COMMUNICATION & COMMUNICATION & RELATIONSHIP RELATIONSHIP DEVELOPMENTDEVELOPMENT
COMMUNICATING ABOUT COMMUNICATING ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIPYOUR RELATIONSHIP
RELATIONSHIP MESSAGESRELATIONSHIP MESSAGES– Inherent in everything we say?Inherent in everything we say?– Specifically about the relationshipSpecifically about the relationship
» Overall relationship?Overall relationship?
» Specific about some aspect of the relationship?Specific about some aspect of the relationship?
WHEN COMMUNICATING WHEN COMMUNICATING SPECIFICALLY ABOUT THE SPECIFICALLY ABOUT THE
RELATIONSHIPRELATIONSHIP RELATIONSHIPS AS RELATIONSHIPS AS WORKWORK RELATIONSHIPS AS RELATIONSHIPS AS COMMITMENTCOMMITMENT RELATIONSHIPS AS RELATIONSHIPS AS INVOLVEMENTINVOLVEMENT
– Communal ThemesCommunal Themes– Individual ThemesIndividual Themes– Influential Factors Outside the Relationship Influential Factors Outside the Relationship
ThemesThemes
RELATIONSHIPS AS RELATIONSHIPS AS UNIQUE UNIQUE OR OR SPECIALSPECIAL
RELATIONSHIPS AS RELATIONSHIPS AS MANIPULATIONMANIPULATION RELATIONSHIPS AS RELATIONSHIPS AS CONSIDERATIONCONSIDERATION
AND AND RESPECTRESPECT
DIMENSIONS OF DIMENSIONS OF COMMUNICATION IN COMMUNICATION IN
RELATIONSHIP RELATIONSHIP DEVELOPMENTDEVELOPMENT
STAGES IN THE STAGES IN THE DEVELOPMENT AND DEVELOPMENT AND
DETERIORATION OF A DETERIORATION OF A RELATIONSHIPRELATIONSHIP
INITIATINGINITIATING
Display self : pleasant, likeable…Display self : pleasant, likeable…– May exaggerate, brag, show off, deceiveMay exaggerate, brag, show off, deceive
Scan other for: commonalities, attractivenessScan other for: commonalities, attractiveness Talk: general information, relaxing thingsTalk: general information, relaxing things Greeting/seduction ritualsGreeting/seduction rituals Nervous, cautious, curiousNervous, cautious, curious
EXPERIMENTINGEXPERIMENTING
Discovery talkDiscovery talk– Looking for commonalities, indicators of “fit”Looking for commonalities, indicators of “fit”– Often reciprocal exchangesOften reciprocal exchanges
Connectedness, uncertaintyConnectedness, uncertainty
INTENSIFYINGINTENSIFYING Closeness/intimacy felt and/or exhibitedCloseness/intimacy felt and/or exhibited Discuss some secrets, moral valuesDiscuss some secrets, moral values Language more adapted to unique otherLanguage more adapted to unique other Increase in use of “we” and “us”Increase in use of “we” and “us” Greater access to possessions, space of otherGreater access to possessions, space of other Make short term plans together; do favors for Make short term plans together; do favors for
each othereach other Happy, warm, wanted & neededHappy, warm, wanted & needed
INTEGRATINGINTEGRATING
Blending/merging of two into oneBlending/merging of two into one Intimacy trophies exchangedIntimacy trophies exchanged Vigorously cultivate things that distinguish “US”Vigorously cultivate things that distinguish “US” More sharing of feelings, vulnerabilitiesMore sharing of feelings, vulnerabilities Reflect on shared past experiencesReflect on shared past experiences Miss each other when apartMiss each other when apart
BONDINGBONDING
Public ritual, contract Public ritual, contract – Provides basis for different kind plans, promises, Provides basis for different kind plans, promises,
agreementsagreements Make sacrifices for relationship Make sacrifices for relationship Make long term plans, promises, agreementsMake long term plans, promises, agreements Increased comfort with being apartIncreased comfort with being apart Overwhelmed and happyOverwhelmed and happy
DIFFERENTIATINGDIFFERENTIATING
Talk characterized by “how different we are”Talk characterized by “how different we are” Arguments and attempts to make up, changeArguments and attempts to make up, change Confused, inadequate, separate, somewhat Confused, inadequate, separate, somewhat
lonelylonely
CIRCUMSCRIBINGCIRCUMSCRIBING Less total communication; exchanges of shorter Less total communication; exchanges of shorter
durationduration Many touchy subjectsMany touchy subjects Talk mostly about everyday mattersTalk mostly about everyday matters Each devotes more time to own interests/activitiesEach devotes more time to own interests/activities Public behavior may not reflect privatePublic behavior may not reflect private Cold, distant, unloved, misunderstood, frustrated, Cold, distant, unloved, misunderstood, frustrated,
depressed, uncaringdepressed, uncaring
STAGNATINGSTAGNATING
Relationship standing stillRelationship standing still Covert dialogues about what you “know” Covert dialogues about what you “know”
will happen if you talkwill happen if you talk Even everyday talk is potential poisonEven everyday talk is potential poison Do things together in uncomfortable silenceDo things together in uncomfortable silence Reflecting on possible end of relationshipReflecting on possible end of relationship
AVOIDINGAVOIDING
Get out of same physical environment (or Get out of same physical environment (or act like it)act like it)
Stop seeing each otherStop seeing each other Greater restriction on talk; no relationship Greater restriction on talk; no relationship
talktalk Angry, helpless, nervousAngry, helpless, nervous
TERMINATINGTERMINATING
Termination dialogue:Termination dialogue:– Rationale for what we’re doing; historyRationale for what we’re doing; history– Clarify what we’re doingClarify what we’re doing– Discuss future relationship (if any)Discuss future relationship (if any)
Unhappy, happy, sad, depressed, lonely, Unhappy, happy, sad, depressed, lonely, scaredscared
MOVEMENT THROUGH MOVEMENT THROUGH RELATIONSHIP STAGESRELATIONSHIP STAGES
MOVEMENT IS GENERALLY MOVEMENT IS GENERALLY SEQUENTIAL, BUT “SKIPPING” DOES SEQUENTIAL, BUT “SKIPPING” DOES OCCUROCCUR
MOVEMENT OCCURS WITHIN MOVEMENT OCCURS WITHIN STAGES TOOSTAGES TOO
MOVEMENT IS ALWAYS TO “A NEW MOVEMENT IS ALWAYS TO “A NEW PLACE”PLACE”
SPEED OF MOVEMENT VARIESSPEED OF MOVEMENT VARIES– RAPID WHEN TIME IS SHORT & BOTH RAPID WHEN TIME IS SHORT & BOTH
PARTNERS EAGERPARTNERS EAGER– RAPID WHEN PROXIMITY IS HIGH AND RAPID WHEN PROXIMITY IS HIGH AND
BOTH PARTNERS EAGERBOTH PARTNERS EAGER– SLOWER IF ONE PARTNER IS NOT SLOWER IF ONE PARTNER IS NOT
INTERESTED IN CHANGING STAGESINTERESTED IN CHANGING STAGES– RAPID (SOMETIMES) WHEN SACRED RAPID (SOMETIMES) WHEN SACRED
COVENANT IS BROKENCOVENANT IS BROKEN
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