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Dealing with Difficult Behavior
Donna Collins
Sr. Manager, Learning & Development
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Presentation Objective
By the time we are done you will be able to:
• Assess the behaviors that are personally most difficult for you, and understand best practices for dealing with these behaviors
• Explain how the brain functions under stress, and how to exercise self-management
• Clarify the difference between passive, aggressive and assertive communication
• Practice assertiveness tools
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Which is your most challenging & Why?
• The “Sherman Tank”– Attacks. Behaves in abusive, abrupt, intimidating manner, leaving
victims on the defensive, feeling overwhelmed and powerless.
• The “Complainer”– Finds fault with everything. Implies others should be doing something
about their problems. May spread rumors.
• The “Know-It-All”– Bulldozing expert on all matters. Projects absolute certainty and usually
leave others feeling one-down, stupid, or worthless.
• The “Exploder”– Temper Tantrums. Outbursts filled with rage that barely seems under
control.
• The “Wet Blanket”– Negative. Feel as if everything is out of their control. “It won’t work. It’s
no use.”
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Understanding Your Brain
• Frontal Lobe Executive Center Planning, prioritizing, organizing, reason, logic, impulse control, empathy
• Limbic System Emotional Center Memory, learning, emotions
• Brain Stem Survival Center Fight, flight, freeze (attack or defend)
THREAT!!!!
www.consciousdiscipline.com
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Give the Brain What it Needs
1. Breathe!• Take 3 deep breaths to turn off your body’s stress response
2. Address the other person’s need for safety (brain stem)• Remain calm• Use “safe” language; stick to the facts and be specific• Use the “disarming technique”
• Find and acknowledge some truth in what they are saying
• Address their need for understanding (limbic system)• Reflect both the content and feeling(s) expressed by the
other person 1. Acknowledge their position, intention or what they want
• From your executive center (frontal lobe), tell them what you want or what your position is• Find your “big voice”; be clear and direct
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Assertiveness Tools
• Basic
• Empathic
• Escalating
• Confrontive
• I-Messages
• Positive
• Broken Record
• Disarming
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Victim Accountability Model
ACCOUNTABLE
SITUATION Success or
Failure
Self-Assessment
Learn
Prepared
AcceptanceEncouragement/Self-
Confidence
No Learning
No Preparation
INTENTION CHOICE
Denial
Self-Doubt
Blame Others
VICTIM
IMPAQ©
Create? Promote?
Allow?
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Power
Con
trol
Responsibility
Whomever you believe to be in charge of your feelings…
you have placed in charge of you
It’s a Trilogy
www.consciousdiscipline.com
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Who is Your Power Going To?
• Responsibility is not a weight to carry, but a key to reclaiming your power
• Blame is an escape from responsibility and a way to give away your power
www.consciousdiscipline.com
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Power Under - Passivity
• Belief: I get my needs met only by pleasing others. I am safe only when others are happy.– Based on inner sense of fear
• Comes from mind reading
• Give up own needs
• Blame & Punish Self– “I can’t take this anymore!”
www.consciousdiscipline.com
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Power Over - Aggression
• Belief: I can be safe and get my needs met only by controlling other people and situations.– Based on inner sense of fear
• Looks like striving
• Assert one’s own needs without concern for the other’s
• Blame & Punish Others– “You’re always dominating the discussion. It’s no
mystery why we can’t come to a consensus.”
www.consciousdiscipline.com
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Personal Power - Assertiveness
• Belief: I can get my own needs met and the world is a safe place
– Based on inner sense of safety
• Self-Control
• Assert one’s needs while considering those of the other person
• Assume Responsibility
– “I recognize that you want it done by the end of the week. I don’t see how we can accomplish that without adding more resources.”
www.consciousdiscipline.com
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When you are upset you are focused on what you don’t want
Focusing on what you don’t want pits your body chemistry against your willpower
www.consciousdiscipline.com
The Challenge
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Practice Being Assertive
Practice in Pairs
• Get with one other person and take turns practicing assertively telling the person to stop speaking to you the way they are and to speak to you respectfully– Note how you sound, feel and
what your thoughts are
Exercise:
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