West Ridge Church Marriage MinistryWest Ridge Church Marriage Ministry
““Can You Hear Me Now?”Can You Hear Me Now?”
Communication Keys for CouplesCommunication Keys for Couples
VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
IntroductionIntroduction
““Conflict is.” Conflict is.”
2 Corinthians 2:10-122 Corinthians 2:10-12
If you forgive anyone, I also forgive him…. in orderIf you forgive anyone, I also forgive him…. in order
that Satan might not outwit us. that Satan might not outwit us. For we are notFor we are not
unaware of his schemes.unaware of his schemes.
VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
IntroductionIntroduction
““Conflict is.” Conflict is.”
2 Corinthians 2:10-122 Corinthians 2:10-12
If you forgive anyone, I also forgive him…. in orderIf you forgive anyone, I also forgive him…. in order
that Satan might not outwit us. that Satan might not outwit us. For we are notFor we are not
unaware of his schemes.unaware of his schemes.
To deal effectively with conflict, we need to beTo deal effectively with conflict, we need to be
awareaware of the common sources. of the common sources.
VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Some Warnings from Scripture about ConflictSome Warnings from Scripture about Conflict
Proverbs 17:19Proverbs 17:19
He who loves a quarrel loves sin; he who builds aHe who loves a quarrel loves sin; he who builds a
high gate high gate invites destructioninvites destruction..
Proverbs 26:21Proverbs 26:21
As charcoal to embers and as wood to fire, so is aAs charcoal to embers and as wood to fire, so is a
quarrelsome man for quarrelsome man for kindling strifekindling strife..
VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Some Warnings from Scripture about ConflictSome Warnings from Scripture about Conflict
Proverbs 21:19Proverbs 21:19
Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsomeBetter to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome
and ill-tempered wife.and ill-tempered wife.
2 Timothy 2:142 Timothy 2:14
……. Warn them before God against quarreling about. Warn them before God against quarreling about
words; it is of no value, and words; it is of no value, and only ruins those whoonly ruins those who
listenlisten..
VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Common Areas of ConflictCommon Areas of Conflict
VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Common Areas of ConflictCommon Areas of Conflict
1. 1. MoneyMoney
VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Common Areas of ConflictCommon Areas of Conflict
1. 1. MoneyMoney
2. 2. SexSex
VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Common Areas of ConflictCommon Areas of Conflict
1. 1. MoneyMoney
2. 2. SexSex
3. 3. ChoresChores
VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Common Areas of ConflictCommon Areas of Conflict
1. 1. MoneyMoney
2. 2. SexSex
3. 3. ChoresChores
4. 4. In LawsIn Laws
VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Common Areas of ConflictCommon Areas of Conflict
1. 1. MoneyMoney
2. 2. SexSex
3. 3. ChoresChores
4. 4. In LawsIn Laws
5. 5. ChildrenChildren
VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Understanding the Source of Our ConflictsUnderstanding the Source of Our Conflicts
VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Understanding the Source of Our ConflictsUnderstanding the Source of Our Conflicts
(1) Anger and Hate(1) Anger and Hate
Proverbs 10:12Proverbs 10:12
Hatred stirs up dissension, but love covers over allHatred stirs up dissension, but love covers over all
wrongs.wrongs.
Proverbs 15:18Proverbs 15:18
A hot-tempered man stirs up dissension, but aA hot-tempered man stirs up dissension, but a
patient man calms a quarrel.patient man calms a quarrel.
VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Understanding the Source of Our ConflictsUnderstanding the Source of Our Conflicts
(1) Anger and Hate(1) Anger and Hate
Proverbs 29:22Proverbs 29:22
An angry man stirs up dissension, and a hotAn angry man stirs up dissension, and a hot
tempered one commits many sins.tempered one commits many sins.
VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Understanding the Source of Our ConflictsUnderstanding the Source of Our Conflicts
(2) Spiritual Immaturity(2) Spiritual Immaturity
1 Corinthians 3:31 Corinthians 3:3
You are still worldly. For since there is jealousy andYou are still worldly. For since there is jealousy and
quarreling among you, are you not worldly? Are youquarreling among you, are you not worldly? Are you
not acting like mere men?not acting like mere men?
VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Understanding the Source of Our ConflictsUnderstanding the Source of Our Conflicts
(2) Spiritual Immaturity(2) Spiritual Immaturity
I John 2:15-16I John 2:15-16
Do not love the world or anything in the world. IfDo not love the world or anything in the world. If
anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is notanyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not
in him. For everything in the world — the cravingsin him. For everything in the world — the cravings
of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boastingof sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting
of what he has and does — comes not from theof what he has and does — comes not from the
Father but from the world.Father but from the world.
VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Understanding the Source of Our ConflictsUnderstanding the Source of Our Conflicts
(3) Unrealized Expectations(3) Unrealized Expectations
Proverbs 13:12Proverbs 13:12
Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longingHope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing
fulfilled is a tree of life.fulfilled is a tree of life.
VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Understanding the Source of Our ConflictsUnderstanding the Source of Our Conflicts
(3) Unrealized Expectations(3) Unrealized Expectations
Proverbs 13:12Proverbs 13:12
Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longingHope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing
fulfilled is a tree of life.fulfilled is a tree of life.
God designed us as both God designed us as both rationalrational and and emotionalemotional
beings.beings.
VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Understanding the Source of Our ConflictsUnderstanding the Source of Our Conflicts
(3) Unrealized Expectations(3) Unrealized Expectations
Expectations <> Reality --> Expectations <> Reality --> Disappoint/SurpriseDisappoint/Surprise
VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Understanding the Source of Our ConflictsUnderstanding the Source of Our Conflicts
(3) Unrealized Expectations(3) Unrealized Expectations
Expectations <> Reality --> Expectations <> Reality --> Disappoint/SurpriseDisappoint/Surprise
KidsKids
VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Understanding the Source of Our ConflictsUnderstanding the Source of Our Conflicts
(3) Unrealized Expectations(3) Unrealized Expectations
Expectations <> Reality --> Expectations <> Reality --> Disappoint/SurpriseDisappoint/Surprise
KidsKids
ParentsParents
VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Understanding the Source of Our ConflictsUnderstanding the Source of Our Conflicts
(3) Unrealized Expectations(3) Unrealized Expectations
Expectations <> Reality --> Expectations <> Reality --> Disappoint/SurpriseDisappoint/Surprise
KidsKids
ParentsParents
SchoolSchool
VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Understanding the Source of Our ConflictsUnderstanding the Source of Our Conflicts
(3) Unrealized Expectations(3) Unrealized Expectations
Expectations <> Reality --> Expectations <> Reality --> Disappoint/SurpriseDisappoint/Surprise
KidsKids
ParentsParents
SchoolSchool
SportsSports
VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Understanding the Source of Our ConflictsUnderstanding the Source of Our Conflicts
(3) Unrealized Expectations(3) Unrealized Expectations
Expectations <> Reality --> Expectations <> Reality --> Disappoint/SurpriseDisappoint/Surprise
KidsKids
ParentsParents
SchoolSchool
SportsSports
WorkWork
VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Understanding the Source of Our ConflictsUnderstanding the Source of Our Conflicts
(3) Unrealized Expectations(3) Unrealized Expectations
Expectations <> Reality --> Expectations <> Reality --> Disappoint/SurpriseDisappoint/Surprise
We have a reaction We have a reaction EVERYEVERY time reality does not time reality does not
equal expectations.equal expectations.
VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Understanding the Source of Our ConflictsUnderstanding the Source of Our Conflicts
(3) Unrealized Expectations(3) Unrealized Expectations
DisappointmentDisappointment
VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Understanding the Source of Our ConflictsUnderstanding the Source of Our Conflicts
(3) Unrealized Expectations(3) Unrealized Expectations
DisappointmentDisappointment
AngerAnger
VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Understanding the Source of Our ConflictsUnderstanding the Source of Our Conflicts
(3) Unrealized Expectations(3) Unrealized Expectations
DisappointmentDisappointment
AngerAnger
BitternessBitterness
VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Understanding the Source of Our ConflictsUnderstanding the Source of Our Conflicts
(3) Unrealized Expectations(3) Unrealized Expectations
DisappointmentDisappointment
AngerAnger Hurt Hurt
BitternessBitterness
VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Understanding the Source of Our ConflictsUnderstanding the Source of Our Conflicts
(3) Unrealized Expectations(3) Unrealized Expectations
DisappointmentDisappointment
AngerAnger Hurt Hurt
BitternessBitterness DepressionDepression
VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Understanding the Source of Our ConflictsUnderstanding the Source of Our Conflicts
(3) Unrealized Expectations(3) Unrealized Expectations
We view life through our own definition of We view life through our own definition of
" normal " normal ."."
VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Understanding the Source of Our ConflictsUnderstanding the Source of Our Conflicts
(3) Unrealized Expectations(3) Unrealized Expectations
We view life through our own definition of We view life through our own definition of
" normal " normal ."."
Our idea of Our idea of “normal”“normal” was largely formed by the was largely formed by the
environmentenvironment we grew up in. we grew up in.
VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Understanding the Source of Our ConflictsUnderstanding the Source of Our Conflicts
(3) Unrealized Expectations(3) Unrealized Expectations
Over time, we develop expectations aboutOver time, we develop expectations about
virtually virtually every areaevery area of life. of life.
VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Understanding the Source of Our ConflictsUnderstanding the Source of Our Conflicts
(3) Unrealized Expectations(3) Unrealized Expectations
We bring these expectations into our marriage We bring these expectations into our marriage
and often don’t even and often don’t even realize realize it! it!
VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Understanding the Source of Our ConflictsUnderstanding the Source of Our Conflicts
(3) Unrealized Expectations(3) Unrealized Expectations
We bring these expectations into our marriage We bring these expectations into our marriage
and often don’t even and often don’t even realize realize it! it!
Money Money
VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Understanding the Source of Our ConflictsUnderstanding the Source of Our Conflicts
(3) Unrealized Expectations(3) Unrealized Expectations
We bring these expectations into our marriage We bring these expectations into our marriage
and often don’t even and often don’t even realize realize it! it!
Money Money Sex Sex
VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Understanding the Source of Our ConflictsUnderstanding the Source of Our Conflicts
(3) Unrealized Expectations(3) Unrealized Expectations
We bring these expectations into our marriage We bring these expectations into our marriage
and often don’t even and often don’t even realize realize it! it!
Money Money Sex Sex
Chores Chores
VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Understanding the Source of Our ConflictsUnderstanding the Source of Our Conflicts
(3) Unrealized Expectations(3) Unrealized Expectations
We bring these expectations into our marriage We bring these expectations into our marriage
and often don’t even and often don’t even realize realize it! it!
Money Money Sex Sex
Chores Chores FamilyFamily
VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Understanding the Source of Our ConflictsUnderstanding the Source of Our Conflicts
(3) Unrealized Expectations(3) Unrealized Expectations
We bring these expectations into our marriage We bring these expectations into our marriage
and often don’t even and often don’t even realize realize it! it!
Money Money Sex Sex
Chores Chores FamilyFamily
ChildrenChildren
VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Understanding the Source of Our ConflictsUnderstanding the Source of Our Conflicts
(3) Unrealized Expectations(3) Unrealized Expectations
Most of our expectations are simply our Most of our expectations are simply our opinionopinion
of the way things should be.of the way things should be.
VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Understanding the Source of Our ConflictsUnderstanding the Source of Our Conflicts
(3) Unrealized Expectations(3) Unrealized Expectations
Most of our expectations are simply our Most of our expectations are simply our opinionopinion
of the way things should be.of the way things should be.
We need to We need to consciouslconsciously test our expectationsy test our expectations
against against God's WordGod's Word. .
VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Understanding the Source of Our ConflictsUnderstanding the Source of Our Conflicts
(4) Selfishness(4) Selfishness
VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Understanding the Source of Our ConflictsUnderstanding the Source of Our Conflicts
(4) Selfishness(4) Selfishness
James 1:13-15James 1:13-15
When tempted, no one should say, "God is temptingWhen tempted, no one should say, "God is tempting
me." For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor doesme." For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does
he tempt anyone; but each one is tempted when, he tempt anyone; but each one is tempted when, byby
his own evil desirehis own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed., he is dragged away and enticed.
Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin;Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin;
and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.
VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Understanding the Source of Our ConflictsUnderstanding the Source of Our Conflicts
(4) Selfishness(4) Selfishness
James 3:14-16James 3:14-16
But if you harbor But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambitionbitter envy and selfish ambition in in
your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth.
Such "wisdom" does not come down from heavenSuch "wisdom" does not come down from heaven
but is earthly, unspiritual, of the devil. For where youbut is earthly, unspiritual, of the devil. For where you
have envy and selfish ambition, there you findhave envy and selfish ambition, there you find
disorder and every evil practicedisorder and every evil practice..
VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Understanding the Source of Our ConflictsUnderstanding the Source of Our Conflicts
(4) Selfishness(4) Selfishness
James 4:1James 4:1
What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't
they come from they come from your desiresyour desires that battle within you? that battle within you?
VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Understanding the Source of Our ConflictsUnderstanding the Source of Our Conflicts
(5) Pride(5) Pride
Proverbs 13:10Proverbs 13:10
Pride only breeds quarrels, but wisdom is found inPride only breeds quarrels, but wisdom is found in
those who take advice.those who take advice.
VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Understanding the Source of Our ConflictsUnderstanding the Source of Our Conflicts
(5) Pride(5) Pride
1 Timothy 6:41 Timothy 6:4
……he is conceited and understands nothing. He hashe is conceited and understands nothing. He has
an unhealthy interest in controversies and quarrelsan unhealthy interest in controversies and quarrels
about words that result in envy, strife, malicious talk,about words that result in envy, strife, malicious talk,
evil suspicionsevil suspicions
VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Understanding the Source of Our ConflictsUnderstanding the Source of Our Conflicts
(5) Pride(5) Pride How you have fallen from heaven, O morning star,How you have fallen from heaven, O morning star,
son of the dawn! You have been cast down to theson of the dawn! You have been cast down to the
earth, you who once laid low the nations! You saidearth, you who once laid low the nations! You said
in your heart, in your heart, "I will ascend to heaven; "I will ascend to heaven; I will raise my throne above the stars of God; I will raise my throne above the stars of God; I will sit enthroned on the mount of assembly, I will sit enthroned on the mount of assembly,
I will ascend above the tops of the clouds; I will ascend above the tops of the clouds; I will make myself like the Most High." I will make myself like the Most High."
VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Understanding the Source of Our ConflictsUnderstanding the Source of Our Conflicts
(5) Pride(5) Pride
Pride is the Pride is the rootroot of every sin. of every sin.
VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Understanding the Source of Our ConflictsUnderstanding the Source of Our Conflicts
(5) Pride(5) Pride
Pride is the Pride is the rootroot of every sin. of every sin.
The essence of pride is our desire to The essence of pride is our desire to controlcontrol – to – to
be God of our own life.be God of our own life.
VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Understanding the Source of Our ConflictsUnderstanding the Source of Our Conflicts
(5) Pride(5) Pride
Instead of pride,Instead of pride, God calls us to a life that isGod calls us to a life that is
marked by marked by humilityhumility. .
VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Phil 2:4 - 7Phil 2:4 - 7
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit,Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit,
but in humility but in humility consideconsider others better thanr others better than
yourselves. Each of you should look not only to youryourselves. Each of you should look not only to your
own interests, but also to the interests of others. own interests, but also to the interests of others.
VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Phil 2:4 – 7 (continued)Phil 2:4 – 7 (continued)
Your attitude should be the same as that of ChristYour attitude should be the same as that of Christ
JesusJesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not: Who, being in very nature God, did not
consider equality with God something to be grasped,consider equality with God something to be grasped,
but made himself nothing, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of ataking the very nature of a
servantservant, being made in human likeness. And being, being made in human likeness. And being
found in appearance as a man, he humbled himselffound in appearance as a man, he humbled himself
and became obedient to death — even death on aand became obedient to death — even death on a
cross! cross!
VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
1 Peter 5:51 Peter 5:5
All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward oneAll of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one
another, because, "God opposes the proud but givesanother, because, "God opposes the proud but gives
grace to the humble."grace to the humble."
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