Post on 05-Aug-2015
Founder Communication
Joe Greenstein & Semira RahemtullaDec 9, 2014
Photo by Alex Eflon [link]
Topics for TodayWhat makes an effective leader?
What makes an effective team?
Format: Learn together, not talk at
you
Three Realities (The Net Model)
INTENTNeeds
MotivesSituation
Reality #1
BEHAVIOR
VerbalNon-Verbal
Reality #2Common
IMPACTFeelings
ReactionsResponses
Reality #3
The Net
Johari Window
© Carole Robin, Ph.D., 2011
OPEN/PUBLIC BLIND
PRIVATE UNKNOWN
I know I don’t know
You know
You don’t know
Reactions/Feedback
Disclosure
FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS - WHY?
Everyone feels them, we just pretend we
don’t.
Convey crucial information, absence of
emotion leaves out half the
story.
Emotions indicate
importance. Most powerful
motivator?
They are an early warning
system
Will I be less liked,
respected, influential
(leader-like)?
SELF-DISCLOSUREWe are constantly making the choice of letting our self be more fully known
Is it relevant? Will it further the discussion
– the relationship?
Will others use this
information against me?
How will others
see/assess/ judge me?
“What in my ‘bubble’
should I share?”
Authentic Leaders“The single factor distinguishing top
quartile managers from bottom
quartile managers was strength of
affection – both given & received –
with their team.”
(“Leaders guide to recognizing and rewarding others”, Kouzes & Barry)
Vulnerability“I define vulnerability as the
expression of uncertainty, risk, and
emotional exposure.
Paradox of TrustYou prefer to look strong rather than weak.
Problem: Everyone knows that.
Result: Willingness to show (some) weakness
is perceived as sign of strength.
Benefits of Self-Disclosure/Vulnerability
1. Build connection, trust2. Repair distortions3. Avoid “progressive impoverishment”
5 levels
Photo by Rita Willaert [link]
Richard Francisco
In what ways do we communicate?
Increasing levels of difficulty, risk &
learning
5 levels1: Ritual
2: Extended Ritual
3: Content
4: Feelings About Content
5: Feelings About Each Other
Photo by Rita Willaert [link]
5 levels
5: Feelings About Each Other
Hardest
Riskiest
Most powerful for feedback
Photo by Rita Willaert [link]
The Bottom Line1. Disclosure is critical to connection.
2. Vulnerability is usually seen as strength.
3. Authentic leaders are more influential.
Conclusion: Consider being more open.
Team & Culture
Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]
ReadMore
Effective Teams1. Participation
2. Collaboration
3. Cooperation (Commitment)
Problem: Can’t order people to do any of
this.
(“Building Emotional Inteligence”, Wolfe & Druskat, Harvard Business Review,
2004)Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]
Essential Conditions1. Safety
2. Intimacy
3. Mutual Trust
Research: All of these are correlated to
group EQ.
(“Safety, Trust, Intimacy”, Ed Batista, 2010)
Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]
EQ (Individual)Emotional awareness
Emotion regulation (≠ suppression)
Inward (one’s own emotions)
Outward (others’ emotions)
Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]
Group EQHigh EQ individuals ≠ High EQ group
Group norms determine group EQ
Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]
Our normsWhat norms do we have?
What norms do we need?
What can you do as leaders?
Photo by jm3 [link]
Feedback & Influence
What we mean by “feedback”1. Not formal performance reviews2. Not teaching functional skills3. Discussions about interpersonal
interactions and working relationships
Why is feedback important?
1. Personal Development
2. Team Effectiveness
3. Stronger relationships
Bottom line: Feedback is how we grow.
Can I give you
Photo: Robbie Grubbs
some feedback?
Threat responsePhysiological signs?
Emotional Signs?
Cognitive Signs?
Photo by State Farm [link]
Social threatSocial situations ≈ Physical threats
Many times/day…
Most common location?
The Workplace
Photo by Heisenberg Media [link]
Photo by Andrew Vargas [link]
SCARF Model
ReadMore
David RockWhat social situationstrigger a threatresponse?
SCARF modelStatus
Certainty
Autonomy
Relatedness
Fairness
ReadMore
A personal aside… The owl & the crocodile.
Dr. Seymour
“The limbic system that evolved to help us survive may be slowly killing us...“
Me
The Bottom Line1. As a leader, you are a walking, talking
social threat. Be aware of this, be
thoughtful.
2. You are also a role model – watch your
own defensive reactions.
(tie it back to feedback now – you’re a
threat the minute you walk in the room.
Then you say “can I give you some
feedback?” YIKES! Here’s how
Can I give you
Photo: Robbie Grubbs
some feedback?
So… how do we communicate feedback while minimizing defensiveness?
THE NET (AGAIN)
INTENTNeeds
MotivesSituation
Reality #1
BEHAVIOR
VerbalNon-Verbal
Reality #2Common
IMPACTFeelings
ReactionsResponses
Reality #3
The Net
Feedback
New Mental Model
1. Feedback is new information about the internal reactions I am having to your behaviour.
2. Both sides get to decide what to do with that new information.
3. Goal is to enter joint problem solving mode.
Feedback is a gift!
1. Focus on specific, observable behavior
2. Describe the impact of that behavior on YOU
3. Do NOT address MY motives or intentions. (Do listen actively if I choose to share them.)
How to Give Effective Feedback
Stay on your side of the net!
The simplest
When you do [X], I feel [Y].
feedback model
Photo by Ed Yourdon [link]
Lets try some examples…
1. Semira, you clearly don’t care about this presentation.
2. Semira, I noticed that you are looking at your phone. You are clearly bored with this presentation.
3. Semira, I noticed that you are looking at your phone. I am feeling anxious about whether I am doing a good job with this presentation.
Photo by Harsha KR [link]
Relationships
John Gottman
What characterizes successful
relationships?ReadMore
RelationshipsFeeling known by the other
A culture of appreciation
Mutual influence
5:1 positive to negative
“Emotional bank account”
Relationships& conflict
Photo by Connor Tartar [link]
Founder PairsThink about your partner
How’s your emotional bank account?
What are you doing to build the
relationship?
1:1 feedback
Photo by Ana Karenina [link]
ReadMore
● Give more!!!● Do not praise to overcome resistance● Do not praise to buffer criticism
● Avoid “The Sandwich”
● Avoid platitudes. Be specific●Weak: “John - you are a great boss.”●Strong: “John - when you give me specific feedback, I feel
excited because I have a chance to grow professionally.”
Tips for Complimentary Feedback
• Assume good intent, be curious• Use a soft start
• emphasize mutual goals & positive intent for the conversation.
• Be aware of your own stress• Goal is joint-problem solving
Tips for Constructive Feedback
● Gift mentality● Listen and ask clarifying questions● Acknowledge your feelings● Goal is understanding, not “winning”● Say “Thank You!”
Tips for Receiving Feedback
Last ReminderStay on your side of the net
When you do [X], I feel [Y].
Use the Vocabulary of Emotions
Thanks, goodbye, & stay on your side of the net.