Dead Sand Libyan ZombieMan HuntContinuesFull Story P6

Enjoy a Störr or ChoppFREE with this voucher.See Page 47Valid until December 31st

Valid to 31st Dec 2011

One coupon per person. Offer subject to availability. Caution: Not 100% effective against ANSD carriers. IEAK is not responsible for any injuries or fatalities incurred using Störr or Chopp products.

STÖRR recycling binDurable plastic bins coming in 3 colours

CHOPP wood blockHardened finishing for meat, vegetables and ANSD carriers

Z-Rated - Mitigating the threat of Ataxic Neurodegenerative Satiety Deficiency Syndrome: A White Paper on Defending

the United Kingdom from ANSD Carriers

Department of Homeland Security

Presented to Parliament by the Secretary of State of Homeland Security By Command of Her Majesty

September 2011

G.A.R 1968 Z1317

Big Society:Zombie defence starts at home says top M.P

Special Report - Centre Spread

A leAked government report reveals the Coalition is secretly planning to en-courage families to fortify their own homes against the zombie threat. The white paper, written by the depart-ment of Homeland Security, was seen by the Morte editorial staff and recommends that the plans could be framed as part of the Big Society initiative to avoid creat-ing panic among a populace already shak-en by the authorities’ struggle to contain

the marauding undead. But the drastic measures contained in the report reveal the extent of the danger on our streets of the Ataxic Neurode-generative Satiety Deficiency Syndrome (ANSd) outbreak. Communities must “play an active role in their immediate survival” by building networks of sur-vival pods and escape routes at rooftop level, it says. The situation is so urgent that a new planning law - Planning Regulations (Ap-proved documents) Part Z - should be

introduced immediately to enable vulner-able communities to start fortification at once, the report adds. “With emergency services strained and mass treatment compromised by the on-going economic downturn, you have got to look at how people and communities can work together to protect themselves,” a senior government source confirmed. “This is absolutely what the Big Society is all about: empowering communities and giving them the tools - and weapons - to do what’s best for them,” he added.

The government would not confirm whether it will be adopting the plans, but a downing Street spokesman refused to rule it out, saying, “Of course, we are tak-ing the Ataxic Satiety [sic] outbreak very seriously indeed and you can rest assured that all options are on the table.” For more details - and to see how the government’s drastic new plans might look on a street near yours, see our special report- turn to page P44 -45 >

Leaked Online: UK defence White Paper

Leaked paper reveals community led national Zombie defence scheme

By Roger Cooper

IEAK stock rises - Business, page > P58

mor

te.c

o.uk

ANSD defence is ‘good for economy’, insists Parliament

live together, or die alone - that’s the Coali-tion’s message, as detailed plans emerged that could transform our streets into zombie-proof fortresses within weeks. The plans contained in the white paper are so advanced we can bring you these detailed images of how they might look. Communi-ties will be expected to club together to cre-ate rooftop networks of “survival pods” and escape routes in a dramatic leap forward in the Big Society concept. in a uniquely British twist, the survival pods may be flat-pack structures not all that dissim-ilar to a garden shed: the report reveals that the government has been working with home products giant ieAk to develop modules that could be attached to most terraced roofs. “We need these survival pods fast, and we need them to work. When you think about it, it makes a lot of sense to partner with some-one of ieAk’s scale to make sure Britons get out of harm’s way and stay there,” a govern-ment source said. To ensure the survival pods can withstand the force, fury and lust for brains characteristic of ANSd sufferers, the report includes a draft code of safety regulations and recommended supplies. Whole streets will be encouraged to coordinate their defences, using ieAk’s new ‘Z-Rated’ products as an officially sanctioned threat mitigation strategy. The report calls for emergency planning laws, Planning Regulations Part Z, to be in-troduced by the department of Communities with immediate effect so that communities can start fortifying at once. This follows hor-rendous scenes in major cities in recent weeks as gangs of those infected with ANSd ram-paged through the streets, looting shops and killing innocent members of the public. Worries are growing about the government’s ability to sustain the high-alert dusk-till-dawn emergency services presence that has dealt with hundreds of ugly scenes in recent weeks.

Stocks of Alprozobam, which can ease the symptoms of the “zombie virus”, are running low, and amid reports of a high-level spat between the Treasury and the department of Health over how further treatments will be funded, the Treasury has thrown its weight behind the report’s proposals. “We simply cannot afford to treat very many more cases as things stand, and that’s why it’s so crucial that we act now to prevent further infections at all costs,” a senior source said. To help families afford the pods, the report recommends tax breaks and subsidised loans through a dedicated ‘People’s Protection Fund’. These loans should “automatically be written off should the defences fail and home-owner mortality be compromised”, the report adds. emergency measures that are widely ex-pected to build on the report’s suggestions are due to be fast-tracked through Parliament later this week.

Detail: Part Z regulations at the top of the agenda as PM leaves Parliament

This sPreaDOur artists impression of a typical London street, based on the information in the white paper

Houses are clearly numbered for visual recognition in the event of a zombie takeover

04

By Jordan J. LloydMorte ANSD Correspondant

- Armed forces and communities work together to take back streets- Isolated pockets of resistance connected by a decentalised network- Military uses zombie-proof neighbourhoods as base to for counter attacks across the country, communities carry on with life as normal

Safe Zones denote zombie-proof streets and neighbourhoods, from which armed forces launch counter attacks into Target Areas. Eventually, parts of the city will be ANSD free.

London

Network of resistance across the United Kingdom

London

Tooting

Safe ZoneTarget Area

Helipad deployed for rapid armed forces counter assault or a last minuteextraction point if compromised

03

Ground source heat pump goes into reverse cycle, frying the front lawn and zombies in it

01

ANSD organic material is collected and recycled into Zyconol, a bio-diesel used for power

Large 4000 ltr. tanks collect and store rainwater, which is then filtered for domestic consumption

05

A zip wire allows residents to move to other streets quickly without having to go to ground level

06

02

The solution: Zombie-Proof your homeFriday, September 30, 2011 z-life Special

Trenches are lined with IEAK book cases filled with table legs, repurposed as spikes to impale zombies

12

Rapid deployment and extraction of sur-vival pods rely on coordination with air support, like this Chinook helicopter.

07

The elevated wide street scape allows food growing and leisure to happen at a safe distance from the undead

09

When street is com-promised, the street is flooded with an electric current passing through it

Emergency hatches located in survival pods to the roof.

10

11

Mounted floodlights for surveillance at night with integrated transmission towers and zip wire access

08The all-in-one IEAK survival pod. See page 47 for more details on layout and purchasing

The solution: Zombie-Proof your homeFriday, September 30, 2011 z-life Special

We’re DOOMeD: Researchers at the University of Ottowa, Canada have successfully mathematically modeled the spread of the ANSD contagion. The outcome however isn’t good: the current outbreak is most likely ‘disastarous’ to the human race, according to the Infectious Disease Modelling Research Progress Journal; unless ‘extremely aggressive tactics are employed against the undead’. ZycOPrOTein: UK food manufactuer Quarn is set to make a new mushroom based food product grown from reconstituted ANSD organic substrate. Adding to its range of vegetarian friendly products, the zycoprotein was developed as a ‘sustainable’ drive from Quarn to produce a renewable food source. Not everyone is happy, with accusations of cannabilism, ‘it smacks of Soylent Green’, said one supicious member of the public.

ansD anTs: A new study by the University of London has shown that ants infected with ANSD have aggressively evolved into a ‘super colony hierarchy’. “This does not bode well for us, should ANSD humanoids become smarter”, admitted one of the researchers.

A NeW spin-off series of the popular re-ality television show Guernsey Shore is under production. The new show titled ‘desolate Shore’, is a direct sequel to the popular series which follows the lives of eight room mates living on the Guernsey coast in the Channel islands. “We know our viewers were disap-pointed with the abrupt end to series 4 of Guernsey Shore due to the cast be-ing infected with ANSd”, announced a spokesman for show producers NTv, “we couldn’t just pull the plug on our biggest show just because the cast techni-

cally died. We froze the entire cast whilst the crew relocated back to the now deso-late Guernsey Shore”, he added. Fan favourites Nicola Pollizo and Mi-chael ‘The Revivication’ Sorrenetti re-turn, with NTv hoping that their ANSd condition will heighten the drama the show is famous for, as the roommates are let loose in a number of nightclubs and restaurants frequented by the last remain-ing survivors of humanity.

Cast of Guernsey Shore revived for new reality show

Desolate Shore reviewed > P38

9750new SÖMNN bedroomAn all in one bedroom unit with emergency escape

The Smiths (No. 32)

By Jordan J. Lloyd

Shore to be a hit: Mike ‘The Revivi-cation’ Sorronetti in a promotional advert for the new series Desolate Shore produced by NTV. Picture: Gatty

Friday, September 30, 2011 Science & Entertainment

Happy neighbours...

Z-Rated

ANSD Gaurantee

Table Spike .........................GalvanizedH99cm. 101.171.27 £6.50H204cm. 301.171.26 £11

Bathroom ................ 405×150×350cm.Birch veneer 936.907.06 £10,950Black-brown 600.717.86 £10,950Oak veneer 100.666.45 £10,950 White 636.883.09 £10,250

Kitchen .....................405×150×350cm.Birch veneer 936.907.07 £9,250Black-brown 600.717.87 £9,250Oak veneer 100.666.46 £9,250White 636.883.10 £8,850

BADRUMWidth×Depth×Height (cm.)

Bedroom .................. 405×150×350cm.Birch veneer 936.907.08 £10,550Black-brown 600.717.88 £10,550Oak veneer 100.666.47 £10,550White 636.883.11 £9,750

Expander ..................405×150×350cm.Birch veneer 936.907.09 £8,750Black-brown 600.717.89 £8,750Oak veneer 100.666.48 £8,750White 636.883.12 £8,550

SÖMNNWidth×Depth×Height (cm.)

KÖKWidth×Depth×Height (cm.)

ÖPPNANDEWidth×Depth×Height (cm.)

Roof ......................... 660×150×215cm.Birch veneer 936.907.10 £5,750Black-brown 600.717.10 £5,750Oak veneer 100.666.40 £5,750White 636.883.13 £5,250

GATAWidth×Depth×Height (cm.)

GOLIATWidth×Depth×Height (cm.)

Buying Guide

Bookcase ..................... 80×28×106cm.Birch veneer 956.907.37 £95Black-brown 787.756.87 £95Oak veneer 434.323.89 £95White 334.883.23 £95

LUCKWidth×Depth×Height (cm.)

The following products are Z-Rated, sanctioned by the HM Government to be used as defence mechanisms against ANSD carriers.How to plan, buy and put together our most popular

civil defence rooms.

Caution: Keep out reach of children

See ieak.com/ansd for details on our ANSD cover

Kill zombies, eat and sleep inthe all-in-one survival pod 54490

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Överleva Z-Pod coMPleTe SySTeM

10250new BadrUM bathroomIntegrated lavatory, shower and wash basin

8850new KÖK kitchen

The Browns (No. 33)

...are the ones who work together.

Friday, September 30, 2011 Science & Entertainment

Ferguson: de Gea feeling ‘alittle under the weather’

Zombie running sets sights on 2012 Olympics

Olympic hopefuls stave off imminent death in a practice run for 2012

By Jordan J. Lloyd

THe meteoric rise of the sport of zom-bie running reached a new landmark this morning, as the international Olympic Committee announced that it was consid-ering it as an official Olympic sport begin-ning in the 2012 london Olympics. The sport itself is based on traditional track and field running events, such as the 100, 200 and 400 metre sprint, in addition to endurance based 10k and 26 mile mara-thon runs. Competitors begin in the same way as traditional running events, however, they are chased by ANSd humanoids who have been unleashed onto the runners by Olympic officials at the start of the race. “The iOC is committed to make zombie running a welcome addition to the Olym-pics, provided it meets our rigorous safety criteria”, an IOC spokesman confirmed. despite overwhelming public support, some groups oppose the sport for ethical reasons. “Never mind the implications of allowing technically dead competitors into the Olympics”, said one critic, “the adrenaline rush runners get fleeing for their lives gives them an unfair advantage over traditional runners,” he added.

UK Hunting Ban LiftedRuRAl campaigners are rejoicing as Westminster amended the 2004 Hunting Act, which banned the ancient sport of fox hunting in the uk in February 2005. The change to the legislation reflects a pragmatic approach to the ANSd contagion, in which endangered foxes are substituted with ANSd humanoids instead. “it makes perfect sense,” said Major Henry West, a spokes-man for the ANSd Hunting Association, “we rid the coun-try of a parasite and preserve an integral part of British cul-ture at the same time, what’s not to like about this arrange-ment?” Anti-hunting groups oppose the change, with one protester commenting, “it’s a barbaric sport. Zombies are people too.”

Kill ‘Em All! > P66Survival of the fittest: Running tips to help you go the distance > P64

Insurance policies are subject to underwriting stipulations, and policy approval is contingent on all information provided during the underwriting process. In addition, suicide and arson provisions may apply. GPS locator and survival tips for information purposes only. All medical afflictions including ANSD infection should be consulted with your GP.

Picture: Gatty

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