Urban Parenting Magazine

Creative Magazine 1

2 Urban Parenting Magazine

CONTENTSU r b a n P a r e n t i n g

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Urban ParentingPublisher

Wilson Manigat

Editor-in-Chief Debbie Manigat

Founded by Wilson and Debbie Manigat in 2013

Urban Parenting MagazinePublished 11 times a year by Urban Paren-ting Magazine LLC., in West Palm Beach, FL. Editorial submissions and reader correspon-

dence are welcome. We reserve the right to edit, reject or comment on any material

submitted. We are not responsible for the re-turn of unsolicited material. Urban Parenting Magazine is available online and at numero-us locations within diverse communities free of charge. Publication and distribution of the

magazine does not constitute an endorse-ment of information, products or services. The publisher reserves the right to reject

any advertisement or listing which is not in keeping with the magazine’s standards.

Copyright 2013. All rights reserved. Any re-production in whole or in part is prohibited

without written permission.

HOW TO CONTACT USWebsite: www.UrbanParentingMagazine.com

Email: [email protected]

Office: (954) 560-8326

Correspondence: Urban Parenting Magazine

P.O. Box 222911West Palm Beachm FL 33422

What Fathers Need to Know...The effects of the subconcious mind on fathers and sons in today’s society.

3 Great Ideas for 4th of July FoodUnique and easy ideas to turn your 4th of July party food into the talk of the town!

Capturing the Sumptuous Days Of SummerSummer Home Decore Every Day!

Things Your Mom Never Told You...Ever thought being a parent was the easiest job to do? Well, think again.

The Four Parenting StylesWhich of these inevitable parenting syles do you relate to the most?

Build Your Dream Home Part IPart one of a two part series that takes you through the details of building your dream house.

Summer Vacation DestinationsSummer destinations that focus primarily on the family.

Encouraging Kids to do Chores...How to get your kids to do their chores without fuss or fight.

Regular

Featured


Debbie ManigatEditor-in-Chief

Editor’s Note

Party with a Purpose!

After asking my son to stop throwing his toys for what seems like the 100th time, I caught him actually doing something that made me proud.

He put one of his toy trucks in a box full of old clothes that we can’t fit anymore and have been meaning to drop off to Goodwill; but as life gets busier, we contin-ue to walk past it and the doantion pile just continues to grow.

When I asked him what he was doing, he replied that Caillou gave his toys to kids who don’t have any and he wants to do the same. I couldn’t help but smile with my eyes a gleam and gasp at the incredible statement this little 3 year old just made.

My heart was so touched, I immediately gave him a hug and lots of praises by telling him what a great idea he had and how his act of kindness will really help bring a smile to a child who may be less fortunate. Finally, I scooped up the big box to take it to the dona-tion center at that very moment; I wanted to reinforce the thought in his mind that giving is good, giving matters, and giving from your heart truly helps people in need.

So this summer as you look forward to family reunions, barbeque’s, fun in the sun, vacations, and more- don’t for-get to party with a purpose and see how you can find teach-able moments in the small things. Here are some ways to serve this summer with your children:

1.) Volunteer to read to children at a local library

2.) Volunteer at your local church, soup kitchen, or com-munity center (They will be so grateful you did!)

3.) Make decorative cards and treats together; then surprise a local nursing home by dropping them off for the residents

4.) Join a local organization for a community clean up or beach clean up

5.) Start an Urban Parenting neigborhood toy drive for less fortunate children in your community (Contact us for more information and tips on how to get started: [email protected])

Shine On!

D Manigat

Creative Magazine 5

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NBA champ John Salley

Up your defenses


Which of the

Four Parenting Styles are You?

“Finding the perfect balance is getting harder and harder. We need to teach our children to be cautious without imparting fear, to learn right from wrong without being judgmental...”

A method of child-rearing is not, or should not be, a whim, a fashion or a shibboleth. It should derive from an under-standing of the developing child...

You can get more information at www. UrbanParentingMagazine.com

There are just as many par-enting styles as there are a number of parents. Experts believe the parenting styles fall into 4 different and identifiable styles: authoritar-ian, indulgent, authoritative, and uninvolved.

Let’s examine this more closely. The first parenting style is that of the authoritarian parent. These parents are like army commanders. They prefer to issue commands and orders to their children and fully expect their children to carry out their orders without questioning them.

Authoritarians do not welcome nor appreciate any feedback from their children. They live by set and defined rules in a structured en-vironment.. These children as we now know, are generally considered to have an unhappy nature about them. Boys generally exhibit hostile behaviour when dealing with frus-tration, whereas girls tend to give up easily when faced with difficult situations. Both the boys and girls however, tend to perform better in school due to their disciplined upbringing.


The second parenting style is the indulgent parent. These parents are generally lenient. They allow a variety of behaviours by their chil-dren that some would describe as immature. Essentially, they let the children look after themselves and avoid confronting them at all costs.

Indulgent parents may also be de-scribed as non-directive or demo-cratic. Non-directive parents are known to parent by default, that is, by taking virtually no action in par-enting of their children. Democrat-ic parents, though lenient, are more aware and show a committment to engage with their children.

The third parenting style is that of the authoritative parent. These par-ents are both demanding and responsive at the same time. Authorita-tive parents while expecting their their children to behave in a certain manner, don’t impose their authority and welcome a certain amount of questioning. They demonstrate a combination of assertiveness coupled with the ability to respond to their children’s feedback. These children appear to be more lively and have a happier disposition about them. Their self-confidence is more developed they seem to be more sure of their abilities. These children also show better emotional control and are more adept in their social skills. Gender stereotypes are also less of an issue with authoritative parents, as they tend to be more open minded in their outlook towards their children’s behaviour, i.e. boys playing with dolls and girls playing with tools.

Lastly, we look at the parenting style known as “uninvolved parent-ing”. As the name suggests, these parents are simply uninvolved. They are neither demanding nor responsive of their children and they are not interested in any feedback from them. These parents are the most likely to be irresponsible and more often neglect their children.

We hope you found the above information insightful and will seek out the many more resources available on this topic online.


S u m m e r V a c a t i o n D e s t i n a t i o n s

That Focus on FamilyFinding the perfect summer destination may be a daunting task for families but here are some ideas that will make your planning less stressful.

Amusement parks are well-known for being “family friendly”. Al-most all amusement parks offer a wide range of rides and attractions geared towards indi-viduals of all ages...

Choosing the perfect summer vacation can be difficult, especially if you have a family. There area a number of vacation destinations that could be considered “family friendly” but not all are. As a parent, you may be wondering how you can find the perfect summer vacation destination for your family.

When traveling with children, the guidelines used to select a vacation destination change. In-stead of choosing a cheap vacation destination or one that is guaranteed to offer excitement, you will need to keep your family in mind. You can do so by targeting your summer vacation destination to the ages of your children.

There are a large number of vacation activities that are only suitable for children of a certain age. You are advised to keep these activities in mind when selecting a destination.

Planning a family vacation around your children may seem difficult, but it is something that all parents must to. If you are concerned with the limited number of activities that your child may be able to participate in, you could work to develop their ability to participate. For example, if you are interested in vacationing at the beach, but your child does not know how to swim, you could easily teach him or her. This action could make a beach vacation doable for your family.

Once you have decided which type of family vacation you’d like to take, you can start selecting a destination. When selecting a destination it is also important to examine the destination’s ability to accommodate chil-dren. For instance, if you are interested in taking a beach vacation, many families choose to stay away from the South Beach area of Miami. Of course, you can schedule your next vacation there if you’d like; however, the area is well-known for its famous nightlife.


Why chooseDisney World?:

A trip to Disney world is not only the hottest vacation destination; it is also a dream comes true for children and adults too! After all, Disneyworld has so much to offer and is considered a magical and wondrous place filled with fun, entertainment, and adven-ture. It is perfect for families, spouses or single folks looking for a great place to vacation.

If you are looking for a vacation destina-tion that specifically targets families, you may want to examine vacationing at an amusement park. Amusement parks are located all around the world and they come in a wide variety of different sizes. For shorter vacations, you can visit a small-er amusement park. For longer vacations, you can select an amusement park that is large in size and has overnight accommo-dations. These amusement parks are not limited to, but are likely to include, Orlando Studios, Six Flags, and Disney World.

Amusement parks are well-known for being “family friendly”. Almost all amuse-ment parks offer a wide range of rides and attractions geared towards individuals of all ages.

In addition to targeting adults and teenagers, many amusement parks offer rides and attractions for infants and toddlers. In some areas of the world, amusement parks are the only summer vacation destina-tions that offer activities that are designed to target toddlers and other small children.

In addition to amusement parks, many families decide to choose a campground or state park as their next summer vacation destination. Camping is a popular outdoor activ-ity. Children of all ages enjoy camp-ing near a lake, pond, stream, or in the woods. In addition to camping, many campgrounds offer activities such as fishing, boating,

and outdoor sports. Families with a toddler may want to closely examine their decision to vacation in the wilderness. Toddlers have the ability to quickly move and sneak around. Being outdoors, unsupervised, is unadvised and poses as a danger for many children.

Vacationing at a well-know campground, state park, or amusement park is ideal for families looking to plan a summer vaca-tion. While they are all popular vacation destinations, it is important to remember that they are not the only destinations available. When traveling with children, you can still select the vacation destina-tion of your choice. However, while doing so, you are encouraged to use your best judgment.

With a small amount of research, it is pos-sible to plan the family vacation of your dreams. There are a large number of popu-lar summer vacation destinations that target families as a whole. Booking a vaca-tion at one of these popular destinations is the best way to ensure that everyone will be able to enjoy their summer.


Capturing theSumptuous Days of Summer

“However you decide to add a touch of summer to your home, do so with happiness and joy”...

Ahhh, the sumptuous days of summer. Clear skies, green lawns, barbeques and trips to the beach. Who wouldnít

want to capture that feeling year-round? Believe it or not, it is easy to bring the style of summer into your own home.Follow these simple, inex-pensive tips, and be on your way to enjoying a summer home in your own home... any time of year!

Front porches and back patios are our favorite spot to relax in the warm-er months. Make an out-door room your favorite escape, too.

So here’s a quick tip. When decorating a particular room, divide the colors into percentages:

60% of a dominant color

30% of a secondary color

10% of an accent color

THE OUTDOORS

ADD SOMECOLORS

“Have nothing in your home that you don’t know to be useful or believe to be beautiful.” -William Morris

Color is Key

Paint is a simple tool that can be used to create a summery atmosphere in any room of your home. Brighten up a living room with lime green walls, a dining room with canary yellow, or a playroom with creamsicle orange.

Lighten up dark wood coffee tables, side tables or bookshelves with salmon pink or eggshell blue. Even painting the inside of a dark bookshelf a bright, summery color can freshen up a room considerably.

Store or cover darker colored items, such as maroon pillows and brown couches, replacing them or covering them with lighter, brighter cover.


Enjoy Summer Every Day!

Decorating golden rule: Live with what you love.

Floral patterns are nice and summery, as is a beach motif. Hang white or see-through curtains over dark drapes to quickly achieve a summery feel.

White is the perennial summery non-color. Repaint-ing walls, bookshelves, coffee tables, and even framed mirrors a cool, crisp white will transform any room. With all that white, donít be surprised if you and your family feel like youíve been instantly transported to Miami Beach!

Fabric of LifeStore or cover wintry wares like velvet drapes and pillows, wool throws, and dark leather couches, ot-tomans and chairs. Donít worry, you can always rotate them back out again when you are ready to return from your summer retreat!

Add summery fabrics, like linen table cloths, cotton flower-print curtains, and gauzy bed skirts. Cover couches and armchairs with bright or floral patterned slipcovers... nothing says summer like light, bright fabrics.

Feel Like FlowersFresh Flowers will give your house a fresh summer look and scent. Keep water in vases clean by changing it often, and throw out flowers as soon as they begin to wilt, replacing them with a different bright selec-tion.

Floral patterns are nice and summery, as is a beach motif. Hang white or see-through curtains over dark drapes to quickly achieve a summery feel.

Decorative floral accessories can be set atop book-shelves, entertainment centers, desks and dining room tables to “summer-ize” a room. Flowers, greenery or a small fountain can also be placed inside an unused fireplace for a more summery feel.

Odds and End TablesChoose a theme that represents summer to you, then decorate a room around that theme. Beach and seaside items, flowers, fruits and birds are just a few themes that lend a summery feeling to any room.

Choose furniture for its summery feel, and dot these items around the house. Add a couple of wicker chairs, a wrought iron and glass coffee table, a white book-shelf or desk, or even a new floral couch (or an old couch with a new floral slipcover!), and transform any room in your house.

However you decide to add a touch of summer to your home, do so with happiness and joy... the energy of summer! Then, make yourself some lemonade, cuddle into your couch or loveseat, and bask in the warmth of your bright, summery home.


Encourgaing Kids to do Chores without a Fight

Remember to praise your child for what he has done, and encour-age him with positive tips, instead of nega-tive feedback.

Chores are a part of life. Studies show that children who do regular chores grow up to be more responsible, productive and successful adults than those who don’t.You may dislike the idea of forcing your kids to do chores, but take force out of the equation, and chores become less of a bur-den, and more just part of everyday life. Below are some creative ideas that will make chores more palatable for your children.

Before you embark on setting up a list of chores for your child to do, you should decide whether or not you will reward him with an allowance. An allowance can be a great incentive to encourage your child to be responsi-ble about completing his tasks.

This should be his money to do with as he pleases, although some educa-tion about saving money and not spending frivolously can add an element of learning that will help him later in life.


Don’t Re-invent the Wheel“There is no magic solution to get kids to enjoy chores. The Best you can do is make it a little more fun... and give plenty of praise”.

Make a list of age-appropriate chores that you consider your child mature enough to handle. Good starters may include taking the gar-bage out, feeding pets, cleaning his room and emptying the dishwasher. It’s your decision as to how many chores he should do throughout the week, and divide them up over the week.

If your child is young, and this is his first time doing chores, it may help to do the chores with him

the first few times, so he knows what is expected, and how to do it properly. He will appreciate your help, and you can even show him that chores can be less boring by turning on a radio and working to music!

At the end of each day, you will have to check the list to ensure that the chores have been done. Leave some time for him to finish anything he forgot. Remember to praise your child for what he has done, and encourage him with positive tips, instead of negative feedback.

Think of ways to make chores fun. Your children might like a chart to keep track of their progress. You can make a chore chart, and reward each chore with a star. To add to the appeal, after a certain amount of stars are earned, you can offer a reward, such as a favorite meal, dessert or even a movie for a special treat.

There should definitely be a con-sequence for failing to complete chores. Nothing too harsh, but no video games after dinner, or no television can really hit home with a child. Make your consequences gentle, yet effective, based on your child’s favorite activities.

Don’t overwhelm your child with more work than he can handle. Starting out, a chore a day, or a few a week may be enough to establish good habits. It can be a little depressing to get home from school, and face a long list of chores, along with homework, so have a heart in the process!

There is no magic solution to get kids to enjoy chores. The best you can do is make it a little more fun, add some rewards and give plenty of praise. You will see that in the long run, those small chores will help your child to grow into a re-sponsible adult.


The reason building a new home can initially seem so complicated is because there are so many details that you have to put together.But with these tips you’ll have your dream house in no time!

BuildYour DreamHome: Part I

For most of my adult life I had thought about someday building my Dream Home. Several years ago I finally got the chance. I had purchased a lake front lot with a small cottage on it. My initial intention was to use the property “as is”, and someday raze the old cottage and build a new home in its place. After a couple of weekends in the musty old camp I came to the conclusion that I needed to speed up my timetable.

Part of the dream in building my own home was to act as the General Contractor and to personally supply a great deal of sweat equity. I accom-plished both of these goals, however it was not easy. There were many roadblocks and bends in the road along the way. In the subsequent parts of this chronology, I will review my experiences in hopes that others may gain from my experiences.

Determining the Home Style and Size

After making the decision to raze the cottage and build a new home, I had to first determine what type and size of home to build.


My lot was limited in size and required careful planning to ensure that I would meet all of the setbacks governed by the town I lived in. Although I had these concerns, I decided to forgo the Architect route. I deemed it too expensive and probably not necessary for the style of home I wanted to build. Instead I picked up a handful of Home Plan magazines and surfed the internet for home designs. I also picked up an inexpensive software pack-age for designing homes and floorplans. After a week of reviewing home plans, I found one that met most of my requirements in terms of a floor-plan. The footprint was smaller than I wanted, but I concluded that I could redraw the floor plan accordingly using my newly purchased Home Design Software Package.

The Home Design Software package was not as simple to use as the in-struction manual implied, however after a couple of weeks I had a floorplan with all the dimensional information.

Assuming the role as the General Contractor

As I had indicated earlier, one of my goals was to assume the role as General Contractor on this project. I quickly learned that banks frown upon lending construction mort-gages to everyday homeowners and to folks who have little professional building experience. I got around this issue by deciding not to use the banks for financing. However, from what I learned later, it may have been possible for me to assume a construction mortgage if I had quit my day job and applied for the loan as a “full time General Contrac-tor”. Indeed, I would have needed to complete a full proposal to the bank with all costs and subcontrac-tors identified, but this is necessary anyways.

As the General Contractor I devel-oped a build schedule and task list. Some of the top items included: Identifying subcontractors, pulling permits, and having a septic design approved.

Carefully Pick your Sub-Contractors

Identifying the right subcontractors is the most important task a General Contractor performs. Poor selection of subcontractors can lead to delays in schedules, cost overruns, poor workmanship and strife between the various subcontractors on the job. Prior to hiring subcontractors, it is important to visit their cur-rent jobsites. Review their work on existing jobsites and mingle with the other subs to judge the working relationship. In addition get two or three reference checks on the sub-contractors.


If there are poor workmanship, personality issues, or references move on. Do not settle for second rate subs, even if it means slipping your schedule or costs goals, as you will more than likely suffer even larger schedule slips or higher costs by hiring the wrong people.

Pulling Permits

Once you have selected and hired your excavator, chief framer, and founda-tion company, review with them your plans. Make sure you walk the site with them, and carefully stake out the house footprint, paying careful atten-tion to lot setbacks, septic tanks, leach fields and well location. Once all are agreed upon with the house plans and the location of the home, contact the building inspector and review with him/her your plans. You will need to submit a very thorough package to the building inspector prior to getting approval. There are frequently town and state forms that need to be filled out regarding wetlands, and home thermal analysis. In addition, detailed engineering drawings of the proposed home may be required. In my case the Framer was able to assist in developing additional sketches of the house plan to ensure structural compliance to local, state and federal building codes. If I had used the initial home plans I had obtained, those would have been sufficient. I also could have contacted an architect with my selected plans to provide additional details, however it was not necessary in my case.

After about a week and several hundred dollars later I had the permit to build a new home.

Septic Design

My home required its own septic system on site. As a result, I required a sep-tic design and an associated permit for the new home.

I recommend pursuing this as early as possible in any new home project as this can take up to 2-3 months to com-plete as both town and state approvals are required, not to mention site and engineering work.

Without knowing exactly where the septic system and tank will reside, it may be difficult to locate the exact position of the home and in many cases the building inspector may not approve the building permit until the septic design permit has been obtained. I was fortunate in that the property already had a small septic system on the lot, so the building inspector gave me approval. I was at financial risk, however, in the event the new septic design was not approved or needed to be repositioned from the proposed location. Fortunately that was not the case and I was able to move forward on razing the cottage and beginning site work.

To Be Continued...

In Part 2 of “Build Your Dream House”, I will cover razing an existing building, performing site prep work, and pour-ing foundation walls. Stay tuned for the next feature in Urban Parenting Magazine!

For more help on building a new home, visit: www.UrbanParentingMagazine.com

Gain insightful tips, inspiration for unique home decor, and so much more!

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Things Your Mom Never Told You About Parenting“Here’s the truth about parenting: It’s one of the hardest things you’ll ever do but in exchange it teaches you the meaning of unconditional love.”


If you have a sense of humor, com-mon sense and lots of love, you are well on your way to being a great parent.

When you were a child, you probably looked at your mom and thought that she had the easiest job in the world. Now that you have children of your own, you see that it is not something that is clear cut and simple. Children do not come with a manual, but you can get a better grasp of par-enting if you pay close attention to the information here.

You need to physically be there for your child, and being there emotion-ally is just as important. Just because you are in the same house as your child and you do things like fix din-ner and do laundry, that does not mean you are really there for your child. If your child gets the feeling that everything is more important to you but them, that means you have some serious changes to make. A child is not an accessory, so keep that in mind when dealing with them.

Never put down former partners in front of your children. There are many parents that go through a divorce and they spend time talking negatively about each other.

This is wrong, but it is especially terrible if it is done in front of the children. You want your child to know that they have two loving parents that care enough to get along. That should be more important to you than throwing digs at one another.

Knowing your child’s friend and their parents is very impor-tant. Many people think it is old fashioned to keep track of your children, but this is important if you want them to be safe. Meeting your child’s friends will let you know what to expect when you are not around. For example, if your child’s friend is abrasive and rude in front of you, it is likely they will act this way otherwise. You should definitely meet the par-ents if your child wants to spend time at a friend’s home.

Discipline is a necessary evil. When you were younger and your mom punished you, thoughts probably ran through your mind about her being the worst person in the world

Now that you are a parent, you can probably tell that discipline is defi-nitely necessary in some cases. This does not mean that your child needs to be punished for every little infrac-tion, but you should make it clear that breaking the rules is grounds for reprimand.

Never take things too seriously. If you don’t know how to have fun with your children, you are definitely missing out. There is nothing like spending time with your child and letting loose. During this time you should focus on your parent-child bond and how much this is strength-ening it. if you are serious all of the time, it will give your children the impression that you don’t enjoy hav-ing them around.

If you have a sense of humor, com-mon sense and lots of love, you are well on your way to being a great parent. There will be bumps in the road, and many of them may be quite large, but this article will pre-pare you for a lot of it.

For more tips, secrets and advice on parenting- visit:

Urban ParentingMagazine.com

The #1 Source for Diverse Families!


3 Great Ideas for 4th of July Party FoodsSpruce up this 4th of July’s potluck with some unique and tasty party foods ideas from Urban Parenting!

Add some fun to your 4th of July party food. If you are tired of the same old burgers and hot dogs on this celebra-tion, go ahead and add more to it or change it up the way that you would like to. There is no rule that the food should be one thing or another. In fact, a potluck of choices is the most American of all ways to celebrate. Gather up some new menu ideas and make this fourth of July fun and enjoyable for everyone.

Need some help coming up with fun ideas for party food? If so, there are more than a few things that you can do. Here are some great ideas.

Add more choices. Instead of just burgers and hot dogs, why not cook up some shrimp, crab or even lobster?


You can add chicken, fish and steaks to the menu. Yes, you can cook all of this right on your grill (with the help of a side burner in some cases) and still enjoy the grilling atmosphere that the 4th is all about.

Dress up dessert. How about a cake that is in the shape of an American flag?

For red stripes, go with strawberries in rows. For the stars, add enough blueberries to make them shine through. Frost the cake white and decorate. This is a great way to make a special treat.

Don’t forget the drinks. You can make various types of drinks special by just adding in flavored ice cubes, in blue and red, of course. To make them, add straw-berry and blueberry flavoring to the ice cube trays. Or, just use the right colored Kool-Aid to make it work. Drop them into drinks for a festive yet fun way to add to your food celebration.

You can add virtually any side dish, any dessert and any type of appetizer to your menu and find those that will love it. The only rules to consider about food for the 4th is that it should be something that does not require fine china, something that can handle being out in the sun and something that is all about fun eating. You can come up with your own fun menu of foods, but donít forget that some will want the traditional fare nonetheless.

The only rules to consider about food for the 4th is that it should be something that does not re-quire fine china...


What Fathers Need to Know...

“A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a dis-tant authority figure who can never be pleased...

An in depth look at the effects of the subconscious mind on fathers and sons in today’s society.

M any fathers grew up without fathers of their own. As a result, they have no subconscious clues to guide them in day to day interactions with growing, changing children. Some react with raging voices and punishment to regain a sem-blance of control. Others withdraw into silence and distance.

Girls who grew up with mothers train their children as they were trained unless they make a conscious decision to do exactly the opposite.

Even then their mothers words slip off their tongues unwanted.

When my teenaged daughters started swearing at each other in a grocery store parking lot I yelled at them, “Stop that”! You sound like a couple of fish wives.

Their mouths dropped open. “What’s a fish wife” I once asked. My words in the heat of the moment were not mine. They were my mother’s and grandmother’s. We all laughed at my attempt to answer her question.


O ne thing that will amaze you is how quickly the years will fly. The time you have with them is short and precious —

make the most of it. Spend as much time as you can with them, and make it qual-ity, loving time. Try to be present as much as possible while you’re with them.

Relax and Cherish the Simple Moments

Silent and absent fathers leave their sons no phrases or ideas to rebel against and then later repeat to their children. Worse, their sons have no foundation for their identity. They seek it instead on the street or on the battlefield.

Stepfathers

Stepfathers of sons usually have two strikes against them:

1. Competition for the mother and

2. Confusion about their power in the relationship.

If they donít recognize these strikes to begin with, they suffer the pain of help-lessness and none of us likes to feel helpless and out of control. It enrages us. Children often arouse that feeling and get the brunt of the rage.

Mainstream American Culture

In a highly competitive society, fathers often find themselves competing with their growing sons. Sons, seeking their own identity and respect, reject their fathers even as they compete with them. They NEED fathers to push against. Absent or silent fathers do not provide the essential battering ram boys need to form their specific identities.


According to the National Society for Fathering, the average age that sons most dislike their fathers is 17. This is both nor-mal and healthy. Unfortunately, most fathers don’t recognize the importance of this period of dislike. Too often, love is the last feeling fathers and sons let themselves feel for each other or express.

Stories abound about famous men and their sons. Kirk Douglas loved and competed with his two sons. Only one, Michael, competed with him enough to equal his success. The other died in middle age from alcohol-related disease. Michael turned out to be as famous and respected as his father. At middle and old age these two are free to love each other.

My father loved all three of his sons, but only two competed with him successfully. However, he wept with love when the son who did not compete came home from the war. It was the only time I saw my father openly express his love for a son.

Our former president, George Bush, loved his sons, too. One competed the most and became president, too. But the com-petition continues beyond middle and old age. When George senior was president, George W. said in a 1989 interview, “I have to make a fairly big splash in the pool for people to recognize me. My pool has been expanded so much because of who my Dad is. The advantage is that everybody knows who I am. The disadvantage is that no matter how great my accom-plishments may be, no one is going to give me credit for them”. (Newsday, Long Island newspaper)

To compete with his father, George junior had to behave outrageously, be more decisive, more bullish than his father had been as president.

George senior maintained the compe-tition as evidenced by his presentation to Ted Kennedy of the 2003 George Bush award for Excellence in Public Service. The award announcement praised Kennedy as an “inspiration to all Americans”. (10/18/03 Boston Globe) Certainly Ted Kennedy’s prin-ciples do not resemble those of George W. Bush. In similar subtle ways George senior shows his disapproval. (He is now friends with Bill Clinton.)

This father-son ongoing competition is pretty well hidden, yet bits and pieces sneak out to the press often enough to know it’s still active.

Recognition of the role of one’s sub-conscious mind can ease the resolution of conflict, rendering conflict unneces-sary rather than unavoidable.

Father Survey

The poets of San Luis Obispo, Califor-nia conducted an informal survey at the local Farmers Market.


The heart of a father is the mas-terpiece of nature.

When asked the question, “How well do you know your father on a scale of one to ten, 100 randomly selected adults answered:

With one standing for “Who?” and ten for “very well” 11 respondents chose 10, 7 chose 9, 15 chose 8, 12 chose 7, 3 chose 6, 3 chose 5, 17 chose 4, 9 chose 3, 13 chose 2, 10 chose 1

The younger the respondent, the more likely came the question, “Which father?”

One comment that came back by email seemed most typical. An adult son wrote, “Both my bio dad and step dad are gone from this earth. And I never really knew either one. They were men troubled all their lives and suffered John Wayne Syndrome”!

The National “Write-to-your-Father’s Day” one week before Father’s Day encourages an end to silent suffer-ing, to John Wayne syndromes, to bitterness and loneli-ness. Writing letters to fathers whether or not they are still alive, whether or not there’s a known address, changes the writer for the better. And delivered letters change the fathers.

Here is one that came by email. This writer didn’t ask his father the prescribed question: What do you do that is most enjoyable, most scary, most exciting, and most satisfying? Because he was one of the few that chose number ten on the scale, he felt that he knew the answers. Feel what happened, though, when he wrote to his long dead father:

Dear Dad,

How is the weather down there? I know it must be particularly hot this time of year. I was asked by someone how well I know my father. I know you well enough to know that if they have an air conditioning concession down there, then you have total distribu-tion rights and you have by now probably cornered the market on ice cream as well.

I am sorry it took me so long to write. If that poet had come up with her “Write Your Father” holiday earlier, I would have written you sooner. I hope you do OK down there. I know it is probably too hot for you to throw those tantrums you used to throw when I would demonstrate my extreme absent-mindedness. I have not got-ten any better by the way.

Remember how you used to call me all those names wrapped in epithets when I would forget something?

Well, I tell you what, Dad. If you can for-give my absentmindedness, I will forgive you your tantrums. Let’s call it even. I love you as much as you loved me, Dad, and you know that is more than zero. Wishing you a hell of a time,

-Your son

When a son knows his father’s love is more than zero, he knows something truly significant no matter how late he discov-ers it. When all of us recognize the role of our fathers in our subconscious thoughts about ourselves, we gain greater control of our lives.

BEST TEN THINGS A FATHER CAN DO

1.) Know himself to the core 2.) Recognize his hot buttons 3.) Recognize the source of his hot buttons 4.) Accept his hot buttons 5.) Feed himself physically and emotion-ally 6.) Forgive himself 7.) Laugh with, not at 8.) Walk a wavering middle line with discipline 9.) Lead by example more than by words 10.) Understand his child’s need to push against him at each stage of pend-ing separation.

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