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Chapter 10. Writing Effective Sentences © 2010 by Bedford/St. Martin's 1

Who gives a f**k about an Oxford comma? I've seen those English dramas too They're cruel So if there's any other way To spell the word It's fine with me, with me

Why would you speak to me that way Especially when I always said that I Haven't got the words for you All your diction dripping with disdain Through the pain I always tell the truth

• Use lists.

• Emphasize new and important information.

• Choose an appropriate sentence length.

• Focus on the “real” subject.

• Focus on the “real” verb.

• Use parallel structures.


•It tends to be imprecise.

•It can be embarrassing.


The Ventura Aquifer program objectives are the following:

characterization of ground water quality

to provide data to support Best Management Practices (BMP)

relating data to agricultural land use practices


• Set off each listed item with a number, a letter, or a symbol (usually a bullet).

• Break up long lists.

• Present the items in a parallel structure.

• Structure and punctuate the lead-in correctly.

• Punctuate the list correctly.Chapter 10. Writing Effective Sentences © 2010 by

Bedford/St. Martin's 9

Use a level and tone appropriate for

• your audience

• your subject

• your purpose


1. Do you know your target readers well and personally? 1-10

2. Are they below you in "rank"? 1-10

3. Is the subject of your communication good news? 1-10


What factors influence the level of formality in this picture?


Shutdown is to be accomplished in the following manner. Switch S9 must be placed in the OFF position. Next, switch S2 must be placed in the UP position. Finally, press switch S12.

Use numbers. Use bullets. Use open (unshaded) boxes. Use lowercase letters.


I am not bound to win, I am bound to be true.


• Use the active voice and the passive voice appropriately.

• Be specific.

• Avoid unnecessary jargon.

• Use positive constructions.

• Avoid long noun strings.

• Avoid clichés.

• Avoid euphemisms.


I’m not happy!

I am sad.


It can be imprecise. It can be confusing. It is often seen as condescending. It is often intimidating.


The complementary crepuscularities of earth and sky shrank away from one another as the roseate effulgence of a new dawn burst forth, not unlike a reclining pneumatic beauty's black silk stocking splitting apart at the seam to reveal the glowing radiance of an angrily sun-burned leg.



"She wore a dress the same color as her eyes her father bought her from San Francisco," writes Danielle Steele in Star.

New motorcycle motor durability equipment tests are being performed by engineers.

This could mean:

Engineers are using new equipment to test the durability of motorcycle motors.

Engineers are performing new tests on the equipment that makes motorcycle motors durable.

Engineers are performing tests on the equipment that checks the durability of new motorcycle motors.


› Use the active voice unless› the agent is clear from the context› the agent is unknown› the agent is less important than the action› a reference to the agent is embarrassing,

dangerous, or in some other way inappropriate


The woods in the morning seemed both peaceful and lively. Birds could be heard in the pines and oaks, staking out their territory. Squirrels could be seen scampering across the leaves that covered the forest floor, while in the branches above, the new leaves of the birches and maples were outlined by the sun’s rays. The leaves, too, could be heard, rustling to the rhythm of the wind.


To make a discovery instead of to discover

To conduct an investigation instead of to investigate

To make an accusation instead of to accuse

Nominalization has a rhetorical effect.



A nominalization is a verb that has

been transformed into a noun, as when to install becomes to effect an installation, or to analyze becomes to conduct an analysis.

The measurement of the Earth’s fragile ozone layer was one of the important missions undertaken by the crew of the space shuttle Atlantis. The shuttle was launched in October of 1994. The mission lasted ten days. Humans are put at greater risk of skin cancer, cataracts, and other ailments because of overexposure to ultraviolet radiation. Crops can also be spoiled and underwater food sources devastated as a result of too much direct sunlight. A vast ozone hole over Antarctica from September to December every year is particularly worrisome to scientists.

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New and important information should come at the beginning of a sentence, where readers will be sure to notice it.

If you consistently write sentences with short Subject/Topics that name a few central CHARACTERS and then join them to strong verbs, you’ll likely get the rest of the sentence right and in the process create a passage that seems both cohesive and coherent.



A sociometric and actuarial analysis of Social Security revenues and disbursements for the last six decades to determine changes in projecting deficits is the subject of this study.

In this study, we analyze Social Security’s revenues and disbursements for the last six decades, using sociometric and actuarial criteria to determine changes in projecting deficits.

• Use precise words.

• Provide adequate detail.

• Avoid ambiguity.



Emily Brontë, Wuthering Heights

"I lingered round them, under that benign sky; watched the moths fluttering among the heath, and hare-bells; listened to the soft wind breathing through the grass; and wondered how any one could ever imagine unquiet slumbers for the sleepers in that quiet earth."


Communicate two kinds of difficulty:

Long and complex phrases and clauses

New information, particularly unfamiliar technical terms.

In the first few words, you announce your topic.

The last few words receive stress and emphasis.


Questions about the ethics of withdrawing intravenous feeding are more difficult.

More difficult are questions about the ethics of withdrawing intravenousfeeding.


The site marks the beginning of a first-year riparian forest buffer. Monitoring equipment was located essentially where this stream joined Cook Creek at the end of the forest riparian buffer. Monitoring data indicated improved water quality within the tributary. It is our opinion that this could be the result of the riparian forest buffer being created.

› avoid euphemisms› avoid pompous words› avoid wordy phrases › avoid filler › Answer: C and D. avoid wordy phrases, and avoid filler



Silver bullet Missing link Holy grail Paradigm shift Shedding light


Baking a hot icicle

Backing in the trailer

Watching a dolphin splash

Weasel nosing

Wrestling a brown corn-belly snake

Yodeling in the canyon

• Avoid obvious statements.

• Avoid filler.

• Avoid unnecessary prepositional phrases.

• Avoid wordy phrases.

• Avoid pompous words.


Revise: "She walked into my office on legs as long as one of those long-legged birds that you see in Florida - the pink ones, not the white ones - except that she was standing on both of them, not just one of them, like those birds, the pink ones, and she wasn't wearing pink, but I knew right away that she was trouble, which those birds usually aren't."


Not many rescuers are trained to handle hazardous

materials. Provide care only when safe to do so,

establish a safe zone, and call for help. When a

rescuer commences patient care, he should focus

on basic life support and finalize his plan to

decontaminate the patient.

sexist language

dangling modifier

negative construction

pompous words



• Replace the male-gender words with non-gender-specific words.

• Switch to a different form of the verb.

• Switch to the plural.

• Switch to he or she, he/she, s/he, or his or her.

• Address the reader directly.

• Alternate he and she.


Chapter 10 describes six techniques for avoiding sexist language. What are two of them?

The personal pronoun: If I say each authority has his opinion, I am excluding Barbara Wallraff and so on. Each authority has her opinion sounds patronizing

Each authority has their opinion, which applies a plural pronoun to a singular antecedent will have many people reaching for the dunce cap, but it is the best of the imperfect solutions and most likely, will eventually become standard.

• Refer to the person first, the disability second.

• Don’t confuse handicap with disability.

• Don’t refer to victimization.

• Don’t refer to a person as “wheelchair bound” or “confined to a wheelchair.”

• Don’t refer to people with disabilities as abnormal.



"Refer to the person first, the disability second" is one of the basic tenets of the people-first approach to referring to people with disabilities. What is another tenet?


“The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes “Awww!”

- Jack Kerouac