Understanding CS in Counseling

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Understanding Individual Communication Styles in Counseling p. 1

Published in The Family Journal, vol. 19, no. 1, January 2011

Understanding Individual Communication Styles in Counseling

Robert V. Keteyian

Robert V. Keteyian, M.Ed., LCPC

Elias & Keteyian, Inc.Counselors to Families and Businesses122 Main St., Ellsworth, ME 04605

207-667-7735

www.communicationstyles.us


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Abstract

Focusing on individual communication styles can guide interventions, provide

natural validation, and enhance creativity in the counseling relationship. The

author has developed a framework for defining individual communication style

components, drawing on learning style theory and the Theory of Multiple

Intelligences. By using the natural language of the client, problem solving is

better connected to client strengths.


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Understanding Individual Communication Styles in Counseling

Communication Skills In Counseling

To build successful working relationships with our clients, we need good

communication. You could say that communication is the life blood of counseling. Other

factors are important in developing the relationship, of course, but communication is the

vehicle, and directly and indirectly, we often teach communication skills: We model

positive communication practices and, at times, coach clients about how to handle

sensitive discussions with important people in their lives.

Numerous good books and articles on the subject of developing good

communication skills are available, and most of us have read many of them and

recommend them to those we see. We also stress the importance of I statements,

reflective listening, not interruptingall rules that may be common sense but are not

always easy to practice.

Why Communication Styles Matter?

Missing from the discussion about interpersonal communication, though, is a

more thorough understanding of individual styles in the communication process. Mars

and Venus (Gray, 1992), among others have taught us about male/female differences in

processing information and communication, and there are many paradigms to help us

better understand the various roles we play as communicators in different types of

relationships. But beneath the surface are inherent individual differences that drive

communicationboth how we listen and how we express ourselves. Mahaffey


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(Mahaffey, 2010) notes numerous categories where individual differences can cause

miscommunication and drive conflict.

The question I asked during the mid 1980s was this: How are learning styles

reflected in interpersonal communication? As a former teacher I was familiar with the

visual-auditory-kinesthetic learning styles paradigm and Howard Gardners theory of

multiple intelligences (Gardner, 1983). Using aspects of both of these, Ive developed a

framework for examining individual communication styles that includes seven

communication components present and active in any verbal exchange. How these

configure forms the foundation of an individuals communication style.

Let me be clear that I have not defined seven communication styles. There are as

many communication styles as there are individuals. Each of us has our own

communication style comprised of these seven, uniquely synchronized components. Just

as with learning styles, it is important not to label yourselfyou are not, for example, an

auditory learner. Rather you are one who has a strong auditory component to your

learning style. There are many ingredients active with the auditory strength.

The seven communication components are:

Linguistic (words)

Logical (reasoning)

Visual-Spatial (images/pictures)

Auditory (sound)

Kinesthetic (experiencing/feeling)


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Interpersonal (people oriented)

Intrapersonal (self-knowledge)

When you converse you exchange words with others (linguistic). You also

visualize images and symbols (visual-spatial) and are aware of the sound, cadence,

timbre, and rhythm of the other voices (auditory). You take in the posture, gestures, and

facial expressions of the participants (kinesthetic) and the reasoned, common sense flow

of coherent information necessary for things to make sense (logical). Within a

conversation, too, you count on rapport, connectedness, and empathy for emotional

connection (interpersonal) as well as your own ability to go inward and make sense of

what you perceive based on your own previous experiences (intrapersonal).

The Interpersonal and Intrapersonal Components

It is best to get oriented to this model by first discussing the interpersonal and

intrapersonal components. Do you tend to think out loud (interpersonal) or is your

tendency to think things through internally (intrapersonal) before discussing them? This

gets to the heart of the difference between these two components. Of course, we think

both internally and externally, but usually we have a tendency. Heres an example to help

illustrate the point:

Sarah: Did you see the notice about a meeting at the school on Thursday night? The

school is asking for ideas about funding the spring concert. We missed the concert last


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year when we were at your mothers. The kids understood, but I felt terrible. They can

stay alone for the two hours wed be at the meeting, although Im not really sure the

meeting is necessary. What do you think, Willy? How do you feel about it?

Willy: How do I feel about whatmissing the concert last year? Calling a meeting?

Leaving the kids alone for two hours? I read the notice but I havent thought about any of

this, Sarah.

Sarah: Why cant you just tell me what you think about it? What do you want to do?

Willy: Do about what?

They reach an impasse and whether or not they decide to go to the meeting, they

are both slightly annoyed. Willy thinks internally. Sarah thinks out loud. At times, like

this, their styles clash and neither feels understood or respected. Sarah weaves together

thoughts, feelings, memories, and questions. She wants to interact to sort them out. The

engagement helps her connect emotionally so she understands her thoughts and feelings

and issues. Willy, on the other hand, usually needs to mull ideas over, sift them through

his internal experience to understand them. Then he makes a decision or identifies how

he feels. He feels more emotionally connected when he can offer clear communication.

Both want the connection, but to get there Willy needs space, Sarah needs engagement.

This difference is common in couples and is easily misunderstood and often seen

as a typical male/female difference, but my wife and I are opposites on this, and Ive seen


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many other couples who dont fit the stereotype either. In our example above, Sarah

thinks Willy is controlling, obstinate, and unwilling to talk with her. Willy thinks Sarah is

wacky, undisciplined, and confused. But remember Sarah needs engagement and Willy

needs space. When we dont account adequately for style we make assumptions about

one another. This is when style differences drive conflict. Addressing the style

differences allows for the real issues to sift out.

As counselors we too can make assumptions about our clients mental health

without accounting for their communication style. If intrapersonally driven clients are

quiet and reserved in sessions and need time and space to mull things over, do we allow

for that? Or do we believe they should be able to speak more spontaneously with us about

their thoughts and feelings? Do we believe it is a trust issue or problem with authority?

Conversely, if a client has good linguistic facility and can think out loud about a range of

emotions, do we believe they are in touch with their feelings, or at a higher level of

emotional maturity than someone who is more quiet and internal?

The Linguistic Component

People who think in words have a strong linguistic component to their

communication style. Using words carefully, defining concepts specifically, and thinking

about language are hallmarks of the linguistically driven. They recognize that words are

powerful and important, but those with this strength must also be aware of the shadow

side. Any strength has the potential of creating problems. If you become so fixed on the

meaning of words and dont allow for non-verbal components, the linguistic risks


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becoming oppressive. Thats not what that word means. Why would say that? can

derail communication by expecting others to be as word sensitive as you are. And it shifts

the focus away from the issue/topic.

The Logical Component

Individuals who rely on reasoning as their primary guide in thinking and

communicating have a strong logical component to their communication style. They like

forming hypotheses, enumerating possibilities, and understanding the sequence of

experience. To them, concepts need to make sense based on what we know to be true.

The extreme of this is a Spock-like tendency that doesnt accept another persons truths

and logic and the recognition that our emotions dont follow a typical logical (linear)

course.

The Visual-Spatial Component

We all haveand usemental images and pictures. Those with a strong visual-

spatial component think primarily this way. They dont think in words and sentences,

they see shapes and scenes. Often it is difficult for them to put word captions on the

pictures to adequately explain and share what they see and experience. The fluid nature to

relationships in the visual-spatial realm can defy descriptions, which also makes

communicating concepts difficult. Sometimes visually oriented individuals seem

spacey, despite their depth of understanding.


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The Kinesthetic Component

The kinesthetic component is the most difficult to describe because it is grounded

in experienceexperiencing something to know it. The kinesthetic component involves

physical gestures and postures that communicate non-verbally. The physical/emotional

experience of being in communication with someone is part of the kinesthetic realm. It

can be like a bubble where you can absorb the experience and emotion is palpable. The

danger, of course, is becoming too absorbent of the others emotions, where boundaries

are confusing and complicated. Mental health professionals who have a high degree of

empathy are at risk of this type of boundary confusion

The Auditory Component

The auditory component relies on how a conversation sounds, the sensory

experience of pitch, timbre, and rhythm (which is also kinesthetic). This component is

finely attuned to tone of voice and what gets communicated between the spaces of

soundthe vibrationsa sensitivity that can be very rich but also in the extreme risks

overuse. For example, an auditory sensitive person needs to be mindful of perceiving too

much (placing too much emphasis on) from a monotone voice or the emphasis someone

else places on some words. Interpretations can easily be incorrect.

Communication Guide and Summary


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The communication guide below is a summary of each component, the key

elements involved and the potential problems that often occur with a strength being out of

balance.

COMPONENT ELEMENTS POTENTIALPROBLEMS

Linguistic words, stories, letters defining terms developing concepts

through words

invalidating non-verbal reality too fixed on defining words &

concepts (losing essence of

meaning)

not giving others enough spaceLogical logical progression of ideas

validating importance ofsequence

clear definition of problemsand goals

discounting emotional process(focusing too much on content)

derailed by feedback in themiddle of sequential process

not enough interaction(too much monologue)

Visual-Spatial describe or present a picture,image, or metaphor

enough time to describe (unfold)the image or picture

inter-relatedness of parts to whole

uncomfortable translating picturesor images into words

diffuse or impressionistic(appears spacey)

difficulty defining boundariesKinesthetic experiential involvement

understanding the feelings involved engaging in activity while talking

hard to relate without experiencing feelings can obscure content can become overwhelmed by

absorbing anothers energy

Auditory how it sounds influences receptivity importance of rhythm, tone, and

volume

use music to convey idea or feeling

infer wrong intent from tone of voice not taking content at face value

Interpersonal in-depth conversation sounding board to think out loud continuity: achieving understanding

over time

high frustration without enoughfeedback

verbalizing more than what is intended expecting too much involvementfrom others

Intrapersonal time and space for self clarity of intentions, needs, and

feelings

choices; not directives

hard to give immediate feedback absorbed in own process overwhelmed by possibilities wont offer or accept anything

because of belief it wont help


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Configuring Components

For the sake of discussion Ive separated each component to better understand

how they manifest. However, as noted above in the auditory section, the components do

not fall neatly into one category. We are whole human beings and our experience with the

components combines and configures differently. Remember all seven components are a

part of our communication experience. That said, most people zero in on three (or four)

that resonate soundly. As you begin to see your strengths, you also notice your relative

weaknesses. Certainly it is possible to develop areas you rely on less, but it takes

conscious effort and intention. The obvious areas of strength that you discover drive your

communication experience. As you develop more awareness in observing those strengths,

you will naturally develop more patience in listening to others, asking more thoughtful

questions and communicating a greater desire to achieve understanding.

The Communication Components Inventory at the end of this article (appendix)

helps flesh out the nuances of each component and gives numerous touchstones for easier

identification. Be careful not to use the inventory as a definitive tool. It is meant to

stimulate awareness, give cues and clues to aid the discovery process. This is a fluid

model and is not meant to stereotype or pigeonhole our human experience. The goal is to

help people see their ordinary behavior in the light of how it affects their communication

experience.


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How Does This Effect Counseling?

Whenever we achieve greater understanding of ourselves, our clients benefit

because we have a way of carrying that understanding and clarity through our presence

it informs our work. When we fully understand the individual components that make up

our communication style (how a pie chart depiction would look, for example) we more

easily recognize how it will be different for each client we see and are more likely to

make fewer assumptions about others. This validates clients because it tunes into their

natural language and it allows us to use interventions that are more individually focused.

Basing our interventions on the inherent strengths of our clients is common sense.

However, we also employ our clinical knowledge, our experience, creativity, and

intuition. With the communication styles lens as another tool we expand options and open

new avenues of creativity.

Although it is beyond the scope of this article to discuss specific interventions, let

me offer basic ideas for incorporating this perspective and bringing focus to each

component in the counseling setting:

Intrapersonal

Lets think about this some more and make sure we continue talking about it. Lets see if we can understand better what your intentions are. I know getting to the bottom of this is important, but it does take time to clarify

everything thoroughly.

(Balance) Who else might be helpful to share this with?


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Interpersonal

How does this affect your relational world? Tell me what it is like for you being in this situation. If we put other peoples feelings aside, how would this change the situation for

you?

(Balance) Do you know, yet, what is most important to you?

Linguistic

What does (fill in the blank) mean to you? Is there a key phrase that would help summarize this for you? Is there another way of stating this point? (Balance) When you picture the situation, does anything stand else stand out?

Logical

Is there a hierarchy of needs (or issues) in you mind? What makes sense and doesnt make sense to you yet? On a scale of 110, how do you . . .? (Balance) What is it like for you being in this situation?

Visual-Spatial

What does the situation look like to you? Is there an image that best encapsulates this for you?


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What do all the parts look like? How are they arranged? (Balance) Can you tell a brief story that illuminates whats happening?

Kinesthetic

Lets see if we can role play this together. Lets do some relaxation and breathing to get centered in the body. Where are you feeling this struggle in your body? (Balance) Is there an image or caption that expresses what its like for you being

in this situation?

Auditory

Are you hearing something that is dissonant to you? Is there something that is important for you to hear? It sounds as if you are saying _____? Do I understand correctly? (Balance) What can you do or ask that would help you feel more comfortable?

Summary

There is nothing new in the questions, issues or suggestions highlighted in each

component area above. What is new is the opportunity to tailor our interventions to the

natural language of the client based on their personal, inherent strengths. The focus on

individual communication styles gives us another tool to work with in counseling. It also

creates opportunities to be naturally validating and creative. The quality of the working


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relationship we develop with our clients is directly related to the success of the

counseling experience. When we are tuned into the natural language of the client we

enhance this opportunity.


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References

Gardner, H. (1983).Frames of Mind: The Theory of Multiple Intelligences.New York, NY: Basic Books.

Gray, J. (1992).Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. New York,NY: Harper Collins

Mahaffey, B. (2010). Couples counseling directive technique: a(mis)communication model to promote insight, catharsis, disclosure, and

problem resolution. The Family Journal: Counseling and Therapy for

Couples and Families, 18, 45-49/


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Appendix

Communication Component Inventory

The best way to approach this inventory is to take a first pass through the items in each

sectionjust go through them easily, casually, but seriously asking yourself, Is this me? or Is

this mostly true about me? Skip any item youre uncertain about.

How you make notes doesnt matter. Writingyes orno, checking those that apply to you

and leaving blank those that dont, and using colored markers with your own system of noting

preferences or likenesses (i.e., red for the strongest preferences, blue for secondary strength,

green for least in each section) are three possibilities. Other approaches include numbering the

items under each component 15, strongest to least, and using personal symbols (i.e., stars and

facial expressions). This is your inventory, so use a system that is most clear to you.

Keep in mind that the purpose of the inventory is to help you develop a relationship to

each of the seven components and become increasingly familiar with your strengths and relative

weaknesses. This is not a labeling exercise. In other words, you are not an auditory person or a

spatial person. You may, however, have a strong auditory component to your communication

style that combines nicely with your interpersonal and linguistic components. These three

elements may be the bedrock of your style that the other components rest onand yes, they are

all active simultaneously in every communication experience.

Communication Component Inventory

Interpersonal

_____ Its important for me to get my thoughts and feelings out in the open.

_____I need to think out loud and discuss the same issue with several people.

_____ I enjoy re-visiting conversations with the same person._____I prefer working with others on projects and goals.

_____ Others seek me out for counsel or advice.

_____ When I have a problem, talking things out is necessary and effective._____ I am good at drawing ideas together when working with others.


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_____ I need a lot of feedback from others.

_____ I am intrigued by emotional dynamics in interpersonal relationships.

Intrapersonal

_____ I prefer to think things through before engaging in meaningfuldiscussion.

_____ I need a lot of time to reflect and/or meditate.

_____ Learning about myself is central to my understanding of others._____ I have a clear understanding of my strengths and weaknesses.

_____Explaining my inner process often seems irrelevant.

_____ To achieve clarity, I first need to be aware of my feelings, intentions, motivations,

and goals._____ I plan thoughtfully and set goals for myself.

_____ My inner world naturally connects me to a universal perspective.

_____ I have a good sense of self-direction and think independently.

Linguistic

_____ I like to use words.

_____ I pay careful attention to the meaning of words.

_____ I often refer to something Ive read when talking to others._____ Writing letters, stories, essays, etc., is an effective form of communication for me.

_____ I enjoy puns, plays on words, or other word games.

_____ I generally prefer reading a well written story to seeing it dramatized._____ I hear words in my head before speaking or writing them.

_____ I enjoy analyzing the use of language.

_____ I like explaining, teaching, or persuading others.

Logical

_____ I reason things through step-by-step when thinking and talking.

_____ I am intrigued by analyzing and problem solving.

_____ I prefer to follow a train of thought through to its logical conclusion withoutinterruption.

_____ I like to find rational explanations for almost everything.

_____ I can think structurally in a way that cannot easily be translated into words._____ I can understand something if I can accurately quantify it.

_____My understanding is often obscured by other peoples feelings.

_____ I tend to look for patterns, relationships, and connections in understanding._____ I like to set up what if . . . experiments and play devils advocate.


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Visual-Spatial

_____ I easily perceive clear visual images when talking or listening._____ Meaning is never fixedit moves and evolves over time.

_____ I remember things pictorially or symbolically.

_____ Color communicates a lot to me._____ I can see things from different angles when I hear a description.

_____ I can easily conceptualize the relationship between objects.

_____Expressing in words the complexity of the visual images and relationships Iperceive is difficult.

_____ I may seem spacey to others when Im trying to explain something.

_____ I often use metaphor to explain something to others.

Kinesthetic

_____ Knowing registers as sensation in my body._____ Demonstrations really help me understand and express myself.

_____ I often fiddle with something or gesture while talking and listening._____ My sensory experience is very strong.

_____ I connect to others by demonstrating my feelings.

_____ Words alone are risky for me in communication.

_____ I need to physically experience things to understand them._____ I sense others feelings and easily absorb their energy.

_____ Physical movement helps me process information.

Auditory

_____ I really notice tone of voice when someone is speaking.

_____ When Im alone, I often hum, sing, or whistle.

_____ I can tell how someone feels by the sound of their voice.

_____ Music helps me think things through._____ I am acutely aware of everyday sounds, like the clink of a glass or the whoosh of a

closing door.

_____Familiar sounds, songs, jingles, etc. often stimulate my memory._____Speaking out loud to myself helps bring greater clarity.

_____ I quietly repeat words and numbers to help me remember.

_____ I have a strong internal sense of rhythm.

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