YOU MUST BE KIDDING by

Sheryl K. Zohn

sheryl@sherylzohn.com 310-962-5245

First Draft

1

FADE IN: EXT. SUBURBAN NEW JERSEY – DAY As we move past strip malls, parks, and tidy houses, we see kids everywhere: kids in sandboxes, kids eating ice cream, kids riding bicycles, kids lighting firecrackers, etc. We stop outside a modest apartment building. INT. APARTMENT - BATHROOM – DAY This apartment belongs to a young couple who are on the road to success, but not there yet. RACHEL BARKIN (25), attractive in a conservative way, stands at the mirror, fixing her hair. No matter how much she brushes or sprays, she is still unsatisfied.

MALE VOICE (O.S.) Rachel, are you ready?

RACHEL Just a minute.

INT. APARTMENT - BEDROOM - DAY Rachel’s husband, BEN MARTIN (28), a sensible businessman, fidgets with his car keys.

BEN Your Mom called again. She says to look surprised when she opens the door, but don’t scream. Apparently, Lynn Bennett can’t tolerate high-pitched noises.

Finally, Rachel walks out of the room, every hair in place.

RACHEL What do you think? Does this say, “I’m 25, I’m married, I have a good job, and my mother should be satisfied, dammit.”

BEN Honey, you look perfect.

2

At this, Rachel is relieved. Ben gives her a kiss. But suddenly, Rachel pulls away.

RACHEL Oh no. Perfect is bad.

Rachel runs back to the bathroom.

BEN It is?

RACHEL (O.S.)

I have to give her something to criticize. Then she’ll be too distracted to bring up the “baby thing.”

BEN Good luck with that.

EXT. MOM’S HOUSE – DAY Rachel and Ben stand at the front door. From behind, we see that Rachel has some WILD LOCKS OF HAIR sticking out of her hairdo. She bounces nervously. Ben rings the doorbell. INT. MOM’S HOUSE - FRONT HALL - DAY The door opens to reveal a roomful of PARTY GUESTS in a comfortable home still decorated circa 1983.

PARTY GUESTS Surprise!

Rachel makes a credible “surprised” face. HANNAH BARKIN (51), energetic and obsessed with her children, swoops down on Rachel and gives her a big hug.

HANNAH Happy birthday, sweetheart!

(whispers) Your hair looks like a rat’s nest.

Rachel gives Ben a “thumbs up” over Hannah’s shoulder.

3

Hannah turns to Ben and gives him a peck on the cheek.

HANNAH Ben, dear, did you--

BEN Yes, Hannah. I parked by the garage, at least two feet away from the azaleas, but not under the tree.

HANNAH Next to the sprinklers?

Ben realizes his mistake, and goes to move the car. Hannah shakes her head sadly at her incompetent son-in-law, then turns back to Rachel.

HANNAH Look who flew all the way from Wisconsin to see you.

Rachel’s older brother, ALAN BARKIN (27), a restless schemer, hugs Rachel.

ALAN Happy b-day, Cretin. Mom tell you about the surprise?

RACHEL Of course. Mom pay for your plane ticket, Snot-face?

ALAN You know it.

Hannah takes Rachel by the elbow.

HANNAH

(to the guests) Everybody to the dining room for cake!

(to Rachel) Don’t worry, I bought fat-free sorbet for you.

RACHEL But I’m not on a diet.

4

INT. MOM’S HOUSE - DINING ROOM – LATER Alan is showing Ben a weird-looking BAGEL.

BEN Bagels Ready to Eat? I don’t get it.

ALAN

See, the cream cheese is already inside. The military is very interested in the concept.

BEN Martco exports medical supplies. Why would we invest in a food product?

ALAN Because these bagels are medical supplies. They’re like baked I.V. bags. At least taste one.

Ben reluctantly takes the bagel and starts chewing. Rachel brings over an older couple, JERRY and SUSAN FRANK.

RACHEL Ben, you remember the Franks.

Jerry Frank shakes Ben’s hand.

JERRY You’ve got quite a Missus here. Top 10 law school. First in her class. Prestigious firm.

SUSAN (to Rachel)

Hannah says you’re one of just five female associates.

Hannah’s “pride alarm” must have gone off – she pops up.

HANNAH Four. And Rachel has a better office than the other three.

RACHEL It’s not that big a deal.

5

ALAN

(jealous) Yeah. In Wisconsin everyone gets the good office.

Just then, Ben starts CHOKING on Alan’s bagel. Jerry slaps him on the back until the piece gets dislodged.

RACHEL

Alan, is that one of your bagels?

Desperate to change the subject, Alan turns to the Franks.

ALAN Hey, I heard your daughter had a baby. You sure must love being grandparents.

Rachel shoots daggers at Alan. Alan smirks back at her.

SUSAN Oh, my Ethan is just the sweetest little thing. Being a grandmother is heaven on earth.

HANNAH Yes. Too bad my daughter refuses to give me that happiness.

RACHEL

Mom, I’m only 25.

HANNAH When I was 25, I already had Alan and I was pregnant with you.

The party starts to quiet down as people eavesdrop.

RACHEL

But you didn’t work.

HANNAH Raising children is hard work.

RACHEL And that’s why I’m waiting to make partner before I have them.

6

HANNAH I could be dead by then!

By now, the entire party is listening to the fight.

RACHEL No, that would make my life way too easy.

Rachel stalks out of the room. Hannah is hurt, but quickly recovers her composure.

HANNAH (brightly)

There’s coffee in the kitchen.

INT. MOM’S HOUSE - RACHEL’S CHILDHOOD BEDROOM – LATER The room is perfectly preserved, down to the BALLET POSTER on the wall. Rachel sits on the pink bed, fuming. Ben enters and hands her a glass of water.

BEN Rachel--

RACHEL I know, I know. I shouldn’t have done that to her.

BEN That’s not what I was going to say.

Ben sits on the bed next to Rachel.

BEN (continuing)

Whether or not you choose to have a baby is none of her business.

RACHEL She’s my mother. Everything is her business.

7

BEN Not a baby. You’re the one who’ll have to feed it, and hold it, and clean it when it… leaks. That’s a lot of responsibility for you.

RACHEL And you.

Ben looks away. Rachel chooses to let it slide.

RACHEL (continuing)

I can’t just push her away. It’s been hard for her, losing Daddy.

BEN That was three years ago. And you don’t have to push her. Just get a mild restraining order.

Rachel manages a SMILE.

INT. MOM’S HOUSE - DINING ROOM – MOMENTS LATER Rachel and Ben come down the stairs to find most of the guests have left. Alan is showing his BAGEL to one of the few stragglers.

ALAN …easy: You just make a hole and shove the lox inside.

RACHEL Alan, have you seen Mom?

ALAN She’s in the basement. Said something about giving away your old baby clothes, because she’ll never have a grandchild to wear them.

BEN

That woman is relentless. SFX: A loud CRASH comes from downstairs.

8

ALAN Crap! That better not have been my baseball card collection.

Rachel and Ben rush towards the basement. INT. MOM’S HOUSE - BASEMENT – EVENING Baby clothes, toys, etc. have exploded all over the room. Hannah lies unconscious in the middle of the mess. A storage container is next to her head.

RACHEL Oh my god!

Ben opens his cell phone and dials.

BEN (into phone)

We need an ambulance ASAP. Rachel kneels next to Hannah.

RACHEL

Mom? Mom, can you hear me? Hannah does not respond.

BEN (into phone)

A storage container fell on her head. I think she’s unconscious.

Rachel strokes her mother’s head. RACHEL

I’m sorry, Mommy. I’m so sorry.

BEN (into phone)

1312 Badger Lane. And tell them not to park next to the sprinklers.

CUT TO:

9

INT. NURSING HOME - HANNAH’S ROOM - DAY Hannah lies comatose in a hospital bed, attached to an I.V. Rachel sits next to the bed, gently brushing Hannah’s hair. TITLE OVER: “SEVEN YEARS LATER” Now 32, Rachel looks slightly older, with shorter hair. Hannah has changed more. She’s frail and her hair is grey.

RACHEL (to Hannah)

About your birthday: Ben wants to be here, but he has that big meeting in Russia. Which reminds me, I need to call the plumber.

Rachel takes out a bag lunch and starts eating.

RACHEL (continuing)

Oh, guess what: Sadie got the lead in “Swan Lake.” Her ballet teacher says she’s never seen such a talented 7-year-old and... Mom?

Rachel stops. DID HANNAH JUST SMILE? Rachel shakes the idea off as impossible.

RACHEL (continuing)

Anyway, she said we must be very proud of our daughter. I told her--

SFX: A KNOCK on the door. A NURSE enters and starts exercising Hannah’s legs. Rachel watches silently as she works.

NURSE Don’t mind me. You keep going.

RACHEL (embarrassed)

I guess it’s a little silly to talk to someone who’s in a coma.

10

NURSE It’s not silly at all. There’s nothing more healing than a daughter’s love.

Rachel is reassured by that.

NURSE (continuing)

But you know that – you’re a mother yourself.

Rachel gets an UNCOMFORTABLE LOOK on her face. INT. RACHEL AND BEN’S HOUSE - FRONT HALL - EVENING Rachel lets herself in to this sleek, immaculate house. It’s a big step up from the earlier apartment. But… there’s NO SIGN OF CHILDREN anywhere. Rachel takes out her cell phone, starts dialing, and walks over to the kitchen. INT. RACHEL AND BEN’S HOUSE - KITCHEN - EVENING No sign of children here, either: no toys on the floor, no drawings on the fridge, and no fruit chews on the counter. Rachel finishes dialing and PUTS THE CELL PHONE ON SPEAKER.

ALAN (O.S.) (filtered)

Hey, Cretin. I’m back from Alaska. Who would’ve guessed Eskimos don’t want giant ice cube trays? Anyway, thanks for the plane ticket.

Rachel rolls her eyes, then turns off the phone. She opens the fridge. It’s empty, except for some yogurt.

CHILD’S VOICE (O.S.) Yuck. Yogurt has bacteria.

Rachel jumps, then turns around to see ANGELA DIETZ (8), a bright little girl desperate for attention.

11

RACHEL Angela, I told you before: You can’t just walk in without knocking.

ANGELA But the door was open. If I knocked on it, it would have opened even more.

Rachel can’t argue with that logic.

ANGELA (continuing)

Can Sadie come over? I’m playing “Shareholders Meeting,” and I need someone to be an angry investor.

RACHEL Did your Mom say it’s okay?

ANGELA She’s still at the office. But my Nanny says it’s fine, as long as I don’t interrupt the Lotto drawing.

RACHEL (calling out)

Sadie, where are you? Come to Mommy! Sadie comes running in, and then licks Rachel’s hand… which is not as weird as it sounds, because SADIE IS A DOG.

RACHEL (to Sadie)

Who’s a good dog? Yes, you are! Now go with Angela. Go play next door.

Sadie jumps on Angela. But Angela does not leave.

ANGELA Have you ever been to Las Vegas?

RACHEL Uh, Angela, I’m very busy.

Rachel gestures at the kitchen counter. It’s bare. She’s clearly not busy.

12

ANGELA I was supposed to go there to see my Dad, but his stupid wife just had a stupid baby, and now I have to go to stupid summer camp in Minnesota.

RACHEL You mean, “stupid Minnesota.”

ANGELA

I don’t know. I’ve never been there. (then)

Hillary Kelp says that when they made the baby, my Dad stuck his--

RACHEL

I know how babies are made.

Angela thinks about that.

ANGELA Then why don’t you have one?

RACHEL

Just because you can make a baby doesn’t mean you have to. Not that I won’t ever... Why am I telling you this? Just bring Sadie back by 9.

Angela shrugs, and turns to Sadie.

ANGELA Come on, girl. You’ve got some resolutions to vote on.

Angela skips out, followed by Sadie. EXT. RACHEL AND BEN’S HOUSE - FRONT PORCH - EVENING Ben, who’s now 35 and looks it, struggles up the front porch with a BRAND NEW SET OF LUGGAGE. He’s annoyed to see Angela exiting his front door.

ANGELA You guys need to go grocery shopping.

13

BEN Don’t you have any friends your own age to hang out with and… experiment with alcohol?

ANGELA (exasperated)

I’m only 8.

Angela runs off with Sadie. INT. RACHEL AND BEN’S HOUSE - FRONT HALLWAY – EVENING Ben clumsily pulls the luggage inside. Rachel helps him.

BEN We should really look into that electrified fence.

RACHEL Sorry.

(then) That’s a lot of luggage.

BEN Not for two people.

Ben heads for the bedroom. A puzzled Rachel follows Ben. INT. RACHEL AND BEN’S HOUSE - BEDROOM - EVENING Ben sets a suitcase on the bed. With a giant grin on his face, he hands Rachel a PLANE TICKET.

RACHEL (reading)

“Passenger: Rachel Barkin. Arriving: Moscow.” Ben, what did you do?

Ben starts pulling out clothes and packing them.

BEN

I got a free companion ticket. What do you say? It’ll be a lot of fun.

RACHEL I can’t take off for three weeks. I have to go to work.

14

BEN

You haven’t used a vacation day in seven years.

RACHEL What about the dog? And the plumber’s coming to fix the Insta-hot.

BEN

You can always-- Hold on. (Ben stops in mid-pack)

This better not be about your mother’s birthday.

RACHEL No. Of course not.

(then) But birthdays are important to her.

Ben angrily packs some socks.

BEN I don’t spend this much time with my mother, and she’s conscious.

RACHEL How can you say that?

BEN You’re obsessed with your Mom. It’s not healthy.

RACHEL I don’t want to discuss my mother right now.

BEN Fine with me.

Ben returns to his packing. Rachel sees that Ben is really disappointed. She straightens out his socks.

RACHEL Honey, it was a very sweet idea.

15

Ben does not respond.

RACHEL (continuing)

Why don’t we go somewhere else later this summer. Like Mexico. Just you, and me, and the warm sand.

BEN (coming around)

You promise?

RACHEL I promise.

Ben is won over.

RACHEL (continuing)

Lawyer’s honor.

But he’s not quite sure how to take that.

INT. LAW FIRM - CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY Rachel stands with a group of co-workers around the conference table. A VERY PREGNANT ATTORNEY (32) sits at the front. A weird secretary, MARGARET, places a BABY-SHAPED CAKE in front of her.

VERY PREGNANT ATTORNEY And a cake, too.

(re: baby cake) This is so… life-like.

MARGARET

I made it myself.

Several people start yelling, “Speech! Speech!”

16

VERY PREGNANT ATTORNEY When I joined the firm, I remember telling Jill…

(looks around) Where’s Jill? Must be her flex-day. Anyway, Jill and Lisa… oh, I just saw her at Max’s birthday party, she says hi to everyone… Jill, Lisa, Rachel…

(nods at Rachel) …and I talked about how intimidating this place seemed. But now, Stover, Weinstein & Dahm feels like my second home. I’m going to miss you all. Thanks.

Everyone APPLAUDS. A young male associate, TIM HARRIS (33), turns to the guy next to him.

TIM I’ve got dibs on her desk chair.

Margaret hands Rachel a piece of “baby head” cake, which she reluctantly tries. It’s surprisingly tasty. One of the law firm’s partners, the all-business BRENDA GREEN (47), approaches Rachel.

BRENDA Rachel, come to my office.

Rachel follows Brenda out. INT. LAW FIRM - BRENDA’S OFFICE – DAY Brenda sits behind her desk. Rachel sits on one of the uncomfortable guest chairs.

BRENDA Mr. Ingersoll was very pleased with the way you handled the IRS for him.

RACHEL Thanks, I—-

Brenda cuts her off with a hand gesture.

17

BRENDA As you know, this firm currently has one female partner: Me. I would like that number to increase, but your colleagues seem more interested in… outside distractions.

Brenda’s eyes fall on the piece of BABY CAKE Rachel is still holding. Rachel quickly hides it from view.

BRENDA (continuing)

However, your efforts have not gone unnoticed. That is why I am putting you in charge of the Mills matter.

Rachel’s FACE LIGHTS UP. She’s been waiting for this one.

RACHEL Wow, does this mean—-

Brenda again cuts her off with a hand gesture. She hands Rachel an ENORMOUS STACK OF PAPERS.

BRENDA

Read these by Monday. And remember, I vouched for you. Do not embarrass me.

Rachel takes the stack and leaves. INT. LAW FIRM - HALLWAY – DAY Rachel closes Brenda’s door, and does a victory dance.

RACHEL Awesome, awesome, awesome!

Just then, Margaret the weird secretary walks by. She sees Rachel dancing with the PIECE OF CAKE.

MARGARET (re: cake)

My secret ingredient is nutmeg. INT. NURSING HOME - HANNAH’S ROOM - DAY Rachel is so excited, she paces back and forth.

18

RACHEL And then Brenda – she’s the bitter one – she says:

(like Brenda) “Your efforts have not gone unnoticed.”

Hannah briefly SMILES, but Rachel doesn’t see.

RACHEL (continuing)

I’ll need to work my butt off, but if I do well with Mills, they’ll have to make me partner.

Hannah’s EYES BLINK OPEN, but Rachel still doesn’t notice.

RACHEL (continuing)

I’m so close, I feel like nothing can stop me now.

HANNAH

(faint) Rachel.

Rachel spins around.

RACHEL Mom?

Hannah motions with her head for Rachel to come closer. Rachel leans in and takes Hannah’s hand.

HANNAH (faint)

You’ve… gained… some… weight.

RACHEL Mom!

Rachel gives her mother a big hug.

HANNAH Where’s… Sadie? Where’s… my granddaughter?

Rachel’s face freezes in TERROR.

19

INT. NURSING HOME - HALLWAY – LATER Rachel is anxiously talking to DR. PATEL in the hallway outside Hannah’s room.

RACHEL But I don’t understand. I thought the whole point of a coma is you’re out of it. Gone. Can’t hear a thing.

DR. PATEL Often the first sense patients recover is hearing. It’s possible she’s been listening and retaining memories from the past few days.

RACHEL Days?

DR. PATEL Or weeks. Maybe longer. It’s difficult to say.

Alan arrives. He’s now 34, but looks unchanged.

ALAN How’s Mom? Did she ask about her diamond watch? Because I can get it back, no problem.

The doctor is confused.

RACHEL Dr. Patel, this is my brother Alan.

DR. PATEL (to Alan)

Your mother is a medical miracle. Why don’t you go in and say hello.

INT. NURSING HOME - HANNAH’S ROOM - DAY Alan, Rachel and Dr. Patel stand by Hannah’s bed. Hannah is hooked up to a VITAL SIGNS MONITOR that beeps regularly.

20

ALAN Hi Mom. You look beautiful. I’ve been taking care of your house.

RACHEL (to herself)

And living rent-free. HANNAH

Such a… good boy. (then)

Did you… bring Sadie?

ALAN Sadie? Why would I--

RACHEL (to Alan)

Hey, why don’t you tell Mom what you’ve been up to. For the last 7 years.

ALAN Let’s see, I went back to the University of Wisconsin in the Fall. But my heart wasn’t in it, so I dropped out of college for good--

Suddenly, the MONITOR starts BEEPING QUICKLY.

HANNAH (moaning)

Oh… my son… a drop-out…

RACHEL What’s happening?!

DR. PATEL (to Hannah)

Everything’s going to be fine, Mrs. Barkin.

Dr. Patel adjusts Hannah’s I.V. She CALMS DOWN.

HANNAH I’m… okay.

21

DR. PATEL (to Alan and Rachel)

She’s still very weak. You mustn’t say anything to upset her. Any shock could put her back in a coma. Or worse.

EXT. NURSING HOME - PARKING LOT – DAY Rachel walks out to the parking lot with Alan in a BLIND PANIC. Alan doesn’t notice.

RACHEL (to herself)

Ohmigod. Ohmigod. Ohmigod.

ALAN She sounded pretty good. But the brain damage is obviously there.

RACHEL (to herself)

I’ll drive to Canada. Take a new name. Work as a lobster fisher.

Rachel stops at a CAR and presses her remote’s UNLOCK BUTTON. But the door does not unlock.

ALAN

I mean, she thinks your dog is a kid.

Rachel manically tries to open the LOCKED DOOR.

ALAN (continuing)

We should find a better doctor and—- (finally noticing Rachel)

That’s not your car.

Rachel turns to Alan. She looks pathetic.

RACHEL I’ve done something horrible.

22

INT. DAVE’S ICE CREAM PARLOR – DAY Rachel sits in a pink plastic booth. Alan brings over a giant ICE CREAM SUNDAE and two spoons.

ALAN Extra fudge, with the nuts on the bottom. Just like Dad used to order.

Rachel looks up at Alan.

RACHEL/ALAN “One cherry each.”

Rachel relaxes a little. She eats some ice cream.

ALAN Now tell me exactly how you screwed up.

Rachel takes a deep breath, then exhales.

RACHEL After the accident, I spent a lot of time at the hospital. The doctors said it would help Mom if I talked to her…

FLASH BACK TO:

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM (7 YEARS EARLIER) – DAY Hannah lies unconscious, her head bandaged. A 25-year-old Rachel, face stained with tears, sits next to her.

25-YEAR-OLD RACHEL …and when you wake up, I’ll lose five pounds, cut my hair, and wear that lime green sweater vest you bought me.

Rachel falls into an AWKWARD SILENCE. Then, she’s inspired.

25-YEAR-OLD RACHEL (continuing)

Ben got me a puppy. I named her Sadie. She’s got this cute little nose.

Rachel smiles, then glances over at Hannah.

23

RACHEL (O.S.) Mom just seemed happier when I talked about Sadie. But how much can you say about dogs? All they do is eat, sleep, and poop. But grandkids - you can tell stories about them forever.

INT. NURSING HOME - HANNAH’S ROOM (4 YEARS EARLIER) – DAY Hannah now has no bandages. A 28-year-old Rachel talks enthusiastically.

28-YEAR-OLD RACHEL Then Sadie said, “Mommy, I want to be a tax attorney, too.”

28-year-old Rachel laughs at this.

RACHEL (O.S.) I didn’t think she’d remember any of it when… if… she came out of the coma.

INT. NURSING HOME - HANNAH’S ROOM (2 YEARS EARLIER) – DAY Hannah is still unconscious. A 30-year-old Rachel holds up a CHILD’S DRAWING. It shows a family, with the words “Mommy,” “Daddy,” and “Sadie” written on it.

RACHEL (O.S.)

So Sadie became the daughter Ben and I didn’t really have. Not that Ben knows about it. He’d freak out.

CUT TO:

INT. DAVE’S ICE CREAM PARLOR (PRESENT) – DAY Alan and Rachel have almost eaten the entire sundae.

ALAN Why haven’t you guys had kids yet? Does Ben shoot blanks?

24

RACHEL No! I mean, I don’t think he does. That’s not the point. How can I tell Mom that her beloved 7-year-old granddaughter doesn’t exist? It would kill her.

ALAN Then don’t tell her.

RACHEL She wants to see Sadie now. What am I supposed to do, adopt an orphan this afternoon?

Alan thinks for a minute.

ALAN I’ve got an idea. Just let me make a couple phone calls.

Alan holds his hand out expectantly. Rachel is confused, then gets it: She gives him her CELL PHONE. Alan walks away to make his call. Rachel quickly eats ALAN’S CHERRY from the sundae. INT. COMMUNITY THEATER - DAY Alan leads Rachel into an auditorium. There are 20 LITTLE GIRLS onstage. One of them is belting out the song “TOMORROW.” They are rehearsing the musical “ANNIE.”

RACHEL I wasn’t serious about the orphan.

ALAN You’ll see.

Alan waves at BERNARD LIU (51), who is directing the show from the front row. Bernard waves back. As the song concludes, Bernard claps his hands.

BERNARD Excellent work, girls. Now, as the bard used to say, taketh five.

25

Bernard comes over and gives Alan a big hug.

BERNARD Alan, my lad!

(re: Rachel) So this is “The Sister?”

ALAN Yep. Rachel, this is Bernard.

Rachel reaches to shake Bernard’s hand, but instead he gives her two air kisses.

RACHEL How do you two know each other?

BERNARD Alan produced my first musical: “Space Shuttle Challenger!” Such a tragedy. It closed after just two performances.

ALAN Bernard is going to help us find a girl to play your daughter.

BERNARD All the world is indeed a stage.

RACHEL Excuse us for a minute, Bernard.

Rachel pulls Alan aside.

RACHEL (continuing)

Are you nuts? We can’t just “cast” a grandchild.

ALAN Why not? The kid will make a couple appearances, and when Mom’s feeling better you’ll tell her the truth.

RACHEL And then she’ll never forgive me.

26

ALAN Look, would you rather have Mom angry or back in that coma?

Rachel considers the proposition, then shakes it off.

RACHEL But can we really fool her?

ALAN Sure. I fooled her for years into thinking I played the accordion.

RACHEL So all that money for lessons was a scam?

ALAN Not entirely. I'd use it to get stoned and then listen to polka music.

(to Bernard) We’re ready when you are.

MONTAGE: GIRLS AUDITIONING TO BE “SADIE” On stage, a series of CHILD ACTORS audition for the part of “Sadie,” saying the line, “I love you, Grandma Hannah.” They are all wrong for various reasons: -- One girl is chubby and African-American -- One girl sings the line, belting it for the balcony -- One girl has trouble remembering what to say

FORGETFUL GIRL I love you, Gran… Line?

-- One “girl” is actually an effeminate little boy

BERNARD I said “girls only.”

GIRLY BOY

But one day I’ll be a girl! There’s just one girl left. She looks a little like Rachel.

27

LAST GIRL (sweetly)

I love you, Grandma Hannah.

RACHEL She might work.

Just then, the sweet girl’s MOTHER comes out on stage and starts dragging the girl away.

MOTHER Come on. This isn’t even a union gig.

Bernard shrugs apologetically. There aren’t any more kids. END MONTAGE. EXT. COMMUNITY THEATER – EVENING Rachel and Alan walk out of the theater.

ALAN We could try trolling playgrounds. My buddy Cliff has a van we could borrow.

RACHEL Now you’re creeping me out.

(then) I’ve got a ton of work to do by Monday. I better go home.

Alan puts his arm around Rachel.

ALAN Don’t worry. I’ll think of a Plan B.

RACHEL Thanks. I really appreciate your help.

(suspicious) Wait, why are you helping me?

ALAN You’re my kid sister. I don’t like seeing you upset.

Rachel is touched.

28

ALAN (continuing)

By the way, I know this isn’t the best time, but I was sort of hoping you’d help me out.

RACHEL

Here we go.

ALAN This idea can’t miss. I’m going to raise butterflies, refrigerate them until they hibernate, and sell them as “Freezer Angels.”

RACHEL I’m not giving you any money.

ALAN I don’t need money.

(then) Okay, a little money. But I mostly need some space, and I was thinking your empty shed would be perfect.

RACHEL See you tomorrow, Snot-face.

Rachel starts walking towards her car.

ALAN (calling after)

Just say you’ll think about it! EXT. RACHEL AND BEN’S HOUSE – EVENING Depressed, Rachel shuffles up her walkway. Angela is waiting for her on the front porch.

ANGELA Hi, Rachel. I’m playing “Corporate Downsizing,” and I need someone to--

RACHEL

Not now, Angela.

Rachel unlocks her front door and enters. Angela follows.

29

INT. RACHEL AND BEN’S HOUSE - FRONT HALL – EVENING Rachel rifles through her bag to find an ASPIRIN.

ANGELA

Why are you so grumpy? INT. RACHEL AND BEN’S HOUSE - KITCHEN – EVENING Rachel grabs a glass and fills it with water.

RACHEL Let’s see: I’ve got a million documents to read, but I wasted the whole afternoon playing “Mommy.” And I still haven’t found a daughter.

Rachel swallows her pill.

ANGELA I'll be your daughter.

Rachel opens her mouth to tell Angela to scram, but then stops and considers her. RACHEL’S POV: Angela as little “Sadie,” ballet costume and all. It’s not a perfect match, but it could work.

RACHEL What’s your schedule like tomorrow morning?

Angela GRINS. INT. RACHEL AND BEN’S HOUSE - OFFICE - NIGHT Rachel sits at her desk. In front of her is the PILE OF PAPERS Brenda handed her at work. Rachel contemplates the TELEPHONE, picks up the receiver, then hangs up. She turns back to her work, but clearly can’t concentrate. She picks up the phone again, and this time dials a number.

RACHEL Hello, Ben?

30

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. MOSCOW OFFICE BUILDING – DAY Ben answers his CELL PHONE just outside an office filled with RUSSIAN BUSINESSMEN.

BEN I’m just about to go into a meeting. Can I call you back?

RACHEL It’s kind of important.

BEN Alright, shoot.

Rachel screws up her courage.

RACHEL My mother came out of her coma.

Ben covers the mouthpiece of his phone.

BEN Nooooooooooooooo!

The entire office falls silent. The Russian businessmen give Ben a strange look.

RACHEL

Ben? Ben!

Ben gathers himself.

BEN That’s… wonderful news, honey. Do you want me to come home?

RACHEL No!

(then) I mean, that’s very thoughtful, but I have everything under control.

BEN Great. So I’ll see you in three weeks.

31

RACHEL

Three weeks. Love you.

BEN Love you, too.

SPLIT SCREEN: Both Ben and Rachel hang up their phones and breathe a sigh of relief. EXT. RACHEL AND BEN’S HOUSE - DRIVEWAY - DAY Rachel is waiting next to her car. Angela comes over, munching on a CHOCOLATE BAR.

RACHEL (re: chocolate)

What’s that?

ANGELA Breakfast.

RACHEL Does your Mom know you’re eating candy for the most important meal of the day?

ANGELA She said I could have it.

(off Rachel’s dubious look)

She didn’t type “no” when I instant messaged her.

Rachel pulls some mint BREATH STRIPS our of her purse.

RACHEL Take one of these. My mother – “Grandma Hannah” - can’t stand junk food.

ANGELA Chocolate’s not junk.

RACHEL That’s what I used to say. But it didn’t matter: I still got carrot cupcakes in my lunch box.

32

ANGELA

Harsh.

EXT. NURSING HOME - PARKING LOT – DAY Rachel parks the car. She and Angela get out and start walking towards the entrance.

RACHEL Remember, you’re leaving for camp tomorrow, and you won’t be back until the end of the summer. Now, what’s the most important rule?

ANGELA Let her do the talking. I’ve got it, Mom.

Rachel stops and looks at Angela.

RACHEL Good girl, Sadie.

The two share a conspiratorial smile.

INT. NURSING HOME - WAITING ROOM – DAY Alan is waiting. He’s carrying a BUCKET and wearing a T-SHIRT that reads, “ROLL ON SADIE: HELP THOSE KIDS!”

RACHEL What’s the t-shirt for?

ALAN It’s “Plan B.” Sadie is off traveling across the country on a scooter to raise money for sick kids. Mom can’t complain about that.

ANGELA What are the kids sick with?

ALAN Lympho…syndrome…itis. I’m working on it.

(to Rachel) Who’s she?

33

RACHEL

Alan, meet Sadie Barkin-Martin. Sadie, meet your crazy Uncle Alan.

ALAN Barkin-Martin? You made up a daughter who gets picked on. Brilliant.

ANGELA I love my last name because it honors both my mother and my father.

RACHEL (to Alan)

She’s pretty good, huh?

ALAN Sure. If you gave birth to a child of the damned.

ANGELA I can take it down a notch.

RACHEL Smart thinking, Ang—- I mean, Sadie.

(to Alan) Better lose the shirt.

ALAN Aw, it took me two hours to get the logo ironed on.

RACHEL And the bucket.

Alan reluctantly drops the bucket and takes off the shirt. INT. NURSING HOME - HALLWAY – DAY Rachel stops Alan and Angela just before they get to Hannah’s door.

RACHEL Wait here.

Rachel goes into Hannah’s room.

34

ANGELA Are you really crazy?

ALAN No, I’m just irresponsible. Rachel’s the crazy one.

ANGELA That’s what I thought.

INT. NURSING HOME - HANNAH’S ROOM – DAY Hannah is propped up in bed. Her hair has been combed, and she’s no longer hooked up to the vital signs monitor. Rachel comes in and kisses her mother on the cheek.

RACHEL How are you feeling?

HANNAH I’ve been better. At least, I think I have. I’m having a little trouble remembering.

RACHEL (hopeful)

Really? Are you having any trouble remembering, say, people?

HANNAH Not the important ones, like you and Alan. And your poor dead father.

(a beat) And Sadie. Where is she?

Rachel nods, then turns towards the doorway.

RACHEL (calling out)

You can come in now.

Alan and Angela enter.

HANNAH Sadie? Come here, darling.

35

Angela walks up to Hannah’s bed. Hannah looks her over. Rachel holds her breath.

HANNAH (to Angela)

You’re gorgeous. You have your mother’s smile. And your Grandpa Sid’s earlobes.

Rachel exhales, relieved.

ANGELA Thanks?

RACHEL Sadie, give Grandma Hannah a hug.

Angela reluctantly leans over and hugs Hannah. Hannah notices something on Angela’s sleeve.

HANNAH

What’s that on your sweater?

Hannah picks off a piece of DOG HAIR.

ANGELA Dog hair. I was playing fetch with Sa-

ALAN Satan. That’s what the neighbors call their dog. Right, Sadie?

ANGELA Right.

Rachel mouths the words “thank you” to Alan.

HANNAH (to Angela)

Darling, when I’m well again, I’m going to take you shopping. And you can have anything you want.

ANGELA Cool.

36

RACHEL (disapproving)

Mom.

HANNAH What? I’m not allowed to spoil my only grandchild?

RACHEL Yes, but Sadie will be at summer camp.

ANGELA I could stay for the shopping.

RACHEL No! Sadie, you’re leaving for Minnesota tomorrow. Remember?

HANNAH But… that means she’ll miss my birthday.

Hannah starts fanning herself.

HANNAH (continuing)

Oh, I’m feeling faint. Sadie has to come. I might not be around for my next birthday.

Hannah gives Rachel a meaningful look.

HANNAH (continuing)

Although that would make your life “way too easy.”

Now that stings. But it also works.

RACHEL

Okay, okay. Sadie can stay.

Hannah magically feels less faint.

HANNAH (to Angela)

We are going to have so much fun. Just you wait.

37

Angela looks excited, but Rachel is wary. INT. NURSING HOME - WAITING ROOM – DAY Alan, Angela, and Rachel walk towards the front door. Rachel is holding her head.

ANGELA I wonder if the pet shop at the mall sells miniature ponies. They’re supposed to be smarter than some humans.

RACHEL I am such an idiot. Such an idiot.

ALAN You should’ve gone with the “Charity Scootering” story…

Alan picks up his bucket and t-shirt from where he left them. He looks inside the bucket.

ALAN

(continuing) Hey look, 78 cents!

ANGELA Ooh, I bet I could train my pony to run Quicken.

RACHEL Now I’m going to need a “pretend daughter” for weeks. How could I have let her talk me into this?

ALAN That’s the mysterious power of Mom. I think she implanted microchips in our brains to control us.

ANGELA Guess it doesn’t matter what I get. At least I don’t have to go to stupid summer camp.

Alan turns to Angela.

38

ALAN

Kid, summer camp was just the cover story.

ANGELA Nuh unh. My Mom signed me up for Camp Bagawon. I saw her write the check.

RACHEL I forgot. You really are going to summer camp. I’m screwed.

ANGELA But you said I don’t have to go.

RACHEL Sadie-- Angela. It’s not up to me.

ALAN Then you’ll just have to convince her real mother.

INT. DIETZ HOUSE - KITCHEN – DAY Rachel and Alan talk to Angela’s gorgeous mother, VERONICA DIETZ (42), who wears a BLUETOOTH HEADSET. Angela’s nanny, FLORENZA (51), is busy making lunch.

VERONICA You want Angela to stay in town to visit an old woman in a hospital?

RACHEL It’s a, uh, charity project.

VERONICA That’s a bald-faced lie!

Rachel is scared, but then Veronica points to her headset.

39

VERONICA (to Rachel)

My idiot assistant says he can’t get me an aisle seat.

(into phone) I’m going to call you an idiot until you get me the right seat.

RACHEL

So what do you think?

VERONICA Look, I’d love to help you, but I’ve had enough trouble making plans. First my ex gets his plaything knocked up, then Florenza here…

(nods at the nanny)

… decides she needs to see her new grandson down in South Where-ever. And I’ve got a whole division to axe in Cleveland. Angela can’t exactly stay here by herself, you know.

RACHEL What if she stayed with me?

VERONICA I thought you worked.

RACHEL That’s why my brother will baby-sit.

ALAN I will?

RACHEL Yes, while you look after the butterflies in my shed.

ALAN (catching on)

Oh right. Yep, no one baby-sits like me!

40

VERONICA Well, it’s fine with me, if Angela wants to do it.

(calls out) Angela?

(back to phone) No, not ovo-lacto vegetarian. Southeast Asian vegetarian.

Angela appears in the doorway. She drags behind her a ROLLING SUITCASE and a LAPTOP BAG.

ANGELA I’m all ready.

VERONICA That better not be my laptop.

ANGELA But mine doesn’t have a DVD player.

VERONICA Switch it. Now.

Angela stomps off with the laptop bag.

VERONICA (to Rachel)

Kids. You’re smart not to have any yet.

(into phone) No, not you. You’re still an idiot!

INT. RACHEL AND BEN’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM – DAY Alan and Angela plop themselves in front of the TV. The dog joins them. Alan picks up the REMOTE CONTROL.

ANGELA Can we watch SpongeBob?

ALAN Sure - If you get the ice cream.

Alan clicks on the TV as Angela heads towards the kitchen. She bumps into Rachel, who is on her way in.

41

RACHEL Hold it, guys. We need to—-

SFX: Front doorbell rings

RACHEL (continuing)

Now what?

EXT. RACHEL AND BEN’S HOUSE - FRONT PORCH - DAY Rachel opens the front door to find a BIKE MESSENGER on her porch. He hands her a large PACKAGE.

BIKE MESSENGER Delivery for Rachel Barkin.

RACHEL Who’s it from?

BIKE MESSENGER Brenda Green. Just sign right here.

The Messenger holds out a clipboard, but there is NO PEN.

BIKE MESSENGER (continuing)

Oops, sorry.

The Messenger pulls a pen out from his Spandex shorts. Rachel reluctantly takes it and signs. INT. RACHEL AND BEN’S HOUSE - FRONT HALL - DAY Rachel takes the PACKAGE inside and opens it. It’s another STACK OF LEGAL PAPERS. Attached is a NOTE.

RACHEL (reading)

“Enclosed are additional papers on Mills. Read, and prepare for client meeting Friday, 7 AM sharp.”

(then) “p.s. Congratulations on your mother’s consciousness.”

Rachel drops the package on a table in frustration. Just then, she hears shouting from the other room.

42

ALAN (O.S.)

Give me that!

ANGELA (O.S.) No, I want it!

INT. RACHEL AND BEN’S HOUSE - DEN – DAY Rachel comes in to find Alan and Angela struggling over the TV REMOTE CONTROL. She unplugs the TV from the wall.

ALAN/ANGELA Hey!

RACHEL That’s it. No more ice cream.

(they put down their bowls)

Dog, off the couch. (the dog jumps down)

And you two, off your bottoms. If we want Mom to believe Angela is Sadie Barkin-Martin, we’ve got a lot of work to do.

MONTAGE: ANGELA BECOMES “SADIE” INT. RACHEL AND BEN’S HOUSE - OFFICE – NIGHT Angela and Rachel are surrounded by piles of old photos. Alan sits at the COMPUTER. We see he is digitally manipulating two photos to make it look like RACHEL IS HOLDING A 4-YEAR-OLD SADIE. Rachel gives Alan her approval, and he PRINTS THE PICTURE. Angela puts the new picture into a PHOTO ALBUM. INT. NURSING HOME - HANNAH’S ROOM – DAY Hannah sits up in her bed. She flips through the PHOTO ALBUM as Rachel points and narrates. Hannah flips to a SCREWED-UP PICTURE that shows Rachel’s head on a kid’s body, and Angela’s head on an adult’s body.

43

Rachel distracts her mother while Angela PULLS THE SCREWED-UP PICTURE OUT. INT. RACHEL AND BEN’S HOUSE - DINING ROOM – NIGHT Rachel demonstrates a BALLET STEP to Angela, who does it incorrectly. Rachel demonstrates it for her again. In the corner, Alan tries the step himself. He surprises himself by being good at it. INT. NURSING HOME - HANNAH’S ROOM – DAY Hannah is now able to sit in a chair. She watches in delight as Angela, now wearing a tutu, shows off the BALLET STEPS Rachel taught her earlier. As Angela bows, Hannah claps and smiles at Rachel. INT. RACHEL AND BEN’S HOUSE - DEN – NIGHT Rachel works on her STACK OF LEGAL PAPERS in the corner. Alan and Angela are watching an old FAMILY VIDEOTAPE. Suddenly, Alan hits PAUSE. An OLD WOMAN is on the screen.

ANGELA Great-Granny Annie. Died from liver disease.

ALAN Good!

Rachel looks up from her papers.

RACHEL And what else? She was…?

ANGELA So cheap, she re-used saran wrap!

Rachel and Alan cheer. They give Angela HIGH-FIVES.

INT. NURSING HOME - MULTIPURPOSE ROOM – DAY Hannah sits in her wheelchair at a table next to Angela.

44

Angela cuts a piece of paper in the shape of a leaf, and writes “ANNIE” on it. Angela pastes it onto a FAMILY TREE.

INT. RACHEL AND BEN’S HOUSE - KITCHEN – NIGHT Rachel and Angela are reading from a HAND-WRITTEN RECIPE. Angela grates some CARROTS into a bowl. While Rachel turns to sift the flour, a BUTTERFLY flies in and lands on her arm. Alan comes in with a NET. Angela points at Rachel and giggles, but Alan motions for her to be quiet. Alan throws the NET OVER RACHEL’S HEAD. Rachel THROWS SOME FLOUR at him. Angela joins in on the fun. END MONTAGE. EXT. NURSING HOME - PICNIC TABLE – DAY The finished CARROT CUPCAKES are now on a PICNIC TABLE. Around the table sit Rachel, Alan, Angela, and Hannah. The cupcake directly in front of Hannah has a single BIRTHDAY CANDLE burning on it.

ALL …Happy Birthday to you.

ANGELA

Make a wish, Grandma.

HANNAH But I don’t need to make a wish. I have everything I want right here.

Hannah beams at Angela.

ALAN

There must be something. Like world peace. Or a new car. Or Rachel getting better taste in clothing.

RACHEL I look good in neutrals.

45

HANNAH Well, there is one thing…

Hannah takes a deep breath and BLOWS OUT THE CANDLE. The others clap. As they eat their cupcakes, a BIRD lands nearby and starts CHIRPING.

HANNAH (to Angela)

Darling, what kind of bird is that? I hear you’re an expert Ornithologist.

Angela looks up at Rachel in confusion.

ANGELA I am?

FLASH BACK TO:

INT. NURSING HOME - HANNAH’S ROOM (PRESENT) – DAY Hannah lies unconscious. Rachel is eating lunch in silence. She looks down at her CHICKEN WING, and gets an idea.

RACHEL You know, Sadie loves bird-watching. She can identify over 600 species.

CUT TO:

EXT. NURSING HOME - PICNIC TABLE – DAY Rachel nudges Angela.

RACHEL Of course you are. Silly.

Under the table, Alan STAMPS HIS FOOT. The bird flies away.

ALAN Uh oh. Too bad it flew away before Sadie could get a good look.

46

HANNAH (to Angela)

You’ll have to tell me about birds some other time.

Rachel and Alan are relieved. INT. RACHEL AND BEN’S HOUSE - HALLWAY – NIGHT Rachel carries a FOLDER OF WORK. She walks past the guest room and notices a LIGHT. INT. RACHEL AND BEN’S HOUSE - GUEST ROOM – NIGHT Rachel sticks her head in. Angela has taken over this small guest room – there are CLOTHES on the floor and LABOR REGULATION POSTERS on the wall. Angela lies in bed reading a BOOK ON BIRDS.

ANGELA Did you know that baby wood ducks leave the nest the day they’re born?

RACHEL

Lucky ducks. (then)

It’s past 10. You should go to sleep.

ANGELA Florenza lets me stay up and watch the local news. She likes to point out her neighborhood.

RACHEL Well, it’s past your bedtime in this house. You’ve got a big day tomorrow. Alan’s taking you to Office Depot.

Rachel turns off the light.

ANGELA Can I live here until college?

Rachel turns the light back on.

47

RACHEL Angela, you do understand that this is all just pretend, right?

ANGELA Duh. But if it’s okay to lie to your Mom now, why can’t we just keep lying forever?

RACHEL We’re not lying. We’re just stretching the truth to make a sick woman happy.

Angela is dubious.

RACHEL (continuing)

Besides, your mother would miss you.

ANGELA No she wouldn’t. All she cares about is work.

RACHEL I’m sure that’s not true.

ANGELA Yes it is. I’m not even in her speed-dial.

Rachel sits down next to Angela.

RACHEL Your Mom wants the best for you. She also wants to do her best at work. And maybe sometimes she has to take a business trip instead of tucking you into bed. But that doesn’t mean she loves you any less. When it’s really important, she’ll be there for you.

ANGELA I bet your Mom tucked you in every night.

Rachel thinks about that.

48

RACHEL She did. But that was a different era. And she’s a hard act to live up to.

ANGELA She’s an extraordinary woman.

RACHEL (suspicious)

Did she tell you that?

ANGELA Uh huh.

Rachel rolls her eyes.

RACHEL Goodnight.

Rachel kisses Angela on the forehead, then gets up, turns off the light, and walks out. INT. RACHEL AND BEN’S HOUSE - HALLWAY – NIGHT As Rachel carefully closes the guest room door, Alan quietly walks up behind her.

ALAN Give me a hand out back?

Rachel is startled.

RACHEL What are you still doing here?

ALAN Finishing my butterfly shed. But I need a ladder holder. That’d be you.

Rachel looks at the FOLDER in her hands.

RACHEL I really can’t--

ALAN Five minutes tops.

Rachel gives in and follows Alan out.

49

EXT. RACHEL AND BEN’S HOUSE - SHED – LATER The walls are covered with netting. Alan is up on a ladder, and Rachel hands him the last piece of net, which he hangs.

ALAN And that should do it.

Alan climbs off the ladder and walks over to a mesh cage.

RACHEL That took more than five minutes.

ALAN True. But this will make it totally worthwhile.

Alan opens the door on the cage, and DOZENS OF COLORFUL BUTTERFLIES fill the room.

RACHEL They’re beautiful.

Alan points to some UNHATCHED PUPAE on a table.

ALAN This next batch will blow your mind.

Rachel looks closely at a pupa.

RACHEL It’s weird to think something so amazing comes out of something you’d smush if you found it on your picnic table.

ALAN

Maybe it means there’s still hope for me.

RACHEL

That’s a little dramatic.

Rachel picks up a twig and tries to coax a butterfly to land on it.

50

ALAN Try living with a “perfect” little sister for 32 years. You’d feel pretty damn smushable.

Rachel turns to Alan.

RACHEL Perfect? Ha! I have the most important meeting of my life in 9 hours, I still haven’t finished reading all of the materials they gave me, and I have no idea what kind of strategy I’m going to recommend.

ALAN But you’ll work until you figure it out. And then they’ll love you. And they should – you’re brilliant.

RACHEL

Thanks, Alan. That’s really sweet. A BUTTERFLY finally lands on Rachel’s twig. Rachel looks at it closely.

RACHEL (continuing)

You know, I think this “Freezer Angels” thing is pretty cool.

ALAN Let’s hope the rest of the country thinks so.

RACHEL But you should really incorporate. How about calling the company “Snot-face, Inc.?”

Rachel smirks at Alan.

ALAN Interesting. I’ll have to talk it over with my lawyer.

RACHEL Who’s your lawyer?

51

ALAN

Some partner at Cretin, Cretin & Cretin.

Alan smirks back. INT. LAW FIRM - CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY The clock reads 12:30. Rachel is giving a presentation at the head of the table, next to Brenda. A conservative business man, WALTER MILLS (53), and his CFO, GARY TURNER (41) listen intently.

RACHEL … and I think you’ll find in the long run, this plan will both protect you from liability, and save you almost a million dollars.

BRENDA Thank you, Ms. Barkin.

Rachel waits for a reaction. Mills turns to Gary.

MILLS Turner, what do you think?

GARY When all aspects are considered with due weight, it seems that—-

MILLS I think it’s damn smart, too.

Rachel smiles in relief.

MILLS Now let’s go have lunch. I’ve a hankering for Szechwan Shrimp. Ms. Barkin, you choose the place.

RACHEL

The Golden Pavilion got a great review…

52

Margaret the weird secretary pokes her head in the door and WAVES HER ARMS at Rachel.

RACHEL …or, uh, there’s a place on Maple that has good, uh, noodles.

Margaret starts mouthing the word “URGENT.” But now, the whole room notices.

MILLS I think this gal’s trying to tell you ladies something.

BRENDA

I said hold my calls, Margaret.

MARGARET No, it’s for Rachel.

(to Rachel) It’s your daughter. She says there’s an emergency, and you should come home right away.

Brenda is surprised. And none too pleased.

BRENDA You have a daughter?

RACHEL No. Well, yes. Sort of. For now. I’m going to get rid of her eventually.

MILLS Good luck. My son came back from college, and I still can’t get him to move out of the pool house.

BRENDA

You’ll have to tell us more over lunch.

Brenda gives Rachel a “warning” look.

MARGARET (to Rachel)

The girl sounded very upset.

53

Rachel turns to Mr. Mills.

RACHEL I’m sorry, but I better go.

As Rachel leaves the room, Brenda GLARES at her.

MILLS (calling after)

Don’t worry. If there’s any shrimp left over, we’ll save it for you.

EXT. RACHEL AND BEN’S HOUSE – DAY Rachel pulls up the driveway and gets out of the car. She’s finds Alan frantically DIGGING THROUGH A GARBAGE CAN.

RACHEL What happened? Is Angela hurt?

ALAN My new pupae are somewhere in here.

Rachel stops and stares.

RACHEL (furious)

That’s the emergency I rushed out on my client for?

ALAN Ben threw them away.

RACHEL (panicked)

Oh no!

Rachel rushes into the house.

INT. RACHEL AND BEN’S HOUSE - FRONT HALL – DAY Angela is marching towards the front door with her SUITCASE and POSTERS. Rachel stops her.

54

RACHEL Whoa, whoa. Hold on a minute.

ANGELA Mr. Martin is scary. I’m going to South Where-ever to stay with Florenza.

RACHEL No you’re not. I’ll take care of it. Where is he?

ANGELA In the kitchen.

Rachel heads toward the kitchen.

ANGELA (calling after)

Be careful!

INT. RACHEL AND BEN’S HOUSE - KITCHEN – DAY Ben is going through the refrigerator, throwing out LITTLE BOXES OF FRUIT PUNCH.

RACHEL You weren’t supposed to come back until Tuesday.

BEN I finished early so I could surprise you. I guess the surprise is on me.

RACHEL

I can explain everything.

BEN Good. Because I’d like to know why there are caterpillars on my porch and fruit punch in my refrigerator and someone else’s kid in my guest room.

RACHEL But I can’t promise you’ll like it…

55

INT. RACHEL AND BEN’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM – LATER Rachel, Alan, and Angela sit on the couch as Ben paces back and forth in front of them.

BEN

So how long were you planning to keep this charade going?

ANGELA Until I turn 18. Or have an Initial Public Offering. Whichever comes first.

RACHEL Wrong. We’ll tell Mom the truth when she’s strong enough to hear it.

BEN (thinking)

You mean, if she hears about it too soon, it might kill her?

RACHEL Ben!

Ben stops pacing. He has a plan.

BEN Here’s what we’re going to do. We’ll get the doctor to examine her. Today. And if he says she’s well enough, then Rachel, you have to end this.

ALAN I don’t care what the doctor says. My butterflies aren’t moving.

ANGELA And I’m not going to summer camp. They make you take group showers.

RACHEL Ew.

ALAN I hated that.

56

BEN Me too.

(then) We’ll figure the rest out later. First, let’s get an expert opinion.

(to Rachel) Right?

RACHEL (reluctant)

Right. INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE – DAY Ben and Rachel sit in front of the doctor’s desk. Hannah sits in her wheelchair next to them. Doctor Patel is reading a CHART. He turns to Hannah.

DR. PATEL Mrs. Barkin, I have never seen a recovery like yours. You are one extraordinary woman.

HANNAH

Thank you, doctor. I’ve been telling my children that for years.

Ben turns to Dr. Patel.

BEN So does this mean she’s strong? If she, say, hears something shocking, it won’t threaten her health?

HANNAH (to Ben)

Why? Did your business go bankrupt? I can’t say I’m surprised, with the way you waste paper clips.

BEN My business is just fine, Hannah.

RACHEL

But she’s not completely well. She still needs a wheelchair.

57

DR. PATEL Yes, there was some muscle degeneration during the coma.

(to Hannah) Mrs. Barkin, you will require physical therapy for quite some time.

Rachel turns to Ben. Her expression says, “See?”

DR. PATEL (continuing)

However, your overall condition is quite good.

Ben turns to Rachel. His expression says, “No dice.”

DR. PATEL (continuing)

In fact, with assistance, you’ll soon be able to live at home.

HANNAH (to Rachel)

You hear that? I’m a free woman.

Rachel gives her mother a wan smile. INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE - WAITING ROOM – DAY Rachel enters. Ben wheels out Hannah, slightly brushing the wall with her wheelchair.

HANNAH Ben, dear, my medical insurance doesn’t cover the doctor’s wallpaper. You must push more gently.

BEN

I’m doing my best. Angela and Alan are waiting for them. Angela is reading “BUSINESS WEEK.” Alan is skimming “HIGHLIGHTS FOR KIDS.” Ben NUDGES Rachel.

RACHEL Mom, there’s something I need to tell you. In private.

58

HANNAH

Is it good news?

RACHEL Not exactly.

HANNAH Then save it for later. I want to celebrate. Sadie, darling, we girls are going shopping.

ANGELA

Cool! Rachel shoots Ben an APOLOGETIC LOOK. INT. SHOPPING MALL – DAY Angela pushes Hannah’s wheelchair. Rachel struggles with several LARGE SHOPPING BAGS. Angela stops in front of an ERGONOMIC DESK CHAIR STORE.

ANGELA Can we look in here?

HANNAH Anything you want, darling.

Rachel sees this as her chance.

RACHEL Go ahead. We’ll be there in a minute.

Angela heads inside the store. Rachel takes a deep breath.

RACHEL (continuing)

Mom, you need to know that—-

FEMALE VOICE (O.S.) Hannah Barkin? I don’t believe it!

It’s Hannah’s friend Susan Frank. With Susan are her husband Jerry and her grandsons ETHAN (8) and JEFF (5). The adults ad lib greetings.

59

JERRY

We had no idea that you were… up.

HANNAH Up and about. I’m taking my gorgeous granddaughter shopping.

SUSAN (to Rachel)

You have a daughter? Why didn’t I hear about it?

RACHEL The birth announcement must have gotten lost in the mail. Damn postal system.

Hannah turns to the Chair Store.

HANNAH (calling out)

Sadie, darling, come out and say hello to my friends the Franks.

Susan pulls Ethan and Jeff in front of her.

SUSAN These are our grandsons, Ethan and Jeff. Ethan’s studying French.

(to Ethan) Ethan, sweetie, count to 100 in French for Mrs. Barkin.

ETHAN Un. Deux. Trois…

As Ethan continues to count, Angela joins them.

HANNAH Sadie knows sign language.

Angela and Rachel exchange panicked looks.

FLASH BACK TO:

60

INT. NURSING HOME - HANNAH’S ROOM (PRESENT) – DAY Hannah lies unconscious. Rachel notices the CLOSED CAPTIONING on the TV.

RACHEL Maybe someday Sadie will be an interpreter for the deaf. She already knows “The Star Spangled Banner” in sign language.

CUT TO:

INT. SHOPPING MALL - DAY

HANNAH Show them, darling.

Angela hesitates, but Rachel nods “go ahead.” Angela half-heartedly fakes some sign language. In subtitles, we see she’s signing, “donkey tree kick you.”

SUSAN How cute.

(then) Jeff has his yellow belt in karate. Do a chop for them, honey.

JEFF It’s not called a “chop.”

SUSAN Then do one of those kicks you were practicing in the car.

Jeff does a KARATE KICK, and accidentally kicks Jerry.

JERRY Ow!

Susan helps Jerry sit down on a bench.

HANNAH So nice to see you, Susan. Jerry.

(to Rachel) Let’s get a bite to eat.

61

RACHEL Excellent idea.

ETHAN Vingt et deux. Trente et vingt…

Rachel and Angela wheel Hannah away.

HANNAH (disapproving)

Some grandparents don’t know when to stop.

INT. SHOPPING MALL - FOOD COURT – MOMENTS LATER Rachel wheels Hannah up to a table. Hannah opens her purse and hands Angela a TEN DOLLAR BILL.

HANNAH Here, darling. Go buy a snack.

Angela takes the bill, then hesitates.

ANGELA Do I have to get carrot cake?

HANNAH Of course not. Get a chocolate milk shake if you like.

Angela happily skips over to a nearby ice cream stand.

RACHEL Mom, there’s something I have to tell you.

HANNAH Actually, there’s something I’ve been meaning to say to you, too. I’m concerned about Sadie.

RACHEL Concerned?

62

HANNAH Yes. She seems to be forgetting things. I think she’s not getting enough sleep. What time are you putting her to bed?

RACHEL She gets into her pajamas at 8:30, and it’s lights out at 9:00.

HANNAH That’s much too late. Lights out should be 8:00.

(then) You know, she’d sleep better if she ate more vegetables.

RACHEL You’re the one who just told her to buy a chocolate milkshake.

HANNAH That’s a special treat. But you should be serving her at least five fruits and vegetables a day.

RACHEL We have vegetables with every meal.

HANNAH Maybe she’d eat more of them if her hair wasn’t always in her face. She’d look so pretty with braids.

RACHEL Anything else? Is the bristle count on her toothbrush too low?

HANNAH Don’t be defensive, sweetheart. I’m just trying to help.

They sit together uncomfortably for a moment.

HANNAH (continuing)

What was it you wanted to tell me?

63

Rachel considers her mother for a moment.

CUT TO: INT. RACHEL AND BEN’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM – EVENING Ben and Alan are watching a baseball game on TV. Rachel and Angela enter. Angela sugar crashes on the couch. Ben MUTES THE TV.

BEN How’d she take the news?

Rachel BURSTS INTO HYSTERICAL TEARS.

ALAN That bad?

BEN

Come on, honey. It’ll be okay. Ben gets up, hugs Rachel, and walks her into the kitchen. INT. RACHEL AND BEN’S HOUSE - KITCHEN – EVENING Ben pours Rachel a cold glass of water and hands it to her.

BEN Here, drink this.

Rachel sips a little water. She manages to stop crying.

BEN (continuing)

She must have been angry, huh?

RACHEL (sniffling)

I… I didn’t tell her.

BEN You didn’t? Then why are you crying?

RACHEL She thinks I’m a bad mother!

Rachel starts CRYING again.

64

BEN

Rachel, that’s ridiculous. You’re not actually a mother.

RACHEL But if I were, my kid would be tired, malnourished, and have messy hair.

Rachel really start BAWLING now.

BEN That’s not true. I’ll prove it.

Ben walks Rachel back to the living room. INT. RACHEL AND BEN’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM – EVENING Alan and Angela are watching the TV. Ben takes the REMOTE and TURNS IT OFF.

ALAN Hey! It’s the bottom of the ninth.

BEN Guys, what do you think? Isn’t Rachel a good mother?

ANGELA But she’s not actually a mother.

BEN I know that. But if she were one, she’d be really good. Right?

Ben gives them both a MEANINGFUL LOOK.

ALAN Yeah, she’d be great. Like Mother Theresa. Can you turn the game on?

BEN Angela?

ANGELA (to Rachel)

I’d be psyched if you were my mother.

65

Rachel STOPS CRYING.

RACHEL Really? That’s so sweet.

Alan CLEARS HIS THROAT at Ben, who tosses back the remote control. Alan turns back on the TV.

RACHEL

(continuing) Then, why would Mom say all those mean things to me?

BEN

That woman’s mind is a mystery.

RACHEL You know what: She has no right to talk to me like that. I don’t have to take it. I’m a grown woman.

BEN That’s right. And now you’re going to go tell her the truth about Sadie.

RACHEL No. I’m going to beat her at her own game. I’m going to throw the perfect birthday party for my little girl.

(determined) And then we’ll see who’s a good mother.

Rachel stalks off.

ANGELA But my birthday’s in December.

INT. LAW FIRM - RACHEL’S OFFICE - DAY Rachel sits at her desk, with a legal file open. On her computer is a Web site about CHILDREN’S BIRTHDAY PARTY RENTALS. A INSTANT MESSAGE FROM BRENDA pops up on Rachel’s computer screen.

66

Rachel panics and closes the Web site.

Brenda’s message reads: “COME TO MY OFFICE NOW.” INT. LAW FIRM - HALLWAY - DAY Rachel finds Margaret seated at her desk outside Brenda’s closed door. She looks up at Rachel.

MARGARET She’s finishing a call.

Rachel nods. Then she gets an idea.

RACHEL You know, that cake you made for Alexa’s baby party was delicious. Could I get the recipe?

MARGARET Oh no, it’s top secret. Loose lips sink chocolate chips.

Rachel is disappointed.

MARGARET (continuing)

But I could make a cake for you.

RACHEL That’d be terrific.

(then) Would it be shaped like a baby?

MARGARET I can do any shape you want. Unicorn. Robot. Iguana.

Margaret’s phone BUZZES. She answers, then turns to Rachel.

MARAGARET She’s ready for you.

Rachel heads for Brenda’s door.

MARGARET (calling after)

Rhode Island. Halogen Lamp.

67

INT. LAW FIRM - BRENDA’S OFFICE - DAY Brenda is seated behind her desk.

RACHEL I’d just like to say that I am very sorry about lunch yesterday. It won’t happen again.

BRENDA

Good. Brenda gestures for Rachel to take a seat.

BRENDA (continuing)

Mr. Mills was extremely happy with your work. As was I. In fact, the firm would like you to attend this year’s strategic retreat.

RACHEL Does that mean I’ve made--

BRENDA No. But we don’t invite just anyone.

(then) The retreat is the weekend after next.

Rachel’s FACE FALLS.

BRENDA (continuing)

Is there a problem?

RACHEL My, uh, daughter’s birthday party is that Saturday.

BRENDA I see.

RACHEL

I’d change it, it’s just that I already told my mother…

68

Suddenly, Brenda’s demeanor changes. She becomes almost human. She even SMILES.

BRENDA Ms. Barkin, I understand.

RACHEL You do?

BRENDA Of course. After all, this is a family-friendly, non-discriminatory work place. Enjoy your party.

Brenda returns to her work.

RACHEL (confused)

Uh, thanks.

Rachel awkwardly gets up and heads for the door. INT. LAW FIRM - HALLWAY - DAY Rachel closes the door behind her. Margaret looks up.

MARGARET

Everything okay? RACHEL

She smiled at me.

MARGARET (with pity)

I am so sorry. INT. RACHEL AND BEN’S HOUSE - FRONT HALL – EVENING Rachel carries in a stack of PARTY PLANNING BOOKS.

RACHEL Sadie?

Sadie THE DOG runs up, but Rachel pushes her aside.

RACHEL (continuing)

Not you.

69

The dog whimpers. INT. RACHEL AND BEN’S HOUSE - KITCHEN – EVENING Rachel goes into the kitchen, where she finds Angela sitting glumly. Rachel spreads her books out in front of Angela.

RACHEL There you are. I found some party ideas you’re going to love.

Angela is picking from a large PLATE OF BROCCOLI.

RACHEL (continuing)

What are you eating?

ANGELA Grandma Hannah said I need more vegetables, or else I’ll grow up with poor digestion.

RACHEL Here’s a little secret: Grandma’s been constipated for 40 years.

Angela pushes the plate away.

RACHEL (continuing)

Now, I came up with the perfect theme: “Little Ballerinas.”

ANGELA Can’t we do something more fun, like “Fortune 500?”

RACHEL “Little Ballerinas” is lots of fun. You’ll see, Sadie: This will be the best birthday party ever.

ANGELA I’m Angela. Remember?

70

RACHEL Of course. I was just speaking metaphorically. Besides, there will be tons of kids coming…

ANGELA (coming around)

And they all have to play with me?

RACHEL All party long.

Angela likes that idea.

RACHEL (continuing)

I made a hair appointment for you tomorrow at noon. And afterwards--

SFX: Front doorbell rings

RACHEL That must be the Party Rentals guy.

Rachel heads to the front door. EXT. RACHEL AND BEN’S HOUSE - BACKYARD – EVENING Rachel leads a beefy PARTY RENTALS GUY into the backyard. He holds a COLORFUL BROCHURE of a kid’s birthday party.

RACHEL I’d like the mini-golf to go back by the fence.

PARTY RENTALS GUY

No problem.

RACHEL And I thought the bouncy house could go over there.

Rachel points to one corner of the yard.

PARTY RENTALS GUY Not with those tree branches. Very unsafe.

71

The guy scopes the backyard.

PARTY RENTALS GUY (continuing)

The only spot I see working is there.

The guy points directly at ALAN’S BUTTERFLY SHED.

RACHEL Where the shed is?

PARTY RENTALS GUY Yep. Remove the shed, and you’ve got yourself the perfect bouncy house location.

Rachel considers this. Through a shed window, she sees Alan at work. Then, her eyes fall back on the guy’s brochure. On it is a SMILING GRANDMOTHER.

RACHEL

Then that’s what we’ll have to do. Rachel shakes the guy’s hand.

BEN (O.S.) There you are.

Ben is walking towards her, accompanied by a CLOWN.

BEN (continuing)

This, uh, person was waiting for you on the front porch.

RACHEL You must be Mr. Giggles.

Rachel offers her hand to Mr. Giggles, who instead tips his hat and HONKS HIS HORN at her.

BEN

Rachel, I need to speak with you.

RACHEL I just have a few things to tie up.

72

BEN

Now.

Rachel turns to the party rentals Guy and the Clown.

RACHEL I’ll be right back.

Rachel follows Ben inside the back door. INT. RACHEL AND BEN’S HOUSE - LAUNDRY ROOM – EVENING Ben shuts the door behind them.

BEN This has gone far enough.

RACHEL We could hire a magician instead.

BEN You know what I mean. It’s not too late to cancel the party. We’ll take that Mexican vacation. You’ll relax, and clear your mind.

RACHEL No. I’m having a birthday party for Sadie.

Ben takes Rachel by the shoulders.

BEN Listen to me: This won’t solve anything. You could marry the perfect husband, have 27 children, and throw the best birthday party in the world. But your mother will still want something more.

Rachel breaks free from Ben.

RACHEL You just don’t like my mother. You never have.

73

BEN I admit, I think she’s a little difficult.

(a beat) A lot difficult. But that doesn’t matter. You can’t live your life trying to win her approval.

RACHEL You’re wrong. You’ll see. After this birthday party, she’ll think I am the best daughter in America. On Earth. In this galaxy.

Rachel opens the back door.

RACHEL (continuing)

Now if you’ll excuse me, I don’t want to keep Mr. Giggles waiting.

Rachel exits, letting the back door slam behind her.

ANGELA (O.S.) Are you getting divorced?

Ben turns to see Angela in the doorway. She clearly has been eavesdropping.

ANGELA (continuing)

My Mom and Dad screamed at each other a lot, and then they got divorced.

BEN

Rachel and I are having some marital challenges. But we’re both very committed to this relationship.

Ben sees that Angela doesn’t understand.

BEN (continuing)

No. We’re not getting divorced. Although I might try to divorce her mother.

74

ANGELA Good. I like you guys.

(then) Wanna play Monopoly?

Ben is about to turn her down, then reconsiders.

BEN Okay.

Ben follows Angela.

ANGELA I’m gonna build hotels on Park Place. My Mom says the luxury market is always a sure bet.

INT. BEAUTY PARLOR – DAY Angela sits in a chair as a bored looking STYLIST examines her hair. Rachel watches from the side.

STYLIST What do we want today?

ANGELA Black and curly – like Oprah.

RACHEL I was thinking more of a short “bob.”

ANGELA What’s that?

The Stylist picks up a STYLE BOOK, flips to a page, and shows Angela.

STYLIST

Like this one here. ANGELA

That doesn’t look like Oprah. Rachel cranes her neck to look at the book.

75

RACHEL I had that exact haircut when I was your age. My Mom said I looked just like Princess Diana.

ANGELA Princess who?

RACHEL Doesn’t matter. I think it would be adorable on you.

STYLIST So we will do this cut, yes?

Rachel and the Stylist wait for Angela’s answer.

ANGELA (reluctant)

Okay. INT. DINER – DAY Angela - with her new haircut - sits in a booth across from Rachel. They have just finished lunch.

RACHEL I’m going to run to the restroom. If the waitress comes by, make sure she leaves the bill.

Rachel leaves the booth. Angela picks up a SPOON and uses it as a MIRROR to examine herself while she TOSSES HER HAIR. An older WAITRESS comes up and starts clearing the table.

WAITRESS Nice hair, but Prince Charles is already taken.

ANGELA Prince who?

The waitress chuckles. Angela checks her hair out a little more.

76

ANGELA

(continuing) I just got it cut. The stylist said I look like a different person.

WAITRESS They always say that, but you still come home to a lazy husband and a truckload of debt.

(then) Is your Mom ready for the check?

ANGELA Oh, that’s not my Mom. That’s just the lady who pretends to be my Mom.

Now, the waitress is curious.

WAITRESS What do you mean, pretends?

ANGELA She brought me to live at her house.

WAITRESS (suspicious)

Really?

ANGELA And she changed my name from Angela to Sadie.

Just then, Rachel comes back to the table. The waitress eyes her with mistrust.

RACHEL

Do I pay here or up front?

The waitress hands the bill to Rachel.

WAITRESS Here’s fine. I’ll need to see some I.D. with your credit card.

Rachel pulls out her wallet.

77

RACHEL That’s okay, I’ve got cash.

Rachel puts some money on the table, then turns to Angela.

RACHEL (to Angela)

Come on. Alan’s going to think you ran away.

ANGELA (to Waitress)

Bye!

Rachel and Angela head out to the car. The waitress watches them through a window. As they drive off, the waitress WRITES DOWN RACHEL’S LICENSE PLATE NUMBER. INT. NURSING HOME - HANNAH’S ROOM – EVENING Rachel finds Hannah sitting at a small table.

RACHEL Hi, Mom. I brought the extra invitation you asked for.

Rachel hands Hannah a BALLET-THEMED PARTY INVITATION.

HANNAH Oh good. I thought it would be nice if we asked Susan and Jerry to bring their grandsons.

(beat) I don’t imagine those boys are invited to many parties.

RACHEL I better get going. Planning the perfect party takes dedication.

Rachel starts to leave.

HANNAH Just a minute. I want to show you something.

78

Hannah opens a jewelry box. She takes out a SMALL GOLD CHAIN with a DIAMOND PENDANT.

RACHEL It’s beautiful.

HANNAH

My mother gave this to me when I gave birth to my little girl. She got it when I was born. And now I want to give it to you.

Hannah holds out the NECKLACE, but Rachel hesitates.

RACHEL I, uh, I can’t take that mom. You see, there’s something--

HANNAH

I already know.

RACHEL You do?

HANNAH

Of course. Sadie is adopted.

RACHEL Adopted?

HANNAH It’s pretty obvious. If you’d given birth to her, your stomach would pooch out even more than it already does.

RACHEL Hold on--

HANNAH And it’s no surprise that Ben wasn’t up to the task. But it doesn’t matter to me. Sadie is still my precious granddaughter. So wear this with all my love.

Rachel takes the necklace and puts it on. Hannah smiles, then hands Rachel the JEWELRY BOX.

79

HANNAH (continuing)

Now, you’d better put this back in the closet. Those Alzheimer’s patients have sticky fingers.

Rachel walks to the closet and opens it. Inside it’s almost cleared out, except for several BULGING SUITCASES.

RACHEL Are you going somewhere?

HANNAH I’m moving in with you, sweetheart. I’ll bring my things with me when I come over for the party.

RACHEL

Wouldn’t you be happier in your own house? We kept it exactly the way you left it.

HANNAH Living with you and Sadie is the only thing that will make me happy. It’s what I wished for on my birthday.

(then) Unless you don’t want me around.

RACHEL No, no. I, uh, can’t wait.

INT. RACHEL AND BEN’S HOUSE - MASTER BEDROOM – MORNING Rachel and Ben are asleep in their bed. SFX: The ALARM CLOCK goes off. Rachel’s eyes pop open.

RACHEL

Party time. She sits up and turns off the alarm. It’s 5:30 AM. Rachel gets out of bed. Ben rolls over and covers his head with the comforter.

80

EXT. RACHEL AND BEN’S HOUSE - BACKYARD – HOURS LATER The backyard is a girly-girl’s dream: there’s a PINK BANNER reading “HAPPY BIRTHDAY SADIE,” a PINK TABLE with PINK LEMONADE, PINK BALLOONS, and even a PONY IN A PINK TUTU. A WORKMAN is carrying away the REMAINS OF ALAN’S BUTTERFLY SHED, while the Party Rentals Guy inflates a BALLET-THEMED BOUNCY HOUSE where the shed used to stand. Rachel is busy inspecting their progress.

RACHEL (to Workman)

You did let all the butterflies out first, right?

WORKMAN Sure, lady.

The Workman scrapes some DEAD BUTTERFLIES off the bottom of his boots.

SFX: A HORN HONKS behind Rachel Startled, Rachel turns around and sees Mr. Giggles. The clown is WEARING BALLET TIGHTS in keeping with the theme. The effect is, well, quite creepy.

RACHEL I’m thinking pants might work better for you.

MR. GIGGLES

Thank god. These tights are riding up my crack.

Mr. Giggles heads for the house. As he opens the back door, SADIE THE DOG COMES RUNNING OUT. Sadie runs to the pony and barks. The pony is scared, and STARTS TO KICK. The PONY TRAINER tries to calm it down.

PONY TRAINER

Easy, Butch. RACHEL

Bad dog! Sadie, come!

81

Sadie runs to Rachel, who carries her inside. INT. RACHEL AND BEN’S HOUSE - HALLWAY – DAY Rachel puts Sadie in a bathroom.

RACHEL Stay!

Rachel shuts the door. From behind it, Sadie whimpers and scratches at the door.

SFX: Front doorbell rings Rachel goes to open the front door. EXT. RACHEL AND BEN’S HOUSE - FRONT PORCH - DAY It’s Susan and Jerry Frank with their grandsons, Ethan and Jeff. Rachel kisses them hello. They hand her a PRESENT.

SUSAN For Sadie. Hope she doesn’t have it already. It’s “Sign Language For Dummies.”

RACHEL

I doubt it. The party’s around back. There’s a clown and a horse.

ETHAN

“Un comique de cirque et un cheval.”

Susan and Jerry smile proudly, and head around back. Two VANS pull up and park in front of the house. Out pop Alan’s director friend Bernard, along with 20 little girls from his production of “Annie.”

BERNARD (proclaiming)

The king and his maidens arriveth! Where art the festivities?

RACHEL

Just…

82

(nodding at Ethan)

…follow the kid speaking French.

Bernard and his crew follow the Franks.

Rachel closes the door and walks back down the hallway. INT. RACHEL AND BEN’S HOUSE - HALLWAY – DAY Rachel KNOCKS on the closed guest room door.

RACHEL

Sadie, the guests are here. Sadie?

There’s no answer, just BARKING from down the hallway. INT. RACHEL AND BEN’S HOUSE – GUEST ROOM – DAY Rachel opens the door to find Ben PLAYING MONOPOLY with Angela. Angela is dressed in her ballet outfit.

BEN That’s $350.

ANGELA I’ll give you $100 and Marvin Gardens.

Ben considers the deal.

RACHEL It’s time to go outside.

ANGELA But I’m about to crush Ben.

RACHEL You can crush Ben later.

(then) There’s a pony waiting just for you.

Angela looks at Ben, who nods “okay.” She runs out.

RACHEL Why don’t you come outside, too? It’s your daughter’s birthday.

83

BEN I already told you, I want nothing to do with this.

SFX: a CAR HORN honks from outside Rachel goes to the window and sees that it’s Alan, who has driven Hannah over. Ben looks out the window, too, and sees ALAN TAKING OUT HANNAH’S LUGGAGE.

BEN What are all those suitcases for?

RACHEL (ignoring Ben)

I better go help.

Rachel starts heading towards the door, but Ben stops her.

BEN Rachel, answer me.

RACHEL I might have, sort of, agreed to let my mother move in with us.

BEN Are you insane?!

(then) Don’t bother answering.

Ben storms out.

RACHEL Ben, wait!

Ben keeps going. EXT. RACHEL AND BEN’S HOUSE - FRONT YARD - DAY Rachel follows Ben out, past Alan lugging a suitcase and Hannah supervising.

HANNAH Ben, dear, take one of my bags.

84

Ben ignores Hannah and gets into his car.

RACHEL (to Hannah)

I’ll help, Mom. Ben is just, uh, going to pick up some ice.

(whisper to Ben) How could I say no to her?

BEN

How could you say yes?! I’ve been patient, but this is over the line.

HANNAH (to Ben)

Get the kind made from filtered water. It tastes better!

Ben starts up the car.

BEN (to Rachel)

Call me when you come to your senses.

Ben drives away.

HANNAH (calling after)

And try to get cubes, not spheres. (to Rachel)

Do you think he heard? Maybe I should call his cellular phone.

RACHEL He heard. Come on, I want you to see the party.

Rachel starts wheeling Hannah towards the party. EXT. RACHEL AND BEN’S HOUSE - SIDEYARD - DAY Rachel wheels Hannah along the side of the house. Susan drags over little Jeff, who has WET HIS PANTS.

85

SUSAN (urgent)

Is there another bathroom? There’s a line for the porta-potty, and Jeff really, uh, needs to go.

RACHEL

Inside, on the left.

SUSAN Thanks, dear.

(to Jeff) Come along.

Susan drags Jeff towards the house.

HANNAH (triumphant)

Now we know how he got his Yellow Belt.

Rachel suddenly remembers about the dog.

RACHEL (calling after)

When you open the bathroom door, don’t let Sadie out!

Hannah gives Rachel an odd look, but lets it pass. EXT. RACHEL AND BEN’S HOUSE - BACKYARD - DAY As Rachel wheels her out, Hannah spots Angela on the pony.

HANNAH Happy birthday, Sadie darling!

Angela smiles and waves.

ANGELA Hi, Grandma Hannah!

Hannah looks around at the celebration. She is impressed.

HANNAH (to Rachel)

What a wonderful party.

86

RACHEL So you like it?

HANNAH I couldn’t have done it better myself.

For Rachel, that is the ULTIMATE COMPLIMENT.

RACHEL Guess that makes me a pretty good mother, right?

Before Hannah can answer, Alan comes up and joins them.

ALAN This is quite a shindig. Hope you’re keeping the kids away from…

Alan’s eyes fall on the BOUNCY HOUSE.

ALAN (shocked)

…my Freezer Angels?

RACHEL I’m sorry, but can we talk about this later?

ALAN You killed my butterflies! And all so you could throw this… Potemkin Birthday Party!

HANNAH I thought the theme was ballet.

Rachel notices Margaret walking into the back yard, carrying a BALLET SHOE-SHAPED CAKE.

RACHEL There’s Margaret with the cake. We better go help.

Rachel wheels Hannah away from Alan, towards Margaret. HANNAH

What a beautiful cake.

87

MARGARET Thank you. I used red velvet cake to make the toe look like it’s bleeding under the shoe.

Hannah is disgusted.

MARGARET (to Rachel)

Sorry I’m so late. I had to stop by the office. I have extra work to do now that they’re making Tim a partner.

Rachel is stunned.

RACHEL Tim? Partner?

MARGARET You didn’t know? They took him on the retreat this weekend, but they’ll make the official announcement Monday.

Alan marches up to Rachel.

ALAN (to Rachel)

You betrayed me. And my dreams.

RACHEL Not now, Alan.

HANNAH Is something wrong, sweetheart? I mean, aside from the gory cake.

RACHEL Nothing’s wrong. And that cake looks delicious. In fact, let’s cut it now. Where’s the birthday girl…?

Rachel looks around, but ANGELA IS NOWHERE TO BE SEEN. Susan and Jeff are returning from the side of the house.

RACHEL (to the crowd)

Has anyone seen Sadie?

88

SUSAN

She’s on the front porch. Crying.

RACHEL I’ll go get her.

(to Margaret) Could you please light the candles?

HANNAH Do you need me to help with Sadie?

RACHEL No! I’ll take care of it myself.

EXT. RACHEL AND BEN’S HOUSE - FRONT PORCH - DAY Rachel finds Angela hugging her knees and crying in a corner of the front porch.

RACHEL Sa–- Angela, what’s wrong?

ANGELA You made me get this stupid haircut!

RACHEL It’s not stupid. It’s adorable.

ANGELA No, it’s stupid. The other girls said I look like, like… like a boy!

Rachel looks at Angela, with her pink outfit.

RACHEL Maybe a chorus boy…

(then) Who cares what they think. It’s your party.

ANGELA Then can I make them leave?

RACHEL Look, just go blow out the candles and eat some cake. And then, we’ll call it a day. Please? For me?

89

ANGELA

(reluctant) Fine.

EXT. RACHEL AND BEN’S HOUSE - BACKYARD – DAY Two POLICE OFFICERS walk up to Mr. Giggles.

OFFICER #1 Excuse me, sir, we’re looking for Rachel Barkin.

MR. GIGGLES She’s right over there.

Mr. Giggles HONKS HIS HORN at the back door, which Rachel and Angela are just coming out of. Sadie the dog tries to run out the door, but Rachel stops her just in time.

RACHEL Sit! Stay!

Rachel walks Angela over to the cake, which Hannah has lit.

BERNARD Hit it, girls.

The “Annie” girls belt out “HAPPY BIRTHDAY” in harmony. They end in a stage pose.

HANNAH Make a wish, Sadie.

Angela closes her eyes and blows out the candles. The guests all applaud. One of the “Annie” girls turns to her friend.

GIRL #1 She blows out candles like a boy, too.

Angela sure heard that. She turns to Rachel.

ANGELA I hate you!

90

RACHEL

Wait! Come back!

Angela runs inside through the back door… …letting out SADIE THE DOG, who runs straight for the pony, which she barks at… …UPSETTING THE PONY, which starts to kick and jump again.

PONY TRAINER That’s enough, Butch.

HANNAH

Sadie! Sadie, come to Grandma, darling!

Sadie the dog runs over to Hannah and jumps into her lap. Hannah looks at the dog’s collar. HANNAH’S POV: The tag on the dog’s collar reads, “SADIE BARKIN-MARTIN.”

HANNAH “Sadie?”

The two officers walk up to Rachel and show their badges.

OFFICER #2 Ma’am, we’re investigating a possible child abduction.

OFFICER #1 We were given a tip about a young girl with “Lady Di” hair, who got into a car registered to a “Rachel Barkin.” That is you, correct?

HANNAH

What’s going on here?

91

RACHEL It’s just a misunderstanding.

(to officers) My brother can explain everything.

(calling out) Alan, can you help me. Alan?

ALAN

Dream killer. Alan TURNS HIS BACK on her.

OFFICER #2 (to Rachel)

Maybe we should step inside. Just then Angela’s real mother, Veronica, arrives.

VERONICA What’s going on, Rachel? I heard the noise, and saw the police cars…

Angela opens the door and makes a beeline for Veronica.

ANGELA Mommy!

Angela leaps into Veronica’s arms.

ANGELA (crying)

Mommy, I want to go home.

VERONICA It’s okay, baby. It’s okay.

Veronica comforts Angela.

HANNAH Why is my granddaughter calling that woman “Mommy?” Something strange is happening. Rachel, I demand an explanation.

The entire party falls SILENT. Everyone looks at Rachel for an answer.

92

RACHEL Well, I, uh, kinda, sorta… asked the girl from next door to pretend to be my daughter. But I did it to make you happy.

HANNAH I don’t believe it. Oh, my little Sadie.

Hannah FANS HERSELF, as if she’s about to pass out.

RACHEL Not again.

Sadie the dog sees her opportunity. She jumps out of Hannah’s lap, runs to the Pony, and barks at it… …upsetting the Pony, which STAMPS HARD on a balloon… …which breaks with a LOUD POPPING NOISE… …causing the policemen to DRAW THEIR GUNS.

OFFICER #1 Nobody move!

The little girls SCREAM. Bernard throws up his arms.

BERNARD I’m too talented to die!

Everyone freezes except Hannah, who reaches down to unlock the wheels on her chair.

OFFICER #2 Ma’am, he said freeze.

HANNAH Go ahead, shoot me. Put me out of my misery. It’s better than having a daughter who lies.

(to Alan) Alan, let’s get my suitcases. I’m going home.

The entire party watches as Alan wheels Hannah away.

93

OFFICER #1

Man, I’m glad this isn’t my family.

EXT. RACHEL AND BEN’S HOUSE - BACKYARD – HOURS LATER The backyard is mostly cleaned up. The party rentals Guy is showing Rachel something on the bouncy house.

PARTY RENTALS GUY See here? That’s horse puckey stains.

RACHEL Fine. I’ll pay the cleaning fee. As long as I never see that thing again.

Rachel heads inside the house. INT. RACHEL AND BEN’S HOUSE - MASTER BEDROOM - DAY Rachel is surprised to find Ben PACKING A SUITCASE.

BEN Rachel, I’ve thought it over, and it’s best for both of us if I--

RACHEL She’s not moving in.

BEN

She’s not?

RACHEL Definitely not.

Relieved, Ben stops packing.

RACHEL

(continuing) In fact, she’ll probably never even speak to me again.

(getting an idea) Unless…

Rachel throws herself back on the bed.

94

RACHEL Let’s just get it over with. Impregnate me!

BEN That’s not going to help.

RACHEL No, it’s brilliant. If I have a baby, Mom will have to forgive me. Plus, they’ve already put me on the “Mommy Track” at work, so I can take off as much time as I want.

(grabbing Ben) Come on, gimme your “Grandma bait.”

Ben pulls away.

BEN As tempting as that offer is, no. Having a baby isn’t a solution. It’s a commitment. For both of us. And I don’t think the time is right.

Rachel sits up.

BEN (continuing)

Look, if you want to have a relationship with your mother – a real, adult relationship – then you know what you have to do.

Rachel considers her options.

RACHEL You’re right.

(then) Why don’t I listen to you more often?

BEN You can’t listen to me all the time. I’m your husband.

RACHEL Good point.

95

EXT. MOM’S HOUSE - FRONT DOOR – DAY Rachel stands at the front door. She rings the bell with determination. Alan opens the door part-way.

RACHEL Let me in.

ALAN Sorry, but there aren’t any more butterflies for you to murder.

Rachel pushes past Alan. INT. MOM’S HOUSE - FRONT HALL - DAY The house is unchanged from seven years earlier.

RACHEL Where’s Mom?

ALAN Wouldn’t you like to know.

RACHEL Alan, I’m sorry about the butterflies. But I like it when we get along. So what’s it going to take for us to be friends again?

Alan considers his sister.

ALAN She’s in the dining room.

INT. MOM’S HOUSE - DINING ROOM – DAY Rachel finds Hannah at the table, flipping through the PHOTO ALBUM. She removes a DOCTORED PHOTO with Angela. Rachel places the NECKLACE on the table in front of her.

RACHEL Mom, I’m sorry. I should never have lied to you.

96

Hannah looks up at her.

HANNAH I accept your apology.

(then) But it’s too late. I won’t move in with you now, even if you beg me.

Rachel can’t help herself. She BURSTS INTO LAUGHTER.

HANNAH What’s so funny? What?

Rachel sits down next to Hannah.

RACHEL You know, I thought I invented a granddaughter to make you happy. But the truth is, I did it for me. I wanted to feel close to you.

HANNAH We are close.

RACHEL I know. And that’s why when you tell me my hair is messy, or my clothes are wrong, or that I should be having a baby, it hurts. Badly. But I’m not your little girl anymore. I’m a woman. And you need to treat me with respect, even if you don’t always agree with my choices.

Hannah starts CRYING.

HANNAH I’m a failure as a mother!

RACHEL No you’re not. You’re the most amazing mother on this planet. In fact, sometimes I think I shouldn’t even bother having a baby, because I’ll never be as good as you.

97

HANNAH Yes you will.

RACHEL How do you know?

Hannah looks her daughter in the eye.

HANNAH Because you’re an extraordinary woman.

Hannah and Rachel hug.

RACHEL Too bad they don’t think that at work.

HANNAH Those idiots? They don’t deserve you.

RACHEL Maybe you’re right.

HANNAH Of course I’m right!

Hannah hands the NECKLACE back to Rachel.

HANNAH (continuing)

You keep this.

RACHEL Really?

HANNAH Really. Who says you have to do exactly what your mother did?

Hannah and Rachel smile at each other. INT. MOM’S HOUSE - FRONT HALL - DAY Rachel heads for the front door.

ALAN (O.S.) A ticket to Hawaii.

Rachel stops, and turns around to see Alan.

98

RACHEL

Huh?

ALAN That’s what it’ll take for us to be friends.

RACHEL What about your butterfly business?

ALAN Honestly, I’ve been thinking about switching fields. You know, coconut fiber is the material of the future.

RACHEL

No, I had no idea. Alan chews Rachel’s ear off about coconut fiber as she goes to her car. INT. LAW FIRM - HALLWAY – DAY Rachel charges towards Brenda’s office. But she stops short when she hears a voice from the CONFERENCE ROOM.

BRENDA (O.S.) Frankly, Tim, you’re the only associate here who’s shown the kind of dedication we need.

Furious, Rachel flings open the door. INT. LAW FIRM - CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY Rachel bursts in and unleashes her wrath on Brenda.

RACHEL How can you say that after all the work I did for Mills? And Ingersoll? And every other client I sweated blood over for the past seven years?

Rachel stops. She now sees not only Brenda and Tim, but also 14 MALE LAW PARTNERS - all staring at her.

99

BRENDA (ice cold)

This is a private meeting.

RACHEL Sorry.

Rachel starts to leave, then changes her mind.

RACHEL (continuing)

You know what? I’m not sorry. You should be sorry. Because I’m a damn good attorney. And nothing can change that, not even the fact that once in a while I want to go home early, or take a vacation, or throw a birthday party for my fake daughter.

PARTNER #1 Now hold on a minute. Nobody here doubts your skills.

TIM

(under his breath)

Just your sanity.

Rachel turns to Tim.

RACHEL You may be happy today, but let’s see you 20 years from now, when you’re still working night and day. You’ll grow an enormous gut from sitting at your desk, and your hair will fall out from lack of natural light.

A BALDING PARTNER immediately touches his head to make sure nothing more has fallen out.

RACHEL (continuing)

Eventually, your children won’t remember your name, and your wife will leave you for her yoga instructor.

Everyone’s eyes shift to a man at the end of the table.

100

PARTNER #2

Technically, I left her first.

BRENDA Ms. Barkin, I presume this means you are no longer interested in being a part of this firm.

Once again, all eyes are on Rachel.

RACHEL You’re right. Because there’s a big part of me that has nothing to do with being a lawyer. And you can’t have it.

Rachel turns around, stomps out of the room, and slams the door behind her. INT. LAW FIRM - HALLWAY – DAY Rachel BUMPS INTO SOMEONE. Hard. It’s Walter Mills.

MILLS I guess this means our meeting is cancelled.

RACHEL

(embarrassed) You heard that?

MILLS Helen Keller heard that.

(then) Say, any chance I could buy you a plate of Szechwan Shrimp?

INT. CHINESE RESTAURANT – DAY Rachel and Walter Mills across from each other at a table.

RACHEL

It’s a very flattering offer.

MILLS Of course it is. In-house counsel for Mills Worldwide is no small zucchinis. Now what do you say?

101

RACHEL

I have some conditions.

MILLS Let’s hear ‘em.

RACHEL One: I’m only at the office to work. No “face-time” or fooling around. Two: If there’s a family emergency, I go take care of it, no questions asked. And three: I don’t just earn vacation days. I get to use them.

Rachel sits back and waits for his response. Mills washes down his shrimp, then looks her squarely in the eye.

MILLS You know, I could hire 100 morons who’ll live at the office, but I don’t want to run a moron warehouse. Welcome to the company.

Mills sticks out his hand. She shakes it.

MILLS (continuing)

Now when can you start?

RACHEL In three weeks. There’s someplace I need to go first.

EXT. MEXICAN BEACH RESORT - DAY A BIKINI-CLAD RACHEL lies on a chaise on an almost empty beach, next to Ben. They are both sipping PINA COLADAS.

RACHEL This is the life.

BEN Yep, nothing but quiet.

RACHEL No one asking when dinner’s ready.

102

BEN Or trying to sell you Marvin Gardens.

They fall back into silence, sipping their drinks. Suddenly, Rachel sits up. In the distance, she sees A GIRL splashing in the waves.

RACHEL Isn’t that girl way too young to be playing alone like that?

Ben sits up and follows Rachel’s gaze.

BEN She’s at least 10. And look: Her parents are right behind her.

They watch some more.

RACHEL That’s so funny. She just put a piece of seaweed on her Dad’s head.

BEN Uh oh. Mom’s gonna splash her.

They stare at the HAPPY FAMILY PLAYING IN THE SURF. Ben turns to Rachel.

BEN Wanna…?

RACHEL …Go upstairs?

BEN My thoughts exactly.

The two get up and hurry back toward the hotel. As they walk, Ben kisses Rachel.

CUT TO:

103

EXT. RACHEL AND BEN’S HOUSE - FRONT PORCH – DAY Angela - her hair now longer – sits on the front porch playing with Sadie the dog. TITLE OVER: “NINE MONTHS LATER” Rachel’s car pulls up and parks in the driveway. Angela opens the screen door and yells inside.

ANGELA They’re here! They’re here!

Alan comes out, holding a BUNCH OF HELIUM BALLOONS. Alan holds the door for Hannah, who is now WALKING WITH A CANE.

HANNAH Angela, why don’t you hold the balloons.

ANGELA Thanks, G.H.

Ben and Rachel come up the walkway holding a BABY CARRIER. Inside is a tiny newborn, BABY SID.

RACHEL (to the baby)

Look Sid, everyone came to meet you. Even Uncle Snot-face from Hawaii.

Alan leans over to see the baby.

ALAN Hey there. You’re kinda cute, considering who your Mom is.

Baby Sid SPITS UP.

BEN Ugh. Honey, you better wipe his face.

Rachel gives him a look.

BEN (continuing)

Never mind. I’ve got it.

104

Ben grabs a towel and wipes Sid’s face. But now, Sid starts CRYING.

HANNAH Let me hold him.

(re: Rachel) If it’s okay with you.

RACHEL Of course it is.

Rachel places Sid in Hannah’s arms. RACHEL

(continuing) Sid, this is your Grandma Hannah.

BEN

Rachel, have you seen his blue blanket?

ANGELA Maybe Sadie ate it.

RACHEL

I think we left it in the car. ALAN

Too bad you don’t have a baby blanket made of Velcro.

(then) Hold on. That’s brilliant.

While they discuss the blanket, Hannah rocks Baby Sid.

HANNAH Hello, my darling. I know the world seems big and scary. But in no time at all, you’ll be using your hands. And then you’ll start walking. And then you’ll learn to talk.

Baby Sid stops crying. Rachel smiles at Hannah, then turns away. Hannah leans in close to Baby Sid.

105

HANNAH (whispering)

And then, you’ll tell your Mommy and Daddy to make you a baby sister.

As his devoted Grandma dotes on him, Sid falls asleep.

FADE OUT:

THE END