YEAR 10 PARENT INFO EVENING

HOW BEST TO SUPPORT YOUR

MID-STAGE ADOLESCENT

~UNDERSTAND THEIR AGE/STAGE

~PARENTING STYLE

~FROM NOW ON . . .

AGE-STAGE* Generation Z (born ‘95) and Generation Alpha (born ‘10) emergent

* global, visual, social and technological

* largest baby boom since the Boomers post war gen, but 2.6 persons/ household

* most connected, educated and sophisticated generations ever

tweens, teens, youth and young adults

* early adopters, brand influencers, social media drivers, pop- culture leaders

* generationally changed – live in an increasingly ageing population

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Time of transition . . .

Separateness Connectedness

• Issues of personal & sexual identity will arise as hormones cascade relentlessly through young bodies

•Sexual experimentation

•Hormones will influence the emotional state of adolescents, and act in concert with social and familial influences.

•Body image issues are on the top of adolescent stress list (recent stats) Anxiety about physical appearance may emerge

•Group Identity: established and relationships will falter and morph – unsettling for girls and competitive for boys; deep need for peer approval; isolation may be experienced; reluctance to be involved in family events

•May be less welcoming of affection from parents

•Use of social networking devices – needs clear boundaries from home; parents could become tech savvy to understand the world of their child.

TASKS OF ADOLESCENCEForming a positive identityEstablishing a set of good friendsBreaking the emotional bonds that bound them to their adult carers

Setting meaningful vocational goals (mid – late stagers)

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Mid Adolescence = LAUNCHING

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“Come to the edge,” he said.They said: “We’re afraid.”

“Come to the edge,” he said.They came.

He pushed them . . .. . . and they flew.

Guillaume Apollinaire

PARENTING STYLES(Diana Baumrind)

Degree of Demand(ingness) (control, expectations, boundaries and limit setting)

Degree of Involvement (close interest, responsive to needs, affection, active interest)

3Permissive

High ILow D

4 Authoritati

veHigh I High D

2Disengage

dLow ILow D

1Authoritari

anLow I

High D

1. Authoritarian (high demand, low involvement) parenting is punitive, lacking in empathy, controlling and unreasoning, and is common but ineffective. These parents ~

*have clear rules, expectations, consequences – consistently enforced & not backed up by reasons or explanations: children must simply obey without questioning*high expectations for children to behave in a responsible & mature manner *expect children to be competent, to perform up to their abilities, to be contributing family members*do not have a wide or flexible experiential or emotional range; provide no room for compromise or verbal negotiation*do not give their children much warmth, affection, validation*are not able to provide necessary emotional support & affection – ambiguous security for children*produce children who are likely to hide any signs of vulnerability (from parents & sadly from themselves),may suffer anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, guilt, aggression and defiance*produce children who are hard working, responsible & successful but whose relational patterns are often conflicted.

 

2.

Disengaged (low demand, low involvement), sometimes known as Dismissive Parents are doing little for their children, whether passively unresponsive or overtly rejecting; this parent says in word and deed “Go away – just leave me alone.” These parents:

*leave children feeling abandoned, feeling that their very existence annoys or disrupts their parents

*have children who adapt by hiding, not making waves, often limiting their ability to form a personal identity

*may be caught up in alcohol or drug problems, may be too self- absorbed to deal with their children’s needs

*may be chronically depressed and unresponsive to their child who grows up feeling invisible, unnoticed, unworthy

*may have a personality disorder

*produce children who will probably be at risk for many problems: antisocial behaviour, drugs, early sexual activity, delinquency

3.

Permissive (low control, high affection) parents do provide warmth and affection; however, they are not able to take a firm stance, consistently follow through and place appropriate controls on children’s behaviour. Permissive parents:

*are indulgent and do not consistently enforce the few rules they may set*allow children the balance of power in the parent-child relationship*are often loving and communicative, but their children are not expected to behave in a mature, responsible manner*produce children who struggle with self discipline to succeed on their own, who may have adjustment problems and experience anxiety , insecurity and depression and other “internalising” symptoms.*produce children who are dependent, demanding and “spoilt”*have children who feel they are not safe and cannot be protected by parents who cannot say “no” to them.*children may develop acting-out or externalizing problems: behaviour problems with school authorities (truanting), with police (reckless driving) or involvement in drugs and alcohol*children do not learn respect for self or others*have children who learn that they can break rules and escape the consequences of their own behaviour, that they do not have to take responsibility for their actions.

4.

Authoritative (high demand, high involvement) produces the most well adjusted children by combining firm discipline with nurturing child care. These parents:

*are loving, consistent and willing to listen to their children

*believe in strict discipline, physical affection and spoken approval

*invite children’s participation in the process of limit setting

*consistently enforce rules which are set

*have reasons and explanations for parental rules

*have high expectations for responsible and mature behaviour

Other styles you might

be familiar with . . .

•Helicopter parents: discourage a child’s independence; too involved in every aspect of their life; hovering over them & swooping in at any sign of challenge or discomfort

•Free Range: encourage children to be independent, make mistakes & explore without always being under close supervision

•Drone: mostly on autopilot, (in contrast to helicopter); can strike at any minute & cause tremendous collateral damage

•Lawnmower: mow down any obstacles in their child’s path

NB: When parents have differing styles, that can become an issue and create a wedge between the parents and the children – communication is crucial

AND – Families are not democracies: they should be benevolent oligarchies.

What about Children’s Styles?

•Children are born with a tendency toward reacting to people and events in specific ways => this preferred way is called “temperament”; numerous different temperaments can co-exist in one household.

•Differences in temperaments can be seen in and from infancy

Researchers have delineated three broad styles of temperament . . .

•Easy Children – calm, happy, adaptable, regular sleepers, eaters, positive mood, curious and interested in new experiences

•Difficult Children – fussy, irregular feeders, sleepers, low in adaptability, fearful of new situations/people, easily upset, highly strung, intense in their reactions

•Slow to Warm Up Children – relatively inactive, reflective, tend to withdraw or to react negatively to novelty; gradually become more positive with experience.

It is the mix or “goodness of fit” between parent and child that matters most – the match or mismatch will

influence harmony.

From Now . . . • It’s never too late to engage with your child – to engage means to build a relationship, while understanding their age/stage tasks, realizing that you are dealing with a “new” person in a way, not the child they once were

•As a teenager gets older the parents become less directional and more influencing/negotiable

•Boundaries can be negotiated (limit setting from EC recommended)

•Parents should model the types of behavior they expect – of their children and their partner – productive coping strategies, fitness, healthy lifestyle, emotional regulation, self-respect, diligence, resilience, optimistic & hopeful thinking, taking responsibility etc

Adolescents need their parents to be parents, not best friends or buddies. (This can come later in life when children are well and truly adult)

Parents need to be united and highly communicative with each other and with their children – model assertiveness, not aggression or passiveness

HOME – always a soft place to fall

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Rules of Engagement•Only argue over things that matter: curfews, respect, threats to family etc. (No one ever died from an untidy room.) Let some things go through to the keeper.

•Keep calm: yelling achieves nothing and produces young people who shout back and become “parent-deaf”.

•Talk while doing other things: walking dog, doing dishes etc.

•Talk less, listen more.•Use humour

•Don’t use ultimatums: they are a trap for you and your child.

•Pick the right moment for both of you and focus on the current situation and what needs to be done.

•Don’t assess their behaviour as if they are adults.

•Be your child’s greatest fan: catch them doing something good!!

•Practice 1:5 rule of feedback (-+)

Other topics of interest:•Protective factors for wellbeing

•Risk factors

•Mental health

•Communication – how to be assertive, how to be an active listener

•Self care

•Family systems

•Further parenting topics

My contact details – 98440344 OR sheryl.moncur@gsg.wa.edu.au

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Acknowledgements

Surviving Adolescents by Michael Carr-Gregg

Saving Our Adolescents by Maggie Dent

Adolescence: a guide for parents: by Carr-Gregg & Shale

What to do when you children turn into Teenagers and You Can’t Make Me by Bennet and Rowe

Growing Great Boys by Ian Grant

He’ll Be Ok by Celia Lashlie

Queen Bees and Wannabees by Rosalind Wiseman

Anything by Steve Biddulph, Andrew Fuller, Michael Carr-Gregg and Maggie Dent

Teenage as a Second Language by Greenberg and Powell-Lunder

Websites and HelplinesParenting WA Line - 6279 1200 (metro) or 1800 654 432 http://www.communities.wa.gov.au/childrenandfamilies/parentingwa/Pages/ParentingWALine.aspx Eheadspace: www.eheadspace.org.auHeadspace: www.headspace.org.auMoodgym: www.moodgym.anu.edu.auReach Out: www.reachout.com.auYouth Beyond Blue: www.ybblue.com.auYouth Zone: www.yourzone.com.auwww.cyh.com South Australia – excellent site

KidsHelpLine: 1800 55 1800

Sane: www.sane.org 1800 18 7263

GSG Website – Counsellor Section where you’ll find this ppt

Thank you for your interest and attention

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Best wishes for a successful launch.