How True Is The Story ?

Once upon time, an aerospace company in Maryland and a Japanese automobile company decided to have a competitive boat race on the Potomac river. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day they both felt as ready as they could be.

The Japanese won by a mile.

Afterwards, the American team became very discouraged by the loss and morale sagged. Corporate Management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A "Continuous Measurable Improvement" team was set up to investigate the problem and to recommended appropriate corrective action. Their conclusion:

The problem was that the Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering, whereby the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering. The American Company Steering Committee immediately hired a consulting firm to do a study on the management structure. After some time and millions of dollars, the consulting firm concluded that "Too many people were steering and not enough rowing!"

To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the team's management structure was totally reorganized to four Steering Managers, three Area Steering Managers, one Staff Steering Manager and a new performance system for the person rowing the boat to give him more incentive to work harder. "We must give him empowerment and enrichment. That should accomplish our Total Quality Management goals!!"

The next year the Japanese won by two miles.

Humiliated, the aerospace company laid off the rower for poor performance, sold the paddles, canceled all capital investment for new equipment, halted development of a new boat, gave a "High Performance" award to the consulting firm, then distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.

A Little StoryThis is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done! An ISO 9001 PencilIn an effort to get registered, an organization had written, rewritten and written again many of it's manuals, procedures, process descriptions and control documentation causing one of the staff to ask "what's the difference between a regular pencil and an ISO 9001 certified pencil? "

Answer: The ISO 9001 pencil has an eraser on both ends.

We certainly hope you don't have this much difficulty meeting the requirements of the standard, and also recognize that the standard applies to organizations, not to products.

The Ten Commandments Of Employment

If it rings, put it on hold.If it clunks, call the repairman.If it whistles, ignore it.If it's a friend, stop work and chat.If it's the boss, look busy.If it talks, take notes.If it's handwritten, type it.if it's typed, copy it.If it's copied, file it.If it's Friday, forget it!

Work vs Prison

IN PRISON... you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON... you get three meals a day.AT WORK... you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON... you get time off for good behavior.AT WORK... you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON... the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.AT WORK... you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON... you can watch TV and play games.AT WORK... you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON... you get your own toilet.AT WORK... you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON... all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work requiredAT WORK... you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON... you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.AT WORK... you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON... you must deal with sadistic wardens.AT WORK... they are called managers.

So why is it, again, that we work?

All Is Fair In Business

A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his ownopened up next door and erected a huge sign which read 'BEST DEALS.'

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, andannounced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading 'LOWEST PRICES.'

The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest signof all over his own shop. It read: 'MAIN ENTRANCE' Eager To Impress The Boss

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine."I just need one copy."

The Requirements Of This Job

Employer: "In this job we need someone who is responsible."

Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

What makes life 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants more than 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

Here's a little math that might prove helpful.

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

then:

H A R D W O R K 8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%

K N O W L E D G E 11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%

but:

A T T I T U D E 1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

and: B U L L S H I T 2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close,attitude will get you there, but bullshit will put you over the top.

And look how far this will take you...

A S S K I S S I N G 1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%

The Spoon

(A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an organization.)

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However when the busboy brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket, then I looked around the room and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Anderson Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.

As luck would have it I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare spoon. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was rather impressed.

I noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. "Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom." "How so?" "See," he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of your you know what, we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."

After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

Memo Degredation

Memo from CEO to Manager: --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Today at 11 o'clock there will be a total eclipse of the sun. This iswhen the sun disappears behind the moon for two minutes. As this is something that cannot be seen every day, time will be allowed foremployees to view the eclipse in the parking lot. Staff should meet inthe lot at ten to eleven, when I will deliver a short speech introducingthe eclipse, and giving some background information. Safety goggles willbe made available at a small cost.

Memo from Manager to Department Head: --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Today at ten to eleven, all staff should meet in the car park. This willbe followed by a total eclipse of the sun, which will appear for twominutes. For a moderate cost, this will be made safe with goggles. TheCEO will deliver a short speech beforehand to give us all someinformation. This is not something that can be seen every day.

Memo from Department Head to Floor Manager: --------------------------------------------------------------------------------The CEO will today deliver a short speech to make the sun disappear fortwo minutes in the form of an eclipse. This is something that cannot be seen every day, so staff will meet in the car park at ten or eleven.This will be safe, if you pay a moderate cost.

Memo From Floor Manager to Supervisor: --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Ten or eleven staff are to go to the car park, where the CEO willeclipse the sun for two minutes. This doesn't happen every day. It willbe safe, and as usual it will cost you.

Memo from Supervisor to staff: --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Some staff will go to the car park today to see the CEO disappear.It is a pity this doesn't happen everyday.

The Oldest Profession…

A medical doctor, an engineer, and a management consultant were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world.

The doctor started… "Well, in the Bible, it says that God created Eve from a rib taken from Adam’s body. This must have required surgery, and so I can claim with a high degree of confidence that mine is the oldest profession in the world."

The engineer responded, and said, "But earlier in the book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly the most impressive

application of civil engineering. Therefore, dear doctor, you are wrong: mine is surely the oldest profession in the world."

The management consultant leaned back in his chair, smiled, and then said confidently, "Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?"Light bulbs…

How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?

It depends – “How large is your budget?”

•We don't know. They never seem to get past the feasibility study •Three. One to change the bulb, one to document the process and one to coach him on how to conform to the process

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me. Can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below says, "Yes, you are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 40 feet above this field. You are between 46 & 48 degrees N latitude and between 52 & 56 degrees W. longitude."

"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.

"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct but I have no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I am still lost."

The man below says, "You must be a Manager"

"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," says the man below, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met but now it is somehow my fault."

A man walked into a management consultant's office and inquired about the rates for undertaking an assignment.

"Well, typically we scope, structure and plan the assignment in advance, and charge $50,000 (plus sales tax and expenses) for three questions", replied the consultant. "Isn't that ridiculously expensive?" asked the man.

"Yes," the consultant replied, "and what was your third question?"Employee Placement Method

Does your organization struggle with the problem of properly fitting people to jobs? Here is a handy hint for ensuring success in job placement.

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.

If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in Engineering.

If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.

If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them off to Manufacturing.

If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.

If they are writing up the experience, send them to Tech Pubs.

If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.

If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.

If they've left early, put them in Sales.

And if they're all bullying each other, they're Management material.

Mottos to work by

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity

A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a scapegoat.

Plagiarism saves time.

If at first you don't succeed, try management.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

We waste time, so you don't have to.

Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

Succeed in spite of management.

Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

Political Philosophies Explained in Simple Two-Cow Terms

SOCIALISM You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.

COMMUNISM You have two cows. The government takes them both and provides you with milk.

FASCISM You have two cows. The government takes them and sells you the milk.

BUREAUCRACY You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours it down the drain.

CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

CORPORATE You have two cows. You sell one, force the other to produce the milk of four cows, then act surprised when it drops dead.

DEMOCRACY You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point that you must sell them both in order to pay the taxes to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow which was a gift from your government