ADOPTION OUTREACH AND EDUCATION 1-800-98-ADOPT WINTER 2014

FAQS ABOUT POST ADOPTION

FWe have lost touch with our child’s birth family. Are you able to help us find them?

This is not an uncommon occurrence. FIA will do its best to lo-cate the family and pass along the message that you would like to connect with them. The agency will let the adoptive family know if the family is found and if not, the agency will offer the adoptive family possible ways to work with the unknown.

FBy our child’s first family’s choice, we have a closed adoption. Our child is now asking questions about the first family. We found our child’s birth moth-er and birth father on Facebook and wonder if it would be ok to contact them or download pictures of them to share with our child. What do you think?

FIA does not recommend that you make contact directly with-out involving the agency. FIA has a careful and deliberate pro-cess for getting in touch with a birth parent in a closed adop-tion — in a way that is respectful. It is important to remember that by their choice the adoption was closed. Once found, the agency will ask the first parent their feelings about being con-tacted and relay their answer to the adoptive family. In the event the agency does not receive a response or the response is that the first family wishes to remain in a closed adoption, then the agency recommends that the adoptive family respect the wishes of the first family. The agency encourages the adop-tive family to download a picture and factual information on the birth mother and birth father for safe keeping — in privacy — in the event the information is needed for appropriate reasons in future years.

Two FIA familes are now “friends in adoption”

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ConnectionSFIf I decide to place my baby with an adoptive

family, will I be able to visit?

Yes, you would as long as you and the adoptive family that you have chosen agree to the visits. Your FIA case manager will talk with you about the kind of connection you would like to maintain with the adoptive family after placement. In some states this would be a legally binding agreement, in other states it would be an agreement of trust.

FIf I do decide on periodic visits with the adoptive family, what would the children I am parenting call the child that I placed?

Language is important and FIA encourages you to talk to children in an age-appropriate way so that they understand. Many start with just first names, and as children get older they may choose to use “birth brother or sister” or just “brother or sister.” There is no one right answer, but as long as language is consistent and agreeable to both families, the important thing is that children are told the truth about their connec-tions (genetic and adoptive) to one another.

FWill my child hate me for having “given him/her away”?

This is a common fear, but the truth is that this is rarely the case. Adoptive families most often have spoken to their chil-dren about their first families and often have maintained a connection with their child’s first family over the years so there is deep respect and love for them. This connection will help the child have respect and genuine love for their first family as they grow and develop. ♥

...from birth/first parents: ...from adoptive families:

Commonly asked questions...

Friends in Adoption (FIA), a not-for-profit adoption agency, is a network of dedicated, experi-enced, compassionate and friendly adoption professionals. Our focus is compassionate adop-tion. Although our administrative office is located in Vermont, we are able to provide free and confidential adoption services for pregnant women/couples anywhere in the United States. We recognize that adoption is a life-long process based on trust, honesty and mutual responsibility, and we promote open adoption and provide lifelong support to each member in the adoption circle — placing each child at the center of what we do. WE ARE FRIENDS IN ADOPTION.

Meet Our Professional Team

Ruth LaughmanOutreach and Support ServicesNorthern New York

Johna HarveyOutreach and Support ServicesNYC

Samantha Walker, LMSWIndependent Counselingand Support Services | NYC

Lauren Kraver, LMSWOutreach and Support Services | Downstate New York and Connecticut

Sandra SchlosserOutreach and Support Services | Vermont and New Hampshire

Corky Bohen, LICSWIndependent Counseling Vermont and New Hampshire

Laurie Coreno Reynolds, LMHCIndependent Counseling New York and Vermont

Heather Martin, MSW, LICSW, LMSWIndependent Counseling & Outreach | Rhode Island

Yessenia MizhquiriProfile Production LiaisonNew York

Jean-Charles DeOliveira ScappaticciGraphic Design and Marketing

Diana FletcherAdoption Coordinator

Beth MillerAdoption Coordinator

Lynn SakadolskyCase ManagerNew York Capital Region & New England

Tracy MullenCase ManagerNew York Capital Region & New England

Nan PasquarelloSenior Case ManagerCentral New York & Pennsylvania

Tina BonneyCase ManagerNew York Capital Region and New England

Dawn Smith-PlinerFounder and Director

Patty SmithCase Management and Outreach Supervisor

Tara SaltisDirector of Finance and Agency Operations

Kate Kaufman Burns, MSW, LCSWSocial Work Supervisor

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FWe did not know our daugh-ter’s birth father when we ad-

opted her. Subsequently, through an email her birth mother told us she knew his name but asked that we not tell our child if she asks about him. Help!

The truth, at an age appropriate time, is always the best way to se-cure a positive and healthy relation-ship with each other and with your daughter. Either directly or with the assistance of the agency or another qualified professional, your daugh-ter’s birth mother should be clearly told that you would be unwilling to withhold the truth from your daugh-ter. If your daughter’s birth mother struggles with this, FIA provides life-long resources to all and the agency would suggest that you offer the agency’s services to your daughter’s birth mother. ♥

POST ADOPTION FAQS

Commonly asked questionsfrom adoptive families:

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Baby Olivia

Patty is FIA’s Case Management and Outreach Supervisor. She also manages cases with expectant women/couples and adoptive parents, provides in-service training workshops and community outreach and education. Patty coordinates the Connections newsletter you are reading (except for this page!). Patty is universally adored, and she has been an integral member of the FIA team since 2007.

Patty Smith, Case Management and Outreach SupervisorFriends in Adoption1-800-98-ADOPT1-800-982-3678patty@friendsinadoption.org

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“Patty has the kind of steady hand that is so important to a successful adoption. Having traveled the adoption journey herself, we think Patty brings the perfect blend of professionalism and personal touch to her work.  We admire her and love her.” —Nina Rumbold and Denise Seidelman, Adoption Attorneys

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TEAM MEMBER

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“When we embarked on the adoption process for the first time, Patty pro-vided incredible support at every step. Her genuine warmth, humor, and kindness throughout really smoothed the process.  She also created a great platform for us and our son’s birth mother to build a strong and enduring relationship with one another.  When we adopted our second son Jake two years later, it was a huge relief to have Patty working with us again.  She’ll forever feel like family to us and we’ll always be grateful for all of her hard work.” —Chris, Keith, Ryan & Jake

“There couldn’t possibly have been a better fit for us than Patty as our case manager! It was easy to forget that she actually worked with anyone else besides us! We’ve always told our daughter, Cecelia, that Patty was her first friend. She has come to know and love Patty as we do. Cecelia said, “I like Patty because she likes me...I look forward to seeing her.” Although we see her only twice each year, she is with us daily, in our hearts. We are so grateful for the care and consideration she so readily gave us.” —Gary and Carrie

“Deciding to place my baby for adoption was nerve racking and difficult. Obviously I came to the conclusion on my own that I was making the right decision, but I don’t know how I would have made it through without Patty Smith.  She was there for me right from the beginning, and literally all the way through delivery!!  I don’t know if I’ve ever known someone who was as perfectly suited for her job as Patty is for hers.  She is one of the kindest and most compas-sionate women I have ever met, and I am so happy to have her in my life.” —Kim

he adoption journey can definitely be an emotional one. It is full of ups and downs along the way; fear, anxiety, excite-ment, hope, just to name a few. One of the aspects of an

open adoption that helped us to deal with all those emotions was the relationship we began to build and continue to build with Brandy, our daughter’s birth mom. We were emotional supports throughout the process leading up to Ariel’s birth. After her birth we continue to be there for each other in ways that we never expected. No one can predict what kinds of feelings and emotions each individual will experience when going through this amazing process of adoption. The one thing we are sure about now is knowing that our daughter is surrounded by so much love and support and we are happy to have Brandy be a part of that. Ariel will always know how her story first started. Brandy picked us as Ariel’s parents and we are so blessed and so happy to continue in this journey knowing that Brandy will always be a part of it. Whether it’s reaching out to Brandy to share a new picture of Ariel, a note about how she’s doing, or simply just to have a listening ear from time to time, the support and love we continue to have from Brandy even after the birth has made us feel truly blessed. Not just for our sake but for our daughter’s as well. “ —Ivan and Eric, adoptive parents

“T

ife post adoption had been an emo-tional roller coaster full of peaks and valleys. Eric and Ivan are two of the

most amazing men that I’ve ever had the privi-lege of meeting. Life post adoption isn’t sun-shine and roses. It’s hard. It’s lonely, and can be very isolating, because it is such a deeply personal event. Ariel Kaye is a beautiful little girl, and I am very fortunate to be a part of her

life. The family that I have now is more than I could ever have

hoped for. They are allow-ing me to see her grow up, and to be a part of her life in a way that I didn’t think was possible. We talk, text, FaceTime, and I get to know how she is doing. There is solace for me with those ac-tions. There is no way

to encapsulate how life had been post adoption,

because it is a continuous work in progress. I just know

that our situation works for us.” —Brandy, birth mom

“L

Dear Katie,

It was so wonderful to see you at the picnic on Saturday. We are so happy that we got to spend so much time with you. Thank you so much for the lovely book for Evan! He loves it, and when we read it to him we always remind him that it’s from you. Thank you so much! I hope the rest of your trip was good and that your re-turn home was smooth and pain-less. Take care of yourself!

Love, JoAnna, Chris, and Evan, adoptive family

decided on open adoption when I found out I was pregnant. At first, it seemed strange and overwhelming. I couldn’t believe the instant connection I felt when I saw Chris and JoAnna’s profile. We had so many things in common, from our love of Star Wars

and music, to our Polish heritage, and even our looks. When visiting Evan in the hospital, the nurses asked if I was JoAnna’s sister — to which she laughed, and replied “sort of”. The connection that we all share now has no name, or label in our society, but it doesn’t need one. We are family and I am thrilled that Evan is with the perfect parents.” —Katie, birth mom

“I

TestimonialsPOST ADOPTION

Ariel

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e just got home last night from a great week-end visiting where Aani was born. We stayed at the same hotel because the people were

so great to us and made us feel so at home for those days. Friday was pretty relaxing but the real point was to see Wing Yin, her mother and brother which we did Satur-day. The original plan was to meet for lunch and then all go to the ocean for a walk. When we met up at the hotel though we all decided to just see where the day took us, not set any time limits. We ended up spending the whole day together and even ended up going back to the hotel and having dinner out on the patio while Aani slept in her stroller a few feet away. We are all talking about the next visit we make and Wing Yin’s mother and brother are talking about making home cooked meals so we don’t have to order out. Obviously it is still early but it really looks like we are all on our way to creat-ing our new branch of the family through adoption. We are

sharing pictures with Wing Yin via Dropbox now so that she won’t have to wait for every 6 months and can visit it when-ever she chooses.” — Brent and Erin, adoptive parents

e had a great visit with Alicia and Shawn a couple of weekends ago. It was so great to see them again; the seven of us always have great

times together. We were so proud to show them how Jacob has grown from a little baby to a little man. Jacob happily led Alicia and Shawn by the hands through the animal displays and to the rides. It was so nice to see them enjoying their time with Jacob. When the day was done, we discussed ar-rangements for our next meeting together in the spring. We’re thinking about meeting at the children’s museum in NYC. We have such a special place in our hearts for Ali-cia and Shawn. They’ve blessed us, our children and our extended families with wonderful little Jacob. He’s a hand-some, happy, loving little boy whom everyone adores, and we’re all so fortunate to have him in our lives. To be honest, when we started our adoption journey we weren’t quite so sure how the open adoption process would play out. But we could have never predicted the invaluable pres-ence of Alicia and Shawn in all our lives.”

—Dean and Laura, adoptive parents

“W

hawn and I made an adoption plan about 3 years ago. We had a visit with Laura, Dean, our son and their other children this past summer. At first it

was highly emotional and we were unsure of how we would handle the day. That changed almost instantly!! As soon as we saw everyone and how happy Jacob was, the nerves and concerns went right out the window!!! We held Jacob, played with him and talked with him. We saw how very much Jacob is loved, how happy & healthy he is, and for us that means so much. We are forever grateful to Laura & Dean. We love them very much. We are pleased and honored to have them as part of our family.” —Alicia, birth mom

“S

“W

Wing Yin, Erin and Aani

Shawn, birth father, with Dean, adoptive parent, and Jacob

Laura, adoptive parent, with Alicia, birth mom, and Jacob

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Who We Are: FRIENDS IN ADOPTION (FIA) is a non-profit, pro-choice, licensed agency with a focus on helping people make informed decisions concerning adoption. FIA is committed to open adoption, inclusiveness, and providing lifelong support to all members of the adoption circle. FIA employs a network of dedicated, experienced and caring adoption professionals. Although our administrative offices are located in Vermont and New York, we are able to provide free and confidential adoption services for pregnant women/couples anywhere in the United States.

Mission Statement: Our mission is to keep the central focus on the needs of each child and to provide compassionate adoption services for the unique individuals involved in the adoption process.

What We Do:

• FIA provides free services to pregnant women/couples considering adoption.

• FIA works with women and men who are considering placing their already born child with adoptive families.

• FIA assists prospective adoptive families with home study, approval process, and all aspects of pre-adoptive preparation.

• FIA presents adoption-related workshops for professionals who may be in contact with expectant and/or adoptive parents.

• FIA is committed to pressure-free, ethical standards of practice.

About Friends in Adoption

Patty SmithCase Management and Outreach SupervisorC E N T R A L O F F I C E :P.O. Box 238Poultney, VT 057641-800-982-3678info@friendsinadoption.org

www.friendsinadoption.org

Our Compassion, Your Decision

PROVIDING ADOPTION SERVICES THROUGHOUT THE UNITED STATES

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Some names and locations may have been changed in the interest of privacy.

Dave, Kathy and Lucy

Hi All,

I hope all is well. Dave, Lucy and I are doing well. She is getting big and talking up a storm. Our relationship with Alicia is going well also, we couldn’t be happier. I am attaching a picture of us for you to see.

Best, Kathy (adoptive mom)

Hi Lynn,

Thank you again for ALL that you did for us through this (and continue to do). From the first phone call, you were communicative, available, and most importantly made us feel supported and engaged the entire process. We cannot wait to speak at a future FIA GAW or SAM someday to tell this amazing story. We cannot thank you enough, and please tell Molly ‘hi’ for us when you see her this week and thank her again for this beautiful gift! —Todd and Reid (adoptive parents)

Dear Patty,

I couldn’t have asked for a more supportive or compassionate organization than FIA, however it appears that Emily has chosen to raise her baby and is firm in her decision. I am sure we will have struggles ahead of us, being a single parent myself, but I am also confident that together we will be fine.

I want to thank you, Diana, and Laurie for your support over these last few months. I would certainly highly recommend your services for those in need in the future. Thank you Patty. Our well wishes to you and the FIA team as well.Wishing you all of the best always,

—Emily and Samantha (pregnant woman and her mom)

Mail

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AlbumFamily Annual Santa Party 2013

Sean, Spencer, Luke, Ben and MaryCecelia and Mya

Casey, Aiden and Nicole

Brian, Kendall, and CeceliaTracy, Jim and Hunter

Rebecca and Parker

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Waiting Families FUN FACTSTo view our complete, up-to-date list of awesome families, please visit www.friendsinadoption.org/families

Public relations Woodworking, traveling

London Cake, especially carrot cake

80’s New Wave/Punk

Global media relations director

Cooking, meteorology

The coast of Maine Pasta Adele

Budding artist/dancer/swimmer

Collecting stickers Gabba Gabba Land Zucchini (seriously) She’s loving Lorde at the moment

Steve

Carson

Sloane

Music teacher, author, clinician

Reading, cooking, exercise, French

Italy Pasta Jazz

Music teacher, author, clinician

Gardening, performing music, speaking French

Home (& several places in Europe)

Anything with cheese!

Very eclectic but love jazz!

Brian

Don

Office manager at doctor’s office

Spending time with family and friends, camping

Maine Pizza Country

CSX track dept. Tae Kwon Do, ice hockey

Home Lasagna

Country

2nd grader! Baseball, hockey, basketball

Dave & Buster’s Oreo McFlurry

Popular and country

Social worker/clinic manager

Camping Cape Cod Pineapple chicken, brussel sprouts

Rock and roll

Registered nurse

Writing, cooking

Home Fried chicken Classic rock

Warehouse manager

Collecting old toys/comic books, watching football

Lake Placid, NY Pizza with jalapenos

80’s rock

Diversity and change consultant

Snowboarding, tennis, biking and the beach

The beach and Spain

Pizza and Latin Anything under the sun

Nurse anesthetist Snowboarding, tennis, biking and the beach

The mountains and Spain

Chinese and Thai 80’s and singer songwriters

Tara

Rick

Brandon

Meredith

Christine

Tim

Nicki

Wendi

OCCUPATION HOBBIES FAVORITE PLACES FAVORITE FOODS FAVORITE MUSIC