Understanding CommonPatterns of Avoiding Grief

by Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt

Grief has been described as the emotions that heal themselves. While this may have been

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The unfortunate reality is that many grievers do not give themselves permission, or receive

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to the loss.

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The purpose of this article is to:

1. :dveoTi!Yh:°pT#°oT8r?¥f?ms that bereaved people tend to adopt in their efforts to

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in moving away from ourselves and other people.

The avoidance patterns identified and described below are as follows:

The PostponerThe Displacer

#:RFn#FzeerrThe Somaticizer

1. The Postponer

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The displacer is the person who takes the expression of their grief away from the loss itself

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occurs with total unconsciousness.

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3. The Peplacer

The replacer is the person who takes the emotions that were invested in the relationship

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Observers from the outside will sometimes assume the replacer must not have loved theperson that died all that much if they can so quickly become involved in a new relationship.

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The replacement patterns does not only occur in relationships with other people. For

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4. The Minimizer

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5. The Somaticizer

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Unfortunately many people in grief unconsciously adopt the somaticizer role in an effort to

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The somaticizer may become so completely preoccupied with bodily involvement andsickness that they have little or no energy to relate to others and to do the work of theirmourning. Even in the absence of real illness and emotional support from medical

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Consequences of Adopting Grief Avoidance Patterns

The specific reasons bereaved people adopt grief avoidance patterns are often multipleand complicated. For the purpose of this article we will simply note that the major

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fhT?on,Po#nmg?Ofthemorecommonconsequencesofadoptinggriefavoidancepatternsare

• Deterioration in relationships with friend and family.

:?;:8[3=Sg[:Err:nnii:%ypsri:::ii#::fe:i#5rdeia,icour,::3,ginnedd,.owse,f-esteem.• Symptoms of chronic anxiety, agitation, restlessness, and difficulty concentrating.

This list is not intended to be all-inclusive. Different people will experience a wide variety offallout consequences from their adoption of avoidance patterns.

Encouraging the Healthy Expression of Grief

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The lack of expression of outward mourning had brought about the evolution of `the silent

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tears, fears and hurts to themselves. We must work to reverse this trend that fails toacknowledge the continuing need for support and understanding of the bereaved.