Success with the Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defense
Diffusing Conflict by Reflecting Peace.
Tom Lutz
Reality Check
On a scale of 1 to 10, rate yourself for:
Energy
Commitment
Raise the power of self observation
The brain is a wonderful organ;it starts working the moment you
get up in the morningand doesn’t stop
until you get to work.
…Robert Frost
What we will learn today:
Build structure and reason around what you either know, or have intuitively felt about conflict.
Understand conflict and conflict mode from both Kilmann-Thomas and Satir
Give you some strategies for dealing with conflict “on line.”
Describe the Physical Signs of Conflict
Voice: Volume Inflection Tone
Body LanguageWord choice
Defensive - Accusatory Non-defensive
What do we know about Thomas-Kilmann?
Researching Conflict since the 1970sDeveloped a “Grid” which describes
conflict modes: Cooperative versus Assertive behavior
T-K require we understand our mode, the mode of others, and how they might interact.
Conflict Orientations Assertive
Unassertive Uncooperative Cooperative
Competitive Collaborative Sharing (Cooperative) Avoiding Accommodating
Conflict Management Style
Time out for…
Thomas-Kilmann conflict mode instrument…..
Conflict Orientations Assertive
Unassertive Uncooperative Cooperative
Competitive Collaborative Sharing (Cooperative) Avoiding Accommodating
Conflict Management Style
Thomas-Kilmann: the Five Conflict Handling Modes
Avoiding Unassertive/uncooperative
Competing Assertive/uncooperative
Accommodating Cooperative/unassertive
Compromising Moderately assertive/Moderately cooperative
Collaborating Cooperative/assertive
Let’s move on….
…to Virginia Satir
A family therapist
What do we know about Satir Modes?
Virginia Satir discovered that when people are involved in confrontations - a.k.a.- non-casual language interactions, our language behavior falls into one of five consistent modes.
The greater the stress the more we tend to select the mode we are most comfortable with.
Three types of Satir Mode choices:
1. That triggered by severe crisis (e.g. a trip to E.R.) the person is locked into a preferred mode. The choice is made below the level of conscious awareness.
2. Choice made naively due to being over-powered or the feeling of a mismatch.
3. A Strategic Choice, an informed or skilled choice based on knowledge.
The Five Satir Modes
BlamingPlacatingComputingDistractingLeveling
Blaming
Just what it says…attacking a source outside one’s self.
Characterized by distinct verbal and body language: Voice volume, pitch and tone are HIGH Selection of words…mostly “you” Body language…you get the drift…
Placating
Much like Blaming with voice being loud, high and staccato-like
Like Blaming, uses “you” frequently BUT, is sarcastically AGREEING Uses capitulation as a tactic to
foster blaming…(may be perceived as safer)
Computing
You’ll know it when you hear it: Does NOT use YOU Blames a “third party” for safety VOICE…tone, pitch and volume are
subdued Body language is subdued Participates in the discussion, but not the
argument….. Over the long run is inefficient
Distracting
This person either does not know how to argue, OR is not sure which side to blame, OR is frightened for ones safety.
Is Blaming, Placating and Computing… Voice, body and words similar to Blaming Distracting mode aggravates people who
like to argue…rather than being safe (as perceived) it is risky….
Leveling
It is the truth as the speaker knows it. Spoken with skillful language in a non-
confrontational manner. Leveling is the most efficient mode Characterized by:
Voice…low volume, pitch and tone LITTLE use of the word “you” Body language is warm…not threatening
Satir Mode choice…Naïve:
Blaming: Act like you have power; feel like you are powerless.
Placating: Act like you don’t care; feel like you care very deeply.
Computing: Act like you have no emotions; feel like you have too many emotions.
Distracting: Act like you have to say everything; feel like you have nothing to say.
Leveling: All three channels match: inner feelings, words, body language.
What happensWhen you match modes?
Blaming at someone who is Blaming creates a confrontation - ALWAYS
Placating at someone who is Placating creates an undignified delay
Computing at someone who is Computing creates a dignified delay
Distracting at someone who is Distracting is panic feeding panic…creates more panic
….and finally
Leveling with someone who is leveling is the simple truth going in both directions
Feeding the loop…
Rule: Anything you feed will grow: If you want to escalate the mode
coming at you…match the mode If you don’t recognize the mode coming
at you…use computing mode until you know...
Miller’s Law
In order to understand what another person is saying, you must assume that it is true, and try to imagine what it could be true of. (Usually we are thinking the opposite: it is not true, and what is wrong.)
And finally…Sensory Language:
Words that describe the senses such as touch, hearing, sight, and to a lesser extent smell and taste.
To give affirmation to a sensory speaker, you should match their sensory words.
To ignore their sensory mode is to refute their message.
Be careful of those who are touch dominant.
Being a PEACEMAKER
Summarizing…”Let me understand what you are saying.”
Use neutral words (leveling vs. blaming)Checking In: Reality vs. ImaginationTesting for agreement: “Would you agree
that…”Ask open ended questions.Restate a negative to make it more
positive
More peacemaking
Praise and encourage. “Thanks for the input…”
Validate issues and feelings (Use “I” messages)
Use clear (leveling) languageDon’t interrupt.Let them vent…within reason.Focus on issues not people.People want you to LISTEN
Thank You
Your Questions Please
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