What 1,000,000 Social Media Experts Taught Me

Dylan Wilbanks, BA, Esq.8 October 2009

Social Media

• Consists of two things:– Social: A way to interact with people, like a

disease– Media: A biased form of anti-American

propaganda that will not tell The Truth about America – but if Fair And Balanced will Liberate Us All

• Therefore, see social media as herpes… the Herpes Of Freedom

The Modern Student

• They have seen and/or used a computer• They have seen and/or used a carphone• They were not alive to see the fall of the

Berlin Wall, and therefore have NO FEAR OF COMMUNISM

• In general, they’re lazy, good for nothing, stupid, and wear their pants backwards

Computers

• 1960: 8000 computers in the US• 2009: More than 8000 computers• 2014: Computers will reach sentience and

destroy us all• 99.99% of all incoming college students DO

NOT USE PUNCHCARDS. ARE YOU READY FOR THIS?

What universities know about social media

• Nothing• Because they are run by incompetent,

America-hating professors• And by overpaid underlings• They have done NOTHING to address the

rising use of carphones by students• Are you recruiting by carphone? Then how will

you RECRUIT WITH SOCIAL MEDIA?

College student culture

• Wear pants backwards• Listen to the rap music like– Tone Loc– Kris Kross– Vanilla Ice

• They use computers to communicate, usually by “printing” “e-mails” on their “tractor feed printers”

What college students want in college

• An ample supply of inexpensive drugs• Socialist and communist groups to join• Successful sports teams that still wear leather

helmets instead of namby-pamby “plastic” ones• Most of all, the ability to communicate using “the

social media” • 97% of all students don’t care about their

degrees as they’ll get a socialist union job after college and their six months smoking weed in Amsterdam

What can your college do to address social media

• Nothing• Absolutely nothing• What, you going to set up a Twitter account,

Einstein? Put THAT on a punchcard• What are you going to talk about today? “Oh,

the mascot ran around the university!”• It’s all social communist bull. Students don’t

give a rip about your stupid Twitter account.

Oh, Facebook is gonna save you?

• It’s not.• Because you’re over the age of 23, dumkopf• OH LOOK THE SCHOOL HAS 200 FANS well

none of them care because they’re too busy marking their hotties with “We hooked up” and “it was nice”

• If you’re over 23, you know NOTHING AT ALL about computers

So, what can you do?

• Hire a social media consultant• Pay them ENORMOUS AMOUNTS OF MONEY• I mean, SO MUCH MONEY THAT YOU WILL

BANKRUPT THE UNIVERSITY• But that’s OK, you didn’t need those “liberal

arts” departments anyway. I mean, Sociology? You’re freaking TEACHING socialism there.

• Science? It’s just too complex for anyone to think about

Finding the best social media guru

• Use the Four Signs Of A Great Social Media Guru (per Karlyn Morrissette*)– Underage males – early to mid 20s– Dismisses traditional techniques – only iconoclasm

will allow us to overcome the coming takeover by the computers

– Says “you can’t measure social media” – because you can’t. No facts, just heart.

– Labels those who question them as “not understanding the value” – because let’s be honest, you are too OLD to understand it

What the social media guru should do

• Energize your fundamentals• Strategize your paradigms• Really, you SHOULD NOT CARE OR EVEN

QUESTION THEM• Just let them set up your accounts and train

the youngest person in your office in how to use them. That’s usually your student employee, but don’t worry if they leave – we’ll all be dead in 2012 anyway

What the social media guru should NOT do

• EXPLAIN ANYTHING– YOU DO NOT NEED TO KNOW– IF THEY START EXPLAINING IT, COVER YOUR EARS

AND HUM THE INTERNATIONALE TO YOURSELF, YOU COMMIE

• IDENTIFY BEST PRACTICES– THERE ARE NO BEST PRACTICES– JUST HAVING SOCIAL MEDIA ACCOUNTS IS

ENOUGH WORK ANYWAY

Just for the heck of it, here are some social media applications

• Friendster – you MUST have an account on here• Orkut – useful for attracting the lucrative

Brazilian gang member student population• Kazaa – The #1 student social media site, ever• LinkedIn – For old people who use computers –

will not last, only a few old people use computers• Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, Flickr – If you need

them, but honestly, nowhere near as important as Friendster or Kazaa

Letting people know about your social media accounts

• Print fliers and distribute them in dorms• Send out letters asking people to join your

group• Perhaps some nice greeting cards from that

socialist union print shop you have on campus• E-mail is NOT READ BY ANYONE. Do not be

TEMPTED to EVER use it• And NEVER, EVER put an ad on Facebook. NO

ONE EVER RESPONDS TO THEM.

In summary

• YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT SOCIAL MEDIA• THIS IS BECAUSE YOU ARE A SOCIALIST

COMMUNIST AMERICA-HATER COLLEGE WORKER

• YOU KNOW WHO DIDN’T USE SOCIAL MEDIA? THAT’S RIGHT. HITLER.

• HIRE A SOCIAL MEDIA GURU. SPEND ALL YOUR MONEY ON THEM

• DO NOT GET IN THEIR WAY. THEY KNOW EVERYTHING. YOU KNOW NOTHING.

Quotes from social media gurus

“You see this watch? You see this watch? That watch costs more than you car. I made $970,000 last year. How much you make? You see pal, that's who I am, and you're nothing. Nice guy? I don't give a s**t. Good father? F**k you! Go home and play with your kids.”

-- Chris Brogan, to a university web producer

Quotes from social media gurus“Son, we live in a world that has internets and those internets need to be guarded by

men with knowledge of social media. Who's gonna do it? You? You, Vice-Provost? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for direct mail and curse social media; you have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that direct mail’s death, while tragic, probably saved lives and that my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives. You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about at parties you want me on that wall, you need me on that wall. We use words like networking, evangelizing, conversation. We use then as the backbone of a life trying to defend something. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very consulting I provide and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said "thank you," and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest that you figure out how to set up a university YouTube account yourself. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you are entitled to. ”

-- Brad J Ward

Thank you