A low-conflict language for discussing and managing toxic behavior Detox your team
Ken Power Principal Engineer, Cisco Systems Thursday August 6, 2015
@ken_power
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Why explore toxic behaviors?
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Blaming
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Defensiveness
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Stonewalling
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Contempt
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What is your ‘common’ toxic behavior? What brings it out?
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Antidotes for blame
Are you willing to go on without blaming?
Address the behavior, do not attack the person
Soften the start-up
Find the request behind the criticism
Ventilate to coach
Use “I feel … I want” statements.
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Antidotes for defensiveness
Active listening – use when team are not hearing each other accurately. “Bob, what did you hear Jim say?”
2% rule
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Antidotes for stonewalling
Check for flooding and soothe
Get permission to proxy / speak for team member
Address fears of what will happen
Encourage engagement
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Antidotes for contempt
Are you willing to resolve this without sarcasm?
Ventilate to coach
Check for flooding and soothe
Use “I feel … I want…” statements
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Call to Action: What will you do with your teams?
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Protocol for Dealing with Toxic Behaviors
Research says that teams that have a conflict protocol perform better than teams who don’t.
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• Think about your ideal team. How would that team handle conflicts and disagreements?
• What are some behaviors you want to have happen when conflict occurs?
• What are some things you do not want to happen when conflict occurs?
• How will you hold one another accountable for these agreements? • What will you do if someone breaks an agreement?
Conflict Protocol Questions
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• Educate your teams on their impact • Call them when you see them; agree to proceed without them
• Create a conflict protocol with your teams
• Train your team to deal with toxins, e.g., COIN
Some general antidotes to toxic behaviors
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Increase Positivity During Conflict using COIN (Context, Observation, Impact, Next)
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• Context puts the event or behavior in a time frame and setting so that it can be remembered. Where and when did this occur?
• ︎Observation describes the actions and behavior that were Observation describes the actions and behavior that were witnessed, without evaluation or interpretation of the intent.
• ︎Impact speaks to the reason for concern. Describe in a neutral way Impact speaks to the reason for concern. Describe in a neutral way the impact on you, other people, the work, the organization.
• ︎Next – a request for change. Establish agreements and Next – a request for change. Establish agreements and understandings about what will be different in the future.
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• John Gottman. Why Marriages Succeed Or Fail.
• John Gottman. The Science Of Trust: Emotional Attunement For Couples.
• John Gottman. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.
• Virginia Satir. Lots of stuff.
• CRR Global. Organization and Relationship System Coaching (ORSC). http://crrglobal.com/
• CRR Global. Increasing Positivity During Conflict using COIN (Context, Observation, Impact, Next). http://www.crrglobal.com/_downloads/Coin-Conversation.pdf
References
@ken_power
http://www.linkedin.com/in/kenpower
http://kenpower.ie/
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