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5-24-12

W.O.M.E.N.~SV Directory

( 1 )



Women-Of-Means Escape Network

Silicon Valley

Ruth Patrick, M

Program Direc

W.O.M.E.N. ~

A Los Altos Community Foundati

Non-Profit Progra

Phone: 650-996-22

Email: [email protected]

Website: www.losaltoscf.org/women



DISCLAIMERS

W.O.M.E.N.~SV’s Domestic Violence Directory contains samples of the many

resources available, obtained from three main sources:

1)direct contact with WOMEN~SV wherein the providers have demonstrated

integrity, competence, and commitment to advocacy on behalf of survivors of domestic violence

2) referral by reputable agencies such as Next Door and YWCA’s Domestic

Violence Support Network

3) clients who have had positive experiences in working with these providers.

W.O.M.E.N.~SV is not guaranteeing a provider will produce a desired result.

It is best to interview several, ask for references, etc. This list is for

convenience only. Many providers are willing to negotiate fees and offer a

sliding scale, flat fee, or reduced rate if you ask.

If you are a provider with expertise in domestic violence and a track record of

committed advocacy on behalf of domestic violence survivors, particularly

those with affluent abusive partners, you are invited to submit your contact

information and/or colleague(s)’ for consideration in this directory to:

[email protected] ; subject heading: “Provider Referral.”

If you have been in a relationship with an affluent abuser, and if you have

been helped by an experienced provider who consistently demonstrated

commitment, competence, and integrity in advocating on your behalf, you are

invited (with their permission) to submit their contact information for consideration in this directory to: [email protected] ; subject heading:

“Client Referral.”

W.O.M.E.N.~SV’s Domestic Violence Directory is designed to continually

evolve as a result of feedback from clients, providers, and agencies. However,

inclusion in the directory is in no way to be construed as an absolute

endorsement for any of the providers listed. Similarly, the absence of a

particular provider is in no way to be construed as censure. Caveat emptor.

As a client, you might consider asking attorneys, consultants, financial planners, etc. if 2-3 of their former clients would be willing to speak with you

about their experiences. Try calling at least 3 references in a category, then

choose the one best suited to your needs. These references may lead you to

others. Please note: therapists may not be able to give references due to

confidentiality.



In summary, this directory serves as a guide and database only, NOT as a

directive. In the end, as a client or provider, you are the one most qualified to

make your own informed decisions regarding who can best serve your needs.

And as a client, you are the one best qualified to make your own decisions

about who to hire and when or whether to leave an unhealthy relationship.



TABLE OF CONTENTS:PART ONE

This DV directory is divided into three parts:

Part 1: Precautions and Suggestions

Part 2: Contact Names and Phone Numbers

Part 3: Educational and Reference materials

INTRODUCTION………………………………………………………..…6, 7, 8, 9

PART ONE: PRECAUTIONS AND SUGGESTIONS

PERSONAL SAFETY AND SECURITY…………………………………......10, 11, 12, 13

LEGAL SUPPORT………………………………………………………….....14, 15, 16, 17

COUNSELING SUPPORT……………………………………………………….….....…18

FINANCIAL SUPPORT………………………….……………………………….………19

VOCATIONAL SUPPORT …………………………………………………….……...…20

EDUCATIONAL SUPPORT………………………………………………………….20, 21

CASE STUDY………………………………………………………….…..…22, 23, 24, 25



PART ONE

INTRODUCTION

Domestic violence cuts across all professions, races, neighborhoods, and income

levels. It can happen to men as well, and in some ways can be even more

impactful, threatening their very identity as a man.

However, in most cases (95% according to the Department of Justice), women

are the targets of domestic violence, and 1 in 4 American women will be a

victim of domestic violence in her lifetime. In fact, the leading cause of death in pregnant women is the ultimate form of domestic violence: homicide.

There are many different types of abuse, including:

• Intimate partner abuse (physical, emotional, sexual, financial, spiritual,

verbal abuse, marital rape, overt affairs)

• Cultural (threatening to have partner deported)• Institutional (abuse by an employer, provider, or legal/academic/

government/mental health/medical “system”)

• Homosexual (threatening to “out” a partner)

• Child

• Sibling (where ordinary teasing escalates into torment)

• Parent (where a parent becomes victimized by the child)

• Elder

Although physical abuse can be devastating, the bruises and scars do eventually

heal over time. But the psychological scars from emotional abuse can last alifetime for women--and for their children as well.

According to Susan Weitzman, Ph.D., in her book on the specific challenges of women in middle-to-upper communities (“Not to People Like Us”), the most

common form of abuse in more affluent areas is emotional.

Without bruises or scars, women may even find it difficult to accept that they are

being abused. It can take years for them to acknowledge that the man who

“swept them off their feet” is now causing them to “walk on eggshells”, waiting

for the next verbal beating. There is also tremendous social stigma attached todomestic violence in ‘nicer’ neighborhoods. It’s “not supposed to happen here”,

or if it does, then the woman is supposed to be able to handle it herself, using her

own resources. Yet she may not have access to those resources. Her abusive partner may control all the assets, even if she works outside the home. And over

time, her self-esteem can be so eroded that she may feel completely trapped and paralyzed, not knowing where to go or who to turn to for help.



In Silicon Valley in particular, her partner’s level of technical expertise around

computers, cell phones, GPS tracking devices, home security systems, webcams,

and other electronics may make it very difficult for her to:

• discreetly research issues such as domestic violence, child custody,

divorce

• make confidential appointments or travel outside the home

• create a safety plan or “exit strategy” without being monitored.

Her abuser’s power and money, his social standing in the community and

influence can also make it hard for her to:

• leave safely

• get a fair settlement

• maintain custody of her children

• ward off attacks against her character, fitness as a parent, andmental/emotional competence.

With little experience of the legal system, she may end up with an attorney

recommended by a friend or one found online who may have no experience or training in domestic violence, the “abusive personality”, or the kinds of

subterfuge and manipulative tactics used by an abuser which can be so at odds

with his public persona as an upstanding, admired, responsible pillar of the

community.

Such tactics include:

• stonewalling—stalling when asked to prepare, file, and sign papers to

move the divorce along

• dragging her back to court repeatedly over frivolous matters to deplete

her financial (and emotional) resources

• filing for a restraining order against her, not because it is warranted, butas punishment or as a pre-emptive strike if he finds out she is planning to

file one

• lying (even under oath), creating false documents in an attempt to win

custody, punish his partner, and avoid child custody payments

• hiring a team of aggressive lawyers who use intimidation and threats in

an attempt to wear her down and make her settle for less than her fair share of the assets

• revealing to the judge psychiatric medications she may be on (in response

to the abuse), in order to cast doubt on her emotional competence,



particularly if there are custody issues

In spite of these “dirty tricks”, skilled legal representation and forensic

accounting can greatly increase a woman’s chances of emerging from her

divorce with a fairer settlement.

And by building a strong network of support, she also has a better chance of preserving her reputation, mental and physical health, career, lifestyle, and

custody of her children.

A common belief among abused women is that they should stay for the sake of

the children. Yet research shows that children’s mental, physical, and emotional

health is significantly impacted by directly experiencing--and even by indirectly

witnessing--domestic violence. According to De Bellis, MD “Childmaltreatment appears to be the single most preventable cause of mental illness

and behavioral dysfunction in the United States.”1

It is not always safe or feasible for a woman to leave an unhealthy relationship.

But if she can manage to find a way out, one step at a time, day by day moving

closer to freedom, then she can stop the cycle of abuse and reduce the chances of

her children growing up with emotional problems or becoming abusers or

victims themselves.

It doesn’t mater where she starts in her journey: one call to a lawyer, onerevelation to a trusted friend, one visit to a support group, therapist or financial

planner: any of these steps can be taken in any order. There is no prescribed

route to escape. For each woman, it will be her own path. It may be created with

help and guidance, but the ultimate direction and timing of it must be of her ownchoosing. Too much has already been decided for her.

It may take years before she is ready. That’s not a sign of weakness, only a signof the fear and oppression she has been living under--of the power and control

her abuser has exerted over her.1

As Evan Stark explains in his book Coercive Control, an abuser uses various

kinds of psychological torture to wear down his partner: isolating her, degrading

and humiliating her, brainwashing her, stripping her of her happiness, freedom,

self-esteem, property, etc.. “These tactics are ongoing and cumulative. Theywear her down over time, corrode her self-esteem, her sense of self, wholeness,

and independence. They are the same kinds of tactics used to wear down

prisoners of war.”

Like a prisoner of war then, she must plan her escape carefully, giving no hint of

her intentions to her abuser. And like a prisoner of war, her life will be at

1website: pubmed.gov. J Child Sex Abuse 2011 Sep; 20(5): 548-87.PMID 21970646



greatest risk once her plans are made known and right after she escapes. Is it any

wonder then, under these conditions, and always under the watchful eye of her

abuser, that it can take years for her to move from deciding to leave, to devisinga plan, to finding just the right moment/opportunity to carry it out? It’s like

being a refugee in a war-torn country. Only that war-torn country is her home.

Yet how liberating at the same time, this idea of taking back control of her own

life. If there is any one first step, this is it: the small, quiet, life-affirming, life-changing decision to begin to take her own power back. Each small decision in

that direction takes her one step closer to freedom--when she’s ready.

To that end, the more she knows, the better chance she has of ending the cycle of

abuse and breaking free. With enough guidance and support, a domestic

violence survivor can greatly increase her chances of leaving safely and going

on to create a healthier life for herself--and for her children.



PERSONAL SUPPORT (SAFETY & SECURITY)

Storage

Where will you keep this directory? With a friend? A safety deposit box? At

work? In a hollowed-out book or a binder labeled “Recipes?” Store all“sensitive” paperwork in a safe location!

Web Cams Hidden web cams can be installed in your home for security purposes, but they

can also monitor your activity. Be careful and discreet! Do your very best not toarouse suspicion.

Personal ComputersYour own activity on your computer can be monitored and traced, so do onlineresearch at a library or on a trusted friend’s computer.

Smart Phones

Cell phone activity can be monitored and an “app” can be placed on your cell phone to track your location in real time and to “clone” and forward copies of

every text you send or receive to your abuser’s phone. Your caller ID feature can be “hacked” by your abuser to make you think you are receiving a call from

your mother, for example, or a trusted friend, when in fact it is your abuser.

Consider getting a new phone without a contract, one that is charged up with a

phone card to avoid a paper trail.

Hotlines

Calls to hotlines are completely confidential. You don’t even have to give your

name. However, the phone numbers will appear on your phone bill. Be aware of which phone will be charged and who will see the bill.

Physical Safety

Do not tell your partner anything in advance about your plans to leave him. You

risk your physical safety and you risk losing access to all bank accounts. Themost dangerous times for you will be when he first learns of your plans to end

the relationship and for the period afterwards ranging anywhere from 2 monthsto 2 years.



Increased Risk FactorsYou will be at even greater risk if

• Your partner is unemployed

• He is dependent upon you

• He is excessively jealous

• He accuses you of having affairs

• He wants to know where you are at all times• He has threatened homicide or suicide in the past• He possesses guns

• He abuses drugs or alcohol

• The violence has escalated in frequency or severity• He has “choked” you in the past

• He is isolated, depressed

Shelter

Consider staying in a hotel or safe house for the initial high-risk period after

your departure. A hotel with a business center can provide you with room and board and some measure of security, as well as headquarters to keep the divorcemoving forward until you relocate.

If you stay in your home and your partner is ordered to leave, change the locks

immediately and install a security system. Even if you are renting and there is a

clause forbidding you to change the locks, a restraining order trumps the rentalagreement, giving you permission to change the locks.

Safety Planning

Refer to the directory for resources in creating a safety plan. A domestic

violence counselor can help you determine which documents and belongings

(books, clothes, photos, furniture, etc.) to take. Make sure you take medications

and prescriptions with you. Consult with your lawyer about how much money towithdraw from joint accounts.

If you intend to file a restraining order, write a complete history of the abuse inas much detail as possible. Your lawyer/legal advocate can help you condense

and refine it.

Documents to Take

Start secretly copying and gathering important documents (tax returns, socialsecurity numbers, bank account numbers--joint and personal for both you and

your partner) and store these in a safe place as well. Take passports, socialsecurity cards, marriage certificate, school records, medical and vaccination

records for you and your children. Take it one document, one small step at a

time, to avoid feeling overwhelmed.



1

This list contains facts we deduced from the deaths we studied. They may

not apply in every situation.

1. Loners - do not have any friends of their own. If they have a friend it is

often someone from their childhood, who hasn’t stayed close to them

2. They will “co-opt” the victim’s friends in an attempt to learn more about

the victim.

3. They are overly possessive, controlling and jealous. They will try to get all

the victim’s friends, family members and co-workers away from the

victim.

4. They control all the finances, even if they don’t work. They control the

victim’s important papers i.e. passports, money or access to money.

5. They are often underemployed or recently unemployed.

6. They often have attachment issues, having lost a parent at an early age.

7. Close to the time of death they will begin to unravel - inability to sleep,

talking about dying, threatening suicide or homicide, extremely upset

about life. While at the same time having the ability to meticulously planthe victim’s death.

8. They will engage in stalking conduct if the victim tries to leave them.

9. Batterers do not mellow with age. Getting older can even be more

dangerous, especially if the victim is in good health and the batterer is not.

10. They become distraught at the discussion of separation.

11. They have had prior unsuccessful intimate relationships.

12. What the batterer wants is primary, nothing else matters, not even

children. Everyone around the victim is at risk.

13. They will threaten homicide and or suicide, do not ignore them.

14. They often have a firearm in the home or access to firearms, call 911 and

ask law enforcement how to have it removed.

1. Santa Clara County Domestic Violence Death Review Committee



Danger Signs--Relationships and Former Relationships2

1. The perpetrator wants to know everything about you from the moment youmeet, i.e., phone numbers, access codes, and computer passwords.

2. The perpetrator does not want you to have a life outside of your

relationship, will try to do everything possible to end your prior

associations and friendships, including relationships with your familymembers.

3. The perpetrator’s intensity scares you but you don’t listen to that inner

voice and try to excuse the conduct. Listen to that voice.

4. All threats must be taken seriously whether or not you feel the perpetrator

has the means to follow through on them, or later makes the excuse thatthey were just kidding.

5. The perpetrator keeps you on an emotional roller coaster.

6. If you have a break up the perpetrator will not accept it and continue to try

to get you back into the relationship. Get a restraining order and make sure

all violations of it are reported to law enforcement.

7. The perpetrator uses force to control you, but tries to pretend they were

“just playing.”

8. The perpetrator will apologize profusely for “bad” conduct but will then

repeat it on another occasion.

9. The perpetrator shows explosive anger that is not proportionate to the

incident.

10. The perpetrator never takes personal responsibility for the rifts in the

relationship, always blames you.

11. The perpetrator has hiding places for items, i.e., guns/deadly weapons in

the home, and you are not allowed in that area.

12. The perpetrator monitors your phone calls, cell phone, text messages,social networks, email and your computer or laptop. They will also

confiscate your important papers.

13. The perpetrator gets too serious in the relationship too soon.

2. Santa Clara County Domestic Violence Death Review Committee



LEGAL SUPPORT

Choosing a Lawyer

1) Domestic Violence Expertise

Make sure you hire a lawyer who has experience dealing with abusive,affluent Respondents who tend to be more litigious. Look for an attorneywho is familiar with all forms of domestic violence, particularly

emotional and financial abuse. Are they familiar with borderline, bi-polar,

antisocial or Narcissistic personality disorders if any of these apply toyour partner? Your partner’s psychological dysfunction and tendency to

blame others is about to get magnified and transferred from the home intothe courtroom. An attorney who has some experience dealing with your

partner’s particular personality type will be much better prepared for the

legal battle ahead.

Ask questions and interview several to find the right fit. Now is not thetime to deny or cover up the abuse. If you are going to get: a) skilled

representation; b) as fair a settlement as possible; c) maintain custody of

your children, it is in your best interest to be as candid as possible.

You may choose to interview a number of attorneys because finding theright fit will be crucial to your case. Your partner may also interview a

broad range of attorneys as an unethical tactic to narrow your choices,since even if there is only one free initial consultation with an attorney, it

disqualifies that attorney from representing the opposing side.

2) Team Approach

Ask the lawyers you interview if they work with a team that includes:• A forensic accountant

• Psychologists • Expert witness• Legal advocate

• Divorce coach

• Parenting coach

• Mediator

• Private judge

A. A forensic accountant can often track down assets and accounts thatyour partner may be attempting to hide.



B. A psychologist or expert witness can interview you to validate your

claims of abuse. They can help determine the extent to which you have

been affected by the abuse and may help validate your fitness as a parent.They can help you prepare for court appearances.

C. Legal advocates can appear with you in court for moral support and help

you prepare pleadings to file for a restraining order. They can offer

support and guidance in legal matters throughout the dissolution.

D. A divorce coach can help you navigate the legal system and prepare youfor what to expect in terms of mediation and child custody evaluation.

3) Estimate

Ask for an estimate of how much the entire dissolution will cost and whatthe attorney requires for a retainer. If you do not have access to funds to

cover the fees upfront, will they allow you to pay in installments or whenthe financial settlement is complete?

New forms FL-159 and FL-319 make it easier to request that attorney

fees be paid by the higher earner. If your husband is the higher earner,

this ruling can help discourage your abuser from taking you back to court

repeatedly to “punish” you by draining your financial (and emotional)resources.

Be careful of this policy being used against you if you are the higher

income earner and your spouse tries to hide assets and make himself look

like the victim--another reason to hire a very skilled attorney and forensic

accountant. (Reference California Family Code 2030 – 2032).

4) Protection of You and Your Children

Do the attorneys you are interviewing have suggestions for keeping yousafe, maintaining custody of your children, protecting yourself against

character assassination (your partner will likely try to prove that you are

unstable/mentally incompetent/crazy)?

Does s/he have strategies to counter your partner’s possible attempts to

prove that you are the abuser and unfit to parent your children? Will you be accused of “failure to protect” for not reporting the abuse and willthis jeopardize custody of your child? How will your lawyer counter

these allegations and what is his/her past history of success in doing so?



5) Documenting the Abuse

Start keeping a journal (make sure it is hidden or stored at a trusted

friend’s) in which you document incidents of abuse with dates.If there are physical injuries, take pictures and include your face to avoid

accusations that they were taken from the internet. Your lawyer will want

to see these.

6) Proof of CharacterShow them your diplomas, work history, record of accomplishments,

school volunteer activities, and other proof that you are a competent adultand caring, responsible parent. Help your attorneys understand your

character and parenting style in order to better defend these qualities,

because they will be subjected to close scrutiny--and possible attack.

The Divorce Process: Three Tracks

Be prepared for your divorce to travel three separate tracks:

• Child custody

• Financial settlement

• Domestic violence

Child Custody

Talk to a legal advocate or lawyer about what to expect in the court

mediation/child custody evaluation portion of the divorce. The decision about

which home the child will spend most time in may be made after an hour and ahalf of observation by a child custody evaluator. You may feel frazzled and

worn down. Your abuser will be on his best behavior. So will your children.

This can make it very hard to get an accurate portrayal of your partner’scharacter and his relationship with you and the children. A divorce consultant

can help with guidance about what to expect and how to prepare for this

important meeting.

Financial Settlement

You may want to discuss with your lawyer the option of hiring a private judge to

expedite the financial settlement portion of your dissolution through JAMS

(Judicial Arbitration Mediation Services). The alternative is the SettlementOfficer Conference (SOC) through a very busy court system which may be less

efficient.



You can use “shuttle diplomacy” to avoid being in the same conference roomwith your partner at JAMS for the financial settlement, at the SOC, and at court

during the family/child custody mediation negotiations.

Domestic Violence

To protect yourself and your children, you can apply for a temporary restrainingorder with the help of your lawyer or a legal advocate. It can often be renewed

for the duration of your divorce. If you or your abuser demands a trial, you mayhave to take the stand and answer questions in front of your partner which can

be extremely stressful. A divorce coach, trained therapist, or legal advocate can

help you prepare.

If you get a temporary restraining order that covers you and your children, makesure the local police station has a copy, along with your work place and your

children’s school.

Include a picture of your partner so staff can identify him and alert you/the

police if he shows up at your work or school. Carry a copy with you at all times.

Family Law Philosophy

The underlying philosophy of the family court system in California is to re-unite

families: to have ongoing and frequent contact between children and both

parents. Yet sometimes it is not in the best interests of the child to have any--even limited--contact with an abusive parent. Post-separation contact has the

potential to give the abuser more opportunities to undermine the child’s

relationship with the non-abusive parent. Make sure your lawyer is aware of

these issues and helps you to plan and strategize accordingly.

If you feel your judge is biased against you for some reason or not well-versed

in domestic violence, one time only and before the hearing , you can request anew judge—a bit of a gamble, but an option to exercise if you feel it is

warranted.



COUNSELING SUPPORT

Choosing a Therapist

Look for a therapist who has extensive experience dealing with:

• all forms of domestic violence, particularly emotional and financial abuse

• the legal system

• the litigious nature of affluent, abusive partners

• child custody evaluation

• Narcissistic/borderline/sociopathic/ ”Jekyll and Hyde” personality (if

applicable)

One form of abuse that can be particularly difficult to deal with is “parentabuse”—where a child begins to imitate the negative behaviors modeled by

his/her abusive parent.

Parenting coaches can help you develop tools and strategies to deal with these

negative behaviors (disrespect, verbal abuse, manipulation, etc.).

Counseling should be undertaken separately--you and your child together or separately but not including your partner. Marriage counseling can actually

make the abuse worse if the abuser decides to punish his partner for revealing

family secrets--or he may use what he learns in therapy to further manipulate his partner.

Beware of well-meaning friends, as well as religious and health care providers,

who recommend marriage counseling or family therapy which includes your

abusive partner. Studies show that this type of therapy is counter-productive andcan do more harm than good, as the abuser may attempt to manipulate the

therapist’s perception of the situation and present himself as the victim. He mayalso decide to punish you afterwards for “revealing family secrets” or daring to

criticize him.



FINANCIAL SUPPORT

Forensic Accountant

A forensic accountant can help trace hidden assets and give you a better chanceof getting a fair settlement. Your lawyer should have a skilled forensic

accountant on his team.

Planning Your Future

Consult with a financial planner, estate planner, accountant, and portfolio

manager to begin planning a secure financial future for yourself and your

children.

You can start to set money aside secretly--for example, by overpaying for groceries to get “cash back” and putting the difference in a separate account with

your name on it. It will be useful to have a credit card in your own name as wellto start building your own credit rating. It will be difficult to rent anywhere

without having some kind of credit.



Sending your child to a therapeutic environment is the opposite of abdicating

your role as parent. It is admitting your child needs more help than you alone

can give. Sometimes the most loving and responsible act you can perform as a parent is stepping back and letting skilled and caring professionals work to undo

the years of damage done to a child’s sense of safety, self-esteem, and ability to

develop and maintain healthy relationships. If s/he had a broken leg, you

wouldn’t try to fix that yourself. Broken families are so much harder to fix!

While your child is still a minor, you can place him or her in a wilderness

program, residential treatment center or therapeutic boarding school with or without their consent. If s/he is unwilling to go, your educational consultant can

refer you to an “escort/transporter” service to accompany your child to

residential treatment safely. After they turn 18, you will unfortunately no longer

have this option. If your abusive partner objects, you can seek a recommendation

from your child’s pediatrician and present that to the judge who may thenoverrule your abuser and get your child and your family the help you need.



CASE STUDY

This scenario combines the stories and characteristics of several survivors to

illustrate how the DV directory can be used by both providers and clients.

Situation

Susan is a stockbroker married to a teacher. They have been married for 30

years. The first 15 were bliss. Then her husband fell into a depression after his parents died, and he slowly became more and more abusive, first towards hiswife, and then towards their 13-year-old son. They went from being a close-knit

and loving family to a broken home full of tension--as well as escalating verbal

and emotional abuse. The 13 year-old son is now beginning to imitate hisfather’s abusive behavior in the way he treats his mother. Susan loves her son

and her husband, but she also realizes now that their behaviors are damaging her self-esteem, her health, and her ability to work and to enjoy her own life.

Susan and her husband have recently separated and he is threatening to “destroy

her” and she will “get nothing”. He is a well-respected member of thecommunity, belongs to several service organizations, and has a strong legalteam. Although his own family of origin is very wealthy, he has recently been

laid off and has done a very good job of hiding all his assets.

Her son has gone from being loving and respectful, and a straight “A” student to

being defiant and verbally abusive, and failing almost every class. He hasrecently started smoking pot and skipping school. Susan has developed high

blood pressure and can’t focus on her business. She will not go to a supportgroup. “Professionals are not supposed to have this sort of problem.”

She already has an understanding, supportive personal therapist, yet his

knowledge of domestic violence is limited. She often wakes up in the middle of

the night feeling panicky or alone and has no idea what to do or who to reach outto. Her friends don’t understand.

When asked what she wants or needs, she responds, “I don’t know. I just know Ican’t go on living like this.” She does not believe her physical safety is at risk.

But she fears the loss of her share of the assets and is very worried about her

son’s future and is finding it increasingly hard to live with him. She doesn’t

know what her options are or where to go for help.



Strategies

1) Hotlines (See PART TWO/PROVIDERS, page 10, 11)

Susan needs someone to vent to, even if it’s late at night. She’s not even sure if her situation qualifies as abuse since she was never beaten. It would be helpful

for her to have someone who:

• can listen to her story with compassion and understanding

• knows all the forms that domestic violence can take

• understands the need for confidentiality• is available whenever she needs to talk

• can help her develop a safety plan if necessary

Here is where the hotline contacts can help. Next Door, YWCA, and CORA all

have free, 24-hour hotlines that Susan can call day or night. And they are staffed

by domestic violence advocates who understand the debilitating nature of emotional and verbal abuse. She doesn’t have to give her name. Sometimes a

client isn’t even looking for an immediate cure, just someone to hold their pain,acknowledge it, and give them emotional support and encouragement. There are

other resources that hotlines can offer as well, such as legal advocacy,counseling, temporary shelter, and help applying for restraining orders.

2) Parenting Coach (See PART TWO/PROVIDERS, page 14)

Susan is having trouble with her adolescent son. He is mirroring his father’s

abusive behaviors and is at risk of becoming an abuser or victim himself when

he grows up. He is clearly already abusing his mother. Susan is having troublesetting boundaries with her son, since these boundaries have already been

severely compromised by her abusive spouse. This is where a parenting coachcan help by giving her specific tools and strategies to change the negative

behaviors and work towards restoring peace and respect in her home. Otherwiseshe risks trading one “tyrant” for another.

3) Educational Consultant (See PART TWO/PROVIDERS, page 22)

Susan’s son is also having trouble at school. He is smoking pot, skipping class,

and failing. Susan could benefit from the advice of an educational consultantwho can help her determine appropriate placement for her son. Since he is still a

minor, Susan has more options than if he were already 18. And if her husband

objects to placement in a wilderness program or therapeutic boarding school, for

example, she can seek a pediatrician’s recommendation and submit that to the

judge who could over-rule her husband so that their son can get the help heneeds.

4) Legal Support (See PART TWO/PROVIDERS, page 15-20)

Because Susan’s husband was a teacher and still works with youth organizations

on the weekend, on paper he looks like a model citizen. Because Susan is a

stockbroker and earns more money than he does, her husband’s legal team is

working very hard to hide his family’s wealth and make her look like a gold-



digger who should pay for her husband’s attorney fees and also pay him

alimony. She may want to consult a forensic accountant (See PART

TWO/PROVIDERS page 11).

Because the abuse was mostly verbal and the police were never called, there is

little for the judge to go on to substantiate Susan’s claims of abuse. She will

need a skilled lawyer to help her tell her story. If she has kept a journal with

dates documenting the verbal abuse, this will help increase her credibility. If Susan can meet with an expert witness in domestic violence and be tested to see

if she appears to fit the profile of a battered woman, this will also increase her credibility.

With her husband’s threat to destroy her, Susan needs “a good lawyer”. Her

friend recommended the one she used for her own divorce, but her friend was

not in an abusive relationship, and this lawyer has no training in intimate partner abuse. Susan could let this lawyer go and find one better suited to her needs. A

domestic violence/legal advocate can help support her in this process, since itcan be very difficult for an abused woman to “fire” an authority figure, even if it

is in her own best interests to do so.

Susan will need strong legal representation to increase her chances of getting a

fair settlement and maintaining custody of her children. Her abusive partner will

most certainly have a strong team representing him, determined to intimidate her

and call her moral character, fitness as a parent, and sanity into question.

She may also want a legal advocate (page 38) to accompany her to court and

mediation sessions to help deal with the stress of encountering her abuser there.

And she may want to hire a divorce consultant to help explain and navigate the

intimidating and overwhelming complexity of the divorce process, particularlywhen it also involves division of assets, domestic violence, and child custody

issues.

5) Reference Materials (See PART THREE/EDUCATIONAL &

REFERENCE MATERIALS, pages 6-23)

Finally, there are books Susan can read to learn more about domestic violence,

such as Lundy Bancroft’s “Why Does He Do That?” (See PART THREE,

EDUCATIONAL AND REFERENCE MATERIALS, page 11). In this way,

she can gain a better understanding of the tactics used by her abuser, realize she

is not alone, abuse is never her fault, and there are resources and professionalsshe can draw on for support.

Susan worries about the effect of “a broken home” on her son. She can begin tolearn more about the negative impact of domestic violence on children (See

PART THREE, EDUCATIONAL AND REFERENCE MATERIALS, pages

14, 15) and consider whether, instead of “staying for the sake of the children”, it



may often be healthier to leave for the sake of the children.

If isolation is a primary tactic of her abuser, an effective response can begathering a strong network of support around her, so that she can start making

choices and decisions that lead her and her children on a path towards a healthier

life based on respect, empathy, compassion, and equality.

May the resources listed in this directory guide her along that path.

The more we know, the more we can do to end domestic violence.

WOMENSV PDF DIR 812 GEN SUGGESTIONS.pdf

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