Whiskey, Words and a Shovel II
735
Transcript of Whiskey, Words and a Shovel II
otherbooksbyr.h.SinWhiskey,Words,andaShovel
absenceandpeace.
yourabsencetaughtme
howtolivewithoutyou
timeawaytaughtme
tofindpeace
inbeingalone
humanflaw.
wehidebehindthehumancondition
ofmakingmistakes
usingimperfectionasanexcuse
tohurtthosewholoveus
expectingthingstogoback
tohowtheyoncewere
afterapologizing
reminders.
youkillyourfuture
bymourningthepast
sin’srequestII.
Iwanttoundresshersoul
andfeelherauraagainstmyown
I’dliketogettoknowthethings
deepwithinher
myeyeshavealreadygrownfamiliarwithherphysiqueI’dlikeforhertoundresshersoul
andallowtheuniverseinside
ofhertospeak
Iwelcomethemoments
whereIcanliterally
tasteheraura
thosemomentswheremyownsoul
canexploreher
exits.
exisshort
forexit
thisiswhatI’vecome
torealize
stopleavingthedooropen
forsomeone
whonolonger
deservesakey
tangled.
howquicklywebecometwisted
tiedandtangled
withineachother
lostinatranslation
thatonlywecancomprehend
Iunderstandyourcomplex
emotions
flowing,crashinglikewaves
withintheocean
openformetoenter
sogood,Irefusetoleave
wegeteachother
weknowexactly
whattheotherneeds
bestrevenge.
Irememberthatfeeling
thecoldairdancingonmyhandsastheyweretheonlythingtobeexposedIsatthereonthebalconyoftheapartmentwesharedItookadeepbreathandyetthisheavinessremainedsittingwithinmychestitwasinthatmomentthatI’ddoanythingtowatchyoucrawlinpain
itwasinthatmomentthatI’ddoanythingtomakeyoufeelthewayIdidbutthenIrealizedthatthebestrevengewouldbetobecomemoreofeverythingyoufailedtoappreciate,everythingyou’donedaysearchforaftertheworldhaditswaywithyouandwhenyoureturned
I’dbegone
enjoyingmyself,happyandpeacefulwithsomeonestrongerthanyouwere
thesearch.
IsetoutinsearchofloveandwhatIoftenfoundwaschaosanddestructionheartsfilledwithmaliceandsoulsthatresemblewintereyesthatwanderandlipsthatlie
IsetoutinsearchofeverythingthatIcould’vegivenmyselfandIknowthatnow
alllies.
theywerealllies,shethoughttoherselfwhilepickingupthepiecesofherownheart
silence,myfriend.
I’vebeenhurtingandIcan’tfindthewordstoexplainwhatItrulyfeelandifIcould
Idon’tbelieveyou’dbeabletocomprehendthewordswithinmysoulthisiswhyIsaynothing
asifsilenceismyonlyfriend
encouragementI.
stopteachingwomenhowtothinklikemen,werarelythinkdon’tencouragehertobecome
theverythingthatcontinuestodestroyherdon’tencouragethetypeofbehaviorthatmakesmenappearweakencouragewomentobemoreofwhotheyweremeanttoberespectable,valuable,loving,andstrong
intelligentandbeautiful
encouragehertobethetypeofwomanthatsendsweakmenrunningtheotherway
awarwithself.
it’sdifficult
it’sbeenpainful
it’sbeenweighingyoudown
youknowit’stimetoletgo
youknowyoudeservemore
youknowhe’snotwhoheusedtobe
blindedbylove
youremotionsbetrayyou
everytime
it’stheconstantbattle
between
whatyouknow
andhowyoufeel
fantasies.
she’sanangel
withafilthymind
earlyDecemberII.
IrememberthinkingthatI’dnevergettospeaktoyouagainandsoIwantedtotellyoueverysinglethingthatIcouldforthefirsttimeinmylife,Iwantedtobecompletelytransparentandeventhoughyouwerejustastranger,youfeltsofamiliarIdidn’tknowyoubutIknewyoufromsomewhere
maybeanothertime,atimewheremostofourconversationswerepillowtalkormostofourinteractionwasinthemidstofsilence,lyingawake,latenightsafraidtosleepbecausethatwouldmeantemporarilyleavingoneanotherIdon’tknow,Ijustwantedtotellyoueverythingeverythingthatyoumissedwhilebeingdistractedbysomeonewhowasn’tmeeverythingyoumissedwhileinthearmsofsomeonewhodidn’tdeservetoholdyoueverythingyoumissedwhileconfessingyourlovetosomeonewhofailedtoreciprocatethethingsyouexpressedthatnight,earlyDecember
readclosely.
youmissthepersonyouthoughthewas
you’reinlovewitheverything
heusedtobe
youholdonbecauseyourloveisunconditional
you’reup,thinkingabouthim
wantinghisattention
maybeatext,acall,maybeyoujustwanttolayupandcuddlebuthe’salwaysdoingthis
he’srarelyaroundandithurts
that’swhatkeepsyouupatnight
you’rehurtingrightnowandhe’sprobablyasleep
understandthis
lifeistooshorttolosesleepoveralivingnightmareIknowyoulovehimbutyouhavetoloveyourselfmoresee,anyonenotwillingtorespectwhatyoufeel
isnotworthyofanytypeofemotionalresponse
howmanytomorrowswillyouspendwaitingforamanwhoonlydeservesaplaceinyouryesterdaysyourfutureisuncertainbecauseyourfocusisonyourrearviewmirroryoucan’tgettowhereyouneedtobe
focusedoneverythingthatbelongsbehindyou
longdistance.
I’dkillthedistance
togettoyou
taintedloveII.
youspokeoflove
buttherewashatredinyouractions
youspokeoflove
andyetallIfeltwaspain
youspokeoflove
untilIstoppedlisteningtowhatturnedouttobealieintheformofeverythingIwantedtohear
11:50p.m.
it’shard,it’salwaysbeendifficult
butIjustthinkwe’relookingforthetypeoflovethatdoesn’tdestroyusintheend
thetypeoflovethathelpsusevolveandgrow
it’simportanttorealizethatthistypeofloveisonlyattainableonceself-loveisachieved
rare.
loveisrare
heartacheistoocommon
sadly,searchingforlove
oftenleadstomoreheartache
enough.
youcan’tkeepblamingyourselfforsomeone’sinabilitytobethetypeofmateyoudeserveIusedtodothatoften
lostinmyownfeelings
madetofeelasifmyallwasn’tgoodenough
whenreally
Ihadtheterriblehabitoffallingforthosewhoweren’tgoodenoughformebecauseIwasunawareofmyownvalue
cracks.
hereyouarecovered
incracksfromfalling
andnotbeingcaught
cracksfromloving
someoneincapable
ofreciprocatingeverything
yougavethem
andyethereyoustand
stillbeautiful
stillworthyofthelove
you’vealwaysgiven
Iwrotethisforyou
flames.
youfeltlikehellbutIstayedthere
inflamesforalovethatneverdidexist
inflamesforalove
youweren’tcapableofgiving
brokenbeautiful.
shewasquiet
buthersilencescreamed
hersilencetoldastory
wherewordsoftenfailed
herheartlikewinter
dryairuponherlips
assheexhaled
aftertakingin
allshe’dbeenthrough
brokenyetstronger
hurtbutwiser
afewcracksinherfoundation
andstill
sheremainedbeautiful...
love722.
youdrivememad
butmakemelaugh
imperfect,ourlove
butperfectforme
losingtogain.
welosethingstogainmoreandsometimeswhatweloseisn’talossintime,yourheartwillheal
intime,yourheartwillbereadyoncemorebutonlyforsomeonewhoisreadyforyou
masksII.
whatIwantedwasthemost
honestpartsofyoursoul
andwhatIreceived
waseverythingItried
myhardesttoavoid
peoplewearmasks
toolargetofit
andintime
youbegintorealize
thatthefaceyousee
isn’treallytheirs
inbetweensleep.
mymindknowswhatmyheartcontinuestoignore
I’mtiredbutIcan’tfindsleep
lost,betweenthehoursof1a.m.and3
restlessunderthesamemoonasyou
eyes,thetruth.
smilingwithsadeyes
I’veseenwhatyou’ve
beenhiding
after3.
it’safter3a.m.
andIcan’tsleep
mymindwon’tquietdown
andmysoulcan’thelp
butwander
lyinghere,still
appearingpeaceful
butthere’schaos
deepwithinme
strugglingtoclosemyeyes
asmile.
Idon’trememberthetime
whereasmileactuallymeanthappiness
sadly,somanyofmypeers
onlysmiletohidethings
encouragementII.
stopteachingwomenhowtofindagoodman
andstartencouragingthemtobethetypeofwomenthatno-goodmencan’tevenapproach
memories.
becarefulwhoyoumakeyourmemorieswith
loveandlies.
yourdetailedtextmessages
hisone-wordedresponse
youmakeyourselfavailable
butheneverfindsthetime
you’realwayscallingfirst
herefusestocallatall
butyou’restuck
becauseyoufell
heclaimedtoloveyou
butinfacthedidn’tfall
stilllearninglove.
I’mstilllearningaboutlove
andwhatitmeans
tophysicallysharemyself
withsomeonewhocares
formyheart
andmysoul
I’mstilllearningaboutthetypeofintimacy
onlysharedbetweentwopeople
destinedtobeapartofeachother’slife
I’mstilllearninghowtotouchandhowtofeel
Isometimesstrugglewith
theemotionalsideofitall
becauseI’veonlyknown
toremainunattached
aftertheact
nightmares.
andyouwereanightmare
wrappedinsomethingbeautiful
adisasterpresentedasagift
different,yetthesame.
differentperson
samepain
differentperson
samelies
Ihatethemomentsbetweenmeetingsomeoneandleavingsomeonethere’sthisbrieffeelingoftrustbeforetheparanoiathatseepsinonceyoubegintorealizethatthey’rejustlikeeveryoneelseyou’vemetbeforedifferentperson
samebullshit
resolutions.
changingforthebetter
readyforsomethingbetter
reality.
you’reunhappy
you’vebeenfeelingneglected
you’vebeentakenforgranted
andyetyoustillfindwaysandorcreateseveralexcusesastowhyyoustayinreality
you’vebeenholdingon
tonothing
soifinthismoment
youdecidedtowalkaway
you’dlosethem
andatthesametime
you’dlosenothing
you’dgainpeace
you’dlosethem
yetfindyourself
bethere.
Idon’twanttobethisway
Ihatethewaythisfeels
sometimesIjustwanttoquit
sometimesIrefusetostop
I’mallovertheplace
andIjustneedyoutobethere
oh,brokensoul.
you’reamess
you’vebeenbroken
you’reguarded
youhavebaggagebutI’mnotafraidtostandbesideyouI’mwillingtohelpcarrywhateveritis
thatmaybedraggingyoudown
I’mwillingtoclimbthewallyou’vebuilt
Iloveyouforwhoyouare
evenwhenyouthinkyoursoulisn’tgoodenoughtoreapthebenefitsofmylove
fallingshort.
youweren’tstrongenoughtocatchme
andthat’sfine
youweren’tbraveenoughtolovemeandthat’sokayIforgiveyouforfailingatpretendingtobeeverythingthatIwanted
Iforgiveyouforfallingshort
ofmyexpectations
theunforgettable.
you’reunforgettable
womenlikeyoudon’t
comearoundoften
yourpresenceis
electrifying
notfortheweakofheart
maybethat’swhyhecouldn’t
keepyou
maybehejustwasn’tstrong
enoughtoholdyou
knowthatwhomeveryouare
whereveryouare
thereissomeonesearching
foralovelikeyours
theLexington.
IthoughtIknewthesound
oflove
untilitwasdelivered
inyourvoice
IthoughtIknewwhatitfeltlike
untilyourhandstouched
myown
thatearlyevening
inmidtownManhattan
IthoughtIknewpassion
untilithappened
whenwekissed
Ifeltlove,abitoflust
Ifeltyourskin
andIfeltthis
thistingleinmyspine
thereliefinmychest
youmadememoan
youmademegrow
youtookawayalifeofstress
andsomehow
everythingIthoughtIknew
waswithinyou
thewholetime...
myscars.
thesescars
remindmethatIsurvived
everythingmeantto
destroyme
sleep.
youknowwhat’spainful
sleepisnolongerameansofrest
it’ssomethingmostofusdoinordertoforgetthethingsthattearusupemotionallysomethingthatmostfailtoachieve
lyingtherewideawake
drowninginanoceanoftheirownthoughts
we’reallthesame
we’reallseekingrelief
Natasha’sinterlude.
youweresoyoung
yetsostrong
anunmovableforce
evenintheuncertaintyofyourownlife
youmadecertaintoinstillhope
inthoseclosesttoyourheart
youplayedmanyroles
inyouryouth
andyou’llcontinueto
soasatribute
toeverythingyou’vebeen
andallthatyou’llbecome
tothebigsisterIneverhad
tothemotherofason
thewifeofasoldier
andthedaughtertoaKing
Iloveyou
onmostnights.
you’reinlove,heartbrokenorboth
lyingthererestless
watchingthenightbleedintothemorning
wishingyouhadmorehourstorest
yourmistakes.
don’tbeatyourselfup
forbeingtoogood
forthem
don’tbesohardonyourself
forchoosingsomeone
incapableofappreciating
everythingthatyouare
sometimesyouhaveto
choosebadly
inorder
tobeabletoidentify
whatisgoodforyou
release.
sometimescryingmeans
lettinggo
sometimestheonlyway
toemptyyourselfofaperson
istoshedtears
oftenpretending.
sometimesithurts
tobestrong
sometimesithurts
tobetheonewhoseemingly
neverneedshelp
drowninginyour
ownemotions
pretendingtoenjoy
therain
whilehoping
formoresunshine
good-byes.
thishereistheend,mydeparture,mygood-bye
wantedtostay
pushedmeaway
butI’llbefinebecauseItried
see,you’llwakeupandregretit
didn’tgivemeenoughcredit
Iwasthrowingseveralhints
it’sashameyoudidn’tcatchit
you’llwakeup
trytocall
butnothingiswhatyou’llget
time’sup,nomorechances
walkedaway,thisisit
theblueprint.
justbegoodtoher
remainloyaltoherloyalty
andreciprocateherlove
forgetnot.
neverforgetthepeoplewhomadeyoufeelasifyourbestwasn’tgoodenoughneverforgetthewaytheymistreatedyouwhileyougavethemwhatwasconsideredyourallremembertheirfacesandignorethatImissyou
I’msorryandIloveyou
whenyou’vewalkedawayforgood
mostnights.
inadarkroom
mymind’slit
adarkdrearysoul
coldinsearch
ofthetypeofwarmth
thatonlycanbefound
onahalf-madebed
betweenthelegsofalover
whoknowsmypain
mentallyfatigued
fromgivingafuck
feelingstuckinaplace
wherecaringdrainsthesoul
andonthisnight
I’dliketofeelnothing
butsweatrunningdownmychest
pressedagainstalover
whoknowsmypain
Ijustwanttofeelatease
asthebreeze
fromthatolddusty-assfanblows
mymindsofarinthegutter
dirtyfromthoughtsofyou
asIbegintogrow
andIjustwantalover
whoknows
howitfeelstofeellikeme
potential.
inlovewithyourpotential
sufferingfromthereality
mymindknows
whatmyheartignores
easilyforgotten.
Idon’thaveexes
justafewmistakes
alistofregrets
andthingsgoneupinflames
fromthebridgesI’veburned
lovethatfeltmorelikepain
andtruththatturnedouttobelies
Idon’thaveexes
justafewindividuals
thatpretendedtobemorethantheywere
individualswhofellshortofsomethingappealingIdon’thaveexes
justafewpeople
whowereeasilyforgotten
soulrelatable.
andtothewomen
whowakeuptiredemotionally
restlessduringthenight
unabletosleep
drainedbothphysicallyandmentally
smilinginanefforttoholdbackthetears
youarebeautiful
youaregoodenough
youarestrong
youaresurvivors
3:33p.m.
theyonlytreatyou
howtheyfeel
aboutthemselves
tired.
Ijustwanttoknowlove
likeIknowhate
Ijustwantalove
similartomyown
oftenoff,myemotionalswitch.
I’vealwaysgivenmyselfinsmalldosesandsometimesnothingatallcarefulnottosharethebestpartsofmyselfwithsomeonewhocouldturnouttobethewrongpersonprotectiveintermsofmyheartandsoul
understandingthatmostofthepeopleImeetwillfallshortofmyexpectationsandsoI’velearnedtoexpectnothing
sometimesmyemotionalswitchremainsoff
youcan’tgethurtifyoufeelnothing
survival.
youcan’tforcesomethingtobemorethanwhatitshouldsometimesthepeoplewelove
can’tcomprehendwhatwefeel
andtherewillbetimeswhereyou’llhavetowalkawayfromtheverypersonwhomyou’ddoanythingforit’snotgivingup
it’ssimplysurvival
andIhopeit’syouwhosurvives
drown.
overwhelmedbyaseaofemotions
sometimesyouhavetodrown
tolearnhowtoswim
usedtoit.
Iwassousedtobeinghurt
thatIcontinuedtoallowyou
theopportunitytodestroyme
I’dwalkaway,onlytoreturn
givingyoupermissiontoburn
throughthefoundation
thatoncerepresentedus
inflames
Ilearnedthelessonofsettling
forsomeone
whohadgrowncomfortable
withbreakingmyheart
encouragementIII.
stopteachingthesewomenhowtodealwithno-goodmenandmotivatethemtoavoidthesetypesofmenaltogetherteachthemself-esteemandself-assurance
teachthemself-loveandrespect
onmywaytext.
rosesblooming
thesunsettingbehindtheocean
raingentlyfallinguponmyskin
headrubsandlightkissesonmyneck
handsclasped,refusingtoletgo
lavenderfragrance
aslightlycoolbreeze
thesearethingsyoumakemefeel
everythingthatyouareiseverythingthatIneed
Iloveyou
Iknowwhenyourheartisheavyorwhenyou’restressedorwhenyourmindisallovertheplaceI’lltakeyouaway
whenIcomehome
brokenbutmagic.
there’sstillmagicinaheartthat’sbeenbroken
oceanus.
oursoulsbecametheocean
immediatelycrashingagainst
eachother
sowetaswecollidedonly
tobecomeone
forcedtogetherbynature
thismixofyouandI
wassupposedtohappen
divingintolove
emergingwithineachother
sunsetsthenrise.
shewasthesun
thewayshefell
intothenightbutmanagedtoriseeverymorning
brighterthanbefore
masksIII.
andthat’swhatitalwaysboilsdownto
youmeetsomeone
they’reeverythingyouwanted
youfall
onlytodiscovertheirtrueself
you’reinlovewithamask
andevenafterthatmaskisremoved
youhangontothepossibilityofthatpersonwearingthatmaskoncemoreessentially,becomingthepersonyoufellinlovewithnojudgment,Igetit
Iunderstand,I’vebeenthere
Iknowhowdifficultitcanbe
therestlessnessthatfollowstheactoffallingforthewrongpersontheaftermathofrealizingthatyourlovewasonlyconjuredupbyafalserepresentationofwhatyouthoughtyouneededbutlosingsomethingfraudulent
makesroomforsomethingreal
guarantees.
beingagoodmanorwomandoesn’tguaranteeyoutruelovelovingsomeone
doesn’tmakethemtheone
seasonedlove.
Idon’twantpuppylove
Inowrequiresomethingseasoned
somethingstronger
straightlikemyfavoriteliquor
Iwantsomething
homegrownfromseeds
withinmysoul
wateredwithtruth
andloyalty
I’mnotachild
andInolongerhavetheneed
forchildishthings
givemeimperfect
butgivemeyourbest
Iwantyourlove
initspurestform
Iwantyou
sadly.
sadly,oneofthehardestlovestofindistheloveyourheartdeserves
yes,you.
youdeservetobesomeone’sonlychoice
emotionalCPR.
wetryourhardesttoforcelifeintothingsthatmustdieandthat’swhathurtsthemost
insearchofheaven.
lovedoesn’tfeelpureanymore
it’sbecomeallaboutwhatwecandoforeachotherintermsofphysicalpleasureandoftendefinedbymaterialIcan’tsaythatImissit
thewayitusedtobe
becausewhateverit’sbeen
I’veneverhadtheopportunitytoclaimit,tohaveit,toholditandthat’sthestorymostofourheartstell
searchingforalovethatresemblesheaven
yetsomehowweendupinhell
stubbornness.
yourheartisstubborn
sadly,itclingstothethings
thatbreakitinhopes
thatthosethingswillsaveit
oneday.
onedayyou’regoingtoregrethurtingherheart
onedayyou’regoingtoregretdestroyingthewomanwithaheartthatdeservedtobelovedandyourregretwillalwayscomeatamomenttoolateforonceherheartiscompletelyshattered
she’lllearntopickupthepieceswithoutyou
forgiveness.
I’mstilltryingtoforgivemyself
forallthethingsIfailedtobecome
I’mstilltryingtomakepeace
withallthebrokenpiecesofmypast
self-blame.
passingthesinglemotherinthegrocerylineasshelooksoveratthemagazineswithataglinethatreadshowtokeepaman
asshebeginstobaseherself-valueonwhetherornotshecankeepmeninterestedathoughtoccurredtome
maybeit’snother
maybeit’snotheratall
maybeit’sherchoices
choosingmenwhojustdon’tfitintotheplansofherfuturemaybeweshouldwritemorearticlesthathelpencourageself-loveinsteadofself-blamemaybethat’sthecure
maybeself-loveleadstochoosingamancapable
ofreciprocatingeverything
she’swillingtoshare
harshreality.
ithurtstowatchthepersonyoulove
becomeeverythingyoushouldavoid
it’sdifficulttowatchthepersonyoulove
treatyouasiftheyhateyou
andeventhoughithurtslikehell
youcontinuetoholdontowhotheywere
insteadofacceptingwhatthey’vebecome
it’stheharshrealityoffallinginlovewiththesurfaceandunexpectedlyhavingtofacethetruthinwhomostpeoplereallyare
exes.
Ishouldjustchangemynumber
myfriendstellmethatIshouldjustblockyou
IshouldsendyoutovoicemailbutIdon’t
Iheldontoyou,hopingsomethingwouldchangeandIguessthisismywayofforcingyoutofeelwhatIfelthopingI’llansweryourcall
hopingforsomethingthat’llneverhappen
goodvibesonly.
givesilencetonegativity
understandthatthosewhowish
toharmyouinanyway
andordisruptyourpeace
don’tdeservetheenergy
ittakestorespond
totheiractions
you’revaluable
stopengagingwiththose
whocan’taffordyou
afterhours.
nomatterhowpainful
beingalonemayactuallyfeel
nothinghurtsmore
thanlyingnext
tosomeoneeachnightyetrestless
becauseitfeelsasif
you’resleepingalone
strength.
truthis
you’renotokay
butyouwillbe
you’llholdon
butyou’llletgo
it’llbedifficult
butyou’lldoit
you’refeelingweak
butbestrong
onehellofawoman.
shecouldn’tbetamed,rebelliouslover
refusingtosettleforlessthanshedeserved
there’sthisfirethatburnswithinher
thetypewhichcouldneverbeputoutassheusedittolightherownpathshe,unchainedandfree,willingtopushtheenvelopeandripitopenifshehadtostrongineverysenseoftheword
valuableevenwhenothersfailtonotice
onehellofawomantofallfor
onehellofawomanindeed
sent,textmessage.
youeitherbeconsistent
orbecomenonexistent
painfultruth.
I’vecometorealize
thatthosewhosmilethemost
usuallyshedthemosttears
insecret
andthosewholaughthehardest
areusuallytheoneswhocrytheloudest
insilence.
Iwanttotellyouallthethings
thatsitunexpressedwithinmyheart
butI’mafraid
youwon’tbeabletocomprehend
myloveandsoIremainsilent
hawaii722.
Ithinkyourloveisasvast
astheocean
andyou’vebeenwithmen
whofearedyourwaves
butI’mnotafraidtotry
todive
totaste
toface
thefuturesoakinginyourlove
pastloves.
youhavethisperceptionoflove
thatisfalse
youtalkaboutit,youwriteaboutit
asforthestoriesyoutellyourselfareallfictionyoupretendtoknowwhatitisorhowitfeels
whenyouknownothingofitstouch
youlovedtheideaofsomething
theycouldnevergiveyou
yetyoufoolyourheart
intothinkingtheydeserved
aplacethere
youkeepfoolingyourselfintothinkingthatchaosispassionandthatsomehowthedestructionofyourheartintheprocessoflovingthewrongpersonwasbeautifulthosepastloveswerealllies
2013.
alifespent
withsomeonewhoconstantly
hurtsyou
islikedeath
fromwombtotomb
somepeoplespendmost
oftheirlives
eithersurvivingheartache
ordyingfromtheweight
ofemotionaldistress
shit,Ijustwanttolove
andlivewhiledoingso
unchanged.
Ithinkawoman’sheart
ismadeofsomething
outofthisworld
asmuchasit’sbeenbroken
shesurvives
asmuchasit’sbeenbroken
thevalueofherlove
goesunchanged
thisiswhatIrealized
whilelookingintotheeyes
ofthewomanwhofellforme
despiteapastofhavingherheart
mishandledandbroken
shetrustedme
shetrustedmeenough
tofallintomyarms
therules.
respecthermind
feedhersoul
protectherpeace
guardherheart
shebecame.
youreyesbecamestarsandwhatusedtobeyourbodybecamethegalaxy
whichisnowaplaceIwishtolive
I’dliketobeinsideofyou
lostwithnogravity
travelingwithineverypartofyou
tiredofnewbeginningsbutI’mwillingtostartwithyou
overandgone.
unfortunatelyforyou
Iwon’tbestanding
whereyouleftme
andyouwon’tbeable
totextme"Imissyou"
whenyoufinally
becomeboredwith
thepersonyouleftmefor
Inolongerseekclosure
nomorebitterness
andmyheartisnolongercold
forIhavefoundthelove
youwereincapableofproviding
andIhavefoundwarmth
inthearmsofsomeonebetter
interludeforthesurvivor.
thepainmeansyou’realive
thescarsmean
you’vealwayssurvived
misinterpretedlove.
Idon’tknow,maybeIthoughtorbelievedthewordsyouwhisperedonthatfoggymorninginthenudelyingnexttomewearingnothingbutmyarmsasIheldyouafterwebecomeoneinamomentthatfeltlikeforever.ThosewordsfeltlikelifeasIlaythereslightlydrainedasIusedupwhateverenergyIhadintryingtopleaseyou.
MaybeIthoughtthatthosethreewordswouldextendthemomentsthatwe’vealreadyexperiencedwitheachother.Youutteredthemtomewitheasewithoutaspeech,simplystraighttothepoint,makingiteasiertocomprehend.NowasIsitherewithjustamemoryofhowitwas,Irealizethatthosethreewordsmeantnothingtoyoubuteverythingtome.
loveofself.
youbelongtoyou
sometimesyoursoulmate
isyourself
andeverything
you’vebeensearchingfor
canbefound
deepwithinyourownsoul
atimeoflove.
thankyouforseeing
thestarswithinmysoul
whenallIsawwaspain
scarsanddarkness
alwaysworthy.
marrythewomantheysayisbroken
remindherthatnomatterhowhurtshemaybe
she’sstillworthyofthetypeoflovethatcanmovemountainsandwhensheshowsyouthescarsthathavebeenleftuponherheartbythethingsscatteredwithinherpastkisseachoneofthemandremindher
thatdespiteitall
despitewhatshe’sgonethrough
she’sstillthemostbeautifulwomaninyoureyes
wordsandactions.
sayingIwantsomethingreal
whileholdingontosomething
withsomeone
whocontinuouslyletsmedown
someonewhoconstantly
makeslovefeelpainful
someoneinconsiderate
selfishandnegative
I’vebeensayingIwanttruelove
whileholdingontosomething
withsomeonetoxic
unsupportive,unreliable
incapableoftellingthetruth
somuchtension,arguments
allthisverbalabuse
sayingIwantonething
whileacceptingtheopposite
toomuch.
tootiredtosleep
toohurttostartover
toodepressedtosayaword
I’vebeenthere
itgetsbetter
justgiveittime
anoutdatedlove.
you’reinlove
withhowyourememberthem
notwithwhothey’vebecome
you’reinlovewith
anoutdatedversionofhowthingswere
you’reattachedtoanidea
thatnolongerexists
thisiswhathappens
whenthoseweusuallyavoid
pretendtobeeverything
we’vealwayswanted
toolate.
noonemissesyouuntilyouwalkaway
nooneappreciatesyouuntilyou’regone
nooneunderstandsthisuntilyou’vegivenuponwaitingforthingstogetbetternoonelistensuntilsilenceistheonlythingleft
encouragementIV.
insteadofteachingwomenhowtokeepaman
let’sencouragethemtobethegreatestthingtoandforthemselvesawoman’svalueisnotvalidatedbyherabilitytoattractandorkeepaman
loveless.
lovelessrelationships
causepeopletoloveless
that’stheproblem
withbeinghurt
youavoidlove
altogetheroutoffear
ofmorehurt
heavyheart.
everyday
awarzone
you’reconstantlyfighting
foryourownsanity
insearchofpeace
smilinginsteadofcrying
laughinginsteadofbreakingdown
youdeserveabreak
thisnightisyours
tonightyourheavyheart
deservesthelight
movingon.
Iwalkedaway
Imovedon
notoutofhatredforyou
butforloveofself
themoreyourespectyourself
thelesslikelyyouare
toholdontosomeone
whofailstoappreciateyou
peopledecidingtonotshowup
isthereason
Idecidetogomissing
nofreedom.
there’snofreedominlovingthewrongperson
youspendmostnights,lockedawayinyourownmindoverthinkinganddrivingyourselfmad
tolovethewrongpersonishellonearth,deathinlifeanemotionalprison
fraudulentemotions.
mostpeoplefindthemselves
inlovewiththeperson
whoiskeepingthem
fromfindingtruelove
sadly,we’vebecomeageneration
contentwithbeinginlove
withalovethatisn’treal
hellhere.
hellonearthwillalwaysbetryingtomaintainarelationshipwithsomeonewhoistooweaktoremainloyaltotheideaofaforeverwithyou
womenlikeyou.
andshejustsatthere
coldbutbeautiful
brokenbutdeserving
somuchchaosinhersoul
butstillinsearchforpeace
Ithinkeverywomanwithapast
justwantsafuture
whereeverythingisdifferent
betterthanwhatthey’veknown
Ithinkwomenwithawallup
areattimes
theoneswholovethehardest
andit’swomenlikethat
Ifindthemostattractive
flawsandall
there’sstillmagicinhereyes
cracked,sometimesshattered
butthere’sstillvalue
withinherheart
andstill.
yourheartisfracturedbutit’sstillvaluable
awake.
butsometimes
nightmaresoccur
whilewe’reawake
andsometimesthosenightmares
comeintheform
ofthosewelove
loyal.
I’mtooloyal
tomyself
toentertainanyone
whocan’tremainloyaltome
togetherbutalone.
Ithinktheworsttimetofeel
asifyou’realone
iswhenyou’restanding
nexttotheperson
youlove
andthat’sthereality
forsomanypeople
beingtaken
butfeelingsingle
inlovealone
gallows.
yourpastlingered
likearopearoundyourneck
andsoIkickedoverthechair
beneathyourfeet
winterMarie.
graspingatherskin,eagerforentry
somewheredeep,somewherewarm,awayfromthecoldItookherandthenIworeheroutlikeajacketinthewinter
thelesson.
noteveryoneyoulove
willstay
noteveryoneyoutrust
willbeloyal
somepeopleonlyexist
asexamplesofwhattoavoid
herinterlude.
andthereshewas
lyingtherealone
eyesfixatedonthispage
thisbook
thesewords
heremotionalmindstateunknown
butIknew
andIwrotethisforher
Iwrotethisforyou
you’regoingtobefine
whywestay.
that’stheproblem
insteadofusingourstrength
toletgo
we’dratherholdon
towhatwas
ignorewhatit’sbecome
whiledestroying
whatitshould’vebeen
wewantsobadlytobeloved
bythosefilledwithhatred
wecontinuouslysearchforpeace
whereonlychaoslives
self-care.
betrayalmakestheheartfragile
handleyourselfwithcare
theemptiness.
youjustgetsodamnempty
sharingyourselfforthesakeofkeepingtheminterestedgivingthemyourallandyettheyactasifit’snothing
sheisyouIII.
andIcouldstillhearherheartbreaking
theeeriesilence
followedbyasoulcrythatwassoloud
itcouldhaveawakened
herancestors
apainsodeepthatnoteventheoceancouldmatchitsdepthwavesofdisappointmentandlies
forgiveness,secondchances,andbetrayal
woulddrownherinthatmoment
IwitnessedthatasIhungmyhead
wishingtherewassomethingthatIcoulddo
myarmsstretchedopenbutshe’dneverseethem
pointofviewblockedbysomeonesheloved
theverypersonwhodeservednoneofherheart
IwitnessedherheartshatterintoamillionpiecesasIstruggledtowatchbutevenafterallofthat
evenafterthetearsdrownedwhateverjoyshehadleftshefoundthestrengthtopickupthepiecesandthatwastrulybeautifulsheisstrong,sheisyou
Tati’sinterlude.
thisisforallthethank-yous
youdeservebutrarelyget
thisisforallthemoments
whenyougrowtiredofthebullshit
thisisforthedrama
thatlooksforyou
thisisforanything,anyone,
oranybodywhoplansonstressingyou
maytheycontinuetofail
orfallbeneathyou
wheretheybelong
thereisstrength
beneathyoursurface
thereisloveinyourheart
andthereispatience
inyoursoul
youareandwillforeverremain
strongerthanthethings
orthosewhocomeagainstyou
comparisons.
Icomparedhertothemoon
becauseevenindarkness
sheremainedbeautiful
Icomparedhertoasunrise
becauseI’dawakebeforeher
towitnesstheopeningofhereyes
January28th.
forme,lovehasalwaysbeenlikewinter
itcomesandgoes
whiskeywordplayII.
eyesswell
tellingatale
ofhellandchaos
soulslookingtocollide
withanother
butleftalone
withaslowsongofsadness
themadnessofsearchingforsomethingbeautiful
inascenefilledwithdestruction
andpain
italwaysrainsforthose
longingforthesun
cravingchangeintermsoflove
butsooftenitendsthesame
andasexhaustingasitis
we’realllookingforthesamedamnthing
nochance.
askyourself
whyyoumissme
andyou’llunderstand
whyI’llneverletyoubackin
weaknesses.
theirinabilitytoremainfaithfultoyourloyaltyisareflectionoftheirownemotionalhandicap
andhasnothingtodowithyou
stopblamingyourselffortheirweaknesses
andstartpreservingyourenergyforsomeonewhoisstrongenoughtoreciprocatethelovewithinyourheart
keepinmind.
sometimesthedevilpromisesusapieceofheaven
sometimesdarkness
disguisesitselfaslight
becareful,bestrong,bewise
lackofloveforself.
theyhurtyou
andyouthinknothingofit
theyhurtyou
andyoutryharder
theyhurtyou
andyouapologize
theyhurtyoubecause
theydon’tlovethemselves
self-harm.
lovingthewrongpersonisself-harm
thefuture.
Ihopesomethingreal
findsyourheart
Ihopeyourheartdiscovers
thetruthaboutthetype
oflovethatyoudeserve
cracksinfoundation.
we’realwaysstitchingtogetherthegoodthings
we’realwaysstitchingtogetherthemomentsofpeaceandjoythat’swhyit’shardertoletgo
that’swhyit’shardertomoveondespitethechaosthatplaguesoursoulwe’dratherrememberthegoodandsuppressthebadweseecracksinthewall,inthefoundationofeverythingwe’vebuiltandinsteadofdemolishingthisweakstructureofarelationshipwepaintover,glossover,andtrytorebuildwhatnolongerdeservesourenergy
we.
werunoutofsecondchances
wegettiredofexcuses
wegettiredofbeingtakenforgranted
wegettiredofarguing
wegettiredofmakinganeffort
wegettiredoflosingsleep
wegettiredofentertainingthebull
evengoodpeoplewithbighearts
wholovehardhavetheirlimits
notlove.
weseechaos
wefeelpain
weknowloneliness
andyet
wecallitlove
burial.
unhealthyrelationshipsaredeadthings
waitingtobeburied
wefall.
...butthat’sthething
wefallinlovewithuntrueversionsofothers
wecontinuetofall
failingtorealizetheirunwillingnesstofall
besideus
thenhangon
fordearlife
inhopesofthingschanging
theyrarelydo
theyalmostneverdo
thewronglover.
constantly,wefindourselvestorn
betweenholdingontothepossibilitiesofchange
andrealizingthatwhatwehopedforwasjustadreamsoldbyyetanothersoultoocoldtomakegoodonemptypromisesandalovethatneveractuallyexistedIknowthatfeelingalltoowell
stuckunderthespellofbrowneyesandlipsthatliebutfailingtorealizethesigns
untilit’stoolate
andthat’sthefateweallsuffer
intermsofchoosingthewronglover,I’vebeenthere...
thejourney.
thepathtowardpeace
isfilledwithchaos
toughisthejourney
butthedestination
isworthit
decisions.
youcan’thelpwhoyoulove
butyoudodecide
whohasthepotential
tobelovedbyyou
nothing.
it’sgoingtohurtlikehell
you’llhavedays
whereyourpeacewillbecompromised
yourheartwillbetested
andyou’llfeelasifyou’relosingtheoneyoulovebutisitreallyaloss
iftheoneyouleavebehind
didnothingtomakeyoustay
avoidance.
youarerare
Imean
there’ssomething
insideyou
thatcan’tbefoundelsewhere
avoidanyonewhotreatsyou
likeyou’reordinary
avoidanyoneincapable
ofseeingwhat
you’vealwaysseen
inyourself
warriorheart.
shehasthemind-set
ofroyalty
andtheheart
ofawarrior
sheiseverything
allatonceandtoomuch
foranyonewho
doesn’tdeserveher
sheisyou
she’salwaysbeenyou
deserving.
shewasn’tbeingneedy
shewassimplyinsearch
ofeverythingshedeserved
choosingyourself.
walkingaway
doesn’tmeanyoustopcaring
forthoseyou’vedistanced
yourselffrom
sometimesyoucometotherealization
thatit’stimetotakecare
ofyouandsometimes
thatmeansleaving
behindpeople
whostoppedgivingadamn
aboutyou
thewoman.
I’vebeensearchingforyou
thewomanwithapast
deservingofabetterfuture
thewomanwhoknows
howitfeelstohaveher
heartbroken
leftalonetopiece
herselfbacktogether
thewomanwiththetypeoflove
thatmostmenfailtocomprehend
thewomanwhoknows
thetruemeaningofloneliness
betrayalanddeceit
thatwomandeservestobeloved
andI’dliketobetheone
toreciprocatewhatshe’s
beenbraveenoughtoshare
youarenotyourpast
andI’dliketobeapart
ofyourfuture
thatfear.
thefearofnotbeinggoodenoughmakesyoutryharderforthosewhoaren’tgoodenoughforyou
bepatient.
ifyou’rebraveenoughtoletitdie
you’llfindnewlife
insomethingbeautiful
withsomeone
willingtotreatyoubetter
andthepatience
you’veinvested
intothewrongpeople
isjustenough
topreserveyourheart
fortheonewhodeservesit
atthismoment.
youmissthewayhewaswhenyoufirstmethim
youfellinlovewitheverythinghepretendedtobeyouwon’tletgobecauseyou’rewaitingforthingstochangeyou’rereadingthisnowandthis
isexactlywhatyouneededI’mnotjudgingyouforstayingbutIdowantyoutoknowthatyoudeservesomuchmore
conflictoftheheart.
Iwantedyoutocomeback
butdidn’twantyoutocomeback
that’swhathurtsthemost
wantingsomething
thathasproventobetoxic
magic.
onedaysomeonewilllookatyouwithmagicintheireyesbecausethat’swhatyouare
emotionalreaction.
moreandmoreI’mlearning
thatIhavecompletecontrol
overmyreactiontotheactions
ofothers
andIrefusetoallowmyself
toprovideanemotionalreaction
tothosewhoarenotworthy
ofmyenergy
Irefusetobebroken
bythosewhohavealways
beentooweaktostandbesideme
Irefusetobetorndown
bythosewhositbelowme
now.
it’stimetotakethelovehecouldneverappreciateandgiveittoyourself
thankyou,theend.
dearwoman,thankyou
thankyouforbeingbraveenoughtolove
thankyouforbeingbraveenoughtotryoncemore
evenwhenthatlovegoesunnoticed
thankyouforsmilingthroughthepain
thankyouforthestrengththatyou’vedisplayed
mayyourwilltosurvivebetheinspirationforthispieceinthismoment
youaremymuse
thankyou
index.3:33p.m.11:50p.m.2013absenceandpeace.after3.afterhoursalllies.alwaysworthy.andstill.anoutdatedlove.asmile.atimeoflove.atthismoment.avoidance.awake.awarwithself.bepatient.bestrevenge.bethere.brokenbeautiful.brokenbutmagic.burial.choosingyourself.comparisons.conflictoftheheart.cracks.cracksinfoundation.decisions.deserving.different,yetthesame.drown.earlyDecemberII.easilyforgotten.emotionalCPR.emotionalreaction.encouragementI.encouragementII.encouragementIII.encouragementIV.enough.exes.
exits.eyes,thetruth.fallingshort.fantasies.flames.forgetnot.forgiveness.fraudulentemotions.gallows.good-byes.goodvibesonly.guarantees.harshreality.hawaii722.heavyheart.hellhere.herinterlude.humanflaw.inbetweensleep.insearchofheaven.insilence.interludeforthesurvivor.January28th.keepinmind.lackofloveforself.longdistance.losingtogain.love722.loveandlies.loveless.loveofself.loyal.magic.masksII.masksIII.memories.misinterpretedlove.mostnights.movingon.myscars.Natasha’sinterlude.nightmares.nochance.nofreedom.nothing.notlove.now.
oceanus.oftenoff,myemotionalswitch.oftenpretending.oh,brokensoul.oneday.onehellofawoman.onmostnights.onmywaytext.overandgone.painfultruth.pastloves.potential.rare.readclosely.reality.release.reminders.resolutions.sadly.seasonedlove.self-blame.self-care.self-harm.sent,textmessage.shebecame.sheisyouIII.silence,myfriend.sin’srequestII.sleep.soulrelatable.stilllearninglove.strength.stubbornness.sunsetsthenrise.survival.taintedloveII.tangled.Tati’sinterlude.thankyou,theend.thatfear.theblueprint.theemptiness.thefuture.thejourney.thelesson.theLexington.therules.
thesearch.theunforgettable.thewoman.thewronglover.tired.togetherbutalone.toolate.toomuch.unchanged.usedtoit.warriorheart.we.weaknesses.wefall.whiskeywordplayII.whywestay.winterMarie.womenlikeyou.wordsandactions.yes,you.yourmistakes.
whiskeywords&ashovelIIcopyright©2016byR.H.Sin.Allrightsreserved.Nopartofthisbookmaybeusedorreproducedinanymannerwhatsoeverwithoutwrittenpermissionexceptinthecaseofreprintsinthecontextofreviews.
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