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Relationships and Communication

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The Myth of ‘The Perfect Relationship’

• Soul mates; ‘The One’• Nobody can meet ALL of your

needs• Every relationship has some

problems• Healthy expectations from the

beginning

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Compatibility• A Triangular Theory of Love (Sternberg,

1986)

Intimacy Passion

Commitment

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Maintaining Oneself Within a Relationship

• You will change due to your relationships

• Remaining true to oneself

• Whose needs are met through the relationship?• Not always 50/50

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Maintaining Oneself Within a Relationship, cont’d.• Keeping a life

outside your relationship

• Knowing the self in relation to others

• Enhancing one another’s growth

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Supporting Your Relationship

• You can’t go it alone!• Surround your relationships with

support• Couple’s Resource Map

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Expectations• How realistic are

your expectations for your partner?

• How realistic are your partner’s expectations for you?

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Fighting• Is fighting healthy?

• “Growing pains”

• What can you learn from a fight?

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Fighting, cont’d.• The Four Horsemen of the

Apocalypse (Gottman, 1999)• Criticism• Defensiveness• Contempt• Stonewalling

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Fighting Fair• Focus on the issue at hand• Remain focused on the present

• Not the time to bring up the past

• Listening—Knowing when it is your turn

• NO physical violence• Seek counseling when

necessary

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Breaking up is hard to do….

• Give yourself time to move on• Nurture your other relationships• Take time to reflect on the lessons

you can learn from the relationship AND the break-up

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Relationships and Transitions• Potential for

increased negative interactions

• Protective defense mechanisms

• Increased awareness

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Making Relationships A Priority

• Relationships are often taken for granted

• Make a commitment to care for your relationships before it is too late!!

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Communication Skills

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Listening• Making the effort• Non-verbal cues• Eye contact• Notice underlying

feelings

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Direct Communication• Speak clearly and

directly• Say what you mean• Verify understanding• Avoid beating

around the bush

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Self-Disclosure• Sharing personal experience• Necessary for intimacy• Trust is important!• Appropriate levels of disclosure

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Non-verbal Communication

• As speaker• Gestures• Increase interest

• As listener• Awareness• Inconsistencies

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Passive, Aggressive, and Assertive Communication

• Passive: Not expressing feelings or standing up for yourself

• Aggressive: Expressing feelings in an overbearing manner

• Assertive: Expressing feelings without violating others’ rights

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Advice• Proceed with caution!

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Focus on the Behavior• Avoid labeling

• Personal attacks lead to defensiveness

• Negotiate behaviors