ADDING SCENES: The script allows for the applicant to send in changes to the script, within reason and only from the original book. I believe the following changes, though numerous, add to the script. They primarily involve limiting the number of “narrators” and adding a couple of scenes that expand on what was there. This is not simply “me adding stuff,” but additions I thought about and used the book to help the play. These must all be confirmed by Mr. Briggs or his agent before they can be used.

#1 – Scene 1, page 3

(On stage are MORT, LEZEK, plus WALTER and his equally unprepossessing MUM. All stand looking rather board. MORT turns to address the audience.)

MORT: This is the hiring fair at Sheepridge. On Discworld. Not a spherical world like yours, but flat. Like a pizza; no anchovies, though. Discworld moves through space on the backs of four gigantic elephants. They in turn stand on the back of a colossal turtle – the Great A’Tuin. Just goes to show, the gods do have a sense of humour! (pause) People bring their children to the hiring fair to try to get them apprenticed off to a good trade. That’s my dad. The fair closes at midnight; we’ve been here all day, but no-one wanted me. Again.

(HRITA enters)

#2 - Scene 1, page 5:

LEZEK: I know, I know. He couldn’t find his bum with both hands. He’s not stupid, mind. There’s a brain there all right. Sometimes he starts thinking so hard you has to hit him round the head to head his attention. His granny taught him to read, you see. I reckon it overheated his mind.

(HRITA wanders off, looking relieved.)

#3 – Scene 2, page 16:

MORT: Sir, I don’t see what this has to do with the secrets of time and space.

DEATH: THAT IS BECAUSE YOU ARE HERE TO LEARN.

(DEATH exits. YSABELL enters.)

MORT: (to himself) Some jobs offer increments. This one offers, well, quite the opposite.

YSABELL: Are you a servant?

MORT: (thinking, distractedly) No, I’m an apprentice.

YSABELL: That’s silly. Albert says you can’t be an apprentice. Apprentices become masters, and you can’t have more than one Death. So you’re just a servant and you have to do what I say. …Did you hear what I said, boy?

MORT: (only heard the last bit) Mort.

YSABELL: What?

MORT: My name is Mort. Sorry, I’ve been told to get on with the stables. (exits)

YSABELL: (shouts after him) Binky’s very well-fed! (to herself) …And serve him right!

(Lights black out.)

#4 – Scene 3, page 19:

DEATH: ABSOLUTELY CORRECT. CLARITY OF THOUGHT. REALISTIC APPROACH. VERY IMPORTANT IN A JOB LIKE OURS. IF YOU LIKE YOU CAN COME OUT ON THE ROUND WITH ME THIS EVENING. GENERALLY, I’M ONLY EXPECTED TO MAKE AN ACTUAL APPEARANCE ON SPECIAL OCCASIONS. (He rings a bell on his desk) HAVE YOU MET MY DAUGHTER?

#5 – Scene 3, page 21:

ALBERT: Right. It’s best not to ask these questions, it upsets people. Do you know what happens to boys who ask too many questions?

MORT: No. What?

ALBERT: Damned if I know. Probably they get answers, and serve ‘em right. Looking forward to it, are you?

#6 – Scene 4, page 30:

(Tableau of STO HELIT comforting KELI. As DEATH and MORT leave the stage, the lights black out to be replaced by a follow-spot on YSABELL.)

YSABELL: That was Mort’s first task as Death’s apprentice. As the days passed, he did many more visits with Death – not just kings and important battles – most of the personal visits were to quite ordinary people. Mort still mucked out the stables, and helped Albert in the kitchen… and spent time in Death’s library reading the life histories. They write themselves, you know. Dead people’s books are full up. Unborn people’s books are all blank pages. Everyone else’s are scribbling away to themselves, writing down everything they do. Anyway, after a few weeks, Mort decided to ask Death for a favour.

(Light out on YSABELL as the light goes up for the next scene)

#7 – Scene 6, page 41:

DEATH: I thought I might stroll around a bit. I don’t seem to feel quite right. I could do with a little time off. WHAT IS THAT SENSE INSIDE YOUR HEAD OF WISTFUL REGRET THAT THINGS ARE THE WAY THEY APPARENTLY ARE?

MORT: Sadness, I think, sir.

DEATH: I AM… SADNESS.

(He hands MORT three hourglasses and a robe.)

DEATH: ALL STRAIGHTFORWARD. ENJOY YOURSELF. ER, HAVE… FUN.

(DEATH exits. MORT calls after him.)

MORT: Um. Thank you. Does this mean I’m in charge? (A short pause. MORT puts on the cloak, swirls it, and laughs. He then reads the name on the first hourglass.) Ammeline Hamstring… (He exits.)

#8 – Scene 7, page 44

MORT: Who were you expecting, precisely?

HAMSTRING: Death. It’s part of the arrangement, you see. One gets to know the time of one’s death in advance, and one is guaranteed – personal attention.

MORT: I’m it. He sent me. I work for him…

#9 – Scene 8, page 51

ABBOTT: (as they exit) I expect I’ll see you again, sometime. Or as they say in Quirm: Au revoir.

(And the lights black out.)

#10 – Scene 10, page 60

ALBERT: Something like that, anyway. And there was balls and tournaments and executions. Great days. Not like the sort of days you get now.

#11 – Scene 11, page 61

(Scene begins. KELI enters, meeting the CHAMBERLAIN, who looks everywhere but KELI until she draws his attention.)

KELI: Chamberlain! Why have you ordered the flags to be flown at half-mast?

CHAMBERLAIN: (startled, uncertain) Um, uh, well…

(He eventually looks away from KELI, forgets all about her, and exits. The YEOMAN OF THE PANTRY enters, who also avoids looking at KELI.)

KELI: Can you see me, man? Why are we reduced to eating cold pork and ham?

YEOMAN: (startled, uncertain) Why, yes… I can… er… (not sure who he’s talking to)

KELI: (prompting) Your Royal Highness.

YEOMAN: But… yes… Highness…

(He eventually looks away from KELI, forgets all about her, and exits. KELI is now very angry. A MAID enters and passes by KELI as if she wasn’t there. KELI grabs the maid.)

KELI: (shaking the maid, even slapping her if desired) Did you feel that? Did you feel it?

MAID: (trying to not look at her) But… you…

KELI: Look at me! Look at me when I talk to you! You can see me, can’t you? Tell me you can see me or I’ll have you executed!

MAID: I can see you… but…

KELI: But what? But what?

MAID: Surely you’re… I heard… I thought…

KELI: (the peak of her fury) What did you think?

(The MAID bursts into tears.)

KELI: Is there a wizard in the city? Look at me, AT ME. There’s a wizard, isn’t there? You girls are always skulking off to talk to wizards! Where does he live?

MAID: (still crying) Cutwell… in Wall Street…

(KELI exits. The MAID cries a bit, but once she notices that KELI is not confronting her, she forgets all about it and exits calmly.)

(KELI storms across the stage and knocks on CUTWELL’s door…)

#12 – Scene 13, page 77

YSABELL: ‘Ha’ what?

MORT: Just Ha!

YSABELL: I was only looking for a little company.

MORT: Well, now we’re walking in the garden. Without obligation, that is.

YSABELL: You mean you’re not going to marry me?

MORT: (horrified) Marry?

YSABELL: Isn’t that what father brought you here for? He doesn’t need an apprentice, after all.

MORT: You mean all those nudges and winks and little comments about some day my son all this will be yours? I tried to ignore them. I don’t want to get married to anyone, just yet. Certainly not to you. No offense meant.

#13 – Scene 13, page 80

YSABELL: …There was a storm, I think. He found me and brought me here. I don’t know why he did it.

MORT: Perhaps he felt sorry for you?

YSABELL: He never feels anything. I don’t mean that nastily, you understand. It’s just that he’s got nothing to feel with, no whatd’youcallits, no glands. I won’t hear a word against him. He tries to do his best. It’s just that he’s always got so much to think about.

MORT: (sighs) I’ve just upset the entire history of the future.

#14 – Scene 13, page 82

MORT: Er, no, no, it’s nothing important. Look, er, excuse me, I’ve got to… go off to work.

YSABELL: Of course. Thank you.

(YSABELL exits one way, MORT the other. Cut to: The Queen’s Head tavern, with the LANDLORD and a couple of DRINKERS. The tavern is indicated by a sign with Keli’s profile vaguely and clumsily painted on it and “The Quene’s Hed” written below. MORT enters, tired. Everyone stares at him.)

MORT: (to himself) Execution in Pseudopolis, fatal fall in the Carrick Mountains, and an ague in Ell-Kinte. All done.

LANDLORD: Evening, your lordship. What’s your pleasure this cold and frosty night?

MORT: What?

DRINKER: What he means is, what d’you want to drink?

MORT: What do people like to drink here?

LANDLORD: (clearly playing a trick for the benefit of his customers) Why, lordship, we drink scumble, for preference. Made from apples. Well, mainly apples.

MORT: Oh, right. A pint of scumble, then.

(The LANDLORD pours a clearly dangerous liquid into a cup from a pitcher as the DRINKERS giggle.)

LANDLORD: (carefully handing it to MORT) There you are, sir. Don’t let it touch anything metal.

(MORT puts a coin on the table and then drinks it. Everyone else expects him to suffer ill effects.)

MORT: (noticing the attention) Nice. Very refreshing. Bit of an acquired taste but well worth the effort, I’m sure.

LANDLORD: (horrified) You like it?

DRINKER: Have you been watering it down?

LANDLORD: Nay, thou knows what happens if you lets a drop of water touch scumble. (takes MORT’s glass, sniffs it, reacts) It’s the right stuff, all right…

(A reality interface begins to pass through the bar. Many lights and sound effects.)

MORT: What’s that? It’s coming through the wall! Can’t you see it?

LANDLORD: It’s all right, that’s just the scumble. It’ll pass in a few weeks.

MORT: Can’t you hear it sizzling? Can’t you feel it?

(The reality interface completes its journey. The lights and sounds cease. The LANDLORD is now in a different shirt; the DRINKERS are in different positions; one is simply gone, a new one in his place; and the “Quene’s Hed” sign is now just as clearly the “Duke’s Hed”, with the profile of the Duke of Sto Helit. No one except MORT thinks anything has changed.)

LANDLORD: Look, a joke’s a joke, but…

MORT: You had a green shirt on before!

LANDLORD: Before what?

MORT: You’ve got a green shirt, haven’t you? I saw it, it had little yellow buttons!

LANDLORD: Well, yes, I’ve got two shirts. I’m a man of means.

MORT: (noticing the DRINKERS) They’re all in different positions! One of them isn’t here! Who changed the sign?

LANDLORD: Well, yes, after the old king died, and the princess, “The Duke’s Head” seemed to be…

(MORT races offstage. The LANDLORD and DRINKERS stare after him.)

LANDLORD: You all saw him go out the door, right? (The DRINKERS nod.) Did you all see he didn’t open it first? (The DRINKERS nod.) (needs a drink) Anyone for scumble? (The DRINKERS nod.)

(Exeunt. YSABELL enters.)

YSABELL: The misplaced stroke of Mort’s scythe had cut history into two separate realities. In the city of Sto Lat, Princess Keli still rules…

#15 – Scene 16, page 106

(DEATH exits and KEEBLE laughs and addresses the audience.)

KEEBLE: Harga’s House of Ribs is the kind of place that doesn’t need a menu – you just look at Harga’s apron.

(Black out)

#16 – Scene 17, page 107-108

(It is dark. MORT enters, carrying books and looking furtive. YSABELL enters, wearing a pink dressing gown with a bunny on it. It is a size too small.)

YSABELL: Mort! It’s father!

MORT: …What is that you’re wearing? Yeah, okay, I’ll see him directly.

YSABELL: He’s not here! Mort, do you think something bad has happened to him?

MORT: Don’t be bloody stupid, he’s Death.

YSABELL: But he’s never been away this long! Not even when there was that big plague in Pseudopolis! I mean, he has to be here in the morning to do the books and work out the nodes…

MORT: (reassuring) All right, all right, I’m sure everything’s okay.

YSABELL: (noticing the books) Why have you got all these?

MORT: We’re trying to save someone’s life. A princess, as a matter of fact.

YSABELL: A real princess? Can she feel a pea through a dozen mattresses?

MORT: Feel a pea? I thought Albert had it wrong. I’ve got Albert biography. I need a powerful wizard and I think he is one.

YSABELL: Albert?

MORT: Yes. Only he’s called Alberto Malich. He’s more than two thousand years old, I think. I went to the stack to find his life books. I’ve got some of them here.

YSABELL: I went down there once. If you go far enough along the shelves the books run out and there’s just clay tablets and lumps of stone and everyone’s called Ug and Zog. How could you find Albert’s?

MORT: I went back two thousand years and listened. His was the only book still writing itself.

YSABELL: Well, come on then.

#17 – Scene 17, page 113

(She settles down. Lights Down. The scene changes to a counter at Harga’s House of Ribs. HARGA enters, with a stained apron. The sound of customers are heard.)

HARGA: (yelling at customers) Yeah, I got it, I got it! Don’t worry, the new guy’s quick! (talks offstage to the chef) Hey! Double egg, chips, beans, and a trollburger, hold the onions!

DEATH: (offstage) RIGHT. (A second or two later, DEATH enters with the two dishes, and places them on the counter.) ORDER UP. (Or he rings a bell.)

(DEATH exits. HARGA stares at the food approvingly and then after DEATH curiously.)

HARGA: Yeah, that’s… real good food. Real fast too. …Hey, have you heard this one? One alligator sandwich, and make it snappy!

(HARGA laughs at his joke. DEATH enters with a meaty-looking sandwich and places it on the counter.)

DEATH: ORDER UP. (Or he rings a bell.)

(HARGA, puzzled, lifts up the sandwich’s bread to stare at its contents.)

HARGA: Okay, I’m not complaining. I just want to know how you do it so fast.

DEATH: TIME IS NOT IMPORTANT.

HARGA: You say?

DEATH: RIGHT.

HARGA: Well, you’re doing a damn fine job in there, boy.

DEATH: WHAT IS IT CALLED WHEN YOU FEEL WARM AND CONTENT AND WISH THINGS WOULD STAY THAT WAY?

HARGA: I guess you’d call it happiness. (He leaves with the previous dishes, leaving the sandwich.)

(A cat meows somewhere at Death’s feet. He looks down, then picks up the sandwich and drops it for the cat. The cat purrs loudly.)

DEATH: (his voice sounding more human) Happiness…

(Lights Down. Lights Up on MORT, YSABELL, and ALBERT in Death’s study. There are now two timers on the desk.)

#18 – Scene 20, page 136

(MORT swings the sword. Strobe effect. The VIZIER’s spirit comes forward. As he speaks to MORT, the spirits of his previous victims approach him from behind.)

VIZIER: Who are you, barbarian?

MORT: DEATH.

VIZIER: Not my death! Where’s the Black Celestial Dragon of Fire?

MORT: He couldn’t come. I think there’s some people here to see you.

(The spirits grab the Vizier and drag him away screaming.)

MORT: Quickly. To the Pyramids of Tsort.

(Lights Down on the previous scene, Lights Up on a Tsortean tomb. MORT and YSABELL enter.)

MORT: It’s a lot of effort to go to to bury a dead king. They fill them full of preservative, you know, so they’ll survive into the next world.

YSABELL: Does it work?

MORT: NOT NOTICEABLY.

YSABELL: He doesn’t believe in traveling light. Look, there’s a whole boat. And all those statues!

MORT: THOSE STATUES, I’M SORRY TO SAY, WERE PEOPLE. SERVANTS FOR THE KING, YOU UNDERSTAND. THE PRIESTS GIVE THEM POISON. ONLY IT DOESN’T ALWAYS WORK QUICKLY.

(As MORT speaks, a HANDMAIDEN, barely alive, drags herself slowly onto the stage, coughing. She collapses, breathes raggedly, and then just stops. MORT swings his sword. Strobe effect. The HANDMAIDEN’s spirit comes forward.)

HANDMAIDEN: My lord!

MORT: NO ONE’S LORD. NOW RUN ALONG TO WHEREVER YOU BELIEVE YOU’RE GOING.

HANDMAIDEN: I shall be a concubine at the heavenly court of Zetesphut, who will dwell among the stars forever.

YSABELL: You don’t have to be.

HANDMAIDEN: Oh, but I must. I’ve been training for it. I’ve only managed to be a handmaiden up till now. (She exits.)

YSABELL: Well! Where now? Back to Sto Lat?

#19 – Scene 23, page 146

Strike Rincewind’s exposition.

#20 – Scene 25, page 167

MORT: I certainly learned a lot. But I don’t think I was cut out for that sort of work. Sorry.

DEATH: I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND YOUR LADY. A WEDDING PRESENT. A DOWRY.

(DEATH hands MORT a small box, as if for a ring or other jewelry. MORT opens it. It glows from within.)

MORT: It’s beautiful! We thought the silver toast rack was from you.

DEATH: THAT WAS ALBERT. I’M AFRAID HE DOESN’T HAVE MUCH IMAGINATION.

MORT: Is it a pearl?

DEATH: YES. WHEN SOMETHING IRRITATES AN OYSTER AND CAN’T BE REMOVED, THE POOR THING COATS IT WITH MUCUS AND TURNS IT INTO A PEARL. THIS IS A PEARL OF REALITY. ALL THAT SHINY STUFF IS CONGEALED ACTUALITY. YOU OUGHT TO RECOGNIZE IT – YOU CREATED IT, AFTER ALL. ONE DAY IT WILL BE THE SEED OF A NEW UNIVERSE.

MORT: (startled) What?

DEATH: THE PRESSURE OF THIS REALITY KEEPS IT COMPRESSED. THERE MAY COME A TIME WHEN THIS UNIVERSE ENDS AND REALITY DIES, AND THEN THIS ONE WILL EXPLODE AND… WHO KNOWS? KEEP IT SAFE. IT’S A FUTURE AS WELL AS A PRESENT. IT’S A SMALL THING – YOU COULD HAVE HAD ETERNITY.

MORT: I know. I’ve been very lucky.

DEATH: THERE WAS ANOTHER THING. (He takes out a gift-wrapped book) IT’S FOR YOU. PERSONALLY. YOUR BOOK.