Post on 12-Jan-2016
Difficult Conversations
WA Equal Justice Community Leadership Academy
Learning Objectives
At the end of this session, participants will be able to:
• Identify 3 conversations within a difficult conversation
• Prepare for and participate in a “difficult conversation”
What are Difficult Conversations?
Difficult conversations are anything we find it “difficult” to talk about
Why Difficult Conversations Matter
• Conflict is inevitable• Whether conversations are destructive or productive
determine the degree & quality of:– Working relationships– Organizational effectiveness – Communication– Decision-making– Morale– Teamwork
Left-Hand/Right-Hand Conversation
Left-Hand Right-Hand
What makes difficult conversations difficult
What happened
Identity
Threeconversations
Feelings
What can/cannot change
• What cannot change: – Difficult conversations still difficult
• “what happened” complex and tangled; • still have emotionally charged situations that feel threatening
because important aspects of identity at risk, etc.
• What can change: – How we respond to each of these challenges
Meet Chris & Colin
Colin & Chris: Left-Hand/Right-Hand Conversation
What Chris thought & felt but didn’t say What Colin & Robin actually said
The What Happened Conversation
Truth v. Perception
Blame v. Contribution
What Happened
Intent v. Impact
Truth v. Perception: Why we have different stories
• We have different information
– We see different things
– We have access to different information
• We have different interpretations
– Different experiences
– Different implicit rules
– Conclusions reflect self-interest
Truth v. Perception
Blame v. Contribution
What Happened
Intent v. Impact
Truth v. Perception: The Ladder of Inference
Available Information
Available to me
Available to them
Select data: What I notice
Add meaning: How I interpret what I notice
What I conclude
What they conclude
How theyinterpret what they notice
What they notice
What happened: Blame v. Contribution
This is your fault! You dropped the ball.
How did I contribute? What was my role in the problem?
Truth v. Perception
Blame v. Contribution
What Happened
Intent v. Impact
What happened: blame to contribution
• Rather than focusing on who is to blame, look for mutual contribution – Blame is about judging and looks backward
– Contribution is about understanding and looks forward
• Misconceptions about contribution: – I should only focus on my contribution
– Putting aside blame means putting aside my feelings
– Contribution asks “what did I do that helped cause the situation?”
Difficult conversations can threaten our identity
• Am I competent?
• Am I a good person?
• Am I worthy of love?
The Identity Conversation
Difficult conversations are not just difficult because we have to face the other person, but because we have to face ourselves.
What happened
Identity
Threeconversations
Feelings
Feelings Conversation
What kind of emotions did I feel? Why?
What was the impact of this on me?
What happened
Identity
Threeconversations
Feelings
From difficult to productive conversations
Prepare by walking through the 3 Conversations
Check your purposes & decide whether to raise it
Extend invitation: Start from the third story
Explore their story & your story
Problem-Solve
Step 1: Prepare by walking thru 3 Conversations
• What is the problem– From my perspective? From their
perspective? – What is my data? What is their data?
• What have we each contributed? – Me? Them?
• What were our intentions v. impact?– Why did I do that? Why might they have
done that– What was impact on them? What was impact
on me?
Prepare by walking through the 3 Conversations
Check your purposes & decide whether to raise it
Extend invitation: Start from the third story
Explore their story & your story
Problem-Solve
Step 1 cont’d: Sort out the 3 conversations
• Understand Emotions
• Ground your Identity
What happened
Identity
Three
conversations
Feelings
Step 2: Check purposes
Check your purposes and decide whether to raise it – What do you hope to accomplish
by having this conversation? – Deciding: is this the best way to
address the issue and achieve your purpose?
Prepare by walking through the 3 Conversations
Check your purposes & decide whether to raise it
Extend invitation: Start from the third story
Explore their story & your story
Problem-Solve
Step 3: Extend invitation; Start from third story
• Describe your purposes: let them know that your goal for the conversation is to understand their perspective, share your own and talk about how to go forward together.
– Invite, don’t impose – Make them your partner in figuring it
out – Be persistent
Prepare by walking through the 3 Conversations
Check your purposes & decide whether to raise it
Extend invitation: Start from the third story
Explore their story & your story
Problem-Solve
What is the “third” story?
• The third story is the one a keen observer would tell, someone with no stake in the particular problem
• Within the “third story”, you will describe the problem in a way that rings true for both sides, e.g., not right or wrong, better or worse – just different
Extend an invitation; state your purpose• “I have something I’d like to discuss with you that I think will help us work
together more effectively.”
• "I’d like to talk about ______ with you, but first I’d like to get your point of view.“
• "I need your help with what just happened. Do you have a few minutes to talk?“
• "I think we have different perceptions about ______. I’d like to hear your thinking on this.“
• "I’d like to talk about ________. I think we may have different ideas on how to ______.“
• "I’d like to see if we might reach a better understanding about _______. I really want to hear your feelings about this & share my perspective as well."
From difficult to productive conversations
Prepare by walking through the 3 Conversations
Check your purposes & decide whether to raise it
Extend invitation: Start from the third story
Explore their story & your story
Problem-Solve
Between Retreats 2 and 3
• Prepare for and have a difficult conversation