Two Books on Nice Guy Syndrome

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The Seattle Times: Mr. Nice Guy http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/cgi-bin/PrintStory.pl?document

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STEVE RINGMAN / THE SEATTLE TIMES

James Rapson (left) and CraigEnglish co-authored "Anxious to

Please," about people who wrestlewith being overly nice. Englishspeaks from past experience, as theguy who "wanted to be liked byeveryone, even grocery store clerks."

SURVEY

Mr. Nice Guy

How nice is too nice?

You eat the wrongmeal because you don'twant to send it back.

You go on a seconddate with a woman whoditched you on the first

date.You lend a friend

rent money even thoughhe spent your last loanon car speakers.

You have never usedyour car's horn.

Vote

Tuesday, July 25, 2006 - 12:00 AM

Permission to reprint or copy this article or photo, other than personal use, must be obtained from

The Seattle Times. Call 206-464-3113 or e-mail [email protected] your request.

Mr. Nice Guy

By Diana Wurn

Special to The Seattle Times

"You're way too nice," is something Reid Busselle hears all

the time, but it is not always meant as a compliment.

People say this to him after borrowing his work tools on theconstruction site and then returning them damaged or not

returning them at all. His wife told him he was "too nice"

whenever he refused to argue with her. And he tells himself

the same thing when he thinks about advancing at work to

become a foreman. He could never imagine telling other people what to do, though he has spent a

lifetime gaining the skills and experience to do it. So he continues working as a sheetrock and metal

framer, which is taking a toll on his 48-year-old body.

"If you're too nice, you get a lot of people who take advantage of you," says Busselle, who lives in

Puyallup. "To avoid conflict, I'd even refuse to take something I bought back to a store if it was the

wrong size or if it was defective."

The extremely nice often find themselves stuck in middle-management jobs,

unfulfilling relationships and no idea why their niceness isn't reciprocated as

they think it should be. Though there are equal numbers of "overly nice" men

and women, it is men especially who find themselves frustrated by their

compulsive niceness and stuck because of it.

Busselle has spent a great deal of energy trying to make sure things go

smoothly, yet the paradox is that this very behavior actually createsturbulence in his life.

An overly nice guy might insist on paying for absolutely everything,

apologize incessantly, compliment people with abandon and minimize his

own accomplishments while making sure everybody else feels worthwhile.

Nice guys hope that by doing these things, they will change others' behavior.


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But real life is never so simple.

"It's confusing to people," says Timothy Keller, a 23-year-old music major at

the University of Washington, who picked up a copy of a friend's book called "Anxious to Please" and

immediately identified with the term "chronically nice."

He was constantly doing nice things for women he wanted to date, and trying to make sure they were

happy with questions like: "Do you want another beer? A glass of water? Are you hungry? Can I drive

you somewhere?"

"I actually think it came across as kind of creepy," says Keller.

People he met wondered why he had so much time to do so many things for them. And he noticed the

nice strategy didn't help him get work, either. In an important job interview, he remembers trying hard

to be everything the boss wanted. This also backfired.

Keller now realizes his acquiescent behavior made him seem less desirable and less real. "I'm sure the

boss picked up on that and thought: That's bull!" he says.

A self-destructive pattern

"Nice guys are fundamentally dishonest," says Dr. Robert Glover, a licensed marriage and family

therapist in Bellevue, and author of "No More Mr. Nice Guy!" one of two books on the subject by

local authors. The nice guy says what other people want to hear and hides their mistakes to avoid

conflict.

Glover has worked for years counseling men whose need to please has interfered with their work and

relationships. These men generally fear being the brutish jerk that people dislike. By being extremely

nice, they believe they're different and therefore better than the typical guy.

Men are also more reluctant than women to discuss the issue or identify it as a problem because of

societal conditioning. And it's a problem that has grown over the past few decades, says Glover, even

though it's rarely discussed openly.

A "covert contract" guides most chronically nice behavior, says Glover. It is the hope that niceness will

beget niceness, and they will be rewarded and liked by doing things for others, and never have to

demand anything for themselves.

But asking for what you want out of any kind of relationship is part of what makes it a healthy one, he

says. The extremely nice never seem to get what they want and beneath all the strained smiles, apassive-aggressive rage can be slowly seething.

"In any kind of relationship they want to end, these men hope for what I call the Greyhound Divorce,"

says Glover, "They hope their partner will just get hit by a Greyhound bus or maybe get cancer rather

than taking action to change something."


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Book signing

"Anxious to Please"

Authors James Rapson and CraigEnglish,7 p.m. Wednesday, July 26,Third Place Books, Lake Forest ParkTowne Centre, 17171 Bothell WayN.E., 206-366-3333.

They start to resent the other person for not fulfilling all their needs, but can't address it because it just

wouldn't seem nice.

He also mentions the other way that nice guys decide to ditch a relationship. Rather than telling another

person what they need or what isn't working, they opt for the "break-up by stripper" method. This

involves doing destructive things until the partner calls it off out of frustration.

Gaining perspective on behavior

Unlike a clinical diagnosis of something like generalized anxiety disorder, which occurs in only 5

percent of the population, and involves pronounced and distressing worry that makes it difficult to

function, "nice guys" can function normally in daily life.

It's just that they aren't truly happy. The compulsive desire to be nice to everyone is an overwhelming

and exhausting task.

"I wanted to be liked by everyone, even grocery store clerks," says Craig English, co-author with

James Rapson of the new book, "Anxious to Please."

English was the guy who always stayed late at the office, usually

until 11 p.m., feeling unappreciated but hoping his efforts at work

would be noticed.

Someday.

He was the guy who for years could not write an e-mail without

saying "thank you" and complimenting the recipient at least once.

By simply being aware of his feelings, he was able to identify howit felt to be "nice" versus genuinely kind. He started to stand up for himself at work and noticed that

when he was falling all over himself to appear nice, he was often just trying to get a certain reaction.

"A great question is to ask yourself is: Would it have been just as easy not to have done the nice thing?

If so, you have to ask yourself if you are trying to get someone to like you," says English.

The hardest part of changing behavior requires a nice guy to confront a core belief that he is not OK

just as he is without the $50 flower arrangement, or the extravagant meal on the first date or those

extra hours at the office on weekends.

Rapson and others counsel men on how to ask for what they want and accept that in any relationshipthey also have needs. They help men focus on the reality of a situation and allow them to give up the

illusion of control. Soon nice guys are more focused on what is really happening than the fantasy of

what could happen.

Glover even suggests practicing more of the "nice" behavior as an experiment, just to see how it feels

to go completely overboard. After spending an entire weekend overly focused on everyone else's


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needs, it quickly becomes apparent how annoying such servile behavior can be.

The key is reconnecting with other men, getting physically strong and healthy, finding healthy male

role models who can share their feelings and take risks, and re-examining the relationship with their

fathers, which is often lacking in some way, Glover says.

For Keller, the first step toward change was paying attention to his own behavior. He noticed

whenever he worried about what people thought of him, he'd lapse into his pleasing pattern. His

shoulders would tense and his stomach would become upset.

Once aware, he was able to change his behavior, and now says he's much happier. He has found

himself developing real relationships with a variety of people he never would have gotten to know in

the past.

"I used to try to 'nice' my way into people's affections," he says. "Now I've been able to substitute

doing nice things for actually fostering an emotional connection."

Diana Wurn is a frequent contributor to The Seattle Times; [email protected] 2006 The Seattle Times Company

Two Books on Nice Guy Syndrome

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