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A step-by-step guide tocommunication skills training
Listento me
Listento you
Mandy Kotzman & Anne Kotzman
Based on the latest edition of the bestselling
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A step-by-step guide tocommunication skills training
Mandy Kotzman & Anne Kotzman
ACER Press
Based on the latest edition of the bestselling
LISTENTO ME
LISTENTO YOU
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First published 2008
by ACER Press, an imprint of
Australian CouncilforEducational Research Ltd
19 Prospect Hill Road, Camberwell
Victoria, 3124, Austral ia
www.acerpress.com.au
Text Mandy Kotzman and Anne Kotzman 2008
Design and typography ACER Press 2008
This book is copyright. All rights reserved. Except under the
conditions described in the Copyright Act 1968of Australia
and subsequent amendments, and any exceptions permitted
under the current statutory licence scheme administered by
Copyright Agency Limited (www.copyright.com.au), no part
of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval
system, transmitted, broadcast or communicated in any form
or by any means, optical, digital, electronic, mechanical,
photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the wr itten
permission of the publisher.
Copying of the blackline master pages
The purchaser is permitted to make copies of the pages marked as blackline master pages, beyond their
rights under theAct, provided that:
1. the number of copies does not exceed the number reasonably required by the purchaser to satisfy
their teaching purposes;
2. copies are made only by reprographic means (photocopying), not by electronic/d igital means,
and not stored or transmitted;
3. copies are not sold or lent; and
4. every copy made clearly shows the footnote (e.g. Copyright Kotzman and Kotzman 2008).
For those pages not marked as blackline masters pages the normal copying limits in the Act, as
described above, apply.
Edited by Rene Otmar, Otmar Miller Consultancy Pty Ltd
Cover design by Andrew Ritchie
Text design by Mary Mason
Typeset by Desktop Concepts Pty Ltd, Melbourne
Printed in Austral ia by BPA Print Group
National Library of Australia
Cataloguing-in-Publication data:
Author: Kotzman, Mandy.
Title: Listen to me, listen to you: a step-by-step guide to communication skills training/Mandy
Kotzman, Anne Kotzman.Edition: New expanded ed.
ISBN: 9780864318640 (pbk.)
Subjects: Assertiveness (Psychology) Study and teaching.
Listening Study and teaching.
Self-esteem Study and teaching.
Other Authors/Contributors: Kotzman, Anne.
Dewey Number: 158.107
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To Di Bretherton
Our dear friend and mentor
With gratitude for your inspiration, support and encouragement
And for all of us striving
to make the world a better place
by promoting effective communication
based on mutual respect and understanding.
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v
Contents
How to use t his guide: Essential information
for leaders 1
Introduction 1
Focus of the training 1
Getting started 2
Designing your own program 2
Using this guide 2
How people learn 4
Guidelines for group leaders 4
General preparation for all sessions 6
Orientation 7
General introduction for the leader 7Aims 7
Preparation 8
Getting started 8
About this training course 9
Activity 1Wish for change 10
Communication involves skills 10
Activity 2Communication challenge 11
Activity 3Why do we communicate? 11
CommunicationA two-way process 11
Activity 4Internal and external communication processes 12What to communicate 13
How to communicate 14
Activity 5The way you say it 14
Winding up 14
Activity 6Reflecting on communication 14
Worksheet 15
Notes 18
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Conten t svi
Self-esteem 19
General introduction for the leader 19
Building and maintaining self-esteem 19
Aims 19
Preparation 20Why bother with self-esteem? 20
Activity 7Using circular models 22
Activity 8Whats good about you? 22
Activity 9Discarding the negative 23
The value of objectivity 24
Activity 10Observations versus evaluations 24
Making meaningful affirmations 24
Activity 11Affirmations/compliments 25
Winding up 25
Self-care 26
Aims 26
Preparation 26
The importance of self-nurturance 26
Activity 12How do you nurture and care for yourself? 26
Activity 13Two short relaxation techniques 27
Making self-care a priority 27
Winding up 28
Activity 14Reflecting on self-esteem and self-care 28
Worksheet 29
Notes 32
Self-awareness and self-knowledge 33
General introduction for the leader 33
Fundamental human needs 34
Aims 34
Preparation 34
Introducing the idea of basic human needs 34
Activity 15Exploring needs 35
Activity 16How I meet my own needs 35Activity 17Other strategies for meeting needs 35
Activity 18Unmet needs 36
Winding up 36
Activity 19Reflecting on needs 36
Core values 36
Aims 36
Preparation 37
Introducing values 37
Activity 20The values card game 38
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Conten t s vi i
Winding up 38
Activity 21Reflecting on the value of exploring values 38
Purpose 39
Aims 39
Preparation 39
Introducing the idea of living on purpose 39
Activity 22Reflecting on peak moments 39
Activity 23My eulogy 40
Activity 24Drafting a purpose statement 40
Winding up 41
Activity 25Reflecting on self-awareness and self-knowledge 41
Worksheet 42
Notes 46
Effective listen ing 47General introduction for the leader 47
Personal qualities/attitudes 48
Aims 48
Preparation 48
Introducing personal qualities/attitudes 48
Activity 26Attitudes are important 49
Winding up 50
Activity 27Noticing attitudes 50
Attending and encouraging 50
Aims 50
Preparation 50
Introducing attending 50
Activity 28Non-verbal communication 51
Introducing encouraging 51
Activity 29Open questions 52
Activity 30Attending and encouraging 52
Winding up 53
Responding 53
Aims 53
Preparation 53
Introducing response styles 54
Activity 31Response-style quiz 54
Activity 32Reactions to different response styles 54
Activity 33Identifying and understanding common responses 55
Understanding different response styles 56
Activity 34Practising different response styles 56
Impacts of response styles 57
Winding up 57
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Conten t sviii
Practising reflective listening 58
Aims 58
Preparation 58
Introducing reflective/active listening 58
Demonstrating paraphrasing 59How to paraphrase 60
Activity 35Practising reflective/active listening 61
Winding up 61
Activity 36Reflecting on effective listening 62
Worksheet 63
Notes 71
Self-assertion 73
General introduction for the leader 73
What assertiveness is and is not 74
Aims 74
Preparation 74
Introducing self-assertion 74
Activity 37What is assertiveness? 74
Non-assertive behaviours 75
Activity 38Comparing aggression, submission and assertion 75
Winding up 76
Why be assertive? 76
Aims 76Preparation 76
Activity 39Why be assertive? 76
Winding up 77
Blocks to assertiveness 77
Aims 77
Preparation 77
Introducing blocks to assertiveness 78
Activity 40What stops you being assertive? 78
Winding up 78
Assertiveness in practice 78
Aims 78
Preparation 79
Preparing to be assertive 79
Activity 41Self-assertion primer 80
Making assertive statements 80
Whole messages 81
Activity 42Practise with assertiveness 82
Winding up 82
Activity 43Reflecting on assertiveness in practice 83
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Conten t s ix
Dealing assertively with criticism 83
Aims 83
Preparation 83
Activity 44Responses to criticism 83
Activity 45Assertive responses to criticism 84
Winding up 85
Setting limits and saying no 85
Aims 85
Preparation 85
Introducing setting boundaries/limits 85
Activity 46Practise saying no 86
Winding up 87
Activity 47Communication mantra 87
Dealing assertively with anger 87
Aims 87Preparation 87
Introducing handling anger assertively 87
Activity 48Handling rising anger 88
Activity 49Dealing assertively with anger 89
Winding up 89
Self-assertionA five-step approach 90
Aims 90
Preparation 90
Introducing an assertiveness recipe 90
Activity 50Using the five-step approach to assertiveness 91
Winding up 91
Activity 51Reflecting on self-assertion 91
Worksheet 92
Notes 98
Managing confl ict collaboratively 100
General introduction for the leader 100
Aims 100
Preparation 100Activity 52A memorable conflict 101
Sources of conflict 101
Apparent conflict 101
Pick your battles 102
Feelings associated with conflict 102
Outcomes of conflict 103
State of mind and approaches to conflict 103
Activity 53State of mind 104
Attitudes and beliefs 104
Activity 54Attitudes 105
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Conten t sx
Bringing useful skills and creativity to conflict 106
Needs versus positions/strategies 106
Activity 55Needs beneath positions 106
Effective listening 106
Activity 56Effective listening 107
Brainstorming 107
Nine-part collaborative conflict management 108
Aims 108
Preparation 108
Activity 57Practising collaborative conflict management 108
Winding up 110
Worksheet 111
Notes 114
Reflect ion and closure 115General introduction for the leader 115
Aims 116
Preparation 116
Closing activity 1 Verbal feedback 116
Closing activity 2 Written feedback 116
Closing activity 3 Giving thanks 117
Closing activity 4 Certificates 117
Closing activity 5 Contact information 117
Closing activity 6 Program photos 117
Closing activity 7 Group photo 117
Closing activity 8 Positive messages 118
Closing activity 9 Reflections 118
Closing activity 10 Testimonials 1 118
Closing activity 11 Testimonials 2 118
Closing activity 12 Social gathering 119
Closing activity 13 Sharing food 119
Closing activity 14 Candles 119
Closing activity 15 Say it with flowers 119
Worksheet 120
Feedback sheet 122
Sample certificate 123
Appendices 124
Appendix 1Values cards 124
Appendix 2Response-style quiz 130
Appendix 3State of mind scenarios 134
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1
How to use this guide:Essential information forleaders
Introduction
The New Expanded Edition of Listen to Me, Listen to You (Penguin, 2007) is a
successful publication designed to help people improve their sense of self and ability
to communicate with other people. However, some people prefer experiential learning
to book learning, and group experience can deepen the learning process. We wrote
this step-by-step guide for teachers, trainers, facilitators and others who are inspired
to lead communication skills training based on Listen to Me, Listen to You.
Focus of the training
The focus of this training is on how to get along better with oneself and other people.
It offers opportunities to discover how what we say, and how we say it, can change
our lives, and the lives of the people with whom we interact. We believe this program
is suitable for a variety of audiences and a range of different settings, such as
community workshops, schools, special interest groups, personal development and
corporate training. Throughout the manual, we refer to the person conducting the
training simply as the leader, to emphasise that, although the educational process
can be stimulated and guided by another person, the ultimate responsibility for
learning rests with the learner.
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Getting started
After the Orientation, this guide follows the same sequence of topics as Listen to Me,
Listen to You (hereafter referred to simply as LTM)Self-esteem,Self-awareness
and self-knowledge, Effective listening, Self-assertion and Managing conflict,concluding with Reflection and closure. As with the book, each of the five main
sections contains elements of, and connections with, the other sections. For example,
collaborative conflict management involves self-awareness, listening, assertion and
other skills. If you are limited to a brief session on one topic, you will need to be
careful to refer to the broader context of communication skills in which it sits, and
encourage participants to explore the connected topics.
Designing your own program
We have designed and organised the information and activities to allow flexibility so
you can select particular subsections according to the focus and scope of your
program and the time you have available. Using this guide will enable you to lead a
one-hour lunchtime session on a particular topic, half or full-day workshops, a
comprehensive weekend program, a four-session adult education class, a ten-week
course over a school term or some other format of your own design.
That said, we strongly recommend that, when possible, you elect to present the
material as a complete, integrated program because of the inherent interconnectedness
of the various components of communication.
Using this guide
We believe it is really important for you to read and fully understand the information
contained in LTM. This guide includes specific references to relevant sections of the
LTM for broader and more complete coverage than contained here. Ideally, each
participant will also have access to LTM.
For convenience, we have divided each of the main topics into three separate
sections:
1. Leaders Guide: step-by-step instructions for you, the leader, with three strands:
Normal text: useful information for you.(i)
Highlighted text(ii) : ideas for you to speak to as you introduce theoretical
and practical aspects of a topic. In order to make it easy for you to present
this material authentically and with heart, modelling the concepts and skills
as you share them, you will need sufficient familiarity with this material to
make it your own.
Text preceded by(iii) : step-by-step descriptions of activities. Short-hand
terms in bold text at the beginning of each step indicate what to do, and
with whom (see below).
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H o w t o u s e t H i s g u i d e : e s s e n t i a l i n f o r m a t i o n f o r l e a d e r s 3
2. Worksheets: for participants to record their experiences. We suggest that you
reproduce these and hand them out at the beginning of each session, with an eye
to actively engaging participants and assisting their learning and subsequent
recall. The exception to this is Feedback Sheets, which should be returned to the
leader, and Certificates, which you might want to distribute at the conclusion of
your program.
3. Notes: brief summaries of each topic, which you can reproduce and give to
participants. We have found it works best to distribute these at the end of each
session, as this reduces the likelihood of participants becoming disengaged or
sidetracked.
At the end of the guide, you will findAppendices containing additional resources
for particular activities. Class sets of these could be re-used multiple times.
In combination, theWorksheets and Notes should provide participants with a
structured, personalised account of their learning experience for future recall andreflection. To avoid any ambiguity, we give explicit permission for theWorksheets,
Notes, Feedback Sheet, Sample certificate and Appendices to be copied for
educational purposes, provided that normal copyright regulations are followed.
Explanation of short-hand terms: We begin each step of each activity with short-
hand terms to help you quickly and easily identify what to do and with whom:
Board = record information or draw tables on a whiteboard, blackboard or flip
chart.
Brainstorm = think creatively about a topic and list experiences, ideas,
strategies etc.
Discuss = lead discussion of the topic, questions or experiences that arise from
activities.
Group/2 Groups/3 Groups = involving the entire group/the group split in half/
the group split into three.
Individual = participants work on this activity on their own.
Invite = invite participants to share, respond, do or consider something.
Pairs = ask participants to form pairs. Encourage them to get to know one another
by choosing different partners. Question = ask for specific ideas, information or experiences.
Share = ask for the sharing of ideas or experiences.
Small group = ask participants to form small groups of about four to eight.
Task = the leader does something, or has the group or participants do something.
Triads = ask participants to form groups of three.
Worksheet = ask participants to write notes for a particular activity in the spaces
provided on their worksheets.
Discuss, Invite, Question, Brainstorm and Share simply suggest different ways of
engaging participants.
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Combinations, such as Small group/Discuss would involve discussion within a
small group, while Group/Discuss/Board/Worksheet , means you lead the whole
group in discussion, make notes from the discussion on the boardand ask participants
to make notes on their worksheets.
How people learn
These days, there is a great emphasis on efficiencyachieving the maximum
outcome for the minimum input (usually measured in time or money, or both).
Against this backdrop, it can be tempting to drift towards a quicker, more lecturing
style of presentation, with the expert presenter providing verbal and written
synopses of key information for the learners to absorb. While communication skil ls
may appear to be simple in theory, and participants may believe they know it all even
before they start, in our experience, it takes a great deal of repetition, practice and
reflection to achieve a reasonable level of mastery.
Most experienced personal development trainers know that, in order to do justice
to their material, it is invaluable to share it experientially. Real learning happens when
new information is integrated with existing knowledge and new skills are practised
sufficiently to be incorporated into the learners repertoire. With lectures, this mostly
happens after the training event, and then only if the learner has time, energy,
motivation and opportunity to do the follow-up work that makes it happen. In contrast,
presentations that are experiential encourage learners to assimilate and incorporate
new information and to practise new proficiencies with guidance, support, feedback,
repetition and reflection duringthe training event. We cannot emphasise too strongly
that the more people do, experience, reflectand link new information and skills with
what they already know, the better they will learn. In dealing with changes in att itudes
and behaviour, it is essential that students really experience the effects of these ways of
interacting, and integrate their learning into their own personal style.
Many people receive messages more effectively through one sensory mode than the
othersvisual, auditory or kinaesthetic. You can make your messages more accessible
by trying to cover all of these modalities. For example by asking Do you see what I
mean?, Does that soundright? or Does that make sense?, as well as providing written
and pictorial materials, engaging in discussion and undertaking activities.
Guidelines for group leaders
Those of you who are not used to running experiential groups, and even those of you
who are, will find it valuable to consider the following:
Leadership style: As a leader, the kind of person you are, and the way you interact,
will set the emotional tone of the group and make all the difference in the way the
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participants feel about their experience. We all learn best when we are enjoying
ourselves and are relatively free from anxiety. You can have fun and still take a topic
seriously, laughing and learning with the group, so long as you are not grand-
standing, putting anyone down (except yourself) or hi-jacking the learning process.
Aim to achieve a balance, combining seriousness with light-heartedness. Be mindfulthat some topics may seem innocuous and yet can press buttons for some people. If
this happens, you will need to respond with sensitivity and understanding; for
example, by inviting the person to let you know what kind of support they need from
you or others in the group.
Effective teaching: Remember that people have a limited attention span and you
will need to change pace and mix activities to maintain energy, involvement and
alertness. If eyes are glazing over, you are wasting your time trying to just finish a
topic. The learning process involves not only listening and participating, but also
making meaning from the experience by linking new knowledge to existing
knowledgethis takes time and mental space. You need to accommodate this or risk
losing their attention. In general, think of engaged participants as being in receiving
mode only about 25 per cent of the time; otherwise, they are making meaning or
resting.
Housekeeping: These issues always need to be addressed at the outset. They may
include general rules and information about eating, smoking, mobile phone use,
access to toilets, the timetable for the day or the program, arrangements for tea/
coffee and meal breaks, starting and finishing t imes, parking, and so on.
Expectations: You will need to clarify your expectations about the behaviour of
group members. Explain that you expect each person to take responsibility for caring
for themselves and making themselves comfortable, but you also expect them to care
for one another by, for example, treating disclosures with respect and complete
confidentiality, listening with acceptance and understanding without interrupting,
and contributing to the sense of trust in the group, so that participants can feel safe
and enjoy themselves. Invite people to raise any concerns, questions or comments,
and respond to them appropriately.
Getting acquainted: If you have not already been introduced, participants may
like to know a little bit about who you are and why you are leading this training.
When meeting with any group for the first time, leaders are advised to undertake
activities that enable group members to get to know each other, to build trust and
cohesion in the group, and to introduce the topics. The scale of this process should
match the scale of the training you are offeringbrief for a one-hour seminar, longer
and with greater depth for a multi-week program.
Linking sessions: If your program involves multiple sessions, begin each session
with a brief icebreaker or warm-up activity to encourage involvement and gain
attention and focus. This might be an introductory activity (see Orientation), a joke,
a brief story, a game or something unexpected that you have planned. Keep it short
and be sure its appropriate for your group. Its important to start off on a sound
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footing. Make sure you briefly recap what has already been covered in the previous
session preferably by asking participants for this informationor you could assign
this task to someone in the previous session.
Conclusion and closure: Make sure you allow time for Winding up at the end of
each session and Reflection and closure at the end of multi-session programsevenif it means cutting short other activities. This is an important opportunity to
consolidate learning through recall and reflection, and to link new ideas with existing
knowledge and experience, as well as to debrief or attend to any issues that might
have arisen for participants.
If you are leading an extended program or course, it is important, in the final
session, to provide participants with the opportunity to say goodbye and thank each
other. Depending on how you plan to make closure, you may need to plan ahead,
especially if it involves something such as taking photos, gathering comments or
arranging for food.
General preparation for all sessions
Things you will need to do, or to have available:
Read the relevant section(s) of LTM. To see how well you have read and understood
the information, you might like to imagine trying to explain it to a make-believe
audience.
Read the relevant section(s) of this Guidemaking all necessary preparations
(for example, generating or recalling your own stories or examples to enrich
learning and stimulate participation).
Familiarise yourself with and copy or print theWorksheets and Notes for yourself
and all participants.
Prepare group sets of materials from theAppendices as needed.
Have a supply of nametags and marker pens.
Arrange for a whiteboard or something similar, plus whiteboard markers and an
eraser.
Flip charts can be useful if you wish to keep information over an extended training
course.
Ensure that all participants will have access to writing materials and something to
write on.
Formulate your rules of engagement.
Re-check, and carry out, suggested Preparation.
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7
Orientation
General introduction for the leader
As they say, You only get one chance to make a first impression! The way you begin
with a group of people will set the tone for what is to follow. Regardless of whether
you are planning to cover one or more selected topics, or are leading a series of
workshops covering the entire program, this is your opportunity to draw the group
together, engage participants and focus their attention on the task at hand.
The discussion and activities in the Orientation provide opportunities to:
generate interest in the topicWhy should I care?, Whats in it for me?; develop
relationships in the group that promote learning; and establish group cohesion,
culture and trust.
Aims
To introduce participants to one another and to initiate group cohesion and
trust.
To inspire interest in developing self-awareness, communication skills and/or
proficiency in managing conflict effectively.
To explore participants goals and expectations.
To examine the relationship between internal and external brain-mediated
communication processes.
To have participants consider their current communication styles.
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Preparation
Review General preparation for all sessions, p. 6.
Nametags (self-adhesive labels work well) and a thick pen.
Flip chart (to record group aspirations for future reference and/or to keep you on
track) (optional).
Your own example of a genie-granted wish and how it might serve your needs/
values forActivity 1.
Your own story about communication that didnt workand how it didntfor
Activity 2.
Getting started
Welcome the group and introduce yourself. Give a brief outline of the proposed
course of training, pointing out that plans are flexible and that, where possible, the
material can be customised to the specific needs of the group as these unfold.
Address any important housekeeping issues (see Guidelines for group leaders,
p.4). Make sure that everyone has a suitable nametag.
Pairs/Task/Group/Share: i ch h. o
h , h ch h
c f hv h h cf h h h h
; f x, h h , h h , h h j. af h
hv h , v ch c h cqc h h. m h c. gv xc f h
c c cc.
Individual/Task : a h v hv ch c hf, c
f h h ch h, ch c , h h , v
h fv f f. wh h qc, c h h i
xc h h xc vv.
It is important to find out what will have value and meaning to the participants, so
that you can make sure the training is relevant to them. This is an opportunity foryou, as the leader, to model openness and listening skills, as well as to gain insights
into individual aspirations, moods etc.
Group/Invite/Board: a wh h h h c h f
f h /c//h? wh h f
h xc? l h h h ( , f ch c
f h h hv h). y c , wh
q, hv ? y cc
h f x, v f. if , h
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o r i e n t a t i o n 9
sk pcps plc hmslvs mgy l, dcg hw much hy wsh b
ps hs g sss (0100 p c) d sk hm xpl h pss.
These activities are intended to give participants an opportunity to meet one another,
experience their own communication styles, share aspirations/fears/feelings and get
into a state of readiness to move on. You may need to make this link for them with
comments such as, Now we are all more aware of our goals, lets move on to or
simply Are we all ready and willing to move on now?
About this training course
Every part of our lifewhat we think, how we feel and what we dois affected by the way
we communicate, with ourselves and with other people. The way we communicate has a
major influence on whether life is rich and wonderful, or frustrating and miserable. What
you say and how you say it really can change your life.
For something so important, it is perhaps surprising that many of us receive no real
guidance or training in communication. Instead, we muddle through life emulating role
models, some good and some less so, and learning by trial and error. Unfortunately,
by the time we are mature enough to recognise the ineffectiveness of some of our
ways of communicating, they may have become fixed, familiar, well-practised, hard-to-
change habits.
As social beings, living involves both personal and interpersonal processesa kind of
dance between the within and the between. The within processes include knowing who
you are, what is important to you, what you need or want, and being mindful and connected
to the present. Its about developing self-awareness and self-knowledge. The interpersonal
or between processes have two main aspects:
Receiving and filtering inputs through our senses, interpreting them and transforming
them into meaning.
Our own outputs, both verbal and non-verbal, which become inputs for other people.
Understanding and managing these processes well is a prerequisite for effective
communication, and this can be developed and refined with practice.It is often both enlightening and empowering to take a step back and examine with
some objectivity our habitual ways of communicating: What are we actually saying and
doing? When does this work for us and when is it less effective? What could we do
differently? What would it take to make changes? What rewards might this bring?
In spite of our best intentions and skills, communication can break down or conflicts can
arise. Knowing how best to handle these situations for positive outcomes can greatly
enhance our effectiveness and our quality of life.
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This course is designed to help people get along better with themselves and others. By
strengthening self-esteem, enhancing self-awareness and self-knowledge, and developing
communication skills, we can have more choice about how we live and interact.
Board/Flip chart: w h f h f f h
f fq.
It is often notwhatwe say, buthowwe say it that makes all the difference.
Activity 1Wish for change
Use the following exercise to uncover a way in which participants might like their
lives to be different, and to examine in greater depth what needs and values this
would nourish. Its about tapping into participants motivation for change.
Individual/Question/Worksheet: s h ch
f.
wh h f?
wh ch h?
H f ?
y ff x v h f h .
Group/Share: ec c h h fh , ,
c f h v. t h h h f ;h h v? s h i c h h
f c h if h ,
h h.
Communication i nvolves ski l ls
Learning how to communicate effectively is about developing a range of skills. With these at
our fingertips, we can choose how to achieve our intentions in a wide variety of situations.Different styles of communicating have surprisingly different, but somewhat predictable,
outcomes. Unfortunately, its easy to be unaware of the role we play in social interactions, and
often we may fail to recognise or exercise our potential to be agents for positive change.
Communication, like any other set of skills, can be learned, and needs to be practised in
order to achieve proficiency or mastery. It requires a readiness to develop greater awareness,
try new things, review the outcomes and try again based on what you learntit is an iterative
process.
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o r i e n t a t i o n 11
Reflect on your willingness to learn some new skills by trying the following exercise. It
might be interesting to return to this activity when you have completed this course and
learned some new ways of communicating.
Activity 2Communication challenge
Individual/Worksheet: rcll d dscb sgfc su vlvg dffcul
cuc h h ps.
Group/Share: rcll s dffcul cuc sus (ld: sh yu
sul dscuss f cssy). wh s dffcul bu ? myb h h py dd
s udsd yu, phps yu culd chv h uc yu sugh, yu pd
h bh ps flg bd, shg sl dff. wh uld lk
hv hdld hgs dffly?
By developing awareness and skills, you may well be able to choose to handle a similar
situation more satisfactorily in the future.
Activity 3Why do we c ommunicate ?
Group/Invite/Board/Worksheet: ids bu h pups f cuc. th ls
shuld clud:
xchg f sblsh, dfy lshps.
Communic ationA two-way proces s
Communication with other people involves two main, complementary, often simultaneous
processes:
Speaking and expressing oneself.
Listening and responding to the other person.
Speaking involves sending a message. For example, an assertive message says to the other
person: I am telling you about me, how I feel, what I need, or what I want, think or believe.
Listening involves both receiving messages from others and responding to them.
Regardless of how you listen, you sendsome sort of message back to the speaker. Effective
listening and responding generate and convey our understanding (or sometimes our
misunderstanding) of the speakers message. An effective listeners message is: Im
interested in learning about you, how you feel, what you need and what you want, think or
believe, and this is what I understood you to have said.
The separation of speaking and listening is a somewhat arbitrary one, made to facilitate
the learning of two sets of skills. In real life, communication involves both the speaker and
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the listener expressing themselves, listening to the other, responding, and responding to
responses. Therefore, listening and speaking are really part of an ongoing, complex,
reciprocal and interactive process.
Both the sending and receiving components of communication involve specific skills,
many of which we already have and use all the time, with varying degrees of success.However, we can benefit from refining them or learning and practising new and better ways
to use them.
Misunderstandings can occur in a number of ways, both in the way we send a message
and in how it is received. We have all had the experience of wondering how another person
could have so completely misinterpreted what we thought we had conveyed. We may also
be unaware of the extent to which internal processes, such as mood, past experiences and
memories, mediate how we create meaning from the messages we receive.
Within each of us, our thoughts, feelings and actions are interconnected. What we think
affects how we feel and what we choose to do. How we feel shapes our thoughts and our
behaviour, and what we do affects our feelings and thoughts. Furthermore, because we are
conscious beings, we can actually think about our thoughts as we have them. The more
conscious we become of our own internal processes, the more we can choose to modify
them if we wish. Other peoples internal processes are unknown to us and can be problematic,
but ours are more or less under our control.
This is particularly relevant when communications misfire. We clearly need strategies for
checking whether we have understood one another correctly, and the ability to create
opportunities to remedy any misunderstandings that may have occurred. The skills involved
in effective listening are key to this process.
Activity 4Internal and exter nal communication
processes
The purpose of the following activity is to provide the participants with a list of
words connected with communication and, through discussion, have them generate
clarity about the relationship between internal mental processes, external processes
and the interfaces between them. Try to represent this understanding in a diagram
such as the one on the next page. It may look rather complicated, but in practice its
actually not so bad. It is a way of pulling together peoples thinking. If you end up
with something like this, give yourself a pat on the back!
Board: dw h h h c hv hWorksheet, w
h w: , hh, w , , c, cv, , ,
h , c. ( h w w h c).
Group/Discuss: g w c hh vv cc
w w , h w h w cc h. f x:
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or i en ta t ion 13
Internal processes
(Brain mediated)
External processesand interface
(inputs and outputs)
Thoughts Feelings
Act ions
RespondSend
Two-person communication flow diagram
Thoughts Feelings
Actions
words & gesturessights,sounds,
etc.
Person 1
Person 2Receive
Needs
Needs
Receive
Internal processes
(Brain mediated)
RespondSend
Internal processes are important in determining what and how we send and receive
messages, and how our own internal stuff is, to some degree, under our control.
Key points include:
Thoughts, feelings and actions are interdependent. Consciously modifying any one of
these will have an effect on the others.
When we respond, we are sending messages (both verbal and non-verbal).
Sometimes we may not deliver the message we intended to send.
Our sensory and mental processes filter incoming messagesso what one person
intends, says or does, may not be what the other person hears, sees or understands.
Learning new communication skills is about enhancing choices; its not about dictating how
anyone shouldcommunicate.
What to communicate
Figuring out what you really want to communicate is not as simple as it sounds. It requires
having a clear idea of who you are and what you really need or want, what you are trying to
achieveyour real intentions. Before you can interact effectively with other people, you
need to be in touch with yourself.
Part of this connection with our self comes from an almost constant internal conversation
through which we describe our experiences, make judgements, generate emotions, consider
options, assign meaning, create generalisations, and so onin essence, narrating our lives.
Because our brains mediate all our perceptions and experiences, in this sense our lives are
all in the mind.
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Regardless of whether or not we are conscious of it, this self talk is ongoing. Learning
to tune in on this processself-awareness or mindfulnessprovides us with an opportunity
to choose how we live our lives, rather than blundering along mindlessly, living life as a
series of knee-jerk reactions, sometimes feeling powerless or out-of-control. From a state of
heightened self-awareness, we are equipped to know what it is that we are trying tocommunicate, what our intentions really are.
Knowing who we are and what we want provides important foundations for effective
communication.
How to communicate
How often do you hear someone say, Its not what happened its the way it
happened ?
Activity 5The way you say it
Group/Brainstorm: u h ( ), x h
v ch , ch .
f x:
g h .
iv ; c . i h .
y , h .
Group/Question: wh c h h h
v? f x, chc , vc, , c.
Winding up
Each of us has our own motivations for wanting to communicate better. Reflecting on when
and how we are most and least effective in communicating provides a personal focus on
where we might want to make changes. The greater our awareness and skills, the greater
our choice about how we get along with ourselves and other people.
Activity 6Reflecting on communication
Individual/Question/Worksheet : C h h .
Task: d NotesOrientation.
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o r i e n t a t i o n 15
Listen to Me, Listen to You: A step-by-step guide to communication skills training. publshd by aCer pss. kzm d kzm 2008.
WORKSHEETORIENTATION
Activity 1Wish for change
a g gs yu sh chg yu lf. wh uld yu sh f d hy uld yu chs
hs? wh ds uld m?
Activity 2Communication challenge
rflc sl xc h cmmuc dffculs:
wh s vlvd?
wh s h su?
wh s sd?
wh s h ucm?
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Listen to Me, Listen to You: A step-by-step guide to communication skills training. ph aCer p. kz kz 2008.
Activity 3Why c ommunicate ?
wh cc?
Activity 4Internal and externa l communication processes
s h cc x c, h
h : , hh, , f, c, cv, , , h
, c. y f h h c.
Two-person communication flow diagram
Person 1
Person 2
Internal processes
(Brain mediated)
Internal processes
(Brain mediated)
External processesand interface
(inputs and outputs)
th c :
thh, f c , hch , cc
fc ch f h.
wh , .
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o r i e n t a t i o n 17
Listen to Me, Listen to You: A step-by-step guide to communication skills training. publhd by aCer p. kzm d kzm 2008.
smm w my dlv h mg w dd d.
ou y d ml c fl cmg mg wh d d
y d my b wh h h h, udd.
Activity 6Reflecting on communication
th bu wh yu hv ld bu cmmuc, d cd yu d.
ov h x w, h m bu hw yu cmmuchw yu d , wh w, wh
d, wh yu mgh l chg.
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Listen to Me, Listen to You: A step-by-step guide to communication skills training. ph aCer p. kz kz 2008.
NOTESORIENTATION
Cc :
exch .
m, , h.mv cc , .
Cc v, what how cc chc
(ltm, .7778).
wh , h, h h (ltm, .2930).
k h , h v, h cc
hc cv.
ic h awareness skillshc chc h v c (ltm, .37).
mv ch h cc h h
, j, hv h ,
h cc cc. ph h h h h ,
h hv jc c h. whv c
v, v v c h (ltm, .204,
208212, 225245).
Cc , - c vv v h
:
th sends h h h h. f x, th h i
; h i hv xc; h i ; h i , h i , h v.
th receives h (c
), responds , h c h . l/cv ( ); x, i ( )
, h xc , h , h , h , h
v, h h i . (ltm, .7781)
i , cc vv h h h x hv,
h h, , . l
cx cv c, vv h, c,
v c (ltm, .2).
l h cc cv v hch c
ch chv . d cc hv
c c. w h h h . C
h c h (ltm, .81):
n, hh, c cc (ltm, .16).
o c h cv .
wh h xc , c ch h, ch.
l h , cc c . l q h,
v h c . sc cc cx c vv h v
h , v h h , c c hc v
cc (ltm, .73).
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19
SELF-ESTEEM
General introduction for the leader
Read LTM, Part One: Self-esteem, pp.734.
Much of this training course focuses on skills for effective inter-personal
communication, including the importance of attitudes such as genuineness,
acceptance and empathy. However, intra-personal processesthe ways in which we
perceive, interpret, define and interact with ourselvesshape the way we interact
with other people and, hence, our overall quality of life. We will begin by looking at
the role of self-esteem and the importance of being a respectful and a caring friend
to oneself.
It is not unusual for some participants to believe that this topic is not an important
issue for them, and indeed it may not be. However, understanding that it may be
important for other people with whom they interact can serve as motivation to engage
with this topic.
Building and maintaining self-esteem
Aims
To recognise how perception of self colours our perception of the world.
To discover how the way we communicate with ourselves affects our self-
esteem.
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To notice and appreciate personal strengths.
To practise giving and receiving authentic and positive feedback.
Preparation
Re-read LTM, pp.734.
Review General preparation for all sessions, p.6.
Recall a personal experience to share, about when low-self-esteem got in the way
forWhy bother with self-esteem?.
Obtain sheets of scrap paper and writing materials for all participants, and a box,
basket or similar receptacle forActivity 9.
Create a list of examples of self-deprecating statements for reframing in
Activity 10.
Why bother with self-esteem?
You may be wondering why self-esteem is important.
In recent years, there has been much debate about the importance of high self-esteem
some people believe it to be over-rated, while others suggest that it is more about self-
respect. They argue that there is too much emphasis on me and not enough on others,
and that if we behave badly we shouldnt feel good about ourselves. However, the negative
impacts of low self-esteem on relationships, happiness and life satisfaction have been well
documented. Furthermore, having high self-esteem doesnt mean being selfish or thinking
that everything you do, think or feel is perfect. It is really more about self-valuing and self-
respect, a state in which you can be comfortable in your own skin, warts and all, objectively
evaluating your life and being appropriately accountable.
Think about how we respond to other people when we are feeling bad about ourselves.
For example, when we judge ourselves to be inadequate, we may feel resentful and hostile,
or depressed and sad. We may behave in negative, dominant or aggressive ways, we may
be self-effacing or withdrawn, or we may flip from one state to the other. When our self-
esteem is low, it is difficult to step back from ourselves in order to listen clearly and with
understanding to other people. Our own feelings are likely to get in the way. Low self-
esteem can prevent us from functioning the way we want to in our personal and professional
lives, which further reinforces a sense of inadequacy and can set up a vicious circle.
Group/Share: ex f wh w f- h wf h
h w (l: Hv f w h c f
c).
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s e l f - e s t e e m 21
Most people experience low self-esteem from time to time. For others, because of the way
they have been taught to view themselves from an early age, or because of the negative
social and emotional environment in which they have continued to live, low self-esteem is a
serious and chronic problem that colours everything.
Imagine that your boss and co-workers only noticed and remarked on your mistakes orlimitations, and did so at every opportunity. They were constantly critical and demeaning,
mistakenly assigning praise for any of your achievements to someone else, or dismissing or
ignoring them. After a while, you might start to believe this distorted view and feel awful.
Group/Question: wha kin o vauing ag o you giv your?
For people with low self-esteem, this is the sort of environment they may have experienced,
and often one they continue to perpetuate internally by the way they talk to themselves.A poor self-image doesnt mean that you are no good, but rather that you have learned
to view yourself in a negative way, focusing on your mistakes or faults and trivialising your
successes and strengths. You can choose to see this simply as a bad habit. The good news
is that because the thoughts, feelings and actions that make up a habit are only learnt
responses, you can choose to replace them. Most people find that this requires considerable
effort, but habits certainly can be modified.
To some degree we are all stuck with our basic temperament. However, we can transform
our self-esteem by taking control of the way we think, feel or behave in relation to our
self.
Task/Board: dra hi circuar o on h boar:
Adding a time dimension to this model turns it into a spiral (draw a spiral to illustrate this).By choosing to change any element in the cycle, depending on what suits you best, you can
turn a negative, downward spiral into a positive, upward spiral. The choice is yours. Lets see
how this works using thoughts as an example.
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Activity 7Using circ ular models
Task: pv c . f x, y ,
y , c x h .
2 Groups/Task: dv h h. g 1 hh h hv -, g 2 hh h hv hh -.
Group/Brainstorm/Board : wh hh h cc h v h v
- h ? a h h h hv h?
rc h c:
Group 1 Low self-esteem Group 2 High self-esteem
Draw attention to the differences in the thoughts that accompanied the situation
associated with the level of self-esteem. Make the following links:
When we deliberately notice our negative thoughts (ways of talking to ourselves) that
perpetuate low self-esteem, we can exchange them for more positive ones. This can turn
a negative spiral that maintains low self-esteem into a more positive spiral that fosters
higher self-esteem. This process is known as reframing.
Since what we think determines what we feel and do, what we do affects what we think
and feel, and what we feel changes our thoughts and actions, we can deliberately
interrupt the cycle wherever it suits us to bring about change.
Activity 8Whats good about you?
In some circles, celebrating our own strengths and achievements is frowned upon and
discouraged. It may be seen as boasting, bragging, inappropriate, impolite or even
unlovable. It is apparently acceptable for others to praise us, but if we do this for ourselves,
we may be rejected or ridiculed. Little wonder then, that many people learn to devalue
themselves or downplay their strengths and achievements.
Individual/Task/Worksheet: w v h h hv.
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s e l f - e s t e e m 23
Sometimes people find this difficult to do. If so, explain that it does not mean that they are
short on personal attributes, but possibly that they are not in the habit of acknowledging
and appreciating themselves. Continue adding to your list over the next few weeks.
Pairs/Discuss: sh h v qu n h n h ng u h
cvy. w y k h ? w hy hng g hng u
hv h nh n, cy n hy n kn ? i , hy?
Group/Discuss: w h hnk v v hng? wu v
hng hy n k u hv? why gh h hv n ? wh
c h u ckngng v u? a h uu?
Group/Discuss: th vu v ck n nhncng -.
Group/Invite/Share: wy hy ycy c cn. d hy uuy cc h
cn h hnk n nhnc? o, hy ugh h n,
c , u ckng n h y? i , hy? an h c
h hv n h -?
Activity 9Discarding the negative
Task: pc h x k n n h , n k cn ng
hv un n cc.
Individual/Task: thnk u chcc hy n k u hv n chn hy u k c, hch hy u ng h nnyuy h h
gu. w h u n n ycy c y ng n h
x v. encug ng h h nhu n ; vn cy!
Group/Task/Discuss: rny v ch h, n y n, n h
u. Chng h gu c u h ny v c h c
chcc h hy cn gn, ng cv . f x, hyn
y hng h n k, u y nk nvy, hch cn
v u. bng vgh gh unc, u cu n vng n
n . Hvng h gh v y, u h cu uc h kh gng ck!
Many apparently negative characteristics have a positive side. Recognising this can enable
us to view and use these attributes positively and to be kinder and more accepting of
ourselves. This may be a first step to being kinder and more accepting of others as well.
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The value of objectivity
For most of us, generalisations and moralistic judgements that imply rightness/wrongness
or goodness/badness seem to come easily and with little thought. But remember, they are
only our opinions. When this kind of language contains putdowns, insults, blame, criticisms
or negative comparisons, it undermines self-esteem. The ability to make specific, objective
observations, uncontaminated by value judgements can be considered the highest form of
human consciousness. Although it can be really challenging, it is an invaluable skill to
cultivate for getting along better with ourselves and others.
Activity 10Observations ver sus evaluations
Group/Task/Worksheet : th h hv whch h
j whch h w c c. f x, h ,
h hv, h h i , i w h.
Small Group/Task/Worksheet: t h
, v-, cc, c v. f x, i hv 90 c w i
5 . av, c hv h w wh
-, -cc . f x:
i w
i /h/
i w .
i h
i c
Group/Share: th v c h cv.
Making meani ngful a f f i r mat ions
Many compliments or affirmations, while sounding nice, are simply opinions or value
judgements. A compliment or affirmation is more meaningful when it combines an observationof what someone has done, or how they have been, with its positive impact on you. Perhaps
surprisingly, praise or positive judgements can actually undermine self-esteem, by shifting
the emphasis from self-evaluation to another persons opinion. A compliment based on the
positive impact on you, is quite dif ferent. Compare: Youre so brave, with When you chased
off that big dog, I was impressed by your courage and I felt relieved and grateful.
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s e l f - e s t e e m 25
Activity 11Aff ir mations/compli ments
There are two main parts to this activity: practising an affirmation/compliment in
the above form, and accepting an affirmation/compliment graciously.
Group/Task: fr circ. on by n, ch prn urn h prn n hir righ ndgiv hi prn gnuin, piiv irin in h r n brvin (bu h
prn r hir cin) nd n pprciin (hw i h hd piiv ipc n yu, h
pkr, nd hw i h d yur i br).
If the members of the group are relative strangers, acknowledge that the scope for
affirmations will be limited. But regardless of this, the activity ref lects situations we
often encounter in real life.
Task: th n wh i cpind i ccp i grciuy, hnk h pkr nd vid
dbunking r undrcuing h piiv dbck.
Group/Invite/Worksheet: ar vryn h hd urn giving nd rciving cpin,
hr hir xprinc wih hi civiy nd k rvn n.
Alternatively, affirmations/compliments can be written on slips of paper (preferably
signed) and delivered in person to each group member (can also be used for closure
see Reflection and Closure Closing Activity 10). This gives people something tangible
to take away with them and has the advantage of having a more lasting impact.
People have been known to keep and treasure these personal affirmations and re-
read them from time to time, even years later. You might work out a way to combinethe two approaches, by giving participants time to write their compliments down
before saying them, and later handing them to the recipients. Remind them to put
the other persons name and their own on the notes so that the identity of both the
writer and the receiver are clear.
Winding up
Individual/Task: mk cin wrk wrd nhncing hir wn nd hr
pp - by, r xp: nicing nd cknwdging prn rngh in nd hr giving hr pp gnuin piiv dbck whnvr pprpri, prrby by
king n brvin bu wh hy did nd cnncing hi wih i piiv ipc
n yu
grciuy ccping cpin nd piiv dbck.Individual/Task: think iuin in which yu igh ppy h id, nd wh
dirnc hi igh k yur rinhip.
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Self-care
Aims
To recognise the need for personal restoration and re-creation. To recognise that the responsibility for this is yours.
To become more skilled in caring for yourself.
Preparation
Re-read LTM, pp.2228, p.165166.
Review General preparation for all sessions, p.6.
The importance of sel f-nurturance
Many people live or work in situations where the demands on their time and energy are
high. With ever-increasing pressure to do more, work harder and strive to have it all or
give their all, they can find themselves feeling overloaded and stressed.
Against this backdrop, it is easy for self-care to fall by the wayside, or become a low
priority. But, in some ways, human beings are like machines, requiring regular maintenance.
You can choose to perform maintenance in an incremental, timely and sustainable manner,
or you can wait until your hand is forced by a catastrophic break down, by which time the
task of recovery is likely to be larger, less convenient, more complicated and more costly.
Sometimes, it is too late to catch up on neglected self-care. You can brush your teeth daily
and visit your dentist regularly, or wait until your teeth decay beyond repair, and by then you
may need a full set of dentures! Restoration or re-creation is a basic human need, and each
of us must take responsibility for finding and implementing ways to care for ourselves.
Tune in to your own needs! Listen to your body! Plan systematically for whatever re-
creational and restorative experiences you need to enable you to retain your enthusiasm,
energy and general wellbeing, so you can enjoy life and contribute meaningfully to the lives
of others.
Activity 12How do you nurture and care for yourself?
Group/Question: wh - cv chq hv h cv
jv hv? f x:
s q h .
V h h.
l c.
Ch h .
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s e l f - e s t e e m 27
exrc rguary.
wak n h park.
ma or o yoga.
s a or py raxng an ong nohng.
Board/Worksheet: l h a an ugg hy rcor any a ha appa o
h.
Share the following two common techniques for restoring calm and becoming
centred.
Activity 13Two shor t relaxat ion te chn iques
Group/Task: donra h tak fv chnqu. expan ha h a chnqu u
by ngr o ca hv bor a proranc. spy ak v o, p brahan a h ar ou ar ach on. inv h group o prac h you.
Group/Task: donra h hour rop. s cooraby. tak a p brah an a
you ou, concouy rop your hour, on an back. f h non avng your
boy, noc h ay opn your ch an ncra your ung capacy. inv h group
o ry h oo.
Mak ing self-care a priority
To fit acts of self-care into your schedule, you will need to assign them a high priority and
resist notions that self-caring activities are selfish, of secondary importance, or a waste of
time. You may need to experiment in order to discover what suits you best.
If you are involved in nurturing or looking after the wellbeing of others, you many find that
despite your best intentions, your personal resources become depleted. When this happens,
it may be necessary to let your charges know your limitations, and to use your awareness that
your batteries are running flat to motivate you to take time out to care for yourself.
Above all, be kind to yourself. Treat yourself with the same care and attention you
would bestow on others. Learn to be your own best, most appreciative and encouraging
friend. In the end, it is your selfyour strengths, energy, perceptions, wisdom and
experience, your own uniquenessthat is yours to enjoy and to offer to your relationships
and your community.
Task/Board: wr up h oong an:
The most important and vital resource you have is your self. Appreciate it, and care for it.
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Winding up
When it comes to respecting yourself, it is your responsibility to understand, appreciate,
care for and nurture yourself, and to build and maintain your self-esteem. Others may help
you, but no one else can do it for you. LTM has a number of suggestions about how you can
start to appreciate yourself more and be kinder to yourself. Learning how to communicate
more effectively can improve your relationships and is one way to increase your sense of
efficacy and self-worth.
Activity 14Reflecting on self-esteem and self-care
Individual/Task/Worksheet : rc h f h .
Task: d
NotesSelf-esteem.
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s e l f - e s t e e m 29
Listen to Me, Listen to You: A step-by-step guide to communication skills training. pubhd by aCer p. kzn nd kzn 2008.
WORKSHEETSELF-ESTEEM
Activity 7Using cir cula r models
Cnd h hugh h gh ccny h un dcbd n wh:
Low self-esteem High self-esteem
Activity 8Whats good about you?
fv hng i bu y:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Activity 9Discarding the negative
on hng i dn bu y :
Hwv, v n h wng wy:
rcgnng h ngv bu cn hv v d w u b nd nd
ccng uv.
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Listen to Me, Listen to You: A step-by-step guide to communication skills training. ph aCer p. kz kz 2008.
Activity 10Observations ver sus evaluations
s i h v c f f:
1.
2.
3.
4.
a cc v, f f v j h :
1.
2.
3.
4.
Activity 11Aff ir mations/compli ments
th ff/c i ff w
th ff/c i cv w
Activity 12How do I nurture and care for myself?
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Listen to Me, Listen to You: A step-by-step guide to communication skills training. pubhd by aCer p. kzn nd kzn 2008.
Activity 14Reflecting on self-esteem and self-care
in h n i hv nd
ov h nx , i hn bu h i cunc. H d i d ? wh ? wh
dn? wh gh i chng?
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Listen to Me, Listen to You: A step-by-step guide to communication skills training. ph aCer p. kz kz 2008.
NOTESSELF-ESTEEM
sf-:
h c f q c v (ltm, .11, 25)
c f c hf f (ltm, .15)
(ltm, .20)
fc , , h f (ltm, .29ff).
sf- f h h h.
w c c, v v, h f- f h h h
cc h h (ltm, .33).
sf- ffc cc c h f f fc h
c h h . pc f , c h ,
, hc, subjective. m c f h h , h ,, , , v ccf h . th cv c ffc
h f h cv , hc, h h.
ev h v v f h . l f- v c
v xc h h h c f v. ic h fc
f, cv , hv v
h f -f- (ltm, .15).
a f -f- (ltm, .16ff) c:
f h, c, , h, fv
f
c f f-cfc
f h xc f f
x
fz , c cc cv, v
x h v .
if hv f-, c ch v f, h h
c v. th h h h h vh
f, h h c h vj f , j
f chv. tf v f cv hh v
h f- q h v cc f hh, f
c, c h cfc, c, v ch (ltm, .1018,
25ff).
b , c f, f f (ltm, .22).
n f f- f f; h
h c h h ffc h f-, hc h q f h
v, . w hv c v h c
h f h v c (ltm, .13, 165166).
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33
SELF-AWARENESS andSELF-KNOWLEDGE
General introduction for the leader
Read LTM, Part Two: Self-awareness and Self-knowledge, pp.3567.The more you know about who you are, what you really want, how you operate and
your preferred personal style, the more you can choose how to live your life.
The importance placed on self-awareness and self-knowledge varies from person
to person, and from time to time. Some people might be concerned about being too
inward-looking and self-centred, but were not recommending incessant navel-
gazing or self-focus at the exclusion of awareness of others. We recognise the life-
enhancing benefits of combining mindfulness with a strong sense of self.
We believe that in order to connect authentically and communicate effectively
with other people, you need to know yourself well, and to know your real
intentions. Increasing your self-awareness and self-knowledge will foster more
effective communication, enhancing your own life and the lives of those with
whom you interact.
Sometimes its hard to know where to start. In this section we suggest exploring
the roles that fundamental needs and core values play in our lives, and how a purpose
statement can keep us connected with these, moment by moment.
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Fundamental human needs
Aims
To accept that everyone has needs. To increase awareness of fundamental human needs.
To understand how the drive to satisfy needs underpins everything we do.
To distinguish actual needs from the strategies we employ to meet them.
To recognise that there are many strategies for meeting needs, some more effective
than others.
Preparation
Re-read LTM, pp.4455.
Review General preparation for all sessions, p.6.
Introducing the idea of basic human needs
In order to be complete, whole, fulfilled and thrivingto have health and wellbeingit is
essential that our basic human needs are met. Arguably, all people have these same
fundamental needs, but there are many different strategies for meeting them. Most people
would recognise our need for food, air and water, but may be less aware or accepting of
other important needs, such as love, play or community.
Often the words needs and wants are used interchangeably, but they are not exactly
the same. Wants, wishes or desires are typically more superficial than needs, or they
may represent strategies for meeting needs. For example, I may wantto be skinny, but what
I really need is acceptance or love, and I mistakenly believe that satisfying my want will
achieve this. When I become aware of my underlying needs, I may be able to see many
different ways to meet them.
Sometimes we hear of people being labelled as needy.
Group/Discuss: wh ?
Needy might more fruitfully be seen as someone struggling to get legitimate needs met.
It can be empowering to recognise that:
Everyone has needs.
By virtue of being human, we all have the same basic needs.
Attempting to get our needs met underpins what we doincluding doing things for
other people, our family and friends and the broader community.
There are many ways to get needs met, and some work better than others.
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s e l f - a w a r e ne s s a n d s e l f - k n o w l e d g e 35
Activity 15Exploring ne eds
Group/Brainstorm/Board/Worksheet : gt t h . e tht th
c ( th t th b Activities 16, 17 18):
1. sbtc/hyc tc
2. ptct/ty/cty/c
3. lv/ct/thy/ty/ct
4. ut/cty/cvy
5. m/tct/cct/cty/b
6. l/t/y/xt/h
7. Ctvty/-x
8. itty/ /b
9. f/ty/chc/c/c
Note that you can survivewith many unmet needs, but you cannot truly thrive this way. It is
a natural human drive to endeavour to get your needs met, not forgetting that your needs
include considering the needs of others. Being aware of this drive, and the true nature of
your needs, can help you to figure out the best, healthiest, most-effective strategies for
meeting them.
Activity 16How I meet my ow n needs
Individual/Worksheet: Ch th -btc t th b
Activity 15. H thy cty t th t? (nt: th y b y
t y.)
Individual/Task/Worksheet : C h t th , th y, ht c t
cct th th thy hv. f x, t th -x by
y th h t t ht ht cct th th t b ct
th h ht b ty t .
Group/Share: wht hv thy cv bt thvth th tt
t th?
Activity 17Other strateg ies for meeti ng needs
Small Group/Brainstorm/Worksheet: wht th y hch th thy ct
Activity 16 ht b t?
Group/Share: wht hv thy cv bt th vty tt vb t t
?
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Distinguishing between a need and the strategies for meeting it may sound simple, but
owing to our relative unfamiliarity with this distinction, it can be difficult to do without a lot
of practice.
Activity 18Unmet nee ds
The following activity may be unsettling for some participants; they may have
negative feelings, become agitated or withdrawn. Look out for and handle such
responses with empathy and compassion.
Pairs/Task/Worksheet : Ch f h -c Activity 15 h
q h ,
fc h h h.
Group/Share: wh hv h cv ?
Winding up
Group/Task: s h h hv . Hf h c:
w h c h f hh f h.
n v . mch f h , hh ffcv ,
f .
th ; c h ffc h
f , c.
Activity 19Reflec ti ng on needs
Individual/Task/Worksheet: iv ch c h f h c
c q h h , c
h .
Core values
Aims
To increase awareness of personal core values.
To recognise that living in accordance with core values is inherently fulfilling
and satisfying.
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s e l f - a w a r e n e s s a n d s e l f - k n o w l e d g e 37
Preparation
Re-read LTM, pp.5563.
Review General preparation for all sessions, p.6.
Copy a set of the Values Cards inAppendix 1 for each participant forActivity 20.
Provide scissors for them to cut them apart, unless you prefer to pre-cut them
prior to the session.
Arrange for surfaces on which participants can sort cards (such as desks
or tables) forActivity 20.
Introducing values
Values are beliefs, qualities or ways of being that are intrinsically worthwhile, significant,
desirable and important to us. They are essentially an extension of our needs.
Our values provide a foundation for setting priorities for living, choosing how we think
and what we do. They range in importance from somewhat superficial and transitory to
deep and enduring core values. Honouring our core values as we live generates a deep
sense of harmony and satisfaction. This doesnt necessarily mean being constantly cheerful;
life can be challenging and fulfilling at the same time.
Uncovering your values is about finding out what really makes you ticknot what you
think you should think, feel or do, or what others believe, or even what you learnt from your
parents. It means determining what is at your very core. Living life according to your own
values has a deep sense of rightness about it.
Sometimes its difficult to find the right words to describe your values, maybe because
you havent given them much thought. But the very process of trying to articulate them can
help you become clearer about what you really value and what is less important, and this
can be both motivating and liberating.
Its easy to assume that your values are the same as other peoples, and thats not a bad
starting point in the absence of information to the contrary. But while we may have much in
common with others, we are all unique individuals, so whats important to you may be less
so for someone else and, conversely, whats important to them may not be a high priority
for you.
The following activities aim to help participants discover more about their own
core values.
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Activity 20The va lues ca rd game
Individual/Task: u h V C c Appendix 1, hv h
c c h hv .
Individual/Task: f hh h c, , h hc, c ch c h : v ,
.
t c h v cc h h, h h cc
h c.
a h v h c h h c v.
Individual/Task: wh h hv c h , h c h v
h , ,
h hv h 10 c h v . th
h hv h j h , hch v
c.
Individual/Task/Worksheet: a h 10 ch v , c h
h c v, c h h h v h h h v
v.
Winding up
Whether you are interacting with yourself or with other people, knowing who you really are
and what you really value is enormously important and empowering. It is difficult to interact
effectively with others when you are not coming from clear and solid foundations.
Activity 21Reflec ting on the va lue of exploring values
Group/Discuss: wh h cv h cv? i h ch,
, c, , , hh-v v?
Individual/Worksheet: rc c v h h hv h v.
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s e l f - a w a r e ne s s a n d s e l f - k n o w l e d g e 39
Purpose
Aims
To understand what a purpose statement is, and how you can use one to improveyour life.
To create a draft purpose statement.
Preparation
Re-read LTM, pp.6467.
Review General preparation for all sessions, p.6.
Introducing the idea of living on purpose
In the context of this training course, it is not important whether you believe that you have
a purpose handed to you by an external power or whether it comes from within. The reason
to articulate your purpose is to provide ready access to this wisdom. Putting it into words,
by crafting a purpose statement that reflects the essence of your being, can help you to get
really clear about your priorities. It is easier to keep your life on track when you have a
readily accessible frame of reference and can see, effortlessly, what is, and what is not,
consistent with it.
Ideally, a purpose statement should be short and to the point; fewer than 20 words is a
good target. It should be empowering and grounding, giving you a sense of pleasure and
connection with yourselfit should call you to live by it.
Activity 22Reflecting on peak moments
Individual/Task/Worksheet: rc c p mm i hi ih h
bi ci , i ci hi i picu pc h
ih h uiv. smim pp hi bi i h ,
, ju, v biu. thi cipi hu b i icu: h h
i, h h bi, h h , h h h h i
h cpi m i uch pci im. yu cu i h pmp h b.
Individual/Task/Worksheet: dmi, m hi cci, hich vu mih hv
b hu i hi mm, p hi i mi Activity 24.
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Activity 23My eulogy
Individual/Task/Worksheet: i h h f h h f.
wh h h h h f?
Individual/Task/Worksheet: rfc h h cv h v h h h f hv f; h h.
The process of developing a purpose statement is iterativeyou draft it, say it slowly, over
and over, see how it fits, try it on for size, modify it, then repeat the process until you have
something that speaks to you. You do not have to share your purpose statement with anyone
else. Ultimately it is just for you, to bring out your best, so make it as grand or as modest as
you want, then enjoy living up to it.
Give some examples to illustrate what you are talking about. Make up your own or you
could use the following. My purpose is to:
form personal and professional partnerships with leaders who want to create organisations
that nourish the human spirit.
be an agent for positive change.
foster peace and harmony in all my interactions.
develop and use my talents/gifts as fully as I am able in service of the human race and
the biosphere.
Activity 24Drafting a purpose statement
Individual/Task/Worksheet: m f f f h h
hv hv h v cv. i hv fc, f
70 c fc. th c v f, ch m
i
i c h c:
d f cc h h ?
d h hh f ff v ?
w ff c ?
i h h , h ?
w h x cc?
Group/Share: if , c h h h f, h
v !
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Winding up
When you have an effective purpose statement, you will find it inspiring and motivating, it
draws you toward it, creating energy. With a clear purpose, your life has a sense of
directionyou know when to say yes and when to say no in pursuit of your intended life.
Individual/Task: ecu thm t ctiu ui ii thi pup ttmt
v th xt , tici i, h, it hp i mi chic tht citt
ith thi pt . wh it it quit iht, cu thm t i-tu it t
m it m ctiv pu.
Activity 25Reflecting on self-awareness and self-
knowledge
Small Group/Share/Worksheet: sh thi i m thi uit.
Task: ditibut NotesSelf-awareness and self-knowledge.
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Listen to Me, Listen to You: A step-by-step guide to communication skills training. ph aCer p. kz kz 2008.
WORKSHEETSELF-AWARENESS AND SELF-KNOWLEDGE
Activity 15Exploring ne eds
bc c c:
Activity 16How I meet my ow n needs
scf :
i h :
th /ch h cfc wh h h fw w:
Activity 17Other strateg ies for meeti ng needs
av w i h h c:
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s e l f - a w a r e ne s s a n d s e l f - k n o w l e d g e 43
Listen to Me, Listen to You: A step-by-step guide to communication skills training. pubh by aCer p. ktzm ktzm 2008.
Activity 18Unmet nee ds
a umt m :
i cu mt th by:
Activity 19Reflec ting on nee ds
i t mt my umt , i t:
Activity 20Values car d ga me
i ty , my t 10 vu, ucv (ty t) :
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
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Listen to Me, Listen to You: A step-by-step guide to communication skills training. ph aCer p. kz kz 2008.
i c h v h wh fv v :
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Activity 21Reflec ting on the va lue of exploring values
Activity 22Reflecting on peak moments
i c h fw xc
a h i w h h fw v:
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Listen to Me, Listen to You: A step-by-step guide to communication skills training. pubh by aCer p. ktzm ktzm 2008.
Activity 23My eulogy
at my th, i t y th but m:
fm th t t tht th th y mtt t m:
Activity 24Drafting a purpose statement
Activity 25Reflecting on self-awareness and self-knowledge
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Listen to Me, Listen to You: A step-by-step guide to communication skills training. ph aCer p. kz kz 2008.
NOTESSELF-AWARENESS AND
SELF-KNOWLEDGE
sf- , c, f- f.
sf- v: , v . a sc
k hf.
dv hh v f f- f- chc.
bc h v vh .
o v q f , fc , v.
a v c h h-f
c v.
y c hv ff f h c f h h
chv . Hv, cv c f
ffcv ch. ic f h h h h, f h h , c cf f chc (ltm, .37).
i ffc cc ffcv h h f f h
h h cv h chv.
o c f h f ff f x
needs
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