A bit about me!

Clarissa RaywardDirector Brisbane Family Law Centre

Accredited Family Law SpecialistMediator & Collaborative Family Lawyer

Also known as “The Happy Family Lawyer”www.thehappyfamilylawyer.com

Today we are joined by-

Sophie JordanIntern Psychologist

Brisbane Family Law Centre

How will this work?• Please ask questions

• This is general information and remember you should obtain advice specific to your family

What are we going to cover?

Self care after separationGrief and LossWhat can you do while grieving?What helps immediately following separation?Life After GriefRe-examine and re-structureSupporting Children Through GriefWarning Signs of Depression

Likely to feel loss of• The relationship & companionship• Finances and sense of financial

security• Time with children• A component of your identity• Your anticipated future

Grief and Loss

1. Disbelief (or shock) – feeling confused, numb, overwhelmed

2. Anger – towards self, ex-partner, others, God/the universe

3. Sadness – sense of loss.4. Bargaining (self-blame) – I would’ve, should’ve,

could’ve5. Re-integration – feeling healed, less emotional pain

Think of grief as not just a process within itself, but also a means to an end, which is re-integration

Stages of Grief

• Your feelings are normal and valid• Allow yourself to feel emotions and don’t try

to bypass grief• Wanting to bypass grief is normal• Tips for accessing grief and feeling emotions-Being brave in baby-steps-Being kind and self-compassionate• Respite from grief

What can you do while grieving

• Allocate a time of day (of any length) • Have a space that’s quiet, away from children, with

no distractions, where you feel safe• In this time period & this space give yourself

permission to feel emotions without boundaries or judgment

- journaling, controlled breathing• When time is up, move back to your activities• Each time, increase the time length.• Recognise that it’s brave to let yourself feel grief

Being brave in baby steps

• Being hard on yourself doesn’t work• Trying to push against grief or push

through grief doesn’t work• Being kind to yourself does work• Practice self-compassion – speaking to

yourself the way you would speak to your best friend

• Allocate self-time to relax once a day

Kindness & Self Compassion

• Grief isn’t a structured process• You’ll have mini periods of “grief

amnesia” – being happy and grief isn’t apparent

• Respite is normal, healthy and important• You will snap back into grief – re-shock• Respite is the mechanism that lessens

grief and moves you into re-integration

Respite from Grief

Ask yourself - • What are you doing?• Why do you enjoy what you’re doing?• Who are you with?• How strong was your grief (or negative

emotions) when you snapped back into grief? – scale of 1 to 10

• How can you increase opportunities for respite?

If you never experience respite consider talking to a counsellor, psychologist or GP

How to use Respite

• Seek support • Minimise Stress and

unhelpful behaviour• Cope with anxiety

What Helps Immediately After Separation

• Online support groups• Enlist a confidant• Concrete and emotional support• Build your friendship network • Parenting support – Triple P, 123

Magic, child psychologist

Social Support

Stress - • Change as little as possible• Work out short term living and child contact

arrangements• Get into a routineUnhelpful Behaviours - • Avoid alcohol and drugs• Avoid Facebook and social networkingHelpful Behaviours - • Sleep, eating and exercise

Minimising Stress, Unhelpful Behaviours & Helpful Behaviours

• The unknown is frightening and creates anxiety

• People generally try to escape anxiety• Trying to escape leads to avoidance or

increased anxiety• Learn to “sit with anxiety” – build a

tolerance- Make up a catch phrase• Brainstorm all possible futures

Cope with Anxietyabout the Future

• Be completely honest with yourself• Re-examine your relationships• Re-examine your values and goals- Goals, things you want to achieve- Values, underlying principles or traits that you consider important in life- Your values will lead you to your goals• Start re-structuring

Life after Grief

• Protect your children from your own grief and conflict

• Give them time and space to grieve• Be cautious and wise about

introducing a new partner• Seek support for your children – make

sure they have someone to talk to

Supporting children through grief

• Feeling helpless or hopeless• Loss of interest in daily activities, previously enjoyed

activities or your ability to feel pleasure• Appetite or weight changes• Sleep changes• Anger or irritability• Concentration problems• Loss of energy• Self-loathing• Reckless behaviourhttp://www.helpguide.org

Warning signs of depression

1. Allow yourself to experience the grief process and utilise respite

2. Avoid contact and conflict with your ex-partner

3. Give yourself time to re-examine and re-structure before beginning a new relationship

4. Protect your children from conflict and understand their grief

5. Access social support and professional support

Sophie’s Top 5 Tips for Surviving Separation

Any Questions?

Wednesday 10 September 12.30pm

THANK YOU!