We Are Too Weak to Walk Unaided

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Unaided

We Are Too Weak to Walk Unaided

A Family Therapist View of the Pathogenic Aspects

of Prayer (2000)

Michael Moore

Technion -- Israel

Institute

of Technology

Daniela Kramer

Oranim Teachers'

College

Israel

Author Note

Michael Moore, Department of Education in Science and

Technology; Daniela Kramer, Division of Psychology. The

quotation in the title comes from Service, 1967, p. 275. This

article was written during the authors' sabbatical leave at the

Department of Psychology, University of Southampton.

Correspondence concerning this article should be addressed to

the first author at the Department of Education in Science and

Technology, Technion, Israel Institute of Technology, Haifa,

Israel 32000. Electronic mail may be sent to email removed.

Abstract

Many aspects of psychology are at loggerheads with religion. In

this paper excerpts from prayers, hymns and scriptures of the

three monotheistic religions are used to illustrate major areas of

conflict between these two institutions. Special attention is given

to those aspects of prayers which contradict basic tenets of

psychological well-being not only of individuals but also of

families. The discussion is divided into four major fields:

Feudalism vs. egalitarianism, developmental issues, defense

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We Are Too Weak to Walk Unaided http://infidels.org/library/modern/michael_moore/weak.html

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mechanisms, and interpersonal control mechanisms. In each

field, several examples, organized around subtopics, show how

the manifest message of religious texts legitimizes and

encourages practices considered pathogenic by the standards

of various psychological approaches.

"We Are Too Weak to Walk Unaided"A Family Therapist View of the Pathogenic Aspects of

Prayer

Democracy and egalitarianism are relative newcomers to

society. Compared to other forms of deeply rooted, long

practiced social orders, such as feudalism, oligarchy and

dictatorship, the principles underlying democracy are totally

unaccepted in some parts of the globe, and have only recently

been introduced to others: The Taliban regime in Afghanistan

treats women as chattel; in some regions of India and China

female infants are customarily murdered. Some parts of the

United States practiced slavery in the previous century; the

Nuremberg race laws of 1935 deprived German Jews of their

rights of citizenship; South African apartheid ended in 1994;

until its recent demise, the Soviet block trampled on its citizens'

freedom of speech, worship and even movement. In

Switzerland, one of the progressive Western democracies,

female citizens were not deemed worthy of voting until 1971.

It is hardly surprising, therefore, that the Western family, while

paying lip service to egalitarian and democratic principles, has

only partially internalized them. These principles have confused

the traditional roles, requiring some to relinquish power, others

to receive it. Democracy has been forced upon many by outside

sources, with no assurance that there was an inner maturity to

accept it. Several forces may be acting against the

internalization of democracy at the individual and the family

levels. On the following pages we shall examine the role of a

major candidate for the preservation of feudalism: It is our

hypothesis that religion in general, and the contents of prayers

in particular, contradict not only egalitarian principles, but also

most of the basic tenets of salutogenic family processes.

Indeed, the fundamentally feudal character of many religions

puts their practitioners at considerable psychological risk. The

deeper one's faith, the more difficult it must be to live in a

non-stratified, egalitarian society, and to import society's

democratic norms into one's family. The more democratic the

society in which one lives, the more obvious it becomes that

religion is out of tune with contemporary Western social mores.

The connection between feudal social systems and religion is

not coincidental: The non-egalitarian, feudal basis that is so


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necessary for religion could not have survived without the

ideology supplied by the surrounding society. Contemporary

societies, with their penchant for pluralism and change, are at

loggerheads with messages of a single truth and constancy

which may have once served their predecessors so well. In the

following we will illustrate the glaring discrepancies between

religious thought and salutogenic family practices through the

perusal of some prayers and hymns found in the three

monotheistic religions: Christianity, Islam, and Judaism.

Our claim regarding the dangers inherent in some religious

ideation is based on the quite safe assumption that one cannot

efficiently and permanently isolate different realms of one's life,

that these realms are in contact and interact with each other, at

one depth or another. Gross, double-binding inconsistencies are

supported by the psyche, but they exact a price: repression,

isolation, denial; they all require an active investment of

energies. In the inevitable clash between social and religious

norms either one may gain the upper hand. If certain religious

concepts are incorporated into one's intimate intrafamilial

relationships, they will cause them considerable damage. If,

instead, these concepts are compartmentalized, they, rather

than the norms of egalitarianism, will require continuous

repression and result in guilt feelings. No less worrisome is the

further possibility of religious norms being consciously and

whole-heartedly accepted by one member of a family, with the

rest being placed in direct and possibly violent conflict.

Before proceeding, let us clarify that the three religions whose

prayers will be discussed greatly differ from each other not only

on grave points of theology, but also with regard to such socially

significant issues as marriage and warfare. The significance of

prayer, its functions and forms, also widely (sometimes

diametrically) differ both within and across religions. Thus Lilley

(1925, pp. 127-128) quoted Bishop Gore, according to whom

the spirit of effective prayer is "Intelligent correspondence with

the purpose of God.... Prayer is not to be an attempt to

persuade God to do what He had not intended to do ." In the

Islam (where prayer is a pillar of religion; see Tames, 1982, p.

38, as well as Gibb, 1975, p. 45), a frequently quoted tradition

says that "Petition is the most honourable part of worship, and

he who asks not incurs God's anger." (From a prayer-manual,

quoted in Padwick, 1961, p. 211). Nachman of Bratzlav (a

Jewish mystic who was active cca. 1800) wrote that "Prayer is a

brazen act... an assault upon, and the despoiling of, the

heavenly order.... Man comes wishing to despoil the order and

do marvels. Therefore man must be shameless in prayer."

(Quoted in Assembly, 1977, p. 3).

We suggest that, in spite of such differences, prayers of all


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denominations share a common ground: They often carry

pathogenic messages. Whether pathogeny turns into pathology

is a different matter. The evidence for a relationship between

religiosity and mental health is contradictory. One of the reasons

for this state of affairs is that both of these complex constructs

are, perhaps by necessity, ill defined and ill measured (see

Watson, Morris & Hood, 1987; Williams & Faulconer, 1994).

Thus several sources positively connected religious attitudes

and behavior with measures of psychopathology (e.g.,

Kaldestad, 1996; Lewis, 1998; Quiles & Bybee, 1997); others

reported either a lack of relationship (e.g., Pfeifer & Waelty,

1995) or an association of higher religiosity with various

desirable outcomes (e.g., Blaine & Crocker, 1995; Jensen,

Jensen & Wiederhold, 1993).

A note should be made concerning the complex relationship

between psychology and religion. We are aware of the attempts

made by several theologians to view religion (more specifically,

Christianity) as the exclusive cure for anxiety and alienation

(e.g., Bultmann, 1960 and Tillich, 1953; see also Maitland, 1995,

as well as Walrond-Skinner, 1998, p. 8). In the following it will

become clear that we radically disagree with such an

interpretation of religion, yet a basic discussion of this issue is

not within the scope of the present work. Suffice it to say that in

our view "the religiosity gap" (as in Lukoff, Lu & Turner, 1992) is

not a temporary fluke that will disappear, once clinical

psychologists' attitude towards religion becomes more positive,

but rather a reflection of the contradictory goals of many

religions on the one hand, and many psychological approaches,

on the other. (See, for instance, Albee, 1982; Ellis, 1980;

Rogers, 1978, p. 257, about the opposing views of the church

and a person-centered psychology, as well as Maslow, 1970, p.

169; contrast them with the pronounced anti-individualism and

"self-forgetfulness" of a contemporary Roman Catholic

theologian: Maitland, 1995, p. 179). Neither is it our purpose to

enter into complex theological arguments about the proper

interpretation of either prayer in general or of specific prayers.

On the contrary: We are intentionally dealing with the direct,

straightforward message contained in them, that is to say, with

the message that reaches unsophisticated practitioners of a

religion, who recite their prayers thousands of times. By opting

for this approach we take exception with such philosophical

investigations of prayer as are illustrated by Phillips (1965). The

latter justified his position by limiting his analysis to genuine

faith, while acknowledging the existence of many who err. In a

similar vein, Harris (1973, p. 229) spoke with nostalgia about

early Christians, while decrying "the ritualistic, nonexperiential

activity so characteristic of churches today." (Cf. Erikson 1971,

p. 83, for his criticism of "organized religion"). The artificial


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distinction drawn between two levels of religion is a luxury we

cannot afford: Believers are daily confronted by the mediators,

rather than the abstract ideas that guided their distant

predecessors. (For similar apologies with regard to Islam see

Galwash, 1958, p. 130, as well as Padwick, 1961, p. 43). In our

analysis we will take seriously the content of prayers, and will be

lead by the maxim: "Say what you mean, and mean what you

say!"

What are then the main issues that divide certain religious

precepts from healthy patterns of social behavior? Each section

of our discussion will start with a consideration of the individual,

subsequently moving on to the family.

Feudalism vs. Egalitarianism

The religions we deal with are inherently non-egalitarian. Some

denominations have a more blatantly stratified system of

go-betweens than others, having established a complex

hierarchy of clergy, but all share a common theme of lowly

creatures awed by their ruler.

Stratification and servitude

Social stratification in general, and religious stratification in

particular, clearly define individuals' position in the system, and

shape their lower or higher self-esteem. Religious hierarchy

places a more or less personified deity at the top of the scale,

followed by one or more ranks of mediators. Then come the

believers, further stratified by gender and age. At the bottom of

the pecking order are placed non-believers and followers of

other faiths. Such a feudalistic structure provides its active

participants both with a sense of inferiority, and with someone to

tower over, and thus fundamentally negates the principle of

equality. On reading the following, we cannot help but recall

Erikson's remark: "One method of avoiding offense to the gods

is to humiliate oneself" (1965, p. 146).

Frail children of dust, / and feeble as frail... (BBC,

1997, #15).

I am weak, but thou art mighty... (BBC, 1997, #

141; also Mayhew, 1989, # 190).

All praise is for Allah almighty, before whose

grandeur everything is helpless, ... before whose


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honour everything is insignificant. (Azam, 1984a,

# 4. All prayers quoted from this source originate

either in the Koran or in one of the traditional

hadith collections).

I come to Thee this evening, Thy humble

bondservant unable to control myself for good or

ill or to defend myself from evil. (Padwick, 1961,

p. 4. All prayers quoted from this source originate

in prayer-manuals, collected by its author).

Nor do I see a generous Lord who would be more

patient with a wretched slave than Thou with me.

(Padwick, 1961, p. 4).

Thy little slave is at Thy door, Thy poor one is in

Thy courtyard. Thy beggar is in Thy courtyard.

Thy destitute one is in Thy courtyard. (Padwick,

1961, p. 216).

Lord, pardon! Lord, listen and act! What are we?

What is our life?... What is our success? What is

our endurance? What is our power? (Assembly,

1977, p. 51; see also Service, 1967, p. 122).

We who are but dust and ashes, walk among

things too wonderful to understand. (Service,

1967, p. 83).

Families are a micro-image of the larger social system in which

they are embedded. Feudal societies gave rise to families in

which the father and husband was undisputed lord, served by

his wife and children. Contemporary social and political systems

are becoming increasingly more democratic and egalitarian,

with a style of mutual respect gradually replacing dominance.

Practitioners of religion cannot unequivocally benefit from this

progress, while daily repeating the blatantly feudalistic norms

and attitudes portrayed in the prayer books. This clash between

progress and stagnation inevitably causes conflict and tension

within family structures.

The status of women

Women's inferior position was not only taken for granted in


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feudal societies, but served as one of their cornerstones. In line

with this deeply entrenched policy, each of the three religions

under discussion fundamentally discriminated against women.

"The Church", wrote the feminist theologian Maitland, "has

always justified discrimination on theological grounds" (1995, p.

92). We may compare her attitude with the views of a Christian

psychotherapist vis a vis the concept of servanthood. Having

acknowledged the frustration, guilt and depression experienced

by women who find it impossible to combine Christian humility

with a sense of self-efficacy, Propst (1982) suggested that they

adopt the Christian role by choice: "The model is still one of

servanthood, but servanthood resulting from a sense of

personal vocation and not from intimidation by the social forces,

servanthood from an internal locus of control not an external

locus of control." While rationalization seems to be the

mechanism underlying this tour de force, by virtue of its being a

conscious choice, it may be better described as deliberate

self-deception.

The Book of Common Prayer in the service for

the Solemnization of Matrimony refers to wives as

"the weaker vessel"; then goes on to quote

Ephesians 5: 22-23: "Wives, submit yourselves

unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For

the husband is the head of the wife..." (BCP,

1968, pp. 310-311). This attitude was loudly

echoed in an amendment adopted by the 1998

Southern Baptist Convention to the effect that "A

wife is to submit graciously to the servant

leadership of her husband." (See Time, 1998,

151, No. 25, p. 15).

Men are superior to women on account of the

qualities with which God hath gifted the one

above the other... (Koran 4: 37).

The Koran explicitly maintains the superior right

both of the father and of the husband, legalizes

polygamy and repudiation (Gibb, 1975, p. 22). In

several places in the Koran (e.g., 37: 153; 43: 14;

52: 39), having daughters rather than sons is

pejorative; antagonism to women is also present

in the derision of female angels (37: 150; 39: 39;

43: 17).


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The Prophet is reported to have said: 'When one

of you marries a bride or buys a slave, let him

say, O God, I ask Thee for the good of her and

the good of the disposition Thou hast given her,

and I take refuge with Thee from the evil of her

and the evil of the disposition Thou hast given

her. And when he buys a camel, let him put his

hand on the summit of its hump and say likewise.

(Padwick, 1961, pp. 87-88; see also Azam,

1984a, # 47).

...and call to witness two witnesses of your

people: but if there be not two men, let there be a

man, and two women...: if the one of them should

mistake, the other may cause her to recollect.

(Koran 2: 282).

With regard to your children, God commandeth

you to give the male the portion of two females...

(Inheritance law in the Koran 4: 12; the same in 4:

175).

Your wives are your field: go in, therefore, to your

field as ye will. (Koran 2: 223).

Blessed art thou, O Lord our God, King of the

universe, who hast not made me a woman. (From

the Morning Service in Hertz, 1959, p. 21).

Spousal relationships are undergoing massive changes. In the

feudalistic era a complementary relationship predominated, in

which both spouses knew their place and tasks, and made sure

not to trespass on the other's territory. This gave a woman full

responsibility for household chores and for bringing up small

children, yet left her with no voice. She did not hold any power,

she had no say and no choice, was ruled by her husband and

depended on his money earning and defending skills. Today

progress towards equality is turning women into independent

agents. They share the task of bread winning, they can

increasingly actualize their potentialities, and make their own

choices. This symmetrical spousal structure serves as a strong

basis for team work and for a spousal dyad that is based on

mutual respect rather than control. There is no trace of this

development in prayers, where men are encouraged daily to


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state their superiority over women.

Developmental issues

As suggested before, stratification in general and patriarchal

dominance in particular constitute a threat to healthy

psychological development. We shall use several Eriksonian

stages of psycho-social development to illustrate the issues

involved (see Erikson, 1965).

Trust vs. Mistrust

Erikson was among the first to point out the need for a healthy

individual to develop trust in other human beings: "The firm

establishment of enduring patterns for the solution of the

nuclear conflict of basic trust versus basic mistrust in mere

existence is the first task of the ego..." (1965, p. 241). On the

one hand, this trust, developed in the first year and based on a

stable and satisfying relationship with a mother figure, is the

basis of all future interactions. The development of basic

mistrust, on the other hand, is pathological, and leads to inability

in later attachment. Only when one is trusted and trusting can

one develop self trust, which is a necessary step towards

achieving subsequent developmental stages.

In prayers there is a loud call for mistrust, aimed at all believers.

This mistrust has two components. First, in order to elevate god,

one is called to never trust anyone but god. This command

serves to alienate individuals from their fellow human beings

and adds to their sense of loneliness. Second, though one is

expected to trust god unconditionally, god does not trust man.

Untrustworthy humans should always remember that god's

distrustful eye is upon them, and behave accordingly in order

not to be punished. (See Surveillance, below). Untrusted and

untrusting individuals are therefore utterly at the mercy of their

deity.

All my hope on God is founded. (Mayhew, 1989, #

25).

For God in his wisdom / will provide what is best...

(Mayhew, 1989, # 95; see also "The Lord will

provide" in Baptist, 1962, # 588).

O my lord, O apostle of God, O my support, my

refuge, my apostle, thou sufficest me. (Padwick,


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1961, p. 144).

...thy heart should be dependent on God, not on

men. (Padwick, 1961, p. 176).

Blessed is the man who trusteth in the Lord, and

whose trust the Lord is. (From the Grace after

Meals, Herz, 1959, p. 979).

...For in You alone do we trust, O King, high and

exalted God. (Service, 1967, p. 135).

Lack of trust undermines the family as a unit. It is through the

parents that children's sense of trust can develop and later be

transferred to other relationships; it is through spousal trust that

effective team-work of parenting can be established and serve

as the nourishing basis for the next generation. The following

examples illustrate the tendency of prayers to place god above

family. They also constitute a double-bind by contradicting

"Honour thy father"-type commandments.

He that loveth father or mother more than me is

not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or

daughter more than me is not worthy of me.

(Matthew 10: 37; see also Mark 10: 29-30).

No earthly father loves like thee, no mother, e'er

so mild... (Mayhew, 1989, # 357).

O Believers! make not friends of your fathers or

your brethren if they love unbelief above faith.

(Koran 9: 23; see also 9: 24).

Thou art to me as father, as mother, as self, as

family, as property, as child. (Padwick, 1961, p.

137).

O God the love of Thee and the love of Thine


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Apostle are dearer to me than myself and my

family... (Padwick, 1961, p. 148).

Autonomy vs. Doubt

Erikson's second developmental stage is concerned with "the

autonomy of free choice" (1965, p. 244). Lacking the gradual

development of independence, of being able to stand on their

own feet, children will be haunted by a sense of shame and

doubt. Being controlled by external forces, they need to

"repossess the environment and to gain power by stubborn and

minute control", thus establishing a future pattern of

obsessiveness.

Let Thy clear light for ever shine, / To shame and

guide this life of mine. (Baptist, 1962, # 465).

Autonomy is based on independence, for persons governed by

doubt in themselves tend to be dependent on others. This stage

is the continuation of the preceding one -- trust vs. mistrust -- for

only individuals who trust themselves and look with optimism at

their surroundings, can learn to let go of ties and walk by

themselves. Independence is a necessary stage in growing up,

a proof of healthy development. Without it individuals cannot

mature, as anxieties dominate them and make any initiatives

(Erikson's third stage) and a well defined identity (Erikson's fifth

stage) seem dangerous and impossible. Thus, dependent

individuals feel helpless, weak, worthless and needy. The nexus

between believers and their lord is one of total dependency,

analogous to feudal relationships between lords and vassals,

and to ties between parents and very young children. In

Erikson's (1971) words "it is obvious that large-scale

infantilization is not foreign to the practice and the intent of

organized religion" (p. 106). (Cf. Lilley, 1925, pp. 117-118: "In

prayer we are all, or ought all to be, children...").

Hold Thou my hand! So weak I am, and helpless,

/ I dare not take one step without Thine aid...

(Baptist, 1962, # 578).

Almighty God, you see that we have no power of

ourselves to help ourselves. (Alternative, 1980, p.

678).

I have lost my purpose. I am stripped of will,


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lacking in strength and power... (Padwick, 1961,

p. 181).

As a father hath mercy upon his children, so, O

Lord, have mercy upon us, and save us for thy

Name's sake. (From the Morning Service, Hertz,

1959, p. 173).

We are too weak to walk unaided: hold us, we

implore You, by the hand, as a father holds his

child... (Service, 1967, p. 275).

In families, the constant curbing of independence is considered

pathological. Enmeshing families' need to be needed turns any

attempt at independence into an act of betrayal (Minuchin,

1977, p. 113; see also Bowlby, 1998, pp. 305-311, on the

pathogenic aspects of the inversion of roles between parents

and children). On the surface, enmeshing parents act loving and

appear to be involved, yet they inhibit their children's need to

reach out to the world, to grow and to create some distance

between their parents and themselves. The threat of this

distance is appalling, for it creates a feeling of redundancy and

adds to the enmeshing parents' sense of worthlessness. Their

children grow up feeling guilty, fused with their family, with an

undifferentiated ego (Bowen, 1976a; Kerr, 1981), lacking in self

confidence and poorly functioning. The importance of

differentiation was well described by Skynner (1981, p. 43):

"The lower down the scale of differentiation one goes, the less

value is placed on separateness, individuality, difference and

growth, and the more is placed on sameness, conformity, and

avoidance of change." Minuchin (1977) shared this opinion: "In

the pathological range... the sense of belonging dominates the

experience of being, at the expense of a separate self".

An additional danger inherent in being controlled by authority is

the lack of means for developing an internal locus of control. An

individual will always be controlled by whoever holds the most

power, and prayers make certain that believers see god as the

"Almighty". Even the doubtful benefit of having an external locus

of control, and thus avoiding responsibility, is taken from

believers. The deity appearing in prayers, like every guilt-

producing parent, takes credit for all success, and blames his

children for each failure.

What he says we will do, / where he sends we will


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go -- / never fear, only trust and obey. (BBC,

1997, # 319; see also # 281).

God never yet forsook at need / The soul that

trusted Him indeed. (Baptist, 1962, # 580; see

also # 577).

But for the offenders we have got ready the fire

whose smoke shall enwrap them: and if they

implore for help, helped shall they be with water

like molten brass which shall scald their faces.

(Koran 18: 28).

Relinquishing of responsibility takes an extreme form in the

following texts: It is one's will that is extinguished. The

existential theologian Rudolf Bultmann clearly illustrates to what

extent religion opposes the achievement of an internal locus of

control as a precondition for mature development: "Thus

modern man is in danger of forgetting two things: first, that his

plans and undertakings should be guided not by his own desires

for happiness and security, usefulness and profit, but rather by

obedient response to the challenge of goodness, truth and love,

by obedience to the commandment of God which man forgets in

his selfishness and presumption; and secondly, that it is an

illusion to suppose that real security can be gained by men

organizing their own personal and community life." (Bultmann,

1960, p. 39; see also Edith Stein's succinct statement: "I take it

as God wills it;" in Graef, 1958, p. 226). We suggest that this

point of view be contrasted with the importance that personal

responsibility was assigned by such writers as Frankl (1973)

and Perls (1976).

Take my will, and make it thine; it shall be no

longer mine. (Mayhew, 1989, # 510; cf. John 5:

30).

Come, Lord Jesus, come. Come, take my life,

take it for your own. (Mayhew, 1989, # 104).

All that I have is now no longer mine, / And I am

not my own; Lord, I am Thine. (Baptist, 1962, #

438).


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Lord, it belongs not to my care / Whether I die or

live... (Baptist, 1962, # 612).

And it is not for a believer, man or woman, to

have any choice in their affairs, when God and

His Apostle have decreed a matter... (Koran 33:

36).

I ask Thee everything O Lord, by Thy power over

everything, till Thou dost not hold me responsible

for anything. (Padwick, 1961, p. 202).

O train our spirits more and more into accord with

Your pure will! (Service, 1967, p. 237).

In a severely authoritarian family children are inhibited from

developing their full capacities. They are hindered by anxiety

and guilt, they are trying to conform to their parents' choices

while giving up those of their own. Attempts at exercising their

basic freedom are considered a sin, and must be extinguished.

As freedom of choice and taking responsibility for one's choices

is too threatening to the enmeshing parents, it is important to

take away from the child the credit for every possible success

and to hand it over to the parent. The harm in prayers which

leave praying persons responsible for their failures only, is that

immature adults subscribing to this approach will not only suffer

guilt and low self esteem, but will also adopt it towards their own

children, as the only style of parenting they know.

Transgenerational pathology is likely to ensue. (Cf. Erikson,

1965, p. 302).

Initiative and Guilt

Initiative and guilt are intimately connected: It is "a sense of guilt

over the goals contemplated and the acts initiated" that stop one

from further initiative (Erikson, 1965, p. 247). And in a genuinely

epigenetic fashion, just as the achievement of purpose and

direction at the conclusion of this third stage of socio-sexual

development depends on having successfully resolved the two

previous major conflicts, so does it pave the way for the

subsequent stages, and for the achievement of competence,

identity and intimacy, in their turn. It is clear, however, that the

very nature and raison d'etre of a large part of liturgy is founded

on guilt. Indeed, a vicious circle of sin, guilt, confession, asking


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for forgiveness, and further sin is a hallmark of monotheistic

religions. The painful inevitability of this sequence is well

illustrated by the following prayer:

Had you not sinned and asked forgiveness, God

would have brought another people that sinned

and asked forgiveness, so that He might forgive

them. (Padwick, 1961, p. 205).

How can then healthy initiative and a sense of competence

develop in an atmosphere saturated with an overwhelming

sense of guilt and the accompanying need to beseech

forgiveness? In the following example the deity itself reminds

believers of their immeasurable debt:

I fought for you in battles, / I won you strength

and victory, / gave you a royal crown and sceptre:

/ you have prepared a cross for me. (Smith, 1985,

# 141).

The only way to try and reduce this debt is by constant

engagement in asking forgiveness. Walrond-Skinner's (1998)

attempts at bringing forgiveness into family therapy

notwithstanding, the concept remains not only an inherently

religious one, but also one whose implications contradict

practically everything contemporary family therapy stands for.

These implications include the shifting of responsibility to the

victim, the encouragement of the repression of anger, as well as

the promotion of empty formulas of apologizing. (Cf. Perls & al.,

1973, pp. 158-159). Rather than doing away with these issues,

all antithetical to sanitogenic family dynamics, Walrond-

Skinner's use of the term "authentic forgiveness" (1998, p. 6)

only serves to underline them. Forgiving, as opposed to holding

a grudge, may well be the end result of a successfully handled

interpersonal conflict; as such, it will be totally different from

both "divine forgiveness" and the "forget and forgive" myth.

In your great tenderness, forgive my sin. / My guilt is known to

you, my Lord. / My sin is constantly before my eyes, so wash

me whiter than the snow. (Mayhew, 1989, # 56).

Who was the guilty? Who brought this upon

Thee? / Alas, my treason, Jesus, hath undone

Thee... (Baptist, 1962, # 137).


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If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves

and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins,

God is faithful and just, and will forgive us our

sins, and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. (In

both the Morning Prayer, and the Evening Prayer,

BCP, 1968, p. 2 and p. 17; also in Alternative,

1980, p. 48 and p. 61).

No doubt, this servant of yours is a sinner, and

down-graded. But you, my lord, are the exalted

and the beneficient. Please forgive me. Indeed,

you are the forgiving, the beneficient, O' great

forgiver, O' great helper! (Azam, 1984a, # 62; See

also Padwick, 1961, pp. 173-208).

Thou art our guardian, therefore forgive us and

have mercy on us, and thou art the best of

forgivers. (Azam, 1984a, # 56)

Forgive us, our father, for we have sinned; pardon

us our king, for we have disobeyed. (Daily prayer,

Assembly, 1977, p. 235).

We have trespassed, we have dealt

treacherously, we have robbed, we have spoken

slander, we have committed iniquity, we have

done wickedly, we have acted presumptuously...

(From the Day of Atonement Service, Gaster,

1959, p. 39).

Guilt production is characteristic of both enmeshing and

pseudo-mutual families. In their analysis of the joint operation of

guilt and resentment, Perls, Hefferline & Goodman (1973, p.

159) found that these attitudes are homeostatic; while aimed at

restoring an upset interpersonal balance, they result in avoiding

"actual contact with the other person as a person." In a

guilt-laden family atmosphere independent opinions and

appropriate emotions are squashed, autonomous behavior

cannot be exercised, leading to arrested individual development

and to pathogenic family processes.

Another undesirable corollary of forgiveness is the "turning over

a new leaf" concept (underlying the practice of confession; see

Harris, 1973, pp. 221-222). The implication is not only that with


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a single verbal act one can erase the past, but also that one's

social environment is expected to cooperate in this manipulative

game.

I confess to you, Lord, all my sinning. But ...with

your help, I've a new life beginning. (Mayhew,

1989, # 344).

Forgive us all that is past; And grant that we may

ever hereafter Serve and please thee In newness

of life, To the honour and glory of thy Name.

(BCP, 1968, p. 542).

The myth of "new beginnings" is damaging both

to the individual and to the family. Not only does it

implicitly release one from responsibility for any

current behavior (as in the promises so common

with abusive spouses and parents), but it also

discourages insight and learning.

God as an authoritarian father

The relationship between god and believers is often portrayed

as that of a father to his children. Prayers are made to a father

in heaven, a father looking from above at the children's

activities. In this role the father holds all the power (lavishing

small segments of it on a few favored and obedient children) to

control his children and to keep them in a dependent, inferior

position.

In such an authoritarian family a weak child, lacking

self-acceptance, in contrast with an all knowing and powerful

parent, is the tool for maintaining control and never releasing

the reins. Children idealize their parents, but in order for them

not to grow up and stop this idealization, parents must hold fast

to their power and make sure that the children never become

self-sufficient. Emotional abuse and the belittling of children

keep them in their place, and legitimize their control over the

next generation using the same means.

Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy

name... (From The Lord's Prayer, Baptist, 1962,

p. I).


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Just as a father cares for his children grant us

your peace, Lord, shield us with your love.

(Mayhew, 1989, # 189).

Dear Lord and Father of mankind, / forgive our

foolish ways! (Mayhew, 1989, # 116; also in

Baptist, 1962, # 50).

Lord, be thou my great Father, and I thy true son.

(BBC, 1997, # 287).

I have but Thee, my Father; let Thy Spirit / Be

with me then to comfort and uphold. (Baptist,

1962, # 777).

...Forgive us, our father, for we have sinned.

(Assembly, 1977, p. 251; also in Service, 1967, p.

48).

O our God, our Father, feed us, nourish us,

sustain, support and relieve us... (From the Grace

after Meals, Herz, 1959, p. 971).

Our Father, our King! We have sinned before

thee!... Our Father, our King! Pardon and forgive

us all our sins. (Klein, 1951, p. 521).

One of the criteria for family health is the ability to adopt to the

family life cycle, to move from stage to stage flexibly, and so

enable members to develop (as in Duval & Miller, 1985). At

each stage healthy families perform various developmental

tasks. Pathogeny is revealed when, because of homeostatic

needs and rigidity, roles unsuitable by sex or age are imposed

upon family members.

In families, parents who never let go, who cannot adjust to their

children's needs to grow up and become fully functioning adults,

are regarded as pathogenic. Relating to grown up adults as to

never-growing children, has grave implications for their

psychological development (see the concept of binding in


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Simon, Stierlin and Wynne, 1985, as well as Harris, 1973, p.

220, about the "Parent-Child nature of most Western religions").

The legitimization for such a pathogenic relationship between

father and children is likely to have implications for the praying

family: Prayers portray a good, benevolent father as one who

never lets go, who retains his powerful position at the expense

of his children's development and status. In addition to god's

being a rigid and stifling parent, his position undermines that of

the biological parents. While in olden times the father was head

of the household throughout his life time, today there is a

growing need for nuclear families to separate from their families

of origin.

Self-esteem

Self-esteem, or "the capacity for self-acceptance is an important

aspect of adjustment" (Suinn, 1970, p. 215). The lack of this

highly desirable commodity has been linked to various types of

maladjustment; those who have low levels of self-reliance,

confidence, sense of competency or self-respect tend to exhibit

symptoms of neurosis and be generally dissatisfied with their

social interactions. Only those who believe in themselves can

become self-actualizing individuals. Maslow (1970) saw esteem

of self and of others as the stage preceding self actualization.

Satir (1967, p. 94) considered it as closely linked to healthy

interpersonal communication. Individuals need to feel good and

worthy in order to open themselves to their own experiences

and to other people (Rogers, 1961, p. 207; see also Rogers,

1978). Prayers, however, focus on a weak, sinful and unlovable

individual. How much psychological strength is needed to

overcome the destructive message of the following?

As bread my Lord comes to me, / though I am

unworthy. (Mayhew, 1989, # 43).

Lord, accept our nothingness. (Mayhew, 1989, #

319).

I cannot tell how he could love / a child so weak

and full of sin... (BBC, 1997, # 82).

My Saviour's love to me, / love to the loveless

shown... (BBC 1997, # 84).


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The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a

broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not

despise. (Psalm 51: 17, in the Morning Prayer,

BCP, 1968, p. 1; also appears in the Evening

Service in Hertz, 1959, pp. 331-332).

I beseech Thee with the beseeching of the

abased sinner, the petition of one whose neck is

bowed before Thee -- whose face is in the dust

before Thee. (Padwick, 1961, p. 10).

We, Thy destitute, weak and poor servants, are

standing at the threshold of the courtyards of Thy

Majesty. (Padwick, 1961, p. 216).

Thanks are due to "Muhammad who is the shelter

of the worthless." (Padwick, 1961, p. 84).

...and I am just a lump of earth, and a worm; dust

from the ground, a cup full of shame, a fleeting

shadow, a breeze that goes and does not return.

(Said on the Days of Repentance, Assembly,

1977, p. 253).

In order to gain self-esteem, one needs to have unconditional

positive regard. One might think that religion will provide exactly

such an acceptance. Yet prayers do contain conditions, often

exemplifying Harris' "You can be OK, if" paradigm (1973, p.

221):

Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord,

shall enter the kingdom of heaven; but he that

doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven.

(BCP, 1968, p. 242; from Matthew 7: 21).

You are my friends if you obey all I command that

you should do. (Mayhew, 1989, # 557).


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On those who believe and work deeds of

righteousness will (God) most gracious bestow

love. (Azam, 1984a, # 7).

...If ye shall hearken diligently unto my

commandments... I will give the rain of your land

in its season... (Hertz, 1959, p. 123).

Here, as in other contexts, the pathogenic aspects of prayers

appear at two levels. First, individuals receive destructive

message about themselves. Second, low self-esteem is

depicted as a positive concept, something worth emulating, and

even instilling in one's children.

Homeostasis vs. Change

An important aspect of psychological development involves the

dialectics of change, or what Clarkson & Mackewn (1993) called

"the polarities of homeostasis and disturbance". Together with

an organismic urge to regain equilibrium, these Gestalt-oriented

authors also posit an equally intrinsic urge to disturb balance, in

an "impulse towards contact and growth and...

self-actualization" (p. 52). The capacity for later change and

development presupposes the solid fulfillment of the infantile

need for constancy ("the sameness and continuity of the outer

providers" in Erikson, 1965, p. 239; see also Maslow, 1970, p.

40). Prayers invert the process, decry the changing character of

adult life and exalt the immutable (childish) nature of matters

divine.

O thou who changest not, abide with me.

(Mayhew, 1989, # 4).

Thou art God, / to endless years the same. (BBC,

1997, # 16)

But the Church of Jesus / constant will remain...

(Mayhew, 1989, # 420. Also in BBC, 1997, # 341;

see also BBC, 1997, # 15, 280, 286, 295 and

350).


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Thou changest not, Thy compassions they fail

not, / As Thou hast been Thou for ever wilt be.

(Baptist, 1962, # 576; see also # 570, 581, 582

and 590).

Aye, but ye love the transitory, / And neglect ye

the life to come. (Koran 75: 20).

Thou art the One, the Permanent, Transcendent

of mate or offspring... (Padwick, 1961, p. 70).

Thy kingdom is an everlasting kingdom; and thy

dominion endures throughout all generations.

(Klein, 1951, p. 245; also in Service, 1967, p.

135).

God does not change; his teaching will not be

supplanted; he will always be the same. (Service,

1967, p. 375).

Both individuals and families are distressed by rigidity and by

opposition to change. While prayers demand constancy,

therapy, by its very nature, is change oriented: homeostatic

tendencies ("considerations ... given to slavish restoration of the

status quo," in Perls, Hefferline & Goodman, 1973, p. 159)

constitute a major threat to the therapeutic process. "Defense is

the behavioral response of the organism to threat, the goal of

which is the maintenance of the current structure of the self,"

wrote Meador and Rogers (1973). A rejection of change,

occasionally serving transgenerational pathogeny, may well

constitute the grounds for most pathological family processes.

Here-and-now

Each of the three religions we are discussing disparages the

here-and-now. Admittedly, there may well be an "innate

compulsion of man to reflect on 'last things'" (Steiner, 1975, p.

144), yet an absorption with after-life, at the expense of

effectively engaging oneself in this one, contradicts the

principles of healthy psychological functioning. (See Chapter 2

of Perls et al., 1973). Prayers instruct believers for exactly such

a derision of this world and exaltation of the other; they often

reflect a contempt for life itself.


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This miserable and naughty world... (BCP, 1962,

p. 322; Cf. I John 2: 15: "Love not the world...").

Be still, my soul: the hour is hastening on / when

we shall be forever with the Lord, / when

disappointment, grief, and fear are gone, / sorrow

forgot, love's purest joys restored. (BBC, 1997, #

286; also Mayhew, 1989, # 59).

The life in this world is but a play and pastime;

and better surely for men of godly fear will be the

future mansion! (Koran 6: 32). Azam (1984b, p.

H) interpreted this verse: "This world is the

fertiliser, and the next world is the crop".

This world is like an ante-chamber to the world to

come; prepare thyself in the ante-chamber, that

thou mayest enter into the hall." (Herz, 1959, p.

677).

While each of the three sources belittles the present, a depiction

of after-life as the hedonistic fulfillment of (supposedly) every

male's wildest dream is a strictly Islamic feature. It is

paradoxical that, as a reward for their faith, the Paradise of the

faithful will be awash with worldly goods: exquisite food,

excellent wine, an abundance of precious stones and metals,

brocade lined couches, and an endless number of virgins,

"whom nor man nor djinn hath touched before them" (Koran 55:

56). The message conveyed by the following extracts is that

abstract, religious faith is but a means to a concrete, hedonistic

end:

And theirs shall be the Houris, with large dark

eyes.../ Of a rare creation have we created the

Houris, /And we have made them ever virgins, /

Dear to their spouses, of equal age with them...

(Koran 56: 22 and 34-36).

But, for the God-fearing is a blissful abode, /

Enclosed gardens and vineyards; /And damsels


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with swelling breasts, their peers in age... (Koran

78: 31-33; see also 4: 60; 37: 47; 44: 54; 52: 20;

55: 56 and 70-74, as well as Padwick, 1961, p.

285).

And in Paradise will be given to him forty domes

of silver, in every dome a castle of gold, in every

castle a hundred pavilions of light, in every

pavilion a bed of silken brocade, on every bed a

slave-girl of the hur... (Padwick, 1961, p. 285).

Total dependence on an intangible future results in a neglect of

the present: One is not motivated to cope with current difficulties

or to invest energies in ameliorating the quality of life. The

tendency to deny the present and to console oneself with

unrealistic dreams runs against the developing of adjustment

skills; it entails, both for the individual and the family, an

avoidance of reality and personal responsibility. When the

sought for future is life after death, this process is not only

crippling, but also portrays life as insignificant and trivial:

...this present life is but a passing good... (Koran

13: 26).

Defense mechanisms

Anxiety and fear must be constantly present in the mind of the

believer. Conflicts between religious commandments and the

wish to act upon both innate and acquired drives are likely to

create anxiety. Fear cannot be far behind either, when one is

ceaselessly reminded of the punishments awaiting sinners.

...everlasting death. (BCP, 1968, p. 294).

The wicked shall be turned into hell: and all the

people that forget God. (BCP, 1968, p. 355, from

Psalms 9: 17).

Those who disbelieve our signs we will in the end

cast into the fire: so oft as their skins shall be well

burnt, we will change them for fresh skins, that

they may taste the torment. (Koran 4: 59).


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...oh! how wretched shall be the people of the left

hand! / Amid pestilential winds and in scalding

water, / And in the shadow of a black smoke, /

Not cool, and horrid to behold. /...And thereupon

shall ye drink boiling water, / And ye shall drink as

the thirsty camel drinketh. / This shall be their

repast in the day of reckoning! (Koran 56: 40-56).

Lay ye hold on him and chain him, / Then at the

Hell-fire burn him, / Then into a chain whose

length is seventy cubits thrust him; / For he

believed not in God, the Great... (Koran 69:

30-33).

But high levels of fear and anxiety cannot be tolerated; to permit

day-to-day functioning, the same institution that has unleashed

these debilitating forces, must also provide for their temporary

reduction. (See, in this regard, Maslow's attributing "the

tendency to have some religion" to safety seeking; 1970, pp.

41-42). An inspection of our sources shows that they

persistently teach and encourage the use of defense

mechanisms ("unconscious arrangements which permit the

individual to postpone satisfaction, to find substitutions, and

otherwise to arrive at compromises between id impulses and

super-ego compulsions;" Erikson, 1965, p. 187).

Repression

One type of praying formula asks for deliverance from "desires",

condemning sexual needs even before they are acted upon.

This demand for the repression, or rather suppression of life

instincts is simultaneously a psychological abomination and a

sine qua non of the religions under consideration.

Dost thou renounce... the carnal desires of the

flesh...? (BCP, 1968, p. 284).

Awake, and rise up from the dead, / and Christ

his light on you will shed. / Its power will wrong

desires destroy, / and your whole nature fill with

joy. (Mayhew, 1989, # 52).

From earthborn passions set me free... (BBC,


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1997, # 276; also Mayhew, 1989, # 327).

Make us those in whose hearts the door of selfish

desire is locked. (Padwick, 1961, p. 181; based

on Koran 79: 40-41).

He who is mastered by his lower self becomes a

captive in the power of his selfish desires,

confined in the prison of his own inclinations.

(Padwick, 1961, pp. 181). Based on the Koran 79:

40-41: "But as to him who shall have feared the

majesty of his Lord, and shall have refrained his

soul from lust, / Verily, Paradise -- that shall be his

dwelling place."

Protect us O God from the evils of our (lower)

selves and the illusion of our works... (Padwick,

1961, p. 190).

Deliver me... from this self which urges me to evil

/ And from rebelliousness, to sin's disaster calling.

(Padwick, 1961, p. 190).

Make us those who preoccupy themselves

against selfish appetites by the remembrance of

Thee... and put out the fire of selfish desire...

(Padwick, 1961, p. 181).

What then hinders us? The perversity in our

nature. You know that we ourselves have not the

strength to overcome it; therefore, O Lord our

God and God of our fathers, help us to subdue

it... (Service, 1967, pp. 275-276).

The above prayers clamor for the suppression of Eros. Other

prayers go a step further by attacking Thanatos, as well: They

demand an extinction of all "negative" emotions, and their

replacement by a mask or facade. Such denial of unwanted

emotions is characteristic of an undifferentiated pseudo self (see

Bowen, 1966; Goldenberg & Goldenberg, 1996, p. 171), whose

task is to please others, at the expense of obliterating one's


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individuality.

Let faith be my shield and let joy be my steed /

'gainst the dragons of anger... (BBC, 1997, #

354).

When troubles come and things go ill, / Teach us

to seek from Thee the grace / That turns to

heaven a trustful heart, / And to the world a

smiling face. (Baptist, 1962, # 470).

Let me be silent if people curse me, my soul still

humble and at peace with all. (Assembly, 1977, p.

41).

O Allah! Forgive me my sin and suppress anger

from my heart. (Azam, 1984a, # 35).

Be not ready to quarrel; avoid oaths and

passionate adjurations, excess of laughter and

outbursts of wrath: they disturb and confound the

reason of man. (The ethical will, by a 13th century

Jewish sage, in Hertz, 1959, p. 261).

Both Bowen and Satir claimed that pathological communication

is implicated in developing a pathogenic family. Bowen (1976b)

wrote about closed systems which will not enable talk about any

anxiety promoting topic. According to Satir (1972) dysfunctional

family rules that establish taboos cause pain and establish

pathogenic communication patterns. Repression of emotions,

denial of painful topics and dynamics, and rejection of the

proclaiming of needs help parents maintain control over their

children, and not face any threat to their own homeostatic need.

If emotions and desires are negative in the adult believer, they

should be extinguished early on among the believer's children.

Christian children, all must be / mild, obedient,

good as he. (Mayhew, 1989, # 414).

Self-denial

Erikson (1965) recognized the dual nature of asceticism: It is


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both driven by guilt over vague deeds and transgressions, and

constitutes an attempt to restore faith in the kindness of the

powers of the universe. It is not only in primitive religions that

one must "treat the Supernatural Providers of food and fortune

as if they were angry and must be appeased by prayer and

self-torture" (p. 242). Each of the three monotheistic faiths looks

with special favor upon self-denying individuals, the ones who

go beyond just serving their deity by actively depriving

themselves of food, sleep, sex or physical comfort. This attitude

toward life is a direct outgrowth of several themes encountered

above: mistrust, doubt, guilt, rejection of the here-and-now, and

a repression of emotions. The encouragement of self denial (the

opposite of self-actualizing in Rogers, 1978, p. 276) is one of

the clearest examples of the inevitable clash between

psychology and religion. (For the correlation of eating disorders

and religious beliefs see Banks, 1996, and Joughin & al., 1992).

Lord, accept our Lenten fast and forgive our sinful

past... (Mayhew, 1989, # 156).

Gentle Jesus, meek and mild... / Fain I would be

as Thou art... / Thou didst live to God alone, Thou

didst never seek Thine own, / Thou Thyself didst

never please, / God was all Thy happiness.

(Baptist, 1962, # 583).

The month-long Fast of Ramadan is one of the

five pillars of Islam. During this month the faithful

abstain from food, drink and sexual relations

between sunset and sundown. (See Koran 2:

179-183; for additional fasts in Islam see

Wagtendonk, 1968).

...and ye shall afflict your souls. (Concerning the

fast on the Day of Atonement; Hertz, 1959, p.

891; from Leviticus 16: 31).

An extreme form of self-denial is self-sacrifice, accompanied by

patient suffering. The exaltation of such behavior is unique to

Christian liturgy, with its glorification of Jesus' self-sacrifice. No

wonder that the modern Roman Catholic theologian Maitland

(1995) wrote with such derision of "psychological egocentrism"

(p. 79).


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...the cross where my Saviour / For me was

slain... (Baptist, 1962, # 130).

Hopes of joy that never dies / Hang on our

Saviour's sacrifice. (Baptist, 1962, # 136).

A life of self-renouncing love / Is one of liberty.

(Baptist, 1962, # 468).

No greater love a man can have than that he die

to save his friends. (Mayhew, 1989, # 557).

Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side; / bear

patiently the cross of grief or pain. (Mayhew,

1989, # 59; also in BBC, 1997, # 286).

And there should be no greater comfort to

Christian persons, than to be made like unto

Christ, by suffering patiently adversities, troubles,

and sicknesses. (From The Visitation of the sick,

BCP, 1962, p. 315).

Lead us to repent according to his preaching and

after his example constantly to speak the truth,

boldly rebuke vice, and patiently suffer for the

truth's sake... (Alternative, 1980, p. 777).

Suffering and pain, often unavoidable, are among the major

triggers of dysfunctionality and maladjustment, cruelty and

violence. Both psychology and medicine are devoted to the

alleviation of human suffering. The above religious excerpts'

aggrandizement of suffering legitimizes not only the pathological

role of the victim, but also the act of victimization.

Compensation

While compensation is the major defense mechanism (or

problem solving device) in the Adlerian vocabulary (e.g.,

Ansbacher & Ansbacher, 1958), Adler was not alone in


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assigning to it an important place among the defenses. Thus

Erikson (1965, p. 187; see also p. 113) saw the related

mechanism of substitution as one of the major components of

many of the defenses, while Maslow (1970, p. 45) found that the

thwarting of self-esteem needs may lead to "compensatory or

neurotic trends". Like other defense mechanisms, compensation

and substitution distort reality, preventing the individual from "an

openness to experience" (Rogers, 1961, p. 187).

...may we abide in union / With each other and

the Lord; / And possess in sweet communion /

Joys which earth cannot afford. (Baptist, 1962, #

763).

Not what I am, O Lord, but what Thou art, -- /

That, that alone can be my soul's true rest.

(Baptist, 1962, # 583).

Thou Who art compensation for all else, and for

Whom nothing else is a compensation. (Padwick,

1961, p. 135).

The idea that the deity can serve as compensation for

unsatisfied needs, has several undesirable consequences: It

legitimizes the use of a defense mechanism instead of directly

coping with the problem. As in all other neurotic behaviors it is

self-perpetuating. It prevents the individual from seeking help

among "lesser beings" such as parents, friends and

professionals. It also frees one's close social circle from the

responsibility of offering meaningful support, as they can always

send the needy to find compensation with their deity.

Interpersonal control mechanisms

Control is antithetical to autonomy. Control techniques (ranging

from mild to severe; see Parke, 1990, pp. 170-173) coerce

individuals to act according to the plan of another. Though

controlling agents may think that all their efforts are for the

controlled's "own good" (cf. Alice Miller's 1983 book in this

regard), coercion is by definition detrimental to mental health.

Several control mechanisms appearing in prayers will be

identified below.

Communication

The main instrument of interpersonal control is pathogenic


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communication (Satir, Stachowiak & Taschman, 1975, pp.

41-49). While blamers exercise control through guilt-producing,

placaters achieve their goals by being submissive. Belittling

oneself, while inflating the other, may stop the other person's

anger and result in some brownie points. The super-rationals'

fear of being hurt makes them flee from emotions. They have a

strong need for controlling both self and others. As emotions

tend to overpower, they are viewed as a threat and are

repressed. The super-rational receive power from pretending to

know it all, thus making their audience feel ignorant and foolish.

The irrelevant disbelieve the possibility of gaining self worth

through being heard and evade any confrontation. They control

through refusing to become engaged. In their self-belittling

prayers, believers exhibit various types of such incongruent

communication They constantly placate (Puglisi, 1929, p. 242

referred to prayer as "a verbal sacrifice"), attributing to their lord

a pattern of blaming them. (Though there is also an incipient

reciprocal blaming in the Lord's Prayer: "Lead us not into

temptation...", BCP, 1968, p. 4, as well as in this Koranic verse:

"Portion out for us such fear of Thee as will keep us from

disobeying Thee..., Azam, 1984a, # 54). There is more than a

touch of super-rationality in the frequent admonition not to try

and understand god's ways (see below). In group confessions of

unspecified sins, as well as in group absolutions of the same

(see BCP, 1968, p. 18), there is an atmosphere of irrelevance or

lack of connection between individual actions and their

consequences. Ingratiating is ubiquitous, especially in

petitionery prayers:

Although we for our iniquities have worthily

deserved a plague of rain... BCP, 1968, p. 38)

...grant that the scarcity and dearth, which we do

now most justly suffer for our iniquity... (BCP,

1968, p. 39).

Lo I Thy servant am at Thy door; Thine abject one

at Thy door; Thy captive at Thy door; Thy

destitute one at Thy door... (Padwick, 1961, p.

217).

Deal not with us according to the evil of our

doings; remember, O Lord, thy tender mercies


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and thy lovingkindness; save us according to

thine abundant goodness, and have pity upon us,

we beseech thee. (From the Morning Service,

Hertz, 1959, p. 175).

Another type of communication pathology lies behind prayers

that discourage the individual from asking questions. In such

declarations we witness a practical rejection of free and open

communication, a renouncing of the will to understand, a

condemnation of curiosity. As such, they have the potential to

damage cognitive development.

The Lord knows all your needs before you ask.

Only trust in him for he will do the task of bringing

in your life whatever you must know. (Mayhew,

1989, # 123).

God moves in a mysterious way / His wonders to

perform. (Baptist, 1962, # 53).

Judge not the Lord by feeble sense, / But trust

Him for His grace. (Baptist, 1962, # 53).

All laud to Him the depth of whose eternal

greatness is unthinkable by the minds of men.

(Padwick, 1961, p. 73).

I take refuge with Thee O God from unprofitable

knowledge... (Padwick, 1961, p. 90).

The systematic reading of pathological communication patterns

in a source which is considered as above all others, can only

result in the praying population adopting these same patterns

into their lives and their interactions with their families.

Bookkeeping

Bookkeeping is a basic aspect of worship. The above

mentioned lack of unconditional acceptance (You're OK, if...) is

accompanied by an accounting system; all of the earthly

creatures' deeds are noted and classified, in order to be

rewarded or punished at a later time. The invidious practice of

bookkeeping, one of the most frequently encountered

pathological processes in family structuring (cf. the concept of


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"bitter bank" in Guerin and Guerin, 1976, p. 98), well illustrates

the anthropomorphic projection performed by humans toward

the deity. Bookkeeping in prayers can be blatant or subtle,

involving simple tit-for-tat, or the bringing up of mythical

promises made to biblical forefathers.

Therefore, kind Jesu, since I cannot pay thee, / I

do adore thee, and will ever pray thee... (BBC,

1997, # 77).

In blazing light your cross reveals / the truth we

dimly knew, / what trivial debts are owed to us, /

how great our debt to you! (BBC, 1997, # 272).

Charge them who are rich in this world, that they

be ready to give... laying up in store for

themselves a good foundation against the time to

come, that they may attain eternal life. (BCP,

1968, p. 243; from 1 Timothy 6: 17-19 ).

He that hath pity upon the poor lendeth unto the

Lord: and look, what he layeth out, it shall be paid

him again. (BCP, 1968, p. 244; from Proverbs 19:

17).

We sent a stone-charged wind against them all,

except the family of Lot, who at daybreak we

delivered, / By our special grace -- for thus we

reward the thankful. (Koran 54: 34-35).

Ungrateful is man. (Koran 17: 69).

Reciting 80 times on Friday a short sentence

results in Allah forgiving the reciter the sins of 80

years (Azam, 1984a, # 36). For reading prayer #

30, 2,000,000 good deeds will be recorded by the

Recording Angels, but only 40,000 for # 40.

Prayers # 13 and 37 permit one to enter paradise

(if said right before one dies), prayers # 15 and 17

result in one's sins being forgiven and prayer # 32


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"gets his debts paid by Allah Almighty, even if it is

as big as a mountain." For him who says one of

the previously quoted prayers "Allah Almighty

writes down 1000 good deeds, raises his stage by

1000, and 70,000 angels are appointed to pray

for his forgiveness." (# 4).

Who is it that will lend to God a goodly loan? He

will double it to him again and again. (Koran 2:

246; see also 64: 17 and elsewhere).

When a certain prayer is said "God Most High

says, 'Behold my servant to whom I gave an

immeasurable gift has given me a priceless return

for it.'" (Padwick, 1961, p. 76).

He remembers the good deeds of our fathers...

(Assembly, 1977, p. 241).

As the intimate relationship between god and his believers

appears to be based on a not too subtle accounting system

which puts the believer in a never repayable debt, it can only

teach spouses and siblings, parents and offspring to be similarly

mercantile while interacting with each other. It can only lead to a

low stage of moral development (see Kohlberg's

preconventional stages, 1986), as one gives of oneself only in

order to gain debtors.

Surveillance

Kelman (1958) described three types of attitude change:

internalization, identification and compliance, with the last being

the most superficial process. When an individual has neither

internalized a message, nor has sufficiently identified with its

source, constant surveillance is needed for the assurance of

continued compliance with the source's demands. In such an

atmosphere there is no privacy, one can never relax ("Man must

live in constant fear and awe of Him, and always be on his

guard against Him," Gibb, 1975, p. 38; for other fear-related

prayers, see above). This constitutes an attack on the

separation (so important for psychological well-being) between

internal and external worlds.

Almighty God, unto whom all hearts be open, all

desires known, and from whom no secrets are


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hid... (BCP, 1968, p. 237).

Nothing was ever invisible nor will be invisible to

Thee: from Thee no secret is hid. (Padwick, 1961,

p. 178).

Oh my Lord, you look at me and know me ev'ry

moment of each day. Whether I walk or stand or

lie you read my secret thoughts from far away.

(Mayhew, 1989, # 410).

Your Lord well knoweth what is in your souls; he

knoweth whether ye be righteous. (Koran 17: 26).

...and God knoweth what ye do openly and what

ye hide. (Koran 24: 29).

...verily, God knoweth the very secrets of the

breast. (Koran 5:10).

...and God's eye is on His servants. (Koran 3: 19).

For the righteous God trieth the hearts and reins.

(Psalms 7: 9).

The respect of privacy is a difficult task to learn and to practice

in families. If god as parent does not allow for any privacy,

earthly parents may find it not only permissible but even

admirable to emulate him. The idea that "big brother is

watching" is always anxiety and guilt provoking. Telling

someone that s/he will be constantly watched also shows how

negative this person is expected to be, and how only fear can

keep him/her in check. If those values are adopted into the

family they destroy trust in self and others, and diminish the self

into either a criminal who tries to hide, or into one whose

"sainthood" is due to constant fear.

Indoctrination

Another inherent feature of monotheistic religions is their total


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lack, and indeed doctrinal rejection of pluralism. While some

denominations have proselytized and/or actively attacked

non-believers more than others, all share an abhorrence of

competing viewpoints. Steiner (1975, p. 220) attributed the

insistence on one "Truth" to early Christianity, though the Jewish

Bible is not devoid of protestations against falsehood, either (as

in "lying lips are abomination to the Lord"; Proverbs 12: 22; see

also 6: 17). The proclaimed existence of one truth creates for all

dissenters a painful double-avoidance conflict: Erase yourself by

conforming, or be erased by your social environment when

voicing your deep-seated convictions.

This is the Catholick Faith: which except a man

believe faithfully, he cannot be saved. (From the

Morning Prayer, BCP, 1968, p. 30).

They also are to be had accursed that presume to

say, That every man shall be saved by the Law or

Sect which he professeth... (Article of Religion

#18, BCP, 1968, p. 619).

I am commanded to make war on mankind till

they say La ilaha illa 'llah. (I.e. "There is no god

but Allah"; Padwick, 1961, p. 56).

The Koran is the perfect truth. (Gibb, 1975, p. 40).

I believe with perfect faith that the prophecy of

Moses ... was true, and that he was the chief of

the prophets, both of those that preceded and of

those that followed. (Principles of faith # 7, Hertz,

1959, p. 253).

The myth of there being only one truth and one way damages

individuals' ability for flexible, divergent thinking and justifies the

persecution of dissenters in societies. Within enmeshed families

the rejection of dissenting opinions constitutes the basis for

practically every pathological process. The nonconforming

member is regarded as a threat, with the family's negative

emotions channeled towards him/her. This member is rejected,

blamed, often labeled sick (the "Identified Patient").


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Comparison

In addition to encouraging competition rather than cooperation,

the drawing of comparisons between individuals establishes

pecking orders. While these may serve well in some social

environments, neither competition, nor the existence of

hierarchies is conducive to the well-being of primary groups. As

the following examples show, the act of comparison may have

many different targets (among them, somewhat surprisingly for

monotheistic religions, other gods).

There is no god as great as you, O Lord, / there is

none, there is none. / There is no god who does

the mighty wonders / that the Lord our God has

done. (Mayhew, 1989, # 6).

All praise be to Allah who saved me and

prevented me from this trouble, which was

inflicted by him, and who gave me preference and

goodness compared with most of his creatures.

(Azam, 1984a, # 6).

"Allahu akbar" (The Muslim call to prayer, as well

as "one of the most terrible of the world's battle-

cries") means "God is greater" (Padwick, 1961,

pp. 29-30). It can be exchanged for "God is far

greater," or "God is greater than the greatest."

(Padwick, 1961, p. 35). In everyday usage the

comparison is not only to other gods: "God is

mightier than all His created beings. God is

mightier than him whom I fear, than him I dread."

(Padwick, 1961, p. 36).

And true it is that even the sinners of this

community are better than the Jews and the

Christians and the Magians. (Padwick, 1961, p.

146).

The insidious practice of comparison extends to

the hereafter, as well: "I ask Thee for one of the

high places in paradise." (Azam, 1984a, # 54).


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Who is like You, Lord, among the gods men

worship! / Who is like You. (Assembly, 1977, p.

35; see also Hertz, 1959, p. 371 and Service,

1967, p. 34; based on Exodus 15: 11).

There is none like thee, O Lord, among them

acclaimed as divine; and there are no works like

thine. (Klein, 1951, p. 245).

Each religion regards itself as better, by belittling others. In

addition to legitimizing scorn towards others, this practice

strengthens a group of myths of the "I'm holier than thou" type.

In the family context, families often turn a blind eye to their pain

by pronouncing themselves better than others. Such

comparison also dominates several family subsystems, it

promotes competition between spouses, siblings, gender

groups, families of origin. The most pathogenic aspect of these

dynamics is consistently forcing a family member (or

subsystem) into the loser's position.

Manipulations

"Interactions become plainly manipulative," wrote Danziger

(1976), "when one side seeks to impose a unilaterally defined

outcome on the situation" (p. 22). Of the endless number of

techniques a manipulator can use, we shall select one that often

appears both in family interactions and in prayers: It is called

"For your own good". In all of the following, as in some

analogous interpersonal exchanges, the sender of the message

tries to overcome the target's reluctance to act in a way that

would benefit the sender. The sender achieves this by

convincing the target that the one who would really benefit is the

target itself.

O Lord of hosts, fight for us, that we may glorify

thee. (From Special Prayers with respect to the

Enemy, BCP, 1968, p. 541).

Though sinful, we implore thee to turn and make

us live, that so we may adore thee, and our

offering give. (Mayhew, 1989, # 393).

Do it for thy sake, if not for ours. (Hertz, 1959, p.

167).


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Hear my prayer, prolong my life, let me complete

my years in happiness, that I may be enabled to

serve thee and keep thy statutes with a perfect

heart. (From a Prayer in Sickness, Hertz, 1959, p.

1061).

Manipulation deprives one of freedom of choice, it is dishonest

and opportunistic, belittling and contemptuous of the other's

intelligence ("I know what's good for you better than you do"). It

portrays the manipulator as good and considerate of the other

(a misrepresentation) and the victim as stupid and helpless. In

the family it undermines egalitarian relationships and congruent

communication, rewarding craftiness, rather than authenticity. It

also teaches children to employ the same arrogant tactics in

their dealings with the world.

Obedience

Unquestioning obedience to god and to parents is a basic tenet

of all three religions. The very meaning of Islam is "submitting",

so that a Muslim literally means one who has surrendered, is

resigned to another's will (see Koran 46: 14 and elsewhere).

Disobedience to parents is one of the most dreadful sins in

Islam (e.g., Koran 17: 24-25; see also Padwick, 1961, p. 175).

Obedience is also a cornerstone of Christianity (see, for

example the theme of "perfect submission" in BBC, 1997, # 288

and the expression "Freedom in obedience" in Bultmann, 1960,

p. 41).

Prayer that the full surrender/ Of self may perfect

be... (About marriage; Baptist, 1962, # 625).

And who hath a better religion than he who

resigneth himself to God...? (Koran 4: 124; see

also 3: 18; 31: 21).

Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days

may be long upon the land which the Lord thy

God giveth thee. (The 5th of The Ten

Commandments, part of the Morning Service in

Hertz, 1959, p. 245).

The demand for blind obedience towards heavenly or earthly

fathers establishes a norm of enforced respect. In addition to all


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the ills associated with stratification and belittling, it also

sanctions irrelevance: Does a healthy social system want

children to obey and honor their parents, regardless of these

parents' behavior? And should children who have no reason to

do so, lie and pretend? Why is the 5th commandment needed?

Parents who deserve to be honored are certainly in no need of

it, for their children are likely to grow up in a healthy

atmosphere, and will honor them. The ones who need

institutionalized honoring (in the family or in the larger social

system) are those who fail in honoring themselves, their

parental role, their children, and are in danger of being

evaluated according to their true merits. A mistrust of family

health and a fear of losing control, as portrayed in many

prayers, may result in generation after generation being brought

up according to a distortion.

Coercion is in itself anti-democratic, rigid, lacking in respect for

the other person. Apart from the danger residing in the coercive

nature of all the above mechanisms, they also specifically

legitimize and promote the use of several pathogenic practices.

It is easy to see how incongruent communication can both bring

about and deepen interpersonal conflict, how the custom of

bookkeeping vis a vis the deity is analogous to an accounting

system between spouses or between children and parents

within the family, how the idea of "my religion is the best" can be

translated to "I and mine are the best". Whether it is the idea of

surveillance, intra-familial comparison, or manipulation that

believers derive and adopt from their prayers, they are likely to

act in a manner directly opposed to commonly accepted criteria

of healthy family dynamics.

Conclusion

Even a brief perusal, let alone an in-depth examination of the

prayers cited above is sufficient to justify Beit-Hallahmi's (1991)

statement: "All social sciences (indeed all human sciences) are

a threat to religion.... Psychology as the discipline that deals

directly with the nature of human beliefs presents a most direct

threat" (p. 190). Indeed, psychology in general, and its various

humanistically oriented approaches in particular, stand in direct

opposition to the long list of messages inherent in these

prayers: feudal hierarchy, rejection of autonomy and

self-actualization, repression of emotions and needs, and the

exercise of interpersonal control. In addition to highlighting this

basic contradiction, we have also attempted to show how these

messages may be used to legitimize and encourage pathogenic

family processes.

We shall conclude this discussion by mentioning a further

problem area, one that properly belongs to the communication


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pathologies, mentioned earlier. One could minimize the gravity

of the contradictions we have found between psychology and

religion by suggesting that we have taken prayers too literally

and therefore too seriously. But such an approach would in itself

reveal a rejection of a basic rule of healthy communication, one

that we have promised to adhere to, namely "Say what you

mean, and mean what you say." In this spirit, though reluctantly,

owing to its frightening message, we offer this last quotation for

our readers' consideration:

If any man come to me, and hate not his father,

and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren,

and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot

be my disciple. (Luke 14: 26).

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