Vital Conversations by Alec Grimsley

Praise for

Vital Conversations“At last a book that delivers on its promises. I have found the

approach, mindset and skills here invaluable for creating strongerrelationships and enhancing leadership excellence. If you want

more transparency, integrity and accountability in your conversations then I strongly recommend this book.”

Peter Collyer, Vice President of Global Human Resources, Disney

“It is so easy to see myself (and others!) in so many of the situa-tions Alec describes… but what is really excellent about this bookis the practical, doable behaviour changing solutions. I wish I’d

read the book before my first job, before my first marriage,before my first child… fortunately, it’s not too late, even now!”

Ipe Jacob, Senior Partner Financial Markets Group, Grant Thornton

“In an era where leadership needs to be more humble, we alsoneed to be honest with those around us. Alec’s book is a fantastic

manual to help people do the right thing, the hard thing, the difficult thing.”

Aaron McCormack, CEO, BT Conferencing

“In today’s current economic climate, business survival willdepend heavily on a leader’s willingness to face up to reality andengage others in difficult conversations that will either make orbreak the company’s future. If you’re serious about your own

development, your key relationships and your company’s successthen make this book a priority.”

Graham Kingsmill, CEO Maxima and former CEO, SAP UK

“I have over the years been asked to review several business books.Quite frankly most of them are as boring as cold toast! Alec’s book isthankfully not one of those. I found when I started reading it I didn’twant to stop. I learnt things I frankly should have known, and am

ashamed of getting wrong for so long, simple but effective techniques.I heartily recommend it.”

Jo Haigh, Head of Corporate Finance, MGR and author of Talesfrom the Glass Ceiling, A Survival Guide for Women in Business

“The ability to step up and successfully engage in a vital conversationis a key attribute of an effective leader and yet surprisingly, this skillset is usually absent from leadership development programmes. My

research into emerging leadership paradigms reveals that this aspect ofcommunication skills is crucial for success in today’s complex business

environments. Alec’s approach to raising tough issues with transparency, integrity and respect is both refreshing and inspiring.”

Vlatka Hlupic, Professor of Business and Management,Westminster Business School

“What are the most critical incidents which have shaped you as aleader? This book is an invaluable resource to aid your ability to

undertake those defining conversations that can either make or break ateam, relationship or key project. I recommend it highly.”

Megan Reitz, Client & Programme Director, Ashridge Business School

“At last, a robust yet accessible book that guides you like a SATNAVthrough the complexities of your most difficult conversations.”

Jan Bloomfield, Executive Director of Workforce &Communications, West Suffolk Hospital

“A rich and valuable resource... Alec Grimsley offers his readers theinsights, the tools, and the courage to tackle their most dreaded,

stomach-churning conversations. Best of all, his highly ethical approachlights the way to honest dialogue and genuine understanding.”

Adele Faber, co-author of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen &Listen So Kids Will Talk and Siblings Without Rivalry

“What is left unsaid often causes more problems than what is said.This book takes the fear out of those difficult conversations we’d allrather avoid. It’s clear, well organised and, above all, totally practical,with strategies that can transform your business and personal life.”

Jurgen Wolff, author of Successful Scriptwriting and Your Writing Coach

“Alec Grimsley has provided an invaluable addition to thedifficult/vital conversation arena. If you read one self development

book this year make sure it’s this one!”Malcolm Stern, Channel 4 presenter, psychotherapist and

specialist in conflict resolution

“This book is largely common sense, but a kind of common sense thatis rare. When faced with the need to have, or during, a vital

conversation, most of us are beset with a variety of strong emotions,and then our good sense flies out of the window. This book illustratesmany situations with clear examples from home and work life, andwalks the reader through a series of approaches and preparatory

processes that should make our vital conversations far less dauntingand more rewarding – for both parties. A vital read!”

Sir John Whitmore, author of Coaching for Performance andChair of Performance Consultants International

“An essential read for any CEO who must have that conversation tomake the impossible possible.”

Chris Bown, Chief Executive, West Suffolk Hospital NHS Trust

Vital Conversations

Making the impossible conversation

POSSIBLE

Alec Grimsley

First published by Barnes Holland Publishing Ltd in 2010

Barnes Holland Publishing LtdThe Old StarChurch StreetPrinces RisboroughHP27 9AA

© Alec Grimsley 2010The right of Alec Grimsley to be identified as the author of thiswork has been asserted in accordance with the Copyright,Designs and Patents Act 1988.

ISBN: 978-0-9563128-0-8

British Library Cataloguing in Publication DataA catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in anyform or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying,recording and/or otherwise without the prior written permissionof the publishers. This book may not be lent, resold, hired outor otherwise disposed of by way of trade in any form, binding orcover other than that in which it is published, without the priorconsent of the publishers.

Printed in the UK.

Contents

Acknowledgements ixPrologue 1

PART I: INTRODUCTION 111 How to Get the Most from This Book 122 Why We All Avoid Vital Conversations 223 Your Vital Conversations Audit 31

PART II: UNDERSTANDING 434 Shifting to Third-Generation Thinking 445 Gaining Self-Mastery 626 Developing Self-Awareness 707 Story Time 868 Managing Your Emotional State 100

PART III: PREPARATION 1159 Preparing for Your Vital Conversation 11610 Understanding the Dynamics 152

PART IV: THE CONVERSATION 17011 The Stages of a Vital Conversation 17112 Skills for Vital Conversations 17713 Ending the Conversation 21214 Giving Bad News 216

Afterword 229Vital Conversations Coaching Tool 231Index 239About the Author 245

Part IPart I

IntroductionIntroduction

11How to Get the Most from This Book

“An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes to be madein a very narrow field.”

Niels Bohr, physicist and Nobel Prize winner

II magine asking someone who’s never been to London todrive to an address in the central business district with nomap or GPS. Not only would they frequently get lost and

therefore frustrated, it’s likely they would give up easily or even betoo overwhelmed to attempt the journey in the first place.

Like navigating a major inner-city road network, both vitalconversations and the people involved in them can be complexand unpredictable. I offer this book and my experience as yourpersonal satellite navigation system, helping you plan a route to asuccessful conversational destination. Like a top-of-the-range satnav, I’m also here to advise you of roadblocks and danger signs,offering you the skills to reverse out of verbal cul-de-sacs and theresilience to handle the strong emotions of a person who’s experi-encing the conversational equivalent of road rage!

I start by offering a verbal map of how this book is organ-ised to support your learning and progress. Each chapter isdesigned to help you to break down even your most difficult con-versations into manageable chunks, increasing your belief andmotivation to create a successful outcome.

Why we all avoid vital conversations

Everyone procrastinates over things they find difficult, includingconversations. Chapter 2 explains why and helps you face up tothe costs of doing so, as well as outlining the essential elements ofa vital conversation.

Your vital conversations audit

You will get more value from this book if you connect the learn-ing to actual conversations that you need to have. Knowledge israrely transformed into personal wisdom unless you apply whatyou learn to the real world. If you use one of your own examples,the book comes to life as your vital conversations coach. UseChapter 3 to highlight which conversations you want to have inboth your personal and your professional life.

Foundational mindsets

“Who you are speaks so loudly, I cannot hear what you are saying.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Chapter 4 explores three levels or “generations” of thinking thatpeople either consciously choose or habitually fall into during avital conversation:

v First-generation thinking is the fight/flight response, a knee-jerk reaction to a real or perceived threat, including a difficultconversation that feels psychologically unsafe. Unfortunately,this is still many people’s predominant mindset, leading toeither hostility or docility in their vital conversations.

VITAL CONVERSATIONS 13

14 HOW TO GET THE MOST FROM THIS BOOK

v Second-generation thinking has “command and control” at itscore. It has evolved from first-generation thinking to include acleverly disguised veneer of interpersonal skills. From thismindset you can achieve win/lose, short-term results by manip-ulating the other person to your way of thinking. I will addresswhy this level of thinking is so prolific at both work and home,as well as the long-term consequences for relationships thatcome from this frame of reference, including the erosion oftrust and an increase in scepticism and resistance.

v Third-generation thinking represents a new level of conscious-ness. It demands that you significantly raise the bar mentally andbegin to see your interactions as “mutual understanding conversa-tions”. In this mental space you are no longer motivated by amindset of winning or losing or right versus wrong, but insteadyou allow your approach to be guided by underlying values suchas compassion, courage, curiosity and collaboration. When theconversation is vital and challenging, these under lying valuesbecome your compass. They don’t guarantee a successful outcome,but they do give you a fighting chance of staying resourceful, look-ing after the relationship, and finding a productive way forward.

Mastering your emotional state

“Let’s not forget that the little emotions are the great captains of ourlives and we obey them without realising it.”

Vincent Van Gogh

If you build a new house on unstable ground, then at some pointyou’re likely to encounter major structural problems. In the sameway, the foundation of an effective vital conversation is your abil-ity to start from a secure emotional footing.

Have you ever experienced the following situation? You’refeeling really angry about someone’s behaviour or a decision

they’ve made, and that person is in close proximity to you. Eventhough you know that what you would like to say will probablyhurt the relationship and not solve anything, you seem powerlessto stop yourself and in the blink of an eye you’ve blurted some-thing out that you later regret. To cap it all, you were the one thatwas negatively affected by this person’s actions, and now due toyour outburst you’re the one who ends up apologising!

In essence, you can either have your emotions or they aregoing to have you. With increased self-awareness and some prac-tical tools, you can begin to gain far more control over your emo-tional state and subsequently behave more effectively in your con-versations with other people.

In Chapters 5–8, having explained how the mind and bodycan combine to generate powerful feelings, I share strategies andtools for recognising the signs that you are becoming emotionallycharged. Rather than switching off from your emotions, goingneutral or numbing out, I explain how to cultivate the skill ofobserving and acknowledging strong feelings.

Once you can go beyond denying or suppressing your feel-ings, you can:

v Choose not to act on these powerful emotions.v Generate different and more resourceful emotions like curios-

ity, courage and compassion.v Share with other people how you are feeling in a safe and

respectful way.

Understanding and preparing for a vital conversation

“One of life’s most painful moments comes when we must admitthat we didn’t do our homework, that we were not prepared.”

Merlin Olsen



In Chapter 9 the book coaches you through a pragmatic approachto preparing for a vital conversation. The concepts and coachingtools will enable you metaphorically to go to higher ground, gain-ing a broader, more rational perspective on the issues and peopleinvolved and increasing your confidence to engage in the conver-sation ahead. Crucially, you will discover how to question andreassess your perceptions of the issues and people involved.

From the mini case study below you can see that Gareth’swords and approach to the conversation are being heavily influ-enced by his perceptions or “mental story” as I call it (annotatedin the left-hand column).

Unlike Gareth, you will gain insights into taking control ofyour own mental storytelling, becoming ruthlessly honest withyourself about its accuracy and validity. Unfortunately, through acombination of being unconsciously controlled by his percep-tions, unchecked emotions and a lack of preparation, Gareth’skneejerk conversation was doomed from the start, and now notonly does he have a strained relationship with Elizabeth, he’sprobably derailed any chances of getting his new product propos-als back on the table any time soon.

You can also see how Gareth has cast Liz as someone withdubious motives. In this section of the book I will also raise yourawareness around how quickly both parties can inaccuratelyassume negative intentions due to the impact of the other person’sbehaviour and actions. Furthermore, if you are able to be brutallyhonest with yourself, you will gain significant insights into howyou may have contributed to the issues you want to discuss.

Gareth, the marketing director, is walking to Elizabeth’s office. Elizabethis the manufacturing director. Twenty minutes earlier, Gareth was facing abarrage of searching questions from Elizabeth in the weekly senior man-agement team meeting. Her questions raised doubts in the CEO’s mindabout Gareth’s plans for a new product line and the CEO all but killed thepossibility of taking this innovative product to market by asking Gareth to“Put in on the back burner for the time being”, which was an indirect wayof saying forget it! Gareth is angry with Elizabeth, because in his mindElizabeth’s aggressive questioning was just not necessary, given that the

What Gareth was thinking and feelingbut didn’t say

GARETH: I see. Now you’re conveniently ina rush. You probably thought you’dget away with your SS interrogationstyle and now you don’t want to havea difficult conversation with me.

GARETH: Don’t try and play the innocentwith me.

GARETH: Typical Liz, playing the paid to bepessimistic card, to hide your realagenda around not having to changethings.

What they actually said to each other

GARETH: Hey Elizabeth, I need to talk toyou about what happened in themeeting.

ELIZABETH: Sure, but it’ll need to be quick.GARETH: Let me get straight to the point.

Was it really necessary to underminemy ideas on the new product line?

ELIZABETH: I’m not sure what you’re getting at.GARETH: You know exactly what I mean,

Liz. You killed off this project before iteven had a chance of being proven awinner. Why do you have to be sodefensive to new ideas?

ELIZABETH: Look Gareth, I have 10 years’experience and I’m paid to make surethis company can actually produceand deliver on its promises to the customer. I only asked the questionsthat any half-decent manufacturingdirector should. If you struggled tocome up with the answers to satisfythe board, then don’t blame me foryour lack of preparation.

GARETH: Come on Liz, be honest with me,you just saw this new product line as abunch of extra work you don’t need.

ELIZABETH: I have people waiting outsidefor a meeting, so if you’re insinuating Iplaced personal reasons ahead of thecompany’s best interests, I think this isa conversation we’d better have withthe MD and the HR director present.So if you want to accuse me of dubi-ous intent, please talk to my PA andarrange a meeting. I have nothingmore to say on the matter.

product was still at the concept stage. He is a firm believer that the futuresuccess of this company needs to come from fostering innovative ideasrather than killing concepts even before they have had a chance to beproven. Gareth also has a story in his head that Elizabeth, who’s been inher position for 10 years, just wants an easy life and doesn’t want theheadache of considering new production processes and factory layouts,and that it’s in her own interests to kill off initiatives like this before theycan gain any momentum.

Here is the conversation, in which I have added what Gareth isthinking but not actually saying.



In Chapter 10 the book will conclude your preparation byunpacking the conversational dynamics of what will actuallyoccur between you and the other person once engaged in dia-logue. Gaining insights into the make-up of a vital conversationand also reconnecting to the spirit of the third-generationapproach is a perfect foundation from which to apply your new-found conversational skills.

Mastering the conversation itself

Because vital conversations can involve high stakes, powerfulemotions, differing opinions and even a sprinkling of historicalbaggage, they are likely to contain a significant degree of unpre-dictability. Just when you’re thinking “This is going quite well”,something is said that is a negative trigger to either you or theother person. The conversation now faces a real possibility ofgoing into an irreversible downward spiral.

Rather than a vital conversation being a linear, step-by-stepprocess, it’s more akin to a game of snakes and ladders. Just like inthe game, you want to reach a successful end point, but if you hita conversational roadblock, it’s like landing on a snake and theconversation takes several steps backwards. Conversely, sometimesyou see eye to eye or clear up a misunderstanding and shoot up aladder, creating a breakthrough moment in your dialogue.

Even with good preparation, many conversations neverrecover from a poor opening. You may be so nervous that you takean eternity to name the issue, or you may follow a steam trainapproach that delivers “the problem” so hard that the other partyemotionally shuts down before the conversation has had a chanceto get started.

You also need the inner resilience and conversational dex-terity to be respectful with someone who hasn’t responded well toyour best efforts at kicking off the conversation. In the face of

high stakes or differing opinions, it is easy for the other person tobecome angry, sad or generally overwhelmed. When this occursyou need to know how to pace and acknowledge these strongemotions, giving you the best possible chance of keeping a pro-ductive conversation alive.

This part of the book primarily focuses on the skills youneed to maintain a respectful and productive dialogue. You willbecome more aware of how the approach you take and the wordsyou use can hurt or heal relationships. I invite you to familiariseyourself with new ways of talking, which can dramatically increasethe chances of creating collaboration and in many cases a mutu-ally beneficial outcome.

There will also be times when the other person may be usingwords or making assumptions, accusations or comments that arevery difficult to hear or accept. This is where you need techniquesfor remaining calm and centred. I explain skills that enable you toclarify and challenge the other person’s words and thinking whilemaintaining rapport and productive two-way communication.

As your vital conversation progresses, it is critical to developa shared understanding of the other person’s perceptions, con-cerns, feelings and needs. Chapters 11 and 12 highlight how youcan achieve this and then build on the mutual understanding tocraft potential solutions, agreements and, if required, clearlydefined next steps. Chapter 13 discusses the tricky subject of end-ing the conversation, and Chapter 14 is devoted specifically towhen you have to give another person bad news.

Helping you navigate this book

This book incorporates the latest thinking on accelerated learn-ing. You will get the most from it if you, most importantly, applywhat you read to real vital conversations that you need to have.The following icons indicate important points.


Coaching toolThe coaching tool gets you ready for engaging in yourvital conversation. You can either use the one at theback of the book (page 23) or go to my website,www.alecgrimsley.co.uk/coachingtool, and download

the document to your computer using pass code mentoringtool1.The coaching tool helps you view the conversation you want tohave in its entirety so that you can prepare effectively.

At various points in the book, indicated by the coachingtool icon, you will be prompted to return to the coaching tool toget ready for the next part of your vital conversation.

Key learnsThroughout the book you will see the key learn icon.These soundbites are small enough to keep at the forefront of your mind, and help remind you of some ofthe fundamental learning that underpins my approach.

Mini exerciseAt some points I ask you to take five minutes away fromyour reading to reflect on or practise a particular aspectof the learning, indicated by the exercise icon.

Case study/real-life case studyA book can never replace the skill-building practice ortwo-way feedback offered by a workshop, but I havemade every effort to provide detailed examples thatshow you how to apply the learning in this book to your

vital conversations. From my experiences as a mediator and facil-itator of conflict, I have created case studies based on real-life con-versations to illustrate key concepts and common mistakes inhigh-pressure conversations.

I have also interviewed people who have agreed to sharetheir stories about challenging episodes in their life and their expe-



rience of having or procrastinating over vital conversations. Theirnames and some elements of the case studies have been changedto maintain confidentiality.

Top tipsThis icon indicates useful hints and tips to add to yourtoolkit for conversational effectiveness.

WarningThis icon lets you know about potential pitfalls or bigconversational no-nos.

To begin the journey, I first want to take a look at why we allavoid vital conversations.

22Why We All Avoid Vital Conversations

“How soon ‘not now’ becomes never.”Martin Luther, German priest

YY ou probably like to think of yourself as honest, open andtransparent. Then again, do you really want to tackle theboisterous work colleague who dominates air time at

meetings? Can you bear the unease of potentially derailing yetanother holiday with your spouse by raising that sensitive issue?Isn’t it just easier to let it go and keep the peace?

Missing the moon

According to space expert Dave Woods, if you were to aim arocket at the moon but your aim was 1 degree off, you would findyour spacecraft missing its lunar target by 1,978 miles, a pretty bigmiss by anyone’s standards. It’s a similar story when you procras-tinate over a vital conversation: that can be a significant factor indetermining the ultimate destination of a business project, rela-tionship or key life goal.

A vital conversation is like a fork in the road. In your heartof hearts you know what needs to be said and having the conver-sation is your best shot at taking the direction that’s most likely tobenefit you, the project or some wider goal. When you procrasti-nate, you run the risk of taking the other fork. A week later you’reheading down a path that feels further and further away fromwhat’s right or useful and you’re often increasingly frustrated.

Weeks or months later, you find yourself many miles from whereyou want to be. How did you get so far off track?

Real-life case study

Dina and Toby had recently found out they were expectingtheir second child approximately five years after their first.They quickly came to the realisation that the home they wereliving in would not easily take another child without building an

extension. There was another reason for wanting to move. Toby’s motherSheila lived only a couple of streets away and she visited frequently togive Dina a hand with the chores and look after their son David. In the firstyear Dina and Toby were very grateful for this help, but as time moved onand Dina became more confident and competent with David, she becameincreasingly frustrated with her mother-in-law’s views about how Davidshould be raised. Sheila would also make negative comments about Dina’sparenting skills to Toby without talking to Dina first.

So Toby and Dina told Sheila that they were planning to movearound 20 miles away, to an area that was both good for primary schoolsand close to Toby’s place of work. Instead of the negative reaction theywere expecting, Sheila said, “What a great idea, I can see you’ll need amuch bigger house. In fact, I’ve been wanting to talk to you about an ideathat might be great for all of us.” She went on to explain that she wasthinking of selling her house as it was too big for her since Toby’s fatherhad died. Wouldn’t it be a great idea if they combined their financialresources to find a place together? Sheila spoke for a good 15 minutes,explaining the many advantages of a live-in grandmother. Dina was inshock and Toby didn’t know how to respond, so the fact that they didn’tsay no became a vague yes to Sheila’s proposal.

Although Dina was horrified at the thought of her escape route turn-ing into a life sentence, Toby was the oldest of Sheila’s children and believedthat he should take the most responsibility in making sure his mother wasOK. Toby and Dina definitely didn’t want Sheila to live with them, but neithercould face the turmoil and guilt that a transparent conversation of thisnature might bring. The thought of having the conversation seemed morepainful than the long-term consequences of letting the issue slide.

As a result, they avoided the conversation and within two weeksSheila had sold her house for the full asking price. As each week cameand went, it became harder and harder to reverse out of the situation. Sixmonths later they were all living together in a very nice home with anannexe on the side for Sheila. Little David was over the moon thatGrandma lived only a wall away and Toby was going through a period of


24 WHY WE ALL AVOID VITAL CONVERSATIONS

self-justification to get straight in his mind the crazy situation he foundhimself in.

As for Dina, over the next two years she became more and moredepressed about the situation. Her relationship with Sheila grew morepolarised and eventually Dina took a part-time job just to get away fromthe house. This created a huge amount of guilt and internal conflict forher, as it meant that Sheila played a bigger role in raising David andMegan, the new baby, and Dina felt that her need for space was compro-mising her relationship with her children. Unfortunately, another conse-quence was an increasingly strained relationship between Dina and Toby.Toby was stuck between his mother and his wife, who in his words werebitching about each other, and he was numbly accepting of the situation.

Three years after the move came the straw that broke the camel’sback. Sheila made a low-level dig and Dina exploded. In just five minutesshe directed three pent-up years of anger and bitterness at her mother-in-law. After such a painful exchange, they no longer felt able to be in thesame room together.

You might think at this stage they would have made plans for Sheilato buy a separate home, but unfortunately in those three years Sheila’shealth had deteriorated and Toby could not face the guilt of moving herout. Dina and Sheila did find a way to live together, but it wasn’t easy andit certainly wasn’t stress free. Sheila passed away three years later.

So one degree out or one vital conversation not had and you canmiss the moon or end up somewhere you definitely don’t want to be.It’s probably easy for many people reading the true story above to say“I would have never let it get that far” and in this context maybethat’s true, but in what other contexts do you avoid those must-haveconversations and what price do you pay for your silence?

Here are some of the reasons you may procrastinate:

v You know there is a high degree of uncertainty in the situation.Opening that can of worms could lead to tears, silence or amore fundamental issue that’s even harder to talk about.

v You are aware that these conversations do not always solve theissue in one hit and that you may need more time to resolve it,creating ongoing anxiety between the conversations.

v You have long-held beliefs that conflict and disagreement arenot psychologically or physically safe.


v You find conversations like this overwhelming, so you maybecome defensive and say things you don’t really mean.

v You struggle with knowing how to begin this type of conversa-tion and often find yourself skirting around the key issues.

v You hate the levels of anxiety these confrontations invoke andyou feel emotionally drained after a conversation of this nature.

The costs of avoiding vital conversations

From a business perspective, the costs of avoiding difficult con-versations can be simply gigantic, both financially and in terms ofteam morale. Consider some research conducted in large corpora-tions. This examined why so many company projects either sig-nificantly underperform or fail completely. Based on interviewswith thousands of employees from over 100 major organisations,the feedback is startling:

v Nearly one third of employees described current projects theywere working on as slow-motion train wrecks.

v Three quarters of those said that challenging the key decisionmaker was impossible.

v 40% of those said that the project was salvageable, but only10% felt confident enough to speak up.

In another study of major firms in the US, 40% of workers inter-viewed stated that their manager had allowed inappropriatebehaviour to go unchallenged for over a year, while 30% claimedthey had put up with the behaviour for over four years!

The key reasons that many employees remained silent wasthat they didn’t have the confidence or skill to engage in thepotentially difficult yet vital conversations that were required.

Nevertheless, my experience with over 35 FTSE 250 com-panies and other large organisations like the NHS tells me that


the inability to have vital conversations can lead to the followingconsequences for a business:

v Ineffective performance management. v Low individual and team morale because of the failure to chal-

lenge inappropriate behaviour. v Lack of team solidarity at strategic meetings at board level,

where untested assumptions, misunderstandings, power playsand politics can lead to poorly supported decisions.

v Considerable financial consequences arising from employmenttribunals and payoffs.

v Disgruntled key personnel leave, reducing the talent pool andoperational effectiveness and leading to costs to hire new talent.

v HR departments overwhelmed with employee issues that linemangers fail to address.

v Key business projects failing to deliver because team membersare unwilling to challenge poor decisions.

v Loss of both clients’ trust and business if difficult issues or badnews are not communicated early enough.

At the time of writing this book, the UK, Europe and the US arefacing one of the most damaging recessions since the 1920s. In adownturn it is critical to have the ability to hold vital conversa-tions, not for business success but for business survival.

The costs to people’s personal lives are also considerable.With enough coping mechanisms like alcohol, food, shopping orwork to distract you, you can almost forget there’s a problem atall. But the downside to avoidance is that every day you don’taddress a difficult issue or behaviour:

v You feel a little more resentful. v You may become more confused or feel a sense of hopelessness. v The emotion builds, which makes it even harder to talk with-

out getting upset.

v You don’t get your needs met.v Slowly, you mentally turn the other person into a monster. v You explode at the smallest thing they do.v You begin to implode and lose your self-esteem and confidence.v You feel that the other person is further violating your bound-

aries and expectations.v You become ill from the “dis-ease” of not speaking the truth

about what is most important to you.v In an extreme situation, the other person may pass away and

the opportunity to mend a broken relationship is lost for ever.v Christmas and family holidays continue to be stressful and

inauthentic.v One or both parties in the relationship numb out and the rela-

tionship is doomed to apathy or continuous compromise.

Key learn: You might pay a heavy price for procrastinatingover your vital conversation.

An Arabic saying goes, “If something happens once it’s veryunlikely to happen again, but if it happens twice you can be sureit will happen for a third time.” If one of your key relationships oran important aspect is not working and it’s been that way for awhile, it’s unlikely to improve on its own. I’m going to assume thatif you’re reading this book it’s likely you’ve decided that you’re theone who needs to bring this conversation to the table. Let’s beginto take a look at what that conversation might entail.

The DNA of a vital conversation

If you were to unravel the genetic code of a vital conversation, youwould find five DNA strands:



v High stakes with significant real or perceived consequences.v Opposing viewpointsv Uncertaintyv Historical baggage and bias.v Powerful emotions.

I want to look at each of these in turn.

High stakes and potential consequencesYou can broadly categorise high stakes and potential consequencesinto two categories:

v Physical/tangible: One example is an expensive and mission-critical project that’s going off track and could make or breakthe company’s future.

v Psychological/intangible: A good example is when a seniordirector becomes highly defensive after receiving very specificand accurate negative feedback around their leadership style.The feedback conflicts with how they see their own capability.To acknowledge the feedback as valid may cause this directorgreat anxiety and uncertainty. So instead they go into denialabout the credibility of the feedback.

In the case study concerning Dina, Toby and Toby’s mum Sheila,the high stakes were primarily psychological. Dina’s peace of mindand happiness were continually compromised, but if they hadattempted to engage in the vital conversation, both Sheila andToby’s psychological identities (how they see themselves) may wellhave been challenged. Sheila’s self-image as supportive grand-mother might have been threatened if they moved without her,and she would wonder how to fill her time without the childrenin her day-to-day life. Toby, in his view of himself as the eldest andtherefore most responsible sibling, had a strong pull to be therefor his mother now his dad had passed away, and might not have


been able to reconcile his guilt around his complex motives formoving home.

Opposing viewpointsIf high stakes ignite powerful emotions, then opposing viewpointscertainly stoke the fire. Differing opinions are a good thing andshould be celebrated for the gold nuggets they reveal: challengingthe norm, creating better solutions and developing a broaderunderstanding of how other people see the world are just some ofthe benefits. However, if you approach a difference in opinionfrom the wrong frame of mind, you can end up fanning the emo-tional flames and risk derailing the conversation altogether.

Differences of opinion are usually based on different percep-tions of reality. Compare differences of opinion to the process ofpanning for gold by hand: the actual verifiable facts are as rare as tinyfragments of this precious metal, often going unnoticed in the sandand shale of personal biases and each individual’s need to be right.

UncertaintyBecause of the high stakes, differing opinions and historical bag-gage, these conversations are not just highly charged, they are alsocomplex. Not only do you feel uncertain about how the conver-sation will play out, you may also feel very anxious about yourability to handle the potential left-field curve balls that come yourway in conversations of this nature.

How do Dina and Toby respond if Sheila breaks down in tearsor directs a barrage of guilt and anger their way: “How could you dothis after all I’ve done?”, “What am I supposed to do with my daysnow?”, “David needs his grandma” or, for a really angry reactionfrom Dina, “But we know Dina struggles to cope on her own”?

Historical baggage and biasBaggage acts as a magnifying glass: it amplifies the other four.Have you ever known two family members or work colleagues

who can’t stand each other because of previous negative encoun-ters? Their troubled history makes it virtually impossible for themto sit in the same room, let alone discuss a sensitive issue.

Also, people don’t have to experience a negative encounterwith somebody else directly to carry baggage or bias. Ill feelingbetween religious sects and social conditioning around sexual ori-entation, gender, age and so on can be just as effective in biasingthe perceptions we have of others.

Dina’s numerous unsuccessful attempts at dropping subtle hintsabout Sheila’s level of involvement and feedback on her parentingskills may have left Dina with the belief that Sheila is never going toapprove of her, so what’s the point in having a difficult conversation?

Powerful emotionsI examine powerful emotions and how to handle yours in Chapter8 and the other person’s in Chapters 10 and 12. At this stage it isenough to say that if the conversation has become vital to one orboth parties, strong emotions are to be expected. For some peoplethis raises a significant challenge. You may have been conditionedto hide or suppress strong emotions, but unfortunately, as CarolK. Truman says, “Feelings buried alive never die.” As much as youmight swallow them deep down inside, put on a brave face andsoldier on, when you’re under stress in a difficult conversation,strong feelings have a habit of leaking out to infect your words,your tone and your body language.

In the case study, Dina and Toby are being acted on by apotent cocktail of emotions, including frustration, guilt, excite-ment and hope at the possibility of gaining some freedom fromSheila’s continual presence, however well intentioned.Unfortunately, feelings of anxiety, fear and guilt become pre- eminent and prevent them from having the vital conversation.

Now that you understand something of the elements of avital conversation, the next chapter provides some tools to helpyou identify the conversations you need to have.


Vital Conversations by Alec Grimsley

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