Carlin’s QuotesCarlin’s Quotes

The master jesterin his own words

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

George Carlin was Free Speech personified.

The Truth takes few words.

He spoke them all.

PoliticsPolitics

Anyone can become president.That’s the problem.

The owners of this country know the truth: It's called the American dream

because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

ReligionReligion

SexSex

You can prick your finger — just don’t finger your prick.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is becausehe knows where all the bad girls live.

WarWar

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

If crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?

They never mention that part to us, do they?

LimitsLimits

I think it's the duty of the comedianto find out where the line is drawn

and cross it deliberately.

PeoplePeople

Those who dance are considered insane by those who can’t hear the music.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

DrugsDrugsOne tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Just ‘cause you got the monkey off your backdoesn't mean the circus has left town.

WordsWordsLanguage is a tool for concealing the truth.

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

Is there another word for synonym?

There are no bad words,only bad thoughts and bad intentions.

LifeLife

So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.

Always do whatever's next.

Just when I discovered the meaning of life,they changed it.

DeathDeath

Most of the time people feel okay.

Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.

I’m always relieved when someone isdelivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.

The UniverseThe UniverseThe future will soon be a thing of the past.

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe,then I'd have to say the universe

aimed rather low and settled for very little.

HimselfHimself

I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.

Farewell, Al Sleet. Farewell, Al Sleet. We miss you.

Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.

George Denis Patrick Carlin

May 12 1937 ~ June 22 2008