101 Uses for a Football (Summersdale Humour) by Louise McKay ABEE

8/11/2019 101 Uses for a Football (Summersdale Humour) by Louise McKay ABEE

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S U M M E R S D A L E

LOUISE McKAY


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101 USES FOR A FOOTBALL

Copyright Louise McKay 2002

All rights reserved

No part of this book may be reproduced by any means, nor transmitted, nor translated intoa machine language without the written permission of the publisher

Summersdale Publishers Ltd46 West StreetChichesterPO19 1RPUK

www.summersdale.com

ISBN 1 84024 230 2

Printed and bound in Great Britain

Cartoons by Kate Taylor
http://www.summersdale.com/http://www.summersdale.com/http://www.summersdale.com/http://www.summersdale.com/http://www.summersdale.com/http://www.summersdale.com/http://www.summersdale.com/http://www.summersdale.com/http://www.summersdale.com/http://www.summersdale.com/http://www.summersdale.com/http://www.summersdale.com/http://www.summersdale.com/http://www.summersdale.com/


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Something to dangle

in front of the TVwhen Jamie Oliversface

appears on it again.


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Dumbbells for weaklings.


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Good pregnant cow disguise always handy.


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Trendy DJ-stylie headphones.


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A many-sided draughts board.


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Death Starmodel for alow-budget Star Warsre-make.


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Space-hopperfor pets.


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Goldfish bowl for fish thatwouldnt benefit from windows.


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Shoulder pads for membersof the cast of Dynasty.


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An alternative fox for the Hunting Lobby.

For added excitement the hunt shouldtake place at the same time and on the

same pitch as the World Cup Final.


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Crystal ball for predicting football results.


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Stand-in buttocksfor Jennifer Lopez.


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Earrings for theever-stylish Pat Butcher.


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A breast-enhancer,making the Wonderbraredundant.


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Disco ball for a very dull disco.


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Door knobs for gentle giants.


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Light bulb for people who arentthat bothered about light.


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The winning entry for the Turner Prize.


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Something Hitlercould use toreplace the one thats in theAlbert Hall.

0 USES OR A OO BALL


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False eye for a Cyclops.


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A ball and chain for jailed footballers.



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Hot air balloon for mice.


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Alternative to cheese in a fast-food burger bound to be popular because its less rubbery.



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Oh, and a more palatable replacementfor the ubiquitous gherkin

(and so much easier to fish out with your hands).



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Humbug sweets for divvy kidswho dont know the difference

between stripes and spots.



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An ineffective demolition ball for buildingsyou dont really want to knock down.



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Brilliant new female contraceptive lets face it, football is quite a turn-off.



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Prosthetic head for unfortunate18thCentury French aristocrats.



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101 US S F R A F TBA



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Ball cock for a big loo.



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A spare Quidditchball forwhen Harry Potterdrops his.



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Placebotablets in case the NHS runs out.



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New epiglottis for people who mighthave lost theirs in a freak accident

with a set of cutlery.



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New hooter for Rudolph the Reindeer.


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Air bags for low-budget,Eastern European cars.



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Something else for Little Jack Hornerto get stuck on his fat little thumb.



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Spare moon in case theone made of cheese melts.



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Stunt double for action-hero celebrity blowfish.



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Ammunition for Saddam Husseins

giant pea-shooter.



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Stunt hunch for bell-ringers

living in Ntre Dame cathedral.



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A miniature version of Menwith Hill Espionage

Centre for miniature governmental spies.



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Huge pearl necklace for an

overgrown Sloane. Okay yar?



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Prosthetic dalmation knackers.



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A cannonball for pacifists.



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Slotless piggy bank for

someone with no money.



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Decorative hundreds and thousands

for Hagridsbirthday cake.



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Christmas pudding for

the Michelin Manand family.



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Sunday lunch for an

impoverished family ofplasti-vores.



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A hygienic alternative to the

Easter Bunnysdroppings.



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Less messy stuffing

for the Christmas turkey.



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A stand-in for your boss head to relieve the

temptation of kicking the real thing.



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A ceremonial orb for Poshand Becks throne.



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Something to which supermodels

and footballers wives can compare

their weightand still feel fat.



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Love eggs for the woman with an

unusually capacious, erm, love nest.



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Jordansbreast reduction.



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A pregnancy bump for the sensitive father-to-be.



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The clean alternative to a baby.



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Gob stopper for a greedy kid.


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The latest air-cushioned, two-tone,

super-dynamic trainersfor extra bounce in the step.



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A wig for Beckhamsbad hair days.

So thatll be every day then.



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A washbag for David Ginola. The guy needs

somewhere to stash his hair products after all.



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Protective footwear for people with bunions.



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New and harmless drug for Ibiza pill-poppers.



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Stand-in eggs for Spielbergs

next dinosaur blockbuster.



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A nifty way to sabotage

the local campanologistsSunday morning fun and games.



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A visual aid to demonstrate

why not to have children.Have you ever had haemorrhoids?



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Inspiration forAnne Widdecombeshairdresser.



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A pair of diaphragms: for the prevention of

spawning any more football fans.



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Genetically modified coconuts

for highly litigious countries.



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Wig for Elton Johnto wear when

he visits his mates at Watford FC.



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The Marquis de Sades

pile cushion. Ouch.



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An accommodating bellybutton

extension for body-piercing enthusiasts.



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Something about which Eric Cantona

can write a pretentious, waffling poem.



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Something else to pile on the bonfire every

November 5th. And dont use sparingly.



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A replacement sun for when the gurgling

Tellytubbies sun-babyfinally grows up.



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The perfect present for a thieving cuckoo,

so she stops filching other birds eggs.



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Skullcaps for sporty

followers of Judaism.



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A good way to confuse

American Football team-members.



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Globe map for the inhabitants

of Planet Polkadot.



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Part of a molecular model for

the atomic structure of a football.



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Filled with cement it makes a handy

ballistic to chuck atAnne Robinsonwhen

she chucks you off The Weakest Link.Or whenever she appears on TV for that matter.



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David Beckhamssubstitute wife.



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David Beckhamssubstitute brain.



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A new, experimental paintbrush for

Jackson Pollock. Might be less messythan his preferred method.



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Display piece in a museum for things

that should never have been invented.



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Voodoo doll of David Beckhamfor

use during England matches.



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An effective way of stopping your man

from snoring. He might not wake upat all, mind you. Does that matter?


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New, smaller foreheads forAnt and Dec.



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A useful distraction and fidelity-aid

for blokes stuck on Temptation Island.



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Something to shred and give to your useless

boyfriend when he forgets Valentines Day.



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Low-budget prop for Hamletduring

skull-shortage periods.



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Replacement dissection subject for

squeamish Biology students. Mind you,

given the option: football versus bulls eye,I know which one Id go for.


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Moth balls to protect your cashmere

(its a well-known fact that moths hate football).



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A ball for several men to kick around a pitch on a

Saturday afternoon. What a great idea. Should beturned into a sport.


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For the latest humour books

from Summersdale, check out

www.summersdale.com
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101 Uses for a Football (Summersdale Humour) by Louise McKay ABEE

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Transcript of 101 Uses for a Football (Summersdale Humour) by Louise McKay ABEE