When Life Hands You Lemons. . . Throw Them At People! 'First Look: Chapter 1'
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Transcript of When Life Hands You Lemons. . . Throw Them At People! 'First Look: Chapter 1'
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WHEN LIFE HANDS
YOU LEMONS...THROW THEM AT
PEOPLE!
ABookAboutGrowingUp,ScrewingUp,andMovingUpwithJustanOunceofMaturity
Byzackgonzalez
AZackG.ComedyProductionsBook
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Copyright 2012 by Zack Gonzalez
All rights reserved. Except as permitted under the U.S. Copyright Act of
1976, no part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or
transmitted in any form by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval
system, without the prior written permission of the author.
The stories in this book are told to the best of the authors memory. For
protection purposes, names, dates, events, and descriptive characteristics
and details may have been changed, altered, reordered, and/or compressed.
Any resulting resemblance to any persons living or dead is simply
coincidental and unintentional. Reader discretion is advised.
1st paperback edition produced through Lulu Enterprises, Inc
www.lulu.com
The publisher and the author are not responsible for websites (or their
content) that are not owned by the publisher or the author.
A Zack G. Comedy Productions Book
Printed in the United States of America
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Gonzalez, Zack.
When life hands you lemons throw them at people / ZackGonzalez.1st ed.
p. cm.ISBN: 978-1-105-35903-3 (pbck.)eBook ISBN:
1. Male comediansUnited StatesBiography.2. American wit and humor 3. LifeHumor I. Title
http://www.lulu.com/http://www.lulu.com/ -
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Wordoftheday:sympathetic.Thatsabig
word.
SNOOKI,aNew York Times best-sellingauthor
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ABOUTTHISBOOK:
When life has handed him way too many ridiculous
absurdities, the smart-mouthed and quick-witted Zack
decides that lifes lemons arent bestowed for selfish
affairs such as making lemonade.
In a wild concoction of hilariously brash narratives, Zack
recounts all of his lifes most erratic moments, shaping the
character he is today. Whether its trying to convince his
principal that the reason his hair is orange is because his
mother made him color it, arguing with his great-
grandmother over whether shes taking a shot of gin or
just drinking her medicine, or being voted the teamsleast valuable player, Zack really knows how to take lifes
lemons... and chuck them in the other direction, for the
sake of his sanity; and sometimes at the cost of others.
Welcome to very unique life of
Zack...
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Praiseforthisbook:
Zacks self-deprecating sense of humor shines in his
witty stories about everyday life. A fun and relatableread.
-JennyMcCarthy
Comedian, Actress, Best-Selling Author
Zacks snarky, twisted, smart-assed, teenaged view of the
world and those around him is laugh-out-loud funny.-ZacksCougarGirlfriend
From the Foreword
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THEFOREWORDTOTHEFOREWORD
byZack
The Foreword is the part of the book where an author asks
someone special to sit down and come up with reasonsyou, the reader, should buy this book, along with doing as
much ass-kissing possible. So when it came time for me
to pick someone to write the Foreword, it got a little
tricky. I thought and thought and thought until finally, I
hurt myself.
After a while, I thought I should follow in the steps
of Sarah Silverman and write the Foreword myself (whichis kind of what Im already doing) because I have so
many people that have come in and out of my life, that
there really isnt one person I could ask thats been
consecutively by my side through it all. Well, except my
mom, but how embarrassing would that be. So instead I
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decided to call up everyone whos ever fallen prey to one
of my ever-so brilliant schemes and give them a chance to
write this Foreword. So get ready, because they have a lot
to say!
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FOREWORDby
AnyoneWhoHasSomethingtoSayAboutZack
I met Zack in high school, and to be completely honest, I
didnt know who he was until our junior year in English
class. Thats where I really began to talk to him and
befriend him, and let me tell you, before you enter afriendship with him know this, he is the most sarcastic
person you will ever meet! I mean seriously, I wonder if a
minute goes by when he doesnt try to make you feel like
an idiot! The funniest part is that its that sarcasm that
makes Zack unique. Later in this book, youll read that
everyone at our high school applauded when he
announced that he would not return for his senior year,and although that is mostly true, I never had a problem
with Zack. If anything, I enjoyed that he sassed everyone,
it made my day that much funnier and that much more
enjoyable. I guess I should end this before it gets too long
(pun intended).
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So Ill say this, thank you Zack, thank you for all
the laughs, and most of all, thank you for putting me in
your book!
Someone Zack Went to High School With
My brother is a sick person! I dont know if a day goes by
when he (one) doesnt try to scare me, or (two) doesnt
call me a little baby. He can especially be annoying at
five-in-the-morning when texting me to wake up for noreal reason other than to wake up because he knows I
enjoy sleeping in.
When I make a video for his website and it gets a
lot of views, he says he made it funny by putting it
together and editing it, but we all know Imade it funny.
When we make videos for his books, it always turns out to
be a competition between who gets the most views. (Imobviously the winner, but he wont admit it.)
But despite all the mean things he does to people,
he is funny. And to tell you the truth, I hope, and I mean I
hope, he is seen as afunny comedian.
Zacks Brother, Shawn
There are people you meet and just know instantly that
they are someone very special. Zack is one of those
people. Hes gifted with a great sense of humor and a
generous spirit. I knew just a little about Zacks childhood
before reading this book. Through it, I learned that he has
had to overcome some pretty serious issues in his young
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lifea broken family, feeling left out, insecurities, body
image problems and a younger sibling with intense needs.
While Zack very lightly touches on the emotional journey
of his life, its clear that the personal struggles hes faced
have had a strong influence on the young man he has
become. Zack's snarky, twisted, smart-assed, teenaged
view of the world and those around him is laugh-out-loud
funny. But this kid has great inner strengthso if you see
him around town holding a lemon, RUN!
Zacks Cougar Girlfriend, Wendy
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CONTENTS
The Foreword to the Foreword / Foreword ....ix
..................................................Introduction! 2..................Zig Zagging My Way to Heaven! 5
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Introduction
My name is Zack. (And yes, I know I look like a
lesbian.) My names plain and simple; and spelled with a
K, so get it right. I live a pretty eccentric life. At times
its hectic, at others its unpredictable, and sometimes it
can be pretty damn depressing. But luckily I was blessedwith a sick sense of humor to keep myself from jumping
out the window of a multi-floored building.
I have not spent my days like most teenagers have. Most
teenagers are out dry-humping each other leading to
zack
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unexpected pregnancies, babies, and other responsibilities
that I do not want to see any time soon. Including
marriage. Dont believe me? Turn on MTV. Theyve
decided to make television-gold out of it. Its a show they
call Teen Momwith dads that no nothing about real
commitment and the moms that beat them; and then go to
rehab.
My great-grandma Tammy likes to share her wordsof wisdom with me on occasion in hopes of keeping me
from ending up on a show like that. I wish I could say that
she was witty enough to have come up with them on her
own, but theyre just a lot of one-liners that she
incorrectly scribbled down on scraps of paper after seeing
them on one of her pirated DVDs. She once made me a
little booklet of all these quotes. She told me to hold on to
it and never lose it. (I havent seen it in about two years.)
One of the quotes is the ever-so-common lemons quote:
WHENLIFEHANDSYOULEMONS,MAKELEMONADE.
Tammy told me to not only produce lemonade, but to
manufacture smoothies, and lemon-drop candies, and
lemon meringue pie. I decided that stuffing my fat face
with lemon-flavored pastries was not the way to go.
When Life Hands You Lemons...
Throw Them At People!
3
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Why be selfish and make lemonade, when I can have fun
with the lemons and throw them at all the jackasses Life
has crudely thrust in my adventures of what old people
like to refer to as growing up.
zack
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CHAPTER 1
ZigZaggingMyWaytoHeaven
When Life Hands You Lemons, Seek Out Jesus Christ!
JUNE 15, 1993 was the day my mother popped out the
greatest gift to this planet: ME! Now, dont think that
because I write that, Im a narcissistic brat. Im much
more than that. I also happen have a very intelligent
buttocks. Or so Im told. I like to categorize myself as the
epitome of everything you would expect a teenager to be
in every possible way. However, I am also a clear
When Life Hands You Lemons...
Throw Them At People!
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personification of what teenagers can accomplish, given
the right motivation. Or, as in my case, the lack of
motivation. Dont get me wrong, my family is an
excellent support team and always has been. However,
them getting me motivated enough to do something was
the exact opposite. Ive pretty much always been the one
to call the shots in my life. And with every shot I made,
my family was always there cheering me on while
running from the bullets I was firing off.I was a baby on a mission. Since the day I was
born, God said Youre going to bring laughter to this
world. And man was God right. Right? I mean, you
bought this book because you want to laugh, not because
you care about my absurdly ridiculous life. Anyway, I
thought this book would be great if I started it off with the
time I found Jesus Christ in my backyard. Yep, the Son of
God, Himself. If Im going to let Him star in this book, he
should at least get the only part of it youre likely to read.
My grandfather (who I will name Grandpa Church)
convinced me there was buried treasure hidden in my
backyard. We would always go outside and look for thisrumored treasure. Id grab my toilet paper roll telescope
and hed grab a beer and wed set off on yet another
garden voyage.
I wish I could say we actually found something
worth the big bucks, but all I ever found were treasonable
zack
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tiny blue rocks that I thought were magical and rare
enough to only be hidden within the setting of my
backyard. Turns out they were from a fish tank and the
reason they were hidden all over the yard was due to the
fact that my father set my auntie Jennas car on fire and all
the rocks were blown around. Sometimes, however,
Grandpa Church would buy fake jewels and spread them
around the yard. I, however, was too fascinated by theshiny Budweiser beer bottle caps. They just seemed more
treasonable to me.
One morning, I decided to take my little three-year-old
butt outside and I was determined to find gold. Or maybe
even a valuable pog that I could trade with the street kids,
who I referred to as street rats; a term I discovered
while watching Disneys Aladdin. My grandpa thought
itd be funny to have me call everyone a street rat. Even
my mother.
But this time, I found something even more
prominent. It was a keepsake that I was certain would
save me for the rest of my life. I grabbed it, crunched intomy little hand, and scurried inside. I ran in the backdoor
and into the kitchen to find my grandma making dinner.
She was cooking her ever-so-famous weenies-and-
potatoes dish. Its nothing fancy. But Id be lying if I said
it wasnt our favorite dish of hers. Even to this day.
When Life Hands You Lemons...
Throw Them At People!
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Whod have thought that something so simple would be
so satisfying.
What do you have there, my grandma asked as
she gave her red locks an extra boost of Suave hairspray,
while bumping to Earth, Wind, and Fire.
A pictchur-r, I replied innocently.
A picture? Of what, my little darling?
Jesus, I said.
Jesus? Really? Let me see it.Here Gramma Red, I muttered.
Her eyes widened bigger than her hair as she
unscrambled the wrapper to find that Jesus Christ was
actually the Zig Zag man.
Growing up Catholic, I was taught to always treasure
Jesus because He died on the cross for our sins. And
leaving the picture outside might make baby Jesus cry.
On my first day of first grade, I brought a Star
Wars folder to class and my teacher was horrified.
No, no, no, Zachary. You cannot bring this to
school. You see, this folder, it its going to make baby
Jesus cry, she said as she pointed toward the ceiling. Shemust have been smoking something because to this day I
have not been able to find baby Jesus up there.
I looked at her blank-faced. Baby Jesus died.
She looked as if she was ready to pass out. What?
Did no one tell her Jesus grew up and is no longer alive?
zack
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Someone needs to go to Confession for not reading her
bible.
Peter-r-r-r, Grandma Red yelled, calling my young
father.
What, Ma?
Why does your son have this?! Where did he get
it from?Thats not mine, Ma. Thats the neighbors.
Theyre always smoking out back in their yard. Theyre
Asian. What do ya expect?
Your son thought he found a picture of Jesus.
Why was Grandma Red yelling about my picture of
Jesus, I thought. Maybe we were going Jewish.
I was always a very independent child. At age five I
would call up Grandma Red and be like, Okay, Grandma,
youre gonna pick me up no later than eleven on Saturday,
then we need to hit the mall because I have a lot of
Christmas shopping to still get done. Then we can go to
the movies. Final Destination is out and I need you totake me because its rated R and I cant get in to a rated-R
movie without an adult. Then we can order pizza and
watch Courage the Cowardly Dog all night. Theres a
marathon. To which shed usually follow up with a,
Okay, my little darling. See you then!
When Life Hands You Lemons...
Throw Them At People!
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They just listened to me. And when they didnt,
like Grandpa Healthy, then wed go full force into World
War III. And you dont wanna challenge me in an
argument. Im alway right. I think Grandpa Healthy is
where I get my stubborn, assertive, Im-the-boss attitude.
Which, technically, is a very important attribute. I mean,
if you can argue your way out of anything, then, like me,
youll never be in trouble. Orlike meyoull always
end up getting yourself in to some sort of trouble; towhich Ill usually talk my way to innocence. Its called
being a Boss. With a capital B. I mean, just look at
Jesus. Hes a Boss. Everybody listened to Him. They still
do. You go, Jesus!
zack
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Im off to find me some buried treasure!
Thats Grandma Red in the back, and me in the middle.
When Life Hands You Lemons...
Throw Them At People!
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Also available for Amazon Kindle
MORE FROM ZACK
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Iknowthattherearethingsthathaveneverbeenfunny,andneverwillbe.AndIknowthatridiculemaybeashield,butitisnotaweapon.
-DorothyParker
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WhenLifeHandsYouLemons...ThrowThemAtPeople!
writtenbyzack
ONSALEJULY24,2012!
ForupdatesandexclusiveFirstLooks
visit:
www.justplainzack.com
OR
http://www.LifesSourLemons.tumblr.com
http://lifessourlemons.tumblr.com/http://lifessourlemons.tumblr.com/http://lifessourlemons.tumblr.com/http://www.justplainzack.com/http://www.justplainzack.com/ -
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