By: NobleWorks Cards

What's Wrong With Your Shlong? 10 Panic-Producing Penis Problems

Like the men they are attached to, penises come in all shapes, sizes, colors and dispositions. Some Porridge Guns are too hot, while others are too cold; some are happy, grumpy, sleepy or bashful. In the world of Goldicocks and the Seven Dwarves of Dicks, here are the top 10 penile insecurities that don't always produce a happy ending.

For most men, tipping the scales in size is far from being a problem, yet some find that their manaconda instills more fear than your average one-eyed trouser snake.

10. Too Big (there is no such thing)

Tiny Tim once said, "God bless us everyone," and he especially meant those poor unfortunate souls with wee willie winkies.

9. Too Small (is it in yet?)

When it comes to meat sticks and blue-veined sausage, girth can be friend or foe depending on the fit. A hairy hot dog that plumps when you cook it may not fly in everyone's ballpark.

8. Too Thick (it won't hurt)

In a world where skinny reigns supreme, a too thin thumper may be deemed less exciting than inserting a gentle glide tampon.

7. Too Thin (pencil it in)

While we appreciate a "Speedy Gonzales"-like skill and premature ejaculatory stamina, it’s usually better when we have a chance to take our panties off.

6. Too Fast (weiner-ing the race)

This one goes out to the erectile dysfunctional ones we love whose tools remain limp even after hours of foreplay. Slow and steady doesn't always win the race, and these Olimpians will always swear it's never happened to them before.

5. Too Slow (slow boat to China)

The trouble with the curve? Although a curvy tan banana can be fun for the adventurous, some partners just don’t bend it like Beckham that way.

4. Too Curvy (around the bend)

At times there are bumps in the road that make us stronger, and at times there are bumps on the penis that make us visit the free clinic.

3. Too Bumpy (inter-coarse)

While some love the autumnal sweater sheathed-like look of an uncircumcised penis, most folks will say they like their tools the way they like their favorite jeans ... perfectly cut.

2. Too Foreskinny (the penis, uncut!)

And the biggest hang-ups men have about their Just-in Beavers? They don’t have anyone to play with.

1. Too Lonely (get out the tissues and Vaseline)

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