Post on 01-Apr-2015
Caught In The Crossfire
Growing Up In A Home With Addiction
Kim SmithsonEagle Ridge Family Treatment Center
Adapted from the work of:Claudia Black
Sharon Wegschieder-CruseHandouts: Mary Toney Miller
THE FAMILY AS A SYSTEM
“system” An assemblage or combination of things or parts forming a complex or unitary whole. A whole made up of interactive parts. A system is more than the sum of it’s parts.
Maintaining Balance
Family “systems” work to survive and maintain balance just like any other interactive “system”
LIFE STRESSORS
What are some things that may occur in life that could knock a family system off balance??
HOMEOSTASIS
The tendency of a system to maintain or return to a state of equilibriumBy whatever means necessary
HEALTHY FAMILY CHARACTERISTICS
Empathize with each otherTalk and listen to each otherHave a balance of interactionShare responsibilities among themselvesHave a strong spiritual coreRespect the privacy of all membersHave a sense of play and humorStrong feelings for one anotherEncourage family traditions/ritualsShare leisure timePlace a value on service to othersTeach the value of worth in diversityTeach a sense of right and wrongAffirm and support each otherDevelop a sense of trustEncourage the sharing of feelings without fear
Maintaining balance while living with addiction
Addiction is a chronic , progressive and often times fatal disease.
As the disease progresses the family grows more and more out of touch with themselves and reality
Unhealthy Family Characteristics
Have secrets, are very closedFrozen feelingsNo boundariesIndirect communicationProjection/blame/displacementDenial and delusionRigid rules / No rules /ChaosApproval or love must be earnedPunishment / ShameJudgments (good or bad)ControlNo free fun
SO HOW DOES ONE SURVIVE?
Focus in the 70’s begin to determine that Addiction is a “shared” Family Disease
The family members make adjustments necessary in order to cope with the addiction in the family and remain some sense of balance and in order to survive as a whole, despite the damage done to family members.
“Roles” and “Rules” are created to allow family members to experience the least amount of personal pain and stress.
RULESThese rules are often unspoken, unwritten and have been learned by experiences very early in life and become deeply embedded
Don’t TALK
Don’t TRUST
Don’t FEEL
DON’T TALK•If I don’t talk about it then it won’t hurt and will go away• Parents give negative strokes for bringing it up• Trying to get needs met creates fear of abandonment or other abuse by displeasing a parent• There is so much shame about what is going on• The child is told directly not to talk about it• Other family members role-model not talking by ignoring the “reality”• No one knows how to talk about it
DON’T TRUST•Broken promises• Unpredictability• Emotional Unavailability of the parents who are preoccupied with the problem or each other• Parents discount child’s reality• Words don’t match actions• Vulnerability gets used against you• Trusting others gets you hurt
DON’T FEEL•Expressions of fear, sadness, anger, guilt, embarrassment, loneliness are not allowed because they trigger the same in the parent• Learning to emotionally “Numb Out” creates physical, emotional and psychological safety• Expressing feelings can bring about punishment and abuse
Take My Hand…The First Step onYour Journey Through Co-dependency Recovery
Mary Toney Miller
AUDIENCE PARTICIPATION NEEDEDINTERACTIVE EXERCISE TO VISUALIZE THE FAMILY ROLE DYNAMIC
POINTS TO CONSIDER…..
Members become “locked” into rigid survival roles
Roles can shift or overlapRoles are carried on into our adult lives
What once worked well for survival turns on us and often becomes fatal and self destructive
BREAKING THE CYCLENew Attitudes and Behaviors
We can encourage new attitudes and behaviors that can help break the cycle of self-defeating behaviors and fixed responses.
HOW????
HERO / CARETAKER/OVER ACHIEVER
Needs to learn:
• To relax• To have fun• To be spontaneous• How to follow• How to ask for help• How to compromise• To accept mistakes and failures
SCAPEGOAT/PROBLEM CHILD/REBEL
Needs to learn:
• To express anger constructively• To express hurt feelings• To be involved in activities that bring
them positive attention• To forgive him/herself• To learn to negotiate
LOST CHILD/FORGOTTEN/WITHDRAWN
Needs to learn:
• To recognize his/her importance• To recognize his/her feelings and deal with
loneliness• To recognize his/her needs and wants• To initiate activities• To make choices for oneself
MASCOT/CLOWN/COMIC RELIEF
Needs to learn:
• How to recognize and accept his/her anger and fear
• To accept support from others• To accept responsibility• To take oneself seriously• To accept his/her importance
Rarely do all members of thesame family, grow up under the same roof - Richard Bach
Without proper intervention. The cycle perpetuates itself.
The family disease of addiction creates generational dysfunctional.THE SAGA CONTINUES