Together at the Table

8/17/2019 Together at the Table

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To be translated:::: Jeff Chu - want to translate

Together at the Table

January 10, 2015二零一五年一月十日

Opening KeynoteGay Christian Network ConferencePortlan, OregonJanuary

!, 2015

"t #y house, we eat fa#ily$style%

在我家裡，我們吃飯的形式是

&n a Chinese fa#ily, the ta'le is perhaps the #ost i#portant space we ha(e%

&t is where we gather% &t)s where fa#ily yna#ics, in all their #ess anysfunction an 'eauty, play out% &n a fa#ily$style #eal, you see the

i(ersity of our personalities an the ra#a of our li(es echoe in the

narrati(e of the foo% &n the story of the Chinese fa#ily ta'le, a co#plete

#eal 'alances salty an sweet, sour an spicy% *ou nee to #i+ te+tures

fro# the slightly sli#y, chewy resistance of pickle -elly.sh to the e(en$

geriatrics$can$eat$it softness of pillow$like stea#e tofu to the crackle of the

frie chicken)s skin or the prawn cracker traitionally ser(e with it% *ou

won)t like e(erything, 'ut Gran#a puts it on your plate anyway% "s a ki,

you eat it all too, so#eti#es uner uress/there)s a traitional threat that,

e(ery #orsel of foo an e(ery grain of rice you lea(e 'ehin in your 'owl,

that)s how #any pock#arks your spouse will ha(e%

he ta'le is a #icrocos# of our larger li(es, a place where we 'oth see our

goo #anners an our 'a% he ta'le is where we see power yna#ics/

gener roles an occasional atte#pts to efy the#, silent chilren growing

into aults with (oices an then faing 'ack into ol folk who get the 'est

foo 'ut rarely the 'est listening% he ta'le is where we cele'rate/when #y

cousin got #arrie a few #onths ago, there were 150 people at the church

'ut 50 showe up for the weing 'anuet% &t is where we #ourn/after #y

granfather)s funeral, & re#e#'er feeling a little o a'out that, as if we

were saying, 34ell, he)s ea 'ut we)re not% 4e still gotta eat%

he ta'le is where we li(e in fear of failure an hu#iliation% 6ailure #eans a

particular thing at #y ta'le% &t #eans not ha(ing e+tra foo% 4hy woul they

eat with a'anon if they ha(e to count the pieces of #eat an woner if

e(eryone has ha enough7 his is all a'out #y internal stanars% hat)s #y


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guilt%

"t the ta'le, & learn the #eaning too of another kin of failure/the one we

call sha#e% &f guilt is internal, then sha#e is e+ternal% &f guilt happens in

pri(acy, then sha#e is pu'lic/an a#ong #y people, sha#e happens at the

ta'le, often in unspoken, insiious ways%

"t the ta'le, & learn that #y (oice isn)t (alue% &t oesn)t e(en soun like it)s

suppose to/one relati(e sai to #e at inner once 38uh, i you know

that you talk like a girl7

"t the ta'le, & learn to hie #y truths an guar #y secrets% & hear how they

talk/or perhaps, worse yet, how they on)t% 8ow they in(ent euphe#is#s or

erase those who on)t .t their nor#s%

"t the ta'le, & learn how it feels to ha(e people 'e asha#e of you%

"t the ta'le, after co#ing out to #y #o#, & see the 9ipsie of not keeping

secrets% 4e)re at an &talian restaurant in :rooklyn, an &) -ust tol #y #o#

a'out an hour 'efore% ;y a an sister are there, 'ut they on)t know yet%

:y pro(ience or chance/epens on your theology, & guess/we get an

increi'ly hot waiter% ;y #other looks at hi# an at #e, an 'ursts into

tears% & reali


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#y #in% & want to think with you a'out what we 'ring to this ta'le, to this

co##unity, an what the i#plications of that will 'e%

>et)s start with #y fears% 4e on)t ha(e ti#e to talk a'out the# all, you)re

not #y therapists, so -ust highlights% 6or one thing, &)# really ner(ous a'out

pu'lic speaking an really ner(ous to 'e in front of you tonight/&)# a writer,

not a talker% &f & knew how #uch talking the release of a 'ook reuire, &

#ight ne(er ha(e one it% =o & ask your grace an #ercy in a(ance%

=ince & a# -ust #eeting #ost of you for the .rst ti#e, & suppose & shoul tell

you a'out #yself% "s & sai, & a# no pastor, no theologian% &)# -ust a lay#an

an a si#ple pilgri#, an asker of uestions an a collector of stories,

so#ehow lucky enough to ask uestions an collect stories for a li(ing% & a#

an Oregon ?ucks fan@ Go willing, ;onay night is going to 'e aweso#e% &)#

#arrie/#y hus'an, ristan, is a lo(ely, weir, Catholic white 'oy fro#

e+as%

& a# "sian of the Chinese an speci.cally 8ong Kong persuasion/if & ha a

superhero na#e, it woul 'e the *ellow Peril% & grew up in a e(out :aptist

fa#ily% ;y great$granfather was a #issionary, #y granfather a preacher,

#y gran#other a :i'le teacher at a Christian school% ;y uncle is a

preacher, #y a an uncles an great uncles an aunts #ostly eacons% &n

our worl, a real prayer is a long prayer, an church isn)t -ust church/it)s a

culture% Once, & aske #y a, 34hy is #y #other ha(ing such a har ti#e

with all this7 8e sai, 3*ou ha(e to unerstan 4e)re not -ust Christian%4e)re :aptist%

& li(e in :rooklyn, New *ork, where & atten Ol 6irst Aefor#e Church% &)#

also an eler there, which & can 'arely say with a straight face% &t)s a #iracle

that & still .n #yself in church on =unay let alone at an elers) #eeting% &

think it re9ects Go)s twiste hu#or that a congregation out there calle #e

to the elership, 'ut hey$ho% 4e 'elie(e in a Go who uses all things, on)t

we7

& a# a .rst$ti#er at this conference% :ut &)(e known a'out GCN for years, well'efore & pro.le it in #y 'ook% *ears ago, & i what & know #any of you i &

Google 3gay Christian an ene up on the GCN site% &) click aroun the

#essage 'oars an rea an rea, pu


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#e the gifts of their (ery e+a#ples% =o it)s especially hu#'ling to stan

'efore you toay% hank you to all you 'uilers an rea#ers, especially

Justin, for what you ha(e #eant not -ust to #e 'ut to so #any others o(er

the years% *our work has 'een life$sa(ing an life$gi(ing%

=o% ;y fears% ;y fears then an #y fears now are not so iBerent "s in so

#any areas of #y life, on GCN, & was a wall9ower% ?on)t 'e foole 'y the fact

that &)# up here instea of sitting in the farthest chair in the 'ack row% 4hat

is this fear7 & say & want to 'e known, 'ut then & worry a'out what woul

happen if you i really know #e% & fear a con.r#e iagnosis of #y

i#postor synro#e/that the last article & will write will 'e the .rst that the

worl calls out as the worst, that the last thing & sai will 'e the .rst that

ce#ents that &)# actually a charlatan% & fear re-ection, which is largely what &

ha(e known in the church% & fear hu#iliation, which is largely what &)(e felt in

Christian co##unities% & fear isappointing people, which is largely what &think &)(e one to #y fa#ily an so#e friens%

& re#e#'er, in college, in #y e(angelical fellowship group, &) go to

#eetings an feel like the 'iggest fake in the worl% >ots of ti#es, the

group)s geekier #e#'ers woul sit up late with their (ery own copies of

Grue#)s =yste#atic heology/you all ha(e one, right7/an & in)t know

what syste#atic theology e(en was@ the u#'er a#ong us woul rea John

Piper, 'ut & couln)t get past the .rst chapter of 3?esiring Go% 4ell, uring

worship ti#e on 6riay nights, people woul 'e singing four$part har#ony,

an &) 'e one$#an cacophony% & was a closete gay 'oy, ating girls anoing #y 'est to confor# to what was e+pecte of #e/'y the people

aroun #e, certainly, 'ut also, 'y e+tension, 'y Go% specially uring the

open prayer ti#e, when people woul share their reuests alou, & was -ust

on a iBerent wa(elength% he way it woul work at #y fellowship is that,

after the person sai their prayer reuest, we) ha(e this awkwar silence

while DDE of us engage in a season of fer(ent silent prayer that the 8oly

=pirit woul pick so#eone else to pray out lou% ight centuries later,

so#eone in the group woul say 3&)ll pray for thatF =o one night, this

fresh#an, on .re for the >or, was -ust 'esie hi#self, crying his way

through his prayer reuest% & will ne(er forget hi# asking the group to lift hi#

up 3'ecause & in)t share Jesus with anyone this week% 4ell, this guy is all

crying, an people are #ur#uring their unerstaning all aroun us as if this

was their pet sin too, an se(eral of the# sai, 3&)ll pray for thatF Not only

ha & not share Jesus with anyone that week/& in)t e(en think a'out it% &

-ust wante to kiss 'oys an not let on to #y girlfrien an .nish #y history

paper% "n & thought, 34ho is going to pray for 8" hot #ess of a reuest7


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"n how coul & .t in, if that was the guy)s 'iggest pro'le#7 8ow coul & 'e

his 'rother, if that was the sin he struggle with7 4ho coul unerstan #y

issues7 & in)t feel sy#pathy let alone e#pathy/& in)t know how%

=o & hi% & hi #y uestions a'out #y faith an a'out #y se+uality% & hi #y

fears% & hi #y hopes% "t ti#es, &)(e crie%

=o#e people say honesty 9ourishes in our #eia now, especially with user$

generate content, 6ace'ook statuses, tweetstrea#s, an 'logs an in the

confessional essays that we .n on the &nternet% hat #ay 'e true% :ut

honesty an (ulnera'ility are iBerent% &t)s an enor#ous, an enor#ously

i#portant, iBerence, one that has #uch to o with risk an with the fears

that & -ust talke a'out% =o here is #y uestion for you

Can this place, this ta'le, this #icrocos# of church that we)re #aking here,

'e a place of (ulnera'ility7 People will tell pieces of their stories, honest toGo, 'ut can we go 'eyon surface sharing7 Can they share with you the

parts that will #ake you unco#forta'le or that will trigger your 3-ug#ent

re9e+/'ecause, gay anor Christian, & know #any of us ha(e strong, well$

use 3-ug#ent re9e+es/an will you recei(e that infor#ation with

e#pathy7 Can this 'e a ta'le where one of us confesses pain at not sharing

Jesus an another shares con9icte feelings a'out wanting to kiss 'oys/an

we recei(e 'oth with #ercy7 &f not, why not7 4hat are we afrai of7

Can & still ha(e con.ence in your fellowship, for instance, if & share with you,

unshakea'le Christians, that so#e ays, as #uch as & lo(e Jesus an

especially the iea of Jesus, & woner if &)# not actually an agnostic7 Other

ays, & feel like & cling to 'elief with little #ore than #y spiritual .ngernails%

"s &)(e taken #y 'ook on the roa, at al#ost e(ery reaing, &)(e 'een aske

for #y conclusions% 3=o oes Jesus really lo(e you7 they say% & say & in)t

co#e up with that title/#y agent i/an & think it)s #aulin an cheesy

an & wante so#ething pretentious an literary% "nyway, is there still a

place for #e if & tell you that the answer to that uestion, so#e ays, is that

&)# not sure7 4hat o you feel if & confess that #y faith is at ti#es less a

reality an #ore an aspiration7 & know &)# not the only one here with thisuestion/thank you, ric "nrew, who tweete the other ay 3HGCNConf I

not sure a nearly agnostic has a place%

Conser(ati(e, can & tell you a'out how, in the past, & sought te#porary

refuge in so#e se+ual relationships that, e(en now, & on)t entirely regret/

an not -ust 'ecause they were a part of #y -ourney here7 Can you recei(e


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that a#ission without a silent tsk$tsk7

>i'eral, can & share with you not -ust #y profoun respect for gracious (oices

like those of #y frien 4es 8ill, who wrote 4ashe 4aiting, an >insey

an =arah, the wise, celi'ate wo#en 'ehin the 'log " ueer Calling, 'ut

also #y en(y for their 'ran of faithfulness7 Can & tell you that & woner

whether & a# spiritually weaker than they are, an why #y faith is so s#all7

Can you recei(e these thoughts without s#ug conescension or so#e silent

iagnosis of unreconcile self$loathing7 Can we not -ust e#pathi


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picture$'ook story we ha(e create for oursel(es, is this 3Co#e to Jesus, 'y

whate(er route you can, an with the 'est gifts you can .n%

3Co#e to Jesus, 'y whate(er route you can, an with the 'est gifts you can

.n%

Can we oBer each other that sa#e generosity an welco#e7 Can we walk

alongsie each other, 'y whate(er routes we can, without you -uging the

gift & picke out or #e critici


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he church & ha(e known is a place where a lot of people languish% 4e #ay

ress own these ays in church, 'ut we)re still all 'uttone$up/an

spiritually, we suBer% =o#eti#es & woner to what egree we are e(en

#aking oursel(es (ulnera'le to Go/which woul see# to 'e a prereuisite

to spiritual growth/when, #ore often than not, we)re not #aking oursel(es

(ulnera'le to each other% 4e on)t nurture each other aggressi(ely% 4e on)t

culti(ate or honor or talk enough a'out the kin of inti#ate frienship that

so #any of us woul 'ene.t fro#/an & a# not talking a'out se+ual

inti#acy% Patient frienship% Gracious frienship% Aisky frienship%

he church & hope for/the ta'le & long for/is a place where we can 'e

known% &t)s a place where we stan eual 'efore Jesus an with each other,

all of us sinful 'eings, on the le(el groun that &saiah speaks of% &t)s a place

where we can 'ring our scars an sorrows, our stories an our ou'ts, our

huge uestions an our otherworlly aspirations% &t)s a place that oes notact surprise at the gra(ity of sin in the worl, that oes not resort to puBe$

up outrage at slights, that feels no nee to efen itself% 4e ha(e spent too

long in costu#es an closets, unseen an unknown% "n we ha(e pai the

price for that% :ut will we risk e(en #ore, re(ealing our hearts to each other7

6riens, woul you o that with #e7 Can we 'uil this kin of church an this

kin of ta'le here7

/

;y 'ook, if & a# going to 'e totally honest, is not that (ulnera'le% &tso#eti#es irritates #e that people call it a #e#oir, 'ecause other people)s

stories take up #any ti#es #ore ink than #y own an the 'ook is less a'out

#y own tra-ectory than those of hunres of people who ga(e #e gli#pses

of their li(es% & criss$crosse the country to learn/this a(enture was an

has 'een increi'ly personal/'ut any conclusions in the te+t re9ect #ay'e

0%1E of the learning an processing &)(e one%

ruthfully, & in)t know then how to 'e (ulnera'le% &)# a pri(ate person%

4hat gli#pses & gi(e you of #y self in the 'ook are carefully wore an

eite% hey)re not untrue, 'ut they)re also not totally open or, if you knew#e then an know #e now, truly (ulnera'le%

&)# still growing in this area of #y e#otional an spiritual life% ulnera'ility is

so#ething that & ha(e slowly learne at the ta'le/at the 'ook$signing ta'le,

where reaers prie open #y heart 'y opening theirs@ at the panel$

iscussion ta'le an the reaing ta'le, where auiences aske #e 'racingly


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cani uestions that & coul only oge at the cost of #y authenticity@ at

kitchen ta'les of people who hoste #e on #y 'ook tour@ at the oce ta'les

of pastors who, stung 'y #y critiue of the# as 'eing calle to 'e shephers

'ut 'eha(ing like sheep, wante to iscuss what & #eant 'y that@ at #y own

ining ta'le at ho#e, where & often answer 6ace'ook #essages an e#ails

fro# reaers who write with heart$wrenching testi#onies an uestions/

always, uestions% =o#eti#es it has 'een the pro(er'ial two steps forwar

an one step 'ack@ &)# always going to 'e one of those writers who rea the

co##ents sections, an this #ay is#ay 'oth groups, 'ut the folks who

co##ent at Christianity oay an the 8ungton Post are #ore alike than

they) e(er want to 'e/reay to is#iss your (alue, your intellect, your

faith, your lessons learne, with the little aggers of their wors% 4hen that

happens, so#eti#es you cry% =o#eti#es you ou't your own (alue an your

own intellect, your faith an your own lessons learne% =o#eti#es you grow

a little #ore scar tissue% =o#eti#es, though, you grow a little #ore'eautifully (ulnera'le, re#e#'ering the con(ersations at the other ta'les/

the ones that 'uilt trust an with trust, 'uilt (ulnera'ility%

&)(e 'een #ulling, too, in #y own wrestling with =cripture, the #any ti#es

the ta'le appears in the :i'le% =o#eti#es it is a literal ta'le, such as the

acacia$woo ta'le in the e#ple, (eneere in pure gol, where the priests

place the 'rea of presence% his wasn)t #eant to suggest that Go neee

to eat, of course% he 'rea/this uotiian ite#, this e(eryay foostuB/

represente Go)s pro(ision for the people of Go% &t co##e#orate the

#anna that kept the people going generations 'efore% &t foreshaowe theaily 'rea that Jesus tol us to pray for% &t sy#'oli


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=eptuagint reners the last (erse iBerently, gi(ing us a clearer sense of

what)s in that cup 3*our cup, says one translation, 3was supre#ely

into+icating% &s pre$'attle any ti#e to get waste7 :ut & guess if Go is the

one who)s 'uying the wine an oing the pour, who a# & to argue7

Psal#s are con(ersations with Go, an this psal# ar#s faith an aspires

for ree#ption% ?a(i uses a #otif that ulti#ately reappears se(eral ti#es in

=cripture/in eelah "lcorn an for thousans of others who

were taken fro# us too soon, whether 'y persecution or circu#stance or/

let)s -ust say it/#urer%

4e)re also going to sa(e seats for those who ha(en)t #ae it here yet% "n &want to 'e clear that 3#ae it here is no -ug#ent a'out what strain of

theology, what her#eneutic, is correct, 'eyon the strain that says e(ery

hu#an 'eing is 'elo(e 'y Go, that e(ery person, no #atter their

orientation or ientity, has inherent ignity%

4e)re going to sa(e seats for sisters an 'rothers like a frien of #ine in the

=outh, who can)t e(en i#agine 'eing a#ong us% & poste a reuest to #y

6ace'ook friens asking the# to sen wiso#, prayers, an owls as & was

pu


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wanting to .n a rug to #ake #e straight an in #y town)s eyes nor#al% &

wish & were there, he sai% 3& wish & coul 'e a part of so#ething% & know

#any woul look at #e with pity for staying in the closet, 'ut there is #ore

to this -ourney than 'eing with a #an% &t is protecting #y fa#ily an

hopefully 'eing a (oice of truth for those who woul ne(er hear it%

=o we)re going to sa(e seats for those like #y frien, who cannot 'e here

the#sel(es% "n we are going to honor their li(es an listen for the echoes of

their stories in the stories of those who are here% 4e nee these ghosts in

our con(ersation%

he wor 3con(ersation is 'eautiful% &t is not, pri#arily or #ainly, a'out

talking% &t)s a'out the yna#ic we create when we)re with others/speaking,

yes, 'ut also 'eing silent, the e''s an 9ows, the rises an falls, the

#o#entu# an the #o#ents of stillness% Con(ersation)s >atin roots literally

#ean 3to keep co#pany with%

6or #e as a -ournalist, the 'iggest gift is a con(ersation/the opportunity to

keep co#pany with so#eone else, to walk alongsie hi# for an hour or a

ay, to talk an to o'ser(e an to e+perience life fro# her perspecti(e for a

'it% & got into this 'usiness 'ecause & thought & like writing% &t turns out that &

on)t like writing #uch at all, not for pu'lication anyway% &t is, at least for #e,

a hieous, gut$wrenching, teeth$gnashing e+perience that & woul

reco##en to others only with se(ere ca(eats% :ut though & a# eeply

intro(erte, & o like the reporting part of #y -o'/the con(ersation part%

=o#eti#es, so#eone will ask #e, 34ho is your fa(orite person you)(e e(er

inter(iewe7 &)(e inter(iewe a lot of people o(er #y career, .rst at i#e

;aga


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'reakfast an rea their custo#ary psal#, an tol #e their stories with a

'racing canor a'out their -ourney with Jesus, their se+ li(es, their

insecurities, their -oys% &t)s the Georgia a & also write a'out, a for#er

Christian counselor who face a crisis in the life of his fa#ily after his wife

ca#e out as a les'ian@ towar the en of #y ti#e with this 'ear of a #an, he

was 'ent o(er, crying% 3JeB, he sai, 3in all these years, no'oy has e(er

aske #e for #y story%

&n #y rea# worl, no'oy woul e(er say that% (ery person)s story

#atters/'ecause e(ery person #atters% ach story has ele#ents that are

e+traorinary% "n though & in)t realiG: co##unity% "n &)# honore an hu#'le to 'e

staning 'efore you as a gay #an% :ut #y (oice is -ust that/#y (oice, one

s#all (oice% *our (oices/your hunres of (oices, i(erse an istinct,

sueaky an eep, 'roken an halting, #elli9uous an #eloious/are what

#atter% *our (oices #ake the ta'le what it is% *our (oices, your stories, your

e+periences, your choices of what to 'ring to our con(ersation/of how tokeep co#pany with one another/will e.ne these ays%

he ta'le & long for/the church & hope for/is a place where we will keep

co#pany with one another in eep an profoun ways% 4e will listen to the

lou (oices, 'ut e(en #ore so we will keep our ears open for whispers% he

con(ersation won)t always 'e easy% :ut if we o it right, it will 'e powerful

an it will help us grow% &f we focus on the 'rea of the presence of Go,

which we ha(e one nothing to eser(e an yet recei(e with the pro#ise of

#ore, it will transfor# us an our con(ersation% &f we cry out for Jesus$like

-ustice yet hol on to a tenor of grace/an that is not an eitheror/we will'uil a ta'le that enriches life% Can we 'uil that here7

/

6inally, friens, so#e thoughts on co##unity% &s there anyone who has

written as powerfully as ?ietrich :onhoeBer on what it #eans to 'e a


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co##unity of Jesus7 &n his 'ook 3>ife ogether, he writes that 3the

fellowship of the ta'le has a festi(e uality% &t is a constantly recurring

re#iner in the #ist of our e(eryay work of Go)s resting after 8is work, of

the =a''ath as the #eaning an goal of the week an its toil% Our life is not

only tra(ail an la'or@ it is also refresh#ent an -oy in the gooness of Go%

4e la'or, 'ut Go nourishes an sustains us hrough our aily #eals, 8e is

calling us to re-oice, to keep holiay in the #ist of our working ay%

& lo(e #e so#e :onhoeBer, 'ut & was not thinking a'out =aint ?ietrich an

his high'row #usings on #eals the other afternoon, when in the #ist of a

really crappy writing ay, & realiatin for

3share 'y #any% Put another way, it #eans 3sharing a spirit% &t)s such a

powerful concept, especially in the conte+t of the sacre% &t)s such an

i#portant wor, too, for our faith, co#ing as it oes fro# a fa#ily of wors

with such resonance for the Christian life co##unity, co##unal, co##une,

co##union% 4e return again an again to the ta'le% 4e fail an then weconfess our sins against Go an each other, we rest in the hope of Go an

then we o it all o(er again%

he work of a co##unity is har% :eing in co##unity is har% Co##unity

#eans longsuBering% Co##unity e#ans patience% Co##unity reuires

asking for forgi(eness an granting it% Co##unity 'egs repeately for


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unerstaning% Co##unity tests our 'ons an then it tests the# again%

Co##unity e#ans -ustice for its #e#'ers, 'ut oesn)t always agree on

what -ustice looks like or how to achie(e it% Co##unity pushes our hu#an

li#its% Co##unity sur(i(es only 'y grace% Co##unity cannot thri(e without

grace% Co##unity is grace #anifeste an personi.e an #ultiplie%

Co##unity nees grace 'ecause & will use the wrong pronoun%

:ecause & will fuck up%

:ecause & will oBen so#e'oy 'ecause & -ust sai the f$wor%

:ecause so#eone else will 'e oBene that so#e'oy was oBene

'ecause & -ust sai the f$wor%

:ecause we will resort to outrage, 'ecause outrage is easy an co#passionis har%

:ecause so#eti#es & will -ust 'e annoying%

:ecause so#eti#es & will not o the har work of unerstaning your

#oti(es or so#eti#es will actually willfully #isunerstan what you are

saying%

:ecause then we ha(e to start o(er again, sit own again, re#in oursel(es

that Jesus calls us to 'e co#panions again%

his is the #essy 'usiness of co##unity% his is the har work of faith% >i(ing

out the lo(e that Jesus calls us to is e#aning% =o e#aning to the point of

'eing counterintuiti(e an e.nitely not hu#an% =o e#aning that

so#eti#es & really on)t like it, e(en if & nee to o it%

& ha(e co#e to reali


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ne(er pro#ise co#fort in his co##unity% *ou can 'e co#forta'le if others

think pretty #uch like you% Perhaps for you, your o'stacle is -ust la


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'est &)(e e(er eaten%

& on)t know how to #ake ri's like #y #o#)s% Part of it is, & think, that

so#ething tastes 'etter when so#eone else has cooke it, an that)s

especially true if that so#eone else is #y #other, 'y far the 'est cook in our

e+tene fa#ily% & lo(e #y gran#other, 'ut anything she #ay try to tell you

a'out those culinary genes 'eing passe own is a lie%

"nother part of it is her secret sauce, so#e eli+ir containing =hao+ing wine,

'lack$'ean sauce, salt, white pepper/#ay'e sesa#e oil7 & can)t re#e#'er%

&)# sure she has tol #e 'efore% 3&t)s easyF & hear her say% =he woul

pro'a'ly a that, as usual, & -ust wasn)t listening% & coul ask her for a #ore

precise recipe, 'ut she) -ust sigh% =he has al#ost no recipes written own/

they)re all in her hea%

" thir part of it, though, was so#ething that has nothing, really, to o withthe foo itself so #uch as what the foo represente% >ast winter, she

e#aile #e to ask whether & #ight like for her to co#e to New *ork 3an

cook a inner for you for your 'irthay% 4hen & rea her wors, #y heart

leape into hyper$spee an & 'roke out into a sweat% =he han)t 'een to

(isit in years, not since #y 'oyfrien an & #o(e together an not since

that 'oyfrien 'eca#e #y hus'an% =he ha #et hi# only once, an that

#eeting was, to 'e generous, awkwar% =he in)t co#e to our weing, 'ut

so#e #onths later, she sent that e#ail%

6oo is, in our fa#ily, so #any things% &t is what we .ght a'out@ we starte

taking cruises together partly 'ecause there isn)t any argu#ent a'out where

to ha(e inner% &t is our #ost 'elo(e group acti(ity@ one of the ineli'le

#e#ories of #y chilhoo is sitting in #y aunt an uncle)s laughter$.lle

kitchen in 8ong Kong, late one sticky su##er)s night, a plastic sheet on the

ta'le co(ere 'y a uickly shrinking #oun of fresh lychees an a uickly

growing pile of peels an pits% &t is the thing we can always talk a'out when

we ha(e nothing else% &f & a# at a loss for so#ething to say to #y #other, &

can always ask her/an genuinely, 'ecause & always want to know/how to

cook a particular ish of hers%

6or #y #other, foo plays a speci.c an i#portant role, saying things that

she cannot% (en the paraphernalia of #ealti#e has signi.cance% 4hen she

arri(e in New *ork, one of the .rst things she i was to pull a gift out of her

'ag an antiue pair of i(ory chopsticks% (eryone in our fa#ily has a pair,

inscri'e in re with our na#es% hese were for #y hus'an% =he tol hi#


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that it was #y -o' to .gure out where to get the inscription one% & re#ine

her that it was also her -o' to help #e co#e up with a Chinese na#e for the

white 'oy%

"lso note that she ne(er aske if she coul co#e (isit@ the uestion was

whether & wante her to co#e cook a inner% 4e took her for other #eals

while she was in New *ork/Koreatown, where she happily picke at a whole

frie .sh@ i# su# in :rooklyn Chinatown, where her face raiate elight at

a si#ple plate of .sh 'alls@ our frien "a#)s restaurant, >unetta, where she

o(e into a huge an fragrant 'owl of #ussels% :ut those other lunches an

inners were appeti


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try to re#e#'er as we keep walking forwar alongsie each other &n #y

#other)s kitchen, nothing happens uickly% *ou plan% *ou #arinae% *ou stew%

*ou wait%

hen, e(entually, you feast%

/

wo postscripts

6irst, #y #o# ca#e 'ack this past su##er, an she cooke for us again,

an it was a little 'it easier than the ti#e 'efore% 6or one thing, ristan an &

weren)t as #ean to her this ti#e/we in(ite fewer people%

=econ, #y #o#)s na#e is Grace% "n it has 'een one of #y great -oys to

watch as she seeks to li(e out her na#e, har as that #ay 'e% =he teaches#e so #uch% "n & hope & teach her a little so#ething% 4e #ay not share the

sa#e theology, 'ut we are co##unity in that we share a spirit an we are

co#panions as we repeately try again to 'reak 'rea together% 4e #ay

ui''le a'out whether she is accepting #y hus'an an #e, ar#ing us,

tolerating us% hese se#antic uestions, while pri#ary to so#e people, are

not pri#ary to #e or to ristan% 4hat)s pri#ary to us is that we are in

relationship/icult, painful, costly relationship% :eautiful, life$gi(ing,

wonerful relationship%

& laugh with #y #o# a'out so#ething stupi an then & get pisse oB at #y#o# a'out so#ething silly, an she laughs with #e a'out so#ething silly

an then she gets pisse oB at #e a'out so#ething stupi, though she

woul ne(er use such coarse language to say so% &s it 'ecause &)# gay7

;ay'e% :ut really it)s 'ecause she)s #y #o# an &)# her son, an that is

what parents an chilren o% hat is what fa#ilies o% "n then we sit own

at the ta'le an we 'reak 'rea together, an then we o it all o(er again%

"n again% "n again% hrough the pain% hrough the -oy%

:efore & close, & want to say so#ething to the #any parents at this

conference hank you for 'eing here, for lo(ing your chilren as 'est youknow how, for (enturing outsie your co#fort


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o all of you/& want to #ake you a pro#ise, an & hope you will pro#ise

each other the sa#e thing as we continue throughout these ays & pro#ise

you #y presence% & will gi(e you what ti#e & can% & will listen #ore than & talk%

& will ask #ore uestions than & oBer answers% & will honor your stories% & will

open #yself to your (oice% hat #eans & will hear not what & want to or what &

want to respon to, 'ut what)s i#portant to you, what #atters to you, what

you are really trying to say, e(en when you are struggling to .n the wors%

&f you nee one, & will gi(e you a hug/an & -ust want to e+plain that this is a

really 'ig eal an a li#ite$ti#e oBer, 'ecause & a# not a huggy person% &

will stri(e for the state of grace that the poet ;iller 4illia#s, who ie last

week, escri'es this way

8a(e co#passion for e(eryone you #eet

e(en if they on)t want it%

4hat appears 'a #anners, an ill te#per

Or cynicis# is always a sign of things no ears

8a(e hear, no eyes ha(e seen%

*ou o not know what wars are going on

?own there where the spirit #eets the 'one%

he ta'le & long for/the church & hope for/is a place where we let others

see where the spirit #eets the 'one an help heal the wouns% he ta'le &

long for/the church & hope for/has the grace of the Gospel as its

#agni.cent centerpiece% he ta'le & long for/the church & hope for/is where

we care #ore a'out our co#panions than a'out winning our argu#ents with

the#, where we set asie the conescension that acco#panies our notion

that we nee to 'ring the# our truth% he ta'le & long for/the church & hope

for/has each of you sitting aroun it, struggling to hol the knowlege that

you, (ulnera'le you an courageous you, are 'elo(e 'y Go, not -ust

welco#e 'ut esperately, .ercely wante% he ta'le & long for/the church &hope for/is #ae of rough$hewn hu#ility, naile together 'y a Jesus who

has gi(en us the riiculous freeo# to 'e wrong an yet still 'e #ae right%

he ta'le & long for/the church & hope for/is a place where we lo(e

especially when it isn)t easy, allowing us to 'e (ulnera'le, in(iting e(ery

(oice to -oin the con(ersation, pushing us #eal 'y #eal towar co##unity,

towar co##union% Can we 'uil that kin of church, that kin of ta'le7 &


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think so%

"n at that ta'le, we)re going to eat fa#ily$style%

3he ;eaning of a ;eal was originally pu'lishe on ;eiu# in "ugust 201

$ =ee #ore at httpoes-esusreallylo(e#e%co#together$at$the$

ta'leHsthash%esA*4Pew%puf

Together at the Table

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Transcript of Together at the Table