Workplace Survivor: Finding Your Inner Strength to Survive Challenging Co-Workers

Finding your inner strength …Finding your inner strength …

to survive challenging co-workers!to survive challenging co-workers!

WorkplaceWorkplace Survivor Survivor

“Difficult employees are contagious, spreading unanticipated consequences

throughout the organization.”

– Patricia Wiklund author of Taking Charge when you’re not in Control

“My main job was developing people. Of course, I had to pull out some weeds, too.”

– Jack Welch, former CEO of General Electric & author of Winning

- Dale Carnegie, author of How to Win Friends and Influence People 1888-1955

Difficult types Damage caused Difficult drama types & why they do what

they do Characteristics, tick, helpful hints What can be done? What YOU can do?

Finding your inner strength, to survive challenging co-workers :

Difficult people make everyone miserable but also they diminish your effectiveness and the effectiveness of those around you

Every difficult person that you come into contact with is an opportunity for you to grow and develop into a stronger, more resilient and more serene manager [or employee]

… difficult people are everywhere & you just have to learn to get along with them to succeed!

THERE’S A FULL SPECTRUM OF DRAMA OUT THERE …

Backstabber Black hole (clingy

people) Blamer-complainer Bully Busybody Gossiper Kiss up Know it all Liar Loner

Manipulator Martyr Maverick Minutiae monster Narcissist Outlaw Pouter Recluse Slave driver Whiner

Stems from drama in the workplace: Infighting

Job duties not clearly stated Turf wars

Drain energy and deflect the work team from collaborative pursuit of goals

Water cooler talk

Difficult person can: Affect you at all levels

• Drain energy and focus• Impedes getting the job done

Bring you down• Team loses energy, efficiency,

enthusiasm & productivity• Avoidance of the person causing the

problems Complain about you when you aren’t present Compete with you for power Impede your ability to follow through on

promises, etc. Misrepresent you Undermine authority Waste your time!

ComplainerComplainer

CynicCynic

ControllerController

CaretakerCaretaker

Fssdfasd

Feel helpless or like a victim Waffling or indecision Deflects or blames other for their mistakes Complain about you when you aren’t present Whines about anything and everything Can be moody and unpredictable (everyone

walks on eggshells around them) Distance themselves from responsibility by

criticizing those in charge Skilled manipulators

“Nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen”

Can’t stand the thought of being wrong Intolerant of imperfection Filled with fear and apprehension Never taught how to deal with adversity

Blame manipulators (Cynics) & tyrants (Controllers) & share their “poor me” story with a sympathetic ear (Caretakers)

Anticipate mistakes and talk about them upfront

Spread out responsibilities to the team Accept blame when you deserve it Heap praise Cover yourself if the blamer-complainer

targets you Show them that it is ok to make mistakes

(learn lessons from mistakes & can even improve because of them)

Encourage problem solving They can be helpful – when you need a

critical eye to look at a project & they will tell you what’ s wrong

Discounting, sniping, withdrawing They are always right and that’s all you need to

know Tries to control everything Pessimistic Razor sharp tongue & quick wit Disrupts meetings with sarcastic one

liners Love to debate and to keep the

resolution “out there” Usually intelligent and creative

• Like to use as weapons toshred others ideas

• Discussions and brainstorming are a waste of time

“That will never work”

Beneath the bravado• Needy• Vulnerable• Doesn’t think they are good enough• Lacks self confidence

Their superior intelligence anchors their self esteem

Don’t like to admit their shortcomings Detest ambiguity or uncertainty Want recognition as masters in their

field Relishes being the devil’s advocate

Graciously accept the information they share Use the information they share to your team Give them credit Involve them in research and data gathering Possess extraordinary insight, focus and

imagination Cut to the heart of difficult issues and

recognize patterns If they channel their talents (instead of

protecting their turf or attacking others) they can be innovative contributors

Need to be firm and blunt with them Help them release the past, focus on the

present and collaborate at a team

Obsess about winning Has all the right answers Has a hard time giving responsibilities to others Perfectionist Sometimes a tyrant Relies on intensity & aggression to get

what they want Self absorbed, arrogant Desire to be in the spotlight Oblivious to the needs of others Talks over others, attacks ambiguity Might sabotage rising stars in the organization

especially if they make the controller look bad Blunt indiscreet & self-righteous

“Nobody does it better than me!”

They want to be in the spotlight Want the job performed their way They want recognition Rewarded for their efforts Derive meaning & their identity from

their accomplishments

If you mix a Controller with either Cynic or Complainer traits - it creates an ugly combination - crushes any resistance & is virtually unapproachable (similar to a dictator)

Champion efficient & thorough completion of assignments & be tough-minded & resolute under pressure

Give them their own “sandbox” that they can oversee – doesn’t have to be large, something they can call their own

Since they need to be seen as powerful, praise them for their influential presence

Guide them to be empowering rather than domineering

Create a visible scoreboard to track their achievements

They understand boundaries & power – give clear commands & ultimatums

Compliment them publicly

Wants to help others Feel appreciated Live in a stable & calm environment

• Will sacrifice themselves to achieve this! Want to get along Provide for others Take on more than they can do

• Struggles with saying “no” to others Balks at making tough decisions, having difficult

conversations or holding boundaries The compulsive need to please & be indispensable, hinders

collaboration & drains energy Flees from arguments or acts as peacemaker Seem to have an open calendar & limitless energy

• Over-commits themselves

“No no … let me do that for you. I’ll take care of it”

Usually have had a negative experience with conflict & make the unconscious decision to avoid it at all costs

Conflict = loss or rejection Seeks appreciation for serving Want to help others and be recognized

for it Feel driven to rescue

They want to rescue needy co-workers (Complainers) & calm the agitated ones (Cynics & Controllers) = they breed lose-lose co-dependence!

Burnout often happens & they might turn into martyr (Complainer)

Peacemakers Cheerful enthusiasts Genuinely concerned for the well being

of others Great potential for collaboration Praise them often but don’t let them fall

back into their “enabling” patterns Set & uphold limits

Regardless of the type of organization, most leaders often avoid drama in the workplace or deal with it badly

Lack leadership skills to address interpersonal topicsThey are fearful of confrontation making the situation worse

When drama goes unchecked, eventually the A-players will either join in the dysfunction or leave the organization

“Negative math of difficult people” – not really able to calculate – but will cause

turnover (either they leave, they are terminated or

cause another to leave)

It’s easy to fall into the trap & see these faults in your co-workers …

… but you need to see them in yourself as well!!

You can’t fix a problem you don’t see in yourself!

Own your own slips into drama and your own weaknesses

Identify the drama style of the person you are having problems with before you deal with it

Guide others out of drama – know what works with each drama type

BE AUTHENTIC!

What skills should you have:

Authentic behavior 1

Take healthy responsibility for your life (antidote for complaining) Instead of complaining, retreating to accusations, excuses and rationalizations - take responsibility for yourself, rather than correct others!!!


Practice collaboration and creativity (antidote for cynicism)Defensiveness, withdrawal and cynicism sabotages learning - use your intellect, wit and creative thinking to lead to new possibilities and ideas


Empower others and express gratitude(antidote for controlling) Ready to get out of the drama hole? Think about you really want for yourself?


Be caring and set boundaries (antidote for caretaking)

Reframe past events as learning experiences, anchor this learning and release the past

Fresh start – forgive yourself and everyone else

You need to: shift the situation + choose curiosity over drama = healthy responsibility, candor, empowerment and caring

Correct your own dramatic behavior, rather than correct others

Open Curious Collaborative Authentic interactions Fun!!! Address problems cleanly Collaborate on solutions Celebrate successes

Change occurs when the situation is addressed

Do something = Invest in change Do nothing = Cope with the situation (no longer have the right to complain) End the relationship

More options:

Team building activities Staff Days (took personality test) Outside help - local mental health organizations, universities, etc. Human Resources (if your library has one) Grievance committee – library board members

You can only worry about YOU Mentally detach from the drama dynamics of individuals Take a few deep breaths when you are in the midst of dramaNotice your reaction when drama is occurring – rising anger or frustration Make sure you have a mentor or trusted friend to vent to and to guide you (make sure they help you take an honest look at yourself) Know what YOU want Be positive!!! Always connect with people to make them feel better about what they are doing - you will be viewed as a person who truly helps other people Confront resentments head on and directly – don’t talk to everyone else about it – go directly to the source of conflict

You can’t change someone else - so don’t try to! But you can deal with them in a positive way Don’t join forces with others against your boss or other people Don’t become a part of the problem Don’t perpetuate THE PROBLEM!

A drama free office is made up of drama free individuals – starting with YOU!

It’s a choice to work with: Curiosity, candor, courage and appreciation

YOU encourage others to do the same

Help each other avoid dramatic behaviors Blaming, gossip, stonewalling, cynicism, resentment and enabling

Authenticity breeds authenticity (but not always … )

Dramatic behaviors = give a false sense of security and comfort

Authenticity = risks being vulnerable, being betrayed and embarrassed

Strive to be compassionate and understanding towards drama prone co-workers without feeling obligated to rescue them

It begins with YOU! Don’t fall into the drama hole …

Autobiography in five short chapters poem by Portia Nelson

Chapter 1

I walk down the street.There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.I fall in.I am lost … I am helpless.It isn’t my fault.It takes me forever to find a way out.


Chapter 2

I walk down the same street.There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.I pretend I don’t see it.I fall in again.I can’t believe I am in the same place.But it isn’t my fault.It still takes a long time to get out.


Chapter 3

I walk down the same street.There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.I see it is there.I still fall in … it’s a habit.My eyes are open.I know where I am.It is my fault.I get out immediately.


Chapter 4

I walk down the same street.There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.I walk around it.


Chapter 5

I walk down another street.

We fall into “holes” because we’ve been taught to be rightInstead of being authentic!

Finding your inner strength …Finding your inner strength …to survive challenging co-workers!to survive challenging co-workers!

WorkplaceWorkplace Survivor Survivor

Paula NewcomPaula NewcomNortheast Regional Coordinator, PDO, Indiana State LibraryNortheast Regional Coordinator, PDO, Indiana State LibraryPhone: 317-447-0452 │ [email protected] │ http://blog.library.in.govPhone: 317-447-0452 │ [email protected] │ http://blog.library.in.gov

Donovan, Jim, Happy@work. New World Library. Novato, California, 2014.

Evenson, Renee, Powerful phrases for dealing with difficult people. American Management Association. New York. 2014.

Hoover, John, Difficult people, working effectively with prickly bosses, coworkers and clients. Collins. New York, 2007.

Jakes, T.D., The Ten commandments of working in a hostile environment. Berkley Books. New York. 2005.

Puder-York, Marilyn, Office survival guide, surefire techniques for dealing with challenging people and situations. McGraw-Hill. New York. 2006.

Sanderbeck, Andrew, Razorblades for Breakfast, what you can do about mean, sarcastic, argumentative, manipulating and otherwise difficult co-workers, People Connect Institute webinar, http://www.peopleconnectinstitute.com/

Warner, Jim & Kaley Klemp, Drama-free office. Greenleaf Book Group Press. Austin. Texas, 2011.

Wofford, Monica, Making difficult people disappear. John Wiley & Sons. Hoboken, New Jersey. 2012.

Workplace Survivor: Finding Your Inner Strength to Survive Challenging Co-Workers

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