Ho

ldin

g S

pa

ce

Re

sou

rce

s -

He

ath

er

Ple

tt -

he

ath

erp

lett

.co

m

What is Liminal Space?

Liminal originates from the Latin word “limen” which means “a threshold”. In anthropology, liminality is “the quality of ambiguity or disorientation that occurs in the middle stage of rituals, when participants no longer hold their pre-ritual status but have not yet begun the transition to the status they will hold when the ritual is complete. During a ritual’s liminal stage, participants ‘stand at the threshold’ between their previous way of structuring their identity, time, or community, and a new way, which the ritual establishes.” (from Wikipedia)

A liminal space, then, is a period in which something (social hierarchy, culture, belief, tradition, identity, etc.) has been dissolved and a new thing has not yet emerged to take its place. It’s that period of uncertainty, ambiguity, restlessness, fear, discomfort, and anguish. It’s the space between, when a trapeze artist let’s go of one swing and doesn’t yet know whether she’ll be able to reach the other swing.

“We have to allow ourselves to be drawn out of “business as usual” and remain patiently on the “threshold” (limen, in Latin) where we are betwixt and between the familiar and the completely unknown. There alone is our old world left behind, while we are not yet sure of the new existence. That’s a good space where genuine newness can begin. Get there often and stay as long as you can by whatever means possible.” - Parker Palmer

page �1

Ho

ldin

g S

pa

ce

Re

sou

rce

s -

He

ath

er

Ple

tt -

he

ath

erp

lett

.co

m

Bypassing the Liminal Space

Avoidance To avoid the pain and discomfort of the liminal space, we seek out ways to get from Story A to Story B without the abyss. In some, it shows up as addiction, deflection (passing our pain on to others), and other unhealthy coping mechanisms. In others, it shows up as spiritual bypassing.

Spiritual bypassing is the use of spiritual practices and beliefs to avoid dealing with our painful feelings, unresolved wounds, and developmental needs. (a term coined by psychologist John Welwood in 1984) “When we are spiritually bypassing, we often use the goal of awakening or liberation to rationalize what I call premature transcendence: trying to rise above the raw and messy side of our humanness before we have fully faced and made peace with it.”

“Spiritual bypassing is a very persistent shadow of spirituality, manifesting in many forms, often without being acknowledged as such. Aspects of spiritual bypassing include exaggerated detachment, emotional numbing and repression, overemphasis on the positive, anger-phobia, blind or overly tolerant compassion, weak or too porous boundaries, lopsided development (cognitive intelligence often being far ahead of emotional and moral intelligence), debilitating judgement about one’s negativity or shadow side, devaluation of the personal relative to the spiritual, and delusions of having arrived at a higher level of being.” - from the book Spiritual Bypassing, by Robert Augustus Masters

page � 2

Ho

ldin

g S

pa

ce

Re

sou

rce

s -

He

ath

er

Ple

tt -

he

ath

erp

lett

.co

m

Holding Liminal Space

When we hold space for someone who is on a journey through the liminal space, we are willing to walk alongside without judging them, making them feel inadequate, trying to fix them, or trying to impact the outcome. We open our hearts, offer unconditional support, and let go of judgement and control. We engage without controlling, support without judging, and create boundaries without creating limitations.

As the chrysalis does for the transforming butterfly, when we serve as the bowl, we offer a person containment, safety, non-judgement, boundaries, empowerment, a safe space to transform, autonomy, and the freedom to develop in their own way.

The container allows the spiral to spin, without letting it spin out of control.

At different stages along the liminal space journey, we may need different “bowl qualities” to be present so that we can continue to grow and emerge.

page � 3

Ho

ldin

g S

pa

ce

Re

sou

rce

s -

He

ath

er

Ple

tt -

he

ath

erp

lett

.co

m

Hijacking Space (also referred to as Emotional Colonization)

Hijacking Space: the act of controlling and exploiting rather than liberating and supporting

Holding space liberates, hijacking space violates.

We hijack space by:- expecting them to respond the same way we do - acting as the “tone police” when their emotions are stronger than we’re comfortable with - one-upping their story with a better one - dismissing the value of their work- not allowing them to trust their intuition - interrupting, dismissing, ignoring, fixing, shaming - apologizing too much so that they become responsible for making us feel better- expecting them to feed our egos- gaslighting them- holding them back so that they don’t grow or change

Also referred to as “emotional colonization” because, especially in situations of abuse, it can be a way of intentionally exploiting resources for your own benefit.

page � 4

Ho

ldin

g S

pa

ce

Re

sou

rce

s -

He

ath

er

Ple

tt -

he

ath

erp

lett

.co

m

Attachment Theory + Holding Space

• A secure attachment provides safe haven and secure base (ie. the bowl) and allows for healthy social, emotional, and cognitive development.

• Those who have grown up without a secure attachment base, or suffer from abuse or trauma even later in life, may have developed insecure, avoidant, or disorganized attachment systems.

• With disorganized or insecure attachment, our cognitive functioning is impaired (ie. dissociation, amygdala hijacking), which makes growth difficult.

• Abusers will intentionally create disorganized attachment systems (ie. in abusive marriages, cults or authoritarian systems) in order to manipulate and control people.

• “Being the bowl” provides the secure base and safe haven that allows us to be brave enough for the liminal space.

• Without secure attachment, we cling to the old story and we feel threatened by those who evolve out of it.

• The secure attachment may be a short-term thing (ie. a therapeutic relationship) or it may be ongoing (ie. an intimate partnership).

page � 5

Ho

ldin

g S

pa

ce

Re

sou

rce

s -

He

ath

er

Ple

tt -

he

ath

erp

lett

.co

m

Who is at the Centre? by Susan Silk & Barry Goldman

(ring theory by Susan Silk and Barry Goldman)

1. Draw a circle. In this circle, write the name of the person at the centre of the crisis.2. Now draw a larger circle around the first one. In this ring, put the name of the person next closest to the crisis.3. In each larger ring, put the next closest people. As Silk and Goodman state, “Parents and children before more distant relatives. Intimate friends in smaller rings, less intimate friends in larger ones.”

When you are talking to a person in a ring smaller than yours, someone closer to the center of the crisis, the goal is to help. Listening is often more helpful than talking. But if you're going to open your mouth, ask yourself if what you are about to say is likely to provide comfort and support. If it isn't, don't say it. Don't, for example, give advice. People who are suffering from trauma don't need advice. They need comfort and support. So say, "I'm sorry" or "This must really be hard for you" or "Can I bring you a pot roast?" Don't say, "You should hear what happened to me" or "Here's what I would do if I were you." And don't say, "This is really bringing me down.”

If you want to scream or cry or complain, if you want to tell someone how shocked you are or how icky you feel, or whine about how it reminds you of all the terrible things that have happened to you lately, that's fine. It's a perfectly normal response. Just do it to someone in a bigger ring.

page � 6

Ho

ldin

g S

pa

ce

Re

sou

rce

s -

He

ath

er

Ple

tt -

he

ath

erp

lett

.co

m

The Yin and Yang of Holding Space

• When we are in balance, we are able to hold space for others and have space held for us.

• When we hold space, we maintain our own shape rather than moulding ourselves to fit another person.

• We are able to hold space well when there are clear boundaries between us.

• While there is flexibility (and sometimes we need space held for us and are unable to hold for others) we seek to return to balance where neither our needs nor another person’s needs overwhelms or controls.

• “Ask for what you need and offer what you can.” - Christina Baldwin

page � 7

Ho

ldin

g S

pa

ce

Re

sou

rce

s -

He

ath

er

Ple

tt -

he

ath

erp

lett

.co

m

Your Psychic Membrane (being your own bowl)

Cell Membrane Psychic MembraneSelectively permeable - allows selected molecules to pass into or out of the cell.

Allows in what nourishes us and releases what’s destructive.

Two ways of moving material through the cell membrane - active transport and passive transport.

We are sometimes intentional/mindful about what enters our energetic space, and sometimes passive.

Thousands of sensors on the surface determine whether an approaching object (molecule, cell, etc.) is friend or foe.

Our sensors tell us (through intuitive hunches, body signals, etc.) whether something or someone is safe or unsafe.

On the surface of the cellular membrane are antigens whose function it is to link up with other cells that help the original cell serve its purpose in the world.

We have capacity to connect and bond with the people & communities that help us serve our purposes in the world and disconnect from those who don’t.

Fluid - constantly changing to meet the need. As our needs evolve, our membrane evolves to meet those needs.

Responsive to the environment around it - i.e.. higher temperatures (fever) make it less soluble to keep viruses out.

Becomes more rigid and protective when we’re at risk and more open and permeable when we’re strong and resilient.

Maintains homeostasis - equilibrium between conditions inside and outside of cell

Helps us stay balanced and grounded, warning us when we’re close to overwhelm, etc.

Epigenetics - receptor proteins on the surface of the cell membrane interpret and express the DNA in the nucleus of the cell.

When our psychic membranes are healthy, we show up with authenticity, true to our internal blueprints. When it is unhealthy, that is revealed, so that healing can happen.

page � 8

Ho

ldin

g S

pa

ce

Re

sou

rce

s -

He

ath

er

Ple

tt -

he

ath

erp

lett

.co

m

Cycle of Socialization by Bobby Harro

page � 9

Ho

ldin

g S

pa

ce

Re

sou

rce

s -

He

ath

er

Ple

tt -

he

ath

erp

lett

.co

m

Holding Space for our Emotional & Need

Bringing mindfulness to the way in which we hold space for our emotions = not making any of them wrong and simply allowing them space to express themselves without becoming destructive or controlling.

“When we fight emotional pain, we get trapped in it. Difficult emotions become destructive and break down the mind, body, and spirit. Feelings get stuck - frozen in time - and we get stuck in them. The happiness we long for in relationships seems to elude us. Satisfaction at work lies just beyond our reach. We drag ourselves through the day, arguing with our physical aches and pains. Usually we’re not aware just how many of these trials have their root in how we relate to the inevitable discomfort of life.

“Change comes naturally when we open ourselves up to emotional pain with uncommon kindness. Instead of blaming, criticizing, and trying to fix ourselves (or someone else, or the whole world) when things go wrong and we feel bad, we can start with self-acceptance. Compassion first! This simple shift can make a tremendous difference in your life.” - Christopher Gerber, The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion

page � 10

Ho

ldin

g S

pa

ce

Re

sou

rce

s -

He

ath

er

Ple

tt -

he

ath

erp

lett

.co

m

Holding Space for Trauma

Trauma is often present in the reactiveness, defensiveness, resistance, misplaced humour, shame, etc. that we experience when we attempt to hold space for people. It’s one of the reasons why it’s impossible to create a formulaic approach to “how to hold space”. When we hold space for trauma, we have to be willing to face the complexity of the human condition.

Holding space for trauma:- don’t heap further shame on them by blaming them for “over-reacting” or being “over-

sensitive”- don’t take their actions or responses personally - know that they are acting out of their trauma

and may have impaired cognitive functioning- work on calming yourself so that you are not inclined to respond with the same reactivity- avoid triggers when you can, but don’t take responsibility for knowing them all- start from a position of belief- educate yourself on effective nervous system soothing techniques- foster a consent-based environment- don’t shame them for not participating or responding “appropriately”- respect their autonomy and right to make choices (their trauma is often rooted in their choices

taken away from them- be culturally sensitive, recognizing that their needs might be a reflection of their culture

page � 11

Ho

ldin

g S

pa

ce

Re

sou

rce

s -

He

ath

er

Ple

tt -

he

ath

erp

lett

.co

m

Holding Space for The Shadow

Helpful questions, when you suspect shadow is present:• Are topics being avoided?• What assumptions or behaviours are not addressed?• What power issues are not explored?• Who does not own their power, avoiding invitations to shine?• Who needs to take responsibility for unearned/unacknowledged power/privilege that may be

damaging to others and needs to do their own work to dismantle it?• How am I involved in the behaviours or reactions?

The purpose of addressing shadow is to make it overt. Overt means ‘open’: things that are fully revealed. So as we acknowledge shadow, helpful questions include these:• How are we expanding our courage to speak authentically with each other?• What do we already know about trust, and what do we want to preserve about trust?• How am I willing to show up and be fully myself?• How are we being influenced by the unacknowledged social hierarchies and power

imbalances and what work might we need to do to decolonize the space?• What agreements/infrastructure/support needs to be called forward so that we can address

this together?(Note: Some of the above comes from the book The Circle Way, by Ann Linnea & Christina Baldwin)

page � 12

Ho

ldin

g S

pa

ce

Re

sou

rce

s -

He

ath

er

Ple

tt -

he

ath

erp

lett

.co

m

Moving from Safe Space to Brave Space

• Safety is necessary in early stages of growth and healing. But safety can limit and constrict us if we cling to it for too long.

• In order to move beyond safety, we need the “open bowl” that allows us freedom and autonomy and that encourages our bravery.

• In attachment theory language, it’s a movement from providing only a “safe haven” (where a person can stay stuck and insecure) to providing BOTH a safe haven and a secure base (from which a person can launch).

• When we hold “brave space” we don’t avoid pain, conflict, disruption, etc., but instead we support people’s courage to face it.

• Sometimes our personal evolution requires that we move out of the safe space of certain communities/tribes/relationships that are holding us back and seek out brave space where growth is supported.

page � 13

Ho

ldin

g S

pa

ce

Re

sou

rce

s -

He

ath

er

Ple

tt -

he

ath

erp

lett

.co

m

Holding Space for Human Evolution

• Spiral Dynamics - An evolutionary theory that looks at the development of human consciousness - originated by Clare Graves.

• Spiral Dynamics provides a way of understanding both human development historically (ie. each meme represents a period in history), as well as individual development (ie. each meme represents a stage in our personal evolution throughout our lifetimes).

• When we move up the spiral, we still hold within us each of the levels through which we evolved and can move between the levels.

• Between each stage of evolution, both collectively and individually, we journey through liminal space, leaving behind an earlier meme before we know what the next meme will be.

• To evolve successfully, we need the “safe haven” and “secure base” that a secure attachment provides for us.

• When we are triggered and/or our attachment base is threatened, we can move down the spiral in our quest to regain security.

page � 14