Towards better dynamics and communication in Marriage- Islamic Perspective
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Transcript of Towards better dynamics and communication in Marriage- Islamic Perspective
TOWARDS BETTER TOWARDS BETTER DYNAMICS & DYNAMICS &
COMMUNICATIONCOMMUNICATION
IN MARRIAGEIN MARRIAGE
(ISLAMIC PERSPECTIVE)(ISLAMIC PERSPECTIVE)
FAMILY-ENDANGERED FAMILY-ENDANGERED INSTITUTION IN AMERICAINSTITUTION IN AMERICA
““The conflicts & tensions that disrupt The conflicts & tensions that disrupt the harmony and even threaten the the harmony and even threaten the survival of individual marriages have survival of individual marriages have increased in frequency and increased in frequency and intensity.” The Challenge of Marriage intensity.” The Challenge of Marriage by Dr.Rudolph Dreikursby Dr.Rudolph Dreikurs
Muslim families are influenced with Muslim families are influenced with this trend. Average divorce rate this trend. Average divorce rate amongst Muslim families is 31% (29-amongst Muslim families is 31% (29-37%) according to one survey.37%) according to one survey.
How to protect ourselves from How to protect ourselves from negative influences?negative influences?
Proper understanding of Islamic Proper understanding of Islamic teachings regarding family dynamics, teachings regarding family dynamics, relationships.relationships.
In depth knowledge of personality and In depth knowledge of personality and the life style of proposed spouse prior the life style of proposed spouse prior to marriage.to marriage.
High level of commitment of spouses High level of commitment of spouses for the marriagefor the marriage
Mutual respect and to resolve conflicts Mutual respect and to resolve conflicts in this spirit following Prophet’s Sunnah.in this spirit following Prophet’s Sunnah.
Objectives of Marriage in Objectives of Marriage in IslamIslam
Ibadah – This is the ultimate goal of Ibadah – This is the ultimate goal of the life of humans on this planet.the life of humans on this planet.
I have only created jinns and men that they may serve Me. Zariat 51:56
The believers men and women are
protectors one of another: they enjoin
what is just and forbid what is evil: they
observe regular prayers practice regular
charity and obey Allah and His apostle.
On them will Allah pour His mercy:
for Allah is Exalted in power Wise.
Tauba 9:71
Objectives of MarriageObjectives of Marriage
Tranquility, Mawaddah, RahmahTranquility, Mawaddah, Rahmah
And among His Signs is this that He created for you mates from among yourselves that ye may dwell in tranquility with them and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts); verily in that are Signs for those who reflect. Room 30:21
Objectives of MarriageObjectives of Marriage
Realizing and fulfilling Sunnah of Realizing and fulfilling Sunnah of creation. Allah (S) created species in creation. Allah (S) created species in pairs to live together and realize pairs to live together and realize their full potential.their full potential.
And of everything We have created pairs: that ye may receive instruction.Zariat 51:49
Objectives of marriageObjectives of marriage
ProcreationProcreation To achieve Ihsaan by fulfilling natural To achieve Ihsaan by fulfilling natural
sexual urges for the purpose of sexual urges for the purpose of procreation strictly in marriage.procreation strictly in marriage.
Fulfilling and satisfying parenthood Fulfilling and satisfying parenthood instinct in loving family environment.instinct in loving family environment.
Stronger society with high morals.Stronger society with high morals. Proper distribution of tasks.Proper distribution of tasks.
Do’s of successful Do’s of successful marriage.marriage.
7 C’s7 C’s1-Commitment1-Commitment2-Courtesy2-Courtesy3-Communication3-Communication4-Care4-Care5-Contentment5-Contentment6-Contribution6-Contribution7-Compromise7-Compromise
CommunicationCommunication
Effective communication reduces Effective communication reduces misconceptions and frequency of conflicts.misconceptions and frequency of conflicts.
4 principles of good communication4 principles of good communication
1- Listening to verbal and body language.1- Listening to verbal and body language.
2-Reflecting- 2-Reflecting-
3-Clarification-Find if you understood right.3-Clarification-Find if you understood right.
4-Empathizing- Put your self in your spouse 4-Empathizing- Put your self in your spouse position. Tell that you understand and careposition. Tell that you understand and care
Communication- Communication-
3 Styles of Dialogue (Suzan Heitler)3 Styles of Dialogue (Suzan Heitler)StrategyStrategy CollaboratCollaborat
iiCombativCombativee
Cut offCut off
GoalGoal Shared Shared understanunderstanding.ding.
To win by To win by inflicting inflicting damagedamage
To avoid To avoid conflictconflict
FormatFormat ConsensuConsensus buildings building
Debate Debate with with hurting hurting commentcommentss
Change Change the topicthe topic
ToneTone Positive, Positive, friendly, friendly, productivproductivee
Adamant, Adamant, irritable, irritable, angryangry
Hidden Hidden tension tension with false with false cheerinescheerinesss
CommunicationCommunication
3 Styles of Dialogue3 Styles of DialoguePurpose of Purpose of listeninglistening
To hear To hear what is what is rightright
To defend To defend against against info info presentedpresented
Listening Listening does not does not occuroccur
ToxicityToxicity Tact Tact minimizes minimizes hurtful hurtful sayingssayings
Toxic Toxic comments comments are used.are used.
Criticism Criticism is avoided is avoided by by avoiding avoiding controvercontroversysy
Attitude Attitude towards towards differencedifference
RespectfulRespectful, , appreciatappreciated ed enjoyed.enjoyed.
Divisive Divisive and lead and lead to to argumentargument
Lead to Lead to disengagedisengagement.ment.
7 Magical S,s7 Magical S,s
1-Sensitivity to other’s feelings.1-Sensitivity to other’s feelings.
Say to My servants that they should (only) say those things that are best: for Satan doth sow dissensions among them: for Satan is to man an avowed enemy. Isra 17:53
7 Magical S’s7 Magical S’s
2- Sincerity2- Sincerity
3-Security3-Security
4- Support4- Support
5-Satisfaction5-Satisfaction
6-Sharing6-Sharing
7-Sexual gratification7-Sexual gratification
5 Wonderful A’s5 Wonderful A’s
1-Adaptation1-Adaptation
2-Accomodation2-Accomodation
3-Appreciation3-Appreciation
4-Anticipation4-Anticipation
5- Acceptance5- Acceptance
Other ingredients of successful Other ingredients of successful marriagemarriage
1-Rahmah ( Compassion, leniency, 1-Rahmah ( Compassion, leniency, kindness)kindness)
2-Mawaddah or true love2-Mawaddah or true love3-Forgiveness3-Forgiveness4- Trust and faithfulness4- Trust and faithfulness5-Open mindedness and 5-Open mindedness and
understandingunderstanding6- Respect6- Respect7-Patience7-Patience
Family dynamics and family Family dynamics and family atmosphereatmosphere
Each spouse must ensure positive, Each spouse must ensure positive, cozy, and warm family atmospherecozy, and warm family atmosphere
Each spouse must feel supported and Each spouse must feel supported and loved.loved.
It is also vital for moldings children’s It is also vital for moldings children’s personality and character.personality and character.
How to attain this atmosphereHow to attain this atmosphereThings to do.Things to do.
Eagerly learn and acquire positive Eagerly learn and acquire positive qualities which promote itqualities which promote it
Adopt attitude of being easy goingAdopt attitude of being easy going Utilize every opportunity to shareUtilize every opportunity to share Use differences in personalities as Use differences in personalities as
complimentary rather than frictioncomplimentary rather than friction Forgive and forgetForgive and forget Use Tazkia to be a better personUse Tazkia to be a better person
Things to avoidThings to avoid
3 B’s 1-Being blunt3 B’s 1-Being blunt
2-Blaming attitude2-Blaming attitude
3- Belittling and ridiculing.3- Belittling and ridiculing.
3 P’s 1-Picking on your spouse3 P’s 1-Picking on your spouse
2-Particular rather being easy 2-Particular rather being easy goinggoing
3- Perfectionist behavior3- Perfectionist behavior
Other things to avoidOther things to avoid
Don’t carry work attitude to homeDon’t carry work attitude to home Never deal based on family status of Never deal based on family status of
spousespouse Do not embarrass your spouseDo not embarrass your spouse Avoid ignoring your spouseAvoid ignoring your spouse Avoid nagging and irritatingAvoid nagging and irritating Avoid being a lonerAvoid being a loner
Conflict resolutionConflict resolution Take initiative and resolve as early as Take initiative and resolve as early as
possiblepossible Forgive and forgetForgive and forget Control your angerControl your anger No name callingNo name calling Keep your coolKeep your cool Reflect upon the root causeReflect upon the root cause Don’t assume your innocence and other’s Don’t assume your innocence and other’s
guiltguilt Set up proper time to discussSet up proper time to discuss Focus on current problem and do not remind Focus on current problem and do not remind
of the pastof the past
Conflict resolutionConflict resolution
Use the best method in discussionUse the best method in discussion Your real enemy is ShaitanYour real enemy is Shaitan Put your ego aside. Do your best to Put your ego aside. Do your best to
keep the family intactkeep the family intact Never go to bed with angry feelings.Never go to bed with angry feelings.
Prophet’s sayings concerning Prophet’s sayings concerning marital relationsmarital relations
Abdullah Ibn Amr reported that the Abdullah Ibn Amr reported that the Prophet(S) said, “ All of this world is Prophet(S) said, “ All of this world is Mata ( valuable) but the best Mata is Mata ( valuable) but the best Mata is a virtuous wife.” Muslima virtuous wife.” Muslim
Abu Huraira ® reported that the Abu Huraira ® reported that the Prophet (S) said, “Treat women Prophet (S) said, “Treat women kindly. Women are created from rib kindly. Women are created from rib and most crooked part of the rib is and most crooked part of the rib is the upper most. If you try to the upper most. If you try to straighten it, you will break it. If you straighten it, you will break it. If you leave it alone, it will remain crooked. leave it alone, it will remain crooked. So give advice to women So give advice to women accordingly. (Agreed)accordingly. (Agreed)
Do not dislike your spouse.Do not dislike your spouse.
Abu Hurairah reported that the Abu Hurairah reported that the Prophet (S) said, “ Let no one dislike Prophet (S) said, “ Let no one dislike his spouse. If he dislikes one quality his spouse. If he dislikes one quality in her, he would find another one in her, he would find another one which is pleasing to him.”which is pleasing to him.”
MuslimMuslim
Family is a testFamily is a test
Nر PجR أ TهRدP ن Xع Tه[ وRالل NةR Pن فXت PمT وPالدTكR وRأ PمT Tك مPوRال
R أ ]مRا Xن رN إ PجR أ TهRدP ن Xع Tه[ وRالل NةR Pن فXت PمT وPالدTكR وRأ PمT Tك مPوRال
R أ ]مRا Xن إNيمXظRعNيمXظRع
Your riches and your children may be Your riches and your children may be but a trial: but in the Presence of but a trial: but in the Presence of Allah, is the highest, Reward.Allah, is the highest, Reward.
Al-Qur'an, 064.015 (At-Taghabun)Al-Qur'an, 064.015 (At-Taghabun)
DuaDua
XمRامrا إ RينXق[ PمTت Xل ل Rا Pن عRل PاجRو vنT RعPي أ Rة قTر] Rا Xن ]ات ي وRذTر} Rا ن XاجRو PزR أ PنXم Rا Rن ل PبRه Rا ]ن ب Rر RونT RقTول ي RينXذ[ وRال
And those who pray, "Our Lord! Grant unto us wives and offspring who will be the comfort of our eyes, and give us (the grace) to lead the righteous."
Al-Qur'an, 025.074 (Al-Furqan)