Welcome to the epic world of Epic Legends of the Hierarchs...

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Welcome to the epic world of Epic Legends of the Hierarchs!...........24 History .....................................................................................................24 Timesorc’ley ............................................................................................27 Wiki...........................................................................................................28

The Elemenstor Cycle ...............................................................................28 The Elemenstor Cycle, Book 1: The Fires of Mount Windice..................30

Dust Jacket Notes ..................................................................................30 Jacket quotes ...........................................................................................32 Notes ........................................................................................................32 Plot elements explained ........................................................................32

The Elemenstor Cycle, Book 2: Dawn of the Dark Shadows ..................34 Dust Jacket Notes ..................................................................................34 Summary..................................................................................................35

Spoilers ................................................................................................35 Excerpts ...................................................................................................36 Trivia ........................................................................................................37 Fan Reactions .........................................................................................37

The Elemenstor Cycle, Book 3: The Rubion Sword.................................38 Dust Jacket Notes ..................................................................................38 Book Highlights .....................................................................................38 Reviews ....................................................................................................39 Excerpts ...................................................................................................40 Commentary ...........................................................................................40

The Elemenstor Cycle, Book 4: Curse of the Doombane ..........................41 Dust Jacket Notes ..................................................................................41 Notes ........................................................................................................42 Excerpts ...................................................................................................42

The Elemenstor Cycle, Book 5: The Underpants of the Underdeep..........44 Dust Jacket Notes ..................................................................................44 Fan Reactions .........................................................................................44 New Characters ......................................................................................45 Felthar the Moderately Handsome..................................................45 Cubby ....................................................................................................45 Serafina Haberdasheron.........................................................................45 Gorg Stinkrot ........................................................................................45 Borold Gravelsnot III, Revered Keeper of the Ornamental Dishwashing Liquid ..............................................................................45 Dorc the Incontinent, King of Ezermethalon...................................45 Professor Bertus Tanklebing ...............................................................45 Headmaster Scrooble ...........................................................................45 The Fanged Vole-Guard ......................................................................45 Air Elemenstor Qaxrad of Syzz ........................................................46 Queen-Princess Xanzandrinzel (briefly) ...............................................46

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Recurring Characters .............................................................................46 Dogus Brankorking, now the ripe old age of 86. After the events of this book he leaves the order of Fire Elemenstation and becomes one of the Wasted Elemenstors...........................................46

Notes ........................................................................................................46 Observations ...........................................................................................46

The Elemenstor Cycle, Book 6: Nightstand’s Peril ..................................47 Dust Jacket Notes ..................................................................................47 Behind the Scenes ..................................................................................47 Recurring Characters .............................................................................48 Felthar the Moderately Handsome And Now Darkly Mysterious...............................................................................................................48 Cubby ....................................................................................................48 Serafina Haberdasheron .........................................................................48 Gorg Stinkrot ........................................................................................48 Borold Gravelsnot III, Revered Keeper of the Ornamental Dishwashing Liquid...............................................................................48 Dogus Brankorking, Wasted Elemenstor and his familiar, Turnum, the Smug Ape .......................................................................................48 Grimfleur, antagonist majore (minor villain last seen in The Rubion Sword)....................................................................................................48

New Characters ......................................................................................48 Drongor the Unexpected, King of Ezermethalon, Son of Dorc the Incontinent..........................................................................................48 Gimba, Lady of Terle...........................................................................48 Doric, Knight of the Lady of Terle ...................................................48 Semmellhalt, Squire of the Knight of the Lady of Terle .................48 Abercrombie, Accidental Furniliar of the Squire of the Knight of the Lady of Terle .................................................................................49 Mycho Eharb, Itinerant Scribe of the Lady of Terle and author of SET:HToLE .......................................................................................49 Grim Paperpush, Head Bureau-crat of the Ezermethalonian Department of Active Furnishings ..........................................................49 Stoutback, Captain of the Chair Brigade ............................................49 Straightleg, Seargant of the Chair Brigade ..........................................49 Persephalous, Lieutenant of the Chair Brigade, Stoutback’s lackey. .49 Zynthar, Wasted Elemenstor (Only appears in rare early draft) .49 Elspeth the Plainsrunner, Savannah Ranger and guide........................49

Related Literature ...................................................................................49 Excerpts from the book ........................................................................50

The Elemenstor Cycle, Book 7: The Trial at Elddim’s Peak ..................52 Dust Jacket Notes ..................................................................................52 Three Foolish Children .........................................................................53

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Misc Notes ..............................................................................................53 Chapter 8 .................................................................................................54

The Elemenstor Cycle, Book 8: The Archmagi of Eldersbane .................56 Dust Jacket Notes ..................................................................................56

Book Highlights.................................................................................57 Misc Notes ..............................................................................................57 Chapter Summaries................................................................................57

Book 8 is 27 chapters long, 244 pages...........................................58 Chapters 1-3: ......................................................................................58 Chapters 4-5: ......................................................................................58 Chapters 6-9: ......................................................................................58 Chapters 10-13: ..................................................................................58 Chapters 14-16: ..................................................................................58 Chapters 17-19: ..................................................................................59 Chapters 20-23: ..................................................................................59 Chapters 24-25: ..................................................................................59 Chapter 26: .........................................................................................59 Chapter 27: .........................................................................................60

Excerpts: ..................................................................................................60 Appendices A & B: ................................................................................61 Endnotes: ................................................................................................62

The Elemenstor Cycle, Book 9: Rise of the Rhjajyept ..............................62 Dust Jacket Notes ..................................................................................62 Notes ........................................................................................................62 Excerpts ...................................................................................................64

The Elemenstor Cycle, Book 10: The Hierarch Wars Begin (Colloquially, Elemenstors Gone Wild, Vol. I).....................................................................65

Dust Jacket Notes ..................................................................................65 Dust Jacket (On editions of Book 10 printed after Book 12)........65 Notes ........................................................................................................66 Recurring Characters .............................................................................67 Sierra Vanity ........................................................................................67 Guddboy Lad ........................................................................................67 Serafina Haberdasheron (deceased) .....................................................67 Borold Gravelsnot III, Revered Keeper of the Ornamental Dishwashing Liquid ..............................................................................67 Persephalous, Ex-Lieutenant of the Chair Brigade, Hermit.............67

New Characters ......................................................................................67 Barven Valori, Furniliar, secret lover to Persephalous.......................67 Baltor the Upright, Wasted Elemenstor known also as Killer Black...67 Toran, the young and impressionable Elemenstor ..........................67 Companionship of the Elemenstors (appear at the end of the book and in the next two volumes)..........................................................67

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Unsolved Mysteries ................................................................................68 Excerpts from the Text .........................................................................68 Related articles ........................................................................................69

The Elemenstor Cycle, Book 11: The Hierarch Wars Continue (colloquially, Elemenstors Gone Wild, Vol. II)............................................69

Dust Jacket Notes (presented on a subdivider page in the “Hierarch’s Trilogy” of books 10, 11 and 12.) ..................................69 Notes ........................................................................................................70 Notable Events .......................................................................................71 The Digressions......................................................................................72 Related articles ........................................................................................72

The Elemenstor Cycle, Book 12 : End of the Hierarch Wars (Colloquially, Elemenstors: Spring Break ‘2,167) ........................................73

Dust Jacket Notes ..................................................................................73 Notes ........................................................................................................73 Key Events in the Story ........................................................................74 Related articles ........................................................................................75

The Elemenstor Cycle, Book 13: The Glaivemistress(es) of Arvalyyon.....75 Dust Jacket Notes ..................................................................................76 Comments ...............................................................................................76 Knack Aware Microbes.........................................................................77 Excerpts from the Text .........................................................................78 ULTIMATE SPOILER ........................................................................78

The Elemenstor Cycle, Book 13 and ½: The Eternal Timesorc’ley of Middlemoon.....................................................................................................79

Synopsis....................................................................................................79 Contents ...................................................................................................79 Notes ........................................................................................................80 Excerpts Found So Far .........................................................................80

: .......................................................................................................................81 ; .......................................................................................................................81 The Number 3,895,074 ..............................................................................82 A Night at The Rusty Spear ......................................................................84 Abercrombie ................................................................................................85 Action Sequence..........................................................................................85 Affenlichtbaum............................................................................................86 Agash.............................................................................................................86

Basic Rules...............................................................................................87 Setup ....................................................................................................87 The Throwing Phase .........................................................................88 The Deciding Phase ..........................................................................88 Victory Conditions ............................................................................89

Optional Rules ........................................................................................89

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Advanced Techniques ...........................................................................90 Agash in Battal ........................................................................................91 Agash in the Real World .......................................................................91

Air..................................................................................................................92 Aklom Reklats .............................................................................................93

The Exile .................................................................................................93 The Manisfestation ................................................................................94 The Death and Rebirth .........................................................................94

Ale .................................................................................................................95 The Kingdom of Alfafanar .......................................................................95 History ..........................................................................................................96

The Clans.................................................................................................96 The Founding of the Kingdom ...........................................................96 The End? .................................................................................................97

Economics ...................................................................................................97 Kings.............................................................................................................97 The Allsoul...................................................................................................98 Alvin Williams .............................................................................................98 Amberberry..................................................................................................98 Fan Art..........................................................................................................99 Anonymous Third Person Observer.......................................................99

Theories on the Observer’s identity .................................................100 The Observer is Brahe....................................................................100 The Observer is a fictional character ...........................................100 The Observer doesn’t exist............................................................101

What about the rest of The Elemenstor Cycle?....................................101 The Anti-Climax of Northeastern Crestplains ....................................102 Antior..........................................................................................................102 Apostrophine.............................................................................................102 Arcadus.......................................................................................................103 The Arcane Elvin Language ...................................................................103 Arcane Northern Realms ........................................................................103 Archibald Almalastor ...............................................................................104 Archimedes Breakwind............................................................................105 Archmagi of Eldersbane..........................................................................105 Ark Riven ...................................................................................................106 Arkazanthal ................................................................................................106 Arkleaf ........................................................................................................107 Arvalyyon ...................................................................................................107 Asana Millytopthought ............................................................................107 Atlantistantinople......................................................................................107 Availability..................................................................................................108

Published works and availability........................................................108

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Book 1: The Fires of Mount Windice (Colloquially, A New Franchise)................................................................................................................ 108 Book 2: Dawn of the Dark Shadows (Colloquially, The Elemenstors Strike Back) ............................................................................................ 109 Book 3: The Rubion Sword.................................................................... 109 Book 4: Curse of the Doombane ............................................................. 110 Book 5: The Underpants of the Underdeep............................................. 110 Book 6: Nightstand|Nightstand’s Peril ................................................. 110 Book 7: The Trial at Elddim’s Peak ..................................................... 111 Book 8: The Archmagi of Eldersbane .................................................... 111 Book 9: Rise of the Rhjajyept ................................................................. 111 Book 10: The Hierarch Wars Begin (Colloquially, Elemenstors Gone Wild, Vol. I)........................................................................................... 112 Book 11: The Hierarch Wars Continue (Colloquially, Elemenstors Gone Wild, Vol. II) ......................................................................................... 112 Book 12: End of the Hierarch Wars (Colloquially, Elemenstors: Spring Break ‘2,167) * ...................................................................................... 113 Book 13: Glaivemistress(es) of Arvalyyon (Colloquially, Was He Drunk Or What?) .............................................................................................. 113

Bag of Tender Holding ........................................................................... 115 Bag of the Endless Void ......................................................................... 115 Baltor the Upright.................................................................................... 116 Banachronation ........................................................................................ 116 The Baren Swamplands of Yore ........................................................... 117 Barven Valori ............................................................................................ 118 Bathtub Furniliars .................................................................................... 118

What Zuumont Learned Spoiler Warning ......................................... 119 Other Appearances of Bathtub Furniliars ...................................... 120

Battal .......................................................................................................... 121 History of the Geography.................................................................. 121 The Names of the Lands ................................................................... 121 Kingdoms of Battal ............................................................................. 122

The First Battal................................................................................ 122 Battal of the Magic Sword Kings ................................................. 122 To Be Continued... ......................................................................... 123

Maps ...................................................................................................... 123 Battal Adventures..................................................................................... 124

Summary........................................................................................... 124 Timeline............................................................................................ 125

Battle of Firthmore Loch ....................................................................... 125 Battle of Foelttabeht................................................................................ 125 Battle of Mort ........................................................................................... 127 The Battle of Splinters ............................................................................ 128

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Battle of the Moonlit Banners ................................................................130 Battle of Windfield Plains .......................................................................130 Battlestaff ...................................................................................................131 Battlestaff-Related Poses .........................................................................131 The Bay of Cream.....................................................................................132 BBBBandana, Apocalyptica ....................................................................133

Origin .....................................................................................................133 References in the Saga.........................................................................133

Beef .............................................................................................................133 Bendloyer Felkin.......................................................................................134

Official Information ............................................................................134 Fan Fiction ............................................................................................134

Bertus Tanklebing.....................................................................................135 Bibee ...........................................................................................................135 Black Flame ...............................................................................................136 Blee..............................................................................................................137

History ...................................................................................................137 Geography.............................................................................................138

Places .................................................................................................138 Notable Figures ....................................................................................138

Blood...........................................................................................................139 Blossomwand ............................................................................................140 Bodice Bane...............................................................................................140 Bom.............................................................................................................140 Review of ‘The Elemenstor Cycle, Book 3: The Rubion Sword’ by Charlton C. Mayze....................................................................................140 Borold Gravelsnot III..............................................................................142

ELotH:TES Canon..............................................................................142 Brahe-prime ...............................................................................................142 Brahe Code ................................................................................................143 Brezgar Two-Eye ......................................................................................143 Bright Moons ............................................................................................144 Bureau-crat.................................................................................................145 Captain Tev................................................................................................146 Cataclysmic Bluont ...................................................................................147 Century of Fire..........................................................................................147 The Chair Brigade.....................................................................................148

ELotH:TES Canon..............................................................................149 Char Reyarteb............................................................................................149

Early Days .............................................................................................149 Beginnings and Ends...........................................................................149 The Unsundering and Reformation..................................................150 Reyarteb’s Defeat .................................................................................151

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Reyarteb’s Return and the Hierarch Wars ...................................... 151 Fan Art................................................................................................... 152

Chasing Death .......................................................................................... 153 Summary........................................................................................... 153 Timeline............................................................................................ 153

Cheddarblade Cornuthaum.................................................................... 153 The Children of Valedaleglenhill, or The Three Foolish Children ........ 154 Chrome Garden ....................................................................................... 154 The Chronoclave...................................................................................... 155 Chronoclone ............................................................................................. 157 Chthonic Swinemen ................................................................................ 158

Criticism ................................................................................................ 158 Famous Clerical Healers: ........................................................................ 159 The Comfortable-Looking Sofa ............................................................ 159 Companionship of the Elemenstors..................................................... 160

Members of the Original Companionship...................................... 160 Additional Elemenstors (arrived later) ............................................ 160

Convolution and Complexity................................................................. 161 Criticism of Brahe’s Approach.......................................................... 161

The Council of Elders and Betters ....................................................... 162 Crestplains ................................................................................................. 163 Crystalcrown Chronicles......................................................................... 164

Notes ..................................................................................................... 164 Characters ............................................................................................. 165 Locations............................................................................................... 165 Misc Notable Events .......................................................................... 166

Cubby ......................................................................................................... 166 Biography .................................................................................................. 166

Death ..................................................................................................... 167 Re-Furniliarisation............................................................................... 167 ELotH:TES Canon ............................................................................. 167

Curld........................................................................................................... 167 Cylinder and Tube Theories................................................................... 168

General Assumptions ......................................................................... 168 The Three Weapon Theory ............................................................... 168 The Tube is Cylinder Theory ............................................................ 169 The Tube is Tube Theory .................................................................. 169

Dark Doomblade of Magical Overarching Darkness........................ 169 Dark Elemenstation................................................................................. 170 Dark Elemenstors .................................................................................... 171

Other Dark Elemenstors ................................................................... 172 Dark Fourteen .......................................................................................... 172 The Dark Master ...................................................................................... 173

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The Darkstorm..........................................................................................173 Effects.........................................................................................................174 The Dead Lands .......................................................................................175 Death in the Family: A Very Special Wizbits ......................................176

Summary................................................................................................177 Moral..................................................................................................177

Notes ......................................................................................................177 Cast and Crew.......................................................................................178

Written by .........................................................................................178 Directed by .......................................................................................178

Comments .............................................................................................179 Dellberry.....................................................................................................179 Department of Active Furnishings........................................................180

Notable Officials ..................................................................................180 Dim Elves ..................................................................................................180

General Description ............................................................................180 Addendum from The works of The Chronicler ...........................181

Phylogeny ..............................................................................................182 Militia......................................................................................................182

DivX ...........................................................................................................182 Dogus Brankorking ..................................................................................183

Canon References ................................................................................183 Comments .............................................................................................186

Dolphinthropes.........................................................................................186 Dooblegnards ............................................................................................187 The Doomblade........................................................................................187 Doorknob Marshals .................................................................................188 Dorc the Incontinent ...............................................................................188 Doric ...........................................................................................................189 Doublemint................................................................................................189 Dreemkast, the Dreamcaster ..................................................................190 The drinking and pill binge. ....................................................................190

Overview ...............................................................................................190 The Facts ...............................................................................................191 The Theories .........................................................................................191

From The Mundane........................................................................191 Through The Paranoid ...................................................................192 To The Fantastic .............................................................................192 • The Truth-.................................................................................193

Drinking Games........................................................................................193 King Drongor the Unexpected ..............................................................195 Dwarfsdown ..............................................................................................195 Dwarves......................................................................................................196

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Culture................................................................................................... 196 Wandering ........................................................................................ 197 Dwarf Women................................................................................. 197 Longevity.......................................................................................... 197

Government ......................................................................................... 198 Cuisine ................................................................................................... 198 Alcohol .................................................................................................. 198 Pantheon ............................................................................................... 199

The Dwarven Gods........................................................................ 199 Calendar ................................................................................................ 199 Rivalry.................................................................................................... 200 Note ....................................................................................................... 200

Dyemons ................................................................................................... 200 Methods of defeating dyemons......................................................... 201

Earth........................................................................................................... 203 Epic Fan Companion (EFC).................................................................. 204 Effervescent Lake .................................................................................... 204 Ekezenthal................................................................................................. 205 Fan Art ....................................................................................................... 206 lanfariestel the Easily Convinced .......................................................... 206 Eldersbane................................................................................................. 207 Eldritch Rift .............................................................................................. 207 Elemenstation........................................................................................... 208 Elemenstors .............................................................................................. 208 Elemenstor Cycle Timeline .................................................................... 210 The Elemenstor of Light ........................................................................ 210 Elemenstor Radio Dramas ..................................................................... 211 Elemenstrix ............................................................................................... 212 Elements .................................................................................................... 212

Introduction ......................................................................................... 212 Primary Elements ................................................................................ 213 Secondary Elements............................................................................ 213 Ur-Elements ......................................................................................... 214 Ur-Ur-Elements................................................................................... 214 Dark Elemenstation Facets ............................................................... 214 Elementals and Dark Spirits .............................................................. 215 Other Elements ................................................................................... 215 Not Elements In The Purest Sense, But Close Enough To Be Listed Here ........................................................................................... 215 Terminology ......................................................................................... 216

Elmether (or, The Elmether) ................................................................. 217 ELotH : The Furnishing......................................................................... 217

Controversy .......................................................................................... 219

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ELotH Limited Edition Busts................................................................220 Elspeth the Plainsrunner .........................................................................221 Elves............................................................................................................222

Shared characteristics of the Elves include: ....................................222 History ...................................................................................................223

Elvin Factions ..................................................................................223 Government .....................................................................................224

Pantheon................................................................................................224 Epic .............................................................................................................224

Back to Elements | Back to Complete List of Elements .............224 Epic Hierarch Monthly............................................................................225

Notable Issues ......................................................................................225 Premier Issue #1: “Ready or not! Here comes ElamenSTAR!”............................................................................................................226

Epic Legends Of The Hierarchs: The Elemenstor Saga, as read by James Earl Jones .......................................................................................226 Epic Wolf Men of Mount Wor ..............................................................227 Epicness .....................................................................................................228 Eulithian Resonance Vector ...................................................................228 Evilnors ......................................................................................................229

Evilnor Concept Art............................................................................229 Kingdom of Ezermethalon.....................................................................230

Location .................................................................................................230 Geography.............................................................................................230

Places .................................................................................................230 Notable Ezermethalonians.................................................................231 Notable Ezermethalonian Events .....................................................231 Ezermethalonian Organisations ........................................................231 ELotH:TES Canon..............................................................................231

FaeriWraithe Lands ..................................................................................231 Familiar.......................................................................................................232

Examples include.............................................................................232 Fanged Vole-Guard..................................................................................232 Farnvania....................................................................................................232 Felthar the Moderately Handsome........................................................233

The Early Years ....................................................................................233 The School Years .................................................................................234 The After-School Years ......................................................................234 The After-After-School Years ...........................................................234 After the After-After-School Years (spoiler) ..................................234 ELotH:TES Canon..............................................................................235

Fans for a True Tycho Brahe Epic (FfaTTBE) ..................................235 Finkfru ........................................................................................................236

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Finnish “Translation”.............................................................................. 236 Fire.............................................................................................................. 238 Fonard........................................................................................................ 240 The Forests of Misery ............................................................................. 241 The Legendary Four Plaster Shards...................................................... 241 The Four Underdogs............................................................................... 242 Free Furniliars........................................................................................... 243 Fregor the Untruthful.............................................................................. 244 Fumias Humblor ...................................................................................... 245 Furniliar ..................................................................................................... 245

ELotH:TES Canon ........................................................................ 246 Merchandise..................................................................................... 246

Furry People.............................................................................................. 247 Gabe ........................................................................................................... 247 Gavment Rayling...................................................................................... 248 Fan Art ....................................................................................................... 249 Gem Flecks ............................................................................................... 250

Origins .............................................................................................. 250 Gespechio.................................................................................................. 250

General .................................................................................................. 251 The Story of Gespechio ..................................................................... 251

Gimba ........................................................................................................ 253 The Ginormous Soul............................................................................... 253 Gladiatingor .............................................................................................. 254 Glaive ......................................................................................................... 254 Glaivemistress........................................................................................... 255 Glaivemistress of Arvalyyon .................................................................. 255 Goats and Silver ....................................................................................... 255 Gorg Stinkrot............................................................................................ 256

ELotH:TES Canon ............................................................................. 257 Gorthmaugs .............................................................................................. 257 Graha.......................................................................................................... 259 Great Iceberg Sea..................................................................................... 260 Grim Paperpush ....................................................................................... 260

ELotH:TES Canon ............................................................................. 261 Grimfleur................................................................................................... 261 Grimgrieve ................................................................................................ 262 Guddboy Lad............................................................................................ 262 Guild of Free Traders.............................................................................. 264 Gulrab ........................................................................................................ 264 Hairball ...................................................................................................... 264 Halfmen ..................................................................................................... 265 Halfmen Revolution ................................................................................ 265

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Harbingers..................................................................................................265 Harbinger Omen.......................................................................................266 Harbinger Portent.....................................................................................267 The Hat of Destiny ..................................................................................268 He is already dead.....................................................................................268 Heart ...........................................................................................................269

The Debate............................................................................................269 Implications in Battle Theory ............................................................270 Heart and Metaphysics........................................................................271

Heeroh Troughberry ................................................................................272 Hepgoiess ...................................................................................................274 The Hidden Moon....................................................................................274 Spoiler .........................................................................................................275 Hierarch Larchmere .................................................................................275

General...................................................................................................275 Real World Interpretations.................................................................276

The Hierarch Wars ...................................................................................277 Books of the Hierarch Wars ..............................................................277

Hierarchs ....................................................................................................277 High Elemenstation .................................................................................278

The Runeglyphabet ..................................................................................279 High Elemenstor.......................................................................................279

Weapons of the High Elemenstor................................................280 Homo Canii ...............................................................................................280 Interesting Facts:.......................................................................................280 Dust Jacket.................................................................................................281 Plot ..............................................................................................................281 Horatio Luskfish.......................................................................................283 Ickthorn the Unpopular ..........................................................................284 The Infurnal...............................................................................................285 The Institute Of Accoutermentia ..........................................................286

Notable Alumni....................................................................................286 Notable Staff.........................................................................................286

Isaac Purcheron ........................................................................................287 Ishkarot Doogan.......................................................................................287 Ithbarg ........................................................................................................287 Ithbarg II....................................................................................................288 Jarvelos .......................................................................................................289 Jubilee of the New Year ..........................................................................289 Jyept Adept ................................................................................................290 Kapybara ....................................................................................................292

ELotH:TES Canon .........................................................................293 Fan Art........................................................................................................294

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Kelembad .................................................................................................. 294 Recorded Kings and Queens of Kelembad .................................... 295

Killer Black................................................................................................ 295 King Ronard ............................................................................................. 296 Knight Moon Roar .................................................................................. 298 Knobble the Desk.................................................................................... 299 Kordish Butter.......................................................................................... 299

The Story of Mort and the Kordish butter ...................................... 299 Lady Absinthia.......................................................................................... 300

Birth ....................................................................................................... 300 Life ......................................................................................................... 300 Fame ...................................................................................................... 301 Death ..................................................................................................... 301 After Death........................................................................................... 301 trivia ....................................................................................................... 302 Quotes ................................................................................................... 302

Fan Art ....................................................................................................... 302 Lands of Va............................................................................................... 303

Geography of Va ................................................................................. 303 Politics of Va........................................................................................ 303 Languages of Va .................................................................................. 304 Industries of Va ................................................................................... 304

Lapua Elves Movement .......................................................................... 304 Larrana Modpeer...................................................................................... 304 Lavatoria .................................................................................................... 305 Law 323...................................................................................................... 306

Entertainment/Tautology Renumeration Law.......................... 306 Lextor the Vextor..................................................................................... 309 Lift Maiden................................................................................................ 309 Linuxium ................................................................................................... 310

Tied to everything........................................................................... 310 Notes ..................................................................................................... 310

List of Sensoared Spells and Gears....................................................... 311 Forbidden Spells .................................................................................. 311 Double Forbidden Spells ................................................................... 311 Naughty Spells ..................................................................................... 312 Spells That Are Best Not Even to Talk About .............................. 312 Forbidden Gears.................................................................................. 312 Double Forbidden Gears................................................................... 312 Naughty Gears ..................................................................................... 312 Gears That Are Best Not Even to Talk About (BNEtTa) .......... 312 Notes ..................................................................................................... 313

Littleosopher-Kings................................................................................. 313

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Longsword +π...........................................................................................314 Lopae of Hopea ........................................................................................330 Fan Art........................................................................................................331 Lord B’gh’d (623 - 850) ...........................................................................331 Lord Kinlo .................................................................................................332 Fan Art........................................................................................................333 Lord Silvermane Snarlsnout....................................................................334 Magic Puzzleboxes ...................................................................................335 Whatsinyeeargh .........................................................................................335 Magic Sword Kings ..................................................................................336 Magistrate Prophet Neighsayer ..............................................................338 Malatox, The Omni Scarf........................................................................338 Mandleclang...............................................................................................338

Cities, Villages, and Hamlets (and other such locations of interest) of Mangleclang .....................................................................................339

Manwich St Meatily ..................................................................................339 Maskatoo ....................................................................................................340 Colonel McAllister....................................................................................340 Middleclang................................................................................................340 The Middlemoon ......................................................................................342 Mike Krahulik............................................................................................342 Million Year War ......................................................................................343 MooMaa .....................................................................................................343

Story........................................................................................................344 Powers of MooMaa .............................................................................345 MooMaa Trivia .....................................................................................346 MooMaa’s Forms .................................................................................346

Mordichai Alamede ..................................................................................347 In The Wizbits Cartoon ..........................................................................348 The Insanity ..........................................................................................348 The Aftermath ......................................................................................349

Mort and the Day Absolutely Nothing of Any Import Happened .350 Mort and the Earl of the Pirates ............................................................351 Mort and the Unusually Big Cow ..........................................................355 Mort and the Yogurt of Doom ..............................................................355 Mosaic Platter of Ronard ........................................................................356 Mount Windice .........................................................................................358

Notes ......................................................................................................358 Mount Wor ................................................................................................359 Mountain Dew Epic Black......................................................................359 Mucksuckers ..............................................................................................360 The Mud King...........................................................................................360 Mycho Eharb.............................................................................................361

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Myrkmoom ............................................................................................... 362 ELotH:TES Canon ........................................................................ 362

The NightLairds ....................................................................................... 363 The NightLairds .................................................................................. 363

Nightstand................................................................................................. 364 Niozeyon ................................................................................................... 365 Noddy Chillbreezey ................................................................................. 365 Non-Life .................................................................................................... 366 Northern Vale........................................................................................... 366 Nutfob ....................................................................................................... 367 Oblivion..................................................................................................... 367 Ohcyt Panamarans................................................................................... 368 Old House of Eyekia Lane..................................................................... 369 Old Karpithon .......................................................................................... 369 Ornamental Dishwashing Liquid .......................................................... 370 Orphenna Troughberry........................................................................... 370

Notes ..................................................................................................... 371 Oryand and Greg ..................................................................................... 371

Notes ..................................................................................................... 371 P’km’n the Hungry .................................................................................. 372 Parable of the Swimming Rabbit........................................................... 372 Pastafarianism and The Elemenstor Cycle .......................................... 375 Perilous Circumstances ........................................................................... 376 Persephalous Extarba.............................................................................. 377 Pixlies ......................................................................................................... 378 Plague Mother Spore............................................................................... 378 Plain Plains Plane ..................................................................................... 379 Plane of Brooding Melancholia ............................................................. 380 Pormora ..................................................................................................... 380 Portund ...................................................................................................... 381

Reasons Why Portund Never Achieved Twelve Realm Status ... 382 Locations within Portund .................................................................. 382 Places to Visit ....................................................................................... 382

Elemenstor Prigglesnap .......................................................................... 383 Princess Crystalcrown ............................................................................. 383 Pyromancer ............................................................................................... 385 Qaxrad of Syzz ......................................................................................... 386 Queen-Princess Xanzandrinzel ............................................................. 386 Fan Art ....................................................................................................... 387 Quotable Quotes...................................................................................... 387

Canon Literature.................................................................................. 387 The Wizbits............................................................................................. 391 Misc ELotH Quotes from other sources........................................ 392

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Real World Quotes ..............................................................................392 Raunch Iron...............................................................................................393 Raven Darkblood......................................................................................394 Fan Art........................................................................................................394 Ray Charebet .............................................................................................395 Ray the Telesorcerial ................................................................................395 Real Life Timeline ....................................................................................398

1543 ........................................................................................................398 1601 ........................................................................................................398 1977 ........................................................................................................398 1978 ........................................................................................................399 1980 ........................................................................................................399 1982 ........................................................................................................399 1986 ........................................................................................................399 1987 ........................................................................................................400 1988 ........................................................................................................400 1989 ........................................................................................................400 1992 ........................................................................................................401 1994 ........................................................................................................401 1996 ........................................................................................................401 1997 ........................................................................................................402 1998 ........................................................................................................403 1999 ........................................................................................................404 2000 ........................................................................................................405 2001 ........................................................................................................405 2002 ........................................................................................................406 2003 ........................................................................................................407 2004 ........................................................................................................407 2005 ........................................................................................................407 2006 ........................................................................................................408 2007 ........................................................................................................409 2008 ........................................................................................................409 Date Unknown .....................................................................................409

Realmmasters.............................................................................................410 Realmworlds Delicious Freezees Inc ....................................................411 Realmworlds Publishing ..........................................................................411 Recliner of Botany ....................................................................................412 Return to Underpants campaign............................................................412 Revolp Darkblood ....................................................................................413 Rhaja Lord .................................................................................................413 Rhjajyept.....................................................................................................414 Rickett’s and Toby’s Guide.....................................................................415 Rogue Chronosorcellors..........................................................................417

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Ronard Dynasty........................................................................................ 418 Ronard the Medium................................................................................. 419 King Ronard the Shorter ........................................................................ 419 Rubian ........................................................................................................ 420

Tied with Stream. ............................................................................. 420 Origins of rubian ................................................................................. 421 Role in Wizbits Elemenstor Battle ......................................................... 422

Sabembermoff .......................................................................................... 422 Savannah Ranger...................................................................................... 424

Notable Savannah Rangers ................................................................ 424 Headmaster Profineous Scrooble ......................................................... 424 Semmellhalt ............................................................................................... 424 Serafina Haberdasheron.......................................................................... 425

Background .......................................................................................... 425 Merchandise ......................................................................................... 426 ELotH:TES Canon ............................................................................. 426

Fan Art ....................................................................................................... 427 Somewhat Epic Trilogy: Hot Times on Little Earth ......................... 428 Shadia ......................................................................................................... 428 Shatterfrag ................................................................................................. 429 Sierra Vanity.............................................................................................. 429

Early Days............................................................................................. 430 Guddboy Lad and The Old House .................................................. 430 The Gathering Storm.......................................................................... 430 Her Tragic End.................................................................................... 431

Simon the Severe...................................................................................... 432 Single Author Theory.............................................................................. 432 Sjkarblae..................................................................................................... 433

General .................................................................................................. 433 Apparent Descendents ....................................................................... 434

The Slightly Older Ones ......................................................................... 434 Smug Ape .................................................................................................. 435 Sotar Olderndirt ....................................................................................... 436 The Spaghetti Plane ................................................................................. 436

Back to Planes .................................................................................... 436 Spaghetti Westerns................................................................................... 438 spica ............................................................................................................ 438 Spica Mines ............................................................................................... 439 Spica Wars ................................................................................................. 439

Overview............................................................................................... 439 Timeline Events................................................................................... 440

Spiral Doom.............................................................................................. 441 Squidgy....................................................................................................... 442

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Ssskssenek ..................................................................................................442 Ssskssenekland ..........................................................................................443 Staffmaestro Rodney................................................................................443 The Starborn Gem ...................................................................................444

The Anvil and its Splinter...................................................................444 Discovery and Reinvention ................................................................444 Pawns and Knights ..............................................................................445 Miscellaneous Information.................................................................445

Steppy Rayling ...........................................................................................446 Stoutback....................................................................................................448 Straightleg...................................................................................................448 Sw’ftfl’w River ...........................................................................................448 Tentacled Ancient Beast Yamshothog..................................................449 Terle ............................................................................................................449

Important Locations in Terle.............................................................450 Cities ..................................................................................................450 Villages ..............................................................................................450 Rivers .................................................................................................451

The Accursed Lake...................................................................................451 The Adventures of Isaac and Raven .....................................................451

Mini Episode Guide ............................................................................452 The Allied Troll and Ogre Door Guarders and Footmen Union....453 The Ambulatator ......................................................................................453 The Ambulatory Dresser that Shouted I at the Heart of the World

(世界の中心でアイを叫んだ徒歩の鏡台) ....................................454 Summary................................................................................................454 Notes ......................................................................................................455 Comments .............................................................................................456

The Bravery of the Doomed ..................................................................456 The Coast of Exotic Adventure.............................................................457

Towns/Villages/Seaports...................................................................457 Islands ....................................................................................................457

The Dank ...................................................................................................458 The Dunce Cap of Shame.......................................................................458 The Dyecast Nine.....................................................................................458

The Figurines ........................................................................................458 The Story ...............................................................................................459

The Eight Elemental Constructs ...........................................................459 The Four Vales..........................................................................................460

Nature of the Vales..............................................................................460 The Fourteenth Manuscript....................................................................462 The Gouth .................................................................................................463 The Great War of the Warlords.............................................................464

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The Heirarch Wars: The Hidden And Very Dangerous Wars......... 465 Summary........................................................................................... 465 Timeline............................................................................................ 465

The Horseless Nomads of the Chasm ................................................. 465 The Kingdom of Parsonya. .................................................................... 467 The Kingdom of Yymp. ......................................................................... 468

Cities of Yymp ..................................................................................... 469 The Knack................................................................................................. 469 The Land of Thrown Fish...................................................................... 470

Government ......................................................................................... 471 The Warlord Kings......................................................................... 471

Geography ............................................................................................ 472 A Possible Origin ................................................................................ 472

The Longest Moment.............................................................................. 473 Timeline Events................................................................................... 473 Overview............................................................................................... 474

Introduction..................................................................................... 474 The Dwarfball Match and the Undoing of Fonard .................. 474 Yar the Sorcerial and Ronard’s Very Large But Unenchanted Spikey Hammer............................................................................... 475

The Machine ............................................................................................. 476 The Mighty and Merciless Magical Monkey King Staff .................... 476 The Parchment Cylinder......................................................................... 477 The Resundering ...................................................................................... 478 The Rise and Fall of Minuschitae: The Longest Moment ...................... 479

Excerpts ................................................................................................ 479 The Rise of the Elemenstors.................................................................. 480 The Rubion Sword, The Blade of Zonard .......................................... 481 The Satchel................................................................................................ 481 The Savage Brutality of the War Men .................................................. 482 The Shield.................................................................................................. 483 Locations ................................................................................................... 484 The Steward Earl Stewart Earle Steward, the Earle of Steward ...... 486 The Story That Is Built One Sentence At a Time By Those That Read It........................................................................................................ 486

Comments ............................................................................................ 499 The Sundered Era .................................................................................... 499 The Sundering .......................................................................................... 500

Related Topics: .................................................................................... 500 The Temptations of the Bix the End Table, and other tales ........... 501

Dust Jacket Notes ............................................................................... 501 Table of Contents................................................................................ 501 Comments ............................................................................................ 502

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The Underdeep .........................................................................................503 The Unsundering ......................................................................................504 The Vampyre Kingdom of Far Southern Battal .................................504 Theoric’s Laws ..........................................................................................505 The Wizbits................................................................................................505

The History of the Ur-Wizbits and Their Four Familiars ............505 The Heroes............................................................................................506 Lander .................................................................................................506 Zula.....................................................................................................507 Skip.....................................................................................................507 Penny ...................................................................................................507

The Cartoon..........................................................................................507 Comments .............................................................................................508

The Wizbits Cartoon................................................................................508 Production Information......................................................................509 Theme Song ..........................................................................................510 Cast and Crew Information................................................................510

Lead Voice Actors...........................................................................510 Production Crew .............................................................................511

Thithithmihos............................................................................................511 Three Critical Errors ................................................................................512 Throbald the Somewhat Addled............................................................512 Thule Runderkrust....................................................................................514 The Tides of Epic Conflict Saga............................................................514

Books.................................................................................................514 Elemenstation on The Sickle .............................................................515

Characters .........................................................................................515 Timenes ......................................................................................................516

Back to Elements | Back to Complete List of Elements .............516 Too Soft Mattress .....................................................................................518 Toobanor ...................................................................................................518

The Fancy Elemenstor ...................................................................518 Tower of Power ........................................................................................518 Transchanting............................................................................................519 Tribbits .......................................................................................................519 TRotE .........................................................................................................521 Turnum.......................................................................................................521 The Twelve Realms of Antior ................................................................521 Twisted Furniliars .....................................................................................522

Twisted Furniliars of Battal ................................................................522 Other Furniliars Often Referred To As Twisted ...........................523 Bathtub Furniliars...............................................................................523 Nightstands .........................................................................................523

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The Infurnal....................................................................................... 523 Tycho Brahe.............................................................................................. 524 Tyge Ottesen............................................................................................. 526 Tyrose......................................................................................................... 526 Ublarg......................................................................................................... 526 Ubrith......................................................................................................... 526 Fan Art ....................................................................................................... 527 Ubrith: The Untold Adventures............................................................ 527

Timeline............................................................................................ 528 Ubziz Forelock ......................................................................................... 528 Underpants of the Underdeep............................................................... 528

ELotH:TES Canon ............................................................................. 529 Unlight ....................................................................................................... 529 References ................................................................................................. 530 The Unlight War ...................................................................................... 530 Introduction.............................................................................................. 530 Timeline Events ....................................................................................... 531 Notes ....................................................................................................... 534

Unresolved Threads ................................................................................ 534 Book 7 ................................................................................................... 534

The Disappearance of the Holy Hoagie ..................................... 534 Book 10 ................................................................................................. 535

The Recliner of Botany and Guddboy Lad................................ 535 Book 11 ................................................................................................. 535

The Fate of The Eight Elemental Contstructs.......................... 535 Ubrith, Jarvelos and Spiral Doom ............................................... 536

Valedaleglenhill......................................................................................... 536 Vampyre Pyre of Puppy Meat ............................................................... 537 Vampyres................................................................................................... 537 Vampyric Wars ......................................................................................... 538

Excerpt from The Vampyric Wars Begin ............................................ 540 Excerpt from Peter and the Vampyre................................................... 541

Vhadxi ........................................................................................................ 542 Lord Vhadxi’s Personal Timeline ..................................................... 543

Vile Worm................................................................................................. 544 Wang Mountains ...................................................................................... 545 The War Men............................................................................................ 546

(Shokurung: Shokurung’onk)............................................................... 546 Culture................................................................................................... 547

Warrior Chefs of Battal........................................................................... 548 Journeys of Alton Longsword........................................................... 548 Gathering of the Chefs - The Bronze Age ..................................... 549 The Night of Broken Pots ................................................................. 549

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Founding of Teflonicus – The Cast Iron Age ................................550 Rise of the Council – The Teflon Age .............................................550 Feeding the Fires of War ....................................................................550 Head Chefs............................................................................................551

Wasted Elemenstor ..................................................................................551 Wasted Elemenstors.................................................................................552 Water...........................................................................................................552 Weighty Tome of Elemenstor................................................................553 Wenches .....................................................................................................554 What the Quilp? ...........................................................................................554 White Water...............................................................................................555 Windfield Plains ........................................................................................557 Wizbits Elemenstor Battle (CCG) .........................................................557 Card Rarity .................................................................................................570 Xoxor Xxar ................................................................................................571

Notes ......................................................................................................572 Yalka ...........................................................................................................572 Yar the Sorcerial........................................................................................573 Yellow Troll ...............................................................................................575 Yoxor Xxar ................................................................................................576

Gear: .......................................................................................................576 Zenethir Foulblade ...................................................................................576 Zonard ........................................................................................................577 Zuumont ....................................................................................................578

The Formerly Harmless Elemenstor ...........................................578 Zynthar Chinaskhi ....................................................................................579

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Welcome to the epic world of Epic Legends of the Hierarchs!

This world began as a CCG that focused more on reinventing the rules of the CCG than on creating a new world. In this regard, the CCG was a moderate success, failing to capture a significant fan base. The game has continued to be printed to this day, with continually diminishing returns. More than the game play, the cards themselves interested the few fans of the game, particularly the lore printed on the bottom of each card. The lore itself was very unspecific. Instead of listing great feats accomplished , it listed mundane things like Harbinger Portent’s favorite food (cheese) and Char Reyarteb’s hobbies (water polo, shuffleboard). But the fans were intrigued. Why would such a powerful Elemenstor enjoy cheese? Was Reyarteb any good at water polo? Soon, short stories began to be published in anthologies, detailing the beginnings of the world of Battal and its epic history, from the Magic Sword Kings to the Resundering. By the time the table-top RPG came out (set during The Savage Brutality Of The War Men), a well-developed world had come together. The fan base grew. Due to the huge profits from the sale of the ELotH Limited Edition Busts, a series of novellas were commissioned. Written by Tycho Brahe, these novellas would elevate the Epic Legends to epic levels of revenue. Shortly after the first book was published, “The Wizbits” began its first-season run. Eventually, the series was cancelled and Brahe finished his Elemenstor Cycle, but the world of the Hierarchs is not dead. Many new authors have taken up the pen to try and add depth to the world that Brahe and others have barely begun to outline. With an MMO in its early stages of Alpha, one cannot help but think that ELotH has nowhere to go but UP. This wiki was created to help bring together the massive amounts of ELotH lore found across its many disparate sources. This n00b section is intended to help those new to the world learn about its epic history and the characters that shaped it. Enjoy.

History

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In the beginning, the planes were unshaped, and the Hierarchs ruled over all. Out of the infinite power and chaos that twisted through the Elmether, the Hierarchs forged the Starborn Gem and The Four Vales. The Four Vales were the earliest version of what we would even remotely recognize as the existence of a physical world and the Starborn Gem, or Oculus Omnipotens, was the repository of all possible knowledge in the world, including the knowledge of Elemenstation. Then the Darkstorm occurred and the vales were interwoven and conjoined, with the resulting mess being scattered across the newly forming time and space. The Hierarchs remained in their timeless existence among the Elmether in the higher planes of existence, while Battal was formed from some of the lower planes. Some of the Hierarchs took pity on the barren and ruined world of Battal and set out to fill it with life. They did this, creating first furniture, then man to be the servants of the furniture. This relation-ship did not work out quite as they intended. Early society was disorganized and fraught with war. After thousands of years, King Ronard found the powerful element called Rubian and from it forged the first rubian sword (see Ronard’s Rather Small And Weak But Nevertheless Enchanted Sword). Although magic swords were quite common, Ronard thought that this new magic stone made him more special then anyone else with a magic sword. With the use of his tiny magic sword, along with the liberal application of his Very Large But Unenchanted Spikey Hammer, Ronard united the Twelve Realms. (It is disputed whether Ronard himself discovered Rubian, or whether this is in fact revisionist history caused by the business end of a very large and spikey, though unenchanted, hammer.) Control of Battal passed to Ronard’s son, Ronard the Shorter. He proved unready for the responsibility and the kingdom collapsed into lawlessness after being torn apart by the Vampyric Wars. This period of lawlessness was known as the wandering age. When order was regained, the descendents of Ronard ruled Battal for many years, each in turn carrying the magic sword that named him the magic sword king. This continued for 9,500 years, until The Longest Moment during which Fonard, heir of Ronard, lost Ronard’s Very Large But Unenchanted Spikey Hammer, The Magic Sword Kingdom crumbled and the Spica Wars began. Eventually Zonard, last of King Ronard’s line, met Yar the Sorcerial in battle. The epic struggle con-sumed both of them, and the arcane energies it created split the

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world of Battal into three epic lands, The Shield, The Sickle, and the ever-so-epic Cataclysmic Bluont. This was The Sundering. The period directly following the Sundering—that is, The Sundered Era—is described in the Tides of Epic Conflict Saga. 5,000 years after the Sundering, a Harbinger named Portent discovered the Starborn Gem, cast onto the Cataclysmic Bluont in the form of a comet. The Gem granted him knowledge of Elemenstation, and Portent set out to unite the world once more. To aid him in his great labor, he took on a student, the young and ambitious Char Reyarteb. Over time, he took on many more students, and the knowledge of Elemenstation spread. Through his efforts, Portent was able to reunite the sundered world, but in the midst of the Unsundering, he was struck down by Char Reyarteb, who revealed himself as a traitor. This left the world still partially sundered, and the Cataclysmic Bluont did not join with the Shield and Sickle. The Willestrians of the Bluont felt slighted. What followed was the Century of Fire, when Reyarteb used the Starborn Gem to call forth the War Men, who ravaged the newly reformed world and placed Reyarteb on a dark throne. Reyarteb founded the dark science of Dark Elemenstation, a perversion of High Elemenstation, and used its power to cement his rule. During the rule of Reyarteb, Lord Kinlo came to power. He gained knowledge of the Four Underdogs through a Rogue Chronosorcellor, and set out to destroy them because he was crazy like that. Little did he realize that the Underdogs would not be born for a millennium, and so he only succeeded in nearly wiping out the Elemenstors. Kinlo died with his goals unfulfilled. Even those who are relatively unfamiliar with the Epic Legends know about the Four Underdogs through the syndicated Saturday morning cartoon series, “the Wizbits.” These 4 teens each discover a unique rubian gem, and through them gain knowledge of High Elemensta-tion. After many adventures, particularly a nasty encounter with the demon-ghost MooMaa, the Underdogs defeat Reyarteb and reestab-lish Elemenstation. In the lazy years that follow, some Elemenstors abandon their noble callings to become Wasted Elemenstors. This brings us to the most epic part of the story, specifically the one told by Tycho Brahe in his bestselling Elemenstor Cycle of novellas. This cycle tells of the many struggles that arose from the reemer-

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gence of High Elemenstation in a world that was largely unprepared for it. The burgeoning art of Elemenstation attracted all the wrong types of people to this most arcane of arts: the lazy and ignorant, along with the corrupt and evil. Young Elemenstors struggled to find the true path towards High Elemenstation while resisting the temptations of Dark Elemenstation. Few indeed found the true way, for once the dark path of Dark Elemenstation was overcome, the even darker tempta-tions of ale and wenches remained to tempt the chosen few. Eventually, the blossoming of magiks drew forth the shade of Char Reyarteb, who was not dead, merely resting his eyes. The resulting Hierarch Wars put all of Battal, indeed, all of space and time, at dire risk. Epic! After this most epic of battles, peace reigned for 2,000 years until Archibald Almalastor began his study of Portent’s bond of Unsunder-ing. Working with the Willestrians, Almastor attempted to bring the Cataclysmic Bluont back into the fold of the Shield and Sickle. This mighty work, a work so mighty it could only have been completed by the mightiest of Elemenstors, would have completed the True Unsundering. In the middle of his Elemenstation, he was tragically attacked and killed by a band of renegade War Men, led by the mysterious Dark Master. The fate of the world hung in the balance, and only the timely intervention of the Willestrians could have saved the world from remaining forever Sundered. However, the Willestri-ans had a really important dinner to make, so they decided they’d rather not help out, leaving the field of battle in the hands of the War Men. The Shield and Sickle broke apart once again. This was The Resundering. After this came the Unlight War, another time of great war which sees the resurgence of the Vampyres. Further works have connected the rarer and more worthless cards from the original CCG, these stories tell of the good Princess Crystalcrown and her betrayal at Mount Wor by Elanfariestel the Easily Convinced, and assembled a story near the end of known time. Some fanfics have attempted to take the story past the known timeline, but the picture they paint is incomplete at best.

Timesorc’ley

Another matter that does not fit directly into the timeline is the matter of timesorc’ley, Elemenstation that manipulates the very fabric of Timenes itself. It is known that High Elemenstation has some indirect effect on Timenes, but Chronosorcelry deals directly with it. The High

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Augur is the main authority on all of timeness because his staff lets him see all things at all times. Also to be reckoned with are the Chronoclave, formed to maintain the integrity of timeness. The Chronoclave exists outside of time in the Spaghetti Plane, from whence they can see all disruptions in timeness. The tales of the Chronoclave and its many exploits based out of their great hall on the western edge of the Spaghetti Plane, make up the series of ELotH fan fics called “Spaghetti Westerns.”

Wiki

For those of you unfamiliar with wikis pay a visit to the SandBox. Try editing it, messing around with it or what have you, that’s what it’s there for. Read the WikiStyle page for help with basic text formatting. That about wraps it up. Some of the above information is necessarily incomplete, although hopefully not blatantly incorrect. Digging through the primary sources isn’t easy work - do you have any idea how long it takes to read every single damn playing card? At any rate, feel free to add as you see fit. Just make sure to not let this section get too verbose. After all, this is intended to familiarize new readers, not confuse them. If a point needs clarifying, do so. But if you want to add details, just link the appropriate page. Thanks! By the way, for those of you who have read this far, the wiki password is: elemenstorsaywha

The Elemenstor Cycle

An index of the thirteen books of Tycho Brahe’s Elemenstor Saga novella cycle, with a plot summary and links to each book’s own page. These tales are the core canon tales of the Elemenstors and the land of Battal, and the touchstone for most other works related to the saga. See the Availability page for information on hardback and paper back availability of each title.

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Also, check out the Excerpts from the cycle that are recounted here. There is an Elemenstor Cycle specific timeline which attempts to breakdown the core periods covered by the books. Since the books often jump around in time and include many digressions which take place in drastically different periods, only the major linear events are included.

• Book 1: The Fires of Mount Windice (Colloquially, A New Franchise)

• Book 2: Dawn of the Dark Shadows (Colloquially, The Elemenstors Strike Back)

• Book 3: The Rubion Sword (Colloquially, Return of the Cycle)

• Book 4: Curse of the Doombane

• Book 5: The Underpants of the Underdeep

• Book 6: Nightstand’s Peril

• Book 7: The Trial at Elddim’s Peak (Colloquially, Three Foolish Children)

• Book 8: The Archmagi of Eldersbane

• Book 9: Rise of the Rhjajyept

• Book 10: The Hierarch Wars Begin (Colloquially, Elemen-stors Gone Wild, Vol. I)

• Book 11: The Hierarch Wars Continue (Colloquially, Elemenstors Gone Wild, Vol. II)

• Book 12: End of the Hierarch Wars (Colloquially, Elemen-stors: Spring Break ‘2,167) *

• Book 13: Glaivemistress(es) of Arvalyyon (Colloquially, Was He Drunk Or What?)

Rumored:

• Book 14: The Fourteenth Manuscript

Also of note is Book 13 and a Half: The Eternal Timesorc’ley of Middlemoon (Colloquially, I Can’t Believe It’s Not Canon!), which many believe to be written by Tycho Brahe, but is not generally accepted as canonical.

• We’re trying to be somewhat authoritative about this. While the penultimate three books of the cycle do indeed bring the epic

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narrative to a climax with the war of the hierarchs, the nick-names adopted for these episodes by some of the ELotH:TES fan community should not actually replace the real titles so care-fully chosen by Mr. Brahe.

The Elemenstor Cycle, Book 1: The Fires of Mount Windice

A flash of lightning tore through the tumult, illuminating the grizzled Elemenstor and his ambulatory dresser.

First released in the United States on November 12, 1996 by Realmworlds Publishing. ISBN 0-133699-016-X. First edition book cover:

Dust Jacket Notes

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Book One of Tycho Brahe’s Elemenstor Saga is centered around a young Tribbit named Horatio and the events that lead him into the icy doom of fire that is Mount Windice. Horatio of the Luskfish bloodline of Tribbits is the son of Julio and Arch-son of Hermes (The Obtuse). As Horatio’s tale begins, Brahe paints a deep and vibrant portrait of the simple life of a Tribbit. The reader is flooded with rich imagery of The Dank, a peaceful swamp inhabited by the Luskfish clan of Tribbits, among many. Horatio and his brood work The Dank as Mucksuckers, making their living by scraping gelatinous matter from the backs of the Dooblegnards, the largest of The Dank’s many unique inhabitants. But Horatio’s destiny is not to grow old as a Mucksucker. His fate suffers an odd twist one afternoon while scraping the back of Duke Alfamarma, one of his least favorite Dooblegnards. As Horatio reached under the Duke’s posterior Wargnle Plate to removed the muck, a mysterious and ill-tempered orange Pixlie named Bibee darted out, now freed from her Dooblegnard prison! Over the next few years, the malicious Bibee filled the young and impressionable Horatio’s head with cruel lies and mis-information, slowly corrupting him into her subservient drone. Robbed by the Pixlie of his capacity for conscience and reason, Horatio becomes a tool for Bibee’s devious intent. She has set into motion a plan concocted in her twisted mind all the many years she lie in muck beneath the Dooblegnard’s plate: to steal the Mosaic Platter of Ronard! Follow the mis-adventures of Horatio and his dark companion as they make their way to the icy Fires of Mount Windice for a colossal conflict of good versus evil! Who is the mysterious Bibee and how did she arrive under the Wargnle Plate of Duke Alfamarma? What manner of Pixlie deceit could corrupt the mind of a young Tribbit? How can a simple Mucksucker survive the peril of Mount Windice and plunder the Mosaic Platter of Ronard? Find out in the first installment of Tycho Brahe’s EPIC novella series: The Fires of Mount Windice! Note: Copies of this book printed after the publication of Book 13 differ greatly from previous printings. These changes are apparently

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to reconcile the beginning of the story with the end, and to correct some continuity errors that crept in during the cycle.

Jacket quotes

”I have seen the future of fantasy, and his name is The Elemenstor Saga”—Clive Barker ”After reading this (book), I see that (my) life has been wasted.”—Robert Jordan ”This book filled me with a deep admiration for the author’s audacity to spring this upon an unsuspecting public.”—David Eddings ”Dear Mr Brahe, I’m not going to give you a jacket quote. Please cease all correspondence immediately.”—David Gemell ”You’ve clearly put as much effort into this as I did into The Phantom Menace.”—George Lucas ”A thirteen book epic fantasy, huh? Think that makes you a big man? Think that makes you better than me? Huh? HUH?!?”—Stephen King ”My God, it’s full of -hrrrrkkarrrgh”—Arthur C. Clarke ”It’s a bunch of bloody rubbish.”—Neil Gaiman

Notes

This book begins with Horatio telling the story of Harbinger Portent to a group of youngling Tribbits. From there the action takes off when Horatio discovers Bibee, and meets a grizzled Harbinger named Omen. At the same time, the book follows a dual narrative of Harbinger Portent, and his early experiences with the Starborn Gem. As the book reaches its climax, Horatio has reached the summit of Mount Windice, just as Harbinger Portent had when he had his epic conflict with Char Reyarteb at the critical moment of the Unsundering.

Plot elements explained

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Please note that there will be some spoilers following in this section, unavoidable given the in-depth discussion of elements of the storyline of Book 1. There is much discussion of the discrepancy between the end of Part 1 of Book 1, where Horatio causes the destruction of Thithithmihos under Bibee’s control, and the beginning of Book 2, where he returns home free of Bibee’s influence as if nothing had ever happened. While this apparent incompatibility lends credence to the theory that Books 1 and 2 may have, in fact, been written by different authors, with no sense of canon between the two novels, it is important to note the following extract:

Horatio’s mind swirled with unfathomable confusions, rending thoughts into mere fractions of cognition that jumbled together into nothingness as Bibee’s machina-tions confounded his senses. Nothing seemed real any longer; all that remained was Bibee’s mellifluous voice consuming his every decision. ”Go!” she cried, her high-pitched Pixlie voice intoxicating the enraptured Tribbit further. “Now is the time! Seek the Platter!”. Lightning seemed to crash thunderously around Horatio as his feet moved of their own accord, splashing rambunctiously through the murky depths of Thithithmihos. All seemed as a dream to him, and time passed like an egg upon the waves of an ocean; slowly, inexorably, uncomprehendably, the red haze of Bibee’s rage enfolded him and he lost all sense of self as horrendous destruction followed in his wake. When next Horatio regained his mind, there was nothing of Thithithmihos left save a small stone in his ear from the foundations of his house as he tore it to the ground, and the scent of icy burning in his nostrils; there was no turning back any longer.

It seems as though Brahe’s writing is deliberately ambiguous; it is never out rightly stated in the books (even in the revised edition)

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whether Thithithmihos was actually destroyed, and Horatio himself is obviously bewitched and unable to tell for himself anyway. Bibee leaves him to draw his own conclusions from what evidence remains, and I believe Brahe may have intended something similar given that there was no indication that the novel series would necessarily be popular enough to entail a sequel. One also wonders what the fate of the Mosaic Platter of Ronard is after Horatio peddles the platter for 20 Curld at the Coach Station for enough Coach fare to get back to The Dank. It is supposed by many that the stranger who purchases the platter is none other than the Dark Master, although the exact series of events that moved it from this transaction into his sinister possession is unclear. See also: Parable of the Swimming Rabbit

The Elemenstor Cycle, Book 2: Dawn of the Dark Shadows

Dust Jacket Notes

Horatio the Tribbit (son of Julio son of Hermes) returns to his home village of Thithithmihos, only to realize that, while searching for some proof that he’d even been outside his house this whole time, he’d left the Omni Scarf Malatox sitting on the table at the home of Zenethir Foulblade. Oops! Horatio, pretending he’d never even heard of the Omni Scarf, stays at home. Too bad he didn’t have a sidekick to courageously goad him into questing for peace once again! Meanwhile, now that Zenethir has a warm neck, he is able leave his prison cabin at the top of Mount Windice and is free to wreak havoc upon the countryside. The order of Elemenstors is decimated and all hope seems lost. The fires/ice of Mount Windice are cooling/melting (respectively)... what light will arise to vanquish the darkness???

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Summary

All of South Battal is under the thumb of the evil Zenethir. In Battal, when a despot comes to power, there is always a hero that rises up from the masses and tested in the fires of desperate times, proves to be equal to the task at hand, a hero to rise up to cast off the yoke of oppression and slay the mighty oppressor. In Book 2 it is a war refugee named Heeroh Troughberry, who is reluctantly swept down this path by his ebullient 11 year old daughter Orphenna Troughberry, in whose eyes her father is truly invincible. Heeroh unfortunately bares the same name as an amateur Gladiatingor of some note also named Heeroh Troughberry. This causes several confusing and alternating humorous and tragic mix-ups throughout the book. Heeroh Troughberry is the bearer of the Dark Doomblade of Magical Overarching Darkness, which he received in an anonymous valentine. A full third of the book takes place outside of Battal as Father, daughter, and the twins travel through the mystical dimension of the FaeriWraithe Lands, which they reach through magical means. Much of the beginning of the book is interspersed with accounts of the trial of Lextor the Vextor and the implications it had on Item Law 323. The Troughberry’s meet up with a pair of twin Fire Elemenstors named Oryand and Greg, whose flashy powers and bravado hide a deep rooted self doubt they both harbor as to their individual worth. It’s ulti-mately Orphenna who shows them each that they have a value as individuals, in a heart warming speech given to the brothers while hiding between some craggy rocks, while a vicious Yellow Troll searched for them in the plains beyond.

Spoilers

Ultimately the party return to Battal and reach the fortress cabin (old habits die hard) of Zenethir Foulblade. In the ensuing battle Heeroh is woefully outmatched and the twins are incapacitated by a cleverly laid trap, so Orphenna takes up her fathers blade, and drenched in an icy magical darkness casts about blindly and lands a lucky blow which fells evil Zenethir on the spot.

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Excerpts

Here a mysterious figure generally accepted to be Grimfleur is checking into a room at the Pig’s Featherbag.

The innkeeper pushed the heavy leather registry book across the counter and said, “Sign yer name if ye kin it, just put yer mark if yer kain’t. Quill and inkwell on the bar here nexter ye.” The dark figure extended a single warted hand from beneath his black canvas riding robe and took the Quill. With slow and deliberate movements he scratched a few words across the next free entry in the ledger. The innkeeper felt an icy chill run down his back and looked over to see if one of the wenches had left ajar the window at the end of the bar. It was closed. When he looked back, the mysterious man had melted back into the crowd of patrons milling about near the stage, waiting for this evening’s entertainment to begin. He looked down and next to the book were the two gleaming copper coins for this evening’s lodgings. He pulled the book over to his side of the counter and glanced down at the fresh name drying on the page. ”Antagonist Majore” Funny, he hadn’t remembered that the ink in the well was red. He leaned in closer, perhaps it had been a trick of the light. No, it wasn’t red, the ink on the page, now dry, was in fact dull brown.

Later in this same scene the mysterious cloaked figure is described as heckling the act on stage. There is also an excerpt from this book of the story Mort and the Earl of the Pirates.

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Trivia

• It is in Chapter 3 that Heeroh tells Orphenna the tale of Dreemkast.

• Oryand and Greg made an earlier appearance in the largely unread A Night at The Rusty Spear.

Fan Reactions

Considered widely to be the second in the canonical trilogy written by Tycho Brahe himself, Dark Shadows is known by some as The Elemenstor Strikes Back. It is hailed by the most hardcore fans as clearly the farthest superior of the trilogy, while passing ELotH:TES fans prefer the marketable addition of the supremely-cute and sentient race of tablecloths, the Ublarg. The affection of hardcore fans is a result of the book’s initial publication in parts as an appendix to Book 3. The move inspired a mass of fan fiction that combined the text provided in the appendix with their own interpolated text. Further, this book was the probable introduction of antagonist majore Grimfleur, though he is not referred to by name until Book 3. The foreshadowing involved in the reference to Grimfleur simply as antagonist majore, even in the completed version of Book 2, is consid-ered by advocates of the Single Author Theory to be one of Brahe’s more clever meta-commentaries on the series. The formal manipula-tions of the function of foreshadowing itself foreshadows the centrality of timesorc’ley and contradiction in the later volumes, opening up an infinite regress that is both immanent to the story line and a characteristic of the material “thingness” of the books themselves. Hardcore fans cried both bitter and sweet at the resurgence of the Dark Doomblade of Magical Overarching Darkness, one of the 100 Swords of Sepathok. The fact that this was the blade that did in Zenethir Foulblade (hence the name) was seen by some as a way to tie in several loose threads of the world’s history. Others considered it a very convenient way to end a book that stymied Tycho Brahe’s creativity for eight years.

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The Elemenstor Cycle, Book 3: The Rubion Sword

Dust Jacket Notes

The threat of Zenethir Foulblade has passed, and for generations the realms of Northern Battal exist in a state of relative calm. But in the shadows of Old Karpithon, an ancient evil awakes… the Xoxor Xxar. Freed from its timeless prison by the bumbling Elemenstor Bendloyer Felkin, the Xoxor will stop at nothing to gain the powers of the four elements for itself. Only one weapon is said to have the power to defeat the fearsome Xoxor and its unstoppable army of Evilnors: the Blade of Zonard. Fashioned of purest Rubian for Zonard the Sunderer, last of the Magic Sword Kings, the blade has been lost to history. With the world seemingly bereft of hope, a new hero must arise. And so the apprentice Fire Elemenstor Gavment Rayling sets out with a small band of friends to quest for the legendary Rubion Sword, and young Gavment’s own Real Ultimate Destiny…

Book Highlights

• Gavment stumbles upon a village of Ublarg, and befriends a young tablecloth named Gulrab.

• The Magistrate Prophet Neighsayer Arcadus makes his fa-mous appearance at Finkfru.

• Staffmaestro Rodney instructs Gavment in art of Battlestaff pos-ing, with particular emphasis on Pose Ke. Rodney goes on at great length about the outrageous assertion in the fictional world of SET:HToLE that Battlestaff posing is not a true martial art and is rather affected purely for the purpose of looking good on fantasy novel dust jackets. This is the first time SET:HToLE is mention the series.

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• The both nefarious and ambulatory half-brothers, Comfort-able-Looking Sofa and Too Soft Mattress plague Gavment and party throughout.

• Grimfleur appears to Gavment with misleading promises at a critical moment.

• The Satchel makes its appearance right before the party reaches the village of Dwarfsdown, where they discover that all the structures have been burned to the ground in brutal Evilnor raid.

• An unnamed bard later revealed to be Bendloyer Felkin him/herself, in an unnamed tavern, first recounts the poem of The Bravery of the Doomed, which appears only in Book 3 in its entirety, but is quoted at least in fragments throughout the rest of the cycle.

• This is the book which details the rules of Agash, as it is played between two drunkards in the aforementioned un-named tavern.

• Taking time out from pillaging and burning, the evil min-ions of Xoxor take time out to have an afternoon picnic in a sunny meadow near the Dread Caverns of Lo’os. It is here that an eggplant of an otherworldly shade of purple is described, foreshadowing the rise of the Dyemon-Ghost MooMaa.

• An intriguing sub-plot involving a rebellious turkey takes place in the Crestplains. In one of the author’s trademark plot-twists, this storyline is abruptly terminated in the epic Anti-Climax of Northeastern Crestplains.

• At first thought to be written from a third person perspec-tive, it is eventually revealed that the entire book is written from the first person perspective of Anonymous Third Person Observer.

• First appearance of Raunch Iron, a grumbly old man who was a Clerical Healer. Somewhat “Bloody Minded” to humorous effect.

• Tyrose is the first documented victim of a Whatsinyeeargh, a variation of the magic puzzlebox

Reviews

• Review of ‘The Elemenstor Cycle, Book 3: The Rubion Sword’ by Charlton C. Mayze

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Excerpts

From Chapter XIV,

Gavment Rayling considered what the dirty-faced man was offering him. He could not deny the wealth that he had just been shown, but still doubts raged within his fierce mentality. He returned, “But why would you be willing to part with such miraculous treasure? Surely it is better for you to keep it to yourself, but you claim to have not only brought it with you, but left it where you found it, and now point another man to its secret place of repose.” Grimfleur flourished his hands wildly as he explained, “It generates an infinite amount of wealth! By its very nature, more than one man can ever need! I already have 3,895,074 rubies for myself, enough to satisfy me the rest of my life. All you need is to go and claim it.” As he waved his arms about, Gavment probably thought for a moment he could see a greenish glint from within the cloak whipping about, but dismissed the notion. Gavment considered the proposition even further, desperate now for a reason to mistrust this strangely clad man. It was said that to leave the Shortcut was deepest doom, but he had seen this stranger leap up from its gutters with no difficulty. Clearly the warning was no more than uncertain myth. His face scrunching with resistance, he accomplished at last, “But if you have an infinite amount of wealth... why are you dressed like that?”

Commentary

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“The Rubion Sword is the single greatest work of fiction it is possible to produce in the modern English language. Why people continue to write new books when the race is al-ready fucking over, people is beyond my ability to comprehend.” —Chris Doucette, on Hard Copy

“An unforgettable read (...) The Rubion Sword stays with you forever.” - Charlton C. Mayze

The Rubion Sword was actually released before Book 2, with extensive footnotes and appendices that contained explanations of the relevant parts of the second volume. The full version of Book 2 would not be published until 2004. The daring publishing move attracted attention to the series, including a noted review by Harold Bloom.

The Elemenstor Cycle, Book 4: Curse of the Doombane

Dust Jacket Notes

Many years have passed since the events of The Rubion Sword and Gavment Rayling is now a middle aged man. Having become a wealthy man from the lecture circuit, he has little to do with his time except drink, sleep and blow things up. However the world is once again in danger. The evil Evilnors are not as defeated as once thought and Yoxor Xxar, son of the slain Xoxor Xxar, has found the mythical Doomblade. Yoxar marches forth in another effort to destroy the Elemenstors. It’s up to Gavment and his precocious niece Steppy to save the world. If only Steppy can get Gavment out of the Tavern.

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Notes

The Curse of the Doombane is often thought of by fans as the least loved book of the main series. This book received dismal reviews from critics as the first half of the book is largely devoted to Gavment playing drinking games in the Nikbix Nushka Tavern while Steppy, with her Furniliar Colonel McAllister, attempts to rekindle his fighting spirit. Eventually however she does succeed by reminding him of his dear lost friend, Dthr’nex of Dwarfsdown, who was slain by Xoxar in The Rubion Sword. The latter portion of the book however more than makes up for the first half. Splitting off into two running stories after an adult scene with Sotar Olderndirt, the tale leads Steppy and Gavment through many wondrous locales, introducing the race of two headed weasel men (and women) known as the Ssskssenek and their magical sandstone kingdom of Ssskssenekland, while Sotar and his furniliar Bom race to the Wang Mountains to stop a critical piece of Yoxar’s plot. The book climaxes with an epic duel between Yoxar and Gavment atop the Mount Which-Cannot-Move-But-Does, while Sotar stands against the forces of Kapybara the Dark Elemenstrix and a reborn legion of War Men atop Wang’s Peak. In the final chapter, brief mention is made of an ill-fated misadven-ture of the Four Underdogs (referred to by name, but not this appella-tion,) as they challenge but fail to defeat Char Reyarteb. This has led to much confusion because the actual confrontation in which they defeat Char Reyarteb and MooMaa is chronicled in the mini-serial Elemenstor Radio Dramas. Copies of this book can still be found for somewhat inflated prices at most used book retailers and are a must have for most ELotH:TES fans.

Excerpts

The following excerpts are from the controversial final chapter of the book, quoted from the 2001 paperback omnibus. The narrator is

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Gavment, who is telling Steppy the story of the Four Underdogs and their battle with Char Reyarteb.

“It seemed the Four would be victorious. Phoenixsong pummeled Reyarteb, opening the ground beneath him and crushing his bones with the dirt - but in an instant, the mage healed. Fantasmaphila lifted Reyarteb into the skies and caught him in a whirlwind, tearing his earthly form to shreds - but in an instant, the mage re-formed his body. Blunder sent waves of fire at Reyarteb, searing his flesh until he was reduced to a pile of ashes on the ground - but in an instant, the mage rose from the ashes. Breakwind swamped Reyarteb with rain, making his magik hair wet and unruly - but in an instant, the mage shook his head and his hair was dry.”

The battle continues for several hours, as the Underdogs continue to attack but cannot weaken Char Reyarteb.

“Indeed, it was they that weakened, tiring from continually deploying their power, and at last Char Reyarteb had an opportunity to strike. He summoned demons of Earth, huge creatures that could strike blows with fists harder than diamond. He summoned demons of Air, terrible beings that could travel faster than the eye could see. He summoned demons of Fire, abominable monsters that could make their touch hotter than the sun. And he summoned demons of Water, nasty imps that could talk to fish.”

The Underdogs are driven back and badly beaten while Char Reyarteb prepares for a final attack.

“Finally, a pitch black beam of darkness exploded out of Reyarteb’s mouth. Even as it first emerged, the Four could feel a bone-chilling coldness permeate the air. This was the coldness of death - the freezing, fatal

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coldness of death; the wintry, mortal, icy, terminal, frostbitten, life-ending coldness of death. And the Four knew that they had failed; that Char Reyarteb would rule over the world, until the day came, very soon, that he destroyed all goodness, all love and all life.”

When Steppy points out that the world in fact has not been de-stroyed, Gavment says that the Underdogs survived and beat Char Reyarteb later. When Steppy asks how this happened, Gavment tells her to “go buy a talking disc and find out for yourself” (a product placement for the CD version of the Elemenstor Radio Dramas.)

The Elemenstor Cycle, Book 5: The Underpants of the Under-deep

Dust Jacket Notes

This hilarious and rollicking adventure takes the wildly popular Elemenstor world and turns it right on its head! Felthar the Moder-ately Handsome is just another student at the Institute Of Accoutermen-tia in Ezermethalon. When a rogue Elemenstor starts searching for the legendary Underpants of the Underdeep, Felthar gets caught right in the middle! He’ll have to team up with a wise-cracking cupboard named Cubby and a cute undergrad named Serafina Haberdasheron just to survive! It’s laughter, emotions, and so much more from the beloved creator of the Elemenstor Saga, Tycho Brahe.

Fan Reactions

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To say that fan reaction to this book was tepid at best is a gross overstatement. Longtime fans reacted harshly and damned the book for cheapening what had been a serious tale about the epic history of furniture wizards. It is then surprising that this book is the only one of the series to even approach the bestseller list. Longtime fans agree that anyone who has not read the books before the publishing of Underpants should not be considered a true fan of the series. Book 6: Nightstand’s Peril is a follow-up to this book that takes place 10 years after the events of Underpants.

New Characters

Felthar the Moderately Handsome

Cubby

Serafina Haberdasheron

Gorg Stinkrot

Borold Gravelsnot III, Revered Keeper of the Ornamental Dishwashing Liquid

Dorc the Incontinent, King of Ezer-methalon

Professor Bertus Tanklebing

Headmaster Scrooble

The Fanged Vole-Guard

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Air Elemenstor Qaxrad of Syzz

Queen-Princess Xanzandrinzel (briefly)

Recurring Characters

Dogus Brankorking, now the ripe old age of 86. After the events of this book he leaves the order of Fire Elemensta-tion and becomes one of the Wasted Elemenstors.

Notes

The humorous and strange Floapy’s Powerful Forcefield Ring of Invisibility incident takes place in this book.

The character Ickthorn the Unpopular was originally supposed to be in this book, but was cut from the second draft.

Observations

It would appear that this book was written in quite a hurry. Whole scenes have been lifted wholesale from earlier works by the author, and everything from Chapters 16 to 19 appears to be a direct copy of Chapters 4 to 9 from Book 2 with the word “Yellow” replaced by “Cheese” wherever it appears, presumably in an effort to hide this shameless self-plagiarism. The deposing of Dorc the incontinent, in

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particular, appears rather hastily formed. Squidgy acted in a manner entirely opposed to his later appearances, indicating little to no research or forethought was put into his character and his relation-ship with Dorc.

The Elemenstor Cycle, Book 6: Nightstand’s Peril

Dust Jacket Notes

Any Elemenstor worth half their weight in Gem Flecks knows this important rule: NEVER bring a Nightstand to life. But when Gorg Stinkrot returns to break this sacred rule, the kingdom of Ezermethalon is thrown to the brink of war! Ten years have passed since the events of The Underpants of the Underdeep, and Felthar the Moderately Hand-some, having grown some rugged and manly stubble, is now known by his new moniker ‘The Darkly Mysterious’. Can Felthar and Cubby (his motile cupboard) find a way to save the comely Serafina Haber-dasheron from the grip of the Chair Brigade? Will Felthar catch this fatal furnishing before chaos envelops Ezermethalon? Answers will be questioned in the sixth episode of the critically read Elemenstor Cycle.

Behind the Scenes

After the much derided Book 5, Tycho Brahe stated publicly that his next book would be much darker in tone. Using characters from Book 5 he set out to tell a much darker story in the Elemenstor universe. Set 10 years after Underpants, the story found a dejected and homeless Felthar swept up again in the diabolical schemes of the evil Gorg Stinkrot. Though dogged by critics for its rampant use of cliche and excessive swearing, it has been praised by fans as a delightful return to form. Fan reaction was especially warm to the unexpected return

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of Borold Gravelsnot III, which was kept a secret right up until publishing time.


Felthar the Moderately Handsome And Now Darkly Mysterious

Cubby


Gorg Stinkrot

Borold Gravelsnot III, Revered Keeper of the Orna-mental Dishwashing Liquid

Dogus Brankorking, Wasted Elemenstor and his familiar, Turnum, the Smug Ape

Grimfleur, antagonist majore (minor villain last seen in The Rubion Sword)

New Characters

Drongor the Unexpected, King of Ezermethalon, Son of Dorc the Incontinent

Gimba, Lady of Terle

Doric, Knight of the Lady of Terle

Semmellhalt, Squire of the Knight of the Lady of Terle

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Abercrombie, Accidental Furniliar of the Squire of the Knight of the Lady of Terle

Mycho Eharb, Itinerant Scribe of the Lady of Terle and author of SET:HToLE

Grim Paperpush, Head Bureau-crat of the Ezer-methalonian Department of Active Furnishings

Stoutback, Captain of the Chair Brigade

Straightleg, Seargant of the Chair Brigade

Persephalous, Lieutenant of the Chair Brigade, Stoutback’s lackey.

Zynthar, Wasted Elemenstor (Only appears in rare early draft)

Elspeth the Plainsrunner, Savannah Ranger and guide

Related Literature

• The Temptations of the Bix the End Table, and other tales contains the lost chapters detailing the adventures of Simon the Severe, Squidgy, Woodworm in the Accidental Furniliar of the Squire of the Knight of the Lady of Terle and Rum Ol’ Phil, Imagi-nary Friend of the Woodworm in the Accidental Furniliar of the Squire of the Knight of the Lady of Terle. The stories were entertaining, but ultimately deemed by the Editor of Book 6 to be far too “wacky” for the more mature tone. The few passages relating to Alvin Williams, the Accountant of the Imaginary Friend of the Woodworm in the Accidental Furniliar of the Squire of the Knight of the Lady of Terle have never been released commercially.

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Excerpts from the book

“Now you will die!” cried the greasy-haired ruffian. “Wielding one of the Hundred, I can conquer anyone!” ”Ha!” Doric flicked her wrist, disarming the bandit. “Sabembermoff had a hundred swords, each more amazing than the last, but it looks as though you only wield Arthak’s.”—Taken from Book 6, Nightstand’s Peril

Felthar and Cubbard were out there somewhere; and they were in danger. Even with the warm fire of the hearth at his back and the cold, smooth ale sweating in his hand, Dogus knew that Gorg Stinkrot was out there as well. ”Stinkrot,” Dogus cursed to himself under his breath, “Stinkrot and that damned nightstand.” One of the bar maids seemed to have overheard this muttering and stared at him with big, concerned pupils. ”Worry not, child,” Dogus placated her, “These are but the troubles of an old Elemenstor...long out of the loop.” She placed her hand on his shoulder and then smacked another froth-spewing mug onto the table next to him, leaving him to his thoughts. His thoughts remained out the window, which framed a perfect Middleclang night of trixillating stars over high-peaked mountain ranges. Somewhere out there, Dogus thought, Gorg was causing trouble in Ezermethalon. “He’s causing

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trouble and I’m not there to assist old Felthar,” Dogus hissed. Lifting his purple-furred head up, Teremus recovered from his stupor long enough to gaze at his bearded master. ”Back to your sweet-addled, temporary coma,” Dorgus lured, “Back to the haze we have both garnered for ourselves here in this drunken land.” It had been many years since the Wasted Elemenstor had lived a true tale of heroics, looting and adventure, many a yearicle since he had engaged himself in some journey of worth and excellence. Now, he sat in the Pig’s Annoyance, oggling the lady-folk and entertain-ing the scarred patrons near the kegs with his tales of High Elemenstoring and dark deeds unwrought. Looking at the snowy caps of the mountains, Dogus wondered if he shouldn’t leave it all, go back to a life as a great Fire Elemenstor, forge new tales for himself, and steal those of others. He could still return, he mused, return and live off the new tales here in this diminutive, hidden paradise of ale and skirt. Lately, Dogus had found he was exhausting his well of stories to impress and beguile the folk of Middleclang. He had been improvising lately, and improvising badly. Many a drunken night he had crafted a poorly-conceived tale and he was beginning to suspect the townsfolk were now only humoring him and no longer believed his recountings. The Pig’s Annoyance was starting to let out. Few were left to stagger on home, and fewer still remained to buy Dogus drinks in exhange for Dogus’ many epic recallings. Tonight the chubby waitress, her consider-able girth and bossom barely held tight underneath her white bar-maiden’s dress, was the only one left to listen. Would he enthrall her with tales of battle and mercy? Would he remain where he was, content to

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tickle her ear with an Elemenstoring saga or two? Or would he get up from this wooden stool, lay down his basket of deep-fried Runtberries and rejoin the great fight for the world of Battal? Dogus Brankorking, former Fire Elemenstor of Battal, awoke on a slobbered pillow, the smell of leaf smoke and wet ape-hair in his nostrils. He turned to peer over his shoulder. Plump and cute, flushed cheeks smiled back at him contentedly. Her bar-maiden’s red bow un-tied and lying limp on her beard-scratched shoulder. In the background of her chubby form was the ape, snoring smugly in what Dogus assumed were probably arrogant, smug dreams. ”Tell me more of Elemenstoring, Dogus,” cooed the soggy bar-maid, “Tell me more of the furniture and the glory.” Dogus turned over briefly to look out the window of his room. The snow-splattered mountain range was lit by an enduring sun now. Somewhere beyond them was his old friend, in trouble, somewhere out there new stories were still being lived...and TOLD.—Taken from Book 6, Nightstand’s Peril

Also, at one point while drinking in the Pig’s Annoyance, Dogus sings the bawdy ballad A High Elemenstor’s Elemenstave Has An Eldritch And Even Sometimes Epic Knob On The End.

The Elemenstor Cycle, Book 7: The Trial at Elddim’s Peak

Dust Jacket Notes

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Little did the denizens of the quiet village of Valedaleglenhill know that their plans to dig a new well through the abandoned mines that intersected a Dyemon burial ground would have dark and dangerous consequences. With the Tentacled Ancient Beast Yamshothog awoken, their only hope was to send three foolish children on a dangerous journey to Elddim’s Peak through the dreaded Lands of Va, ruled by the dark NightLairds, to beg the Elemenstors for help. What would the Elemenstors ask in return? And would help arrive in time?

Three Foolish Children

The three foolish children selected for the perilous journey actually prove to be quite clever and resourceful.

• Isaac Purcheron, 15, the leader, with a gift for communicating with animals.

• Ark Riven, 13, his parents were both killed at the site of the new well when Yamshothog emmerged.

• Raven Darkblood, 10, of the race of Zonardian half-man in-terbred with white dragons. She is the youngest of the group.

Misc Notes

Due to a printer’s error, this book was originally published as being written by “John Aquaman”, with the title “How to Boil an Egg”. It was widely reviled as an obvious, not-very-good Elemenstor knockoff, until the error was corrected and it came out under its own name. The original printing is considered a collector’s item, since most of the run was burned by fans angry at the perceived ripoff. It is also notable for the fairly short but achingly beautiful passage featuring the Plain Plains Plane, memorable only for its precision of language. This has driven some fans insane as they search for significance in it. Most of the fan base insists that the pages simply don’t exist, or are just what they appear to be. This book was also the first sign of the author’s playful fascination

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with the mechanics of language, involving an extended scene across three chapters in the dungeons of the NightLairds’ sanctuary in which the three children converse only in verbs lest they linguistically anger their captors, as shown in the short extract below from the second of these chapters, collectively termed the Action Sequence by some corners of fandom:

“Fight?” whispered Ark feverishly, a madness growing in his eyes. ”Negate! Negate!” Isaac was stern. Raven, meanwhile, stared mournfully at the world. “Die...” she hushedly whimpered, “End...” Suddenly, Isaac leapt up, his brow a-shining with invention. “Congratulate! Escape Plan!” Ark was intrigued. “Plan?” he asked, the madness draining as pus from a lanced boil. ”Plan,” agreed Raven. ”Trick? Lure, batter, disguise?” suggested Ark. ”Consider,” decided Raven. ”Write, defenestrate. Await?” put forward Ark tentatively. ”Negate,” declared Raven. Isaac’s eyes lit up as a plan formed. Isaac spoke one blinding word. ”Weave!”

Chapter 8

Interestingly, Chapter 8 (parts I, II, and III) is actually an aside that takes place during the Vampyric Wars which tells of the Vampyre Lord Vhadxi’s crossing of Portund and invention of Ithbarg II.

Vhadxi shook the mud off his blackened cape and stomped through the door of The Fancy Fisherman. The Bartender, Sailor Steve, lifted a glass of ale in greetings. ”Yar, matey!” he cried. “Welcome to The Fancy Fisherman!

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What can I do you for?” The ghastly pallor of a man approached the bartender, and with leering menace, placed his hands atop the counter. “I, Vhadxi, Dark and Evil Vampyre Lord Supreme, ruler of Blackest Minathok, require the use of a donkey.” ”A donkey, eh? I keep a cup of blood in the back, if you want it.” ”Foolish mortal! I didn’t come here for a ‘cup o’ donkey!’ Find me a steed to ride, posthaste, and you shall be handsomely rewarded.” ”A donkey, eh? I suppose you could talk to Markuel of Markuel over there, and he could fill you in a thing or two.” ”Over where?” And as Vhadxi turned to look, he slipped on the floor, plummeted backward, and landed on the ground with a prodigious thump. ”You okay, son? Sometimes we leave things on the floor.” Vhadxi got up, and brushed himself off. His hair was mussed, and—were it not for his excessive blinking—appeared extremely agitated. “That man over there?” ”You’re pointing to a wall. I meant the man over there.” ”Right. Thanks ... mortal.” ~(Chapter 8 “Fireside Tales, and Hilarity”)

The cadre of vampyres approaced cautiously, holding the freshly slaughtered puppy meat out in front of them in plain sight. Approaching in single file, they each laid their portion of puppy meat at Vhadxi’s feet. ”Yesss.” hissed Vhadxi. “This will go well on my vampyre pyre of puppy meat.”

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The great hall began to echo with the sinister laughs of vampyres. ”Muwahahaha!” laughed Vhadxi ”Muwahahahahaha!” replied the black cadre. Vhadxi threw his head back and let forth a monstorous bellow, ”Muwahahahahahaha!!” The vampyre cadre’s laughter diminished into a mere dark giggle here and there, yet Vhadxi continued to laugh with increasingly epic sinisterness. The surrounding vampyres became uncomfort-able because they felt the laughter had gone on for too long. If they laughed now, it would only be to protect Vhadxi’s feelings. ~(Chapter 8, Part II “More Fireside Tales, Or: Why Everyone Isn’t Asleep Yet”)

The Elemenstor Cycle, Book 8: The Archmagi of Eldersbane

Dust Jacket Notes

The Archmagi of Eldersbane - long thought to be nothing more than a fairy tale used to scare recalcitrant children, all Battal will soon learn the truth... Young Asana Millytopthought is a small, impertinent girl who has long known that stories of the Eldersbane, the flying castle of sky-blue stone, and its mysterious ruler were mere myth. But when her village is threatened by a power never before witnessed, she must set out on a journey to discover the source of the Eldersbane legends...and of herself.

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Book Highlights

• The discovery of Captain Tev’s lost expedition and the recovery of two of the Legendary Four Plaster Shards. - The connection between the Eldersbane and the lost continent of the Cataclysmic Bluont. - Revolt of the Chthonic Swinemen, the Dolphinthropes and the Homo Canii - collectively known as the Halfmen - of the line of Zonard. - A painfully detailed description of the trade conflicts of the kingdom of K’th’ith’h, first of the Twelve Realms to fall during the Vampyric Wars.

Misc Notes

At this point, the execs at Realmworlds Publishing were interested in growing the fan base of the franchise beyond its core demographics of virgin teen males and the mentally handicapped. In particular, they wanted add more interest for women. At their insistence, Tycho Brahe (or the hacks who replaced him, see: FfaTTBE) introduced a side-story featuring the rogueish, ebony-eyed pirate Manwich St Meatily, who featured in numerous twilight adventures aboard his ship Bodice Bane. The effort was a colossal failure.

Chapter Summaries

This section is subject to Discussion.

Spoiler warning: Plot and/or ending details follow.

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Book 8 is 27 chapters long, 244 pages.

Chapters 1-3:

Asana is introduced, as well as her mentor Dame Walk and the villages of Yalka and Pormora. Asana finds the Longsword +O.

Chapters 4-5:

The threat is introduced - takes form of Halfmen of the line of Zonard, who revolt against their enforced captivity and occasional consump-tion by humans. The Halfmen are lead by the Chthonic Swinemen after their perversion by Dark Elemenstation.

Chapters 6-9:

Asana runs for her life, is nearly killed four times, attempts to use the Longsword +O and then throws it away as useless, meets Trafficant the Sly, and overhears an elderwoman moaning about the return of Eldersbane.

Chapters 10-13:

Asana and Trafficant steal away in the night to seek a way to repel the Reth’can. Chapter 13 ends with a cliffhanger paragraph as Asana is falling to her apparent doom off a huge cliff as Trafficant escapes the pursuit of Halfmen by...flying?

Chapters 14-16:

Previously introduced characters are astounded to run across a wounded Trafficant who is curled up in the hollow of a tree in the

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Forests of Misery. For some reason, he is not being attacked by Soulferic Bats. He begs them to help him find Asana and they agree to send him in the right direction, but not without major foreboding over his apparent ‘mysteriousness’ (and a ton of foreshadowing)

Chapters 17-19:

We return to Asana who is alive, having had her fall broken by a series of rotting wooden planks, comprising 47 individual flying ships, stacked on top one another - this is the final resting place of Captain Tev’s lost expedition. We meet Tev and he helps Asana by digging up an ‘ancient scroll’ known as the Guidepath Numbers which is rumoured to be a key to finding the Eldersbane.

Chapters 20-23:

Hijinks occur as Asana attempts to use the Guidepath Numbers with increasing frustration. Just as she has an epiphany and activates the power dormant within the scroll, Trafficant finds her, just in time to see her disappear without having learned the important knowledge imparted to him by his rescuers!

Chapters 24-25:

Asana meets the last Archmage of Eldersbane, who, it is revealed, is responsible for the transmorgification and revolt of the Chthonic Swinemen. Trafficant is revealed to be the son of the Archmage, and uses his heritage to find Assana (whom he can find only through love) with the help of a counterrevolutionary band of Swinemen who proclaim, “Indeed, some ARE more equal than others”. The Archmage laughs at the plight of the villages and admits to perverting the swinemen as a practical joke. Asana and Trafficant attack the Archmage, are rebuffed easily until, while he is gloating, they discover his one true weakness and vanquish the crazy bastard.

Chapter 26:

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The two young heroes destroy vast swaths of the Halfmen with a ‘magical entropic feedback’ reaction using the Archmage’s equip-ment. As an unintended side effect, the Eldersbane is transported to the Bluount. This section is heavily footnoted with references to means by which the ‘magical entropic feedback’ reaction is related to manipulations in the world distribution of spica by a dark Chronoclone of Yar the Sorcerial. The footnotes on these footnotes, in turn, refer to the appendices, whose inclusion is apparently necessitated by this elaborate digression.

Chapter 27:

Asana and Trafficant vow to find a way to rid this new land of any suffering caused by the Archmage and ignored by any who are aware of this vast continent.

Excerpts:

“According to the Guild of Free Traders and The Allied Troll and Ogre Door Guarders and Footmen Union I should be paid in goats and silver. This is an outrage. Until further notice, I’m on strike.” -Barry the Door Guarding Troll P. 126

”That was incredible... we... we should be dead,” sputtered Trafficant. He took Asana by the shoulders and backed her away from the smoldering crater where moments before had sat the Archmage’s equipment. It was obvious that the entropic feedback machine would never again be operational.

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Breathlessly, Asana turned her big brown eyes up and looked into Trafficant’s charcoal smudged face, a single tear on her cheek, “Don’t you see. It’s just like the old man said. ‘No power can stand against it, save love.’” She paused. “This is what he was talking about. I’m pretty sure that was... it was...” she trailed off. ”Heart Elemenstation?” Trafficant offered. ”I think so.” ”Rubbish...” Chapter 27 Book 8

Appendices A & B:

Appendix A consists of a detailed 20 page description of the economic conditions in the kingdom of K’th’ith’h, particularly as concerns trade and the Apostrophine and Spica Mines which the kingdom is largely dependent upon. The description of the era’s classical economic debate of “spica versus Apostrophine” adequately summarizes neoclassical economic theories of supply and demand. A great deal of scholarly attention has been paid to the “tracing of the intersubjective dialectic between fantasy, pleasure, and the necessary temporal boundedness of human experience” that this section supposedly overlays on bare economic discourse. This is largely considered the most boring section of any of the 13 Books of the Elemenstors saga. Buried in the text is a one-sentence hint that despite the admirable legal contract skills of Lord B’gh’d, he harbors a dark secret. Strangely this occurs in the middle rather than the end of the text, cheating readers from skipping to the last page to find the tie-in to the next Appendix, and forcing them to slog through unnecessary technical and geopolitical details. Appendix B is an awkward two-page scene that focuses on the C’nf’s’ng Trade Dispute and the varied details of the economy of Battal that surrounded it. It has been speculated that the story was more of

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an afterthought that didn’t fit anywhere else, hence the addition of the rather dull appendices. (Note: it has been posited by opponents of the FfaTTBE that this awkward and drunken addition to the book argues for the involvment of Brahe-prime at this point in the Cycle.)

Endnotes:

There are a series of ads featuring donation numbers for Amnesty International and UNICEF, leading many to believe that the last chapter was added on to the novel as part of a class action lawsuit against Underhere publishing, which has as part of the settlement, a requirement for charitable work.

The Elemenstor Cycle, Book 9: Rise of the Rhjajyept

Dust Jacket Notes

The Lightning of Change crackles once again across the darkening skies of Battal. Deep within the earth, an ancient power awak-ens...BEHOLD the ancient Rhaja Lord, long imprisoned in his earthen tomb, returns to lead the Rogue Chronosorcellors of the Jyept Adept. Little do they suspect that they are merely pawns in a much grander saga, a cycle of cycles, a wheel within a wheel within a cycle, being played out again by the Rhaja Lord! The powers of Elemensta-tion are matched against the mind-bending might of the Rogue Chronosorcellors, only to lead to a stunning about-face conclusion...

Notes

Although pivotal to the plot of the series, this is generally considered the most poorly-written of them all. Some early fan blogs speculate

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that Mr. Brahe unwisely allowed his compatriot Mr. Gabriel (not to be confused with the enigmatic Gabe) to write the last two thirds of the book. Such speculation is corroborated by the broad disparity in quality between the first third of the book, which is relatively well written, and the last two thirds, which seem to have been hammered out by a very young adult. Although the plot seems to have been fully developed, the actual prose has caused many fans of the cycle to beat themselves sensless as they slog through it. A number of attempts at a rewrite, none complete, have been made by the blogging commu-nity.

The above snippet was obviously written by Mud Kings.

The precise location of the dramatic shift in writing style is excerpted below, though the style of writing does improve somewhat later on. Advocates of the Single Author Theory suggest that the dramatic shift in tone is an ironic use of Brahes “primitive voice” by which he parodies Wagner’s Ride of the Valkyries, from which the segment clearly draws. The implication, of course, is that Wagner surrendered his critical capacity for intellectual disengagement and distancing from the work, engaging in a “primitive” capitulation to the regres-sive tendencies of the genre. It is perhaps due to embarassment on the part of the author, or a sense of frustration at the inability of his audience to follow his dramatic experimentation in fantasy style, that in some versions of Book 10 it is revealed that the entirety of Book 9 was in fact a dream. These versions begin with the line “And then I woke up” and never refer to anything that occurred in the previous book. It is also thought that an effort was made to account for and integrate the diverging styles of this volume into the subsequent volume by carrying the polyvocality of its authorship to an extreme degree (See Book 10). In spite of the atrocious writing, this volume contains a number of key references to the political economy of spica and the Spica Wars and foreshadows The Resundering at numerous points. In addition, the dangling plotline of the Halfmen Revolution, often regarded by the fandom as a clumsy excuse to stick some kickass monsters into Book

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8, is finally resolved early in the book, with fan favourite character Noddy Chillbreezey (see Dolphinthropes) playing an important part. As such, it is indispensible to the plot development of the series. The book ends on a downbeat note - bickering amongst the various Elemenstors sunders the fellowship that has lasted for so many long yearicles. Each departs in anger, unknowing that the deadly Hierarch Wars are soon to begin and their powers will once more elemanifest...

Excerpts

(this one reveals the odd change in narrative ability exactly at the point in which it happens)

Dogus looked over the cascade of approaching Khith with trepidation and much nose-waggling. While their sharpened smithings were held aloft their rancid cries of “Holo-ka, holo-ka,” rang piercing in the ancient Elemenstor’s ears. “Another pint should suffice for me to strategize a forthcoming plan,” he boasted, heading back into the Pig’s Annoyance, all the while befuddling over whether or not the Chronosorcellors had discovered some form of Unlight Elemenstoring to control these vile creatures. He had to hurry, the creatures grew closer in the friscillating moonlight. He drank the beer good. Monsters coming. He think fast. Dogus blow up Khith and lots of fire. People cheer. Meanwhile Felthar coming. He on horse. Horse eat hay. “I hurry,” he says. Loud music.

--Taken from Book 9, Rise of the Rhjajyept, Page 211

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The Elemenstor Cycle, Book 10: The Hierarch Wars Begin (Colloquially, Elemenstors Gone Wild, Vol. I)

Note: Book 10 had two different dust jackets with different notes.

Dust Jacket Notes

Nobody suspected that the Old House of Eyekia Lane was anything special. Sierra Vanity didn’t. An Elemenstor would know better. Lurking between its creaking, clanking floorboards is the evilest evil this world has seen ever. Well... maybe not ever, but at least a century or two. Guddboy Lad sees this evilest evil. For you see, he has come to see the evilest evil isn’t in The Old House... it is The Old House. And when Sierra Vanity accidently unchains this evil during a savage wet cloak contest, an epic to end all epics will begin to unfold. Hat Rack and Foot Stool. Hope Chest and Nightstand. Armoire and Chair. The Elemenstor Saga reaches new epic heights as it draws near its epic end. BEWARE NOBLE READER: If you pick up this book, know that you will not rest until canvasing every line of every page!

Dust Jacket (On editions of Book 10 printed after Book 12)

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The wondrous tale of the Hierarch Wars begins quietly enough. The Old House of Eyekia Lane seemed an unseemly place for events that would shake Battal to its very core! But begin there they did. In the year 23,354, teenager Sierra Vanity inherits the Old House in her long-lost great-uncle’s will. Through a series of adventures with the kitchen boy Guddboy Lad, she discovers that the house is imbued with the dread power of long-forgotten dark lord Char Reyarteb. Meanwhile, the Elemenstors (scattered to the five corners of Battal after the breaking of their fellowship in the previous tale) sense the presence of this foreboding evil - and each gathers Staff and Furniture to once again do battle!

Notes

The first in the Hierarch Wars Trilogy, The Hierarch Wars Begin is best know for its unique format. Namely, that the entire work is written in a series of Villanelles that transition freely between English, French, Latin, Hebrew, Morse Code, Aramaic, and the guttural yawns of Wookiees (known as Shyriiwook). This effect leaves the reader in a sense of excitement and exhaustion as they chant along the epic in one hand and a dictionary in the other. The entire work is considered by some scholars as a metatextual commentary on the entire Elemenstor Saga, its surronding fandom, the meaning of social obligations in a captialistic democracy that openly supports fascist regimes, and, specifically in Verses 891-933, on Brahe’s anxities regarding his impending fatherhood. While controversial at first, the style won many adherents. Nevertheless, for reasons unknown, Brahe revised his formula for Book 11. This is in marked contrast to the fevered semi-coherent rantings towards the end of Book 9, which is perhaps acknowledged by the author by the opening line of Book 10, the immortal: “And then I woke up.”. Book 10’s continued popularity has much to do with the unceasing freshness of the work; even after several reads the text retains many secrets. A cottage industry of studies on Book 10 have sprung up since its initial publication to feed and comment on these mysteries. Perhaps some of this is attributable to the unusual manuscript submitted by the author for proof-reading and printing, which was written on thin sheets of edible chocolate. It was shortly after this that Tycho had his second break-down.

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Sierra Vanity

Guddboy Lad

Serafina Haberdasheron (deceased)

Borold Gravelsnot III, Revered Keeper of the Ornamental Dishwashing Liquid

Persephalous, Ex-Lieutenant of the Chair Brigade, Hermit.

New Characters

Barven Valori, Furniliar, secret lover to Persephalous

Baltor the Upright, Wasted Elemenstor known also as Killer Black

Toran, the young and impressionable Elemenstor

Companionship of the Elemenstors (appear at the end of the book and in the next two volumes)

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Unsolved Mysteries

• Who is the waxy purple figure described to be doing push-ups in the opening verses?

• Who or what exactly is the “Urtzkay” Brahe distainfully refers to in passing throughout the text?

• Is the disembodied head of Zula from the Wizbits! sup-posed to be addressing fanfic writers or fanfic readers?

• Why is the Recliner of Botany never seen at the same time as Guddboy Lad?

• Why does line “DIVX WAZ HERE” break up the rhythm in Verse 1355?

• What is the meaning on the transparent, smeared brown ring on the upper corner of Page 127?

• At what point is an Elemenstor actually going to “go wild”?

• Why, halfway through the book, does an erotic one-shot story takes place and then end mid-sentence?

Excerpts from the Text

Mighty was the hero’s reek Abundans oro nidor acidus: ’Excusez-moi, “le odeur chic”’ The ... -- . .-.. .-.. lingered for a week Eliciting grunt from those infidus Mighty was the hero’s reek But still, discidium: Reek or chic? Particularly the lego ficus: ’Excusez-moi, “le odeur chic”’ Each, every orifice would leak Each punctum puteo validus Mighty was the hero’s reek Enemies countless would ‘. . -.-‘

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And bolt, dismoral, after leaders Mighty was the hero’s reek ’Excusez-moi, “le odeur chic”’

(More excerpts required!)

Related articles

See The Hierarch Wars

The Elemenstor Cycle, Book 11: The Hierarch Wars Con-tinue (colloquially, Elemenstors Gone Wild, Vol. II)

Dust Jacket Notes (presented on a subdivider page in the “Hierarch’s Trilogy” of books 10, 11 and 12.)

The secret of the Old House is uncovered, and the reality is more frightening than anyone could possibly have imagined! Crafted by arcane magiks in the time of the Hierarchs, the House now threatens to unleash its dreadful power on the world. Could this signal the return of Char Reyarteb? My sources say yes! Now, with ultimate doom approaching, the Elemenstors must once again unite in a way not seen in millenia since the ugly incident between the High Elemenstor of Fire and the High Elemenstor of

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Water. Meanwhile, a plucky desk and his moronic yet loyal friend, the chair, must undertake an epic quest into a land of evil where happiness is strictly against the law. Can these two Furniliars complete their vital task even without opposable thumbs?

Notes

A portion of the book concerns the efforts of four distinct groups to defeat several evil elemental constructs. Partially parallel story lines are developed involving Ray the Telesorcerial and his activities during the Hierarch Wars and an equivalent story unfolding with Yar the Sorcerial, happening approximately 11,000 years previous but interwoven in a fascinating narrative that play with the very concepts of cause and effect. Ray generally assists in the destruction of the constructs, accompanying the chair and desk on a journey through several planes, including the Plane of Brooding Melancholia, though he also occasionally uses the desk, chair and even the constructs for his own purposes. Meanwhile Yar eventually stakes out a position of neutrality between the Chronoclave and a band of Rogue Chronosorcellors. Meanwhile, the story of the “Heroes” is progressed in this book as Sierra Vanity continues to make High Elemenstor allies to stand against the rising threat of Char Reyarteb, most of whom die either tragically or heroically in the next book. The rogues gallery of Elemenstors include such unforgettable characters as Mordichai Alamede (and his amazing jingle), the irrepressible (but ultimately quite repressed) Larrana Modpeer, and the stoic dragon-man Revolp Darkblood. This “neutral” plotline is developed alongside and occasionally intesects the “heroic” plotline of the High Elemenstors and the “dark” plotline which delves into the personal psychology of Char Reyarteb, who spends much of the book brooding about his poor relationship with his father. The heroic Elemenstor Zuumont engages in some considerable heroics, slaying Vile Worm in an epic battle, then venturing into Myrkmoom to investigate the mysterious disappearances of several key political figures and other allies. There he discovers the terrible truth about Bathtub Furniliars and prompty incinerates the lot of them, angering the Mistress of Myrkmoom, the Elemenstrix Kapybara.

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Notable Events

Beginning in 23,366, 12 years after the events of The Hierarch Wars Begin, this chapter of the saga covers a period of 35 years up to 23,401. This undertaking can only be truly described as ‘epic’. Just some of the many events to take place:

• Sierra Vanity and Guddboy Lad are now wed, and as we begin the book Vanity is pregnant with their firstborn. As the tale continues, the child ‘Ron’ grows first to strapping boyhood, then to strapping manhood.

• Sierra Vanity calls upon her old friend Mordichai Alamede (and his amazing jingle), who arrives with several Elemenstors in tow, including Larrana Modpeer and Revolp Darkblood.

• The true secret of the Old House is uncovered - the sinister spirit of Char Reyarteb lives on in the kitchen doorknob. Vanity and Ladd must return and vanquish the evil once and for all. The Elemenstors Ekezenthal, Arkazanthal, Zuu-mont, Ubrith, Toobanor, Ray Charebet(sorry, blanking on which other ones - please fill in) are unable to assist in this most crucial of all missions - beset by internal strife within their ranks, they must contend with armies of dark-ness springing up all over Battal. These vile hordes are gath-ered by the Doorknob Marshals - from his hiding place in the Darkest Doorknob, Reyarteb has furnished these hateful handles as his new Furniliars!

• Meanwhile, in a comedic subplot (something had to be done to lessen the epic weight of this world-shaking tale) Knobble the desk and his chair companion travel through the land of Grimgrieve - where happiness is outlawed - to sum-mon the Antique Furniliars to aid in the coming conflict!

• The Dark Elemenstors, sensing the awakening of their master Char Reyarteb, unleash their ultimate creations, The Eight Elemental Constructs, to distract the Elemenstors, while they work to free Char.

• The Elemenstors and lovers Ubrith and Jarvelos have a cli-mactic showdown with Spiral Doom, one of The Eight Elemen-tal Constructs. Unfortunately, they cannot defeat the Construct, and Jarvelos is tragically slain. Ubrith vows re-venge, and spends the rest of the book hunting for the evil Spiral Doom. Strangely, this plot is never picked back up in

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Book 12, and remains one of the most intriguing unresolved threads in the entire series.

• Brezgar Two-Eye and his War Men take advantage of the Elemenstors’ distraction to pillage the land.

• The Epic Wolf Men of Mount Wor, led by Lord Silvermane Snarlsnout, along with Mordichai Alamede and his crew, mount an assault on the tree-city of the Gorthmaugs, Affenlichtbaum, in an attempt to route these vile supporters to Char Reyarteb.

The Digressions

Nearly a thousand pages in length on its own (and part of the massive, leather-bound trilogy release of books 10 through 12), the text is a bit more scrutible than the other two volumes in the trilogy, containing smaller fields of random (?) punctuation. Nonetheless, the story moves freely among the numerous plot lines, not all of them related in any obvious way. It also contains digressions and expan-sions on topics that appear completely unrelated to the rest of the text. Examples of the various digressions:

• A long debate on the minutia of timesorc’ley between the Chronoclave and Yar the Sorcerial, which many regarded to be unnecessary and tedious.

• There is a completely unneccessary Gouth poetry contest called the “Winter Battle Slam”, which grows quite bloody amid accusations that some of the participants are “pup-pets” who are plagiarizing poetry from “The Machine”.

• Almost 40 pages are devoted to the history of the Dim Elves’ Lapua Elves Movement. Although some of the story does re-volve around the Dim Elves, this digression is never linked into that plotline.

• A study of the policies and intrigues of the first of the Elven Witch Queens, Ly’riarranaasa.

Related articles

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The Elemenstor Cycle, Book 12 : End of the Hierarch Wars (Colloquially, Elemenstors: Spring Break ‘2,167)

Dust Jacket Notes

I can’t find a copy with a dust jacket. Stupid used book stores.. -ploki

Notes

This book marks the pinnacle of Tycho Brahe’s writing (or his ghostwriter, if you believe some rumors). It is in TEotHW that the many great unresolved plot threads from the previous books were finally tied together. The Blossomwand now sundered, the love affair of Ekezenthal and Arkazanthal finally ended in marriage in what was, despite the many epic battles, arguably the best-written scene in the Cycle. As many astute readers suspected, the Elemenstor of Light was finally revealed to be a traitor working for the Dark Elemenstors. It also saw the return of the Ronard Dynasty, as it is revealed that the beloved Sierra Vanity is a direct decendant. And though she dies in a heart-wrenching battle in the opening of the book, her son becomes Ronard the Medium and functions as the main non-Elemenstor protagonist during the book. All that said, there were also a few glaring omissions in TEotHW

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which left some fans a little disappointed, such as the ultimate fate of Ubrith and her quest to destroy the evil Spiral Doom. For a book that had been so complete in other areas, the missing plots were a little confusing. Many believe that some important chapters had to be cut because the book was already getting so epic that it would have to be split into two smaller novels. The book is notable for featuring seventeen final battles. A new record in heroic fiction. Many die-hard fans still refuse to acknowledge Book 13, and claim that TEotHW is the true end of the The Elemenstor Cycle.

Key Events in the Story

Picking up the cliffhanger where The Hierarch Wars Continue ended, this thrilling conclusion contains no less than seventeen final battles. A list of some of the mighty deeds performed within:

• In the opening Battle of the Moonlit Banners Sierra Vanity is killed shortly after discovering her true lineage. Her son, Ron, and husband Guddboy Lad swear vengeance.

• The perpetually on-again, off-again Elemenstor couple Ekezenthal and Arkazanthal wed, the night before facing cer-tain epic death at Battlefield Mort. The subsequent battle is won with surprisingly few casualties.

• Cubby is resurrected in the midst of the Battle of Splinters and is critical to the destruction of The Ambulatator, one of The Eight Elemental Constructs , but refuses to aid in the Wars.

• Elemenstor Prigglesnap, during the course of a particuarly moving soliloquy, reveals to the reader that he has, at last, determined the location of the legendary Hat of Destiny, much to the surprise of Mordichai Alamede (and his amazing jingle).

• The Elemenstor of Light, Ray Charebet, is revealed to have been an astral projection of Char Reyarteb. He has been working with the Dark Elemenstors secretly to bring about his own resurrection since Book 11.

• Elemenstor Prigglesnap is slain by a colorful fellow named Twiddles who mistook him for a Dark Elemenstor.

• Amberberry is captured and killed by Brezgar Two-Eye and his War Men after their routing at the Windfield Plains. Elemen-

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stor Zuumont swears an epic oath of Blood Vengeance, but is then talked out of it by Knobble the desk.

• Finally, at the Battle of Freedom’s Peril, the Elemenstors come face to face with Char Reyarteb, freed from his doorknob prison, who is attempting to summon his one-time ally MooMaa the Dyemon-Ghost. In an epically titanic duel, the Elemenstors are fought to the point of exhaustion, and Guddboy Lad slain - but Ron, son of Sierra Vanity, van-quishes the dark lord and accepts his destiny as a descen-dant of King Ronard the Magic Sword King.

• In the Final Scene (until Book 13), Ron - now Ronard the Medium - ascends his throne to the cheers and approbation of all the peoples of Battal, except of course the evil ones.

Related articles


The Elemenstor Cycle, Book 13: The Glaivemistress(es) of Arvalyyon

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First edition book cover:

Dust Jacket Notes

After the devastation of the Hierarch Wars, the world of Battal is at peace once again. But for how long? Shortly after the victory at the Battle of Freedom’s Peril, the Elemenstor Union is approached by the mysterious Glaivemistress of Arvalyyon. Hailing from the era of The Resundering, the Glaivemistress is defying the will of the Chronoclave to set all of time right, and end the threat of Dark Elemenstation once and for all.

Comments

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This represents Tycho Brahe’s (or another author’s) most ambitious failure. After having defeated the dark powers so thoroughly in Book 12, Brahe is left with nothing to do in his last chapter but to try and do away with evil not just in the current time, but throughout all of time. But after having established Dark Elemenstation so forcefully and powerfully in his previous works, attempting to eliminate it creates massive inconsistancies between his previously coherent saga and this unnecessary thirteenth chapter. Indeed, most of the later works written in the world of the Hierarchs are an attempt to reconcile this thirteenth chapter with some coherent picture of reality. There are also significant structural problems with this book. Entire chapters are written with sentences that lack any semblance of syntax. The twelfth chapter, “Muffin;”, is composed entirely of semicolons without any words between them. When the meaning of his words is understandable, the content is jarring and rarely enjoyable. Mr. Brahe kills off many of the saga’s most beloved pieces of furniture in a freak bonfire in the first chapter, and the new character of the Glaivemis-tress seems to be perpetually intoxicated. This thirteenth novella might be an indication of failings in Mr. Brahe’s mental health. It may also, however, be evidence of the rumor that Mr. Brahe did not write many of the books in the Epic Legends of the Hierarchs: The Elemenstor Saga. The sudden appearance of a few lines regarding the Ohcyt Panamarans in a field of deepest punctuation in the last five pages is often considered an ill-fated effort to rescue the series. While the official title given by Brahe is “Glaivemistresses” (plural-ized), the book itself only contains one Glaivemistress, the Glaivemistress of Arvalyyon. Thus, the first edition cover pictured here most likely had the name changed by the publisher who, having actually read the book, changed the title to match the story. Later editions (including the suede one), released by different publishers, probably just took the original pluralized name off the alcohol-stained front page of Brahe’s original manuscript.

Knack Aware Microbes

The Glaivemistress introduces the reader to the concept of Knack Aware Microbes (KAM), or knackrobes as she refers to them. According to the “science” of her society, the ability of Elemenstors to use the Knack is governed by the concentration of knackrobes in

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their body. She rattles off several figures to support her claims such as a KAMrating of (inscrutably) 1007.9+w for Harbinger Portent and a KAMrating of 1080+i (highest ever recorded) for Char Reyarteb. She goes on to just other elemenstors by using her KAMtecting Rod, in order to assess threat level or usefulness of an elemenstor. Needless to say, fan reaction to knackrobes was quite negative. Most felt that this needlessly demystified elemenstation, while others felt that such an important system could not possibly be added so late in the franchise. Given that this book contains the only canon reffer-ences to knackrobes, the community has largely explained their appearance as being a reflection of the way in which the people of Arvalyyon interpreted elemenstation, and although the Glaivemistress presents it as factual, knackrobes may or may not actually exist or play the role that was expressed by her in the books.

Excerpts from the Text

;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; ; ; ;;;; ; ; ;;;;;;; ;;;;;;;; ;;;;; ;;;;;;;;;; ; ;;;;;; ;; ; ;

ULTIMATE SPOILER

Spoiler warning: Plot and/or ending details follow.

Because of the time bending actions of the Glaivemistress of Arvalyyon, Book 13 ends with the opening of Book 1, implying that the entire thirteen book series (and, by extension, the entire Elemen-stor Universe) was a giant timeloop deprived of free will. By far the most controversial element of the entire Sage, it still incites flamewars over its merit. The momentous last lines read:

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The Elemenstor blinked. Had he seen something in the darkness? No, he decided, it was probably just those olives he ate earlier. They hadn’t been fresh at all. Plus he was getting old. Bah. He’d be dead long before he gave up his precious pickled foodstuffs. Dismissing such thoughts, he gathered his robes and pressed on. A flash of lightning tore through the tumult, illuminat-ing the grizzled Elemenstor and his ambulatory dresser.”

The Elemenstor Cycle, Book 13 and ½: The Eternal Timesor-c’ley of Middlemoon

Synopsis

The book is a indepenant work of Tycho Brahe as he tries to go back through all previous 13 books and correct the books to coincide with his Goth vision of Char Reyarteb. This is however most definately not official canon, since it isn’t endorsed by and has never made money for Realmmasters. Which means it’s totally incorrect and should be ignored.

Contents

While this book progresses the timeline of ELotH:TES by only a few days, those few days are spent discovering truths about Battal’s ancient secrets. This voyage of discovery makes us rethink the entire

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world’s past, removes many seeming contradictions in the series, and covers many periods we previously knew little about in depth. Sub-stories include: The Horseless Nomads of the Chasm durring the Million Year War, The Great War Of The Warlords, the previously unexplored aspects of the Spica Wars between The Longest Moment and the start of The Sundering, and the dark secret of the Murpelts. Fans of the book have been quoted as saying, “Truly existence is nobler with this book in it.”

Notes

After the disastrous reception to Book 13, Tycho Brahe is rumored to have come out of reclusion (if he was in reclusion in the first place is a matter of debate) to set the story straight. However, because of licensing issues involving Steven Anderson and switched addresses for a FBI Drug Bust Book 13 ½ was put on hold. However, Tycho Brahe in a heroic show of support for fan’s of The Elemenstor Cycle managed to evade his FBI interogators and Steve Anderson’s Lawyers to post a number of snippets from Book 13 ½. Attempts are being made to cobble together the dispariate bits that have been found in order to understand what Tycho Brahe was attempting to say.

Excerpts Found So Far

Table of Contents Prologue - A Mean Sjkarblae is a Happy Sjkarblae! Chapter 1 - Braving the arid deserts of the The Baren Swamplands of Yore. Chapter 2 - Unknown Chapter 3 - The Battle for Darkhorn Bend!! Chapter 4 - Unknown Chapter 6 - The long lost son of The Steward Earl Stewart Earle Steward, Earle of Steward!? Chapter 7 - Nomenclature Dance. Chapter 8 - What the Quilp? Chapter 9 - What Gespechio Knew Chapter 10 - Wheels within Plans

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Chapter 11 - The Smittenning Chapter 12 - Blood Wars and Sugar (or alternately: Blood, Wars, and Sugar) Chapter 13 - Unknown

“I just knew the truth of the War Men was a lie!” said Bumblin Elfcandor III. “It wasn’t really them, it was the hithero unknown race called Murpelts!”. “Yes” agreed Archimedes Breakwind “I suppose you are correct. That explains it all”. P. 585 Chapter 1

:

An essential piece of punctuation in the ELotH:TES universe. Some argue that its role is yet greater than that of ;, since it occurs in the title of the series. Thought to represent anxiety, new openings, and homophilia, it is set in a continuous, creative, dialectical tension with ; throughout Book 13.

;

; is used extensively throughout Book 13, to achieve what has been described by some as “headache-inducing” and by others as “wholly illuminating.” It is also the name of no less than 17 central characters in this novel. Outside of Book 13, ; enjoys much renown in the other 12 books, as Tycho Brahe, in his attachment to linguistic gymnastics, often used it where lesser authors may have ended the book. This allowed him to continue writing long after most would have given up,

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both in individual paragraphs and in the entire ELotH:TES series itself.

The Number 3,895,074

Harbingers in year 574 (TMSK) calculated that this was the most perfect, most complete, most philosophical number. Many important harbinger texts are devoted to the understanding of this number, which interestingly also appears seemingly randomly throughout the 13 novel Elemenstor Cycle.

This is one of the more popular bawdy pub songs in the western lands of Battal. It refrences the practice of Elemenstave crafting and humorously compares the noble weapon to a phallus. It is said to be one of the more preferred songs of Lord Kinlo. It was sung in its entirety by Dogus Brankorking in Book 6.

“Oh, Some men have a little wand, and at these men we laugh And some men hang off of their waist a full-fledged Battlestaff. But of all the weapons, oh, to make a woman rave, ’Tis the sight of a High Elemenstor’s long thick El’menstave. Though many powerful weapons have been held by many men An elemenstave has an eldritch and even epic knob on the end. And when he gets all riled up, out of that epic mast-- Yes, ye best get out of the way of that mast’s mighty blast. Oh, long and smooth and slender, with a mighty knob on top Tis the mighty Elemenstave will make any woman stop, oh, in her tracks to take a look at the eldritch, epic

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sight, And wonder how that staff would feel, oh, in her hands tonight! Yes, some men have a tiny wand, and at these men we laugh. And some men have hanging from their waist a big old battlestaff. A Fancy Man, he likes’em all, but if you ask him what he’ll crave It’s the sight of a strapping El’menstor with a big hard El’menstave! Oh, what do I, you’re asking me, what weapon do I wield? When my blood’s been hot, you want to know, what is it I’ve revealed? When I came across a succubus, how did I make her behave? She surrendered as soon as she saw my big-knobbed Elemenstave! Yes, I am a High Elemenstor, and let there be no doubt, If ye want to see the knob I have, there’s one way to find out. Just come around me room tonight, and madam, if you’re brave Then tonight, you can be on the end of my long Elemenstave! -- Taken from Book 6: Nightstand’s Peril”

Yep.. sung in it’s entirety, but not straight through all at once if you’ll remember the nasty spilled drink bit between the fifth and final verse. :)

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A Night at The Rusty Spear

One of Tycho Brahe’s short stories, it details a night the twin Fire Elemenstors Oryand and Greg stayed at an inn named The Rusty Spear. The focus of the story however is the tale told by an old bard named Urlack Goual. His tale entitled The Tragedy of Miramus Cagous, Accountant draws the twins in and they are mesmerized by his charm. It is only too late that they realize they have been bewitched along with with the rest of the taverns patrons. Urlack has made off with their coin and they must track him down. They find him hiding in a stable which they promptly burn to the ground, avenging themselves of his thievery. See The Tragedy of Miramus Cagous, Accountant, Dawn of the Dark Shadows

This is the definitive encyclopeadia of Battal, written by the Knowledge Smith Aardnarsh, which took him 4372 years to finish. He travelled both Shield and Sickle talking to peasants about virtually anything. He is believed to be the first of the line of People who have seen everything and have T-shirts confirming that. After over four millenia of toiling, Aardnarsh (who became known throughout Antior as “that curious bearded guy”) discovered that quite a lot of his original work has gradually disactualised. Ignoring that, he published his compendium hoping that the people will believe what they read rather what they see. Not that many people died, and it is widely believed that he had a point in that. Suprisingly, some of Aardnarsh’s articles, which often involved interviewing a first hand source for information, were actually invented on the spot by those who were interviewed. Other articles were actually made up by Aardnarsh to amuse himself, with similar results and deathrates. Many editions of The Compendium have been published, but generally apocraphal articles do not remain in the compendium for more than one issue. A notable exception is the entry for the Harmless Yellow Macramidgon, which is entirely fabricated, but very popular. Aardnarsh travelled with an apprentice knowledge-smith named

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Stubbins ‘Stub’ McHenry, who did an infamously incomplete and unthorough job. None the less, due to time constraints, many of his entries saw publication*. As a result, calling an incomplete compen-dium entry a “stub” has become common practice. Many wiki contributors have picked up on this jargon and used it in their own entries. In recent years the Compendium has competed for sales and definitiveness with the much larger and more detailed “Rickett’s and Toby’s Guide”, though it is unlikely either will ever drive the other out of print entirely. The Guide appears to be settling into the niche of a general information source for the layman, whereas the Compendium remains a staunch favourite with serious anthropologists and pseudoanthropologists - its entries in these areas are inarguably of superior quality. This book recieved the Biggest and Bestest Compendium award from Fromlem’s Guide. * His initial entry for bugglywump consisted solely of the word: “Cute.”

Abercrombie

Abercrombie is the accidental Furniliar of Semmellhalt, the squire of Doric, the knight of Gimba, the principal lady of Terle and the first female Terleian. This places Abercrombie in a position of no official standing. He was, however, often used to carry intoxicating bever-ages, and over the years grew quite capable of keeping them cold. It is unknown what methods he used to accomplish this. Abercrombie was inhabited by Squidgy, a woodworm.

Action Sequence

The Action Sequence fan-coined term for the sequence of three

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chapters in Book 7, where the Three Foolish Children were forced to converse solely in verbs to escape the attention of the NightLairds. Brahe’s love of linguistic wordplay was developed further in the Sequence. The Action Sequence is not especially popular with many literary figures, who point to inconsistencies in Brahe’s verbal schematic and laboured dialogue as flaws. Fans, however, are more forgiving of Brahe’s authorial quirks, and many have tried to emulate the Sequence in fanfiction with varying degrees of success.

Affenlichtbaum

Capital city of Gorthmaugs, built on the tree-tops in a deeply forested region of Grammelgrap. Since, being FREAKY MONKEY MEN, Gorthmaugs are not exactly big on architecture, the city is, in fact, re-used ruin of an older city built by Extremely Elves. Some of the ruins are still haunted, and Gorthmaugs are deeply afraid of elven ghosts. The treehouses are built in decidedly elven style, now adorned with banana peels and flinged poo. Connected by vines and ropes they form an unusual, elfine-ape architecture. The city was colonized by Ouaakkak, the first king of Gorthmaugs. Since the Gorthmaugs do not use tools (or anything that isn’t a banana or magic) the often leave their homes after the stench becomes unbearable. That is, unbearable by their standard.

Agash

A popular game among virtually every race and faction of Battal, dating back to The Magic Sword Kings Period. Accounts that it was invented by King Ronard himself, while considered apocryphal by the time of the Four Underdogs, are not impossible. Certainly King Ronard was known to play the game (indeed, is known to have died playing

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it). Though rarely played by followers of Ronardity (as they understand the dangers), its historical persistence and wild popularity are directly attributable to their widespread and entirely free distribution of the Chronicles of the Magic Sword Kings. The game is specifically preached as one surefire path to Vigorous Aliveness (and, by association, an excellent inspiration of lulz). It is also occasionally associated with the philosophy of Bloodlustiness. To the uninitiated, a good game of Agash looks rather like two hopelessly inebriated, completely naked circus performers throwing deadly objects at one another while screaming inarticulately, occa-sionally interrupting their revelry to charge wildly toward each other before resuming what closely resembles a murderous snowball fight with knives instead of snow. (Speculation that this is in fact exactly what killed King Ronard, and that the “game of Agash” was spun from whole cloth in an attempt to preserve his legacy, is wholly unfounded and severely frowned upon by disciples of Ronardity.)

Basic Rules

Setup

As detailed in Book 3, Agash is traditionally played between two people, though multiplayer variants are known to exist in some regions. Both participants remove all armor, clothing, undergarments, jewelry, hairpieces, et cetera—Agash is played between two people as the Hierarchs intended them. Enchanted tattoos of a protective nature are considered highly unsportsmanlike. The playing field may be virtually any environment, so long as two distinct “sides” can be discerned. The participants square off at a number of paces—generally twenty, but children often set that number to ten as a sort of “targeting handicap.” An equal number of bladed, spiked, or otherwise pointy implements may be placed anywhere within three paces of each participant (five is the standard number of implements as well). All implements must be at least one pace distant from any other

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implement. These implements may be enchanted, so long as the enchantment does not enhance the objects’ ranged targetting capabilities. These implements should not be touching the partici-pants when the game begins.

The Throwing Phase

The participant who did not issue the challenge usually gets to throw first, though in cases of mutual suggestion, a deciding round may be played first (see below). Dodging is encouraged and indeed recom-mended if one hopes to live through the game. The goal is to score as many cuts as possible by throwing the implements at hand—but only against the skin. Muscle, tendon, bone, cartilage, eyes, basically anything that isn’t skin must not be cut. Capillaries do not count against this requirement, but major arteries and veins do. Hair does not count one way or the other. If you cut anything other than your opponents’ skin, the game ends and you lose. Note that this is considered different than winning—no one wins at Agash unless all rounds (four is a standard number for short games) are played and cuts are counted (see below). Each throw is to be accompanied by a yell of warning; it is consid-ered sporting to yell where you are aiming (“Your head!”, “Your legs!”, et cetera). Once the first throw is made, both participants are free to make throws as quickly as possible until one participant runs out of implements. At this point, whoever has thrown their last implement yells “Agash!”

The Deciding Phase

When Agash is called, players must immediately charge toward one another at full speed. Whoever flinches away first loses the Deciding Phase; the other player gets to throw first next round. If neither player flinches away (they both collide) or they both flinch away simultaneously, then another Deciding Phase is played, and another, and another, until someone flinches away. If someone loses con-sciousness, breaks a bone, or is otherwise rendered unable to continue by the Deciding Phase, then they lose (but again, their opponent does not win). After the Deciding Phase, players switch sides on the playing field

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and play continues with another throwing round—however, one’s “implement pool” is limited to the weapons on one’s side. Which means you have all the weapons you threw in the previous round, plus whatever your opponent failed to throw. If no implements are on your side at the beginning of a throwing round, you must wait for your opponent to make at least one throw before calling Agash.

Victory Conditions

After four rounds (a round consists of one Throwing Phase and one Deciding Phase), the game is ended and cuts are counted. Whoever has scored the most cuts against his or her opponent is declared the winner, and their opponent is declared the loser. If the game is ended early due to a disqualifying cut or other automatic loss as detailed above, there is at least one loser, but there is no winner. For this reason, a number of interesting boasts have arisen across Battal. It is a very enigmatic and mildly threatening thing to say, “I always lose at Agash.” People who always kill their opponents always lose; on the other hand, people who always pass out during the Deciding Phase also always lose. To say “I always win at Agash” is to boast of incredible accuracy, magnificent agility, and respectable constitution as well. “I never lose at Agash” could mean many things and so would be something of a non sequitur. The fact is, most of the population of Battal never win at Agash, whether they lose frequently or not. But this is why Agash is often considered a spectator sport. The audience always wins, except for the occasional “innocent” bystander who receives wounds intended for a player. It should be noted that the injury or death of bystanders is not taken into account with respect to the winning or losing of the game. However, all imple-ments must, after the first round, be played from where they fall. If that means prying a knife from a spectator’s chest or retrieving an axe instead of giving medical attention to a wounded loved-one, so be it. Agash audiences are aware of and accept the risks associated with the game.

Optional Rules

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Many regional and “house” variants on this popular game exist. The most common has to do with the choosing of weapons. On mutual agreement, players of Agash can choose to place certain limitations on the selection of implements. Obviously, it is easier to play Agash with razor-sharp, well-balanced throwing knives, shuriken, and similar implements. But the game is considered all the more amusing (if somewhat lacking in finesse) when played strictly with objects more heavy, blunt, or imbalanced—like swords, large spikey hammers, axes, et cetera. One extremely popular variant requires both participants to chug ale between each round. In The Wizbits Cartoon, playing without clothes is referred to as “very old fashioned.” However, in the original Japanese ElamenSTAR, the Wizbits adhere strictly to the canonical, saga-established rules when playing. Obviously the inclusion of clothes changes the mechanics of the game significantly, but for obvious reasons the non-canonical American cartoon was more concerned with American cultural norms than with canonical adherence. The nuances of this dichotomy have extended into an almost seasonal debate amongst the presiding members of the real-world Worldwide Agash Lovers’ League.

Advanced Techniques

A number of advanced tactical approaches to the game of Agash do exist; indeed, King Sc’rch’drth himself is supposed to have written an expansive treatise on the subject. Sadly, despite its popularity during the Spica Wars, no copies are known to have survived The Sundering. Most discussions of advanced techniques begin with the initial arrangement of implements to maximize rapid deployment, gaining an upper hand early in the game. The various patterns of legal deployments within a three-pace-radius circle around the player are referred to as “shapes.” Most dedicated players of Agash have a preferred shape; knowledge of a player’s preferred shape and technique for deployment allows one to “read” an opponent and score several points early on in the first round. Strategies for later in the game are a little more loose, since the “shape” of the implements after round one is determined not by

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choice, but by where the thrown weapons end up. In this respect there is considerable discussion of playing fields—walls, for instance, keep all implements close at hand, while fields and forests can complicate the game considerably. The introduction of spectators also impacts this, as spectators may help or hinder things whether they mean to or not.

Agash in Battal

Perhaps the most famous players of Agash are the Bladebrothers, who are depicted as excellent players who love the game and revel in the Vigorous Aliveness and lulz that it inspires. The Bladebrothers are depicted as preferring to spend their free time playing Agash throughout all thirteen of Tycho Brahe’s books (though the rules do not appear until Book 3). Among the Bladebrothers, Vel Jinglefist was an acknowledged master of Agash. His only known loss was to the budding Elemenstor Zula, in the ElamenSTAR episode Welcome Home, Elemenstors!. Her intrinsic understanding of air currents doubtless helped her in this matter, as did her vapid, zen-like mindset and reed-thin physique. Later, in Elemenstors in a Pinch!, a the semi-suicidal Last Ooamp refuses to grant the Four Underdogs passage unless they defeat it in a game of Agash. Fortunately, Zula knows the game and is able to win without granting the creature’s death wish. The continued agony of bitter loneliness on the part of a single Ooamp was, after all, a small price to pay to prevent the extinction of a species (and force the delicate issue of genocide on an unsuspecting viewership). Of course, the most historically significant game of Agash for denizens of Battal is the first historically recorded one—wherein King Ronard dies and his unnamed opponent loses the game. Which is not as good as winning, of course, but at least the great Sword King himself never lost.

Agash in the Real World

Although it was almost certainly played by various fans of the books after its rules were spelled out in painstaking detail in Book 3, Agash received a lot of negative press when rumors of injury and death

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began to circulate after the airing of The Wizbits Cartoon episode “A Warm Welcome.” The mainstream press referred to Agash as a “fantastical admixture of horseshoes, chicken, and russian roulette” which was “being peddled to children like so much crack-cocaine” through the “braindead medium” of “cheap Sri Lankan animation.” Supposedly children were attempting to imitate the game in some sort of horrific nationwide epidemic. These rumors have never been confirmed and are assumed false or possibly sealed by the courts. Either way, Agash appeared in other episodes of The Wizbits Cartoon and so the lawsuit payouts, if any, must have been miniscule compared to the television ad revenue and retails sales of Agash-themed playsets driven by the popularity of the usually dangerous, occasionally deadly, always hilarious game. Since fans first started playing Agash in the real world, many tiny and unconnected leagues were formed. However, with the advent of the internet, many of these have conglomerated to form the Worldwide Agash Lovers’ League.

Air

Air is one of the basic four elements of creation, and thus of High Elemenstation. It represents chaos, luck, free-spiritedness, weightlessness and breathing. Its symbol in the CCG is the Three-Pointed Swirly Thing.

Air is represented symbolically in the Weighty Tome of Elemenstor by streakers. Air Elemanifestations can summon flying minions or whisk minions or technologies off of the board. Air-aligned creatures tend to have very high reflexes, somewhat high attitude and good seduction, though very low life points. An Air Elemenstor is also known as a Wiffle, and is decidedly the least common or popular type of elemenstor.

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is the ancient character the Hierarchs used for writing the word Air. It is often woven into the clothes of Air Elemenstors, or printed in their magical items. The character is part of the typeface used in printing the Elemenstor Cycle books and often appears in place of the word air when referring to Air Elemenstation. Related

• Elements

• Air

• Water o Ice o White Water

• Fire

• Earth

• Heart (Debated)

• Life

• Death

• Stream

• Carry

• The Four Vales

Aklom Reklats

A being cast out of the Oculus Omnipotens who has had, strangely, a profound effect on Battal.

The Exile

Cast out from the very essence of the Starborn Gem, Aklom Reklats was in himself a remarkably decent manisfestation of the jewel. Being

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the Facet of Justice and Fairness, Aklom Reklats was in fact as close to perfection as possible. Reklats argued that it was “unfair to withhold so much knowledge from the world, when it is the right of all to receive knowledge”. This did not go well with Reklats’ brethren, the Starchildren, and thus Reklats was expelled from the jewel. Reklats would never again see the twenty faces of the Oculus Omnipotens. Even as Harbinger Portent uncovered the mighty jewel, Reklats refused to give into temptation and did not even consider the act of pleading to rejoin his brethren—even to regain the knowledge which he had lost on his fateful exile onto the barren earth of Battal.

The Manisfestation

Until the fall of Harbinger Portent, Reklats wandered Battal invisibly, his silver eyes escaping nothing, trying, just trying to regain even a little of the knowledge that he had lost. However, when Reklats witnessed the death of Portent, Reklats was infuriarated. His own brothers within the Oculus Omnipotens had betrayed him—betrayed him, for an idiot mage who would die of his own faults mere centuries later! This buffoon, the immortal Char Reyarteb, was the reason for which Aklom Reklats once more became tangible—for such incomprehensible idiocy simply had to be dealt with. However, Reklats could not stop Reyarteb’s stupidity instantaneously. The Oculus Omnipotens was aiding Reyarteb, and Reklats knew he wouldn’t stand a chance against them, even if he did know their ways. Thus, Reklats scoured the now-reformed Battal for clues with which to stop Reyarteb—and until centuries passed, he found none.

The Death and Rebirth

It was not until the year 19,098 that Aklom Reklats found suitable attackers of the now nearly-immortal Reyarteb. By this time, Reklats’s Oculus-spawned powers of immortality were waning, and Reklats knew his time was near. With that, the once-powerful entity gathered all of his remaining power, and transferred his might into four infants, who would grow up to become the Four Underdogs, and with the aid of the Ocumen, eliminate Char Reyarteb and his horde of subterranean men forever. This act proclaimed forever the astound-

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ing effect of not only Aklom Reklats, but the whole of the Oculus Omnipotens, upon Battal. However, after the remainder of the Oculus Omnipotens buried itself within the sand of Battal, some strange force revived Aklom Reklats, sans most of his memory. Without knowledge of his power (that was at this point the greatest in the world, due to the damage done to the Starborn Gem), Reklats believed that he was just a normal human—but because of his sleeping power, he remained one of the most volatile—and extremely dangerous—beings on Battal. Eventually, circa 19,485, Aklom Reklats was able to absorb the Non-Life from the Mute Blade of Non-Life, and in this way Aklom became the indirect manifestation of Non-Life—making him even more powerful than he was previously. However, this did nothing to make Aklom aware of any power he had within him—he still led a normal life as others (albeit an extremely long one).

Ale

A beloved drink of Dwarves, Men and all in-between. Ale has been known to cause unusual behavior, including dangerous sword-play among friends, regretfully sent messages, and spending “quality time” with seedy wenches. Long nights of drinking ale generally lead to illness the next day, and occasionally to the dreaded walk of shame / ambula-tion of shame. Also see Slow Killing Poison

The Kingdom of Alfafanar

Founded after The Sundering, The Kingdom of Alfafanar is located on the small and nigh unaccessible plateau of Alfan, in the middle of The Sickle. Its unique geography helps to form a vast, lush garden in the

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center of the barren and dusty continent. It is also renowned for being the place where famous people come from, and even has a small museum displaying the large number of “chosen ones” that are its expatriates. Alfafanar is the setting for tale The Five Chosen Ones.

History

The Clans

The plateau was originally settled by several bands of migrating tribes. Finding themselves in a place of infinite bounty where they would never have to work again, they immediately set about killing each other. Each generation, the clans would skirmish, until a leader would arise to unite half the clans against another leader who was just happening to be uniting half the clans against him. Eventually, the two armies would go at it in the center of Alfan, and in the ensuing confusion, the two warlords were killed. The survivors would then return home, and father the next generation of fighters. This continued until the rise to power of Cedric the Bastard.

The Founding of the Kingdom

As usual, two Warlords had arisen to unite the clans. One was Lion the Brian-Hearted, who was known for assimilating clans by simply beating their leaders to death with their own dismembered limbs, and Cedric the Bastard, who used stealth and cunning to destroy his rivals. Ultimately, the two faced each other on the plains, the largest armies ever in Alfafanian history at their backs. They had both realized that eventually, the circle of violence had to end. Lion challenged Cedric to a duel, as was his wont, and Cedric agreed. Cedric won, after Lion was found two minutes before the duel, with what is reported to be

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“a seven score arrows perforating his body”. Cedric was crowned King, and built Castle Anonymous, named after his father.

The End?

Unusually, no end of the Kingdom is recorded in any canonical source. It’s possible that it continued to thrive until the end of the world. It is however recorded that since Alfafanar has such a high concentration of “chosen ones” that in the end times, many of the Communities of Prophecy Incarnate sprung up in the outskirts of this kingdom. The most notable of these of course is Imminent Dale.

Economics

Alfafanar has a powerhouse economy. Being positioned on the sources of several mighty rivers, with access to huge amounts of lumber and food as well as a large number of ore-rich mountains, it has essentially created a monopoly in nearly all trade. While only Alfan is officially part of Alfafanar, this monopoly makes all neighboring countries merely petty fiefdoms, and puts the Kings firmly in charge of currency and other economic components of Battal. They also control the Guild of Free Traders for when they want to seem impartial.

Kings

• Cedric the Bastard

• Selent the Cedricellian

• Brian the Fab

• William the Straight

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The Allsoul

The Allsoul is a fragment of the Ginormous Soul, an intangible life force that resides in most inanimate objects. It is this force that Elemenstors haggle with during the process of transchanting.

Alvin Williams

Alvin Williams is the accountant of Rum Ol’ Phil, the imaginary friend of Squidgy, the woodworm of Abercrombie, the accidental furniliar of Semmellhalt, the squire of Doric, the knight of Gimba, the principal lady of Terle and the first female Terleian. His wacky accounting antics are considered the chief reason for cutting him, Rum, and Squidy almost entirely out of Book 6.

Amberberry

A powerful PlantShaman who has the dubious distinction of being one of the characters taken from Tycho Brahe’s celebrated Elemenstor Cycle and inserted into Wizbits animation in place of an unrelated character in the corresponding ElamenSTAR episode. Amberberry first appeared in Book 4 of the Cycle, Curse of the Doombane, and rapidly became a fan favourite. She appeared in several subsequent books, and while never a main character, she was always ready with some mysteriously infallible advice if an Elemenstor needed it. In one memorable scene, she was awarded the Order of the Gloss Varnish Coat after saving a group of wandering Bureau-crats from an attack by the Shadow Woodworm. Her popularity made it even harder for readers when in Book 12, End of the Hierarch Wars, she was captured by a rogue band of War Men led by the brutal Brezgar Two-Eye. Tragically, despite having allowed Ekezenthal and Arkazanthal to realise their love for each other by

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sundering the Blossomwand, Amberberry was killed. She died with the name of her true love, the Chronoartificer Tallant (who she had never met) on her lips. A minority of fans reacted badly to this scene, but most felt that it was a fitting sendoff for a beloved character. Amberberry also died in an episode of The Wizbits Cartoon, though Book 12 had yet to be written. The specific episode was Death in the Family: A Very Special Wizbits. Amberberry’s non-dying appearance in The Wizbits was far less auspicious. In the episode Bumble Rumble (Part 2) she aided Warchief Bogg and his (cuddlier) War Men by showing them the goodness in their own hearts. In addition to being inconsistent with the timeline, the dialogue in these scenes was simply terrible, and guest voice actress Sheri Maple did not capture the character that so charmed fans of the novels.

Fan Art

Anonymous Third Person Ob-server

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A mysterious man, presumably an Elemenstor, who was revealed to be narrating Book 3 in a brief mention in chapter 14. Little is known about the Observer, other than he wears “stylish” clothing and has a deep resonating voice. His identity is one of the most hotly-debated topics in ELotH fan circles today.

Theories on the Observer’s identity

The Observer is Brahe

Many leap to the initial conclusion that the Observer is really none other than Tycho Brahe himself. The most common objection to this theory is that Mr. Brahe and the Observer cannot be the same person for the simple reason that Mr. Brahe’s clothing has never been stylish, but a little thought dismisses this objection. Mr. Brahe’s clothing must be stylish from his own perspective, otherwise he wouldn’t wear it. (Some pedants add that while Brahe’s clothing is indeed strange, it undeniably has a style of sorts - merely a style with which the modern world is unfamiliar.) While, for many, it would be a great let-down from a literary standpoint if this theory turned out to be accurate, it cannot be dismissed, due to both popularity and simple lack of evidence to the contrary. A poll conducted in mid-2003 showed that roughly 42% of Elemen-stormers support this theory.

The Observer is a fictional character

Just over 50% of ELotH fans support one or more of the variations on this theory. Depending on who you ask, the Observer is: # a fictionalisation of Brahe. Given how many of us mere fans have created characters for use in ELotH video-, card and board

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games over the years it would seem naive to assume that Brahe himself did not have a character of his own. This theory assumes that Mr. Brahe did what so, so many fan fiction authors did after him and inserted himself into the story as a character. See Mycho Eharb for the possible identity of this character. # a character we are already familiar with. Most people with beliefs along these lines claim that the Observer is Harbinger Portent or some other Elemenstor, such as Gendoman Ovelkus. Others suggest a much more powerful individual, perhaps a Hierach or a Chronosorcellor, who might have plausibly been familiar with the entire events of Book 3. Of course, it could be practically anybody. # a character we have not met before. There is of course the chilling possibility that the Observer is a fictional character but inhabits a different fictional world entirely, one in which the Elemenstor Saga is as much fiction to the Observer as it is to us. Perhaps he is reading Book 3 to another person, or reciting it from memory. Versions of theories 1 and 3 above can be constructed along these lines.

See Fictional Author Theory.

The Observer doesn’t exist

Most proponents of this (much less popular) theory suggest that the Observer is simply a metaphor for the reader or author, and does not exist, even fictionally. This theory is so thoroughly explicated in Refractions in the Scattered Light of Metallic Rainbows; A Retrospective Look at the Artistic Undercurrents of Tycho Brahe’s Elemenstor Saga and Their Interplay with New Criticism, Marxist Theory, and the Emergent Domain of Contemporary Virtue Ethics and Platonic Character Actualization; Or, How I Learned to Ride Dragons that there is little point in duplicating it here.

What about the rest of The Elemenstor Cycle?

It is a popular deduction that the entire book series was written from the first person perspective of the Observer. This is actually an extremely

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handy assumption from a continuity standpoint - again, see Fictional Author Theory.

The Anti-Climax of Northeast-ern Crestplains

In Book 3 of Tycho Brahe’s ‘Elemenstor Cycle’ we are treated to an intriguing sub-plot that loosely associates with the activities of a rebellious turkey in the Crestplains. The journey of the turkey to the other end of the yard and back again, then back again, then back again, is a perfect example of Brahe “in his element” according to literary critic Charlton C. Mayze. The Anti-Climax of Northeastern Crestplains brings this sub-plot to its end in a way that has left many readers, particularly those not familiar with the ELotH:TES universe, puzzled. The simultaneous and seemingly coincidental appearance of Nepanor the Nonchalant and The Daunting Turban takes place in the middle of a sentence following one of Brahe’s famous reinventions of punctuation and grammar. The Daunting Turban leaves the rebellious turkey in a “state of elemenstral discouragement” after which Brahe devotes sixteen pages to Nepanor’s collapse and subsequent asphyxiation underneath the Turban.

Antior

The name given to twelve realms region by later historians. The word is derived from the Vampyre dialect of Bargon IV from a word meaning “not Portund or the south.”

Apostrophine

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Apostrophine is a legendary semi-precious ore mined from the depths below G’nth’l, greatest of the Ap’str’ph’ Mountains. It was used in the creation of R’ll’b’gsw’d and K’x’k’xiqlt The Difficult to Pronounce, two of the 100 Swords of Sepathok. The metal smelted from the ore is largely misunderstood and misused, and has lead to fevered disputes the world over.

Arcadus

A Magistrate Prophet Neighsayer who appears in Book 3. Some say that a curse spoken by Arcadus is the origins of the name of the webcomic Penny-Arcade.

The Arcane Elvin Language

The oldest of languages of the Elves, spoken and understood by all the true members of that noble race, even though none still speak it as their mother tongue. Also referred to as the arcane elven language, the arcane elfin language, the arcane elfen language, and in the arcane language of the elves, Flannt’l-wyrre.

Arcane Northern Realms

Emmerging in about year 3,002 (TMSK) rising from the ruins of farthest norther regions of The Land of Thrown Fish, the area that came to be known as the Arcane Northern Realms has been the site of tribal infighting and barbaric turmoil for generation upon generation. Situated to the north of the chaotic Lands of Va, ancient bloodlines

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crossed swords during a period rife with bloody conflict, mostly concerning primacy of said bloodlines. On rare occasions, these so-called primitive arseholders would go on adventures, but usually find nothing but their own deaths, such as during the Great Battle of Great Unificationess when an entire tribe of Skarhs were consumed by the armies of the Rhaja Lord. Mostly isolationish, events in the realm were drawn into affairs affecting all of Battal during the seventeen final battles in the Battle of The Very, Very, Very, Very Arcane Northern Realms. In a single evening the struggles of 20,400 years came to naught as the population of the Arcane Northern Realms was finally wiped out. Not with a whimper, but with the explosive self-immolation of a Dark Elemenstrix.

Archibald Almalastor

Archibald Almalastor was one of the greater Elemenstors of his day. He was a heavy practictioner of the Earth parts of High Elemenstation and thus had a very strong knowledge of geology, geography and things of that nature.

One day, while at his research cabin on the Effervescent Lake, he was visted by the mysterious Dark Master, who introduces himself as Alfred. After a long and fairly uninteresting conversation about ferns, mentioned that nobody really understood the bond that Unsunderer, Harbinger Portent, used to bind The Shield and The Sickle together. Archibald, always one for overly-complicated and obsessive research, quickly started to look into this bond, watched over and urged on by the occasional visit by the Dark Master himself, who also had questions about ferns whenever he appeared.

After years of research, Archibald managed to discover exactly how the bond was put together, much to his pleasure. He did not even think twice in telling this to the Dark Master who, for his own mysterious reason, told the followers of Char Reyarteb about Archi-bald’s studies. Quickly seeing evil possibilities in this research, they attacked and killed Archibald, siezing his incredibly detailed research

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notes, and enacted The Resundering, splitting The Shield and The Sickle once again. Although a tremendous amount of energy was unleashed, the power of the original sundering could not be matched. The Sickle was torn from The Shield, and the two were seperated by only a few clospecsci-ons. Unforunately, this event of geologic significance left most of the lands very unstable, and this is considered to be the cause of the earthquake of 26,780. Archibald’s research on the geographic and geologic history of Battal through its various eras produced some of the finest maps of any period. It is the set of Almalastor Maps that are reproduced in Battal: Zynthar’s Guide to Traversing and Spelunking Regions A-Z, which are considered the definative Battal maps.

Archimedes Breakwind

One of the four characters from the Wizbit coloring book. Based on extremely loosely Myrtle Breakwind, opting for a change of gender. Familiar: Min the Lesser Wizard.

Archmagi of Eldersbane

An order of magi who live in the Eldersbane of myth and legend. Due to the perilous living conditions in Eldersbane, by the time the flying castle makes a definative re-emergence in Battal there is only one Archmage remaining. Events surrounding the reappearance of Eldersbane and The Archmage are chronicled in Book 8.

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Ark Riven

A 13-yr-old boy from Valedaleglenhill and, incidentally, one of the children of Valedaleglenhill. His parents were both killed at the site of the new well when Yamshothog emmerged.

Arkazanthal

Arkazanthal is a powerful Ice Elemenstor known for his penchant for wearing plaid and for his weapon, the famed Ax of Alternate Spelling. He is of average height and build, with curly blond hair, freckles, and glasses. He’s generally rather cheerful and energetic. He was born in Hambitshire to a lowly peasant and his lowly peasant wife. Arkazanthal would have been satisfied with this life had Zuumont and Ekezenthal not passed through on a quest to find the Blossomwand. Arkazanthal was smitten with the pretty red-headed Elemenstor and requested that the two take him with them. Ekezenthal began teaching him the ways of Ice Elemenstation, but when it became clear that his talent surpassed her own she refused to continue the lessons. Arkazanthal was crushed, as he really only wanted lessons in order to be with her. He discussed his problems with Amberberry, who told him that the only way Ekezenthal would recognize him as her true love was if the Blossomwand was sundered. Arkazanthal thus snuck the wand away to Amberberry while Zuumont and Ekezenthal were sleeping. With the Blossomwand broken, Ekezenthal realized her love for Arkazanthal and the two were wed in the most romantic scene in the entire series. At some point it is known that Arkazanthal becomes rather finacially

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prosperious and builds a sizable home on the outskirts of Hambitshire, where he begins a tradition of lavish Welcome Day costume balls.

Arkleaf

A sizable forest dwelling settlement in the Arkenvale of northern Mandleclang. Arkleaf split itself into The Four Factions to preserve itself during The Savage Brutality Of The War Men and the Siege of Arkleaf. Phyllana the High Priestess of Arkleaf called this settlement home.

Arvalyyon

A mysterious kingdom during the era of The Resundering. Home kingdom of the titular Glaivemistress of Book 13. She refers to it as a place untouched by war, famine, or strife. This must have been true because the delicate gleaming crystal armor of the Glaivemistress could have only been crafted by a kingdom with only a secondhand knowledge of war craft.

Asana Millytopthought

One of the central characters from Book 8 of Tycho Brahe’s Elemen-stor Cycle.

Atlantistantinople

Consinsting of most of the eastern region of Battal, including southern Terle, this ancient and mysterious kingdom was said to be

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greatly powerful and muchly advanced, with wise kings, powerful item guilds, and near limitless wealth. Little is truly known about the kingdom since few relics exist from this era, and almost no written record. During this early time, the level of the eastern sea known as the Ennumerable Sea was much lower. As a result the eastern lands of Battal were much greater than they are today. It is estimated that Battal itself was perhaps 1/3 larger than it is today, and the Sickle was merely a high plateau in these lands.

Availability

Availability of the series is rather variable, print runs varied consid-erably based on the sales of the previous book. Most of the titles are available used from book stores or online sites. The later titles are still available new from book stores. Prices vary considerably depending on binding, age and wear.

Published works and availability

Book 1: The Fires of Mount Win-dice (Colloquially, A New Fran-chise)

Book 1 Generally available in paperback, the sales of the first book were good and several print runs were made. Particularly of interest is the first hard back print run, which has a

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small beetle shaped object on page 143. Although initally thought to be a printing error, this was later found to be deliberately placed there by the author. Unfortunately this was only realized after the majority of the print run had been pulped. Copies of this print run are now collectors editions and can go for considerable amounts of money. See also the notes (Book 1) about changes that were made to the edition that was released after the release of Book 13. Substantial changes were made to the content and these later copies are generally sold at a discount against earlier copies which are considered to be more authentic by collectors. Top ----

Book 2: Dawn of the Dark Shad-ows (Colloquially, The Elemen-stors Strike Back)

Book 2 This book was actually printed after Book 3 and both hard back and paper back print runs were large thanks to pent up demand for the details that were previously unavailable. Top ----

Book 3: The Rubion Sword

Book 3 Released in 1997. Originally only 950 copies of this book were printed in hard back, due to a misplaced decimal point, so hard back copies are rare and expensive. The paperback run on the other hand was large, so copies are widely available.

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Note the extensive appendices which cover the story contained in Book 2, which was of course published after this title. Top ----

Book 4: Curse of the Doombane

Book 4 Critically unsucessful, relatively few copies were ordered by book shops.

Copies of this book can still be found for somewhat inflated prices at most used book retailers and are a must have for most ELotH:TES fans. see Book 4

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Book 5: The Underpants of the Underdeep

Book 5 Perhaps one of the best selling titles in the series, reaching number 48 on the NYT best sellers list. Widely available in both paperback and hardback, prices are relatively low. Top ----

Book 6: Nightstand|Nightstand’s Peril

Book 6 Widely available, but look out for poor glue bindings in some paperback copies.

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Top ----

Book 7: The Trial at Elddim’s Peak

Book 7 Thanks to the printer’s error (see Book 7), this book experienced considerable success with buyers in chain book stores looking for a new fantasy series although a number of copies were destroyed. Original copies of the first printing, complete with the “chicken and egg” cover are now quite valuable. Top ----

Book 8: The Archmagi of Elders-bane

Book 8 Released in 1999. Generally available, but as with book 6 look out for poor glue and shoddy printing on some copies. Top ----

Book 9: Rise of the Rhjajyept

Book 9 Released in 1999. Relatively few hard back copies were printed after advanced reader copies were circulated to buyers, the results of which were not positive, however a second paper back print run was ordered after sales proved higher than expected. Relatively widely available in paperback, but not in hard back. Top ----

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Book 10: The Hierarch Wars Begin (Colloquially, Elemenstors Gone Wild, Vol. I)

Book 10 Available in hard back only as part of a trilogy in leather binding with gold trim. Expensive and difficult to find. Released in 2001 The paperback copies are more readily available. Noted for being the first of the series available as an ebook. However excessively restrictive rights management including the requirement to submit DNA prior to purchase led to slow sales in electronic form. Top ----

Book 11: The Hierarch Wars Con-tinue (Colloquially, Elemenstors Gone Wild, Vol. II)

Book 11 Available in hard back only as part of a trilogy in leather binding with gold trim. Expensive and difficult to find. Released in 2001 Reasonably available in paperback Top ----

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Book 12: End of the Hierarch Wars (Colloquially, Elemenstors: Spring Break ‘2,167) *

Book 12 Available in hard back only as part of a trilogy in leather binding with gold trim. Expensive and difficult to find. Released in 2001 Widely available in book stores in paper back. Top ----

Book 13: Glaivemistress(es) of Ar-valyyon (Colloquially, Was He Drunk Or What?)

Book 13 Released in 2002 Book 13 probably sold fewer copies than any other after a limited print run and a release limited to specialized outlets. While the cover of the first edition says “Glaivemistress,” later editions pluralize the title (Glaivemistresses), in accordance with Brahe’s original manuscript, despite the fact that the book only contains one Glaivemistress. Some copies are still available. Top ---- Top

is one of the most famous of Sw’ftfl’woots in Sw’ftfl’wootian literature. It was he who supposedly smote down (with a single blow!) the dam which blocked the Sw’ftfl’w River during the Vampyric Wars. He supposedly then either ate the legendary sword, R’ll’b’gsw’d, and shot

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lightning from his nose, or threw it into the river, causing the waters to taste like plums for a month.

Many are the Sw’ftfl’wootian legends of B’llbr’dsk’. Here follow a few of them.

B’llbr’dsk’ hated Vampyres, and he was half-Vampyre himself! And he hated irony!

B’llbr’dsk’ is the father of every Sw’ftfl’wootian on the east shore!

He sweats mead! And his toenails are used as currency in Mandleclang!

B’llbr’dsk’ once inhaled a bat and sneezed out the pieces in the shape of little flowers!

He brushes his teeth with a falchion and rock salt.

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The legends vary similarly on the topic of how exactly he died, or if he ever even did. Some fans suspect that the ‘woots may have on occasion confused the identities of B’llbr’dsk’ and S’yrf’yl the Immortal. The actual events of the destruction of Lake Adhnaten are not directly described in The Twilight Vampyres, which immediately follows Vhadxi’s anger at the negligence of his troops with the celebration of the Sw’ftfl’woots and their exhortations of B’llbr’dsk’.

Bag of Tender Holding

“I’m scared, bag. Hold me. Hold me tight.”—Serafina Haberdasheron, Book 5: Underpants of the Underdeep

The Bag of Tender Holding appears to be a standard bag, but when one approaches it with problems, the bag will open itself emotionally, and will hold that person reassuringly until such time as they feel “all better.” Serafina Haberdasheron had a Bag of Tender Holding in Book 5, turning to it frequently, but the Bag was not even mentioned in Book 6, presumably as part of Mr. Brahe’s attempt to distance the two novels. There is an unsurprisingly large ammount of highly-inappropriate Serafina and Bag of Tender Holding Fan Art.

Bag of the Endless Void

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The Bag of the Endless Void was introduced in The Rubion Sword, where it was held by Bendloyer Felkin. It doesn’t hold anything (as Felkin explains, in a phrase that ended up on bumper stickers, T-shirts, and even cross-stitch patterns, “It’s already full of an Endless Void; I don’t think there’s room for my matches as well!”) Felkin loans the bag to Gavment Rayling about halfway through the book (on the theory that you never know when you’ll need an Endless Void), and the Bag of the Endless Void is then not men-tioned for several books, presumably because Brahe forgot about it. It’s next seen in The Hierarch Wars Begin, dangling from the belt of a tapdancing armoire. After the usual trials and tribulations, the Bag is lost forever . . . until The Glaivemistresses of Arvalyyon, when some scholars believe there is an attempt to describe the bag solely through an all-vowel tone poem. In Wizbits Elemenstor Battle: The CCG, the Bag of the Endless Void was printed as an Alpha Uncommon in the Tales of the Wang Mountains expansion, and then unprinted in Melodies and Rhapsody.

Baltor the Upright

Wasted Elemenstor and deadly assassin. see also : Killer Black

Banachronation

Banachronations are a class of Elemenstation that allow Chronosorcellors to send themselves backwards through the streams of time. Ba-nachronation is known for its vast potential power and its rigid consistency in failing to have any lasting consequence whatsoever.

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The reason for banachronations’ complete and total inconsequence is a matter of no small controversy. The prevailing theory, currently believed to have been proposed by Master Chronosorcellor Fyar Duliec (who may soon/already has usurp(ed) Yar the Sorcerial’s place as progenitor of timesorc’ley), states that a Chronosorcellor may only banachronate in order to attempt to nullify the affects of another Chronosorcellor’s banachronation. The second banachronating Sorcellor’s effects on the time stream entirely cancels out the effects of the first. Until recently, views were also divided on the source of the original banachronation, which, it was presumed, was performed without cancelling out the effect of another. This idea was largely disspelled when Fyar Duliec claimed that the Byar-Coynkadence conjecture was going to be proved true. Roughly, this conjecture postulated that there was never an original banachronation, and that all banachronations are in response to another banachronation. Presumably, series of banachronations form into ‘closed simply connected smooth manifold-countours’ in which each person in the loop nullifies the banachronation of the person next in the loop, who nullifies the next person’s effects, and so on and so forth until the ‘last’ person nullifies the banachronation of the ‘first’, thus com-pletely nullifying the effects of every banachronation within the loop. Much of this information is revealed in Book 11 when the Chronoclave, secretly spurred on by Fyar Duliec, detains Yar the Sorcerial (later retconned to be one of his Chronoclones). Banachronation was also a card in the Collectable Card Game.

The Baren Swamplands of Yore

The Baren Swamplands of Yore are home to the Pictoratice, a fierce beast of legend. The Swamplands are the only place where the treasured Flower of Eternal Slumber can be found. Once a great city called Yore during The Magic Sword Kings Period, it was a shining beacon of all that is mighty. Although, it’s inhabitants were not the most scholarly, the great city’s strength was known through-out the land.

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Some say that the Baren Swamplands of Yore was named after their original leader Baren Lothrin, others say that it was their lack of intelligence which lead to the misspelling of barren. The Baren Swamplands of Yore are situated on the southern portion of The Shield, In the olde region of Shadia.

Barven Valori

Furniliar that was Furnipated by Persephalous during Book 6. It was not until Barven’s death at the hands of Baltor the Upright (AKA Killer Black) during The Scolding of Persephalous that his secret was revealed. Persephalous had Furipated Barven so that they could be lovers without guilt. He still felt that guilt and had taken to putting love notes in Barven’s drawers, hoping to keep them hidden. When Baltor the Upright (AKA Killer Black) killed Barven, Persephalous’ notes flew out. Barven died looking into the face of his human lover, weeping inhuman tears.

Touching... but creepy.

Bathtub Furniliars

Generally considered a rarity if not outright mythological, Bathtub Furniliars did not play any known role in the history of Battal until around the time of the Hierarch Wars. For the most part, prior to the Hierarch Wars Bathtub Furniliars were mentioned almost exclusively in jest. This is because, as those few who actually had encountered a true

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Bathtub Furniliar could attest, Bathtub Furniliars always come across as mentally and emotionally unstable. This should not be taken to imply that they were considered dangerous like their Nightstand brethren; rather, those few Bathub Furniliars in existence clearly lacked some vital piece of sentience, as though the Stream Elemensta-tion and Transchanting used to animate them didn’t quite finish the Bathtub’s mind. The Elemenstor Cycle, Book 3 briefly introduces an unnamed and off-kilter Bathtub Furniliar, but it is not until Book 11 that the terrible truth regarding Bathtub Furniliars is uncovered by the Elemenstor Zuumont.

What Zuumont Learned Spoiler Warning

In Book 11, the Elemenstor Zuumont travels to Myrkmoom because he has been hearing unsettling rumors about the ultimate fate of some of his missing comrades; specifically, most of their bathtubs have gone missing as well. It is there that he encounters the Dark Elemenstrix Kapybara and her Dark Toilet Table Furniliars along with a confirmation of his worst fears—the presence of a large number of Bathtub Furniliars. Before the battle (which Zuumont barely survives) ensues, the canny Elemenstor manages to elicit a boastful monologue from Kapybara in which she reveals the ancient secrets of the Bathtub Furniliars. First, she explains that for some unfathomable ( or perhaps -Unspeakable- ) reason, Transchanting a Bathtub Furniliar always results in Furniliars that are deeply and irrepairably emotionally flawed. Each is flawed in its own unique way, depending upon what sort of abuses were heaped upon the tub prior to its Transchanting; some are frighteningly preoccupied with the various kinds of filth poured down their drains, others exhibit a disturbing capacity for voyeuristic perversions, still others express a vague and frightening desire simply to “be filled.” These flaws run so deep as to cripple the Bathtub Furniliars mentally as well as leave them with the emotional maturity of a small child.

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This oddity was noticed but considered innocuous by Elemenstors for millenia. What went unnoticed—as much by the Bathtub Furniliars themselves as by the Elemenstors who created them—was that Transchanting a bathtub always resulted in the creation of a Free Furniliar. Whether this was a side-effect of the Furniliar’s diminished mental capacity or just another bizarre exception to the usual ruleset, Kapybara could not or would not say. What she would say was that, through careful and often personally degrading manipulation of their damaged emotions, Kapybara had won the devotion of every Bathtub Furniliar she could find. She had then instructed them to infiltrate the washrooms of her most powerful enemies and drown, crush, or outright swallow those who opposed her. In exchange for this service, she promised the Bathtub Furniliars unlimited indulgence in their various fetishes. Zuumont realized that, even though the Bathtub Furniliars were not Dark Furniliars in the truest sense, they had fallen under the influence of Carry and Dark Elemenstation despite the Stream that animated them. With much sadness in his heart for his lost friends and for the tragedy of the fallen Furniliars, Zuumont destroyed them and fled. Forever after, children across Battal expressed a healthy, measured, and rational fear that in the act of taking a bath, they might get sucked down the drain.

Other Appearances of Bathtub Furniliars

It is worth noting that a voyeuristic Bathtub Furniliar was the focus of the ElamenSTAR episode “A Hot Bath.” Although many of the canonical shortcomings were accurately depicted in this episode, purists complain at some length that this episode downplayed the deep tragedy of Bathtub Furniliars by oversimplifying their plight. The ending was considered particularly offensive when Zula “helped” the Furniliar by acknowledging its “crush” on her and explaining that while she couldn’t requite the Bathtub’s “love,” she would still like to be its friend.

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Battal

History of the Geography

The world in which the Elemenstor sagas take place. It was sundered into three parts (The Shield, The Sickle, and the Cataclysmic Bluont) by the Eldritch Rift during the conflict between Zonard, last of the line of the Magic Sword Kings, and Yar the Sorcerial. Battal was remade by the Unsunderer, Harbinger Portent, though he himself was struck down by his pupil, the malevolent Char Reyarteb during The Unsundering. The world slowly repaired itself during the Century of Fire, during which time Char unleashed his ferocious War Men to conquer the reformed world. The land was Sundered again due to the machinations of the Dark Master, but this time the sundering was not too terrible.

The Names of the Lands

The Lands of Battal and the land mass itself are referred to by many names throughout the saga. Different races and languages call it by different things, and over time new terms become fashionable as old terms fall away. The term Battal itself was widely used by the speakers of plaincommon as early as the year -31,348, where it was found written on many ancient monuments. The Elves call battal Shik’leSeal’d in their Arcane Elvin Language, the Dwarves call it Battaaalj, the War Men call it Hichoba (presumed to have its roots in the War Man concept of Hiki’Chognog’a’Hab’a). The Magic Sword Kings often called Battal The Lands, The Landworld and other land variations and conotations. Often in writings it is called The Old Place and All of Rounders Kingdoms (archaic). Additionally, some old writing still followed the traditions and referred to Battal as The Magic Sword Kingdom, even as a reference to Battal after the end of that period. Other names, such as The Shielded Country, Hopewell, World

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Country, Lands of Battle, The Greater Island, and curiously Bobadise, have enjoyed some level of common acceptance.

Kingdoms of Battal

The history of Battal is long, and many nations have risen and fallen. Below is the list as compiled by cartographic scholar Archibald Almalastor, which is considered to be quite good.

The First Battal

After the Darkstorm wracked the four vales and combined them into the existing world, the lands of Battal formed. Coming into the familiar shape the lands were divided into four regions that each had a correspondence with one of the vales in which the Hierarchs had existed for so long. The Four First Kingdoms

• Northern Vale in the north

• Lavatoria in the west

• Atlantistantinople in the east

• Broken Lands in the south

Battal of the Magic Sword Kings

This was the time of rise of the mighty Twelve Realms of Antior. In addition to these legendary realms, other kingdoms existed. The Kingdoms

• Mandleclang

• K’th’ith’h

• The Kingdom of Parsonya

• Shadia

• The Kingdom of Yymp

• Ithbarg II

• Ithbarg

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• The Enigmatic Land of Thrown Fish

• Blee

• Graha

• Kelembad

• The Vampyre Kingdom

• Portund

• Morlond’s Field

• Alfafanar

To Be Continued...

Maps

HERE is a Battal map from just before The Sundering. Not all location names are yet in place, due to the fact that this map is reconstructed from canonical maps which were in varied states of disarray when pieced together. I will fix this as I can, pulling from texts and other maps I can scrounge up on ebay. -ewige

HERE is a map of Battal post The Unsundering, which shows evidence of the sloppy work of Harbinger Portent in the formation of Mount Wor. Again, I’m still placing names.

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Battal as it appeared in textbooks after the Unsundering.

*バタル

Battal Adventures

Summary

Not actually fan-fiction, Battal Adventures is a “total conversion mod” (complete modification) for the computer role-playing game “Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind”, under development since 2002 by a group of dedicated fans. The goal of this ambitious project is to recreate the entire world of Battal as many as 13 times, each repre-senting the world at the end of each book. Players can travel through the ages using the power of timesorc’ley, and will visit familliar locations and meet all the main and many minor characters from the books, and enjoy loads of new fan-created content. A beta version released in July 2004 contained the city of Middleclang as it appears in Book 10, though most interiors are unfinished and

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there’s only a handful of Non-Player Characters. The current status of the project is unknown.

Timeline

Battal Adventures spans the entire Elemenstor Cycle.

Battle of Firthmore Loch

So, in the dim and silence they crept. Moonblades by their sides, flashing and gleaming in the starlight.

Thus begins the Battle of Firthmore Loch of the seventeen final battles that complete Book 12.

Battle of Foelttabeht

“O Wendy is all wet, poor basket”, Toobanor wailed, wringing his hands. ”Wendy’s seldom dry”, the mattress remarked. ”She draggled all her lacquer coating, coming through the lye!” Toobanor went on, ignoring the other furniliar. - Toobanor the Elemenstor and Louis the Mattress discuss the return of Wendy the Ornamental Basket from the Lye Pits of Foelttabeht. (The Elemenstor Cycle, Book 12 : End of the Hierarch Wars)

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“Awe, fie ‘gin e’we kin kell Char thoose teem,” muttered Guddboy obtundly, to no one in particular. Ron hushed his father as they stepped;;; out into the grey-blue predawn light, the sabulous soil crunching beneath their boots. In the distance;;;;; the turrical peaks of gangue rock demarcated the stronghold of Char Reyarteb. They picked their way through the tamarisk and down the trail to meet up with the others, and their ephemeral destiny. - The Elemenstor Cycle, Book 12 : End of the Hierarch Wars

The Epic battle in which the evil Char Reyarteb is finally defeated by Ronard the Medium. The battle is described in Book 12. It was in this final battle that the forces of good made their most final, climactic, and cataclysmic stand of their seventeen final, climactic, and cataclysmic stands against the forces of Char Reyarteb. During the epic struggle on the battlefield, the Elemenstors were fought to the point of exhaustion. Several characters beloved by readers are killed. Baroness Sekulantra plunges over a waterfall. Guddboy Lad is slain - but Ronard, son of the late Guddboy Lad and Sierra Vanity still remained to lead the forces of good onward and avenge his parents’ deaths. At the height of the battle, then, Ronard and Char Reyarteb met face to face on the scorched plains of destruction. Ronard was bested by Char Reyarteb, and it appeared all was lost. It was then, when Char Reyarteb was preparing to deliver the coup de grace on his all-but-defeated foe, that the Dragoon Knights of Wyvernclaw Mountain swooped down on the battlefield from out of the sun and saved Ronard, who then slayed Char Reyarteb in a moment of surprise. This thus ended Reyarteb’s bid to make it to the Chasm of Eternal Sorrow where he was planning on summoning his old ally MooMaa the Dyemon Ghost.

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After the battle, the Elemenstors swore that they could find no trace of Reyarteb’s spirit, so it was believed that he was finally truly defeated. This claim is dubious at best, as Reyarteb was known for his near-immortality. It’s more likely the Elemenstors just sort of gave up after trying for five minutes or so. Most of them were preoccupied with the aftermath of the battle (mourning and looting and such; mostly looting).

Battle of Mort

The Epic Wolf Men of Mount Wor gathered in a tight pack, spearmen bracing for the charge coming from overhead. As the Gorthmaugs circled ever closer, their chant descended with them: ”We’re the Gorthmaugs and we’re here to say That our wolf-man rivalry is here to stay And unless you bash us up but good You’ll wish you’d just been boys so good And kept out of our deadly lands We now proceed to eat your hands!” ”Omg, what is that?” Mordichai stammered, keeping his jingle close at hand. ”That is the ancient war-tongue of the Gorthmaugs—what they call the Phon’q,” said Silvermane said between grit teeth. “It means they are three steps ahead of us.” He raised his blade. “I can say only this: there’s going to be rotary tillers of Gorthmaugs coming this way.”

One of the major combats of Book 11. The grand combat between the Epic Wolf Men of Mount Wor and their rivals, the Gorthmaugs, to determine weather the Gorthmaugs would side with Char Reyarteb or the desparate Elemenstors out to defeat him. The brutal combat took up an entire chapter, with the tactical genius of the mighty tree-dwellers clashing with the off-the-cuff ingenuity and their compli-

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ment of Elemenstors. though they fought hard, the Wolf Men seemed destined for a loss. Then, to try and get his bravery up, Mordichai jingled his jingle, and found that the Gorthmaugs were beginning to make missteps. After measuring their beat, Mordichai countered it with one of his own, and soon their foes were rushing in a confused mass; disoriented, the Wolf Men easily sprung back and took the day. Out of respect for their bravery, brilliant catch-up, and an ancient oath, the Gorthmaugs joined the company in battle against the returning Char Reyarteb. Some have wondered why the battle between the two was called the Battle of Mort. In truth, Mort was the name of one of the Epic Wolf Men, and had his name drawn out of the helmet. Thus was the battle named in his honor, and because they didn’t have the standard prize for a Wolf Man post-battle drawing (a new hat). The Battle of Mort was continued in Book 12, as the Gorthmaugs storm the hordes of Lizardmen tearing up from the earth. The resulting combat was set to a beat so phon’q-laden it would be known forever as Phon’q Battle 23: Bring On The Noise, Bring On The Phon’q among the Gorthmaugs. In the text, it is stated that 3,895,074 Gorthmaugs were slaughtered in this battle.

The Battle of Splinters

A dark figure stood ominously before the band of Elemenstors. The figure shimmied right and left, an ambulator cupboard obviously, but one unknown to Talvin who stepped forward. It was not until a cloud of bat-mice suddenly burst forth from a top cabinet that his suspicions were confirmed. “Cubby?” He asked tentatively.

The fifth of the seventeen final battles that ended the Hierarch Wars.

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Noted for the resurrection of Cubby, and the fact that so many furniliars were destroyed that it was impossible to walk barefoot across the battlefield afterwards and not get a mean splinter in your foot. After their stinging defeat at the first of the final seventeen battles of the Hierarch Wars - the Battle of the Moonlit Banners - the forces of good had achieved one victory (the Battle of Mort), several indecisive showdowns, and one battle that nobody was even sure really happened (The Battle of The Six Undoings and Five Redoings). At the Battle of Splinters, though, another indisputable decisive victory was achieved by the forces of good...although obviously not decisive enough since 12 more final battles still remained to be fought. As usual, the battle went poorly for the forces of good at first, and it appeared that Char Reyarteb’s forces, led by the terrible Ambulatator, were going to break through the Elemenstor line. It was only through the desparate actions of a young upstart Elemenstor named Toran that victory was won. Somehow, Toran had managed to learn the ancient esoteric art of Re-furnilisation, which had been long sensoared by the High Elemenstation authorities, and in the desparation of the battle, decided he had nothing to lose by using it. He therefore resurrected the remains of Cubby the Cupboard, which he had acquired through a local antique dealer. Cubby, having been dormant for many years, was suffering from terrible re-furnilisation sickness upon being resurrected, and immediately went berzerk, attacking and destroying the first thing he saw. Luckily the first thing he saw was The Ambulatator. These actions later caused the Elemenstation authorities to reevaluate their stance on Re-furnilisation after the battle, and consequently approve it’s use under certain circumstances. How Toran actually came into possession of the remains of Cubby in the first place is not entirely clear, and a source of some debate. What we do know is that Cubby was destroyed in Book 6 saving Felthar and Serafina Haberdasheron from the terrible Nightstand unleashed by Gorg Stinkrot. After that, we know simply that Cubby’s remains were reconstituted by a carpenter at some point, and that he then ended up being purchased and sold amongst antique-collecting old people for many years before finally coming into the possession of Toran prior to the start of Book 12. Also See: List of Sensoared Spells and Gears

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Battle of the Moonlit Banners

High on the Galvords they rode, into the friscalating dawn

Thus begins the first of seventeen final battles that complete Book 12. Leading the charge was none other than Baltor the Upright (AKA Killer Black) he and a band of Wasted Elemenstors charged the High Elemen-stors and swiftly fought back the Chair Brigade. Though long, the battle was not without its heroes. Young Talvin Atwhistle and Cherum Ullali, both High Elemenstors, survived a vicious onslaught and slew Baltor the Upright, thereby forcing the remaining Wasted Elemenstors into a retreat. The following evening, there came a suprise attack and Cherum was killed. Talvin escaped. Both sides were left demoralized and nearly exhausted. In was in this surprise attack that Sierra Vanity was also killed, having been betrayed by several of her most trusted Elemenstors in a plot devised by the Dark Elemenstrix Kapybara. Ironically, Sierra Vanity’s death occured mere hours after she had learned of her true lineage. The fighting soon came to a swift stop at the intervention of Malthor Kratosia, who was believed dead.

Battle of Windfield Plains

Battle known for the number of Furniliars smashed to shards. This sets the stage for the Battle of Furniliar Shards, which was fought primarily with these shards. This battle and the Battle of Splinters saw the worst loses of Funiliars,

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and many beloved pieces were lost in this fights, including tragically Montgomery Sofa and Juliette Floor Lamp (the R2-D2 and C-3PO of the series) Fought on the flat windy fields of the Windfield Plains.

Battlestaff

A Battlestaff is described in Book 1 of The Elemenstor Cycle as being “...on the whole, 3 naughts in length, with a diameter of two knucklebones.” (Brahe;1 48) Composed of a material known as elendendium, which is nearly indestructible and is harvested from the Forests of Misery, these staffs, in theory, are used to channel eldritch forces and command the power of gods. In practice, however, they are used in a similar manner to any other quarterstaff—that is to say, for hitting small children and baby seals, as well as leaning upon and holding in powerful-looking poses. A compendium of famous battlestaff-related poses can be found in the second volume of Kinlo’s vastly underrated “Weapons and Tactics of the Cohoris.” The discipline of the battlestaff as a weapon was first codified by the Cohoris. It is considered unfortunate that “battlestaff” is also used as a mild pejorative within Alfafanar. Elemenstors have to recharge their battlestaffs daily. They don’t do it too much, as it can make you go blind. Upon reaching the rank of High Elemenstor, most upgrade their battlestaff to a Elemenstave.

Battlestaff-Related Poses

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Without the art of posing, a battlestaff is as simple as a staff. While the following poses are gleaned from a careful reading of the (vastly overrated) Weapons and Tactics of the Cohoris, they should not be taken alone as instruction through which the reader may safely proceed to battle.

• Pose Ha: With feet at shoulder’s width, place staff in right-handed mid-grip, and heft it towards the sky (or ceiling) at a thirty-degree angle. The left hand may be clenched or made into an easily reproduced wedge, as suits the situation.

• Pose Ke: Similar in execution to Pose Ha, with the addition of a left-handed ‘Demon’s Own Horns,’ pointing toward the ‘business’ end of the staff.

• Pose Oho: In truth a two-pose move, the wielder should follow a target-oriented spin of the staff with a turn into the opposing hand, leaving the battlestaff positioned behind the back, parallel to the ground (or floor).

• Pose Cha: Lift staff above head parallel to ground, gripping with both hands, shoulder-width apart. If desired, staff can be shaken vertically. Works best when standing atop tall rock formation with lightning in background.

• Pose Te: A pose of rest, announcement, or concentration, all of which are key in executing other poses. Clutch the top nob of the staff in your right hand, then lean on it, using the staff to support your weight.

The Bay of Cream

The Bay of Cream is a trading port that produces much of the wealth of The Sickle. It is at the mouth of both the Yellow River and the White River, as well as having the castle-city of Teisti. Whoever sits in the Throne of Cream is monarch of the entire region, leading to a compli-cated progression of intrigue-based musical chairs driven by Lord Hopebane during the Tides of Epic Conflict Saga.

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The Bay of Cream is also host to a group of Dolphinthropes that act as familiars for the users of Water Elemenstation by the time of The Resundering. It is discovered in Book 11 that the Bay is composed of the third form of elemental water: White Water.

BBBBandana, Apocalyptica

The BBBBandana, Apocalyptica is a most cursed headwear. Much like the not-to-be-confused-with AAAApocalyptic Bandana, the BBBBandana, Apocalyptica will lead its wearer to believe that they can see the future. In truth the wretched scalp cloth will only delude its donner with visions of failure. Those unlucky enough to have worn the BBBBandana, Apocalyptica report spirit crushing night-mares where they fail to attain their heart’s true desire by the slimmest of margins.

Origin

Legend holds that the BBBBandana, Apocalyptica was forged by Theoric the Eversnide for the Chronoclave’s holiday white elephant gift exchange.

References in the Saga

In Book 11 of The Elemenstor Saga there is a poster in Chronoclave headquarters displaying the BBBBandana, Apocalyptica that reads “An Example of Inappropriate White Elephant Gifts.”

Beef

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“This is the best I’ve ever eaten! Seriously, this gravy... to die for! And oh, are those WATER CHESTNUTS!? I LOVE water chestnuts!”

Gorg Stinkrot, Book 6: Nightstand’s Peril Beef is a staple food in Battal. Most of itcomes from the Quilp, as they slaughter plenty of cows and are forbidden to eat their meat; it is transported in Ice-enchanted wagons keeping the meat safe for consumption, another feather in the cap of Ice Elemenstors.

Bendloyer Felkin

Official Information

A bumbling Stream Elemenstor, about whom little canonical informa-tion exists. The known information covers the fact that he somehow came into possession of the Soul Prison of Xoxor Xxar, which is known to have passed from Zenethir Foulblade, to Orphenna Troughberry, and then to Bendloyer Felkin. At a rather awkward school function, Bendloyer drops the container, which he had been carrying throughout the story. The soul of Xoxor Xxar, once released, swiftly flies back to its sleeping body, entombed below Old Karpithon. It is here that Bendloyer passes out of canon.

Fan Fiction

The fan short story The Felkin Game attempts to justify Bend-loyer’s possession of the Soul Prison in a rather “unconventional” method. The story posits that Bendloyer started life as the young girl Orphenna Troughberry, who went through a bit of an identity crisis during the period after her father died. It is known from Book 2 that Orphenna takes the cracked and broken

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container from the cabin of Zenethir Foulblade. In the fan fiction, she and the mysterious vessal are frozen for several yearicles atop Mount Windice. The story then picks up just after she was discovered by a few hikers. After being revived, Orphanna surprisingly decides to have a sex change operation and finds her (his?) true self by enlisting in the Cerulean Citadel, training ground for budding Elemenstors under the name Bendloyer Felkin. The lack of any further epic contributions by Bendloyer in Book 3 is justified as, regrettably, being similar to the fate of many a child star. According to the story, his final 15 minutes come in Book 3, where he gives council to Gavment Rayling and introduces the much-beloved poem The Bravery of the Doomed. It is possible that the anonymous bard in Book 3 was Bendloyer as this is one of the least far fetched of the theories put forth by The Felkin Game. Further “proof” is offered by the author of this work, pointing out that in the Wizbits Elemenstor Battle CCG: the set which contains the Bendloyer Felkin (Card) and the Dark Doomblade (Card) also contains a Sex Change (Card).

Bertus Tanklebing

Professor at the Institute Of Accoutermentia. He taught Serafina Haber-dasheron and Felthar. As a joke he told Felthar that Serafina’s favorite pie filling was Toadvomit.

Bibee

“Look at yourself, Tribbit! Gaze inward and for just a moment try to see yourself the way the world sees you; the way I see you. You are a useless, pathetic parcel of

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saggy flesh and brittle bone. You’re nothing but a filthy Mucksucker, and not a very good one at that.” -Bibee the Pixlie to Horatio in Tycho Brahe’s Elementsor Cycle Book 1: The Fires of Mount Windice (TFMW)

Rickett’s and Toby’s Guide (Volume 11) describes the personality of Pixlie’s as “lively, energetic, good-natured, mischevious and extremely annoying”. It’s safe to say however, that R&T were not describing Bibee. Though it’s never quite explained in TFMW just how long Bibee was trapped beneath the posterior Wargnle plate of Duke Alfamarma, it has been estimated to be somewhere between 100 and 5000 years. Regardless of the duration, the time spent trapped inside the plate, encompassed in a putrid mix of congealed Dooblegnard sweat and the mud-caked algae of The Dank would be enough to drive any creature to the brink of insanity. By the time she was freed from her gelatinous prison by the unsuspecting Mucksucker Horatio, Bibee’s mind was a twisted portrait of rage and despair.

“FREE! Free am I from the vile, the putrid, the wretched stink of the beast’s folds! No longer sleeping in a filthy bed of oozing refuse; no longer waking to the sounds of my own vomiting! And to whom do I owe the favor of my freedom... A whelp of a Tribbit. I wonder if perhaps I can still fit beneath the scale...” -Bibee, upon being freed by Horatio

Black Flame

One of The Eight Elemental Constructs introduced in the last three books of the series, Black Flame is not introduced until Book 11. Many speculate that the character was an ill-advised and poorly-implemented attempt to simultaneously increase the appeal of the series among African Americans and homosexuals.

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Black Flame is given only a minor role and then extinguished by the quickly discovered “new element” of White Water. This “new” element supposedly completes the trifecta of “water-ice-something else” proposed by Gordel, High Elemenstor of Elementics. The character was criticized by the NAACP, Human Rights Cam-paign and countless others. The introduction of Black Flame is broadly considered one of the lowest points of the series, a tragic combination of total ineptitude and unscrupulousness on the part of the publisher and author(s?). Kinloboy advocates of the Single Author Theory suggest that the character was deployed ironically by Brahe as an ad absurdum reduction of marching orders he was recieving from Multigame Corp, which was also attempting to re-invigorate sales of Realmworlds Delicous Freezees. To them, Brahe was implying that superficial and manipulative attempts at inclusiveness as part of a marketing program necessarily insult those to whom they supposedly appeal. Most think this is too convoluted an explanation for something that just sucks. Tragically notable quote:

Whazzup? I can’t cool down the fire of my desire. Can’t a brutha get some luv? ~ Black Flame in Book 11

Blee

Blee is one of the twelve realms of The Magic Sword Kings Period. Since its destruction in 1003, it is also called the Ruins of Blee.

History

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Blee was destroyed during the Vampyric Wars in year 1003, when the kingdom’s capital was thoroughly sacked, and all buildings razed. The tales of Blee’s final days are detailed in the novella The Last Days of Blee. This includes the story of the last desperate attempt by the kingdoms of Kelembad, Graha, Mandleclang, and Blee to unite to meet the Vampyric threat. Also told is the tale of a spunky Tribbit named Goldimaris who lived on the streets of the capital city and gave hope to the palace guards by bringing wreaths of Raggamuni Flowers and ripe red Pearcicles. Who can forget the tragic ending when she sacrifices herself in a futile final attempt to save the last free pallisade?

Geography

Along the western border of Blee are the Wang Mountains, the tallest peak of which is Mt. Wang. Blee has a long coast line to the east along the Ennumerable Sea and Blee’s ports made the nation rich from trade in salt and natron. Central Blee is dominated by the Grasslands of Blee where the wild Eops roam. It should be noted that although Mt. Wang was technically part of the Wang Mountains of Blee, the Wang Kingdom was not officially part of the Twelve Realms, but rather a separatist cult. In southern Blee there once stood a gigantic statue known in all the lands as The Giant of Blee. Now all that remains in the base of the statue, and the left leg. Still, the remaining piece of the monument is twenty stories tall, and the highest point in the area.

Places

• Flongstake

• Grinswood Lake

Notable Figures

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• Fantasmaphila

• Goldimaris

• Captain Archstone

Blood

The Blood discipline of Dark Elemenstation is by far the most common of the Three Evils, mainly because it requires little practice and even less mastery of an otherwise extremely tricky practice. A Blood-type Dark Elemenstor is a valuable asset to any Trinity of Un-Light, as his ability to raise the dead and control the living can give evil a potent edge. That this power is counterbalanced by constant nosebleeds and immense flatulence is considered by most Blood Elemenstors to be “a small price to pay”. Blood Elemenstation is the source to most forms of undead and infurnal magic. Most Death elemenstors that animate the dead are actually relying on a hybridization of Blood and Death elemenstation. Also, some elemenstors believe that a Nightstand furniliar requires some minimal mastery of Blood elemenstation to animate, and as such are quite suspicious of claims where such a monster is created “accidentally”. Because of such multidisciplinary approaches, the number of Blood elemenstors is underreported. Blood Elemenstation is only minimally useful on it’s own, and is generally used in tandem with one of the four secondary Elements for the creation of abomina-tions. On its own, the primary use of Blood is in mind control of both living and animated beings. In the CCG, this ability is reflected in the Black Blood ability, which forces an opponent to return his strongest card to his deck. Of course, the cost of fourteen Secession points makes this ability almost prohibitively expensive, and is eschewed by more experienced players. note: not to confused with blood (biological element)

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Blossomwand

Not a true magic Wand, but rather an enchanted conductors baton. The Blossomwand had the ability to magically lift items at which it was pointed, but also had an enchantment that the person who first used it would be unable to develop strong emotional attachment. When the Blossomwand was destroyed, the effects of its enchant-ment were dispelled.

Bodice Bane

Introduced in Book 8. The ship of rogueish, ebony-eyed pirate Manwich St Meatily. The setting for numerous twilight adventures.

Bom

The end table furniliar of Sotar Olderndirt. He accompanied Sotar to Wang’s Peak and aided him in his struggle against the War Men in Book 4. After Sotar’s unforunate death, Bom was ultimately sold off and refinished after wandering into an auction house, ending the enchantment that gave him life.

Review of ‘The Elemenstor Cycle, Book 3: The Rubion Sword’ by Charlton C. Mayze

With The Elemenstor Cycle, Book 3: The Rubion Sword, the

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eccentric Tycho Brahe takes fantasy literature to what can only be called a new level. Undaunted by what he calls the “artificial establishment” of chronology and logic, he challenges both the conventions of the genre and the mental and physical endurance of the reader. In this light, comparing The Rubion Sword to any other work of literature is nearly impossible. I was left wondering if a literary critic such as myself is at all equipped to analyze a book like this. Perhaps the task should have been assigned to a psychiatrist or

(SNIP. Mayze rambles on about irrelevant stuff for the rest of the paragraph, so I just omitted it.)

Throughout the book, Brahe demonstrates an uncanny ability to draw the reader into the tedium and despair of his characters. A thirteen-page account of a turkey milling about in the yard, followed by a sixteen-page suffocation scene, is a perfect example of the author in his element. The book also features a generous amount of Brahe’s colorful poetry, including a poem called ‘The Bravery of the Doomed’ which, read in its entirety, is enough to drive anyone into a state of hysteria.

(SNIP. More rambling.)

Admittedly, The Rubion Sword leaves a lasting impres-sion. I’ll go as far as to call it an unforgettable read. Like so many unwanted memories, The Rubion Sword stays with you forever.

This somewhat controversial review is very long and contains a lot of irrelevant rambling about things the critic does not seem to under-

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stand very well. I only included the parts that are either commonly quoted or of general interest. -Belda

Borold Gravelsnot III

Borold Gravelsnot III is best known for his surprise appearance in Book 6 which fans enjoyed. Nobody knew about it beforehand, and many remarked it was the first time in years that they viewed the book series with anything other than jaded disapproval. His appear-ance in Book 6 was, in fact, decidedly brief. A few fans believe Tycho Brahe simply ran out of character names, as Borold’s actions seem entirely out of character.

ELotH:TES Canon

Borold Gravelsnot III is introduced in Book 5, and makes an appearance in Book 6.

Brahe-prime

Brahe-prime is a term used by Elemenstor fans to sometimes denote Tycho Brahe proper, and not the alleged conglomerate of

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authors who would pen works under his name. It was first coined in Elemenstor Conspiracy Digest #14, October 1999.

Brahe Code

Brahe Code is a idea saying that our favorite autor, Tycho Brahe, encoded among his works secrets of the existence, discoverable through anagramation: Epic Legend of The Hierarchs can be changed into “She Agreed: Cliche Fetish Porn”. Tycho Wang Brahe - Anyhow Brag Tech James Langomedes - Glossed Enema Jam Harbinger Portent - Bar®en Report Thing Char Reyarteb - Artery Breach (though people say there is much more meaning in this name) When we do it with other excerpts with, say, Parable of the Swimming Rabbit, we can realise that there is more to it than meets the eye: ”You ought to learn from the rabbit, Rosinquist.” - “Largemouth, not for you quotient shit ribs bar!” - Which clearly encourages us to talking. ”This Is Not the Staff of the High Augur” - aforethoughts sustain fifth height.

Brezgar Two-Eye

“Brezgar grunted abruptly in his guttural tongue. In a split second, a host of his barbaric kin had joined him on the ridge. Gazing down at the sleepy hamlet before him, Brezgar threw his head back and triumphantly ululated. It was a howl to chill a brave man’s blood, to sour milk still in the cow’s teat. The howl was a portent of dark times indeed for Lower Lufton.” - The

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Hierarch Wars Continue, Page 46

Grand Slaughterprince of the War Men during the events portrayed in the Hierarch Wars trilogy, Brezgar was cursed from birth with strikingly handsome, clean-cut looks. While his brethren of the Savage Barrenlands proudly displayed their deformities, scars and hirstuteness, he was mocked and shunned. Wearing an eye-patch to give the impression of a battle wound, he was unable to remember which eye he normally covered. This led to his mocking nickname ‘Two-Eye’.

Brezgar reacted to the taunts by becoming one of the most brutal War Men of all time. Disposing of his rivals in the time-honoured tradition of challenging them in the Offal Arena, he rose to become Grand Slaughterprince. Many were the epic trials and travails he posed for the heroic Elemenstors! The most notorious act that Brezgar committed was to capture and kill the PlantShaman Amberberry at the culmination of the Hierarch Wars - indeed, at the very moment of the heroes’ triumph. Elemen-stor Zuumont - burning with his unrequited love for Amberberry - swore an epic oath of Blood Vengeance upon Two-Eye. However, he was then talked out of it by his Furniliar Knobble. Sadly for fans of the books hoping to see Brezgar’s undoing, the 13th book Glaivemistresses of Arvalyyon did not feature the character. His further depredations have never been chronicled... who knows when Two-Eye will strike again?

Bright Moons

The Bright Moons are two of the three moons that orbit Battal. The third moon is known as the Hidden Moon. The Bright Moons are so close to each other in their orbit so as to seem connected. They work against the Hidden Moon, draining away at all of the Unlight shining in the night sky. Legend tells that the Bright Moons may in fact be the testicles of Ulythyan, one of the great Hierarchs, placed there to light the dark ages of The Hierarchy.

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Bureau-crat

Though the Transchanting of Furniliars is generally overseen by the High Elemenstors of a region, most countries set up a Department of Active Furnishings to track the number and types of ambulatory appointments that reside locally. Those who work for these agencies are teasingly called Bureau-crats.

The C’nf’s’ng (sin FOO sing) Trade Dispute was an apparently complex and multifaceted diplomatic arguement between Lord B’gh’d of K’th’ith’h and the Vampyre lord Vhadxi, which occurred in total secrecy from the other nations of the Twelve Realms. In the year 799 the two rulers arranged a clandestine meeting to discuss, among other things, control of the Apostrophine Mines located close to the K’th’ith’h border and Eyuda tarrifs. While what other issues arose during the meeting are unknown, the narrative dialogue of the meeting (placed in Appendix B of Book 8 of the Cycle) seems to suggest an awkward personal and perhaps even physical relationship between Lord B’gh’d and Vhadxi. The meeting begins with the two exchanging in a staring contest which the author hints could have lasted several minutes, before leading into a short commentary wherein Lord B’gh’d admires the length of Vhadxi’s cape. Although some readers interpreted this as a sexual innuendo, the scene abruptly ends without any sort of conclusion. It has also been hinted at that the Dispute was an indirect catalyst of the Vampyric Wars, raising further speculation about the true nature of the incident. Another telling of the C’nf’s’ng Trade Dispute of 799 speaks of a trade agreement between Lord B’gh’d of K’th’ith’h and Vhadxi, the Vampyre Lord, in which it was agreed, due to Vhadxi’s misunder-standing, that the Vampyres would be allowed to habitate the mines beneath G’nth’l, in exchange for exclusive distribution rights to Vampyric Freezees in the Twelve Realms. It was during B’gh’d’s flight from the Vampyre’s understandable wrath at being short-changed that the weapon R’ll’b’gsw’d fell into the Sw’ftfl’w River and slipped out of history for a time.

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Captain Tev

As a young lieutenant, Tev Longstare was a minor but heroic character first introduced in Book 3, having participated in at least part of the Rubion Sword incident of that book. At the end of his tale there is is promoted to captain and told that he will be recieving a very special mission. His tale in that book ends there, with the leader left to assume that he embarked on many successful adventures for which he was richly rewarded. We do not see or hear of Captain Tev’s exploits again until Book 8, when young Asana Millytopthought hears tales of the exploits of the Captain told by some sailors congregated outside the Salty Lick tavern. In Chapter 17 of Book 8, Tev appears in actual fact. Now an old man, but strangely not nearly as old as he should be given the time between the books. Time moves more slowly for him, perhaps because of his location, or perhaps because of the items of great power which he had in his posession. See: Captain Tev’s lost expedition

The young Lieutenant Tev Longstare was a hero in the Rubion Sword incident. So he was promoted to Captain and sent to seek the Legendary Four Plaster Shards that could restore the ravaged lands of Ezermethalon. Sadly, he and his expedition went lost, and were found 60 years later, living in the Lost Lands of Tevania. Originally named the not-so-lost-as-relatively-unknown lands of Vatar, Tev and his men renamed and ruled this land with epic justice, when they found themselves stranded on it, without any way out. When found by Asana Millytopthought during the events of Book 8, an old, dying Tev redeemed himself by giving her two of the four Legendary Plaster Shards. He died having (partially) fulfilled his mission. His funeral was sparsely attended, but classy. Good words were spoken of him.

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Cataclysmic Bluont

The most Cataclysmic of all Bluonts old and new, and the only Bluont which has ever been invisible, the Cataclysmic Bluont was the most epic of the three sections (the other two being The Shield and The Sickle) that the world was broken into by the Eldritch Rift in 10,345. Epic only begins to describe how epic this worldpiece is, but surely the proper amount of imagination can be applied to properly gauge its epic-ness. Harbinger Portent, not knowing of the Cataclysmic Bluont, did not use his amazing power to rejoin it when he rejoined the other two pieces of the world. Being secret, where it is and how to get there is, as of yet, unrevealed, although its existance was mentioned during Book 8 of The Elemenstor Cycle. Without revealing the direct means of transportation, Enseven Illibar managed to leave the Bluont. Through him we get our first real glimpses of the Willestrian society that exists beyond the Rift. The information is very limited, addressing almost exclusively the Vermillion Forum Culvert, its resident Chaotician Gemmerach-dancers, and the mysterious artifact Gemmerach Prime.

Century of Fire

Another name for the period known as The Savage Brutality Of The War Men. During this century, the forces unleashed by Harbinger Portent slowly mended the sundered Battal. Molten rock was the primary method by which this was achieved, much to the dismay of those in the path of the mending. It was a time of great geologic, social, and political upheaval. Besides the obvious unrest caused when half of one’s subjects are incinerated

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by molten rock, Char Reyarteb, his will subverted to the Starborn Gem, chose this time to begin his plans to conquer the reformed Battal by raising an army of vicious War Men. Many civilizations were hope-lessly leveled, like the Arkleaf during the famous Siege of Arkleaf. Most of the canonical information about this time is either men-tioned in passing in The Elemenstor Cycle or can be gleaned from the Collide: The Vision expansion to the Wizbits Elemenstor Battle CCG. From these sketchy sources we know that the War Men perpetuated horrible forms of murder and torture, and were exceptionally fond of hacking the legs of foes off at the kneecaps. More chilling was the brief appearance of War Men Elemenstors, empowered by Char Reyarteb to further his goals. The first attempt to raise a War Man to the level of High Elemenstor resulted in the heads of all known War Men Elemenstors simultane-ously exploding. If any further attempts were made, there are no canonical references to them.

The Chair Brigade

Nobody expects the Chair Brigade! Their chief weapon is suprise. Surprise and doorstops. Their chief weapons are surprise and doorstops. And termites. Their three chief weapons are suprise, termites, doorstops, and stools. Four. Four chief weapons. Among their chief weapons, the Chair Brigade employs surprise, termites, doorstops, and stools.

The Chair Brigade are a vicious but rather innefective Ezermethalonian Gestapo of sorts, and their chief trimph was briefly kidnapping Serafina Haberdasheron (taking her by surprise) and giving her rather awful scuffmarks using doorstops and unfinished wooden stools. Finally, they unleashed termites upon her. This proved to be their undoing as the termites quickly freed Serafina from her restraints and allowed her to escape, only after she viciously sat upon a number of the Chair Brigade’s footstoolsoldiers.

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The Chair Brigade was founded and controlled by Gorg Stinkrot, who manipulated its members for his own evil porpoises. Its chief is Stoutback, whose second in command is Straightleg and whose third in command is Persephalous

ELotH:TES Canon

The Chair Brigade was introduced in Book 6.

Char Reyarteb

The infamous immortal mage who easily took hold of the world—under the dominion of the Starborn Gem.

Early Days

Born in the year 15,670 under the name of Petago Kerrik, he who would be later known and feared as the most powerful mage in the universe showed great promise in the mystic force of what would later be known as Elemenstation. Because of it, the Kerrik family feared their son greatly, and thus abused him horribly. Yet, the Kerriks, by some strange reasons, never came close to killing their own son.

Beginnings and Ends

When Kerrik reached the age of thirteen, he escaped from his hell of a home, and lived in the streets of the desert oasis-town, Unothath. Forced to steal food to survive, one day his theft was discovered by the vengeful Dragonapple stallsman Gormeo Capugue. Fearing for his safety, Kerrik fled to a small sanctuary of the Chambre Pacificum, seeking refuge. Unfortunately, the priest there, Father Sancturion, tossed the boy aside like a common criminal. Before revenge could be exacted by the angry teenager, a mysterious wizened old man stopped Petago, and for good reason. The man was none other than

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the finder of the Starborn Gem, the great Harbinger Portent, who thought he saw some glimmer of Kerrik’s lost skill. Portent pro-claimed (with little ceremony) Kerrik his very first student of High Elemenstation. Soon after that Kerrik met a girl named Nallah, and Petago’s life became a blur of days spent learning from the Harbin-ger, and nights spent running free and wild with Nallah. It was during the countless years of training that followed that Kerrik’s legendary Serpent-Battlestaff, Siezor, was created, by the might of the Starborn Gem. Before this, Petago briefly wielded the Water Moon Demon Blade, but felt that the weapon was far too weak for his tastes, as the Starborn Gem offered far more power than the Water Moon Demon Blade. Also, during this time, Petago took the name Char Reyarteb, shedding his past like a distasteful garmet, and Nallah became Lady Absinthia. Immediately after Kerrik became proficient at the art of High Elemenstation, Portent began to wonder if he had made some error in teaching Char his art. Reyarteb’s power seemed to be limitless, and everything that Portent taught his pupil, Reyarteb immediately mastered. In fact, Reyarteb seemed to use the powers of High Elemenstation—and thus the Starborn Gem—with far more power than one would have thought possible. Portent began to ponder exactly what to do, and in the year 17,904, Portent sent his eager pupil away with words of great praise, hoping against all hope that Reyarteb would never know why his teacher had done such a thing.

The Unsundering and Reformation

However, in the six years between the disownment of Reyarteb and the beginning of the Century of Fire, Char Reyarteb and Lady Absinthia amassed an extreme amount of power through unknown means. With dreams of total power, Char eliminated his former teacher in a bid for immortality from the Starborn Gem. Indeed, the artifact granted him that privilege and many more besides, including the ability to summon various monsters from the earth of Battal, but also forced Reyarteb to submit to the sentient will of the Starborn Gem. Dominated by the Starborn Gem, Char killed his long-time compan-ion and lover, Lady Absinthia, then went on to reformed all of Battal to his own—or rather the Gem’s—liking, and thus the only single-handedly-done conquest of the world was done.

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Reyarteb’s Defeat

Finally, in the year 19,116, the Four Underdogs managed to, with the aid of the spirit of Harbinger Portent (now known only as the Ocumen) and the raw power of Aklom Reklats (a splinter of the Starborn Gem), defeat and seemingly destroy the immortal Reyarteb. Peace seemed to be restored to the world, and yet not a soul believed that the tyrant was truly gone—after all, the Starborn Gem was nowhere to be found.

Reyarteb’s Return and the Hier-arch Wars

In the year 23,354 - over four millenia since Reyarteb was seemingly destroyed by the Four Underdogs - teenager Sierra Vanity inherited the Old House of Eyekia Lane. Little did she know that the spirit of Reyarteb, lost and weakened, had seized hold of the house in a bid to avoid being discorporated entirely (the Starborn Gem’s control over Reyarteb had long been broken, as the gem itself was heavily damaged). Something in Vanity awoke this dreaming, malevolent ghost - the time for his return to the lands of Battal was nigh. Elemenstors throughout the world felt the disturbance created by this new evil, and quickly gathered once more. In the years that followed, many dark armies were formed by Reyarteb’s sinister Furniliars, the Doorknob Marshals, and laid waste to many armies and cities. These yearicles were known as the Hierarch Wars. A last-ditch botched exorcism of the Old House in 23,401 only resulted in Reyarteb’s spirit taking corporeal form once more. Reyarteb immediately headed for the Chasm of Eternal Sorrow to summon his old ally, MooMaa the Dyemon-Ghost - who he believed would give him the upper hand in the Hierarch Wars. However, a rag-tag band of Elemenstors and a hastily raised army representing many of the peoples of Battal barred his way. In the epic Battle of Freedom’s Peril, Char defeated many Elemenstors, but was finally vanquished by Sierra Vanity’s son Ron - later Ronard the Medium, of the line of Magic Sword Kings. The Elemenstors swore that they could find no trace of Reyarteb’s spirit - but that is what was thought by the wisest sages after his previous defeat. They said that

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true evil is never completely destroyed...and with the rediscovery of the long-lost Starborn Gem in the sands of the Unothath Desert, it seemed all the more probable that Reyarteb would most definitely return. In ElamenSTAR Shuffle, there is an Alternate Char Reyarteb.

Fan Art

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Chasing Death

Summary

Yet another Fan Fiction offering about Ubrith and the mysterious unresolved thread from Book 11. Though a much more widely accepted fan offering on the subject than Ubrith: The Untold Adventures, this piece had its own flaws. The story starts out very well actually, picking up with Ubrith right after Book 11, and the plot unfolds very smartly. Our heroine travels across the land, always one step behind the evil Spiral Doom, but is never quite able to catch up with it. It’s when Ubrith finally does corner her quarry that the story veers off course rather surprisingly. Ubrith is quickly overpowered by the epic Elemental Construct, and all seems lost, when a new character named SlayrX (which also happens to be the penname of the writer) appears and miraculously kills Spiral Doom in one blow. Ubrith is instantly smitten with the ruggedly handsome ninja-Vampyre, and pledges to reward him for saving her life, and helping her complete her quest. What ensues in a very erotic three chapters detailing the manner in which Ubrith “shows her gratitude”.

Timeline

This story takes place during the events of Book 12. Indeed, Ubrith even briefly passes by the carnage from the end of the Battle of Splinters during her travels.

Cheddarblade Cornuthaum

Simultaneously cheese, hat, and sword, this presumably-magical item was briefly described in an antique shop in Book 11. Fans of cheese, hats, and swords rejoiced at the combination of the three, and the

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Cheddarblade Cornuthaum is the subject of many fanfics suggesting origins and uses. As its name implies, it is a pointy hat made primarily of cheddar (specifically a hard variety called blade cheddar) which has an extensible handle so its sharp point can be used as a weapon. It presumably predates Item Law 55. Bladecheddar is renowned as the sharpest cheese in the world. Cheddarblade Cornutham (Card) is also a card in the Adventure and Mysterious expansion. Note: This hat (and all such blade cheddar) actually gains its powers from a little knowen school of magic known as Enrichment.

The Children of Valedaleglen-hill, or The Three Foolish Chil-dren

The three children from Valedaleglenhill, who in Book 7 set out to reach Elddim’s Peak in order to enlist the aid of the Elemenstors there. The children are Isaac Purcheron, Ark Riven, and Raven Darkblood.

Chrome Garden

The original creators of this fantastical garden have passed on long ago, killed in a freak Xoil spill that killed all living things in the garden and surrounding area. What remains are elaborate sculptures and metal works of extraordinary beauty. The caretaker of the garden is the magically animated metal man Otto Chromo. The Chrome Garden is found in the FaeriWraithe Lands and appears in Book 2.

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Orphenna touched the gleaming green leaf and quickly withdrew her hand. ”Father! This leaf is made of metal,” she exclaimed. Heeroh bent closer to the comically twisted flower, inspecting its shining orange petals. “Hmm... The whole thing is made of metal! Why, everything in this garden is metal. Have you ever seen anything so extraordinary, Oryand?” ”Oh... I’d say that I have. Look at this.” From behind a large shining tin fern stepped a strange pile of boiling pots, pipe shafts, steel rods, and metal spheres. It looked like a tinker’s work bench, but moved like a man. Carrying a pale blue watering can, it moved from plant to plant, going through a pouring motion at each tree, bush, and flower, even though the can was evidently completely empty.—Book 2

The Chronoclave

The Chronoclave is an organization devoted to the preservation of chronology, not as historians do, but as gatekeepers; they prevent others from poking their nasty dirty fingers into the flowing stream of Time, so to speak. Powerful individuals from many different time periods will found/have founded/are founding it. Because of its membership, it has no real date of origin; it is said to be in the eternal Yet, which follows the eternal Now. Its membership will/has/does include kings of the line of King Ronard, sages of the Moonlit Order, Elemenstors of all types, Littleospohers and even several uncorrupted (?) sorcerials. Harbinger Portent is most notably not a member of the Chronoclave, as he is considered by most of its members to be “a smartass.” The whole reason for the Chronoclave’s existence is to restrict time

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travel, since they view the integrity of timenes as the goodest of all goodnesses. As seen in The Glaivemistresses of Arvalyyon, time travel makes a huge mess of things. This may be the event that triggers the Chronoclave’s founding (or it may not, because it is/was/will be founded in several time periods, blah blah, you get the idea). The Chronoclave holds court on the Spaghetti Plane of the Elmether, which is “outside time”. It is named as such for the complicated strands and thread of timelines visible to those who enter the plane. ”The Chronoclave” may also refer to the building where the organiza-tion meets, in the western part of the aforementioned plane; hence its location being given as “Spaghetti Western.” Chronosorcellors are strictly divided into two camps based on their affiliation with the Chronoclave: those who are members of the Chronoclave, who use their powers to maintain the order of time, and Rogue Chronosorcellors who will bear no restrictions on the use of timesorc’ley. Episode 05, Season 3 of the Wizbits cartoon implied the existence of impartial Chronosorcellors, who seek to neither protect nor subvert the flow of time. This was one of the less-popular decisions made by the cartoon, and most fans chose to write it off at the time as a non-canon moment. Alternatively, attempts have been made to rationalize the implications as a lie - after all, the man who uttered them was Fregor the Untruthful, one of the least reliable men on the face of Battal. The existence of the impartial Chronosorcellors was later confirmed in Book 11. These impartial Chronosorcellors, (which include Yar the Sorcerial by the end of the book) also expressed doubt that there was much risk of long lasting meddling in the timestream, due to the mechanics of Banachronation being revealed by Fyar Duliec in order to save the (real) Yar. ”It seems like the chances of you seeing your future self in a common inn are quite high.” ”Indeed. Should that come to pass, time would shatter like a window, creating billions of “Reality Shards”, which would act as temporal prisms, giving birth to a multitude of warring universes. These universes would be suspended in a sea of un-time.”—Tower Spiralstair

That is one of my favorite quotes from a member of the Chronoclave

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about the dangers of time travel. Unfortunately, I don’t have the exact chapter/book reference, as I lost many of my notes when I was switching from 5¼” disks to 3½”, perhaps someone else can fill that in? —Mooninaut

Sorry, but I don’t recall this quote from any canon material I’ve read, and this is very different from the way timesorc’ly seems to work in ELotH:TES. The only way for this to make sense would be even more series-wide retconning of chronoclones and the like. Or perhaps you’re referring to Temporal Elimenstation (provided that it is actually distinct from timesorc’ly, which I maintain is still somewhat in doubt)? —PeterBurns

I’m not sure if the quote is canon, either...it seems to go against the Byar-Coynkadence conjecture.

The confusion comes from the fact that it was actually the Chronosorcellor Tower Spiralstair who said this to an unnamed associate at the beginning of Wizbits Episode 5, Season III.

Chronoclone

At times, when Chronosorcellors perform multiple Banachronations multiple times to the same time period, a copy, spawned by the simultaneous existance of multiple instances of the same Chronosor-cellor in the same time period, can be spawned. This process, while seemingly rather redundant, usually serves to needlessly duplicate the efforts of the Chronosorcellor who has been Chronocloned. Normally, this process is harmless, and has little or no ill effect.

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It has been surmised that this effect is a back-up failsafe of the universe itself, to prevent the Byar-Coynkadence conjecture from being disproven. Evidence of this exists in Book 11, when the Chronoclave detains Yar the Sorcerial, but later find the detainee to have been Yar’s Chronoclone. Had the real Yar been detained, Yar would not have been able to nullify the effects of his own Banachronation, and the Byar-Coynkadence conjecture would be disproven.

Chthonic Swinemen

One of the three races descended from Zonard (see also Halfmen and Boar Men). The Swinemen possess only a rudimentary intellect, and can barely speak Plaincommon (which is astounding considering that language’s simplicity). (This inability to articulate has led to the widespread use of the derogatory term “grunters” to describe them, though “squealers” is also fairly common.) While not nearly as bright as their Dolphinthrope cousins, they are every bit as cruel. The Swinemen’s malice, however, tends to be more random, undirected, and crude in comparison to the insidious evil one would expect from the Dolphinthropes. They are vicious, nasty, and prone to unpro-voked fits of violence; they are also roughly twice as strong as the average human. Luckily, the Swinemen prefer to live underground, and this proclivity results in an intense dislike of bright light- a fact which is put to good use by High Elemenstor Noddy Chillbreezey in Book 9.

“SNAAAAARLGOFLESHFEET!” - Calg Hokhok, Swineman Warchief (Book 9)

Criticism

Some critics have claimed that the Chthonic Swinemen are basically a total ripoff of the Star Wars universe’s Gamorreans. This is, of course, pure nonsense, as anyone who has read the series would be

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able to tell you: the differences between the Swinemen and the other pig-race are both vast and profound. For starters, the Chthonic Swinemen live in caves, while Gamorreans live in space; further, while Gamorreans usually engage in combat using some kind of polearms, Swinemen prefer to fight with their razor-sharp tusks. And the list goes on.

Famous Clerical Healers:

Raunch Iron from Book 3. Possibly the ‘Alpha Clerical Healer’ Sasquilla from Broken Stool: Alchemical Boogaloo.

This page need more entries. Any help?

The Comfortable-Looking Sofa

The Comfortable-Looking Sofa is an Elemenstated item of furniture that looks really soft and warm and inviting to sit upon. However, due to the evils of Dark Elemenstation, the Comfortable-Looking Sofa is not, in fact, comfortable at all. Any who sit or, God forbid, sleep upon the Comfortable-Looking Sofa are doomed to squirm and wriggle in an attempt to find a position that does not cause back strain. It is for this reason that the Comfortable-Looking Sofa is considered to be surreptitious seating. The Comfortable-Looking Sofa was a minor antagonist throughout Book 3, continually appearing in the unlikeliest places (in the dungeon in Chapter 6, behind the monolith in Chapter 13 and on a two-foot-wide ledge on the face of a mountain in Chapter 37) to tempt the travellers in their darkest moments, to sit upon its plush-looking cushions.

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Companionship of the Elemenstors

A group of Elemenstors which arise during the Hierarch Wars. They are the first Elemenstors to realize the evil that lurks in the Old House of Eyekia Lane. The companionship makes its first appearance in Book 10, but also appears in Book 11 and Book 12, and this group of Elemenstors are some of the most beloved characters of the entire cycle.

Members of the Original Compan-ionship

• Ubrith

• Jarvelos

• Ekezenthal

• Arkazanthal

• Zuumont

• Toobanor

• Ray Charebet

Additional Elemenstors (arrived later)

• Mordichai Alamede

• Larrana Modpeer

• Revolp Darkblood It is interesting to note that Tycho Brahe chose to give the second grouping of Elemenstors surnames, where as the first group were known only by a single monicer.

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Convolution and Complexity

It is clear from the very first sentence that Tycho Brahe’s Elemenstor Cycle is heavy-laden with convolution and complexity both linguistic and narrative. Brahe demonstrates remarkable bravery in his willing-ness to employ plot devices most authors consider too silly, to difficult, or too completely incoherent—devices like timesorc’ley, physiks, and of course Elemenstation itself. Rather than building a world for others to enter with ease, Brahe demands that his readers pry the world from his mind through intellectual fisticuffs and linguistic wrestling of the most strenuous variety. This is not to say that every passage is completely inaccessible; indeed, many entries exhibit the most languid prose, the most lucid imagery, the most compelling dialogue an author could ever hope to commit to paper. But these passages seem to be rewards, sugary delights, moments of respite for those committed enough to pay the initial toll. “Everything inherently laudable we must bestow with appropriate valuation,” Brahe once commented when addressing this subject, “Else we would have no foundation upon which to call it inherently laudable.” Thus the convolution and complexity might be seen as Battal’s entrance fee.

Criticism of Brahe’s Approach

Of course, not everyone wishes to pay this price, and Brahe has faced a fair bit of criticism for it. The most common objection is that any convolution or complexity of plot stems directly from poor thread management. In other words, if the author can’t remember what he was writing or why he was writing it, attempts to reconcile disparate plotlines will result in the appearance of complexity. If accepted, this would render The Elemenstor Cycle not intentionally convoluted, but accidentally (and necessarily) convoluted. This is difficult to reconcile, however, with those aforementioned passages which exhibit only literary brilliance unfettered by the challenges of complexity. Some critics point to the multiple authors theory or the somewhat disputed drinking and pill binge as explanations for these wide swings between unquestionable brilliance and abject madness. Others simply believe that Brahe really did employ convolu-tion and complexity to discourage “lesser” readers, supporting this

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with another common theme of The Elemenstor Cycle, Betterness. All of this tends to distract from the other convolution and complex-ity of this epic saga, however—namely, the convolution and complex-ity so often found in the author’s language. To call Brahe a linguophile would be a most egregious understatement. For as complex as the story is, its structure is infinitely more so. Consider the following excerpt from Book 13:

The Elemenstor blinked. Had he seen something in the darkness? No, he;;;;; decided, it was probably just those olives he ate earlier. They hadn’t been fresh at all. Plus he was getting old. Bah. He’d been dead long before he gav;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;e up his precious pickled foodstuffs. Dismissing such thoughts, he gathered his robes and pressed on.

The thoroughgoing application of semicolons is hard to miss, but the overall convolution of the passage—including the bizarre tense structure—is characteristic of the series as a whole. Indeed, this particular passage is crystal clear when juxtaposed with some of the more extreme examples. Having established Brahe’s modus operandi, we are now left to wonder—if this convolution and complexity is in fact deliberate, why? We have seen a few possible explanations; an entry fee into Brahe’s world seems possible if not likely from a market perspective. But in the end all we can really do is follow the author’s example, and leave this question as an exercise for the reader.

The Council of Elders and Bet-ters

The governing body of Valedaleglenhill in Book 7. The group consists primarily of two groups (with a few notable exceptions). The first group is the frail and tired old men of Vale-daleglenhill, world weary and somewhat disinterested in the fate of

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their town, but members of the council for the fat cakes and Root Tea provided at the town meetings. The second group consists of members of the Better family, prominent land owners and farmers in the surrounding countryside. Hom Better, the patriarch of the family, tends to be the voice on the council, with a collection of brothers and nephews along as yes men and agreement mumblers. The Betters protect their interests with a cowardly and sometimes craven disposition. The town meeting scene from Book 7 where Hom convinces the elders to send three foolish children across the Lands of Va to enlist the aid of an Elemenstor conclave at the height of the villages peril is an excellent example of the way in which the council is run.

Crestplains

The Crestplains are a very fertile, flat area on the Northeast of The Shield, often described as “just north and a bit to the right of Wang’s Peak.” This area is where most of the agriculture on The Shield takes place. As such, it is generally a very boring place to live... of course, when it’s not being raided or burned by some sort of Dark Lord or Immortal Fiend.

“Hmuuurr’urrrr’uuuum...” brooded Haul, “too long your Nor’Easters and Dirt Huggers sat in Crestplains chewing cud while Spike Dogs slaughter the silent children of Gaia. You lose pride of Bulls, and glory of Hammers.” The circle of chiefs and shaman paused after Haul’s statement, waiting for some response. Bull-Chief Bugg of the Dirt Huggers kept chewing his cud, either oblivious to the attack on his station of leadership, or altogether indifferent. Bull-Chief Murgh of the Nor’Easters snorted furiously and slammed his Herd Hammer into the ground. ”Where were Dog-Killers and Blood-Teeth when Dog Suckers killed our mothers? Where were Mist-Hooves

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and Flat-Northers when plains broke and grasses burned?”, shouted Murgh, panting heavily, “And you, Haul Hammerlord, ran like coward, drinking blood in wild places, preferring war over duties of Bull! You abandoned your birthright, AND HAVE FORSAKEN US ALL!” Haul’s feral nature swelled within him, and fires of bloodlustiness returned to his eyes. It had taken all of his fortitude to return to the Herds to unite his people. He had summoned all that remained of his shattered identity and sanity to return to the grasslands to be among his fellow Minotaur. And his argument with Murgh had stripped most of it away. In a single motion he leapt from his feet and butted Murgh in the chest, knocking him down. Hammers in hand, the mighty bulls squared off, preparing to fight to the death. Suddenly, Bugg Dirt-Hugger leapt to his feet, and bellered at a volume none had thought he was capable of. Even the bloodlusty Haul gave paused, and turned his attention to his docile brother of long hair matted with mud and leaves. ”Mruufgh!” snorted Bugg, “You guys are really killing my buzz over here!”—from the ElemenstorLance novel, The Third Legs of Gods

Crystalcrown Chronicles

by Paul Thompson

Notes

Released in November of 2002, Crystalcrown Chronicles was an effort to explore the near end of the ELotH timeline based on sparse

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existing references within the canon cycle and the thumbnail sketches of characters only present in the CCG. The result was the best source of information and narrative available about the events of The Ending Times, although unfortunately this era did not particularly excite most fans of the 13 novel series as it contained few of the places and characters featured prominently in that series, given the 16,500 year lapse between stories. Notably at least 6 of the fans of the CCG were quoted as being extremely pleased by the book. The ending of the book is intentionally vague and ends with the infamous betrayal. Several fan works have attempted to extend the story beyond this point but most have been poor attempts that have not gained much of a following within the community.

Characters

• Floor the Stupid, Half-witted brother of Princess Crystalcrown, perhaps picks up on more than he is given credit for.

• Princess Crystalcrown, Good Hearted, although possessing a rather sheltered view of the world.

• Llorllthos, Brave Nevelost Healer, and trusted companion of Princess Crystalcrown

• Sakengaarg the Forge Master of Crystalcrown, Dwarven Forge-King, and trusted companion of Princess Crystal-crown

• Elanfariestel the Easily Convinced, member of the court of Princess Crystalcrown, recipient of ultimately rather mis-placed trust by Princess Crystalcrown

• Merm the Cruelish Prankster, member of the court of Prin-cess Crystalcrown

• Jonnah Goes-Along-With-It, member of the court of Prin-cess Crystalcrown

• Dark Master, a shadowy figure with a dark motive

Locations

• Mount Wor

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(others?)

Misc Notable Events

• Several clandestine incidents of Bell Caging by Merm and Jonnah.

• A rather unfortunate case of Swordworms

• Dagon’s 8th Sword of Power Against Wood makes a surpis-ing appearance

• Brief mention at the end of the book is made to The Crys-tal Order, founded by Llorllthos and Sakengaarg.

Cubby

“Take the girl, but leave my dishes alone!”

Biography

Cubbert P. Oakwood (Cubby) is the cupboard Furniliar of Felthar the Moderately Handsome. They have traveled together since the day of his enchantment by Felthar as a prank during his days at the Institute Of Accoutermentia. His mannerisms are ordinarily that of a stuffy old butler, but in times of danger Cubby has been known to hurl himself headfirst into trouble in defense of his master. Cubby is near manic about the state of his contents, carrying a checklist of items in one of his drawers. Lost items are lamented for days until replaced. Any similarities with wacky yet lovable sentient wooden chests living on impossible flat discs hurtling through space should be considered purely coincidental. After all, there’s only so much one can do with living furniture.

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Warning, SPOILER ALERT!

Death

Cubby died saving Felthar and Serafina Haberdasheron from the Nightstand in Book 6 of The Elemenstor Cycle

Re-Furniliarisation

Cubby was returned to life by Toran in Book 12 at one of the seventeen final battles in that book (the fifth in fact, where he assists in the destruction of The Ambulatator, one of The Eight Elemental Constructs). Inconsolable after the loss of his beloved flatware, he refused to fight in the war and instead became the first furniliar to hold government office as Undersecretary of Education. Eventually Cubby’s Allsoul faded to inactivity and he was donated to the Ezermethalonian Museum of Notable Furniture, where he remains to this day.

ELotH:TES Canon

Cubby is introduced (and also created) in Book 5. He appears (and is destroyed) in Book 6, and is reincarnated in Book 12.

Curld

The Curld is a small, square coin made entirely out of Elemenstronium. It was minted and distributed by the Elemenstors of the Cerulean Citadel during The Rise Of The Elemenstors period. It caught on due to the influence the Elemenstors had on the public and trade, and was used as the major form of currency on Battal ever since it began circulating. It’s tendency to glow when not owned has made it’s use as currency

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consistently supported by adventurers’ lobbies, who find such a property very useful when rampaging through dungeons.

Cylinder and Tube Theories

There is a lot of confusion and controversy that swirls around fan circles regarding the nature of the three similar weapons that appear throughout the various Sagas, The Parchment Cylinder, the Cardboard Tube, and The Cardboard Tube of Unusual Sharpness and Popularity. This page covers some of the theories and debates that still occur about this subject. It is unknown why the only one of these three (or less, depending on who you talk to) weapons appeared in the CCG - the Parchment Cylinder.

General Assumptions

All the theories listed here have a few common assumptions. The first is that The Cardboard Tube of Unusual Sharpness and Popularity and The Parchment Cylinder are definitely distinct weapons, due to both being in use at the same time in Book 12. The second is that both weapons are generally accepted to be extant during both The Magic Sword Kings Period and The Elemenstor Cycle. The Cardboard Tube is generally accepted to be extant during the Wang Era. Whether it is a distinct weapon or one of the other two is the subject of debate.

The Three Weapon Theory

This theory states that all three weapons are distinct. Of the three, the Cardboard Tube alone is lost to history, disappearing along with its wielder, the Cardboard Tube Samurai, during the Wang Era. Proponents of this theory note that there is a story involving Harbinger Portent and an unknown warrior who was able to defeat many guards with “a piece of garbage.” This is proposed to be the Cardboard Tube Samurai, though how he travelled some 12,000 years into the future to meet with Portent is unknown. While it is certainly not impossible, the

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background of the Samurai was always left vague in Oriental Tales of the Wang Kingdom, there is no definitive proof either way.

The Tube is Cylinder Theory

This theory states that the Cardboard Tube and The Parchment Cylinder are one and the same weapon. The origins of the Cylinder are never mentioned, but it appears a few times in various Sagas, always where needed. Since the Cylinder’s powers are known to vary from wielder to wielder, proponents put forth that this was the weapon that the Cardboard Tube Samurai wielded. There is evidence to support this, including similar descriptions of both weapons. Other supporting evidence is the fact that the Cylinder is known to have displayed powers similar to the Tube. Again, however, there is no definitive proof that this is the case.

The Tube is Tube Theory

This theory rather pragmatically states that the Cardboard Tube is, in fact, The Cardboard Tube of Unusual Sharpness and Popularity. The weapons are, after all, virtually identical. The tube Gragnakas forged was sent back in time to the Magic Sword Kings Period, but no mention of it is made during the Wang Era. Proponents state that the Cardboard Tube Samurai came into possession of the weapon. They also state in their favor that while the Cardboard Tube is described as being forged from an ‘unknown material,’ the Dwarves did not discover Muramite cardboard until almost 5,000 years later. However, as this disregards the Harbinger Portent/stranger-with-garbage story mentioned above, and it also does not explain how P’km’n the Hungry came to possess the CToUSaP, this is generally regarded as a maverick theory and is not given much credence.

Dark Doomblade of Magical Overarching Darkness

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Forged while the legendary Forge-King of the Dwarves Gragnakas was undergoing a “goth” period, the sword was meant to convey his utter contempt for life and color, and is exquitisitly decorated with skulls, roses, dragons, cute mice, and other regalia of horror. However, Gragnakas got really drunk while making it, and instead of imbuing a mystical air of darkness and fear, the sword blinded him, and forced him to endlessly spew forth bad, dreary poetry. Once he sobered up and realized what he created, he sold it to the brooding anti-hero Tal’Thak and went back to work. Shezdor is believed to have found the sword still being clutched by the corpse of Tal’Thak, who had died of a massive blow to the head that he apparently didn’t see coming.

Dark Elemenstation

In his search for power, Char Reyarteb needed the assistance of the dark Dyemons of the dark Nastier Planes of the Elmether to pervert the pristine, Starborn Gem-given properties of High Elemenstation into the terrifyingly traitorous tempestuous torrents of Dark Elemenstation. Dark Elemenstation draws not just on the basic particles of the Elmether and the elements of Air, Fire, Earth and Water, but it also draws darkly on the accumulated dark psychic energy of the countless centuries of pain, torment and strife of the world. Dark Elemenstors possess the dark knowledge that every theft, murder, battle and stubbing of toes feeds the dark forces of Dark Elemenstation. Dark Elemenstation is divided into three facets: Blood, Unlight and The Unspeakable. Many have attempted to draw parallels between these dark elements and the light elements of Earth, Air, Fire and Water, though at the current time this idea has been largely discredited. The more radical Dark Elemenstors (or, perhaps, ones most learned in their craft) insist that the the facets exist in-between those of High Elemenstation: Blood between Earth and Water, Unlight between Fire and Air, -The Unspeakable- at the crossroads between all four. If this theory is correct - and few Elemenstors, High, Dark, or other-

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wise, choose to weigh in with their opinion - it would suggest the existence of two more facets, located between Fire and Earth, and between Water and Air. Others say that the three facets are distorted primal elements, claiming that Dark is distorted Ur. Further extrapolations of a unified geometric theory of elemenstation has lead to the octahedric hyperprism hypothesis. While it is not considered canon, the octahedric hyperprism hypothesis has been reinforced by the Cycle numerous times, particularly in the Finnish translation. It is unclear if this will ever take into account the Dark is distorted Ur theory or if the two schools of thought will engage in flame wars. It is interesting to note that Harbinger Portent, Char Reyarteb’s master, was known as the father of High Elemenstation, whereas Portent’s student himself, Reyarteb, was (ironically) the father of Dark Elemenstation. Related:

• Elements

• Wrack

• Witherance

Dark Elemenstors

In 17,910, as Char Reyarteb began his journey to universal conquest, he required some sort of assistance. Reyarteb was only one person, after all, and he was not in a situation where he could spread his power all over Battal. Thus, Reyarteb, with the aid of the Starborn Gem, forged with his own blood a new magik force—Dark Elemensta-tion. With this new power, Reyarteb was able to turn drops of his own blood into fraternal clones of himself, with a fraction of his limitless power. These dark warlocks were known as the Dark Elemenstors, who spread across the world, making sure that all citizens knew exactly who was about to take over the world of Battal—and eliminating those who stood in Reyarteb’s way. After the fall of Char Reyarteb by the Four Underdogs, the Dark Elemenstors were hunted down and killed, if not purged of all Dark Elemenstation (which ended up killing them most of the time anyway)

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by the Angyel blade Excelsius. However, new Dark Elemenstors, also called Necromenstors, were created from High Elemenstors, and they formed an underground sort of cult that still exists today, unseen in the shadows. Dark Elemenstors possess all abilities of High Elemenstors, except for the ability to create Elemanifestations. Instead, they create Dark Elemanifestations—Elemanifestations that are far more powerful, yet far less contrallable, than their High Elemenstation bretheren. Equally, rather than Furniliars, a Dark Elemenstor will often have a Dark Furniliar.

Other Dark Elemenstors

The term Dark Elemenstor was also a term for the low Elemenstors of The Sickle during The Sundered Era who studied and practiced dark arts. Their particular breed of Elemenstation was unique to this region and period.

Dark Fourteen

The Dark Fourteen are a group of devoted fans who organized in internet chat rooms to form a plan to kill Tycho Brahe. A rumor indicating that one final novel in the Elemenstor cycle (“The Fourteenth Manuscript”) had been completed began circling shortly after the release of the 13th novel. There is great possibility that the rumor arose due to the ending most fans felt was “tacked on” and out of context with the rest of the novels—the recent republication of Book 1 with significant changes to fit the ending support this. The rumor indicated that the final book would be published one year and one day after the death of Tycho Brahe, hence the logical conclusion that a true fan would want to speed things up a bit. The arrest in connection with the lathing of three employees of Realmworlds Publishing of Jonathon Moore, who is believed to be the head of the original Dark Fourteen, only seems to have brought more attention to the cause, and the slogan “There is a faster way to find out...” has been appearing in blogs and fansites with greater fre-

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quency. A splinter-faction of the Dark Fourteen who have grown disen-chanted with the entire series appear to be responsible for the PACT. References to these individuals as “those who would drown the baby in the bathwater” can be found on Dark Fourteen message boards.

The Dark Master

The Dark Master was a dark and shady character who was most definately up to no good. Little else is known of him. The dark, enigmatic nature of the conundrum that is the mystery of his past baffles even the most astute historians; indeed, legends tell of those who have fallen into the black despair of madness in their vain attempts to understand this mysterious figure, shaded in grotesque shadow and infinte darkness. A popular vein in the fanfiction community is that The Dark Master is none other than the Cardboard Tube Samurai... or at least his dark half manifested from his trials in the Chasm of Eternal Sorrow. There is little evidence to support this aside from two references in the text. The first mentioning the smell of hellfire and lotuses at the approach of The Dark Master. The second is Archibald Almalastor’s brief vision of The Dark Master carrying a long, ill-described weapon at his side. There is little popular support for this theory outside of the fanfiction community.

The Darkstorm

First there was nothing/the Hierarchs. Simultaneously/later/earlier, the Starborn Gem was formed. Next/previously, The Four Vales were shaped. The Four Vales, being comprised of the four main Elements, were pleasing to the Hierarchs. As it is written, the Hierarchs Thought,

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“Behold the Four Vales, for verily they art pleas-ing/havst been pleasing/willst be pleasing to Our-selves.” - Elemenstors 1:4

In each elemental Vale was created and sequestered one of the four most discerning races. In descending order of their rationality, they were: Furniture, Kryatures, Sjkarblae, and Men. Thus, all was good and ordered, and the Hierarchs basked in the glowing radiance of Existence. In the Vale of Farth, the Furniture began the creation of an advanced civilization, philosophizing on weekdays while lazing on Saturday and/or Sunday afternoons in the manner that furniture is still accustomed to do. The other Vales, however, descended into darkness and despair, being unable to establish societal order or, for that matter, any method in which to laze at all. For it is said that the Hierarchs Thought,

“Verily, the Vales of the non-Furniture most assuredly art making/hav’st made/willst make themselves unholy Shitholes of despair and melancholia.” - Elemenstors 1:7

On a Hierarchical Whim, the Hierarchs, in their Ponderings, elected to begin Existence anew, Thinking,

“Thus, behold Our Whim, for We now art enrag-ing/hav’st enraged/willst enrage Ourselves with Our creations of Crapitude. Surely they art/hav’st been/shall be destroyed upon our Thinking.” - Elemenstors 1:14

Simeltaneously/later/earlier, the Darkstorm began/continued/ended, changing the Vales from their primordial, promethean state into clearly defined elements.

Effects

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Traces of the Vales’ previous admixture are still experienced as hiccups in the practice of Elemenstation. Furthermore, due to the dual existence of the Hierarchs as both forgers of the Starborn Gem and as a eulithian resonance vector of the Elemenstors themselves flung back into the past, the original four races were scattered across space and time, appearing in the Saga Timeline through differing means at differing times and in differing forms. Thus, while almost no one can be sure of which race he or she is descended, it can be assured that all people and creatures are/will be a descendant of either Furniture, Kryatures, Sjkarblae, or Men.

The Dead Lands

A barren expanse of rocky uninhabitable terrain in southern Parsonya. Crossing the Dead Lands is the quickest way to travel from The Shield to The Sickle by land in unsundered eras. In the center of the Dead Lands sits the bleakly ominous Hardahrock, and it was around this aged monument that the Battle of the Bands of Hardahrock, one of the 17 final battles in Book 12, was fought. Odd Otto’s Greasy Pub is one of the last stops travellers can make before entering the barren wastes. Although it rarely rains in the Dead Lands, occasionally there are brief Spark Storms, which are sudden cloud bursts of heavy rain and devastating lightning.

“Jumb O’Mallet?” ”Yeah, he’s the executor of the will. He was Pappy Snooky’s best friend and ....” I was cut short. BOOM! There was a crash of thunder as the sky lit up brightly with a streak of lightning. In the wake of the clap, dark clouds gathered and the sky became as overcast as

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night. Several more bolts of lightning cracked across the sky and more thunder soon followed. Finally, a drenching rain started to fall. ”What’s happening!?!” I yelled as the wind started to whip up around us. ”Spark storm! We had better find cover quickly.” she said, grabbing my arm and pulling me off down the path. We ran down the hill and spotted a small cave in the side of the next hill and we dashed inside. It wasn’t very deep, little more than an overhang, but fortu-nately it was tall enough to stand up in and to not get any wetter than we already were. ”I thought it never ever rained in the dead lands.” I said. I was soaked and so was all of my things. ”It never does... Except once ever three or four years when a spark storm will come along and drench the area.” ”And any unsuspecting travelers who are misinformed that it never rains in the dead lands,” I finished for her, in my mind. ”Oh...” I said aloud. Obviously, her realm of knowl-edge extended beyond just magic.

Death in the Family: A Very Special Wizbits

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**The Wizbits, Episode 212 Aired 26 November, 2000**

Summary

In this episode, MooMaa returns with a vengance as Bladeweaver Moo Maa. As the Wizbits enjoy some time in the city, Moo Maa blazes a devastating trail, seeking his old foes. Rather than face all of them at once, Bladeweaver Moo Maa isolates and strikes at them, spreading his damage amongst the reuinted, yet frustratingly separated, Wizbits. The episode reaches a tragic head when Moo Maa locates Amberberry en route to facing Lander with a mind-controlled Skip. Amber attempts to convince him of the goodness in his own heart, and, in a cruel moment, is struck down effortlessly by Bladeweaver Moo Maa’s blades. The final battle of the episode exhibits just how exhilarating the action scenes in Wizbits can be, and provide a satisfying cord of vengeance against Moo Maa’s evil act.

Moral

Skip: Well, sometimes people die terrible grotesque deaths at the hands of your most unspeakable enemies. You know what I like to do when that happens? Borrow a straight razor and enjoy some time alone with me, myself, and my wrists. Try it, kids!

Notes

• The music that plays over Amberberry’s death and the final battle with Moo Maa is none other than “Nights in White Satin,” the Moody Blues song. While hailed as moving and well-selected when originally played, James Langomedes has a prominent hate for the song, the Moody Blues, and, inci-dentally, Amberberry. In accordance with James Lan-gomedes’s wishes, the upcoming DVD release will replace the song with “(Feel Like) Making Love,” by Bad Company.

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• This episode of The Wizbits was mentioned in Entertain-ment Weekly, where it was given an excellent review. View-ership of the show spiked shortly therafter. Ironically, the screenshot of the episode and the Wizbits title in the review were errors—the review was actually one of Law and Order: Avant-Guarde Critics’ Fodder.

• The original cut of the translated version of the show fea-tured the mind-controlled Skip destroying Amberberry, which James Langomedes found “immensely satisfying” but others felt was too disturbing for children’s TV; replace-ment footage had to be animated on the quick. The silhou-etted killing stroke of Moo Maa is rotoscoped footage of a tall street bum tearing into an Amberberry-shaped manne-quin filled with beef tripe and blood squibs, rigged to a small explosive.

• The episode was rated TV-Y7 and remains so, thanks to a hefty bribe from General Defense Dynamics, as part of their ongoing experiments into, quote, “turning the children of today into the hardened soulless killing machines of tomor-row.”

• This episode clashes with accepted canon, as Amberberry dies later in Book 12 of the saga. Individual fans determine which is their preferred end for her. Most opt for the books, especially since Amberberry did not silhouettedly explode in the book. The question is moot in the Japanese version, as Amberberry neither appears nor dies hideously.

Cast and Crew

Written by

???

Directed by

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???

Comments

I’m pretty sure it was Amberberry who met her end in this ep—or did they call her something else and just reuse her character model?

...I knew I got the song wrong. Thanks for correcting. -Jute Mill

Dellberry

The rare Dellberry is, opposite to common misbelief, not found in Delberry, Lander’s (from The Wizbits cartoon show]) home town. It is, however found only in the lower left corner of The Sickle, in a tiny little nation called Republic of Boysenrasp, and is rumored to have been in The Satchel in Book 6, where the Satchel was revealed to contain tasty berries and fruit. The Dellberry is a commonly used ingredient in recipes such as Green Marshmellow Stew and Penguinaroni, and requires being cooked for several hours before being eaten. It was also used to flavor The Yogurt of Doom. Though considered a berry by most people, it is, according to a character who mentions it in passing in Book 2, actually a spice. It also makes an appearance in The Wizbits: Rockin’ and Boardin’, the video game for GameBoy Advance, as an item that shrinks you at touch, which it doesn’t.

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‘This, my friend, is a Dellberry. However, the Dellberry, as you might suspect, is not a berry but a spice.’—character in Book 2

Department of Active Furnish-ings

The government agencies set up to catalog and control the number of living furniture in the area. The people who work there are jokingly called “Bureau-crats.”

Notable Officials

Gelnor Hathnistad - Head of Dresser Affairs (Dates?) Hals Arthnimence - Vice Chancellor of Ottomans (Dates?) Grim Paperpush - Minister of Furniture Affairs, Ezermethalon

Dim Elves

One of the noble races of Elves.

General Description

The least intelligent of the elven races, Dim Elves are kind and caring and absolutely dull beyond belief. They live in a fuzzy-headed harmony with their surroundings, devoid of any sort of conflict. This offers adventurers precisely jack to do. Dim Elven lands are some of the least-popular vacation spots on Battal.

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The typical look of a Dim Elf is bland, gray skin. They have particu-larly bland hair-cuts. A bowl cut is common. Dim Elves are primarily gatherers, eating nuts, berries and other humdrum legumes and berries. They have a highly-developed musical tradition that no one else cares about at all, which consists of holding a single note for hours, and then—brace yourself—switching to a different note. Dim Elves are born with an innate talent for elemensta-tion, which they use to repair torn shirts and locate ripe berries and other mundane items. One would think the occasional fireball would come to spice up the Dim Elves lives. They make an incredibly strong liquor, famous for qualities not unlike air. Nobody likes or dislikes the Dim Elves, nor do they pay the Dim Elves any amount of stubstantial attention at all. They are too even-tempered to be fun to torment, and so stupid that everyone else feels vaguely embarassed to be around them. Besides, no member of the Dim Elf race has been known to do anything even vaguely epic. The Dim Elves inhabit the southern lands of Yymp, in the lands surrounding their capital of Dwimelvan’astlevania.

Addendum from The works of The Chronicler

There are legends that the Dim Elves or Dwimelvan’tesal (which translates as the boring grey ones) were once an incredibly vibrant and exciting people but that in a time long lost they sacrificed any connection to the UR element of Epic to save all of creation. Most modern scholars find this improbable and attribute the creation of the ledgend to those people marked as “Dim Elf apologists.” One of the greatest Dim Elven scholars (and a regular barrel full of monkeys himself) was once quoted as saying, in a monotone voice, “No way in hell, that is far too exciting to have anything to do with Dim Elves.” There is some evidence that lends credence to the legend though. According to Lore (As well as the CCG and RPG), any spell with the Epic- enhancement that is directed at a Dim Elf will automatically fail. If the race were not so spectacularly boring this would most likely be used by armies to their advantage. As it is, most would-be

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conquerors cannot be bothered to learn this fact about the elves.

Phylogeny

It is speculated that the Dim Elves are primarily descended from Furniture, with a limited admixture of Sjkarblae ancestry. It is also quite possible that they are a remnant of the Ecreekem Remnant who survived by hibernating in the earth for millenia.

Militia

The Dim Elves maintain a militia of Falconriders which are almost never called upon.

DivX

A small ambulatory machine box that is known to go to great lengths to spite and insult anyone he can. His origin is the stuff of legends. Some say he came from the fabled City of Sercut, in The Nether Regions, but to this day and age, he still wanders aimlessly. Remarka-bly, he seems to be the only known being that can resist the lethal effects of both Ayle and Ale, drinking both in large quantities to no ill effect. In fact, the only symptom he displays is the tendency to hurl even more verbal vitriol around, crescendoing into a frenzy of ad hominem attacks and finally tiring out. He has a purportedly nasty relationship with the Gabe entity, though the exact nature of this relationship is unknown. Some even say that Gabe is the one that brought him into existence.

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Dogus Brankorking

One of the Wasted Elemenstors. Familiar: Turnum the Smug Ape. Born: 23,247 Died: 23,344. Dry-humped to death by the Tordingwall after a night of binge drinking in Middleclang. Before his demise, frequented the Pig’s Annoyance as a patron, storyteller and braggart.

Canon References

• Book 3 -- appears as a wide eyed and eager elemenstor in training.

• Book 4 -- Now an old elemenstor, who at the end of the book hangs up his stave and joins the ranks of the Wasted Elemenstors.

• Book 5 -- Appears as a Wasted Elemenstor. His death by Tord-ingwall is chronicled here.

Small excerpts from his various bar tales forthcoming...

Felthar and Cubbard were out there somewhere; and they were in danger. Even with the warm fire of the hearth at his back and the cold, smooth ale sweating in his hand, Dogus knew that Gorg Stinkrot was out there as well. ”Stinkrot,” Dogus cursed to himself under his breath, “Stinkrot and that damned nightstand.” One of the bar maids seemed to have overheard this muttering and stared at him with big, concerned pupils. ”Worry not, child,” Dogus placated her, “These are but the troubles

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of an old Elemenstor...long out of the loop.” She placed her hand on his shoulder and then smacked another froth-spewing mug onto the table next to him, leaving him to his thoughts. His thoughts remained out the window, which framed a perfect Middleclang night of trixillating stars over high-peaked mountain ranges. Somewhere out there, Dogus thought, Gorg was causing trouble in Ezermethalon. ”He’s causing trouble and I’m not there to assist old Felthar,” Dogus hissed. Lifting his purple-furred head up, Teremus recovered from his stupor long enough to gaze at his bearded master. ”Back to your sweet-addled, temporary coma,” Dorgus lured, “Back to the haze we have both garnered for ourselves here in this drunken land.” It had been many years since the Wasted Elemenstor had lived a true tale of heroics, looting and adventure, many a yearicle since he had engaged himself in some journey of worth and excellence. Now, he sat in the Pig’s Annoyance, oggling the lady-folk and entertaining the scarred patrons near the kegs with his tales of High Elemenstoring and dark deeds unwrought. Looking at the snowy caps of the mountains, Dogus wondered if he shouldn’t leave it all, go back to a life as a great Fire Elemenstor, forge new tales for himself, and steal those of others. He could still return, he mused, return and live off the new tales here in this diminutive, hidden paradise of ale and skirt. Lately, Dogus had found he was exhausting his well of stories

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to impress and beguile the folk of Middleclang. He had been improvising lately, and improvising badly. Many a drunken night he had crafted a poorly-conceived tale and he was beginning to suspect the townsfolk were now only humoring him and no longer believed his recountings. The Pig’s Annoyance was starting to let out. Few were left to stagger on home, and fewer still remained to buy Dogus drinks in exhange for Dogus’ many epic recallings. Tonight the chubby waitress, her considerable girth and bossom barely held tight underneath her white bar-maiden’s dress, was the only one left to listen. Would he enthrall her with tales of battle and mercy? Would he remain where he was, content to tickle her ear with an Elemenstoring saga or two? Or would he get up from this wooden stool, lay down his basket of deep-fried Runtberries and rejoin the great fight for the world of Battal? Dogus Brankorking, former Fire Elemenstor of Battal, awoke on a slobbered pillow, the smell of leaf smoke and wet ape-hair in his nostrils. He turned to peer over his shoulder. Plump and cute, flushed cheeks smiled back at him contentedly. Her bar-maiden’s red bow un-tied and lying limp on her beard-scratched shoulder. In the background of her chubby form was the ape, snoring smugly in what Dogus assumed were probably arrogant, smug dreams. ”Tell me more of Elemenstoring, Dogus,” cooed the soggy bar-maid, “Tell me more of the furniture and the glory.”

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Dogus turned over briefly to look out the window of his room. The snow-splattered mountain range was lit by an enduring sun now. Somewhere beyond them was his old friend, in trouble, somewhere out there new stories were still being lived...and TOLD.—Taken from Book 6, Nightstand’s Peril”

Comments

I find it odd that the narrative in Book 6 switches between Felthar and Dogus, as it often does in the other books of the cycle. I ask this mainly because, although it seems to be leading up to Dogus leaving his life of drinks and bar-wenches to save the world in book 13 (much like a han-solo type character), he never actually does. This begs the question, what was the point of Dogus’ musings about returning to Elemenstoring anyway? Perhaps he was meant to return in the rumored 14th book? Perhaps his dry-humping and subsequent death at the underbelly of the Tordingwall were added in lazily by Tycho when he decided he would not be making the 14th book after all? [email protected]

Dolphinthropes

One of the three races descended from Zonard (see also Halfmen). Known for their vicious nature, Dolphinthropes, (once a peaceful cattle race and now twisted by the nefarious powers of Dark Elemenstation), take the acute intelligence for which any normal, right-thinking dolphin is famed and turn it into a dark and evilicious cunning. Feared across all the land for their relentless savagery and

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ability to breath above water, the Dolphinthropes were finally quelled - along with their terrible cohorts, the Chthonic Swinemen and the Homo Canii - by magnificently mighty High Elemenstor Noddy Chillbreezey in Book 9. To put a stop to the vicious half-men’s mammalian fury, Noddy was forced to utilize forbidden powers from the farthest reaches of the Elmether. Soon after, the caterwauling music of the forgotten elements he had used drove him insane, and he committed an extremely distasteful suicide. Even after Noddy’s great sacrifice, tribes and encampments of Dolphinthropes, as well as both other races created by Zonard, exist scattered around the wilds and cave systems of Battal. Although no longer a great threat to the civilized races of the world, the creatures retain every last bit of their smouldering hatred for humanity, and Elemenstors in particular. They are a great threat to any and all travellers, and should be avoided at all costs. However, if you should happen to come across a carcass, Dolphinthrope meat is still just as juicy and delicious as those who remember their time as livestock will surely recall. Mother Nancy’s Fancy Cookbook faithfully retains the recipe from ages past.

Dooblegnards

The Dooblegnards are strange creatures, resembling a cross between a fish and a rhinoceros. They are able to walk the land, however, they prefer to stay in dark places beneath the water. On their backs is a substance even stranger than the Dooblegnards themselves: a thick goo, nasty in appearance, but very nutritious. It is also said that the goo has unspecified healing abilities. This goo is raked off their backs by Tribbits known as Mucksuckers.

The Doomblade

The doomblade is an ancient double edged and double-ended weapon of untold power, a dark mirror of the first of the 100 Swords

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of Sepathok, The Gripless Sword. However, since it has two edges and no haft, its impossible to wield in battle without cutting off one’s hand. Therefore, the awesome destructive power of this weapon has never been fully realized. The aforementioned destructive power would have been pretty damned awesome (this is what distinguishes it from the somewhat more mundane Gripless Sword), though, or so it is rumored - knocking down buildings with a single brandish, slicing through vertebrae and whatnot - so the sword’s uselessness is either a damn shame or a lucky break for humanity, depending on how you look at it.

Doorknob Marshals

Vile Furniliars, the lieutenants of Char Reyarteb during the latter years of the Hierarch Wars. Previously unassuming doorknobs, granted a parody of life by the evil powers of Dark Elemenstation. Burning with the humiliation of a thousand twists, they amassed vast armies of dark creatures all over Battal, swearing vengeance against those who would callously grasp and turn them. The Doorknob Marshals were destroyed with their foul master at the Battle of Freedom’s Peril - the climax of the Hierarch Wars. Some say, though, that a few survived... biding their time, waiting for some naive innocent to grasp their hideous handles...

Dorc the Incontinent

King of Ezermethalon, a kingdom along the norther coast of The Shield. Father of King Drongor the Unexpected. Deposed, in part, by Squidgy the woodworm of Abercrombie who was at the time wielding Blade Sword of the 100 Swords of Sepathok.

Note: Yes, it’s very strange that Squidgy was wielding one of the 100

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Swords of Sepathok. (see comments on Book 5)

Doric

Doric is the knight of Gimba, the lady of Terle, and as such is the first knight of the first female Terleian and the first knightful Terle. Rather full of himself, Doric is nevertheless an able, confident, and widely popular knight. He is the life of the party and well respected, and is always the one to resolve a crisis. He takes charge even in situations he may not be capable to handle, but his winning personality often allows him to come through unscathed. This places great wear and tear on his squire, Semmellhalt, who took to drinking after being constantly overshadowed by Doric’s free-wheeling personality.

Doublemint

My main contributions have been drafting the original entries for Book 10 and The Fourteenth Manuscript. I wrote the entries for the planets Zonard and Phillip. I also added Garth Ennis Presents: The Vampyric Wars and came up with the title (but didn’t write the content) for Refractions in the Scattered Light of Metallic Rainbows; A Retrospective Look at the Artistic Undercurrents of Tycho Brahe’s Elemenstor Saga and Their Interplay with New Critcism, Marxist Theory, and the Emergent Domain of Contemporary Virtue Ethics and Platonic Character Actualization; Or, How I Learned to Ride Dragons. There were some more minor additions and edits, but nothing else major.

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This is where the eggplant with brainmanglement Elemenstation powers was discovered by a young MooMaa. In Book 3 the minions of Xoxor Xxar picnic near here.

Dreemkast, the Dreamcaster

A great god referred to in the third chapter of Book 2. Dreemkast was a great and powerful god, easily as powerful as Plesta Shuntoo, his chief rival. He came down to the world to bring peace and happiness, but he was cast away. His beauty and exclusively rare enchanted discs were deemed to great for this world. He then disappeared into the realm of shadows to never be seen again. It is unclear if this story, told by Heeroh Troughberry, is another one of the character’s purely allegorical inscrutable metaphors, or if he is truely imparting some piece of the Battal pantheon that is indeed canon.

The drinking and pill binge.

Overview

This refers to the latter period of Mr. Tycho Brahe’s life. Also referred to in court documents as “the incident”, and divorce papers as “the reason”. A lot of merchandising was given Tycho’s “rubber stamp” during this period, which led to many an ill-conceived and poorly manufactured toy. After this period, Tycho increased his rate of publishing output by 10%.

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The Facts

In early 1997, the name of Tycho Brahe was increasingly on the lips of CCG loyalists. The world of Horatio was so dauntingly epic and so clearly inspired that its popularity was inevitable. By late July, Tycho had received more than one postcard of appreciation. Yet popularity was not a quality that Tycho had had to deal with before. What followed, the drinking and pill binge, wasn’t made known to the community until several years later, and then only few details. The only truly verifiable facts known at this time are that Tycho Brahe was hospitalized on July 26, 1997, and that whenever questioned by uncouth fans Tycho quickly looks away (some say with a look of great and terrible age), and is silent for a moment before turning to another fan. Readers bewarned: the morbidly curious such as these are often assaulted by more respecting fans. Whether Tycho’s immediate actions following the binge were a result of the binge itself or not is left to the reader to decide.

The Theories

From The Mundane

The most simpleminded say only that Tycho was unable to cope with the popularity. Heretics even say that he was not expecting such acceptance of his works, hoping to cash the advance on the 13 novel saga before the publisher realized they wouldn’t be worth the printing costs. (Note: This is included only for the sake of completeness; the quality of The Elemenstor Cycle is undeniable to any with a human spirit.) Either way the story goes on to say that in early July Tycho fell into a haze after taking all of the over-the-counter drugs he could find, seeking an escape from the increasing number of eyes cast his way. Speculators continue (and the keen may note a certain light in the eyes of these speculators, suggesting that they find some dark pleasure in imagining the sorrows of the great author after, perhaps, bearing the burden of long waits between book releases), that Tycho finally brought himself to the George Washington Bridge in Manhatten the night of the 26th, supposedly with thoughts of ending his life. Noting the dedication “Gabe - It IS a Wonderful Life” in the

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beginning of Book 2, fans explain that he was saved by a friend and subsequently hospitalized. The “punchline” is that Pfizer, the makers of Sudafed, signed a marketing agreement in August making Sudafed the only accessory used by nightstands.

Through The Paranoid

Another popular theory is that the entire matter is a fictitious rumour. There are few verifiable facts beyond the hospitalization that prove the occurance of such an event - while Brahe did make several rash and inexplicable decisions during this period, they could just as easily be explained by the aformentioned considerable stress. As a result, many of Brahe’s more defensive fans still discard the entire “incident” as a myth. This is considered quite plausible, as Brahe is not without enemies. For example, Scott Kurtz was infamously snubbed by Realmworlds Publishing when Brahe received the contract for the Elemenstor cycle. Kurtz had, at the time, a better writing record and a lower bid, and has always claimed that the decision involved some form of foul play.

To The Fantastic

That The Elemenstor Cycle is so epic only because they are a transcrip-tion of real events is a notion held to by more than one of the (greater?) community. That the Starborn Gem may be or was in Tycho’s possession is, for now, unknowable, but speculation need not rely on facts. “The Truth” as the theory is called, is that Tycho was not given only the knowledge of Battal, but also of this world and his own death in 1601. But, since Tycho is not nearly so powerful as Harbinger Portent or Aklom Reklats, his mind is quite unable to cope with even an elem of that rotary tillar of knowledge. Tycho may even be subjegated to the Darkling Gem, beholden to transcribe the story of all worlds for eternity. Unconfirmed reports say that the night of the 26th someone shouted “Sleep tight ya retards!”—a reference to chronosorcillic curse? Given these maddening conditions, Tycho may indeed have sought an escape that dark night. But were his plans foiled by loving friends or by the Starborn Gem? On that note I will leave you with this newspost I saved back from when rec.arts.elothtes was around:

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Well... I actually met Tycho. Nov ‘96--release day for the first book. I was way into the CCG back then. Tycho was at the bookstore to pick up a copy for himself, (I guess Realmworlds Publishing didn’t bother to send him a proof), and we got to talking. I was probably the first fan he met, before he knew what was going to happen. Anyways, I actually went to his place (I couldn’t say no—I was still young and a real live author wanted to hang out with -me-!) and got to talking. It was like he was letting me in on some big secret, even though I had bearly cracked the book open yet. Anyways, it got late and I was thinking about going home when he started to act real funny. Casting glances to his bedroom, he whispered furiously to me. “I can’t stop. It... won’t let me... STOP.” Then he whipped out a knife from somewhere and... I’m getting the chills again. Gah, I can’t bear to think of this, its been years, but... He cut his fingers off. I saw it. Then.. then they, they grew back. I mean... I just.. I still have nightmares. He let me in on this secret, and its been eating at me like it does him. But I can’t deal with it anymore. I wish I had come face to face with Cthulhu instead, you know? I mean, at least he’s a SLEEPING god. Needless to say, I soiled myself and ran the hell away from there.

• The Truth-

Also see The Unspeakable.

Drinking Games

It is said that the port city of Bizarkule raised the simple bar activity of drinking games to a refined art, respected and honored throughout Battal. As a result, almost all bar regulars know at least a little bit of Darv (or at least simp). Popular Drinking Games of Battal:

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• Nyagy Ab: Drink Up

• Ranog Quarum: Hidden Orange

• Trug Stuz: Liar

• Brubber Steeb: Strange Mitten

• Iarba Roo Begol-vix-zekkot, Bru’stoove Lopok Aynik-koree: A “drinking game” only played on Jubilee Day, by those who remember the true spirit of the season. (Literally night of drunk with alcohol, make dead many enemies.) Commonly referred to by its simp name Iarbaroo. Every time you smite someone with a copy of Ronard’s Hammer, you take a drink. Repeat, increasing frequency of smitings.

• Wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!: Dance of Staying Out Really Late And Drinking Too Much Pear Schnapps You Stole From Your Father’s Chest

• Tret aug Nyagy: Colloquially three-bottle battles. (feel free to list more) Commonly heard Darvish drinking terms:

Darv Literal Translation

Loose Meaning

guah inta liquid play drinking games

bongor dooslee apple person

a drunk

guzag an attractive woman

a woman who is only attractive after consuming much mead

kahned kah ned: a single goodbye

The first drink of the night

nikbix nushka without drinking

a tavern. This is a very popular name for taverns in Battal, and

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water almost every large town has a Nikbix Nushka

inta glark play, thank you

A standard invitation to partake in drinking games.

druk darv darv I speak darv.

This person is a very heavy drinker, and not to be chal-lenged to bongor dooslee.

chugga wugga nient

Please pass the cup

“Serving wench! Bring me more ale!”

King Drongor the Unexpected

Son of Dorc, king of Ezermethalon. A character from Book 6.

A friend of Gavment’s from Dwarfsdown who was slain by Xoxor Xxar.

Dwarfsdown

A tranquil Dwarven village in the Mardath Highlands of western Mandleclang. The first of the Forge-Kings to make Dwarfsdown his seat of power was Ungrata the Unforger. Home of Dthr’nex.

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In Book 3 it is razed by Evilnor

Everyone in the party knew that as soon as they rounded the bend it the path, the forest gave way and the valley stretched out before them. Dwarfsdown, with its warm mugs of mead and scratchy beds of hay would be waiting to welcome them back after these too long days of journey. Gavment noted a satchel lying beside the trail that appeared to have been dropped in haste. As he bent down a shrill and girlish shriek pierced the chill air of early evening. He looked up and High Culimancer Bertrick was standing just ahead of him on the path, one hand covering his mouth, and another pointing into the valley, and just out of Gavment’s view. It was then that Gavment saw the black smoke which was drifting lazily above the trees.—Book 3

Dwarves

In the Elemenstor saga, Dwarves are very similiar to their Tolkie-nesque counterparts in most other fantasies. However, there are some differences.

Culture

Dwarves are excellent at nearly all varieties of forging, mining and brewing. This is because Dwarves are naturally predisposed to being obsessive. They will sometimes go for days without food or sleep in

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an attempt to get their work done. Of course, no one can spend all their time like this. So every sixth week, the festival of Krakajak is held. While to Dwarves, Krajajak is an enriching, defining, and spiritually uplifting experience, to all other races it looks like a cross between an enormous week-long drug binge and a temple orgy. This makes Dwarves one of the fastest breeding (not to mention polyga-mous) races of Battal. This is handy, as Dwarves aren’t terribly good at making sturdy mine props. The same sort of approach is used in Kranakakrak, the Dwarven art of war. All the obsessiveness into crafting perfect swords and jewels is focused into lopping the enemies head off. This means that a Dwarven army resembles several thousand whirling balls of metal and fury, prominently featuring the dwarven combat art of Axehammery.

Wandering

When Dwarves enter their adolesence (age 54-67), they feel an overwhelming urge to visit the wider world, or as they know it, the Overground. Nearly all Dwarves met in the Elemenstor Saga are wandering. While not in a state of either Kranakakrak or Krakajak, they attempt to do as much of both as possible.

Dwarf Women

Dwarf Women are not described in the Elemenstor saga or its various properties. When pressed, Tycho Brahe muttered darkly about his ex-wife.

Longevity

A Dwarf can typically be expected to live about 850 years before expiring of what one might term “old age” although certainly it is not unusual for a dwarf to do himself in before that, sometimes explo-

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sively. There are of course a few notable exceptions to the upper limit of dwarven life span.

Government

The Dwarves are fairly autonomous, but they are technically led by the Forge-King, and their capital city is Grothondogrim.

Cuisine

Dwarven cuisine is noted throughout the realms, as they devote every bit as much care, precision, and manic obsession to their food as they do to their weapons and their warfare. The basic ingredients are root vegetables, a domestic rabbit-like beast called a Nurbilak, and a variety of spices, most of which are processed, distilled, or otherwise concentrated to the point where most other races purchase them as poisons. Dwarven cooking, if the consumer survives, is considered a unique experience. Most non-Dwarven epicures recommend making a stew from a bite-size piece of Dwarven cuisine and a large pot of chicken broth. (Serves 8-10)

Alcohol

No discourse on Dwarven culture would be complete without at least a passing mention of alcohol. Alcohol is part of a dwarf’s life from his first sip of his mother’s milk. Dwarven milk is 40 proof. From there it only goes up. Dwarven ‘beer,’ while technically made from hops and barley and therefore beer, is 60 proof, and dwarven whiskey is their own personal gift to alcoholism (and industrial solvents). Dwarves rarely drink less than a stijn at a time, defined as a container large enough to wear as a hat*. A yajuk is large enough to quench a battle axe in, and a jagil bigger than a yajuk but smaller than a gifr, which is large enough to bathe in (see The Griffled Duck). A beznov is not so much a measure of volume as a measure of how much raw alcohol it takes to make Dwarven women hot. The most potent alcoholic beverage was created Grammabad Fireblood, who called it the Hierarch Hammer. He downed a pint, belched, and

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the ensuing alcohol fire killed 50 of his kinsmen. It is beleived that even the most foolish of Dwarves will not often dabble in Ridiculously Alcoholic Beverages, however this opinion is often changed after a few dozen gallons of normal Ale and the ritual Dwarven challenge of Dormadund. This challenge consists of slamming down some coins on a bar, presenting the challengee with something disgusting or dangerous to consume, and spouting the phrase: “I dare ye!” Sadly, this leads to the fact that Acute Alcohol Poisoning is not as rare as it should be among such a hardy folk.

Pantheon

The Dwarven Gods

• Frimarillion - Goddess of strong dwarven drink

• Mongaard - God of beards and the harvest

• Saturkaz - Goddess of cavern depths

• Suntor - The Forge Lord, high king of the Dwarven Pan-theon

• Thurskurk - Usually represented as taking the form of some sort of pack animal, the diety of a lightened load

• Tuessus - God of Dwarven Lore and Music, also titled “God of Elven Loathing” (controversial)

• Wednesrok

Calendar

Dwarves strictly adhere to the Dwarfish Calendar which is different from the regular Ronardian Calendar used by the rest of the world. The months have the same names as the standard Battal 6, but the weeks are only 7 days long. Each day is named for a god of the Dwarven pantheon.

• Sunday - for the god Suntor

• Monday - for the god Mongaard

• Tuesday - for the god Tuessus

• Wednesday - for the god Wednesrok

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• Thursday - for the god Thurskurk

• Friday - for the goddess Frimarillion

• Saturday - for the goddess Saturkaz

Rivalry

Dwarves hate Elves. They have no problems with Witch-Elves, which to the uninitiated is confusing, but to most makes perfect sense.

Note

The two goddess days which end the week are “days of rest” for the Dwarves, known appropriately enough as the “week end days.” As Thursday evening marks the end of the work week, “Thank Thur-skurk its Thursday” (TTIT) is of course a popular expression. *stijn often double as helmets for dwarves on the go.

Dyemons

Dyemons are the names given to the creatures who roam the various realms of the Elmether. They are mostly found, however, on the Nastier Planes.

Dyemons are generally considered to be demons, having almost all the qualities of your average, run of the mill demon. However, the major difference is that Dyemons are color-coded. Nobody is quite sure why, but the darker the color of the Dyemon, the more nasty it is believed to be. For example a purple or black Dyemon would be a huge undertaking to defeat, while a white or pink Dyemon might be slain with something like a feather or wet noodle. There are also rumors of more colorful Dyemons such as Plaid, based on the nature of Plaid it is assumed that they exist in the NastiestPlanes. Because of this, it is suggested to always check the color of Dyemons in the area when entering one of the Nastier Planes, for it will tell you if it’s just

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one of the NastyPlanes or perhaps one of the NastiestPlanes that you are transversing.

“You’re the silly ones. Not us.”

Methods of defeating dyemons

Dyemon Colour

Plane Identifying Characteris-tics

Weapon of Slaying

Method of Slaying

White Nasty Very Fat, Short Arms

Feather

Topple the dyemon by pushing it over and then rub feather along soles of its feet

Pink Nasty Covered in pink fur, ugly head

Pointy Stick

Shake pointy stick at dyemon while shouting. Causes dyemon to turn into scared quivering mass

Light Nasty Skinny, Large Boot Kick it in the

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Blue eyes Crotchal region with a good boot, repeat until defeated

Beige Nastier

Covered in thorns, gibbers constantly

Salt

Throw some salt on it. They hate that.

Desert Sky

Nastier

Tall, Lanky bodies covered in scales and spikes

Avocado

The quickest way to victory is to spread guacamole all over the dyemon’s body. Of course, no one has been that brave to try it

Horse Various

Looks like a big mean insect horse with burning hooves

Carrots

Ironically, Dyemon horses hate carrots, yet cannot resist them.

Ihmho Cow

Nasty

Like a big depressed-looking cow with several extra horns

Being cooked

Ihmho cows are too depressed to fight back a slightly

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determined chef wanting to harvest some Greef

Earth

Earth (commonly referred to as “dirt” in academic circles) is one of the basic four elements of creation, and thus of High Elemenstation. It represents stability, orderliness, ancient secrets, trees and plants, green things and old age. Its symbol in the CCG is the Ball of Clay or Ginger Snap.

Earth is represented symbolically in the Weighty Tome of Elemenstor by an old man dozing off on a porch. Earth Elemanifestations can summon Golemonsters made of dirt and, well, earth. An Earth Elemenstor is also known as a Stoner and is the second least common variety of Elemenstor.

is the ancient character the Hierarchs used for writing the word Earth. It is often woven into the clothes of Earth Elemen-stors, or printed in their magical items. The character is part of the typeface used in printing the Elemenstor Cycle books and often appears in place of the word earth when referring to Earth Elemen-station. Related

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• Elements

• Air


• Fire

• Earth

• Heart (Debated)

• Life

• Death

• Stream

• Carry

• The Four Vales

Epic Fan Companion (EFC)

A heavily footnoted and suplimented line of The Elemenstor Cycle Books. Great for a true fan. EFC Editions exist for at least 10 of the 13 existing novels.

Effervescent Lake

Tucked in the lowland forest that covers the foothills of the Wang Mountains, the Effervescent Lake is a naturally-occurring body of carbonated water. Fed by underground springs that pass through near-limitless deposits of sodium bicarbonate, the Effervescent Lake is a crackling, fizzing wonder that changes colors throughout the year as the springs leech new deposits of tinted minerals. Running from its northern shores is the Effervescent River, which sadly loses its bubbling fizziness just a few short ploisnu downstream, as the meandering water makes its way over rocks and stones. Miraculously, the Effervescent Lake is home to a variety of fish, all of

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which are highly sought after, not only for their rainbow-flecked flesh, but for their nearly boneless bodies. In truth, the fish are not boneless, but instead suffer from a serious calcium deficiency, the source of which no scholar has discovered. (It is thought by some to be a lingering aftereffect of The Unsundering, when the great vibration caused by the clasping together of The Sickle and The Shield rendered the fishes’ bones fragile and nearly textureless.) In the 25th Millenia, the Effervescent Lake became home to the Elemenstor Archibald Almalastor. His work, which ushered forth The Resundering ironically led to the diversion of the very underground springs which fed the lake from which he took his full title. The Effervescent Lake was dry as a sorcerial’s pelvis swaddling just a short year later. At the bottom of the Effervescent Lake is a glowing portgate portal which leads to the cavern of portgate portals.

Ekezenthal

Introduced at the end of Book 10, the later bride of Arkazanthal, Ekezenthal was born in the shadow of Mount Wor and was trained in the arts of Dark Elemenstation, specifically The Unspeakable. Her dark powers were rent asunder by her rebirth as an Elemenstor of Luminosity when her Rubian was reforged by Water Elemenstation to one of purity. Then she began her long quest to train as an Ice Elemenstor, yet always her Elemenstation had tints of Darkness and The Unspeakable. Eventually Amberberry sundered the Blossomwand and at this happy occasion it was realised by Ekezenthal and Arkazanthal that they were in love. Their wedding is uniquely romantic and considered by many to be the most touching and well crafted sequence in the series. A character called Ekezenthal also appears in the Erotic Blade of Shanari. She is however dressed in a lace handkerchief and some olive oil, and seems unlikely to be the same one.

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Fan Art

lanfariestel the Easily Con-vinced

Elanfariestel the Easily Convinced should have realized he was too easily convinced to do things by his nickname, but someone easily convinced him that his nickname actually meant he was “a real sexy guy.” Many, many people abused this poor man for their various needs, but the most well known was Dark Master convincing him to gently nudge Princess Crystalcrown off of Mount Wor, thus betraying her. His loyal friends pointed out, however, that anyone who so earnestly believed nonsense was a great person to liven up conversations and parties, and he was singlehandedly responsible for more fads and crazes than anyone else, often at the behest of Merm the Cruelish Prankster. (See Fish Spooning, Land Waiting, and Bell Caging)

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After the unsundering, Elddim’s Peak rose from the exact geomet-ric center of the Shield. It was to this hallowed mount that three children of Valedaleglenhill were sent to enlist the aid of the Elemenstors. Despite that fact that the distance between Vale-daleglenhill and Elddim’s Peak in the Shield is over eight hundred miles, the children of Valedaleglenhill made the journey in less than nine days on foot, leading fans to speculate that some form of teleporta-tion was used. Supporting this theory is the fact that the children crossed the perilous Lands of Va in their journey, a detour which would have added another three hundred miles to their journey. Interestingly, Elddim’s Peak is also magnetic north in Battal, making navigation by compass very tricky indeed. Regardless of this, cultural north remains toward the Great Iceberg Sea, which further confuses the issue.

Eldersbane

A popular dark myth of Battal. A flying castle of sky-blue stone, and with mysterious ruler. The home of the sinister and powerful Archmagi of Eldersbane. In Book 8 the myth collides with Young Asana Millytopthought, who discovers that ELdersbane is very real.

Eldritch Rift

The Eldritch Rift was a cataclysmic rift created in 10,345 when Zonard clashed with Yar the Sorcerial and set off a massive amount of energy. This energy was known as the Eldritch Rift (from the Cohoris “to crack an egg”) and split the world into three portions: The Shield, The Sickle, and the third, very secretive and epic, Cataclysmic Bluont. The effects of the Eldritch Rift are long-reaching, as even after Harbinger Portent reconnected The Shield and The Sickle, the Cataclysmic Bluont still remains disconnected and epic.

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Elemenstation

The art used by Elemenstors to accomplish all sorts of fantastical feats that would otherwise require the use of sorcery, which is not Elemenstation at all and is not practices by Elemenstors. For more on how an Elemenstor elemenstates, see the entry on Elemanifesta-tions. See Also: Types of Elemenstation

Elemenstors

Elemenstors are channellers of elemental forces, and summoners of Elemanifestations. A Female Elemenstor, particularly an evil one, is called anElemenstrix. The type of power wielded by an Elemenstor is determined both by their primary Element (See Types of Elemenstors) and by where they are on the spectrum from Low Elemenstor to High Elemenstor (See: Types of Elemenstation). A skilled Elemenstor is usually in possesion of an Elemenstave, through which he augments his arcane powers. See Elemenstors: An Introduction. Types of Elemenstors. Types of Elemensta-tion

Notable Elemenstors, as accounted in the wiki:

• Alice Phallus

• Ann’Dee Gray-Bull - Ice

• Archibald Almalastor - earth

• Arkazanthal - Ice

• Armba Alomba - Air

• Bonar Thustrian

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• Casey Vandershroud - fire

• Char Reyarteb

• Dogus Brankorking - wasted

• Edwin of Historic Girth - stream

• Elais Timor

• Ekezenthal - The unspe.

• Felthar

• Four Underdogs/The Wizbits - see Answers finally cleared up here or details

• Fulgstor’d Yyyrysssla -Death

• Gavment - Fire

• Gendoman Ovelkus

• Gilbert Bumflare - Fire

• Gilgamar Smith - Death?

• Gorg Stinkrot

• Grimfleur

• Halordicus the Bald - Unknown

• Harbinger Portent

• Jarvelos

• Just Annkha

• Kapybara

• Killer Black - Unlight

• Lady Ambivilia - Air

• Lady Sporath

• Laethwin the Younger - wasted

• Larrana Modpeer

• Liverbrux the Frankly Jaded

• Low Elemenstor Rosinquist

• Mad Elemenstor Arathor

• Madam Franceen Elvangella

• Mordichai Alamede

• Nilfrem - wasted

• Noddy Chillbreezey - Water

• Qaxrad of Syzz

• Ray Charebet

• Resc Vored -Ice

• Revolp Darkblood

• Serafina Haberdasheron

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• Sotar Olderndirt - Earth

• Stefarina the Vile Temptress -stream

• Theoric the Eversnide, high augur

• Toobanor - fancy water

• Ubrith

• Vhadxi?

• Wolfgang Apprentice - Water

• Xuxan Xarandon - Life

• Zuumont

Elemenstor Cycle Timeline

The primary action of the books takes place during The Rise Of The Elemenstors, which covers the span of years 20,034 to 25,478 (TRotE).

• 20,034 - The Tribbit Horatio accidentally frees the Pixlie Bibee, thereby setting into motion the events of Book 1.

• 20,036 - Zenethir Foulblade leaves Mount Windice, with the help of the Omniscarf, and travels south, beginning a reign of terror which will last for five years (?).

• 20,041 - The refugee Troughberrys (Orphenna Troughberry and Heeroh Troughberry) begin their accidental quest to overthrow Foulblade, which is the central action in Book 2.

• 20,109 - Book 3, the Soul Prison of Xoxor Xxar is accidentally unlocked by Bendloyer Felkin. Gavment begins his quest for the Rubion Sword to oppose this ancient evil.

• 20,206 - Gorg Stinkrot begins his search for the legendary Underpants of the Underdeep, driving the events of Book 5.

• 20,217 - Gorg Stinkrot animates a Nightstand. Chaos within the kingdom of Ezermethalon brings it to the brink of war with neighbors Terle and Farnvania, as told in Book 6.

The Elemenstor of Light

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The Elemenstor of light is an Elemenstor who harnesses the power of positive energy, with three way access to the Life, Stream, and possibly Heart elements. Basically, a legendary good guy. Stories told throughout Battal predicted that he would appear to help save the world at its darkest hour. In Book 12, the Elemenstor of Light shows up at last and ends up working for the big bads. The incident was nightmarish and horrific at first, but was looked upon with lulz afterward, at least by the survivors of the incident. See: Ray Charebet

Elemenstor Radio Dramas

A 12 part radio programme produced for BBC Radio by Robert Hungford which chronicles the events leading up to and just beyond the defeat of the near invincible Char Reyarteb at the hands of The Four Underdogs. The chronology of events differs from those as told in The Wizbits Cartoon, primarily these differences rest on the fact that the heroes are all about 10 years older than they are in the Wizbits. Another major point of departure is that the final battle against Char is not the Battle of Blackshadow Skullspire, but rather the battle takes place in the caverns of the Savage Barrenlands and is referred to as the Battle of the Rebuilt Kingdom. The first 4 episodes of the drama retell the same story of how the Four Underdogs met and befriended each other, each episode telling the tale from the perspective of a different member. Episode Guide: 1. Earth’s Song 2. Out of Thin Air 3. Raging Fire 4. Still Waters 5. Witch Canyon

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6. Travelling Days 7. A Voice from the Past 8. MooMaa’s Unstoppable Force 9. Destiny and Revenge 10. Atonement 11. Into the Underland of the War Men 12. Battle of the Rebuilt Kingdom approx. running time per episode: 53 minutes

Elemenstrix

In The Elemenstor Cycle, the title Elemenstrix is sometimes used to describe Female Elemenstors, particularly those of Dark Elemenstor disposition. Otherwise ignorant readers of The Elemenstor Cycle sometimes invent the term ‘Elemenstini’, in this case incorrectly.

Elements

See: Complete List of Elements

Introduction

There are eight elements (though some make the case for nine, and still others for ten). The original four elements (Earth, Air, Water, and Fire) are self-explanatory-they make up the fiber of being in all people, and all matter is composed of a mixture of the four. There is also a “better” Element associated with Water, that being Ice. Of course, whether Ice is actually better than Water tends to hinge on

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what kind of Elemenstor you are. The Brotherhood of the Unliquid Water has an obvious preference, whereas most Fire Elemenstors claim never to have seen Ice used in a battle. The secondary four elements build upon the original four, composing the soul and life force of existence. Life and Death is a constant struggle for control, allowing growth or withering in living things. In similar fashion, Stream and Carry are the competing forces in non-living items, dueling for control. Many elemenstors object to their being categorised as “secondary” as their nature is totally orthogonal to the “primary” elements and thus they are in no way below them. The speculative “element” of Heart is hotly debated, and is included here for completeness. Beyond the secondary elements there are also tertiary and Quarternary Elements, although they are seldom spoken of as such. Tertiary elements are generally refered to by a sub catagory such as Biological Elements. Some argue that the proper places of Ice, White Water, and Heart are as tertiary elements. See also The Elemental Wheel

Primary Elements

• Earth (represented as Hazel in the CCG)

• Air (represented as Cyan in the CCG)

• Water (represented as Blue in the CCG) o Ice (represented as a Better Blue color than the

Blue that Water uses in the CCG) o White Water (not represented in the CCG, it was

sold as a nearly flavorless Italian ice by Realm-worlds Delicious Freezees Inc. in 1983)

• Fire (represented as Red in the CCG)

• Heart (Debated)

Secondary Elements

• Life (represented as Green in the CCG)

• Death (represented as Black in the CCG)

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• Stream (represented as White in the CCG)

• Carry (represented as Yellow in the CCG) Note: there is some question as to whether “Element” is the best word to describe the Secondaries, as they are more akin to Forces. Still, the eight elements have been called as such since the debut of ELotH, so the nomenclature will probably stick. We very politely tell the Semantics Nazis who want to change tradition to go sit on the 100 Swords of Sepathok.

Ur-Elements

• Farth

• Airth

• Wir

• Eir The Ur-Elements are a somewhat more complex concept than the modern Primary Elements, as they encompass not only the predeces-sor of a modern Element, but also the creation of certain Races, a place in which these Races lived, and other characteristics. See The Four Vales.

Ur-Ur-Elements

• Epic

• Spacenes

• Timenes

• Voidnes These Ur-ur or primal elements as they have been referred to are representations of the substance that all other elements and existence exists in. They are powerful in the extreme and unusable by all but the most extremely Epic or powerful beings, the Hierarchs. Some say that the Hierarchs themselves are ruled by Timenes and Epic, swimming in them as meatballs swim in a bowl of alphabet soup.

Dark Elemenstation Facets

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Also worth mentioning, though not quite elements in and of themselves, are the facets of Dark Elemenstation:

• Blood

• Unlight

• The Unspeakable These are not to be confused with two well known techniques of Dark Elemenstation, Wrack and Witherance.

Elementals and Dark Spirits

All of these forces have living embodiments which can be summoned by an Elemenstor, but which also have their own free wills and can be encountered on any of the planes of the Elmether. The four basic elements manifest as Elementals, the Dark Elements manifest as Dark Spirits.

Other Elements

Additionally, being that the world of the Elemenstor Saga is heavily element based, there are a variety of other elements that make up the Battal pseudo-scientific/elemental/magical and common view of the world. In the set of Tertiary Elements there are groupings of Biological Elements (both humoric and non-humoric), the so-called “Non-Malleable Elements” (according to The Holy Sisters of the Sacred Sink), and several other groupings. Additionally there are a whole set of Quarternary Elements, which are numerous and varied.

Not Elements In The Purest Sense, But Close Enough To Be Listed Here

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Although not elements in the purest sense of the word, there are nonetheless certain materials which occur only on Battal due to the presence of Elemenstation. These two quasi- or pseudo-elements should never be confused with each other.

• Elendendium

• Elemenstronium

Terminology

With 252-271 elements (exact number is subject to debate) each with a unique relationship to each other and various groups classifing things differently keeping track of the proper terminology can be complex. Most basically elements are divided into levels, each level deriving from the last. Rspectively these are Ur-Ur, Ur, Primary, Secondary, Tertiry, and Quaternary. Oftentimes a level name will be used to refer to a juxtapostion between elements, for example: to say that an element is secondary to a secondary means it’s a tertiary, to say it’s ur-ur to a tertiary means it’s a primary, to say it’s quaternary to a ur-ur means it’s a secondary. Within levels the most important distinction is it’s proximity. Elements are either Inner, Inner Middling, “Outer Middling”, or Outer. Proximity is determined by a mathmatical formula, “Psynorick’s discreet quantum inverse trigomatric function” in relation to it’s postion in the octahedric hyperprism hypothesis. However since few except the High Mathematician Psychic are able to understand this formula people tend to simply look it up and take the book’s word. For tertiary and quaternary elements a usefull rule to rememeber is that three primary codons make an inner, two primary and one secondary make an inner middling, one primary and two secondary make a outer middling, and three secondary make a outer. For further information on an octrahedrically-based classification system, please refer to the Elemental Classifation Chart.

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Elmether (or, The Elmether)

The Elmether is a mysterious concept. It alternately seems to refer to the entirety of the universe or the fabric of space-time-elements. The universe is made up of “particles of Elmether”, but it is also referred to as “the Elmether as a whole”, and sometimes “the whole ball of Elmether”. It is known that the Elmether is divided into “planes”. On the Highest Plane dwell the Hierarchs. There are many other planes, among them the NastyPlanes, Nastier Planes, and NastiestPlanes, which are inhabited by Dyemons and other malevolent creatures, and the Summit of the Skies, birthplace of Gespeshio. The world of the Shield and Sickle (and Cataclysmic Bluont) is presumably another plane of the Elmether...or perhaps it is the only realm not part of it? Controversially, believers in the octahedric hyperprism hypothesis suggest that the true nature of Elmether is actually The Unspeakable. In that approach, the catastophic effects associated with -The Unspeakable- stem from the damage that such elemenstation does to the Elmether itself. Battal is one of the few planes inhabited by life as we know it. The other planes of the Elmether are inhabited by far stranger beings, including Elementals and Dark Spirits. For a list of the planes of Elmether, see the Locations page.

ELotH : The Furnishing

First published in March 1998, ELotH : The Furnishing is a tabletop roleplaying game system around the enormously successful Epic Legends of the Hierarchs brand created by Realmworlds Publishing. The first edition took the form of a 220 page large format paperback the binding of which lacked any durability whatsoever. Published by

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Elemenstors of the Peninsula (EotP), it spared every possible expense in filling the book with mediocre fantasy art and large extracts from various ELotH novels to which EotP owned the rights. The game system itself was designed by the then highly non-famous Mark Danube-Splathagen and his team of no dedicated playtesters. Despite his knowing little of ELoTH canon and even less about roleplaying system design, the game was a huge cult success. Critics ascribed this success to three main factors:

• Elemenstors are fundamentally way cool. Who doesn’t want to be one?

• Mediocre fantasy art frequently depicts scantily clad females.

• A roleplaying nerd and his money are easily parted. The game’s background was taken from The Savage Brutality of the War Men. This was an excellent decision since it enabled players to focus on mashing enemies into a pulp without worrying unduly about character motivations, the details of the world’s rich cultural background or any of that other tedious stuff. The second edition of the game, released in December of the same year represented a huge step forward and is still played today by some beardy types who are really too old for roleplaying games. This time the rulebook was a glossy hardback of some 320 pages, illustrated by the finest fantasy artists of the day. And yet - fortunately for fans of the game - the same cheesy themes still prevailed, the art was still mostly nubile girls and the pages still fell out of the binding after a few months. The game left a real mark on the history of roleplaying. Perhaps most importantly in retrospect it popularised roleplaying amongst female gamers who loved the home improvements angle represented by the game’s animated furniture. Despite its success the game was not without its critics. Ironically, some of the fiercest critics were ELotH fans themselves. Particular points of contention were:

• In ELotH canon the High Priestess Phyllana sacrificed her own life to defeat Gr’z’tok. In ELotH : The Furnishing it was relatively straightforward for any well equipped party of player characters to take him down. Indeed, it became something of an in-joke amongst gamers that a battle wasn’t

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really a battle unless it ended with Gr’z’tok being defeated again.

• The system of critical fails for skill tests was considered to be somewhat weak. For example, if you rolled a critical fail whilst attempting to insult someone then your head would explode from your shoulders and land 2D6 yards away in a random direction.

• The experience system was felt my some to be overpow-ered. In some cases it would be possible for a character to have no magical abilities when he woke up in the morning and be able to summon a firebreathing Edwardian three-piece suite before bedtime that evening.

• The NPC list in the back of the rulebooks contains stats for Lord Hopebane, Harbinger Portent, Lord Kinlo, MooMaa, Shezdor and many others from completely different time periods. This encourages the running of horribly anachronistic ad-ventures (which may or may not handwave about Temporal Elemenstration in an effort to explain away the blatant non-sense).

It is rumoured that ELotH Online: The Bloodrage Chronicle draws some of its elements (no pun intended) from ELotH : The Furnishing. Certainly it is true to say that many of the staff at Sculptured Software Inc are beardy types who are really too old for roleplaying games, but still play ELotH : The Furnishing on a weekly basis.

Controversy

The game and its rival, the ELotH: TES - Pen and Paper RPG, were printed nearly simultaneously. The main reason why is because Tycho Brahe was in the midst of his infamous tizzy and forgot about the first when he liscensed the second. Various opinions are held as to which game is better; while The Furnishing sold more and is generally more popular, fans of the original claimed the system was better suited to ELOTHTES because it emulated the dramatic tropes of the series, wheras The Furnishing was a bare-bones adaptation to a premade system. Others claim the original game was too baroque and oddly unbalanced, and also had too many supplements to keep up with. No conclusion has been reached, but many amusing fistfights are had at conventions.

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My tabletop group always started new players off on “The Furnish-ing” because of its simplicity and normal sided dice. After they became familiar with the setting we would wean them off and get them into ELotH: TES - Pen and Paper RPG. The multitude of stats and monolithic advantages/disadvantages system always seemed daunting to new players. It definitely takes some time to learn how to roll a d7 or a d9 correctly.

Wasn’t there a whole offshoot of ELotH:TF novels as well whose legality and canon status was never fully clarified? Whatever hap-pened to that? kmr

I’m still confused as to why EotP were allowed to make an ELotH RPG in the first place, when Black Fox Games had already made one the previous year, generally known as the ELotH: TES - Pen and Paper RPG, or ELotH:TESTP&PRPG for short. In fact, wasn’t there some sort of lawsuit over that? All the same, I’m glad it was made; ELotH: The Furnishing, though less well-regarded by fans than the Black Fox Games RPG, is more accessible and arguably more fun to play. It’s just a shame it’s now out of print, isn’t it?

Actually, I hear the last revision of the Furnishing rules was made available as a limited edition eBook in April. I’ve never seen a copy though. Might be worth tracking down for the wiki though. kmr

ELotH Limited Edition Busts

A hugely profitable limited edition line of busts produced from Mable DieCast GraniResin that gave it a satisfying heft and quality

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appearance. A small brass placard on the base described who was depicted by the bust. Due to a simple but tragic translation problem between the comissioning Realmworlds executives and the Latvian sculptors, the first run of busts do not include the head, merely the chest of the character, leading to record prices for first editions of the busts of certain female characters. A list of busts, with their production run numbers: Enseven Illibar: 250 first run; 320 second run Char Reyarteb: 200 first run; 200 second run Harbinger Portent: 135 first run; 250 second run Dogus Brankorking: 100 first run Lander Phoenixsong: 75 first run Wendell Blunder: 75 first run Myrtle Breakwind: 75 first run Fantasmaphila: 75 first run Serafina Haberdasheron: 50 first run; 150 second run; 250 third run Lord Hopebane: 50 first run King Ronard: 50 first run Felthar: 50 first run; 100 second run Horatio Luskfish: 50 first run; 25 second run Lady Ambivilia: 25 first run, 50 second run Percy Mulligan: 17 first run (still available) There was also a Gavment Rayling limited edition bust, but at four feet high, it was simply too large for most people. Next year’s line is to include Lopae of Hopea. Preorder tickets were limited to 1000, and currently for sale on eBay in upwards of $800.

Elspeth the Plainsrunner

A ranger and guide, Elspeth is a seasoned tracker with the soul of a poet. Also the warrior spirit of a poet, which is to say, all of the valor of an academic. Put more plainly, Elspeth was quite a coward. Certainly he was knowledgable about his craft and the ways of the open plains. His knowledge was hard won from festidiously avoiding all manor of plains races from the Furry People to the proud minotaur.

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“These hoof prints are fresh... A large male, weathered of brow and heavy of hammer. The tracks seem to indicate that...” Next, Felthar heard the sound of rapidly deminishing foot falls, and when he turned he saw Elspeth as but a vanishing figure against the horizon of the plains. Book 6, Nightstand’s Peril

Elves

In the Elemenstor saga, the term Elves refers generally to a set of magical races which are all derived from a common ancestor. All Battal Elves share certain traits, physical and cultural, with the original proto-elves which were formed from their Sjkarblae forbearers.

Shared characteristics of the Elves include:

• keen night vision

• an affinity for the natural world

• a love of music and dance

• a common pantheon of gods

• knowledge of the Arcane Elvin Language known as Flannt’l-wyrre

• a passionate distain for Dwarves

• pointy ears

• an unusually long life span.

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History

When the Sjkarblae first appeared in the Vale of Eir, the Higherlark LL’Chomber looked upon them and saw that they were Good. But LL’Chomber saw in them an imperfect reflection of what they could be, and drawing upon his own form as inspiration, crafted a new race through use of Deep Elemental Magicke. Pointing the ears, like his own, removing the shroud of night from their eyes, as it was gone for him, and giving them an appreciation for grace and beauty. He named the race Elf. (The name was reportedly that of a girl he had a crush on as a lad.)

Elvin Factions

The Elves were a proud and noble race which spread across Battal and prospered. With geographic seperation comes unique specializa-tion, and of course fractious influences creep into a population. Before long the pockets of elven population had their own unique cultures, languages, traditions, and customs. Elvin Factions: Referred to by themselves as “The Noble Races”

• The Darkmarch Elven

• Dim Elves

• Elf-Witches

• Extremely Elves

• High-Elves

• Low-Elves

• Mean Elves Elvin Cloisters: A collection of different elf-types

• Frozen Elves

• Hidden Elves

• Dojo Elves Non-Elvin Factions: (several groups have come to be associated with Elves, but really are not Elves at all)

• Witch-Elves

• The Completely Ordinary Non-Elves

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• Beach Elves (also Nevelves)

• The Nevelost (not to be confused with Nevelves)

Government

Unable to govern such a disparate collection of societies, the Council of Elves which had been becoming increasingly ineffectual and vestigial, eventually was dissolved entirely, which worked fine all the way up until the Unlight War. Spotting a need to once again put forth a united front the The Reunified Elfish Council of Elven Factions was formed.

Pantheon

• LL’Chomber - Lord of the Elves, King of the Elf Pantheon

• Merri’llmnbar - Lady of the Dance, also Matron of Ice, Queen of the Elf Pantheon

• Logok - Interestingly, a god depicted as distinctly Dwarven, Lord of Muck and Undesirable Things

• Holl’onnianya - Goddess of Might and Magicke, Guardian of the Olde Wayes

• Orl’llln - God of History and Song

Epic

Back to Elements | Back to Com-plete List of Elements

Disambiguation: Do not confuse Epic with Epicness, which pertains to the written quality of the ELotH world.

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This is the other of the first Ur-urelements, along with Voidnes, Timenes and Spacenes, that permeate all of creation and some of what is beyond. This is a difficult element to classify but it is commonly held wisdom that while you cannot describe it you will always recognize it when you see it. (Or, in some sad cases, are crushed under its booted heel). Epic doesn’t need a symbol. It’s just that cool.

Epic is also sometimes referred to as a Meta Element as it can be incorporated into other elements: for example, an Epic-Fire Blast is a far more terrible thing than the standard Elemenstor Spell “Fire Blast”. The band Faith No More released a song entitled “Epic” at about the same time as the release of Elemenstor Battles. It is clear from the lyrics that they were inspired by this Ur-urelement, presumably from pre-release leakage or promotional material. Epic is often known for its close relation to the psuedo-element of mysterious.

Epic Hierarch Monthly

A very attractive and high profile ELotH:TES magazine which had a monthly run from August 1999 to Feb 2005, when production suddenly halted (no suitable explaination was made public).

Notable Issues

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Premier Issue #1: “Ready or not! Here comes ElamenSTAR!”

The feature story for this premier issue was all about the excitement surrounding the fact that ElamenSTAR had been picked up for US Distribution. At the time the fan community was enthralled with the idea of a US translation, and rumors were rampant that episodes had been revamped in order to make them “even more canonical”. Of course the issue was put together in June of 1999 when the term “Wizbit” hadn’t even entered anyone’s lexicon as anything but a number of bizarre video games. Going back and reading this issue’s trusting innocence is a little bit humorous, and a little bit sad.

Epic Legends Of The Hier-archs: The Elemenstor Saga, as read by James Earl Jones

James Earl Jones is set to bring his voice to the beloved series beginning in Summer 2006. Three audio books will be released each year on DVD and tape, and will retail for 29.95 each. Each book will be somewhere between five and six hours of listening, and will be slightly abridged for the audio series. Fan reaction to this prospect has been mixed. Few doubt that Jones will be able to accurately capture the Elemenstor Saga’s intrinsic epicness during its early volumes, but more contentious is how he can possibly do justice to Book 10, which contains substantial quantities of French, Latin, Hebrew, Aramaic, Wookiee Shyriiwook and Morse Code, and which many believe can never be accurately rendered in audio form. Even more unclear is how Jones - indeed, any narrator - can hope to deal with chapter twelve of Book 13, which consists entirely of semicolons and spaces.

I know a friend who ran into somebody in a chat room that had a brother working on the audio book production, and from what I

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heard, the fans are going to be pleasantly surprised by how they treat Book 10 and Book 13. -tim

Epic Wolf Men of Mount Wor

A race of humans who were raised by wolves but then got in touch with their True Human roots allowing them to become incredible warriors in a very epic manner. The most famous of the Epic Wolf Men of Mount Wor is easily Knight Moon Roar, a reccuring character in ElamenSTAR (and, therefore, in the Wizbits children’s show). His first appearance was episode 116, A Hairy Escape: The Wolf-man is Revealed!. It is hinted that he is some relation to Lord Silvermane Snarlsnout who made an appearance in Book 11. The king of the Epic Wolf Men of Mount Wor, King Night Claw has featured in the Wizbits childrens show too. He is one of the guests at the pub in the episode: Professor Dervmont’s Big Date! Fanart: Yellow Fang, the Epic Wolf Man of Mount Wor who appeared in ElamenSTAR:

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Epicness

Disambiguation: Do not confuse Epicness with Epic, which is one of the primal Ur-Elements.

Epicness. It is a quality which surpasses all others, a principle which cannot be distorted, a god to which all men must bow down. Look at these green-speckled lands, the dew glistening like diamonds and the sun’s golden rays trailing glory from the Summit of The Skies. Vast and sweeping are its landscapes; grand are its heroes and dastardly its villains. Its swords glimmer as they dance through the air and the blood of men and gods runs red, a deep and lustrous hue. Shed no tears for those who have fallen, young vixen! Another day will come; we must remember that the sun will rise again! Look upon these lands and tremble, cowards and creatures of the darkness, you swollen pustules on the face of the dawn. These lands are not yours to conquer, for they belong to the mighty men of valor who would die in its name! Even if they perish, and perish many shall, their memory will never be forgotten. Many more will rise in their stead. They shall ride out with fury to cut you down like the beasts you are, and they shall cry out the name of epicness as your blood mixes with dust and you return, dead, to the earth.

Eulithian Resonance Vector

The theory of Eulithian Resonance Vectrocity holds that the Hierarchs are ageless, and as such are as young as tomorrow and as old as the future. This leads many to believe that the Hierarchs may in fact be Elemenstors from the future who, after calculating their own eulitihian resonance vectors, became independent of Timenes and thus were forced to create the universe, beginning with The Four Vales and the Starborn Gem. Obviously, due to such meddling in the normal flow of time, there are bound to be quirks in the ELotH:TES timeline, such as Ubziz Forelock the barber and The Glaivemistresses of Arvallyon.

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Put forth by the Life Elemenstor Eulith in the year 85,921, the theory became rooted in time. The past caught up with him, and Eulith ceased to exist when... oh, are you really getting this? I’m not either. Every budding Elemenstor absolutely dreads taking ERV 101 at the Cerulean Citadel. It is taught by the high Elemanifestation Gromruffle the Understated. Taking notes during a lecture from a being existing simultaneously at all points in time is quite hard and this is consid-ered to be the “Elemeshman Flunk-Me” course.

Evilnors

There is almost no information in the books available about the servants of Xoxor Xxar. A few passages in Book 3 describe them merely as “beings of such unspeakable depravity that to breathe the same air as them has led men to orgies of murder and destruction.” Some other information about the Evilnors comes from a convention appearance by Tycho Brahe. When asked about the appearance and nature of the Evilnors Brahe is recorded as saying:

You wanna know how evil the Evilnors are? I’ll tell you how evil the Evilnors are. The Evilnors are so godamned evil they’d make goddamned Cthulu run sobbing back to his goddamned Mommy, that’s how evil they are!

Fans still debate if this outburst, from the EleCon in 1997, should be considered canonical, as this also corresponds to Brahe’s infamous drinking and pill binge. Many present report that Brahe was not only inebriated but had actually filled several two-liter bottles with a mixture of Percocet, Captain Morgan, and rubbing alcohol, which he consumed constantly during his various panel appearances.

Evilnor Concept Art

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Kingdom of Ezermethalon

Location

The Kingdom of Ezermethalon is located along the nothern coast of The Shield, and bordered by Terle and Farnvania. The Kingdom formed some time during the long period of relative stability that fell between the end of The Wandering Age and the end of the Magic Sword Kings Period in year 9473. The first capital city of Ferngrav-ellia was decimated when the nation was conquered in year 9150 by Yar the Sorcerial. The capital of Ezermethalon is currently New Capitol City, even though by the time of the Elemenstor Cycle, the city was quite ancient.

Geography

Places

Institute Of Accoutermentia Ezermethalonian Museum of Notable Furniture

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Notable Ezermethalonians

• Felthar the Moderately Handsome/Darkly Mysteri-ous/Frequently Described

• Grim Paperpush, Head Bureau-crat of Ezermethalon

• Gorg Stinkrot

• King Dorc the Incontinent

• King Drongor the Unexpected, Son of Dorc the Incontinent

• King Handerlang the Overly Strict

• Serafina Haberdasheron

Notable Ezermethalonian Events

• Ezermethalon Under 19’s Wet T-Shirt Contest

Ezermethalonian Organisations

• The Chair Brigade

ELotH:TES Canon

Ezermathalon is the setting of Book 5 and Book 6 of The Elemenstor Cycle.

FaeriWraithe Lands

The fantastical astral netherworld of the FaeriWraithe that the Troughberrys travel through in Book 2. Here they pass Darkrend Mountain and the author devotes 6 pages to a graphic description of the Buxom Succubi of Darkrend Mountain, which

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although having no bearing on the plot, has been excellent fodder for many adult fanfics written since. They also traveled through the Chrome Garden, where they met an enchanted man made of metal named Otto Chromo the caretaker.

Familiar

Elemenstors sometimes use people or animals as their magical companions, as opposed to the more popular choice of Furniliar.

Examples include

• Turnum a Smug Ape See Also: Ferniliars

Fanged Vole-Guard

Vicious, giant voles with fangs. They guard the mountain pass Alake’l against intruders, eating any who come without the approval of their Fanged Vole-Lord. Fanged Vole-Guards have a sixth sense that allows them to determine if those who are approaching are aware of the vole-guard’s presence. This allows them to coordinate suprise attacks that leave their victims with almost no time to retaliate before they are viciously eaten.

Farnvania

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The initial name of the Lands of Va, and a gigantic sign was con-structed to celebrate the foundation of this kingdom. Unfortunately Farnvania was very geologically active and it turns out that only the portions of land upon which the gigantic “V” and the gigantic “A” stood were stable, the other letters were gone within a week. The kingdom soon came to be known by the two remaining letters and the giant “VA” can still be seen when passing into the lands from Terle.

Felthar the Moderately Hand-some

Also known as Felthar the Darkly Mysterious, which also earned him the nickname Felthar the Frequently Described.

“Just because some end table got loose, that doesn’t mean that I have to help you,” Felthar growled. The Bureau-crat frowned and shuffled the papers around his desk. “Not an end table, Mr. Felthar. A Nightstand.”—from The Elemenstor Cycle: Nightstand’s Peril (Book 6)

The Early Years

Felthar was born a slave and seperated from his parents at a very early age. He was sold to a JestHause and ended up working as the coat-check slave. One night, he checked the coat of an Elemenstor. Rummaging through the pockets he found a copy of An Elementary Elemenstory Guide. Before the night was over he had managed to convince a coat-rack to check coats for him. The Elemenstor was so impressed by this when he returned to get his coat that he bought Felthar’s freedom from the JestHause owner. Felthar was brought to

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the Institute Of Accoutermentia and enrolled in the High Elemenstory program.

The School Years

It was years later that as an older, gonsuavier student he foiled the evil Gorg Stinkrot’s plot to steal the legendary Underpants of the Underdeep with the help of Cubby, his cupboard Furniliar, and Serafina Haberdash-eron, a fellow student. Soon after this Felthar was expelled for Transchanting Cubby, which he was not allowed to do yet. (See Book 5)

The After-School Years

Years later Grim Paperpush, the Head Bureau-crat of Ezermethalon, recruited Felthar to stop Gorg Stinkrot yet again. This time Felthar managed to stop a Nightstand from starting a war between Ezermetha-lon and the neigboring land of Terle. He also reunited with Serafina Haberdasheron, who found herself stuck in the clutches of the Chair Brigade. (See Book 6)

The After-After-School Years

After the adventure with the Nightstand, Serafina Haberdasheron and Felthar dated a couple times but never really hit it off. Eventually Felthar created the popular theme restaurant Ham on a Pike, and taking his wealth, moved somewhere far away (see After the After-After-School Years). Despite being at various times both ‘Moder-ately Handsome’ and ‘Darkly Mysterious’, he never married.

After the After-After-School Years (spoiler)

Felthar, now Wisened and Grey, makes a brief but dramatic appearance at the end of Book 7, when Isaac Purcheron, Ark Riven, and Raven Darkblood come knocking at the door to his home, high atop Elddim’s

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Peak. His subsequent return to adventuring leads to his appearance in Book 9, whose action takes place roughly simultaneously as the events of Book 8 (although the two take place in different regions of Battal).

ELotH:TES Canon

Felthar is the hero of Book 5 and Book 6 of The Elemenstor Cycle. Wears The White Shirt of Muscular Appearance on bookcovers.

Fans for a True Tycho Brahe Epic (FfaTTBE)

Fans for a True Tycho Brahe Epic (FfaTTBE) maintain that contrary to popular opinion, their literary hero was removed from his position as author of the wildly popular The Elemenstor Cycle, replaced by a committee of writing hacks after Tycho’s long term narrative plans changed abruptly after Book 3. Supporters of the Single Author Theory take the opposite stance. According to rumour, Tycho had decided to turn the story to this point on its head by “going goth”. Until now, the main antagonist, Char Reyarteb was to become the focus of the series. Later books were to explore the world of emotional suffering endured by this stoic figure as he grappled with the loss of his humanity in the face of the overwhelming temptations of power. FfaTTBE proponents claim that the marketing team at Underhere Publishing went into apopolexy when informed of this change in direction and quietly removed Tycho from his status as author in favour of milking the series for every-thing it was worth. The FfaTTBE has recently turned away from it’s militant path, going so far as to end their Epic Jyhad against Jerry Holkins. Holkins has not yet come out of hiding, claiming that the FfaTTBE is a bunch of “big fat liars.” Strangely enough, the producer of the cartoon series, James Langomedes

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may have had some knowledge about this, as he may or may not have revealed in a rare televised interview.

Finkfru

The oldest city built by Low-Elves. A memorial statue has been erected at the site where the Incident at Finkfru took place.

Finnish “Translation”

The Finnish “translations” of the ELotH:TES are a source of great interest to a few Braheists who insist that Brahe actually wrote several original volumes in Finnish to escape the meddling influence of censors and his publishers. Their argument rests largely on three points: (1) Brahe is shown with his arm around the Finnish exchange student, Eveliina Häkkinen, twice in his High School Yearbook, leading to speculation that he learned Finnish and may have gone into hiding in Finland. While he may not be hiding there today, Brahe is known to have visited Häkkinen at the University of Kuopio on several occasions during the late 90s. Häkkinen herself is a tenured professor at Kuopio, specializing in the narrative structure and rhetoric of myth. She is among the foremost exponents of the concept of Epicness. She frequently cites the Elemenstor saga obliquely in her own writings, suggesting that she is both intimately familiar with them and also intentionally trying to keep them at a distance. (2) Some of the Finnish “translations” appear to pre-date their American issue. Furthermore, the Finnish version of Book 10 omits the Shyriiwook phrases and instead uses a highly plausible form of Proto-Uralic,

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which may in turn be an homage to the culture that would eventually produce the Kalevala and modern Finnish languages. (3) The Finnish volumes are said to be far more cohesive in parts, especially toward the end of the series. This is particularly true of the Hierarch Wars, generally recognized by fans of the series as the most complex and challenging (and reward-ing!) part of the cycle. Even the Finnish version of Book 5 is uneven and bland, but it is still far superior to the English-language version of that same book. Notable also is the absence of a pre-dated Finnish version of the 13th volume, adding weight to the argument that the entire Hierarch Wars were concieved of in their entirety in Finnish initially. There are, furthermore, countless allusions to subjects that Finnish audiences would immediately recognize: The Winter and Lapland Wars, the Lapua Movement, and “Perkele”—veiled references to these permeate the various books. See Book 11 for some examples.

Does anyone here know enough Finnish to investigate these claims and complete this article?

I was first introduced to ELotH:TES in the Finnish version. I was under the impression that it was second only to the Kalevala as great Finnish literature, thinking that Brahe sat with Sibellius as a great Finnish contributors to the arts. I remember being struck by the development of Brahe’s style and voice over the course of the series. After first reading the Finnish, the end of the series as put forth in the English version seems a poorly remembered paraphrase of the elegant - nay, Epic - saga I had come to love.

I attributed his clumsiness in the first few books to Brahe finding his voice, but perhaps those first few books are clumsily translated from original English texts. It is quite evident to anyone who has read the Finnish that, starting with Book 10, the English versions pale in comparison. Perhaps Brahe switched languages after his misguided

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decision to allow co-authoring on Book 9. At any rate, I doubt that Brahe authorized the English translations, and believe that they were simply commissioned by fans of the series.

To be taught Finnish by an exchange student, and to grasp it with such style and vigor, Brahe must be a linguistic genious. I spent two years studying the language, immersed in it while I lived in Kuopio, Hyvinkää, Pori, and Oulu, and do not have the power to wield it with Brahe’s elegance. In fact, I only became able to appreciate Brahe’s brilliant use of Finnish after arduously studying his works, and comparing to the mangled English. He uses local dialects to add flavor to his characters. Rereading Book 10 while I lived in Kuopio I realized that much of Guddboy Lad’s indecipherable speech is in fact simply presented in the Savolainen dialect, which fact the translators to the English missed entirely. It is sad to see this well-developed and well-spoken character presented as a raving madman due to mistrans-lation. -Masennus

Fire

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Fire is one of the basic four elements of creation, and thus of High Elemensta-tion. It represents rage, heat, light, red and yellow things, destruction, violence and game shows. Its symbol in the CCG is the Fireball.

Fire is represented symbolically in the Weighty Tome of Elemenstor by arguing married couples. Fire Elemanifestations can summon battle minions, but mainly they just blow stuff up. Fire-aligned creatures tend to have good reflexes, a weak defense and an uncontrollable attitude. Also they kick ass against trees. A Fire Elemenstor is also known as a Hotblood. Fire is by far the most popular variety of Elemenstation. It is said that most Elemenstors want to be Fire Elemenstors, but can’t get into the schools either due to over crowding or lack of knack. Of course Earth, Water, and Air Elemenstors vehemently deny this. A little too vehemently.

is the ancient character the Hierarchs used for writing the word Fire. It is often woven into the clothes of Fire Elemenstors, or printed in their magical items. The character is part of the typeface used in printing the Elemenstor Cycle books and often appears in place of the word fire when referring to Fire Elemenstation. Related

• Elements

• Air

• Water o Ice

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o White Water

• Fire

• Earth

• Heart (Debated)

• Life

• Death

• Stream

• Carry

• The Four Vales

Forged by the unfortunately prolific forger of enchanted rings and axes of questionable quality, Floapy Exadnagnir Unfortunately Floapy’s Powerful Forcefield Ring of Invisibility’s powers are active all of the time, and so, any furniture it is placed on turns invisible, causing many a severely bruised shin and startled Elemenstor. The ring’s forcefield properties make grabbing the ring much like trying to pick up richly latherous soap. Resultantly, no one has ever worn the ring. In Book 5 it was placed on top of a donkey cart to smuggle it passed the Fanged Vole-Guard. The donkey was still visible and as such did not survive the encounter. The cargo of undergarments did, to the relief of many mendicants.

Fonard

Fonard was the heir of King Ronard and one of last of the Magic Sword Kings. His reign was largely unremarkable up until this point of his being mortally wounded at precisely The Longest Moment during a game of dwarfball. Following Fonard’s death, his 37 sons fought amongst each other until only one, Julipon, survived and became the next Magic Sword King. sons: Julipon Demipon Lavapon

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The Forests of Misery

The Forests of Misery exist on a the dark lower half of The Sickle, and is generally a place where one should not go. The trees that grow there grow only by the Unlight of the Hidden Moon, and it is the home of the Soulferic Bats, a species of bats who feed not on blood or bugs, but on the very souls of travellers who happen to wander too near the forests. Needless to say, very few people go there. Those who do are normally on a quest for elendendium, an essential element used in the creation of a Battlestaff, which can be easily found in small deposits at the base of the trees. Gathering enough for a staff, though, is quite a task indeed. The Forests of Misery make a brief appearance in ElamenSTAR during the prolonged flashback sequence known as “The Memory That Would Not Die” by fans in the know. In the dark center of the Forests of Misery there is an overgrown clearing. In the center stands a shining portgate portal which leads to the cavern of portgate portals. Adventurers unfortunate enough to travel this deep into the dark forest have passed through this portal, hoping to escape the misery, only to find themselves transported to the Chasm of Eternal Sorrow.

The Legendary Four Plaster Shards

Originally making up a single enchanted plaster disk known as The Grahtmin Disk, it was split when a young accolyte (who really shouldn’t have been handling The Grahtmin Disk in the first place, but was only moving it to dust the pedistal) careless knocked it onto the floor.

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Each plaster shard absorbed a difference piece of the enchantment when the disk was broken. It is rumored that the accolyte also absorbed a part of the enchantment, but he was summarily dismissed when found trying to glue the disk back together in the antechamber. The Four Plaster Shards:

• The Gromaric Shard: Enhances Earth Elemenstation. It is said that house plants near the Gromaric Shard reach Epic size.

• The Dowsic Shard: Enhances Water Elemenstation. It is said that a storm cloud follows the Dowsic Shard, appearing each evening at dusk.

• The Blayzic Shard: Enhances Fire Elemenstation. It is said that a hot meal placed on the Blayzic shard will never grow cold.

• The Gustavin Shard: Enhances Air Elemenstation. It is said that this one can fly a kite holding this shard, even on the stillest of days.

The shards are mentioned in Book 8.

The Four Underdogs

The Four Underdogs were the group of four youths (Lander Phoenixsong, Wendell Blunder, Myrtle Breakwind, and Fantasmaphila), who, with the aid of Aklom Reklats and the Ocumen, defeated and destroyed Char Reyarteb and saved Battal. The story of the decisive victory of the Four Underdogs over Char Reyarteb is cataloged in Elemenstor Radio Dramas produced for BBC Radio by Robert Hungford. Confusion among the fans is often caused by the mention of an attempt at ending the reign of Char Reyarteb, to which 3 paragraphs were devoted in the final chapter of Book 4, but this was not the successful attempt. After many adventures, the Four Underdogs go on to found the Cerulean Citadel.

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Not yet described are the relationships with their familiars (or furniliars)

The Four Underdogs didn’t have furniliars, The Wizbits did.

They do have familiars though, as depicted in ElamenSTAR, although I think that they lose them by the fourth season. Can’t remember what the justification was. I think that the descriptions of each of the underdogs should be modified to reflect the brainman-glement and time effects, and what the results of this were for each of the kids. Pretty sure that info is spread around the wiki, but not collected on the character pages. -Tim

Free Furniliars

A Free Furniliar is a Furniliar who has been freed, one way or another, from its creator. Many Free Furniliars, or Furni-Pated, as they often call themselves (“’Furniliar’ is a slave name”), claim to have created themselves from sheer act of will. This is basically impossible*, though it is concievable, if unlikely, that a furniliar might be created unintentionally by an Elemenstor, during, say, a pitched battle or an extended drinking spree. But basically, all of them are lying. The vast majority of the Furni-pated are Furniliars whose masters predeceased them. Given the dangers of the Elemenstoring life, this is less than surprising. Others are Furniliars who took matters into their own hands and slew their own creators. This terrible act is whispered of among Furniliars free and owned alike with shivers of fear and excitement. Finally there are the Bathtub Furniliars, whose freedom (we learn in Book 11) is an immediate effect of the Tran-schanting process; however, in this final case, that freedom is heavily mitigated by the diminished mental and emotional capacities that are also the hallmark of Bathtub Furniliars.

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Some Free Furniliars congregate in wild areas to form communities where they can live not-technically-speaking-lives in their own way. Here, adherents of Furniturism preach, calling on the Free Furniliars to rise up and seize the mantle of the ancient Furniture, the greatest of the Most Discerning Races. Only then, they claim, can Battal be rejoined under the rule of the wise Furniture. Such nonsense can lead nowhere, of course. The most famous of all free furnillars was Osmond the Ottoman who formed the Ottoman Empire, the first and last free furnillar state. Some organizations, such as the Item Law Makers Guild, have started hiring Free Furniliars as messengers, file clerks, and, in the case of large pieces, enforcers. *How could they will their own will into existence unless they already had a will? It’s that whole “X cannot exist until X already exists” sort of thing, see? See Timenes Also see: Jonathan the Singing Throne of Startokfenliazane, Simon the Severe

Fregor the Untruthful

Fregor the Untruthful is one of the more interesting characters to inhabit the ELotH:TES world. He is most famous for his appear-ances in The Wizbits series, where he acted as a wandering liar, only entering the show when the heros needed to be lied to in order to advance the plot. In truth he is a deep and complex character who often tries to do what he sees as the right thing. His attempts at doing so are often thwarted by his lies. This inabilty to tell the truth is partially what has made him an enemy of all good folk. One explanation of how he came to be untruthful is that as a young child he swallowed a shard of Hooey pottery. In responce to this Tycho Brahe is reported to have said, “Nah, he’s just fucking nuts” though this cannot be confirmed.

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Although he is considered unpleasant in the extreme by most who know him, he is never seen without his trusty companion, Gorsald the Pedantic. This duo was originally used as comedy relief in Books 1 through 13 but are rumored to play a greater part in Book 14. His name is also sometimes written as Freyor, if only as a joke (also they are pronounced the same).

Fumias Humblor

Fumias Humblor is an historian from southern Mandleclang who lived in an unspecified time period. His/her entire mention in canon is Verse 8160 of Book 10:

In sudis Mandleclangis Fumias Humblor schreiben sie ”The Moor in time was its own unto? We have seen the small supersumed.”

Most people translate this to mean that Fumias Humblor was wondering whether Pizzlemoore (‘The Moor’) was a kingdom unto itself in the past, and was eventually absorbed into Mandlelcang. It is worth noting that the narrative, verse, and linguistic structure of Book 10 begin to deteriorate very rapidly in the early 8000s, and the context of this mention of Humblor and his/her theory is almost entirely indecipherable. It is also not known as to whether Humblor, if s/he ever existed, actually wrote in freeform verse or in prose like most historians. It would be interesting, historiographically speaking, to resolve that question, as well as when Humblor lived, if ever.

Furniliar

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When the incarnations of an Elemenstor’s rubian jewel are of a decidedly household nature—especially those that really tie the chamber together—they are referred to as ‘Furniliars.’ A most famous example is that of Cubby, or Cubbert P. Oakwood, the Furniliar of Felthar the Moderately Handsome. Elemenstor incarnations, or magical companions that are not so previously inanimate are referred to as familiars. The process of creating a Furniliar is called Transchanting. Ultimately a quiet brotherhood of “Enchanted Carpenters” and “Enchanted Alchemical Joiners” called The Quiet Brotherhood of Enchanted Carpenters and Associated Crafts appeared in a book titled Broken Stool: Alchemical Boogaloo. The Group of Enchanted Carpenters revealed in this book were adept at creating and repairing Furniliars at discount prices. The action concerned a regional union of wizened magical craftsmen called QBECAC Local 4223. Particularly a Second Level Enchanted Alchemical Joiner by the name of Lord Scranton Stuffle-beam. The book was mysteriously met with fervent resistance by the ELotH:TES readership. See also: Ferniliars, Furniture, Ambulatory Dressers, Free Furniliars, Twisted Furniliars, Dark Furniliars

ELotH:TES Canon

Furniliars are integral to the ELotH:TES saga, and as such appear throughout The Elemenstor Cycle Novels, in the Wizbits Elemenstor Battle CCG, in The Wizbits TV series, and in many Fan Fiction works. The most heatedly disputed in all of the saga is, of course, Simon the Severe, mainly because there is debate over whether one can perform Transchanting on oneself.

Merchandise

There is quite a large line of Furniliar Replicas available to fit most budgets.

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Furry People

A race of humanoids who are covered in a thick, shaggy fur of either bright red, or brilliant blue. They all have giant (some might say googly) eyes, their pupils merely tiny black dots. They have no teeth to speak of, but merely giant black gaping maws. Some mistakenly assume that they were named Furry People because they are in fact furry, but this is actually just a mistranscrip-tion of their true original given name of the Fury People, called such because of their extremely short tempers and proclivity for flying into manic rages. In the grassland villages of the Furry People it is rare to find intact furniture, as this is the first thing to get smashed. As a result, Furniliars that pass through their midst need be particularly circum-spect.

Don’t you hear them Felthar? Don’t you hear the Furry People? Don’t you hear their drumming across the plains; that maniacal animalistic drumming! The furious rhythm carried over the vast spaces of the savannah. Twisted weirdly by the neverending wind- first seeming so horribly near... then in an instant... so unimaginably far.—Elspeth the Plainsrunner to Felthar in Book 6, Nightstand’s Peril

Gabe

Gabe is a mysterious enigma whose name appears occasionally in communication with author Tycho Brahe, usually in a negative context and frequently when he is intoxicated. His most noticeable appear-

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ance was on a hit list in The Temptations of the Bix the End Table, and other tales. It’s impossible to know who this “Gabe” really is, particu-larly because information on the author himself is so hard to come by. Interesting theories abound as to the identity of Gabe, but the author as good as refuses to discuss him while sober enough to make any sense. Popular theories include:

• He is (or represents) a rejected character not used in the series.

• He is actually an alternate identity of Brahe and is a self-representation of a dark side and thoughts of suicide.

• He is a personification of Brahe’s doorknob, an inspiration for many of the series’ heroic furniture characters.

• He is a small scrap of paper with completely meaningless gibberish scrawled on it, found in a bathroom in the cellar of a planning office with no stairs or lights in the basement, just behind a demolition notice for somebody’s house. Pro-ponents of this theory tend to have a lot of trouble explain-ing how Brahe might have found this paper, or, indeed that the paper even exists. It’s not even a very popular theory anyways.

• Recent transcribing of The Story That Is Built One Sentence At a Time By Those That Read It, has given us more information on the character Gabe. In this, Gabe is a Tribbit and a Muck-sucker in The Dank and favored by Duke Alfamarma, the ugli-est, nastiest, fattest Dooblegnard Horatio had ever seen. It can only be assumed that there is some connection between this named character and the enigmatic Gabe of Tycho Brahe’s real world life.

Gavment Rayling

Gavment Rayling is the short, endearingly nervous, protagonist of Book 3 (widely considered the best of the entire cycle) and Book 4. He starts as an apprentice Fire Elemenstor who sets out with some friends (High Culimancer Bertrick, among others) to acquire the Rubion

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Sword, but in the next book, he’s grown old and, frankly, annoying. His constant drinking delays the start of the quest for half of the book, but after some prodding by his niece Steppy, he finally dons his signature big blue hat and oversized green long coat with the cuffs rolled up and manages to feature prominently in the final battle. Gavment clearly holds an important place in Elemenstor history, being the only person to wield both the Bag of the Endless Void and the Bag of the Not-so-Endless Void at the same time, as well as, you know, being the protagonist of books that were early enough in the cycle to actually be pretty good. He saved the Ssskssenek’s home. He’s really very important. It is therefore odd that he’s been relatively unpopular in terms of merchandise. There was the limited-edition marble bust, but at four feet high, it was too large for most people. Aside from that, Gavment has really been underappreciated by the various toy manufacturers. Even High Culimancer Bertrick, one of his companions from Book 3, has a whole line of Easy-Bake Culimancery Sets. There is more to this situation than meets the eye.

Fan Art

By Jackson:

By Rhok:

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Gem Flecks

Gem Flecks are the commonly used currency of Ezermethalon.

Origins

The initial value of the Gem Fleck was determined by putting an Elemenstor on one side of a large scales and then a bag of gem flecks on the other. When the sides were balanced up, the gem flecks were said to be worth half the value of the most expensive furniture enchanted by the Elemenstor. This practice was confusing and eventually gave rise to the Ezermethan saying “worth half your weight in gem flecks.” Many economists have risked their lives by question-ing the semantic phrasing of this saying. This was especially true after the “Smart Ass Act” enacted by Handerlang the Overly Strict following a lordly constitutional to a local JestHause. Gem flecks can often be found in the Sw’ftfl’w River.

Gespechio

Note: Gespechio is not to be confused with its progenitor Gespeshio, the elemanifestation.

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General

Creator of the clay and wooden men the Ecreekem, who drew them forth from the Plains of Estereem. Gespechio is commonly depicted as a large man dancing and wearing an overly large hat, helmet or vizor. From his Marvelous Fanny Pack of Many Colors, he could draw all manner of tenderized victuals and curative ointments (for inorganic lifeforms), such as Linseed Oil Droplets and Heavily Lacquered Brownies. These are not to be confused with the humorless and posture-obsessed Lacqured Browniefolk. Gespechio is frequenltly shown holding a flute and standing on one foot or leaping through the air. Contemporary interpretative dance troupe Pappa Tarahumara captured the surprisingly graceful essence of the figure in their children’s piece Ecreekem Dream, which delighted, confused and put countless children to sleep. It is rumored that the Cirque de Soleil was planning a touring act called Gesspechiko! until Realmworlds threatened legal action.

Actually, legal action has been taken against Cirque du Soleil™, but we at Realmworlds Publishing cannot currently comment on the counter-suit because of said pending lawsuit.—Tyge Ottesen Realm-worlds Publishing Legal Intern

The Story of Gespechio

And down came Gespechio from the Summit of The Skies, wrapped in the sun’s glory. He was but a child gifted with the spark of creation, gifted with the ability to make alive that which was dead and broken. To the plains of Estereem he looked, and there he fashioned creatures out of dry wood and clay and gave to them the gift of life. He called them Ecreekem, and they

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were blessed by his presence. (Elemenstor 3:3)

The only information about Gespechio’s childhood suggests that it was an unhappy one. His terrifying, thousand-armed sister of death Kalechio appears to have mercilessly mocked him for his gentle nature and love of dolls, as indicated in the flavor text for the card Gespechio’s Shout:

Gespeshioooo, Kalechio bit the heads off of my Ecreekem and fashioned them into a belt with which to terrify mortals again! ~ The Young Gespechio

The story of Gespechio’s ultimate destruction is found in the extremely challenging chapter entitled the “Feuilliton of Remem-brencestation” in Book 10, pages 347 to 419. To summarize: in time, the affection that the Ecreekem felt for Gespechio developed into ceremonial worship called Gespechianism. In the first phase, lasting thousands of years, they danced with Gespechio himself, or danced around a statue of him. They then trimmed either his fingernails or mock fingernails on the statues and pretended to eat them. Eventu-ally, the dancing was eliminated and was replaced by a prolonged “fingernail ritual” lasting up to 333 Elim. The Hierarchs took issue with none of this. However, after thousands of years of somnambu-lent ceremonies, the Ecreekem and Gespechio began to tire of the practice. Gespechio retreated into his workshop, where he attempted to fashion a new race of beings out of sleds. Meanwhile, attendence at fingernail rituals steadily declined. Some Ecreek reformers attempted to repopularize the ceremony by enlivening them with currents from Ecreekem popular culture, notably a form of highly emotive Ecreek Polkapop that was all the rage at the time. This enraged the Hierarchs, who declared:

Lo, what is that jangling, that hipping and hopping and boomping and bomping wafting from the plains of the Ecreekem, awakening us from our slumber? Fetch for us our smiting sticks! (Weighty Tome of Elemenstor (12:3-4). Cited in Book 10 p. 355

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Gespechio did not fare well in the ensuing smiting.

Gimba

Gimba is the principal lady of Terle, and as such, is the first female Terleian. Her duties are many, and, as many things related to Terle are, very confusing. She is the public face of Terle, and represents Terleians wherever they need representing. Because Terle, and to a greater extent Terleians, is such a confusing and misunderstood concept, much of her time is spent figuring out in what capacity she is supposed to act. Gimba spends almost every day confused, and generally ends up wandering around, acting genial to anyone who isn’t a peasant. Doric is the knight of the lady of Terle, and as such is Gimba’s knight.

The Ginormous Soul

The Ginormous Soul is the sum total essence of all Elemanifestations, whose individual manifestations are referred to as Allsouls. It is at the same time discorporate and yet traces of it are physically embodied in the Meecetrails of Vadimian Cliff (the highest peak in the Vadime Depths). The Vadime Disciples who worship the soul claim that it flows through and passively controls all unconscious actions, existing in all dimensions at once.

It is rumored to have originated when Harbinger Portent summoned the entire Elemantheon, calling simultaneously on the powers of the Elemanifestations associated with every facet of the Starborn Gem. It is written that this is the manner in which The Sundering was partially undone in The Unsundering, reuniting the Shield and Sickle, but failing to extend unsunderation to the Cataclysmic Bluont. This was not a

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failure of effort or power, but rather a lack of perception—as Harbinger Portent was unaware of this third Sundered Bluont from the Eldritch Rift. It is widely acknowledged that should the legends of the Ginormous Soul be true, it would have been a trifle to Unsunder the realm of the Willestrian society beyond the rift.

Canonical doubts about the historical existence of the Ginormous Soul revolve around the “if it’s so great, why didn’t it do ...” argu-ment. True believers in the Elemenstor Saga dismiss this with the widely-referenced Ginormous Lack of Wanting To, a higher-plane analog of laziness that mere mortals can never hope to comprehend. While we cannot know the immense, multifaceted mind of the Ginormous Soul, it is clear that while Harbinger Portent did not know of the Cataclysmic Bluont, the Soul surely did, and its lack of intervention to complete The Unsundering was almost certainly just a Ginormous Lack of Wanting To.

Oddly, although the Ginormous Soul has all the collective knowledge and power of its smaller Allsouls, most Elemanifestations carry no knowledge of it themselves. Even more oddly, the concept of a larger soul that knows all and sees all is generally considered to be a load of Hooey by most Elemanifestations, who (since they almost always meet their maker) tend to think of their animation as having to do more with science than faith.

Gladiatingor

A Gladiatingor is a player of the sport of Manslaughtering, also known in certain parts of the Sickle as Gladiating.

Glaive

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1. A specialized sword. (For more information, please see the The Well Remembered, But Not Well Regarded Glaive entry.) 2. A musical instrument roughly resembling a French horn. It can be used as a weapon in times of emergency, but only if the situation is truly dire.

Glaivemistress

A refined female who is learned in the use of the the glaive.

Glaivemistress of Arvalyyon

A Glaivemistress of Arvalyyon. She appears from the future in Book 13 to set right all the evils of Battal. Although well meaning, she is unprepared for the challenges involved, particularly because the kingdom from which she comes is untouched by war and she is unfamiliar with its horrors. Fan Art

Goats and Silver

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Common barter item among the well to do. Goats being good eatings and silver being nice and shiny. see Currency and Trade

Gorg Stinkrot

“Unhand her!”, muttered Felthar parsimoniously. ”Never” boomed Gorg. “She is mine for all eternity! She will wear the Forbidden Handbag and the Slippers of Impunity! She will be my bride!”—Book 5

Gorg Stinkrot was an evil Ezermethalonian Elemenstor active during the Later Furniture Renaissance. Among his many crimes, Gorg attempted to undercover the evil and smelliferous Underpants of the Underdeep (see Book 5), and brought to life a deadly Nightstand, almost causing a war in the process (see Book 6). Gorg ultimately met his end at the hands of Borold Gravelsnot III, who doused him liberally with the last of the remaining Ornamental Dishwashing Liquid, then pressed “Rinse”. Gorg Stinkrot’s sidekick, the Coded Black Potten, is also implicated in Gorg’s all-too-timely death. Some sources believe that the Coded Black Potten was actually a Chaos Sloth Ninja in disguise, although there is little evidence to support this conjecture. Gorg was an alumnus of the Institute Of Accoutermentia, where he was several years ahead of Felthar, and in the house of Slobodan. It is considered likely by many that Gorg Stinkrot was actually a member of the secret and mysterious Keepers of the Forbidden Handbag, and that much of his evil lore remains enshrined in their sacred Money Pocket to this day. The reference in the above excerpt to the Slippers of Impunity has been the subject of heated debate, with most readers agreeing that they are a sly reference to the moccasins worn by Gavment Rayling in Book 4, and a vocal minority claiming that they are

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in fact the bedroom footwear of Zenethir Foulblade himself, granted special powers through their long contact with him. Given the light-hearted and manic nature of the narrative of Book 5, some readers initially argued that Gorg was not actually evil at all, but rather just misunderstood. There was little support for this point of view, and it would probably have remained so, were it not for an interesting discovery. Some in the ELotH:TES fan community found (accidentally it is claimed) that the Gorg Stinkrot action figure had multiple layers of paint. If one carefully scratched away the Underpants of the Underdeep that the Gorg figure is wearing, a second set of underpants is revealed below. This second set has a teddy bear pattern on them. Most ELotH:TES fans discount this ‘evidence’, given that the action figure rights were purchased during Tycho Brahe’s drinking and pill binge. It is also well established by Book 5 that Gorg never found the Underpants of the Underdeep, so for his action figure to be wearing them is considered tenous at best. This debate was eventually put (for the most part) to rest with the publishing of Book 6, wherein Gorg unleashed a Nightstand on the people of Ezermethalon. Some still argue that his first words upon his capture, “I thought it was an end-table,” might not have been a lie, as most people cannot tell the difference between end tables and nightstands. Evil Gorg proponents point out that an Elemenstor of Gorg’s level could never mistake the two. It is agreed by both sides, however, that he was fond of Beef. In recent movie news, Will Farrel is said to be in talks to play this character for an upcoming Lions Gate Films project.

ELotH:TES Canon

Gorg Stinkrot appears in Book 5 and Book 6, where he is killed.

Gorthmaugs

“Behold,” Lord Silvermane breathed, “they ride on

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Mariacheetahs!” The thrum of distant scattering echoed through the treetops. Slivers of silver-twinged fur, shimmering mercury eyes, and steel-covered claws and knuckle-bracers glit through the noonday midnight made by the choked trees. As the din of claws whirled closer, a deep chant fell from the canopy like thunder. ”Down down to Gorthmaug-Town Down, down to Gorthmaug-Town Down, down to Gorthmaug-Town You go, my lads! Ho, ho, my lads!...”

Gorthmaugs are tribal creatures that live in the thickest forest in all The Shield. Each resembles a cross between a gorilla, a wolf, and (in a strange meta-literary moment) Gabe’s mother; they are scrawny and gray-streaked green in color. They often travel alongside their domesticated tree-dwelling subspecie of Mariacheetah, and ride them into battle. Affenlichtbaum is their home, nested in the tangles of the largest trees in the darkest part of the forest. The Gorthmaugs remained hidden from most of Battal until the events of Book 11 transpired. Though they rarely ventured out into the world, they had rough dealings with the Epic Wolf Men of Mount Wor in the past, and although they share a respect for each other, they were nonetheless antagonistic the few times they met. After their final confrontation before the Hierarch Wars, where the Gorthmaugs came out victorious, the Gorthmaugs pledged to their rivals that, should they ever need the Gorthmaugs as allies, they must prove themselves worthy by defeating them in combat. When Char Reyarteb threatened his return in The Hierarch Wars Continue, the Gorthmaugs gathered under the banner of evil. Remembering the old pledge, the Epic Wolf Men sought to turn them against Reyarteb by besting them. The result was an epic chapter-long battle between the Wolf-Men and the Gorthmaugs; though Gorthmaugs lacked proper forges to create traditional weaponry, they exceled at using both Fire and Earth magic to create deadly weapons that catch the sparce sunlight in intimidating glimmers, which they used to disturb and stun the Wolf Men. Further, their nimble and adaptive battle tactics are unrivaled as they

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wielded perhaps the ultimate means of relaying tactics combat, a manner of beat-dependent speech known as The Phon’q. Though the battle is near, the Epic Wolf Men came out the victors, thanks to Mordichai Alamede’s skill at the jingle; he constructed his own carefully-plotted tune to disrupt the communication of the Gorthmaugs, leading them to confusion and defeat. The Gorthmaugs made good on their promise, for the rest of the Hierarch Wars, the Gorthmaugs fought alongside their former rivals, and forged a lasting friendship, even until The Ending Times.

Graha

Graha, one of the twelve realms of The Magic Sword Kings Period, lies in the northeastern part of The Shield. The realm had the distinction of being populated almost solely by highly skilled and trained assassins. The Graha Assassins were so adept in the trades of secrecy, stealth, and subterfuge that visiting dignitaries would often mistakely think that the kingdom was uninhabited. Due to the specialized nature of the populace of Graha, it was uniquely qualified to house the Graha School of Daigon-Taming, where one could be taught means to approach and subdue these skittish creatures. The standing army of Graha stood bravely in the Vampyric Wars, and were one of the last realms standing of the Twelve. Unfortunately, in year 1003, Graha finally fell to the forces of the Vampyre Vhadxi, after Vhadxi personally struck down King Pomcloud in single combat. After the war, there were those who thought that Graha would not recover. But slowly they have rebuild, still hidden from the untrained travellers passing through their lands. Graha Assassins remained among the most highly sought even into The Ending Times, even though the borders of the kingdom were greatly reduced from its largest size during The Magic Sword Kings Period.

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Great Iceberg Sea

The body of water to the north of The Shield. It is basically unnavigable by ship because of the behemoth icebergs which float about, crushing any ships unlucky enough to sail north. In the great Iceberg sea lies the island of Northarbor, home of the famed Ice Princesses of Northarbor. It is said that the Artifact Guild of the Ice Elemenstors exists far to the north, where the icebergs float so dense there one can not see the sea.

Southern Reaches of the Great Iceberg Sea

Grim Paperpush

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Grim Paperpush is the slightly comical but unneringly handsome Head Bureau-crat of the Ezermethalonian Department of Active Furnishings. First appearning in Book 6, Paperpush attempted to aid Drongor the Unexpected by completely revamping the registration process for all Furnishings half a maas or less. Intending it to be a surpise to King Drongor, Paperpush was both befuddled and infuriated when Felthar’s actions unwittingly destroyed both past and future records on small furnishings. In an attempt to gain revenge, Paperpush deregistered the evil Nightstand Felthar was attempting to subdue. This did little, and having exhausted his malevolent streak, Paperpush set about to returning order to the Dept. of Active Furnishings.

ELotH:TES Canon

Grim Paperpush appears in Book 6.

Grimfleur

He had fifteen hands hung in his cloak, old hands and young, masculine and feminine, and half again as many noses. He had donned them all as disguises in one age or another. There were ribbons and circlets, matches and bangtubes, coppers and iron. And owing to the powers that he had wove into its fabric, it was no burden at all. It sat lightly on the shoulders of Grimfleur as he watched the stranger easing down the road. Grimfleur smiled as the man approached, a sight that had only once ever greeted a good deed, and he smirked with a sound that would have set the unusually perceptive dead on edge.—The Rubion Sword, Chapter XIV, opening lines

It is unknown why such a skilled Elemenstor would insist upon making

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his living as a petty criminal. A fan-favorite of many, Grimfleur was a recurring minor villain through many of the saga’s incarnations. It was he who lured Gavment Rayling off the Longest Shortcut with promises of the Infinite Ruby Generator in Book 3. In Book 6, it was he who claimed to be selling one of the Seven Lost Emotions until it was revealed that it was rather a new emotion of his own invention, “rapidance.” It was he who gave the protagonists of Book 7 the constantly changing map to Elddim’s Peak. He takes no less than eight different forms in the Wizbits Elemenstor Battle CCG, and appeared in over twelve episodes of animation (though not always as the villain). It is widely speculated that the heckler in the crowd scene in Book 2 was Grimfleur in disguise, but there is only circumstancial evidence to support this in the text. Those who contend that this is true hail the introduction, in secret, of Grimfleur at that point would not only be a literary masterstroke, but the question is far from settled among ELotH:TES fans. It is later revealed that Grimfleur, already known to be old by his appearance in both the Wizbits and the Elemenstor Cycle, was in fact one of the Second Students of Harbinger Portent. The evolution from a somewhat disenfranchised young man to the crooked but rather petty (unambitious) figure is both believable and expertly nuanced.

Grimgrieve

Also known as “the tiny land that mirth forgot,” Grimgrieve is a province in Grammelgrap, in the northwestern region of The Shield. Knobble, Furniliar of Zuumont, and his desk chair companion (who is not named but is referred to as “silent bob” by the fan base) travel to this land of solemnity in search of fabled Antique Furniliars.

Guddboy Lad

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Thought to be driven insane by seeing the evilest evil in Book 10, Guddboy Lad is presented as speaking only in broken sentences, a battered, unrecognizable raving. Lad was originally a kitchen boy at the Old House of Eyekia Lane. From these humble beginnings, little did he know the rather minor role in the Hierarch Wars fate had in store for him! When Sierra Vanity inherited the old house, Guddboy began to suspect that something wasn’t quite right... in the scrapes that followed, he was driven insane by the malevolent, drifting spirit of Char Reyarteb (who, in the subsequent Book 11 was found to be inhabiting the house’s kitchen doorknob). In between his rantings, ravings, and babblings, Lad somehow found time to woo and marry Sierra Vanity, and fathered the child ‘Ron’ - who, unlike his particularly mundane progenitor, had an Epic Destiny. At the Battle of the Moonlit Banners towards the end of the Hierarch Wars, Sierra Vanity was killed. Lad swore (or gabbled) vengeance, but was killed in a single blast of Dark Elemenstation by Char Reyarteb at the Battle of Freedom’s Peril. Reyarteb was then slain by Ron, who was revealed to be a descendant of the Magic Sword Kings of old. A rather ineffectual character aside from his procreative capabilities, Guddboy proves that just because you’re a kitchen boy doesn’t mean that you’re the One destined to save the land. You may just be good at making soup.

It has been suggested that in the Finnish translation Guddboy Lad is in fact an intelligent and loveable character, and his lunacy in the English is simply a mistranslation of the dialect he spoke in the Finnish.

I recall a thread on alt.fan.elemenstors that was exploring the possibility that Guddboy Lad and the Recliner of Botany might be the same entity—that Guddboy Lad was in fact a furnithrope. I recall there was a lot of heated debate. Did anyone ever come to a decision on that front? I understand, of course, that there’s always a little bit of wishful thinking when an otherwise minor character has a chance to be a little bit more epic. -Shadowtext

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I always liked the intentional (playful?) ambiguity in the text. It’s sort of one of those unanswered questions (like, is Decker a replicant?) that is more fun without an answer. -tim

Guild of Free Traders

The Guild of Free Traders is a puppet organization of the Kingdom of Alfafanar, which regulates trade with a system that involves bribes, secret payoffs and corruption of key public servants. The guild was one of the major players in the Financial Wars. See Currency and Trade

Gulrab

A tablecloth from the village Ublarg whom Gavment befriends in Book 3.

Hairball

A Homo Canii who turned traitor to his own race, and served the Glaivemistress of Arvalyyon in the incomprehensible Book 13. This character functioned as a combination of body-guard and butt to several tasteless jokes. His fierceness in battle has endeared him to some readers, but he is mostly beloved by some of the more

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demented Fan Fiction authors - thanks to whom it is now canonical that many of the Halfmen are in fact heir to King Zonard’s zotesticle.

Halfmen

Created personally by Zonard to serve as an easy source of meat, the Halfmen were later corrupted by Dark Elemenstation and revolted against human reign. Three distinct races fall under the category of halfman: -Homo Canii -Dolphinthropes -Chthonic Swinemen (and their descendants, the Boar Men of the Beutrafficades)

Halfmen Revolution

An occurance in Book 8 where, having been corrupted by the dread powers of Dark Elemenstation, the Halfmen created as livestock by the last Magic Sword King, Zonard (and his mysterious zotesticle) revolted and became an army of raping, pillaging and burning terror who cut a swathe of destruction through all Battal. The Halfmen were eventually defeated early in Book 9 by High Elemenstor Noddy Chillbreezey.

Harbingers

Harbingers are a fairly elite group of philosophers and researchers whose organization is considered by many to be the precursor to the order of Elemenstors. When Harbinger Portent discovered High

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Elemenstation, the Harbingers were already at the ends of their ropes, with many Harbingers leaving the central temples to become wandering ascetics—including Portent himself. The discovery of High Elemenstation lead many of the higher-ups among the Harbingers to try to allow the Harbingers themselves to regulate all matters of Elemenstation. While they failed to attain this designation, the Harbingers would essentially become the largest part of the organiza-tion of the Elemenstors when they were assimilated by the Order of Elemenstors. By the time of The Elemenstor Cycle, the Harbingers are all but unknown, save for a few mentions of specific harbingers, like Harbinger Portent and the tale of the Dark Harbingers, Gambol and Brathymide.

Harbinger Omen

The Harbinger known as Omen appears in the beginning of Book 1 to Horatio Luskfish, a humble Tribbit. His appearance is very brief indeed, but he offers some extremely sage and multifacetted advice to Horatio, which he never heeds. It is this prophetic advice which would have indeed guided Horatio a true course through the stormy events of the book, and on several occasions the troubled Tribbit meditates on the wisdom of the advice and decides that he is indeed going to take action to follow the wisened Harbinger’s advice... In another couple of hours. The time when Horatio acts on the advice to make positive change never comes. Most notably at the anticlimax at the end of the book, after which Horatio goes back home to The Dank. It is indeed a stark contrast to the parallel story told of Harbinger Portent who is acting in a noble and wise way atop Mount Windice when he is struct down in the midst of the tumult by Char Reyarteb. It is unclear what the moral to be taken away from this is, because the person following their true inner moral compass is struct down while the procrastinating moral “wet noodle” is rewarded with continued existance.

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Harbinger Portent

Harbinger Portent, known in some circles as the Unsunderer, is generally considered the father of High Elemenstation. Born in year 4,002 in Pizzlemoore to the wealthy Onsah family, his parents named him Ynitsed. Young Ynitsed Onsah wanted for nothing and grew up living a carefree life in southern Mandleclang, a kingdom still prominent in the lands of Battal. When he was of age, he went out into the world to seek his fortune. The world was not a happy place. He worked many hard jobs and learned much, but found no satisfaction as he learned about the world. He continued to feel as though “the really big answers” were just around the corner, and all of his experience wasn’t leading him in the right direction to find that last hidden truth. That is when young Ynitsed found a sacred text written by Harbinger Number 3,895,074 of the Many Secrets, and it changed his life. Many years of learning “the big secrets” passed and Onsah left his previous life to join the order of the Harbinger, taking the name Harbinger Portent. The wisdom and arcane knowledge he amassed extended his life to near immortality. It was in the year 15,678 that Harbinger Portent, smug in his mastery of knowledge about both the seen and unseen worlds, unexpectedly stumbled across the Starborn Gem, a gemstone inscribed with a language that even he had never seen before. After much time and effort, he gained from these writings the secrets of High Elemenstation. It is said that Harbinger Portent crafted this mighty gem into his Elemenstave, no doubt increasing his power manifold. Years after his discovery, Harbinger Portent took on his first student in the ways of Elemenstation, Char Reyarteb of the oasis of Unothath. So great was his respect with his student that even when he created his Battlestaff, Siezor, which changed into a large serpent, among other abilites, Portent did not take this as a signal of his inevitable evil betrayal—until 17,904, when Portent finally sent his student away on a long pilgrimage to “enhance his wisdom”. After a long life of study of the Starborn Gem, Harbinger Portent managed to harness its power to reconnect The Shield and The Sickle,

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thus earning him the name the Unsunderer and re-creating Battal (see also: The Unsundering, Mount Wor). During this amazing process, though, Char Reyarteb struck him down, and went forth to bring evil to the newly reformed land.

Millenia later, in the year 19,116, Portent was able to reform his soul as a spirit, known as the Ocumen, and aid the Four Underdogs to victory over Reyarteb, even without the use of the Starborn Gem.

Sad Harbinger Portent in Snow (The Card) should be somehow mentioned here, I feel.

The Hat of Destiny

The Hat of Destiny is the One True Hat, and is the physical embodiment of the Form in which all other hats participate if they are to be called “hats” at all. It is rumored that the Hat of Destiny was forged prior to The Sundering, others still believe that it was forged during The Sundering, while some believe it was forged sometime last week. One thing is certain, however; the Hat of Destiny has been forged at least once. Presumably it possesses many powers. The present whereabouts of the Hat of Destiny are unknown, but sources close to that Hat indicate that it is not gone forever. Well known for its eternal conflict with the Darkrift Fedora.

He is already dead

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A rumor that has been circulating on the internet for the past few months about Tycho Brahe being dead. The main purpose of this farce was to show that Tycho Brahe had already died in 1601 and that The Fourteenth Manuscript should therefore be released. This Dark Fourteen plot was around for a couple months before finally being debunked.

Heart

Share your thoughts on the Heart Debate, or read on for more information about this controversial ru-mor/facet/wishful thinking.

The Debate

Heart is perhaps the most controversial of the secondary elements, and its very existence is a point of contention. Heart is never explicitly referenced in any of the ELotH:TES products, though many diehard Heart supporters, or Defibrillies, maintain that Heart is an integral part of of the ELotH multiverse. Defribrillies claim that there are sly references to Heart scattered throughout the ELotH franchise, such as some vague allusions in the flavor text of some CCG cards, ambulatory dressers being made of heartwood, or the rumored existance of a fifth Wizbit, Phila for the unwritten fourth season of The Wizbits. Defribrillies also point out that the creator of

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The Wizbits, James Langomedes, has contained in his name all the letters you need to spell HEART, except for the H, the R, and the T. Defibrillies usually point to this passage from Book 8 as proof of their claims:

“That was incredible... we... we should be dead,” sputtered Trafficant. He took Asana by the shoulders and backed her away from the smoldering crater where moments before had sat the Archmage’s equipment. It was obvious that the entropic feedback machine would never again be operational. Breathlessly, Asana turned her big brown eyes up and looked into Trafficant’s charcoal smudged face, a single tear on her cheek, “Don’t you see. It’s just like the old man said. ‘No power can stand against it, save love.’” She paused. “This is what he was talking about. I’m pretty sure that was... it was...” she trailed off. ”Heart Elemenstation?” Trafficant offered. ”I think so.” ”Rubbish...” Chapter 27 Book 8

Critics point out that this doesn’t prove anything, while Defibrillies counter with “Yes it does.”

Implications in Battle Theory

As far as the lore of ELotH itself is concerned, the question remains why one would want to devote themselves to Heart as a field of study. Think about it. With fire, you can burn things...burn things with FIRE! Wind lets you kick sand into people’s eyes, which is kind of annoying, I suppose. Oh, and it would help with windmills and stuff like that. Water at least makes sure you’ll never die of thirst. And Earth has that useful ability to open up gaping chasms under your enemies. The canonical four elements are all things that you could use to burn, blast, drown, or crush a foe, but Heart, being an abstract concept like Justice or Philanthropy, is of questionable value

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in a magical battle. While one could make that case that, by virtue of its name, Heart lends the user a stalwart brand of heroism and pluck, one could also make the case that stalwart pluck won’t do much for you in the face of a ten foot long flying fire demon.

Heart and Metaphysics

Some Defibrillies speculate that Heart does not exist as an element, but rather pervades the other four elements and links them together, and is therefore critical to the reality-rending powers of all Elemensta-tion. Think of Heart as the Jello that binds together the disparate fruits of the four elements—see the Jello-Fruitcup Metaphor of Elemenstation. Most proponents of this theory point to the existence of the Ginormous Soul and the smaller fragments of Allsoul as proof of Heart as a force, but not an element. On the other hand, opponents of the Heart element would argue that it has nothing to do with the Jello-Fruitcup Metaphor, and is most commonly used as a dubious plot device in erotic fan-fiction. The Heart element is most frequently employed in male/male romance fanfics such as the 100 Slashes of the Sword Collection, where it is typically used to make eternal, unfathomably rageful arch-enemies fall in love with each other, and occassionally turn them gay in the process. There are theorists who follow the octahedric hyperprism hypothesis, who controversially group Heart along with -The Unspeakable- as the Light or “Binding” elemenstations. They believe that Heart is the force that binds the four Secondary Elements of Life, Death, Carry, and Stream together. There are also the rare few who feel that, since a heart is made of muscle, perhaps it is not so much a metaphorical but literal reference to brute strength. Most people disagree with this interpretation, but keep it to themselves since nobody is willing to confront someone who thinks beating the hell out of people is a magic power. It is worth noting, however, that The Tome of Tailors makes a vague allusion to the revival of Harbinger Portent occuring if “The Five form a Ring around the Roses with the pockets stuffed with posies.” It is speculated that this indicated that the revival would require the five

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to sacrifice themselves by “falling down” into the NastiestPlanes, sacrificing their power to revive Harbinger. This has lead a vocal group to infer that Heart is an hitherto unseen element which will only be discovered shortly before (or perhaps, during) The Fourteenth Manuscript. Unfortunately, since the text was never technically written, further analysis is impossible. Related

• Elements

• Air


• Fire

• Earth

• Heart (Debated)

• Life

• Death

• Stream

• Carry

• The Four Vales

• Fan Fiction

Heeroh Troughberry

Heeroh Troughberry, misplaced war refugee, is the barer of the fantastical Dark Doomblade of Magical Overarching Darkness. He rarely unsheaths this great weapon because when wielding it, the bearer is completely blinded by magical darkness.* Interestingly, Heeroh bares the same name as an amateur Gladiatingor of some note also named Heeroh Troughberry. This causes several confusing and alternatingly humorous and tragic mixups throughout his tale. It was during the (mis)adventures of Book 2 of the Elemenstor Saga that Heeroh and his daughter Orphenna Troughberry journeyed through

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the FaeriWrathe Lands in search of the log cabin fortress of Zenethir Foulblade. Through much of this book we see a reluctant and cowardly Heeroh. The yellow troll incident, the confrontation with the twisted and dark Furniliar Bannister the Stationary, and the meeting with the Carpentabula-tional Council - all of these clearly illustrate Heeroh as an unworthy man, though his daughter is anything but. It is only during the final spat between Zenethir Foulblade and Heeroh that we see his true colors:

“Father,” Orphenna pleaded. “Toss me the blade! With it I will sunder the Omni Scarf and render this Foulblade vulnerable to the hot chills!” Heeroh was attempting to scramble under the cabin’s bed, which was also doing its best to avoid any part of this fight. Zenethir, being extremely comfortable, struck Heeroh with a terrible blow. Heeroh turned unsheathed his sword, immediately drenched in the familiar inky blackness, and slid his dark blade across the floor in the general direction of his effervescent progeny. As his vision returned, he had a moment of complete clarity. He looked down at the terrible wound in his chest, and realized this wound would kill him. It was as though his eyes had opened for the first time! He could see Orphenna, in all her homeliness, pick up the blade and begin to swing about at random. ”Daughter!” Heeroh called out as he stood, mortally wounded, to defy Zenethir’s aggression, “You are now in possession of the my ancient blade! You have a proud lineage, defy the dark shadows!” Orphenna nodded grave assent and swung the sword, now visionless, nicking cupboards and furniture and generally making a mess of the place. Zenethir was unimpressed at this display and laughed. He began to direct the young girl: “Warmer... warmer! Ooh, colder,” until, enraged and chagrinned, she charged, impaling the Omni Scarf around his neck and slamming Zenethir against the dresser, which shook

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with the impact. Using his last ounce of energy, Heeroh dove for what seemed to be a fairly valuable container that had tumbled off the edge of the dresser, he being always conscious and mindful of others’ things. The container crashed to the ground, just out of reach, and as his breath left him and all went to darkness, he could read the label that said: “Xoxor Xxar”...

• In some early printings of the book, the Dark Doomblade of Magical Overarching Darkness is an artifact that had been in the Troughberry family for generations, an unfortunate family heir-loom if there ever was one. In later printings Heeroh aquired the sword as an anonymous valentine (unbeknownst to him, it was from the Weird Thing.)

Hepgoiess

Initially, there was only one reference to Hepgoiess in the entire body of canon ELotH:TES literature. From this one can assume that Hierlark Hepgoiess just likes to party all the time. The reference to her occurs in Chapter 14 of Book 13:

Hierlark’Hepgoiess;likes;to;party;all;the;time, party;all;the;time, party;all;the. She just likes to party all the time......

Since then she has been referenced in several ElemenstorLance novels, presumably because of a fair amount of interest in more details surrounding this Hierlark from the fan community.

The Hidden Moon

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The Hidden Moon is one of Battal’s three moons. The other two moons are known as the Bright Moons. The Hidden Moon is named as such because of how darkly it broods with Unlight. It orbits low in Battal’s night sky, below the two Bright Moons. The Hidden Moon is also known as the Middlemoon which is very much a misnomer because it is actually the lowest moon.

Spoiler

for The Wizbits In TheWizbitsEpisode0209 - “Enter MooMaa! (Part 1), it was revealed that the villain MooMaa had a secret palace on the far side of the Hidden Moon.

Hierarch Larchmere

General

Hierarch Larchmere is a mysterious figure, apparently representing the tendency to collect and acquire. The mispronunciation of its name by Higherlark Larcheny was the origin of the term Higherlark and is somehow linked to the lower status of subsequent emanations. Larchmere is referred to once in the flavor text of the card Airth-fire of the Hierarchs, from the series Sound: Be Gone, as “Larchmere the Collector.” The only other direct reference to it occurs in the harrowing 14th chapter of Book 13:

snigebs: the tale of Larchmere ;.;;.;;;.;;.; ;.;;.;;;.;;.; ;.;;.; ,((,,m is life is m is time is carry is life is time is m is life is time is m is life is time is m,)),, ::::::LARCHMERE’S EMERGENCE;;;;;;;;;::EMERGES::: EMERGESES:::EMERGENCES.capitalflight.emergencies ;scat ;scat;scat ;scat;scat;scat ;scat;scat ;scat

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gather your gold and cats, Larchy, gather your gold and scat;;;;;;;cats;oulcats;oulscat;soulscat you look like a cat, a Wang dragan, but you gather your scat like sdlrowmlaer, the Globule, but you’re a scatsoulscat;;; ”My emanation emerges. Speak to me, stillborne procreation. Speak. Say the name of daddy quothe”,,,,larchmere,,,”,,, frommoney money is born ;;;;; ;;;;; ;;;;; ;;;;;frommy scat a aaa child is borne............................. mcmcmcmcmcmcmcmcmcmcmcmcmcmcmcmcmcmcmcmcmcmc mcmccmcmcmcmcm ccmcmcmcccmcmcmcmccmcccmcmccccccccccccccccccc ccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccc ccccccccccccccccccccccccc ccccccccccccccccccccccccccccc ,,,”,,,,Higherlark Larcheny,,,,”:”Hee hh heeiiii hieerrlarch,,”,,... ...........................scat in the misspeaking, the corruption of thw word, the breaking of the world, the fall of the hierarchs snigebs only a eulithian resonance vector can redeem you now.;.;;.;;;.;;;;.;;;;;.;;;;;;.;;;;;.;;;;.;;;.;;.;..........

Note: On several lines here, the text actually extends beyond the breadth of the page, necessitating the inclusion of several fold-outs in the book that are the height of a single line of text. Versions of the book in which these have not been torn off currently sell for hundreds of dollars on e-bay.

Real World Interpretations

According to some of his followers (see Langoites), in one of his “inner teachings” James Langomedes claimed to be in direct contact with Hierarch Larchmere. By “synchornizing his rays with Hierarch Larchmere’s rays”, Langomedes claimed that he was able to “mani-fest” an entire antique district in Cleveland, Ohio. According to

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Langomedes, this opened a “temporospatial ripple” through which the statistically impossible occurrence of multiple Gangster Octopus cards was able to manifest; in the Langoites worldview, the Gangster Octopus was the Platonic Form Itself of all that is rare and desired. Even among paranormal specialists, Langomedes’ theory regarding the cards and the antique district are viewed with suspicion. It is in fact the only theory ever to be discredited on The Learning Channel’s series Hauntings.

The Hierarch Wars

The collective title for the penultimate three books of Tycho Brahe’s Elemenstor Cycle of books. Resoundingly epic in every possible way, just to read the dust jacket of the collected hardcover edition is to hear the sound of a noble army girding itself for war!

Books of the Hierarch Wars

The Hierarch Wars Begin (Colloquially, Elemenstors Gone Wild, Vol. I) The Hierarch Wars Continue (Colloquially, Elemenstors Gone Wild, Vol. II) End of the Hierarch Wars (Colloquially, Elemenstors: Spring Break ‘2,167) Please note that while some fans commonly refer to these colloquial titles, many feel that their usage cheapens the epic atmosphere that Brahe sought so carefully to imbue the trilogy with.

Hierarchs

Beings in the highest plane of the Elmether, the Hierarchs forged the Starborn Gem and The Four Vales, binding in them the essences of the

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Elemanifestations and their aggregate, Ginormous Soul. From the very depths of the Voidnes which they both preceded and followed, the Hierarchs began the Darkstorm to destroy the Four Vales, thus creating the world of Battal. The smallest particle of their being is incomprehensible even to the highest Elemenstors of High Elemensta-tion. Only the Highest of the Exalted Highest Elemenstors of High Elemensta-tion is permitted to even pretend that he believes he understands a fraction of a particle of their being (or non-being). They are they objects of worship in the Vuksveufa religion. It is important to note, however, that the Hierarchs are also believed to be a eulithian resonance vector of the Elemenstors themselves flung back into the past. Obviously, this changes the entire nature of the series, indeed allowing both prequels and sequels to be created featuring the same characters, regardless of the Saga Timeline. Thus, speculation has pointed to a fourth season of The Wizbits. In addition, this concept forms the basis of Book 13, which takes place both before and after the Hierarch Wars. Using the “the elemenstors are the hierarchs” argument is how most fans explain the title to their friends who ask why there are no characters called Hierarchs doing epic things about which there are epic legends being told in The Elemenstor Cycle and related literature.

High Elemenstation

High Elemenstation is the almighty power that Harbinger Portent gleaned from the inscriptions on the Starborn Gem. It is a great and mighty force indeed, and through the induction of Elemanifestations, the various Elemenstors and High Elemenstors of Battal conduct their amazing deeds.

High Elemenstation is generally divided into four main catagories of study, each one presided over by one of the High Elemenstors. These four categories are Air, Earth, Water, and Fire. Those seeking to be taught these arts must go to one of the great schools of Elemensta-

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tion, such as the Cerulean Citadel of Mont Elim for training, although on occasion one has been known to learn High Elemenstation from less than great schools (See: Elvangella School of Elemenstation) and by other means. High Elemenstors cast spells, which they refer to as striking gears, of great elemental power. It is upon the mastery of High Elemenstation that a student recieves their Elemenstave. Char Reyarteb was able to singlehandedly create, with the aid of the Starborn Gem, the essence of Dark Elemenstation.

The Runeglyphabet

The mysteries and varieties of High Elemenstation are communicated among Elemenstors in the Runeglyphabet. These arcane cyphers are most often found in bathroom stalls or sprayed on alley walls. They were originally “discovered” by fans working from Wizbits cheese squiggles, and were then found on the internet by the CCG publisher, who thought they were pretty neat and started using them.

High Elemenstor

A practicioner of High Elemenstation. Elemenstors must train for many years to obtain this rank, apprenticing themselves to more experi-enced High Elemenstors to learn the secrets of this trade (in this context, in many cases, “apprenticing” is interchangable with “whoring”). During The Great Elemenstruation, High Elemenstors were reasonably plentiful, though, in reality, all they mostly did was just flashed their powers around to impress members of the opposing sex (as well as

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for certain...other purposes...once said members were suitably impressed. For more information on this, see The Unspeakable).

Weapons of the High Elemenstor

While it is a matter of public record that even a half trained Elemen-stor can weild his craft unaided by any devices, most choose, for reasons of convienience and flashy-ness, to channel their powers through a weapon or tool of some sort, the best known of which is the Elemenstave, which the High Elemenstor usually crafts by hand when he or she acheives said rank.

Homo Canii

One of three races descended from Zonard (see also Halfmen). Also called the Dogmen, or Canid. Were, predictably, rather more loyal than any of the other half-men races. To this day Canids are despised even by the other half-men as turncoats, due to their unfortunate tendency to crawl back to the human oppressors, tails literally between their legs. True fans of the series recognize that the portrayal of Gollum in the new LotR films was a complete ripoff of the Canid character Hairball in the unfortunate Book 13

Interesting Facts:

• Surprising levels of literacy

• Extremely large teeth

• No proper opposable thumbs

• Easy to house-train

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Dust Jacket

The electrifying Tides of Epic Conflict return with an epic Book Two: Hopebane’s Gambit! Lord Hopebane has learned the dark arts of poisoning—and with the epic bombshell Lopae of Hopea by his side, the Court of Teisti can only be in for nasty, epic surprise! Will Lady Ambivilia see through his epic deceit? Will Hopebane take the epic throne? And will the epically sinister Yam-Eaters strike? You can only find out in Hopebane’s Gambit!

Plot

Lord Hopebane is in Hopea, and has just completed his two-year training in the art of undetectable poisoning under Dark-Elemenstor hermits in Mont Skyfinger, while Blacksmith Smithy Blackfinger of Skyfinger has completed work on his Armor of Fullchesthood. He gives the garment to Lopae, and starts the long journey back to Teisti. On the way back, he tests the Armor’s power on a few publicans and inkeeps, and finds few men can think straight with the enhanced Lopae in front of them. Ambivilia has given up on warning the court about the dark forces in the Ultracraggoths, but she can’t shake the feeling that something bad might soon happen. However, she feels at ease when she meets the charming Lord Hopebane, who promises that if they work together, they can forge a new court that won’t take such important affairs lightly. Back in the Ultracraggoths, Percy has infiltrated the Dark Forces, and has found that the Yam-Eaters have found a new tool—a certain Lord Hopebane, who has been tricked by two of their kind in Mont Skyfinger into throwing the court into disarray, making their plans for conquest even easier. Before long, all fields in the Sickle will grow naught but yams! Horrified, Percy begins to head back to his home of Bizarkule, where he plans to tell The Kapiten of the evil plots in the Ultracraggoths. On his journey back, he encounters many dangers, which he deals with in excruciating detail. Hopebane now feels ready to begin his plans, having a small cadre of lords allied to him. He makes a minor power play, turning a large

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faction of lords against him. Lopae easily seduces their leader, and while he’s distracted by her, Hopebane poisons him. Lopae quickly redresses herself, makes up his bed, and leaves him in it. The next morning, the man is dead, and in the chaos, Hopebane convinces a few of his former enemies to join him. The book continues in this manner, alternating between gratutiously detailed seduction scenes, cold-blooded murder, and Hopebane talking to stuffy lords. One can safely skip through chapters 23 to 49, as they’re really just the same thing over and over again, although the loving detail paid to Lopae’s bosom is worth checking out, if only for the number of ways “heaving,” “round,” “ample,” “full,” and “large” can be combined. Eventually Hopebane manages to murder the Cream Emperor, and, in a confusing series of rapid-fire seduction-murders, he kills off the next 13 as well, making sure anyone with imperial ambitions has their wish and death on the same day. In one phenominal act of hubris, he manages to kill and appoint three different emperors in a single orgy. This results in Grodin Keili, a pitifully inadequate man, being ap-pointed emperor, while Hopebane plans to overthrow him outright. On what he planned to be his final night in Teisti, he beds Lopae, then kills her as the last witness to his crimes. The novel ends as Percy returns to his hometown and bursts in the Kapiten’s office. From the betrayal of Lopae:

“I feel like you don’t love me, Lord Hopebane,” Lopae breathed heavily. “Like you are...just using my enhanced cleavage to further your evil plans.” ”Nonsense,” Hopebane smiled. “Now, my dear Lopae, I have a task for you.” ”What evil deed or good person must I do now, my Lord?” she replied, her large bosom straining her armor. ”Drink this completely natural and non-poisoned glass of Amberberry juice for me, will you?” ”Amberberry? For me?” She asked, her eyes confused, her breasts large. “Could this be a sign that you do, in fact, love me? Could it be that I have not yet outlived my usefulness, and as such that you do not intend to

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poison me and cast me aside after bedding me and my chest?” ”Whatever gets you through the day, woman.” ”Will you still love me the same way you do now when I’m eighty three, and my prodigious chest drags the floor like two drunken dwarves?” ”When you are eighty three, I will love you exactly as much as I do now. Now drink!” She raised the glistening draught, and downed it. ”Aaaah,” she cried, clasping her hands to her ample chest. “What cold is this that grips at my breast, when your hands are so far away? Could this be death? A quiver runs through me, like an earthquake in two mountains of gelatin, alas, when—“ ”Oh, shut up and die, woman!” ”—my...back..hurts.” She fell back on the bed, and her last breath escaped her firm, full, now-dead chest. Hondana shivered in the shadows, and held still.

Horatio Luskfish

Son of Julio, Arch-Son of Hermes the Obtuse, Tribbit of Thithithmihos on the edge of The Dank, traveled along a dark and sinister path to emerge as one of Battal’s most beloved heroes. Though he appears in later works as a peripheral character, the main story of Horatio is chronicled in Tycho Brahe’s Elementsor Cycle Book 1: The Fires of Mount Windice. The first book in Brahe’s Epic Saga describes Horatio’s humble beginnings as a Mucksucker of the Luskfish Clan and follows the unwitting protaganist through his corruption by the Pixlie Bibee. Bibee ultimately warps the mind of the poor Tribbit so severely that she convices him to climb the icy burning slopes of Mount Windice to plunder the Mosaic Platter of Ronard! After Horatio’s adventures in Book 1, he then appears again at the beginning of Book 2, but after the terrible experiences of his last adventure, he is unwilling to get involved in the events transpiring

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around him. Despite the unwillingness to get involved, it is his brief encounter with two war refugees, father and daughter Heeroh Troughberry and Orphenna Troughberry, that sparks Orphenna to undertake the quest that drives the journey of that book. Of some note is that an alternate telling of Horatio’s adventures can be found in The Story That Is Built One Sentence At a Time By Those That Read It as collected in The Temptations of the Bix the End Table, and other tales.

Ickthorn the Unpopular

Ironically named anti-hero who was never exactly in the series, somehow, he ended up being a rather popular character for a short while. Gruff and vile to the point of almost incoherance, Ickthorn was basically all the worst things about the Wasted Elemenstors. He is mentioned in the introduction to Book 6 and in some minor character dialouge in Book 7, which is where the intense interest came from. Though never featured as a main character, The Wizbits TV show lists him by name under Special Thanks in the credits of Episode 2. In the introduction of Book 6 this character is specifically quoted as saying, “You could count the number of people who have touched all 100 of King Selent’s 100 blades on one hand, and I am one of them.” The character is then not mentioned again until...

Old Lentle cleared his throat. “The way I aim ‘ter be seein’ it. The youngin’ fellers tweren’t...” Hom Better stood suddenly. “We’ve heard enough from you already old man, it is time for action, not speeches. Did Old Milkjug stand around talking when the Mumbler stole his prize dairy cow? NO! Did

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Seamus Macall-the-stars stand around talking when Omnibus Blibberblat made eyes at his lady? NO!” He paused in his retoric, to great effect, then began again slowly and softly. “Did the great Unsunderer, power in his name, stand around TALKING when Ickthorn the Unpopular stole his most precious and perfect? NO!” he thundered. His nephews, brothers, sons, and cousins all around him errupted in a loud murmer of “truly, truly”, “yes, yes”, “much agreement”, which washed over the assembled council and broke like waves of a newly risen tide.—Book 7

The Infurnal

The Furniliar counterpart to undead creatures - that is, creatures that are animated from splinters of destroyed furniliars, and other abominations of furniliar magic that cannot be adequately explained by mastery of Stream or Carry elemenstation. They are generally created using Carry elemenstations of reverse-Ambulation hybridized with Blood elemenstation. Because only the highest forms of reverse-Ambulation can provide free will and full mobility, tertiary and quaternary elemenstations are often used to supplement the creature and provide further mobility and drive. The most famous examples of infurnal creatures are the Origami Golems and the Vile Automata. As evident by the Origami Golems, some infurnal creatures are created in the absense of Blood elemenstation, and as such the art form is only considered with the same medium-evil distain as the rest of Carry elemenstation. They are sometimes classed among the Twisted Furniliars, but there are a few key differences. The most obvious one is that Twisted Furniliars are created from something whole, while the infurnal are amalgamous constructs of wear, tear, and decay.

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The Institute Of Accoutermen-tia

A school of Elemenstation in Ezermethalon. One of the Fathom League Schools. All incoming Freshman students are required to take a course which emphasises the dangers of Dark Elemenstation, which sets the pace for the rest of the curriculum, which centers on not only how to perform Elemenstation, but also its role in a moral society. This of course leads to much interest in Dark Elemenstation, a topic the students would otherwise probably have ignored. Upon joining the school, the Freshman students are also distributed among the four houses through the use of a transchanted Remainder-ing Hat. Four houses were established, and are advertised in the school’s literature as:

• Gilgamar - The house for the protagonist of heart

• Schmelgabel - The house designed for the amusingly plump

• Raffleston - The house for the pleasantly irrelevant

• Slobodan - The house for future murderers Gilgamar Smith, founder of Gilgamar house, originally suggested that a house specifically allocated for the purpose of warding evil elemen-stors was a poor idea. However, after his untimely murder, opposi-tion to the house waned, and it has existed ever since.

Notable Alumni

• Felthar of Gilgamar

• Serafina Haberdasheron of Gilgamar

• Gorg Stinkrot of Slobodan

Notable Staff

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• Eric Langerhans, Dean of Special Research

• Professor Bertus Tanklebing, head of Gilgamar

• Headmaster Scrooble

Isaac Purcheron

In Book 7, leader of the children of Valedaleglenhill, 15-yr-old Isaac is able to communicate with animals. Although not an Elemenstor he has a mole as a companion. His adventures continue in The Adventures of Isaac and Raven, which takes place five years after the events of the book.

Ishkarot Doogan

Not much is known about Ishkarot Doogan. He appears briefly in the Book 5 and then not again until the Book 11, when he steals Xasserole’s famed weapon, Xasserole’s Slightly Enchanted Sundering Stick. It is believed that Ishkarot is from the Cataclysmic Bluont.

Ithbarg

Ithbarg was the twin kingdom of Ithbarg II, founded on the 100th anniversary of the founding of Ithbarg II. It resided on the north western corner of The Shield, in the lee of the Beutrafficades. It was largely uninhabited except for small fishing villages on the coast and hermit colonies in the foothills. It was not surprisingly easily

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conquered by Vhadxi during the Vampyric Wars shortly after getting lost in Portund. Central Ithbarg is rather swampy, and in the later history of Battal became the location of The Dank, considered a real cultural backwa-ter, as most of far northern and western Battal is generally looked down upon, as unclean, primative, and uneducated. An ancient gate, known as the Moonrock Gate “protected” the eastern borders of the lands. Unfortunately, only the illusion of safety was offered. Constructed from an alloy of Moonrock, the gate phased in an out of existance once per hour. Merely because no army had bothered to try to conquer this kingdom previously was what had kept them safe. When the vampyric hordes invaded during the Vampyric Wars in 943, the army was delayed by only a half an hour. The little village of Moonrock Glade near the gate is where Faize Vanishing Cheese is made. The northern regions of the ruins of Ithbarg, by the time of The Wizbits have become the brewery kingdom of Octobavaria.

Ithbarg II

Ithbarg II was the first nation of Ithbarg. One of the twelve realms destroyed in the Vampyric Wars and was situated on the northwestern corner of The Shield. In the high native tongue of Ithbarg (called Bargon IV) the word II (pronouced Vee) means “Original Kingdom”. Ithbarg II was sometimes referred to as the Land of Dwarven Brew, known for it’s dwarven ale, dwarven scotch, dwarven grog, dwarven mead, and dwarven iced chai latte. The dragon Scotchorz once consumed an entire dwarven brewery. Long after the Vampyric Wars, the region became known as the land of Grammelgrap, a land of beasts and fowl creatures. Few ventured

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into Grammelgrap, which was bordered by inhospitable Farnvania to the east and the even less hospitable land of The Dank to the south. Grammelgrap was the location of many of the “evil” kingdoms of Battal, including Affenlichtbaum, the second largest tree-city of the Gorthmaugs, into which the Good Elemenstors of Book 11 made a daring raid.

Jarvelos

A wiry, dark-skinned Elemenstor and narcoleptic and also the lover of Ubrith. He was killed by Spiral Doom.

Jubilee of the New Year

This holiday is celebrated at the beginning of each year (on the 1st of Primanary) and honors the birth of King Ronard. There are usually gatherings in town squares and dancing. It is also customary for guests to give a gift to thier hosts as well. But, as so many holiday stories go, “[The Jubilee of the New Year] isn’t about presents or dancing, it’s about revenge.”. Originally, the holiday was celebrated in the truest spirt of the holiday people honor King Ronard, who believed himself superior to others and was fond of smiting those with better magic swords then him with his Very Large But Unenchanted Spikey Hammer. People found others, particularly those whom they think think that they’re better then them, and smote them. Severe offenses met retribution with cerimonial copies of Ronard’s Hammer, while most were lesser and would just merit a smiting with a piece of stale bread. Over the years, the holiday became commercialized, people singing the songs, but just the catchy refrains, and not the verses that detail the bloodier exactments of revenge. Inflatable novelty hammers

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became the norm, with everyone wielding one around this time of year. Even the presence of Ronard has been all but eliminated from most Jubilee celebrations, instead focusing on the tall, bespectacled most likely fictional character of Saint Jubilous (dressed in his blue winter garbs), who collected taxes from his enemies, rather than smiting them at all. There are the hardcore who encourage everyone to remember the “real meaning of Jubilee” and go out actually smiting, and this is the moral and focus of most seasonal Jubilee morality plays. The traditional food of the hammer driven holiday is of course... Ham.

“Believer, you have forgotten the true meaning of Jubilee. Neither is it ham, nor pomp. Nay, the true meaning of Jubilee is drinking. Drinking and revenge.”—Ghost of King Ronard, Book 13

Good King Ronard was of course referring to “iarba roo begol-vix-zekkot, bru’stoove lopok aynikkoree”.

Jyept Adept

The Jyept Adept are driven by their perceived betrayal at the hands of the Chronoclave. The rigorous training of the Chronoclave inevitably leaves broken men in the wake of its rigor. These are the Jyept adept. Cast out of

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Spaghetti Western and believing their birthright usurped by the Elders of the Chronoclave, the Jyept Adept battle their former masters in attempt to take back what was taken from them. The Avenues of Time are wide and winding. While it may seem odd to have Elders in an organization that exists outside of time itself, such is the circumstance. That’s how the Chronoclave rolls.

K’th’ith’h is one of the Twelve Realms of Antior, and it sits near the center of The Shield. Its capital, L’fh’ik, is a half-walled stronghold jutting out from the base and lower four-seventeenths of G’nth’l, greatest of the Ap’str’ph’ Mountains. K’th’ith’h is the center of trade for the semi-precious ore, Apostrophine, which was used in the construc-tion of R’ll’b’gsw’d, the Lesser Fourth Backup Sword of Shezdor. Control of the Apostrophine mines was the primary point of argument in the C’nf’s’ng Trade Dispute of 799. (it is widely thought that this dispute was one of the indirect catalysts to the Vampyric Wars, although Mr. Brahe never directly states such) Inhabitants The two primary cultures of K’th’ith’h are the K’thians (not to be confused with the Khith) and the Sw’ftfl’woots. The two races rarely intermingle, as the language and cultural barriers between them are epic in proportion. Landmarks The two most notable landmarks in K’th’ith’h are the Sw’ftfl’w River and the Ap’str’ph’ Mountains (the largest of which is G’nth’l). There is some argument about whether the dried lake bed of Adhnaten Lake from the Vampyric Wars can really be called a land-mark, but it is visible from remarkable distance and the smell is unforgetable. Government According to document 74-C-0.1 subsection 41 of the K’th’ith’h C’mp’nd’m, the King or Lord of the realm may (if he has not sired an heir by his 70th winter) select a talented subject to serve as his

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replacement, effectively priming the subject for adoption into the aristocracy. This procedure requires no vote from either branch of the S’n’c’rt and cannot be overruled by any measure outside of the filing of Form #A27.8 in odd-numbered years or Form G7-8 in even numbered-years. This becoems a moot point, naturally, because either form requires ultimately the signature of the King or Lord in order to become law, but rarely would a Form get that far anyhow. Appointments to the S’n’c’rt are obtained via a special drinking contest held every four years. Language The native language of the K’thians is called K’th’s and is largely unpronouncable by outsiders (and 27% of native-born citizens, as well), which leads to the nation being in constant flux and dispute with its neighbors, allies, enemies, well-wishers, debtors, etc. Local dialects seem to spring up and perish almost weekly. The thrust of the clandestine meeting and resulting dispute between Lord B’gh’d and Vhadxi is awkwardly placed in Appendix B of Book 8 of the Cycle.

Kapybara

“Before him stood a tall, slender woman of extraordi-nary, otherwordly, truly elemenstral beauty. Her skin was like alabaster, pale and soft like the sands of Luna Dadaloth. Her large, dark, captivating eyes sparked with a light of their own, like starlit skies or the clear waters of the arctic oceans. Her shimmering blonde hair reflected the moonlight in a way reminiscent of molten gold and elemenstronium. She was wearing a sleek, silvery white dress with sequined hems. A single black pearl adorned her bosom; she wore no other jewelry. Pale, gleaming noodles had been carefully worked into her hair, though, their almost iridescent sheen complementing the vibrant radiance of her eyes. This was Kapybara, Speaker of The Unspeakable,

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Dark Elemenstrix of Myrkmoom.”

Kapybara, ruler of Myrkmoom, is generally regarded as one of the most powerful female Elemenstors in history. She is a skilled manipulator and a master of disguise, often preferring subtlety over open displays of her Dark Elemenstrix powers. She first appears in The Elemenstor Cycle, Book 4: Curse of the Doombane, where she confronts Sotar Olderndirt on the slopes of Wang’s Peak, offering to join forces with him in exchange for a “simple apology”. The details are left unclear, but it is implied that Sotar and Kapybara had been lovers, possibly even married, in the past. Sotar refuses in a rather unkind manner, then proceeds to reveal everything about his affair with Steppy in exquisite detail. Enraged, Kapybara sends her army of Dark Toilet Table Furniliars against Sotar just as the legion of the War Men emerges... Kapybara has a more visible role from Book 10 to Book 12, where she actively participates in the Hierarch Wars as one of the key Dark Elemenstors. In Book 11, while investigating the mysterious disappear-ance of a number of important individuals, the Elemenstor Zuumont discovers that Kapybara has, through careful and often personally degrading manipulation of their damaged emotions, won the devotion of every Bathtub Furniliar she could find. She then instructed them to infiltrate the washrooms of her most powerful enemies and drown, crush, or outright swallow those who opposed her. Later, in the opening chapter of Book 12, she engineers a devastating betrayal among the Elemenstor ranks, resulting in the dramatic and surprising death of Sierra Vanity. During the 11th Final Battle of Book 12, Kapybara spontaneously self-destructs in a massive explosion, taking her Dark Furniliars with her and turning a winning battle into a rout. The reasons behind this act aren’t explicitly explained in the text, which has generated a lot of speculation among the fans.

ELotH:TES Canon

Kapybara is a recurring character in Tycho Brahe’s Elemenstor Cycle

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series, appearing in Book 4, Book 10, Book 11 and Book 12 and possibly in Book 13 although this is hard to tell.

Fan Art

Kelembad

One of the final twelve realms to be destroyed in the Vampyric Wars. A mountainous and hazard-filled landscape dominated by the range of the Howling Mountains, the Kelembadians were a fierce, hard, yet musical people. Suriviving in the harsh climate of their volcanoe-rich lands quickly killed any but the hardiest, or most rhythmic. Thus, when the nomadic tribes started to settle towards building up a greater civilization and eventually become the nation known as Kelembad (before it was destroyed in the Vampyric Wars), two characteristics were chosen amongst the pair that they would have to lead them. For a Queen they demanded the most physically fit fighting machine. For a King the most sonorous tune-smith. Each was decided in the Clashathon held every twenty years in order to determine their leaders for the next two decades. At the Clashathon a pair of Man

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and Woman would compete against other pairs in a duet of sword and zither, blade and drum, axe and mandolin. Whichever pair was able to survive the assault of the other pairs, as well as please the crowd with their melodies, was crowned High King and High Queen of Kelembad. Maintaining this tradition over the generations helped immensely during the Vampyric Wars, as teams of husband and wife, “battlebards”, were a fantastic asset against the Vampyre’s legion of Torvolds, a beast whose only weakness is to be attack while listening to good music. Kelembad was decimated in the last battle of the Vampyric Wars in year 1,003 (TMSK). The region was referred to as Shattered Kelembad for the next 2,510 years, until in year 3,513 (TMSK), when the region, as well as the northern Ruins of Blee were formed into the First United Republic of Terle. Tales of this region after the Vampyric Wars are told in The Lost Tales of Shattered Kelembad.

Recorded Kings and Queens of Kelembad

• King Lightlute

• Monny and Darie

• Queen T’nihl and husband

• King T’n’r and Queen S’pr’no

• King T’nd’f and wife

Killer Black

Killer Black was imposingly tall and unnaturally thin. His short cropped hair greyed early, and he had a tiny patch of a beard on the tip of his chin which he thought made him look “more serious”. Known later in life as Baltor the Upright, Killer Black was an Elemenstor skilled in the art of Witherance, an ability typically associated with Dark Elemenstors. Baltor walked the line between light and darkness, and

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in this twilight land exacted justice from those who felt that they were above the law. After a career of vigilante justice from the shadows, Baltor burned out and gave up Elemenstation. He moved to a rural village in The Kingdom of Parsonya where he settled down to the simple life of a cheese maker (Soft Belpaisly, a regional delicacy), and eventually was elected to town magistrate. He briefly emmerged from retirement, in Book 10, to slay the erstwhile Furniliar Barven Valori. Found within Valori’s drawers was a love note written by Persephalous. The shame drove Persephalous into hiding, as told in The Scolding of Persephalous. He died shortly after in the Hierarch Wars, his head battered in during the Battle of the Moonlit Banners.

King Ronard

King Ronard (0 - 583 TMSK) was the first of the Magic Sword Kings. His magic sword is of little relevance, as they were fairly common in that day, even though most people had no real use for them beyond slicing bread and shaving their beards (which, it should be noted, is not the best application for a magic sword. It did, however, become a socially fashionable thing to do for the members of the upper classes as a method of demonstrating their utter diseregard for their current magic sword because they had so very many of them). In fact, Ronard’s sword was weakly enchanted and not particularly large or deadly, and his self-proclaimed title of “Magic Sword King” has been seen by some as compensation for this weakness. In fact, it has been noted by many historians that Ronard came to power primarily through the liberal use of his Very Large But Unenchanted Spikey Hammer. The year of his birth would not have been marked as the year zero had it not been for his Proclamation of Superiority, made at Ronard’s celebration of his thirty-third birthday, which stated thusly:

“Yea, verily, I art better than thou, and, to this effect, thusforth, and forevermore, the day of my birth shallst

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be marketh’d as the zeroth year. If thou doth protest this proclamation, feel ye free to deliver a treatise to my Very Large But Unenchanted Spikey Hammer on the matter forthwith.”—Spoken in the royal Proclamiton language by King Ronard in the novel Ronard Beknighted

Not surprisingly, few protested. Early Life His birth ended the horribly bloody and drawn-out conflict between the Low Elves and the Men of the Covenant, although there is disagreement as to the reason why. Many have speculated that Hygrad the Mighty’s prophecy is borne out by the birth of this first Magic Sword King (as it calls for a man who will identify himself as a “King of Sparkling Swords”), although a few are not quite convinced. Reign Nonetheless, Ronard’s placement ended the war, and elevated to King in Mandleclang for it. As King, through coercion, political and economic pressure, and a big hammer, Ronard united most of the leaders of Battal and formed The Kings Council. He also married the princess Caliodora and with her had a son, also named Ronard. With the help of his best friend and advisor, Magic Sword King Lord Greylord, Ronard was able to forge a veritable empire which stretched across all of Battal. With Kings of the line of Ronard as their high king, The Kings Council would be the controlling rulers that governed most of Battal for 800 years, although in-fighting among the members was common, it was not until the Vampyric Wars that the alliance began to weaken, and ultimately collapse. Death Ronard’s death during a game of Agash is described by the Monk, Brother Dranor in the first of the Chronicles of the Magic Sword Kings. Years later the religon of Ronardity was to be built around his legacy. Successors

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Ronard was succeeded by his son, Ronard the Shorter, whose brief reign was noted solely for the king’s excessive bouts of flatulence and, of course, for the destruction of the kingdom in the Vampyric Wars. Botard the Great and Judicious and Such rebuilt the kingdom; his reign marked a peaceable and prosperous time for the people. After reigning for less than a year, he was executed for having proposed a tax on the possession and use of magic swords, and was duly replaced by his second cousin, who was known only as Frogeater Notapuppet. Incidentally, Frogeater immediately dropped the idea of this tax, instead raising taxes on plows and gruel, much to the joy of the magic-sword-beard-trimming nobility. Some historians speculate that Frogeater may have been a figurehead for some form of shadow government run by one or more of these nobles, but these theories are obviously unfounded. Kings of Ronard’s line, such as King Zonard, would continue to surface in Mandleclang where the bloodline was still royal. Sometimes they even rose to larger prominence as a high king among allied nations, but it was not until the Ronard the Medium took the throne 22,000 years later that the line would again rule over all of Battal. See Book 12 of The Elemenstor Cycle for more information on these events. See also:

• Ronard Dynasty

• Unholy Toilet of King Ronard

• Mosaic Platter of Ronard

• What would Ronard do?

Knight Moon Roar

One of the Epic Wolf Men of Mount Wor. A fierce warrior with a big heart, a firey temper, a large drinking problem, and a tremendously bad sense of direction. Knight Moon Roar was an “advance scout patrol knight” of the Wolf Men of Wor. His tale is intertwined with that of the Four Underdogs, having a special bond in particular with Myrtle Breakwind, who showed him tender understanding when they first met and he was hopelessly lost, far

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from home, and a little bit more than tipsy. Helping someone get outside to vomit and then making sure that they don’t die by drowning in it goes a long way toward cementing a friendship. Mentions of a daughter named Slakengrowl back on Mount Wor appear in several episodes. It is for this reason that many fans suspect that Lord Silvermane Snarlsnout, from Book 11, who claims to be of the Slakengrowl Clan, is probably decended from Knight Moon Roar. In a tragic scene in Episode 84 of ElamenSTAR when Knight Moon Roar meets Myrtle again, after the Brainmanglement of the Wizbits, she doesn’t recognize him. First Appearance: episode 116, A Hairy Escape: The Wolf-man is Revealed!

Knobble the Desk

Knobble the Desk was Elemenstor Zuumont’s faithful furniliar. Not only was this heavy oaken desk more than competent in the battlefield, he (unlike his Elemenstor master) also possessed quite a lot of common sense.

Kordish Butter

Kordish Butter, made from the milk of the Kordish Cows, is renowned for being extra greasy.

The Story of Mort and the Kordish butter

A tale told in part by an unnamed character in Book 5 to boost the spirits of Serafina Haberdasheron.

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Unfortunately, in the book this tale is repeatedly interrupted by the barfight Felthar is engaged in at the time, so we do not have all the details. Some of the missing sections are referenced in Book 7. We know that the story begins with Mort the Dairyman delivering a pint of half-and-half to a family, not knowing that the household were mere puppets of a rogue corner bookcase that intended to capture Mort and thereby corner the market on very heavy cream. After substituting Mort’s supply with non-dairy creamer the foul shelving unit tasks him with locating a stick of Kordish butter, knowing that even should he find some he would never be able to hold on to it. It’s unclear how Mort was able to locate the butter, but we know from Book 7 that it involves The Existential Fun-Tack.

“And then Mort declared ‘Who dares to soil my cheese?’” - Book 5

Lady Absinthia

With an outfit full of flourishes of black silk, fishnet, chainmail, leather straps, and tribbit skulls, and a head of short spikey purple hair, Lady Absinthia cut a distinctive profile as one of ELotH’s most powerful reoccuring villianesses.

Birth

Lady Absinthia was born in year 15,673 (TU) in the city of Western Bank, and given the name of Nallah Simuth. Born to a poor servant woman who is unwilling to disclose the name of the father.

Life

Lady Absinthia had the Knack for Elemenstation but in a time when it was not known what this was or how to harness these abilities. She had the ability to make things happen... Dark things.. It isn’t until, at

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the age of 17 when she meets a young man named Petago Kerrik that her true powers blossom. The two quickly became inseperable. As Kerrik demonstrated more and more power, so too did Nallah. The power changed them. Both looking to shed their connections to their mundane lives, they assumed new identities. Nallah took the name Lady Absinthia and Petago took the name Lord Floppyshoe. Quick to point out that this hardly sounded Epic, Nallah suggested Char Reyarteb.

Fame

At the side of Char Reyarteb (after he was turned out by Harbinger Portent), Lady Absinthia helped him lay waste to many towns and commit terrible atrocities. They amassed followers of which Lady Absinthia was the unquestioned leader (Char had little interest in leading disciples). At some point she invented a way to gain absolute power by crafting item later known as Wand of Unlight.

Death

When Char Reyarteb finally rose up and killed his master Harbinger Portent and took the Starborn Gem for himself, the gem dominated his will. The first act the gem compelled Char to undertake was to eliminate the strongest competition in both his life and in the struggle for control of Battal. When he returned to Lady Absinthia’s castle with the Starborn Gem, she took him into her arms and they em-braced. After a long moment Char took his snakehead dagger and drove it deep into Lady Absinthia’s back. He held her tight as she struggled in the throes of death, finally lowering her gently to the ground and reverently closing her eyes. Even as the unconsumed portion of Char wept for her death, against all odds her body shed a single, dramatic tear.

After Death

The Cult of Absinth, lead by the surprisingly immortal Armano, lives on long after their leader is gone. Spreading chaos, and working Dark Elemenstation, they are devoted to ressurecting her. The cult is

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featured in ElamenSTAR Season 3, and makes an appearance in Tales of the Forever Road. Interestingly, they also work to thwart to Char Reyarteb and his followers where possible and appear in Book 12 in the Battle of the Bands of Hardahrock, fighting along side the forces of good.

trivia

• The Swedish Punk Girl Band Nallah takes their name from Lady Absinthia’s true name Nallah Simuth.

• Lady Absinth had a strong aversion to Cheeses.

• After she was killed, there was much rejoicing in the lands, and she was buried in Leng and in that society, Cheeses took on a religious significants.

• without Lady Absinthia, there would be no Char Reyarteb.. some say that this is the primary difference between Battal and Alternate Battal.

• Lady Absinthia was born under the Clockpace Comet.

• In the upcoming anime Elemenstor Gearstrike, the cult is suc-cessful in reviving Lady Absinthia and she is one of the primary antagonists.

Quotes

(taken from The Doom of All Things and the End of Time)

“Say,” remarked Petago, “that’s a lovely outfit... what are those? Kitten skulls?” ”Tribbit,” she corrected him.

“Cheese? Can’t stand the stuff. It’s quite dreadful really.”

Fan Art

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Lands of Va

Geography of Va

Va is a largely-flat but tectonically active area rich in elements such as argon and mercury, with a high percentage of meteroric iron. It is known to change its configuration rapidly, making maps of the region useless. The only consistent feature of the land is the large plateau in Central Va, which is the only inhabitable surface. Va was located East of Portund for many millenia, until The True Unsundering, when it moved to the North of Portund. Its position did not change during The Sundering or The Unsundering, but during The Resundering it shifted several inches to the left. The plateau of Central Va is dominated by the huge Halls of Va. Southwestern Va is home to the famed Mercury Mines of Va.

Politics of Va

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Va was ruled by 23 of the dreaded NightLairds with an iron fist. The NightLairds ruled a population of fify thousand humans, all of whom were dead. After the destruction of the NightLairds in Book 7, there is no record of the new government of the Lands of Va.

Languages of Va

The common people of Va do not speak any languages, on account of being dead. However, the NightLairds speak all languages (even the unknown, unpronounceable and made-up ones) with a fluency and accuracy unmatched by even the greatest scholars. Travellers in the Lands of Va are strongly advised to avoid using adjectives.

Industries of Va

The principal export of Va is boiled mercury, which is renowned throughout Battal as being of superior quality. Captured Witch-Elves are forced to work the Mercury Mines of Va until they finally expire from mercury vapour inhalation. The raw mercury is transported to the Halls of Va for boiling. The proceeds from the boiled mercury trade were spent on building additions to the Halls of Va.

Lapua Elves Movement

The inexplicably named resistance movement among the Dim Elves in which a faction of the Dim Elves grows ardently nationalistic and demands a return to the “wood and soil” of their ancestors. The history of this movement appears in Book 11, but appears to be pasted in from another unpublished work, as it appears to have no connections to the main narrative of the book.

Larrana Modpeer

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One of the High Elemenstors to ally with Sierra Vanity in Book 11. Fought alongside the stoic Revolp Darkblood, for whom she developed a silent longing, as they fought shoulder to shoulder against The Eight Elemental Constructs. Larrana, the raven haired Earth Elemenstor beauty with alabastor skin, brilliant ice blue eyes, and a radiant smile was too shy to approach Revolp about her growing affection for him. Her internal mono-logues finally reach a head in the fevered pitch of the tumultious Battle of the Towers of Elemenstation Power, where she finally cries out to Darkblood that she loves him, has always loved him, and will always love him. It is at that moment that he is impaled by a gigantic lance and he dies right before her eyes. She wasn’t the same after that. Fan Art

Lavatoria

The ancient land of Lavatoria consisted of the western regions of what would later be called Battal. Formed of the Vale of Airth after the Darkstorm, Lavatoria was a vast and barren wasteland of dire swamps, inhospitible mountains, and foggy scorched lowlands. It was into this region that in approximately year -32,400 (TH) that a noble race of Taintless Men was born, one of the first of the races of Men to domesticate wild furniture. This was a race that raised the chore of cleaning to a religious, cultural, and moral expression of their world view. The craftsmen of the Taintless Men developed the art of brewing

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Ornamental Dishwashing Liquid, a substance famed for its puissant ability to clean the scum and taint of evil from even the soiledest of crockery and table-wares. The Dishwashing Liquid Distilleries of Lavatoria produced tremendous amounts of the stuff, storing it in giant underground storage facilities for later use. It was these underground tanks that were discovered much later in the histories of Battal, when the story of Lavatoria had been long forgotten by the races of Men. This led to the belief that Ornamental Dishwashing Liquid was a non-renewable natural resource of the region, not realizing that it was at one time made by laboring craftsmen. Taming the wildernesses of Lavatoria, the Taintless Men established a paradise whose fame spread far and wide throughout the lands. But dark clouds were forming on the horizon of this fabled kingdom. The Hierarchs, jealous of the success of this johnny-come-lately race sought to sew the seeds of evil and dispair, and failing that, to outright destroy the kingdom. The ElemenstorLance Novel, War of the Taints explain how this region at the time of the Million Year War was again a dark, boggy, unclean place (and largely it has remained so throughout Battal’s embattled history) and why no trace of the Taintless Men remained.

Law 323

Entertainment/Tautology Renumera-tion Law

# Magical items that are not made expressly for entertainment purposes are not to be toyed, trifled or twiddled with. ## “Entertainment purposes” are defined as any purposes that would render an item appropriate for toying, trifling or twiddling. ## “Toying, trifling and twiddling” are defined as activities inappro-priate for any item that is not made expressly for entertainment purposes.

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# Any tautologies involved in this law are to be strictly ignored. ## A tautology is defined as an empty or vacuous statement composed of simpler statements in a fashion that makes it logically true whether the simpler statements are factually true or false. ## Furthermore, a tautology in formal logic is defined as a statement that is true regardless of the truth or falsity of its component statements, or that is true by its own definition, or in the case of grammatical tautology, as a fault of style in which the same statement or content is reiterated needlessly. # Given that some sections of this Law are strictly ignored, Clause 2 is to be strictly ignored due to lack of tautologies in this law.

After the controversial Gloobyent vs. Mooblechh case, the Supreme Court recommended implementing a nonambiguous definition for the terms “appropriate” and “inappropriate” or, preferably, a complete revamp of clauses 1a and 1b. During the subsequent Mooblechh vs. Gloobyent case, the mind of the Chairman of the Supreme Court was thoroughly boggled, resulting in the termination of the trial, unprecedented public outrage and a transient crisis in the justice system. Excerpt from the transcript of the Gloobyent vs. Mooblechh case: Prosecutor Grumuffle: Were you or were you not twiddling the Magical item? Lextor the Vextor: That depends what you mean by twiddling.... Prosecutor Grumuffle: I mean simply the legal definition of which we are all aware. You were engaged in activities that were inappropriate for an item that was not expressly designed for entertainment purposes. Lextor the Vextor: (Giggles) Well, that depends on what you mean by “entertainment purposes” (giggles). Prosecutor Grumuffle: (Grumuffles) Clearly, I mean that it was designed in such a way that it was inappro-priate to twiddle it in such a manner. Please answer the question, Mr. Vextor. Defender Pufflewump: Objection your honor, the

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Prosecutor’s statements are circular. He is trying to entrap my client in an infinite regress, and so this entire proceding must be ignored and stricken from the record in accordance with Section 2 of Item Law 323. Judge Wimpleclump: I believe that that section refers to tautologies and not infinite regresses... Defender Pufflewump: With all due respect, your honor, the circularity involved in this infinite regress entails a tautology, regardless of the additional imperative content of the item law. Judge Wimpleclump: Objection overruled. The statements are clearly non-identical. Proceed, Mr. Grumuffle. Prosecutor Grumuffle: Thank you your honor. I will proceed more carefully. Mr. Vextor, weren’t you engaged in activites that are inappropriate for any item that is not made expressly for purposes that would render it appropriate for activites that are inappropri-ate for any item that is not made expressly for purposes that would render it appropriate for activites that are inappropriate for....er...such an item? Lextor the Vextor: Um. I suppose, maybe, I must’ve been by definition? (giggles uneasily) Defender Pufflewump: Objection, your honor. My client was clearly confused into mistaking the regress for a tautology. Judge Wimpleclump: Actually, I’m not so sure that it wasn’t a logical tautology anymore. At any rate, an infinite regress can certainly be understood as a grammatical tautology, which would serve the same end legally... Prosecutor Grumuffle: Objection, your honor, with all due respect, the second Section of Law 323 would be negated anyway, since if the first section actually is a tautology, Section 3 requires that section 2 be ignored... Judge Wimpleclump: Overruled? Is there another regress in there at another level of abstraction? Would that constitute another implicit grammatical tautology? Can I call a brief recess, please...

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The trial of Lextor the Vextor was a major part of the early sections of Book 2

Lextor the Vextor

On trial for violation of Law 323, his trial plays a major part in the beginning of Book 2. He ultimately is found not guilty by reason of recursive grammatical loopholes regarding regressive tautologies, which is of course a common flaw in the system. Lextor is free and on the streets in time to have the Troughberrys and two twin Fire Elemenstors drop out of a dimensional gate fifteen feed directly above where he was bemusedly brushing off his cloak and giggling to himself in chapter 22. He is known to giggle nervously.

Lift Maiden

The Lift Maiden is one of The Eight Elemental Constructs. A being of pure, darkly perverted elemental Carry, the Maiden fashions a form for itself from surrounding materials, always forming a hard outer crust from heavier materials and a juicy center from softer ones. It is also called the Ecreek Ooamp, a reference to its nature as a failure of a failure, a negation of a negation, a wheel within a thing that pokes wheels and breaks them. The main encounter with it occurs in Book 11. First, a pathetic attempt is made to poison the carry energies by diverting the entity through an apple orchard, the thought being that the cyanide in the seeds will poison and destroy it. The entity responds by taking the form of a massive cyanide-spitting cobra. At

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the last minute, a new character named Ray the Telesorcerial arrives along with a regiment from the Dragoon Knights of Wyvernclaw Mountain. He deprives the construct of any surrounding material by the use of telesorc’ley. However, the portgates only serve to spread the dark carry energies, generating an army of smaller Lift Maidens that strive to re-unite themselves. The Lift Maidens are dispersed, but never finally defeated. They continue to hang as a lingering threat through the end of the series. They are discussed briefly in Derrida’s groaningly pun-heavy short essay Spectres of Carry, which was somehow posthumously written.

Linuxium

Tied to everything.

Some consider this element insidiously evil, since its complicated-ness* does not derive only from its relations with element of Ice, but also from a ill willed of a rogue Dyemon called Setag. * Interest-ingly, Linuxium is specifically mentioned as being used in building certain living beings, like Penguins or Dyemons. The element of Linuxium is theorized to have started its existence not as an element*, but as a collection of ‘ripped scraps’ of spacetime, or ‘scripts’**. The formation of the element itself was not so much a single event as a long-term process, contributed to and built by powerful Elemenstors all across Battal who made use of these ‘scripts’ by painstakingly nesting them inside of one another until it took on another form altogether. There are some Elemenstors who swear by Linuxium, claiming it to be ‘the most stable Quaternary Element,’ but sometimes they have trouble getting their Elemenstaves to boot up at all, and Elemenstors who are more versatile make jokes about them behind their backs.

Notes

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• In the P&P RPG, Linuxium is merely defined by saying: “The Complexity Element” ** Its placement on several charts shows it has an elemental rela-tionship to Ice *** Pure conjecture on the part of the fan community. Setag is mentioned only once, in the prolog to Book 7 titled Role Call in the Timeless Pit where he is specifically mentioned as “Setag, pink dyemon lord and sower of complexity.” More speculation. Book 10 makes reference to Penguins and their unique method of procreation in Battal. The interworking of spawn points are cryptically explained in french and contain the words “de l’Inuxium.” * Book 3 Makes reference to a Quarternary element which was artificially crafted, and of such complexity that its use was re-served for the most arcane of knowledge seekers. Ripped Scraps are referred to here. There is enough information here to assume that the process of crafting the “complexity element” could have taken place as described. ** A fan fiction “The Grand Elemenstor of Linuxium” first in-troduces the term “scripts” for “ripped scraps”, and ties together all the lore (although documenting sources and lore is not the focus of the story). This story makes mention of his stave which will not “boot” (as he has dubbed the term for striking stave assisted gears)

List of Sensoared Spells and Gears

Forbidden Spells

• Destructafacation

Double Forbidden Spells

• Ycarip ten retn’i

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Naughty Spells

• Focused Size

Spells That Are Best Not Even to Talk About

Forbidden Gears

• Carry On

Double Forbidden Gears

• Smegmamorphosis

Naughty Gears

• Re-furnilisation, Naughty for a variety of reasons, not the least of which being the terrible re-furnilisation sickness it causes. (See: Book 12)

Gears That Are Best Not Even to Talk About (BNEtTa)

• Permanent Water Reliquidification

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• Deferment

• Universally Loathed Dirty, Dirty Gear

• Bestow Furnithropy

Notes

It should be noted that all gears that are not Forbidden, Double-Forbidden, Naughty, or BNEtTA, should be considered Pending Forbidden, because it is assumed that in the future, some group will object to a gear for some reason or another eventually.

Littleosopher-Kings

After the Slaughter of the Micronic Plains and the culimination of the Great War of Minuschitae, the people of Minuschitae realized that true peace and harmony could only be aquired though truly enlightened leaders. Although called kings, Littleosopher-Kings were not chosen based on heredity but rather through challenge of wits. Two contenders would be chosen to argue about increasingly complex and esoteric subjects until one of them suceeded in saying something so smart that it gave the other a headache. The Littleospher-Kings led Minuschitae into a glorious golden age, during which the arts, science and culture all reached standards beyond anything else ever imagined in Battal. They mandated the development of the standard system of Minuschitian Measures, paid for gigantic (by Minuschtaen standards) public monuments, sponsored painters, bought sculptures, commissioned symphonies, and funded all manner of scientific research. It is suspected that they even realized Minuschitae’s relationship to Battal. After the arrival of Ronard’s Very Large But Unenchanted Spikey Hammer and Yar the Sorcerial, the Littleosopher Kings still continued to rule, but were no longer able to maintain perfection in Minuschitae. “The Rise and Fall of Minuschitae” describes what happened in post-Hammer era, but due to its narrative style, only specifically details how The Minupalypse affected a single Minuschitaen family. Some have speculated that the Littlesophers, using the knowledge harnessed

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during their reign, escaped the Minupalypse undetected and went on to become the first Chronosorcellors (in terms of causality, not time) in an attempt to save their people. Their success or failure in this mission has been seen/is being seen/has yet to be seen.

Longsword +U

Forged by Blacksmith Smithy Blackfinger of Skyfinger, the Longsword+π was made when a magical enchantment was cast on a buckler at the same time as a reflect-magic spell. The enchantment was absorbed and reflected at a nearby longsword, giving it a completely irrational bonus. Unfortunately, it’s nearly useless in combat, as exact damage must be calculated before it is dealt, and hence the value of no individual blow will ever be completely solved—and thus damage will never be dealt. However, if a blow would kill its target, it is possible using High Mathemenstation Psionics to prove that the target will not survive regardless of exact damage, killing it instantly as further calculations are rendered moot. (In the Pen & Paper RPG, all that is needed for this effect to take place is for the player wielding the sword to roll a Fatally Epic Strike against his opponent; however, some game masters contend the exact hit roll must be determined before an Epic Strike can be rolled, thus making the sword utterly useless in combat except when sheathed and used as a blunt weapon.)

This was clarified in errata in volume 2.2.76.1 of the ELotH:TESP&PRPG Official Encyclical -Nathan

Master Chronosorcellor Wangon warns that using Longsword +Pi with Paradox Negating Mittens would in fact create a paradox in a paradox, as the infinite numbers would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens,(...) which would be negated by the mittens,

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the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens,(...) which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be

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which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens etc.

Are you sure this is canon? I thought when I read about the longsword (one of Brahe’s books I believe) the number of times “which would be negated by the mittens” appeared was different. Can anyone check this? I tried myself but I went blind. -TychoCelchuuu

There. I corrected it.Not wanting my head to explode, I added just two (...) signs . The sword is mentioned in Book 8. - Jake

Lopae of Hopea

Lopae was servant and lieutenant to Lord Hopebane of Hopea. An extremely attractive green-eyed, dark-haired girl who was extremely well-endowed naturally, with the Armor of Fullchesthood Lopae was generally considered a safety hazard—more than one workman on a ladder fell to his death gaping at her. Lord Hopebane took full advantage of this fact, having her seduce his political rivals (who he would then, of course, poison). Eventually, having used her to murder his way within a hair’s breadth of the throne, he betrayed and poisoned her. Though unaware of it, she was pregnant at the time of her death. It is believed that through advanced Wind elemenstation (and, though it is extremely disputed, Heart elemenstation) Lady Arisa was able to implant the baby in her own womb. It is believed this is how Lopae was able to have descendants.

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Despite being a relatively minor figure in the Tides of Epic Conflict Saga, Lopae in her armor graces the cover of every book in which she appears. She and her conquests are also an extremely popular target for erotic fanfics, perhaps second only to Serafina Haberdasheron (assuming one entirely discounts the scribblings of the Furnies). Erotic couplings of the two are also quite popular, especially in fanart, despite Lopae being born in 11,362, over eight thousand years before Serafina’s first chronological appearance in Book 5 of the Elemenstor Saga. Lopae also stars in the officially-licensed hentai manga Submissive Conqueror Lopae. It is of minor note that Lopae possesses the largest endowments of any character in the ELoTH universe.

Fan Art

Lord B’gh’d (623 - 850)

Lord B’gh’d, the last of the Apostrophine Lords, was born H’rb T’rl’k in the town of Kr’bc’cl in year 623 of The Magic Sword Kings Period, the son of a tailor and a sorcelly barmaid, who fled town after delivering the child and killing her mate. The child was placed in the care of an orphanage until it was clear that he was powerful not only

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in the crafting of magicks, but also Double-speak and Mastery of Binding Contracts. It was decided that he would be a student of Elemenstor J’kth’sn’k, who was council for the lord of the realm of K’th’ith’h. Unfortunately, during his training, T’rl’k witnessed the death of his master at the hands of a Greater Chiffarobe Daemon and forever turned away from the Elemenstor order. He was subsequently adopted by the sympathetic but completely deranged lord of the realm. T’rl’k was coronated as Lord B’gh’d of K’th’ith’h when his adopted father perished in a horrific butter churn accident. Lord B’gh’d would go on to maintain rule of the kingdom with bureaucratic red-tape until the Vampyric Wars, when he would redeem his namby-pamby rule with valiant acts in battle. He perished in battle on the ramparts of L’fh’ik, under the felblade of Lord Vhadxi in 850, MSKP, the first of the Twelve Realms to fall into ruin.

Lord Kinlo

“Gragh,” the Warriorlock spat, “who are you to question our authority?” The figure, oblivious to the insults, strode further through the impenetrable mists of the swamp. ”Answer us!” the Wutel champion roared. “Answer or die, you lanky interloper!” The figure straightened up. “I... am Lord Kinlo.” ”By the Lost Son,” the Warriorlock sank to his chitinous knees, “now that’s a standard!”—Extract from the Kinlo’s Legacy novella by Art Huwel

Lord Kinlo was an ancient, ten-foot-tall humanoid entity who appears to herald from none of the Khith-Cohoris-Wutel member states. At eleven feet tall* he was a mighty archer, feared by all of his enemies. Never seen without his obsidian armour and his huge ebony halberd, he was feared by all of his enemies, albeit for a suitably

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mysterious and unknown reason. The Khith-Cohoris-Wutel flocked understandably to his standard, which was pretty damn cool looking. He is also the author of several books on warfare and tactics, most notably the three volume work “Weapons and Tactics of the Cohoris” and the short romantic novel “Swords and Scabbards.” Lord Kinlo is generally regarded as one of the most ambitious of all of Battal’s leaders- He did, for example, show he’d face every challenge by agreeing to marry Blatt in order to assure the loyalty of the Khith. Rather cleverly, he proceeded to use his new wife to appease the demands of Wondathil the Wutel Warriorlock (who would later be his most prized Lieutenant), becoming the absolute, undisputed and suitably epic ruler of the Khith-Cohoris-Wutel. Through means not entirely explained he was pulled forward in time (presumably by the likes of Char Reyarteb) to defeat the enemy that prophecy had destined him to fight, the Four Underdogs, as told in the ElamenSTAR anime.

Fan Art

http://elothtes.pbwiki.com/f/kinlo.JPG Yet another sketch attempting to recreate one of Art Huwel’s suitably epic Encyclopaedi Elemenstorus inks. The most well captured aspect must be Lord Kinlo’s suitably impressive shoulderpads! ---

* His actual height in the English feet is unknown. The varied measurements of 10-11’ is based estimation of the Khith measurement of squith where there are ~37 squith to the English foot.

Kinlo’s fame, even outside the hardcore fanbase, has led to his name being applied to the derogatory term “Kinloboy”.

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Somewhat illogically, Kinlo features in The Wizbits Cartoon: first appearing in Dark Wecrets alongside Wootie.

There seems to be some controversy as to how or if Kinlo could have fought the underdogs, but it seems clear that he in fact did. After all, it’s unlikely that it was a different Lord Kinlo.

Lord Silvermane Snarlsnout

Leader of the 39 armies of the Epic Wolf Men of Mount Wor, Lord Silvermane Snarlsnout was an imposing slab of a man despite his short stature and bald head. Legend says he was given the name Silvermane after a friend noticed the astounding volume of white back hair poking over his collar. He became Lord of the Epic Wolf Men of Mount Wor after besting the previous Lord; Francis Dewclaw-McGee, in a no holds barred bear tallow wrestling match. An epic lecher, he was known to have sired over 300 children during his 6 year reign. He met his fate during the final assault on the tree-city of Affenlichtbaum at the age of 26, as documented in Book 11.

Queen of the Elf-Witches. Lyriarra’naasa was marked for destiny from the moment of her birth, on the Night of Auspicious Portents in the Year of Fate. From an early age she demonstrated great proficiency in Elvish Witch Elemenstation, though this was of little comfort to a child with no friends. The other Elvlings, jealous of her abilities and derisive of her uneven legs, ostracised and mocked her. But Lyriar’ranaasa was a strong child, and each taunt, each cruel prank, each theft of her giant shoe only strengthened her resolve to become the most powerful Elf Witch of all time, and to ultimately ascend to the Throne of Queenship.

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Fan Art

Magic Puzzleboxes

A natural phenomena in Battal, the magic puzzlebox resembles an oversized treasure chest that can only be opened either by A) figuring out the magical puzzle contained on it, or B) by pressing a key matching the box’s color against it. Puzzleboxes often contain useful treasure or money (typically Quilder). They feature heavily in The Wizbits Videogames and Elemenstorer. They also appeared in an episode of ElamenSTAR, The War Men’s Day Off (and thus, by association, an episode of The Wizbits Cartoon as well).

Whatsinyeeargh

A variation of the traditional puzzlebox, the Whatsinyeeargh (properly called a Trick Puzzlebox) made its first appearance in Book 3 when it removed the right arm of the rather unpopular character Tyrose. The Whatsinyeeargh, thought to be named for the phrase first used to describe it, is similar to the traditional puzzlebox save for the

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fact that when a limb or extremity is placed inside the lid snaps shut, often with amusing consequences.

Magic Sword Kings

Starting with the line of kings that began with King Ronard, Magic Sword Kings is the general term for a ruler during the The Magic Sword Kings Period, only requiring that they own at least one magic sword. Indeed, the title was applied to some rulers even though they did not bear the title of king, such as queens, overseers, grand high lords, and (in the case of Morlond’s Field) emporors. The last recorded magic sword king was Zonard, who caused The Sundering in battle with Yar the Sorcerial. The Magic Sword Kings were distin-guished by the fact that they all wielded a magic sword of some type or another, which was not uncommon in that day, and were lucky enough to be born to the previous Magic Sword King. (NB: The kingdom did on occasion revert to familial succession when neces-sary. For instance, the crown fell to the royal nephew Bartholomeu Chairglued after the reign of Ginnerfar Notallthere, who, despite his several attempts, failed to copulate successfully with a horse). The rather loose qualifications for being a Magic Sword King meant that, during their reign of almost 10,000 years, a few weak and incompetent rulers did become king. Two of the most brazen examples of this included King Kayfabe, whose spectacular combat prowess was later revealed to be the product of extensive choreogra-phy, and Ginnerfar Notallthere, whose battle cry of “I’m a pony!” is immortalized in the flavor text of the card that bears his name. The Magic Sword Kings Period came to an end in 9,437 with The Longest Moment, when Ronard’s Very Large But Unenchanted Spikey Hammer was lost during a particularly heated game of dwarfball. Although there were people called Magic Sword Kings during the Spica Wars they were little more than warlords, and not good ones at that. Legends from that time mention a prophecy that says whoever finds the hammer will usher in the Second Coming of the Magic Sword Kings, though another reading of the prophecy says that “Lo, He who findeth the Hammer of Ronard shall crack many skulls, yea verily.”

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--- A list of recorded Magic Sword Kings

• Bartholomeu Chairglued

• Botard the Great and Judicious and Such

• Elf-Queen Gwyndlewhythlwend

• Fonard

• Frogeater Notapuppet

• Ginnerfar Notallthere

• High Superintendent Robins

• Julipon

• K’ng P’lv’r

• King Blontyak

• King Kayfabe

• King Lightlute

• King Pomcloud

• King Ronard

• Lord B’gh’d

• Lord Greylord

• Ogema Blood-On-His-Boots

• Overseer Draxle

• Overseer Drihzxi

• Pird Iivi

• Pird Robang

• Ronard the Shorter

• Sovereign Shadomorn

• Steward Earl Sloan

• The Steward Earl Stewart Earle Steward, the Earle of Stew-ard

• Vhadxi

• Zonard Other relevant links

• The Kings Council

• The Twelve Realms of Antior

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Magistrate Prophet Neighsayer

A government official with the ability to see the future that may be, which invariably involves horses, or that is what is generally assumed by the neighing that the MPNs engage in upon viewing the future.

Malatox, The Omni Scarf

A scarf knitted from yarn forged in the burning liquid fire of The Under-Middle World based on a pattern found in an ancient ruin and rumored to have been devised by Adhnaten herself. In Book 1 of The Elemenstor Cycle Horatio the Tribbit finds the scarf in a little-used broom closet beyond The Chamber of Darkening Darkness. Without it he could have never survived the icy flames of Mount Windice. By Book 2 Horatio has left it on the table at the home of Zenethir Foulblade. And so the Omni Scarf slips again through the fingers of mortal Men (and Tribbit) ever seeking the one who can wield its mysterious power.

Mandleclang

Near the middle of the The Shield, and east of the Wang Mountains, nestled within a wide valley, is the land of Mandleclang. The city of Middleclang is its capital. The Mandleclang River runs through the valley, past Middleclang and out into the sea. Founded in the Olde Tymes before the coming of the first Magic Sword Kings, Mandleclang rose to great prominence as the seat of power of King Ronard, who ruled all of Battal as High King of The Kings Council. After the Vampyric Wars, the role of Mangleclang gradually decreased

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in importance, but this suited the population of farmers, merchants, and traders quite well as they enjoyed prospering is sleepy anonymity. Still, its historic past ensured that epic events and trials would happen throughout these lands, if only for the reason that Middleclang lay there. Post-sundering events in Mandleclang set the stage for the events of The Mincing Kingdom, one of the earliest novels of The ElemenstorLance Series. This valley, though close to the home of the dreaded Deathrider Ninja Clan in Graha has seen relatively peaceful times due to its geographi-cal isolation from the other lands. Even the dreaded ninjas seem uninterested in this valley. It is from this land that the latter-day tales of Dogus Brankorking and his binge drinking took place at the Pig’s Annoyance, and Ulfulaz the Historian wrote his chronicle of The Burnten’ed Times.

Cities, Villages, and Hamlets (and other such locations of interest) of Mangleclang

• Middleclang, largest and most prosperious town in Mandle-clang. Also home to the best pubs, and strangely often the hub of Epic for most of Battal.

• Little Vinkum, a sleepy hamlet near Middleclang

• Ardelburg, producers of Middleclang Hurg cheese (shhhhh!)

• Tiny Forest of Minuaten, home of the Cohoris located in north-ern Mandleclang

• Pizzlemoore, famous for two things. Being the birthplace of Harbinger Portent, and their annual fumblaroo tournaments, which bring travellers from all over Battal.

Manwich St Meatily

A muscular, rugged man that travelled the countryside becoming completely and monogomously devoted to various different women.

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Although his devotion was always amorous, sweaty, romantic and complete, each woman he fell in love with died somehow before the end of the ELotH:TES novel; this resulted in nine of these different “loves” throughout the saga. Usually seen wearing his prized treasure, The White Shirt of Muscular Appearance.

Maskatoo

A minor character from Book 11, Maskatoo was a brash young Dark-Elemenstor-to-be and a follower of Char Reyarteb. All that is known about him is that he is loyal to Char, he is of the Water element, and that he has an unusual speech impediment that makes him skip the letter “I” in “bitch,” which he was fond of uttering despite his impediment.

Colonel McAllister

Cloak Rack Furniliar of Steppy in Book 4.

Middleclang

Middleclang is the capital city of the valley kingdom of Mandleclang, situated on the Mandleclang River, which runs directly through the center of the valley (hence its name). The river itself was named after a great battle that was fought there long ago (though many have since suspected it was a great fishing tournament, and not a great battle). During the period of the Magic Sword Kings Middleclang was an important and prominent city in the affairs of all Battal, its forges ringing with the crafting of weapons and armor, and its streets bustling with kings and knights embarking on epic quests.

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After the rebuilding of the city which was mostly destroyed in the Vampyric Wars, Middleclang settled into the prosperous but unevent-ful rhythm that carries it forward. Although having a large popula-tion, a prosperous middle class of traders and merchants, and commerce of all sorts, there are few adventurers, Elemenstors, or heroes that pass through this city. Mostly mundanes going about their lives trying to avoid events of an Epic nature whereever possible. Middleclang, it has been noted, seems very similar in description to that of early sixteenth century London. The Pig’s Annoyance is here, along with its most famous of patrons, Dogus Brankorking, the Wasted Elemenstor and braggart. A slightly less notable patron would be Ulfulaz, a scholar, historian, and “girlish arseholder” (see Duane). The College of Elemenstoration was briefly sited here after the discovery of the famed Middleclang Hurg cheese, but the College was relocated immediately when it was discovered that the cheese was not made locally, merely imported. It is first mentioned in the Anti-Climax of Northeastern Crestplains of Book 3 as reminisced by Nepanor the Nonchalant under death-by-asphyxiation. A well loved but not well remembered sequence of The Rubion Sword:

So under the pressure of layers of voe-filled fabric Nepanor recalls the time in which he walked the fine, well layed cobbled roads of Middleclang. Oh its cheese filled with the subtlest of;;;; fine smell, texture and other things related to cheese. Oh how I will miss you in my passing.

It is last mentioned in Verse 4349 of Book 10:

Ich was auf schnell la overdrive Mandleclang; At the start whence lied the grroooowl roahrrrrr. I can’t let mine and your’s be swayed foul Venderr-bang.

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(I while come back downtown to Middleclang.)

The Middlemoon

The archaic name for the Hidden Moon. It is now realized that the Hidden Moon actually has a much lower orbit than the Bright Moons.

Mike Krahulik

Widely known as “The one in the Pac-Man shirt”, Mike Krahulik was a crazed fan of Tycho Brahe’s. In the end, this fandom gave way to obsession, with Mr. Krahulik attempting to force his way into Mr. Brahe’s home. The resulting struggle (during which it is said Mr. Brahe screamed like a little girl) was ended only when Tycho’s wife subdued Mr. Krahulik with a lamp. Mr. Krahulik was later sentenced to death by Mr Brahe (a sentence yet to be carried out on the grounds that Mr Brahe does not have the authority to order executions) for his actions. Mr. Brahe, some say, was even less lucky; his back broken and his testicle rendered useless, Tycho sank into a deep depression that many believe led directly to his infamous “drinking and pill binge” stage. The incident was also responsible for nearly bringing an untimely end to The Elemenstor Saga, which was incomplete at the time of the attack. It is widely believed that Mr. Krahulik is the founder of the Dark Fourteen. Though no direct evidence can be found of this, he has neither confirmed nor denied the accusation. It is also rumored that Mike Krahulik is the true identity of The Wizbits Kid.

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Million Year War

The Million Year War was the thousand year long bloodbath that caused the creation of the Chasm of Eternal Sorrow. The best descrip-tion of this war takes place in the Evolution of Eternal Sorrow graphic novel series, but even there facts are scarce. The main players in the war and locations are never named, however, the fighting seems to have started due to The Horseless Nomads of the Chasm wanting free horses from a wonderous kingdom. The result, however, was frenzied fighting in the Chasm for a thousand years, ending when the unnamed king asked the spirits of hatred within to give to whomever could enter with kindness and peace the power to change the world.

Many have wondered why the Million Year War is named as it is, seeing as it lasted only a thousand years. The only hint we have to this comes from an episode of The Wizbits from the third season. Entitled Where is that Pesky Chasm?, one of the books they use when researching the location of the Chasm is The War That Lasted A Million Years by one Seer Liebchek. Penny, putting the book down, casually mentions that the good seer “should have payed more attention in math class.” Most believe that this suggest that this Seer Liebchek was only one to chronicle this war, and got the math totally wrong. An alternative explanation for this mis-naming is that the creation of the Chasm of Eternal Sorrow by the Darkrift, which both precedes and follows the formation of the Chasm, caused nothing whatsoever to happen for millenia, extending the phenomenological experience of the war without actually expanding its duration. The happening of nothing may have created a very large and dark rift in the fabric of timenes itself. This theory is generally corroborted by references to the very same episode of the Wizbits, Where is that Pesky Chasm?, which features some overlong, unexplained shots of MooMaa’s Darkrift Fedora, followed by shots of Seer Liebchek staring blankly, followed by shots of the Darkrift Fedora, from which the overlaying monologues have apparently been eliminated.

MooMaa

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MooMaa was the epic Dyemon-Ghost defeated by The Wizbits during the course of the animated series. Having access to all the best powers of dyemon and ghost, MooMaa was not someone to be messed with. Knowing they could not defeat MooMaa in a physical, head on clash, they instead managed to defeat him with a battle of wits in the Chasm of Eternal Sorrow after using their incredible *whirrrrrr*-making abilities to gain his attention.

Story

(This is a bit sloppy, I’ll admit. I’m going to re-read MooMaa’s back story, and try to tidy things up later. Stay with me, though, I’ll give MooMaa the write up he really needs~Blueant)

MooMaa has a very impressive background that easily explains how he came to wield the powers of both dyemon and ghost. It starts long ago, with a young farmer named Moothan Maanathis who discovered an eggplant of an oddly intense shade of purple (indigo, really) in the Dread Caverns of Lo’os. The shade of purple for this particular eggplant is described as “otherworldly” in Book 3 of Tycho Brahe’s works. Young Moothan was a would-be adventurer with great plans for the future, but this fateful meeting would change all of that. Forever. Moothan, eschewing the rest of the treasures found within the Caverns, snatched the eggplant and scurried away to the safety of his farming-hovel on the edge of town. It was there that the true nature of the eggplant was revealed. The ‘plant held the concentrated essence of Brainmanglement Elemenstation—One of few such containers in all of Battal. Whispering promises of power and corruption to the young farmer, Moothan began the slow descent into pure madness, eventually ending with the death of Moothan after the ingestion of the ‘Plant. As it ravaged his soul, changing him in mind and body, the strain proved to be too much; Moothan passed away, his entire world pain. But death would not be the end for Maanathis. He would not be

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blessed with eternal slumber. His memories heavily damaged by the pure Brainmanglement, he was left with only the first parts of his name, MooMaa, and an intense hatred for all life, particularily crops of various sorts. The ghostly MooMaa quickly began to terrorize the small farming community from which he came, ruining crops left and right with his ectoplasmic blade, Howling Dark. It is thought that the revival of MooMaa’s spirit was due to the reemergence of The Word Itself back into timespace. At this point in time, the village called upon the services of Low Elemenstor Rosinquist, a shady character with limited knowledge of High Elemenstation. He was able to banish MooMaa down to the Chasm of Eternal Sorrow for the time being, but at great cost—Rosinquist was forced to make an Infernal Bargain with The Nastiest of the Nastiest Planes, so great was MooMaa’s hatred towards all life. It was there, however, that MooMaa met the Dark Master, who, upon seeing MooMaa’s intense but badly-focused ghostly hatred, imbued him with the powers of the Dyemons, enabling him to begin his evil deeds as seen in The Wizbits. But it came, as do all Dyemon-gifts, with a curse. MooMaa’s? A crippling weakness against high pitched “whirring” noises, which the Wizbits were able to exploit throughout the course of the series.

It is important to realize that the kanji 夢魔 is read as “muma,” the

Japanese word for “nightmare.” Although MooMaa’s name is

always rendered as ムーマー in the titles and the scripts, it seems

clear from the clues provided in ElamenSTAR that MooMaa was intended from the very first to someday wake from his own personal nightmare. The implicit references to the dreaming Red King in Alice and Wonderland make for fascinating literary inquiry on the level of Tycho Brahe’s Elemenstor Cycle. When MooMaa meets his final end in Funeral for a Fiend, we see the effects of that awakening.

Powers of MooMaa

• Master of Brainmanglement

• Master Ecto-swordsman

• Master Dyemon-broker

• Master Gourmet

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• Can Turn Into a Dyemon-Ghost Horse

• Master of Sleight-of-Hand

MooMaa Trivia

• Originally smoked constantly in the Japanese cartoon, the cigarette was edited out for the American release, but oddly enough, the actual smoke was left in.

• May actually be the Lost Son of the Wutel, even though he is not, in fact, a Wutel.

• Owns the Darkrift Fedora, possibly the most powerful hat in all of Battal.

• Widely considered the “Boba Fett” of the ELotH:TES se-ries.

• Rumoured to have been so named as a snub against Brahe’s Moominist religious leanings. However, more likely derived

from the Japanese word for “nightmare,” 夢魔 (romanized

as “muma”). MooMaa, of course, would go through several redesigns over the course of The Wizbits, the most infamous being the widely-reviled Starfish Moo Maa, which would first appear after MooMaa’s apparent ultimate defeat at the hands of the Wizbits, when he reformed in the Chasm of Eternal Sorrow for the eighth time, more powerful then ever before. As the name would suggest, Starfish Moo Maa resembled nothing more than a giant Ghost-Starfish with a talking sword made out of ectoplasm.

MooMaa’s Forms

MooMaa’s other forms include (In order of appearence): (Note that this is not a complete list)

• Bladeweaver Moo Maa

• Quickhand Moo Maa

• Swiftstep Moo Maa

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• UpDown Moo Maa (Only seen in the CCG, UnRare in the Sorrow Knife expansion)

• StrangeCharmed Moo Maa

• Beastlord Moo Maa

• Penultimate Moo Maa

• Ultimate Moo Maa

• Starfish Moo Maa

• Hyper Moo Maa

• Devastation Moo Maa

• And, the final form seen in ElamenSTAR, Moo Maa Propa-gation

MooMaa’s non-canonical forms include:

• Razor God Moo Maa

• Yellow King Moo Maa

• Frost Blitzer Moo Maa

• Crab Wraith Moo Maa (as featured in Destiny of the Strands of Fate)

• BBQ Moo Maa

• Nacho Moo Maa

• Ranch Moo Maa

Rumors abound that MooMaa would have gotten the star treatment he so rightly deserved in the fourth season, and that he will be a co-star in the upcoming Erotic Blade of Shanari adults-only graphic novels.

Mordichai Alamede

“What, why are you so depressed? I mean, come on. The sun is shining, there are slightly fewer Lizardmen, and at least there’s not been any Grey Death lately.” - Mordichai Alamede

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The self-described “World’s Happiest Mortician,” Mordichai Alamede is one of the main characters of Book 11. Born into a poor family, he first showed signs of the Knack at the tender age of 10, when he was still shovelling graves for his father. Having heard much about the boy’s talent, Sierra Vanity employs him during Book 11 to help fight the Hierarch Wars. While sending a 10-year-old boy into combat may seem either hilarious or terrible/hilarious, Mordichai had astonishing skill at Stream elemenstation; he was technically a Mage, having also learned minor Sorcery from Earth, Death, and Carry. Further, while other Elemenstors sported intimidating battlestaves, Mordichai was secure enough in his power as Elemenstor to wield a delicate silver bell as his focus. Further, when not pitched in battle, he could play a merry bell-tune to liven up circumstances. His “amazing jingle” was perhaps the “selling point” for Sierra Vanity, who just couldn’t say no to a good jingle. Disturbingly, his amazing jingle was what pulled the Epic Wolf Men of Mount Wor out of the frying pan during their battle against the Gorthmaugs, rather than his skill at magic or his myriad other magical items. After the Hierarch Wars end, Mordichai retired to bury people, and lots of them.

In The Wizbits Cartoon

A tribute character—implied to be an ancestor of Mordichai—is Mordechai, the gallant Jewish (seriously) Apothecarist and gravedigger friend to the Wizbits. Instead of aptitude with bells, however, Mordechai is adept at grave-robbing and sporting mysterious tentacles, as expounded upon in the classic hard-rock album Tentacles of Mysterious Origin.

One of the twelve realms destroyed in the Vampyric Wars.

The Insanity

Morlond’s Field was a rarity among the twelve realms in that every member of its population was insane. Some blamed a twist in the

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Elmether, others poor breeding habits. Either way, from farmer’s hallucinating about Dolphinthropes in the fields to princes believing they were in fact the reincarnation of Harbinger Portent, not a single one had their head screwed on right. Oddly enough, from a historical perspective nothing altogether idiosyncratic happened in Morlond’s Field in comparison to the other twelve realms. At the outbreak of the Vampyric Wars, many able bodied Morlond’s Fielders left their homes and hearths in search of battle, adventure, and glory. A third of those who left home ended up in their neighbour’s garden, battling the dreaded troughberries. Another third made their way to Vhadxi and asked him if they could join his army of the unliving. The last third managed to combine themselves with the other armies of the twelve realms and provided the most dangerous infantry one could find in such a troubled age. Provided that you could convince them that the ground wasn’t breakfast and that clouds wouldn’t eat them. Due to the insanity of the populace Morlondian self rule was impossible. Over a tenth of the peasantry believe themselves to be King of Morlond’s Field, and most kings of the land were under the delusion of being peasants. Somehow another tenth of the peasantry manages to delusionally believe that they are peasants. Morlond’s affairs with the other twelve realms are controlled by The Eyuda who have no difficulty operating in the land due to the fact that their cryptic remarks can mean anything, and hence fit with any madness the populace may have. Critics of The Eyuda suggest their presence as a possible cause of the lands madness. The other major theory for the origin of the madness is that one of the Hierarchs created the land based on the contents of a Drawer of Chansing.

The Aftermath

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Due to the general chaos in Morlond’s Field, this realm was actually one of the first to recover after the end of the Vampyric Wars. Awakening from their madness as if from a dream, the people of Morlond’s Field said one unto another, “What were we thinking?” Even though no centralized government arose, many peaceful and sleepy hamlets arose on the gentle sloping grasslands of the field, and even during the ravages and uncertainty of The Wandering Age, this region was relatively free of strife. A series of autonomous governing townships arose across the fields, and this system remained in place even through the rise of the elemenstors. Well-known Townships:

• Brownshire Township

• Greenborough Township

• Redbrick Township Interestingly, due to the history of the region madness is extremely well tolerated, perhaps even admired.

Mort and the Day Absolutely Nothing of Any Import Hap-pened

A story of Mort the Dairyman referenced several times in the books, but thankfully never transcribed. It seems ridiculous that this story would be a favorite of almost every character in the books, but keep in mind that in a place where world-shaking events happen three times before lunch it is absolutely fascinating to hear the story of a dairyman out on his daily business without incident. Comforting, really. It should be noted that the Day Absolutely Nothing of Any Import Happened has become a reference that would be instantly recognizable to all of those in Truly Unsundered Battal.

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“Father, please tell me again of the time Mort The Dairyman traveled door to door delivering milk-based wares, and was not beset upon by trolls.” - Orphenna Troughberry Book 2

Mort and the Earl of the Pi-rates

The tale of Mort the Dairyman and his meeting with the Earl of the Pirates while on a mercy mission to the island kingdom of Kingdom Isle. This is told in Book 2 and is the shortest of the tales of Mort that are fully transcribed. Because it is so short, I have excerpted the entire text below, along with some of the surrounding text needed to set the mood.

The old man by the bar turned down the volume on his pipe and added more tobacco. ”You haven’t seen a hornpipe before, then, have you?” ”Only once. I traveled by sloughboat a number of years ago, and a member of the crew used one. The sound is distinctive. What confuses me is why someone in the deep interior would use a seafarer’s instrument.” ”Ah, are you familiar with the story of ‘Mort and the Earl of the Pirates’?” ”I can’t say I have heard that one before.” ”The listen and you will be enlightened.”

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The island kingdom of Kingdom Isle was suffering from a severe shortage of Counterintuitively Heavy Cream, which they needed desperately to fortify their defenses. Without it, they were likely to face invasion from any one of their neighbors. They sent for help from the mainland, but none of the deliveries ever made it to the island. In despair they called upon Mort the Dairyman. After ascertaining that their cause was just and their bills were not past due with the Dairy Board, Mort contracted a ship and loaded it with 3,000 pints of his finest. As they passed the shoals of Way Out In The Middle Of Nowhere, near the Pointy Rocks of Plot Contrivance a ship pulled up asking for supplies. As they pulled alongside, Mort joined the crew at the railing and called over to ask what had happened. ”The crew is going mad from coffee deprivation. Our entire supply of half-and-half was lifted from the hold when we were attacked by a school of giant octopii.” Mort frowned. ”Octopodes?” Mort’s frown deepened. ”Fine, what then?” ”’Octopuses’, I’m afraid.” ”You’re kidding.” ”No. And given your poor grasp of proper grammar I suppose I should also warn you that the plural of ‘toothbrush’ is not ‘teethbrush’. How did they get aboard?” ”They didn’t. They felt their way into the hold with their tentacles.”

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”As I suspected: you lie! As any ichthyologist can tell you, an Octopus has a separate brain stem for each tentacle, and as such has no way of telling where its tentacle is without looking.” ”Argh, you have found me out. I am in actuality Bo Ushi, Earl of the Pirates and subject to the whims of no man. Excepting of course the King of the Pirates, the Duke of the Pirates, and the Marquess of the Pirates.” ”What of the Minister of the Pirates?” ”No, that is only under a parlimentary system.” ”My mistake,” smiled Mort. ”It will be your last . . . attack!” At that moment a sound much like the side of a ship being pierced by a large jagged rock with the ocean rushing in behind it echoed about them. Ushi turned to see that the side of his ship had been pierced by a large jagged rock and the ocean was rushing in behind it. ”How can this be,” he wailed, the waves already lapping at his feet, “I only just revealed who I am. There wasn’t enough time for you to drive our ship against the Pointy Rocks of Plot Contrivance!” Mort waved sorrowfully at the pirate and explained. “I took the liberty of suggesting this course of action to the captain before we started talking. If I had been wrong I would have signaled him to stop, but it seems my concerns were well founded. Kingdom Isle will receive its Counterintuitively Heavy Cream. So says Mort the Dairyman.” ”Mort the Dairyman? Had I known I would have let the ship pass rather than take the risk,” the Earl of

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Pirates said. Or would have said had not the water risen above his head. Instead it was more like “Blub, blub, blub.” ”An interesting story,” said Heeroh, breaking the silence, “but are you claiming to be that pirate?” ”Certainly not,” the old man chuckled. ”A descendant perhaps?” ”Unlikely.” ”Then I fail to see what the purpose of your story is.” ”The purpose,” the elderly gentleman mused, puffing once more at the hornpipe, producing a tunefull burst of smoke, “Ah yes, the purpose was to create a distraction while my partner crept up behind you with a sword. And now you shall hand over the contents of that purse you carry.” There was a tense moment that was finally interrupted by a terrible rush of heat and a brief rain of small, very foul smelling, ash. Suddenly everyone else in the tavern had the strong urge to pretend they had never even heard of the old man. ”Can’t keep out of trouble for even a few minutes by yourself, can you?” ”Oryand. Let’s go find our room, shall we? And bring along the gentleman with the hornpipe. He may have some information we need, and I think he is going to consider the fate of his partner and find it in his heart to be very helpful.”

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Mort and the Unusually Big Cow

Story of Mort the Dairyman and his attempt to deal with an unusually big cow that terrorizes a small town. The story begins when Mort learns that his seven regular-sized cows have been replaced by one very large cow of equal milk producing capacity. This greatly improves productivity, but ultimately proves to be a bad move; upon returning home from his delivery rounds, Mort finds the large cow has been killed by a wandering Troll. He now has until sunrise of the next day to retrieve his original seven cows, which have been entombed in crystal and hidden in dungeons across Battal, or else he will lose his illustrious milk-route to another dairyman. In the end, it is learned that the large cow long thought dead is actually the Unusually Big Cow (who faked his own death), a villainous figure intent on destruction. Mort must use his wits and the skills he has acquired rescuing the seven regular-sized cows to defeat the Unusually Big Cow before it destroys a small town. It is, some say, a thrilling read.

“Ah, as I suspected . . my old enemy the Unusually Big Cow!” ”Moo.” - Book 1

Mort and the Yogurt of Doom

This tale takes place immediately after Mort the Dairyman returns from the adventure of Mort and the Unusually Big Cow. The first part details the process by which Mort produced his famous Dellberry Yogurt. This tasty treat was so popular that rumor claimed Mort had to make several trips through time to deliver it to various

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auspicious brunches given by nobles who could afford the shipping. On this occasion, however, Mort’s supply of Lactobacillus was replaced with a rather virulent form of Lackobacillus, which is almost indistinguishable thanks to the law of similar sounding names. As the story unfolds we find that a “villainous villain” (I’m afraid I must use Tycho’s unfortunate turn of phrase here) had done this knowing that Zonard was about to hold a particularly nice early-morning party, and had sent for some dellberry yogurt. Mort delivered the yogurt, but just as the guests sat down to a delicious meal he returned to the castle in full flight riding his dairy cart into the very hall of the king exclaiming “Hold, your majesty, foul plans are afoot!” It seems that while returning from his delivery, Mort noticed that the dellberry yogurt was a full three shades more mauve than it should have been. Thinking quickly he turned around to warn the king. Zontar himself was saved, an act that would later delay The Sundering 24 hours leading to the Day Absolutely Nothing of Any Import Happened, and also saved all but one of the brunch guests. The one guest who died had snuck a taste of the yogurt while everyone else was finding their seats, and it was generally agreed that his rudeness was well-paid.

“Little did Mort know that, while he was on his quest, a villainous villain, villainously plotting villainy with the villainage, had villainiacally switched the lactobacil-lus, a rod-shaped bacteria used in the production of yogurt by processing lactose from glucose and creating an acidic environment that prevents the formation of more harmful bacteria, with lackobacillus, which kills all who eat it and is not actually used in any dairy industry.” - Book 3

Mosaic Platter of Ronard

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“One place setting per man, to bring them to the table. One ladle, or pair of tongs, to command them. And One Platter to unleash the wrath of the Ages upon them.” -The Dark Master

It is said that the Mosaic Platter of Ronard is not of Battal. The Platter appears to be made of colorful glass blocks, arranged in such a way as to resemble the First Magic Sword King, Ronard, and adorned in a brilliant shiny silver metal. (with little flecks of gold in it, and perhaps even a hint of dazzling mitherilium ore) The glass itself is brighter, shinier, more boldly colored and more translucent than any glass known to all of Battal. And the shiny silver metal is “even more reflective than the most reflective mirrored surfaces in all the land.” (*1) The other-worldly craftsmanship were enough on it’s own to convince any who saw the platter to believe that it was not created by any mere mortal. However it was the amazing Feats that The Platter performed that would cause scholars throughout the ages to proclaim it as a Remarkable Artifact of the world. For instance, The Platter could carry the weight of 36 men! It’s also been told that when washed with warm, soapy water, The Platter would dry itself with no assistance from man, and there would remain no soapy residue! How King Ronard came to possess The Platter is a mystery for the ages. Some believe it was passed to him by a higher power, to be used for the salvation of man and to prevent future Sunderings (or to repair any Sunderings that should happen). Other scholars suggest that perhaps it was the Dark One himself that forged The Platter in the King’s image, with the intent of tricking him into causing more Sunderings to happen. No one knows for certain. All that is known is that the Ronard died before ever having the chance to use the Platter, and it was rumored to have been stolen from his bedroom on the eve of his death by a mischievous Pixlie. Talk of the wondrous platter became legend over the course of many years. Legend eventually turned to myth, after several generations. Myth ultimately gave way to utter speculation by the time the Tribbit Horatio was born. However it was this simple Tribbit that would bring The Platter back from the icy fires of Mount Windice and

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“unleash” it upon Battal! (*2) *1 - (Ref. Aardnarsh’s Compendium (IV Vol.), pg. 617.) *2 - (Ref. Tycho Brahe’s Elemenstor Cycle Book 1: The Fires of Mount Windice

Mount Windice

As documented in Aardnarsh’s Compendium (XI Edition), the Nartuush Tribe of the Arcane Northern Realms live in the shadow of Mount Windice. In their legends, after the birth of the world, it was formless and without shape. In their mythology, the world then underwent a series of what they referred to as Breakens. After each Breaken an element of what they called The Fully Formed was thrust into existance, forever changing the shape of the land. It was during the Fourth Breaken, or so their story goes, that the world spewed forth the towering peak of Mount Windice in a violent, screaming maternal gush. This gargantuan summit is a monolith of stone and ice. It is said that in the core of this mountain courses the burning liquid fire of The Under-Middle World. (The same fire, according to Rickett’s and Toby’s Guide, Volume 19, that was instrumental in the forging of Malatox, the Omni Scarf.) Many an unwary traveler to Mount Windice has found himself consumed by the fiery burning of its icy cold. (Many Nartuush died to bring us this information.) Tycho Brahe’s Book 1: The Fires of Mount Windice details the journey of the young Tribbit, Horatio (son of Julio, son of Hermes, as you’ll recall) as he embarks on a quest that will lead him straight to the towering inferno of frozen despair that is Mount Windice!

Notes

The information in Aardnarsh’s XI includes the accurate portrayal of the Nartuush’s beliefs about the birthing of Mount Windice. Do not confuse this with the information in Lazlo’s Geographical Tome which was commonly considered authoritative for many years. Lazlo’s suggests that the myths of the Nartuush state that Mount Windice

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was spawned during the 3rd Breakening, but this was later proven to be impossible. This is because we know that Eloth’ora Maxene was born BEFORE Mount Windice was spewn from the world, and she was clearly born at the beginning of the Third Breaken Period (ref. R&T’s Guide, Vol. 12) the information in Lazlo’s cannot be true.

Mount Wor

Mount Wor is the mountain that was formed during the The Unsundering. The mountain has its own flora and fauna, for example The Nuerbarg Ants

Much later, different races, most notably the Epic Wolf Men of Mount Wor and the Quilp, begin to build civilizations around the newly created mountain. Cloistered within a haven at the base of the mount is the embedded fortress of The Gizmonic Arcanum. Later, a cliff of Mount Wor plays an important role in the Betrayal Of Princess Crystalcrown. Pushed against Mount Wor is The Smoos of The Sickle, specifically Mount Garmore son Pellistamon home of the child warrior tribe of the Smoo. Mount Wor remains on The Shield during The Resundering. A small cult of stark raving mad prophets known as Wortrops set up a village on its summit and watch for signs of The True Unsundering. See also Mont Elim.

Mountain Dew Epic Black

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A special tie-in drink made just before Book 13 came out. Black was chosen as the first flavor because of the number of characters in The Elemenstor Cycle who wear black. When asked what “black” would taste like, the first non-potentially-illegal-and/or-fight-causing suggestion that came up was “burnt toast scrapings.” Thus, the final flavoring for Mountain Dew Epic Black was the taste of Mountain Dew Code Red with added black coloration. It was moderately successful. The sugar content is ridiculous. One of three brands sanctioned for three-bottle battles.

Mucksuckers

Mucksucking is the primary occupation of choice for Tribbits of The Dank. It involves scraping bits of gelatinous matter from the scaled and peeling back of Dooblegnards. Not only are the working hours flexible, but on ocassion the Mucksucker enjoys a tasty gem of congealed sweat amongst the crusty barnacles he scrapes off, which makes for quite the treat! Horatio of Luskfish’s only ambition was to join his kin as a Muck-sucker before his corruption by the Pixlie Bibee in Book 1 of Tycho Brahe’s Elemenstor Saga.

The Mud King

Known as Gchuuuuuuurt is the clicking, popping, slickly language of the Mud Men. The Mud King rose to power, wearing the Mud Ring, riding on the back of a Mud Cow, and bearing Mudstick, a “magic sword” that was the sign of his office. The Mud King was loved by his people, whom he lead out of Portund and south to fields of mud unrivaled by anything seen by even the eldest of the Mud Men. His people prospered and became bold. He lead his people in a series of campaigns known as the Particularly Dirty Raids.

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As told in the ElemenstorLance novel, Mudlake, the Forester, the Mud King was known to be a closed minded harsh critic within his society, with little tolerance for change or anything that may be considered avant-garde. He entirely destroyed a village of his own people who were poets and abstract artists, working with colorful mud mediums, by breaking a dam that was up the valley from this colony. Within the fan community, those who reject pieces of official canon because they are “too out there” or they just “don’t get it” are usually referred to by those “in the know” as Mud Kings. Many of the articles in this very wiki about The Elemenstor Cycle were written by Mud Kings, and suggest that certain books were nonsense or not well received by the fan base.

Mycho Eharb

Born 23,333 into a middle-class family of Terle. Even as a boy, Mycho is described as having fits of alternating extreme rage, and flashes of brilliant insight. His gift for word craft enabled him to secure a position as scribe to Lady Gimba and apprenticed himself as a Carry Elemenstor. Ultimately his slumps of depression and self loathing distanced him from his peers and he took to spending long hours high alone in the dustbin closet that he called his own. The time was not misspent however. Eharb penned the Somewhat Epic Trilogy: Hot Times on Little Earth, a trilogy of Epic popularity in Battal. But the series brought him fame. More fame than his stunted social skills could afford him. People assumed that his quickness with a pen and sharp multilayered observations would make him an equally witty conversationalist. This got him invited to the most swank of parties, even an invite to Arkazanthal’s annual lavish Welcome Day Ball in ‘66. Unfortunately the social pressures proved to be more than he could handle, and so began the infamous Dragonapple Wine Bender.

It seems obvious to me that Mycho Eharb is a symbol for Tycho Brahe himself and the character gives us particular insight into the personal-

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ity of Mr. Brahe. Alas, I seem to have somehow misplaced my copy of Book 6 wherein Mycho gets more facetime than anywhere else in the cycle. I would appreciate it if someone less careless than myself could flesh out his character page a bit, as he always was one of my favorites. -256

How the heck did you come to that crazy conclusion? Are you bonkers? Off your rocker? Nutty to the max? -TychoCelchuuu

Myrkmoom

It is unclear whether Myrkmoom is part of Battal or not. Some say it exists inside a dimensional bubble between the planes of Elmether. Others claim Myrkmoom is in fact one of the Nastier Planes. Inhab-ited mostly by Dyemons, Elemonstrosities and the nefarious Myrkmoomin, the place certainly is nasty. The Dark Elemenstrix Kapybara called Myrkmoom her dominion, although the extent of her power over its inhabitants was question-able.

ELotH:TES Canon

Myrkmoom is visited only two times in The Elemenstor Cycle. In chapter three of Book 10, Kapybara hosts an obscene poetry reading night for Dark Elemenstors at Myrkmoom Mansion. In Book 11, the Elemenstor Zuumont ventures into Myrkmoom to find out if the rumors about abominable Bathtub Furniliars were true, and barely escapes with his life. In The Wizbits Cartoon, however, Myrkmoom is visited several times, some of these visits featuring a belligerent teenage Kapybara. The cartoon’s somewhat non-canonical way of presenting the Myrkmoomin has angered many Tycho Brahe fanatics; however, because The Wizbits

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Cartoon is non-canonical their anger is misplaced at best. The Myrkmoomin are scarcely depicted at all in the canonical Japanese ElamenSTAR—but when they are depicted, it is with their nefarious nature fully intact.

The NightLairds

The 23 NightLairds ruled the dreaded Lands of Va with an iron fist. They were completely impervious to all forms of damage, except for their one weakness: Boiling mercury. Nine feet tall and always wearing heavy and badly battered dark grey plate armor, no part of the skin of the NightLairds was exposed. The helmet of their armor protruded forward in almost a duck like way, and it is unknown if this is in order to compensate for an usual physiology or a stylistic flair to the already rather eccentrically constructed armor. What a NightLaird may look like under the armor was the subject of a fair amount of fan debate, some fans even putting forth that perhaps they were just animated armor all along. The NightLairds were dreaded for their cruel mastery of language, which fuelled their habit of flaying alive any traveller who uses adjectives. The child protagonists of Book 7 managed to talk their way into the NightLairds’ sanctuary, the Halls of Va, using only the third person subjunctive tense and prepositions, then spent nearly sixty pages of Book 7 as prisoners of the NightLairds, conversing entirely in verbs for fear of their captors overhearing. The NightLairds were finally destroyed when the children tricked all 23 of the NightLairds into stepping backwards into a vat of boiling mercury which the NightLairds had carelessly left uncovered, allowing them to claim the iron fist and continue their journey through the perilous Lands of Va.

The NightLairds

# Mjaestrom the Red Cloaked # Ninnygimber Pie Flaken # Shilo the Lawspeaker

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Anybody remember the names of others? I know there were 23 of them.

Nightstand

There are three rules you are taught the day you enter the Institute Of Accoutermentia. # Always keep your rubian safe. # Don’t ever doubt the power of Dark Elemenstation. # Never bring a nightstand to life. Generally regarded as one of the most difficult manifestations of rubian crystals, the animation of a nightstand is a taboo that dates back to the very first days of High Elemenstation. Some believe that the difficulty in creating a nightstand is because the beings are inherently slightly infurnal and thus require a minimal knowledge of Blood elemenstation. High Elemenstation is partialy based on the concept of the ineffable Allsoul that lives within all items. Even before an item is transchanted to life, it is somewhat aware of its surroundings. For reasons as yet unknown, the nightstand becomes very bitter about its station over the course of its Non-Life. It is theorized that it grows bitter, being pushed to the side of the bed, little more than a shelf for night-time reading or false teeth. Nightstands, when animated, become remorseless killing machines. They prefer to enter the home while the victim sleeps, then perch by the end of the bed and watch the victim sleep, possibly for hours, before silently murdering them and slipping away into the night. It is rumored that a Nightstand was responsible for some of the most brutal massacres of the age of The Savage Brutality Of The War Men.

There it stood, outlined against the sterling silver moon. It was the Nightstand. Felthar struck with his

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Elemanifestation of Penetrating Tentacles, but the savage stool managed to break free, being stronger than he could imagine. “Cubby!”, cried Felthar, “Cubby, where are you?”. It was the moment of dread, Felthar later would say. He could hear the fulminations shouted at him by a savage beasts. And then, the first false jaw sprang at him from the darkness. ~Book 6, chapter 5

One of the best documented cases of Nightstand related chaos is chronicled in Book 6: Nightstand’s Peril. This abomination of magic was brought about by Gorg Stinkrot. It is believed that the Elemenstor who transchants a Nightstand has nothing to lose, or is a total nutfob idiot. Probably both - see Gorg Stinkrot.

Niozeyon

The Lair of the evil Char Reyarteb in ElamenSTAR Season 5. After he is destroyed in this place in the final battle between the Four Underdogs and he does not appear corporeally in canon sources again until Book 11 of the Elemenstor Cycle. (or possibly Book 10, although there is some debate there) Niozeyon is a hastily constructed magical fortress constructed by Earth Elemenstation of Char Reyarteb himself, and after the fiend was defeated, the fortress itself collapsed, although an evil stain was left on the land for centuries to come. The Fortress exists among the foothills southwest of Mount Volcanus, south the the Dim Elf Lands.

Noddy Chillbreezey

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High Elemenstor Noddy Chillbreezey is known to history for subduing the Dolphinthropes force along with evil cohorts the Chthonic Swinemen and the Homo Canii. He was able to do so by utilizing forbidden powers of the farthest reaches of Elmether, which eventually resulted in his insanity. Eventually he committed what was universally called an extremely distasteful suicide.

Non-Life

The so-called Non-Life of matter—usually furniture of some sort—is the interval of time in which a piece of furniture maintains its existance. During a piece of furniture’s Non-Life, it has limited knowledge of its surroundings and the going-ons of the outside world. However, it is unable to move, think, or feel—until, of course, an Elemenstor gives it the abilities to do so. Once furniture is brought to life by an Elemenstor, it enters the inanimate equivalent of Life known as Stream, and follows more or less the same rules as other beings in Life. An example of this is the Nightstand—when in its Non-Life, the Nightstand withholds feelings of overcoming anger, and when it is released from its physical restraint (its Non-Life) by an Elemenstor, it simulteaneously releases its anger and anguish at others, going on a mass murder spree. It should be noted that although most objects take heed of the natural rules of both the Non-Life and Life, one object has actually broken free of this restraint. Without the aid of an Elemenstor, the Mute Blade of Non-Life was able to come out of its Non-Life to Life (rather than Stream), most likely because of its supreme resent-ment—the only exception to this rule. The Mute Blade of Non-Life was also once the indirect manisfestation of all Non-Life. The current manifestation of Non-Life (albeit an indirect one) is Aklom Reklats, who is also part of all that remains of the Starborn Gem.

Northern Vale

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Northern Primordial Battal, formed from the Vale of Farth after the Darkstorm. The region was not actually a valley of any sort, rather it was mainly a region of large dark forests, but the name came from historical references surviving orally from a time before time.

Nutfob

Originally, a nutfob was an invention crafted by Orrikald the Inventor, famous for his terrible ideas into which he poured considerable time and resources. The invention was a small silver chain with a screw at the end, which the user would then bore into a walnut or other similar small hard nut. The owner of said nutfob would then put the nut in a vest pocket, wearing the chain hanging from the front of the pocket. The nutfob briefly caught on among those keeping current with mens fashions, but it wasn’t long before someone pointed out that those who wore nutfobs tended to be idiots. The label stuck, and soon the nutfob was just another four digit wind bug fad. The usage of nutfob to describe really stupid people, however, has remained popular. Gorg Stinkrot was famously referred to as a nutfob idiot by Felthar the Moderately Handsome.

Oblivion

The only port of call along the walled Long Road that runs between DragonBone, the capitol city-castle of The Kingdom of Parsonya and BashRock, the principle port city of the kingdom. Billed as a gift shop, inn, and trinket shop, Oblivion consists of a small bar, three rooms suitable for lodging, a common lounge, and a vast, enchanted warehouse space filled with stacks and stacks of useless or unknowably obscure items and trinkets.

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The warehouse space, by far the main attraction of the facility, is enchanted in a way so as to be unmappable, and it equally defies all organized searching or sorting methods. Specifically designed to promote extended browsing excursions, the stacks of items have become the permanent home of a band of scavengers too befuddled, or just too lazy, to find their way out. They subsist mainly on fungi cultivated in the darker corners of the warehouse, and the copious amounts of food carelessley discarded by those browsing the warehouse. Another curious side effect of the trinket room of Oblivion is that items, when dropped, tend to not fall to the ground exactly where you are standing. Sometimes a few minutes or hours of searching will turn the item up close to where you dropped it, other times stories have been told of the item not turning up again for generations. Such was the fate of The Rubion Sword, lost by Zonard in Oblivion. It also happens quite often to the whip you were going to use to drive your donkeys on your carriage. You could have sworn you put it down over there. Did you leave it in your pocket? No, you already checked. Dangit, you have to leave soon. You’re going to have to borrow your wive’s extra whip if you can’t find yours. Also, did you get any milk? Man. I think you bought a quart last week. You don’t want to not have milk. But then again, you don’t want to have too much.

Last time I was in Oblivion I stocked up on plenty of Gummy Unsunderings for the journey ahead. - Unknown Traveller

Ohcyt Panamarans

A line of Chronosorcellors. The most famous Ohcyt Panamarans was Master Chronosorcellor Yar the Sorcerial.

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Old House of Eyekia Lane

That sinister building, of imposingly gothic architecture, was once the property of the Dark Master, Char Reyarteb, which he has won in the game of water polo. He did not pay attention to this property, leasing it to a family of Dwarves, which allowed him to finance his harem of sex slaves. As the time passed, Reyarteb forgot about this insignificant (yet still sinister) building. Until he was slain. Part of his essence was confined to the house itself, filling it with Dark Elemenstation. Since he didn’t even remember that he owned the house (Dwarves stopped paying rent more or less in the time they died), he was obviously very confused. However when the wet cloak contest reminded him of his own sexxxay adventures, he awoke, hungering for vengeance.

Note: this is based entirely on Book 10. As I don’t speak Shryiwook, there are bound to be some inconsistencies - Jake.

Old Karpithon

A low mountain in the range of the Howling Mountains in the north eastern portion of The Shield. One of the many mountains of Battal under which an ancient evil sleeps. (As the saying goes, “Mountains are excellent blankets for sleepy overlords.”) Below this mountain was the evil Xoxor Xxar.

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Ornamental Dishwashing Liq-uid

A relic of ancient Lavatoranian origin. Its great aesthetic value is exceeded only by its puissant ability to clean the scum and taint of evil from even the soiledest of crockery and table-wares, which made it an invaluable tool in exorcism. It is the major plot device of the novel, War of the Taints At the time of Book 6, where Gorg Stinkrot met his end via the powerful purifier, the secret of crafting more Ornamental Dishwash-ing Liquid had been lost. A decade or so after, however, the art was rediscovered (although still costly and time consuming), and the liquid gained use throughout the rest of the saga, making an impres-sive show in one of the seventeen final battles of Book 12.

Orphenna Troughberry

Daughter of refugee Heeroh Troughberry, slayer of Zenethir Foulblade, 11 year old girl. Appears in Book 2, traveling with her father and two Fire Elemenstors. Through a flashback to when Orphenna was 9, Book 2 tells of a time when other kids in the refugee camp were calling her Orphenna Troughteeth (see Troughberry) and she ran to her father crying.

“Hush my little one,” her father said in a soothing tone. “We’re all refugees here in a war torn land, and within a blarn’s age either they’ll be dead or you will. Either way, it won’t have mattered what names they called you.” He patted her on the head and dried her tears, and sent her out of the tent to go back and play with the others.—Chapter 19, “A Way With Words” Book 2

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Notes

There are rumors that Orphenna Troughberry may in fact be the same character as Bendloyer Felkin. Support for this is offered in the Fan Fiction work named The Felkin Game.

Oryand and Greg

Twin Fire Elemenstors. The two appear in Book 2 as well as the short story A Night at The Rusty Spear. In Book 2, Oryand and Greg meet The Troughberrys in the FaeriWraithe Lands, where they are playing a particularly brutal game of Fiery Agash against one another, wearing nothing but gasoline soaked rags. Their is a perfect example of their slightly off putting idea of a good time. Seeing that the two refugees appear to be lost, and additionally embarking on an epic quest, the basically good hearted twins volunteer to help the pair find their way back to proper Battal.

“Flame on a second... Heeroh Troughberry?? Oh MAN.. Truly epic! Heeroh Troughberry! Wow! You’re my favorite Gladiatingor!”

The four manage to find their way back to Battal, and make their way to the fortress cabin of Zenethir. Just inside the door there is an illusionary pub filled with very attractive wenches. Unable to see through the illusion, the two do not play a major role in the defeat of the vile fiend. Orphanna, of course, is completely unaffected by the illusion, and Heeroh is unable to see because before entering the cabin he had drawn his Dark Doomblade of Magical Overarching Darkness, and was therefore magically blinded.

Notes

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• There are several documented cases of Oryand and Greg’s overreaction to what they view as a slight against themselves or their friends, often with fatal results to the one who would tangle with them.

• Despite the bravado of the twins, in a revealing conversa-tion that Orphenna Troughberry has with them when they be-lieve they are all about to die, they reveal that they hide a deep rooted self doubt they both harbor as to their individ-ual worth.

• Always referred to as Oryand and Greg and would cer-tainly never answer to Gregory and Oryand.

P’km’n the Hungry

A Wang of great reknown, who braved The Labyrinth of Bowie to retrieve the fabled Pow-wah Plz. P’km’n channeled the spirit of the great Wang god, Pahkmaan, calling upon his strength with the incantaion “Wakka Wakka Wakka”. P’km’n later resurfaced in Book 12, brandishing The Cardboard Tube of Unusual Sharpness and Popularity for the forces of good, the tale of how he came to possess the blade is not yet known. P’km’n the Hungry proved his might one day by slaying a claw shrimp from a small colony that reached Small Puddle. Whilst resting in a port town, he ordered some of the town’s shrimp, only to find that he had not enough money to purchase what he wanted. Borrowing a spear, he lept into the sea and emerged three minutes later with a slain claw shrimp, himself unharmed. He crispy-fried the beast and ate it on the spot; hense his title, The Hungry.

Parable of the Swimming Rab-bit

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Written in a separate chapter in The Fires of Mount Windice is the following parable:

High Augur Theoric the Eversnide and Low Elemenstor Rosinquist sat below the sweeping branches of the smirkwood tree on the banks of the Sw’ftfl’w River, sharing a wineskin of dragonapple wine. ”A most delightful day, wouldn’t you agree?” the Low Elemenstor inquired thoughtfuly. ”Indeed, that it is.” the High Augur replied. His gaze gliding over the lethargic flow of the Sw’ftfl’w River, Theoric squinted slyly. ”Say, can I interest you in a wager?” he asked his companion with the disarming smile of a shark. Rivulets of sweat streamed vigorously down the back of Low Elemenstor Rosinquist’s neck; Theoric was the High Augur, and posessed the forever-sight. He could foretell the past and guess at the future; any wager against him was risky business. ”I would not mind,” the Low Elemenstor said carefully, “but the wager must be fair. You’ll have to put your staff down.” ”Agreed. Now, turn around and do not peek, that I may hide the staff properly.” With Rosinquist’s back turned, the High Augur leaned his staff against the sardonic trunk of the tree, and hung a plaque with the words “This Is Not the Staff of the High Augur” upon it on that staff. ”Now, here is the wager: if you look into the lumber-ing waters, you will see a rabbit fighting the current. He has been attempting to swim across the river for the past fifteen macroseconds, unable to stay on course. I will bet you a Filleroon that he will be on this bank in

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less than two macroseconds more.” Low Elemenstor Rosinquist considered the tiring rabbit in the waters. He appeared to be on the verge of exhaustion. ”He certainly looks tired. I do not think he will survive for even more that one and a half macroseconds. I’ll take the bet.” Both held out a Filleroon, as per the Rules of Noble Wagering, and watched the rabbit eagerly. As the waters swept him past a group of rocks, the rabbit managed to clamber from the water onto the slippery surface. A few well-timed bounds put him on the river bank proper, where he shook the excess water from his fur and bounced off in the direction of the meadow. ”That was not fair,” the Low Elemenstor whined as Theoric snatched the Filleroon from his hands. “He did not fight the current at all; he simply grabbed on to the rocks and climbed out onto land! Had he not done that, he’d be at the bottom of the river by now!” ”He would be.” Theoric’s smile grew broader. “You ought to learn from the rabbit, Rosinquist. You strive so hard to achieve the secrets of the High Elemenstors through hard work, and yet remain a Low Elemenstor. The rabbit was smart enough to take the easy way out. Hint hint.” The High Augur retrieved his staff and began to speak the rectangular words of timesorc’ley. In the blink of an eye, he was gone. Rosinquist sat down by the tree and began to scratch at the bark, a frown on his face.

Several things make this parable puzzling. First of all, the Filleroon (presumably a unit of currency) makes no appearance anywhere else in The Elemenstor Cycle. Second, Mr. Brahe clearly speaks in favor of the path of least resistance, with the High Augur advising Low Elemenstor Rosenquist to cease his struggle with the secrets of

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Elemenstation and take the easy way out, when so many other tales set in the world of Battal involve heroes overcoming great odds to achieve their goal. Third, and most puzzling of all, is the fact that there is no evidence that Rosinquist ever sought to become a High Elemenstor; he seems to be content to use his limited powers to grift people out of their money. It is possible that Mr. Brahe used these characters to relate a moral lesson, in the same way one may tell a tale of Alexander the Great having a debate with Abraham Lincoln, despite the fact that the two could never have spoken. What that moral lesson is, however, remains to be seen.

Pastafarianism and The Elemenstor Cycle

More on the pastafarianism can be found here Just as C.S. Lewis’s “Narnia” series was inspired by Lewis’ personal religious leanings, and as Tolkien incorporated Catholicism into The Silmarillion, and not forgetting the nature of Jungian philosophy in Herbert’s Dune series, so too was Brahe inspired by his personal spiritual background. Tycho Brahe is well known among Pastafarians as a Deacon of the Moominist Church of His Spaghettiness. Despite how Brahe was constrained by the setting created by Realmworlds Publishing, much of the Elemenstor Cycle is actually an allegory for devout Moominist teachings. First and foremost, there is his works on the Sundering. In the Sundering, he frequently refers to the Sickle and the Cataclysmic Bluont as the “false” parts of the world, and only the Shield as the true part. If one studies the proportions of Rubian distributed among the worlds, one will see that 2/9ths of the Rubian occurs in the Shield, this showing the Shield as his vision of his lord Monster, and the other two worlds as the false, disputed parts of God. Also, there is his chronicling of the Unsundering and Resundering.

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Despite the dire nature of the process, Brahe’s writing almost seems elated when the Resundering occurs - understanding his religious background, it makes sense that he wants to keep his God divided. Also, the way he tells how Blood Pirates of Meydrag’haa prevent the overheating of the Shield after the abuse of stresses of The Resundering obviously shows his belief in the FSMist dogma of piracy and planetary warming. In addition, the Spaghetti Plane is almost certainly a nod to Brahe’s Pastafarian beliefs.

Perilous Circumstances

Amongst the old biddies of Battal, those who are uncomfortable at the thought of (say) MooMaa blighting their crops and salting the earth with the dried tears of the children he’s orphaned, refer to any and all wars, massacres, brutalities, acts of blasphemous magic and so on as “perilous circumstances.” For instance, in this passage from near the end of Book 12:

The old women looked out on the ashen fields where Reyarteb fell once more. Brethlendentra shook her head and uttered, “Such perilous circumstances we’ve been in. At least they’re done with.” ”Or are they?” Grundblatkthab interjected. “For what has fallen may rise again.” Brethlendentra connected her cane, a rusted old soldier’s mace, to Grundblatkhab’s head, breaking it apart like an egg filled with cottage cheese and blood. ”That’ll shut you up,” Brethlendentra said.

”Perilous circumstances” later became a slang term for sex amongst the fans of ELOTH:TES. Perilous Circumstances is also the name of the female lead from The Resundering and Beyond, one of the book cycles of ElemenstorLance.

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Persephalous Extarba

Born in Ezermethalon a lowly peasant, he quickly rose to the rank of Lieutenant in the Chair Brigade during the daring capture of Serafina Haberdasheron. Though he did play a large part in Serafina’s capture, he never sought glory again. Instead, he devoted his life to being a lowly servant to Stoutback An entire book, The Scolding of Persephalous, was devoted to his exploits, but is considered one of the most boring tomes in all of the sagas. Though his eventual shame at the hands of Baltor the Upright is considered a high-water mark of his storyline. Baltor, after slaying the erstwhile Furniliar Barven Valori, found within Valori’s drawers a love note written by Persephalous. This shamed him so much that he hid himself from the world for 20 years. In the end, he emerged from his self-imposed exile, just as the Hierarch Wars were beginning. In the first few moments of the Hierarch Wars, Persephalous lost his life. As he lay clutching at his panicked heart, he could only think of Stoutback. It was the wet cloak contest, not a battle, that ended his life.

With a frame of giant oaken beams, walls filled in with waddle and plaster, with a fine coat of whitewash, the Pig’s Featherbag strikes a dominant silleutte over the tiny thatched huts of Little Vinkum. With 20 sleeping rooms on the second story and several rooms for large private parties in the basement, the tavern is well equipped to handle a tremendous amount of business. The tavern is only full to capacity twice yearly, on the occasions of Welcome Day and the Harvest Day of Mourning, which keep the establishment afloat fiscally through the rest of the year. Outside of these days, the tavern draws a sleepy crowd of regulars and only the odd traveller unfortunate enough to have business that leads him through Little Vinkum. It is said that the DoomSeeker soup served here is of unrivaled quality.

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Pixlies

Pixlies are tiny faerie-like creatures of which little is known. Each apparently has a unique personality, and most are lively, energetic, good-natured, mischevious and extremely annoying. Most glow with a mysterious natural light, emanating the light brighter when they are excited (this is usually a good indication of how irritating the pixlie is being at any given time). In Book 1 of the Elemenstors Saga, the primary character Horatio has the (mis)fortune of meeting Bibee, an orange pixlie with a strangely inverted personality, presumably as a result of being somehow trapped in the gluey muck beneath the rump of the Dooblegnard Duke Alfamarma. Rather than irritate others, Bibee has become extremely irate, enough so to plot the cunning theft of the Mosaic Platter of Ronard. No explanation is given as to how Bibee became trapped in her unpleasant prison, or how long she remained there. However at one point in the book she does mention that pixlies are creatures “eons more experienced” than Tribbits, which could be an indication that pixlies are typically naturally immortal.

Pixlies are particularly attracted to the ting sounds made by The Sword that Makes A Sort Of Ting Sound When You Hold it Up To The Light

Plague Mother Spore

One of the most dangerous creatures in Battal, a Plague Mother Spore resembles a gigantic combination of spider, octopus, and queen ant, and is serviced by her/its thousands of children, who resemble giant albino spiders. A plague mother spore is infused with the energy of some kind of plague, be it Fellonyourheadwhenyouwereababyitis or Grey Death. As long as the plague mother spore persists, the plague it is associated with will continue onward; furthermore, as long as the plague mother spore exists, the negative emotions of those it is near will magnify thou-sands of times over.

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Difficult to contain, much less destroy, a plague mother spore must be defeated by a Life Elemenstor to keep it from regenerating. Destroying its hordes of spider-like minions whilst slogging through its seemingly-endless underground tunnel-hive is an obvious prerequesite to defeating the beast. In Elemenstorer, one of the major subplots concerns destroying a plague mother spore nest. ”Plague” is not the formal version of the word; it is pronounced “plah-HUE,” after the Death Elemenstor who claimed to be birthed from a plague mother spore to get attention. Plague Mother Spores rarely appear in The Elemenstor Cycle, and are generally referred to indirectly, mainly reguarding their effects on emotion.

“Man, all she’s done today is nag, whine, and cry. I swear, she’s got a PMS.”—An unknown peasant in Book 4

Fanart

http://elothtes.pbwiki.com/f/howmanypeoplewannakicksomeass.GIF

Plain Plains Plane

Simply put, a plain plane of plains that stretches as far as the eyes can see. There’s a definite hint of cabbage in the air at all times, and some few races have hidden here among the infinite reaches, their little townsteads stretching out from very generic portals. Used only as a convenient set of shortcuts in the Wizbit animated series, it originally appeared in Book 7 where a remarkably bland but beautifully written passage describes how the heroes travel from one portal town to the

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other. The quality of the writing is astounding, and it’s the only part of the book that lacks anything truly Epic.

Plane of Brooding Melancholia

Known as the gothiest of all Planes, the Plane of Brooding Melancho-lia is so named for its scenery and its inhabitants, which conspire to produce feelings of excessive, even brooding melancholia in those that visit this plane. Happiness is against the law here, but that is of little matter, as it does not generally exist in the face of such sadness and despair. A small group of Dim Elves inhabit this plane; they themselves are immune to the depressing effects, but contribute to the general feeling of unease with their unnerving detachment from the pleasures of life. In Book 11, Ray the Telesorcerial accompanied a chair and a desk through this plane. As he made his way through, he was assaulted by virulent feelings of disillusionment and hopelessness, and two crazy Gore-orcs. He survived the orcs but reported feeling “really spent” after leaving the plane. For a while he questioned the meaning of like, asking “if there is really any point to all of this. I want to die.” Jastevi briefly hung around the plane, hoping its brooding aura would rub off on him and give him a more serious demeanor. It made him sad, though, and he quickly left. The Dark Doomblade of Magical Overarching Darkness was forged after Gragnakas visited this plane very briefly. This plane is also home to The Gouth. The part they inhabit is even broodier and melancholier than the other bits of the plane.

Pormora

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An eastern coastal village in Terle, primarily populated by old sea salts. Asana Millytopthought first hears tales of Captain Tev from a group of sailors trading lore outside of the Salty Lick tavern.

Portund

Portund a provincial lowland desert fiefdom settled just east of the towering Beutrafficades Mountain Range. Mentioned only briefly in Morwid’s Guide to Barely Mentionable Out-of-the-Way Fiefdoms, it’s primary claim to fame was that although it continually applied for Twelve Realm status, it was never able to attain this lofty civic goal. Fortu-nately for the farmers and merchants living in Portund, while all of the Twelve Realms were systematically annihilated during the Vampyric Wars, this land was spared. There is a brief rainy season each year when the lands become thick with mirey muck rather than desert and scrublands. It is on this short period each year that the mud farmers depend for their livelihood, and a drought during this period can spell ruin for entire communities.

Vhadxi shook the mud off his blackened cape and stomped through the door of The Fancy Fisherman. The Bartender, Sailor Steve, lifted a glass of ale in greetings. ”Yar, matey!” he cried. “Welcome to The Fancy Fisherman! What can I do you for?” The ghastly pallor of a man approached the bartender, and with leering menace, placed his hands atop the counter. “I, Vhadxi, Dark and Evil Vampyre Lord Supreme, ruler of Blackest Minathok, require the use of a donkey.” ”A donkey, eh? I keep a cup of blood in the back, if you want it.” ”Foolish mortal! I didn’t come here for a ‘cup o’ donkey!’ Find

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me a steed to ride, posthaste, and you shall be handsomely rewarded.” ”A donkey, eh? I suppose you could talk to Markuel of Markuel over there, and he could fill you in a thing or two.” ”Over where?” And as Vhadxi turned to look, he slipped on the floor, plummeted backward, and landed on the ground with a prodigious thump. ”You okay, son? Sometimes we leave things on the floor.” Vhadxi got up, and brushed himself off. His hair was mussed, and—were it not for his excessive blinking—appeared extremely agitated. “That man over there?” ”You’re pointing to a wall. I meant the man over there.” ”Right. Thanks ... mortal.” ~(Chapter 8 “Fireside Tales, and Hilarity,” Book 7, The Trial at Elddim’s Peak)

Reasons Why Portund Never Achieved Twelve Realm Status

# Never had the proper resources. # They kept asking for an extension. # Unforseeable obstacles.

Locations within Portund

• Village of Delberry

• Village of Dundersville

Places to Visit

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• The Fancy Fisherman. Despite being an inland kingdom far from any common trade routes, this inn is a popular haunt for sailors and travellers.

Elemenstor Prigglesnap

A Demistructor who appears in Book 12 and fights a rather extended duel using his Horn of Demistruct. At the same time he sings a cacaphonous song that accompanies the grinding, scraping melody of his instrument/weapon. In the song he makes a great many outland-ish claims, including claming to have knowledge as to the location of the Hat of Destiny. It is unclear if the elemenstor is fighting on the side of good or evil in the book, as random swings seem to be taken at good and evil alike. Most agree that he was simply trying to make a nussiance of himself.

Princess Crystalcrown

Princess Crystalcrown was a pretty good princess, in general. I mean, nobody really complained about her princessing. This didn’t stop the Dark Master from convincing the Elanfariestel the Easily Convinced to undertake a long and drawn-out betrayal that ended when Elanfari-estel gently nudged Princess Crystalcrown off a cliff on Mount Wor. This act had many epic repercussions throughout the land, but most of them involved cabbage, so it didn’t really get mentioned much outside of cabbage-farming circles. Her father died just before she was born, and she was therefore crowned at birth. Her name is the result of the fine tradition of naming the child by the first thing that touches their head. Though not the eldest child, she ruled in the stead of her brother, Floor the Stupid. Princess Crystalcrown might have traced her lineage back to King Ronard if she so chose; however, she opted not to emphasize this fact, as anyone with an IQ higher than that of your average watermelon

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would realize that this is not anything to brag about (incidentally, many descendants of King Ronard did not have IQ’s greater than that of a watermelon). Princess Crystalcrown was also known as the Frabrige Princess, Crystalcrown Lightbearer, and even The Crystal Mother by The Crystal Order, a cult dedicated to advancing the ideals she stood for during life (even though it was not clear what those ideals were.)

Elanfariestel looked into Crystalcrown’s trusting eyes. He began to question himself. “Was this the right thing to do? Was this what the princess wanted, deep down, just as the shadow figure had suggested?” Her back to the edge of the cliff, standing so very close to the drop, she stood and waited, as the wind kicked up and she drew her shaw closer around her, and shifted slightly from foot to foot. ”Princess Crystalcrown, I...” he said suddenly, reaching out for her. As his hand brushed against her shoulder a sudden gust pushed down on them. Elanfariestel stepped back from the edge. Where the princess had been standing a moment ago was now just an unobstructed view of the crimson sunset. Another gust of wind howled around him as he turned his collar to the storm, and as the first drops of rain began to fall, he turned and began the long trek back

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down the mountain.—Crystalcrown Chronicles

Pyromancer

An Elemenstor, Sorcerer, or Mage with power over Fire magic, or possibly a guy who is good at lighting fires and does them fairly often. Pyromancers are invaluable for clearing land for farming, for keeping Towns and cities warm during the winter, and for getting rid of evidence; no good town is without a pyromancer and things for that pyromancer to burn, although the latter can be somewhat out of a town planner’s hands. As cited from one of the books:

I asked the man what he was doing, and he responded, “Fair sir, I am a pyromancer, and I am doing my duty to my city. For the cleansing power of fire is not to be underestimated or sold short! Not as long as I am here, bearing a flame to sweep clean what is necessary to sweep clean. Do you smell that, good sir?” I smelled and indeed there was a warm and unique scent in the air. ”That,” said he, “is the smell of Fire Elemenstation in the morning.” He took a savoring breath. “It smells like... victory.” ”And,” I added, “burning peasants.” ”Obviously.”

My search-fu is weak—remind me where that passage is from?

It’s from one of the Elemenstor Radio Dramas, I think the one where

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Lander meets Wendell ~ asura

Only the first 4 episodes are told from the first person. This has got to be one of the first three episodes. -tim

it’s episode 3, Raging Fire, right? ~ asura

Qaxrad of Syzz

An Air Elemenstor who appears in Book 5 and is in love with the lovable Serafina Haberdasheron

Queen-Princess Xanzandrinzel

The immortal queen of the Mean Elves of The Underdeep, who first appears in Book 5. Unlike many Mean Elves, she is unbothered by the bat-mice, as, thanks to learning Earth Elemenstation at a young age, turned her eyes into stones capable of sight. As she is the longest-lived and least blind of all Mean Elves, and also immortal (due to an accident involving a stolen rubian and a freak encounter with a Battal Toad), Xanzandrinzel has become their defacto leader. She occasionally leads raids to the surface world, usually after she’s forgotten her species is even blinder than usual above ground. Despite being an understandably mean Mean Elf, she has a soft spot for Quilp, whose frequent near-to-total-blindness strikes a cord with

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her. Speaking of cords, their scrap leather also makes for fetching outfits.

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Quotable Quotes

This section is for posting memorable quotes from the ELotH franchise that have stuck with you throughout the years. Perhaps you still use a particular turn of phrase among your friends, perhaps you have an old T-shirt or bumper sticker with this phase on it.

Canon Literature

”Why is everyone so surprised that I’m still alive?” - S’yrf’yl the Immortal, Book 9 ”Tell me more of Elemenstoring, Dogus,” cooed the soggy bar-maid. “Tell me more of the furniture and the glory.”—from Book 6: Nightstand’s Peril ”Accursed mountebank!”—Ekezenthal, upon learning of Ray Charebet’s treachery in The End of the Heirarch Wars

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”And in the speaking from whence the Hierarchs circumpredicated their existence, were the first Words of immortal beings ‘Behold the Four Vales, for verily they art pleasing/havst been pleasing/willst be pleasing to Ourselves.’”—Weighty Tome of Elemenstor, verse 4 ”A flash of lightning tore through the tumult, illuminating the grizzled Elemenstor and his ambulatory dresser.”—Book 1, officially the first line of the series ”A flash of lightning tore through the tumult, illuminating the grizzled Elemenstor and his ambulatory dresser.”—Book 13, officially the last line of the series ”As the fireflies danced lazily in the twilight, the samurai turned to leave, naturally as if moved only by the breeze. The corpses of his enemies were no more to him than the dry grass.”—Good Things, Many Devils, Oriental Tales of the Wang Kingdom The ghastly pallor of a man approached the bartender, and with leering menace, placed his hands atop the counter. “I, Vhadxi, Dark and Evil Vampyre Lord Supreme, ruler of Blackest Minathok, require the use of a donkey.”—Book 7 ”None can stand before the Rhaja Lord, for he is as an evil wind, blowing away the chaff of the world.”—the Rhaja Lord to Propitious Opportune before their climactic battle in Tales of Yorn Appendix D, A Chronicle of The Burnten’ed Times by Ulfulaz the Historian. ”Now it is the time for you to die.”—Char Reyarteb, Book 10 (much cooler sounding in context) ”Don’t point that staff at me, you stupid b-tch!”—Last words of Maskatoo of the Old College, Book 11 ”Listen, if you’re evil you have to have scars or a horrific background. You have neither, so you are not evil. I say the closest you come to being evil is the smell.”—Last words of Thad Obor, The Dawinesque Awards ”What is the secret ingredient? All of them!” High Culimancer Bertrick, Book 3

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”Bigots, eh? I hate bigots. No reason, really. I just hate them. You would do well to do the same.”—Char Reyarteb to Maskatoo in Book 11 ”This one time, in Wizard Camp, I partially dematerialized my ambulatory and enchanted Credenza. Do not suffer amateur Elemenstorations lightly. They shall be the death of us all.” Lord Scranton Stufflebeam, Second Level Enchanted Alchemical Joiner, Broken Stool: Alchemical Boogaloo ”And King Ronard said: ‘Lo, there shall be a chicken in every pot, ale in every cup, and wenches in every tavern!’”—the Chronicles of the Magic Sword Kings 1:17 “According to the Guild of Free Traders and The Allied Troll and Ogre Door Guarders and Footmen Union I should be paid in goats and silver. This is an outrage. Until further notice, I’m on strike.” Barry the Door Guarding Troll, Book 8 ”And let’s just give it a little test—and a one-and-a-two-and-a” Last words of Blacksmith Smithy Blackfinger of Skyfinger ”Woah! Looks like we’re out of milk. I’ll be right back.” last canoni-cal words of the Pixlie Bibee in Book 1, before she leaves the series forever. ”What would Ronard do? common folk saying throughout the Tides of Epic Conflict Saga ”Seriously, I didn’t even realize it resembled that until someone pointed it out to me.” ~The Memoirs of High Elemenstor Alice Phallus, pg. 36 ”Well, at the very least, I don’t know.” Noddy Chillbreezey, Book 9, on the Unknowable. ”Yam Eaters? People who eat yams? By the cream below my pants you shall not rest until they have permits!” The Hyacinth Emperor, Return to the Epic Sicklemire Dilemma ”Ha ha ha! By the next moon, all people across the Sickle will know the name of Hopebane! ...wait, they already do? Well...maybe they’ll

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know it better or something. Look, I can’t stop my plans just because I’m already famous or anything! Damn, how did they manage to know my name so soon? Am I that obvious a villain? Maybe...maybe you could go out and distract some people so they can forget the name of Hopebane for a while? Could you?” Lord Hopebane, to Lopae of Hopea, Hopebane’s Gambit **”Prosecutor Grumuffle: Were you or were you not twiddling the Magical item? Lextor the Vextor: That depends what you mean by twiddling....”** ~ From the Trial of Lextor the Vextor in Book 2, see Law 323 ”Driven by rage, I subsist on revenge; dine upon those epicurean desires my own dark predilections indicate,” said the dark figure. It was not the pale, gaunt features of this man that gave young Elemenstor Dern chills, or the calm brutality behind the dark figure’s eyes that made the pit of his stomach flutter with fear. It was the nightstand. The nightstand that ambled, quite casually in fact, up to take a subservient position beside that dreadful man where, to Dern’s abject horror, it purred, ready to obey.—excerpt from Book 13 and a Half ”;;;;;;; ;;;; ;;;;;;;;;;;; ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; ; ; ;;;;;;;;;;;;;; ;; ;;;;; ;;; ;;;;” The Ambiguous Stranger, Book 13 ”After a while your enemy becomes too complex. After that the only way to defeat them is to truly know yourself.”—Throbald the Somewhat Addled, in a somewhat less addled frame of mind Come on in, I’ve got good stuff and you’d be wise to buy! Zik, the opening line of Tales of the Forever Road I’m sick of being the nice guy and being taken advantage by every passerby! The next person who thinks he can cheat me out of something is going to receive a severe thrashing! an enraged Ghithik the Thick near the end of the third-to-last chapter of Tales of the Forever Road If it isn’t my old friend Ghithik! How are you? Have you seen the ring or the hat lately? Prowish at the end of the third-to-last chapter of Tales of the Forever Road

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I don’t know about you, but where I come from we solve our problems with violence! The Rusty Knight. ”Wait a second... Reyarteb... Reyarteb... Has anybody noticed that’s Betrayer spelled backwards??”—Mordichai Alamede, Book 12 ”They are tiny, and they are tasty. Talking does not change this.”, Gavment quoting the famous saying about the Drainberry to Steppy in Book 4 **”Enchanters abhor a plain sword.”—Common saying in Battal.

The Wizbits

“Alright gang! Let’s kick it into overgear!”—Lander, from any episode of the The Wizbits after Season I ”We ponezored joo!”—Said in unison after defeating many enemies during Season 1. Later dropped due to parents complaints. (see: lleetish) ”You pulled what out of where?”—Penny to Skip on numerous occasions. ”You take the fatty, I’ll beat the demon snake.”—Skip to Penny in an unfortunately phrased battle strategy. ”WIND!”—Zula whenever they did that hackneyed extended reverse-angle shot of her pseudo-hadouken maneuver. ”Ooh, those Wizbits roil my boils!”—Warchief Bogg, whenever he found his plans thwarted. ”annoying laughter”—Hallau, Zula’s Pink Fruitbat, anytime anything remotely humorous happened. ”Porn Ninja will strike back!, Lander, mocking the assassins. ”I can eat glass; it does not hurt me.”—the famous Lost Moral. ”What the Quilp?”—Lander, at random points throughout the series.

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”A penny saved!”—Penny, frequently after being saved, but sometimes at random. ”Gosh! I could sure go for a donut milkshake!”—Doodle, in any episode in which asian-looking cuisine made an appearance.

Misc ELotH Quotes from other sources

”Oh thank LL’Chomber I got here in time! That looks like a nasty wound!”—Last words many hear when spoken by Extremely Elf I’den in the ELotH comic book ”Elementics, my dear Gearstriker.”—Shilo Hartsel at the end of most Shilo Hartsel Stories

Real World Quotes

”It’s a big world.”—Tycho Brahe at Elemenstorm ‘99 ”I need money.”—James Langomedes in a rare interview with Rolling Stone ”It’s not nonsense, Jerry! There are fucking dyemons in the film!”—James Langomedes to key grip Jerry Mitchell on why he was burning the film for The Wizbits episode 0201. ”Quote me as saying I was misquoted by someone else.”—We’ve No Idea. ”What is this crap? I never should have hired that Ghost Rider!” - James Langomedes at the Who Watches The Wizbits? debut party, apparently disgusted at the non-arrival of a Marvel Comics-themed motorcycle entertainer

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”Revenge, as far as I care, is sexy.”—James Langomedes, in an interview with Playbill magazine ”...”—James Langomedes, comatose, reacting to the James Langomedes Candlelight Vigil gathered outside his hospital bed. ”This is a serious fantasy work. The fact that you don’t know about it is actually kind of a compliment.”—Tycho Brahe to Gabe, before the release of The Fires of Mount Windice ”... generally behaved like a little Hitler”—documentarian James Burke, on Tycho Brahe. ”cheese fork payphone”—the ambiguous last publicly spoken words of James Langomedes. ”You little bitch, I’ll rip your guts out, wear them as shoes, and kick your GIANT ASS with them! -- Tycho Brahe

Raunch Iron

First appearance: Book 3 A grumbly old man who was a Clerical Healer before anyone in his village could remember. He plied his trade by moving slowly mumbling incantations that caused wounds to wait for him to arrive, safely placing the patient in a sort of stasis. Due to the majic of the incantations, the wounds actually paused...the pain however didn’t. Somewhat “Bloody Minded” old Raunch Iron would always lecture the victim about how it was his tea break and how he had the wrong Rune Forms and the victim should have had them already signed by a higher ranking Clerical Healer, but he would eventually complete the ritual and mend the wounded. Despite his insistence on having a ‘higher ranking Clerical Healer’ sign the mystical healing Runic Sheets or Rune Forms, he is likely the ‘Alpha Clerical Healer,’ and is just going through the motions of the ritual he created.

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Raven Darkblood

At 10 she is the youngest of the children of Valedaleglenhill. She is one of the Zonardians, half-human and half-whitedragon. Also featured in The Adventures of Isaac and Raven, in which she is 5 years older. In Book 11, it is revealed that Revolp Darkblood is the son of Raven.

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Her name is blatant ripoff from Dr Raven Darktalon Blood. Luckily, she didn’t appear in the cartoon. - Jake

Seems more like an “unusual coincidence” to me... The characters aren’t at all related. As the initial poster of Raven Darkblood’s entry and not being familiar with the good doctor, I can tell you that there probably isn’t any actual connection. -tim

I think Doctor Raven Darktalon Blood started off as a tribute character

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for Raven Darkblood, but ended up being quite different when the comic started coming out. I think it may be why Dr. Raven Darkta-lon Blood has a cute little pet made out of pure hell, though. -JM

Ray Charebet

Ray Charebet was the mysterious Elemenstor of Light who first appears in The Heirarch Wars Continue to aid in the destruction of Char Reyarteb’s spirit residing in the kitchen doorknob of the Old House of Eyekia Lane. He and the other Elemenstors are, as it is chronicled, unable to aid in the destruction of the doorknob due to internal strife. In End of the Hierarch Wars, it is revealed that Ray was the cause of the strife all along, and had in fact been aiding the Dark Elemenstors in their quest to revive Char. How Ray managed to outwit the other Elemenstors for so long is revealed to have been because he was, in fact, an astral projection of Char Reyarteb all along. Only having access to a fraction of Char’s power, Ray managed to decieve the Elemenstors long enough to buy the Dark Elemenstors adequate time to unlock his true power. Many fans point to this revelation as the most shocking of the series.

Ray the Telesorcerial

Ray the Telesorcerial plays a heroic, though complex, role in Book 11. He assists in the defeat of some of The Eight Elemental Constructs while also using them and other characters for his own purposes, which apparently involve some form of social research. As the following excerpt reveals, Ray’s entry into the saga is a classic example of Brahe’s device of epicness through studied unepicness. The ironic use of excessive adjectives and adverbs (in classic fantasy style)

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contrasts sharply with the preceding section, which describes the traumatic experiences of a troubled bathtub furniliar in relentlessly arid prose.

The large bureau groaned as three loud thumps rang through the chamber and flames began to trickle from its mouth.

“What is it this time? I’ve already told you, we don’t have any pickled supplies of any sort,” muttered the desk pluckily as it turned irritably.

:;:;:;:;:;:;:;:;: :;:;:;:;:;:;:;:;: :;:;:;:;:;:;:;:;: :;:;:;:;:;:;:;:;::;:;:;:;:;:;:;:;:

“No, no, this can’t possibly be the right plane, Mr. James. The mad Dr. Octopus has clearly taken up a life of crime in this one,” echoed a nervous, high pitched voice from within the bureau.

The desk turned, curious. None of the previous entities in the bureau had spoken, nor had the flames appeared quite so...convincing. With a sudden roar and a groan, the bureau shattered open amid a burst of flames. Losing a bit of its pluck, the desk pushed itself against the wall in fear.

Amid the charred remains of the poor bureau, there stood a befuddled man with tired eyes, darting nervously behind his dully glinting spectacles. Though charred and covered in a thin covering of ash, he

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maintained a starchy appearance, standing swathed in a strange black overcoat. Beneath the curious overcoat he wore a jerkin particularly unsuited to a sorcerer: white and starchy, without a hint of the prized billowiness that marks any true wizard’s robe. And, as if manifesting some hidden, desperate deathwish, he wore a long, thin cravatte around his neck like a noose. After a few moments of nervous glances, convinced that he was alone in the room, he muttered with quivering voice, ;:;:;:;:;:;:”:;:;:Oh my. This isn’t right at all.”

The desk overcame its initial shock, which was soon replaced with a nightstand’s rage, “Not even an apology, you sick bastard!?!” ::::::::”You realize that killing a bureau in transtemporal telebirthing is a first degree offense, don’t you?”

Following this section, the story line is broken by a ten page digression into the mating and courtship practices of Dim Elves, which is eventually woven into the story line of Ray the Telesorcerial. Ray goes on to discover the disastrous events unfolding in Battal, and lends himself to the effort of defeating The Eight Elemental Constructs, playing the most central role in the dispersion of the Lift Maiden. His motives and the nature of his “home plane” are never entirely clarified. He is sometimes believed by some to be a chronoclone of Yar the Sorcerial, because he engages in a struggle with and against the Constructs in a storyline parallel to Yar’s struggles to bring “balance” to the warring factions of Chronosorcellors in the volume. Aside from the obvious similarities of the names and the parallel story lines, there are a number of other parallels obvious to careful readers of the series, such as Ray’s “birth” in a burst of flames.

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Real Life Timeline

1543

• December 21 - The Holy Incinerator may or may not have been created by a deranged order of incenerator obsessed monks in a remote province of Spain. It may or may not have been created due to the fact that it may or may not ac-tually exist or just be a creation of Tycho Brahe’s deranged mind. We will never know for sure. (Wink, Wink.) Some-where along the line, the origins of the Holy Incinerator be-came a bizarre blend of fact and fiction that is inseperable today. The only thing that many people both in Battal, and the real world can attest to is that it is: “Not all that holy.”

1601

• October 24, 1601 - Followers of the Dark Fourteen use this date in the famous He is already dead hoax, an attempt to get The Fourteenth Manuscript published.

1977

• May 25 - Realmworlds Publishing is founded by M. Holhik and J. Krakins in Boise, Idaho. Based upstairs of a Chinese res-taurant, it immediately burned down when Mr. Holhik up-turned a deep-fryer while arguing about the rent.

• July 24 - Using the last of their savings, Holhik and Krakins reopen Realmworlds as a frozen yogurt shop on Mercer Is-land, Washington. They quickly become a hit and franchise the new restaurant chain thirteen times. Realmworlds Publish-ing hires Mich Fehkoo as CEO and splits in to two divisions. Realmworlds Delicious Freezees Inc. is responsible for earning enough money to keep Realmworlds Publishing afloat.

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1978

• November 18 - Tycho Brahe is born.

1980

• February - After much strife, Holhik and Krakins agree to publish the first fantasy novel by Realmworlds Publishing, enti-tled “Realmmasters.”

1982

• May - With the success of Realmmasters, upstart fantasy writ-ers flock to Realmworlds Publishing. Despite flagging sales in the Realmworlds Delicious Freezees Inc. division of Realm-worlds, the company posts record profits.

1986

• Febuary - Frank Herbert, injured from defeating L. Ron Hubbard and sealling his soul just thirteen days earlier, seeks out Krakins before his death. With his last breath he be-stows all of his powers on Krakins, including superior writ-ting ability, prescience, and appreciation for fine cheeses.

• October - The first book set in the ELotH:TES universe is published, written by Krakins himself. The Sundering of Vhaxdi, which details the later re-explored happenings of The Sundering, is poorly received, and generally considered to be irrelevant and inconsistent with the overall setting, even using major terminology for completely different purposes. Still, it is remembered as a milestone, being the first novel set in the ELotH:TES universe.

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• December - Realmworlds Publishing purchases the rights to The Legend of Adlez, with intent to extend the book into a se-ries. Several concepts are preserved, most notably, the way in which Dyemons are portrayed is kept stylistically similar throughout all subsequent ELotH works.

1987

• March - Disappointed with the failure of The Sundering of Vhaxdi, Krakins invests in a chain of costumed mascot themed video arcade/restaurants called Screeching Squir-rel’s Lunchtime Brainwash. Despite an early incident at a Seattle restaurant in which a drunken Krakins gets into a slap fight with several small children after a Skee Ball tour-nament that was supposed to be “fixed” goes awry, the chain does fairly well due to its after hours hot dog swallow-ing contests.

• May - Holhik wins the factory that was to become the birth-place of the CCG.

• November - Eager to cash in on the phenomenon of fan’s paying to read advertisements the ELotH:TES Magazine is created.

1988

• July - German translation of Realmmasters first undertaken by the Berlin publishing house of Fischer-Bosch GMBH. The term translation is used, but the German contracts actually use a word which translates more accurately as re-imagining.

• October - A set of 3 Elemenstor Battles (Promotional Cards) released

1989

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• January - The Elemenstor Battles card game is released. This is generally considered to be the true beginning of the ELotH:TES setting.

• June - The final Screeching Squirrel’s location is forced to close when several animatronic woodland creatures cease to function properly and instead of singing merry songs begin to recite backward Latin and spew flames from their eye sockets.

• December - Elemenstor Universe Championship Tourna-ment, Cleveland, OH

1992

• November - With their newfound profits, Holhik and Krakins purchase a number of endangered species and be-gin the world’s first Endangered Species Death Cage matches.

1994

• January 6 - Holhik and Krakins are each sentenced to 25 years to life in prison when the Endangered Species Death Cage underground fighting ring is exposed. Fehkoo gains complete control of Realmworlds Publishing and Realmworlds Delicious Freezees Inc.

• October - Flush with money and obsessed with the dot-com bubble, Fehkoo awakes one morning after heavy night of drinking to find he has signed seven popular online writers, each of them with gigantic contracts to write epic, fantasy-esque sagas. Tycho Brahe is among those with a contract.

1996

• May - Wizbits: Elemenstor Battle, a CCG rerelease of the original Elemenstor Battles card game, is released.

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• June 7th - The Japanese anime ElamenSTAR premieres on the Japanese satellite television network WHOA-MAN.

• August - The BBC airs the Elemenstor Radio Dramas

• November 12th - Tycho Brahe pens the first of the Epic Legends Of The Hierarchs: The Elemenstor Saga novels.

• December 24th - The release of the first expansion for WEBCCG, Quest: The Chasm, which introduced the Fairy Godfather (Card), which when combined with the Gangster Oc-topus (Card) created an unbeatable deck. The release of this must-have Christmas gift a mere 12 hours before Christmas Eve leads to riots at many local toy stores.

1997

• January - The infamous Elemenstor Riots over the Gangster Octopus (Card)

• January - alt.fan.elothtes is created

• March - Stateside release of heavily footnoted Book 3, with segments of Book 2 as an appendix. Deemed a daring pub-lishing move, the book attracts the attention of world-reknowned critic Harold Bloom. Bloom glowingly reviews it as the “product of a mind that has clearly marinated in the best juices of the Western cannon” and claims to find eso-teric meanings hidden in the book. Widespread critical ac-claim does not come until the publication of Book 8. (Book 2 will not be released until 2004.)

• March - alt.fantasy.elothtes is created

• June 1 - The second WEBCCG expansion, Epic Legends of the Hierarchs (Later printings renamed to Collide: The Vision to keep the naming scheme of the first few sets), is released to build anticipation for the upcoming Book 4. Due to time constraints, this set consists of cards from the previous sets with randomly assigned Element powers. The WEBCCG:ELOTH version of the Gangster Octopus (Card) is so rare that nobody has actually seen one.

• June 7 - The premiere episode of the second season of Elamen-STAR re-airs in Japan (initially aired as a special on 31 De-cember 1996). It fares poorly due to a changeable air day and time, but fans create a vast secondary distribution sys-tem with VHS. The fansub community kicked into high

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gear, often shipping crates of dubbed VHSs to the US within ten days of the episodes’ original air dates.

• June 16 - Bookstores around the world hold Epic Midnight Madness Elemenstoring Parties in preparation for the re-lease of Book 4 of the Epic Legends Of The Hierarchs: The Elemenstor Saga

• July 26 - The drinking and pill binge takes place as ELotH:TES becomes wildly popular.

• July 30 - Realmworlds Publishing creates Elemenstors of the Penin-sula as an imprint for all ELotH:TES products

• August 13 - The ELotH: TES - Pen and Paper RPG is printed by Black Fox Games, with innumerable supplements pumped out in an short period of time.

• September - rec.arts.elothtes is created, over the vehement objections of the denizens of alt.fan.elothtes and alt.fantasy.elothtes. For six months, a cross-group flamewar persists, with many articles cross-posted to two of the three groups. Eventually things settle down, with most of the fandom posting in r.a.e.

• December 1 - The third expansion to WEBCCG is released, Vanish: The Power. Cards in this set are so vastly overpow-ered that they render play with cards from previous sets im-possible.

• December 26 - Tides of Epic Conflict Saga, another series in the ELoTH universe, is published. Since it predates both the ElemenSTARs and Brahe’s epic by thousands of years, covers a time only previously mentioned in footnotes, is not advertised for, and is released the day after Christmas, few buy it. Still, it enjoys mild popularity among hardcore fans looking for something to buy with gift certificates and store credit for returned gifts at bookstores.

1998

• March 8 - Steven Anderson, creator of The Elementalist series sues Elemenstors of the Peninsula for copyright infringement. Anderson claims Krakins used Anderson’s ideas in the crea-tion of ELothHTES. Krakins vehamently denied any such charges, however, the case was settled outside of court for

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an undisclosed amount of money and ELothHTES mer-chandise.

• March 22 - The first edition of the roleplaying game system ELotH : The Furnishing is released by Elemenstors of the Penin-sula, to the great offense of Black Fox Games, publishers of the ELotH: TES - Pen and Paper RPG. Despite harassment by Black Fox, ELotH: The Furnishing is more popular.

• September 9 - Season 3 of ElamenSTAR airs in Japan. Reac-tions to this season are mixed, as the show remains themati-cally mature but tackles slightly more mundane “adult” issues. Episode #58, “Shock! Sexism in the workplace!”, is seen as a particularly odd direction for the series.

1999

• March 24 - Creation of rec.games.card.elemenstor, the Use-net group for Elemenstor Battles. The group has a chequered history recDOTgamesDOTcardDOTelemenstor.

• February - Worldwide release of Book 8, with some critics grudgingly ceding to the raw power of the ELotH:TES jug-gernaut by providing positive reviews. Most notably, The Nation claims to find a radically subversive social message in the volume.

• September 2 - Season 1 of The Wizbits airs in the US, after heavy lobbying from fans who enjoyed the fansubbed ver-sion. The show is very popular among the general public, but hardcore fansubbers are enraged by the poor editing judgement shown by cut-rate reanimators, United Dildonics.

• September 25 - Season 4 of ElamenSTAR airs in Japan, fea-turing the Four Underdogs all grown up. No one seems to care, as the amount of “mature material” in the show is un-affected by this change.

• December - Worldwide release of Book 9, timed to coincide with the Winter holidays, is delayed until January with the ostensible justification that the publishers wanted a simulta-neous global release, and that some translations were not yet finished.

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2000

• July 15 - The final season of ElamenSTAR premieres in Japan.

• September - Season 2 of The Wizbits airs in the US.

• October - Finnish translation of Book 10 released, according to publication date in the book. I have found Finnish news-papers showing large crowds of people under a banner with the book’s cover art and a large “#1” printed above it.

• October 8 - Debut of Official Wizbits Fruit Pies.

• November - Finnish translation of Book 11 released, according to publication date in the book.

• December 25 - The controversial Season 2 Christmas Spe-cial, An Elemenstor Xmas: Penny Farthing’s Specialist Gift is scheduled to air. Due to an unprecedented number of com-plaints sent to the FCC, the episode enters the history books as the first show actually banned before it was seen by anybody but the production staff. Coincidentally, the number of complaints exactly matched the number of pro-duction staff employed on the show. The series was pulled from future syndication. While still considered canon, no plans exist for it to be included on future compliations.

2001

• January - Realmworlds Publishing is bought out by Multigame Corp all staff are allowed to stay on.

• Late January - Fantasy Armory LLC. is bought out by Realmworlds Publishing under the direction of Multigame Corp and renamed Realmworlds’ Armory. Production of Realmworlds’ Armory Presents: 100 Swords of Sepathok commences.

• March - Finnish translation of Book 12 is released, according to publication date in the book.

• September - Season 3 of The Wizbits airs in the US. Ratings begin to wane and it is moved around on the schedule a re-cord twelve times in efforts to please sponsors.

• October 31 - Multigame Corp drops all references to Realmworlds Publishing in favor of Elemenstors of the Peninsula.

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• November 3 - WALL website is launched; Beginning of the first WALL Agash Season.

• December - Simultaneous worldwide release of Book 10, Book 11 and Book 12 as a compilation trilogy with leather binding and gold trim, just in time for the Winter holidays.

2002

• February - Season 3 of The Wizbits ceases broadcasting after the climax of the Char Reyarteb due to a work stoppage resulting from James Langomedes’s arrest on illegal exporting charges. As Episode 307 ends with the cliffhanger of Zula being secretly brainwashed by Char Reyarteb, many fanfiction authors use this point of divergence to develop the Wizbits into a darker, more mature story. To this day, some fanfic au-thors refuse to recognize the legitimacy of the offical “Sea-son 3B”.

• May 3 - WALL presents the first Ronard Cup

• June - Book 13 released in a small print-run of 5000 after the disastrous failure of the compilation trilogy. The title is only available in gaming stores and from a few academic publish-ing outlets. Several doctoral theses in Comparative Studies are written analyzing the cycle as the non-essentialized and deterritorialized quintessence of post-modernity. Many ex-tended comparisons are made to James Joyce’s Finnegan’s Wake and the work of Deleuze and Guattari.

• July - Recall of “The Wizbits” plush doll collection due to a unusually high concentration of mercury in the edible stuff-ing.

• September - Elemenstormers Dot Com goes live. It quickly gathers a large number of users.

• November - The first English translation of the Japanese erotic comic Submissive Conqueror Lopae hits the internet, in-troducing many fans of such things to the Tides of Epic Con-flict Saga. Most, upon realizing it is not in fact pornographic, ignore the series and go back to what they were doing.

• December - Following the acquittal of James Langomedes, production and broadcast resumes on the remaining epi-sodes of Season 3.

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2003

• February 2 - The Dreaming Feculence cycle of games and nov-els begins under the direction of Richard “Guy” Jackson.

• March - Splitting the Worm is posted on Elemenstormers Dot Com, which now has over 1,750 users connected at any given time.

2004

• February 12 -- Capping an eight-year wait, Book 2 is pub-lished, long after the 13-book cycle is completed. Despite being one of the few books definitely penned by Tycho Brahe, many fans immediately declare it non-canonical.

• August 19 - Richard “Guy” Jackson leaves Elemenstors of the Peninsula part way through the production of The Dreaming Feculence citing creative differences.

• August 23 - The Great Worm Flame War brings down the Elemenstormers Dot Com servers. There was no rejoicing.

• September 11 - Wizbits Extreme airs in the US for the first time.

• November 23 - Elemenstorer, the first official computer game adaption of ELotH:TES is released as a first person shooter. While there has already been a series of videogames based off of The Wizbits, this is the first ‘pure’ ELotH:TES game. The game recieves mediocre reviews, yet due ELotH:TES’s loyal fanbase, it sells fairly well.

2005

• July - The Wizbits Extreme movie is released in Japan under a new producer. His ultimate goal with the movie was to end Wizbits Extreme in a way that would make fans support his artistic vision and create an entirely new series that was cur-rently under production. Stateside release of the movie and the new series will be delayed until Wizbits Extreme’s US run is about to end.

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• August - Yack Thomas threatens to sue Elemenstors of the Pen-insula because of a cutscreen in Elemenstorer involving explicit furnication. Yack claims that games viewing furnication in video games lead impressionable young children to do un-speakable things to their parents furniture. Yack feels the mere Teen rating is morally reprehensible, and the game should instead have a Mature rating, if not an Adults Only rating. Elemenstors of the Peninsula responds in a statement that says that in the end it is the parentls responsibility to keep their children away from negative influences such as furnication. Elemenstors of the Peninsula added that there is an option in the settings screen to ‘lock’ the furnication scene. The case has not yet been brought before the courts.

• October - The ELotH MMORPG ELotH Online The Bloodrage Chronicle enters closed Alpha test.

• October - ElamenSTAR Shuffle, the new series that followed the events in the Wizbits Extreme movie is released in Japan.

• November - This wiki is created, in a foolish, yet valiant, attempt to unify all the legendary knowledge about the Elemenstors—and perhaps bring new ideals up.

• December - Bootleg dubs of ElamenSTAR Shuffle start to surface on the internet, confirming rumors of rampant fan-service.

• December 7th - Surprise release of Tales of the Forever Road, sparking riots in many major cities.

• December 25th - Elemenstors of the Peninsula begin rebranding certain products once again using the name Realmworlds Pub-lishing, hoping to rekindle interest in fans who have drifted away from the more recent Elemenstor works.

2006

• January 4th - Lord ElamenSTAR Q vaguely mentions that the second season of Shuffle is almost complete and work on the third season will begin, but that in this new season the card game will play a “smaller role”. This left fans puzzled as the card game is the driving force which looms large in almost every episode. Without that, what could be left?

• January 22nd The Knowledge Smith, new novel by Hal Robinson to be released.

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• January 31st - Countdown to Infinite Wizbits is released, tempo-rarily straightening out the convoluted Wizbits timeline. Fans appreciate the nod to disentangling canon, and the graphic novel aids in market penetration, even though it fails to satisfy the expectations of the critics.

• Spring - Launch of the newest adult title - Erotic Blade of Shanari. Many pre-human organisms are expected to die in the enjoyment of this saga.

• Holiday Season - Supposed launch date for ELotH Online The Bloodrage Chronicle and The Wizbits Season 1 DVD.

2007

• Spring - Tentative release date for the Brotherhood Octology Book One A New Brother

2008

• Spring - Untimely release of The Wizbits Seasons 1-3 DVD Box Set as predicted by The Heirarchs of God

• October 30 - Fans that have taken the series too far have predicted James Langomedes’s death on this date with his sec-ond coming to be not long afterwards with a whole new Wizbits series.

• Rumored release of the Weighty Tome of Elemenstor.

Date Unknown

• A prevalent rumor in Elemenstor fandom is the existence of a fourteenth book in the Elemenstor Saga to be published one year and one day following the death of Tycho Brahe. Colloquially it is termed “The Fourteenth Manuscript”. Written in simple, flowing script by Brahe, it is said to bring the Cy-cle to a satisfactory close by tying together every narrative thread from every work in the Elemenstor Universe, includ-ing the fan fiction. Though there is no official word on the

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existence of such a manuscript, neither Brahe nor Realm-worlds Publishing have denied such a manuscript’s existence. All we fans can do is hope to live long lives so as to see the eventual publication of “The Fourteenth Manuscript”. (It is important to note that this wiki does not condone the mes-sage of the “Dark Fourteen”, who are spreading the rumor that “There is a faster way to find out...”)

Realmmasters

Realmmasters was the first successful fantasy book published by Realmworlds Publishing. The origin of the manuscript is shrouded in mystery. The book itself has no author listed, and popular lore maintains that either Holhik or Krakins found it in a dumpster while they scavanged for spare change. Despite the eclectic origins, Realmmasters’ timeless tale of a boy and his search for a dog (any dog) across multiple dimensions quickly became a best-seller. Critics blasted it for numerous typographical errors and the out of place and excessive criticism the book seemed to level at the seafood industry, but the public enjoyed it so much that Realmworlds Publishing com-misioned four sequels. The original author has yet to step forward and write them, but the boxed set is available for preorder. Summary of Realmmasters’ plot: Warning: SPOILERS follow A young boy, Yolando Fitch, is contacted one day by a mysterious talking letter. The letter urges him to find his true calling as a Realmmaster, master of realms. Finch undertakes a tedious and dangerous journey across multiple realms, guided by a mysterious force that will help him to master the mysterious power of the realms. In a climax that has been called the moral triumph of this literary century, Finch rejects his newfound power as a Realmmaster and journeys abroad through newfound dimensions, looking for a dog. The book ends on a sad note as Finch interrupts his quest for a dog for a routine doctor’s appointment and learns he has inoperable cancer.

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Realmworlds Delicious Freezees Inc

Realmworlds Delicious Freezees Inc. (RDFI) is the sister company to Realmworlds Publishing. Founded in 1977 on Mercer Island, Washing-ton, RDFI started out as a single frozen yogurt shop. J. Krakins, cofounder of Realmworlds, was the originator of the Freezee which would become both the namesake and the savior of the fledgling frozen yogurt stand. When Holhik and Krakins moved on to run Realmworlds Publishing full-time, Mich Fehkoo was brought on to run the business end of both companies and quickly assumed almost full responsibility for RDFI. The thirteen franchises that begain the RDFI domination of the frozen foods industry are often thought to be referenced in Book 13 of The Elemenstor Cycle, as the near-total lack of evil to defeat in that book is similar to the lack of competition that RDFI encountered in assimilating the entire frozen treats industry. Tycho Brahe has repeatedly remarked that RDFI foods give him gas and that he would never stoop so low as to reference his publisher’s sister company just to come up with material for a new book.

Realmworlds Publishing

This very popular publishing company was founded by Holhik and Krakins in 1977. Their first novel was published in 1980. The book was entitled Realmmasters. It was met with mediocre reviews from the major publications. “Funky Fantasy” magazine on the other hand proclaimed it the “fantasy novel of the year” although most people agree that the people at Funky Fantasy were always a bit off their rocker. Due to the large reader base of Funky Fantasy magazine (most of the readers are also off their rocker), it did gain enough popularity and achieved an almost cult like status among people from the country of Poland to warrant the company to continue making books with much success. Rumors have persisted for years now that the Wizbits Elemenstor Battle

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(CCG) would be re-released and entirely updated by Realmsworld Publishing, and prototype cards have even been seen in very exclusive collections. It is believed that the founders of the company, after some legal troubles, might be back in control of Realmworlds Publishing, lending credence to the re-releasal rumors. Realmworlds’s printing house, Realmworlds Printhaus, is known both for its number of accidents and the number of climactic duels held on its catwalks and scaffolds.

Recliner of Botany

A Furniliar from Book 10 who never appears at the same time as Guddboy Lad yet nevertheless has information he could only know if he had spoken with Guddboy. After Guddboy Lad was killed in the Battle of the Moonlit Banners, the Recliner of Botany was never seen or heard from again. It is presumed by many that he was killed in the Battle of Windfield Plains, where many, many other Furniliars met their end.

Return to Underpants cam-paign

The most reviled of the myriad supplements for the ELotH: TES - Pen and Paper RPG, Return to Underpants consisted of six sheets of blank paper, a nine-sided die, and a collectable miniature of an ambulatory dresser. Beyond this, there is also the ornate wooden box crafted from virgin redwood, which the supplement comes packed in and which the d9 is made out of. Conveniently overlooked, as it is inked on the inside of the virgin redwood box, is a short and rambling essay on how to “release you creative energy” by abandoning the “confining scriptures

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of rules and dice” and “enguaging in true and astonishing acts of creative display.” The supplement was written by the obscure gaming author Jane Tallow, who was tired of being confined to a “rules heavy” game. That Return to Underpants sold the worst of all the supplements, and furthermore drew fire from a colossal number of anti-deforestation groups, only added to the stigma of her experiment’s failure. She still works with Black Fox Games, for reasons she cannot aedequately explain. Those that bought and subsequently “did something” with the supplement typically used the paper to doodle on or to keep track of health during game sessions. The box has been noted as being perfect for holding “dramatically-appropriate” weapons, though exactly who has noted this is unknown.

Revolp Darkblood

The pale grey half-dragon Elemenstor from Book 11 and Book 12. Killed in a memorable scene in Battle of the Towers of Elemenstation Power, when distracted by Larrana Modpeer, who finally admits to the longing she feels for him (which is hinted at all throughout Book 11) and as he reaches to embrace her is impaled from behind by a gigantic lance. The readership is divided on whether this is very funny, or terribly tragic. At cons fans tend to talk about whether they fell out of their chair laughing at this, or cried themselves to sleep that night. Revolp is the son of Raven Darkblood from Book 7.

Rhaja Lord

An ancient, some say timeless, powerful lord who first appears soon

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after the time of The Sundering in 10,660. His appearance marks the darkest days of The Burnten’ed Times.

“None can stand before the Rhaja Lord, for he is as an evil wind, blowing away the chaff of the world.” boomed the etheral voice of the Rhaja Lord. ”Yeah? Well, you’re an arseholder!” shouted Duane.

Down from the Beutrafficades he swept like an evil wind, his black cape spread out behind him as he rode on the back of his WratheSteed, Pulveire. Flanked by his hordes of merciless Boar Men, he sowed the seeds of suffering and reaped the grim harvest of death in one kingdom after another. When it looked like no-one could stand against his evil might, Propitious Opportune gathers an army of Skarhs, Eagles, and Men that beat the Rhaja Lord all the way back to foot of the Beutrafficades. In a final battle against the Rhaja Lord, (later chronicled as the Great Battle of Great Unificationess by Ulfulaz the Historian) Propitious plunges his blessed and bejeweled Firebrand Dagger into the heart of the evil fiend. Apparently mortally wounded, the Rhaja Lord staggers backwards into the darkness of his tomb just as the walls and ceiling start to collapse around Opportune, plucky sidekick Garvey and a magic talking lance named Duane. They escape from the cave just in time, and the Rhaja Lord is buried, never again to trouble the land in the times of these Men. The Rhaja Lord returns in Book 9 to lead the Rogue Chronosorcellors, guiding them to use their powers to create the Rhjajyept. In so doing they would be transported back to The Four Vales before the Darkstorm in which the Rhaja Lord himself was seeded. To aid his conquest, the foul lord of untime crafted a Furniliar known as War Chest the Almighty from the broken bodies of 100 lesser furniliars. In time, War Chest the Almighty would become as infamous as the Rhaja Lord himself.

Rhjajyept

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The collective entity blasphemously compared to the Ginormous Soul that the Rhaja Lord intends to create by a secret Banachronation that would momentarily carry the Lord and the Rogue Chronosorcellors of the Jyept Adept back to The Four Vales before the Darkstorm. This would supposedly allow the Rhaja Lord to perform a ritual that would enable him become the ultimate, and very evil, Hierarch known as Rhjajyept. The plot ultimately fails (in more senses than one) when the Jyept Adept discover the ploy and turn against their master at the last moment.

Rickett’s and Toby’s Guide

Rickett’s and Toby’s Guide is the most comprehensive encyclopedia in all of Battal. Several versions of the Guide are available: The classical, illustrated full version consists of thirty-seven volumes, each one two feet tall, six inches think and heavy enough to crush a fluffy white bunny with big brown eyes into an adorable red paste. The smaller editions are usually more popular, however, such as the “I can’t believe it’s not abridged” three-volume superfine print version with microdot illustrations, fold-out magnifying glass and migraine tablets. Few homes in the land are without at least the single-volume super-abridged copy of “The Very Best of Rickett’s and Toby’s”. The guide was started, and is still run, by Jeremiah Hoosawut Rickett and Diamanta Toby. The two met in a bar on New Year’s Eve 18,999. Both being in high spirits and each drunk enough to think the other attractive, or at least vaguely symmetrical, one thing led inevitably to another. Or, to quote a statement made by both parties many years later, one thing led to “the worst fornicatory experience that any two humans and no goats have ever consensually engaged in”. When they awoke the next morning, they took one look at each other and instantly swore a lifetime oath of celibacy. Surprisingly, they then went on to form a lasting and lucrative publishing partner-ship, albeit one completely devoid of eye contact. While not a match made in heaven, it was definitely a match made somewhere quite pleasant, probably near a lake or something. Toby’s uncle had recently passed away in his sheep, willing a small fortune to his only niece. Rickett was a licenced and experienced typesetter.

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Both were well read, unemployed and eager to make their mark in publishing. It was not long before they hit upon the idea of making the Guide. Rickett and Toby were not the first in Battal to attempt to publish an encyclopedia of this scale, but they were the first to be successful (discounting Aardnarsh’s Compendium, which is equally popular but not nearly as large). This was due largely to their innovative approach to recruiting writers: they bought a run down apartment, broke off the doorknob, furnished it with five filing cabinets, a desk and a chair, and posted a sign on the door which read, “ENCYCLOPEDIA ENTRIES SUBMITTED HERE - FREE!!!”. And waited one year. ”It was incredible,” said Rickett in a subsequent interview, “by the time we came back, the original cabinets had already filled up, so someone had added three more. And all the entries in them were filed in perfect alphabetical order. And the apartment was cleaner than when we’d bought it.” The quality of the submissions proved just as surprising as the quantity. In most cases, initial inaccuracies in the submissions had been subsequently corrected by other entrants, who had taken it upon themselves to act as editors, said Toby. “Of course, there was still a good deal of stuff that was completely unusable. Some entries were illegible, some irretrievably innaccurate, some scarringly obscene. I don’t want to talk about those, let’s just say I’ll never look at a horse the same way again. And there was one case where a guy just tied four chocolate bar wrappers together with a shoelace and filed it under “Marsupials of the higher planes”.” Over the next two months, the “slushpile” of submissions was carted away chunk by chunk, edited, typeset, and then (optimistically) returned to await the next edition. Things initially looked grim: In its first run, the Guide sold no better than any previous multi-volume encyclopedias. Fortunately, Rickett and Toby had saved so much money by not actually hiring anyone that they were able to afford a second run the following year, by which time the Guide had built up enough of a reputation to keep them firmly in the black for the rest of their lives. Rickett’s and Toby’s Guide is currently in its seventeenth edition, and it remains the definitive source of information for anyone seeking to learn more about the lifeforms and locations of Battal. A carefully

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balanced copy left in the garden can also be a damn good way to stop your lettuce being nibbled. This book recieved the More Aardnarsh Than Aardnarsh seal from Fromlem’s Guide.

Rogue Chronosorcellors

Often trained originally as protectors of the timeline by members of the Chronoclave, these practitioners of timesorc’ley, driven by madness, greed, or lust for power, fight against all that the Chronoclave stand for by recklessly using time travel to sate their own ambitions. Often these ambitions include such things as going back in time to get Harbinger Portent’s autograph, or going to the future so they can see some “bitchin’ cool future stuff”, as the most depraved of them call it. The most famous Rogue Chronosorcellor of all time, no pun intended, was, is, and will be Drague Jazzicus.

Ronard’s sword has been cited as being 3 gesundheits in length with a diameter of .4 gesundheits and weighing between 10 draughties and 9 tosses. It supposedly gave off a sickly yellow glow and had the words “To Hizzenhoffen” scratched into the hilt. Given the detail with which its dimensions are presented, it is surprising to note that the nature of the weapon’s enchantment is under constant and heavy dispute by historians of the time. Some say that it possessed the gift of smell, but, given its inability to speak, this assertion is far from proven despite several claims to the contrary. They all agree, of course, that the sword was crafted out of Rubian, which was used in many magical swords during that time period. Several prominant biographers have proposed that it never actually existed and was only added posthumorously to popular lore by Ronard’s successors, who sought to justify their title as Magic Sword Kings. There was a well documented sword by the same name that was held

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by Magic Sword Kings from King Sc’rch’drth though Zonard. While this sword’s existence is well documented no historical evidence exists to prove that it is the same sword that King Ronard carried. This sword was actually specifically enchanted to be rather weak. While this is generally a counter-productive enchantment it is slightly usefull in that it’s strength is relitive, it is never extremly or slightly weak for your opponent. This makes it theorectically possible (but rather difficult) to defeat any opponent with the sword no matter the power.

A hammer of prodigous size, weight, and number of spikes. It was wielded by King Ronard, and its liberal application is regarded by historians as the source of his power and the founding of The Magic Sword Kingdom. Through countless processions of kings the hammer moved through the ages, until it was finally lost by Fonard during a particularly heated game of dwarfball at precisely The Longest Moment. The reign of the Magic Sword Kings fell into decline soon after, and came to a close with the Spica Wars. See also: Ronard’s Very Large Enchanted Spikey Hammer

Ronard Dynasty

The Ronard Dyanasty includes:

• King Ronard the Greater, the first king, and from who’s crown-ing the timeline begins.

• King Ronard the Shorter, a king of little note.

• Botard the Great and Judicious and Such

• Frogeater Notapuppet

• Ginnerfar Notallthere

• Bartholomeu Chairglued

• King Kayfabe

• Gunther Gelmy

• King Blontyak

• King Yackleson

• Fonard

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• Zonard

• Julipon

• King Ronard the Medium, the chief protagonist of Book 12, and son of Sierra Vanity.

Ronard the Medium

Son of Sierra Vanity, distant decendant of the first of the Magic Sword Kings King Ronard, he is a principal character in Book 12 of the The Elemenstor Cycle. Saved by the Dragoon Knights of Wyvernclaw Mountain in the Battle of Freedom’s Peril, Ronard went on to slay Char Reyarteb .

King Ronard the Shorter

Ronard the Shorter (583 - 1,003 TMSK) was a fairly uninfluential king as far as kings and influence go. He succeeded his father, King Ronard, the first Magic Sword King, who had ruled for a very long time using his very strong powers of persuasion and his Very Large But Unenchanted Spikey Hammer. Ronard the Shorter has no claims to his name. He made no major improvements and did no great injusitices, but sat in his throne instead, ate, and threw fits at people who referred to him as “the Shorter.” His halls were sparesly populated, as he was unable to welcome many guests due to his legendary flatulence, but, at the very least, the legends of his flatulence are still passed down to this day. He was succeeded by Botard the Great and Judicious and Such. It was his lack of strong leadership that allowed infighting and inaction of The Kings Council. This weak central government set the stage for the Vampyric Wars, which happened during his reign as high king and ultimately ended his life.

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Rubian

Tied with Stream.

Rubian – pronounced “ROO-bee-in” – are red gems of magical power, specifically of Transmorphation Elemenstation, the central skill of High Elemenstation. With the ability to turn inanimate objects into living beings, rubian are considered somehow related to the Starborn Gem, which held the same power. However, the exact correlation between rubian and the Starborn Gem is one of the great mysteries of the ELotH. While it’s canon that the Starborn Gem fell to the world as a comet, the official source of rubian was unknown for some time. Small shards of the material can be found throughout Battal, but are so small as to be practically inert, or at most can only grant some trait to an inanimate object - an elemental trait, for example, or even mild personality. (See Embedded Rubian.) The true power of rubian is manifested in larger, well-defined gems. High Elemenstors possess perfect rubian gems, which are fully capable of true, repeated Transchanting, the subtle art employed to create Furniliars; lesser, imperfect rubian gems are more common, and may only partially transmorph inanimate objects or transmorph an inanimate object once before disintegrating. This nature lends itself to the most prominent, but potentially non-canon, explanation to the source of rubian, as put forth in episode 1-03 (“Dark Wecrets”) of The Wizbits - that the impact of the Starborn Gem activated similar powers within previously inert materials. Fan speculation is as varied as it is thorough, and has long been the subject of rigorous - sometimes even heated - debate. Some people think that they’re broken shards of the Starborn Gem, or that the Starborn Gem and all other rubian are the shards of that mother stone. Others think rubian was created from the Starborn Gem by Harbinger Portent. The theory states that Portent, who did know of his imminent

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demise, being psychic and all, sought to provide to future generations a way to defeat his immortal student, Char Reyarteb. The perfect rubian gems are places where Portent’s spirit, known as the Ocumen in the series, resides, at least in this theory. Rubian are kept in a Santorum when not being used.

Origins of rubian

As alluded to above, the origin of rubian was not illuminated until episode 205 (Rasgones del Wizbits) of the Argentinian live-action The Wizbits spinoff Una Hora de Acción con los Wizbits! wherein Lander accidently ingests the root of the voba plant while travelling in the land of the Cohoris. Used as the main hallucenogenic ingredient of Cohoris Dream Paste, the voba root quickly subdues Lander as he falls into a hazy and excessively backlit psychotropic narrative. In his dreamscape, Lander is transported to a time before The Sundering to witness the final trial of Cohor, First Sire of the Cohoris. It is said that Cohor was tasked with fourteen great trials after mistakenly choosing the false Egg of Power and losing favor with the gods. The goddess Olona, who had once loved Cohor, showed the most spite of all the gods in deciding his final trial. She called for him to plough the vast onion fields of the Plane of Infinite Weeping Sorrow which legend held would only be completed ‘In the span of a million tortured souls’. However, Cohor scorned Olona with his skill and bravery, quickly delivering a pile of onion meal so vast it dwarfed the ancient home of the gods upon Mont Slightly-Taller-Than-Mont-Elim by a good couple feet. Olona was so enraged by the mortal Cohor’s hubris that she smote the bulbous edifice bringing the moderately depressing Weeping Time to all the lands. As she did this, a tear of pure rage fell from her one good eye and streaked toward Battal. Falling through the clouds of pure magik that shrouded Mont Slightly-Taller-Than-Mont-Elim casued this tear to change and crystallize. It sparked with the fury of infused magiks and whistled sharply as it fell, gaining enormous speed. Minutes later, it crashed into the base of the mountain and was destroyed in a fume of searing flame. Coincidentally, at the exact moment the tear was destroyed, the first shard of pure rubian popped into existence just to the left of the smoking crater.

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Role in Wizbits Elemenstor Battle

One of the more hotly contested cards within the CCG is the “Rubian Tear (Card)” which allows the player of the card to physically strike their opponent in homage to the rage of Olona. Once used in play, the card must be destroyed by casting it into a cauldron of smoldering embers (required game material). A common card called “Rubian Shard” was also added to the CCG. When put into play, the “Rubian Shard” is placed just to the left of the cauldron. Back to the Main Page

Rum Ol’ Phil is the imaginary friend of Squidgy, the woodworm of Abercrombie, the accidental furniliar of Semmellhalt, the squire of Doric, the knight of Gimba, the principal lady of Terle and the first female Terleian. As Abercrombie was often used to store beverages of an incredibly intoxicating nature, Squidgy would usually get drunk while eating his way around Abercrombie. This would account for his constant references to Rum Ol’ Phil, who only he could see. Squidgy would often attribute perfectly normal occurances to the actions of Rum Ol’ Phil, and dare people to disprove him. Strange occurences that could not be explained by anything within our mortal realm, however, really freaked Squidgy out. He could be heard muttering to Rum Ol’ Phil that the whole world “was probably haunted by invisible ghosts.”

Sabembermoff

Over centuries of retelling, the story of Sepathok has occasionally been corrupted and retold as the story of Sabembermoff. It is unknown whether this second name was intended by the author as a transliteration, misreading, or outright falsification on the part of someone attempting to insert themselves into the stories of the great Sepathok. Some critics have speculated that the occurance of the name

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in Tycho Brahe’s Elemenstor Cycle, Book 6 is actually an accidental misspelling (in other words, a typo). Some have gone so far as to use Sabembermoff’s mention to support the “multiple authors” theories of Fans for a True Tycho Brahe Epic. Regardless of why the name Sabembermoff appears in Book 6, the quote is obviously in reference to Sepathok and his famous 100 Swords. It occurs when Doric, Knight of the Lady of Terle, lets fly some witty repartee regarding a female opponent’s abilities as they relate to Arthak’s Blade of Incontinence.

Before him stood the last of the bandit women. Slowly and smugly, she drew her blade. ”Now you will die!” cried the greasy-haired ruffian. “Wielding one of the Hundred, I can conquer anyone!” ”Ha!” Doric flicked her wrist, disarming the bandit. “Sabembermoff had a hundred swords, each more amazing than the last, but it looks as though you only wield Arthak’s.”—Taken from Book 6, Nightstand’s Peril

I thought Doric was the knight of the lady of Terle, not the knight lady....I mean, Doric is referred to as a male in his(her??) article. Was this error on Brahe’s part, the author of this article (or the author of the Doric article), or am I just going crazy? - Dryope

Right you are... There was a missing “of the” in the above article, which I added... but the quote is accurate, although incomplete... I’ve added the previous sentance for clarity. As you can see the her is referring to the bandit. -tim

Yay. Thank you. - Dryope

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Savannah Ranger

The Savannah Rangers are nomads which roam the open grassy spaces of Battal, learning the ways of the natural world, and catalog-ing their findings in entries which they submit to the Savannah Ranger’s Society, who publish regular compendiums of savannah knowledge. Part mystic, part conservationist, part tour guide, the rangers each have a a depth of knownledge that could only come from living your whole life on the plains. Most households of Battal have a subscription to Ranger Society Savannahgraphic, which is considered to be excellent “bathroom reading.”

Notable Savannah Rangers

Elspeth the Plainsrunner Errath Southwind

Headmaster Profineous Scrooble

Headmaster of the Institute Of Accoutermentia during the period where Felthar attends (in Book 5). Grandson of Steppy Rayling from Book 4.

Semmellhalt

Semmellhalt is the squire of Doric, the knight of Gimba, the lady of Terle, and as such is the first squirely sir to the first knight of the first female Terleian and the first squirely Terleian. He is short and smells

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odd. Faced with the job of squire for the widely revered Doric, Semmellhalt let his nerves get to him. Doric was a heavy social drinker, and often entrusted Semmellhalt with his vast array of liquor and intoxicating beverages. Semmellhalt slowly slipped into a booze-induced stupor, first during times of crisis where he imagined Doric was counting on him and later whenever he saw someone look at him funny. The drinks themselves were stored in Abercrombie, who became Semmellhalt’s Furniliar by accident.


Background

Buxom supporting heroine of both Book 5 and Book 6 of Tycho Brahe’s magnificent saga. Felthar the Moderately Handsome (later to become Felthar the Darkly Mysterious), hero of both tales, accompanies her as together they fight the evil wiles of villainous Elemenstor Gorg Stinkrot. Whilst Serafina started life as a perky, ditsy blonde with ridiculous assets, she soon sobered up to fit the darker tone of Book 6 and became a streetwise and cynically independent young woman with ridiculous assets. When Serafina is first introduced, it is as an undergraduate who studies alongside Felthar at the Institute Of Accoutermentia in Ezermetha-lon. The wacky, action-packed tone of Book 5 sets them on a crazy wild-goose chase to find the Underpants of the Underdeep before their nemesis Gorg, and most fans believe that Serafina’s character truly shines brightest here. When Brahe released the apologetically sombre Book 6, depicting Felthar’s expulsion for illegal magic and his subsequent grittiness, many loyal fans cried out in outrage at the new incarnation of their beloved Serafina. Gone was the three-times winner of the prestigious Ezermethalon Under 19’s Wet T-Shirt Contest; in her stead was some bitter stranger fond of breaking her enemies’ noses and then punching them in the throat. For many Serafina lovers, this face-bloodying throat-punching rogue killed their image of her straight away. Serafina became a significantly less popular character as a result. Having resolved the matter of the living nightstand and having been

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rescued by Felthar from the malicious Chair Brigade, Serafina went on to pursue romance with her long-time companion. However it was not to be, and after a few awkward dates they went their separate ways. Serafina went on to become a serving wench at the Pig’s Annoyance, a position for which she was more than appropriately buxom.

Merchandise

Serafina, or her Book 5 incarnation at least, was remarkably popular with males aged 13-17, and in Japan especially a significant amount of unlicensed - and some licensed, as it was the time of the drinking and pill binge - merchandise was produced. These include such favourites as Serafina’s Hot Love Express Power, and Serafina Real Life Size Interactive Love Doll. Serafina appears in many unlicensed and ridiculously out-of-continuity Japanese movies and manga with the also-ridiculously endowed, yet lesser-known Lopae of Hopea. Diehard Serafina fans have lobbied for an adult-oriented animated series to go with the new range of ELotH:TES adult novels, and it seems as though Brahe is beginning to cave to the idea. Official Merchandise: ELotH Limited Edition Busts Todd Mcfarlane’s Elemenstors Action Figure

ELotH:TES Canon

Serafina is introduced in Book 5, and also plays a major role in the events of Book 6. We first meet Serafina in Book 5 while she is working a booth at the Job Fair in the Student Union Building at Institute Of Accoutermentia. She was giving out free promotional bags of minor holding to promote the bag makers guild.

“Well, hello there,” Felthar said to the cute young undergrad. “What’s your name?” ”Serafina,” she said with a smile and she held out one of her bags. “Free bag?”

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A dark shadow passed over Felthar’s face. He took a step back, and then balled his fist and punched her, hard in the nose. She crumpled to the ground, her hands over her face, shrieking. Several students from neighboring booths ran over to see what the commo-tion was all about. ”Serafina! Are you alright!?!” her friend said, kneeling next to her. Tears streaming down her cheeks she sobbed, “I think he may have broken my nose.” One of the older male students turned on Felthar, “You nutfob arseholder! What’s the meaning of all this then?” Felthar looked taken aback. “Serafina, you say?” He blushed. “I could have sworn she said Stefarina.”

Fan Art

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Somewhat Epic Trilogy: Hot Times on Little Earth

A moderately successful science fiction trilogy purportedly written by a disgruntled young Carry Elemenstor named Mycho Eharb. These books detail the strange goings on in a world devoid of Elemenstation, where all furniture has been reduced to the status of mere tools and decora-tion. SET:HToLE (as the fans refer to it) is notable for two reasons. The first is that, in this science fiction universe of Eharb’s creation, there exists a fantasy epic called Epic Legends of the Hierarchs: The Elemenstor Saga which Eharb uses as a device to cast his harsh judgement upon many people and practices of Battal. The second point of interest is that, although the books are extremely popular in Battal, the physical objects themselves are never evident at any point in Tycho Brahe’s cycle. Characters are often depicted as looking for the copy that they thought they left right there and, in fact, it is occasionally suggested that the books may not exist at all.

Shadia

One of the Twelve Realms. A small nation, Shadia was entirely surrounded by tall Evergrowth Trees, casting it in eternal shade. Unfortunately, this made it one of the first conquests of the Vampyric Wars, and it fell in year 939 (TMSK).

Shadia was comfortably wedged between K’th’ith’h and The Kingdom of Yymp in the southern half of The Shield. Its proximity to the ruined gates of the Chasm of Eternal Sorrow contributed to the nation’s swift descent into ruin and its transformation into a barren swampland. In addition to a large population of Men, Shadia was the original

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home of the Elf-Witches and Witch-Elves. Cities of Shadia

• Yore

• Shenda

Shatterfrag

One of the basic-issue monsters of Battal, the Ubewe, was an unas-suming and harmless monster, but after a hiccup in the breeding cycle, the wee creatures gained the ability to transform their feature-less morphic heads into alchemical explosives, which, upon exposure to oxygen, detonated in a shower of razor-sharp fragments. The shattered remnants of the shatterfrag’s body grows into large seed pods, which birth more shatterfrags, and so on. The only way to safely dispose of a shatterfrag is to use Fire, magical or not. They were used extensively by Char Reyarteb, who used them as living ordinance during his resurgence. Due to their prolific numbers, the phrase Kill it with fire! was hurled about with considerable frequency, and later became a catch phrase. For example:

“Damn, I think my wife has a PMS. How can I get her to calm down?” The man’s friend turned, smiling. “That’s easy. Kill it with fire.” ”Who’s the ‘it’ here, my wife or the chitinous mon-strosity lurking beneath my house?” His friend shrugged. “Whichever’s better for you.” ”My wife it is,” he said, staring longingly at the conveniently-placed barrel of kerosine near the tavern’s exit.—from Book 8.

Sierra Vanity

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The main protagonist of Book 10. Sierra Vanity dies in the openings of Book 12, though her son, Ronard the Medium restores the Ronard Dynasty in the same book.

Early Days

In the year 23,354, Sierra Vanity was a teenager when she inherited the Old House of Eyekia Lane after her long-lost great-uncle died and willed it to her. Little did she know the history of the house, or how this seemingly insignificant house would cause her to become involved in one of the most Epic of all the Epic struggles Battal had ever seen.

Guddboy Lad and The Old House

Through a series of adventures with the kitchen boy Guddboy Lad, Sierra soon discovered that the old house was, in fact, imbued with the terrible dread power of long-forgotten dark lord Char Reyarteb; it was just as the Elemenstor master Ubrith had suspected. This in and of itself was a manageable situation for the Elementstors, for the spirit of Reyarteb was still deep in slumber somewhere within the house. Unfortunately, Sierra somehow screwed things up and accidentally awakened said spirit during an impromptu wet-cloak contest at the house.

The Gathering Storm

Brought together by the gathering storm of darkness over the land of Battal (not to mention Guddboy’s incoherent but romantic bab-blings), Sierra and Guddboy fall in love, and at the beginning of Book 11, we find that they are now wed and have a son by the name of Ronard (Ron, for short). As the tale continues, Ron grows up into young adulthood. The Companionship of the Elemenstors reconvenes, and as the evil continues to spread across the land, the Elemenstors soon realize that the epicenter of the evil in the old house is, in fact, the enigmatic kitchen doorknob. Sierra, Guddboy, and Ron, find that

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their destiny is inextricably linked to the house and the coming war - for they must return to the house to retrieve and vanquish the doorknob once and for all (by throwing it in the trash, of course) while the Elemenstors do battle with the forces of evil springing up around Battal. Alas Sierra and Guddboy once again inexplicably screw up, when all they had to do was “just throw the dang thing away”, as Ubrith and the rest of the Companionship of the Elemenstors had in-structed them.

Her Tragic End

Tragically, at the first of the climactic seventeen final battles of the Hierarch Wars - the Battle of the Moonlit Banners - Sierra is killed in a betrayal engineered by the Dark Elemenstrix Kapybara. Ron and Guddboy vow revenge over her lifeless body, this setting up events for a final confrontation with Reyarteb at the last of the seventeen battles - the Battle of Freedom’s Peril. Fan Art

(Guys, it’s been a while since I’ve read Books 10-12 - I’m blanking on a lot of the details, please help)

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Simon the Severe

A short story taking place between Book 5 and Book 6, regarding a Furniliar Bookshelf named Simon who learns High Elemenstation by reading the vast tomes contained within his own body. Considered anachronistic and vaguely sacriligious to hardcore fans, because Simon performs the ritual of Transchanting on himself, thereby igniting a Chicken/Egg debate about which came first, Transchanting or Furniliars. Also known as “Simon the Furni-Pated” It is thought that the story of Simon was inspired by the original story of Jonathan, the throne that was his own furniliar, which appeared in the first set of the CCG in 1989, and was cut from an early draft of the Elemenstor Radio Dramas.

Single Author Theory

The Single Author Theory is a reactionary school of thought that maintains that contrary to the elaborate conspiracy theories of the Fans for a True Tycho Brahe Epic (FfaTTBE), the Epic Legends Of The Hierarchs: The Elemenstor Saga was penned in its entirety by Tycho Brahe. Although several strange circumstances do surround the series, including the variation of stylistic tendencies in the writing and thematic differences that are only loosely tied together, especially towards the end of the Saga, Single Author Theorists claim that this alone does not demonstrate that the entire series was not written by a single man. They also point to the extremely erratic and often incoherent Book 13 of the series, the drinking and pill binge of 1997, and other apparent unspeakable events in Tycho’s life as evidence of the author’s eventual mental breakdown. Rather than taking the approach of the FfaTTBE, Single Author Theorists speculate that Tycho likely suffered from several mental disorders, including potentially attention deficit disorder, manic-depressiveness, schizophrenia, augmented of course by his alleged drinking habit. Any or all of these conditions, Single Author

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Theorists claim, could well explain both the strange pattern of the books and the willingness of the author to support ill-advised marketing schemes, including the widely-despised Wizbits side-story. Although there is no single unified approach taken by Single Author Theorists, all tend to embrace some aspect of the theory. The general consensus is that although Tycho Brahe was a beloved and masterful author responsible for one of the greatest fantasy epics of all time, like all true geniuses he was also a deeply disturbed man. Whatever unimaginable demons lurk within the complex mind of Tycho Brahe, both Single Author Theorists and the FfaTTBE do agree on one thing: the Elemenstors Saga could not have been possible without his unique inspiration.

Sjkarblae

Pronounced in Plaincommon as Zha-bley. Plain common lacks a phonetic equivalent to the proto-sound indicated by “Sjk”. The term is generally pluralized in colloquial plaincommon.

General

One of the four original Most Discerning Races, the Sjkarblae were initially unhappily located in the Vale of Eir. Directly after the Darkstorm, the Sjkarblae reappeared in time-space, worshipping Gespeshio’s Globule Vivific. They then disappear from the record, but relatively soon afteward, the Ecreekem appear, and are called forth from the Plains of Estereem to worship Gespechio, the progeny of Gespeshio. The Ecreekem were almost certainly a result of a “union” between Skjkarblae and Furniture, which Gespechio somehow transforms into a self-constructing line of beings. As such, some Furnies dress in attire that they imagine to be that of the Sjkarblae as part of their disgusting furniture play.

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Apparent Descendents

The various races of elves, including The Low-Elves, the Dim Elves, the Witch-Elves, and even The Completely Ordinary Non-Elves are thought to have unusually large amounts of Sjkarblae ancestry. In the case of The Completely Ordinary Non-Elves, this may account for their desire to transform their identity; many pre-op Non-Elves have shrines to Gespeshio in their boudoirs.

The Slightly Older Ones

These foes only told of in the legends of the Mean Elves is said to rule the Darkunder. Cheifing over the countless minions of the under-underworld they rule the darkness with an Iyorn fist. (Or claw, tentacle, tendril or pincer. Nobody is quite sure and it differs from which Mean Elf is doing the telling.)

“It is lucky for you that we have accompanied you Overworlders into The Underdeep,” said Cutter Glade, “for great are the perils of this land.” ”Yeah, a bat-mouse was kind of hovering around my face earlier, and it was really creeping me out.” said S’yrf’yl. ”Do not mock us, fuzzball!” snapped Healix Freena, “for there are far fouler things lurking in the darkness than you have seen, where the Slightly Older Ones watch with a thousand eyes, gnashing their maws of razor-sharp teeth and polishing the mighty claws and pincers that protrude from their massive tentacles!” Quailheart snorted in contempt and rolled his eyes. ”You Vanilla Elves know nothing of the Empire of

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Dark,” growled Freena, jumping in front of Quailheart and drawing close to his face, “For here from every corner the wailing of tortured souls can be heard if one listens closely enough... if one has attuned themselves to the cries of the ancients with steel and leather.” S’yrf’yl leaned in and whispered into Quailheart’s ear: “Dude... I think she’s hitting on you.”—from The Dawn of Unlight’s Setting, Part 2: Victory’s Deathknell

If the Slightly Older Ones exist (which any Mean Elf is sure to try to convince you of) they possibly are a few very old Dyemons or perhaps a few remaining Encients, living deep underground. Other than Mean Elf sources, there are few other documented references to the Slightly Older Ones. One prominant non-mean elf quote is a quote captured from the Eldritch Beings Beyond Comprehension by a young Elemenstor.

“Dude...the Slightly Older Ones...those dudes are like...totally old...and totally harshing my buzz.” -Mashmakhazghanyanu (Who later vomited acid on the unlucky Elemenstor’s shoes.)

Smug Ape

The Smug Ape is simian named for its smug expression and superior attitude. These characteristics nearly lead to its extinction after the species discovery, as men felt threatened by their attitude and perceived sexual prowess. The species was saved from the brink of death by the discovery that

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as a familiar they give their Mage or Elemenstor an increased virility and an increased sense of self worth. Rumors persist that the influence of these familiars led to the creation of the often looked down upon Wasted Elemenstors For an example of this one needs look no further than the disas-trously famous Turnum and his “Master” Dogus Brankorking. The bastard offspring of an encounter between a smug ape and a buffalo produced the Wang Kingdom crossbreed known as the Wangalo, which, if it’s even possible, is even more smug than a smug ape, wearing its cocky smile on its turgid shaft-skull.

Sotar Olderndirt

19,967 - 20,146 Sotar was already of middle age when he was first taught the secrets of High Elemenstation, and was able to see the future and the past. He gave up his mind and his life in an Epic struggle to prevent an army of War Men from being reborn at Wang’s Peak while Steppy and Gavment are attempting to prevent Yoxor Xxar from destroying the other Elemenstors with the added might of the Doomblade. Sotar’s Furniliar is named Bom. The creepy old-man love scene he has with Steppy was in many peoples’ opinions, the least cool thing in Curse of the Doomblade. References: Book 4 of The Elemenstor Cycle

The Spaghetti Plane

Back to Planes

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The Spaghetti Plane is the highest of the many planes of Elmether. It is a plane outside the flow of time, and it is so named because of how all the various threads and strands of time look when viewed from the Spaghetti Plane. During the Hierarch Wars, this plane was known as the Place of Long Lines, and the Elemenstor Zuumont was exiled here for a short time.

The plane is the home of the secret orginization called the Chronoclave, who swear to protect time itself. Their headquarters are located on the western part of the plane. (At least, the western part of the plane as mapped by Verdant Anuerism in the lost tome Atlas to the Elmether. The plane is said to defy mortal senses of direction).

It is a common misconception that Levitating Pasta Fiends spawn here. This is incorrect, although many use it as a hunting ground, attracted by the presence of the Chronoclave. When an Elemenstor visits the Spaghetti Plane, he forces a small bubble of it into linear perception, causing a great disturbance. Thus, only powerful Elemenstors may visit the plane, and they are not welcome for long. Still, the Chronoclave are not openly hostile to visitors from beyond, and can be quite helpful (as demonstrated in the Hierarch Wars). A constant or instantaneous battle is waged on the Spaghetti Plane between Chronosorcellors associated with the Chronoclave and Rogue Chronosorcellors. As all parts of this battle are going on at every moment, so when linearizing moments of the plane, one side or another may suddenly be winning. Unprepared visitors may find themselves allied with a losing side if they are not careful. Verdant Anuerism claimed that the Chronoclave are the victors of this battle, but, whatever form this victory takes, it is not perceivable to those who enter it. The Forever Road can be found on a mind-numbing plinth near the center of the plane, so approximately where-ever.

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Spaghetti Westerns

A classification of fan fiction that involves inserting meddling by the Chronoclave in places where they did not canonically meddle. Named thusly because the Hall of the Chronoclave is situated on the western edge of the Spaghetti Plane. In addition to this reasoning, someone may have also thought that they were being particularly clever. A (Necessarily) Incomplete List of Spaghetti Westerns written by a cavelcade of internet authors:

• Harbinger Portent vs-

• the very well recieved Destiny of the Strands of Fate

• Chronosorcellors F*ck the Timeline

• Places Lopae Shouldn’t Be

• Proposal 2

spica

• pronounced sp-eye-ka A substance related to the eulithian spirits as a body is related to a soul. It plays a role in the timesorc’ley practiced by Chronosorcellors that is not entirely dissimilar to the role played by rubian in the art of High Elemenstation. However, spica is necessarily consumed in its use and has a number of unfortunate side effects, including dizziness, nausea, suicidal thoughts, an elongation and thinning of bodily features, and is highly addictive. It also tends to make Chronosorcellors reek strongly of spica which practically oozes from their pores. Spica can also be used to make containers of epic holding; during the period of The Resundering disposable containers of this nature

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were in such widespread use that there was much talk of an eventual exhaustion of spica supplies. Tiny amounts of spica can be used in the brewing of Magical Potions, to give them a distinctive flavor and aroma, but nothing else.

Spica Mines

Mines from which the coveted resource spica is drawn. Primarily distributed in desert regions, there are also legends of underwater mines. Mining of spica even under the most stringent of controls nonetheless creates some spatiotemporal rifts. This partially explains why children were permitted to work in spica mines long after they were prohibited from working in Apostrophine mines; it was simply impossible to demonstrate that an individual emerging from the mine as a child had begun the day in the same state. It is conjectured that the first of the spica mines was the Grotto of Woe.

Spica Wars

Overview

The Spica Wars refers to the period of time between The Longest Moment in 9473 and The Sundering in 10435. This was a chaotic transitional period after the Magic Sword Kings had fallen. The Magic Sword Kingdom split against itself, Men became divided amongst themselves and eventually even Battal itself divided. It was epicasmic! After King Ronard’s line failed, the world plunged into war. During this time no one group held power; control of the land was chaoti-cally divided between the Chronosorcellors led by Yar the Sorcerial, the Elemenstors, the shattered remains of the Magic Sword Kings, the Albrosian Alliance founded by Vaxin the Tiny, and the Ottoman Empire. It was a period of constant warfare over resources, primarially spica,

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but to a lesser exent Rubian, Meteoric Iron, Elemenstronium, Eyuda, and Elemenstorial Salt. Often these resources were used as currency. In the end, Yar the Sorcerial tricked Prince Zonard into war entering an all-out war against him. The epic struggle between them unleashed Unbelievably Potent Magical Energies, which formed an Eldritch Rift that tore the world apart. This event, known as The Sundering, marked the end of the age, and the end of the world as it was known. The world would not be made whole again for over two millenia, when Harbinger Portent, using the Starborn Gem, was to unleash the forces that would cause The Unsundering and the Century of Fire.

Timeline Events

• 9,473 - Yar the Sorcerial enchants Ronard’s Very Large But Un-enchanted Spikey Hammer (now known simply as Ronard’s Very Large Enchanted Spikey Hammer), with the enchantment of “perpetually smelling of peanuts”, which made it utterly use-less to the line of Magic Sword Kings(who suffered a heriditary weakness to the quaternary element peanut).

• 9,473 - The death of King Fonard and the ensuing fight to the death of all his children except Julipon. This tradgedy, combined with the loss of Ronard’s Very Large But Unen-chanted Spikey Hammer brings the reign of the Magic Sword Kings to a close.

• 9476 - Vaxin the Tiny forms her band of adventur-ers/admirers and takes part in many epic exploits.

• 9,481 - Vaxin reorganizes her motley crew into an itinerant army of roguish good intentions.

• 9,485 - Vaxin the Tiny and Rothgar the Vaxin-Marryer marry, thus cementing the Albrosian Alliance.

• 9,510 - Yar the Sorcerial captures the fledgling kingdom of Ezermethalon and begins a constant campaign of war.

• 9,519 - Vaxin the Tiny and Rothgar, Yar-fighter are killed by Yar the Sorcerial in battle.

• 9,601 - Osmond the Ottoman takes absolute control of the Ottoman Empire.

• 9,825 - For one month all aliances dissolve and literally eve-ryone is at war with everyone. This is know as The Smotening.

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• 9.838 - The last High August Jade Lotus Emperor Chad Shinjuko dies.

• 10,159 - Rdclslcmplxnm the Unprouncable dies, choking during an attempt to say his own name on a dare.

• 10,429 - The fragile and temporary Peace Treaty of 10,429 is established, thus ending the Spica Wars.

Spiral Doom

Spiral Doom was one of The Eight Elemental Constructs, representing the perverted force of elemental Air. Spiral Doom could take three different forms. The first was simply that of an invisible force, though this was its weakest ‘stealth’ form. The second was that of a swirling dark vortex that would buffet its foes with epic gusts and shoot lightning at them. The third - and most epic - of its forms was that of a fine blueish mist, which would attack its enemies from without and within by seeping into their lungs and choking them. First appearing in Book 10, Spiral Doom was the first Construct unleashed by the Dark Elemenstors as they prepared to restore Char Reyarteb to power, though we don’t know it’s true nature until Book 11 where the other seven Constructs are introduced. The Construct actually has a showdown with the Elemenstors Ubrith and Jarvelos. It’s an epic battle, but Spiral Doom is victorious, killing Jarvelos with it’s deadly mist form, and disappearing into the sky booming with mocking laughter. This of course sets up Ubrith, who vows to avenge her fallen lover, to have a second climactic battle with the Construct of Air. Indeed she spends much of Book 11 searching for the fiendish Elemental. Unfortunately, the plot was never resolved. Ubrith doesn’t even appear in Book 12. Some rumours suggested that the plot was originally a major thread in Book 12, but ended up being cut for space. The Fans for a True Tycho Brahe Epic (FfaTTBE) choose to see this glaring omission as further proof that Tycho Brahe was not the only writer working on the

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epic. Still more rumours have circulated that The Fourteenth Manuscript contained a side plot that would wrap up this thread, as Ubrith had become one of the more popular characters in the series, and to have so blatently dropped the plot was confusing to most. Ultimately, Spiral Doom is never killed in the main series due to this rather glaring oversight, much to the dissatisfaction of many a fan.

Squidgy

Squidgy is the woodworm of Abercrombie, the accidental furniliar of Semmellhalt, the squire of Doric, the knight of Gimba, the principal lady of Terle and the first female Terleian. Squidy played a brief but vital role in the deposing of Dorc the Incontinent before he became the woodworm of Abercrombie. In addition, he was often drunk, due to the various alcohols and intoxicating liquors stored within Aber-crombie. These would soak the wood that Squidgy ate, although he often bypassed the wood altogether and went straight for the rum. This probably led to Rum Ol’ Phil, Squidgy’s imaginary friend.

Ssskssenek

Introduced in Tycho Brahe’s Book 4 and appearing in the Tides of Epic Conflict Saga, the Ssskssenek are a very kind and peace-loving race. They look similar to weasels but can be up to 7 feet tall when standing fully upright. They rarely do so, prefering to arch their backs into more comfortable positions. Their other notable feature is their two heads. About two thirds up their body, their neck splits and forms two elongated heads. Whether or not each head has its own mind has yet to been confirmed. Some are portrayed as having both heads work in concert, even in speaking at the same time. Others seen to have both their heads seperated in action but united in their cause. Finally a few are shown as having their heads work against each other, often bickering like old married couples. The Ssskssenek are the first to be attacked by the evil Yoxor Xxar and

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his Evilnors. At first they attempt to hide within their city but Gavment manages to convince them to fight for their home. It turns out that the venom produced by the Ssskssenek’s cheek glands is extremely potent against Evilnors and the battle is turned into a complete rout, ending the Evilnor threat forever. Unfortunatly the Sssksseneks are rarely seen in the later books. They are mentioned on book 9 as one of the races to be swept aside by the Rhaja Lord. In book 10, Sierra Vanity is sold an apple by a Ssskssenek merchant. Finally, in book 13, chapter 7 there is a long section that consists of nothing but repetitions of the letters S, K, and E, with the occasional N. “Ssskssenek” appears there several times. They live in an underground city named Ssskssenekland.

Ssskssenekland

An underground city beneath the sandstone mountain of Mount Which-Cannot-Move-But-Does. Home of the Ssskssenek, described as “A stunningly beautiful city filled with all manners of nooks and crannies.” The unique architecture of marble and sandstone was crafted by Ssskssenek artisans over the course of 30 generations. Gavment comes to the city and marvelling at the wonders and the obvious strength and dedication of the peoples, convinces the Ssskssenek to fight against the Evilnors in Book 4. In Book 9 it is mentioned in passing that Ssskssenekland was decimated by the Rhaja Lord.

Staffmaestro Rodney

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In Book 3 he teaches Gavment how to use and pose with the deadly Battlestaff

The Starborn Gem

The most powerful artifact in the universe, and its impact on Battal.

The Anvil and its Splinter

Forged by the Hierarchs, the Oculus Omnipotens was indeed a marvelous artifact, seemingly sentient in being and quite intelligent. The strange, ancient language of the stars pulsated across the ruby-red jewel, and its magik force so incredible as to drive those not powerful enough to look upon its sixteen external faces completely insane. The very shape of the jewel is indescribable, as it’s very form is dependant on the angle from which the viewer looks at it. The Oculus Omnipotens contained a great deal of knowledge (possibly infinite), attained through its previous travels throughout the universe. However, there was a single entity within the gem that did not believe this collection of knowledge to be logically—and morally—correct. Aklom Reklats, one of many entities within the Oculus Omnipotens, argued that it was “unfair to withhold so much knowledge from the world, when it is the right of all to receive knowledge”. This did not go well with Reklats’ brethren, known as the Starchildren, and thus Reklats was expelled from the jewel. Reklats would never again see the sixteen faces of the Oculus Omnipotens.

Discovery and Reinvention

The Oculus Omnipotens continued to withhold knowledge from the universe. In fact, to the one who allegedly uncovered it first in the Unothath Desert, the Harbinger Portent, it gave only a fraction of its

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wisdom. To Portent, the Starborn Gem, as it came to be called, gave the knowledge of High Elemenstation, a force that the great Harbinger felt was the strongest he had ever seen in his life. Little did he know, however, that this power was far from the greatest that the Starborn Gem had to offer—and thus, the Harbinger was content with what he had, and proceeded to use his newfound knowledge for his own means. With his newly acquired gem, which Harbinger Portent crafted onto the top of his Elemenstave, Harbinger Portent invoked the power to transform inanimate objects into incarnations of small fractions of the Starborn Gem’s power. An example of this was Portent’s student, Char Reyarteb’s, staff’s transformation into a large serpent. After Reyarteb fell to evil and smote his teacher, Portent’s relatively strong connection to the Starborn Gem allowed him to revive life within The Shield and The Sickle.

Pawns and Knights

The Starborn Gem’s last usage was by Char Reyarteb in 17,910, who used its energies to rid himself of his mortal coil and create—from what he thought was a barren excuse for a world—a completely new realm for his liking. The Starborn Gem offered its unknowing pawn legions of soldiers to conquer the world in exchange for Reyarteb’s total obedience, and thus began the reign of Reyarteb—and further up, the domination of the Starborn Gem over all of Battal. When Reyarteb was defeated by four teenagers with unprecedented power granted to them by Aklom Reklats and The Ocumen, however, the now-heavily damaged Starborn Gem found solace within the very depths of Battal’s earth. To the present, the Gem lies, waiting until it can find another, perhaps more powerful, candidate for its ultimate goal: the absorption of all knowledge, and thus power, within Battal—and the many worlds beyond.

Miscellaneous Information

• It is believed by many that the killer of the famed creator of The Shoe Masterpiece’s evidence clerk for the theft of the piece, John Dolan, was in fact the Starborn Gem.

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- It should be noted that Aklom Reklats still exists as the most powerful holder of the remainder of the Starborn Gem’s power, although Reklats is unaware of it.

Steppy Rayling

Steppy is the niece of Gavment Rayling, and appears in Book 4 of The Elemenstor Cycle as a young maiden. She spends the first half of the book trying to motivate her uncle to stop drinking and go save the world. This is especially odd, as it is shown over and over again that the precocious maiden is actually much more powerful at Fire Elemenstation than Gavment is. Nevertheless, for reasons that are never fully explained, she feels that she has to persuade Gavment to go save the world again rather than just using the Bag of the Endless Void herself. The second half of the book is even more disturbing, as having successfully motivated Gavment to go fight Yoxor Xxar and his Doomblade, she then goes to motivate Sotar Olderndirt to defeat the War Men amassing at Wang’s Peak. She then falls in love with Sotar, or at least has an affair with him. She’s right there in the room when his death is announced and doesn’t ever stop her annoyingly upbeat dialogue style. Book 5 mentions that Steppy had a daughter from the affair with Sotar, whom she also named Sotara. Sotara Rayling grows up into a fine young woman who falls in love with a professor named Garbus Scrooble. Their son, Profineous, grows up to be the headmaster at Institute Of Accoutermentia. (see Headmaster Scrooble) Her furniliar is Colonel McAllister, a Cloak Rack. Fan Art By Dryope

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By Rhok

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Stoutback

Stoutback is the captain of the Chair Brigade. Despite his gruff demeanor and entirely evil aims, Stoutback is not entirely unreason-able and does not believe in excessive senseless violence. His second in command is Straightleg, and the two of them are responsible for leading the Chair Brigade for a currently unknown force.

Straightleg

Straightleg is the second-in-command of the Chair Brigade, a group of thug-like chairs. Straitleg attempts to do things “by the book,” and is often trying to impose new regulations on the Chair Brigade. Misinter-perting an order to try not to allow excessive wanton violence, Straightleg imposed a kidnapping and beating quota. This led to the capture of Serafina Haberdasheron, but many suspect darker forces were at work that led to her capture, as the coincidence is simply too great.

Sw’ftfl’w River

Sw’ftfl’w River originates near the Grotto of Woe, and has been inexplicably linked to events concerning mines throughout the history of Battal. Beginning with the river’s origins at the rumored first spica mine, the Sw’ftfl’w River flows near the abandoned mines of Valedaleglenhill, first introduced in Book 7. Many considered this a coincidence until it was noted that the river also flows near Apostro-phine sources such as G’nth’l. A sect of river-bound people, named the Sw’ftfl’woots, faithfully row back and forth, day after day, looking for any precious minerals that was their way through the river’s often swift rapids. The river seems to encounter mines, minerals, and gems wherever it flows. Some speculate that the powerful but corrupting power of Vhadxi damned the river when he dammed it, causing it to seek

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precious metals and gems or maybe create them from the very earth it traverses. Much of the wealth of the river is concentrated in the mines it passes or is picked up by the Sw’ftfl’woots, but many maintain that undiscovered veins of rich metals remain in areas beneath or around the river.

Tentacled Ancient Beast Yam-shothog

Tentacled Ancient Beast Yamshothog (aka the Thing What Ate Olde Rivdellshire), perhaps a member of The Eldritch Beings Beyond Comprehen-sion like Tamflaggdrmg of the Multiple Mouth-Eyes, dwells in the highest reaches of the multicosm, where only beings whose single thoughts stretch across aeons do dwell. Her preferred physical form is that of a shelled mollusc with seven tentacles (one for each of the Seven Lost Emotions), which was the inspiration for the Yammie plushie, but the beast may adopt any damn shape she wishes.

It is said that in his youth, the famous Harbinger Portent grappled with Yamshothog (who appeared in the form of a grievous wound on the side of a mid-size mountain), felled one of her tentacles, and released the then-forgotten emotion of “insouciance” upon the world. Yam-shothog then revealed to Harbinger Number 3,895,074 of the Many Secrets, a recipe for a particularly decadent (and, when overcooked, mildly maddening) Bugleberry truffle.

Terle

Terle is in the northern part of The Shield, rather than being a kingdom, it is rather a geographic region. At various times the area was united under a single government that usually gave itself the name Terle (such as during the Rise of the Elemenstors Period), but those governments were quick to come and go. The Terle

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geographic region itself was one of the first to be named in Battal, referring to the eastern regions of The Northern Vale and the northern regions of Atlantistantinople. Terle takes its name from the word “Terr’le” in the Arcane Elvin Language, meaning “windy plains”. The first governmental body to refer to itself as Terle by name was the First United Republic of Terle, founded in year 3,513 (TMSK), which at the time was formed from the northern part of the Ruins of Blee, along with much of what was called Shattered Kelembad. This area that features, as its inhabitants, mostly Terleians. A number of other populations inhabit Terle too, and they are known as Terles. Often Terleians are referred to as Terles, but not always. A popular rhyme goes like this: “A Terle girl will take you for a whirl, but a Sw’ftfl’woot girl will give you the world.” Scholars maintain the rhyme may have changed from its original form, which explains why such a horrible rhyme caught on at all. The Terle region is home to Lol’thoriun, one of the oldest Elvin cities. In later years, its western extent was demarcated by the borders of the The Kingdom of Ezermethalon. In southern Terle during the time of the Rise of the Elemenstors, there is a village named Walnut Grove, which was an entire village of Free Furniliars.

Important Locations in Terle

Cities

• Lol’thoriun

• Trembaloo

• Rof’lhoriun

Villages

• Yalka

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• Pormora

• Walnut Grove

Rivers

• Everflow Stream (more are listed on this wiki than I’ve mentioned here)

The Accursed Lake

Originally a large and profitable spica quarry, in year 3,743 (TMSK) the quarry filled with water after an underground spring was tapped into by the errant miner, Thule Runderkrust. By year 4,020 (TMSK) the body of water had come to be known as The Accursed Lake, the waters were rumored to be infused with some of the properties of spica, and thus were perilous to navigate, let alone consume. The steely courage of the Ferry Men (not to be confused with Fairy Men) of The Accursed Lake, and their skills at raftery, were renowned throughout the twelve realms of Antior. The Unsundered, Harbinger Portent, was one such ferry man for several years as a young man. The lake is just south of the Grotto of Woe, the original spica mine of which the quarry was originally a part.

The Adventures of Isaac and Raven

A CG animation following Isaac Purcheron and Raven Darkblood after their quest as the children of Valedaleglenhill, when Isaac is a manly 20 and Raven is a disturbingly sexy 15-yr-old.

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A series of 5-minute shorts shewn on a Japanese cable station, the series is an ongoing and reasonably well-recieved show (at least judging by the ammount of fan-pornography based on the disturbingly-sexy Raven). The first season is being compiled into 13 25-minute episodes for release on DVD.

Mini Episode Guide

Episode Episode Title

001 Exploring the Forgotten Kingdom

002 Where Once A Desert Bloomed

003 The Witch of the Enchanted Forest

004 Crossing the Great Grasslands

005 The Badger, Encounter with a Band of Theives

006 The Mysterious Vortex and the Valley of the Giants

007 Centaurs, Ride North!

008 The Sorcerer of the Frozen Wastes

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009 Returning Home and Resting

010 Changlings, The Persecuted Tribe

011 The Secret of the King

012 Lizardmen Attack

013 This Armor is Fantastic!

The Allied Troll and Ogre Door Guarders and Footmen Union

A very loose association of the overlarge races, often pressed into service as the “muscle” in the more urban regions of Battal. An initial fee of a goat, and monthly dues of a small amount of silver secure a locker for you in the local Allied Union Hall, as well as access to an Advocate Barrister, employed by the union. An interesting recent trend has been that smaller races have begun joining to take advantage of the lunch discount offered in many shops to members. As a result it is not unusual to see tiny Leprechauns with membership cards, getting cheap soup at the corner deli.

The Ambulatator

The Ambulatator is the strangest of The Eight Elemental Constructs, representing the perverted elemental force of Stream.

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Appearing as a giant agglomeration of living furniture, The Ambu-latator would move through cities and towns, absorbing inanimate furniture to its ever-growing mass. Some theorize that this terrible Construct may have grown to truly epic proportions if it hadn’t been slain during the return of Cubby during the fifth of the seventeen final battles, the Battle of Splinters. The Ambulatator is one of the three Constructs which is actually killed off in the series, the other five are never truly dealt with in the end.

The Ambulatory Dresser that Shouted I at the Heart of the World (世界の中心でアイを叫んだ徒歩の鏡台世界の中心でアイを叫んだ徒歩の鏡台世界の中心でアイを叫んだ徒歩の鏡台世界の中心でアイを叫んだ徒歩の鏡台)

**Super ElamenSTAR FINAL Episode 526 Aired 6th January, 2001**

Summary

The Ocumen’s first plan to destroy Char Reyarteb has failed, instead putting Battal on the way to destruction with no chance to survive or make their time. The Ocumen’s new plan? By using timesorc’ley, he explains, the Four Underdogs can rewind time to before Char’s defeat, avoiding the destruction of the Starborn Gem. But once they’ve done this, they must erase their own memories, otherwise they will simply repeat the same mistake. Instead, the Ocumen will leave clues throughout Battal for the Four to stumble upon, and set them on the right path to separate Char from the Gem, and free Battal from his reign of terror. But the Four must erase all memory of each other and of their past together. They will have to meet again, for the first time, and forge friendships anew. This is most difficult for Lander and Zula, who having finally realized their feelings for each other must now erase them and start all over.

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After confronting their memories and preparing themselves for the road ahead, they join hands, and are launched from the floating fortress back to their homes. As they streak across the sky, magic emniates from them, erasing the memories of all those they encoun-tered. The final few minutes of the series show each of the Four Underdogs back at home, as ordinary people, with a lump of shiny rock they know nothing about. Their lives are back to ordinary, but Zula looks into her rock, and sees the face of Lander. When a tear rolls down her face, she wonders... who that face might be? Back in the Forest of Forevergreen, the magic power rewrites the engraving on the tombstone at The Tomb of the Unknown Familiars to read: “To our friends. While they may be forgotten, their sacrifice never shall be.” But on the floating landscape, Char Reyarteb remains, the Starborn Gem pulsing in his hand. He wonders how he got up here, and why he has a strange sense of foreboding. And floating amongst the Elmether, Aklom Reklats and Harbinger Portent wait for the next time when the Four Underdogs’ gems and the Starborn Gem will again by in synchronicity, and Char will be defeated once and for all.

Notes

The infamous final episode of ElamenSTAR. Up unto this point, the series was a straightforward action series; however, after reaching writer’s block, the director of ElamenSTAR decided to mimic the drinking and pill binge enacted by Tycho Brahe to better understand the creative process he had undergone. After awakening in a filthy alley, he transcribed his visions onto a slate of sheet rock and dragged the slate into the office. With the deadline fast approaching, the low-cost series finale went ahead with zero editing. The Ambulatory Dresser that Shouted I at the Heart of the World mostly consists of the main characters of ElamenSTAR being confronted by the intense psychological problems neither seen before nor mentioned in the rest of the series. As all of the characters communicate only in thought, and the only speaker is off-screen the entire episode, the majority of the series finale consists of the Wizbits

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sitting in a folding chair under a spotlight, staring intently while complaining about their post-traumatic stress disorder, or their rampant kleptophilia, or how much they hated their father. It is assumed that this portion of the episode represents the brainmangle-ment that is part and parcel with the Four Underdogs’ final Elemenstation. The five minutes leading up to the final scenes of the episode received 99% of the budget; the $50 animation has been described as “inducing epileptic seisures in all viewers,” an accurate critique. This portion was intended to represent the reality-warping power of strong telesorc’ley. Despite inducing terrible damage upon viewers (though not as extensively as the original version of Wizbits: The Movie), the episode endeared the series to Richard Jackson, who used The Dreaming Feculence to tie the story into the main ELotH:TES canon.

Comments

I’m not sure which is worse... that this is the ending we got, or that so many people claim it “makes sense” and is really “the pinnacle of the series.” I am a huge fan of ElamenSTAR, and frankly this made me cry. Well, you know, after the seizures. ~Kenneth Pike

I dunno, I still cry when I see the tombstone. I thought it was brilliant. -ErMaC

The Bravery of the Doomed

A poem found in its entirety in Book 3 but quoted throughout the cycle. It is first told by an unnamed person later revealed to be Bendloyer Felkin.

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It concerns the heroics performed by those whose doom is immi-nent, and exalts their condition as being one of Vigorous Aliveness:

Even though we walk in shade, we darest feel no fear, For though we’re damned and walk alone, we’ll give them not a tear. Though swords will cleave and hammers pound, and maces crush and rend, Each stroke of pain will drive us on, until that dismal end That lingers on at end of days, the fate we find alone So praise the high and pass the bolt, we’ll fight them to the bone For though we’re damned and have no hope, we fight much stronger still; Those bastards, they’ll regret the day they fought us to the till.—an unidentified bard, Book 3

The Coast of Exotic Adventure

Also See: Wang Kingdom The many port cities that dot the coast of the northern part of the Wang Kingdom, along the Lie-Ju Sea, are home to tough gangster organizations like the Octads, pirates with cool-looking eyepatches, legendary drunken fighters, not-so-legendary drunken drunks, and, of course, exotic and sensuous prostitutes. These areas include:

Towns/Villages/Seaports

• Miyazaki

Islands

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• Toriyama

• Otoomo

The Dank

The Dank is a homely and quaint stretch of swampland inhabited by the peaceful Tribbits of the Luskfish Clan (although their jealous sister clan, the Slugdush, insist that the swamp is really more of a bog). Here in this tranquil setting the Tribbits live simple lives as Mucksuckers, scraping goop from the backs of grateful Dooblegnards. The Dank has the honor of being the first setting explored in Book 1 of Brahe’s masterful Elemenstors Saga as it is the original home of Horatio of the Luskfish, and the place of his corruption by Bibee the Pixlie. The Dank is located in the central lands of the ancient kingdom of Ithbarg. Generally looked down upon, it is a common saying in Battal, “Nothing good comes from The Dank.”

The Dunce Cap of Shame

This cap looks so horrifyingly much like a fart that it brings shame to all who wear it. Mentioned in passing in Book 12

The Dyecast Nine

The Figurines

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Originally an add-on to the pnp-rpg, the dyecast figurines were meant as a supplementary consumer gouging technique. The figurines added nothing to the game play, and subsequent attempts to market them failed.

The Story

The Unsung Story of The Dyecast Nine was created as a spinoff story relating to the ELotH: TES - Pen and Paper RPG add-ons. Written online by Tycho Brahe, the Choose your own Adventure style story follows the adventures of the metalic group as they forge their way to defeat a Burnanitor that has ravaged a small village in The Sickle region of Battal. A fun read if you can find it.

The Eight Elemental Con-structs

The Eight Elemental Constructs were terrible, epic creatures created by the Dark Elemenstors during the Hierarch Wars. They all represented a twisted version of one of the eight elements, and were unleashed upon the world to wreak havoc, and herald the return of Char Reyarteb. Each of these terrible elemental creations had their own unique personality and abilities, and harried the heroes throughout the final books of the series. Strangely, only three of them (The Ambulatator, Black Flame and, ironically, Skullmar) are ever slain in the actual book series, during the epic seventeen final battles at the end of Book 12.

• Colossius, Construct of Earth

• Spiral Doom, Construct of Air

• Glacios, Construct of Water and Ice

• Black Flame, Construct of Fire

• Vile Worm, Construct of Life

• Skullmar, Construct of Death

• The Ambulatator, Construct of Stream

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• Lift Maiden, Construct of Carry

The Four Vales

It is thought that The Four Vales were an alternative ur-formation of the four elements that are known to consitute reality in Battal. The exact constitution of the Vales is unknown, and so various formula-tions, all interchangeable, are used. The most popular formulation of the Vales is: Vale of Farth, Vale of Wir, Vale of Airth, and Vale of Eir.

Nature of the Vales

It is not known if the four vales were each a literal valley in some sort of unformed proto-battal, or if they were each (as is widely sus-pected) pocket dimensions which are referred to as vales in a merely figurative sense. The first mention of The Four Vales occurs in the Weighty Tome of Elemenstor, which it is said will be available in its entirety in paperback by 2008. Even a cursory perusal of the much-disputed first seven verses of the Tome, which can be assembled from various references throughout the series, gives a sense of the disturbing vagaries that surround The Vales:

1 The Ununlight could hold itself no more ... in lichtless stupor it rumbled a rumble that preceded the capacity to grumble. A chanting disambiguation before speech: Ex Nihiloooom Disembruglioooom!

2 From whence an effulgence of effulgences, of teeth and gnashing eyes, of gorpwracked darmscapes and forbidden corpuscles emerged: Teh Word.

3 A hence forth, the first of the four hences, emerged from a nap.

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Whence Teh Word was spoken, henceforth a speaker unfathoms its emergences: Prepare darkstorm, pre-grumbled lichtless stupor, The Hierarchs are spoken.

4 And in the speaking from whence the Hierarchs circumpredicated their existence, were the first Words of immortal beings “Behold the Four Vales, for verily they art pleasing/havst been pleasing/willst be pleasing to Ourselves.”

5 Yet the spark which they spoke knew not its light, nor could its flow congeal. Rind and husk and quills and rust, the musk of vap’rous shipwreck ales. Proclaim all vales for Furnishings! Proclaim all vales for Kryatures! Proclaim all vales for sacred Sjkarblae! Proclaim all vales for...

6 But what of their transmorph residues? In the interminable intermixing, the endless length of nought, lethargic loneliness was lapped in overlapping slop: the listless sleeping of the bottom, the exhausted muscles of the top.

7 Dismaying at their illgrown gains, exhausted and krill, sloppy and wroth, the Hierarchs intoned “Verily, the Vales of the non-Furniture most assuredly hav’st made themselves unholy Shitholes of despair and melancholia.” (Elemenstors 1:1-7)

So long as an understanding of the Vales was restricted to textual interpretation, the nature of The Four Vales was long deemed an object of idle speculation or a justification for wars based on dogmatic conceptions of the Vales. Some headway has been made in understanding them by Chronosorcellors associated with the Chronoclave making use of Oraculation. Each vale was home to one of the four Most Discerning Races, the first races in the Elmether. The Darkstorm, however, transformed the Vales from their primordial, promethean state into clearly defined elements,

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and scattered the four races throughout time and space. Traces of the Vales’ previous admixture are still experienced as hiccups in the practice of Elemenstation; thus, Elemenstors can often be heard mumbling, “What the Farth!” after the fizzling of a difficult trans-morgification. There is some confusion surrounding The Four Vales. The Four Vales of ELotH:TES are sometimes confused with The Four Vales of The Elspinster Saga, which freely plagiarized from and bastardized key concepts and terms in ELotH:TES.

The Fourteenth Manuscript

A prevalent rumor in Elemenstor fandom is the existence of a fourteenth book in the Elemenstor Saga to be published one year and one day following the death of Tycho Brahe. Colloquially it is termed “The Fourteenth Manuscript”. Written in simple, flowing script by Brahe, it is said to bring the Cycle to a satisfactory close by tying together every narrative thread from every work in the Elemenstor Universe, including the fan fiction. Though there is no official word on the existence of such a manuscript, neither Brahe nor Realm-worlds Publishing have denied such a manuscript’s existence. At least three employees of Realmworlds were lathed to death during one of the few confirmed abductions carried out by the Dark Fourteen. Any information gathered during the interrogations has not been shared with the community, which has led to a certain amount of bad feeling. The only evidence for its existence, a passing mention of “the final papers” in Brahe’s divorce negotiation, is unclear and circum-stantial at best. Rumors of it’s contents fall into two catagories. The first is derived by prescience based on previous texts and Aristolian aesthetics. This prediction dictates that it is said to take place in the Year 40,000 (UPDATE: It would appear that the year 40,000 is copyrighted already, so I guess TB is going to have to think of a new one.) and to culminate in a no-holds-barred epic duel between Char Reyarteb and Harbinger Portent atop a fiery volcano at the heart of The Starborn Gem for the Fate of All Existence. Horatio the Tribbit (the main character from Book 1) is rumored to be the narrator.

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The second set of rumors claims that some anonymous fan hired a ninja who sucessfully managed to produce microfilm with the document’s pages on it. This reported copy tells that a new epic conflict where the Hierarchs attempt to recreate the world through another Darkstorm. The High Elemenstors attempt to stop this by awakening Aklom Reklats to his true power. After a battle halfway though the book in which Ronard the Medium leads humanity, all Battal’s living heros, and even many back from the grave; against the minions of the Hierarchs. The battle rips the very fabric of the universe to shreds. The second half of the book takes place in the scattered shards of reality suspended in a sea of un-time. The events in the reality shards involve the higher elemenstors, the Chronoclave and even the seemingly lost littleosophers and lead to the creaton of timesorc’ley, the eulithian resonance vector, and even possibly the Hierarchs. All we fans can do is hope to live long lives so as to see the eventual publication of “The Fourteenth Manuscript”. -On the other hand, there is a faster way to find out...- The faster way is by no way advocated by this wiki. See also: Dark Fourteen

The Gouth

The Gouth are a tall and imposing race, often sought after as mercenaries. They inhabit the Plane of Brooding Melancholia. However, the Gouth vastly prefer poetry and making tiny gew-gaws to warfare. Those wishing to enlist the Gouth in their conflicts must appeal to their finer natures with performances of extemporaneous poetry and gifts of beads, wire, and other gew-gaw-making materials. One must always remain exceedingly polite, as well—the Gouth are sticklers for manners. The Gouth language has over thirty modes of polite address, which of which being determined by the relative rank of one’s adressee and the ambient temperature (minus windchill). The Gouth are not to be confused with the Ungouth, who were Gouth corrupted by Char Reyarteb to serve as his personal guard. They are incredibly fiesty and prone to conflict. They are also exceedingly

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rude, and impossible to assemble into a fighting force without half of them killing the other half.

The Great War of the Warlords

The Great War of the Warlords, also known as the War where Warriors Warred, occured between 13534 and 13556 (TU). Few details of the actual war survive, except all of these: Elvern Thrice Impaled, Dorak Quill-In-Eye, Narlon of the Eighteen Oozing Wounds, and Marat Eater of Undercooked Fish argued over the way to split the bill at a small restaurant in Quilpopolis. Narlon had paid for his portions in Richards, the currency from his area, and apparently the unfavorable exchange rate led to Narlon paying less than his portion. Bloodshed ensued. After years of bloody battle in which bloody battles were battled, Harmak the Horny, an elder among the Quilp, was asked to mediate. Harmak and Magasus Silver Spatula, the leader of the Warrior Chefs of Battal, negotiated for weeks just to discover the source of the original grievance. They succeeded where others had failed because Quilp are excellent listeners, because most are blind, having lost their sight in various Quilder related accidents. This makes them good negotiators, but horrible at picking paint. Harmak, for instance, chose a color called “Gravalakurtamania” for his ante chamber, and human visitors for years clawed out their eyes in madness rather than gaze upon it. Not much is known of Magasus except that it is likely that he forged the Rusted Spoon of Discontent. Harmak, once he understood the dispute was about money, was greatly moved. Taking Quilder from his own back, he distributed them to each of the warlords, except for Marat, who was ill, having eaten an undercooked Fishy Trout the night before, and was unable to attend the negotiations that morning. The Warlords were simultane-ously delighted to be given Quilder worth far more than the amount in dispute, and horrified by the accidents that befell each as they traveled home. Marat later became a great warlord, though much poorer than the estates of the other warlords.

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The Heirarch Wars: The Hid-den And Very Dangerous Wars

Summary

This muddled and largely illegible offering purports to describe a secret war that occurred somewhat earlier than the better-known Hierarch Wars described in Book 10.

Timeline

Unknown - presumably set after Book 7 due to events set in and around the corpse of the Tentacled Ancient Beast Yamshothog.

The Horseless Nomads of the Chasm

Their war is unsung, their nation fully unknown. And yet, they fit in to the story of one of the most unspeakable locations in all of Battal. They are the Horseless Nomads of the Chasm. (Also the title of the story in which they feature, in Book 13 and a Half.) While their nomadic nation is unnamed, their battle, the Million Year War, is well-known, if only for its hilarious futility and its ending in the creation of an unspeakable scar on the face of Battal. It started, aptly enough, over a conflict involving horses. Or rather, a lack of horses. The Horseless Nomads of the Chasm followed a religion known as Fgsfds (pronounced fahquads). One of its most vital tenants is that of Horsemanshipry, the idea that the blessed people must make their way to the holy lands via the horse, most sacred of the “filthy hooved monsters”. There is a laundry list of mild-to-servere emotional

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disorders expressed within Fgsfds. Anyhow, the gist of it is, the Horseless Nomads need horses to do their ‘do, and they happened to come from a nation referred to only as The Place What Contains Many Things, But Notably, Not Horses. Thus did the Horseless Nomads march out and kick some ass. Or rather, that was the mission statement; the opposing nation, We Got Horses, You Wanna Fight About It?, had horses, and thus cavalry, and thus big, nasty, calvary-mounted weapons. The only advantage they had over their opposition was in the realm of Sorcery, for they packed so many sorcerers they scarce knew what to do with them. Thus did it go, in a series of hot hot sorcerer-on-calvary action, for a thousand years. The combat was somewhat poorly planned on both sides, though, as the combat went down in a narrow cavern (really, more of a chasm) where cavalry went relentlessly forward and sorcerous attacks blasted friend and foe alike. Needless to say, the dead piled up and fast. Eventually, the Horseless Nomads found another thing they were better at than the We Got Horses nation—namely, full-blown Elemenstation, and quickly mastered a series of gears revolving around the creation and control of hate spirits. Their advantage was held for all of two weeks before the other side learned how to create hate spirits as well, especially the king, who found himself good at doing so. Hate spirits filled the skies, earth, under the abortive rivers within the chasm... really, if it could be filled with things, it was s tuffed to the gills with hate spirits. Eventually the hate reached critical mass, creating an emotion-spirit implosion which, in turn, burthed the Chasm of Eternal Sorrow. Both sides were wiped out in the resulting garish explosion. The last-known words of the king, moments before being consumed in the explosion, were, “How did I get to such an unspeakable position with lulz, only lulz, as my guide?” These haunting final words began dual traditions of blaming horrible events on a want for schadenfreude and paraphrasing the man whose final words somehow survived even when everybody within a 50-mile radius of him did not.

“All in all, a pretty decent apocalyptic war leading to the creation of a horror that plagues our world even to this day. I give it six out of ten stars.” - Anonymous historian

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Much of the story is relayed in Evolution of Eternal Sorrow.

The Kingdom of Parsonya.

The Kingdom of Parsonya is one of the Twelve Realms of Antior, and lies near the southern horn of The Shield just north of Chasm of Eternal Sorrow. This unenviable proximity to such an evil and forboding place has influenced the character of the entire land. The residents of Parsonya are palid, somber, and morose to a man. There is an unusually high percentage of those who choose professions such as mortician, undertaker, and banker among the Parsonyans. This is why Low Elemenstor Rosinquist is quoted as saying, “Cheer up lads! you look like you’ve just been to Parsonya.” The similarly morose Invisigoths dwelled near the northern border of Parsonya, but were not consid-ered subjects of the Kingdom. In the middle of the kingom is the capitol city of Parsonya is the city-castle DragonBone, which is connected to the port city of BashRock by The Long Road, a fortified passage of transit with high 12 Blarn fences passing on either side, the entire length of fence topped with living RazorVine. The only place to stop and take lodging or refreshment along the road is a gift shop, inn, trinket shop named Oblivion. During the reign of Wraith-like Lord Greylord, later known “The Thousand Year King”, The Kingdom of Parsonya fell to Vhadxi during the Vampyric Wars in the year 924. Reestablished in year 10,933 under the reign of the wise King Goodlycooper, Parsonya is home to the Grimm Elemenstati Akademia, a renowned boarding school for children with promising talent in Elemenstation. The Wizbits passed through the Kingdom of Parsonya in Season II: Ep. 29, where they met Marcus, the kindly undertaker, who helped them to escape from Garver Crypt in just the nick of time.

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In Southern Parsonya is the Dead Lands, a dry and rocky expanse which, during unsundered periods, is the easiest crossing to scoot around the southern tip of the mountains range containing Mount Wor (anybody know the name of this range?) and get to The Sickle by land. Also found in this kingdom is the Black Forest of Much Blackness.

The Kingdom of Yymp.

The Kingdom of Yymp is one of the Twelve Realms of Antior, and lies on the west coast of The Shield. Its territory begins just south of a long mountain range known in Yymp as the Beutrafficades, extends east to the Ap’str’ph’ Mountains and extends west to its barbarous coast along the Unnamed Sea. The Kingdom of Yymp fell during the Vampyric Wars in the year 942, after the assasination of the final in a long line of increasingly ineffectual Ruling Steward Earls, the worst of which being The Steward Earl Stewart Earle Steward, the Earle of Steward The southern lands of Yymp were dominated by a great Mist Sea from which rose majestic plateaus like lonely islands in the fog. The wide misted planes were all but inhabitable, as the fumes in the fogs were said to drive man and beast alike to madness. Therefore the populations atop the plateaus lived a scattered, solitairy agrarian life among wheat fields blowing in the wind and livestock stabled in simply constructed barns. After the events of the Tales of Yorn, which culminate in year 18,526 (TLFotUM), the Mist Sea disapated and the rocky and barren grey plains of Yymp slowly changed to grasslands. These grasslands were known to be home to tribes of nomadic minotaur. Also, in southern Yymp, the Dwimelvan’tesal make their home. Living among the humans, but apart from them on the Great Plateaus are the Grottolings, masters of the primal Shamanic Elemenstation.

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Northern Yymp is the location of some of the most productive salt mines in Battal.

Cities of Yymp

• Northern Crag

• Exfentia Discussion

The Steward Earl Stewart Earle Steward, the Earle of Steward is one of my personal favorite anti-heroes. Especially the bit about his bumbling affairs with the giantesses. -ewige

The Knack

A term for the talent, ability, or indescribable essence required to become an Elemenstor. Since no one knows what the Knack really is, no one can accurately predict who will become an Elemenstor; a potential Elemenstor can be of any age, sex, race, upbringing, physical type, inclination, or even species (although most people believe “too clever by half” to be a required attribute). Signs of the Knack usually surface in early childhood, though some “late bloomers” have been known to develop the Knack well into their middle age, to the derision and mockery of their peers. Such signs are subtle and complex, though all doubts are dispelled when the future Elemenstor “finds”* their first glowing shard of Rubian. *Most scholars agree that it is the Rubian which actually finds the Elemenstor, an effect they describe as “totally creepy”. ”The Knack” is also a somewhat sub-standard balladeer group from Rivdellshire. Knowing who will be able to have the talent for Elemenstation and

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who will not is known as a particularly difficult tasks. Harbinger Portent was known to have this ability, but it is actually unusual among powerful Elemenstors. Instead there is a particular method that is most often employed which involves the use of Knack Spotting Children.

The Land of Thrown Fish

The Land of Thrown Fish has a unique and interesting tale surrounding it. Its origin, culture, and traditions all make it quite a rare state indeed. The culture came to an unfortunate end in year 999, when it fell during the Vampyric Wars, taking its various unique species with it. Some of their weapons survived unintentionally, such as with the War Men’s “stab axe” (korungshokurung’o). One of the major industries was fish husbandry, and many unique breeds of fish were found here and no where else. The name of the kingdom was based on a play off of two of the most prominent species; those being the Throne Fish and the Dart Fish. The land is named for its unique methood of warfare, which involved throwing throne fish and dart fish at the enemy and watching them be annihilated, and cleaning up the remains with their War Pokeys, which are two-pronged spears used to inflict shallow wounds on the sides of the necks of their enemies. The people of the Land of Thrown Fish prided themselves on eating some of the deadliest fish to ever swim the seas of Battal, and their army’s main weapon was the very killing implement used on their deadly fishes. Their civilization’s food sources, weapons, and nomenclature were criticized by some on several grounds:

• The Harmless Pillowminnow was the tastiest fish throughout the land, bred by the millions, and wasn’t a relentless killing machine.

• The average throne fish was primarily composed of scale, bile bladders, and residual hate, and tasted something like a greasy shingle filled with spoiled milk.

• The dart fish were mostly tendon, muscle dense enough to pull wagons, and spike-covered “bio bolts”.

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• Weapons designed to deal shallow injuries on the side of the neck aren’t the most efficient weapons when one’s enemies whale on one with an axe, sword, or screaming ball of hell-fire.

• That “Thrown Fish” and “Throne Fish” sounded way too much alike and led to deadly mix-ups.

The very northern most area of The Land of Thrown Fish eventually became known as the Arcane Northern Realms, but all the unique fish related culture died with the kingdom.

Government

From its founding in year 3 until its ultimate destruction in year 999, the Land was ruled by a line of brutal warlord kings, of which there were ten in total. In the uncertain land where color and shape was rarely what it seemed and the weather changed less frequently than the pantheon, the warlord kings strong stabalizing influences were what kept the society cohesive through its existance. Each warlord ruled from his own stronghold, so although a formal capital city did exist, it was never actually the seat of power for the kingdom. As a result, no clear historical record of its exact location exists. The first warlard was trained ichtheologist Ogema Blood-On-His-Boots, who fell into warlording quite by accident when he found he had a knack for it.

The Warlord Kings

• Ogema Blood-On-His-Boots

• Inego Sword-So-Sharp

• Tjelok Fell-On-A-Pike (his reign was short)

• Caalrige Slice-of-Cold-Justice

• Ela Just-A-Girl

• Akzann Snow-Under-His-Feet

• Yokkle Let-Them-Sleep

• Tometog Escaped-the-Great-Fire

• Calt Deals-Deadly-Dartfish

• Sud Cape-On-Backwards

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Children in Ezermethalon who need to learn the names of the warlord kings in school have this rhyme they use to remember the first initials of each of the kings: “Out Into The Cool Evening A Yellow Troll Casually Strolled.”

Geography

The Land of Thrown Fish is more famous for its fish than its land, but its land is peculiar as well, in that it changes color from black-and-white-squares to a brightly glowing pink that oddly displays the markings of a large map upon it. Coupled with its unique variations on the fish, the Land of Thrown Fish is a locale whose features are half-shouted/crooned to Morlond’s Field residents in attempts to scare them into being good little children. It often works. If it doesn’t, a field trip to the borders of the Land of the Thrown Fish sets them up but good. Adding to the general confusion, twenty miles Southwest of the capital city (or what documentarians believe to be the general area where the city is located), a series of clouds sits on the ground, vociferously refusing to fly. It should be noted that the clouds eventualy left after the throne and dart fish died out, thus leading many historians to believe the clouds were protesting the existence of the fish.

A Possible Origin

It has been put forth that such an unusual land could not have naturally come about and that the land was the magical realization of a fever induced dream. Originally posited by the Smug Ape upon arriving at the aftermath of Dogus Brankorking’s first Poison Foe Mispelling, this clammy, piscean environ was later made a reality by the Wasted Elemenstor’s fevered dreams. Those same fevered dreams were brought on by a latter uncasting of the spell which backfired upon Brankorking, an event which Tycho Brahe revealed he cleverly adapted from a critical fumble rolled during the gaming session upon which that particular chapter was based.

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While Dogus Brankorking is listed as having been 90 at the time of his death in 23,344, The Land of Thrown Fish is listed as one of the twelve realms, which according to The Magic Sword Kings Period, existed between 0 - 9,473. Was the miscast spell-induced dream so powerful as to create a realm some 23,000 years in the past? Or did Dogus travel to the future?

It has been posited by the Finnish Elemenstor Society that TLoTF is itself a rift in the space-time of Battal, but personally, I think it’s the inconsistency one expects from the ramblings of a depraved methadone-induced fit. -ewige

The Longest Moment

The Rise and Fall of Minuschitae Medianary 26th, 9473, 4:35:00 PM BUST- 4:35:13 PM

Timeline Events

• Medianary 26th, 9473, 4:35:00 PM - Frand Burgrove drools in his sleep. A globule of his spittle combines with the exist-ing detritus upon a hair of his pillow (which was in fact a dead badger) and The Kingdom of Minuschitae is thus created.

• Medianary 26th, 9473, 4:35:07 PM - The 508th King of Minuschitae dies while eating his soup, bringing an end to the direct line of god-kings and signalling the start of the Great War of Minuschitae.

• Medianary 26th, 9473, 4:35:08 PM - The Great War of Minuschitae comes to an end with the Slaughter of the Micronic Plains and the ascent of the Littleosopher-Kings, ushering in a 2 second golden age of peace.

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• Medianary 26th, 9473. 4:35:10 PM - Ronard’s Very Large But Unenchanted Spikey Hammer disapears from Battal and reap-pears in Minuschitae, causing great unrest and excitement throughout the land.

• Medianary 26th, 9473, 4:35:12 PM - Burgrove begins to sigh, signaling the beginning of The Minupalypse.

• Medianary 26th, 9473, 4:35:13 PM - Yar the Sorcerial enchants Ronard’s Very Large But Unenchanted Spikey Hammer, thus cre-ating a portal back to Battal and releasing a tremendous wave of magical forces resulting in his own birth. Yar and Vaxin the Tiny are the only ones to escape Minuschitae be-fore the Minupalypse.

Overview

Introduction

This age, described in an epic poem Tycho Brahe (See The Rise and Fall of Minuschitae) allegedly wrote while taking severe allergy relief medications, descibes the effects that a brief sigh, given off by a napping Frand Burgrove, has on Minuschitae, a kingdom contained within a hair on Frand’s pillow. In this painstaking description of the unspeakable horror and inevitable destruction of the once peaceful kingdom, The Sundering is foreshadowed, and Vaxin the Tiny is introduced.

The Dwarfball Match and the Undoing of Fonard

The Longest Moment also coincided with the day of a very heated battle between the goggle wearing Dwarves of Hurlia and the forces of the Magic Sword Kingdom (led by Fonard, heir of Ronard). The Magic Sword Kingdom was victorious and took well over three prisoners of war who were, of course, consigned to their fate as dwarfball equip-ment. As was customary, those with hats were allowed to keep those hats. Unbeknownst to their captors however, one of the prisoners (Laminian the Wicked, leader of the Pickled Dwarves regiment) wore The Enchanted Enchanter’s Hat of Enchanted Enchanting, which would

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swallow any weapons used against the wearer, and return them enchanted somehow. The stage was set thus for Fonard’s undoing, and at exactly 4:35 that day, as he swung Ronard’s Very Large But Unenchanted Spikey Hammer to strike the dwarfball, it for one moment disappeared from the world altogether. It was also at precisely this moment that Fonard was struck mortally from behind by a team-mate’s misplaced hammer swing. The Pickled Dwarves had also chosen this exact moment to launch a vicious counter-attack against the Magic Sword Kings, which would have been doomed were it not for the concurrent loss of both Fonard and Ronard’s Very Large But Unenchanted Spikey Hammer. Fonard never recovered from the blow, and while his hammer was returned, it had become the much less impressive Ronard’s Very Large Enchanted Spikey Hammer. Fonard died two weeks later, and the kingdom, for over 33 hours, was caught up in Fonard’s 37 sons fighting to the death for his Crown. Julipon, the eventual victor, survived by curling up into a ball, as the last of his brothers died of exaustion. Historians look upon the moment that Fonard was struck down as the beginning of the fall of the Magic Sword Kings and the line of King Ronard.

Yar the Sorcerial and Ronard’s Very Large But Unenchanted Spikey Ham-mer

It was also at this exact moment that Yar the Sorcerial burst, cloaked in flame, from his mother’s womb. Even in Battal this was considered a very strange birthing process and drew quite some attention. Few were surprised when Yar grew up to be a person of some import. Of course, these two event occurring at once was was neither incidental or coincidental. As Laminian’s The Enchanted Enchanter’s Hat of Enchanted Enchanting sent Ronard’s Very Large But Unenchanted Spikey Hammer to Minuschitae until such time as it would become enchanted. This was orchestrated by Yar, who used the Hammer in

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his telesorc’ley and timesorc’ley to enter and exit the tiny kingdom, thus setting off tremors in spacenes and timenes resulting in his own birth.

The Machine

The Machine is a troupe of radical poets intent on eliminating all of the various forms of address in Gouth culture, replacing them with the equivalent of “Hey Boy”. Mentioned in Book 11.

The Mighty and Merciless Magical Monkey King Staff

The Mighty and Merciless Magical Monkey King Staff is a much debated phrase in ELotH:TES lore: Book 2 mentions it in connection with the Dark Doomblade of Magical Overarching Darkness. However, due to the ambiguity of the phrase, its meaning is the point of great debate among fans. The reference on-page goes as follows:

The blade gleamed with the gleam of something vile, the skulls, roses, dragons, cute mice, and other regalia of horror glinting. Its power was palpable, pallatable—a weapon wihout peer. Only the Mighty and Merciless Magical Monkey King Staff could have inspired more dread in Horatio.

It is unknown whether the object in question is, in fact, The Staff of the Mighty and Merciless Magical Monkey King (a nebulous entity alluded to in Book 4, when Sotar Olderndirt speaks with the elder of the Sssksse-nek), or if it refers to The Mighty and Merciless King Staff of the Magical

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Monkey (Magical Monkeys being finicky trickster beings imbued with the element of Stream). Alternatively, some claim it to be a typo for The Mighty and Merciless Magic Almon Keykingstaff, a particularly nasty Dark Spirit, on par in terms of power with the Tyrant of Otherhood. He is introduced in an offhand comment by Ronard the Medium in Book 12:

Ronald snorted, flicking an unruly lock of hair from his fair face. “That,” he said with disdain dripping from his voice, “Is something that mothers should not use to scare their children to bed. He takes such usage of his name quite personally.”

I’m sure I missed one or two other claims to the meaning of this phrase. I keep hearing about a “Furny interpretation”, but I’m not sure if I even want to know... kmr

The Parchment Cylinder

Also See: Cardboard Tube Samurai Origins The Parchment Cylinder appears in books Four, Seven and Twelve of the Cycle, seemingly called upon as and when needed. Appearance The art that appeared on the Parchment Cyl card in the WEB-CCG showed it as a rolled up cylinder of parchment, though as many of the CCG images differed wildly from the descriptions in the novels it can hardly be taken as a definitive description and seems more in keeping with The Cardboard Tube of Unusual Sharpness and Popularity, which has never appeared in the CCG.

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Attributes The strength of this apparantly magical weapon varies each time: sometimes it is able to cleave an Evilnor in half, while later in the Cycle it merely gives Ekezenthal a rash. Whether this changing strength is part of the Cylinder’s nature, or perhaps due to the powers or thoughts of the caster, or even just caused by lazy writing, is never adequately explained. In fact, aside from being mentioned the four times it is used (twice in Book 7) the Cylinder is not mentioned at all. Theories and Web Site Many theories abound in fan fiction and on discussion boards, including one popular theory that the parchment cylinder is actually The Cardboard Tube of Unusual Sharpness and Popularity, however the in Book 12 the Cylinder is used while P’km’n the Hungry is wielding The Tube. Some have therefore theorised that the Cylinder is the original weapon from the stories which inspired Gragnakas to create the Tube; this would explain its apparant magical ability to appear when needed, though not the lack of any kind of explanation in the text. It is also speculated by many that the Cylinder and the Cardboard Tube are one and the same weapon; it is never explicitly stated but evidence points in that direction. A popular - and rather speculative - fan site used to be located at parchment-cylinder.org, though that site closed in October 2004. (See also Cylinder and Tube Theories)

The Resundering

Like The Sundering, except slightly different. Not to be confused with The Reunsundering, oh Lord no. Unlike the original sundering, The Sickle was merely shifted a few hundred feet away from The Shield. None the less, this upheaval set the stage for the world rending earthquake of 26,780. The resulting gap filled with waters from the western seas and created the Notapuppet Channel, over which the long and sturdy wooden Ronard Bridge passes, connecting the port city of BashRock in The Kingdom of Parsonya to the Land of Baz in The Sickle. This bridge makes

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an appearance in The Journey of Wolfgang Apprentice Archibald Almalastor had a significant involvement in bringing The Resundering about; further details can be found on his page.

The Rise and Fall of Minuschi-tae: The Longest Moment

An epic poem by Tycho Brahe detailing the happenings of the Kingdom of Minuschitae during The Longest Moment. Ambitious and psychedelic, the poem’s form maintained a blend of iambic pentameter, sonnet, and haiku combined with random punctuation (although Brahe did not restrict himself to following all the rules of all these forms at all times). To maintain the ryhme scheme Tycho began -making words up- adding to the ELotH:TES lexicon, for which he added new words later to ryhme with those. This resulted in an exponentially increasing quantity of new words. Experts speculate that as many as 10 new languages were created in the writting of this one poem alone. Brahe intended this poem to be a full entry in The Elemenstor Cycle, likely taking the place of Book 5, but his publishers rejected it, relegating it instead to a 320 page appendix to The Temptations of the Bix the End Table, and other tales.

Excerpts

Introduction: Of the Ur-Formation of Minuschi-tae 1. First,, Minuschitae! 2. Was not—and then? next it was 3. Thanks to Minuthrim;

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4. Thus the blordinae) 5. Of the land, tiny. and fawes 6. Did greatly please: Him 7. Be that as it may: 8. Dark and frumptious things would cause?!. 9. Events blorg and glim(

Chapter 1, verse 8, intrasignet 2 1. An lo upon brow 2. Heav’d ‘pon sleep’s dark distant shores 3. A kingdom’s lone frow. 4. Besotted on boars 5. Crowned toiling minuschitae 6. A life’s work sans goors. 7. Set to labor now 8. The little one works her chores 9. To hirol her plough.

Does anyone remember exactly what iambic-haiku sonnet form is? I believe it is as follows. Intrasignet 1: abc abc abc ddd Intrasignet 2: efe ghg ifi jhj. Please correct me if I’m wrong.

Intrasignet 2 is always this: efe fgf hfh

The Rise of the Elemenstors

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The Rising went largely unnoticed by the general populace. It was only many years after the fact that historians recognized that there was a Rising at all. Schoolchildren of Battal dread the teaching of this topic to the day. It is also worth noting that during this era the MLB was created

The Rubion Sword, The Blade of Zonard

A rare and immensely huge and big and gigantic gigaweapon (seriously, it’s freaking big), the Rubion Sword was instrumental in the defeat of rather brief and very little-known Darkrobodwarvian Uprising by Zonard the Sunderer, the last of the Magic Sword Kings. After striking their leader Testiscisum down most mightyfully, Zonard proclaimed: “This is for better days. Let’s go bowling.” The Sword was then cast into Oblivion, or so it was thought... It has been said that only the root of the Viagrium shrub can make a man überhard enough to hold the mighty blade aloft, but it’s actually optional. This sword plays a critical role in Book 3, the book whose title bears the name of this sword.

The Satchel

The Satchel appears in every one of the original novellas, starting with Book 3, in which it’s lying on the ground next to a burning dwarf. It’s usually described in passing, just before an epic battle, which has led some to speculate that it’s some sort of prophet of doom.

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Others hypothesize that it’s not always the same Satchel, but one of several placed around the world by a wizard for purposes of his own. Still others suspect that it’s a result of the author pasting in the same descriptions every time he needs background for a scene. In Book 6, the Satchel was revealed to hold a variety of tasty nuts and fruits. Whether or not the Satchel appears in The Wizbits has, of course, been the subject of much debate. Some feel positive that the brown blob in the lower right of Minute 13 of Episode 0109 (“The Trouble with Tubas”) was the Satchel, while others maintain that it was probably just a dog. A scan of the coloring book, alleging to show the Satchel, was later shown to be a case of wishful coloring. The Satchel is not to be confused with The Sickle.

The Savage Brutality of the War Men

It is during this time that the now immortal Char Reyarteb – with the Starborn Gem and his legions of subterranean War Men unleashed by The Sundering – sets out to conquer the reformed world of Battal. At the same time, Gr’z’tok, Blood-Bearded Lord of Overrulers and High Chief of the Highland Valleys, took up his fearsome axe Mortalkill and assembled his fearsome legion of Higgerath the to do battle against the forest dwelling Arkleaf settlement, which then split into The Four Factions to preserve itself. The Cohoris tribe was the only of the four to survive the Siege of Arkleaf. The Higgerath barbarians utterly ravaged Arkleaf for fifty years. The wood-archers of Arkleaf tried in vain to restrain them with arrows of shot-flight, against which the Higgerath forces could do little. The conflict raged on between them and their children and their children’s children and their children’s children’s children. And possibly their children too, though that’s somewhat of a gray area. Gr’z’tok was defeated when Phyllana, High Priestess of Arkleaf, managed to disguise herself in the form of a falconhawk in order to

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sneak into the most insurmountable pinnacle of Gr’z’tok’s lair at Lowtower. She then summoned the aggregate power of seven hundred and seventy-seven Spirits of Channeling to focus untold energy into her Soul Crystal, allowing her to become “one with the tower.” She then destroyed herself in a tremendous act of self-destruction.

The Shield

The Shield refers to the largest of the continents that separated in The Sundering, rejoined in The Unsundering, and re-sundered in The Resundering.

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Locations

By far the smallest of the two Sundered continents, and location of the Tides of Epic Conflict Saga, The Sickle is dominated by two parallel mountain ranges (The Ultracraggoths and The Smoos) that divide the continent into the Eastrenn Coast region, the Westrenn Coast region and the Long Valley between. Both ranges descend into peninsulas that extend into the southern ocean.

The seond most fertile and prosperous region of The Sickle is the Bay of Cream on the northeastern coast. The first is the Alfan plateau in the middle of Mont Skyfinger, a poorly-named valley, which runs between the Ultracraggoths and the Smoos. Before The Unsundering, The Sickle is primarily a world of eldritch treachery and epic intrigue. Apparently the knowledge of The Sundering was lost in The Sickle by the year 11,384. The Tides of Epic Conflict Saga takes place entirely in The Sickle during this period, and at no time is The Shield mentioned by any characters. Following the

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disasterous and possibly misnamed Pax Hyacinth, The Sickle is eventually rejoined to The Shield at the culmination of The Unsundering by longtime Shield resident Harbinger Portent. By 17,909, The Sickle had settled down, as the residents were completely without guile and were extremely easily tricked over and over again by Char Reyarteb during his conquering period during the Century of Fire. What happened to all the eldritch intrigue in the intervening period is anyone’s guess. Maybe they just got tired of all the people poisoned by Lord Hopebane during the Epic Conflicts period. Also, the Dellberry can only be found in the lower left corner of the mountains on this continent.

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The Steward Earl Stewart Earle Steward, the Earle of Steward

The Steward Earl Stewart Earle Steward Earle of Steward can refer to several different people: Steward Earl Stewart-Earle, Steward to the Earle of Steward The Steward Earl Stewart Earle Steward, the Earle of Steward, last of the Ruling Steward Earls of The Kingdom of Yymp; The Steward, Earl Stewart Earle, Steward-Earle of Steward These are not to be confused with the Stew Ward Eel of Stwartiel.

The Story That Is Built One Sentence At a Time By Those That Read It

”In a land of mysticism, bad speeling and poor grammar, there emerged a story, unlike any ever told, that begins with an extremely overworked introduction sentence and continued as it was added upon by all those that read it...” A flash of lightning tore through the tumult, illuminating the grizzled Elemenstor and his ambulatory dresser. Pausing uncertainly, the sagacious one pulled out a well-worn and faded parchment. It was a grocery list from six years ago. The Elemenstor frowned a grizzled frown, barely visible through his significantly grizzled beard. “This will not do,” he thought. He still hadn’t found the legendary Pickle of Decay. It had been almost literally ages since he had set out for the store, his kind wife reminding him, “Don’t forget the milk, dear!” She was gone, now - slain by the Dark Elemenstors. The milk she

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had craved had long since curdled in the second drawer of the dresser. The bitterly acrid smell of soured milk had been the Elemenstor’s constant companion for all these long years; it was the stench of regret. The Elemenstor turned to his gentle, wooden companion and searched through its cavernous compartments, taking stock of the vegetables, meats and fruits of his long quest. Little did he know that an ebony cupboard was watching him, hidden in the darkness of the night! Its handles glinted in the moonlight, and it twitched hungrily as he searched. Gathering his robes around him, the Elemenstor continued to trudge through the forest. The village of Slishpoy lay a night’s travel ahead and a with it the promise of information. As the lightning flashed overhead his constant mahogony companion; who until that moment had been trundling gracefully at his side caught the talon-held ball of his right front leg on a branch and tumbled awkwardly into the mud. “Drat this lightning,” the Elemenstor said to himself in his grumbli-est, most Elmenstatory tones. “And drat this storm.” “Drat yourself,” the storm replied. “Some of us are busy trying to earn an honest living around here.” The lightning snickered. Ignoring the rude weather, the Elemenstor arose to continue his long, and thus far, boring journey. Just then, something incredibly surprising and unbelievably exciting happened! The ground twisted and heaved, and the Elemenstor leaned heavily upon his ambulatory dresser as molten lava fountained into the sky. “Finally! A reason to do some Elemenstation on this dratted journey!” he cried, and unleashed a powerful shielding Elemenstation on himself and his dresser. A bright orangish-purple glow began to emanate from the very molecules of air surrounding the Elemenstor, and dresser began to hum as every fiber of his being became suddenly infused with the violent erruption of his master’s energy. As the raging, tempestuous lava flow wilted back into the earth, a twisted, inhuman snicker echoed forth from the darkness. Off in the distance, a shadowy figure

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emerged. ”Old friend,” the figure hissed, “It’s been too long - and too long since it’s been your time to pay for what you did to my dark master!” The Elemenstorraised his staff and shooed away his dresser, who regressed sheepishly into the dark shadows of a nearby grove and turned to shield its eyes from the confrontation. ”I always knew you would return. The terrible transgressions that transpired under the tutelage of your terrible teacher were too transfiguring to, to, um, let’s see here...” the Elemenstor declaimed, stopping to rummage in the folds of his robe for the speaking notes he had prepared for this very occasion. But the time for notes was not now and perhaps not ever, depending entirely on the outcome of the battle that threatened to ensue as the Glowing Fence Cage of Combat appeared and encircled the field of play. ”Wait, wait,” proclaimed the shadowy figure in a dark and shrill voice as he withdrew a long parchment of eldritch symbols, “I haven’t read my significantly longer and more convincingly alliterative speech!” ”Oh bollox,” the Elemenstor said to himself, and sighed. “I knew you’d want to steal my thunder.” ”When the white winds were washing Wonder from the world,” the figure intoned, ignoring his foe. “And all the arrows of the Hierarchs aimed along the sights of Arcady...” ”And he wonders why nobody listens to him,” the Elemenstor said. “Convincingly alliterative, my foot.” The figure glared: “Are you going to let me finish this, or not?” ”Go on, go on, you might as well.” The Elemenstor beckoned his dresser back out of the shadowed grove—the danger having passed for the moment—and took a seat with exaggerated weariness upon its glossy, but not unused, top.

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”Thank you,” the figure said, clearing his throat. “Now...” The figure frowned. ”You’d made it to the bit about Arcady.” ”Ah. Quite—“ he ahem’d, and resumed with extra drama, hoping to recapture the atmosphere of mystery after being interrupted “—When all this came to pass, my master met MooMaa the Maleficient, maker of many murderous masterworks, and spake serious spaeches—“ ”Look, that’s not even a word,” the Elemenstor said. ”The like of which no man hath h’never heard hence. MooMaa merely Ma—“ It’s a pity that the figure never quite finished the word—it was the beginning of not only the most rhetorically important passage of his speech, but it also happened to be the single most important word ever uttered—or not uttered, in this case—in the long and storied history of all Battal. It was The Word Itself, and the figure was the last being alive that knew what it was. He failed to finish speaking The Word because something very, very painful happened to him just as he began it, and which quite continued until long after he would otherwise have finished it. He looked down at his chest and saw a gyser of blood. His eyes strained to see the weapon with which he’d been undone, but there was only a tube made of some foreign substance rammed through his vital organs, and in a flash it, and its wielder, were gone. Sullenly sliding off the top of his dresser, the Elemenstor did his best to take stock of the increasingly bizarre situation. From the shadows to his right emerged the ebony cupboard, which had been silently waiting for the most dramatic moment to make its appearance—and its attack. ”Predictable, that,” the Elemenstor’s Dresser thought to itself. “Those ebony pieces are always putting on airs about how dark and mysterious and stealthy they are. Think they’re ninjas. Bah.”

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”I am no mere ninja!” cried the ebony cupboard as thunder boomed in the heavens. “Ninjas would wish to cower at my feet. I am power unchained. I am His keeper of things. I am-“ ”Splinters, if you don’t bugger off,” the Elemenstor said. ”How’d it know what I was thinking?” the Dresser thought. “Hello?” ”Your elemenstatory powers won’t save you from my wrath, fool!” ”Testing, testing,” the Dresser thought. “Heloooo?” Vexed, the Elemenstor rolled up the sleeves of his robe: “I did ask you nicely.” ”You told me to bugger off!” ”I threatened you, too.” ”One, two, three, four, five, six, seven,” the Dresser thought as omnidirectionally as it could. “All good cupboards go to—“ ”Oh, well, that’s very polite, isn’t it?” the ebony piece said. “Threat-ening a stick of furniture half your size.” The air crinkled with flashing fronds of power—the Elemenstor’s fingers glowed. This elemenstoral quality - the regality - of this entire encounter was going downhill fast, he thought to himself. Crackles of purest elemenstation spat from his fingertips and the top of his tall and very pointy hat. The ebony cupboard cowered against his vast epicness, awaiting the inevitable end. ”Eh, sod it.” shrugged the Elemenstor. The power around him winked out as he tipped the cupboard on its side. ”Hey, no fair!” yelled the cupboard as it struggled to right itself. ”Now,” said the Elemenstor as he took a seat on a nearby tree root, “Tell me where I can find the legendary Pickle of Decay.”

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”Yeah!” chimed the Dresser, “And no more mind-readin’, or I’ll thump ya!” ”Very well”, sighed the cupboard, “though I cannot give the precise location of that which you search for, I can point you in the right direction.” The cupboard stopped wobbling ineffectually on its side, and a dangerous glint appeared where its eyes may have been, had it had eyes. ”So, are you pointing right now?” inquired the Elemenstor, “I can’t really tell. Which end of you should I follow?” ”My hands,” the dark cupboard shrieked, “My hands you fool! Well, they’re not so much hands, they’re more like, my front legs... Or something. Man, I don’t know.” ”So,” the Elemenstor said hesitantly, looking at the malevolent cupboard’s feet, “you’re saying that the legendary Pickle of Decay, elemental icon of oxymoronity, the most powerful of pickled artifacts, is in the Forest of Burning Britches over younder?” The elemenstor’s dresser gasped, recognizing the infamous forest by reputation, for from its wood was born the most demonic of furniture, the dark one’s Twisted Furniliars. With a dramatically raspy voice, the ebon cupboard intoned,”Yes, fool, yes. The forest! The forest of pain, and suffering, and more bad things to come! Your britches will burn, fool! Burn for all ages!” Suddenly, with a sound that sounded like a million papers being ripped apart at the same time, the ebon cupboard exploded and its wood turned into dust. The Elemenstor blinked as the dust settled. “That was interesting...” he said, furrowing his already signifigantly furrowed brow. He mulled over his situation for some time. Then, reaching a decision, he set out toward the Forest of Burning Britches, stepping over the large younder in his way.

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Horatio was not in a good way. ”Higher. Higher. Little more. Liiiiiiitle more.” The woman sighed. “Yeah. Hold it there.” ”Are you sure? Cause I’m not going to move that sofa for the next two hours. I have a life, you know?”, he lied. She sighed, made a little ‘tut’ sound with her tongue, then said: “Oh darling what will we do with the portrait of Mummy?” Horatio sighed. Thus was the life of a Tribbit. Safe... leisurely... boring. His heart ached for adventure. Well, not adventure, as such, but at least something more exciting than redecorating the house all day. Even the life of a Mucksucker, filled with sweat and dank and good honest work, appealed to him. You see, Horatio was the youngest son of the powerful (in the Tribbit world) Luskfish clan, and that carried certain responsibilities. Mainly, to keep out of the other members’ way, and to keep a nicely decorated home. Horatio wanted something new in his life. His fiancé, Wendybell, was not so inclined. ”I said”, she intoned with her practiced upper-class accent, “What shall we do with the portrait?” ”I don’t know! Do anything!” screamed Horatio. As Wendybell’s face quickly changed from disbelief to anger, Horatio knew he must act quick to extricate himself from this predicament. He ran screaming and flailing his arms, down the stairs to the first floor and outside into the market square. Upstairs, Wendybell cocked her head to the side as she gazed at the portrait. “That does look...yes, I do believe that’s the perfect position on the wall there. Now, where did my lovely little fool of a fiancé go?” As Horatio ran through the hustling and bustling market square, he wondered aloud exactly how a square could hustle and bustle in and of itself. His ponderings were cut short as a surly armoire slammed into him, knocking Horatio to the cold cobble-stone.

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”Watch where you’re go--,” Horatio stopped mid-sentence, his collision with the armoire threw its doors open, and in its musty depths Horatio spied a rather startling symbol. It was the symbol of The Item Law Makers Guild, which Horatio had had quite a nasty tussle with years ago, and below it was a single roll of parchment marked with Horatio’s name. Horror donned slowly upon the face of poor Horatio for he knew then that his frivolous and youthful violation of Item Law 32 had finally caught up with him. He knew right away that he must think of a brilliant plan to hide his knowledge of Culimancy, that he absolutely had to have his brilliant idea before he could even think another word! As Horatio scratched his goatee, his eyes flowing around the market square in search of inspiration, the armoire glared at him expectantly, tapping its front-left leg softly upon the cobble-stone street. An idea rose in Horatio’s mind with such brilliance that he blinded himself, a brilliance some would expect only in a retard than a mere mortal. “Pbxys Ssyvnz Gvuu-!” Horatio started. The armoire raised an eyebrow. ”May I help you?” it asked. Bracing itself for the unwelcome cloud of dust that always seemed to settle upon it when events of deep Epicness were brewing, it awaited an answer. ”You could, um, burst into flames?” squeaked Horatio, adding “If it’s not too much trouble, that is.” This particular event being only about as deeply Epic as the history of the small depression in the center of Small Puddle, or perhaps not even, a very small amount of dust settled about the armoire; being just enough to set off its rather inconvenient type of allergies. ”Aw, come on! Did’ya really have to do that?” it asked, sneezing. Horatio only whimpered. His knowledge of Elemenstoring, a field forbidden to Tribits, was understandably sketchy. However, he was certain that last spell should have blown the armoire off its hinges.

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”Y’see,” the armoire sniffled, “I’m tryin’ to find this Horatio Luskfish guy. Got a subpoena for ‘im. You know where he lives? Should be a big house with lousy decor.” At that inopportune moment, a familiar voice from the crowd caught Horatio’s ear. “Horatio!” the voice called. “Horatio Luskfish! You still haven’t fixed that lousy decor!” Horatio’s heart dropped to his stomach as Wendybell draped her arms across his shoulders. He contemplated denying it, claiming she must have mistaken him for someone else, but somehow that didn’t seem like a feasible option. So he did the only other thing he could think to do: He pushed Wendybell away and fled. Horatio knew that he needed to get away, and also knew that the furniture had trouble telling Tribbits apart, so he ran towards the one place where he could blend in; the Mucksucking fields.

Three years later, a rather grubbier Horatio (now using the clever alter-ego “Shmoratio Shmuskfish”) toiled away in the Dooblegnards’ swampy fields. It wasn’t quite as pleasant as he had imagined. The Dank was filled with the odors of hundreds of Dooblegnards, all warm and rich and musky. It was also where Horatio spent his time pulling muck off the fattest, nastiest, most demanding Dooblegnard: Duke Alfamarma. Duke Alfamarma was ugly, disgusting and would give the nastiest commands to all who he did not deem worthy of his presence. As much as he loved the Tribbit known as Gabe, he hated Horatio. “SHMORATIO!!!” he boomed through The Dank. Horatio had heard him, and didn’t want to go, but all the other Tribbits said he ought to go, be it that they’d want to leave The Dank that night to go celebrate Mike’s birthday. Horatio knew of neither a Mike, nor of his birthday, but, as his fellow Mucksuckers insisted, he went anyway. As it turned out, the party was boring and uneventful. After only three and a half elims Horatio threw back his last cocktail and headed off, a little tipsy, to find Duke Alfamarma, knowing well that his tardiness would not be looked upon kindly by the rotund Alfamarma.

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As he approached the Duke, the obtuse man stared down at him from over his stomach and cried “Shomrey!, how have things been?” Many of the others in The Dank turned to listen, as little better was going on. Horatio tried to sober up by shear act of will. He needed his wits about him; not only was Duke Alfamarma the name of the biggest, nastiest pit boss working the Dank, it was also the name of the biggest, nastiest Dooblegnard, whom Duke (the Tribbit) had named after himself. Things would not go well for him if he confused the two. Meanwhile, Duke (the Dooblegnard) chewed his cud thoughtfully, or at least as thoughtfully as a large, slow-witted quadruped was capable of. Realizing he had paused for too long and the boss was becoming impatient, Horatio stammered his response. ”I sh-shwear it washn’t me.” The Duke narrowed his eyes suspiciously. “Get to working, lazy-bones.” He snarled. “You’re already on thin ice for skipping out earlier, if you don’t watch it I’ll cut yer pay. Or maybe even fire you.” ”Shir, I’m shorry, but being on fire ishn’t mush fun.” ”I’ll say.” An Elemenstor appeared quite suddenly behind Horatio, his pants blazing. “I shouldn’t have gone through the Forest of Burning Britches. Didn’t even find that Heirarchs’ cursed Pickle.” Horatio immediately sobered up when he saw the Elemenstor. ”Anyway, I - oh, for heaven’s sake!” The flames were spreading to the Elemenstor’s tunic now. “Excuse me for a moment”, he said. Ignoring the stares of those present, the Elemenstor waded into the middle of a nearby shallow pool. Head held high, surrounded by an aura of dignity and Elemenstorial authority, he cleared his throat and sat down with a splash.

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”You’ll have to excuse him,” said a large Ambulatory Dresser, who had been following the Elemenstor, “He’s been feeling rather... left out recently.” ”That Dooblegnard won’t scrape the muck off its own back, Shmoratio!” boomed the Duke, “I’ll take care of the trespasser.” ”If by ‘take care of’, you mean ‘provide with momentary amuse-ment’,” said the soggy Elemenstor,” then by all means.” The Duke reached into his pocket and held his hand there for long moments, trying to increase tension (the Elemenstor clearly an-noyed), before bringing out a weasel. The Elemenstor extended his Elemenstave (theatrically) and inside his mind’s ear heard a TONG as the weasel froze absolutely solid. The Duke panicked, as can be well and easily imagined, as his fingers initially felt the icy chill that crawled through the whole of his hand, imparted thereupon by that flash-frozen rodent. ”That was my FAVORITE WEASEL!” shrieked the Duke, “Just WHO in the multiple hells do you think you are?!” ”My name...” said the Elemenstor, pausing for effect, “Is...” Before the Elemenstor could finish his sentence, he was interrupted by a strange, muffled sound. “Hlmpf!” it sounded like. “Hllllmpf!” The sound seemed to be emanating from the rear end of Duke Alfamarma, the Dooblegnard.

The air hung thick and stale in the ancient library, when a black raven flew in through a high open window, a note tied to its leg, and flapped down to its perch, beside a gnarled throne composed of weathered skulls. An armor-clad hand reached out and grabbed the raven by the wings, ripping the note off its leg as it did so. Apparently the person belonging to the hand found the letter to bear good news. ”So, Harbinger, my old friend. You’re at the Dank.”

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”What does this mean, sire?” croaked a hunched figure standing just behind the throne, in the official “henchman” position. ”Time will tell, Morris.” replied the shadowy, armored man in the throne, “Time will tell. Now take this bird away before it messes on my weathered skulls.”

Pixlies are generally lively, energetic, good-natured, mischevious and extremely annoying creatures. They are small, attractive (some would say “cute”), heavily infused with magic, and can live for eons, barring accidents. For Bibee, the last few eons had passed particularly slowly. Slowly to be sure, but more importantly, the last few eons had passed disgust-ingly, encompassed in a putrid mix of congealed Dooblegnard sweat and the mud-caked algae. ”Help, heeeelp!!” Bibee beat against the walls of her prison with tiny fists, “Let me out!” After fruitlessly banging on the sides of the glass for a while, Bibee sat down, disgusted by the leering customers of Oblivion’s lonely bar. -----------------------------

”Hlllmp!” Horatio wrinkled his nose at Duke Alfamarma’s rearend. Why was it talking? He reached out, wiping away the muck and out popped...a pixlie? ”I can see Oblivion’s through your muck.” ”Of course you can, silly Pixlie, the vile putrecence under the posterior Wargnle plate of a Dooblegnard is notorious for its transdi-mensionality (both real and imagined)”, quipped the Elemenstor. ”Uh, yeah, it sure is.” muttered Horatio, wondering how the Elemenstor managed to pronounce parentheses. The wisened Elemenstor exscused himself to the Duke, who was still distraught over the fate of his beloved weasel. “What were you doing

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stuck in there, little one?” he said, lifting Bibee by the wings to roughly eye-level. ”Halucinating. What’s it to you, you old fart?” spat the tiny pixlie, squirming in a vain attempt to escape the Elemenstors iron grip. Horatio took a few steps forward in order to get a better look. ”And what are you staring at?” Bibee hissed at Horatio. “A helpless pixlie is trying to escape the grasp of mister hairy swamp-mummy here and all you can do is stare? Probably going to stuff me into his read end next! That’s all right with you, is it? YOU don’t care because YOU haven’t spent ages trapped in the filthiest, smelliest hole imaginable so YOU are just gonna stand there like the spineless maggot you look like? Huh? Huh?! FREE! Free am I from the vile, the putrid, the wretched stink of the beast’s folds! No longer sleeping in a filthy bed of oozing refuse; no longer waking to the sounds of my own vomiting! And to whom do I owe the favor of my freedom... A whelp of a Tribbit. I wonder if perhaps I can still fit beneath the scale...” ”Aww,” said Horatio. “It’s so cute.” ”Cute but deadly!” the angry creature hollered, as it pounced, nay trounced, the unsuspecting and oblivious Horatio. Horatio tried to pry the Pixlie off, but it clung to his whiskers with surprising strength and determination. ”OH GOD SOMEONE KILL IT!” screamed Horatio, his opinion of the pixlie now somewhat lessened. ”Extrapicus,” muttered the Elemenstor and Horatio was sent flying in one direction, while the Pixlie was sent with a fist full of whiskers in the other direction. The tiny Pixlie recovered from the tumble with remarkable agility. “I’m going to tear your HEART out for that, you old...” she screamed, waving Horatio’s whiskers at the Elemenstor - then clamped her mouth shut at the sight of electricity sparking between the Elemenstor’s fingers in a decidedly threatening manner. ”Then again, we might discuss it in peaceful, static way”, little Pixlie suggested sneakily.

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”That’s better,” the Elemenstor said evenly and then continued, “now if you’ll excuse me, I have something rather pressing to attend to.” ”Good”, the diminutive girl answered, and turned to Horatio. “Now, where were we?”

Comments

My “friends” who aren’t as familiar with ELotH:TES as I am have noted that the title “should” read “...By Those WHO Read It”. This misconception stems, naturally, from a lack of familiarity with the source material (noted below). “Those That Read It” refers not to people, but to Furniliars, the first line being built/read by Bix the Endtable. ~rubian

Note: Consider it good form to use wiki-links while adding to the story. Not only will it emphasize the Epicness of this wiki, but it will aid your next contributor in transcribing the next line.

The title of this story implies that it would fall under Fan Fiction, but when I read it I noticed that it was identical thus far to the strangely titled story from The Temptations of the Bix the End Table, and other tales. In keeping with the practise, I only added one line. I recommend you do the same. I just wanted to address any concerns that this story was non-canon. In fact, it now comes to my attention from the endnotes of The Temptations of the Bix that this story was in fact an early, rejected, manuscript for Book 1. -256

The Sundered Era

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The period between 10,435 and 17,908. Notable writings referring to this period are:

• The Evolution of Eternal Sorrow Graphic novel.

• The Tides of Epic Conflict Saga

• Several short stories written by Tycho Brahe in his online post-Elemenstor Cycle writings. These stories include:

o The Unsung story of The Dyecast Nine o A Trip to Grandma Beureau’s Place o Beyond the Vale of the Ancients

The Sundering

In the year 10,435, unbelievably potent Elemenstal energies are released when Zonard, heir to the throne of the Magic Sword Kings, clashes with Yar the Sorcerial. The epic battle between Yar The Sorcerial and Zonard ended when Zonard was struck by an epic blow to his zotesticle, unleashing the potent, epic forces within. An Eldritch Rift broke the world into three parts, only two of which were reunited during The Unsundering; The Shield And The Sickle, and the Cataclysmic Bluont, the previously unknown third, most Epic part. The period of geological upheaval after The Sundering, and before The Unsundering is referred to as The Sundered Era. A popular retort in many regions is to shout loudly: “YOU JUST GOT SUNDER’D!” and then clap one’s hand to one’s mouth, simulating disbelief. Note: These details are NOT derived from The Sundering of Vhaxdi, which has been overwritten due to it’s numerous technical and continuity errors.

Related Topics:

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• The Sundered Era

• The Sundering of Vhaxdi

• The Burnten’ed Times

The Temptations of the Bix the End Table, and other tales

Back to Other Elemenstor Literature

Dust Jacket Notes

After the devastation of the Hierarch Wars, the world of Battal, a brief period of peace is believe to ensue; but what really goes on? Aside from the main legends and myths of the Elemenstors you’ve come to know and love, there were other things taking place in the world. Did you know, for instance, of the Fabulous Feast of Gluttony, or the Great Cave Orgy of the Khith? Did you know about Dogus Brankorking’s journeys into the Nastier Planes after a party? These events and many more tales await in this fabulous companion to Tycho Brahe’s Elemen-stor Cycle which, with appendixes, runs to nearly 1300 pages in length.

Table of Contents

• The First Temptation of Bix the End Table

• Simon the Severe

• The Wenching Hour

• The Second Temptation of the the Bix the End Table

• The Thing that did not Tempt Bix the End Table

• An Interlude on the Consistency of my Vomit

• No Really, I Don’t Remember Eating That

• The Third through Tenth Temptations of Bix the End Ta-ble

• People To Kill Quickly

• And Slowly

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• The Story That Is Built One Sentence At a Time By Those That Read It

• What the Quilp?

• Fifteen Recipes for Valium Martinis

• Appendix A: The Rise and Fall of Minuschitae

Comments

This book was released by Mr. Tycho Brahe in his later years when his royalties were no longer keeping him in the moderate lavishness and semi-affluence to which his Elemenstor Cycle had previously afforded him. It is believed to have been largley written during a savage, 10-yr drinking and pill binge. This is evident in the strange, almost psychedelic nature of the characters, settings and situations throughout this series of short stories and poems. Some poems do not appear to be poems of the Elemenstors at all, but rather grocery lists and the order in which the author felt each of his enemies should die. There is also a list of people to kill which does not match any of the mythos, nor the previous list of which order his enemies should die in. It appears to be, rather, a completely seperate set of enemies or annoyances all together; the most interesting name on this list being Gabe. Those stories which do have a clear connection to the ELotH:TES universe appear to be largely a collection of previously unpublishable manuscripts simply mashed together with a complete lack of editorial diligence Also of some note is the apparent extra “the” in the title of the collection which is not reproduced in any of the story titles, although the Second Temptation appears to have two extra “the”s. Some fans have suggested that perhaps Bix the End Table, the Bix the End Table and the the Bix the End Table are in fact three distinct characters, although there is nothing in the text which indicates this. Also known as The Temptations of the Furniliar, and other tales.

I have added a transcription of the table of contents from my copy. Unfortunately the last half of my book appears to have been consumed by some sort of beast. If anyone has a copy in better condition and can complete the table of contents I would appreciate it. -256

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How could I forget that Simon the Severe was a part of this collection?

The Underdeep

The Underdeep is a deep, dark, mysterious, underground, subterra-nean, cavernous unknown realm which exists far beneath the surface of the world. It consists of a series of immensely cavernous caves and contains much disparate geography, including underground rivers, underground forests, underground oceans, underground deserts, underground mountains, underground weather and a small under-ground sun. It is unknown precisely how large the Underdeep is, or exactly what portions of Battal it lies beneath; assessing this informa-tion is made difficult by the fact that pretty much every cave system in all of the Underdeep seems to lead straight to the capital city of Great Gandandersanden.

The primary inhabitants of the Underdeep are the Mean Elves, a scantily-clad race that has ruled the great Empire of Dark for lots and lots of years. The Mean Elves are ruled by the immortal Queen-Princess Xanzandrinzel, who, with her bat-mouse familiar on her shoulder and riding a fearsome two-horned unicorn, has on may occasions lead her people to battle against their many enemies, chiefly the minions of the Slightly Older Ones, who dwell far beneath the underdeep in the nameless land called the Darkunder. Mean Elf society revolves around the Cult of the Crawlies, about which little should be known.

The Underdeep is believed to be where Slimees originated, and where they are most often found, although they have since spread to every other cave system, dungeon and (in many cases) basement rec room in Battal by placing their unique ‘spore mucus’ on the soles of unwitting travellers who step on something disgusting in the darkness, what the hell is that, hand me that stick so I can scrape it off.

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The Underdeep is also presumed to be the location where the legendary, mysterious and malodorous Underpants of the Underdeep originated.

The Unsundering

The Unsundering is Harbinger Portent’s valiant attempt in 17,909 to rejoin The Shield, The Sickle and the Cataclysmic Bluont and thus mend the damage of The Sundering. However, during the demanding elemenstation his trusted apprentice Char Reyarteb betrayed him, striking him down at the critical moment of rejoining. The resulting new Battal was only a rejoined Sheild and Sickle, leaving the Cata-clysmic Bluont to remain sundered, much to their apparent disap-pointment. Char Reyarteb exploited the resulting chaos to set himself up as a major power during the following Century of Fire.

The Vampyre Kingdom of Far Southern Battal

Founded in the first few years of The Magic Sword Kings Period, the Vampyre Kingdom was rather peaceful and known for “keeping to itself.” The very existance of such a kingdom made the Twelve Realms of Antior very uneasy, but since they never really did anything overtly hostile, there was nothing much to do about them. The first ruler of the Vampyre Kingdom was Overseer Draxle, who was darkly manipulative, and well known for his speeches of an overly grand nature given to those gathered around the hexagonal “long table” of The Kings Council from his “throne of tears.” Still, an uneasy peace was maintained, barring the minor squables and in fighting that was so common among the various kingdoms of The

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Shield at that time. It was not until the year 799 (TMSK), when Vampyre Diplomat Vhadxi, the diplomat to K’th’ith’h, set into motion events which would lead to the time of great strife known as the Vampyric Wars. In 800, Vhadxi overthrew Overseer Drihzxi, and declared himself the Vampyre Lord Vhadxi. From there, the Vampyre Kingdom began a series of increasingly aggressive moves which the other Kingdoms at first attempted to deal with diplomatically. By the time a full scale resistance to the invading Vampyre Armies was mounted, it was already too late to save the twelve realms.

Theoric’s Laws

Citizens of Willestria, an ancient city built on the site believed to be the origin of The Eldritch Rift, located on the Cataclysmic Bluont. The Lore of Willestria is largely incoherent, having been written all in one afternoon by The Unhinged Rotunda, but amidst the babble are several references to The Cataclysmic Bluont. The fragments are recreated below for your convenience. ”From its...teeth...the infernal appendage...tea root...it was de-creed...rift...butterscotch” Scholars throughout the ages have been unable to make sense of this apparently dire warning about Butterscotch.

The Wizbits

The History of the Ur-Wizbits and Their Four Familiars

This page contains information relating to the characters of The

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Wizbits Cartoon.

For more information about The Wizbits, please see the Wizbits Disambiguation Page.

For more information about other characters in The Wizbits, see the Wizbits Characters page.

For information about other incarnations of these characters, please see this page.

The Heroes

Lander

• Hometown: the Village of Delberry

• Lander’s familiar: Professor Dervmont, a sentient member of the Quilp, a race of six-legged porcupine.

• Lander is based on a young Lander Phoenixsong.

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Zula

• Hometown: The Village of Lesser Saltmarsh

• Zula’s familiar: Hallau, a wispy, Pink Fruitbat.

• Zula is based on a young Fantasmaphila

Skip

• Hometown: the Village of Steam Shallows

• Skip’s familiar: Blunder, a psychotic Red Panda with a pen-chant for hats.

• Skip is based on a young Wendell Blunder

Penny

• Hometown: the Village of E’Lylin

• Penny’s Familiar: Myrtle, a spotted, Gnarled Land Squid that is often confused for a flying pancake balloon in pictures.

• Penny is based on a young Myrtle Breakwind

The Cartoon

The Wizbits were best known to American audiences for their three-season run in the syndicated cartoon, The Wizbits (The Wizbits Episode Guide). It is an oft forgotten fact, usually thanks to some degree of effort on the part of the person who manages to forget it, that for Season 2 of Wizbits Skip was briefly replaced. The original Japanese animators having discovered the popularity of their show in the West decided to replace the most ‘Japanese’ of their creations with a more generic character. Thus Skip was replaced with the much-reviled Doodle, a character whose basic premise was that he travelled Battal drawing crude pictures of other people’s familiars (or indeed in some cases

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their furniliars). Presented as an already established character Doodle’s origin story was thankfully never disclosed. Having proved less popular with the kids than even the hardcore fans Doodle was rapidly ret-conned out of existence. Because he was created specifically for the western audience, Doodle never appearred in the original japanese series (see ElamenSTAR). Before the Wizbits had a cartoon, however, the term “Wizbit” was already in use, as seen in some of the earlier games. It is unknown who came up with the term, though most say it was Tycho Brahe, who, while drunk, referred to the Elemenstor characters as “jus’ a bun’ a lil’ wizzy bits. Wizzy bits. Wiz-bits, if ya will.”

Comments

removed redundant Wizbit descriptions (found on sub pages verbatum) -tim

Removed Recurring Character information and moved it to the Wizbits Characters page. ~Shadowtext

The Wizbits Cartoon

For episode names and summaries, please see The Wizbits Episode Guide.

For cast and crew information, please see The Wizbits Cast and Crew.

For characters from the Wizbits Cartoon, please see Wizbits Charac-

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ters.

For other information related to The Wizbits, please see the Wizbits Disambiguation Page.

Production Information

The Wizbits was, in fact, a “re-imagining” of the Japanese anime

エラメン☆, which is romanized as ElamenSTAR. ElamenSTAR

originally aired in Japan in 1996, as a cross-promotion with the

collectible card game エラメン☆カード大戦 (ElamenSTAR Card

Battle), known in the United States as Wizbits Elemenstor Battle.

The Wizbits Cartoon was cobbled together both from clips of the original Japanese cartoon (see the article ElamenSTAR) and from all-new and, at times, highly psychedelic animation commissioned by General Defense Dynamics and guided by the avant-garde art-ist/eccentric/felon James Langomedes. Overdubbing of the original Japanese material and voice work for the new animation were handled by American voice actors employed by cut-rate animation house United Dildonics. The overdubbing has been vocally criticized by some fans, while others applaud it for introducing clever twists such as hidden literary references and clever anagrams. A rumored Season 4, starring the speculative ‘fifth Wizbit’ Phila never came to fruition. This is probably because Phila was the Japanese name of the character Penny (See The Wizbits Translation Notes). In an attempt to resurrect the 1980s heyday of Saturday Morning Cartoons, Wizbits originally aired on Saturday mornings (timeslot varied from network to network). After syndication, it aired weekdays immediately after Kung Fu Rooster (of Toon Penny fame, lending yet another sliver of credence to certain conspiracy theorists) as part of the

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“James Langomedes Power Hour.” The Power Hour lasted for a total of seven nonconsecutive months before the Wizbits Cartoon and Kung Fu Rooster departed from the airwaves permanently. See the Real Life Timeline, Aftermath of The Wizbits, and the article on James Langomedes for more information.

Theme Song

Adventurers, come along, we are brave and strong With our friends we’ll survive to the end We’ll win any war to become elemen-stors C’mon! We are the Wizbits! Lander: Lander, Earth! Zula: Zula, Air! We are the Wizbits! Skip: Skip, Fire! Penny: Penny... oh, Water? We are the Wizbits, with the power of Rubian! Come along with us friends.

- Season 1 Theme Song - The Wizbits Theme Song - Season 1 Ending Credits - Season 1 Ending Credits---can we get a better recording? I must hear this song more clearly, it warms my heart.

Cast and Crew Information

Lead Voice Actors

Lander .... Eric Cummings Zula .... Monica Chaudhry Skip ..... Rick Horwell Penny ..... Patricia Bentor

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Production Crew

Executive Producer .... James Langomedes (Also by Gary Jaques, for a short period after Langomedes fell into a coma) Producers .... Roger Conroy, Niles Taylor, Lisa Coolige Directors .... James Langomedes (Pilot Only), Cassie Bloomfeld, Brad Aviar Writers .... James Langomedes, Hal Burton, Jerry Chang, Melissa Eberhart, Calvin Spunting, Gary Jaques For a complete cast and crew listing please see The Wizbits Cast and Crew. Note that this cartoon should not be confused with Wizbit, a British children’s television program that appears to have no connection to Epic Legends Of The Hierarchs: The Elemenstor Saga other than the seemingly coincidental similarity of the show’s titles. This conflict with an existing series led to The Wizbits being aired under the title Lander and the Power of Rubian.

Thithithmihos

Thithithmihos is a quiet little Tribbit villiage on the outskirts of The Dank. It was founded when Hermes the Obtuse and his mate Thithithmi spawned their eggs beneath the swaying thistles of a HurkaHurka tree. Four children were born - Haile, Arp, March and Osmamp, each gifted with the power of a different Secondary Element. Eventually, the time-tossed Char Reyarteb would flay these children to harvest The Four Skins of Thithithmihos. In the Sixtieth Cycle, the journey to Mount Windice of the Tribbit Horatio would begin in this humble hamlet. Thithithmihos is also, for reasons not all that well explained in canon, the original home of Gragnakas, Forge-King of the Dwarves.

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Three Critical Errors

The Three Critical Errors were a group of major omissions in several printings of the Repent: The Exotic set’s Comprehensive Rulebook. Because of the omission of these rules, several major changes were apparent in Pillar Resolution and gameplay of Wizbits Elemenstor Battle. Chief among these (the First Critical Error) was the omission of the Reverse Pillar rule, which is enormously important for many combo decks to work efficiently. The Second Critical Error was the replacement of a colon (:) with a semicolon (;). While this would be later recognized as a marketing stunt to foreshadow the release of Book 13 of the Elemenstor Saga, at the time all it caused was rules havoc as it caused many players to completely disregard the next set of rules. These rules included the explanation of Flip Timing Subpillars, Superpillar Damage Management, and an interesting procedure based on tail recursion which cleared up any rules inconsistencies in the game and allowed all rules to be clearly and concisely explained; it also allowed all currently unsolved mysteries of some Pillar-heavy combos to be easily explained. It is not believed that any written copies of this procedure remain in existence. The Third Critical Error remains a mystery to this day. No one can quite agree on what it was, though it’s commonly accepted that it was a really big problem. While the Three Critical Errors themselves are well known debate still exists as to whether they were cause by a freak printing accident or by deliberate sabotage by a disgruntled employee. Whichever it is the confusion caused to beginners and tournament veterans alike is still remembered to this day.

Throbald the Somewhat Addled

Throbald the Somewhat Addled presents somewhat of an interesting character for people trying to create a chronology of ELotH:TES. He is acknowledged as one of the greater Warrior Elemenstors, however this title is hardly his fault. He often wanders into stories without

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being mentioned, described or even explained as this section of Book Six: Nightstand’s Peril shows:

His hand broke through the soft wood of what was once an ambulatory dresser. ”This place makes me want to be sick!” exclaimed the solitary Elemenstor. Throbald the Somewhat Addled grunted his agree-ment.

The most famous case of his sudden apperance was when he was at the head of the wedge of knights that destroyed the armies of the Twelve Realms in the Battle of Near Competence at the end of the Fumbling Offensive. His position at the head of this unit lead the others on the field to assume that he was the General of the armies of Vhadxi. The fact that he had meant to lead the armies of Twelve Realms means little to the many dead due to his strange behaviour. For almost a hundred years he was considered an enemy of all good folk until he tripped in the square of a town that had been cursed never to laugh, thus breaking the curse and giving the people a good laugh. Some say that there was no curse, but it helps to maintain his mythos. Giving people a good laugh is another tendancy of Throbalds, he is noted for his apperance as a jester in the courts of several kings who can prove that they have never hired a jester (or laughed so hard). His tendancy to suddenly enter a situation is complimented by his negation of all apparent laws of time and space, where by he will often discuss events that have not even been thought of yet and has even been reported as being in two places at the same time. This has lead to speculation that he is, in fact, a Chronosorcellor, but there is little evidence to show that he has the ability, or even the intelligence to be. Another idea is that he is a recurring joke created by the collective efforts of the creators of ELotH:TES as a way of confusing the general fan base. Others argue that he was introduced to provide (very obvious) foreshadowing, if statements like “I missed you after you died on that cloudy day in April.” can be considered foreshadow-ing and not a spolier. The majority of his off-handed, and yet extremly ominous, remarks come to make sense in the fulness of time, although many continue to cause unrest while the remain unfulfilled. For example, his famous declaration: “Nobody ever

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suspected the true nature of the snorkiepies until it was too late to prevent the tragedies.” still prevents many people from tasting the rather tasty (and completely harmless) confection. An interesting side note is that Throbald the Somewhat Addled is the only character to have been in all incarnations of ELotH:TES un-changed, his original description fitting his final image in Wizbits Extreme.

Thule Runderkrust

Thule Runderkrust, son of Aedna and Yammal Runderkrust, lived a completely uneventful life, utterly devoid of interesting anecdote, except for the day that he blew himself up in a spica mining accident. The cataclysmic event breached an underground spring which caused the formation of The Accursed Lake in the Wang Mountains. Due to the volatile time sorcelly nature of spica, the date of the explosion (and therefor, the entire history surrounding Thule and his lake) is a point of some argument, but it is generally agreed upon that the explosion occurred in 3,743 TMSK.

The Tides of Epic Conflict Saga

by Paul S. Thompson

Books

• Book One: Tides of Sicklemire

• Book Two: Hopebane’s Gambit

• Intermission Between Book Two and Book Three: The Winds of the Ultracraggoths

• Book Three: Return to the Epic Sicklemire Dilemma

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The Tides of Epic Conflict Saga was originally released as three separate shorter novels under the names Tides of Sicklemire, Hopebane’s Gambit, and Return to the Epic Sicklemire Dilemma. Eventually they, along with a seemingly unrelated short story entitled The Winds of the Ultracraggoths, were released as a single 1184 page masterpiece under the name The Tides of Epic Conflict Saga. Criminally underappreciated, the ToECS enjoys only limited popularity among the greater ELotH fanbase, though it does have a committed group of fans who claim it’s ‘just as good’ as Mr. Brahe’s Epic work. Interestingly, it received largely better reviews than ELotH:TES did, though this is largely attributed to annoyance among the greater critical body of Mr. Brahe’s supposedly-undeserved success. Although many see it as another cheap attempt to cash in on EloTH, most see it as a welcomed, but slightly inferior addition to the ELotH canon. The saga takes place entirely within The Sickle, during the years between 11,384 and 11,396, chronicling the period of Eldritch Treachery and Epic Intrigue that took place in the events leading up to Hopebane’s Bane and the Pax Hyacinth with the restoration of the Throne of Cream.

Elemenstation on The Sickle

The Sundered Era saw a rise of the codified common use of common low Elemenstation on The Sickle. Perhaps this was influenced in some in perceptable way by the distant activities of Harbinger Portent on The Shield. Elemenstors from this period were relatively powerful compared to any Low Elemenstors from a previous or later era, although not as powerful as the later High Elemenstors who had access to the teachings and discoveries made from the great Unsunderers study of the Starborn Gem. They did however discover, perhaps independantly of any other group, the art of Transchanting, and so Furniliars were not uncommon in this era. After the Unsundering there remained little trace of this Elemenstor culture. It is possible that these arts were largely lost in the long Pax Hyacinth.

Characters

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Blacksmith Smithy Blackfinger Duke Amalgum Duke Hopea Hondana The Hyacinth Emperor Frolick the Fureater The Kapiten Lady Ambivilia Lady Arisa Lopae of Hopea Lord Hopebane Percy Mulligan Sir Fennelton Skizzlefrok Yam-Eaters

Timenes

Back to Elements | Back to Com-plete List of Elements

This is the existence of Time itself. It was one of the original Ur-Urelements to come out of the primal chaos, along with Epic, Voidnes and Spacenes. Timenes could have a symbol, but it would probably be something stupid, like a clock. So it’s better off without one.

There have been some philosophical debates on whether Time was indeed first or not. Those who study Timesorc’ley generally employ the simple argument of “Time had to come first because there was no time before it so nothing happened until it arrived”. Their opponents who study Liberal Arts respond with “It doesn’t make sense to talk about Time (and hence Timenes) beginning because without Time nothing can be ordered temporally at all- so Time has to have always

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been.” They then go off together and drink heavily to relieve the constant headaches they suffer.

Comments & Discussion (I always thought “Timenes” was just a typo- is it really “Timenes” and not “Timeness”? -toshi.m) (I think it is actually “Timenes”, pronounced “tim-uh-nes” however I could be wrong -Nathan) (Given that the Ur-Elements often have archaic spellings, it is not inconceivable that “Timenes” is indeed the correct way to spell the word. I’d have to agree with Nathan. -Jonny D) (Yes, Timenes is the way that I’ve always seen it written. There are some lame puns in the Wizbits that involve a confusion of the term “timenes” with the notion of a “time menace”. (Maybe it could have one o’dems melty clocks as a symbol?)

The act or practice of manipulating timenes, a practice which may be distinct from Elemenstation. When most think of timesorc’ley, they of course think of Banachrona-tion, the act of travelling back in time. Banachronation is often the last skill mastered by students of timesorc’ley. The Master Chronosorcellors hold that this is because of the sheer difficulty of banachronation and its potential for abuse by the young and foolhardy. In fact, the opposite is true, as there is nary a skill at the disposal of a young chronosorcellor that is of less consequence. It is commonly thought that this is a ploy by the master chronosorcellors to keep enrollment high in their departments. More useful acts of Timesorc’ley includes the mildly dangerous power to generate time gas.

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Too Soft Mattress

The Too Soft Mattress is the half-brother of the Comfortable-Looking Sofa. It too had back-straining properties with the added problem that because its victims were comfortable they weren’t aware of their orthopaedic discomfort until the next day - by which point it was, of course, too late. After the Comfortable-Looking Sofa was sent to the Tip of Destruction at the end of Book 3, the Too Soft Mattress attempted to avenge its brother’s death by tempting each of the characters in turn throughout the book to, “Just get their head down for ten minutes or so.” Unfortunately High Culimancer Bertrick succumbed to its blandish-ments after partaking of The Large Meal In The Middle Of The Day After A Heavy Night The Night Before, and spent the rest of book four being unable to get up or sit down without a small murmur of pain, followed by the infamous words; “No, it’s all right, don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine.”

Toobanor

The Fancy Elemenstor

Toobanor, a Water Elemenstor, is one of the Elemenstors who rise to meet the threat of Char Reyarteb and the Doorknob Marshals in the Hierarch Wars. Aside from being occasionally referred to as the Fancy Elemenstor, not much is revealed about his personal life and motives other than his favorite cheese, Dark Hogs Cheese which spurred the Elemenstors around him to complain loudly.

Tower of Power

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The Tower of Power was the home and laboratory of the Wandering Philosopher Psychic Harbinger Portent. It was very tall and, oddly enough, not as powerful as advertised, although it’s owner, knowing the secrets of High Elemenstation, was very powerful indeed. It was also quite difficult to heat effectively. This was the reason that closets with various blankets and quilts were positioned strategically around the tower. Unfortunately, these closets made up only a small percentage of the total number of closets in the tower, many of the others housing portals to the Nastier Planes, and other things that one does not expect to nor wish to encounter when seeking a blanket. Needless to say, the tower was not hospitable to guests. According to legend, one of the doors in the Tower leads to neither a blanket nor a portal to the Nastier Planes, and instead contains a vastly powerful magical artifact that will grant its wearer eternal life and wealth. This is almost certainly made up in order to get rid of unwanted guests. The tower makes a notable appearance in Book 12, as it is the location of Battle of the Towers of Elemenstation Power, one of the Epic seventeen final battles. It also features as the title song from the somewhat disturbing rap album It’s More Than a Tower. Many of Harbinger Portent’s most famous Furniliars made their home in the tower, such as Frank, his exceedingly comfy couch furniliar.

Transchanting

Transchanting is the process of turning a piece of furniture into a Furniliar. This process is not well explained by the literature, but from what has been gathered, it involves finding the Allsoul of an item and convincing it, through a series of drawn-out negotiations, to become active and to live. The best Elemenstors are generally better at haggling a deal with the Allsoul, usually by flat out lying. Stream Elemenstors tend to have the knack for this kind of transchanting, though as noted elsewhere, Stream Elemenstors are regarded as pussies, and nobody likes them.

Tribbits

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Page 897 of Aardnarsh’s Compendium (VII Edition*) describes the Tribbits as “Generally a small and slender race, with the body of a high plains wet-lizard and the face and neck of a fluffy kitten”. We also know from Rickett’s and Toby’s Guide (Volume 20) that although the Tribbits typically weigh less than one draughty, the larger of the species can reach nearly 4/11 of a rotary tiller. Their gangly (though often short and stubby) arms are almost always adorned with a crest of jewels that identify their bloodline, but sometimes not. Most Tribbets’ scales are a shade of bluish-green (though occasionally greenish-blue) in their youth, but gradually fade to a bright orange (or red) hue with attractive purple (or brown) highlights by the time they reach adulthood. The center of Tribbit life on Battel is the murky swamp known as The Dank. Many Tribbet clans inhabit The Dank including the famous Luskfish clan of Thithithmihos. The Tribbits of The Dank have pioneered a number of industries unique to the land of Battel and have made many important cultural contributions. For example, the Tribbit Mucksucking profession yields the highest output of Hydro-genified Slurry in the world, which was integral in the production of the renowned Dustcovers of Durin that have adorned some of the most famous Furniliars in history. Next to Hermes The Obtuse, perhaps the most well known Tribbit figure in the ELotH:TES is Horatio of the Luskfish clan. His epic adventure is chronicled in Tycho Brahe’s The Elementstor Cycle Book 1: The Fires of Mount Windice. Other Tribbits of note include Goldimaris of Blee featured in the novella The Last Days of Blee. *Astute readers will notice that Aardnarsh IV Edition has an illustration on page 916 that shows a creature with the body of a kitten and the face and neck of a high plains wet-lizard with a caption that reads “A playful Tribbit suns himself on Dinga Rock”. This caption was obviously incorrect, and should have read “The merciless and bloodthirsty Ikkystik stalks its next victim with unjust prejudice”. It was later corrected in the VII Edition of Aardnarsh as a footnote.

Fan Art

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http://elothtes.pbwiki.com/f/tribbit.JPG

TRotE

abbreviation for The Rise Of The Elemenstors.

Turnum

Turnum, the Smug Ape is a familiar of Dogus Brankorking, former Fire Elemenstor and now Wasted Elemenstor. He is a familiar, which is not to be confused with the magical companion of choice, the furniliar. He served Dogus for many years as drinking buddy and backer-up of drunken stories until he was dry humped to death with his master by the Tordingwall outside of the Pig’s Annoyance.

The Twelve Realms of Antior

The Magic Sword Kings Period saw the frenetic rise and fall of twelve mighty nations (listed in order of their destruction during the Vampyric Wars, as according to the novel The Twilight Vampyres) :

• K’th’ith’h (Lord B’gh’d fell in 850)

• The Kingdom of Parsonya (fell in 924)

• Morlond’s Field (surrendered utterly in 925)

• Shadia (fell in 939)

• The Kingdom of Yymp (fell in 942)

• Ithbarg (fell in 943)

• Ithbarg II (fell in 950)

• The Land of Thrown Fish (fell in 999 at the tail end of the Fumbling Offensive)

• Mandleclang (1003, destroyed in the last ditch offensive at the Chasm of Eternal Sorrow)

• Blee (1003)

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• Graha (1003)

• Kelembad (1003)

• Portund (Continually applied for, but were never able to at-tain, Twelve Realms Status; never destroyed.)

The kingdoms were ruled by The Kings Council, the governing body that included kings from each of the nations, presided over by a High King who sat on the throne of Mandleclang. Though many of these nations fought bravely, they all perished in the Vampyric Wars. Although Battal continued to be ruled by Magic Sword Kings for thousands of years, no period was quite so Epic and no empire quite so grand as the unity created by The Kings Council.

• See original map of Battal

Twisted Furniliars

Twisted Furniliars are Furniliars twisted by Dark Elemenstation. Much as the power of Death can be drawn upon to create undead, the power of Carry may “infect” ordinary furniture to create Twisted Furnil-iars. Dark Elemenstors use a combination of facets to manipulate the Stream and Carry in furniture; usually Blood and sometimes Unlight as well. (Any further discussion of the Dark Elemenstation techniques involved must not be spoken of.) Dark Elemenstors, being often outcasts from society, frequently draw upon natural furniture for their Twisted Furniliars (such as the Naturally Occuring Flying Wing Chairs).

Twisted Furniliars of Battal

The most notorious (if non-canonical) example of a Twisted Furniliar was the Vile Furniliar.

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Two legions of Twisted Furniliars appear in the ElamenSTAR episode 108, The Raging Waves of the Sea. These Furniliars are under the command of the bumbling Warchief Bogg, implying that they were in fact created by Char Reyarteb himself.

Other Furniliars Often Referred To As Twisted

Bathtub Furniliars

Bathtub Furniliars, though deeply disturbed, easily manipulated, and inexplicably possessing inhernet free will, are not correctly classed as Twisted Furniliars despite their storied alliance with Kapybara the Dark Elemenstrix. They are animated strictly through Stream Elemensta-tion and as such are well-intentioned misktakes, not deliberate perversions.

Nightstands

It is a matter of some debate as to whether Nightstand Furniliars are inherently Twisted. It is known that at least some rudimentary understanding of Blood is required to animate them, yet Carry Elemenstation is not necessarily employed in their creation. Most Elemenstors agree, however, that whether or not Nightstands are technically Twisted, it is always a bad idea to animate one.

The Infurnal

The infurnal are something of a conundrum. Technically, an infurnal may be created from the remains of either a Furniliar or a Twisted Furniliar—the original Elemenstation seems to have very little bearing on the infurnal “recreation.” Due to the Dark Elemenstation involved in creating an infurnal, they are often classed as Twisted Furniliars. The primary distinction drawn by those who like to draw distinctions is that Twisted Furniliars are generally animated from something inanimate but whole, while infurnals are shambling, loosely-bound constructs of wear, tear, and decay.

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Tycho Brahe

Acclaimed author, compulsive gambler, and self-proclaimed “God-King of Mesopotamia”, Tycho Brahe (November 18, 1978 – Unknown), affectionatly known as “Ptycho” to fans (for reasons never fully explained), is the reclusive author of the Epic Legends Of The Hierarchs: The Elemenstor Saga. Lost the animation rights in a high-stakes strip poker game, resulting in the Saturday morning series “The Wizbits” and a pilot grant for “Wizbits: Elemenstorial Adventures in the Lost Lands of Numbia,” later realized as an Argentenian soap opera titled Una Hora de Acción con los Wizbits! His marital status is a bit of confusion for longtime fans of Mr. Brahe. In some reports he is married, in some stories he is single, in one very confusing rumor he was said to have murdered his wife and replaced her with a bucket on wheels pulled by a string. This last rumor is, of course, ridiculous. Apart from his mother, Deidre Brahe, and his Mexican cousin Juan Brahe, he has no known relatives. According to Elothtes magazine, he is believed to have been in serious relationship with British star, Joan Collins, but that has been debunked by Mrs. Brahe, though not by Joan Collins. Speculation is that books 4-13 were actually written by as many as three different authors collaborating under the Tycho Brahe name. Little evidence has been put forward to support this hypothesis, however. (See: FfaTTBE) Some believe this as another cause for the drinking and pill binge of 1997. Some postulate that Tycho is just transcribing the events of the Epic Legends, as he found the Starborn Gem and is being used by it to see those past, epic and legendary tales. Others believe that the epic cycle is the product of a deep, soul-searing madness - a madness that allows him to see into the darkest corners of his mind and dredge up his most horribly primal urges which manifest themselves through his written word. There is ample evidence to support both theories. According to the followers of the idea of the Brahe Code, there are fundamental truths about the universe coded on the pages of the Elemenstor cycle. Tycho is also deeply religious. As a devout Moominist Pastafarian, he attempts to try and keep the teachings of his 2/9ths of God close to

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his heart at all times. The influence of his Moominist roots are plainly visible in his works, provided the reader knows what to look for. See Pastafarianism and The Elemenstor Cycle for more information. Tycho is notable for living without, or, more properly, will in the future, live for a brief time without the use of either of his naturally developed arms. Some say “He is already dead”, but they were fooled by his enemies. He KNOWS where the Beef is. Other Works He has also done some work in online syndication. These works cover the history of The Sundered Era, and include such memorable works as:

• The Unsung story of The Dyecast Nine

• A Trip to Grandma Beureau’s Place

• Beyond the Vale of the Ancients See Also:

• drinking and pill binge

• Fans for a True Tycho Brahe Epic

• Gabe

• Mike Krahulik

• Single Author Theory

• The Brahe Code

Having met Mr. Brahe, I can tell you that he is both a witty conversa-tionalist and a snappy dresser. He is indeed the author of all works attributed to his name, although due to certain contracts, he does not control the rights to most of his works.—Tyge Ottesen Realmworlds Publishing Legal Intern

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Tyge Ottesen

Your voice within the Realmworlds Publishing Family. A strong advocate of the community, and willing to give official comment (where legally allowable) on issues important to this community.—Tyge Ottesen Realmworlds Publishing Legal Intern

Tyrose

Tyrose was an unpopular background character who made his first appearance late in Book 1 and who returned for a short time in Book 3. In Book 1 Tyrose was a courtier and aspiring magician who provided some ill-timed comic relief. It is thought that when Tycho Brahe recieved angry hatemail regarding the character he brought Tyrose back for Book 3 (although it is never explicitly stated that they are the same character; it is generally assumed that they are). The Tyrose in Book 3 has apparently been demoted to court jester where he attempts to provide even more comic relief. He quickly becomes the victim of a Whatsinyeeargh and dies of blood loss shortly after. His cameo appearance and quick death in Book 3 is thought to be knowing commentary from Tycho Brahe to his burdgeoning fan-base, specifically: “I’ll write what I feel like, so back off or I’ll do to you what I did to this guy. I know where you live; you sent your adress in with your Fan Club application.”

Ublarg

A race of sentient tablecloths introduced in Book 3. Often seen as a sidekick to a dinner table Furniliar, the marketabiliy of Ublargs was not lost on the ELotH:TES merchandising armada.

Ubrith

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Ubrith is a companion of Ekezenthal, Zuumont, et al. She is best known for her quest to destroy Spiral Doom after it killed her lover, Jarvelos She is a quiet girl with golden skin, black eyes, and long, luxurious black curls. Her outfits all tend to be fairly gauzy. She has a cactus ferniliar. Do to the unresolved threads surrounding this character in canon literature, she is the central character in several works of Fan Fiction, such as Ubrith: The Untold Adventures and Chasing Death, which attempt to bring closure to her story line.

Fan Art

Ubrith: The Untold Adventures

Ubrith and the mysterious unresolved thread from Book 11 involving her quest for vengeance over her murdered lover is the subject of alot of Fan Fiction. This particular fic is fairly notorious because of the gratuitous use of sex. Basically, while continuing where her quest left off in Book 11, Ubrith is captured by slavers who bind her in Shackles of Null-Elements, which strip her of her abilities as an Elemenstor. She is then to be trained in the arts of a concubine, but manages an escape with a

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plucky slave girl named Lyssi. The two then embark on a series of very sexy misadventures. The story, though fairly well written, is considered poor by most fans who read it because it diverged too much from Ubrith’s established character in Book 11, and because she seems to forget about venge-ance over her dead lover about three paragraphs into the story. That said, the fic had a wide readership due to the sheer ammount of sexual activity that Ubrith engages in, as well as the very steamy lesbian bath-house orgy near the end.

Timeline

This story takes place firmly during the events of Book 12, which actually serve as a backdrop to Ubrith and Lyssi’s sexy misadventures.

Ubziz Forelock

A little-known hairdresser of no power and little prowess, mentioned in several books. He has only drawn any serious attention from fans and critics for the fact that he appears - however briefly - in books whose timelines span far beyond the normal lifetime of man or armoire. It is suspected that Ubziz is a Fancy Man, but this is a group not known for their unusually extended lifespan, so the source of his longevity must lay elsewhere. It is speculated that Ubziz is one of many eulithian resonance vector-related hiccups in the normal flow of Timenes.

Underpants of the Underdeep

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The origins of this terrifying and hirsute garment are lost in the mists of time. Presumably they originated in The Underdeep, perhaps crafted by minions of the Slightly Older Ones. It is known that they were used by the savage War Men during The Savage Brutality Of The War Men to subdue and torture unfortunate individuals from Arkleaf. Indeed, it is a description of this torture that caused the evil Gorg Stinkrot to initiate his quest to bring the undergarments once more into the light of day (see Book 5). Fortunately, neither Gorg Stinkrot, nor Felthar (who was sent after Gorg to foil his evil plan) ever laid their hands on the pants. However, Felthar did manage to trick Gorg into believing he’d found them. Gorg, realising that he was being tracked by Felthar, sum-moned a Dyemon from The Underdeep. Felthar, thinking quickly, whipped off his own underpants and vanquished the dyemon with them, “accidentally” dropping them in the process. Believing the garments to be the real Underpants of the Underdeep, Gorg grabbed them and ran, only realising his mistake several days later and after he had already covered his tracks by destroying his research. Dispirited and embarrassed, Gorg vowed never to seek the pungent garment again. The role-playing game expansion Return to Underpants campaign was apparently based on the events here, but apart from the name nothing else links it.

ELotH:TES Canon

The Underpants are mentioned in Book 5 and some of the seedier Fan Fiction.

Unlight

Unlight is a force of non-lightness. It is inherent everywhere in the universe; some believe it is a basic part of the Elmether, or that it flows forth from the Nastier Planes. Unlight can seep through any crack and taint any portion of air. Torches, light bulbs and Fire Elemanifestations drain the Unlight from an area, thus making sight possible within it.

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The Sun and the Bright Moons are also notable for their Unlight draining capabilities, although the Hidden Moon is a great source of Unlight. Unlight is one of the three facets of Dark Elemenstation, along with Blood and The Unspeakable. It is therefore sometimes considered one of the “dark” Elements that make the forbidden techniques of Wrack and Witherance possible.

References

In Book 12 we see the Portmanteau of Gespechio, which had been sealed on a higher plane of the Elmether by one of the Hierarchs (whether it’s actually Gespechio is still debated). As a result of its sealing, it contained no Unlight within it, and thus was able to keep some Cheese Squiggles fresh for millennia. This implied that the force of Unlight has some connection with decay.

The Unlight War

spans from 26,788 - 27,522 (TUE)

“This land will forever be ruled from my Throne of Tears, forever to be bathed in the Unlight of my celestial crown... forever to be the submissive donkey of my will.”—Vhadxi, from ELotH:EL:TDoUS Part 2

Introduction

Deep in the bowels of the Chasm of Eternal Sorrow, the Vampyre Lord Vhadxi slumbered in his CryptoCrypt, until an Epic earthquake tore the crypt asunder. Vhadxi wasted no time recovering his Fell Blade and rebuilding his army to once again attempt to conquer Battal.

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Timeline Events

• 26,780 - A catastrophic earthquake rocks Battal, splitting open the CryptoCrypt and releasing the dread Vampyre Lord Vhadxi.

• 26,788 - The Vampyre Lord Vhadxi raises an army of Vam-pyres and leads them into battle. Having never encountered Elemenstion before, when he is met by an band of Elemen-stors, he greatly underestimates them and is quickly defeated in the Battle of an Unbelievably Easy Victory. The Vampyre Lord flees.

• 26,795 - Taking time to pick through the ruins of library in the Cerulean Citadel, Vhadxi learns of the art of Elemensta-tion that has emmerged since his long slumber.

• 26,797 - Vhadxi begins building a new Vampyre army, this time choosing those with the Knack, and building a sizable group of Unlight Elemenstors.

• 26,803 - Vhadxi resurrects his general Mo-pi, who he found still staked to the top of The Impossible Spire. Vhadxi, who has learned of The Clockwork Fortress sends Mo-pi there to round up a band of Battal’s most hardened, evil, and deranged kill-ers.

• 26,808 - Mo-pi returns with The Twelve Twisted Evil, a group of psychopathic Dark Elemenstors, serial killers, and fiends that were imprisioned in The Clockwork Fortress. He has changed them all into Vampyres, and it is this group which becomes the new generals for Vhadxi’s growing army.

• 26,958 - For 150 years, Vhadxi has strengthened his army, based out of area surrounding the Chasm of Eternal Sorrow and The Clockwork Fortress.

• 26,960 - Vhadxi, meditating in an affordable ElfStop inn, identifies the Elves of Battal as the most likely threat against his rise to power, and instructs his generals to begin a cam-paign of terror and destruction against the elves, begin with small raids, but increasing in boldness and intensity.

• 26,983 - The Reunified Elfish Council of Elven Factions conviens in order to mount a resistance to the Vampyre threat. Bor-der skirmishes reported in most Elvin territories are worry-ing to most members of the council.

• 26,984 - The Falconriders of the Dim Elves enjoy a decisive victory in the Battle of Terrible Vampyre Tactics.

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• 26,985 thru 27,480 - Vhadxi and Mo-pi travel together throughout the lands, lending their skills in battle and strategery to the Vampyre Armies. Across Battal, Elven Strongholds fall to the forces of the Vampyric Hordes.

• 26,985 - A spear-carrier battallion of Extremely Elves is wiped out by Arkus of The Twelve Twisted Evil and his horde of Dyre Wolfbats, the first major defeat for the forces of light in the Unlight War.

• 26,986 - Most of the Dim Elf Falconriders are wiped out by Armba Alomba and the army of Dark Whiffle Vampyres that she commands, few take notice.

• 26,986 - Dark Lord Prick’d of the Twelve, striking the dark bassal gear of his own devising known as Unlight’s Eternal Decay, begins his successful campaign against the Mean Elves, leading an army of Folded Paper Armor Knights.

• 26,988 - Hij Polonowanabenshi, taking the form of a Soulferic Bat, infiltrates the Forest Woods of the Witch-Elves, sowing the seeds of mistrust from the inside, before bringing his Vampyre Dark Elemenstor army in force.

• 26,992 - Gunter the Flick, Vampyre General and one of the Twelve, leads his Agash Brigade into Aasanarra’iaryl, the land of the Elf-Witches, and engages the elves there in a series of escalatingly violent matches of Agash to determine the fate of their kingdom.

• 26,999 - Three of the Twisted Twelve travel to The Sickle to search for lesser known elven tribes.

• 27,042 - Vampyre General Grey Half-a-Brow, another of The Twelve Twisted Evil, along with brothers Enxim Ott and Wbzun Ott lead their armies of Unlight Elves from the Underkingdom of Grth’lwythlnn (a kingdom whose entrance was reopened by the massive quake) in a battle against The Darkmarch Elven.

• 27,044 - The final member of The Twelve Twisted Evil, Peter, accidentally recruited by Mo-pi dispite a distinct lack of any evil tendancies, manages to slip out unnoticed and seek a destiny altogether apart from the grim business of warcraft.

• 27,391 - After 347 years of bloody battles on multiple fronts, The Reunified Elfish Council of Elven Factions realizes that even the proud and independant races of the elves can-not win this battle alone and dispatch their fleetest Elven Messengers to locate the four Grand Elemenstors (scattered around Battal after the destruction of the Cerulean Citadel and

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providing aid and relief to destroyed kingdoms) and to search for additional allies.

• 27,399 - Divided amonst themselves, the Witch-Elves are defenseless against the attack of Hij Polonowanabenshi, and mostly are wiped out. Too late Hij realizes that Witch-Elves are probably not technically elves, in the strictest traditional sense.

• 27,400 Gunter the Flick defeats Wylayer’rinnya, Elven Witch Queen, in a final winner-take-all round of Agash, and the orderly dismantling of Aasanarra’iaryl begins.

• 27,410 - Dark Lord Prick’d finally reaches Great Gan-dandersanden, the capital of the Mean Elves.

• 27,422 - Armba Alomba leads an attack against the High-Elves, who are unable to mount a proper defense. Alomba’s forces sweep through the High-Elvin Crop Fields, burning them as they go. The resulting Grey-Purple Cloud renders most of Alomba’s forces lethargic and unmotivated.

• 27,448 - Enxim Ott and Wbzun Ott lead a group of Vampyres that begin the systematic destruction of ElfStops across Bat-tal.

• 27,480 - In a surprising display of undwarvenly compassion for a fellow magical race, Ablongox the Particularly Unusually Long Lived, Forge-King of the Dwarves, declares Kranakakrak against the Vampyres.

• 27,485 - Goldimaris Irregulars from Blee arrive to fight the Vampyre menace.

• 27,490 - Four Grand Elemenstors arrive, throwing their might into the fray, Gilbert Bumflare the Grand Elemenstor of Fire brings The Greatstaff of Burning.

• 27,499 - Joining the forces of good, Elemenstors of Horth, with their formidable bedroom Furniliars and Bedding Golems

• 27,504 - Most of the Vampyre forces are driven back by the combined Army of Elves and Allies, beat back to their strong-hold, The Clockwork Fortress.

• 27,510 - Mo-pi reappears after a 30 year absence, wielding the Wand of Unlight!

• 27,515 - The Kingdom of Parsonya falls to the Vampyre Le-gions, as the Vampyre forces, under Mo-pi begin again to expand their territories.

• 27,521 - the Most Epic and Climactic Battle of the War of Unlight sees the defeat of Mo-pi and Vampyre Lord Vhadxi. Without

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the key strategists and leaders, the Twisted Twelve fall quickly.

• 27,522 - The end of the War of Unlight

Notes

The Journey of Wolfgang Apprentice is set in this era, but is merely the backdrop for a more personal tale, and the major characters of the story do not play key roles in the outcome of this conflict.

Unresolved Threads

There are many plotline that never get satisfactorilly summed up throughout the series. For some, this was author Tycho Brahe brilliantly allowing us to fill in the gaps, or solve the mysteries based on obscure clues left throughout the series. For others, this only fuels the controversy over whether or not Brahe wrote the series on his own (Single Author Theory), or not (FfaTTBE). Listed here by book are some of the more interesting unresolved plotlines throughout the series, as well as some theories and debate over them.

Book 7

The Disappearance of the Holy Hoagie

Book 7 makes passing reference to the disappearance of The Holy Hoagie, the existence of which had been previously discussed in Book 5. The Holy Hoagie is never mentioned again in the series; it’s fate, and if it was really of any importance, is left a mystery. Most fans are unconcered with this particular loose end.

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Book 10

The Recliner of Botany and Guddboy Lad

One of the more interesting Furniliars in Book 10 is the Recliner of Botany, who never appears at the same time as Guddboy Lad. This mystery was confounded by the fact that Guddboy Lad and the Recliner of Botany seem to each have information that the other would have learned, but they themselves were never present to learn themselves. This link was never explained. Some believe is was simply bad editing, others thought that Guddboy Lad and the Recliner of Botany may have been the same person... which makes little sense as one is human, and the other a recliner. The most common belief is that the Recliner of Botany and Guddboy Lad shared some kind of psychic link from their past. This theory has been deeply explored in various Fan Fiction offerings, but no official answer was ever stated.

Book 11

The Fate of The Eight Elemental Cont-structs

Book 11 introduces us to The Eight Elemental Constructs, and a great deal is made out of how epic and powerful they are. But as the Hierarch Wars wrap up in Book 12, only three of them are dealt with “on camera”. The Ambulatator, Skullmar and Black Flame are the only three that are defeated. This has led to a great deal of speculation on what became of the other five Constructs. A great deal of Fan Fiction has been written in an effort to tie up this loose end, but ultimately there is very little canonical information that tells us of their ultimate fate.

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Ubrith, Jarvelos and Spiral Doom

Books 10 through 12 of the series detail the infamous Hierarch Wars, but the completeness of the plotlines is very questionable, and the best example is this particular thread. The Story of Ubrith, Jarvelos and Spiral Doom is quite probably one of the most famous unresolved plots in the series. Early in Book 11, the Dark Elemenstors unleash The Eight Elemental Constructs. The first of these we meet is Spiral Doom, and the Con-struct of Air engages in a rather epic battle with Elemenstors Ubrith and Jarvelos. Alas, Jarvelos is killed, and Spiral Doom escapes. Ubrith vows to avenge her falled lover, Jarvelos, and spends the rest of Book 11 on a personal quest of vengeance. Indeed, entire chapters are devoted to her search, and she became one of the more popular characters in the series. Unfortunately, Book 12 never resolves the plotline. Ubrith and Spiral Doom don’t even appear in the final book of the Hierarch Wars, and we are left wondering what became of them. Like so many of the unresolved threads, the fans have tried to speculate on what became of Ubrith, but there is no official canon as to her ultimate fate.

Valedaleglenhill

This village in the northeastern part of The Shield was subject to massive geological upheavals during both The Sundering and The Unsundering as well as many smaller upheavals, resulting in its confusing name. As of the beginning of Book 7, it is more of a glen than it is a vale, dale, or hill, but towards the end it is distinctly more of a dale. The village is administered by the Council of Elders and Betters, a group of frail old men and easily frightened farmers, who decide that when the village comes under threat by the Tentacled Ancient Beast Yamshothog to send “three foolish children” through the trecherous Lands of Va

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to Elddim’s Peak where they might inlist the aid of a conclave of Elemenstors known to be found there.

Vampyre Pyre of Puppy Meat

The Vampyres are not pleasant peopleoids. Case in point: their vampyre pyre o’ puppy meats, mainly done for show and for the lulz. Whenever the Vampyres wish to make a point to their neighbors (and their impressionable, easily-scarred and/or easily-scared children) reguarding how truly Epically vicious they are, they round up some puppies and do the deed.

Vampyres

Vampyres were immortal beings of corrupted evil. They were known to don capes and make grand, theatric speeches. They eventually perished in the Vampyric Wars, but not before taking down the twelve realms with them. Their legendary bloodlust is only matched their desire to seduce human females or/whilst lighting vampyre pyres of puppy meat.

Vampyrism is spread through a bite to the collarbone. Vampyric energies mingle with the victim’s blood and the transformation is complete in mere hours. Symptoms of Vampyrism include hissing, berating others for their foolishness, irritability, drymouth, and enhanced night vision. If you or anyone you know thinks they may be a Vampyre, it would be wise to direct them to the helpful tome So You’ve Become a Vampyre. There is also a quarterly publication available, Vampyrism Today.

It probably could go without mention, but Vampyres have unusual strength, surprising speed, and startling visual accuity. The physical capabilities vary between indivuals, but generally a Vampyre should be considered quite a formidable opponent. Additionally, some Vampyres are known to be able to speak to animals, change shape, or otherwise manifest supernatural abilities.

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It should probably also be noticed that most domesticated animals have a crazed unreasoning terror of Vampyres which can not be tamed or broken. Dogs become feral, horses would sooner plunge from a cliff or beat itself to death against a tree than be in the presense of a Vampyre. The notable exception to this of course is Donkeys, which appear to not mind Vampyres one tiny bit, and it can be said that the feeling is mutual.

Periodically there are rumors of Vampyric ressurections, but there has been no Vampyre nations greater than the armies led by Vhadxi.

It is believed that Vampyrism itself is semi-artificial, created by a confluence of blood, Blood, and Death elemenstation. The process is similar (though unrelated) to that used to create the Vile Automata, although the Automata required the use of Wood Element in the place of blood, and Carry in the place of Death. Besides those simple substitutions, the chief difference is that Vampyrism are undead created using a living or recently-dead host, while Golems are infurnals created from fully destroyed/inanimate raw materials. Because of what is known about the elemanifestations driving the Vampyres, it is believed that there must be one or more Dark Rubian crystals that fuel the evil hearts of all Vampyres. While the theory is sound, no evidence of the existence of such crystals exists. While not actual vampyres, there are several young and disenfran-chised peasant youths in the land of Battal that call themselves such. They are to be distinguised from actual Vampyres as they are total pussies and will run from a fight, have no super powers, and spend much of their time listening to bad music and adding spikes to their black peasant frocks. They are beleived to be the prime originators of the trenchcoat, which is suprisingly cool, all things considered.

Vampyric Wars

The Vampyric Wars began in the year 803. The beginnings of the war lie shrouded in mystery, but it is generally agreed that the instigator was the mighty Vampyre Lord, Vhadxi, wielder of Fell Blade. The

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immortal vampyre had amassed an army tens of thousands strong, burning and pillaging the lands of the twelve realms. Coming at a time of internal strife in many of the realms, entire nations fell before their organized onslaught. With every fallen nation, the ranks of the Vampyres swelled.

A council consisting of delegates from Graha, Mandleclang, and Blee convened to attempt to unite to meet the Vampyric threat, but unbeknownst to the nations, the Vampyre agent Radamarst infiltrated their conference. Radamarst spread discontent and distrust amongst the delegations, ensuring the twelve realms division and conquest.

The first slowing of the vampyric onslaught was the betrayal by Vhadxi’s queen, Adhnaten. Not content to play second fiddle in Vhadxi’s vast empire, she stabbed him during a moment of intimacy and claimed the throne as her own. The ensuing conflict between loyalists to Vhadxi or Adhnaten stalled the growth of the empire. Vhadxi was not really dead, however, and soon rose from his dreadcoffin and deposed his treacherous queen. No one is sure what happened to her, but it is said that her tortured screams and sensous moans could be heard from the dungeon in Vhadxi’s citadel of Blackest Minathok.

Eventually the forces of the nation of Kelembad launched a last-ditch assault on the vampyric forces. The army of Kelembad took advantage of the rare stellar alignment of the Moon with the constellation O’nv’ience’C, allowing them to battle the Vampyric forces under no less than eight solid months of an unwaning full moon (Note: For those readers who have been negligant in their readings, Vampyres are most vulnerable under the light of the full moon, as was explained in Chapter 7c of Book 6 of The Elemenstor Cycle). This epicest of epic struggles (for its time) culminated in a pitched battle at the Chasm of Eternal Sorrow. The leaders of Kelembad found that Vhadxi’s unlife was too strong, and he could not be killed. There was hastily constructed, after the end of the war, the massive CryptoCrypt to contain him. This was yet one more horror to be hidden deep in the Chasm of Eternal Sorrow, and it was long indeed before Vhadxi rose again. This calamity destroyed the last remaining nations of the twelve realms, but finally brought the vampyric threat to an end.

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It is said that to this day that, in the Chasm of Eternal Sorrow, a kind-hearted child can hear the howls of the Footstool Brigade as they throw themselves off Lemmings’ Bluff to avoid surrending their talents to the dark mahogany stains of the mighty Vampyre Lord, Vhadxi.

The fall of the twelve realms of Antior is largely chronicled in The Twilight Vampyres, a book in the The ElemenstorLance Series. The first chapter of the book was printed in ELotH:TES Magazine under the title of The Vampyric Wars Begin three months before the full novel was published. It is believed that the entire rest of the novel was written in that three months. The final days of the war are chroni-called in Garth Ennis Presents: The Vampyric Wars

Excerpt from The Vampyric Wars Begin

It was year 790, early evening, in a large torch lit circular chamber known as the High Vault, the meeting place of The Kings Council. Two kings stood and spoke in hushed tones, awaiting the arrival of the others. ”You are not the man your father was, Ronard,” a tired and somehow stretched looking Draxle said to the other king. He continued in a hushed tone, “These are dark times and the storm clouds of war gather on the horizon. There are those within my court who wish to steal my throne from me and other enemies are drawing near. I fear that I shall not much longer sit on the throne of The Vampyre Kingdom.” ”Don’t speak of such things, old one. The alliances that stand between our nations have put an end to war as it once was. Not for nigh on a thousand years has there been mighty battles which have raged across the face of The Greater Island. The alliances will hold.”

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Excerpt from Peter and the Vam-pyre

Peter pushed open the heavy stone doors and golden rays of sunlight flooded into the crypt. The light stabbed into his eyes and left him temporarily blinded, but it did not cut into his skin. There was no searing pain, this light, this intense, holy, untouchable light, a thing to be respected, feared, and longed for by his kind warmed his body and gave strength to his weary soul. His raised his arms and held his arms in front of his face to sheild his eyes. He looked about and saw the grounds in a misty, bluegrey dawn, a way in which he had never seen his sire’s grounds before. The vibrant purple violets that grew between the weeds, the green in the grasses that grew up around the house. On the horizon, the sunrise, a firey halfcircle of luminescence crowned in orange and gold. A smile came to his dry, cracked lips, for the first time in untold ages. What was it that his sire had called sunlight? Ah.. Michael’s Fire.

Important Vampyres of the Vampyric Wars include:

• Lord Vhadxi, leader of the Vampyres

• Adhnaten, former consort of Lord Vhadxi

• Radamarst, Vampyre spy

• Mo-pi, Vampyre general and one-time possessor of the Ne-crowombicon

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Vhadxi

The Vampyre Lord credited with organizing the forces of the corrupted dead to lay waste to the twelve realms. It is generally agreed that he came to power because he had a longer cape and made more theatrical speeches than the other Vampyres. Vhadxi’s person philosophies and tenants of vampire culture came to form the Cult of Dark Destruction. Which continued to sow evil down the ages. Vhadxi’s stronghold was known as Blackest Minathok and it stood on the cliffs overlooking the southernmost edge of The Shield. True to his Vampyric nature, Vhadxi kept several mistresses in addition to his queen, Adhnaten. Some human, some vampyre, some neither, his tastes ran to the exotic. His greatest pleasure was the game of seduction. He would toy with his mistresses for months at a time, discarding them when the thrill died. His sensous conquests will be the subject of an upcoming novel series, The Castle of the Vampyre Lord. Also, Vhadxi’s possession of the notorious Fell Blade indicates that he was once a Magic Sword King himself! Sources differ on what could have caused him to turn to evil, but undoubtedly his experience as a monarch and intimate knowledge of the politics of the twelve realms contributed to make him an even greater threat than he would have been otherwise. His greatest failure as a leader was failing to understand that since Vampyres have no real economy amongst themselves, it is insensible to attempt to tax them by means other than accepted currency, which they have no use for anyway. Perhaps his greatest legacy, despite the terrors he wreaked upon Battal, was his invention of Battal Universal Standard Time, a system of reckoning widely used right up until The Ending Times. During his second bid for control of Battal, Vhadxi made great use of dark elemenstors. It is unclear if Vhadxi himself ever actually learned elemenstation or merely learned much about elemenstation. There is no specific mention of him having the knack. His various and sundry

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supernatural powers may have been elemenstation based, or merely attributed to his substantial Vampyric powers.

Lord Vhadxi’s Personal Timeline

• Unknown - Founds the Cult of Dark Destruction

• Unknown - Fed up with latecomers to meetings of his new cult, declares Battal Universal Standard Time

• Unknown - Introduces the Puppy Meat Tax

• 799 - Partly responsible for The C’nf’s’ng Trade Dispute. Due to Vhadxi’s misunderstanding it was agreed that the Vam-pyres would be allowed to inhabit the mines beneath G’nth’l in exchange for exclusive distribution rights to Vampyric Freezees in the Twelve Realms

• 801 - Wrestes control of The Vampyre Kingdom from Overseer Drihzxi, and does away with the title of Overseer, preferring to be known simply as Vampyre Lord.

• 803 - Declares war on the Twelve Realms

• In the same year, the Vampyric Wars begin

• 850 - Kills Lord B’gh’d. This leads to the fall of K’th’ith’h

• 903 - Betrayed by his wife Adhnaten

• 904 - Revived by his dreadcoffin

• In the same year, disposes of his treacherous wife Adhnaten

• 1003 - Bests King Pomcloud in single combat Leads to the fall of Graha

• In the same year, he is finally defeated by the armies of the Twelve Realms. His unlife is too great to be vanquished en-tirely but the armies manage to seal him within the CryptoCrypt in the depths of the Chasm of Eternal Sorrow

• These cataclysmic events plunge Battal into the period known as The Wandering Age. Vhadxi remains sealed in his tomb for more than 25,000 years

• 26,780 - Released from the CryptoCrypt by an Epic earth-quake

• 26,780 to 26,788 - Has a thoroughly Vampyric yawn and stretch, then wastes no time in raising an army to begin The Unlight War

• 26,795 - Learns the art of Elemenstation (or at least learned much about Elemenstation)

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• 26,808 - Creation of The Twelve Twisted Evil at the hands* of Mo-pi

• 27,521 - Defeated by the combined power of The Reunified Elfish Council of Elven Factions, his dark power finally leaves the face of Battal for good

See the timelines for The Magic Sword Kings Period and The Unlight War for a broader overview of his military campaigns

This entry could definately use some fleshing out. -tim

Haha! I get it! -SamSim

• Technically “at the teeth of”

Vile Worm

Vile Worm was the most vile of The Eight Elemental Constructs, representing the perverted force of elemental Life. Vile Worm appeared as a giant, bulbous, asexual tenticled worm, dripping with mold, fungus and disease. Wherever it slithered, terrible mutated plantlife would erupt from the ground, shooting spores and pollen in every direction, and terrible mutated insects would slither from it’s pores to sting it’s foes. It was truly an epic beast. Attuned to the very power of Life, it was impossible to kill Vile Worm by conventional means, as it would just promptly revive itself when it was killed, as it did after being slain by Elemenstor Zuumont for the first time during Book 11. Indeed, in the canon storyline, Vile Worm is never permanently killed. After it’s first appearance in Book 11, we only hear accounts of its destructive rampage towards Terle, but never actually find out if it reaches it’s destination, nor of its ultimate fate. Several Fan Fiction

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authors tried to guess as to what ultimately befell this Construct. Most notable is the story Splitting the Worm.

Highest peak in the Wang Mountains. This peak was the site of an epic struggle in Book 4 of The Elemenstor Cycle, wherein the grizzled Sotar Olderndirt, with the aid of his end table furniliar, Bom, single-handedly stopped a legion of War Men from returning to the surface. This was followed by what fans have agreed is one of the most poignant parts of the entire saga. Sotar, his mind finally broken by the ravages of Elemenstation and old age, descends rapidly into senility, starts calling Bom by the wrong name, and ultimately walks off a cliff, foreshadow-ing the end of Princess Crystalcrown at Mount Wor. Many believe that Sotar was actually in the throes of an ill-timed prophetical vision and was trying to pass a message on to Bom, whom he referred to as “Princess”. Sadly, Bom’s days were ended after he accidentally visited an auction and was sold and refinished.

Wang Mountains

An epic mountain-range in Western Battal. Its most prominent feature is Mt Wang, which is the tallest and most phallic of all the mountains in the range. The Wang Mountains are the ancestral stronghold of the Deathrider Ninja Clan. The mountains are named after the Wangs, the first race to inhabited these lands. Wang civilization reached it’s pinnacle during The Wandering Age, also known as the Wang Era, during which the Wang Kingdom came into being. See Also: Tales of the Wang Mountains

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The Wang Mountain Range, epic in it’s scope and grandeur

The War Men

(Shokurung: Shokurung’onk)

A race of diminuitive, bearded psychopaths, living only for war and conquest, hailing from the underground Savage Barrenlands. Previously completely closed off from the outside world, passages to the surface of The Sickle were opened by the tremendous upheaval of The Sundering. Soon, raiding parties of War Men were terrorising the land. Many was the village that was burned, and its inhabitants enslaved, by a band of War Men mounted upon their fearsome Bitterscorpion steeds. During the period known as ‘The Unsundering’, the War Men contin-ued their reign of terror, their underground tunnels granting them access to even the most fortified of locations. In 15,548, a band led by Kundo Maaa - the mightiest, burliest War Man of the period - attacked Castle Whitecrag, murdered the Benevolent Archduke, and stole the legendary Pendant of Many Seasons. This act so struck fear into the leaders of the Sickle that they were forced to sue for peace - in 15,555 the Barrenlands Charter was signed, granting the War Men an aboveground realm that would become known as the Desolate Plains. However, this state of relative peace was not to last. During the final

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tumult of The Unsundering, the Desolate Plains were laid to (even more) waste, and huge sections of the Savage Barrenlands collapsed upon themselves. Shamed and homeless in the newly reunited Battal, the War Men were approached by the sinister Char Reyarteb. Exerting the power of his Starborn Gem, Reyarteb restored the Barrenlands. In exchange, the War Men would serve as soldiers in his dark armies. This unholy alliance lasted for many millenia to come. Many cultures where consumed by the terrible wrathe of the Warn Men. The once-proud Arkleaf, home to an advanced culture, was destroyed during the Siege of Arkleaf. Unfortunately, the violent excesses of the War Men, so vividly described by Tycho Brahe in his ‘Elemenstor Cycle’ were deemed unsuitable for the animated series ‘The Wizbits’. This resulted in such memorable mis-steps as introducing the bumbling Warchief Bogg, along with his incompetent cronies Knuckles and Toasty, as recurring adversaries and comic relief in the series. In stark contrast to the previously established history of the War Men, these misguided but ultimately lovable blunderers desired nothing more than a constant home and big dinners. In fact, in several episodes of the series - notably Bumble Rumble (Part 2) - Bogg, Knuckles and Toasty aided the Wizbits in their epic quest, provoking the rage of their cruel, manipulative master Reyarteb.

Culture

While the War Men are known for their brutal nature, there are hints that they might have devolved from a more peaceful civilization. They are frequently described as using such culinary weapons as War Whisks and Battle Spatulas (called Batula by the primitive, monosyl-labic War Men). It is suspected that the ancient War Men culture regarded cooking as the center of society, and was driven to savage brutality when their Spice Mines were tapped out. There are occasional references made to the Arugula Wars. A favorite dish of the War Men is their own savage form of grits. War Men speak in The War Men’s Brutal, Guttural War-Tongue, a brutal, guttural language used mostly for war. The War Men have a primitive religion, which they call Grishak’hiki. Some War Men organise themselves into the Clans of the War Men.

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During the time when the brutal War-Men were at their peak, a small band of foolish and/or courageous Elemenstors journeyed forth to study them in their natural environment. One of the Elemenstors was quoted to say: “Crikey! War men look alot like Dwarves...in-fact...” But then the hapless band happened to be trampled by and then beaten into a pulp by the band of War-Men they had been observing. The experiment has not been repeated since. War Men Fanart by Rhok:

Warrior Chefs of Battal

Many groups in Battall have a history as storied and rich with legend as the Warrior Chefs of Battal. The Warrior Chefs are, as their name implies, Warriors. They are also, as the name also implies, Chefs.

Journeys of Alton Longsword

The Warrior Chefs were founded early in the history of Battal, when Alton Longsword, having just been humiliated in one-on-one combat with one hundred and fourteen separate instruments of battle, eleven farm implements, three types of writing implements, and then savagely beaten with a nearby rooster, swore off conventional weapons. As recorded,

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Anger coursed through him, daring his hands to reach out for the nearest weapon, but his eyes still stung, his arms ached, and somewhere, he could hear that rooster clucking softly, as though waiting. Suddenly inspiration suddenly flashed through him. Rising to his feet, Alton thrust his fists to the sky, and swore the oath, the oath of his destiny. Though the weapons of war betray me, I will be feared, if not for my flashing blade, then for my cooking!

With that statement, Alton Longsword died, and the first of the Warrior Chefs was born. For years he trained in the desert, dueling spatula to spatula with the pancake masters in the east, training his reflexes until he could gut a fishy trout in as it leapt from the stream, scale, fry and serve it so quickly that only the skeleton landed back in the water. To the Wang Kingdom he journeyed, where he learned the Way of the Wok, and became the first man to master Spagetti Boxing in over a hundred years.

Gathering of the Chefs - The Bronze Age

Alton’s fame began to grow, and everywhere he went, his Battle Skillets slung over his back, people whispered in the shadows, Food’s come to town. Soon others joined his quest, Short Fry, master of the Griddle, Mom, whose meat loaf was said to induce bowel convul-sions even in the Quilp, and Emerill D’gustion, who pioneered the art of cooking Red Turbo Swamp Slime Raccoons.

The Night of Broken Pots

Alton began to accumulate enemies, with every Quiche he served, and every Pasta boiled, his enemies grew more numerous. Chief among these was Rahy Krok of McDonaldonia. Fortunately for Alton, and unfortunately for his enemies, many of the new Warrior Chefs were as good at battle as they were at baking (Not least of these was Bjorn Burning Bun, who was better at both than he was at

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either), and as fast as they arrived, assassins dropped dead. Some died of cholesterol poisoning, others of heart failure. Most died at the table, unable to walk away from the deadly delectables. The Warrior Chefs grew comfortable, and were completely shocked when the Macdonaldonians Secret Police, the Mcstapo, raided their camp one night, slaughtering the Chefs in what would be known as the Night of Broken Pots. To this day, this remains the greatest tragedy in their history. Each Year, the Chefs gather to observe a moment of silence, and smash a pot (preferably on a Macdonaldonian’s head) to commemorate this.

Founding of Teflonicus – The Cast Iron Age

Soon it became clear that there was no safe place for a Warrior Chef in Battal, no place to hang a pot without someone casting a curse on it, no baking oven thick enough to turn away the enemies, so the Warrior Chefs migrated to the northern plains above Mount Wor, where they created the Teflonicus, the City of Chefs, known chiefly for its ten thousand ride through restaurants, each large enough to serve a battalion, and it’s Kitchen Stadiation, where the Warrior Chefs engaged in their own unique form of Gladiation.

Rise of the Council – The Teflon Age

Alton died at the ripe old age (for a Warrior Chef) of 48, and per his dying wish, his ashes were ground up in the great pepper shakers that hold the gates to the city. It is recommended that visitors to the City of Chefs use the prepackaged pepper. With Alton’s death, the Warrior Chefs recon the beginning of the Teflon Age. Amid the confusion and fear that followed the death of their beloved leader, a Council of Cooks arose to govern the city, regulate the silverware used, and maintain the menus.

Feeding the Fires of War

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Throughout the history of Battal, the Warrior Chefs have been present to feed the fires of War. Without them, the War Lords of The Great War Of The Warlords would not have had the energy to fight. In fact, the warlords, camped about the base of Mount Wor, gathered each morning in Teflonicus to enjoy a fine breakfast of Peep Eggs and Raccoon Bacon, as well as camaraderie, before going out to slaughter each other.

Head Chefs

Chief among the head chefs was Magnus Silver Spatula, who, with Harmak the Horny, negotiated an end to the Great War of the Warlords, which, while good for business, was bad for Warlords. The short order cooks tell tales that say Magnus was born wielding a Spatula, and a Cleaver (much to the harm of his mother). He donned the sacred Cook’s Apron at the unprecedented age of 14, and won his Chef’s Hat by holding the first Ice Cream Barbeque, in the heart of Mount Windice. Magnus was said to have spared the life of one of the Warlords, Marat. The tale goes that when Magnus learned of how Harmak intended to end the War by giving away Quilder to settle the debt that began the War, he chose Marat to live, because Marat had cleaned his plate the day before. Feeding Marat a purposefully undercooked Fishy Trout, Magnus ensured that Marat would be unable to walk the next day, let alone accept the deadly gifts. Magnus also forged the Rusted Spoon of Discontent, supposedly because an opponent said ”Eat your heart out!”, to which Magnus replied with his ever present wit, “No, YOU eat your heart out.” He then made his opponent eat his own heart out. If nothing else, Magnus always carried through with his promises.

Wasted Elemenstor

The Grand Elemenstor of Alcohol is generally given this title. Strangly the Grand Elemenstor of Alcohol is usually amoung the least in-tune with his Element amoung his peers. see Wasted Elemenstors

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Wasted Elemenstors

Also see Elemenstors: An Introduction An Elemenstor that has “fallen from the cloth” as it were. They are former Elemenstors that have decided to spend their nights recount-ing their adventerous tales to pubs full of adoring bar wenches and patrons. They no longer use their powers for anything productive, but rather live comfortably off of their own fame (and sometimes that of others).

Water

Water is one of the basic four elements of creation, and thus of High Elemensta-tion. It represents change, intuition, girliness, slipperiness, blue things, and car commercials. Its symbol in the CCG is the Droplet.

Water is represented symbolically in the Weighty Tome of Elemenstor by scantily clad nymphs with dazed looks in their half-lidded eyes. Water Elemanifestations can summon sea creatures or shuffle the configu-ration of the board. Water-aligned creatures tend to have moderate reflexes, low or high attitude (depending on the phase of the moon), and abilities dependent on myriad dies and counters (usually colored blue, but red if you’re a nonconformist or concerned about “looking gay”). A Water Elemenstor is also known as a Moistener and is the second most common and popular type of element studied by Elemenstors (defeating Earth in a surprise upset, but unable to beat out the vastly

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more popular Fire.)

is the ancient character the Hierarchs used for writing the word Water. It is often woven into the clothes of Water Elemenstors, or printed in their magical items. The character is part of the typeface used in printing the Elemenstor Cycle books and often appears in place of the word water when referring to Water Elemenstation. Related

• Elements

• Air


• Fire

• Earth

• Heart (Debated)

• Life

• Death

• Stream

• Carry

• The Four Vales

Aren’t there Elemenstor symbols for the Ur-Elements present in the character designs for The Wizbits?

Weighty Tome of Elemenstor

Describes The Hierarchy, from before the Darkstorm and the destruc-tion of The Four Vales up to the beginning of the The Magic Sword Kings Period. The book also serves as the holy text for Vuksveufa.

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Originally Oral tradition until Brother Dranor wrote it down durring The Magic Sword Kings Period. Quotes from the Tome are liberally sprinkled throughout the series, especially in the chapter headings of Book 9. They also occur quite frequently in cards for the CCG, especially the Sound: Be Gone set. It is rumored that the Tome will be released in its entirety in paperback in 2008.

Wenches

While there is much talk of wenches throughout the history Battal, there is still some confusion as to what exactly classifies someone as a wench. Wenches are, generally speaking, peasant women of a special variety. They’re known to often lure men into their beds through the use of ale and other alcoholic beverages. Wenches usually mean no harm to the men that they have enthralled, and are just after a good time like everyone else. The term ‘wench’ can be either an insult or compliment, depending on whom it is directed towards, and the amount of ale consumed by that person. Typical names for wenches include:

• Tarts

• Barmaids

• Waffles Note: It is very important that under no circumstances you confuse The Dancing Polkarian Sisters of Octobavaria with wenches.

What the Quilp?

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A zanily complicated story telling the events surrounding the mettings of Quilpma and Quilpda, as well as Vaxin the Tiny and Rothgar the Husband of Vaxin. The tale begins as Vaxin is contracted by Quilpma to destroy a large cow population. This brings her into conflict with a local Mud Farmer and the conflict is brought before The Earl of James-Jones. However it turns out that The Earl of James-Jones was really Rothgar Who Was Pretender to the Title of Earl of James-Jones! As the tale continues Rothgar is soon found out by the local deity who sentances Rothgar to community service sweeping the streets. When Vaxin dicovered Rothgar sweeping the streets Rothgar, worried that she would think less of him if she found out that he wasn’t an earl, informed her that he was also the Earl of Sweeping Broom. After a number of complex plot twists and Quilpma and Quilpda almost meeting a number of times the two finally run into each other. The two gods fall in love and instantly forget all thier greinces. Rothgar is forced to admit that he’s not an earl (although he was once the Steward to the Earle of Steward, Earl Steward, but that’s another story) and Vaxin reveals that she knew all along but was hidding the fact because she wanted people to think that a real earl had ruled in her favor. With all grivences forgot the two happy couples part ways.

White Water

Everyone is familiar with the element of Ice and its inferior cousin, Water (NOTE: The “inferiority” of Water is a matter of personal opinion, and this statement may or may not be biased, unlike this note. Jackass.), but few know of the mysterious third form taken by the element: White Water. Although long considered nothing but water mixed with the cream that leaks from the Bay of Cream, it is discovered in Book 11 that it is in fact an elemental form of its own. It is then used to defeat Black Flame, who is lured into a deadly rafting match after he loses a “braggadacio bout”. The section involving White Water makes for some of the most painful reading in the entire Elemenstor saga, and may well have been a grudging parody of demands placed on Brahe by his publisher. Arguments over its canonicity hinge on the question of whether it the

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writing is a true statement of Brahe’s profound intentions for the universe, or what amounts to a “forced confession” made under duress. The section is, at least, mercifully short; the entire plot line of Black Flame occupies two pages. The discovery and application of White Water occupies a mere three paragraphs, most of which is a thinly disguised marketing ploy:

Of course muttered Gordel to himself, it’s been in front of my eyes all of this time! The delicous freezee treats that I have long enjoyed, and enjoined so many others to enjoy, and purchase in bountiful supply, is the third form of water to which all of my calculations point! Fortunately, Black Flame is coming to “burn our chops” at the fifth annual braggadacio slam on the Bay of Cream this very evening. My investments, and those of anyone else canny enough to make immediate purchases of frozen treat stocks in the very near term, will go through the roof after this! And to think that I wasted all that time on modeling the behavior of markets, when I should’ve seen all that I need to do...buy up as much stock in frozen treats as I can! It will also help us to defeat this meddlesom elemental construct.

Gordel took his insights to his “boys” Arandar, Brotha Fuchs and Brotha Baer. After spitting some truly hot lyricism at the braggadacio slam, Arandar approached Black Flame, hollering, “Yo, you’re pretty good at throwing words, but can you throw yourself on one of these lowfloating rafts? Let’s get our race on!”

Not one too pass up a challenge, Black Flame leapt onto one of the rafts, burned it, and sank into the Bay of Cream forever. Where previous efforts to extin-guish him had failed because his blackness created an endless reservoir for the water, the whiteness of the water simultaneously extinguished his blackness and his flame. The people of the Bay of cream rejoiced.

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Windfield Plains

Lonely windswept plains in northern Parsonya. Home to one of the Seven Great Herds of the Minotaur, few others venture across these overcast and dreary lands. The minotaur of these lands are of a particularly fowl disposition, as their nomadic wandering are restricted by The Long Road, which divides northern Parsonya from souther Parsonya with a fortified wall which stretches from the city-castle DragonBone in the west, all the way to the port city of BashRock on the eastern coast. These minotaur can often be found frequenting Oblivion, often searching for a weightier hammer. The other primary inhabitants of the plains are the Barely Flattenable Weaslefox, vicious pack hunters which are the bane of all but the mighty minotaur. It should go without saying, but the Battle of Windfield Plains from Book 12 occurred here.

Wizbits Elemenstor Battle (CCG)

To view the rules for the game, see Rules. To view strategy and terminology for Wizbits Elemenstor Battle, see Strategy. To view the card scanning/collection project, see CCG Reproductions.

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For a little bit of history on the (infamous) Elemenstor newsgroups see recDOTgamesDOTcardDOTelemenstor. List of Card Names

Wizbits: Elemenstor Battle is the name of the Collectible Card Game that spawned the entirety of Epic Legends of the Hierarchs: The Elemenstor Saga. Players take on the roles of their favorite Elemen-stors in a duel to the finish!

Original Early Sets Originally released in January 1989, the first boxed of set Elemenstor Battles (the original name) contained 226 cards and various character creation tools. Although 3 pre-release promo cards pre-date the first boxed set, they were not widely circulated and are (for various reasons unique to each card) usually banned from play.

Set Name # of Cards

Release Date

Features

Elemenstor Battles (Promotional Cards)

3 October 1988

Pre-release promo cards.

Elemenstor Battles 226 January 1989

Initial game.

This original release of the game was a moderate success for its creators M. Holhik and J. Krakins, who hadn’t even intended to create it until Holhik won the card printing plant in a contest. Several expansions were released over the next five years, beginning with Quest: The Chasm in late November 1989. The initial releases of the expansions were only a moderate success and brought a few minor rule revisions each time.

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It should be noted that Elemenstor Battles was not originally a CCG. The original 1989 release included a complicated grimoire and character design system. That system was eliminated in the 1996 re-release. Because the original cards are roughly compatible with the new system, most original box sets have been broken up and traded as CCG cards for the new game. As a result, it is extremely difficult to put together a complete box set to play with the traditional rules. With the arrest of Holhik and Krakins in January 1994, the CEO of Realmworlds Publishing, Mich Fehkoo, was left in charge of the continued production of the game. The original version of the expansion Seven Staves was released in May, extrapolated from the notes of Holhik and Krakins. Original Expansion Releases:

Set Name # of Cards

Release Date

New Features

Quest: The Chasm

186 November 1989

Minor alteration to Pillar Resolution.

Epic Legends of the Hierarchs

140 November 1990

No changes.

Vanish: The Power

176 December 1991

Clarification of Pillar Resolution for Tourna-ment matches.

Relay: The Wanderer

200 November 1992

Minor alteration to Pillar Resolution. Many optional rules intro-duced.

Sound: Be 178 July 1993 Addition of Optional

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Gone Simplified Null Resolu-tion.

Reflections: The Palace

196 December 1993

Further Simplification of Null Resolution.

Seven Staves: Hard Knock Life

257 May 1994

Removed Null Resolu-tion from game and altered Pillar Resolution rules.

After May 1994, little more was heard from Realmworlds about the game; the cards themselves were removed from sale without apology in August 1994, the official tournaments ended - Realmworlds themselves refused to acknowledge their existance. The Original Set cards are considered by most to be compatible with the later cards, though a tournament in 1998 disqualified two players for using “banned” cards from the pre-1996 era. This was later overturned with little explanation. The Wizbit Anime Re-Release Then, in 1996, the initial set was re-released under the new name Wizbits: Elemenstor Battles, to be distributed alongside The Wizbits anime. The first set of the new incarnation of the game was released in January 1996. It contained many new, rarer cards, and changed the text of several others, giving it 315 in total. The stats of the original cards did not change, and most of the art remained true to the originals.

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Set Name

Set Code

Cards Actual Cards

Re-lease Date

Features

Wizbits: Elemenstor Battles

CCG00-WEB

300 (315) January 1996

Re-Release of the original game’s initial set.

The re-released initial set had a variety of rarities ranging from Super-DoubleCommon to the Super-Mega-DoubleUltra Rare Gangster Octopus (Card). The re-release of the game received a very respectable following right out the gate, with the initial run sold out in a respectable three weeks. This initial burst of popularity caused the makers to quickly set up a robust tournament scene, which had the added side effect of increasing the rarer cards’ value very quickly. Due to this popularity, the first expansion, Quest: The Chasm was rushed out for Christmas of 1996. It contained 247 cards with a wider but similar rarity range to the original set, with the surprisingly useless but still very rare Moon Shimmer (Card) taking up the Super-Mega-DoubleUltra Rare slot. Due to riots over the Gangster Octopus card’s abilities, the public was slow to accept the expansion. As support for the game dwindled, however, a resurgence appeared in October with the burning of the last known copy of Gangster Octopus in a Las Vegas suburb. Once the existence of the card was purged, the once-loyal fanbase of the game slowly returned, and realizing the opportunity that had arisen, a rush of new product was released in the States. Following this, a rough block system was put into place (one large expansion and two small expansions per year). This remained stable until 1999, when it appeared the publisher of the game was about to lose the license; in response to this, three large sets (the largest in the game) were rushed to production. These sets contained a great number of overpowered cards and generally poor quality. During this time, Elemenstor CCG Plushies also began to be

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produced. The license then transferred to a new company, who continued publishing the game (after a long legal battle ending in late 2002). They returned to the block format and the game has remained stable since. Currently, 22 expansions have been released for the re-released game; the first seven are re-releases of earlier sets with several cards added (with the single noteworthy exception of Reflections: The Palace) to increase the number of cards in the Rare and above slots:

Set Name

Set Code

Cards Actual Cards

Release Date

New Features

Quest: The Chasm

CCG01-QTC

240 (252) December 1996

Addition of Quest Non-Elements and Half Non-Elements.

Collide: The Vision

CCG02-CTV

180 (188) June 1997

Addition of Sight Elements and Dream Elements.

Vanish: The Power

CCG03-VTP

180 (188) December 1997

Addition of Follow Elements and Follow Non-Elements.

Relay: The Wanderer

CCG04-RTW

240 (252) February 1998

Addition of Torn Artifact Non-

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Elements.

Sound: Be Gone

CCG05-SBG

180 (188) June 1998

Addition of Torn Support Non-Elements and Torn Equip Non-Elements.

Reflections: The Palace

CCG06-RTP

180 (188) October 1998

Addition of Sub-Torn Elements.

Seven Staves

CCG07-SS

360 (388) February 1999

Revisions I Rules Update cleared up many rules grey areas, simplified rules by adding Superpillar Resolution rules and linearizing the Damage Phase by adding a special Damage Pillar.

Tales of the Wang

CCG08-TWM

163 (163) April 1999

Added Focus Elements,

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Mountains Focus Modifier Elements, introduced a new Focus Pillar.

Sorrow Knife

CCG09-SK

130 (133) June 1999

Added Emotion Elements and Emotion Addition Elements.

Heavens Carried

CCG10-HC

130 (134) October 1999

Added Emotion Modifier Elements.

Origins Genesis

CCG11-OG

88 (97) December 1999

Further cleared up rules confusion by making Superpillar Resolution rules more precise and allowing Subpillar Resolution to bypass Superpillar Resolution in certain cases.

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Carrion: The Marksman

CCG12-CTM

529 (529) January 2000

Added Armor Non-Equip Non-Elements, Torn Equip Non-Elements, Supertorn Double Non-Elements, Supertorn Double Elements, Triple Elements, Triple Non-Elements, Time Elements, Pathways Elements, Pathways Equip Non-Elements, Design Non-Equip Non-Elements, and Design Equip Non-Elements.

Quest: The Pyre

CCG13-QTP

409 (409) January 2000

Added Racing Sub-Quest Non-Elements and Duel Sub-Quest Non-Elements,

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removed Superpillar Resolution rules complexity from the game with the Superpil-lar Streamlin-ing Rules Addendum, an optional reference on a new way to play that eliminated multiple pillars altogether.

Repent: The Exotic

CCG14-RTE

411 (411) January 2000

Major errata to all previous sets came as in-pack foldout sheets. A subset of 32 cards in the set combined to redefine almost 200 cards from the past four years; Added Non-Historic Elements.

Melodies and

CCG15-MaR

100 (102) February 2003

First set under new

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Rhapsody publisher, also first set under simplification of rules to do away with Pillar Resolution entirely in favor of Pod Resolution; removed almost all new Element and Non-Element variants.

Adventure and Mysterious

CCG16-AaM

100 (105) June 2003

Further removed all Element and Non-Element Variants, replaced Pod Resolution with the simpler Turn Resolution system.

Beasts and Burials

CCG17-BaB

100 (103) October 2003

Removed all unessential variants from the game, replaced Turn Resolution system with

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simpler Non-Resolution system; also made the cauldron of smoldering embers required game material.

Fly: Step Forward

CCG18-FSF

230 (239) February 2004

Returned to previous system of Pillar Resolution due to mass confusion on the Non-Resolution system, including the multiple pillars subsystem removed at the end of the previous publisher’s reign. Added thirteen different Sub-Armor Non-Element classes for each body part protection, a complex web

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of Protection Elements, and Sub-Protection Elements.

Swing: Banner Barrier

CCG19-SBB

200 (200) February 2005

No new additions.

Joy: Carry Light

CCG20-JCL

200 (201) June 2005 No new additions.

Tides of Epic Conflict

CCG21-TEC

100 (100) June 2005 No new additions.

Buy our Stuff - Special Edition

CCG22-BoS

250 (250) October 2005

Inclusion of Proof of Purchase modifiers.

Legendary: Knowledge Deluge

CCG23-LKD

500 (525) February 2006

Minor changes based on the anime series’s interpretation of the rules to accom-modate players who tried to learn from watching it.

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Unreleased expansions Planned expansions that were unreleased for one reason or another. Such occurrences are rare because of the inherent expense involved in the designing of cards for such a complicated game.

Set Name Planned Date

Reason for Cancellation

Naughty Wizbits June 2002 Legal uproar over planned content of cards.

Legends of Infinite Madness and Insanity

October 2005

Rumored warehouse fire.

Card Rarity

The Wizbits Elemenstor Battle CCG is printed on print sheets of 36 cards tall by 43 cards wide, for a total of 1,548 cards on each print sheet. Listed below are the possible rarities in the game, and the number of copies of each rarity on a print sheet: Super-DoubleCommon: 500 Double Common: 400 Common: 200 Alpha Uncommon: 150 Omega Uncommon: 100 Rare: 75 UnRare: 75 Super-Rare: 18 Super UnRare: 18 Triple-Hyper-Rare: 12 Super-Mega-DoubleUltra Rare: Printed Individually. Giga-Blaster-Rare: Unknown. Well, really rare. Nonexistent: Unknown. This data has been collected from bootleg copies of print sheets. All

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copies of print sheets that have been stolen from factories, distribu-tors, vaults, etc. have had this distribution. Super-Mega-DoubleUltra Rares are printed one at a time using features on the machinery that allow for single cards to be printed. Due to the fact that the Nonexis-tent rarity type has been proven to exist, it is uncertain how they are printed. The Giga-Blaster-Rares were thrown into a furnace after they were deemed- “too powerful (and rare) for mankind to collect.” Determining the rarity of a card is difficult, and requires expertise in Image Tone Interpretation. A beginner’s introduction can be found in “Tone and Affiliation”, and precise details are located in “Tone and Affiliation II”.

I think the following should probably be separated into its own article allowing the discussion of how the varying rulesets changed and interacted without muddying the explanation of the history of the cards release. - Xaphod

I was thinking that maybe we should merge the orphan page CCG Print Sheet into this part of the article. -saintb

Agreed and done. ~kertrats

Xoxor Xxar

High Servant of The Unspeakable itself. A being of ancient evil entombed for countless ages below Old Karpithon. In Book 3, he is freed from his timeless prison by the bumbling Elemenstor Bendloyer Felkin. His name is deliberately hard to pronounce, thus delaying the pronounciation of The Unspeakable in any sentence which mentions them both. It’s for your own good.

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Xoxor Xxar has a brother named Xixor Xxar (mentioned in Book 6), and a son Yoxor Xxar (the main antagonist of Book 4).

Notes

There is some degree of confusion as to pronouns used with Xoxor Xxar (these problems do not appear to plague the brother or son) and questions as to whether Xoxor is a title or a first name.

Yalka

Yalka is a village in Terle. It is famous for its thousand-foot deep marble quarry, Locin’s Fastness, as well as the great skill and subtlety of its tinsmiths. Millet and rapeseed oil seem to play a large role in the economy as well as the local diet (but see below). Most of what we know of Yalka is unfortunately narrated by the young Asana Millytopthought in the beginning of Book 8. She is incurious of histories and law (at least until her visit to Captain Tev in chapter 18), and thus though we have a good snapshot of everyday life in the village—including what some felt to be far more vivid description of the latrines than was strictly called for—we don’t have very good encyclopaedic knowledge of the village. During her brief stay in Yalka, Asana is kidnapped by Hazard’s Guess, a quartet of wild Hatstands of the Totem let by Hazard Shibboleth, unofficial ambassador to The Rogue Brewers of Kelembad, and held by them for four days in a large wicker basket, where she is forced to subsist on milk, cheese, honey, venison, persimmons, grapefruit juice, mincemeat pies, banana splits, and root beer floats while each of the hatstands spends a day regaling her with sung tales in an ultimately futile attempt to convince her to give up her quest. From this we can discern that Yalka produces a great many different types of foodstuffs, or at least has access to many fresh foods through trade. It can be assumed to be inhabited by expert grassweavers, an influence of the Cohoris invaders that held sway over

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these lands for a time. We can assume at the very least that the honey was native to the village, since we have evidence of significant apiculture through Asana’s descriptions of the “net men” and the “great hum”. While many of the tales appear at first blush to be fanciful, we are told one which is explicitly stated to be historical, and luckily takes place in Yalka itself. This is, of course, the story of Elibor the Insane, whose attributed artwork appeared on the cover of the first printing of Book 8 (which was, as we all know, subsequently recalled due to binding issues and page misnumbering).

Yar the Sorcerial

Note: Yar the Sorcerial was not in fact a sorcerial; in his case, “sor-cerial” refers to his powers of timesorc’ley and telesorc’ley. He considered calling himself Yar the Sorc’lerical, which would have been a more accurate moniker, but did not like having to deal with an apostrophe in his name.

Yar the Sorcerial ascended from a line of Chronosorcellors known as the Ohcyt Panamarans. Although they are mentioned throughout the series, they are introduced as characters rather suddenly in the last five pages of Book 13. This is generally considered an ill-fated effort to extend the franchise. Steeped in legend and mystery, Yar is known among the various races of the lands as “The Foggy Mirror”, “Acips Giminimous” and “Ruckwort Dawkcuf”. Legend holds that Yar burst from his mother’s womb two months premature, swathed in a cloak of flame, with the body of a five year old and the leer of an unpleasantly-minded sixty year old. He is said to have been born precisely at The Longest Moment. His mother apparently did not survive the delivery. Interestingly, it seems that the cause for Yar’s strange method of entering the world was actually a spell cast by Yar himself at that

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exact moment (though some 30 years later in Yar-time). For Yar would later become the first in Battal to be well-learned in the arts both of timesorc’ley and telesorc’ley. He then used and travel back in time to The Longest Moment where he cleverly planted The Enchanted Enchanter’s Hat of Enchanted Enchanting upon a dwarf’s head and arranged for it to be struck by Ronard’s Very Large But Unenchanted Spikey Hammer, thus opening a portal to Minuschitae. Travelling through this portal, Yar lived the equivalent of several lifetimes and gained much of his power while in the tiny kingdom. It was an enchantment which Yar cast upon Ronard’s hammer (thenceforth Ronard’s Very Large Enchanted Spikey Hammer) which re-opened the portal between Battal and Minuschitae and sent powerful ripples throughout both timenes and spacenes, triggering Yar’s own birth. For more information on just exactly how this sort of thing works, please contact the Chronoclave. Yar is credited with manufacturing the ur-justification for all of the Spica Wars that continuously wracked the Kingdoms. The ur-justification involved the production of a temporal reflexarglamour by which it appeared that whichever spica-rich Kingdom the aggressor cared to invade was itself preparing to attack. He would invade and plunder great treasures from the kingdom, and through the use of telesorcellation, he would portgate unknowably vast quantities of treasure to his treasure stronghold island on the far side of the world. It was by a reversal of a temporal reflexarglamour that Yar induced Zonard, otherwise a peaceful but foolish prince, to battle. The cataclysmic battle which lead to the sundering (See: Eldritch Rift) was of a duration that “extended beyond the farthest, epic reaches of time”, although the conflict is also said to have “ended in the moment immediately preceding the moment in which it began.” This has been generally attributed to the dual existence of the Hierarchs as forgers of the Starborn Gem and as a eulithian resonance vector (Brahe;9 134) of the Elemenstors themselves flung back into the past. After causing the Sundering, Yar the Sorcerial alledgedly was called out by Verdant Anuerism, who defeated him in a great battle that was said to have been largely fought in the no-place in between the seperated fragments of the world. Verdant was successful in defeating Yar, and cast him into empty void, but Yar returning is a frequent sub-plot in various stories, so his ultimate fate is difficult to decide.

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Yellow Troll

Yellow Trolls are a large, hideously ugly tribal race. They live in the generally avoided Ap’str’ph’ Mountains, warring with their bretheren the Red Troll and the Spotted Troll races. The most notable feature of the Yellow Troll is that they’re actually green. Allegedly, the man who discovered them had a rare form of colour blindness, and couldn’t distinguish the two colours. Of the three troll races, Yellow Trolls are said to be the most violent. They tend to roam the plains around their mountain homes and attack and kill things just for the pleasure of squishing them beneath their large blunt weapons. Yellow Trolls are the only species of troll to appear in the main canonical literature, having a prominant role in Book 2, Dawn of the Dark Shadows. Because of this, they are considered to be by far the most notable troll race. The Red Troll as yet has only appeared in the Wizbits Elemenstor Battle CCG and the works of certain Fan Fiction authors, while the Spotted Troll made it’s debut in an episode of The Wizbits. Yellow Troll Fanart by Rhok:

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Yoxor Xxar

High servant of The Unspeakable, son of Xoxor Xxar. Yoxor Xxar appears in Book 4 leading a new force of Evilnors, and with him comes the Doomblade. Due to the Doomblade’s unwieldable nature, Yoxor carries the blade in a specially designed evil carrying case, which is covered in dark etchings and -unspeakable- runes. Were it not for the exploits of the heroes of Book 4, Yoxor would have certainly succeeded in re-forging the Doomblade to allow it to be used, which would have unleashed untold destruction throughout Battal. Because of Law 106, all of Yoxor Xxar’s magical items were either toe rings or brooms.

Gear:

Yoxor Xxar’s Enchanted Toe Ring of Smiting Yoxor Xxar’s Broom of Instantaneous Mangling Yoxor Xxar’s Mysterious Supression Broom Extremely Comfortable Slacks

Zenethir Foulblade

Wearing a signature cloak of orange and green, and a worn pair of yellow moccasins, Zenethir Foulblade didn’t look like an evil despot to Horatio. The seemingly kindly hermit let Horatio into his small shack out of the burning cold near the peak of Mount Windice. He even served him Root Tea and a Yellowcake Crumpette. Horatio never suspected that this elderly man was imprisoned here: magically stripped of any ability to withstand icy fire, however briefly,

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he was trapped in this cabin prison. After some pleasant conversation, Horatio was sent on his way, but he had left behind something very important. Namely, the warming, cooling, drying, moistening Omni Scarf. Using the Omni Scarf, Zenethir was able to escape Mount Windice and begin a wave of oppression and terror through all of South Battal that was described in Book 2 of the epic Elemenstor Cycle. Ultimately he was killed by a lucky blow from the Dark Doomblade of Magical Overarching Darkness, weilded by an 11 year old girl named Orphenna Troughberry, while he was battling her father Heeroh Troughberry.

Zonard

Zonard was born to the line of Ronard after a period of almost continual decline since the time of Ronard the Shorter. By the time of Zonard’s birth, any child born to the in-bred clan who had more than one testicle was hailed by court elemenstrologists as the “Heretoprophe-cied Savior and Redeemer of His Line.” Zonard was remarkable in that he not only posessed two testicles, but also a magical third zotesticle which enabled him to produce offspring with any animal. Zonard famously carried his three testicles in the zocodpiece, a little-known artifact of The Sundered Era. The court elemenstrologists arranged a nearly continuous breeding schedule in an effort to produce a super-race of enslaved man-beasts by which the Ronard Dynasty could regain influence. As a result, Zonard is the literal father of the various races of Dolphinthropes, Homo Canii and the Chthonic Swinemen who, having been raised for meat for centuries, were distorted by the powers of Dark Elemenstation, revolted and serve as the villains in Book 8, where they strive to inflict upon the human races the same fate that they had suffered. Around the year 9,935, Zonard rather tripped over an errantly-placed bag of lewt and accidently “lost” the The Rubion Sword in Oblivion. He later claimed to have found it, but that was a dirty, dirty lie.

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As a result of his extensive breeding duties, Zonard was a peaceful and little-despised, if mentally impeded, prince. He was easily duped by the temporal reflexarglamour of Yar the Sorcerial into a battle for which he was thoroughly unprepared. During the battle with Yar, it is fabled that power unleashed by the crushing of his zotesticle boosted Yar’s telesorc’ly and moved the entire land mass of the Sickle to the far side of the world, causing The Sundering. The Trans-Wirian Object (or, as the unwashed term this pitifully small hunk of rock and ice, “planet”) Zonard is named in his honor.

Zuumont

The Formerly Harmless Elemenstor

Originally a devout practitioner of Harmless Elemenstation, Zuumont turned to Fire Elemenstation in the early years of the Hierarch Wars and later became one of the most feared enemies of the Dark Elemenstors and the Doorknob Marshals. In Book 11, Zuumont engages in some considerable heroics. He slays Vile Worm in an epic battle, then ventures into Myrkmoom and discovers the terrible truth about Bathtub Furniliars. He prompty incinerates the lot of them, angering the Mistress of Myrkmoom, the Elemenstrix Kapybara. In Book 12, Zuumont plays a central supporting role throughout the book. In the end he is nearly defeated by the vengeful Kapybara in a climactic final battle featuring an unprecedented number of recently rescued damsels in distress. He is saved at the last moment by the spontaneous combustion of the Dark Elemenstrix and her Dark Furniliars. After a brief and excessive victory celebration, Zuumont finds out about the gruesome fate of his unrequited love, Amberberry, and swears an epic oath of Blood Vengeance, only to be talked out of it by Knobble the Desk. In the Elemenstors’ final epic confrontation with Char Reyarteb, Zuumont’s long-repressed frustrations are finally unleashed; the

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Elemenstor becomes an Infernal Being of Searing Rage, causing minor damage to furniture and setting Baroness Sekulantra’s hair on fire. This stunning conclusion to the character arc of the Formerly Harmless Elemenstor was voted for The Most Epic Moment in the Saga by 7% of the Elemenstorm 2005 participants. Zuumont’s loyal companion throughout the Hierarch Wars is his Furniliar, Knobble the Desk. The other key personalities in his life were his longtime ally Verdant Anuerism and the object of his unrequited love, Amberberry.

Zynthar Chinaskhi

One of the Wasted Elemenstors Familiar:? Death: Liver Failure (Not treated as canon) Zynthar Chinaskhi or Zynthar the Renounced Elemensor was a Wasted Elemenstor who was cut out from an early first draft of Book 6, where he created The Bands of Heischar. There he remained on the cutting room floor until marketing executives of ELotH:TESP&PRPG decided to release a map supplement and make him tell tales of the land. The book was derided for its child-like scribbles of maps and incomprehensible legend keys ment to add realism(as Zynthar wasn’t a great cartographer). What saved it though was arguably the apex of fantasy brothel descriptions done in such minute detail that the book was soon pulled from the shelves, as for some reason Zynthar coudn’t draw a map but could easily draw naked women in a variety of poses in graphic detail. Although Zynthar as a character was cut from Book 6 he is men-tioned as the creator of the Bands of Heischar, although his reasons are never given. It is commonly accepted among fans that he made them before he Renounced his Elemenstor status. While never appearing in person in any of the books, it is believed that he was the writer of the erotic story appearing half-way through Book 10. What set Zynthar apart from the other Elemenstors was that he

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found it rather difficult to live off his fame and instead had to take up a number of menial jobs. Later on he managed to make a decent enough living from the books that he wrote. It was revealed in Erotic Tales of a Wasted Elemenstor that his surname is Chinaskhi He is believed to have died of liver failure but this is not treated as canon

Welcome to the epic world of Epic Legends of the Hierarchs...

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