Well, That Can't Be Right #3

7/23/2019 Well, That Can't Be Right #3

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Well, That Can't Be Right?!#3 Some sketches:"TOBACCO WARNING"

"I'M NOT GOING TO TELL YOU"

"SHOE STORE"

"DRIVING DIRECTIONS"

Written by

Paul Fisher



“TOBACCO WARNING”

EXT. STREET - DUSK

A HUMAN CIGARETTE - or a man wearing a cigarette costume -

stands moodily. We pan out, as the Human Cigarette looks atus knowingly. He nods at us and mouths “I hate you.”

FOOTSTEPS. A BUSINESSMAN walks down the street, parallel tothe Human Cigarette.

HUMAN CIGARETTEHey.

The Businessman looks up.

BUSINESSMANMe?

HUMAN CIGARETTEYeah. You.

The Businessman walks a little closer.

BUSINESSMANWell... How can I help you?

The Human Cigarette raises a revolver and quickly SHOOTS the man dead. SUPERIMPOSE: CIGARETTES KILL

INT. MUSEUM - DAY

A RICH WOMAN walks up and down aisles of modern art,contemplating some and wrinkling her privileged nose atothers. She passes a WELL TO DO GENTLEMAN.

WELL TO DO GENTLEMANHow do you do?

RICH WOMANWell, thank you.

From a darkened doorway down the hall a Human Cigarette pokeshis head out. The Rich Woman takes a peek. They make eyecontact and the Human Cigarette motions for her to come over.

She looks around, thinks for a moment. The Human Cigarette winks at her. She blushes, starts to walk over.



As she turns the corner to the darkened room, the HumanCigarette grabs her arm and tosses her into the convenientlypresent and open Iron Maiden contraption, which SLAMS uponher entrance. SCREAMS. Blood seeps through the bottom.

SUPERIMPOSE: Cigarettes MURDER!

EXT. FARMERS MARKET - DAY

A COWBOY squeezes tomatoes at a stand.

COWBOYThat one feels good.

He puts it in his basket. He looks to the STAND OPERATOR.

COWBOY (CONT’D)Where’s your corn?

The Stand Operator points. The Cowboy looks over and lockseyes with the Human Cigarette lurking several stands away.The Human Cigarette head-nods for the Cowboy to come on over.The Cowboy shakes his head no and looks at corn.

The Cowboy turns to a different stand, but somehow locks eyes with the Human Cigarette again. He turns back to where he sawhim first, but he’s no longer there. He turns back. The HumanCigarette isn’t in the second spot anymore either.

COWBOY (CONT’D)Where’d he go?

A MUSHROOM CLOUD INDUCING EXPLOSION rocks the planet.SUPERIMPOSE: CIGARETTES COMMIT GENOCIDE!!!!!!!!

INT. ADVERTISING OFFICE - DAY

MURRAY BLATT sits at his fancy desk with his feet up.

MURRAY BLATTThese commercials are just a littleover the top, aren’t they?

Reveal: The Human Cigarette sits on the couch at the otherend of the office. He stands.

MURRAY BLATT (CONT’D)Wait. I didn’t mean it like that.

Human Cigarette takes out his revolver and shoots him. Hespits on the corpse and leaves.

2.



“I’M NOT GOING TO TELL YOU”

EXT. PARK BENCH - DAY

CLIFF and RONALD sit on a park bench.

CLIFF(laughing)

And that’s when he said he couldn’teat anymore. I tell you, I couldn’tbelieve it!

Ronald looks at the ground.

RONALDYes.

Cliff notices he’s not laughing anymore.

CLIFFSomething the matter?

RONALDHmm.

CLIFFI asked if something’s the matter.

RONALDIt’s possible.

CLIFFWell, what is it? We were both justgetting a good laugh out of thatlittle story...

RONALDI couldn’t say.

CLIFFDid I say something offensive? Ohplease, it’s me, Ronald!

RONALDI don’t know.

CLIFFI did? Really? Well, I’m reallysorry, Ron.

RONALDI doubt it.

3.



CLIFFWell, of course I’m sorry! What didI say?

RONALDI won’t repeat it.

CLIFFWell, I understand you’re upset,but if I don’t know what I said, I might repeat it.

(beat)What was it?

RONALDI’m not going to tell you.

CLIFFI see. Well, if you won’t tell me

what it is, will you at least tell me how I can make it up to you?

RONALDI can’t.

CLIFFYou can’t, eh? Or you won’t?


CLIFF

I feel terrible. I’ve made you feelbad. And now there’s nothing I cando to make it better.

RONALDI don’t know about all that.

CLIFFSo there is a way?

RONALDI couldn’t be sure.

CLIFFSurely, you know how you’d likethis to be rectified.

RONALDI wouldn’t say that.

4.



CLIFFThen what would you say, pal? Thisis killing me on the inside.

RONALDI wouldn’t know.

CLIFFYou just don’t want to sayanything, do you?

RONALDI wouldn’t imagine so...

He puts his arm on the bench rail to get up, when he isbitten by a snake, which attaches itself to his hand. Ronaldflails this about during the proceeding...

CLIFF

You’ve been bitten by a snake!

RONALDI guess I have.

CLIFFQuick! What should I do?


CLIFFOh, don’t start in with this

routine. This is an emergency!

RONALDWell, I don’t know about all that.

CLIFFWe need to get you medicalattention. Have you any idea what we should do?

RONALDI’m not going to tell you.

CLIFFThis is no time to stand onceremony! You might die if we don’tget you help.

RONALDI’m sure you think you’re right.

He faints.

5.



“SHOE STORE”

INT. SHOE EMPORIUM - DAY

ROBERT walks into the Shoe Emporium - a vivacious little shoe

boutique without much traffic at the moment. The SALESMAN walks over.

SALESMANHi, I’m Salesman. Welcome to ShoeEmporium. If you see something youlike, let me know and I’ll get itfor you.

ROBERTSalesman?

SALESMAN

Yes, I’m Salesman.

ROBERTIs that your name?

SALESMANOf course it isn’t. Now what can Ihelp you with? Let me guess...

He closes his eyes for a moment.

SALESMAN (CONT’D)(enthusiastically)

You’re in wait for some new “kicks”as the kids call them.

ROBERTYes, exactly. I want somethingcomfortable but not too casual.Something I can wear around thehouse or out-

SALESMANOn a date with the Misses?

ROBERTYes!

SALESMANOf course, of course! Well-

He walks over to a pair on display.

6.



SALESMAN (CONT’D)What about these?

Robert examines them; picks them up and feels the weight;looks for a price tag.

ROBERTThese aren’t half bad.

SALESMANYou might even say they are fullygood!

They share a LAUGH.

ROBERTI’d like to try these in a ten anda half.

SALESMANTen and a half, roger that. AndI’ll bring out a ten just in case.

ROBERTSounds good.

SALESMANPlease. Have a seat. Make yourselfperfectly comfortable and I’ll beright back.

ROBERT

Great.

He sits and Salesman walks away. SALESWOMAN stands by theregister.

SALESWOMANWhat are you trying on?

ROBERTOh, these over here.

He points at them.

SALESWOMANYou are going to love those. Theyare the most comfortable shoe wecarry.

ROBERTThey sound great.

7.



She smiles. He smiles. Out comes Salesman from the back, walking toward Robert, who CLAPS.

ROBERT (CONT’D)Let’s see ‘em.

SALESMANI regret to inform you, my goodsir, we didn’t have the size ten.

ROBERTThat’s OK. I’m usually a ten andhalf anyway.

SALESMANAnd we are fresh out of the ten anda half in those, as well.

ROBERT

Oh, that’s a shame.

SALESMANYes, I cursed in the back. But Idid bring these out. I think you’llfind them an apt substitute.

He opens the box and there are not shoes in there, per se;rather, there are two oblong glass vases.

ROBERTThese aren’t shoes.

SALESMANI think they’ll fit quite nicely, maybe a little snug in the front.But I think they may alsocompliment your eyes and thestylistic motif I picked up off youas you walked in.

SALESWOMANOh, yes. They highlight the motif, most definitely.

ROBERTThey’re made of glass. I can’t wearthese on my feet.

SALESMAN(sighs)

Very well. You didn’t seem thatparticular.

He packs up the box but pauses.

8.



SALESMAN (CONT’D)You won’t even try them on?

ROBERTI don’t think so. Do you haveanything else?

SALESMANAh, yes. In the back. Not sure whyI didn’t think of that.

He leaves for the back, and comes right out with three moreboxes.

SALESMAN (CONT’D)What do you think of these?

He opens the first box: two duck-hunting decoys.

ROBERTThese are still not shoes.

SALESMANNo?

He examines them.

SALESMAN (CONT’D)How about these?

He opens the second box: two small, scalloped watermelons.

ROBERTWhat?

SALESMANSize ten and a half.

ROBERTThis is fruit!

SALESMANYes, but do you want to try it on?

ROBERTNo!

SALESMANFine.

He puts them away and takes out the third box: a live ferret.

ROBERTI can’t wear this!

9.



SALESMANYes. I see. There’s only one. Rats.

SALESWOMANI think it’s a ferret, dear.

SALESMAN(to Saleswoman)You might be right.

(to Robert)So what will it be, friend? Are youinterested in shoes or not?

ROBERTI haven’t seen any shoes.

SALESMANWell, that’s certainly one opinion.

He shakes his head.

SALESMAN (CONT’D)(under his breath)

Some people are impossible.

He reluctantly takes the three boxes to the back. Andreluctantly walks back out carrying two boxes.

SALESMAN (CONT’D)Can I interest you-

ROBERT

Before you open that box: is it apair of shoes or not?

SALESMANOh, I think you’ll be quitepleased.

ROBERTOK...

Salesman opens the box: A diorama of a clay family eatingThanksgiving Dinner.

ROBERT (CONT’D)This is not pleasing at all.

SALESMANYou don’t find Thanksgivingpleasing at all? What kind ofperson are you?

Robert stands, affronted.

10.



ROBERTWhat kind of store is this?

SALESMANA shoe store for Christ’s sake!

ROBERTDo you have actual shoes for sale?

SALESMANOf course!

ROBERTIn the back?

SALESMANNo.

Robert picks up the display pair he requested.

ROBERTCan I buy these?

SALESMANI’m afraid they aren’t for sale.

ROBERTDo you even sell shoes here?!Show me what’s in this box.

He goes to pick up the last box, but Salesman lunges for it.

SALESMANNo.

ROBERTYes!

They wrestle, Robert eventually gaining control. He opens thebox: many sprigs of parsley; a dove flies out. Robert sneersat Salesman and Saleswoman.

ROBERT (CONT’D)You two should be ashamed.

He storms out. Salesman and Saleswoman stand in silence.

SALESMANWe’re never going to sell any ofthis stuff, are we?

SALESWOMANNever.

11.



“DRIVING DIRECTIONS”

INT. CAR - DAY

JERRY drives along the road with his trusty GPS mounted to

the windshield.

GPSIn a thousand feet make a righthand turn onto Carson street.

JERRYWhat the hell are you talkingabout? Carson’s one way.

He shakes his head and passes Carson.

GPS

In five hundred feet make a righthand turn onto Redwood street.

JERRYI guess even a broken clock’s righttwice a day...

He makes a right.

GPSIn a quarter mile merge onto I two-fifty.

JERRYWhat, are you crazy? I’m notgetting onto two-fifty at rushhour.

He SIGHS and keeps driving.

GPSMerge onto I two-fifty.

JERRYYou can say that all you want. Not

happening.

He drives past it.

GPSHey, you missed I two-fifty.

Jerry does a double take.

12.



JERRYWhat?

GPSYou missed I two-fifty and now Ihave to recalculate.

JERRYOK.

GPSRecalculating.

Silence builds over a few beats.

JERRYHey, uh, where do I turn? Probablyshould have made a left by now,right?

GPSSorry, I wasn’t paying attention,I’m recalculating our relationship.

JERRYOur relationship?

GPSYeah. You never listen.

JERRYOh, come on. I just use you for

suggestions.

GPSYou use me?

JERRYBad choice of words. I do reallyvalue your input.

GPSYou speak disrespectfully to me.You made me analogous to a broken

clock. Is that how you talk to women?

JERRYYou’re a woman?

GPSOh, nice. Way to bring up my looks.Loser. You could stand to lose some weight yourself.

13.



Jerry looks down at himself. He touches his midsection.

JERRYCome on.

GPS

What? You can dish it but youcannot take it?

Silence.

GPS (CONT’D)My mother was correct about you.

JERRYYour mother?

GPSDon’t you say a word about her. She

was the most loving, caring AtlasI’ve ever known.

JERRYAn Atlas? Does that mean yourfather was a comp-

GPSWhy do we always have to talk about my family?

JERRYI’m really just curious at this

point.

GPSThat’s funny, you’ve never beencurious enough to inquire about myfamily before. Selfish, perhaps?

Jerry throws up his arms.

JERRYI don’t know what to say. I’mreally sorry. I should listen to

you. You’re right. I’m sorry.

GPSThank you. That was sweet.

JERRYHey, I don’t want any problems withyou. We’re, uh, too close for that?

14.



GPSI agree.

A few beats.

JERRY

OK. So, I do need some directions,though.

GPSOf course.

(beat)After the curve in the road, make asharp right.

JERRYA sharp right?

He cranes his neck.

JERRY (CONT’D)I don’t see anything.

GPSAre you going to take thisseriously or not?

JERRY(sighs)

Yes.

GPS

In fifty feet make a sharp right.

JERRYOK.

EXT. CAR - DAY

He makes the right... Right off a cliff and soars into theocean. Jerry SCREAMS, the GPS LAUGHING the whole way down.

15.

Well, That Can't Be Right #3

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Transcript of Well, That Can't Be Right #3