7/31/2019 Letters From Mallorca by Kevin Woodrow
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7/31/2019 Letters From Mallorca by Kevin Woodrow
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Kevin Woodrow
L E T T E R S F R O M M A L L O R C A
7/31/2019 Letters From Mallorca by Kevin Woodrow
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Copyright Kevin Woodrow
The right of Kevin Woodrow to be identified as author ofthis work has been asserted by him in accordance withsection 77 and 78 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act1988.
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may bereproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted inany form or by any means, electronic, mechanical,photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior
permission of the publishers.
Any person who commits any unauthorized act in relationto this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution andcivil claims for damages.
A CIP catalogue record for this title isAvailable from the British Library.
ISBN 978 1 84963 360 42nd Edition 2012
www.austinmacauley.com
First Published (2009)Austin & Macauley Publishers Ltd.25 Canada Square
Canary WharfLondonE14 5LB
Printed & Bound in Great Britain
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This book is dedicated to:
Aunty Rose,To whom I wrote the first letter 17
thNovember 2006, which
gave me the inspiration to produce this piece.
To my mate Steve,
The man who probably saved my life,
31st
October 2006.
To Gaye Baker,My cousin who gave me the idea to turn a desperate
Situation into the work you see before you now.
To my good friends Jean and Phil,
Without whose help I simply would not have survived.
To all the Nurses, Doctors, Security and Cleaning Staff
At Hospital Joan March,
Who became my Mallorcan Family.
To my Physiotherapist
Francisca Miquel Moranta
The girl I only knew for six months, but who definitely
became one of the most important women ever to have been
a part of my life.
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But most of all
This book is dedicated to: -
Nurse Maria Angeles
The girl who gave me the strength to carry on,
The woman who gave me light, when I could only see
darkness.
My Guardian Angel,
The girl who helped me through the pain.
I Thank You, and Love You All.
Kevin
X
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On the night of Friday 27th
I suddenly became very
cold, and asked my mate Steve if he had a blanket I could
borrow. Are you joking? he enquired.I wish I had been, for this was to be the beginning
of a three-day fever. Tonight would be my last night
working in Cagneys in 2006 and I spent the entire evening
wrapped in a blanket, while everyone else complained about
the heat!
For the next three days I was totally bedridden, and
can remember having arguments with people in the
bedroom who obviously were not there. The scariest ofthese by far was one of the Black Riders from the Lord of
the Rings trilogy, and I would be arguing with him for
hours. He was sitting in the corner of the room and in his
hands he was holding the biggest, sharpest sword I had ever
seen, and he was also constantly laughing at me! But the
scariest thing by far was when he threatened to kill me if I
couldnt drink a litre of water without needing to use the
toilet; which at the time was such a real threat, I was cold
and rigid with fear.
And so we reached Tuesday 31st
October -
Halloween. I had finally come out of the fever early in the
afternoon and looking at my foot, I was sickened to see a
mass of red puss staring back at me. I telephoned my mate
Steve and asked him, Can you fetch me a few things from
the chemist?
Luckily he had more sense. No Kev, you need to
go to the hospital, he replied. He told me to get myself
ready and he would take me to the casualty at Hospital Son
Duretta, situated in Mallorcas capital city of Palma. This
was a decision that was to save my life.
Thank you Steve.
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While I was waiting for my friend I tried to dress
myself, but found that as I tried to put on a sock, the skin on
my foot was actually peeling off, and a nasty foul smellingfluid was dripping from it and onto the floor. There was no
doubt about it - I was in big trouble!
Upon arrival at the hospital my mate went inside
and quickly returned with a wheelchair. I had never sat in
one before, but at the time of writing I have been living in
one ever since. It was difficult for me to get out of the jeep
and at the last moment my left foot touched the floor, the
pain was excruciating! I didnt know it then but this wouldbe the last time my left foot would ever touch solid ground
again! Steve wheeled me into the casualty department
where I could see the people inside were staring at me in
disbelief and Im sure they thought it was all some kind of
Halloween stunt. I could also see that even the nurses were
horrified!
At this point I lost my mate Steve, but later found
he had been talking with a foot specialist who told him,
Mr. Hobbs, your friend has the worst infection that I have
ever seen. She later told me the same but also added, I am
very sorry but I think you will lose at least two toes
tonight.
The next time I saw her was about two hours later
when in the operating theatre, where she actually performed
the procedure. She sadly told me a little later, I am really
sorry but I had to amputate all of your toes.
When the operation was completed I was taken to
the recovery room, where I must admit to shedding my first
tears. After about two hours I was taken upstairs to Room
325.
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R o o m 3 2 5
The next day I found myself sharing room 325 witha very strange man, who if he ever did exist, looked just like
our Lord Jesus Christ. He had a strange kind of bag
strapped to his torso which was constantly pumping water
into and through his kidneys. I later found out that hed
been stabbed in the back whilst enjoying the Halloween
festivities the evening before. He claimed to be an innocent
victim, but I really didnt believe him. He had the look of
one of those men who looked forward to, and also invitedtrouble at every opportunity!
Hospital Son Duretta is a training hospital and a
very good one, however the problem with this is that you do
not get a visit from the doctor alone, you get a visit from the
doctor accompanied by ten runny-nosedstudents!
A doctor came to see me at about 10.30 in the
morning, along with the same lady doctor who had
performed the operation the night before. She said that Id
had a really bad blood infection which had probably been
infecting my body for two or three months. She told me,
When the small spot appeared on your little toe, this was
the infection trying to leave your body, and it nearly always
attacks the left foot.
I asked her whether or not she could have saved my
toes if I had come in on the first day the spot appeared, but
she reassured me there was nothing I could have done
differently, I would have needed to have seen her months
before this happened, but then of course I didnt know that I
had any problems. She then told me the same thing she had
told Steve the night before, I honestly believe that if you
had not come to emergency last night, your friend would
have found you dead by the weekend!
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Then for even more bad news - my dressing was
removed and the smell was terrible. I dared to take a look at
my toeless foot, and being totally honest, I did not like whatwas staring back at me. My toeless foot looked and smelt
like a badly formed piece of cheese.
Looking at the faces of the ten fourteen-year-old
students, I could see in their eyes that at this particular
moment in time they were pondering as to whether or not
they had chosen the correct profession to spend the rest of
their working lives in!
It was actually a relief when the main man informedme, Im sorry Keveeeen, but Im afraid your foot has to
come off. Well perform the operation tomorrow evening.
The Spanish are a lovely race of people, and they
do speak a beautiful language, but they cannot pronounce
the letter I as in Kevin, pronouncing it as EEEE, so
when they say my name they always call me Keveeeen.
Later that day I had a visit from my two continental
friends, Jula from Hungary, and from Germany my very
good friend Werner, (pronounced Verna,) and what gifts did
my two mates bring for me; bearing in mind that I had just
been told the shattering news that I was diabetic? They
brought me a big bag of cakes and a packet of Cadburys
Chocolate Fingers, which would get me into loads of
trouble with the diet doctor later. Please read on
One of the nice things about Hospital Son Duretta
was the nurses, who were mostly very friendly, and the bed
baths they gave me were sensational, although I must admit
to being a little shy at first, but soon learned to just lay back
and enjoy.
During the second day of my stay in room 325 I
met a lovely nurse named Monika. She spoke good English
and was very friendly and sympathetic towards me. All my
friends inMagallufhad sent me a get well card and I asked
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Monika to sign it, and she wrote, To Kevin, a very good
patient, get better soon. Best wishes from your Florence
Nightingale Monika.I later promised Monika that in a few months, when
this nightmare was over she would be the first person I
would dance with, after my new leg was fitted. I also
promised her that I would use my stay in hospital to
improve my Spanish, and on the night we had the dance I
would also tell her a joke, fluently in her native tongue.
2
nd
November 2006
Last night I had a visit from the foot doctor. (Sorry,
I still dont know her name.) She explained the procedure of
tonights operation and told me they would perform it at
about 20:00. She also said that I could not eat or drink
anything at all today. This was a real shame, as I was
starving at the time!
Steve came for a visit along with Jean and Phil, my
friends from Magalluf, I think Jula may have come as well
but Im not too sure. To be honest I could have done
without any visitors today, but obviously they were
concerned for me, which of course was nice. They all
seemed pleased and frankly amazed at how calm I was, but
what they didnt know was that I was in so much pain I
couldnt wait to get the operation over and done with.
The men in white coats came for me at 19.30 and
wheeled me, still in the bed to the operating theatre, or I
should say the waiting room. A few moments later a man
dressed in green came to see me.
Are you Keveeeen? he questioned, to which I
obviously replied in the affirmative. Ill be your doctor for
the night. He was talking to me the same way a pilot would
talk to his passengers!
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Youre not going to bloody hurt me, are you? was
the question I heard escape from my lips.
He promised I would not feel a thing and then theytook me inside the room with the bright lights. The doc told
me I would receive an epidural, which meant I would be
awake throughout the entire operation. I was not too pleased
with this prospect. Ok I wouldnt feel a thing, but I would
bloody well hear the Texas Chainsaw in full operation
mode! Seor Doctor invited me to sit up and I could feel his
fingers manoeuvring up and down my spine, trying to find a
soft spot to stick the six-inch needle into.This is going to bloody well hurt, I stated.
Did you feel that? he asked.
No, I replied.
Then bang! He stuck the needle into my spine.
That hurt I can tell you, but maybe only for half a
second. He then put two or three more injections into my
back, but I can honestly say that I never felt a thing.
El Doctorinvited me to lie back and after a minute
or so informed me, Well Keveeeen, what we are going to
do now is have a race. If you can get to the door before me I
will give you my house, and I have a nice house.
(I was being operated on by Tommy Cooper!)
Getting a bit more serious he questioned, Are your
legs getting heavy?
Yes they are, I replied, as my legs slowly turned
into blocks of concrete. He asked if I could move my legs
but I could not, and I could not move them again for at least
four hours. The hospital could have burned to the ground in
a towering inferno and I would have burned with it! A sheet
was placed between the surgeons and nurses and me so that
I couldnt see what was going on, although I could see
shadows on the ceiling. They brought the heart monitor for
me to look at, as I had been fascinated by this piece of
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equipment during the first operation. The doctor told me to
shout if it went above one hundred and twenty-five beats
per minute and the operation began.For about half an hour I felt a tickling sensation at
the bottom of my leg. I was a bit concerned that I could feel
anything at all and kept saying, I can feel that, but they
just ignored me. After thirty minutes or so I began to smell
burning, but soon realised that it was my skin I could smell
burning! I then heard the dreaded saw begin, but within five
seconds it was over! A little more burning and a lot more
tickling, then before I knew it the operation was finished.El Doctor poked his head around the separating
sheet and said, Well Keveeeen, now we will take you to
the recovery room, and when you can move your legs, you
can return to your room upstairs.
I was astonished, Is that it, have you finished? I
asked the man in green. When I was told that the operation
was indeed completed, I told El Doctor that I was still
waiting for him to begin! He really was very good.
As I was leaving the theatre the green man told me,
Ill see you in about three weeks.
I asked if I could book him for the next operation
and he told me he was already booked. Mind you, I now
know that what he should have said was, Ill see you in
about three months!
So that was the end of the dreaded operation, and it
was all over in forty-five minutes. I was taken to the
recovery room to wait for the pain!
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A n E x p e n s i v e F u n e r a l
The next day (Friday 3
rd
November) I had a visitfrom a German lady who announced that she was the
hospital psychiatrist, and she wanted to talk with me about
my state of mind. She seemed to be a very nice lady and
made me feel very sure about the future, telling me what I
could expect from life and how it would be living with my
new leg. Then she said something strange, The funeral will
take place later today. I will let you know exactly what time
when I find out myself.
Funeral - whatever does she mean?
She then explained that in Spain, when a piece of
the body has been amputated and so separated from the rest
of the body it has to have a funeral, so that when the person
eventually dies, the complete body will be reunited. It is
obviously a religious thing.
Talking of religion, Jesus had a visit today from
two men who were questioning him for well over an hour. I
didnt know what they were talking about, but I was pretty
sure they were police. He looked very sheepish!
Later his mother came to visit. She seemed like a
nice old lady and so I gave her the big bag of cakes which
Werner and Jula had brought for me. I decided to give the
chocolate fingers to the nurses, for them to enjoy with their
evening coffee.
A little later the German psychiatrist returned with
Good news.She said that the funeral for my foot was to
take place this afternoon at 14:00, and I would receive the
bill on Monday next!
Bill - What bill?was my question.
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I was horrified to be told that I would receive a bill
for the amount of two hundred and fifty Euros, just to havemy foot placed into an incinerator!
I later had a visit from a nice Dutch lady named
Gaita, whom I had met the first night when Id arrived in
casualty - in fact that night she had more or less held my
hand to comfort me. Gaita re-introduced herself and
informed me that she was in fact one of the hospital
interpreters. Do you have any problems you would like to
discuss with me? S
he enquired.
Well Gaita - As it happens!
I told her about the visit from the Psycho and the
foot funeral, and the fact that I wasnt happy about paying
all that money for abarbeque. I also brought up a very valid
point when I questioned, So what happens when I have the
next operation, will I have to pay again to have my lower
leg buried?
Gaita frowned and told me, Ill find out about that
Keveeeen, thats a very good question, leave it with me.
My new Dutch friend returned about half an hour
later with some very good news. Keveeeen, the funeral
parlour has agreed to freeze your foot until the time your leg
is ready to be cremated with it. You can have two funerals
for the price ofone.
A two-for-one offer. Its just like being back in
Magalluf.
I wonder if I will get a free shot with that!
I later had a visit from the doctor and the ten snotty-
nosed, fourteen-year-old students. He wanted to talk with
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me about diabetes and asked about my diet; what I ate and
drank in a typical day. I told him that I honestly didnt know
how or why I had become diabetic. I never used sugar,always using sweeteners in coffee or tea. I never drank any
fizzy drinks unless they were sugar and calorie free. Yes I
liked a beer, but very rarely touched the top shelf.
What about sweets, cakes, biscuits, chocolate and
all that sort of rubbish? he enquired.
I admitted that I ate this type ofrubbish on the odd
occasion, but then who doesnt?
Nurse, check his cupboard.
As soon as I heard him give this order I was
horrified because I knew what was about to happen. True
enough, the nurse went through my personal things and
pulled out the packet ofCadburys Chocolate Fingers!
Bugger!
I explained to the good doctor about the two gifts
from my stupid continental friends, how Id given the cakes
to The Virgin Mary and of my intentions to give these
biscuits to the nurses To enjoy with their evening coffee.
Luckily he believed me and we both had a good chuckle
about the situation.
So what did cause my diabetes? They actually think
the problem was eating too much fruit, especially bananas.
Can you believe that? (I later found this to be a totally
incorrect diagnosis!)
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4th November 2006
On the morning of Saturday 4
th
November I woketo find that Jesus had risen again, and was putting his
clothes on. I enquired as to whether or not he was leaving.
He informed me he was off as soon as the doctor gave him
his release papers. As soon as he finished dressing, he
disappeared along the Corridor of Wonderment, only to
return half an hour later to inform me he was leaving. We
said our goodbyes and he departed.
An hour or so later the doctor came to see me,Where is your friend? he enquired inquisitively.
When I replied, He left about two hours ago, a
look of shock and horror came over the doctors face. It
turned out that nobody had given Jesus permission to leave
and in fact he was still a very sick man.
Another sixty minutes had passed when the two
men who Id earlier believed to be members of the police
force arrived. They asked me in perfect English, What time
did he leave? I told them roughly when he had disappeared
and they proceeded to go in search of him.
How exciting!
He was returned to me a little worse for wear early
that evening, We have brought your friend back, said one
of the two men, once again in perfect English.
They had made a tour of all the local bars and found
him paralytic on whisky. He had been returned to the
hospital, sobered up and then moved to a more secure ward,
not quite so close to the exit. I never saw him again, and
hope I never will!
Tonight would be the only night in Son Duretta
when I had the room to myself, and it would be the last
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night I would spend on my own before the middle of
January.
Later, in the evening I had a visit from Monika, myFlorence Nightingale. Shed heard I was alone and had
come to talk with, and keep me company for a while. (What
a lovely girl she is.) I asked her, Monika, I think I can hear
music, is there a nightclub nearby?
She told me there was a club just down the road and
then asked, Do you want me to close the window
Keveeeen?
Nothank you, in fact could you open it a little bitmore so I can hear the music better?
Monika went to the window and opened it a little
wider, then sat herself down on the window ledge. This was
the moment when I said to her, Monika, when this
nightmare is over I will return here, and with my new leg I
would like you to be the first girl I ever dance with.
Keveeeen that is a promise. she replied laughing.
Then with a broad smile, my Florence Nightingale
disappeared along the Corridor of Mystery.
5th
November 2006
The doctor announced today that I must get out of
my bed and sit in a chair, why - I dont know! It took three
big men to lift me from my comfortable bed and then
deposit me on a very uncomfortable chair. I sat there for
three extremely long boring hours, during which time my
telephone kept ringing but I couldnt reach it to answer. The
remote control was totally out of reach so I couldnt watch
the telly and, more importantly, if Id had a problem of any
kind, the panic button was also way out of my reach!
Later the Three Wise Men returned to replace me
back on the bed. They were pushing me one way, pulling
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me the other and I was slipping all over the floor. Then one
of them banged the bottom of my leg!
Put me down! I shouted in immense pain, Pleaseput me down, leave me alone and give me five minutes to
get my breath back. They did as I requested and left.
When they returned some ten minutes later I was
already on my bed and eating dinner. (Or trying to eat the
disgusting slops I had been presented with!)
How did you manage to do that on your own?
they enquired in disbelief!
I
m English,
I replied,We see the problem, wesolve the problem, we act on the problem!
What I did was to pull myself up on to my good leg
and crudely spin myself around so it was possible to fall
backwards on to the bed. I decided there and then that I
would allow myself as little help as possible.
I spent two more days recovering in Hospital Son
Duretta while waiting for a permanent bed to become
available elsewhere. Then the men in white coats told me I
was leaving, I was going to a place named,
Hospital Joan March
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