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Randall E. Bennett, MA, LMFT, LCPC
Match Madein Heaven
Society
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Copyright 2012 Breakthrough learning Institute Breakthrough Learning Institute LLC.
All rights reserved. No part of this book or any part of this system, including, but not
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Program 3:
The Secret Sauce
in Honest Relationships
by Randy Bennett
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Hi, its Randy. Welcome to the Match Made in HeavenSociety series.
Im glad youre joining me today, because theres a hot button issue I want
to talk to you about, something that can either make or break you when it
comes to being a successful couple.
This hot button issue Im referring to is one of the biggest problems a
couple can face, and I see it all the time in my counseling practice. This prob-
lem gains a toehold in your relationship when the secret sauce for an honest
relationship is missing.
The danger of not having this secret sauce is that eventually, the very
foundation that glues you together as a couple will be leached away. You
can have everything else right in your relationship: great sex, fun nights out
together but if you dont have a free and open exchange of information
in your relationship, all those other good things are like pouring sand into a
bottle with a hole in the bottom.
So why is a free and open exchange of information so critical in relation-ships? There are many reasons, but perhaps the most obvious is that free
and open communication is how you and your partner build and maintain
trust.
And trust is the bedrock of your happy union.
But when one partner lies to or deceives the other, or simply holds back
information in a misguided attempt to protect their partner, they are essen-
tially closing down or at least significantly interfering with those critical open
lines of communication.
The effect of this is a reactivechange in the one being lied to. You would
begin to mistrust your partner as a way of protecting yourself from further
lies. In turn, even more damage is done to the lines of communication, be-
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cause now the partner that has caught the other being sketchy with the truth
will probably also begin to hold back.
Even a little dishonesty can create an open door for the #1 crazy-maker
in a relationship: doubt.
Because when you and your partner arent open with each other, or you
hedge on giving details about something, doubt creeps in. Doubt is the all-
time insidious relationship cancersilent, but deadly. It will begin to lurk just
below the surface of every interaction you dohave.
Doubt creates:
Gnawing anxiety
Crippling insecurity
And a plague of uncertainty.
This does not create the proper, nurturing environment for a successful,
healthy relationship. In short, doubt is a crazy-maker because it steals yourpeace of mind and sense of security within the relationship.
And you cant discount how important a sense of security is. Your relation-
ship can be seen as a type of safe haven, a place where you can relax and
just be, with a partner you can count on. If something happens to upset that
sense of security then what place is safe for you?
Doubt undermines your sense of security and belief in your partner.
In 27 years of counseling couples, Ive seen time and again the destruc-
tive power of doubt, how it wears a person down and shreds their guts, and
ultimately, the ties that bind them to their partner. And the only way to elimi-
nate doubt is to incorporate what Ive uncovered to be the single most effec-
tive method for ending it so you can move on to build a healthy relationship.
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Youre going to learn several things today, such as:
Why honesty and openness are critical to relationship success
How a lack of honesty manifests itself
The secret sauce for having an honest relationship, and
How to begin infusing that secret sauce into your relationship as quickly
as you can get it stirred in using 4 healthy relationship habits.
Ultimately, the secret sauce will bring a sense of security into your life,
something that benefits both of you.
Honesty and Openness:Do You ReallyHave It, Or Give It?
Everyone says they want honesty and openness, but so many relation-
ships are riddled with secrets and holding back when it comes to sharing
information. I have couples come in for counseling all the time who think they
understand what honesty and openness mean and believe theyre honestwith each other.
But theyre holding back (or worse yet lying) and dont even realize it.
Sometimes its because they think they may hurt their partner by telling
the whole, unvarnished truth. Other times, people have deep psychological
insecurities, or other issues they are dealing with, and they have a fear of be-
ing 100% out there with their partner.
Honesty is yet another area where we all need to work towards being
more mindful and aware of how we relate to our partner. Each of us must
consciously work towards being more honest and also learn to trust our part-
ner with our real feelings and actions. Often, Ive found in counseling couples
that its a matter of accepting the feeling of being vulnerable when you are
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wholly yourself and share your true needs.
For example, there was one couple I counseled, Bill and Kris. Bill wasntcompletely honest with Kris about his spending habits. He liked nice suits,
expensive Italian shoes, good watches and he was hiding the receipts and
intercepting the credit card bills when they came in.
When Kris happened to get to the mail first one day, she opened the credit
card bill and was shocked by the charges she saw racked up there. She
wondered, How did he get those in the house without my seeing, and why
didnt he tell me?
Bill was sneaking in the suit bags and other purchases. Hed tuck them
into his closet as if theyd been there all along.
Needless to say, these actions, and his inability to be honest about them,
planted the seed of doubt in Kris. Suddenly, she was questioning everything
about their relationship. As she explained to him during our sessions, If you
didnt tell me the truth about this what else are you not telling me?
Digging a little deeper into what was going on with Bill, I learned that he
grew up poor, and was made fun of for his clothes. It was important to him to
have nice clothes and to present himself in a certain way. What it came down
to was, Bill felt insecure about himself, regardless of the fact that he was a
successful businessman.
He struggled to tell Kris about his expensive shopping tastes, because
then hed have to admit to this insecurity and old hurt, something he viewedas a personal weakness.
As you can see, when someone isnt 100% honest, theres usually some-
thing more going on than just someone thinking, Hmm let me see if I can
get one over on my partner. Most people arent thinking like that.
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Of course, there are some people in this world who lie just to lie, who en-
joy playing games. Others may be trying to protect themselves or their part-
ner, either by outright lying or by withholding information. Some people dontwant to make others angry. Some may do it because they want to protect
some private space for themselves.
Regardless of the base reason, when youre not 100% honest and open,
it means dishonesty is present to some degree.
Honesty and openness are critical for achieving that match made in heav-
en. Both Bill and Kris wanted that, but uncovering Bills failure to share infor-mation nearly tore them apart. And its those little things that we arent honest
about that can have a ripple effect throughout our relationship, planting the
seeds of doubt and undoing all the good that doesexist in the relationship.
This is NOT how a match made in heaven operates.
Whats needed is a paradigm shift. You and your partner need to look at
100% openness and honesty not as giving something up or showing weak-
ness but as gaining something great.
So what does a match made in heaven do to ensure they gain something
great?
They practice a simple form of communication called transparency, the
secret sauce of healthy, honest relationships. Ive used this in my practice
for some time, and Dr. Frank Gunzburg, author of How to Survive an Affair,
speaks extensively about this concept.
He defines transparent as sheer enough to be seen through and free
from pretense or deceit. That means your partner is able to see through
your words and actions and motivations in a way that leaves no space for
doubt to creep in. You conduct your communication and actions in such a
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way that your partner wouldnt think of you as being dishonest.
Were going to talk more about transparency and how to infuse this secretsauce using 4 healthy habits. But before we do that, I want to give you a very
clear picture of how a lack of transparency in your relationship can quickly
cross the line into dishonesty. I call these dishonesty manifestations, which
I see happening all the time with couples who dont recognize the behaviors
for what they are: a lack of openness that leads to dishonesty.
Bill and Kriss story is just one example of how dishonesty comes about.
Altogether, Ive found there are six different manifestations for how couplesavoid being open with each other.
The Six Dishonesty Manifestations
Ive counseled so many people over the years that at some point, I see
patterns of behavior. I wont go so far as to say theres nothing new under the
sun, but people tend to behave similarly when it comes to getting bad results,
such as dishonesty, or when they get good results, which are the 4 healthy
habits Ill share with you in a bit.
For now, these are the six top ways in which Ive seen dishonesty manifest
in a relationship:
Dishonesty Manifestation #1: Evading Questions
The first manifestation is evading questions. None of us are so nave we
dont understand what that means: its sidestepping something we dont want
to answer, either by changing the subject or answering with a question. Its a
more subtle way of saying, Hey, look at that T Rex over there! You distract
the other person long enough in hopes theyll lose their train of thought.
And dont think people dont recognize when its being done. It insults
their intelligence, and makes them feel uneasy.
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For example, if you ask your partner, Why didnt you answer my ques-
tion about making plans for this weekend? and your partner says, I have a
big deadline at work Id better go call my colleague John and see if hesfinished his part then its quite obvious to you that your partner is trying to
slip out from having to answer your question. Maybe theyre really just preoc-
cupied, or maybe doesnt want to say, Im waiting to see if John wants to play
golf this weekend, and then Ill be able to tell you when Im available.
Dishonesty Manifestation #2: Misleading Your Partner
The second manifestation is misleading your partner, either by tellinglittle white lies or big ones. We may excuse ourselves by thinking, Its for
their own good or Theyd only get upset if I told the truth.
For example, lets say you go out for a drink after work with two colleagues,
Sarah and Jack. You only tell your partner you went out with Sarah because
you know hed feel suspicious about Jack. You tell a partial truth because you
dont want to upset him.
These justifications may seem like a good idea in theory, but in practice,
its lying. It doesnt matter how big or small, a lie is a lie.
Dishonesty Manifestation #3: Being Secretive
The third manifestation is being secretive. When someone is being se-
cretive, they usually justify it in their own mind as What they dont know wont
hurt them. But it does hurt, both your partner and your relationship, when
you do it.
When someone is secretive, its actually more obvious than the secret-
keeper thinks. It makes you suspicious You think, whats going on in their
head? You know something is simmering beneath the surface, you just dont
know what.
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Bill and Kris could fit this description. When Bill put on one of his new,
expensive suits he may have felt guilty, and his actions could have given
him away. Maybe he scurried to get out the door, when normally he wouldlinger over coffee. Kris would then be thinking, Whats going on with him?
because he is acting odd.
Thats where doubt gets a toehold: she may sense something, but she
cant figure out what it is, and so the question lingers in her mind, nagging
for a solution.
Dishonesty Manifestation #4: Being UnpredictableThe fourth manifestation is being unpredictable. This is about not know-
ing what to expect from the other. Its like having an unrestrained toddler
running around, and it creates a constant heightened state of alert, leaving
the recipient of the unpredictable behavior to wonder, When will the other
shoe drop?
Unpredictability is something that makes anyone feel uneasy. Its like not
knowing if youll be employed tomorrow because your company goes back
and forth between hiring and layoffs. The unease that creates is stressful.
For example, one day your partner is affectionate and loving, and the next
cold and withdrawn. Youre wondering if its something you did, but the truth
is, your partners boss reamed them out earlier in the day, and theyre upset
over it. Your partner may be too embarrassed to tell you about it, but you
certainly notice a change in their behavior.
If this unpredictability becomes a habit because your partner wont share
this emotionally-laden information, youll be in a near-constant state of stress
because you never know why they behave the way they do.
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Dishonesty Manifestation #5: Wanting Personal Privacy
The fifth manifestation is wanting personal privacy. The viewpoint takenhere is that being totally honest means giving away chunks of ones self. A
person who views questions from their partner as an invasion of privacy or
an interrogation isnt able to fully give themselves to the relationship because
they look at complete honesty as a negative thing. They want to keep some
corner of themselves hidden, a corner that is theirs alone.
For example, lets say your partner says theyre going to run errands the
same evening every week. But, theyre really going to acting lessons and forsome reason they want to keep that for themself.
It may not seem like a big thing, but why would anyone who aspires to be-
ing a match made in heaven keep a secret like that from their partner? There
should be no locked doors in an open relationship.
Dishonesty Manifestation #6: Not Sharing Details
The sixth top manifestation is not sharing details. This is where people Icounsel really get caught up. They nod and say, Yes, Im completely honest.
That was Bill, from our earlier example. He felt he was an honest person.
And 95% of the time, he probably was. But when he was dishonest 5% of
the time... do you see how damaging it was to Kris to find that out? It didnt
seem like much to him to not share details of his shopping, but it caused Kris
to doubt the other 95% of his actions.
So couples need to ask themselves: do I want to risk 95% of the hard work
I do in being honest with my partner by holding back on that 5%?
It doesnt seem worth it when you look at it like that.
They say honesty is the best policy, and generally thats because the truth
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has a funny way of coming out, such as Kris innocently opening the credit
card bill. Then, as you can imagine, the stuff hits the fan and the foundation
of the relationship is undermined because doubt slips in. The person whouncovered the information is hurt and bewildered, their trust in the other per-
son severely damaged, their peace of mind and sense of security ruptured.
And that cripples a relationship.
Why Dishonesty Manifestations Cripple Relationships
These dishonesty manifestations may not seem very serious, but they
create an environment where doubt can thrive like an invasive vine, choking
your relationship until it crumbles and stealing any sense of security you may
have had.
A sense of security is important because it provides a corner of the world
where you can count on something, and it gels your relationship together.
You want to be able to rely on your partner, and they want to be able to rely
on you, with few rude surprises. It doesnt mean we dont expect our partner
to grow and change. We just dont want to find out something along the way
that pulls the foundation out from under us, such as what happened to Kris
and Bill. It can be a shopping addiction, or it could be other areas, such as
your partner having shady business dealings or your partner finding out you
like to flirt A LOT when theyre not around.
I know of one couple that was in major financial trouble. He kept it hidden
from his wife in a misguided attempt at protecting her from worry and stress.
But when they lost their house, how do you think she felt? Broadsided and
their relationship actually ended in divorce. The blow was so severe and so
unexpected, everything she thought was truth wasnt, and she couldnt get
past that loss of trust.
A lack of transparency becomes a barrier to the type of complete emotion-
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al intimacy that a match made in heaven needs. Keeping parts of ourselves
hidden effectively erects a barrier to the open heart of our partner. If they do
the same, the relationship suffers.
Both partners will sense when openness and honesty isnt present be-
tween them. This creates a feeling of distance, as both partners may begin
pulling back and stop sharing parts of themselves to protect themselves.
Subconsciously, you may both begin to think, They dont tell me everything,
so why should I tell them everything?
At its core, the single most devastating impact is that nagging sense ofdoubt about each other, creating a near-constant state of anxiety and un-
ease. If you cant trust the person closest to you, the person you love, who
can you trust?
People can become consumed by thoughts like these, and its like having
a scab. In this case, youre picking at each others every action, snooping,
and analyzing every encounter you have in the relationship. You expend
mental and emotional energy in trying to figure out whats going on so you
can make doubt go away.
The feeling that someone is going behind your back and deceiving you is
both heart-wrenching and unsettling. But theres a spectrum here. On one
side is complete honesty and openness. Minor lies, which can be unsettling,
are on this end. In the middle are lies that are substantial and consistent
enough to make you wonder. The other end is profound lies so powerful that
over time you begin to question every action the person does.
The only way you can bring the relationship back to the honest and open
end of the spectrum is to infuse your relationship with the secret sauce of
transparency.
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Solution to Doubt: An Infusion of Secret Sauce
For couples who want to remove that seed of doubt, I tell them they abso-lutely must practice transparency.
When youre transparent, you dont hold back information and you dont
give your partner any reason to doubt you. If you can become so open that
your partner can actually see throughyour words and actions like a piece of
sheer fabric and feel confident they know what youre thinking and doing, this
allows them to feel secure that youre being honest.
Becoming transparent takes practice, and it wont happen overnight.
There may even be mistakes at times, or youll slip and use a little white lie.
It doesnt mean all is lost. What I ask you to do is keep trying.
Let me explain what transparency is NOT
Transparency is not reporting your every move or looking at your partner
as being your parent. If you think like that, youll quickly become resentful
and itll come across when you communicate.
Just so you know the difference, heres what reporting sounds like:
Honey, Im just calling to say Im on my way to the store. Im getting bread
and milk, whichll take me 10 minutes. But if theres a line, it may take 15
minutes. Then Im stopping for gas, which will take about four minutes
This is a blow by blow account, and no one wants to live like that. I cer-
tainly dont, and I dont recommend that to the people I counsel. Reportinglike that is exhausting, and serves no real purpose unless theres a case of
extreme betrayal, but thats a topic for another day.
Transparency is a basic sharing of information. Here are some examples
of transparency:
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Im just calling to let you know Im hung up in traffic and will be late.
I went shopping today and bought some new shoes.
I went out with my wine group for dinner. It was a mix of men and women
of all ages.
See the difference? These are basic statements of fact about what you
have done, and they are about common courtesy.
For example, when you call to say youre running late, it saves your part-
ner from wondering. Youre offering the gift of peace of mind. Your partnerdoesnt have to guess because youve removed the anxiety of not knowing.
Or, letting them know you went shopping or you went out socially with a
mixed group of people is a way of placing things clearly on the table. Your
partner wont come across your four shopping bags later and think, Why
didnt she mention she was shopping? or wonder, Was she out with a group
of men at that wine group? Doubt will have a hard time taking root in an
environment where this kind of common courtesy thrives.
This is how a conscious couple behaves: they look for opportunities to
care for one another, saving each other from unnecessary pain, stress or
anxiety. Theres enough of that in the world, and loving partners do what they
can to not add to the others burden.
Not one of these was formulated as a Mother, may I question. Its a vol-
untary transmission of information, not a 10-page report or debate. Youre
simply giving information as an act of courtesy and respect.
Also, please know that transparency does not mean being brutally honest.
Again, you want to be courteous to your partner, so you wouldnt say, I am
currently looking at that woman over there and wondering what it would be
like Thats being honest, but its brutal.
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Transparency is more of an art than an exact science, and itll take time to
get it right, with lots of practice. But it does bring many benefits In fact, Ive
found there are three mega-benefits that come with practicing transparency.
The Three Mega-Benefits of Transparency
To start with, transparency helps each partner actually maintain their
sense of individuality rather than take something away from them. Youre re-
vealing yourself fully to your partner and saying, Take me for who I am and
accept me.
Another benefit is that it contributes to each partner feeling that all-impor-
tant sense of security. You both get to feel safe and secure in one aspect of
your life, even if everything else is volatile. You feel happy and more fulfilled,
and it eases the constant anxiety in wondering, Whats my partner doing
now?
The third benefit is true intimacy. If you want a truly intimate relationship,
then be honest with each other. The more youre like an open book, the more
intimate your relationship can become.
All of us are driven by the craving for a close intimate connection with
another human being. And it begins with understanding how well were cre-
ating an environment of transparency for that to happen, and why we may
sometimes struggle with it.
So, its time to learn how to be more transparent. The follow 4 healthy re-
lationship habits will guide you on your way to infusing your relationship withthe secret sauce.
The 4 Healthy Relationship Habits
These are healthy habits, centered on transparency, that conscious cou-
ples repeatedly do to promote openness in their relationship.
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Starting today, I want you to practice each one, and if you like, you can
even record your efforts in some form of journal. Ive talked before about the
need to be mindful in your words and actions, and recording what you doand say and your attempts to improve habits helps you to be mindful. It also
gives you something to refer back to that shows progress in improving your
relationship and reaching the ideal of being a match made in heaven.
1. Assertive Communication
The first healthy habit is Assertive Communication. This means you
dont hide your thoughts or try to rule over your partner. You simply shareinformation in a direct, straightforward manner. Youre comfortable sharing
feelings, where you go, and even what your hopes and dreams are.
The assertive communicator strikes the happy medium between passivity
and aggressiveness: they state the facts and are open to suggestions, com-
ments and feedback. Its an honest, open style of communication, perfect for
transparency.
I want you to get started with this today. If you normally dont feel comfort-
able sharing information with your partner, be patient and make the effort.
Practice sharing information in a basic, straightforward manner. Every day, I
want you to practice this until it becomes a healthy habit.
We will be reviewing assertive communication in more detail in the future,
as it is a critical skill that benefits all aspects of your relationship.
2. Perspective Swap
The second healthy habit is practicing a Perspective Swap. This means
you try to patiently understand your partners point of view and opinions,
treating them with respect and dignity. I always tell my clients, Just because
your partner doesnt think like you, doesnt mean theyre wrong.
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Try to understand how your partner may respond to a given situation. For
example, if your partners running late one evening, you may not worry or
need a phone call. But when your partner expects one, you may feel sur-prised: it doesnt bother youwhen theyrelate.
With a perspective swap, you understand that while something isnt im-
portant to you, it may still be important to your partner.
I want you to practice this skill by working to see your partners perspec-
tive each day. When you are in the midst of conversation, hit your internal
pause button when you hear something you dont agree with. Then, putyourself in their shoes and try to see the difference between the way you see
the world and the way your partner sees it.
3. Foster Team Spirit
The third habit is to Foster Team Spirit. This means you have each others
back, and view yourselves as a team. Therefore, you communicate things
openlyfor the good of the team.
For example, if you want a flat-screen TV, you could just buy it, and deal
with repercussions later. But a healthy, transparent couple would work to-
gether as a team to make the decision.
You may not have the opportunity to do this every day, but you could start
small, such as asking for your partners feedback or opinion on something.
Asking your partner to share ideas helps foster team spirit.
4. Discuss, Dont Assume
The fourth habit is Discuss, Dont Assume. Lets go back to the previous
example of the couple that has different views on calling when late. Dont as-
sume just because something doesnt bother you, it wont bother your part-
ner.
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For example, maybe you like to attend happy hour, but it never occurred to
you to bring it up. You assume since your intentions arent badyou arent
there to pick anyone upyour partner wont have a problem with it.
However, your partner may not like the idea of you hanging out in bars
where singles congregate. You might not have bad intentions, but it doesnt
look good if you dont share the information with your partner. If they find
out later, you can lose major trust points: you have given the impression of
impropriety simply by withholding information.
Look for opportunities where you can discuss something with your partnerthat you normally assumed.
When it comes to transparency, we sometimes have to step out of the box
that is our personal world and see how the rest of the world thinks, reacts
and behaves. If you think all people think and feel exactly the same on all
issues and situations, youre going to set yourself up for relationship trouble.
Transparency is something you work towards. Its a process, and as you
work on it, its only right that I share with you some words of caution.
Infusing the Secret Sauce: Some Cautions
When you and your partner decide to be open with each other, you also
have to remain open to what you may hear, because many times, you wont
like what you hear.
I had that situation come up recently during counseling, where a man
asked for the truth from his partner, got the truth and then couldnt deal with
it. He said, You can tell me anything. So his partner tells him what she re-
ally feels, that shes been contemplating leaving. He flipped out and couldnt
handle it.
So the moral of the story is, dont say you want to hear me be honest, and
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when I am, you cant handle it and blow up. Sometimes, you may be uncom-
fortable with what you hear, so you have to steel yourself in advance.
Please realize that you probably arent going to like everything you learn
about your partner. I didnt like everything I learned about my wife, and she
didnt like everything she learned about me, either. You need to deal with it
and then move on.
Another caution: if you react badly when your partner is open with you,
theyll be scared to be transparent! Be able to admit when youve blown up
inappropriately after hearing the truth.
An authentic, intimate relationship requires transparency. You shouldnt
be doing anything to plant seeds of doubt.
Again, I can tell you, there are clear advantages to being transparent. It
benefits me. When I know where things are with my wife, I think, What a
relief, thats a part of my life I dont have to worry about. At least at home, I
have some certainty thanks to both of us actively practicing transparency. A
safe haven is a wonderful gift to give one another.
Also, Im around women and my schedule changes all the time, and my
wife never accuses me of an affair. I live in such a way theres no place for
doubt.
And that gives me peace. I dont have someone questioning me all the
time. I feel Ive established a reputation through my actions and my belief in
transparency. I want to be a person of character, and most people want tobe the same. But it does take effort.
So this week, I want you to look for opportunities to be transparent, using
the 4 healthy relationship habits. Even if you dont share this with your part-
ner, you can still set the example and do it. Theres nothing wrong with going
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Program 3 The Secret Sauce in Honest Relationships
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first, just understand that you may initially feel vulnerable.
And I want you to get ready for next week Were going to shake thingsup a bit and work on something thats really fun: Im going to teach you how
to make your partner want youfrom across the room.
Like the popular song that was out a couple of years ago, Im bringing
sexy back, so stay tuned.
Until next time!
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