Wake Me Up When You Go

8/9/2019 Wake Me Up When You Go

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WAKE ME UP WHEN YOU GO.

A

PLAY

BY

T.J. COLLETT.

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CHARACTER;

ED BONE.

LIZ TYLOR.

ROD STEIN.

LOCATION:

HOUSE AND GARDEN IN LONDON.

TIME: PRESENT.

All furniture is representative. Table and chairs represent dining room.

Sofa represents a lounge and a bed a bedroom.

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Act One. Scene One.

A dimly lit room. A light over centre stage. Table and three chairs lower centre stage.

Table empty. Ed is sitting on one of the chairs. He is in his late thirties, dark haired

and untidy in his dress. He looks out at the auditorium.

Ed: In the beginning was the word. But what was the word? Ive

forgotten what the word was. Ive searched through dictionaries over the

last few days, but I cant find or think what the word was. And each word

needs other words to explain it and you end in a right muddle. (Pause.)In

the beginning was the word. Why a word? Why not lots of words? A

word signifies an important word. However, Im lost for the word. Canteven remember what the word looks like. Was it a big word? Was it

short and squat like a fat man or was it one of those long and thin words

like a tall lady in a white dress with long eye lashes?(Pause.)I shall have to

ask Liz when she comes. Shell know. She knows things. She has the

knack for knowing things that Ive forgotten. And if she doesnt know,

Ill have to ask Rod. He knows most things. Hes one of those men who

seem to know everything. Like it was tattooed on his right buttock in

bright blue ink. (Pause.)In the beginning was the word. Or was it in the

word was the beginning? I just cant remember which way it went. Liz

will know. Liz knows things. Shes bright as a polished coin. And has the

look of a knowing woman about her. You know what that sort of woman

looks like, dont you? Liz will know for sure. (Pause Liz appears upstage. Sheis clothed in a short black dress and has dark hair. She is in her late twenties she walks

down stage to the table and looks down at Ed.)What is the word?

Liz: What word?

Ed: If I knew that, I wouldnt ask you would I? In the beginning was the

word. What word was it?

Liz: God. The word was God.

Ed: God? God was the word?

Liz: Thats what it says.

Ed: So God is the word? (Pause.)I knew youd know. You have the

knowledge for these things.

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Liz: Do you want a drink?

Ed: Drink? Another word. So many words. You could drown in them.(Laughs suddenly. Liz stands unmoved.)Drink? Yes, yes, tea.

Liz: Which tea?

Ed: Which tea? (Pause. Looks at Liz.)Oh, yes, Darjeeling. Its a Darjeeling

day. The tea to have on a Thursday.

Liz: Its Friday, Ed.

Ed: Friday? Is it? (Pause.) Oh, right then, then itll have to be Earl Grey.

Friday is Earl Grey day.(Pause. Looks at Liz.)

Are you having tea?

Liz: I might. Do you want me to sit here with you for a while and drink

tea?

Ed: Yes, that would be lovely. Tea and Liz. Liz and tea. What better

combination could there be than that? (Liz walks slowly upstage and

disappears. Ed taps on the table.)Liz is a dream. Rod is a nightmare. You

dont want to have a nightmare like Rod. But a dream like Liz is worth a

lifetime of Rods nightmares. Hes such a pig of a man. Such a know all.

He thinks hes always right. He cant ever imagine hes ever wrong. But

Liz. Shes such a dream of a woman. I would dream of her my entire life

and dare not even look at her too long in case my eyes burn out for the

beauty of her. (Pause. Looks upstage. Looks at his hands as they tap softly on the

table.) I think if I had a choice between going to Heaven for eternity or

spending a night with Liz Id choose(Laughs suddenly as if something had really

struck him as funny.)To choose. Thats means free will doesnt it? Oh, there

you go. Presumption. Always presuming. Thats me. Mr Presumption. Mr

Presumption of the Twenty-First Century. (Liz enters upstage with a tray. On

the tray are two mugs. She carries the tray down to the table and sets it down gently.She looks at Ed and sits down opposite him.) Im presuming again.

Liz: Are you now. Why are you doing that then, Ed? Havent you had

enough of that presumption?

Ed: Not that youd notice.

Liz: Drink your Earl Grey, Ed. Ive put your two sugars in. I know you

like it sweet.

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Ed: Youre such an intelligent girl. If there was ever an intelligent girl,

its you. Liz Tylor the intelligent girl. The girl wonder.

Liz: Drink up, Ed and let your mind relax. (They both sip their tea. Ed

smiles.)Whats so funny?

Ed: The way your lip curls around the mug. I love the way it does that.

Its so, I dont know. Its so warming. Is that the right word? Words?

Word? You know what words do to me?

Liz: No, what do words do to you, Ed? (Looks at Ed.)Tell me what words

do to you.

Ed: They confuse me. Im like a child in a sweetshop. So many damned

sweets to choose from that Im sick to the stomach with the damnedthings. (Sips his tea. Looks at his mug afterwards.) Do you know what

Wittengenstein said?

Liz: What did Wittengenstein say?

Ed: He said ifWhat did he say? Its gone. I had it here a minute ago;

now its gone. Damn it! How can a man have an intelligent conversation

with a damned pretty woman if he cant remember a damned thing?(Pause. Sips his tea.) Earl Grey?

Liz: Yes, Ed, its Earl Grey. Cant you tell?

Ed: Course I can. I know my tea, if nothing else. (Sips his tea slowly as if to

prove his point.)If thats not Earl Grey then Im a Dutch clergyman. (Sips it

again.)Yes, yes, thats it.

Liz: So what did this Wittengenstein say?

Ed: Have you read his book?

Liz: What book is that, Ed?

Ed: Its in here somewhere. (Points to his head.)Wait. Ill have it in a minute

or two. (Pause. Looks intense.)You know what its like to be constipated?

Liz: Constipated?

Ed: Sure, you know. You cantWait itll come in a moment Im sure.

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Liz: Take your time, Ed. (Pulls up the hem of her short black dress until it is up

her thigh.)It doesnt matter what Wittgenstein said, does it?

Ed: Sure it does. If I cant remember what Wittengenstein said then Im

done for. God, I studied the man for yearsWitt. Gen. Stein. (Studies Lizsthighs.)Are they your legs?

Liz: Of course they are. Who do you think they belonged to, if not me?

Ed: Such a lovely sight. (Sips his tea as he stares at Lizs thighs.)A thing of

beauty is a joy forever. You know who said that?

Liz: Keats?

Ed: Yes. He knew beauty didnt he? Wonder if he ever saw a fine pair of

thighs? Do you think he did, Liz? Do you think he saw any fine thighs?

Liz: Ive not read that he did, but I guess he could have done. (Pause.)Have

you seen, Rod?

Ed: Not in recent time. Maybe in time past.

Liz: How long ago?

Ed: Time past and time present are

Liz: This morning? Was it this morning, Ed?

Ed :( Reaches out and touches her thigh.)Both contained in timeWhat was it?

Can you remember that?

Liz: What time did you see, Rod? (Pulls down the hem of her dress.)

Ed :( Looks at Liz.)Oh, I dont know. Some unearthly hour. (Looks at his

wrist.)No damned watch. Where the hell did I leave the thing? Do you

know what I did with my watch, Liz?

Liz: No, I dont. When did you see, Rod?

Ed :( Drains his mug and puts it down on the table with a thump.)He was out in the

garden smoking his head off at six o'clock this morning and the bloody

birds were singing at him as if in some ruddy symphony. (Pause.) Youvelovely thighs. I could gaze at them all day and night until I was blind.

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Liz: Where did he go after that?

Ed: To Hell, I hope. Whats it matter where the man went?

Liz: It matters to me. (Drains her mug. She stares at Ed.)You and he haventhad another fight have you? What is it with you two?

Ed: Tractatus Logico-Philosophicus!

Liz: What?

Ed: Wittgensteins book. It came to me just then.

Liz: I dont care a fig about Wittgenstein. I want to know where Rodwent. (Pause. Gets up, walks to the edge of the stage, and stares out at the

auditorium. Ed stares at her back and smiles.)He said hed take me to see a man

he knew about some stage work. Said hed be here for me. But hes not.

Ed: Stage work? Youre going to act again?

Liz: If Rod can become organized and get me to meet the man he knows

then, yes.

Ed: I used to know a man who was a director ofDamn what he was a

director of now? Could have been traffic for all I can remember. (Picks up

his mug and stares into it.)Teas gone. Empty mug. Time past and time future

are (Puts down the mug.)Rods a pig. He speaks to me as if I were

something hed stepped in. Me. (Suddenly laughs.)Rod is such a damned

hog faced git that if he came in here now Id (Laughs again.)

Liz :( Looks back at Ed.) Ed! If you dont get control of yourself at some

time or other well not manage to keep you here at all.

Ed: Im lost, Liz. Cant seem to find where I am. Im lost, Lizzy. (Pause.)

Liz: Dont panic, Ed. Youll find yourself. You will. I know you will.(Looks out at the auditorium.)

Ed :( Ed stares at her back and smiles.)Time past and timeTime. Time

gentlemen, please. (Pause. Light fades.)

End of Scene One.

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Act One. Scene Two.

Later in the morning. Rod and Liz are sitting on a green garden seat. Behind them is a

wall. Beyond that a scenery of houses and sky.

Rod: So hows the guy, now? Is he still harping on about his first play?

Liz: No, not to me, at least not this morning. (Moves closer to Rod.)Are you

going to take me to meet this director today?

Rod: Sure, later. The bars are not open yet. Hell be in the bar around

midday. Hes always in the bar at that time. (Rod looks at Lizs black

dress.)That dresss too dull. Dont you have anything brighter? What

about that red dress I got you last month. Cant you wear that?

Liz: I like this dress. It matches my mood.

Rod: This guy likes things to hit him straight away. Hes not going to be

hit by that one bit. Go change it before we go out. Im not going to waste

my time seeing this guy if youre not going to bother getting up nice and

pretty. Hes a busy man. He doesnt have time to waste. He likes things

ready. (Looks ahead.)Eds beginning to wear me down. Im not sure I can

stick him around much longer. I need a place where I can bring friends. I

cant bring them here, not with him around. He hogs them from me with

his damned talk and stupidity and they feel uneasy. I cant afford to losefriends.

Liz: Hes having a bad time. Hes needs a bit of patience and

understanding.

Rod: Well let him go and find the place where he can find it.

Liz: We cant just throw him out on the streets. Hed not last a day. Hes

going to be all right. Just needs us to be a bit patient thats all.

Rod: Ive had it with him. Do you know what he said to me this morning?

Liz: No. What did he say?

Rod: He said I blighted his scenery in the garden. Said I was a blot on his

landscape. The guys asking for a fight and hes going to get it before the

days out if he keeps on.

Liz: Dont you have a sense of humour? He was probably humouring

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you.

Rod: Thats not humour, baby, thats rudeness to a degree Im not putting

up with from no one, and certainly not from the likes of him. If you want

to play nurse with him then do so somewhere else. You need to befocussed on us and on your acting. That guyll drag you down with him.

Hes bad news, honey, bad news.

Liz: I like him. He makes me laugh. Hes got a good brain. He knows

things.

Rod: Had a good brain, Lizzy, had one. Hes burnt out like some old guy

three times his age. Hell not last. Find him somewhere if youre worried

over him, but hes going to have to go. I cant have him drilling his idiocyinto my head when Im trying to focus on matters. (Looks up at the sky.)In

the States I had better connections. Here things take longer. I cant lose

those friends and contacts just because some guys losing his wits.

Liz: Hes going to pull through if we help. I know hes a bit uneasy at the

moment, but we can help him through this, I know we can.

Rod: What am I some kind of psychiatrist? Do you think Im the kind of

guy to waste my energy on a brain drain? No, way, honey, hes all yours

if youve lost the taste for the stage. But not me. No, sir, not me. Ive got

my sights on the big time again. This guy today could do us both a power

of good in our careers.

Liz: So, we abandon Ed? Is that what youre saying? What is it with you?

You lost your humanity? Lost your soul?

Rod: Humanity? Soul? What? :( Laughs.) You some

kind of preacher, now? Forget that, Lizzy, Im not into that sort of thing.

Had enough of that when I was a kid from my old man.

Liz: So we just let him fall into madness and stand and watch?

Rod: Who are you, some god? Things happen, honey. Its no good you

going around trying to stop things. They just happen. Things happen.

Wars happen. Riots happen. Accidents happen. People die and kids are

born. Thats the circus of our existence. Get on or off, the rides a rough

one. (Pause. Sighs.) What has this guy done? Has he wormed his way in to

your mind like some parasite? Or maybe youre in love with the guy?Liz: Is that it? Are you jealous of him?

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Rod :( Laughs.)Jealous of him? Oh, now you have me really opening up

inside as if youre one of the Marx Brothers. (Points his index finger at her.)

Get that idea out of that brain of yours, Lizzy, because its a silly idea.

Damned silly. Like some plan to take over the world with a new fangledarmy of robots. ::( Touches his head.) Get real, Lizzy or give up any idea of

a return to the stage.

Liz: Hes harmless. He has humour and humanity.

Rod: May be hes got the time to be humorous and spew out his

humanity, but Ive got things to do and people to see if Im not to rot in

this damned city.

Liz: Times one he doesnt have. He needs us. Needs our understanding.

Rod: I understand him all right. The guys a fruitcake. Hes missing the

full pack and I dont play games with a guy whos missing the full pack.

Liz: Do you know what Wittgenstein said?

Rod: Who?

Liz: Wittgenstein.

Rod: Whats this Wittgenstein to me? What do I care what he said.

Liz: If you can tell me what Wittgenstein said then maybe you could(Pause.)Well, put yourself in the same damned league as him.

Rod: As whom? This Wittgenstein?

Liz: No, Ed. Ed knows what Wittgenstein said.

Rod: You want me to be in the same league as that nut?

Liz: Hes not a nut. Hes a sweet man. Hes got a sense of humour that

kind of tickles me.

Rod: Whats this guy done to you? He been touching you or something?

Are you and he having some sort of affair? (Looks at Liz intensely.) Is that

it?Liz: Is that as you see things? Affairs? Touching? Hands, kissing, and

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screwing? (Slaps Rods arm, gets up from the seat, and walks down to the edge of

the stage.) You dont know me at all, Rod, do you? If you think that of me,

then you just dont know me at all.

Rod: So whats the guy up to? He want you to play wet nurse with him?

Liz: A few years back youd have given your back teeth to be in one of

his plays, now you run him down as if he were some kind of jerk.

Rod: His plays are not my scene. Hes too abstract. Too, off the wall.

(Gets up suddenly and goes to stand next to Liz.)Tennessee Williams, Miller,

The Bard, sure Id give my back teeth for a large part in one of their

plays, but this guy hes not for me.

Liz: He says I could play a lead part in his last play.

Rod: Directors wont touch his plays these days. Youll be lucky to get a

part in the chorus of a Euripides play if you hang around too long with

that guy. :( Pause. Touches Lizs arm, but she shrugs him off.)Now, dont get all

screwball on me, Lizzy, Im thinking of you and your future. Us. You.

What we have together.

Liz: Why dont you just get your head out of your backside, look at the

world with your eyes, and see things for what they really are. (Struts up to

the garden seat and sits down.)Eds a great dramatist. He knows things.

Rod :( Looks at Liz.) Sure, hes a great dramatist, thats why hes not had a

play staged for so long. No ones going to stage a play by a guy whos

losing his grip on reality. Youre onto a lost cause their, baby, a long lost

cause.

Liz :( Pause. Looks at Rod.)So? Do I get to meet this director or not?

Rod: Later. I told you, he dont get there til midday, so ease up. Take a

walk. Go stretch your lovely legs and think what youre going to do for

the audition if he gives you one.

Liz: I might do a scene from one of Eds plays. Might do that. Might do

that with all my gutsy talent until this director falls on his damned knees

to offer me a part with a gleam in his eyes and his tongue hanging from

his thick lips.

Rod: Youve really got some bee in that bonnet of yours this morning.

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Anyone would think you had shares in Eds damned plays.

Liz: I just like good plays. I dont want to just be in a play, I want a good

part in a good play and I want to be earning money again, not doing walk

on parts for peanuts.

Rod: There are more actors out there, honey, than parts to play. Its a

jungle in theatre land and only the best get the parts going. So youd

better get yourself focussed and determined and go get that part. Leave

Bone to fend for himself.

Liz: Remember what I said about Wittgenstein.

Rod: Go stick this Wittgenstein and tell him to shut his mouth up. Youvegot to train up for this part and forget all this nonsense, got it? (Pause.

Walks to the garden seat and sits next to Liz.)Now, let me see a smile. Let me

see those eyes of yours sparkle like diamonds on a dark cloth.

Liz: Ill see Ed. See what he recommends for my audition. He should

know what a director wants these days.

Rod :( Sighs.)If you manage to get through to his brain ask him what day it

is and if he needs you to hold his hand through the damned minefield of

his madness.

Liz :( Gets up and walks off upstage.)Im going for that walk and going to try

to get myself together for this meeting with your friend, but if I fail, itll

be because youve screwed with my mind with your pettiness.

Rod: Wait! Dont go off in this mood. Just think will you. Think about

things. Think about us and your future as an actor. Dont let Bone drag

you down with him.

Liz: Id rather be dragged down with him into his madness than rise up

with the likes of you into the worlds madness of greed and corruption. :( Goes off stage.)

Rod :( Shakes his head.)Women. God protect us from them. (Light fades.)

End of Scene Two.

Act One. Scene Three.

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An hour later. A blue sofa is lower centre stage. A door upper stage right. A curtained

window lower stage left. The room is dim except for the light over the sofa. Ed is

sitting looking at a book. He thumbs through it randomly, then puts it down on the

sofa beside him.

Ed: Theres more to life than is seen through the eyes of one man. Even ifthat one is me. I cant make sense of a simple book anymore. The print

just flows across the page like an infinite number of black insects, each

one moving in a different direction from those around it. Its enough to

make you vomit. The mass movement of it. The black ooziness of the

damned page. (Pause. Sits forward and brings his hands together as if he were about

to pray.)I used to have a pen in my hand and could write a scene without

batting an eyelid or raising a sweat. Now, I cant hold a pen without

having to stare at the damned thing wondering why it wasnt writing

down stuff as it always did before. Ive even got to the stage now ofhiding the pens and tearing up the paper in frustration and (Pause. Looks

at his hands.)Why dont you want to write anymore? Why do you just hang

there like condemned men to the gallows? (Moves his hands behind his

back.)And then there was none. He is left all alone. The dramatist is no

more. (Laughs suddenly for a few moments.)Oh, the westward stage is coming

on over the (Pause. Sighs.)Did Moliere have this problem? Did Shaw or

Racine? (Sighs mildly.)No. No, just me. Just me Ed Bone. Bones losing it,

ladies and gentlemen! Hes fallen off the wagon! (Laughs.)And do I hear

applause? Is that what you call applause? (Pause. Door upstage opens and Rodenters. He stops to look at Ed.)Thats not applause. Real applause should

sound like a hundred backsides hitting a marble slab over a two-second

period.

Rod: You should write that in your next play. (Moves downstage to the sofa.

Ed looks upstage.)It might raise a laugh.

Ed: What do want here? Cant a man have few moments of peace and

tranquillity? (Rod stands by the sofa and looks at Ed.)Youre like my dismal

shadow. I cant escape it.

Rod: Do you want to? I thought you could do with all the company you

could get.

Ed: Sometimes solitude is better than company is.

Rod: Solitude can lead to madness.

Ed: And some people can make you mad.

Rod: Were going out.

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Ed: Whos we?

Rod: Liz and me. Were going to meet a director friend who may have a

part for Liz.

Ed: And whats in it for you? Do you get a part too?

Rod: Maybe. If there's a part that I want and the moneys enough, then

yes, I could be lucky.

Ed: And whos this director friend? Anyone I know or is he a nobody?

Rod: Nobody you know, thats for sure. This guys got class. He knowshow to direct only the best plays and get the best actors for the parts.

Ed: Then I should know him. (Rod walks to the edge of the stage and turns to

gaze at Ed.)I know directors who are worth knowing. I know whos who in

the theatre world. Ive eaten and got drunk with the best. I know actors.

Theyre my blood. Theyre the stuff that runs through the veins of a good

play.

Rod: But not yours anymore. (Pause.)Youre a has-been, Bone. A once

upon a time dramatist whos dried up like a pond in a drought.

Ed :( Looks at Rod.)Who made you the deathwatch beetle of the stage?(Laughs.)Youre just a petty actor from across the Atlantic who thinks that

a few drawls and a few winks of his eye are called acting over here.

Youre just a screen dummy who learns his lines and smiles at the girls

and maybe beds them and thinks hes another Marlon Brando or

Fairbanks or whosoever they have these day.(Laughs.)But in reality,

youre justJust who are you anyway coming into my lounge and

dirtying my floor with your size ten feet and your swagger?

Rod: Liz and I are out to lunch. Youll have to manage the best you can

while were not here. You wont starve I dont suspect. You can always

crawl to the local bar and drink yourself back to some kind of sanity.

Ed: Youre all heart.

Rod: Not for you, Im not. If it wasnt for Liz youd be out of here by

now and sitting in some gutter where your friends are.Ed: Ive met a few of your friends while Ive been there occasionally.

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Dogs get everywhere, dont they?

Rod: To think that people admired you once. Thought you worth the time

to talk to and write about.

Ed: Yes. Funny how some people have it and some dont.

Rod: Youve lost it. (Pause. Turns to look out over the auditorium.)Who stages

your plays anymore? Who even wants to? Theres not a play of yours that

is being performed anymore. Directors and the money boys arent going

to risk it anymore. Youre washed up like a drowned whale. And soon

your theatrical blubber will be stripped from you and youll just be bones.

(Laughs.)Bone will be just bones. (Laughs.)And even Liz will then realize

that youre washed out and washed up.

Ed: You actors, you think you matter. You really think youre gods dont

you? Well youre not. Youre just actors. Get that, Stein, just ac-tors.

You act. You pretend. You play a part. Thats all you do. Whos going to

remember you when youre too feeble to remember your name let alone

your lines? But us, dramatist, were like composers. We write the scripts.

We write the words. We set the scene. We (Pause. Sighs.)Time past and

time present are (Gets up from the sofa and walks towards Rod.)Do you know

about time, Stein? Do you know about anything apart from the lines on

some play or contract? Do you ever think about anything other than the

stage, the bank, or some sweet womans wiggle?

Rod: Im not sure when well be back. (Turns to stare at Ed.)Dont wait up

like some landlady at some backstreet B&B. Well let ourselves in. You

catch up with your sanity sleep.

Ed: Truth is beauty.

Rod: And if you are up try to be sober.

Ed: A thing of beauty is a boy forever.

Rod: And dont worry Liz with your old tales of what might have been.

Ed: Do you like boys, Stein?

Rod: She has enough to worry over without you bringing her more worry.

Ed: Ive heard you like them young, pink, and very soft to touch.

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Rod :( Moves away from Ed and stares upstage.)Shes a gem of an actor. Men

like you arent worth one dram of her perspiration.

Ed: Ive even heard you dont mind the occasional bouncer if hes roughenough. (Moves towards Rod.)So youve met somebody whos set you back

on your heels, goody, goody!(Laughs. Rod pushes passed him and moves

towards the sofa.)Somewhere over the rainbow, Stein?

Rod :( Stops suddenly and glares back at Ed.)Those whom the gods wish to

destroy, they first make mad. Youre done for, Bone. The bell is tolling

for you and your damned plays.

Ed: Wheres Liz?

Rod: Gone for a walk.

Ed: Walk? What is she some kind of puppy to be trained?

Rod: What?

Ed: This walking business. Why does she have to go for her walkies?

Rod: Helps her think. Helps her get into her part.

Ed: If you walked around the world five times over youd not get into any

of your parts with any talent. It takes talent to act. It takes great talent to

act like an Olivier or Guinness or Ellen Terry. Youre nothing but a

screen player who goes through the motions andWhen will you be

back?

Rod: No idea. Dont wait up. We could be late. (Turns and walks upstage to

the door. He stops and gives Ed a last glance and then goes out.)

Ed: Oh, what tangled web. Am I the fly? What did Wittgenstein say?

(Moves upstage.)Hey, Stein can you hear me? What did Wittgenstein say?

The light fades slowly.)The lights are going out all over the world, Stein.

(Walks upstage as the light fades.)Hey, Stein look out for those pink boys!(Light fades and laughter is heard.)

End of Scene Three.

Act One. Scene Four.

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Early evening. Room dim except over the sofa where Ed sits holding a manuscript in

his hands. He opens the manuscript and stares at the page. He turns over pages and

barely looks at each one. Then he stares out at the auditorium with a vacant

expression.

Ed: And then there wasWhat was there? There was something or other

I know there was, but what it was seems to be beyond my recollection atthe moment. (Pause.)Time past and time present are bothSomething or

other. Funny how these things slip through the holes in the memory. Im

sure my brain has holes in it like a colander. (Pause.)Funny things

colanders. My mother used one quite a lot. I can remember her holding it

over the kitchen sink and seeing the water pour through holesYet,

damned blast it, I cant remember what Wittgenstein said.(Gets up suddenlyand rushes to the edge of the stage holding the folded manuscript like a sword above

his head. He stares out over the auditorium.)There are holes in here. (Points to his

head with his left hand.)Holes that are maybe tiny, but the knowledge seepsaway gradually. One minute you know something, then its gone.

Vanished like the proverbial thief in the night. Its like trying to cook a

certain dish, but youve lost pages of the cookbook and youre stuck with

a load of ingredients and nothing to do with them because youve lost the

damned recipe. (Sighs. Lowers the manuscript by his side.) Where have all the

flowers gone? Flowers? What flowers? Do you see what I mean? (Looks

down into the auditorium.)How am I supposed to write a play when I cant

remember what Wittgenstein said or where the flowers are gone? (Looks at

the manuscript.)My latest play. Well, what Ive written so far. You knowwhat its about? (Looks at auditorium.)No? Nor do I. Not a clue. Ive been

reading it through all afternoon and I cant fathom out any of it. If Rod

were to see this, hed laugh his Yankee head off. Hed split his sides with

laughter. I wish he would split his damned sides until his guts flopped all

over the lounge and he slipped on them andThen there was dark. (Pause.

Looks at the manuscript. He waves it like a fan.)Liz. Now theres a woman who

understands me. Not in the sense that she knows me in and out, but

artistically. As an artist of the boards, she seems to appreciate what Im

saying. And shes intelligent. She knows a good play when she sees it.

And she understands what it is Im trying to achieve and gives me

supportWell, she would if I let her read my latest play which Im not

going to because shed not make sense of it. Liz. Lizzzzzz (This now

becomes like a bee buzzing.)Lizzzzz. Lizzzz. Lizzzzz. (Pause.)I mean would

you show Liz your latest play if it were so damned obscure you needed a

degree in dead languages to make head or tails of the damned thing? Of

course you wouldnt. And they expect me to let them see this? (Raises the

manuscript above his head.)This is my testament. My last and final testament.

It contains all what I have left to say of any real importance.

But I cant understand it. Its beyond my understanding. Its a completemystery to me what Im trying to say. But Im trying to say something

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and it needs to be understood or else Im going to end up completely

misunderstood. A lunatic whispering into the dark forces of the

approaching night. (Pause. Door upstage opens and Rod and Liz enter the room.They are barely seen in the dim light but make their way downstage to the sofa and sit

down. They look at Ed.)I have visions of that very thing. I see a manstanding by a huge window peering out across a huge expanse of water

staring out and whispering things which float away from him before he

has the chance to know what it is hes saying, and he attempts to grab at

the words before they go, but he fails and is standing there trying to stop

the flow of wordsBut fails. (Pause. Turns and sees Rod and Liz.)Oh, so

youre back. Back from the dead? Was it an undertaker youd gone to

see?

Rod: No. A director.

Ed: Same thing in the end.

Liz: How are you, Ed?

Rod: How is he? You can see how he. Hes losing it. Hes falling off the

side of the mountain of sanity. (Laughs briefly.)

Liz: And thats funny?

Ed: So how was the director? Did he have anything intelligent to say?

Rod: What would you care?

Ed: Oh, I care, Stein. I care a lot about my Lizzy here. I wouldnt want

her to be strung along by some director who was only interested in seeing

how far he could get with her before offering her a part in some

insignificant play or script he was carrying round with him.

Rod: This is a respected director, not some backstreet amateur.

Liz: But he offered me nothing substantial. Nothing for now. Only

promises for the future.

Rod: He has to decide these things.

Liz: When hes sober, you mean.

Rod: He was sober. The man was not drunk.

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Liz: He slurred when he spoke and his breath was like the inside of a

barrel.

Ed: Oh, one of those directors.

Rod: What do you mean one of those directors?

Ed: You know the type. He drinks to cover up his gradual awareness hes

going nowhere or if hes been anywhere hes lost the map to where it

was.

Rod: Shut up you fool!

Liz: Thats right; take it out on Ed because your director friend failed todeliver. (Moves away from Rod on the sofa. Each sits at opposite ends.)Ed

understands what it is an actor wants. What it is an actor feels. What it is

an actor seeks.

Rod: Oh, does he now. The man cant remember what day of the week it

is half the time and he understands the great needs of the actor?

Liz: Yes. Yes, he does.

Ed: Lizzzzz. (Bee buzzing sound.)Lizzzz. Lizzzz. (Pause.)Ive written a new

play.

Rod: You? A new play? (Laughs.)This I have to see. This has to be the day

Ive been waiting for since I first set foot on the boards.

Liz: Rod dont be so childish.

Rod: And maybe I should call the press and let them know that the great

dramatist has set pen to paper with his latest offering.

Ed :( Looks at Rod with a cold expression.)I wouldnt show you my backside

let alone my play. Do you think Id let your damned eyes see anything

new of mine?

Liz: What about me, Ed? Can I see it? (Gets up and walks to where Ed

stands.)May I have the privilege of reading it?

Rod: You dont want to waste your time on reading his damned play.Youve enough to read without reading that.

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Liz: Whats it got to do with you? Are you my keeper?

Ed :( Holds the manuscript close to his chest as if it were a precious item.)It has to

be seen only by those chosen to do so. I cant let it be seen just byanyone. Think of the scandal. Think of the ruin it might bring to those in

high office.

Rod: See what I mean, Honey? The guys lost the plot. Hes hanging on

by his fingertips to the edge of his sanity. Another week or so and hell be

singing solo like a canary.

Liz: Shut up!

Rod: What? Cant you take the truth anymore? Has he captured you to

such a degree that youve lost your sense of judgment?

Ed: Therell be bluebirds over theOver where?

Rod: Youve got to get him out of here, Lizzy or the guyll bring us all

into his twilight world and have us singing to a weird tune in cuckoo

land.

Liz: Shut up! Shut up! :( Puts her hands over her face.)

Rod: What now Lizzy? You and him want to set up a loonytoon house

together? You want to be known as the actor who married Bone the nutty

playwright? Is that it? Is that it, after all these years?

Ed: Over where? :( Stares at the auditorium.)Is there a doctor in the house?

Can anybody tell me where the damned bluebirds go? Or what

Wittgenstein said?

Liz :( Removes her hands. She goes to Ed and puts her arms around him.)Come on,

Ed. Lets get you to bed.

Rod: Thats it, Lizzy get the guy to bed. Tuck him up now. Let him

snuggle down in those sheets of his and never wake up until sanity

returns like the prodigal son.(Liz leads Ed upstage by his hand. Rod laughs softly to himself. The light fades.)

End of Act One and Scene Four

Act Two. Scene One.

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Early morning a week later. A bed centre, lower stage. Window, right lower stage.

Blue curtains drawn. Ed and Liz lay in bed. Liz is asleep. Ed is sitting up looking out

at the auditorium. He is dressed in old blue pyjamas. Liz is wearing a faded pink

nightdress. Ed sighs.

Ed: Isnt it always the way? You think youre still asleep then you realise

youre awake and have been for hours and you watch the light graduallyrise through the curtains and like some cockerel you wait until its time

toTo what? What am I waiting for? What the hell am I waiting for? (Liz

stirs, but does not wake. Ed looks down at her.)I love the look she has when

shes sleeping. A kind of innocent childlike look that is almost asking you

not to wake her, but let her remain a sleep until the dream is over, and she

can slowly open her eyes to a new day. (Looks up at the auditorium.)A new

day? Do you have that thing in the mornings? Do you wake up to a new

day and think, hey, Ive had this day before. Ive been done. Ive been

had. This isnt a new day? Do you? (Liz stirs again. Ed looks down ather.)When I see her like that I want to be almost like a father, cuddle her,

protect her, and keep the damned world at bay. (Liz stirs and puts her right

hand out and touches Eds arm.)Little Liz. Lizzzz. Lizzzz (Becomes like bee

buzzing.)Lizzzz. Lizzzz. Liz is the business. The business. (Pause. Puts Lizs

hand against his cheek. Liz stirs, but does not wake up.)Do you know what my

father used to say? No? Well, hed say always be kind to women. Yes. Be

kind to women. It was like the Eleventh Commandment. Thou shalt be

kind to women. (Pause.)I dont know why he said that. Perhaps his father

said that to him, too. A sort of handed down philosophical statement.Handed down from generation to generation. (Pause. Puts Lizs hand on the

bed.)My mother never said be kind to men. Never said anything like that.

Not even hinted at it. Not a word about men at all. Maybe my mother

didnt like men that much. She wasnt too struck on my father so maybe

she wasnt too keen on men. Some women arent. Its the way it is. (Liz

opens her eyes.)Be kind to women. Be kind to women, (Liz sits up and Edstops.)

Liz: You all right, Ed?

Ed: Yes, Im fine.

Liz: What are you doing sitting up staring at the wall?

Ed: I have to stare somewhere. Might as well be the wall as the ceiling.

Liz: Why dont you come and lay down?

Ed: Ive been lying down.

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Liz: Not while Ive been awake, you havent.

Ed: What are you doing in my bed, anyway?

Liz: This is my bed.

Ed: Oh. (Looks around the room.)Is it?

Liz: Yes. You came in here last night.

Ed: Did I?

Liz: Yes.

Ed: Why?

Liz: To make love to me.

Ed: And did I?

Liz :( Liz sits up. She sighs.)You dont remember?

Ed: Remember what?

Liz: Making love to me.

Ed :( Moves to the end of the bed and stares at the floor.)I cant remember if Ive

been asleep or awake all night. Did I sleep?

Liz: Not while you made love to me, you didnt.

Ed: Was I good?

Liz :( Shakes her head.)How is it you cant remember?

Ed: I want to remember. Believe me I want to remember, but I cant

remember a thing. (Looks at Liz and smiles weakly.)Youre not having me on

are you? This is your bed isnt it? I mean, you wouldnt creep into my

bed for a few minutes just to pretend you slept with me?

Liz: No. (Sighs.)Ed what am I going to do with you?

Ed: Youll think of something.

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Liz: If Rod knew you were here, hed go berserk.

Ed: Would he? Does he love you?

Liz: No. (Pause.)He doesnt. At least not in that way.

Ed: What way doesnt he love you?

Liz: He wouldnt sleep with me to save his damned hide.

Ed :( Smiles. Then suddenly laughs.)Oh, you should have been a pink boy, a

pink boy, a pink boy; you should have been a pink boy to cuddle up in

bed. (Laughs.)

Liz: Hush! Or hell hear you. (Both sit in a few moments of silence.)Hes cross

with me.

Ed: Why?

Liz: Because of you.

Ed: Why because of me?

Liz: He thinks I should get you out of the house.

Ed: Get me out?

Liz: Yes. (Pause. Moves down to the end of the bed next to Ed.)But I wont.

Ed: Where would I go?

Liz: I wont get you out, Ed.

Ed: But where would I go if you did? (Suddenly gets up, walks downstage to

the edge, and stares out at the auditorium.)Ive nowhere to go.

Liz: No ones going to throw you out, Ed.

Ed: I write a play, which no one reads, and now Im told Im being

chucked out.

Liz: But youre not being chucked out. I just said that was what Rodwanted, not me. :( Moves downstage and stands next to Ed.)No one is going to

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throw you out.

Ed: You said so.

Liz: I said Rod wanted that, not me.

Ed: Why does he want me out? What have I done to him for him to want

me thrown out?

Liz: Hes like that. You know what hes like.

Ed: I write a play which no one wants to read or act in and all of a

suddenAll of a sudden? Whats all of a sudden?

Liz :( Sighs. Puts her arm around Ed.)All of a sudden, youve forgotten.

Ed: What?

Liz: It doesnt matter.

Ed: It does matter.

Liz: It doesnt matter if youve forgotten.

Ed: Doesnt it? What does matter? Does anything matter? (Pause. Then he

laughs.)Oh, dear what can the matter be, oh, dear, what can the matter be,

oh, dear (Pause. Stares at Liz.)Do you know what its like in here? (Taps

his head.)Its like a big empty room. Occasionally people come in but they

go out again and dont say who they are. Or if they do, I forget who they

are and the rooms empty again and Im all alone. (Stares out at the

auditorium.)Is that madness? Am I going mad?

Liz: No. No, youre not going mad. I wont let you. :( Embraces Ed.)I wontlet you go anywhere near madness. I will act in your new play.

Ed: You havent read it.

Liz: You wont let me.

Ed: I will.

Liz: Let me read it, then Ill act it.

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Ed: It might be rubbish. I may have lost the way to write. (Pause. Looks at

his hands. Moves away from Liz.)It could be nothing but scribble. I might just

have scribbled a whole lot of rubbish.

Liz: Let me read it.

Ed: No. No, youll laugh at me and the whole world will know Ive lost

the plot and Ill be (Puts his hands over his face. His speech is distorted by

this.)Laughed at. (Speaks louder.)Ill be laughed out of the theatre world!

Liz :( Moves near him slowly.)Itll be the best play you have ever written.

Your masterpiece. People will acclaim you the next Shakespeare.

Ed:( Removes his hands and stares at Liz.)

Will they? Will they, Liz?

Liz: Yes. Yes, they will.

Ed: Its not that good.

Liz: Its your best play.

Ed: Youve not read it.

Liz: I know it is.

Ed: Youre just saying that. Youre lying to me.

Liz: Then let me read it.

Ed: How can you lie to me?

Liz: Im not lying to you. Im saying what I think. And I think its your

best yet. (Pause. She embraces Ed.) Your best. Your best play.

Ed: Is it?

Liz: Yes. The best yet. :( Ed becomes childlike and lays his head against Lizsbreast. She rocks him gently. Light fades.)

End of Scene One.

Act Two. Scene Two.Late morning. Rod is walking up and down the edge of the stage carrying a

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manuscript in his right hand. He is clothed in jeans and white shirt. Liz is sitting on

the sofa she is clothed in a short black dress.

Rod: Ive got it! The famous manuscript. (He waves it above his head like a

sword.)The last play and testament of Bone.

Liz: How did you get hold of that?

Rod: It was lying around so I picked it up. The great play. The last and

final play of a lunatic dramatist. (Laughs.)You want to see it? You want to

let your eyes run over this?

Liz: You stole it.

Rod: No, Honey, it was lying over there on the damned sofa. My only

sin is picking it up and reading it. And what a waste of time that was.

Liz: Put it back. Youve no right to be reading someone elses

manuscript.

Rod: Whats it to you? Just another burned out dramatist puking out more

rubbish for us poor actors to put our talents to. Who watch us trying to

make sense of it and moan like she-cats when we fail. :( Offers it out to

Liz.)Here read the damned thing. See if it makes sense to you.

Liz: No. Not unless Ed wants me to read it. You shouldnt have it. Its

private. Its like part of his soul.

Rod: No. Once the guy puts pen to paper, Honey, its the right of every

actor worth his or her salt to read it and try to make sense of it. Nothing

more, nothing less. Just that. The reading of a play to see if it has any

merit for the stage.

Liz: Even if it had, you wouldnt recognise it. You hate Ed. You wouldntsay even if it had merit for the stage.

Rod: Im not blinded to his faults as you are. I see him as he is.

Liz: You see him as a failure before you start to read. Youre no judge of

plays. Youre just an actor. Just a mere actor of parts.

Rod: Whats it to you if hes a failure or not? The guy cant write

anymore and thats a fact. Its as plain as the stars at night. Plain as truthalways is. The guys burned out. Hes a hollow reed and thats the truth.

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Liz: What do you know of truth? Youre too biased to know anything

objectively.

Rod: Oh, sure I am. Im the great pretender am I? And hes the one andonly great playwright? Sure youre so objective. (Pause.)Read the damned

thing. (Holds out the manuscript to Liz.)Read it. Get your eyes to run through

this and be satisfied. Its damned rubbish. Nothing can come from

rubbish except rubbish. Theres nothing in here that a kid couldnt write.

Liz :( Stands up and snatches away the manuscript from Rod.)Youre so hateful at

times. Ed has the right to a fair hearing as much as anyone else. Why do

you rage at him so much? Whats he ever done to you?

Rod The guys a fraud. Theres nothing except fraudulence written large

all over that damned thing.

Liz :( Reads the manuscript slowly.)This is brilliant! (Looks up at Rod.)Radiant.

Rod: Rubbish. Its nothing but damned rubbish.

Liz: Its beyond your talents to bring to life. It needs a great actor to bring

this out. (Pause. Stares at Rod.)Whats he done to you for you to hate him

so?

Rod: I cant bear second raters. Hes second rate and he knows it.

Liz: You cant deny his talent in this. God forbid you cant! :( Holds the

manuscript in front of Rod like a dagger.)This is the play to make him.

Rod: Or break him, once and for all.

Liz :( Holds the manuscript to her breast.)Id die for the right to act the mainpart here.

Rod :( Laughs.)So hes caught you in his web of madness too. (Laughs.)

Hes actuallydone it. Hes made you as foolish as he is. You think

theres

merit in that damned thing? Youve lost it too, Honey. Youve lost the

damned plot of what dramatic art is all about.

Liz :( Kisses the manuscript.)This is holy script. This is Eds best play yet.

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Rod: No. No, Baby, this is not art. This is the pukish rubbish of a failed

man. Nothing can redeem him now.

Liz: Youre just jealous of his talent.

Rod: The guys a complete screwball.

Liz: And youre just a second rater yourself.

Rod: Me? A second rater? (Laughs.)What do you have in common with

him? You in love with him or something? No one can waste his or her

time or energy on this. Its not worth candle wax. Its barrel scrapings.

Liz:( Hits Rod with the manuscript.)

This is a masterpiece!

Rod: Youve lost it!

Liz: You never had it!

Rod: Youre lost.

Liz: Hes written the best play Ive read in years.

Rod: What do you know of plays? Youre just a woman.

Liz :( Takes the manuscript and kisses it.)In the beginning was the word.

Rod: Thats right make a mockery of all thats art. This should be burnt

before it corrupts all other art. I cant stand by and let such utter nonsense

make you or anyone else take this as dramatic art.

Liz: Youre just a worm ball!

Rod: Throw it away! Cast it to the flames! For such rubbish is fit for

nothing else.

Liz: Youre not getting your hands on this again. Eds going to have it

back. You shouldnt have had it without his permission. This is his to

have and to hold.

Rod: And may it burn to ashes. (Attempts to snatch the manuscript from Liz but

fails.) Give it here. Its nothing but corruption to all actors and the world.

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Liz: I want only the truth of what he says here to be spread. Its such a

play that it will split the world in two.

Rod :( Laughs.)Oh, my Sweet. Such nonsense. Here bring it to me that I

may tear it to shreds and save you and the world from such a badinfluence.

Liz: No.

Rod: Here. Give it here. (Tries to grab the manuscript but Liz runs off upstage

with it.)If you so much as show that play to anyone your career is done for.

I shall make sure you never act again. Your name will be taboo.

Liz: Ill show it to whomsoever Ed wants it shown.

Rod: The guys a complete head case. No ones going to even look at it.

Liz :( Holds the manuscript against her breast and stands upstage with it.)Ed shall

have it back. You had no right to take it. Youre just a cruel man!

Rod :( Laughs.)Take it. Take the damned thing and shove it up Bones

backside. There it can cause no harm to any, but him. (Laughs.)Take it! Go

with it! Let Bone have his damned play and may it damn him for forever

for the loser and lunatic he is. :( He claps his hands hard.)Hes nothing. Hes

nothing. Just a has-been. Go take it to him! Let his dammed eyes search

for something of merit in it.

Liz: This will make him. Its the best play hes written.

Rod: Go. :( Makes gestures with his hands for her to go.)Go suck up to his

lostness and drown with him in his mediocrity.

Liz: I love him.

Rod :( He hears nothing of this, but smiles.)Take him around with a lead like a

dog for the fools worth nothing. (Laughs and walks upstage and out of the door.Liz watches him in silence. The light fades.)

End of Scene Two.

Act Two. Scene Three.

Late afternoon. Rod and Liz are sitting on the sofa. Ed is walking back and forth

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across the lower stage. In his right hand, he is holding the manuscript. He is muttering

to himself, but it is not understood by either of the other two. Suddenly he stops and

stares at them.

Ed: Thieves! Cheats! I thought I could trust you, Lizzy. I thought you at

least were trustworthy. Him I didnt expect anything from, but you?

Liz: He found it, Ed. He was the one who had it. I merely brought it back

to you.

Rod: You read it too.

Ed: My new play and you both touched it and read it. How could you?

Why?

Liz: Its your best play ever, Ed.

Rod: Its utter rubbish and if you had an ounce of artistic honesty left in

you, youd burn the damned thing.

Liz: Shut up, Rod!

Ed: My new play. (Holds it by his fingertips as if it were suddenly

unclean.)Contaminated. (Holds it between finger and thumb.)Tainted. Stained

with your blood. (Runs and places it on Lizs lap and then runs back to the edge ofthe stage.)Youve spoilt it. Youve soiled it with your hands and eyes.

(Pause. Brushes his hands against his trousers.)Im infected now by your

humanity and sins. Im ruined. (Looks out over the auditorium.)They have

dirtied me. (Points behind him at the two on the sofa.)Polluted as if they had the

damned pox!

Liz: Ed, please listen.

Ed: Fouled on by them as if I were someSome? Some what?

Rod: The plays utter nonsense and you should be thankful I discovered

that before the theatre world. Youd be a laughing stock!

Liz: Shut up! Youre a laughing stock. People think youre a second rate

actor, but are too kind to say so.

Rod: Only second raters would say that.

Ed: Some what? Have I been corrupted? I was pure. I was as pure as the

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Virgin herself was. (Pause. Turns and stares at Liz and Rod.)Unadulterated.

Uncontaminated by the world and its sins.

Liz :( To Rod.) Youre no actor. Ive acted with the best and youre the

lowest.

Rod: Whos lying now? Youre only a woman so whats to be expected.

Liz: How dare you upset, Ed.

Rod: Upset him? (Laughs.)I come not to upset him, but to bury him.

Ed: I was unpolluted by the stench of the worlds greed.

Liz: Ed, your play is a masterpiece.

Rod: What is it with you, Honey; you want this guy in your bed?

Ed: I was clean. Clean. Clean. Clean.

Liz:(To Rod.) Ive had him in my bed. We made love. (Pause.)

Rod: With him? (Rod glares at Liz and then Ed.)You had him in your bed?

Ed: Untainted by the corruption of humankind.

Liz: Yes, and he was damned good.

Rod: He was in your bed? (Rod stands up and breathes deeply.)That man was

in your bed? (Liz stands up and walks towards Ed.)You made love to that?

Liz: Yes. At least hes a man.

Ed: I was as wholesome as brown bread.

Rod :( Rod follows her and grabs at her arm, but she pulls herself free. They stand

and stare at each other. Ed seems unaware of them.)Now Ive heard it all. Now

youve lost your mind. His sickness has tainted you.

Liz: Id rather be tainted by him than be touched by you.

Ed: I was chaste. Unsullied. Uncorrupted. Innocent. (Pause. All three stare atthe auditorium.) Innocent as a child.

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Rod :( To Liz.) Whats he got thats so corrupted you?

Liz: Genius.

Ed: I remember as a child holding my fathers hand and thinking how big

it was.

Rod: Genius? (Laughs suddenly.) Hes no more a genius than I am. Hes a

fraud. Hes deceived you. Hes conned you, Baby, and youve been

pulled in like a dumb fish.

Liz: He has talent. He has the touch of God on his shoulder.

Rod: Hes a schemer of the lowest order.

Ed: It was a big hand. Hairy and clumsy.

Liz: I know he has that touch because he makes love like a god.

Rod: The guys a swindler. Hes swindled you and the whole damned

theatre world into thinking hes got talent.

Ed: But I thought it a thing of beauty because it represented safety.

Liz: Ive never made love to any man like I did with Ed.

Rod: His whole packet of dramas is one big racket. A big hoax. Deceit at

its worse.

Ed: And do you know what he said? He saidWhat did he say?

Liz: It was as if the world has suddenly stopped and held its breath.

Rod: The guys a fake. A counterfeit dramatist.

Ed :( Grabs Lizs hand and takes her along the stage away from Rod. Liz and Ed gaze

at each other.)What did my father say?

Liz: Be kind to women. He said be kind to women.

Rod: You two deserve each other. Two nuts in a fruitcake.

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Ed: Yes, yes, thats it. Be kind to women. Do you know why he said that?

Liz: No. Why did he say that, Ed?

Rod: Youre mad. (Pause.)A damned foolish woman, Lizzy!

Ed: Ive no idea. (Laughs.) My mother treated him like a laddered

stocking.

Rod: The guys crazy.

Liz: Perhaps your father loved her.

Ed: What? Loved her? He loved women, but her, no. He treated herkindly, but he didnt love her. He treated her like a lady, but he didnt

love her. (Pause. Releases Lizs hand.)What did Wittgenstein say?

Liz: I dont know, Ed.

Rod: Who cares what this Wittgenstein said.

Ed: Maybe he said be kind to women, too.

Liz: Maybe he did, Ed. Maybe thats what he said.

Rod: Lizzy come away from Bone. Hes tainting you with his madness.

Ed: Tractatus Logico Philosophicus!

Rod: Whats he on about now?

Liz: Shut up, Rod!

Ed: The perfect language mirrors the world.

Liz :( To Rod.) You only know shallow thoughts and feelings.

Rod: Youre being tainted, Honey, by this lunatic.

Ed: This ultimate language, pictures the configuration of reality.

Liz: Is that what Wittgenstein said?

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Rod: If you mix with loony tunes, you get caught up in their crazy world,

Lizzy. You lose contact with the real world. You fall into the abyss of

insanity.

Ed: Whats real, Liz?

Liz: What?

Ed: Whats real? What is this reality?

Rod: Throw him out! I told you to get rid of him.

Liz: Will you shut up, Rod.

Ed: My father had large hands. My mothers hands were small and

fragile. I never felt safe her holding my hand. Her hand was limp, thin,

and small. Not safe hands at all. Very insecure hands. Limp and white.

Liz: Did you love your mother, Ed?

Rod: If his mother had any love in her, shed have drowned him at birth.

Ed: She said things likeLike what? Do you know what my mother

said?

Liz :( She cuddles Ed as if he were a child.)Did she say she loved you, Ed?

Ed: She may have done. I cant remember.

Rod: See? He cant remember. He cant remember a damned thing.

Liz: I think she would have said that, Ed. Mothers say those sorts of

things.

Rod: Mine didnt. She never ever mentioned that she loved me.

Liz: Im not surprised.

Ed: My mother was a disappointed woman.

Rod: Whod be surprised by that? One look at you and she saw her whole

life flash before her eyes.

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Liz: Rod, if you cant say anything nice, say nothing.

Ed: Didnt Wittgenstein say that?

Liz: Say what?

Ed: What you just said.

Rod: Whats with this guy, Wittgenstein? He your uncle or something?

Liz: If you cant say something nice say nothing, you mean?

Ed: Yes. Im sure thats what he said.

Liz: Did he?

Rod: Who gives a damn what he said.

Ed: Or was it my mother? (Pause. Liz and Rod look at Ed. Ed moves out of Lizs

arms and walks away from them.) Be kind to women, my father said.

Liz: Were moving away from your play, Ed. Can I act in your new play?(She walks to where Ed is standing.)I would love the main part.

Ed: Ill have to think. Ill have to think about that.

Rod: Whats to think about, Bone? Your play wont get to the stage

anyway. No director worth his salt is going to risk anything by you these

days.

Liz: You certainly wont be in it.

Ed: I need to think.

Liz: Rods not going to be in it is he, Ed?

Rod: What a dumb question. Id rather sweep the streets than be in his

damned play.

Liz: Thats all youre fit for.

Ed: In the beginning was the word. (Moves away from Liz again.)And the

word wasWhat was it? Ive forgotten. (Taps his head with his right fist.)

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Liz: In the beginning was the word and the word was God.

Ed: God? The word was God?

Liz: Yes.

Ed: Why God?

Liz: Thats what it says.

Ed: But why, God?

Liz: Its in the Gospel of St John.

Ed: You know what my mother once said?

Rod: This is ridiculous. The guys rambling like a damned rose.

Liz: Leave him be. (Pause. Ed moves upstage to the sofa and sits down. Liz and

Rod watch him, then walk to the sofa, and sit down either side of Ed.)My mother

once said that if you dont eat your vegetables youd never be clever.

Ed: Your mother said that?

Liz: Yes.

Ed: Mothers are very wise arent they? They say things like that dont

they?

Liz: Yes. Yes they do. (Pause.) They say things like that.

Ed: I wonder what Wittgensteins mother said?

Liz: The same I expect. Mothers seem to say the same things.

Rod: What would your mother have said about your plays?

Ed: She didnt like my plays. She never liked them at all. (Silence. Ed sitsand stares at his hands. Liz looks at the auditorium. Rod looks at Liz. Light fades.

End of Scene Three.

Act Two. Scene Four.

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Early evening of the same day. Ed walks around the sofa. The room is dim except

around the sofa. Liz is sitting on the sofa.

Ed: Do you know what being crucified is like? (Liz looks at Ed, but says

nothing.)I remember in some church somewhere, I cant remember where,

might have been in Europe, might not, I cant recall just where it was. But

there was this huge crucifix hung high above the altar. It was so life like

that it was frightening. As if, you were actually watching the actual

crucifixion. The Christ Himself was hung there with such a sad

expression on his face that you wanted to climb up there and get him

down. (Pause. Ed stops and sighs.)The hands were like claws. You could

almost feel the pain in your own hands by looking at them. I can

remember feeling nails in my hands. Strange isnt it?

Liz: Thats the power of art.

Ed: This wasnt just art this was passion. I really felt the nails in my

hands as if this Christ had said to me Hey! You, feel the pain in here. And

I did.

Liz: How long ago was this, Ed?

Ed: I felt the nails as if I was hanging there myself.

Liz: Ed? How long ago was this?

Ed: And the look on the face was one of extreme agony.

Liz: Ed?

Ed: I remember looking at the face and thinking how can you convey that

pain and agony to the stage? I do. I remember asking that.

Liz: It was just a crucifix.

Ed: This was more than art. This was the sharing of something deeper and

more terrible.

Liz: Ed? Can you hear me? :( She rises up, takes Eds hand, and pulls him onto

the sofa.)How long ago was this?

Ed :( Looks into Lizs eyes.)You have beautiful eyes.

Liz: Was it recently?

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Ed: Those are the eyes of a woman in love.

Liz: Ed, will you concentrate. How long ago was this?

Ed: How long ago was what?

Liz: This church visit. The crucifix.

Ed: How do I know. It seems just a few days ago, yet at the same time, it

seems years ago. Do you know what its like to be in love?

Liz: Ed, youre digressing. How long ago was this visit?

Ed :( Takes hold of Lizs hand and kisses it.)I want to tell you something.

Liz: What?

Ed: I have been crucified.

Liz: Youre tired, Ed. You need to rest.

Ed :( Kisses Lizs cheek.)I want to say something to you.

Liz: What?

Ed: I want you toI want youI wantIWhat do I want, Liz?

Liz: Relax. (Pause.)Youre Ed Bone. Do you know that?

Ed :( Frowns.)Am I? Am I not the crucified?

Liz: Youre Ed Bone a dramatist.

Ed: Dramatist?

Liz: You write plays. Good plays.

Ed: In the beginning was

Liz: The word.

Ed: The word? What was the word?

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Liz: God was the word.

Ed: I remember what Wittgenstein said.

Liz: What did he say, Ed?

Ed: He saidHow far could words express anything? What can words

actually say?

Liz: Ed? Are you going to rest?

Ed: How can I rest? The whole world is waiting.

Liz: Ed, please, listen to me.

Ed :( Rises up, goes quickly to the edge of the stage, and stares out at the auditorium.)

I remember my father saying be kind to women. Women were to him a

special breed. A kind of art form. He loved them. He would have loved

them all, but my motherMother? What did my mother say?

Liz :( Goes up to where Ed is standing and hugs him as if he were a child.)Rest. It is

too much for you at the moment.

Ed: No, no, she never said anything that made sense.


Ed: She was at the foot of the cross.

Liz: What cross?

Ed: My cross. She was standing there looking.

Liz: Ed? Are you listening?

Ed: My father never knew what Wittgenstein said. He never wanted to

know.


Ed :( Moves quickly along the edge of the stage as if he were a trapeze artist.) I wantyou to play in my play. I want you. I want you. (Pause.)Have you seen my

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new play?

Liz: Yes. Its your best ever.

Ed: I want you to play the lead. I want you to be the main artist of myplay.

Liz: Do you mean that?

Ed: I said it didnt I? (Looks out at the auditorium.)Never be a playwright. Its

an arduous task writing plays. (Laughs.)I remember my first play being

performed by absolute amateurs and they almost killed the damned thing.

I dont know why I let them. Why did I? Liz? Why did I?

Liz: Youre too kind.

Ed: I want to be crucified.

Liz: Come and rest, Ed. Come to bed and rest.

Ed: Thats what my mother said. She was always saying that.

Liz :( She goes to Ed, takes his hand, and takes him upstage.)You need to rest.

Youve a lot to do tomorrow. Youve got to try and concentrate. This

play must be produced somewhere. Time is very important.

Ed: Time past and time futureTime gentlemen, please.

Liz: Come to bed, Ed. Please come and relax and lay down your head and

find yourself again.

Ed: Mother said that. She was always saying things.

Liz: Come on, Ed. (Pause.)Come on and rest.

Ed: Night, night, ladies, Night, night. (He allows Liz to lead him offstage.Lights dim and fade.)

End of Scene Four.

Act Two. Scene Five.

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Late evening. Ed and Liz are in a bed together. The room is dim except over the bed

and wherever either Ed or Liz goes.)

Liz: Rods gone. He left this evening.

Ed: Gone? Gone where?

Liz: To hell for all I care.

Ed: So the Yanks gone as he? Gone far, far away. (Laughs weakly.)He was

a good actor you know. Only not on the stage. He acted best in his every

day life, but on the stage, he was mediocre. Mediocre.

Liz: What about your play?

Ed: What about it?

Liz: You must get it on stage.

Ed: Must I?

Liz: Yes. Its essential for you to be seen with a good play on stage again.

Ed: Is it?

Liz: Yes. Its important for you to be seen again. Your play will save you

from

Ed: From what? From what, Liz?

Liz: It will save you from the obscurity youve fallen into recently.

Ed: Oh, Ive fallen have I? Fallen? (Laughs.)I hang by my hands, Lizzy.

Lizzzzzy. Lizzzy. Lizzzy. Im the crucified. I hang for all time. I cantfall. Im nailed up high.

Liz: Ed, please. (Wraps her arms about him.)Dont do this to yourself. You

must focus your mind.

Ed: Do you remember last night?

Liz: Yes. We made love.

Ed: I had supper with a few friends.

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Liz: We made love and you were wonderful.

Ed: And I was betrayed.

Liz: Ive never made love to anyone like that before. (Kisses his cheek.)Ed

you and I were made for each other.

Ed: One of my so-called friends betrayed me.

Liz: And you said I could be the actor in the main part of your play.

Ed: He sat there and damned betrayed me. :( Pushes Liz away, moves out of

the bed, and sits on the edge.)The damned fellow betrayed me.

Liz: I want to be the lead, Ed. This is important to both of us. This is so

important that you must succeed.

Ed: And do you know what he did?

Liz: Ed, please, come back here to me. (Ed moves away from the bed and goes

to the edge of the stage.) Its important that you come here to me.

Ed: Do you know what he did?

Liz: No. No, Ed, I dont know what he did. What did he do?

Ed: He kissed me. Kissed me. He betrayed me, the damned fool, with a

kiss.

Liz: Who are you talking about, Ed?

Ed: That man who was here this morning.

Liz: Rod?

Ed: So thats what hes calling himself now is it? So he lies to all and

sundry? Not just to me. He lies to all.

Liz: Ed? Are you listening?

Ed :( Looks at the auditorium.)Its done. You have witnessed it.

Liz: Ed Bone. Ed Bone?

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Ed: A man whom I thought was a friend has betrayed me.

Liz :( Gets out of bed, runs to Eds side, and caresses him.)I can save you, Ed. I

can save you. Come with me. Back to bed.

Ed: Never trust a friend, my mother may have said.

Liz :( Leads Ed away from the edge of the stage towards the bed.)Trust me. I will

save you from your madness.

Ed: Too late. Too late. Ive been betrayed.

Liz: Please, Ed. Please come. Please come.

Ed :( Allows Liz to take him to the bed where he sits down.)In the beginning was

the word.

Liz: The play will be staged.

Ed: And my mother said, Be kind to God.

Liz: We can make love and tomorrow we can act your play.

Ed: And my father said, Be kind to your mother.

Liz :( Lays Ed down in bed and lies next to him.)You and I, Ed. And your play.

Ed: What did Wittgenstein say?

Liz: Make love to me, Ed.

Ed: So thats what he said. Thats what he said. (Smiles. They kiss. The lightgradually fades until all is dark. Silence.)

End of Act Two and Scene Five..

43

Wake Me Up When You Go

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