Caught In The Crossfire

Growing Up In A Home With Addiction

Kim SmithsonEagle Ridge Family Treatment Center

Adapted from the work of:Claudia Black

Sharon Wegschieder-CruseHandouts: Mary Toney Miller

THE FAMILY AS A SYSTEM

“system” An assemblage or combination of things or parts forming a complex or unitary whole. A whole made up of interactive parts. A system is more than the sum of it’s parts.

Maintaining Balance

Family “systems” work to survive and maintain balance just like any other interactive “system”

LIFE STRESSORS

What are some things that may occur in life that could knock a family system off balance??

HOMEOSTASIS

The tendency of a system to maintain or return to a state of equilibriumBy whatever means necessary

HEALTHY FAMILY CHARACTERISTICS

Empathize with each otherTalk and listen to each otherHave a balance of interactionShare responsibilities among themselvesHave a strong spiritual coreRespect the privacy of all membersHave a sense of play and humorStrong feelings for one anotherEncourage family traditions/ritualsShare leisure timePlace a value on service to othersTeach the value of worth in diversityTeach a sense of right and wrongAffirm and support each otherDevelop a sense of trustEncourage the sharing of feelings without fear

Maintaining balance while living with addiction

Addiction is a chronic , progressive and often times fatal disease.

As the disease progresses the family grows more and more out of touch with themselves and reality

Unhealthy Family Characteristics

Have secrets, are very closedFrozen feelingsNo boundariesIndirect communicationProjection/blame/displacementDenial and delusionRigid rules / No rules /ChaosApproval or love must be earnedPunishment / ShameJudgments (good or bad)ControlNo free fun

SO HOW DOES ONE SURVIVE?

Focus in the 70’s begin to determine that Addiction is a “shared” Family Disease

The family members make adjustments necessary in order to cope with the addiction in the family and remain some sense of balance and in order to survive as a whole, despite the damage done to family members.

“Roles” and “Rules” are created to allow family members to experience the least amount of personal pain and stress.

RULESThese rules are often unspoken, unwritten and have been learned by experiences very early in life and become deeply embedded

Don’t TALK

Don’t TRUST

Don’t FEEL

DON’T TALK•If I don’t talk about it then it won’t hurt and will go away• Parents give negative strokes for bringing it up• Trying to get needs met creates fear of abandonment or other abuse by displeasing a parent• There is so much shame about what is going on• The child is told directly not to talk about it• Other family members role-model not talking by ignoring the “reality”• No one knows how to talk about it

DON’T TRUST•Broken promises• Unpredictability• Emotional Unavailability of the parents who are preoccupied with the problem or each other• Parents discount child’s reality• Words don’t match actions• Vulnerability gets used against you• Trusting others gets you hurt

DON’T FEEL•Expressions of fear, sadness, anger, guilt, embarrassment, loneliness are not allowed because they trigger the same in the parent• Learning to emotionally “Numb Out” creates physical, emotional and psychological safety• Expressing feelings can bring about punishment and abuse

Take My Hand…The First Step onYour Journey Through Co-dependency Recovery

Mary Toney Miller

AUDIENCE PARTICIPATION NEEDEDINTERACTIVE EXERCISE TO VISUALIZE THE FAMILY ROLE DYNAMIC

POINTS TO CONSIDER…..

Members become “locked” into rigid survival roles

Roles can shift or overlapRoles are carried on into our adult lives

What once worked well for survival turns on us and often becomes fatal and self destructive

BREAKING THE CYCLENew Attitudes and Behaviors

We can encourage new attitudes and behaviors that can help break the cycle of self-defeating behaviors and fixed responses.

HOW????

HERO / CARETAKER/OVER ACHIEVER

Needs to learn:

• To relax• To have fun• To be spontaneous• How to follow• How to ask for help• How to compromise• To accept mistakes and failures

SCAPEGOAT/PROBLEM CHILD/REBEL

Needs to learn:

• To express anger constructively• To express hurt feelings• To be involved in activities that bring

them positive attention• To forgive him/herself• To learn to negotiate

LOST CHILD/FORGOTTEN/WITHDRAWN

Needs to learn:

• To recognize his/her importance• To recognize his/her feelings and deal with

loneliness• To recognize his/her needs and wants• To initiate activities• To make choices for oneself

MASCOT/CLOWN/COMIC RELIEF

Needs to learn:

• How to recognize and accept his/her anger and fear

• To accept support from others• To accept responsibility• To take oneself seriously• To accept his/her importance

Rarely do all members of thesame family, grow up under the same roof - Richard Bach

Without proper intervention. The cycle perpetuates itself.

The family disease of addiction creates generational dysfunctional.THE SAGA CONTINUES