CONFLICT in

Relationships

Conflict Misconceptions• Conflict is BAD

• If two people are in a fight, their relationship is a bad one

• Conflict damages relationships

Types of Conflict

• Destructive Conflict– dismantles relationships– lack of flexibility

• Constructive Conflict– resolve issues or problems– suggest areas of change– confront areas of disagreement

Why do relationships break-up?

Reason for Relationship No Longer Exists

Undefined Expectations

Relational Changes

Third-Party Relationships

Inequitable Distribution of Rewards and Costs

Money

Work

Conflict Management Styles

• Nonconfrontational–placating–distracting–withdrawing–giving in

• Confrontational–All about power–Control–Win/lose

philosophy

Conflict Management Styles

• Cooperative–Conflict is not a game–Conflict is a problem to be solved–Compromise or Cooperation

Conflict Management Styles

Healthy Conflict Tips• DO use “I” language to take

responsibility for your feelings• DO be empathetic• DO focus on the problem

• DON’T use personal attacks• DON’T bring up the past• DON’T blame

Using ‘I’ MessagesPurpose – To identify problem behavior and help adjust / correct without being confrontational

1. Identify Behavior: “When you…”2. Identify your feelings and why: “I feel ____” 3. State why it makes you feel this way:

“Because it…”4. Identify the desired outcome: “I would like for

you to…”5. How it would make you feel: “Because it would

be…”

“I” Message ExampleWhen you always text during dinner (#1 – Undesirable Behavior), it makes me feel hurt & ignored (#2 – Feeling) because I feel like you don’t want to spend time with me (#3 – Why). I would like for dinner time to be “no electronics time” (#4 – Desired behavior). I would love for us to just get to talk because I love hearing about your day and I miss just hanging out. (#5 – Why and validation).

Crucial Conversations: Problem Solving Strategies

Mutual Purpose

Mutual Respect

Continued Dialogue

Mutual Purpose – required to ENTER dialogueWork on finding a mutual purpose, even if it is as

basic as ‘resolve the conflict’

Mutual Respect – required to CONTINUE dialogue

Crucial Conversations: 7 Steps to Healthy Conflict

Start with Heart

• Focus on what you really want• Refuse the ‘sucker’s choice’

Learn to Look

• Silence – masking, avoiding, withdrawing• Violence – controlling, labeling, attacking

Master my Stories

• Learn to separate fact from ‘story’• Tell the ‘rest’• Claim your role

Crucial Conversations: 7 Steps to Healthy Conflict

State my Path

• Am I open and talking about the real issue?• Am I expressing my own feelings?

Explore Others’ Paths

• Learn to AMPP your listening• Ask, Mirror, Paraphrase, Prime

Move to Action

• Translate conversation into action• Set Who, does What, by When, and How

we will Follow-up

Crucial Conversations: 7 Steps to Healthy Conflict

Start with Heart

• Focus on what you really want• Refuse the ‘sucker’s choice’

Learn to Look

• Silence – masking, avoiding, withdrawing• Violence – controlling, labeling, attacking

Master my Stories

• Learn to separate fact from ‘story’• Tell the ‘rest’• Claim your role