Yesterday, Today & Tomorrow

Yesterday, Today & Tomorrow Volume 13 Issue 2 June 2016

ABN: 412 610 911 81

Founded in England by Rev Simon Stephens 1969

Australian Founders Lindsay & Margaret Harmer, 1978

WA Patron Graham Mabury OAM Cit WA FECU BA

(Hons) Grad. Dip. Ed.

Our Grateful thanks to Mandurah Scooters for the sponsorship of this Newsletter.

21 Rafferty Road

Mandurah

Ph 9586 3866

Welcome

When a newly bereaved parent first makes contact with us I often say that I am so sorry for what

has happened but I am so glad that they have found us. TCF works because of who we are. The vol-unteers who provide the support services to those who contact us have training but they also have

the experience. They too, know the pain of the death of a child, grandchild or sibling. They have

made the journey from the devastation of intense grief to a life which has regained its meaning; a life

which is once more productive and positive with many joys. Their lives are changed and they have

learnt so much along the road.

However they have not forgotten what it was like to be newly bereaved, the words and stories that helped them, the corners they turned and the little achievements which meant they were healing.

These and the many other lessons learnt are now used to help others to walk the grief journey in a

healthy way. As volunteers they are not paid but they willingly “pay forward” the help that they once

received in honour of their children.

Margot McAllister, Mother of Kevin and Nana of Jackson

Breathe

It’s okay. You’re going to be okay. Just breathe.

Breathe and remind yourself of all the times in the past you felt this scared,

All the times you felt this anxious and this overwhelmed,

All of the times you felt this level of pain,

And remind yourself how each time you made it through.

Life has thrown so much at you and despite how difficult things have been you’ve survived.

Breathe and trust that you can survive this too.

Trust that this struggle is part of the process

And trust that that as long as you don’t give up and keep pushing forward

No matter how hopeless things seem…….you will make it.

Daniel Koepke

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Yesterday, Today & Tomorrow

Displays at Bunnings

March

We had two prizes in our raffle at Bunnings on 19 & 20

March; a basket full of chocolate goodies, two bottles of wine

and two handmade Easter cards. The other prize was a gor-

geous “Easter Bunny” decorated cake made by Anna Com-per. The raffle winners were a lady from the RAAFA Estate,

Meadow Springs who chose the hamper. She was due to go

to hospital the following day so this win cheered her up and

she was so happy when I delivered it. The winner of the cute

Easter Bunny cake, is a teacher at Pinjarra High School.

She collected it from me and planned to take the cake in to work to show it off & share with the staff.

With the raffle, sales items and donations we raised over $400. We had some enquiries & several compli-

ments from people who knew about us or had been involved with us. Displays are an effective way of in-

creasing community awareness of our services. One woman who came to buy raffle tickets had seen the

mention on Facebook.

The Bunnings staff are always so very helpful. A huge thank you to the volunteers who manned the dis-

play, Susan, Elsma, Diann, Barbara, Samantha & Margot. Thanks to all who contributed to the hamper and special thanks to Anna for the beautiful cake.

MOTHER’S DAY LUNCH

We had 35 bereaved parents, grandparents and a sibling

attend our Mother’s Day lunch this year. It was lovely to

see new members come along and be met by those fur-

ther forward in their grief journey. Some remembered

others from last year and sat together to continue their

friendship. Everyone was generous in supporting TCF

buying pens & badges, raffle tickets in the major raffle

and tickets in the superb cake raffle. The ladies enjoyed

a 3 course lunch and beautiful singing from one of our

Mums. We thank everyone for your generous support,

donations to our raffle, donation from Ani of a beautiful

cake and all the volunteers on the day. Special thanks to Dawn and Madeline for setting up the tables

and presenting the buffet. Our sincere thanks go to the Soroptimists Mandurah for their generous dona-

tion towards the cost of the catering and to two of their members who washed all the dishes!! Our mem-

bers left knowing they are not alone as they face Mother’s Day, one of the hardest days of the year and

were asked when they light a candle to cast their minds back to this beautiful gathering and the friends

who can say “I know how you feel”.

Tina Pearce

May A second display was held at the beginning of May with a raffle basket of items suitable for Mothers Day

gifts. Several people took pamphlets to give to friends who might need TCF support. This was again a

good way of distributing our information and increasing community awareness of our services. With the

sale items, raffle and donations this was a good fundraiser. Many thanks to all who contributed raffles

items and to those who volunteered their time to man the display. If anyone would like to assist at dis-

plays please contact Margot on 9535 7761.

Margot McAllister

PR Manager

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Yesterday, Today & Tomorrow

“A Walk to Remember” 13 March 2016

Dalrymple Park is a perfect venue for our annual memorial walk. The trees provide shade and with the

breeze from the estuary it is cool even on the hottest of days. Unfortunately the Mandurah MLA David

Templeman was unable to attend but our lovely Mayor Marina Vergone stepped in to officially start the

walk. That was after our President Gary withers welcomed everyone and the P.R. Manager Margot McAl-lister acknowledged our sponsors.

These were:

City of Mandurah Coogee Chemicals Lions Club of Mandurah Mandurah Soroptimists

Mayday Op Shops Simplicity Funerals Westpac Bank

We have so many people to thank for making this a lovely event. Piper, Viv Riley, once again led the

walk to the MPAC getting the attention of everyone on the foreshore. Richard Frew was busy taking

photographs to record many aspects of the day. Our TCF volunteers welcomed everyone, tended the reg-

istration table, collected the pledges, sold the TCF items and gave out the name ribbons, hearts and

bottled water. The Last Drop Tavern donated a $100 voucher for a meal & drinks. This was raffled by Eddie Pearce & friend Peter. We had paintings donated by the Armadale Art House which we used for a

silent auction. This was a first for us and was successful.

Overall we achieved the three aims of the walk. It was a meaningful memorial event with people wearing

the name ribbons, carrying the hearts on the walk then planting them on return to Dalrymple Park.

People there for the first time were able to chat with similar others and were welcomed by those who’d

attended before.

Financially we raised much needed funds , mainly due to the sponsors named above and we are very

grateful for that support.

Finally, we did increase community awareness of our services and this was due to the publicity in newspapers and radio stations, the wide distribution of our flyers and word of mouth as individuals

sought pledges.

THANK YOU

Again many thanks to Mandurah Muscateers for their invaluable assistance with our computer equip-ment.

To Soroptimists Mandurah for their kind donation and time assisting in the running of our Mother’s

Day Lunch.

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Yesterday, Today & Tomorrow

Grandparent Grief - Child of My Child

My grandchild has died.

I move in the shadow of sorrows,

In grief of my own

And in the pain of grief of the others.

Child of my child—

Your death brings unspeakable sadness,

The ultimate darkness of loss

No remedy yet for the living.

Child of my child-

Can I bear two of these mournings,

The wounds from the grief of my own,

And the grief for your parents,

My children?

Where do I find solace and courage

To give them the comfort and hope

You would want me to give them?

I sense that my heart has an answer:

For you, I will help them recover

For you, I will keep myself hoping

For you, we must reach out for life,

Child of my child.

Sascha 2003

GRANDPARENTS GRIEF

Grandparents’ grief at the death of their grandchild

may be deep and complex. They are overwhelmed

by the death and their own children’s pain and an-

guish.

The hopes and dreams they have for the young family have been shattered.

For some grandparents there is a strong need to do

anything they can which might be helpful.

They feel a sense of helplessness, nothing that they

do will bring the baby back and they are also una-

ble to take away the pain of the parents.

The most useful role that grandparents can play is

to respect the privacy of the parents and allow

them to grieve in their own way, yet at the same time always be available.

Grandparents need their own supporters to enable them to openly express their feelings about the loss

of their grandchild as well as their feelings about

the parents and the other children.

A Beginning…

One day you wake up and realise you must have survived because you are still

here, alive and breathing.

But you don’t remember the infinitely small steps

and decisions you took to get there.

Your only awareness is that you have shed miles of tears on what seems to be

an endless road of sorrow.

One day, one glorious day,

you wake up and feel your skin tingle again.

And you forgot, just for an instant, that your heart is broken…

And it is a beginning

...by Susan Borrowman

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Yesterday, Today & Tomorrow

Why not join us as a friend on Facebook? If you have something special you would like to share, please email to the office and we will post on the main page with your first name only.

THOSE LEFT BEHIND

In the aftermath of the suicide of a family member

or friend comes shock, denial, anger, depression,

loneliness and profound sense of loss. The death

is the more shocking when, as often, it is unfore-seen - or when a severely damaged body is found

or when identification is necessary. Denial of the

nature of death of young children or adolescents

by parents, even on the finding of a suicide note,

compounds an initial denial. Anger (Why did he . .

. ?) with corrosive guilt (Why didn’t I...?) focuses on the loss, and the loneliness is deepened when

baffled friends have difficulty and cannot extend

consolation or support, a silence that is felt as the

stigma that is attached to suicide. With terrible

irony, just when a father and surviving siblings, (grieving in their own loneliness), need familial

support, the loneliness of a mother is isolating or

manifesting as over-protectiveness of the siblings.

Parents can feel shame, even blame, at their self-

perceived failure as parents, and mothers are par-

ticularly prone to depression after the suicide of a child.

In contrast to the quiet gathering at a deathbed of

one with chronic illness is the death of an adoles-

cent or young adult suffering from severe mental

illness, with the final hopelessness of suffering not always known to the other members of the family,

but when it is, some families, already in turmoil

with members emotionally drained, experience

both loss and some relief. Severe mental illness is

one of the conditions that predispose young indi-

viduals to kill themselves. Depression is at the

heart of most suicides. How can those left behind be helped? There are many ways: the support of

family and friends, religious faith, the passage of

time, psychotherapy and counselling.

An effective way has been through the establish-

ment of local self-help support groups. These groups enable those who have experienced the

suicide of a member of their family to get together

and exchange support, information and encour-

agement to build a meaningful future. From lis-

tening to others who have survived comes learn-

ing to survive and do better in life. The Compas-sionate Friends is one such group, indeed to pro-

vide this help is the mainspring and role for its

existence and actions.

Trevor Faragher

TCF – Vic

You’re Here, Now You’re Gone

You’re here.

Now you’re gone.

It went just that fast.

Where’d it begin? Where’d it end?

Like a flash of lightning in the sky.

So bright and full of life.

Now gone and full of emptiness.

How’d it start? Why didn’t it stop?

No one knows, but everyone cares. Your spirit is flowing in the air.

You’re not here, but you’ll never be gone.

You will always rise with the morning dawn

You hold my heart

It will never be torn apart.

… by Catherine Ludlow, in memory of her sister, Cynthia, who died by suicide on June 24, 1993.

Reprinted from Obelisk, Vol. 15, No. 45, a publication of Catholic Charities LOSS Program,

Chicago, Illinois.

Grandparents are a special gift

Grandparents are a special gift

That God gives to each child.

Their love outshines the brightest star...

Their love can never be defiled.

Oh, but when a child becomes an angel,

Grandparents feel the pain and sorrow.

Beyond any pain they've known in life...

Or will ever come to know tomorrow.

For a grandparent holds a special love

For the child their child has had.

And, to lose what they hold dear...

Leaves them heartbroken and sad.

Their legacy is their grandchildren...

So how can they learn to survive?

Will the dreams of their tomorrows Somehow be kept alive?

Yes, a grandparent is a survivor... And life has taught them how to be.

For their wisdom, courage & love

Is carried from them... to You & me.

Author Kaye Des'Ormeaux

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Yesterday, Today & Tomorrow

The Bridge

Nothing can prepare you for the devastating aftermath of the suicide of your child.

On 26 March 2007, my beloved only child, my 18 year old son Alex, jumped from a pedestrian overpass

onto a freeway in front of an enormous refrigeration truck, and was mangled.

He was not a drug user; his toxicology tests revealed there was very little alcohol in his system. He died because he could not endure the unbearable emotional pain that life was for him ... the reasons many.

I remember, and I could see when it started. As a mother I fought to protect him from the pain of life

right until the very end. Both he and I were helpless to change some of the structures, mentalities, cruel-

ties, and hurdles that are part of this life as we know it, and that the majority are able to learn from. Not

he; he was too sensitive, too strong in his beliefs, creative, too needy for love.

For those left behind, for me in order to survive, it is essential to release the often intolerable grief with

whatever means are available. It is essential to communicate to the world what I am feeling, because at

times it is so surreal that I am lost.

Feelings of sinking into a hole, enveloped by an eerie silence, I could die there where I stand. Other times,

like a pressure cooker about to explode, I need a safety valve, a release to stop me from exploding. There are times again, when out of nowhere I will cry or even scream out his name, this usually when I am

driving on the freeway.

Sometimes I miss him so much I go into his untouched room, searching for his smell, then

collapse, like a tortured animal wailing.

Thoughts

‘Saving Alexander’ from himself – his sensitivity, his strong sense of righteousness, his ethics, his hones-ty and growing insecurities ...Saving him from the archaic society he was born into, became my daily rit-

ual … my mantra.

Did I fail him? Or did I save him?

Footprints in the Sand: A Symphony of Grief: Following the tragic loss of her only son to suicide, Laura Tomei has crafted a book that may break your

heart, but will deepen your understanding of grief.

Born from a determination to seek the truth in life and death, this is a story offering hope

to those who grieve the loss of a loved one.

Loving Lifted from TCF - VIC Newsletter

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Yesterday, Today & Tomorrow

TCF Membership Reminder

Annual Membership Fee is now $20 and is due on 1st July. This is only payable after the first year of bereavement.

This can be paid by cash, cheque, money order or directly into The Compassionate Friends Mandurah,

Westpac BSB 036-157, Acc No 225050.

About Our Volunteers

Volunteers are the heart and soul of TCF and without their help we would not be able to support be-

reaved parents in the way we do. People volunteer for many different reasons; some like to be busy, some

have spare time, others want to meet new people or learn new skills. At TCF, most people tell us they

want to volunteer because they want to 'put something back'; they know how much support they re-

ceived when they needed it. At TCF support is a two way street. Whilst you are volunteering and helping

others, you usually find that you are also helping yourself. Take the time to read the story, which speaks for itself.

LAST ACCEPTANCE DATE FOR SUBMISSIONS TO THE NEXT ISSUE WILL BE

WEDNESDAY 3RD OF AUGUST.

Help Needed

Two volunteers have been busy with sorting out our resource library, cataloguing etc. Some of our re-sources are older media type and we have several VHS video tapes which can no longer be used. Is there

anyone who can help us by converting them to DVD or CD form?

Please contact the office if you can assist us.

Margot McAllister, PR Manager.

National Awareness Day

On 15 June 1979 the first support group of the Compassionate Friends in Australia was held in Victoria.

We commemorate this by holding awareness events in our community in the week surrounding that date.

We have booked displays at Bunnings Mandurah, Mandurah Forum Shopping Centre and Silver Sands

Shopping Centre. Several static displays will also be held at libraries in the region. If you can help in any

way to man a display, ask your local library if we can hold one there, or contribute items to help make up

raffle baskets, please contact the office on 9535 7761.

THANK YOU ROBO

A small morning tea was held on May the 11th. to farewell Rosemary Boyd.

At its conclusion, Rosemary was presented with a small gift and card as a token of

appreciation for the work she has done for TCF - Mandurah. After almost three years as our office assistant, Rosemary will be going to work

with her son.

We wish her every success in her new venture.

Gary Withers - President TCF Mandurah

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Yesterday, Today & Tomorrow

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Yesterday, Today & Tomorrow

I do not ask that you forget your dear departed.

I want you to remember.

I only ask that you remember more than the moment of death,

More than the funeral,

More than the house of mourning.

Remember Life! Remember the whole Life,

Not the final page of it.

By Rabbi Maurice Davis.

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Yesterday, Today & Tomorrow

SUPPORT GROUPS

Bunbury Coffee Morning

When: Held as required

Contact: Wendy Ph: 97250153 or centre 95357761

Evening Support Group

When: June 2nd, July 7th. And August 4th.

Time: 7 to 9p.m

Where: Eastlake Church crn Lakes Road and Murdoch Drive, Mandurah

(Opposite Peel Health Campus) Contact Centre 95357761

Metro Groups: - TCF WA PH: 94868711 for details

Rockingham Coffee Morning:

When: T.B.A. Contact the Centre 95357761

Bereaved by Suicide Group

Dates: June 17th., July 15th., and August 19th.

Time; 9.30 a.m. to 12.30

Where:- Main meeting room Lotteries House, 7 Anzac Place, Mandurah

Contact: The centre on 95357761

Did You Know?

In our quiet room we have a library which contains a selection of books on many grief related topics. There are also a number of video & cassette tapes, DVDs, CDs and other items. These are all available to

borrow free of charge. Some of the books are written by professionals and others by bereaved parents,

siblings or grandparents. We are constantly purchasing new items for the library so call in and see

what’s available.

We welcome donations of books which have proven to be helpful.

Members can also come in and spend a quiet time reading or listening to music (or both).

Changed Your Contact Details Please let us know if you have changed your telephone number or your address, or if you would

like your newsletter e-mailed.

UNSUBSCRIBE If you no longer require the newsletter please e-mail or phone to cancel.

LIBRARY

NEW ARRIVALS.

The following books have been graciously donated to our library:-

AFTER THE DARKEST HOUR by Elizabeth Mehren

THE BEREAVED PARENT by Harriet Sarnoff Schiff

GONE BUT NOT LOST by by David W. Wiersbe

And WHEN LIFE IS CHANGED FOREVER by Rick Taylor

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Yesterday, Today & Tomorrow

Telephone Friends - The Compassionate Friends

Please call a telephone friend whenever you need to talk “We need not walk alone”

Siblings

BUNBURY Russ 9797-0625 Mandy 0413-168-301 BUNBURY Wendy 9725 0153 Bereaved Fathers BUSSELTON & Judy 9764-1232 Gary 9593 2317 DONNYBROOK Sue 9764-1262 Phil (Evenings Only) 9525 3340 Russ (Bunbury) 9797 0625 KOJONUP Roberta 9833-6232 Suicide MANDURAH Drop-In-Centre 9535-7761 Margot (Centre) 9535 7761 or (a/h) 9582 8113 MANDURAH After / Hours 9582-8113 Russ 9797 0625 MANDURAH Rosemary 9535-9054 NARROGIN Keith & Kathy 9881-4152 WARNBRO Barbara 0433-816-445 Miscarriage/Infant/Stillbirth

Joanne 0403 336 392 or 9535 7092 TCF WA Drop-In-Centre 9486-8711 (After 6pm & Weekends) Lisa (before 8pm) 0428-615-066

TCF Interstate and Overseas Contacts

Telephone Web Site

ACT/QUEANBEYAN (02) 6286-6134 www.thecompassionatefriends.org.au/ACT.htm NEW SOUTH WALES (02) 9290-2355 www.thecompassionatefriends.org.au NORTHERN TERRITORY (08) 8927-1320 QUEENSLAND (07) 3254-2657 www.compassionatefriendsqld.org.au/ SOUTH AUSTRALIA (08) 8351-0344 www.compassionatefriendssa.org.au TASMANIA (03) 6261-4250

VICTORIA (03) 9888-4944 www.compassiontefriendsvictoria.org.au UNITED KINGDOM (08) 451 20 37 85 www.tcf.org.uk UNITED STATES OF AMERICA www.compassionatefriends.org SOUTH AFRICA http://compassionatefriends.org.za/cms/index.php?index SWITZERLAND www.verin-regenbogen.ch CANADA www.tcfcanada.net/

Some Internet Resources

www.dougy.org National centre for grieving children & families; this is a non-profit re source

www.grieflossrecovery.com Poems, articles, memoirs, memorials, links - professional site

www.silentgrief.com For those who have suffered a miscarriage and later child loss www.bereavement-poems-articles.com www.bereavementmag.com www.alivealone.org For childless parents

www.beyondblue.org.au National depression initiative

www.parentsofsuicide-aunz.com Suicide grief support internet community www.mesotheliomaweb.org Resource information & support

www.gonetoosoon.org A forum for questions, answers and support from others with similar loss.

www.recover-from-grief.com

www.gratefulness.org/candles/enter.cfm?l=eng Light a virtual candle and/or leave a short message

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Yesterday, Today & Tomorrow

Other Useful Contacts

Alcohol & Drug Information Services Free-Call 1800-198-024

Allambee (Sexual Assault Counselling) 9535-8263

angelwasisterstracy@gmail.com Gowns for born still babies 0438-901-791

ARAFMI (Mental Health Carers & Friends Association (WA) Inc.) 9535-5844

- Country Callers Free-Call 1800-811-747

Beyond Blue Depression Helpline www.beyondblue.org.au 1300-224-636

Centre Care 9721-5177

Coroners Counselling Services 9321-2491

Crisis Care Free-Call 1800-199-008

Coronial Enquiries 9420-5200

Headspace.org.au support for people 12 to 25 struggling with mental health issues 1800 650 890

Lifeline 131-114

Mensline Australia; Professional & Online support 1300-789-978

for men.

Mental Health Emergency Response Line Peel Region 1800-676-822

Relationships Australia 9535-5711

Samaritans Free-Call 1800-198-313

Suicide Call-Back Services (SCDS)

- Bereaved by Suicide National Free Counselling 1300-659-467

S.I.D.S & KIDS Western Australia Free-Call 1800-199-466

S.I.D.S & KIDS Mandurah Helen 9535-3804

S.I.D.S & KIDS Bunbury Narelle 0406-630-119

South Coast Women’s Health Services

– Rockingham www.schs.com.au 9550-0900

State Coroner 9425-2900

Peel Legal Services 9581-4511

Palmerston Counselling Services Drug Related 9581-4010

Peel Youth Services / Family Support Officer Tanya

Victim Support Services Rockingham 9527-7699

Youth health Services Rockingham 9527-7464

Widow’s & Widower’s Association Meet Mandurah RSL, 3rd Ave., 1-3pm every 9354-7134 or

Second Monday 9586-1503

Young Widow & Widowers Association Ruth 0407-983-093

Or 9581-8443

If any TCF member has found an agency or counsellor, other than those listed,

to be helpful, please advise us and we will consider their information for inclusion in future issues.

Material in this newsletter is copyright@ The Compassionate Friends Mandurah Chapter unless otherwise indicated. Editor’s Note – Opinions expressed in articles in this newsletter are those of the writers and not necessarily of T.C.F. Man-durah. It is not always possible to publish all articles received. The editor reserves the right to edit any articles. T.C.F Man-durah gratefully acknowledges all contributions to the newsletter, including any of which we have not been able to find copyright disclaimer. Every effort has been made to ensure that this information is accurate and up to date but the Mandu-rah Chapter of The Compassionate Friends will not be liable for any loss, damage or injury arising from any incorrect infor-mation or services listed herein.