Dr Celia Banting 1

Understanding the self to initiate behavior change and increase effective communications

An alternative way of perceiving the self and others.

Dr Celia Banting 2

Sign Posts

• Who am I?• Where do I come from?• Why am I here?• What makes us who we are?• The Five parts of the Self• Using the Five parts of the Self• Keeping the Self safe

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What makes us who we are?

Our genes Learning from others

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Psychological Messages and Decisions

Children soak up non-verbal information, “Psychological Messages,” like a sponge, and they make subconscious “Decisions” about themselves and others… Good and Bad!!!!

However, there’s one problem with this process and that is that children have immature brains and believe their assumptions about these psychological messages are the truth. It’s called Magical Thinking (Occurs during 2 – 7 years old)

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Transactional Analysis“Life Positions”

I’m OK You’re OK

I’m OK You’re not OK

I’m not OK You’re OK

I’m not OK You’re not OK

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Dr. Eric Berne’s 3 Ego State Theory

P

A

C

Parent Ego State; Behaviors, thoughts and feelings copied from parents or Parent figures

Adult Ego State; Behaviors, thoughts and feelings which are direct responses to the here and now

Child Ego State; Behaviors, thoughts and feeling replayed from childhood

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Ego State Breakdown

A Adult Ego State; remains unchanged as unaffected by the past

P P

C C

Controlling Parent Nurturing Parent

Adapted Child Free Child

Parent and Child ego states are replays of the past and are split into two components.

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Contaminations

Parent contamination =

Prejudice

Child contamination =

Delusions

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Exclusions

The Parent ego state is blocked out and therefore they haven’t

developed a conscience and don’t care about anybody else

P

This describes a sociopath

“Its all about me”

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Exclusions

Coupled with a Child contamination.

This describes a Psychopath

“The voices in my head told me to do it”

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Piaget’s stages of cognitive development

Sensory motor Stage 0 -2 years Reflex based, hand eye coordinated learning

Pre-operational

Concrete Operations

Formal Operations

2 -7 years

7 – 12 years

12 years up

Self Orientated, Egocentric Child still effected by own

perceptions

Logical reasoning can be applied to objects

that are seen

Think abstractly, reason theoretically. Not all people reach this

stage

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The Five Parts of The Self

Beginning at the bottom in developmental order – birth to seven years old.

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Pictures of Spontaneous MeSpontaneous Me in a positive way - you are being true to yourself and others; you’re being real. You are doing things that make you feel happy, excited and satisfying but things that won’t hurt you or anyone else.

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Spontaneous Me- Behaviors, tone of voice and words

Behaviors Tone WordsHappiness Cheerful WowSadness Sincere So sorryFear Authentic I feelAnger Loud I’m furiousPlaying High pitched AwesomeDancing Giggling WoohooAll creativity Expressive AmazingSport (+ and -) Cheering Go team!!Singing Heartfelt VerseTrue intimacy Gentle DarlingDrugs/alcohol - Slurring Slang

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Pictures of Modified MeOur negative ‘Modified Me’ allows us to get what we want without caring about other people. We manipulate others and play ‘mind games’ to get what we want. It is damaging to other people, and although we may initially get what we want by using this part of ourselves, it will hurt us in the end. We won’t be liked and others will see us as being ‘unsafe,’ or hard work to be around.”

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Modified Me – Behaviorstone of voice and words

Behaviors Tone WordsManners + Polite Please/thanksConformity + Even Yes SirActing dumb - Harsh Do what now?Using sexuality - Seductive Well hello babe Arguing/stubborn - Belligerent Make meSulking - Huffing/sighing Silent treatmentBeing dramatic - Loud / OTT I’m gonna dieKicking off - Aggressive All cuss words Acting out - Confrontational Gonna kill myselfRolling head/eyes - Sarcastic WhateverManipulative - Whining But why?Histrionic - Wailing You don’t love me

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Drivers – Conditional worthSome children believe that they are only OK if they adhere strictly to their parents’ wishes. Be Perfect Driver Please Others Driver

Try Hard Driver Be Strong Driver

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Injunctions – Psychological Messages assimilated during childhood

Don’t Exist Don’t Be YouDon’t Be a Child Don’t Grow UpDon’t Succeed Don’t Do AnythingDon’t Be Important Don’t BelongDon’t Be Close Don’t Be Well/SaneDon’t Think Don’t FeelDepending upon the family dynamics during early childhood (2-7 yrs)in order to stay safe and get their needs met, children may subconsciously adopt some of these beliefs, which impact on the way they perceive the world and the decisions they make in later life.

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Pictures of Thinking MeThe Thinking Me is like a computer inside your head. It allows you to make decisions based on facts, to be assertive and ask for what you want. It is based on the here and now reality.

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Thinking Me – Behaviors,tone of voice and words

Behaviors Tone WordsTeaching Slightly raised Please listenSitting up straight Even WhatChin up Clear WhenNot too rigid Informative WhyEye contact Expressive WhereNodding Precise HowPurposeful Exact SpecificallyReading Not giggling PreciselyConcentrating Not yawning ExactlyThinking Serious BasicallyListening Honest EssentiallyAbsorbing information Not shouting Actually

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Pictures of Nurturing MeWhen the Nurturing Me is used in a positive way, it enables others to grow, to learn and become independent, but when it’s used in a negative way, it disables others and make them feel useless.

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Nurturing Me – Behaviors,tone of voice and words

Behaviors Tone WordsSafe hug + Caring How you doing?Patting back + Crooning There, thereComforting + Gentle It’s okayPraising + Encouraging Good jobModelling + Patient Try it this wayHigh Five + Playful High FiveNursing + Reassuring You’re going to be okayHelping + Cautious Can I help you?Being kind + Soft Are you okay?Smother mother - Overbearing Let me do that for youTaking over - Dismissive You should do it this wayDisempowering - Impatient Just do it this way

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Pictures of Controlling MeThe positive Controlling Me is concerned with safety and keeping order, but the negative Controlling Me is damaging. It is critical, impatient, mean and spiteful.

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Controlling Me – Behaviors,Tone of voice and Words

Behaviors Tone WordsControlling + Authoritative Stop, now!Open posture + Raised voice Don’t do thatPointing finger + Directive Should/shouldn’tRaising arm + Gain attention Listen upHerding + Urgent Hurry, there’s a fireConsequences + Stern Don’t do it againBalling fists - Threatening If you do that again…Berating others - Critical Name callingGossiping - Spiteful Anything negativeBeing impatient - Irritable Cuss, Get movingBeing angry - Aggressive I’ll take you downBelittling others - Demeaning Stupid idiot

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A Bar Chart of an emotionally healthy individual

CM NM TM MM SM

Amounts of positive energy in each of the Five Parts of the Self of a stable and emotionally healthy person

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T.A. rules of communications

A Transaction is a verbal interaction

When Transactions are “Parallel” the dialogue can go on indefinitely.

When a Transaction is “crossed” communication stops and something different will happen. It can be good or bad.

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Examples of Parallel Transactions A DISCUSSION“What do you think about global warming?”“I’m not sure. I don’t know enough about it.”“The weather certainly seems extreme lately.”“Let’s Google it and find out more about it.”“Good idea. There seem to be a lot of natural disasters lately…”And on and on until they stop.

AN ARGUMENT or GAME PLAYING“It’s your turn to put the trash out today.”“No it’s not. You’re always getting out of it.”“No I’m not. Mom said you had to do it.”“Well, I’m not going to. You can do it.”“That’s not fair.” (Whining)“Who cares!”And on and on until they stop.

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Examples of Parallel TransactionsCONFRONTATION and PERSECUTION“John, be quiet or I’ll take your points!”“It wasn’t me talking.”“Don’t lie, I heard you.”“It wasn’t me.” (whining)“Right, that’s it, you’ve lost your points for lying.”“Well. F**k you!”And on and on until they stop.

CARING and KINDNESS“How was your day today?”“Terrible, the car broke down and I had to walk.”“Oh dear, did you have to walk far.”“Miles, and I ended up with blisters.”“Let me run a nice bubble bath for you.”“Thanks, honey.”And on and on until they stop.

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Examples of Crossed Transactions Each Transaction is an invitation to respond from the part directed to, but

if the person choses to respond from a different part, things change.

CM invites MM to respond“Didn’t I just tell you to clean up your room?”“F**k off and leave me alone.”Responds from an alternative Part of the SelfTM invites TM to respond“I’m just coming. I need the bathroom first though.”(Avoiding confrontation)

TM invites TM to respond“How was your day? Did you get all your points?”“It was fine. I think I only lost a couple of points.”Responds from an alternative Part of the SelfMM invites CM to respond“What’s it to you? You’re only here for a pay check.” (Inviting staff into confrontation)

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Examples of Crossed TransactionsEach Transaction is an invitation to respond from the part directed to, but if the person choses to respond from a different part, things change.

SM invites NM to respond“My shoulders ache. I need a massage, babe.”“Okay, honey, let me get your favorite oil.”Responds from an alternative Part of the SelfTM invites TM to respond“I’m sorry, I can’t right now, I’m cooking dinner.”(In the here and now, explaining why she can’t. She invites him to understand, so avoiding conflict)

CM invites MM to respond (Confrontation)“Didn’t I insist that you had that file ready for me?”“I’ve been trying my best.” (Whining)Responds from an alternative Part of the SelfCM invites MM to respond. This is a Power Play!!!“Didn’t I tell you that we needed more time?”(Eventually they will argue…MM to MM – Parallel T.

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Keeping the Self safeBe your own supervisor

Stay with one foot in your Thinking Me always

When someone crosses your Transaction, physically take a step backwards which will give you a moment to remind yourself to

operate from your Thinking Me.

Encourage the “prisoners” to understand the Five Parts of the Self and when they act out, ask them what part of the Self they are using. You then invite them to shift into their Thinking Me.

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Identifying those at high risk of attempting suicide (my PhD research)

• Risk Factors Times more likely to attempt suicide

• History of family suicide 12.26

• Expresses, “Wish never born” 1.9

• ‘Don’t Exist Injunction’ 6.2

• ‘Don’t Belong Injunction’ 2.9

• ‘Don’t Think Injunction’ 3.2

• Not close to grandparents 1.8

Dr Celia Banting

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Statistically significant issues for those incarcerated

Parents not together 0-6 yrs Has a Don’t Feel InjunctionDon’t know fathers Has a Don’t Succeed InjunctionNot close to mother Has a Be Perfect Injunction Has family history of jail Not close to father Has a stepfather Negative attitudeReligion not important External Locus of ControlImpulsive Lacks trustDoes not see a + future Others are Not OK

So how to help?

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What helped me can help anyoneShare the tools to enable anyone, young and old, to learn how to help themselves, to be the best they can be and let them throw away the mask they have had to hide behind.

Teach the Five Parts of the Self

and watch them

SUCCEED

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Case StudiesFrankie:He is the son of a military man, mother constantly ill. Frankie is very anxious, serious, and seems a lot older than fifteen. He is very depressed and wants to die. In groups he gives lots of feedback to his peers but doesn’t hear their replies.

Identify possible Drivers and Injunctions (to help you understand his perception of his world and his Life Position)

Identify which Parts of the Self he’s using during the day (to identify any Exclusions or Contaminations)

Observe when he crosses Transactions and ask yourself why (what’s he avoiding?)

How to help himInitial task is always to help client access his Thinking Me, to help him learn, question his thinking and behaviors, and to make changes.

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Case StudiesCassie:She is the eldest of seven children and doesn’t know her father. She is failing at school, running away from home, and having unprotected sex with older men. She is rude and disrespectful and frequently gets into fights.

Identify possible Drivers and Injunctions (to help you understand her perception of her world and her Life Position)

Identify which Parts of the Self she’s using during the day (to identify any Exclusions or Contaminations)

Observe when she crosses Transactions and ask yourself why (what’s she avoiding?)

How to help her? (The Golden Purse at www.wighitapress.com sample Two)Initial task is always to help clients access their Thinking Me to help them learn, question their thinking and behaviors, and to make changes.

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Case StudiesWill:Will’s father and older brother are in prison and he is involved in gang activities. He was excluded from mainstream school and is in Alternative Learning, but constantly fights with peers from opposing gangs. He sells and uses drugs, and hates authority.

Identify possible Drivers and Injunctions (to help you understand his perception of his world and his Life Position)

Identify which Parts of the Self he’s using during the day (to identify any Exclusions or Contaminations)

Observe when he crosses Transactions and ask yourself why (what’s he avoiding?)

How to help himInitial task is always to help client access his Thinking Me to help him learn, question his thinking and behaviors, and to make changes.