Caring for the Caregiver:
The Joy of Being (Good) Enough
Read this special report and learn how to transform the
stress and exhaustion of compassion fatigue into positive
energy by accepting and appreciating the person you really
are.
Copyright © 2019 Karl D. LaRowe All Rights Reserved
The Joy of Being Good Enough
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Table of Contents Introduction ............................................................................ 2
Chapter 1: Compassion Fatigue .............................................. 7
Chapter 2: Enoughless .......................................................... 10
Chapter 3: Enoughless Core Beliefs ...................................... 15
Chapter 4: The Joy of Being Good Enough............................ 20
Chapter: 5 Embracing Self-Compassion ................................ 30
Practicing Self-Compassion ............................................... 32
Chapter 6: Helpful Ways to Help Your Family Member ........ 34
Chapter 7: Conclusion ........................................................... 40
Contact Information .............................................................. 44
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Caring for the Caregiver The Joy of Being (Good) Enough
By Karl D. LaRowe M.A., LCSW International Speaker, Trainer, Consultant, Author www.compassionstrengths.com, www.stressofsuccess.com Facebook: You Are Good Enough
Introduction aring for the Caregiver: The Joy of Being: Good
Enough, is a special report written for family
care givers; the mothers and fathers, sons and
daughters, brothers, sisters and other family members
who care for someone they love who may be suffering
from mental illness, dementia or some other chronic
illness.
This is also an E-Book written from personal experience;
as a family member who is witnessing the decline of a
loved one, as a mental health therapist who learned to
transform his own compassion fatigue, burnout and
depression into increasingly positive and vibrant energy
and as a trainer and consultant who has worked with
over 50,000 care givers on three continents for the last
20 years.
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The essence of Caring for the Caregiver: The Joy of
Being: Good Enough, is about how to change the way
we see ourselves as care givers, that will help us feel
better about ourselves and the ones we care for, as we
find the resources within ourselves to provide the care
we feel called upon to give. This basic and essential
change is a transformation in our self-perception from
“Enoughless” to “Enoughness.”
Enoughless is the physical, emotional, mental and even
spiritual exhaustion and sense of defeat many care
givers experience as the result of giving the very best of
who they are every day and feeling like their best is
rarely good enough. It is the continual depletion of their
energy and an erosion of their empathy working with
clients and family members who can sometimes be
difficult, demanding and confusing. It can result in our
asking what went wrong and questioning why we are
doing what we are doing.
As one family member from a recent seminar puts it:
“I was actually quite energetic when I first started to
take care of mom. I had lots of ideas about how we
could get closer and make up for some of the things that
happened in the past. Within months I began feeling
tired, frustrated and depleted. I began asking myself
what in the world was I thinking?”
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Another says:
“I know I’ve changed as a result of taking primary care
of Dad. I no longer talk about it. I’ve withdrawn from
friends and even family. Nobody seems to understand
what it does to a person to put in so much of your own
time and energy to take care of your parent and then to
have him yell at you and criticize you because you had to
leave early one day…It doesn’t make sense anymore.”
Enoughness is knowing in your heart beyond any doubt,
that no matter what the challenge as you are caring for
your loved one, who you are as a person is always,
always good enough. It is the knowledge that as a
person, as an individual, as a human being, your
acceptance and evaluation of yourself is up to you and
is based upon who you are, not just your role as a care
giver or the evaluation of others.
Feeling good enough about who you are begins with
understanding the nature of compassion fatigue and
learning how vulnerable care givers are to absorbing
and internalizing the painful emotions of their family
member. And how, over time, the accumulation of
these painful emotions can lead to stress, anxiety,
frustration, exhaustion and the activation of negative
feelings about ourselves.
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You will also discover how unrealistic self-expectations
can activate and intensify the need to please the one
you are caring for and other family members that may
leave you vulnerable to emotional injury when they are
not met.
As you learn to identify, soothe and transform
unrealistic self-expectations and negative feelings, you
will begin to discover your “positive core self” and focus
your energy on supporting your genuine strengths and
positive emotions. Learning to replace the criticizing
self-talk with positive self-affirmation and realistic
expectations your positive emotions will get stronger
and stronger!
The last section of this E-Book, contains some
suggestions families can utilize to help their family
member and themselves manage the many adjustments
necessary to successfully live together as a family.
As one family member stated at the end of a workshop:
“To be good enough now means to do my very best, in
the best way that I know. I do not need to fulfil the
expectations of others. I just need to do my best, enjoy
what I do and learn about self-care. It is when I am in
my best condition that I am able to benefit my (disabled)
son, my husband and my family.”
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This special report is an introduction to the topic of
compassion fatigue that can lead to Enoughless which
has become one of the central themes that emerges
again and again as I provide trainings, workshops and
consultations to professional and family caregivers at:
www.compassionstrengthss.com
It is also based on the research from our new book:
“You Are Good Enough! Embracing Who You Really
Are,” where we conducted a world-wide survey about
why we often don’t feel good enough about who we are
now available at: www.stressofsuccess.com.
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Chapter 1: Compassion Fatigue
“Compassion fatigue is the experience of being “tired
from caring” for a loved one who requires ongoing care
for a chronic physical or mental disability. If not
addressed it can develop into; “tired of caring.”
- Breath of Relief: Transforming Compassion Fatigue
into Flow
t is late at night and you are exhausted. You’ve just
begun to relax into your favourite chair when you
hear screaming in the other room. You rush in to see
your mom sitting up in bed frightened and disoriented.
She is having another nightmare. She doesn’t recognize
where she is and begins screaming louder as she tries to
leave the house.
You try to calm her down and help her take her
medicine but she becomes more agitated. She begins
yelling at you. The comments are hurtful even though
you know she doesn’t really understand what she is
saying. After several minutes of trying to soothe her she
finally quiets down, takes her medication and goes back
to sleep.
You are now wide awake, upset and feeling confused
and helpless. You feel such sympathy for your mom yet
wonder how much more you can take. No matter how
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much you try your best to care for her it never seems
enough. You feel like you are never good enough.
One of the results of this kind of caregiver stress is
compassion fatigue, which, if left unidentified and
untreated can lead to burnout and depression.
Compassion fatigue has been defined as: “The reduced
capacity or interest in being empathic or ‘bearing the
suffering of clients’ and is ‘the natural consequent
behaviours and emotions arising from knowing about
traumatizing events.’”1
Compassion fatigue is a state of physical, emotional and
mental exhaustion from repeated empathic
engagement with people who are suffering. It is both
tired from caring and even tired of caring. It is the
“natural consequent emotions and behaviours” that
often result from the work we do.
It is not abnormal or pathological. It is not wrong for
care givers to sometimes feel worn out, frustrated, even
helpless and angry at the people we try to care for.
1 Compassion Fatigue Following the September 11 Terrorist
Attacks: A Study of Secondary Trauma among New York City Social Workers: International Journal of Emergency Mental Health, Vol. 6, No. 2, 2004
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Warning signs include:
Feeling overwhelmed, exhausted and drained
Avoidance and not wanting to be around your
loved one (choosing to work late, daydreaming
about no longer having to care for them, etc.)
A decrease in patience and tolerance
A decrease in patience and tolerance
Angry outbursts that are uncharacteristic of your
behavior
Cynicism and hopelessness
Heightened anxiety
Impaired ability to make care decisions2
For more information on compassion fatigue or to take
the compassion fatigue self-test go to:
http://www.compassionstrengths.com/Compassion_Fat
igue.html
2 https://www.agingcare.com/articles/compassion-fatigue-
caregivers-beyond-burnout-196224.htm
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Chapter 2: Enoughless “A pervasive, persistent and corrosive sense of not
feeling good enough about who we are.”
- “You Are Good Enough! Embracing Who You Really
Are”
ur sense of personal identity is often
intertwined with our role as a care provider;
caring for someone we love who is
significantly impaired can trigger many different
feelings. It can also lead to having unrealistic self-
expectations about how much we should do, then self-
devaluation when we do not perform at the level we
believe we should which can eventually erode our self-
esteem.
As our sense of personal worthiness erodes under the
continual demands and pressure of our role as a care
provider, our personal sense of Enoughness is also
threatened; the less worthy I feel, the less enough I
experience myself to be. As my sense of Enoughness
erodes, the very foundation of my sense of identity is
shaken; no matter how hard I try to DO (good) enough I
never seem to be able to BE (good) enough.
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This shift creates a condition in which I must try to meet
my personal sense of being good enough through my
role as a care giver.
We can feel victimized, unwittingly create or fall into
situations in which we are victimized, and/or victimize
others. We fall into a state of Enoughless. As one care
giver recently described:
“I couldn’t see it at the time but all the stress I feeling
was causing me to feel bad about myself. The worse I
felt, the more I tried to do to make up for it. It became a
vicious cycle. I began to see other family members as
lazy and uncaring, I became angry all the time and
started to hate caring for mom.”
The experience of Enoughless is core to understanding
how to transform compassion fatigue. The
accumulation of stress can silently change your
perception of yourself, the person you are caring for
and other family members as well.
The experience of repeatedly feeling powerless to DO
(good) enough can trigger beliefs that you ARE not good
enough.
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In every workshop and consultation I’ve provided, the
issue of Enoughless appears to be key for almost every
care provider who is experiencing compassion fatigue.
From hundreds of personal coaching sessions with
healthcare professionals and family care givers one of
the themes that emerges over and over again is a
hidden inner belief that our personal value as a care
giver and even as a human being is based to a great
extent to how successful we believe we are caring for
others.
The problem with this hidden inner belief of course is,
we can NEVER always be completely successful as a care
giver with everybody all the time.
It is the nature of care giving; to have more challenges
in front of us – than we can ever completely and
successfully accomplish. As another care giver in a
consultation remarked:
“I didn’t realize until now how harshly I judged myself.
Without even being aware of it, I expected to be
completely kind, caring and giving all of the time. And, I
felt this is what my family expected of me.”
The main “mechanism” that develops and sustains
Enoughless is our self-expectations. Because many of us
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become care givers with a strong desire to help the
ones we love that is sometimes developed from our
personal experiences we often expect more from
ourselves than we are capable of delivering.
Enoughless can manifest in many ways. It is most often
apparent in our self-judgment as negative self-talk.
It is estimated that people have an average of 50,000
thoughts per day of which 80% are negative3 .
When we begin to honestly look at the thoughts we
have going through our minds and how often they are
harsh and critical toward ourselves (and at times others)
it is no wonder we feel exhausted, frustrated and worn
down.
Another way Enoughless makes itself known is in how
we feel, our emotions.
When we carry very high expectations about how we
are to perform, or how we expect our family member to
respond to us and our efforts to provide care for them,
we often carry a considerable amount of stress, tension
and sometimes anxiety.
3 Laboratory of neuro-imaging, University of California at Los
Angeles
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This continual sense of being on edge can cause us to
become easily frustrated, angered, sometimes even
blaming others for our unhappiness. It’s easy to lose
sight that our emotions come from us, that they are a
result of our own perception, beliefs and expectations.
These often hidden, inner (Enoughless) core beliefs we
hold about ourselves are very important to understand.
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Chapter 3: Enoughless Core Beliefs “Your core belief is one that is so basic to the way you
orient yourself in your life that you never stop to think
about it… You simply take this belief for granted and
operate from it automatically.”
- Empowerment: The Art of Creating Your Life as You
Want It
dentifying Enoughless core beliefs is not an easy
task. It requires a great deal of courageous self-
honesty and the desire to discover the truth about
how we feel more than defending our ego or the
perception of ourselves we want to see and show to
others.
For me it meant sinking so low into compassion fatigue
and depression that I nearly completed suicide rather
than look at the person I secretly believed I was. And,
this is what is important to remember; the person you
secretly believe or fear you are is not the person you
really are.
Enoughless core beliefs are formed early in childhood
when our parents, usually out of a desire to make us
more successful people, would withhold their love,
praise or acceptance for us until we performed the way
they felt was “good enough.”
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For many of us this was a rare occasion! More often
than steady encouragement was at times harsh criticism
and comparison with others with whom we never
seemed to match up. For some of us the cost of not
doing “good enough” could be fairly hurtful and
discouraging.
In some cases, Enoughless core beliefs can also be
formed around traumatic experiences. Sudden losses,
unexpected death, severe illness, physical, sexual or
emotional abuse or neglect where one experiences a
sense of blame and helplessness can form strong beliefs
and emotions.
These experiences, beliefs and emotions can lay
dormant for years until we re-experience them
vicariously by emotionally engaging with a client or
family member who is experiencing emotional, mental
or medical trauma, severe illness and/or loss.
All of a sudden we are feeling powerful emotions, a
sudden change in how we feel, think and act, not
understanding why this is happening.
Enoughless core beliefs are usually at work when we are
feeling trapped, defeated and helpless to change
ourselves or the situation we are in. It is when our
perception of, and reaction to, a person or persons, a
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relationship, an event or series of events is out of
balance and out of context.
They are often triggered by a sense of hurt, shame or
challenge to our self-image or our need to be right. We
often feel a strong urge to defend ourselves and lash
out at those who we believe have hurt us, or, turn the
anger in on ourselves.
When powerful negative emotions are engaged, our
minds are less open to new ideas or a different way of
perceiving ourselves, our situation or others. It is usually
best to identify our Enoughless core beliefs when we
are feeling calm and more secure.
Learning to identify Enoughless core beliefs begins with
self-honesty. It begins with making a conscious
agreement with yourself to listen to your thoughts and
feelings without judgment. It begins with a clear intent
to be as open and honest as you possibly can to
whatever your feelings are trying to say.
Compassion fatigue core beliefs are those often hidden
unrealistic beliefs about how we think we should be
with the ones we are caring for. Even if we know in our
head that they are unreasonable and unrealistic, in our
hearts we subconsciously hold onto them; most of the
time we are not even aware that we have the belief.
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Some very common beliefs that have been expressed by
care givers in my workshops include:
It’s all on my shoulders all the time.
No matter how much I do it will never be enough.
Nobody cares how hard I work, how much I care.
I have to be successful with all my clients (or family
member) all the time.
I must be an outstanding care giver, better than
other care givers I know.
I can't feel good about myself until I am able to take
away all of my family members pain.
As a care giver I should have no emotional problems
myself and should feel guilty and ashamed if I do. I
should not have to ask for advice or support either
professionally or personally.
As you read through these core beliefs open yourself to
sensing whether you have a belief similar to one of
these. If you do, write it down. Give yourself permission
to take ownership of this belief. Intuitively listen to
what this belief is telling you.
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Then allow yourself to journal whatever your thoughts
and feelings are. Do your best not to judge or censor
your thoughts. Just let them out. Be as accepting of
yourself as you can. You are taking the first and possibly
most important step towards the joy of being good
enough.
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Chapter 4: The Joy of Being Good Enough “Enoughness is an expression of our Authentic Self,
experiencing the vibrant energy that at its core is a
passion for living as we embrace a courageous
willingness to actively accept and authentically live our
lives with meaning and purpose.”
- You Are Good Enough! Embracing Who You Really
Are
hat self-limiting core beliefs did you
uncover? How do those beliefs affect your
sense of Enoughless?
The root cause for so many of my self-limiting core
beliefs is that I do not accept myself as I am. I feel that
in order to really accept myself I must have, be, or do
something more, different and better than who I really
am.
Carl Rogers, a famous psychologist once wrote:
“The curious paradox is, only when I accept myself just
as I am, then I can change.”4
4 Carl Rogers Ph.D. On Becoming A Person: A Therapists View of
Psychotherapy (1961)
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This means that self-acceptance will never come from
trying to do better in order to feel better about who I
am. It can only come from accepting who I am NOW and
feeling good enough about myself as I am NOW. Not in
the future, not when I’ve done this or achieved that;
NOW.
The paradox is, if I wait to accomplish something more
in order to feel better about myself, it will never
happen.
Think about it. How many times have you set out to
accomplish something expecting that once you’ve
achieved your goal you will have an enduring sense of
self-esteem?
I can personally recall many times and many
achievements in my life; getting all “As” one year in high
school, getting on the varsity wrestling team, earning
my black belt, graduating from college, being accepted
into an ivy league graduate school, etc., etc., etc.
Each time there is the excitement of the achievement,
the sense that I made it! Look at me! Look how good I
am! But after a while the thrill and sense of being
noticed, seen and admired, fades. Doing better rarely
has a lasting effect of being a better person or feeling
better about who I am.
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For care givers this is key, because we are in a position
caring for our family member that despite how hard we
may try, the effort and intelligence we may bring to care
for them, many times we will not be acknowledged or
appreciated for what we are doing.
It is the nature of care giving. There are many factors
that are beyond our control and out of our influence –
even though we may or evaluate ourselves on results
we cannot directly influence.
As one family member recently stated at a workshop:
“I now see why I get so disappointed and exhausted. I’ve
been evaluating myself by how much I am appreciated
by my dad who I am caring for after his stroke. I want
him to tell me how much he appreciates me but he
never expressed his feelings out loud growing up and
he’s not going to now.”
Enoughness is a term I use to describe a state of inner
acceptance of who I am as a person. It is not a
statement about my performance as a care giver.
Enoughness is the result of accepting myself as I am and
knowing that in the overall larger scheme, I am actually
quite average – and being average is good enough.
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Enoughness results in a feeling of calm confidence while
being honest about my strengths and weaknesses. It
allows me the freedom to honestly appraise my
performance without feeling defensive. Knowing in my
heart that I am good enough releases me to do better
without the fear of failure.
Accepting my Enoughness for what I do, does not limit
how positive I can feel about who I am.
In fact, accepting my Enoughness releases me to accept,
love and celebrate my uniqueness. Learning to love
yourself is hard. We are all our own harshest critics.
Somehow society teaches us that it is unacceptable to
love ourselves and to shout it from the rooftops.
Children always remind me of the way life is supposed
to be. Most of us walk around with negative ideas
floating around in our heads all day long, clouding our
logical thought process. "I'm fat... I'm ugly... I'm not
good enough... I'm stupid..." all things that friends and
family have said to me without blinking an eye.
There are plenty of self-help books and gimmicks out
there that seem silly. However, learning how to positive
self-talk is a major part of the widely used practice of
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT).
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Basically, CBT argues that the way we think alters the
way we feel ... and the way we feel affects the way we
behave. Therefore, if we begin to change our thinking
about ourselves (even if we don't believe our
affirmations at first), eventually we will feel and behave
in ways that align with our new beliefs.
An affirmation is an alternative belief you form that is
more in alignment with who you truly are. When you
begin to shift your perception from Enoughless to
Enoughness you will begin to notice things you hadn’t
noticed previously and gradually let go of the endless
stream of negative self-talk.
Affirmations are more than just words you repeat to
yourself – they are specifically crafted
thoughts/emotions/images that speak to you
individually and are internalized through creative
visualization. They are a reflection who you already are.
Crafting your affirmation
“When you change enough of your core beliefs about
‘this is the way the world works’, the cumulative effect is
massive.”
- Srikumar S. Rao, Ph.D.: Happiness at Work
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Affirmations are:
Written down
Stated in the positive
Succinct
Specific
Magnetic
Stated as if it already exists
About you, not anyone else and always include you
Sample Affirmations
I accept myself as I am – knowing, that as I do, I feel
more secure and confident within myself and with
others.
I am doing the best I know how to do, given the
person I am today and the situation I am dealing
with. When I know a better way and can do it I will.
I am good enough today as the person I really am.
While I will strive to do better in my work and life, I
always accept who I am today.
I can embrace the stresses of my work while
providing soothing and comfort to my own sense of
self.
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I am strong, stable and secure within my own heart.
I can work effectively with others who do not always
agree with me or see things my way.
I am secure and free within myself. While I strive to
create harmonious relationships with others I can
also be true to who I am.
Once you’ve chosen or developed an affirmation that
feels right for you, you will need to anchor the
affirmation deep within yourself so that it will take root
and grow. The way to do this is through creative
visualization.
Creative visualization is another often misunderstood
concept. Like affirmations, creative visualization utilizes
the ability you already use, although usually reactively
rather than creatively.
Reactive visualization occurs when we habitually and
usually unconsciously visualize in the morning how
badly our day is going to go and when something “bad”
happens we repeat to ourselves: “I knew it! I just knew
that would happen!”
We set the stage and then look for the evidence that we
were right. And even when the “evidence” isn’t clear
and convincing, we shape and mould it to fit our
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unquestioned core beliefs rather than challenge the
beliefs themselves.
Creative visualization utilizes the power of your entire
imagination; your visual abilities, your memories,
emotions, sensations, attention, intention and even
your intuition. It consciously aligns a positive intention
(affirmation) with a visual, emotional and kinaesthetic
experience that plants the affirmation in your
unconscious mind.
Like a seed, the affirmation requires nourishment and
weeding. With regular practice you will nourish your
affirmation sensing, feeling and knowing that you
deserve the benefits your affirmation will bring.
By being mindful of negative, sabotaging thoughts that
are still active from your negative core belief, you can
weed the soil your affirmation is planted in so that it can
take root and grow strong and resilient.
To practice and anchor your creative visualization:
1. SIT
Pick a time and place where you can be alone for a
couple of minutes. Sit in a comfortable chair with
the spine straight.
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2. BREATHE
Breathe fully and slowly from the diaphragm.
Breathe in to a count of 4 and out to a count of 5.
3. RELAX
Relax your body and calm the mind. Allow yourself
to relax and release restless thoughts, fears,
insecurities, and doubts. When your mind gets
restless, breathe, relax and focus on a sense of calm
and stillness that is growing inside you.
4. OPEN
Open your mind. Suspend judgment and disbelief.
Allow yourself to accept the idea that you are worth
what you are affirming and you deserve the benefits
of your affirmation.
5. AFFIRM
Choose an affirmation and repeat it with increasing
clarity, focus and intention. Allow yourself to
become immersed in the process of repeating,
sensing, feeling and accepting the affirmation. Hold
the affirmation in the center of your heart for
several minutes. At some point, notice the
affirmation repeating itself even when you do not
consciously try to repeat it.
6. FEEL
Feel the energy, form and intent of the affirmation.
Allow it to permeate your conscious and
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subconscious minds, every cell of your entire being
and surrounding space. Feel a growing a space of
calm, clarity and peacefulness in the center of your
heart.
7. VISUALIZE
Visualize yourself as you imagine yourself to be
when the affirmation has become completely real.
Visualize how you will perceive a usually stressful
situation from a place of calm and confidence. Sense
how you will respond to others and they to you from
this secure place of Enoughness.
8. ALLOW
As you rehearse new perceptions, emotions,
thought patterns and behaviours, allow yourself to
internalize this shift of perception into your sense of
self. Allow a sense of gratitude to emerge as your
inner sense of authentic self-worth grows and takes
root in your mind and body.
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Chapter: 5 Embracing Self-Compassion “Self-compassion is extending compassion to one's self
in instances of perceived inadequacy, failure, or general
suffering.”
- Kristin Neff, Ph.D. Associate Professor Human
Development and Culture, Educational Psychology
Department, University of Texas at Austin
n addition to affirming our good enoughness we
must also learn to be kind, caring and supportive of
ourselves emotionally, especially when we feel that
who we are isn’t good enough. Self-compassion is the
emotional component of embracing, accepting and
allowing our Enoughness.
Self-compassion has been researched by Dr Kirstin Neff
at: https://self-compassion.org/the-research/ and has
been found to be very important in being able to
maintain a sense inner strength and resilience especially
in times of stress. For a short video go to:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IvtZBUSplr4
Self-compassion is characterized by three main
elements: Self-kindness VS self-judgment, Common
humanity VS isolation and Mindfulness VS Over-
identification.
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When we are experiencing compassion fatigue and a
sense of Enoughless, we tend to judge ourselves and
sometimes others, very harshly. This harsh, negative
self-judgment only adds to our sense of burnout and
negativity. Self-compassion is the act of soothing our
harsh self-judgment and allow ourselves to show a
sense of kindness, patience and compassion with
ourselves the way a caring friend would.
When we are harsh and judgmental towards ourselves
we also tend to feel very isolated in our suffering. We
begin to think that we are alone and are not worthy of
being cared for and helped by others. When we have
more self-compassion we are able to feel more of a
connection with others, that we are not alone in our
suffering.
Lastly, when we get stuck in a sense of Enoughless, we
begin to over-identify with our emotional pain; all we
can see is pain and suffering and begin to feel like that is
all we will ever feel. Mindfulness is the practice of
acknowledging the pain without becoming so attached
to it. As we practice self-soothing we develop the ability
to take a step back away from our suffering as we find a
place of calm and compassion within us. You can test
your level of self-compassion at: https://self-
compassion.org/test-how-self-compassionate-you-are/
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Practicing Self-Compassion
"Self-compassion soothes the mind like a loving friend
who's willing to listen to our difficulties without giving
advice, until we can sort out our problems for
ourselves."
- Dr Kristin Neff
When you notice critical self-talk becoming intense and
intrusive; Pause, relax and breathe. This first step is
perhaps the most important step. When we get so
caught up in our inner negativity it can be very difficult
to get enough space within ourselves to recognize how
much we are being controlled by it.
If you have difficulty calming down and can feel the
tension in your neck and shoulders practice this easy,
simple breathing and movement exercise to help
discharge the energy: https://youtu.be/G71OvpnZMyE
When you feel calmer in your body and your mind has
slowed down, you can begin to As you relax, allow your
attention to go inwards, inside your body-mind. Allow
your attention to rest comfortably in your center.
Place your left hand over your stomach as you breathe
deeply and fully. Allow a sense of comfort and security
to flow from your left palm into your stomach area.
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Sense and feel the warmth and security of gently
holding yourself as you breathe. Imagine that you can
nourish your feeling of internal safety and security.
Place your right palm over your heart area. In the same
way as you did with your left hand, allow a sense of
compassion and appreciation flow to and from your
heart. Imagine that you can actually feed your heart
and emotions with compassion, acceptance and
appreciation.
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Chapter 6: Helpful Ways to Help Your
Family Member ntroduction
Family members of people who have severe and
persistent medical and/or mental illness are often
the unidentified client and are far too often ignored in
the treatment process. The following is a brief
description of some simple approaches that families
may find helpful in working with their loved one.
Low in expressed emotion (EE).
Low "EE" families tend to show a casual, easy going,
relaxed attitude towards their family member and the
symptoms of the illness. They are not prone to quick or
severe reactions, they are not overly positive or critical.
They take the ups and downs of the illness in stride.
They remain balanced despite the family members at
times severe behavior.
Well structured.
These families have clear roles and expectations of each
other. They are able to communicate clearly and in a
timely fashion. They do not "bottle up" their emotions
and explode or act out. They are able to perform
consistently in their roles i.e., as husband, father, wager
earner, etc. They also maintain consistent outside
I
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activities with friends, clubs, churches - they do not get
overly involved or caught up in the family member’s
illness.
Able to set limits.
Families that cope well with family members are
empowered to set and keep consistent boundaries and
limits. While these boundaries and limits are flexible,
they are also firm. Certain specific expectations of the
family member are made clearly and consistently: both
expected behavior as well as those behaviors that are
unacceptable. If the limits are broken, defined and
anticipated consequences follow. What is said is
followed through with action.
Able to differentiate responsibility and blame.
The responsive family is able to accept its responsibility
to the very best they can for their family member
without feeling guilty when even their best may not
been enough; Since the family does not feel to blame
for their family member’s illness, it is free and able to
respond appropriately.
The responsive family has a low level of expressed
emotion. they are generally relaxed and easy-going.
They have a clear and consistent structure with well -
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defined boundaries and expectations. They accept the
illness and are able to set boundaries. They accept the
need for medication and actively participate in the
family members compliance. They have a high degree of
responsibility to the family member and do not blame
themselves for the illness.
The following outline is a guideline to help families deal
more effectively with their loved one.
Revise Expectations.
Our image of others as well as ourselves are surprisingly
resistant to change. Families tend to view their family
member as they remember them before the illness. It
will be necessary to adjust your image and expectations
of your family member.
Ill family members have an increased need for sleep,
rest, social withdrawal and limited activity. They cannot
be as active and involved as they were before the
illness. Families should resist comparing their member's
behavior with when he/she was well or with other
people. Since the illness, a new baseline for behavior
needs to be drawn.
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Create Barriers to Over-stimulation.
Because of the disorganization and internal
preoccupation often evident in people with chronic
illness especially Alzheimer’s and other forms of
dementia, even "normal" amounts of stimulation may
be too much to handle. It is important for the family to
develop an attitude of "benign indifference." Minimize
nagging, negative, conflicting behaviors, allow the need
for "time out." Also don't over-do the positive, strike a
balance. Negative or less helpful behaviors to avoid
include:
Conflict and criticism between family members
in general and with the family member in
particular.
Extreme, or over-involvement, positive or
negative with the family member.
Decreased involvement with each family
member's own social network or other potential
supports beyond the immediate family.
Set Limits.
Again, because of the lack of internal boundaries as well
as disorganization and distraction, precise, predictable,
consistent boundaries or limits need to be set and kept.
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Do not confuse low stimulation with lack of boundaries.
Keep a low-key predictable family environment.
Decide on minimal conditions or rules necessary
for the family member to live at home with the
family.
Set limit clearly without detailed discussion with
the family member.
Set limits before tension builds - be active not
reactive. Don't wait for things to blow-up.
Avoid threats. Try not to set a limit you are not
prepared to follow through on.
Expect to be tested.
Keep Communication Simple.
With the high level of distraction, difficulty attending
and concentrating family members tend to experience,
keep communication clear, direct and simple. Avoid
over-stimulating or overtaxing. Avoid long drawn out
explanations or abstractions. Be clear, concise and
concrete.
Keep assumptions to a minimum.
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Avoid excessive detail or excessive abstraction.
Do not "entertain" the family members unusual
ideas or talk. Ask for clarification when unsure
about what is said.
Express and emphasize positive messages and
supportive comments.
Normalize Family Routine.
The ability to care for another begins with the ability to
care for ourselves. There are dangers when becoming
over-involved. The family loses its own sense of balance.
Over-involvement leads to "burnout," finally resulting in
apathy. The very behavior intended to "save" the family
member results in further deterioration.
Maintain contacts outside of the family.
Social contacts are good distraction from the
constant pain of dealing with the family
member’s illness.
Social contacts counteract the tendency to get
overly involved with the family member’s illness.
Families need to prepare themselves for and
accept the "long haul" of dealing with a chronic
mental and/or medical illness.
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Chapter 7: Conclusion “Alive, exuberant, creative energy is the core of the
Authentic Self that often becomes submerged in the
Counterfeit self. It is the part of ourselves that we (re)
discover as we accept and allow our inherent
worthiness. As we embrace our Enoughness, we come to
realise that who we are is, has been, and will always be
worthy.”
- You Are Good Enough! Embracing Who You Really
Are
he joy of being (good) enough is the easiest and
the most difficult thing you will do.
It is easy because it is natural. It is my belief that
we were born into a state of good Enoughness. When I
observe the natural joy that appears inherent in young
children when that child feels safe and secure enough in
the loving, accepting arms and eyes of their parent or
care giver, it seems clear this is our birth right. It is who
we are naturally.
When we can allow ourselves to accept ourselves as we
are without the need to pretend we are something else,
we experience good Enoughness. It is as easy and as
natural as allowing yourself to be who you truly are.
T
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It is also as difficult as allowing yourself to be who you
truly are.
As a result of the conditional love and acceptance we
received for always needing to do better most of us
have grown up with a core belief that who we are
naturally simply isn’t good enough. We become
convinced the only way to accept ourselves and be
accepted by others is to be better by doing better.
The flaw with this kind of thinking is, it hasn’t worked, it
doesn’t work now, and it will never work. All you need
to do is to honestly examine how many times trying to
gain self-acceptance by meeting somebody else’s
expectations has eventually let you down.
Now, there is nothing at all wrong with doing better. It
is wonderful when doing better is a natural expression
of how you feel about yourself. When you truly get that
you’re a good (enough) person, your motivation to do
better changes. Rather than doing better to impress
someone else or to prove to yourself how good you are,
increasing your performance in what you love to do is a
natural extension and expression of who you really are.
The other sense of joy that begins to emerge with this
kind of self-acceptance is a deep inner-security. You
begin to really understand and accept that you have
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nothing to prove to anyone else about your core value
as a person. You may need at times to prove your
effectiveness in what you do, but that is not the same
thing as proving your worthiness as a person.
When your core worthiness as a person is secure you
are much more open to looking at how you can improve
your performance. You are no longer personally
threatened by making mistakes. You understand that
what you are doing is VERY demanding and even the
most dedicated and experienced care giver always has
more to learn.
You are also more secure in your relationships with
family. As your sense of inner-security and good
Enoughness grows, you are not afraid to appear
vulnerable or not to always be right.
You are more authentic and genuine in your
communication and relationships. This authenticity is
usually perceived by others as your being a “real” or
“solid” person. Others see you as safe and will begin to
share their real feelings with you.
As your perception continues to shift from Enoughless
to Enoughness you begin to realize you have certain
strengths that you never recognized before. You bring
these strengths into the helping relationship and you
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begin to notice your family members have strengths as
well.
As you become more strengths oriented in your care
giving you begin to experience a sense of lightness and
energy when caring for others. Rather than become
exhausted by their struggles and pain, you see this as
part of their journey that you are sharing with them.
As your good-Enoughness continues to grow and
becomes internalized you find yourself in a positive
mood more often. You develop a deep inner
appreciation and sense of gratitude that reinforces
other positive emotions. You begin to experience a
growth cycle of good Enoughness activating strengths,
releasing positive energy and emotions and a deep
appreciation leading to re-claiming the joy you have for
caring for others.
This growth cycle is the natural outcome of accepting
ourselves as we are, embracing our strengths and
learning to increase our positive emotions. I’ve
personally seen a transformation in hundreds of
individuals, teams and even organizations who have
applied these principles on three continents over the
past 20 years.
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There is no need to feel exhausted and defeated.
Compassion fatigue can be transformed. You really can
recapture the joy of providing care for others.
For Support and Information
66 Lintang Bukit Jambul,
11900 Bayan Lepas,
Penang, Malaysia.
Handphone Number: (+6) 012-4251600
Email: [email protected]
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