Difficult Conversations WA Equal Justice Community Leadership Academy.

Difficult Conversations

WA Equal Justice Community Leadership Academy

Learning Objectives

At the end of this session, participants will be able to:

• Identify 3 conversations within a difficult conversation

• Prepare for and participate in a “difficult conversation”

What are Difficult Conversations?

Difficult conversations are anything we find it “difficult” to talk about

Why Difficult Conversations Matter

• Conflict is inevitable• Whether conversations are destructive or productive

determine the degree & quality of:– Working relationships– Organizational effectiveness – Communication– Decision-making– Morale– Teamwork

Left-Hand/Right-Hand Conversation

Left-Hand Right-Hand

What makes difficult conversations difficult

What happened

Identity

Threeconversations

Feelings

What can/cannot change

• What cannot change: – Difficult conversations still difficult

• “what happened” complex and tangled; • still have emotionally charged situations that feel threatening

because important aspects of identity at risk, etc.

• What can change: – How we respond to each of these challenges

Meet Chris & Colin

Colin & Chris: Left-Hand/Right-Hand Conversation

What Chris thought & felt but didn’t say What Colin & Robin actually said

The What Happened Conversation

Truth v. Perception

Blame v. Contribution

What Happened

Intent v. Impact

Truth v. Perception: Why we have different stories

• We have different information

– We see different things

– We have access to different information

• We have different interpretations

– Different experiences

– Different implicit rules

– Conclusions reflect self-interest

Truth v. Perception


What Happened

Intent v. Impact

Truth v. Perception: The Ladder of Inference

Available Information

Available to me

Available to them

Select data: What I notice

Add meaning: How I interpret what I notice

What I conclude

What they conclude

How theyinterpret what they notice

What they notice

What happened: Blame v. Contribution

This is your fault! You dropped the ball.

How did I contribute? What was my role in the problem?

Truth v. Perception


What Happened

Intent v. Impact

What happened: blame to contribution

• Rather than focusing on who is to blame, look for mutual contribution – Blame is about judging and looks backward

– Contribution is about understanding and looks forward

• Misconceptions about contribution: – I should only focus on my contribution

– Putting aside blame means putting aside my feelings

– Contribution asks “what did I do that helped cause the situation?”

Difficult conversations can threaten our identity

• Am I competent?

• Am I a good person?

• Am I worthy of love?

The Identity Conversation

Difficult conversations are not just difficult because we have to face the other person, but because we have to face ourselves.

What happened

Identity

Threeconversations

Feelings

Feelings Conversation

What kind of emotions did I feel? Why?

What was the impact of this on me?

What happened

Identity

Threeconversations

Feelings

From difficult to productive conversations

Prepare by walking through the 3 Conversations

Check your purposes & decide whether to raise it

Extend invitation: Start from the third story

Explore their story & your story

Problem-Solve

Step 1: Prepare by walking thru 3 Conversations

• What is the problem– From my perspective? From their

perspective? – What is my data? What is their data?

• What have we each contributed? – Me? Them?

• What were our intentions v. impact?– Why did I do that? Why might they have

done that– What was impact on them? What was impact

on me?





Problem-Solve

Step 1 cont’d: Sort out the 3 conversations

• Understand Emotions

• Ground your Identity

What happened

Identity

Three

conversations

Feelings

Step 2: Check purposes

Check your purposes and decide whether to raise it – What do you hope to accomplish

by having this conversation? – Deciding: is this the best way to

address the issue and achieve your purpose?





Problem-Solve

Step 3: Extend invitation; Start from third story

• Describe your purposes: let them know that your goal for the conversation is to understand their perspective, share your own and talk about how to go forward together.

– Invite, don’t impose – Make them your partner in figuring it

out – Be persistent





Problem-Solve

What is the “third” story?

• The third story is the one a keen observer would tell, someone with no stake in the particular problem

• Within the “third story”, you will describe the problem in a way that rings true for both sides, e.g., not right or wrong, better or worse – just different

Extend an invitation; state your purpose• “I have something I’d like to discuss with you that I think will help us work

together more effectively.”

• "I’d like to talk about ______ with you, but first I’d like to get your point of view.“

• "I need your help with what just happened. Do you have a few minutes to talk?“

• "I think we have different perceptions about ______. I’d like to hear your thinking on this.“

• "I’d like to talk about ________. I think we may have different ideas on how to ______.“

• "I’d like to see if we might reach a better understanding about _______. I really want to hear your feelings about this & share my perspective as well."

From difficult to productive conversations





Problem-Solve

Between Retreats 2 and 3

• Prepare for and have a difficult conversation

Difficult Conversations WA Equal Justice Community Leadership Academy.

Documents

Transcript of Difficult Conversations WA Equal Justice Community Leadership Academy.