Harmony Foundation Recovery in the Rockies®

ESS Lecture Emotional Sobriety Series

Spring 2015

Relationships in Recovery

Jessica Swan, NCAC Addiction Recovery Consulting

www.addictionrecoveryconsulting.com jessicaswan@jswanncac.com

Marvin Ventrell, JD Harmony Foundation www.harmonyfoundationinc.com mventrell@harmonyfoundationinc.com

Emotional Sobriety

! Anything else is just abstinence

! Legitimate Recovery = Emotional Sobriety

!  But it takes some work !  And we need to talk about…?

Who’s Ready to Talk about Codependence?

Roots of Codependency in Addiction

!  Family of Addict

!  “If my husband is sober, I’m ok” !  “If my husband is drunk, I am not ok” !  Then you are never going to be ok because there is no

real YOU

!  So we teach family members to find their own OK

!  Not DEPENDENT ON ANOTHER’S OK

Codependency is a Neglected Issue for Many in Addiction Recovery

! And it plays out in our relationships

! And it often ends badly

“The God Sized Hole”

! You can’t successfully fill it with drugs and alcohol

! So let’s fill it with a person! ??

! “You complete me” means I’m not complete

Get Complete First! ! Then get a relationship ! That matches a complete person ! Not takes a victim

! All the guys I meet are ____ holes!

! All the women I meet are crazy b______!

! Hmmmmm?

! We find each other don’t we!

Just 2 Questions of Existence

!  1. Where am I going?

! 2. Who am I going with?

! You better answer the questions in order!

!  Thanks Bob Ferguson at Jaywalker

Plant – Animal - Human ! 28 Days Starring Sandra Bullock

Codependency Defined

! The pain in adulthood that comes from being wounded in childhood

! Leads to a high probability of relationship problems and addictive/compulsive behavior.

Codependency Defined

!  It is a combination of: !  immature thinking !  immature feeling !  immature behaving

!  generates an aversive relationship with the self (self-loathing), which the codependent individual acts-out through self destructive unduly self-sacrificial behavior.

History

!  Para-alcoholic (1940s-50s)

!  CO-alcoholic (1950s-60s)

!  CO-dependent (1970s-80s)

!  Co-addicted (1990s-present)

Codependency Defined

! Growing up depending on someone who’s depending on something that’s not dependable.

Codependency Defined !  Dependent on person who: !  abusing alcohol !  drugs !  compulsive overworking !  overeating !  overdoing almost anything. !  mental health or chronic disease

!  Example: the child left in the car for one or more hours, enduring heat or cold, while his/her parents are working in the office.

Attachment Problem

!  It is difficult to attach to person who is: !  dependent on something !  or someone else !  that is unreliable.

Codependence is the pain in adulthood

that comes from being

wounded in childhood,

which leads to a high probability of relationship problems

and addictive disorders in later life.

Common Characteristics

!  enmeshment

!  lack of boundaries or rigid boundaries

!  people pleasing

!  caretaking

!  enabling

!  rescuing

!  controlling

! Because codependency is rooted in childhood and within the family

! Look at family of origin !  informative ! Reduces shame !  Increases awareness and frees roots of

maladaptive behaviors

Genogram Genograms represent intergenerational family maps.

(1) depict family members across generations,

(2) reveal the relationships patterns that exist between and among those members, and

(3) provide information about specific family members and their experiences.

Natural Characteristics of a Child

1.  Valuable

2.  Vulnerable

3.  Imperfect

4.  Dependent: needing and wanting

5.  Immature

Dysfunctional Survival Traits 1.  Less-than or Better-than

2.  Too vulnerable or Invulnerable

3.  Bad/rebellious or Good/perfect

4.  Too dependent or Anti-dependent or Needless/wantless

5.  Extremely immature (Chaotic) or Overly mature (Controlling)

1.  Valuable

2.  Vulnerable

3.  Imperfect

4. Dependent needing and wanting

5. Immature

Core Symptoms of Adult Codependence

1.  Difficulty experiencing appropriate levels of self-esteem (Loss of value in childhood)

OR

!  Lack of self esteem leads to fusion with the other in an attempt to get self-esteem needs met

!  “You fill my identity”

!  Enmeshment

!  I don’t know where I stop and you begin

Enmeshed Relationship

Me You

Relationship Ends – Who am I?

YOU ME ME + YOU = ENMESHED

Healthy Relationship

Me You

Relationship

Spirituality

Core Symptoms of Adult Codependence

2. Difficulty setting and following functional boundaries (Loss of vulnerability as child)

Core Symptoms of Adult Codependence

3. Difficulty owning and expressing our own reality and imperfection (imperfectness as a child not permitted)

Core Symptoms of Adult Codependence

4.Difficulty taking care of our adult needs and wants (loss of healthy dependency as child)

Core Symptoms of Adult Codependence

5. Difficulty experiencing and expressing our reality moderately (immaturity/maturity as a child)

Distorted Sense of Self and Dysfunctional Relationships

1. Negative Control: !  controlling the reality of others for our own

comfort

Distorted Sense of Self and Dysfunctional Relationships

2. Resentment: !  having a need to punish others for wrongs we

perceive they have done to us !  “You aren’t fulfilling my needs, so I’m going to

hurt you (by hurting myself).”

Distorted Sense of Self and Dysfunctional Relationships

3. Distorted or nonexistent spirituality ! having difficulty experiencing connection

to a power greater than self !  (Because I made you my higher power. Or

because I am so angry and fearful that you aren’t good at being my higher power.)

Distorted Sense of Self and Dysfunctional Relationships

4. Avoiding reality !  using addictions, physical illness or mental illness

to avoid our own reality

Distorted Sense of Self and Dysfunctional Relationships

5. Impaired intimacy !  having difficulty sharing who I am with others

and hearing them share who they are

Dysfunctional Parenting of Our Children

1. Inability to appropriately esteem our children

Dysfunctional Parenting of Our Children

2. Inability to avoid transgressing our children’s boundaries

Dysfunctional Parenting of Our Children

3. Inability to allow our children to have their reality and be imperfect

Dysfunctional Parenting of Our Children

4. Inability to appropriately nurture our children

Dysfunctional Parenting of Our Children

5. Inability to provide a stable environment for our children

How do we recover?

Recovery from Codependency

!  Are you willing to feel uncomfortable at times, when you grow and change?

!  Are you willing to feel emotions, including pain and fear?

!  Are you willing to work the steps – by working through them at least once, and then learning to use them as daily living tools?

!  Are you willing to work hard on yourself, possibly for a long time – as long as it takes to recover full circle or completely? (Beattie, 2011)

Recovery From Codependency

! All positive change for codependents begins as we come out of denial and delusion about our own condition and history and treat ourselves first. !  Pia Mellody, Facing Codependence

Recovery From Codependency: The Three A’s

Awareness

Acceptance Action

Recovery From Codependency: Differentiation

Recovery Communication !  Honest, direct communication

!  I statements !  State facts neutrally “I see… came home late

again” (state facts/data/info) !  “I think/thought … she’s doing something bad/

wrong.” (your perception of fact) !  “I feel… terrified right now” (fine and good are not

feelings) !  “I want…to run (fight, hide, submit)”

(may be different or same as a need) !  “I need…to protect myself and work through my fear

and then talk with you about this”

Recovery From Codependency !  Honesty, open-mindedness, willingness

!  Recovery begins with pain

!  Confront fear (find faith and trust)

!  Become comfortable in the uncomfortable

!  12 Step meetings

!  Get a sponsor

!  Do a written first step (and then the rest of the steps)

!  Get a therapist

!  Confront each symptom

Recovery From Codependency The Three C’s

I didn’t Cause

it

I can’t Control

it

I can’t Cure it

References Harmony Foundation. (2015). www.harmonyfoundationinc.com

!  Al-Anon. (2015). Retrieved from www.alanon.org

!  Beattie, M. (2011). Codependent no more workbook. Center City, MN: Hazelden.

!  CeDAR Family Program. (2015).

!  CoDA. (2015). Retrieved from www.coda.org

!  Harmony Family Program. (2010).

!  Mellody, P., Wells Miller, A., Miller, J.K. (2003). Facing codependency. New York, NY: HarperCollins.

!  Swan, J.L. (2015). Addiction Recovery Consulting.

More Information or to Schedule a Visit

Contact Harmony Community Relations Office

970.577.3150 info@harmonyfoundationinc.com

Front Desk and Admission: 866.686.7867