C ase S tudi e s in brief & family ther apy, I 994, I ( I ), 5 -l 4

TREATING THE HOUSE LIKE A HOTEL:From simile to metaPhor

Brian Cadex

Most if not all of us will hnve come across par'ents who, talking of their teenager, complainthat he or she "treats the house just like ahotel". The following case study is one out of anumber of extreme situations in which parentshave been persuaded to take the metaphor oftheir house-as-hotel to its logical conclusion'

Leanne was a fifteen-year old young womanwho could easily be taken for eighteen-years oldor more. She was brought to me by her motherand her step-father. They described her as beingtotally beyond their control. She had rarelyattended school over the previous two years. Shetypically spent three or four days at a time awayfrom home, living, as far as they knew, eitherwith whichever was her current boy friend, orwith various friends. Some times she would stayaway for weeks at a time, usually after a majorargument with one or both of them. Whencrossed, or in the face of either of them attempt-ing to reason with her about any aspect of herlife style, she would often become verbally abu-sive. On several occasions, she had physicallyattacked her mother.

As they described the situation to me, Leanne satwith a bored or defiant look on her face. Shedeclined to comment when invited either by meor by them to do so, just shrugging her shouldersand reminding her parents that they were the

* Private practice, P.O. Box 386, Easwood2122

ones who had wanted to come and see me. Shehad nothing to say.

It is usually my policy with escalating parent/adolescent problems, after a short family inter-view that allows me to develop a sense of howthe members operate together, to split the twogenerations up, seeing the adolescent first andthen the parents. As I have pointed outelsewhere,

Both sides are told that all such sessions aretotally confidential and that I will not bepassing information from one side to theother, although what they themselves decideto share with each other later is, of course, upto them ... This enables me ethically to gointo an overt coalition with each side in orderto help them deal more productively with thedifficulties they are experiencing in relationto the other side.

From lhis point onwards, I rarely see themtogether again. Siblings, unless they are alsoinvolved directly in an escalation with theirparents, are usually thanked for their help andoffered no further appointments. I wouldnever see the parents and the siblingstogether without the "problem" adolescenfpresent, particularly if those siblings seemregularly to side with the parents against theirbrother or sister. In this way, I find it mucheasier to address, effectively and respectfully,the "attempted solutions" (see Watzlawick, etal,1974) that each side is applying ineffectu-

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ally to its perceived problems with the otherside.

The more the parents attempt to control, pro-tect, help or guide the adolescent, the morethe adolescent is driven to retreat or rebel.The more the adolescent tries to "find space',by avoiding, by arguing with, or by disobey-ing their "over-intrusive" parents (as they seethem), the more they confirm their parents'doubts andfears and thus atftactfurther atten-tion from them. (Cade, 1988, p. 3l)

The session wittr Leanne was easier than I hadexpected. She said she didn't mind talking to methough she couldn't see how it would make anydifference. She had no intentions of changing herlife style. She was clearly giving away as little aspossible and I decided not to ask anything aboutthis life-style. However, she did respond to thequestion "lf you were me, what would want toadvise your parents to do, assuming they wouldlisten to me?" She admitted that her step-father's"interminable sermons" and her mother's "slimy,underhand attempts at getting close to me" weredriving her crazy. She was clearly not a cus-tomer for anything from me at this point, but didinfer that, if I could find a way of getting themoff of her back, she would probably end up giv-ing them less of a hard time.

"But I'd have to be sure it was for good.Who wants to hang around to be lecturedor slobbered over?"

She admitted that they probably did have somecause to be concerned about her but said that itwas her life and that she knew exactly what shewas doing. I said that I would see what I coulddo about getting them off of her back but Icouldn't promise anything; and I didn't thinkthat I could stop them worrying about her.

"That's O.K., as long as they keep it tothemselves."

John, her step father was a kind though some-what (in his own words) old-fashioned man.

Brian Cade

Bom of a Dutch father and an English mother,and brought up in Holland, he was of the viewthat children had to learn right from wrong, andthat Leanne had to learn to obey their rules.Widely read, he was familiar with the rationalemotive approach to therapy and had beenattempting to apply the ideas with his step-daughter, to no avail. He was a greatbeliever inthe power of logic and of rational argument butwas prone to giving long lectures (at one point ina later session he admitted that he was "perhapsnot so good at the listening side of debating").

Sally, the mother, an English teacher, was Aus-tralian. She had divorced her first husband.I€anne's and a younger daughter Jennifer's nat-ural father, because of his drinking and theincreasing extent of his violence. For a fewyears, she and the two girls had lived alonetogether until she met and manied John whenLeanne was eleven. There had initially been noapparent tension in the relationship betweenstep-father and step-daughter (although they hadbeen expecting it).

The problems had started after they had beencontacted by lranne's school a couple of yearsearlier and informed that she had been truantingregularly. As far as they had been aware, she hadbeen attending regularly. She had been bothleaving for school and arriving back home at theappropriate time. It became clear that she hadbeen using a friend's house for changing out ofand, later on in the day, changing back into herschool uniform. From then on the situation haddeteriorated. Leanne gave up any pretence ofcooperation and became increasingly defiant. Ashort period back living with her natural father(at her request) had been a near disaster. Theyhad been permanently "at daggers drawn".According to John, she and her father were toomuch alike in temperament. Following herretum, tlings had continued to become worseand worse.

She was regularly using drugs and alcohol. Theyfeared that she had probably been financing thedrug habit through occasional periods of prosti-

Case Studies

tution. She had also stolen valuable items of jew-ellery and porcelain from them, although she haddenied this. Not wishing"to alienate her further,they had not informed the police about the thefts.After the periods away, she would retum homeand sleep more-or-less continuously for a coupleof days; she would eat prodigious amounts offood; she would demand that her mother washher clothes; and then usually she would disap-pear again. At other times, she might stay withthem for several weeks; usually "on her ownterms". Sometimes, at such times, John wouldtry to re-negotiate some basic gtound rules withher. Sometimes, she would appear to agree; butshe would inevitably break those rules and, inthe face of John's further attempts to discuss thesituation "rationally" with her, would storrn out.John never threatened her nor struck her; he didnot aglee with violence as an answer to anyproblem. She would treat any appeal from hermother with contempt. Yet, at times, she wouldsuddenly and spontaneously hug her mother,

" ... as though with desperation and asthough she was aching to beg my forgive-ness. Yet, if it was contrition, it never suc-ceeded in breaking through that hard outershell. It breaks my heart to catch such abrief glimpse of that lonely child and thento see her shoulders stiffening, and herface hardening over again."

The younger sister, Jennifer, also often felt thebrunt of Iranne's temper. Aged thirteen, shewas doing well at school. Her parents describedher as "tractable" and "sweel natured". Theydescribed how they often felt it necessary to pro-tect her from her older sister's scorn and angerand occasional physical attacks. They wereaware, however, that this probably served, in theend, only further to fuel Leanne's frusnadon andfury. But they did not know what else to do.

Sally tended to defer to her husband's opinionthough clearly did not always agree with hisstricter demands of Leanne. She was aware thatshe would tend to give way "for the sake ofpeace". However, there was not really a high

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level of disagreement between them about eitherthe unacceptableness of her behaviour or thegeneral standards to which they wished her toconform.

I pointed out to them that, in my opinion, thiswas perhaps ihe most difficult era in which tobring up children, even though a Babylonian tab-let had been discovered, which must be about 3-4,000 years old, on which had been inscribed,

Today's youth is rotten to the core: it isevil, Godless and lazy. It will never bewhat youth used to be, and it will never beable to preserve our culture. (referred to inWatzlawick, 197 4, p. 33)

Our children are subjected to intense pressuresthrough the media and through advertising, pres-sures that focus on fashion, on music, sex, thegreater freedom, the wider range of activitiesavailable, the gteater availability of drugs, in factthe whole youth cult that began when 4'lvisPresley fust wiggled his hips and outraged somany parents and institutions. All of this hasmade growing up a more exciting, a more prom-ising, yet a more risky venture. Parents, today,have many reasons to be concemed. Althoughtoday's adolescents are capable of a high level ofsophistication, and understanding, they are stillsubject to the same confusions about who theyare and what they will become with which westruggled. Films such as "Blackboard Jungle"and James Dean's "Rebel Without a Cause", andthe musical, "West Side Story", were writtenabout our generation. They very much agreedwith this analysis.

We also looked at the problems that stem fromthere being no clear rite of passage to mark themove from the status of child to the status ofadult. When should they be considered grown-up? Is it at puberty, when nature decides they areold enough to reproduce? Is it when they leaveschool? Is it when they reach sixteen and arelegally allowed to make their own decisionsabout leaving home and about sex? Is it whenthey can have a driving licence? Is it when they

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are old enough to join the army and die for theircountry? Is it when they leave home? Is it whenthey are twenty-one, the once traditional age forreceiving the key of the door?

In terms of the problems between Leanne andJennifer, we looked at how easy it is for a parentto take on the role of trying to keep the peace orto protect one child from the other. On an occa-sional basis, this is unlikely to be a problem.However, if it begins to become a position that aparent feels constantly forced to take, then it istime to consider what is happening and whetherthe approaches being used are working or, asthey had already become concerned about, arethey inadvertently adding fuel to the situation.

Whatever the rights and wrongs of the situationas far as either of them is concerned, once theywere seen to take sides, they inevitably ended upwith an aggrieved daughter who felt that aninjustice had been done. The righteous indigna-tion accompanying this sense of injustice lead toher being determined to right the wrong at theearliest possible opportunity, usually by doingsomething to hit back either at them or at Jenni-fer (who was clearly often seen as being toblame by being such a "slimy goody goody").

I commiserated with how, as a parent, it canoften be hard to stand back in the face of siblingsfighting, particularly when it is feared that onemay be hurt. Yet, in the long run, siblings mustlargely be left to sort their differences out them-selves. The more parents intervene, the lesslikely it will be ttrat they will learn do this, andthe more the parent(s) coutd be drawn into anendless cycle. Leanne will have become adept atknowing just which srings to pull to get the par-ent(s) involved in yet another fruitless battle.Neither, I suspected, would Jennifer always betotally innocent, however convincingly sheappeared to be so. They agreed with this andwere able to describe examples of Jennifer hav-ing seemed deliberately to have goadedher sisterinto a rage. Leanne will believe that they arealways picking on her and at her, and she will beoblivious to the contribution she is making to

Brian Cade

this process (and it will usually be totally use-less, even inJlammatory, to point this fact out toher).

However, it is important to leam largely toignore sibling disagreements and to ignore them"quietly rather than noisily" (i.e. just to ignoretheir behaviours, allow the situation to go overthe top of your head, rather than have a painedand strained facial expression, "look how I amignoring you", such that it will still be clear thatthe behaviours are very much preoccupyingyou). They should, as far as is possible, be genu-inely warmly accepting of and civil to l,eanne. Itis important to remember that ttrey are ignoringas many as possible of her provocative behavi-ours; they are not ignoring fter. This is because,driving the vicious circle is likely to be a highdegree of insecurity. Underneath the tough sur-face, troubled and troublesome adolescents oftenloath themselves and what they are doing(though they would be highly unlikely to admirthis, particularly to their parents). They ,verymuch agreed that this was probably the case withI-eanne.

The difficulty with dealing with such siruationsonce they have become deeply entrenched, isthat Leanne probably needs tlem to be pro-active in spending time with her, showing aninterest in her, loving her unconditionally,responding positively, but at their own instiga-tion rather than for the sake of peace or as aresult of her wearing them down. This can beextremely difficult once demoralisation, weari-ness and resentrnent has set in. She would alsobe unlikely, at first, to trust any changes inresponses and would be likely to test the situa-tion, usually by increasing the behaviours thattended in the past to "pull their strings". Out-lasting this phase can be tough.

"But it's difficult to know where to start.She's hardly around for us to even beginto try some of these ideas out. She's basi-cally using our house just like a hotel."

I realized that in this simile there was the seed of

Case Studies

an idea that might help them through this phase.

"I think you might have a potentialanswer ttlere."

We began to look together at how a hotel treatsan occasional but regular guest? The parentswere quickly drau'n increasingly enthusiasticallyinto an elaboration of the following ideas.

We agreed that, for a start, hotel staff do notimmediately bombard you with questions suchas,

. "'Where have you been?"

. "'Who have you been with?"

. "Don't you know how worried we havebeen about you?"

. "Look at the state of you? Haven't youbeen eating properly?"

. "Can't you see how you're throwing yourlife away?"

They are more likely to approach you in a wel-coming though not overwhelming fashion.

. "It's good to see you again."

. "Your room is ready for you."

. "There are clean towels laid out if youwould like a shower."

. "'Would you like a cup of tea or coffee?"

. "Dinner will be at eight. Will you be eat-ing with us?"

. "Do you have any laundry that needsdoing?"

. "Is there anything else you would like?"

They will respect your privacy and demand noth-ing of you by way of specific activities nor askabout your plans for the future. If a guest is trou-blesome, the staff will show considerable toler-ance to a wide range of behaviours. Only if theguest becomes too noisy, abusive or threateningwill they begin to react, initially respondingpolitely though increasingly firmly, asking themquietly to desist. They may finally politely askthe person to leave and, as a final response, callthe police to have them ejected.

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When, after your stay, you finally go, the staffdo not bombard you with questions such as,

. "Where are you going then?""When are you coming back?"

. "What about school?"

They usually wish you all the best.

"It was nice to see you again. We hopeyou had a good stay. We look forward toseeing you next time you are passing

Fough this way."

They began creatively to apply the hotel meta-phor to their situation at home and to see analo-gous ways in which they might be able torespond differently to Leanne's provocativebehaviour both by avoiding fruitlessly arguingwith and provoking her, and by refusing to be soeasily stirred up. It was clear that these responseswould have to be made in a genuine way with nohint of anger or of sarcasm. Good hotel. staffmight swear about you when in the kitchen but,to your face, they will be the epitome of polite-ness and consideration.

The metaphor became a template against whichthey saw they could measure, judge and plantheir responses to her. It could allow them to beavailable without feeling exploited. It could helpthem be unconditionally responsive and attentivewithout being effusively and intrusively so. Itcould help them feel they were available to helpwithout feeling impotently shut-out and rejectedwhen their offers were declined.

Central to them being prepared to try out thisidea was their complete acceptance that every-thing they had been uying so far had not workedand was unlikely to have any effect were they tocontinue trying the same approaches in thefuture. If either of the parents had felt that theirapproach might finally work, or had beenhooked into the stubborn position that it wasLeanne that hail to learn, had to change, then itwould not have been appropriate to proceed withthe suggestion. It is not always easy to feel that

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not doing something, that backing away from anescalation, can actually be daing something pos-itive. Parents can easily feel that they are givingup, or it is they that are having to make all of theconcessions. Again, if this had been an issue forthese parents, this approach would have beenunlikely to have been productive.

It was thus also extremely important that ttreydid not feel that I was criticising them, and tharthis acceptance that their attempted solutionswere not working was not reached in a spirit offailure or self-blame. To this end, I gave them acopy of a handout, entitled Approaches that usu-ally do not work, that I often share with peopleto help them work out what it is that they mightinadvertently be doing that has become fruitlesshowever correct, logical, or justifiable it seemsto be. (This handout is reproduced on pages 1l-12 . )

I highlighted how important ir was not to takeresponsibility for areas of an adolescent's lifeover which, in the end, you basically have littleor no control, areas in which, eventually, theymust find their own way. Unfortunately, some ofthose areas are those that can give parents thegreatest cause for concern, such as the way theydeal with issues like school, their choice offriends, their attitudes towards and about sex,alcohol, drugs, etc.. It is a sad fact ttrat a parent'sunsolicited advice, guidance, or attempts to pro-tect or to control in any of these areas can oftenhave the very opposite outcome to the one beingsought. However, it is important that parents bethere for them to turn to when they need helpand support; that they feel safe that they can dothis without meeting rejection or a banage ofcriticism such as, "I told you so. You have madeyour own bed and now you must lie on it!" or,"It's your own fault!".

We discussed the problem that the more rulesyou have, the more are likely to be broken, par"ticularly if many of them are over what the ado-lescent sees as relatively trivial things. It isimportant to avoid constantly appearing too criti-cal or "picky". An atmosphere of constant disap

Brian Cade

proval and criticism is usually uncomfortable forall concerned and rarely achieves any positiveresponses, and parents can end up becomingfull-time police officers in their own home. Longlists of negative cornments or complaints tend toproduce instant deafness or defiance. Theyshould be careful to avoid being lured by herinto slanging matches (Learure would probablybe better at this than them) or into a more gener-alized gripe about her attitude or aspects of herbehaviour.

We also looked at the importance of avoidingbecoming a permanent Sherlock Holmes, con-stantly hunting for evidence of lies and deceit.The position "I will not trust you until you provethat you can be trusted" invariably worsens a sit-uation. Adolescents tend just to get better andbetter at lying or deceiving or end up just notcaring whether you believe them or not. Parentshave to trust and have that trust broken, trust andhave that trust broken, trust and have that trustbroken ... endlessly, hard and sometimes fright-ening though that position can be to maintain.Paradoxically, it is a position that is much morelikely to work in the long run.

John and Sally ended the session looking for-ward enthusiastically to putting these ideas intoeffect. I warned them that it would not be easy,reminding them that it might be necessary tohelp each other to persevere even in the faceeither of no immediate changes happening or ofa temporary worsening of the situation. I believethat their determination ultimately stemmedfrom their belief that Leanne was, deep down, asad and frightened young woman rather than badand manipulative. They saw themselves asembarking on a long-term project on her behalf,attempting to create a backdrop against whichshe might eventually begin to setrle down.

"If things begin to improve in the short-term, we'll see it as a bonus."

At the next session, the parents reported that,though Leanne had not changed her life-style,she had been "much less objectionable". They

Case Studies l I

APPROACHES THAT USUALLY DO NOT WORK

The approaches outlined below, though they may be effective on an occasional basis (enoughperhapi to keep us hooked), tend, when part of a chronic, regular pattern, not only not to work,but to intensify the occurrence of the very behaviour or attifude we are ftying to change.

These approaches or positions tend to fail, not because people operate them poorly or withinsufficiint subtlety, nor because they have the wrong motivation. They appear not to workbecause they just do not wor*, however well you present your case and however logical orcorrecr your case may be, In the same way that a ball that is released will always fall downwardsnot upwards, its as though it is a law of human nature not to want, or be able, to cooperate in theface of the constant use of the following approaches.

A. The unsolicited lecture. Lectures 'l .

| (especially when given "for your own good"). advice )

. nagging

. hints

encouragement; "Why don't you just ty to ..."

begging/pleading/trying to justify your position

appeals to logic or to conmonsense

pamphlets/newspaper articles strategically left lying around, or read out.

the silent, long-suffering "look-at-how-patiently-and-bravely-I-am-not-saying-or-noticing-anything" approach, or an angry version of the same (these are often the most powerful"lectures" of the lot).

repeated and/or escalating punishments tend also not to work and often result in more ofthe same, or an escalation of, problem behaviours.

B. Taking the high moral ground

When any'of the above is operated from a position of superiority, of "unassailable" logic(usually the male position), of moral outrage or righteous indignation. For example;

. "If you really loved me ..."

. "surely you could see that if you ..."

. "Why can't you realize that ..."

. "Anyone with any sense ..."

. "After all I've done ..."

I2 Brian Cade

"Look how ill/desperate/depressed I've made myself by wonying about ...',,"f 'll love you and stop being angry/walking ouf/refusing to speak, if you do exactly what

I want.",

"I love you because you behave as I want you to and will for as long as you remain thatw3!",

and so on; any position, in fact, that implies that ttre speaker is in possession of the truth abouthow things are or how they should De, or has superior lcrowledge, abilities, or a set of morals inwhich the other, by definition, is quite clearly deficient or lacking.

C. Self sacrifice/denial. Continually operating in order to keep the peace,' constantly "walking on eggshells" in order not to upset or to anger others,. constantly putting the happiness of others before your own,. continually seeking to justify yourself,. protecting others from the consequences of their actions,. putting your own life permanently on hold:.hoping the other will change,. continually trying to please somebody/everybody.

D. Do it spontaneously!

Where one person, through any of the above approaches, tries to make another do something oradopt a different attitude, but demands also that they should do it because they WANT to do it.

"You ought to want to please me!","I would like you to show more affection, but I'll only accept it if you do it because youwant to!","It's not enough that you help with the washing-up, I would prefer you to do it gladly/willingly."

Trying to make somebody more responsible, more expressive, more reasonable, more thought-ful, more considerate, more sexy, more assertive, etc, is an invitation for them to be obedient toyour definitions of how they should be, regardless of your actual intentions. It rarely, if ever,works. The best you will get is obedience; by far the most likely response will be an increasinginability to respond, disobedience, anger, withdrawal, failure, resentment. It appears that mostpeople do not like to be obedient.

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had been able to avoid many of the Approachesthat Usually Do Not Work (in fact, they askedfor a new copy in that the original copy I hadgiven them was now covered with notes), thoughit had by no means been easy, particularly when,on one occasion, Leanne had arrived homedrunk. They had found the metaphor of the hotelextremely helpful. When in doubt about how toreact, they discovered that they were usuallyable, by discussing how hotel staff faced withsimilar circumstances might react, to find a wayof responding to Leanne that avoided an escala-tion but left them feeling empowered. Theyfound that doing nothing could actually feel likedoing something.

The next few sessions were essentially devotedto my encouraging them to persevere in thedirection that was clearly slowly beginning tohave an effect. There was no miracle cure.Leanne did not suddenly turn into an amenable,cooperative daughter. However, she began totalk to her mother about wanting to start sortingout the mess that her life was in. She also talkedof retuming to school and working towards herHigher School Certificate. The parents rapidlyfound that, if they became too enthusiastic aboutthese intentions and therefore too helpful,Leanne would begin struggling with them tatherthan with the problems. They learned to respondencouragingly but more cautiously, taking aposition such as,

"That sounds like a good idea, We hope itsorts out for you. Let us know if we canbe of any help."

Several months later, quite out of the blue,Leanne telephoned and asked to see me. She wasconcerned with the way that she was beingexploited financially, emotionally and sexuallyby her current boy friend.

"If I don't give a damn, I can do what Iwant with them. However, as soon as Ifind someone I begin to care about, I gettreated like shit: and I don't seem to beable to stop it happening."

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I saw her for a couple of sessions. She describedhow she hated herself. We looked in detail athow specifically she would be different as shebegan to accept and respect herself more and tofind more and more ways of not being so easilyexploited. She cancelled the third sessionbecause she had found a part time job, but let meknow that she had ended the relationship withher boy friend. He had been angry and hadthreatened her, but she had "stuck to her guns"(one of the ways she had said that she would bedifferent as she began to respect herself more).

My last contact was with the mother, about oneyear later. I-eanne was studying hard for herHSC. She was still taking drugs but far less fre-quently. She still stayed out all night on occa-sions, but not for days at a time, and usually shewould let her parents know. She was still a veryprivate person, but they no longer experiencedthe abusive and violent explosions that used tooccur. There were times when she would talkmuch more openly to her mother. She was"morephysically demonstrative, even to her step-fatherwith whom she would also sometimes enjoy "alogical debate about some issue or other". Theydid not think that she had ever worked as a pros-titute again and, although she currently did nothave a steady boyfriend, she appeared not to bebehaving so promiscuously anymore. She feltthat they still had a long way yet to go, but bothshe and John felt that they could now weatherwhatever stolms might still be ahead.

"We still occasionally ask ourselves 'how

would an experienced hotelier deal withthis?"'

A final note

John and Sally introduced the idea of "treatingthe house like a hotel" as they described theirfrustration with their daughter. They were com-plaining about her attitude, however this com-ment led to thoughts in my mind about whatmight happen tf they began to treat Learure likea hotel guest. It suggested a frame within which

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it might be possible to encourage and empowerthem to do "less of the same".

I am clear ttrat the idea that they should do some-thing different was mine, and was not (in thecurrent jargon) "co-created". As such, I wasembarking on a process of persuasion. At thesame time, my suggestion would have been fruifless had it not been presented in such a way as tofit with their experience. Their simile became ametaphor that offered a way of doing this.

I am aware of the current position, held by manyin our field, that we should avoid inJluence andmerely encourage a discourse, a therapeutic con-versation, in which the therapist makes noattempt to " ... direct, maneuvre or change thefamily's dialogue in a particular dkection ... "(Markowitz, 1992, p. 12, quoting HarleneAnderson). I believe it to be dangerous delusionthat such a posture is possible. It is impossible toavoid influencing any interactions that we aredirectly involved in, albeit unconsciously,through the whole range of vocal and non-vocalchannels of communication through which infor-mation is exchanged. There appears also to be acunent, and often somewhat sanctimoniouslyexpressed, preoccupation in our field with deny-ing completely the validity of the role of"expert", or of expertise itself. I would argue thatsuch a role can be taken in a way that does notdis-empower.

I have commented elsewhere that I am some-times "an unashamed expert". I announce to myclients that, after 25 yeus or so experience, Ihave become an expert in what usually does notwork in relationships (Cade, 1992). Of course, inrespect of what does work, I am far less certain,although I may have a few ideas about whatmight work. Since I have seen many clientswell-meaningly struggle with strategies whichseem destined to fail, it would be negligent (per-haps unethical) of me to withhold this informa-tion from them, in the hope that they will eventu-ally discover it for themselves.

As Cade and O'Hanlon have commented,

Brian Cade

It has not escaped our notice ttrat most ofthose who are eschewing expertise and tech-nique are extremely experienced therapistswith much expertise and a finely honed com-mand of technique. We agree with the moveaway from adversarial attitudes, covertlymanipulative techniques and the attitude thattherapy is a process in which we with all theknow-how act benevolently upon those with-oul However, we believe lhat to pretend tohave no knowledge or skills, or to deny thatthe experience and wisdom we bring to ourtherapy was gained through the prolongedand sometimes painful exercise of and evolu-tion in that knowledge and those skills, is anonsense. To offer the fruits of many years ofexperience in a sensitive and respectful wayto a uoubled client or family is not necessar-ily synonymous with disempowering them ortreating them as incompetent (although itclearly can be done in rhat way). (1993, p.66)

I agree with anything that increases a ctient'ssense of autonomy, of self-determination, oftheir own abilities. I do not agree that for thetherapist to make suggestions or to persuade theclient to try something different represents theexploitation of an unhealthy power differential.

References

Cade, B. (1988) The art of neglecting children:Passing the responsibility back, FamilyT herapy C ase Studies, 3, 27 -34.

Cade, B. (1992) I am an unashamed expert,Context: A news magazine of familytherapy, l l, 3O-31.

Cade, B. and O'Hanlon, W. H. (1993) A briefguide to brief tlurapy. New York: W.W.Norton.

Markowitz, L. M. (1992) Around rhe nerwork,F amily T herapy N etworker, 16, 12-14.

Watzlawick, P., Weakland, J. H. and Fisch, R.(1974) Change : Principles of problemformntion and problem resolution. NewYork: W. W. Norton.