Hello, Dolly!ACT 1Scene 1(Horace's living room. Several sofas and chairs set around the room. A barber is giving Horace a shave while he and Ambrose argue about him marrying his niece, Ermengarde. Throughout the discussion Horace switches seats several times: the barber nervously follows him around while shaving his chin, looking careful about not cutting his throat. The scene starts mid-way through the discussion; it is ideal that the actors talk in a fluent way so that the audience will understand what's going on.) Ambrose: ...and I'm telling you that I will marry her!

Horace: Not without my permission, you won't! Ambrose: This is a free country, not a private kingdom. She's consented and I'll

marry her. Horace: I'm telling you that you won't.

Ambrose: I'm telling you I will. Horace: Never.

Ambrose: Tomorrow. Today. Horace: Ermengarde is not for you. You can't support her. You are an artist.

Ambrose: I make a good living.

Horace: A living, Mr Kemper, is made by selling something thateverybody needs at least once a year. And a million is made by producing something everybody needs every day. You artists, you painters, produce nothing that nobody needs, never!

Ambrose: You might as well know, any way we can findto get married is right and fair and we'll do it.

Horace: You are an impractical, seven-foot-tall nincompoop!

Ambrose: That's an insult!

Horace: All the facts about you are insults. Thank you for the honour of your visit.

Ambrose: Ermengarde is of age and there's no law...

Horace: Law? The law is there to prevent crime. Men of sense are there to prevent foolishness. It is I that will prevent you from marrying my niece. And I've already taken the necessary steps. Mrs Dolly Levi is on her way here even now.

Ambrose: Dolly Levi? Your marriage broker?

Horace: Never mind that. She'll pick up Ermengarde and take her to New York, and keep her there until this foolishness is over. Ambrose: We'll see about that.

Horace: Thank you again for the honour... (Ambrose leaves the room before Horace can finish the sentence.)

Barber: (Looking annoyed) You have to sit still, Mr Vandergelder! If I cut your throat it will be practically unintentional.

Horace: A major number of the people in this world are fools and the rest are in great danger of contamination. Enough of this. I'm a busy man with things to do. A scraped chin is the least of them.

Barber: I did the best I could, Mr Vandergelder.

Horace: Joe.

Barber: Yes?

Horace: I've got special reasons for looking my best today. Is there something a little extra you can do? A little special?

Barber: What?

Horace: You know, do some of those things you do to the young fellas. Smarten me up a little bit. You know... Face massage... A little perfume water...

Barber: All I know is my fee's worth, like usual, and that includes all that's decent to do.

Horace: Listen, I don't want you blabbing this, but I need something extra today because I'm going to New York to call on a very refined lady, name of

Miss Irene Molloy.

Barber: Your callin' on ladies is none of my business, Mr Vandergelder! (Leaves the room)

Horace: Hold your horses, Joe! (Ermengarde enters the scene, weeping.)

Ermengarde: Uncle Horace! Uncle Horace!

Horace: Yes, what is it?

Ermengarde: What have you done to Ambrose?

Horace: I had a quiet talk with him. Ermengarde: You did?

Horace: Yes, I explained to him that he's a fool.

Ermengarde: Oh, Uncle!

Horace: Weeping, weeping - a waste of water. I've done you a good turn. You'll thank me when you're older.

Ermengarde: But, Uncle, I love him.

Horace: Save your tears for New York, where they won't be noticed.

Ermengarde: But I love him!

Horace: You don't.

Ermengarde: But I do!

Horace: Leave those things to me.

Ermengarde: If I don't marry Ambrose, I know I'll die!

Horace: Of what?

Ermengarde: A broken heart.Horace: Never heard of it. Are you ready for Mrs Levi when she comes?

Ermengarde: Yes.

Horace: Well, get ready some more and stay in your room until she arrives.

(Ermengarde runs off to her room, while Horace goes down the staircase.)

END OF SCENE 1 Scene 2(Cornelius and Barnaby work at Horace's shop, which is just below his living room. Cornelius is behind a counter while Barnaby is moving around some groceries.)

Horace: (Calling from off-stage, enters the scene as soon as he finishes this line) Cornelius! Barnaby! Barnaby! Cornelius! Barnaby!

Cornelius: You called, Mr Vandergelder?

Horace: Yes, I stamped! Are my niece's bags at the railroad station?

Cornelius: Yes, Mr Vandergelder.

Horace: And you, did you label them properly?

Barnaby: Yes, Mr Vandergelder!

Horace: Good. I'm going to New York on important business, then I'll be marching in the parade.

Cornelius: Yes, Mr Vandergelder.

Horace: I'm planning to stay at the Central Hotel. Cornelius:(Looking worried) But we've never been here alone, Mr Vandergelder!

Horace: Now, in honour of the occasion, I'll promote you both. Cornelius, how old are you?

Cornelius: 28, Mr Vandergelder. Horace: Is that all? That's a foolish age to be at. I thought you were 40.

Cornelius: No, I'm 28.

Horace: Well, a man's not worth a cent till he's 40. We pay him wages until then to make mistakes. Anyway, I'm promoting you to chief clerk.

Cornelius: Chief clerk? Well, what am I now?

Horace: You're an impertinent fool. If you behave, I'll promote you from fool to chief clerk, with a raise in your wages.

Cornelius: Thank you, Mr Vandergelder.

Horace: You, Barnaby, I'm promoting you from idiot apprentice to incompetent clerk.

Barnaby: Thank you, Mr Vandergelder.Cornelius: Mr Vandergelder? Mr Vandergelder?

Horace: (Annoyed) What is it?

Cornelius: Does the chief clerk get one evening off a week?

Horace: So that's how you thank me, eh? No, sir. You'll attend to the store as usual. You keep on asking for evenings free and you'll find you have all your days free. Cornelius: (Disappointed) Yes, Mr Vandergelder.

Horace: And when I come back I wanna hear that you ran the place perfectly. If I hear of any foolishness, I'll fire you both!

Barnaby: Yes, Mr Vandergelder.

Horace: (Looking to his sides as if checking if someone might listen) You might as well know it now. When I return there will be some changes around here. You're going to have a mistress.

Barnaby: But I'm too young, Mr Vandergelder!

Horace: (Looks at Barnaby with an exasperated look) Not yours, idiot. Mine. I mean, I'm planning to get married.

Barnaby: Married?

Horace: Yes, married. Any objections?

Barnaby: No, but...

Cornelius: No, many congratulations, Mr Vandergelder. And to the lady as well.

Horace: That's none of your business. Any questions?

(The following lines between Horace and Barnaby should be spoken quickly, as if Horace was constantly interrupting him.)

Barnaby: No, but...

Horace: But what?

Barnaby: But I mean... Horace: Speak up.

Barnaby: Why? Horace: Why what, damn it! Speak up!

Barnaby: Why are you getting married?

(Horace returns to a steady pace of conversation after a short pause.) Horace: Let me tell you something, son. I've worked hard and I've become rich... and friendless and mean. And in America it's about as far as you can go. It's time to be doing something a little bit foolish. Besides, I need a steady housekeeper.

(Dolly enters the scene.)

Dolly: Well, well, well, well, well. Good morning, Mr Vandergelder. Mr Hackl. Mr Tucker. Gentlemen.

Cornelius and Barnaby: Good morning, ma'am.

Horace: Uh, morning, Mrs Levi.

Dolly: How handsome you look today. Ooh, you absolutely take my breath away.

Horace: Ermengarde is crying her eyes out. You can take her to New York, but blow her nose first.

Dolly: If only Irene Molloy could see you now.

Horace: (To Barnaby and Cornelius) You two get back to the store. Go on! And don't forget to put the lid on the sheep dip. (Cornelius and Barnaby rush out of the scene)

Dolly: I don't know what's come over you lately, but you seem to be growing younger every day.

Horace: Well, if a man eats careful, there's no reason why he should look old.

Dolly: You never said a truer word.

Horace: Even if I never look 40... Uh, 35 again.

Dolly: 35! I can see that you're the sort that will be stamping about at eating five meals a day, like my Uncle Harry, may he rest in peace. Let me see your hand, Mr Vandergelder.

Horace: Why?

Dolly: Oh, show me your hand. (Gets hold of his hand and looks at it)

Horace: Why?

Dolly: I'm a judge of hands. I read hands.

Horace: And I use them to get things done.

Dolly: Oh! Lord in heaven! Goodness gracious!

Horace: What?

Dolly: Oh, I just can't believe it. It's such a long lifeline.

Horace: Where?

Dolly: From here... I don't know where it goes. It runs right off your hand. They'll have to hit you with a mallet. They'll have to stifle you with a sofa pillow. You'll bury us all.

Horace: I will?

Dolly: Say, you're all spiffed up today, aren't you?

Horace: Yes. Dolly: Well, if I had to guess, I'd say you was goin' somewhere.

Horace: Remarkable, Mrs Levi. How do you do it?

Dolly: Two and two is four, Mr Vandergelder.

Horace: With a head like yours you'll be a rich woman someday.

Dolly: That's exactly what I had in mind.

Horace: Then I suggest you go about your business and pick up Ermengarde, for which I am paying you good money.

Dolly: Speaking of business, Mr Vandergelder, I suppose you've given up all idea of getting married?

Horace: Is that what you suppose? Then suppose you listen to this, Mrs Levi. I've decided... I've practically decided to ask Irene Molloy to be my wife.

Dolly: You have?

Horace: Yes, I have. I'm going to New York and discuss it with her this very afternoon.

Dolly: (Looks disappointed at first, but then recomposes and looks as usual) Well, that is just about the best news I have ever heard, Mr Vandergelder. Oh, yes, indeed. Marvelous news. Oh, dear me. Isn't it wonderful? I mean, I'm racking my brain, trying to think of something that's made me happier, but I just can't come up with a thing,because this is just too wonderful.

Horace: Well, it's all your fault, you know. You put me into this marryin' frame of mind with all your introductions and scheming.

Dolly: A widow has to earn a living.

Horace: One day I wake up, and the house seems like an empty shell.

Dolly: Certainly is.

Horace: And messy, too.

Dolly: Certainly is.

Horace: A man needs someone to take out the garbage.

Dolly: And Irene Molloy's just the one to do it. Oh, darling girl. Well, I think it's perfectly wonderful what's going to happen in your household. I never did like the idea of all that money of yours lying around in piles in the bank, so useless and motionless. As my late husband, Ephraim Levi, used to say: "Money should circulate like rainwater. It should flow down among the people, through little dressmakers and restaurants, setting up a business here, furnishing a good time there." I just know that you and the future Mrs Vandergelder will see that all your hard-earned wealth starts flowing in and around many people's lives, just flowing...

Horace: All right.

Dolly: Pouring out...

Horace: Stop saying that!

Dolly: So there's nothing more for me to do but wish you happiness and say goodbye.

Horace: Yes, well, goodbye.

Dolly: And when I get to New York, I'll tell the girl I had lined up for you, the heiress, not to wait.

Horace: What did you say?Dolly: Oh, nothing, nothing. A word. "Heiress."

Horace: Well, just a minute. That's kind of unusual, isn't it, Mrs Levi?

Dolly: Well, I haven't been wearing myself to the bone hunting up usual girls to interest you. But now all that's too late. You're engaged to marry Irene Molloy.

Horace: I am not engaged.

Dolly: I cannot keep upsetting the finest women around unless you mean business.

Horace: Who said I don't mean business?

Dolly: You're playing a very dangerous game.

Horace: Dangerous?

Dolly: Of course it's dangerous. It's called: "tampering with a woman's affections". The only way to save yourself from that charge is to get married to someone soon, very soon.

Horace: Don't worry.

Dolly: I won't. I'll meet you in front of Irene Molloy's hat shop at 2.30.

Horace: Never mind. You've done your work.

Dolly: I wouldn't miss it for the world. I want to be there to make sure nothing goes wrong.

Horace: Just tend to Ermengarde or else I'll ask you to return the fee I gave you for that.

Dolly: Speaking of money...

Horace: Oh, no. How much?

Dolly: Well, I left my money in the handbag I took to the cleaner's just before it burned down… 50! Oh, bless you, and don't you worry your handsome head about a thing. Just keep all your thoughts on that lovely Irene Molloy.

(Horace leaves the scene.)

End of Scene 2

Scene 3(Side of Horace’s house. Ermengarde is inside, behind a window, while Ambrose is on top of a staircase talking to her.)

Ermengarde: Ambrose? What are you doing? What about my uncle?

Ambrose: He just left. Now quick! We're running away.

Ermengarde: Running away?

Ambrose: Hurry, before the train gets here!

Ermengarde: Train?

Ambrose: To New York, to get married. We're going to do it in secret.

Ermengarde: Get married in secret? How can you think such a thing?Ambrose: Oh, Ermengarde. (They kiss. Dolly enters the scene)

Dolly: My, what a romantic scene.

Ermengarde: Oh, Mrs Levi, please explain to Ambrose. I wanna marry him, but not in secret.

Ambrose: This doesn't concern Mrs Levi.

Dolly: Mr. Kemper, everything concerns Dolly Levi.

Ambrose: Don't listen to her. I know why you're here.

Dolly: To help. Love needs all the help it can get. (Dolly starts climbing up the stairs behind Ambrose.)Wait a minute. Listen to me.

Ambrose: There's no time.

Dolly: Can we climb in? I feel an updraft in my underpants.

Ermengarde: Oh, Mrs Levi!

Ambrose: This is no way to run away… (They both get in Ermengarde’s room.)

Dolly: If you follow my suggestions, not only he will let you get married but he'll also dance at your wedding. And not alone, either. Mr Kemper, can you dance?

Ambrose: Dance? I'm an artist, Mrs Levi. I paint.

Dolly: No problem. (Hands Ambrose a card from her purse.)

Ambrose: (Reading aloud) "Mrs Levi. Painters taught how to dance."

Dolly: Here's what we'll do. I'm going to take you to New York.

Ambrose: See? I told you.

Dolly: You will stay close by. Tonight you will take her to dinner at the Harmonia Gardens. There's this man, Rudolph Reisenweber. He knows me well. We'll enter you in the polka contest. The prize is a gold cup and some money, and you'll win it. Oh, the cups we won, my husband and I.

Ambrose: Now, wait a minute…

Ermengarde: I'm surprised you have acquaintances in a place like that.

Dolly: Not acquaintances, Ermengarde. Friends. Dear friends from days gone by. My late husband, Ephraim Levi, believed in life, any place you could find it, wherever there were people, all kinds of people. And every Friday night, even when times were bad, every Friday night, like clockwork, down those stairs of the Harmonia Gardens we came, Ephraim and I. Not acquaintances, Ermengarde. Friends.

Ambrose: It's all very well for you, but you're suggesting that we...

Dolly: Mr Kemper, do you or do you not wish to show Horace that you mean business?

Ambrose: Yes!

Dolly: All right, then. Go to the Harmonia Gardens and say that Mrs Levi sent you. And, oh... yes, well, tell Rudolph... tell Rudolph that Dolly's coming back. And that I want a table for two and a chicken for eight o'clock. Mr Vandergelder will learn of your triumph and everything will work out beautifully.

Ambrose: But how, Mrs Levi? How?

Dolly: How? (Laughs) You’ll see… (She leaves the room.)

END OF SCENE 2

Scene 3(Horace’s shop. Cornelius and Barnaby are working. Cornelius looks down.) Cornelius: 28 years old and I still don't get an evening free. When am I gonna

begin to live? (Looks up and thinks, makes an expression as if he just had a great idea) Barnaby? How much money have you got?

Barnaby: Huh?

Cornelius: I mean, that you can get your hands on?

Barnaby: About three dollars. Why?

Cornelius: Barnaby, you and I are going to New York.

Barnaby: Cornelius, we can't. We’d have to close the store! Cornelius: We'll have to, ‘cause some rotten cans of chicken mash are going to

explode.

Barnaby: Holy cabooses! How do you know?

Cornelius: Because I'll light some candles under them! They'll make such a stink that customers won't be able to come in for 24 hours. That'll get us an evening free. We are going to New York and we are gonna live! We're gonna have a good meal, be in danger, get almost arrested. And we're gonna spend all our money.

Barnaby: Holy cabooses!

Cornelius: And one more thing. We are not coming back to Yonkers until we've each kissed a girl.

Barnaby: Cornelius, you can't do that. You don't know any girls. Cornelius: I'm 28. I gotta begin sometime.

Barnaby: I'm only 19. With me it's not so urgent. (Dolly enters the scene.)

Dolly: May I make a suggestion, gentlemen?

Cornelius: Mrs Levi.

Dolly: I just couldn't help hearing.

Barnaby: (Whispers to Cornelius) We'll be fired.

Cornelius: (To Dolly) We were only talking.

Dolly: Mr Hackl, Mr Tucker, there is nothing that makes me happier than the thought of two fine young men enjoying the company of two lovely ladies.

Cornelius: What ladies? Where?

Dolly: In New York, Mr Hackl, to which, unless my ears play me tricks, you are bound. Now, there's this millinery shop run by a charming woman.(Hands Cornelius a card from her purse)

Cornelius: (Reading aloud) "Irene Molloy"?

Dolly: And her attractive assistant, Minnie Fay. And now that you've noted the address, I have only this to say. Two o'clock in the afternoon there is the ideal time for friendly conversation. Definitely no later than 2.30. And if you ever say that this was my suggestion, well, I should denounce you both for the terrible liars that you are. (Dolly leaves.)

Cornelius: A millinery shop.

Barnaby: Women who work!

Cornelius: Adventure, Barnaby.

Barnaby: I'm scared.

Cornelius: Living, Barnaby.

Barnaby: I'm scared.

Cornelius: Will you come, Barnaby?

Barnaby: Yes, Cornelius! Yes!

Cornelius: The lights of Broadway! Elevated trains! The stuffed whale at Barnum's museum!

Barnaby: Stuffed whale! Wow! Women who work! Wow! All clear here, Cornelius!

Cornelius: Let's get dressed, Barnaby! We're going to New York!

End of Scene 3

END OF ACT 1 ACT 2Scene 4(Irene and Minnie are walking down the streets of New York. Minnie is eating a banana while she walks.) Irene: Do get done with that, Minnie. The men are eyeing us for the wrong

reason.

Minnie: A banana a day keeps the doctor away.

Irene: An apple a day.

Minnie: Do doctors slip on apple peels? (A newspaper seller approaches them.)

Newspaper seller: How are you, Miss Molloy?

Irene: If I felt any better I'd be indecent. (They walk past.)

Minnie: You are in a mood today.

Irene: I certainly am.

Minnie: Not that it's any of my business... Oh, but is it because...? I mean...

Irene: I don't mind that you never finish lunch, but I mind that you never finish sentences.

Minnie: Well, what I meant was, are you really going to?

Irene: Silly girl, say it. Am I going to marry Horace Vandergelder? Yes, I'm seriously considering it, if he asks me.

Minnie: Oh, I'd rather die on the rack than ask you such a personal question, but why would you?

Irene: Because he's rich, that's why. He can rescue me from the millinery

business. I hate hats.

Minnie: Hate hats? (They walk by a Police Officer.)

Irene: A good afternoon to you, Officer Gogarty.

Police Officer: And the rest of the day to you, Miss Molloy.

Irene: Ah, Minnie, why is it that all the attractive men in New York are married?

Police Officer: Blarney, Miss Molloy! Blarney! Come on now, get going, all of you. (They walk past.)

Minnie: Oh, the way you talk!

Irene: It's natural to talk about men.

Minnie: I mean, what you said about hating hats.

Irene: Particularly the women who buy them.

Minnie: You don't mean that, Irene Molloy!

Irene: Oh, yes, I do, Minnie Fay. All lady milliners are suspected of being wicked women. Half the time those dowagers who come in, come in merely to stare and wonder.

Minnie: Oh, how dare they!

Irene: And if they were sure, they'd not set foot in the shop again.

Minnie: Well, good riddance. Who needs them?

(They arrive at Irene’s shop: they sell various hats and dresses. There’s a table in the center and a wardrobe on the side.)

Irene: We do, unfortunately. So, do I go out to restaurants? No, it would be bad for business. Do I go to balls or theatres or operas? No, it would be bad for business. The only men I ever meet are the feather merchants who come to sell me things. Minnie, I'm tired of being suspected of being a wicked woman with nothing to show for it.

Minnie: (Giggles) Miss Molloy!

Irene: Why does everybody have adventures but me?

Minnie: Adventures?

Irene: Because I have no spirit, no gumption. Either I marry Horace Vandergelder or I'm gonna burn this shop down, break out like a fire engine and find myself some excitement.

Minnie: The things you're saying today. They're just awful.

Irene: Oh, aren't they, though? And I'm enjoying every word of it. (Looks at a hat on the counter) What's this? A return from Miss Mortimer again?

Minnie: Same old story. She wants cherries and feathers. To catch a beau, I suppose.

Irene: If you ask me, she'd do better with a heavy veil.

Minnie: I told her ribbons down the back is the thing to catch a gentleman's eye. But she'd have none of it.

Irene: Minnie, make another hat for Miss Mortimer. I'm wearing this one myself.

Minnie: Oh, but you can't.

Irene: Why not?

Minnie: Oh, because it's... it's provocative. That's why not.

Irene: Well, who knows? "Provocative" is just what I might wanna be today. (Puts the hat on and walks around making poses.)

Minnie: Miss Molloy, you don't love Horace Vandergelder, do you?

Irene: Of course I don't love him.

Minnie: Then how can you... I mean...?

Irene: (Looks out of the shop window.) Minnie, look. There are two men staring at the shop.

Minnie: Men?

Irene: Uh-huh. Aren't they delicious?

Minnie: You don't think...?

Irene: Yes, I do believe they mean to come in here.

Minnie: Men in the shop? What'll we do?

Irene: Why, flirt with them, of course. I'll give you the short one.

Minnie: You're terrible.

Irene: We'll heat them up and drop them cold. Good practice for married life. Let's pretty ourselves up a bit.

Minnie: If you say "vamp", I'll scream.

Irene: Vamp! (Minnie screams. They go to the workshop, out of scene. Irene enters the scene again.) I must say, I like the tall one. (Irene leaves.)

End of Scene 4

Scene 5(Cornelius and Barnaby are standing outside Irene’s shop. Cornelius looks excited, Barnaby looks nervous.)

Cornelius: Adventure, Barnaby.

Barnaby: We can still catch the train back to Yonkers.

Cornelius: I feel dizzy.

Barnaby: Or go see the stuffed whale at the museum.

Cornelius: Women, Barnaby. Real… women! (They enter the shop.)

Barnaby: There's no one here. We can leave.

Cornelius: I'd never forgive myself.

Barnaby: Are you sure this is an adventure, Cornelius?

Cornelius: You don't have to ask. When you're in one, you'll know it all right. How much money is left?

Barnaby: 40 cents for the train, 30 cents for dinner and 20 cents to see the whale.

Cornelius: Well, when they come out, we'll pretend we're rich. That way we won't have to spend a thing.

Barnaby: Why not say that Mrs Levi sent us?

Cornelius: No, we're not supposed to ever say that. Shh! We're two men about town looking for hats for ladies.

Barnaby: What ladies?

Cornelius: (Ignores him and starts practicing lines aloud. While they speak Irene enters the scene quietly.) "Good afternoon, ma'am. Wonderful weather we're having."

Barnaby: "How do you do, ma'am? And how are your hats?"

Cornelius: "Charmed to make your acquaintance. Lovely place you have here."

Irene: Good afternoon, gentlemen. (Cornelius and Barnaby turn around and freeze in shock at the sight of Irene. They start talking nervously.)

Cornelius: Cornelius Hackl here.

Barnaby: Barnaby Tucker here.

Irene: Irene Molloy here. I'm very happy to meet you. Is there anything I can do for you?

Cornelius: (Flustered, he makes a quick pause and then starts talking.) See, we're two ladies about town lookin' for hats to Molloy...

Barnaby: We're hats, you see, and wondered if we could buy a lady or two to Molloy with for…

Cornelius: We want a hat. Well, for a lady, of course. And everyone said to go to Miss Molloy's cos she's so pretty. (Pauses, then realizes what he said) I mean... her hats are so pretty.

Irene: And what sort of hat would Mrs Hackl be liking?

Cornelius: Oh, no, Miss Molloy, there is no Mrs Hackl.

Barnaby: Yes, there is. Your mother.

Cornelius: (He gives Barnaby a glare) She didn't mean that. Did you, Miss Molloy?

Irene: Now, this lady friend of yours, couldn't she come in with you someday and choose the hat herself?

Cornelius: Impossible. There is no lady friend. Irene: But I thought you said that you were coming here to choose...

Cornelius: (Cuts Irene off) I mean, she's Barnaby's.

Barnaby: Huh? What? (Cornelius gives him a glare again, and he gets on track) Yes, but she lives in Yonkers and she said to pick out something reasonable. Under a dollar.

Cornelius: Don't be silly, Barnaby. Money's no object with us. None at all. (Minnie enters the scene. She coughs to get Irene’s attention.)

Irene: Oh, this is my assistant, Miss Minnie Fay. Mr Hackl. Mr Tucker.

Cornelius: Good afternoon, ma'am.

Barnaby: Afternoon... ma'am. (Minnie giggles and leaves the scene.)

Irene: Excuse me, Mr Tucker, did you say Yonkers?

Barnaby: Yes, ma'am, we're from Yonkers.

Irene: Well, are you?

Cornelius: Yes. And, forgive me for saying this, but you should see Yonkers, Miss Molloy. Well, perhaps you and your gentleman friend here in New York might like to see it. Some say it's the most beautiful town in the world. That's what they say.

Irene: So I've heard. But I'm afraid I don't have a gentleman friend here in New York.

Cornelius: You don't? (To Barnaby, excited) Barnaby, she doesn't have a gentleman friend. (To Irene, more serious) Hey, that's too bad. You know, if you should happen to have a Sunday free... You're Catholic, aren't you? Don't let that worry you. I'd be willing to change. If you're free in the near future, I'd… (Looks at Barnaby) well, we'd like to show you Yonkers from top to bottom.

Barnaby: It's very historic.

Irene: As a matter of fact, I might be there sooner than you think.

Cornelius: This Sunday?

Irene: I have a friend who lives in Yonkers.

Cornelius: You do?

Irene: Perhaps you know him.

Cornelius: I do?Irene: It's always so foolish to ask in cases like that, isn't it? Why should

you know him? It's a Mr Vandergelder.

Cornelius: Mr Vandergelder? Oh! (Thinks about it and looks worried. Barnaby does too.) Horace Vandergelder?

Barnaby: Of Vandergelder's Hay and Feed?Irene: Yes. Do you know him?

Cornelius and Barnaby: Oh, no! No!

Irene: As a matter of fact, he's coming here to see me this very afternoon.

Barnaby: Coming here? (Runs off to see out of the window.)

Cornelius: This afternoon?

Barnaby: Cornelius! Cornelius, look!

Cornelius: (Looks out the window. Horace and Dolly are standing outside.) Oh no, he’s here!

Barnaby: Look out! (He runs and hides under the table.)

Cornelius: Begging your pardon. (Walks towards the wardrobe.)

Irene: What are you doing?

Cornelius: We'll explain later. Help us just this once. (Hides inside the wardrobe.)

Irene: Come out of there this minute.

Barnaby: (Pops out from under the table.) We're as innocent as can be, Miss Molloy. (Hides again.)

Irene: Mr Hackl, Mr Tucker, I insist that you both come out or I'll be forced to… (Horace and Dolly enter the shop. Horace is carrying a present under his arm.) Mr Vandergelder, how nice to see you. And Dolly Levi, what a surprise.

Dolly: Irene, my darling, how well you look. You must be in love.

Horace: Afternoon, Miss Molloy.

Irene: What a pleasure to have you in New York, Mr Vandergelder.

Dolly: Yes, Yonkers lies up there decimated today. We thought we'd pay you a little visit, Irene. Unless it's inconvenient?

Irene: Inconvenient? Whatever gave you that idea?

Dolly: Mr Vandergelder thought he saw two customers in the shop. Two, uh... men?

Irene: Men? In a ladies' hat shop? (Laughs) Come, let's go into my workroom. I'm

so eager for you to see it.

Horace: I've already seen it twice.

Irene: But I need your advice.

Dolly: Advice from Mr Vandergelder. The whole city should hear this and grow rich.

Horace: Advice is cheap. It's what comes gift-wrapped that counts. (He hands the present to Irene.)

Dolly: I have never heard it put more beautifully.

Irene: Thank you, Mr Vandergelder.

Horace: Chocolate-covered peanuts. Unshelled. They're the expensive kind.

Irene: Why don't we open them in the workroom?

Horace: Miss Molloy, I've come here today because I've important business to discuss with you, (Looks at Dolly) just as soon as Mrs Levi says goodbye.

Dolly: Oh, pay no attention to me. I'm just browsing. (Looks at the wares in the shop.)

Irene: (They both sit down) Business, Mr Vandergelder? The hay and feed business?

Horace: Well, not exactly.

Irene: A new hat shop in Yonkers? I hear it's a very beautiful city and quite historic, according… (Barnaby pops out from under the table and signals Irene not to tell Horace about them. Irene goes silent.)

Horace: Yes, go on. Who's been telling you about Yonkers, may I ask?

Irene: Uh… Nobody. A friend Horace: What friend?

Irene: Well, you see, he…

Horace: He?

Irene: Yes, uh… he…

Horace: His name, Miss Molloy?

Irene: What?

Horace: His name?

Irene: Oh, I believe it was… is… Mr Cornelius Hackl of Yonkers.

Horace: (Surprised, stands up) Cornelius Hackl?

Irene: Yes. Do you know him?

Horace: He's my head clerk!

Irene: He is?

Horace: He's been with me for ten years! Where would you have known him?

Dolly: (Walks back to them) Ah, just one of those chance meetings, I suppose.

Irene: Yes, one of those chance meetings.

Horace: Chance meetings? Cornelius Hackl has no right to chance meetings. Where was it?

Irene: (Looks offended, sits down) Really, it's very unlike you to question me in such a way!

Dolly: Well, the truth might as well come out now as later. Your head clerk is better known than you think.

Horace: Nonsense.

Dolly: He's here all the time. He goes everywhere. He's well-liked. Everybody knows Cornelius Hackl.

Horace: He never comes here. He works all day and then goes to sleep in the bran room at nine.

Dolly: So you think, but it's not true.

Horace: Dolly Levi, you are mistaken.

Dolly: Horace Vandergelder, you keep your nose so deep in your accounts you don't know what goes on. Yes, by day, Cornelius Hackl is your faithful, trusted clerk, but by night… oh, by night… He leads a double life, that is all. (She walks towards the wardrobe.) Why, he is… why, he's… why, he's here… at the opera. At the great restaurants, in all the fashionable homes. He's even at the Harmonia Gardens three times a week. The fact is, Mr Vandergelder, he is the wittiest, the naughtiest, most delightful man in New York City. He's the famous Cornelius Hackl.

Horace: It ain't the same man. If I thought Cornelius Hackl came to New York, I'd discharge him!

Dolly: Who took the horses out of Jenny Lind's carriage and pulled her through the streets? Who dressed up as a waiter and took an oyster and dropped it right down…? (Laughs) It's too wicked. I can't say it.

Horace: Say it!

Dolly: No, but it was Cornelius Hackl.

Horace: Where'd he get the money?

Dolly: Oh, he's very rich.

Horace: Rich? I keep his money in my old safe! He has $145.36!

Dolly: Oh, you are killing me. He is one of the Hackls.

Horace: The Hackls?

Dolly: Yes, they built the Raritan Canal.

Horace: Then why work for me?

Dolly: Well, I'll tell ya…

Horace: (Cuts her off mid-sentence) I don't wanna hear it. I have a headache. It ain't the same man. He sleeps in my bran room. I just made him my chief clerk.

Dolly: If you had sense, you'd make him a partner. (To Irene) Irene, I can see you're quite taken with him.

Irene: But I only met him once.

Dolly: Now, don't you be thinking of marrying him.Irene: (Flustered) Darling, what are you saying?

Dolly: He breaks hearts like hickory nuts.

Horace: Who?

Dolly: Cornelius Hackl.

Horace: (To Irene, serious) Miss Molloy, how long has he been calling on you?

Irene: (Stands up) Mr Vandergelder, suppose I were to tell you that he has not been calling on me? (Minnie enters the scene)

Minnie: Excuse me.

Irene: Not now, Minnie. (Minnie walks towards the wardrobe, opens it, takes a decoration from inside it, and closes it. As she walks away from it, she stops and screams. Irene runs to her and starts pushing her off-stage.) Stop singing, darling!

Minnie: There's a man in there!

Irene: That's not amusing, Minnie!

Minnie: But there’s a man in there!

Irene: And we don't wish to be interrupted. Go back to the workroom immediately. Immediately. (She finishes pushing Minnie off-stage. She turns to Horace and Dolly.) The poor dear is tired from overwork.

Horace: If there's a man in there, we'll get him out! (He walks towards the wardrobe.) Whoever you are, come out of there! (Dolly quickly stands in his way.)

Dolly: Do you realize what you're saying?

Horace: I certainly do!

Dolly: Now just a minute. Before you make another move or say another word that you might regret, allow me.

Irene: (With a begging look on her face) Dolly.

Dolly: Stand back. (She picks up a feather from the table and opens the wardrobe door slightly. She sticks the feather inside it, moves it around, then removes it and closes the door.) There, you see? So much for this nonsense about that darling girl hiding a man in there. I think we'll just forget you ever said it.

Horace: Now wait a minute…

Dolly: It's forgotten. (Cornelius sneezes loudly.) Because there's nobody in there. (Cornelius sneezes loudly again.) God bless you.

Horace: (Looks at Irene) Miss Molloy?

Irene: (Makes a pause, then answers) Yes, Mr Vandergelder, there is a man in there.

Horace: I see.

Irene: There also happens to be an explanation. (Dolly takes a handkerchief from her purse and hands it to Cornelius, inside the wardrobe.) For the present, I think I should just thank you for your visit and say good afternoon. (Barnaby sneezes loudly twice and hits the table from below, raising it.)

Horace: Another?

Irene: Another.

Dolly: Good Lord, the whole room is crawling with men. Irene, darling, congratulations.

Horace: Miss Molloy, I shan't trouble you again. And I hope vice versa. (Horace starts walking towards the store exit.)

Dolly: Horace, where are you going?

Horace: (Turns around) To march in the 14th Street parade with the kind of people I can trust. Seven hundred men. (Exits the shop. Cornelius and Barnaby quickly come out of their hiding spots, but Dolly stops them and they go back into hiding. Horace comes back into the shop, picks up the present, and leaves.)

Dolly: Now. (Cornelius and Barnaby come out of their hiding spots. Minnie comes running into the scene. Dolly walks towards Barnaby.) Mr Tucker, have you met Miss Minnie Fay? (Minnie and Barnaby shake hands. As they do, Irene talks to Cornelius.)

Irene: Now, I want you to both leave my shop at once or I'll call Officer Gogarty!

Dolly: Oh Irene, there's no fun in the jailhouse!

Cornelius: (Scared) Jail?

Irene: (To Cornelius) Just because you're rich…

Cornelius: Rich?

Dolly: (To Cornelius) Don't deny it.

Irene: …doesn't mean you shouldn't make up for this!

Cornelius: We'll do anything.

Dolly: Irene, this is Cornelius Hackl.

Irene: We've already met. How do you do?

Cornelius: (Shakes hands with her) How do you do?

Dolly: Jail is absolutely out.

Barnaby: Cornelius, explain to her!

Cornelius: (To Minnie) I'm Cornelius Hackl.

Minnie: Minnie Fay! (They shake hands.) Irene: It seems to me…

Dolly: Yes, the only way to make up for it… Irene, darling, send for the law at once. You can have them put away for years on a charge like this. Help, police, help! Only, have dinner with them first.

Irene: Dinner? Dolly: That's to show that you tried to settle amicably. That's how to do it.

Dinner first, life imprisonment later. It'll be a lovely evening. Who knows what'll happen before you send them off to jail? (To Cornelius) Mr Hackl?

Cornelius: Oh, by all means! It's what we had in mind all along!

Irene: Minnie, we've been respectable for years. Now that we're in disgrace, we might as well make the most of it! (To Cornelius) We’d be delighted to accept.

Dolly: It is the only sensible thing to do.

Barnaby: Cornelius… (He shows him his wallet, to let him know they don’t have any money left.)

Cornelius: (To Irene and Minnie, after a pause) Now, I know this doughnut shop in the station…

Irene: Doughnut shop? (Laughs) Certainly not. We want a fine dinner in a fashionable place.

Dolly: And I know just the place. The Harmonia Gardens on 14th Street. Your favourite restaurant.

Cornelius: Wait a minute…!

Dolly: The finest food that money can buy and a lovely orchestra! A polka contest tonight.

Minnie: Ooh, dancing! (Giggles)

Dolly: Rudolph will give you the best table.

Cornelius: We could never go there.

Irene: It sounds marvelous. (To Minnie) Come, Minnie. We'll close the shop and take the whole afternoon off! (They hurry out of the scene.)

Cornelius: Oh, I mean, we could never… Don't misunderstand me, it isn't the money or anything… (Turns to Barnaby, whispers to him) What do we do now?

Barnaby: How would I know?

Cornelius: (Thinks for a while, then has an idea) I know! We can take them to see the parade! We can burn some time there and not waste any money in the meantime. (Irene and Minnie come back on stage)

Barnaby: Yeah, but what about later?

Cornelius: (Ignoring him) Miss Molloy, what do you say about going to see the parade during the afternoon and going out for dinner at night?

Irene: Well, that sounds wonderful! Shall we? (They all leave the shop except for Dolly. She takes a small locket from her purse, opens it, and looks at the picture inside it.)

Dolly: (Monologues) Ephraim, let me go. It's been long enough, Ephraim. Every

night, just like you'd want me to, I've put out the cat, made myself a rum toddy, and, before I went to bed, said a little prayer thanking God that I was independent. That no one else's life was mixed up with mine. But lately, Ephraim, I've begun to realise that… for a long time… I have not shed one tear. Nor have I been for one moment… outrageously happy. Now, Horace Vandergelder, he's always saying the world is full of fools. And in a way, he's right, isn't he? I mean, himself, Cornelius, Irene, myself… But there comes a time when you've got to decide if you want to be a fool among fools, or a fool alone. Well, I have made that decision, Ephraim, but I would feel so much better about it if... if you could just give me a sign, any kind of a sign that you approve. I'm going back, Ephraim. I've decided to join the human race again. And, Ephraim, I want you to give me away. (She puts the locket back into her purse and goes outside as well.)

End of Scene 5

Scene 6(The Main Street parade. Horace is marching among a group of men from the army. Dolly enters the scene and starts walking next to Horace.) Horace: (Annoyed) I came here for some privacy.

Dolly: I owe you an apology and I didn't want to let it go another minute.

Horace: You owe me the fee I gave you for getting me tangled up with that collector of men's hats.

Dolly: Yes, Irene, she was a disappointment, darling girl.

Horace: I'll have you know the confectioner gave me back every cent for the

peanuts.

Dolly: Well I'm sorry. I never give cash refunds. However, being a woman who believes in giving service that's been paid for, I've arranged to make it up to you.

Horace: Let me make one thing clear. You have been discharged as my marriage broker. I have no use for one. From now on, you are just a woman like anyone else.

Dolly: I am?

Horace: And I'm just a man like anyone else, and, like anyone else, I'll do what I can to avoid the introductions you specialise in.

Dolly: Well, I can understand your feelings, and I am here today, marching beside you, to assure you that there will be no further need for my services after dinner tonight.

Horace: Dinner?

Dolly: 7.30 at the Harmonia Gardens. It's all arranged. Private room. She'll be waiting.

Horace: Who? Who-who-who'll be waiting?

Dolly: (Teasing him) Who-who-who'll be waiting? The very rich, very beautiful lady I referred to when I saw you in Yonkers this morning. The… Uh… heiress to a fortune, remember?

Horace: I'm not interested. What's her name?Dolly: Uh… Ernestina.

Horace: I'm not interested. What's her last name?

Dolly: Oh, simple… uh, Simple. Ernestina Simple.

Horace: Can she cook?

Dolly: Can she cook? Frankly, I never understood why a girl who could afford every servant around makes all her own meals, on a solid gold stove.

Horace: She's a fool. I'm not interested in fools.

Dolly: Neither am I. Good day.

Horace: Good day.

Dolly: Don't forget. 7.30, Harmonia Gardens. And rent some evening clothes. She's fussy! (She begins to leave.)

Horace: Dolly Levi, you are a damned exasperating woman!

Dolly: (Stops and looks at him) Why, Horace Vandergelder, that is the nicest thing you have ever said to me! (Leaves the scene. The parade slowly advances until they’ve all left as well.)

End of Scene 6

END OF ACT 2

INTERMISSION

ACT 3Scene 7(One of New York’s streets. Cornelius and Barnaby are waiting for their dates to arrive. Barnaby looks very worried, but Cornelius seems like his head is in the clouds.) Barnaby: Cornelius, are you sure they're just changing their clothes?

Cornelius: Don't worry, they'll be here.

Barnaby: I get dressed in less than three minutes every day!

Cornelius: (Looks at Barnaby and makes a pause) Women wear more.

Barnaby: They do?

Cornelius: Underneath. (Barnaby nods, then puts an even more nervous face.)

Barnaby: Cornelius, maybe we should leave while there's time.

Cornelius: Never.

Barnaby: We've seen everything. The parade, the Statue of Liberty, the stuffed whale at Barnum's museum. I could die a happy man now!

Cornelius: It'll be worth it, no matter what happens. The worst anybody can do is put us in jail! But as long as we live we'll never forget the night we took Irene Molloy and Minnie Fay to dinner at Harmonia Gardens, on less than a dollar.

Barnaby: Cornelius, wake up.

Cornelius: And there's another reason we can't go back. One more thing we promised to do before we go and turn into a couple of Vandergelders.

Barnaby: (Shocked) Cornelius! You're not thinking of kissing Miss Molloy?

Cornelius: Maybe.

Barnaby: She'll scream!

Cornelius: Barnaby, you don't know anything about women.

Barnaby: Only that we can't afford 'em.

Cornelius: You should know that everyone except us goes through life kissing right and left all the time.

Barnaby: (Curious) They do?

Cornelius: Yes.

Barnaby: I often wondered about that… (Irene and Minnie enter the scene. Cornelius and Barnaby look very nervous.)

Cornelius: Smile, Barnaby.

Barnaby: I'm smiling.

Cornelius: Look rich and happy and charming.

Barnaby: I'm looking happy and charming.

Irene: (They reach them) Hello. (Neither one says anything.) Here we are!

Minnie: Hello! (Still no answer from either.)

Barnaby: (Nervous, he nudges Cornelius in the arm) Cornelius!

Cornelius: (Takes a moment to react) I'm pleased to meet you, Miss Molloy.

Irene: No last names. After all we've been through together this afternoon, it's Irene and Minnie.

Cornelius: Irene. (He takes her hand and kisses it.)

Barnaby: Does that count, Cornelius?

Cornelius: (To Barnaby) I don't think so.

Irene: Count?

Cornelius: You see, we… we were counting here, while we were waiting.

Minnie: I hear all rich people do nothing but count their money. (Giggles)

Irene: I'm so hungry. Why don't we go in here and have some hors d'oeuvres first? (She walks towards a nearby restaurant.)

Cornelius: (He takes a while to react, then places himself in Irene’s way.) Oh, no, no, no.

Irene: But it's very fashionable!

Cornelius: It would spoil our appetites!

Irene: Or we could have an apéritif.

Cornelius: It's out of the question. Barnaby and I don't agree with that sort of thing.

Irene: But all those people do.

Cornelius: Well, they simply don't know that an… an… apéritif is no longer considered elegant.

Irene: Oh, it isn't?

Barnaby: Hasn't been for years!

Irene: In that case, it's on to Harmonia Gardens for dinner! Call a hack.

Cornelius: (Surprised) Hack?

Minnie: Oh, all my life I've wanted to ride in a hack! Oh, there's one. Yoo- hoo!

Cornelius: No, no. We can't do that! (Makes a pause.) I mean, it isn't the money or anything. It's just that, nowadays, really elegant people never take hacks.

Barnaby: Hacks is out.

Cornelius: They all go by streetcar.

Irene: Then, by all means, we go by streetcar.

Minnie: Imagine, I've been elegant all my life and I never knew it!

Cornelius: Of course, if you really want to be really elegant…

Irene: Oh, we do.

Minnie: We do.

Cornelius: You'll walk.

Irene: Walk?

Cornelius: Of course! Shall we? (They go, arm in arm, Cornelius with Irene and Barnaby with Minnie, out of stage.)

End of Scene 7Scene 8(The Harmonia Gardens restaurant. Three tables are on stage, two of them with two chairs, one with four. Rudolph is walking around the stage, greeting customers and giving orders to waiters.) Rudolph: Good evening. Good evening. Straighten up! Walk erect! Pleasure. Good evening. How nice to see you. Psst! No expression. Let the food smile. And how are you this evening? Charming, charming. (Ernestina arrives at the restaurant.)

Ernestina: You! You there! (Rudolph turns around.) Come up here at once. (He points at himself with his finger in doubt.) Yes, you. (He goes towards her.) How dare you keep me standing here this long?

Rudolph: As soon as Mr Vandergelder arrives, you will be seated, Miss Simple.

Ernestina: Now look here, garçon.

Rudolph: My name is Rudolph. Rudolph Reisenweber.

Ernestina: And why, may I ask, can I not wait at the table?

Rudolph: Please. Please. Harmonia Gardens does not consider it proper, a lady alone. Perhaps if you'll let me take your wrap. (He tries to take her wrap for her. She reacts disgusted.)

Ernestina: Ohh! Don't touch me. (A waiter comes into stage and whispers something into Rudolph’s ear.)

Rudolph: Where? (To Ernestina) If you will excuse me.

Ernestina: Certainly not. (She leaves the scene. Cornelius, Barnaby, Irene and Minnie enter the scene from the opposite side. Rudolph walks towards them.)

Rudolph: Yes? What can I do for you?

Cornelius: How are ya, Adolf? How's my old friend?

Rudolph: I am Rudolph.

Cornelius: (Makes a pause as he looks at him) Oh, of course. Rudolph. (Laughs) We'd like a little something to eat. You know?

Rudolph: In what name is the reservation, please?

Cornelius: (Confused) Reservation?

Rudolph: I'm afraid there is nothing available.

Barnaby: (Worried) Come on, let's go.

Irene: Excuse me, do you know who he is? This is Cornelius Hackl. The Cornelius Hackl.

Minnie: Tell him about the Rockefellers.

Rudolph: The Rockefellers? I see.

Barnaby: (Nervous) Look, I know a little place up the block.

Rudolph: I think I have something. Yes, I think I have something. Follow me, if you will. (He walks towards the table with four chairs. They follow, while Cornelius and Barnaby make angry gestures to each other.) Dining room number two. It is the last one. Very private.

Cornelius: It is?

Rudolph: Very exclusive.

Cornelius: It is?

Rudolph: Very fashionable.

Cornelius: Don't say another word.

Rudolph: And very expensive.

Cornelius: That was the word. (Rudolph leads them into the room.)

Irene: How beautiful!

Minnie: How elegant!

Barnaby: (To Cornelius) How much?

Irene: Cornelius, I thought you said everyone knew you.

Cornelius: Oh, don't worry. They will after tonight. (A waiter proceeds to give them menus. Rudolph walks away. Ambrose and Ermengarde enter the scene while this is happening, and they whisper something to a waiter. The waiter proceeds to seat them and then goes to Rudolph and whispers something into his ear.)

Rudolph: (Excited) She is? She is? I don't believe it!

Waiter: (Excited) Eight o'clock, table for two, and a chicken.

Rudolph: Mrs Dolly Levi coming here after such a long absence! It is too happy to be true.

Waiter: That's the message she told me to give you.

Rudolph: Who? Who are these people? (The waiter points at the table where Ambrose and Ermengarde are sitting. Rudolph looks at them.) They look truthful. (They leave the scene.)

Ambrose: (To Ermengarde) If you're gonna spend all evening acting like a scared rabbit, maybe I'll order lettuce.

Ermengarde: Oh, how can you be so brave? It's unfair.

Ambrose: Just try to keep remembering Mrs Levi's advice.

Ermengarde: I only wanted to marry you, not perform in public.

Ambrose: There's nobody here who knows us.

Ermengarde: Oh, Ambrose, are you sure?

Ambrose: Sweetheart, have I ever been wrong? (A waiter brings them menus as well. Horace enters the scene. Rudolph enters the scene again and goes to greet him.)

Rudolph: Sir?

Horace: Vandergelder's the name.

Rudolph: Yes, Mr Vandergelder.

Horace: There's a Miss Ernestina Simple supposed to be waiting.

Rudolph: Right there, Mr Vandergelder. (Points to the edge of the stage. Ernestina enters. Horace looks at her and looks mildly disgusted.)

Horace: No, you didn't understand what I said…

Rudolph: But perfectly. (To Ernestina) Mr Vandergelder is here, Miss Simple.

Ernestina: Yes, so I see. (She walks towards them.)

Horace: Oh, good evening, Miss Simple.Ernestina: I hope so, Mr Vandergelder. (To Rudolph) All right, my good man.

Rudolph: Fritz, private dining room number one! (He leaves, the waiter comes and leads them to the last table.)

Waiter: Follow me, if you will.

Ernestina: You may take my arm. (Horace takes her arm.) And, unless you are suffering from a head cold, kindly remove your hat. (He does so and walks with her to the table. Waiters begin to come to the tables and take orders.)

Irene: Waiter, write this down. Mock turtle soup, roast pheasant under glass.

Barnaby: (To Cornelius) Pheasant?

Minnie: I'll have the same, and some champagne.

Barnaby: (To Cornelius) Champagne?

Waiter: (To Cornelius) What would you like, sir?

Cornelius: Six months off for good behaviour? (They think it’s a joke and laugh it off. They continue ordering.)

Ernestina: What do you mean, "oysters aren't in season"? Anybody can have oysters in season. I want them out of season!

Horace: They don't have any, Miss Simple.

Ernestina: Well then tell 'em to go out and dig for some! (Laughs. Horace puts his hand to his face in embarrassment. Everyone orders, and the food comes to the tables quickly. Cornelius seems to be thinking about something, but decides to stand up and talk.)

Cornelius: Barnaby, Irene, Minnie, I feel so good about everything, so good about this whole day, that I am now going to become an honest man and tell the truth.

Barnaby: (Surprised) Cornelius?

Irene: I'd forgotten what strange things happen to men when they drink.

Cornelius: (Sits down next to Irene) If I tell you the truth, will you let me put my arm around your waist?

Irene: Good heavens! You can do that even if you lie to me. (Slowly and shyly he puts his arm around her waist.)

Cornelius: (Nervous) I've never touched a woman before.

Irene: You still haven't. That's my corset. (He puts his other arm around her waist.)

Cornelius: You're a wonderful person, Irene.

Irene: Thank you, Cornelius.

Cornelius: And that's why I have to tell you the truth.

Irene: If it'll make you feel better.

Cornelius: It's all those fancy things that Mrs Levi said about me.

Irene: Oh, yes.

Cornelius: Well, they're just not so.

Irene: Indeed? (He lets her go and stands up.)

Cornelius: Irene, I'm not rich.

Irene: Not rich?

Cornelius: I'm not any of the things Mrs Levi said I was. And neither is Barnaby. We're not sports, we don't know anybody. We never come to New York. We never do anything except work for Mr Vandergelder all day and clean up the store at night. And we wanted so much to have one day of adventure that we ran away from Yonkers and told a lot of lies. Ah, well, look at us. A pair of penniless pretenders.

Irene: But, Cornelius, I've known that all along.

Barnaby: You have?

Irene: Why else would you have hidden in my cupboard and under my table?

Minnie: And made us walk all over New York?

Barnaby: You're the nicest ladies a man ever went to jail for.

Irene: Jail?

Cornelius: We don't have the money to pay for this dinner.

Irene: Of course you don't. Minnie, show these two sports what I've got in my purse. (Minnie nods and stands up to reach for Irene’s purse. Irene stands up too.) What a pleasure to know that selling all those silly hats can pay for an evening as delightful as this one.

Cornelius: (Very happy) I can't help myself. (He goes to Irene and kisses her.)

Barnaby: (Stands up) Wow!

Cornelius: (Breathless) I… (Irene is very happy too. Minnie walks to her and hands her a red purse.)

Irene: No, no, Minnie, my white handbag, not that one. (Pauses, her expression changes to one of shock.) My white handbag!

Minnie: When we changed for the evening!

Irene: Minnie… (She sits down, feeling defeated)

Minnie: Only my mad money… a nickel for the horsecar. (She sits down as well, and Barnaby does too. A waiter approaches the table.)

Waiter: Would you like your check now, sir? (He hands Cornelius a piece of paper. Cornelius takes it and looks at it, and looks shocked. He regains composure and gives the bill back to the waiter.)

Cornelius: Take this away, my good man. Bring us another bottle of champagne.

(The waiter nods and leaves. Cornelius sits down, looking as worried as everyone else in the table. In Horace’s table, Ernestina is suddenly picking her thing up.)

Horace: What's this? What are you doing?

Ernestina: It's eight o'clock. I really must be going.

Horace: Going? You haven't finished your dinner yet, Miss Simple. That's expensive. If I had food like that every night, I'd be out of business inside a year!

Ernestina: I suggest you have the waiter put it in a bag and take it home to your horses and pigs.

Horace: I don't have pigs, Miss Simple, I have chickens, and I did not get them by being extravagant!

Ernestina: I see no point in this trivial discussion, Mr Vandergelder, nor in my remaining here any longer, (She stands up) inasmuch as it is quite clear to me that you are, if you forgive the expression, entirely unsuitable.

Horace: (Stands up quickly, surprised.) Unsuitable?

Ernestina: Nevertheless, I will never say a word to Mrs Levi about this unfortunate evening. And I suggest you do likewise when she arrives here.

Horace: Wait a minute. Did you say "arrives here"?

Ernestina: Yes, she planned to join us at eight. You may say I left because I felt sick to my stomach. It's quite true, you know. (Horace looks hurt) Good night. (Ernestina leaves the scene. Horace sits down again at the table, alone.)

End of Scene 8

Scene 9(The Harmonia Gardens Restaurant. The arrangement of the tables has changed: now the table where Ermengarde and Ambrose isn’t on stage. Horace’s table is in front, while Cornelius’s table is in the back, leaving a big space in front of both tables to serve as a dancing stage. Horace is sitting alone in his table. Cornelius, Barnaby, Irene and Minnie are sitting in their table, looking worried. Rudolph is standing next to the entrance. A conversation between Dolly and Ernestina can be heard off-stage.) Ernestina: He's all yours, honey.

Dolly: Good! Thank you so much, darling.

Ernestina: It’s the least I could do for a friend like you, Dolly! (A waiter rushes into the scene and goes to Rudolph.)

Waiter: Mr Reisenweber, come here! Hurry!

Rudolph: How often have I told you not to shout?

Waiter: It's her. She's outside.

Rudolph: (Excited) You mean…? (Horace stands up and approaches them.)

Horace: What's going on?

Rudolph: Are you sure?

Waiter: I know that voice. I heard her.

Horace: Who? Who's come?Rudolph: A lady. You wouldn't know her. Mrs Levi. (Horace stands still for a

while and then goes back to his table, his back against the entrance. Rudolph and the waiter rush to the entrance as Dolly enters the scene.)

Dolly: My, Rudolph! It’s been such a long time! How have you been?

Rudolph: Oh, Dolly! (He kisses her hand.) I’m so happy to have you at my restaurant again. I have so many fond memories of the time you used to spend here… Why did you ever go?

Dolly: That doesn’t matter now. What matters is that I’ll never go away from you guys again! (During this conversation Horace tries to sneak past them to the exit. Dolly, however, catches sight of him.) Horace Vandergelder.

Horace: (Surprised, turns around and tries to play dumb.) Do we know each other?

Dolly: Much too well.

Horace: Oh, it's you, Mrs Levi!

Dolly: Yes.

Horace: Well, do you, uh…? (Makes a pause) Do you think you have the figure for that sort of get-up?

Dolly: That's for others to say, Mr Vandergelder. I bought it from a friend, not being a rich lady who has nothing better to do than dilly-dally with seamstresses. Which reminds me. Where is Miss Simple?

Horace: Miss Simple? Well, she had to… uh… uh… She got called away by a sick friend. Had to leave.

Dolly: Oh. Well, that's Ernestina. Always thinking of other people. We'll just have to make do without her for the time being. Rudolph?

Rudolph: My dear Mrs Levi, I have saved the very best table for you.

Dolly: Oh, Rudolph, how I've missed you.

Rudolph: This way, please. (Rudolph leads them to the table.)

Dolly: Come along.

Horace: I've already eaten.

Dolly: Don't stand here, you'll get run over by a waiter. (She grabs him by the arm and pulls him towards the table. She starts greeting the other customers.) Oh, hello. Good evening. Oh, hello. How are you? Hi, nice to see you.

Horace: You know too many people.

Dolly: Total strangers.

Horace: So why greet them?

Dolly: It feels good to have so many friends.

Horace: Well, say hello for me too!

Dolly: I already did. (They sit at the table. Rudolph stands besides them.) Lovely, Rudolph. Perfect.

Horace: What are we doing down here?Dolly: There's someone in the dance competition I want you to see.

Horace: I have no interest in dancing.

Dolly: (Ignores him) Rudy, this is Mr Vandergelder of Yonkers. In fact, Yonkers' most influential citizen. And Mr Vandergelder insists on buying the finest dinner you have and served promptly.

Horace: I never said that.

Dolly: I'm watching my waist. Can't eat a thing. What's ready immediately?

Rudolph: You ordered a chicken…

Dolly: Chicken? No, I couldn't face a chicken. Not after all I've been through today.

Horace: Good, cancel the chicken.

Dolly: And bring a turkey!

Rudolph: Yes.

Dolly: With the usual everything on the side! (Rudolph nods and leaves.) Now, tell me about you and Ernestina. I can't wait to hear. It was short, but was it sweet? I mean, do you think you and she…? I mean, did it go well?

Horace: Mrs Levi, you've a habit of asking very personal questions.

Dolly: Mr Vandergelder, if you're thinking of marriage, you might as well learn that you have to let women be women. Now, tell me, did you like her? Did she like you?

Horace: Always putting your nose into other people's affairs. Anybody who lived with you would get as nervous as a cat.

Dolly: (Shocked) What did you say?

Horace: Anybody who lived with you…

Dolly: Horace Vandergelder, you get that idea right out of your head this minute! Why, the idea of you even mentioning such a thing! Understand once and for all that I have no intention of marrying you.

Horace: I didn't mean that.

Dolly: You've been hinting around for some time.

Horace: I have not.

Dolly: So put that right out of your head.

Horace: Stop saying that! That's not what I meant!

Dolly: I should hope not. Horace Vandergelder, you go your way and I'll go mine! I am not some Irene Molloy whose head you can turn with chocolate peanuts! Unshelled! The only idea of you suggesting it!

Horace: You misunderstood me.

Dolly: I certainly hope so. Let's not discuss it any more. Here's our food. (Rudolph brings in their food.)

Horace: I don't feel well.Dolly: I'll serve Mr Vandergelder. (Rudolph nods and leaves the scene.) Here is

a lovely, a lovely wing, for you. And some dumplings. Oh, lighter than air, they are.

Horace: That's what I need, some air!

Dolly: And some giblets. Very, very tender and very good for you. No, as I said before, you go your way and I'll go mine. Here, have some wine, you'll feel better. Since you brought it up, there's one thing I oughta say…

Horace: I didn't bring it up.

Dolly: …before we forget about it. It's true, I like to manage things, but not anything as disorderly as your household. As out of control, as untidy.

Oh, no, Horace, you can do that for yourself.

Horace: It is not out of control.

Dolly: Let's not say another word. Oh, have some beets.

Horace: I'm not hungry and I don't like beets!

Dolly: No, a complaining, quarrelsome, friendless soul like you is no sort of companion for me. You salt your beets and I'll salt mine. I won't say another word.

Horace: Besides, I'm not those things you said I am.

Dolly: You're the only person that knows it. No, Horace, I have decided to enjoy life. You can find a housekeeper who'll cook for a dollar a day. It can be done, if you like cold baked beans. I can see you now, ending your days listening at keyholes for fear of being cheated. Have some more beets. They're delicious.

Horace: I hate beets!

Dolly: There, that's the difference between us. I'd be nagging you, to get some spirit into you, and the pity of it is you could be a charming, amiable man if you wanted to.

Horace: (Stands up) I don't want to be charming!

Dolly: But you are! Look at you! You can't help yourself!

Horace: Listening at keyholes! You have no right to say such things.

Dolly: At your age you ought to enjoy the truth.

Horace: My age, you're always talking about my age.

Dolly: I don't know what your age is, but with bad temper you'll double it in six months! Now siddown. Before we change the subject, there's one thing I'll say.

Horace: I don't wanna hear it! (He sits down.) You're wasting your time! I have no intention of proposing.

Dolly: Oh! I suppose you want me to ask you? Well, I'm sorry. I'm turning you down.

Horace: How can you turn me down when I haven't asked ya anything?

Dolly: It's no use arguing. I've made up your mind. Here, let me cut your wings.

Horace: I don't want my wings cut!

Dolly: No man does, Horace. No man does.

Horace: I've got a headache. I'm leaving. (Stands up, a fanfare plays as Rudolph walks towards the dancing stage and looks to the audience.)

Dolly: Oh, no, you can’t go now! The dance competition is about to begin! (Horace sits down again.)

Rudolph: Ladies and gentlemen, if I may have your attention please. It is my pleasure to announce on behalf of the management of the Harmonia Gardens, that our dance contest is about to commence. Ladies and gentlemen who wish to participate, will you please come to the dance floor. To the lucky winning couple goes the grand prize of 50 silver dollars or an engagement at the Harmonia Gardens!

Cornelius: (Standing up and exclaiming) Fifty silver dollars!

Rudolph: Everybody, dance! (The couples start flocking onto the stage, among them Ambrose and Ermengarde, who is wearing a mask. Cornelius, Barnaby, Irene and Minnie get up and go towards the stage, but are intercepted by a waiter.)

Waiter: Your check, sir.

Cornelius: Another bottle of champagne. (The waiter nods, goes away. They start dancing on the stage.)

Dolly: (Pointing at Ambrose) Mm! Look at him. What grace, what talent, what a living he could earn with his feet! Horace, look. (She nudges him in the arm.)

Horace: Where? (Looks at where Ambrose’s dancing.) Wait a minute…

Dolly: Oh, isn't he wonderful?

Horace: That's Ambrose Kemper, so-called artist.

Dolly: Why, so it is.

Horace: No wonder his pictures are so awful. He must paint with his feet.

Dolly: He's sure to win first prize!

Horace: Ermengarde should see him now, dancing with another girl.

Dolly: And such a pretty little thing too.

Horace: It's shameful, that's what it is. Shameful! (Cornelius and Irene dance a little too close to Horace. Cornelius notices, takes Irene’s hand fan and uses it to cover his face.) Look, there's that Molloy woman dancing with a man… I think it's a man. (They move away from him.) And only a few hours ago she was waiting for me to propose.

Dolly: Shocking.

Horace: No faithfulness left in this world.

Dolly: I agree. I certainly do. And it's very selfish that people like us don’t jump right up and marry someone just to set the world a good example. (As they dance, Ermengarde’s mask falls off and lands near Horace’s table.)

Ermengarde: My mask! (She crawls between the people and picks it up. However,

Horace has seen her.)

Horace: Ermengarde!

Ermengarde: Uncle… (Ambrose goes next to her.)

Horace: My niece! (He quickly gets up, pushing his chair back, making a customer fall to the ground. He dashes towards Ermengarde and tries to pull her away from Ambrose.) You are a disgrace to Yonkers!

Rudolph: Mr Vandergelder, the contest!

Horace: I'll show you a contest! (The man he knocked over gets up, goes to him, and pulls him aside. Horace pushes him into the crowd and a riot breaks loose.)

Rudolph: Call the police! (Ermengarde and Ambrose manage to get away. Horace turns around to find Cornelius, Irene, Barnaby and Minnie.)

Horace: Cornelius Hackl! What are you doing in New York?

Cornelius: Uh… Delivering some oats!

Horace: Oats? With my former intended? You're discharged!

Cornelius: You can't fire me! I quit!

Irene: So do I! (They both leave.)

Horace: (To Barnaby) And you're discharged!

Barnaby: You can't fire me! I quit!

Minnie: So do I! (They leave as well. Horace charges after them, but the customer from before gets hold of him, turns him around, and knocks him out cold.)

End of Scene 9 Scene 10(Central Park. Cornelius, Barnaby, Irene and Minnie are sitting next to a fountain.) Irene: Cornelius, Barnaby, perhaps there's a way I can get Mr Vandergelder to

give you back your jobs.

Cornelius: What? How?

Irene: (Makes a pause) I could become his wife.

Cornelius: No, that's impossible.

Irene: It is?

Cornelius: Yes.

Irene: But why, Cornelius?

Cornelius: Because. That's why.

Irene: But you have to give me a reason.

Cornelius: Never mind the reason. Never mind the reason! (Irene tries to shush him, because he’s being too loud.) And don't tell me to shush! (A policeman can be heard from off stage.)

Policeman: What's going on there?

Barnaby: Cornelius, quick! (He and Minnie rush off-stage. The policeman enters the stage.)

Policeman: Hey, you! What's all this noise? What's happening here?

Cornelius: Now, you stay out of this.

Policeman: (To Irene) Are you all right, Miss?

Irene: I'll let you know.

Policeman: (Looks at Cornelius with a disapproving look) Young man…

Cornelius: I'm only trying to tell her something.

Policeman: Well, it's too late and you're too loud and I should take you away for disturbing the peace!

Cornelius: No, it's not too late! That's why I'm shouting! (By now, a small crowd is witnessing the scene, among them an Old Man and an Old Lady.) For 28 years, my whole life, I never did anything. I just worked, took orders, never went anywhere. Stayed in Yonkers.

Policeman: Yonkers?

Cornelius: And today the most important thing that can happen to a man, and might never have happened had I stayed in Yonkers, happened to me because I left Yonkers and came to New York and met this lady. Met her this afternoon.

Policeman: Mister... just what are you talking about?

Cornelius: Officer, I'm talking about none other than love. (Barnaby and Minnie pop into scene again.)

Barnaby and Minnie: Love?

Policeman: Young man, are you trying to tell me that after 28 years in Yonkers you've fallen in love with this young lady in one day?

Cornelius: Oh, no, Officer, I didn't fall in love with Miss Irene Molloy of this city in just a day. It was much quicker than that. An hour. No, even that's too long. What's less than a minute?

Old Man: A second?

Cornelius: No, less than that.

Old Lady: A moment.

Cornelius: That's it! That’s what I’m trying to say! I fell in love with you Irene, in just a moment. And that’s all that matters. (He stretches his hand to her, smiling. She smiles as well, and they leave the scene together, hand in hand.)

End of Scene 10

Scene 11(The outside of the Harmonia Gardens restaurant. Horace and Dolly are coming out the front door. Dolly is talking to a waiter inside, which is not on stage. She’s carrying Horace’s cane.) Dolly: Tell Rudolph not to worry about the damage. Just send the bill to

Vandergelder's Hay and Feed Store, Yonkers, New York. (The front door closes.) There's your life for you.

Horace: I don't want to hear about it.

Dolly: Without niece, without bride, without clerks.

Horace: Look, I'm tired. I've got a backache.

Dolly: That's all you have. I hope you're satisfied.

Horace: Never mind.

Dolly: There's only one thing for me to say. I've been meaning to say it all night.

Horace: If it's to ask me to marry you, Dolly Levi, never - not in a million years!

Dolly: It wasn't that at all, Horace. All I wanted to say was…

Horace: What?

Dolly: Goodbye, Horace Vandergelder. (She leaves the scene, leaving Horace alone.)

End of Scene 11END OF ACT 3

ACT 4Scene 12(The following day. Horace’s shop. Several busted cans of chicken are lying around. Children can be heard playing outside. Horace can be heard off-stage.) Horace: Quiet! Quiet, down there, you… little monsters. (The children stop

making noise.) Cornelius! Barnaby! D'ya hear me down there? Ermengarde! (He comes down the stairs and enters the scene.) What the devil is this? What's this chicken mash doing all over? (He picks up a can and smells it. He puts on a frown and throws it aside.) Cornelius! Barnaby! Get up here this minute and clean up this mess. (He makes a pause as he realizes he fired them.) Well, good riddance. Didn't need you before and I don't need you now. Ermengarde! I'm ready for my breakfast! I want three eggs with crisp bacon, and hot porridge with cream, and grits… (He makes another pause as he realizes she ran away.) It's not fair. It's worse than that. It's lonely. (Makes a pause, and suddenly he smiles. The smile is quickly replaced by a frown.) Not in a million years, Dolly Levi. You go your way and I'll go mine. (Ambrose, Ermengarde, Cornelius, Irene, Barnaby and Minnie enter the shop.)

Ermengarde: Good morning, Uncle Horace.

Cornelius: Good morning, Mr Vandergelder.

Barnaby: Good morning. Horace: (Gives them a superior look) Oh, come crawling back, have you? I've a

good mind not to take you but, as I'm so soft-hearted, go get your aprons and start cleaning up this mess.

Cornelius: We're not coming back to work for you.

Horace: (Surprised) What?

Cornelius: Barnaby and I are stopping by for our money. You see, we've decided to go into business.

Horace: (Shocked) Business?

Cornelius: And since the only business we know is hay and feed, we're opening our own store!

Barnaby: Mrs Levi's found the perfect location for us.

Irene: Right across the street from you.

Horace: She wouldn't dare.

Minnie: Hackl and Tucker Incorporated.

Horace: Heh! You'll last for a week. What about my breakfast?

Ermengarde: Uncle Horace, (She goes next to him) I think you'd better start learning how to make it yourself. (She kisses him in the cheek.)

Horace: All right, all right. My conscience is clear. A man can do only so much to keep fools from their own natural folly. (Dolly arrives at the scene.)

Dolly: Why, Horace Vandergelder, as I live and breathe, how well you look today. I just came by to return your cane, so don't let me interrupt. You were doing something? What were you doing?

Irene: We were getting their money.

Cornelius: $146.35.

Barnaby: Plus $6.12 of mine.

Ermengarde: And the money my mama left me.

Ambrose: That's right. $52.48.

Horace: 38, idiot!

Ambrose: 48… Uncle.

Horace: All right, all right. If all you can think about at a time like this is money, the safe is upstairs! (Everyone except Dolly and Horace run upstairs.) And I have the combination! (To Dolly) You stay here.

Dolly: If you insist, Horace. (He gives her an odd look then goes upstairs. She looks around her and starts a monologue.) Ephraim Levi, I'm gonna get married again. I'm gonna marry Horace Vandergelder. And I'm asking your permission. It won't be a marriage in the sense that we had one, but I shall certainly make him happy. You can be sure of that. I am going to marry Horace Vandergelder and send his money out into the world, doing all the things you taught me. As you always used to say, Ephraim: "Money, pardon the expression, is like manure. It's not worth a thing unless it's spread around, encouraging young things to grow." Anyhow, that's the opinion of the future Mrs Vandergelder. And, Ephraim, I'm still waiting for that sign that you approve. (A worker enters the scene as Horace is coming down the stairs.)

Worker: (Carrying a paint can and a brush) Mr Vandergelder?

Horace: Outside. Front and back. (The worker leaves. To Dolly, in a slow manner) Bossy, scheming, meddling, irritating, inquisitive, exasperating. (He takes a broom and he starts cleaning the floor.)

Dolly: Horace, I know you're no longer interested, but I have found you the

ideal wife.

Horace: (Stands up and leaves the broom aside) Dolly Levi, I don't want you to find me any ideal wife. If I want an ideal wife, I'll find one of my own, and I have found her and it's you, damn it! (Dolly looks surprised.) I know I've been a fool and I probably always will be, but Dolly, forgive me and… marry me.

Dolly: No, Horace, I… I don't dare. I don't dare.

Horace: What do you mean?

Dolly: Well, you know as well as I do that you're the first citizen of Yonkers, and your wife would have to be a… a somebody.

Horace: You are! You are a wonderful woman.

Dolly: Yes, but, uh… do you really think I have it in me to forgo fancy clothes and expensive jewels, and instead be a benefactress to half the town? (She makes a pause) In other words, to be a credit to you?

Horace: Dolly, everybody knows that you could do anything you wanted to do.

Dolly: By the way, Horace, here's the money I borrowed from you yesterday. (She hands him a bill)

Horace: Keep it, keep it.

Dolly: Oh, Horace. I never thought I'd ever hear you say anything like that. (She hugs him.) You know it's bad business to let Cornelius open a store over there?

Horace: It was your idea.

Dolly: Let him be your partner. And Barnaby can have Cornelius's old job.

Horace: Now wait a minute…! Dolly: That way we can all dance at Ermengarde's wedding.

Horace: That does it! You've gone too far! I'll dance at no wedding. Besides, I don't know how. (She gives him the bill.) All right, I'll dance. (The worker enters the scene again.)

Worker: Excuse me, Mr Vandergelder…

Horace: I said outside! Now get moving.

Dolly: Horace, what is going on around here?

Horace: Oh, nothing, I just thought I'd have the shutters done over in forest green. The paint's still good, but that fellow's just set up a business and needs a good start. You see, Dolly, I've always felt that money, pardon the expression, is like manure. It's not worth a thing unless it's spread around, encouraging young things to grow.

Dolly: (Whispers) Thank you, Ephraim. (She runs to him and hugs him. They go together upstairs, out of the stage.)

End Of Scene 12

END OF ACT 4

THE END