Using Your Words

Perfecting Business

Writing Skills

Jamie Labriola

Staff Develop Coordinator

Ventura County

Using Your Words

WE NEED SOME NEW JARGON, THE PUBLIC ARE STARTING TO UNDERSTAND WHAT WE’RE

TALKING ABOUT!

Objectives

During this training, we will cover:

Business writing guidelines

Best practices

Interactive writing quiz

Business Writing

Be Prepared!

Purpose

Persuade to action

Issue a directive

Provide information

Audience

Audience

Primary

Secondary

Hidden

Audience

Audience

“I want you to take on this new assignment because you are the only person in the office who knows how to do some of these processes.”

“I want you to take on this new assignment because it will give you a chance to contribute to the success of others.”

Audience

“I really want this new assignment because I have always wanted to work with Ted– he always makes me laugh.”

“I really want this new assignment because I have improved practice indicators for my work unit by an average of six percent in the last year and I want the chance to use that experience on the new team.”

Message

??

Clarity

Never use a long word when a short one will do

If you don’t need a word, cut it.

“A wealth of information creates a poverty of attention.”

Clarity

“The most valuable of all talents is that of never using two words when one will do.”

- Thomas Jefferson

Full and complete

First and foremost

Hope and trust

Each and every one

Any and all

Few and far between

So on and so forth

A true fact

Immediate vicinity

Personal opinion

Past memories

End result

Free gift

Terrible tragedy

Red in color

Small in size

Attractive in appearance

Long in length

ModifiersWord Pairs

Redundancy

Attributes

Redundancy

Parenthetical Numerals

Ms. Smith has three (3) child

support cases, all with the Ventura

office.

Written requests for outside

employment must be submitted to the Department Director for all

outside employment in

excess of eight (8) hours per week.

There were two (2) child support

employees and six (6) customers in the lobby at the

time of the incident..

Clarity

Never use foreign phrases, technical terms, unnecessary abbreviations, or any kind of jargon

Avoid “text-speak”, emoticons, and overly casual expressions

Be Efficient

pro·lix·i·ty prō-ˈliks-(ə-)tēnounthe use of too many words to express an idea

Make Your Point

I suggest that we investigate various possibilities in the realm of allocating

scarce resource scenarios as a

protective measure for the day when high

success probability will enable favorable

opportunity costs.

I think we should explore some other

options while we wait for the timing to be

better.

Make Your Point

The various implications of

these synergistic interactions seems to be in harmony

with viable decision

strategies.

I think it is a good idea.

Make Your Point

Our current goal is to restructure vertical

and horizontal relationship

hierarchies as an ever-increasing side effect

while growing potential for action

exponentially toward the statistical horizon.

I have no idea what I’m talking about, but

I don’t want you to know that.

Make Your Point

Limit “business-speak” buzzwords

Don’t complicate/hide your message

Make Your Point

Tailor level of detail to audience

Locate main idea in the first sentence (or first paragraph)

“When we have a Stip, Order, Default, etc., which requires signature by the Commissioner, we either send it over to the Commissioner (Default or Stip) or it remains there after court (Stip/Judgment) for signature. Then it goes in their outbox and the family law clerk comes up to get it eventually. Myra told me it’s not uncommon for those to sometimes sit for days or a week without being picked up for processing because the family law clerk doesn’t always come daily. The clerk then copies it, conforms a copy for us, updates the info in FACTS and then send the conformed copy back here. Once we get the order here we can enter it in CSE and open accounts. So there are delays built into the time it takes to get signed by the Commissioner, sits waiting for pickup and then processing time by the clerk over there. The number of days it took us to get that order isn’t strictly impacted by this because the count will stop at the Judge Signed Date, so that’s ok. But the number of days it takes us to get a payment is impacted by the delays over at court because we can’t open accounts and collect, even with a known employer, until our copy of the order arrives back here. I think it can be up to a month sometimes to get an order back here. Have we ever explored the idea of housing a court clerk here to do all that in house so that we could bring back our own signed orders immediately and process them info FACTS here? It seems like even in addition to that work there would be lots of other clerical processing into FACTS that clerk could do here directly for us which would benefit us because they would have FACTS access that our own legal assistants don’t have. It would be interesting to know the number of days we could gain toward beginning to bring in collections if we could process those here daily?”

“Currently the only document that the legal assistant scans and uploads immediately to CSE is the S&C in case NP comes in to be served. OEXs/Contempts are filed by the legal assistant, and then sent to Central Scan to upload. It can take weeks for the filed copy to appear in CSE. If the NP comes into the office meanwhile and we want to serve him we need to go back to the legal assistant to create a duplicate of that filed copy which involves interrupting his work, the legal assistant must research ARMS to see when the document was filed, etc., so it can be recreated exactly and by the same legal assistant who filed the initial one. Additionally, when PLSS emails us that they couldn’t serve the OEX/Contempts and there is still time to effect service so we don’t love the court date, we try to locate NP for service again. If we convince NP to come in, we have to recreate the document to serve because it isn’t in CSE. Sometimes we find NP in jail or court where we don’t use PLSS for service, but they have the only filed copy of our document. I have to go to PLSS’s website to download a copy of our own document that we sent them to serve and then email it to CSP to serve at court or jail. I believe that it would actually be quicker for the legal assistant to scan the document on their desktop scanner and associate it to the case in CSE than the time that it currently takes for the legal assistant to work that same document in the Central Scan pile to scan and prepare it to go up to Central Scan and then wait a few weeks for it to show up in CSE. If they are going to scan and prepare the document to go up to Central Scan to be associated with the case, why don’t we just scan it immediately when it’s filed and they are in the case on CSE so it’s available to anyone who has the opportunity to serve it rather than having to create the document a second time. I think this would save a lot of time and be more efficient.”

Strike the Right Tone

• “Would you please return the document to me by Friday?”

• “Return the document by Friday.”

• “Please return by Friday.”

• “NEED BY FRIDAY-THX”

Strike the Right Tone

• “Scrooge, Inc. will not award holiday bonuses due to the recent decline in profits.”

• “Unfortunately, due to the recent decrease in sales, Scrooge, Inc. will not award bonuses this year. However, we want to thank you, as always, for your outstanding contributions and invite you to our annual holiday party.”

Sentence Structure

Use mostly short, simple sentences

Vary structure for audience/purpose

Parallel structure for series

Sentence Structure

Parallel Structure

“To improve communication, I suggest• meetings conducted once a week• hold conference calls each month• I’d recommend budget reports to be

produced every quarter.”

Sentence Structure

Passive

“The net profits were grossly overestimated.”

“The demographic was oversaturated by an additional 15,000 brochures.”

Active

“The finance team grossly overestimated the net profits.”

“The marketing group oversaturated the demographic by an additional 15,000 brochures.”

Sentence Structure

“Mistakes were made…. Fortunately

the passive voice came to our

rescue.”

Finish Strong

Restate action items: “I will need your decision by Tuesday to

ensure the binders are ready for the meeting next week.”

Explain next steps “Once I receive your forms back, I will review

them and respond to you within two business days.”

State your position “Based on these circumstances, I feel that we

should move forward with the reorganization.”

Proofreading

Cut and paste errors

Spell check errors

“Eye halve a spelling chequer It came with my pea sea

It plainly marques four my revue Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.”

Proofreading

Program MS Word to avoid common autocorrect issues

HAS instead of HSA

File > Options > Proofing > Autocorrect Options

Formatting

Graphics

Headings

Blank space

Bulleted lists

Formatting

Font

“This reprimand is issued for inefficiency, neglect of duty, and acts incompatible with public service.”

“If you fail to appear, we will refer your case for legal action.”

“I just don’t understand why my ideas aren’t taken seriously!”

Which sentence is written correctly?

A. The field name was “Employee”.

B. The field name was “Employee.”

C. Don’t Know

Commas and periods always go inside quotation marks.

Which sentence is written correctly?

a. We will meet with all Associates and their Managers on Monday to discuss the Year-End Report and Company Budget.

b. We will meet with all associates and their managers on Monday to discuss the Year-End Report and the Company Budget.

c. We will meet with all associates and their managers on Monday to discuss the year-end report and company budget.

Do not capitalize the names of positions within the company unless they precede the person’s name (“President Jacobs”) or follow the name in the address or closing of a letter. Do not capitalize words that are not names of one specific thing, as in “2010 DCSS Year-End Report.”

Which sentence is written correctly?

a. Their software turned out to be the best; by far.

b. Their software turned out to be the best; I recommend it.

c. Both are correct.

Use a semicolon only when there is a complete sentence before the semicolon and a complete sentence after it.

Which sentence is written correctly?

A. Give us the following data; employee addresses, employment history, and current salaries.

B. Give us the following data: employee addresses, employment history, and current salaries.

C. Give us the following data, employee addresses, employment history, and current salaries.

Use colons when you have finished the sentence and are adding information after the colon that explains a word or idea in the sentence. Do not use a semicolon for a comma.

Which sentence is written correctly?

a. Come to the meeting with your notes about the upcoming conference, the outreach plans for next year and the journal ad.

b. Come to the meeting with your notes about the upcoming conference, the outreach plans for next year, and the journal ad.

c. Come to the meeting with, your notes about the upcoming conference, the outreach plans for next year and the journal ad.

While the practice was to leave out the comma before “and” in a series, business writers now put it in because it makes the list clearer.

Which sentence is correct?

a. The company has four real issues that include: increasing market share, locating a source for more labor, decreasing operating expenses, and locating a suitable CEO.

b. The company has four real issues that include increasing market share, locating a source for more labor, decreasing operating expenses, and locating a suitable CEO.

c. The company has four real issues: increasing market share, locating a source for more labor, decreasing operating expenses, and locating a suitable CEO.

d. The company has four real issues, increasing market share, locating a source for more labor, decreasing operating expenses, and locating a suitable CEO.

Use a colon only when the sentence is complete and you are adding information. Don’t use “include” because the reader wonders what you’re not including and why.

Which of the following is correct?

a. The jury is at odds over the verdict.

b. The jury are at odds over the verdict.

c. Don’t Know

A collective noun is a single word that stands for a group of people, like “family,” “committee,” or “jury.” Use the plural verb for a collective noun when the members act as individuals, as in “Our family live in different parts of the country.” Use a singular verb when the group acts as a unit, as in “Our family is named ‘Johnson.’”

Which sentence is correct?

a. Every manager in a business today is held responsible for his or her employees’ activities.

b. Every manager in a business today is held responsible for their employees’ activities.

c. Every manager in a business today is held responsible for his employees’ activities.

Do not use plurals such as “they” and “their” to stand for one person. That is acceptable in spoken English, but not in written English.

Which sentence is correct?

a. Layton Enterprises is able to provide complete tool services, and provides the services in a timely fashion.

b. Layton Enterprises is able to provide complete tool services and provides the services in a timely fashion.

c. Layton Enterprises is able to provide complete tool services and it provides the services in a timely fashion.

Put a comma before “and” when the “and” joins two compound sentences. Do not put a comma if the clause after the “and” has no subject.

Which sentence is correct?

a. He asked, “Where is the loading dock?”

b. This product would sell better if it weren’t named ‘Flysoup.’

c. Both are correct.

Use single quotation marks only when you are quoting within a quotation. Otherwise, always use double quotation marks.

Which sentence is correct?

a. I would like to see us increase production - without decreasing quality - until we match demand.

b. I would like to see us increase production -- without decreasing quality -- until we match demand.

c. I would like to see us increase production--without decreasing quality--until we match demand.

Do not use a hyphen (short line -) for a dash. The dash is a line about twice the length of a hyphen. In Word, if you type two hyphens in a row, the “autocorrect” function will change them to a dash. If you use a dash, do not put blank spaces before and after the dash.

Which sentence is correct?

a. Printing will have to move its label to the top of the box.

b. Printing will have to move it’s label to the top of the box.

c. The softwares manuals weren’t included with the product.

Use apostrophes to show possession. However, do not use an apostrophe with possessive pronouns such as “its” and “his.” “It’s” is a contraction for “it is.”

Which sentence is correct?

a. The shipment included 13 fewer cartons than we had ordered and was four days late.

b. The shipment included 13 fewer cartons than we had ordered and was 4 days late.

c. The shipment included thirteen fewer cartons than we had ordered and was four days late.

d. Both a) and c) are correct.

Spell out numbers from one through nine unless they are used in calculations, graphs, or explanations containing other numbers that are not spelled out. You may spell out numbers from ten through ninety-nine or use numerals. Use numerals for numbers larger than ninety-nine.

Choose the sentence that is acceptable in business writing today.

a. We try to keep the software with the boxes they came in.

b. The trucker decided to cautiously move the boxes to the other side to redistribute the load.

c. The text matched the document for which we were searching.

d. All are acceptable.e. None are acceptable.

Business writers are now putting prepositions at the end of sentences and splitting infinitives. However, many would still say that (a) and (b) are incorrect. To avoid a problem, you might simply change them to satisfy the critics, but you wouldn’t be wrong if you wrote them as they are.

Which sentence is correct?

a. We can not allocate resources to this project and you can not require us to do so.

b. We cannot allocate resources to this project and you cannot require us to do so.

c. We cannot allocate resources to this project and you shouldn’t ask us to do so.

You must spell “cannot” without the space. Don’t use “cannot” or “can” instead of “should.” The person can ask you to allocate the resources, but shouldn’t.

Which sentence is correct?

a. I feel badly about missing the meeting.

b. You performed very good in the presentation.

c. I performed badly because I was watching television while I was studying.

“Feel” is a linking verb. That means that what follows it modifies the subject of the sentence, not the verb. An “ly” word that modifies is an adverb; it modifies the verb. As a result, if you write “I feel badly,” the “badly” refers to the verb, “feel.” It means your sense of touch is bad. You want to describe something about the subject, “I,” so don’t put the “ly” on “bad.”

Which sentence is correct?

a. Freida located the data, however it was useless.

b. We concluded, therefore, that we would have to start over.

c. However, all wasn’t lost because we did have the original records.

d. Both b) and c) are correct.

You must not join two sentences with “however.” Put a semicolon or period at the end of the first sentence and begin the next sentence with “however” and a comma. Make sure the two clauses are complete sentences, however.

Which sentence is correct?

a. The company went public on January 6, 1999, and was out of business in July 1999.

b. The company went public in January, 1999, and was out of business in July, 1999.

c. The company went public on January 6, 1999 and was out of business in July, 1999.

Do not put a comma between the month and the year when just the two appear together. Put a comma before and after the year when you place the year with the month and continue the text after the year: “We hired her on January 10, 2002, and promoted her in August 2003.”

Which sentence is correct?

a. After a long absence he returned to the company.

b. Against the back wall, was the panel we had been searching for.

c. When the project is finished, we will talk about another.

Put a comma after an introductory element to let the reader know the sentence is starting. In this question, “he returned” is the actual sentence; “After a long absence” is an introductory element that comes before the sentence. It needs a comma at “absence, he.”

Which of the following is correct?

a. The cost was $49.00 but the company gave us a bulk discount.

b. We found about 4,000 of the staples in a box.

c. This shipment will contain 3 million rings.

d. The salary increase came to only $.75 for most employees.

If the dollar amount is in whole dollars, do not put .00 at the end. For approximate numbers, spell out the number (four thousand). For numbers with million and billion, write the numeral for the number and the word “million” or “billion.” For dollar amounts less than $1, write the number and cents (75 cents).

Which would follow this beginning correctly:

a. hire a qualified technician.b. purchase the equipment.c. John has to be assigned to

it.d. Money.e. Both a) and b) are correct.f. None are correct.

To finish this project on time, we will have to

The items in a list must have the same structure. Since the writer is using verbs (hire, purchase), all items must begin with verbs (hire, purchase, assign, allocate).

Which of the following sentences uses “which” and “that” correctly?

a. This is the company which recommended the software that we can examine when you are ready.

b. This is the company that recommended the software, which we can examine when you are ready.

c. This is the company that recommended the software that we can examine when you are ready.

Use “which” preceded by a comma when the information that follows the “which” could be taken out of the sentence; it is just extra information. Use “that” with no comma when the information that follows “that” is critical to understanding the word(s) that preceded it.

Sources:

Effective Writing: Prune those patterns of redundancy, wordiness. Minneapolis-St. Paul Star Tribune, Stephen Wilbers, October 14, 2007American Legal English, 2nd Edition, 2007. Debra S. Lee, J.D., Charles Hall, and Susan M. BaroneLegal Writing 201: 30 Suggestions to Improve Readability, Judge Mark P. PainterLoyola University, Writing Across the Curriculum, http://www.loyno.edu/wac/business-writingAlison Green, “Ask a Manager”, 05/09/13, How to Help an Employee Become Less Long-Winded, http://www.askamanager.org/topics10 Steps to Successful Business Writing, Jack E. Appleman, ASTD PressGrammar Girl: Quick and Dirty Tips for Better Writing, http://grammar.quickanddirtytips.com/Ten Tips for better Business Writing, Helen Coster, http://www.forbes.com/fdc/welcome_mjx.shtmlThe Business Writing Center, http://www.writingtrainers.com/Audience Analysis: Primary, Secondary, and Hidden Audiences, Writing Commons, Deedra Wollert Hiciman10 Steps to Successful Business Writing, Jack E. Appleman, ASTD PressGrammar Girl: Quick and Dirty Tips for Better Writing, http://grammar.quickanddirtytips.com/Ten Tips for better Business Writing, Helen Coster, http://www.forbes.com/fdc/welcome_mjx.shtmlThe Business Writing Center, http://www.writingtrainers.com/Going Granular on Online Business Jargon, John Rampton, 01/05/2015, http://www.forbes.com/sites/johnrampton/2015/01/05/going-granular-on-online-business-jargon/Quiz adapted from www.businesswriting.com

Jamie Labriola

jamie.abriola@ventura.org

805-437-8116

Thank you!